The Dr. John Delony Show - I Can’t Stop Smoking Weed

Episode Date: May 20, 2022

Today, we hear from a 63-year-old wife desperate to be free from her abusive marriage, a woman who’s been smoking marijuana every day for eight years but wants to stop, and a man who has a complicated relationship with his convict father. Lyrics of the Day: "I Knew Prufrock Before He Got Famous" - Frank Turner Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show.  Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp DreamCloud Churchill Mortgage Resources: Own Your Past, Change Your Future Questions for Humans Conversation Cards Redefining Anxiety Quick Read John’s Free Guided Meditation Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. You've been running interference on a really bad person for a long time. Is that fair? It is. It is, but people think he's very nice. Hey, it doesn't matter what they think. Behind closed doors in people's homes is almost always different. This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show.

We talk about mental health and wellness and relationships and schools and education and life. Time and love and tenderness. That's my only Michael Bolton reference of the day. I hope you're doing well and hope your family's doing well. Whew, so glad you're here. We've got a lot going on today, so I'm just going to jump right into the calls. I'm going to stop the shenanigans and just get them rocking and rolling.

Let's go to Ann out in Dallas, Texas. What's up, Ann? Hi, John. Thank you so much for taking my call. Thank you. Are you kidding? Thank you for calling. It means the world to me, Ann.

Thank you so much. Thank you. I listen to you all the time. And the more I listen to you, this is why I asked you on Facebook. And I'm so thankful that you're taking my call. The more I listen to you, the more I've learned so much from you. Let me just, I'm 63 years old. I've been a homemaker for many, many years. I've been through abuse in my marriage. Okay. So it's my second marriage. I've been married

before for five years in my team. So with that background, I didn't want to go through another divorce. So I married my husband. I thought he was wonderful. And I put up with abuse. I have three more children. I have four. I have three more children. I stayed at home raising them.

And now I feel all my kids are grown and gone. I have grandchildren now. And it just hit me. I feel if I could have redos, I would redo. I feel the more I'm hearing you and the more I'm reading and reading God's word, the more I know that we shouldn't have put up with abuse. We can't control others. Like I always hear you say, you can't control anyone but yourself. And I've been trying to change my husband to have more value for me.

And I've allowed abuse and no connection and lies. And I know I've done that and I have regrets. How do I do, how do I get, I have your book in front of me. I just got it in the mail. How do I own my past and change my future? Wow. Because. And that's so much.

It's a lot. It's 34 years of marriage. Are y'all still married? We're still married, but legally only. Okay. We are not together. They'll share a home? Pardon me, in the same home.

We share a home. Okay. pardon me, in the same home. We share a home, but he knows only because we were building a home. After we started building a home, he broke my fingers. I would have left him right then and there. My son was going to be married the next day. We were putting on a dinner in two hours. So I didn't know what to do so after the wedding I had my hand in a cast and everything how did he break your fingers?

he grabbed him he got angry, grabbed him and crunched him I caught him in a lie it was with another woman flirting with another woman and I he felt cornered because I said,

just tell the truth because he would lie to me all the time. And he left us, he left the kids and I in their teen years for four years. I was foolish enough to get back with him. Hey, hold on one second. Hold on a second. Hold on a second. Okay. Somebody somewhere along the way and told you that there's something wrong with you and somebody along the way told you that you're dumb. And somebody along the way told you like the difference, like dumb is you don't have the right information in your head. And somebody else told you you're an idiot. You're a sucker.

And I don't think that at all. And those people who told you that have informed over time the story that you have begun to tell yourself. And so, before we go any further, you're not dumb and you're not an idiot.

You survived. You were abused. Did you stay? Yes, you did. You stayed alive. You stayed fed. You stayed in a warm place. And you're not dumb

and you're not less than and you didn't fail okay okay thank you the we could probably go back until you were seven

and just spend several hours together I'd love to hear your story. I can tell you in just a few minutes of talking to you that you are incredibly compassionate and kind and thoughtful and that you've been running interference on a really bad person for a long time. Is that fair? It is. It is, but people think he's very nice.

Hey, it doesn't matter what they think. Mm-hmm. Behind closed doors in people's homes is almost always different. Mm-hmm. It is. Right? And when that happens, you end up looking and feeling crazy

because people come tell you over the last 30 years, what a great guy and oh my gosh, you're so lucky. And there's part of you that thinks, oh, it's probably me. And then he breaks your hand in a grown-up temper tantrum and somehow you work that into the stories converge in your mind and land well, I just I'm just going to get through this, and then

I'm going to get through that, and then I just need to suck it up and buckle up here, and I'm just going to make sure you see what I'm saying? And all of a sudden, you land right back in the same place. I did. My son's wedding was the next date, and I thought, what are they going to do? Yeah.

What would have been awesome. And this is, this is awesome as an outsider, right? Not, this would have been terrible for your family. Would have been awesome if dad had missed the funeral because his butt was in jail. Right. Right. For breaking the bones of an extraordinary 60 year old woman. That would have been awesome. And that would have been absent from all photos, all pictures, all memories. That would have been fantastic.

Didn't happen that way. That's cool. Get that. Ultimately, here we are. And so my question for you is, what do you want to do? Because you've owned the past probably too much. You have taken all those bricks in your backpack over the last several years, I'm guessing,

and you have looked at them and examined them. And you've come to say, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, I'm worth more than this. I always have been. And so what? I got married when I was a child and it didn't work out. That doesn't mean I was destined or required to have a life of abuse and infidelity and anger and rage and protecting my kids. Like, I'm worth more than this. The challenge is you've taken the bricks out of your backpack,

but you're still holding them all. And you haven't set them down. Well, I don't want my kids. I didn't want to raise my kids without a father. I would hear, I was raised on Dr. Dobson. And he said, you don't, it's worse to raise them without a father. So I kept hanging on to that because I'd listen to Dr. Dobson all the time. So I'm not going to speak of Dr. Dobson, okay?

I don't know enough about it. And that was before. What I will tell you is anybody who tells you it's better to stay in an abusive relationship where mom is being beat up, on yelled at excluded that's better than not having a man in the house is should not have a microphone they're insane okay so how do i go from here yeah that okay so that's important so let's we'll toggle to here's like, I think regret is important, but it's got a really short shelf life to it. It's like wasabi, right? Eating it, like if you go get sushi and you eat wasabi,

it burns like fire for a second. And then all of a sudden it's just gone, right? That's regret. You look back and go, man, I wish I could have done that over. And then really quick, you come to right now because you can't, you can't. Most people get stuck in the, I wish I should have just, I should have just done it all differently. And here, here I am. Shouldn't have gained this much weight over the last 10 years. And I'm a hundred pounds overweight. It just is what it is. I'm just going to, whatever. And then you have to ask yourself the terrifying, scary, brave next question,

which is what do I want next? I want free. Yeah. I want free. So here's my response to that. Number one, and hear me say this directly as I can, you deserve to be free. And I never, ever tell somebody to get divorced. You need to get away from a man who's breaking your bones and cheating on you today.

Okay? And here's the other thing I know too. I've read the data for too long. And women who leave abusive relationships end up on the street because they got no place to go. And so my question is, where would you go? Do you have a family, a child that you could move in with? Do you have, and I'm not talking about for two weeks, I'm talking about for six months. Do you have money saved that you could or have access to? I have money. Okay. I have money. You could go to an apartment and stay, right? do you have money saved that you could or have access to? I have money. Okay.

I have money. You could go to an apartment and stay, right? Do you have a place to go? Four walls is the way we say it here. You have food, transportation, clothing, and home, like with your home and your utilities, things like that. Yes. There's about, we were building a house and the builder didn't finish it. And so we were in the lawsuit. We sued him, which we never sued anybody. But anyway, we're done. Well, we're trying to get, just cut our ties and lose it.

But now we, so we have about, it'll be about 800,000 is what we will have after the house is sold. So what you're going to need to do is get an attorney to walk alongside you. Otherwise, that money goes in his pocket and you end up destitute. And it happens too often. Okay. So you get an attorney that will walk alongside you. Okay. Okay. So you get an attorney that will walk alongside you. Okay.

And you get a couple of girlfriends that will walk alongside you, that you can tell everything to and that you trust and that you can say, here's what's been going on in my home. Have you ever done that? I have. I have. Okay. And, um, Have you gotten burned?

I have. I have. Okay. Have you gotten burned? I did. This one person I trusted, and I would trust her with anything. They did something, her and her family being a Christian that I didn't agree with. It was against God's word. Okay. So I heard you and Dave on the show just the other day saying, you go, you got to make friends. You got to make friends. She was my best friend for 37 years.

Yeah. And I had to let it go. Yeah. And we're not that close anymore because I called her out on it. Okay. So whatever value violation happened, it happened. Okay. Your next hard work is to get new friends.

Okay. Right. It's just got to be a part of a thing. And it might be for a season, you're going to pay a therapist to go sit with. In fact, I would a thousand percent recommend the two places you need to spend money is you need an attorney and you need to get a counselor. Okay. Okay.

Okay. And expect the freedom to come at a price. Okay. expect the freedom to come at a price, both a true, like a real price. And this will be scary because this is what you have known for so long. And so hear me say this. I want these words to rattle around in your soul. Let them park there.

You're worth a home. You're worth being loved. There's nobody has any business putting their hands on you ever, ever. you're worth being loved. Nobody has any business putting their hands on you ever, ever. No one has any business telling you that you're anything other than wonderful. Okay. Ever. You're worth somebody not cheating on you.

And wondering where somebody's been and what diseases you're getting in your own house. All of that. Sounds like before you even called, you were ready. I'm ready. I'm ready. I was ready the day he broke my hand. Yes. And I was in therapy for a year.

I felt stuck because of this house situation. And I'm not stuck anymore. I don't, I'll, yeah, I'm not stuck anymore. If you reach out to one of your kids, would they take you in for a season? Yes, but I don't want to do that. So I do have money. I've cash. I know, I know. Hold on, hold on.

It might be a great, great, great gift to your kids. Oh, okay. And when this happens, they've seen this for years, right? They've watched this. Have they talked to you about it before? My daughter, I have two boys and one girl. Okay. And my daughter says, mom, I'm really angry why you never left him years ago. Okay. My two boys, oh mom, you you know, dad, oh, mom. So they make excuses for their dad. It's bull crap, dude.

That's how that crap rolls downhill and they're going to do it to their kids and on and on and on and on, right? It's got to stop. It has to stop. So I'd call your daughter. And by the way, when she says stuff like that, that's her working out her pain, okay? And let's take that with a grain of salt. Okay. Okay. She's working through her stuff too. I'd call her and say, today's the day. It's time. Can I come stay with you for a few weeks? Will you help me find an apartment? Will you help me set up my bills and the internet and the electricity and those kinds of things?

Will you help me get my own cell phone plan? Will you help me get car insurance? All those little knickknacky things that may have just happened. You may have been doing this for years, but it's all the knickknack stuff. It's like, oh, I don't even know where my... I can do it. I handled everything. Oh, awesome.

So it's all... I did. I got all the stuff. Okay. Call your daughter and walk her through this too, if she's safe, okay? And if she offers, mom, I want you to come stay with us,

give her that gift. And at the same time, you'll be giving yourself to gift too. If she says, well, where are you going to go? You got an apartment? Then that might be her saying, man, maybe not my house. And you can say, great, I'm rich. I'm Ann and I'm rich.

Hey, she just had a baby, but it might be awesome if you were there to hold that baby too. Okay. Okay. Cause that would be lovely. See for me, that would be wonderful. Here's the thing I'm trying to trick you. It would be a gift for her, but it would be therapeutic and healing for you because you're going to go to your own apartment and you're going to get really, really lonely.

And I think it's been a long time since I looked at it. Is it, Kelly, is it seven times people go back to an abusive relationship before they leave? Before they leave finally? Seven. Because they go? Before they leave finally? Seven. Because they go away and they get lonely and they get scared and they get quiet and then they go back and then they go back.

Out of loneliness. So I want you to have people in your life. Well, sometimes they go back because they're just hungry. They don't have money, right? I mean, these are like basic things. It's easy to say, yeah, you should just march on out of there. But for millions and millions of women, the question is, okay, where, where do I eat?

And so- I'm blessed to have money. Good, good, good, good. You probably want to put it in your own account. Here's the deal, all that stuff, your attorney's going to walk you through, okay? Okay. And your counselor will walk you through. So I'll stop giving you tips. I'm just throwing stuff at you now. Hear me say, you're worth more than this nonsense. Thank you. Okay. You're right. It happened young. It did happen young. It did. And you've carried this story with you for a long, long time. And it's time to set that story down. And here's the deal. You spent a ton of energy, 30 plus years of energy trying to go back and edit a story that has already happened.

Stop trying to edit that story and spend all of the rest of your precious thought and brilliance and grit and determination and write something new. What comes next for Ann? Okay. Okay. Okay. Will you do that? You're coming to Dallas. Yes. Yes, John. And you're going to come to Dallas. I'm going to go see you all. I'll be in Dallas in the fall. And yes, I look forward to seeing you. Thank you. Is that cool? That's great.

And then as far as a job, like, okay, okay, I do have money, but do I get a job? You will need a job, yes. For multiple reasons. That's not priority number one. Okay. I've talked to people who I've got to get a job today because I don't have any. I'll have no money. You're not in that situation.

You will have to sit down with a financial advisor at some point and walk through, okay, what's the rest of my life look like? And that's fine. That's part of it. That's cool. Okay? You'll figure that part out as you go. Right now, it's being safe, and you're not safe. You're stuck. You've got somebody,

you've got a bear, a rhinoceros sleeping in the bed next to you who just gets mad and breaks your bones. God, that rages me out so much. And I'm so grateful for you. I'm going to say something's going to get me in trouble. I'm just going to go to break. And we love you. Keep us in touch and let us know how we're doing. We'll be right back.

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and get the home buyer edge today. All right, we're back. Hey, I got my breath after that last call. Listen, we were on the road for a book tour meeting, making stops across the country. And listen, the number of people who came up that this show has created its own universe and the number of people who came up and dropped inside jokes and were asking about private things like, hey, how kelly's kids doing and how's you know all right did james kids get

their bonnets fixed um on the covered wagon excursion they were on did john or how are you like they were sorry i was just bagging on james um but they were asking like you guys you guys listen to the show and i all of us kept going back to the to the car and we're heading back to the hotel was like hey this show is bigger than we thought. Not, and the metrics are huge and all that's great. It's different. Y'all are walking with us in this thing.

And I'm so grateful. So please don't forget to send this show to your friends that you, that you care about, or maybe the ones that you don't like, um, your family members send the show off. Um, we're really grateful when you do.

And the impact it's having is the ripple effects are just extraordinary. And it's not because of me. It's for sure not because of James and Kelly. It's because of you. Y'all are going home and you're internalizing some of this stuff. You're having hard conversations at home. You're deciding to get with a counselor. You're deciding to tell your wife, I am sorry.

You're deciding to tell your husband, I want our lives to be better. Y'all are doing hard work. Y'all are doing tough, tough stuff. And you're making things different for your kids and for grandkids that you've never even met yet. And so I'm grateful. Thanks for walking with us. Make sure you share the show. We're really, really grateful. All right, let's go out to Elizabeth in Roanoke, Virginia. What's up, E-Money? How we doing? Hey, Dr. John. It's an honor to speak with you. It is more of an honor for me to talk to you.

So what's up? So I'm calling today because I am really conflicted about my marijuana use. And so I've been using marijuana daily for about eight years. And at the beginning of this year, I decided to quit, but I quickly discovered it was much more difficult. But Elizabeth, you can't get addicted to weed. Well, that was me being an idiot. You for sure can. I don't even know where that came from.

But okay. So, so walk me through. I'm starting to come to terms with that. Hey, coming to terms with an addiction is the worst, right? It's the worst. So why'd you want to quit? Why'd you want to stop? So my husband and I decided that we wanted to try to have children.

So this was in order to get pregnant. And then the first month that I didn't get pregnant, I just resumed right back to daily use, essentially. Why? And now I have this big conflict. Really, why? Because I feel like life is too difficult to manage. There you go. It's hard for me to be alive and sober.

Why? I have a really hard time with being uncomfortable. And so being able to smoke weed just like turns off my brain at the end of the night. Yeah, for sure. Otherwise, I get in that fury of what else do I need to do? What other chores are there? Should I be doing more? It kind of goes into not being able to relax and just be okay with relaxing.

Just be. Where did that story come from? Like when did you discover about yourself that the world was this hard? I think actually it's more recently because before. like when did you discover about yourself that the world was this hard? Um, I do actually more recently because before, but I mean, you've been smoking for a decade now, right?

Pretty much. Yeah. So at some point it started. Yeah. Take me back there. I was drinking and about three years ago, my husband and I quit drinking completely because we were we did not have a healthy relationship with alcohol. So really, I think back all the way to before I stopped drinking or started, which was like 13 years old.

And at that time, I was dealing with depression, which I still do continue to deal with depression on and off. Sure. So what was going on at home? I think a lot of not being heard. Okay. I know that that's really a big theme that comes up for me is not being heard. Okay. What was going on in place of you being not heard? Everything else. I think I learned early on that I just needed to take care of myself.

Who taught you that? That was something I assumed myself, I think, because I wasn't getting what I needed at home at an early age. So I just stepped up and started doing that for myself. Where were mom and dad? Present, but busy. My father traveled for work a lot so he might be gone for like a week at a time

and my mom was a stay at home mom but emotionally psychologically not very present she's very task oriented too so I'm interested what do you think I'm going to say about marijuana

I think you will tell me some of the hazards. Okay. So I'm in therapy now, and I've been talking about this dilemma for about the past two months. And my therapist is so gracious at telling me the hazards of it. But I just feel like I'm really split. I'm really on the fence. So you think I'm just going to tell you the hazards of it? I think that that's a hazards of it? Um,

I think that that's a piece of it. Okay. But I'm not quite sure. All right, so, what's your conflict? My conflict is,

on one hand, I feel like my life would improve if I didn't use marijuana. How would it improve? How would it improve? I think it probably affects my sleep.

So sleep and energy. 1,000%. The research is super clear that it's sleep disruptive. Okay. So sleep. All right. What else would improve? I think I would actually be able to pursue things that I'm interested in

rather than kind of using half of my day to veg out and do nothing. Okay. What else? Um, I think my health would obviously improve. So even with smoking, like I get, I get a wheeze in my lungs and I'll just like take an inhaler and then just go back to smoking. Yeah. I know that that's incongruent with who I want to be.

Okay. Oh gosh. What you have been in counseling using words like incongruence. Way to smoking. Yeah. I know that that's incongruent with who I want to be. Okay. Oh, gosh. You have been in counseling using words like incongruence. Way to go. All right, so... I used to be a mental health counselor. See, you know all the stuff, right?

Well, knowing and doing. They're not the same thing. Exactly. Okay, so you've been down the road. There's something bigger driving this. You're not having, you're not thinking about making a, what I would call an intimate behavior change.

This is a big deal because this has, this has been your buffer between you and a very dangerous world for almost 10 years. And it's probably been a buffer between you and a somewhat tumultuous marriage. And it's been a buffer between you and a very dysregulated brain. That's, that's hyper vigilant wondering why does nobody find value in me? Tell me I'm wrong.

Listen to you like, I don't know, maybe. So, like, you don't just give that up. You don't just give up a warm jacket or a coat that you wear in the winter that keeps you warm. There's a

reason why, and it's below like, well, I just want to sleep better and accomplish a few things. What's the real reason you're done with this? Are you, you're considering being done with it? Uh, the real reason I'm considering being done with it is I, I do think it holds me back.

I don't think I'm living up to my full potential. Okay. And, and I use it as a coping mechanism. Yeah. So I, I do self-medicate for depression with marijuana. And it's really hard. It's really scary to give that up. Yeah. It's your feeling. Yep. What has your mental health counselor told you that, like, what have they advised you? Well, she's been really great in staying with me and ambivalent. So I don't feel like I've gotten any kind of direction in any way,

but honestly, that's actually probably what I need. Okay. Because I feel like I could become defensive if I get pushed either way. If you called me for ambivalence, you may have made the wrong phone call. Well, I didn't. I'm not good with ambivalence. I called you for the honest truth. Oh, gotcha. Okay. All right.

So here's the honest truth. Weed works. Most of the time it works. It helps put a buffer between people in the world. And not everybody. Some people make some super, all the stuff, we all know that. I think in what's happened in the past 10 to 15 years,

25 years, is there has been such a mania around it that people on both sides of the equation have lost their minds. There's those who are willing to look at a 65 year old going through stage four cancer chemo and say, nope, you don't get to have pain reduction. You have to take opioids that are going to prescribe you, that are going to decimate your community. Ready? Go. And then there's the others who are like, you know what? My 14 year old's a

little bit wacky, a little bit spun up. Let's give him marijuana because there's the others who are like, you know what? My 14-year-old's a little bit wacky, a little bit spun up. Let's give him marijuana because there's absolutely no—right? Both sides are nuts, okay? And so here's the honest truth that I've seen over the last 20 years of working with people. It works, and ultimately, in a situation like yours in, it will take everything. Right? That's how it feels sometimes. It does.

It does. And it has. And it's that weird, the colder it gets outside, the harder it is to give the jacket up. And the only way to finally face the demons is to be out in the cold for a season.

And it's not long season. But it's not just a matter of you quitting smoking weed. It means I have to get really serious about my childhood. I got to get real serious about my depression. I got to get super hyper-focused about how I live my life. I'm going to have to have some hard conversations in my marriage, right? So it's not just quitting weed. It's are you ready to change almost everything?

That's, I think, the dilemma. Because I am assuming that that's the package deal. And it's really hard to move forward knowing that I'm going to be feeling uncomfortable going through this process of being cold without the jacket and also learning new skills as I go. I've never done anything like, I guess, that challenging. It feels really difficult. Can I tell you something? I think you have.

I think you've survived. I don't think you're telling me the full picture of your childhood, and I don't blame you, so that's totally cool. I think you've seen some stuff. And I think you've put up with a lot of stuff. Fair? I've put up with a lot. Yeah.

Talk all the way into your phone for me. I've put up with a lot. Yeah. That's fair. And I think you have done hard stuff for a long time. I don't think you realize how strong you are. And you know how bad it's going to be for a while. The research tells us it's about two weeks of absolute bloody hell when you become the worst version of yourself.

If you quit cold turkey today, it would be two to three weeks of misery, sleep, dysregulated, anxiety, exhausted. It sounds, it's awful. There's no, I mean, there's no way to walk through it. I mean, there's no other way to walk through it. In fact, one study I was looking at recently, like there's not even, there's not even that anybody knows of in the study I was looking at, there was medication to softland this didn't work. Because, again, we're

talking about this stuff works for a reason. And you've got to turn and face the stuff that it's protecting you from. I don't feel like I have a plan to deal with that. So, like, how do you live for those two weeks? Like, I don't know how to do that. The way forward through those two weeks is twofold.

Number one, you let your counselor know I'm about to do this, and let's get a game plan in place. Number two, you be hyper intentional about knowing this too shall pass. I'm going to commit for 30 days. That's it. I'm going to commit for 30 days to not use. Full stop. I might eat. I might go work out. I might just kick and scream on my couch, whatever. It usually helps if you change the environment. So we're also going to cut out Netflix.

We're going to take away the normal things we do as a routine so that this thing, that ball doesn't get rolled down the hill without even me even realizing it. You know what I mean? Like there's just a routine. I get home and I drop my keys here and I turn the TV on there. And all of a sudden I'm packing a bowl and I didn't even realize it. Right. It just happened.

So I'm going to disrupt that thing all the way to, I'm going to drive home a different way home from work. I'm going to park in the street for 30 days instead of the garage. I'm going to disrupt that cycle and I'm going to be vigilant about it. And here, the important part for me, when I've tried to break addictions and I've never been addicted to marijuana, but when I've had to change behaviors is I get really intentional about what's setting it off. What is making me want to go hide? Why am I keep, like for me, like why do I keep reaching for food? And what I noticed in short order was super annoying is when I was tired or when I got, had work stress or when I had relationship, when I was out of whack with my family,

my kid would come in and say, I can't believe you said this. And I'm like, whatever. And I was, I'm reaching for the bag of cookies. Like I just, it was automated. Or I'd get home and I'd feel some tension on my wife and I would just feel it and I'd be like, I don't feel like having a discussion today. And I'm just grabbing the gummy worms.

You see what I'm saying? So I carried something around with me and I write, what is my body trying to protect me from right now? And it's just going to be miserable for a couple of weeks. And on the other side of it is sleep like you haven't slept in 10 years or 15 years or 20 years.

And what's on the other side of it is like a cataract getting pulled off your eyes and peace and laughter, not high laughter, but like that's actually really and laughter. Not high laughter, but like that's actually really funny laughter. You know what I mean? No, but I hear you. I haven't had it. I mean, so, or I'm just using your words,

like accomplishment. Yeah. Nothing worthy of being accomplished happens easy comes at a price it's hard and going all the way back to your original like man I just I don't like being uncomfortable that's what we're going to practice but I will tell you this

for as long as you smoked I want you to have contact with a professional whether it's your mental health counselor whether you get with a doctor and let them know I want you to have somebody with you that you can call. Okay. Okay. And it will walk alongside you.

Before I let you go, what, what scares you the most about this? Feeling my feelings. I think that is the scariest part. Who told you your feelings weren't, weren't valuable? Weren't valuable? What were they? I think it's just the messages of, like, that not being heard young. But now, more recently, like, you know, if I were not to smoke today or the days that I've been trying, I'm very uncomfortable. I hate the feelings that I have. I'm agitated.

Tell me about them. I'm irritable. What are they? What's the feelings? Usually, like have. I'm agitated. Tell me about them. I'm irritable. What are they? What's the feelings? Usually like more of an agitation. And that's really difficult for me to handle. Okay. What do you get agitated about?

I feel it in my chest. Ah, there you go. I feel just uncomfortable. I'm agitated that I'm not high, I guess. No, no, no. No, it's, man, I'm heartbroken for you because after many years and lots of experiences and lots of stories,

it's become uncomfortable to live in your own skin because you don't think you're worthy of your space. And on this side of you, you won't hear me. On the other side, you will. You're worthy of your space. And you're worthy of your space and you're worthy of peace and your feelings count even your agitated ones, even your annoying ones even your uncomfortable ones, they all count

and then you gotta go make the next right hard decision will you say that I'm worth not being high I'm worth not being high I'm worth not being high are you worth wrestling with your depression for the first time for real yeah I'm worth

dealing with this depression are you worth a really good marriage yes I'm worth a really good marriage okay hey it takes a lot of courage and a lot of bravery to look up good marriage? Yes, I'm worth a really good marriage. Okay. Hey, it takes a lot of courage and a lot of bravery to look up on 10-year-old patterns and say, I want to be different.

It really does. I'm proud of you. That's hard. And anybody that tells you there's an easy path is trying to sell you snake oil. They're lying to you. Okay. Okay. Will your husband join you on this?

Yeah, he's really ambivalent as well. So we're kind of right in the same turning point right now. Okay. I want you to check out a book. It's called Dopamine Nation by Anna Lemke, L-E-M-B-K-E. Okay. And it's less, she's the addiction, she's the director of addiction studies at Stanford Medical School. So she's about a thousand X smarter than me. But it'll give you some really, really concrete practical tools for disrupting, for dysregulating these patterns. But ultimately, there's going to be a season of two to three weeks of really intense discomfort followed by an exhaustion followed by a, what do I do now?

Okay? Okay. And let me hear you say, I mean, let me tell you, you're worth it. He's worth it. Your marriage is worth it. All of it's worth it. And the little knucklehead of kids you're going to have down the road, they're worth it too. Okay. Thank you. Is that fair? Yeah. All right.

Have this conversation with your, um, with your counselor or with your doctor to make sure everybody's on the same plan. All of your critical care people in your life are on the same plan. Go with your husband. Y'all co-create this plan. Get that book, and y'all can use it as marching orders, man. And listen, I'm real, real proud of you. In 30 days, when you're done, when you've gone 30 days stone, stone clean, holler at me. Can't wait to have you back on the show. We'll be right back. All right, hey, I'm right back in. Hold on.

Hey, Elizabeth? Yes. Are you, Elizabeth? Yes? Are you still there? Yes. So, this is awesome. So, I ended the call with, when you're 30 days stone, and I was saying like,

I was trying to say like stone cleaned. Clean. Uh-huh. But in the booth, it sounded like I said, after 30 days you're stoned, then just give me a call back. That's not what I meant. You know what I meant. Okay.

Did you know what I meant? I knew what you meant, and I was laughing. That was kind of the wrong choice of words. It couldn't have been. It couldn't have been a worse choice of words. What an idiot. So listen. Yeah.

I was trying to say stone sober. That's what I was looking for. I'm just going to take all rock and stone references out, and we'll just say this. In 30 days, when you've had 30 days of sobriety, holler Batgirl at me, and then we'll chit-chat. Is that cool? Okay, that's cool.

Oh, my gosh. You know what I should not have for a job is being a podcaster. Oh, my goodness. All right, we'll be right back. This show is sponsored by podcaster. Oh my goodness. All right. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. October is the season for wearing costumes. And if you haven't started planning your costume, seriously, get on it. I'm pretty sure I'm going to go as Brad Pitt because we have the same upper body, but whatever. Look, it's costume season. And if we're being honest, a lot of us hide our true selves behind masks and costumes more often than we want to.

We do this at work. We do this in social settings. We do this around our own families. We even do this with ourselves. I have been there multiple times in my life, and it's the worst. If you feel like you're stuck hiding your true self behind costumes and masks, I want you to consider talking with a therapist. Therapy is a place where you can learn to accept all the parts of yourself, where you can be honest with yourself, and where you can take off the mask and the costumes and learn to live an honest, authentic

life. Costumes and masks should be for Halloween parties, not for our emotions and our true selves. If you're considering therapy, I want you to call my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy. You can talk with your therapist anywhere so it's convenient for just about any schedule. You just get online and you fill out a short survey and you'll be matched with a licensed therapist and you can switch therapist at any time

for no additional cost. Take off the costumes and take off the masks with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash Diloni to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Diloni. All right, we are back. Let's go to Dallin in Tampa, Florida. What's up, my man Dallin? Hey, how's it going? We're just rocking on, dude. Talking about all kinds of crazy things today. What are you up to?

Just gearing up for this call. Before we get going, I wanted to say thanks for doing what you do, man. You add a lot of clarity and goodness to the world. I really appreciate what you do. We need it. I'm grateful for you, man. Thank you. So what's up dude so i was i was trying to figure out some things that are a bit complicated emotionally for me so i i feel like i can't quite see the forest through the trees to to make sense of all this uh, so feel free to interject and ask questions if this doesn't have any sort of

cohesive statement to it. But, um, so my dad, cohesive statements aren't really my specialty, but I'll do my best. Right. I appreciate that. Uh, so my, my dad's currently in jail and has been for about a year. What happened? Well, so according to the law, I think he had multiple DUIs to the felony level. So he had all those that had to get figured out. And from what I understand, he'll be out in like six months or so. And I haven't been really good with setting boundaries with him in the past, mostly. And in the past, I mean, the more recent past, mostly because I can't decipher what is true and what is not. And I know enough to know that

a lot of what he's telling me isn't true, but I think he, he believes it. I, I, I suspect that he has been misusing, uh, prescription drugs off and on for the past 20 years or so. And, um, my, my parents divorced when I was really young, when I was nine, it was in court until I was 18. I had a therapist as a kid and, and a guardian that light them and things were kind of wild back then. But honestly, it kind of helped me grow up and taught me a lot. But at the time, my dad claimed that my mom was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. But I don't know if I can even believe that.

And she definitely had all the earmarks of that from what I've studied. And it makes sense. And my dad seemed to be the sane one. He was really smart, really well to do in his career. He was doing, you know, marathons and just really an awesome person. Everyone loved him. And, uh, now fast forward 20 years and my mom has become the more stable one. My dad has gone off the rails. And so I tend to not give my mom as much grace as I should. Cause we have, there's a lot we need to work through. And I, I always give my dad the benefit of the doubt because you know, he helped me out as a kid so much, um, being relatively stable. And, uh, but now like, I, I don't even know what to believe. And I don't know how to set a boundary or even decide what the boundary is. I mean, I've got a family, I've got a wife and three kids and one on the way. So we're, you know, we need to have our

own space from, from the hat craziness. Um, and, uh, he's, he's been in trouble with the law multiple times. So this feels busier than it really is. Okay. So I'm super glad that you called. And your dad's in jail, so it's a sensational version, but millions of people are wrestling with how do I set these boundaries? And so let me say a couple of things. These may have been said to you.

They should have been. But if they haven't been, your parents' divorce had nothing to do with you. Right. Right? Yes. Your mom had challenges and your dad had challenges and they should have treated you differently and they didn't. And I'm sorry. Thanks.

You cannot go back and it's a complete waste of your time and energy to go reverse diagnose your mom and try to quote unquote figure out what happened. It's an equal waste of time to try to figure out what your dad is trying, is he telling the truth? Is he not? Is today a good day? Is today not a good day? Because what you're doing is you're waiting on external factors to set your personal

and familial boundaries. And that's not how boundaries work. You set your boundaries. What that's not how boundaries work. You set your boundaries. What does that mean? If you're going to be intoxicated, you will not be at this home. Period. If you are using this season, we're not going to have you around.

I don't care if I feel uncomfortable around you, I'm going to do holidays this way this year. Right. Because I can't even tell. He's so functional with it a lot of the time. Okay, but you don't want him around. Why don't you want him around?

I don't trust that he's just too unpredictable. So let me be— Sometimes it's great. Sometimes it's not. Let me be super clear. The only thing you owe him on planet Earth is respect and dignity, period. You don't owe him your time. You don't owe him access to your kids.

You don't owe him a bed in your home if you don't want him. You don't owe him. You do have to not be a jerk. You've got to be respectful because that's just human dignity, right? If you start treating him with a lack of dignity and respect, that's hurting you, not him. Well, it hurts him, but it hurts you worse. respect, that's hurting you, not him. Right? Well, it hurts him, but it hurts you worse. Other than that, you don't owe him.

And you're trying to figure out a way to keep your kids safe and to keep your status as his son safe and at the same time deal with a pinball machine. Right. Just quit. Just quit. and at the same time deal with a pinball machine. Just quit. Just quit. So part of me has toyed with the idea of like, do I just not engage with them at all anymore? Because it's such a, I don't know if it's hot or cold. Yes.

He gets really delusional too to the point where he's like, they're after me. They've been like, it's bonkers. And I'm like, I can't go down that road with you and then he's like oh you betrayed me for not believing me you're one of them right and i'm like i just i can't like i just i feel terrible just cutting him off and being like i'm not gonna have a relationship with you until you normalize and he's like but i am normal hey listen you're gonna feel terrible the other way so the question is not how do i not feel terrible you feel terrible on both ends the question is

am I going to choose guilt or am I going to choose resentment am I going to choose guilt over I'm going to feel guilty when he says you betrayed me you're one of the alien finders and I bet you have a secret bunker in the bottom of the Denver airport right you're going to feel guilty there

or you're going to resent the fact that he's sitting on your couch high. He hasn't bathed in a couple of days and he's given some nonsense to your oldest kid and he's disrespecting your wife. And that's the thing is it's the opposite. He seems like the most professional,

like businessman ever. And it's so Like it plays with my mind And I'm like wait no okay hold on That's not real Be done Be done But I love him right

Those aren't mutually exclusive man They're both in I can love you I have some of my best friends on the planet Who I love deeply I would never hire them. They're wildly unreliable people when it comes to professional stuff. If I were to call and be like, all right, listen, I'm locked in a studio.

This guy named James is trying to kill me. They would be like, hang on. One of them I don't even think is legally allowed to drive. But they'd be like, I'm going to get a bus pass, and then it's on. Give me 18 hours. They'd come. They'd show up. Would I hire them?

No chance, right? So it's not mutually exclusive. You love your dad, and he is not coming to my home. I love my dad, and I care about my dad, and I'm putting in boundaries to keep him and me safe and him and my wife and my kids safe. So how would I proceed moving forward with the relationship in any way? Or is it just like, we're not even talking anymore. You're done.

Why do you, when did it become your job to preserve your relationship with your dad? I'll tell you when, when you were a seven-year-old kid wondering what you did to screw up your family. That's why I started this whole thing with, it's not your fault. Because you still are trying to duct tape this thing together, man. And you are the kid. It's not your job. It's your dad's job to come across the aisle and hold your face and say, I freaking love you.

And my life doesn't work when you're not in it. And your dad didn't do that. Well, he, yeah. Or maybe he did and he's not now. He did. And he still tries to, right? He

he almost overdoes it to the point where I'm like, okay, I got it, dad. I got it. I get it. You love me. Right. But, and then I'm like, but you got to stop like messing around with prescription drugs. You got to like be clean of that. And he's like, no, I am. I'm doing what the doctors say. I'm like, I don't believe you. Yeah. You know? So it's like, let's take another track. Get out of the conversations. Look at actions and behavior. That's it. Behavior is a language.

Yeah. So I don't care what you're saying. I don't care how I just, all I care is I think you're high. I would like you to not be at my house. Yeah. Full stop. And if he chooses to not be in relationship with you because of your

boundaries, that's a choice he's made. It's not on you. Right. If you say, I will not let you around me or my kids when you're high or when you're intoxicated. Um,

and he's like, well, screw you. You're one of them. Then he has looked at his son and said, I would rather choose X over you. Yeah. That's hard. it's hard that's hard all right right and if everything seems normal and the actions are starting to sound relatively leveled after all of this is there a way to walk back into that or I think so. Yeah.

And man, all right. Cause the caveat to that is he got married right before he went to jail and she, what do you, what's your, what's your ultimate goal, man? What's your ultimate aim here? I would love for, I would love to have him stabilize a little bit on that and then be able to have the good parts of our relationship and not the ones that get delusional. Um,

because when we, whenever we interact and it's not off, you know, in the other land, all of a sudden it's like, Hey, we have a good relationship. My kids love it.

Right. Their favorite grandparent. Right. And they're talking about them all the time and it's like, hey, we have a good relationship. My kids love him, right? They're favorite grandparents, right? And they talk about him all the time and they want to, you know, he'll send gifts and stuff. And he's just, when he's here, he'll get down on his knees with them and play with them.

And he just is super present and it's great. But then also there's a giant government conspiracy specifically against him because, and he has this elaborate backstory and I'm like, I can't, I can't participate in that. Okay.

If you can't participate, that's a boundary you're drawn and draw it and move on with your life, dude. Like you're spending too much time second guessing your boundaries. Yeah. And I think a lot of it is because I give him so much benefit of the doubt when i'm like okay well okay i see what you mean maybe that's a little believable that you know you were hey that's that's you know whatever that is the 12 year old you still trying to be like well okay

here's here's's an outrageous example. What you're describing to me is exactly the conversation I have when somebody's in an abusive relationship. Right. Listen, he only hits me when he's really been drinking and it's fine. I know what it sounds like. Usually, I press it. I push it. I complain and I get to whining

and then he gets mad. And so if I would just shut up then he wouldn't hit me. And most of the time it's fine. And actually, you know what else?

He's so good with my dogs. They love him. And they're so good at character judgment. You see what I'm saying? Point taken, yeah. So you can create a, here's, there's two fantasies going on.

One, the fantasy of the perfect family, of dad coming back and being, that's not real, man. Yeah. It's not real. So you got to live in reality. Yep. And the other fantasy is you can have it all.

You can somehow keep the awesome, cool, rolling around on the floor, and then the guy who is an addict and not safe. Right. And you can't do both. Or you can, but you've got to have some comically strong, really strong boundaries and some really strong implementation guidelines

and a really respectful person who's going to hear your boundaries and go, all right, time to go, and I'm going to walk out the door. And you don't see that very often. It's pretty rare. It's a very, very special family that can navigate that. All I have to say is this.

Be clear about what you're aiming for, and when you aim for it, use reality as a metric. You want a relationship with your dad? Great. He has to come play. He's got to come play. And he can't play most of the time

and then be abusive just a tiny bit of the time. He can't play most of the time and then only get high and then come tell you a bunch of stuff that's going on. The government doesn't want you to know. Your boundaries are your boundaries. They are what they are, and you have a right to them. Make your boundaries firm and strong. Hold to them.

We'll be right back. Hey, what's up? Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious or burned out or chronically stressed at some point. In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you. So you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life. Get your copy today at johndeloney.com. All right, we are back as we wrap up today's show. Man, I'm going with an oldie,

one of my favorites of all time. Oh, God, this record is so good. Off the Love Iron song record by the one and only Frank Turner. Song's called I Knew Proof Rock Before He Got Famous. He said, let's begin at the beginning. We're lovers and we're losers. We're lovers and we're losers. We're heroes and we're pioneers.

We're beggars and we're choosers and we're skirting on the edges of the ideal demographic. We're almost on the guest list, but we're always stuck in traffic. And I know I'm not the one who's habitually optimistic, but I'm the one who's got the microphone here. So just remember this. Life is about love, last minutes and lost evenings,

about fire in our bellies and furtive little feelings and the aching amplitudes that set our needles all a-flickering and help us with remembering that the only thing there's left to do is live. We'll see you soon. Coming up on the next episode. Our 26-year-old son told us last summer that he's been taking female hormones for two years. He said that he wants us to call him Rachel.

My husband and I have made plans to visit him in late June. We told him that we have no agenda, but that we love him and we miss him. How do we deal with the name pronoun issue? If calling him Rachel and using feminine pronouns compromises our values, then how do we open a line of communication with him and build our relationship? So Juan, thank you for your trust. This one's hard.