The Dr. John Delony Show - I Caught My Mom Having An Affair

Episode Date: May 2, 2025

On today’s episode, we hear about: ·      A son trying to process his mom’s affair ·      A wife struggling with not having her needs met in the marriage ·      A mom wondering how to have a conversation with her daughters about cosmetic surgery Next Steps: 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test  📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future  ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards  💭 John's Free Guided Meditation  🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch   Connect With Our Sponsors: 🌱 Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. 🔴 Get 15% off with code DELONY at Bon Charge. 🌿 Get up to 40% off with code DELONY at Cozy Earth.  🔒 Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe. 😇 Go to Hallow for a 90-day free trial. 💤 Visit Helix Sleep for special offers! 🥤 Get 20% off with code DELONY at Organifi.  💪 Get 25% off your order at Thorne.  🏋️ Go to Trainwell to get started! Explore More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights   🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💡 The Rachel Cruze Show 💰 George Kamel 🪑 Front Row Seat with Ken Coleman 📈 EntreLeadership   Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

What's up, what's up? Listen, me and Dave Ramsey are hitting the road and coming to a city near you, bringing our shows about life, money, and relationships to your town. It's almost here, so don't wait. Grab your tickets for this amazing night at ramsysolutions.com slash tour. I discovered that my mother was having an affair and I found a box of condoms in my car after she borrowed them. From your mom? Yeah, I had to confront her on it and uh... Dude, hold on, how old are you?

I'm 20. Nobody should find a box of condoms after their mom borrowed their car, dude. What's going on? What up, what up? This is John with the Dr. John Delaney Show, taking your calls on your relationships. Man, it's tough to be in relationships these days. Whether you're dating, you're trying to date, or trying to figure out how to be married in a culture that is obsessed with you not being married very well.

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All right, let's go out to New York and talk to, hey, Joey! What's up, Joey? How's it going, Dr. John? Doing all right, brother. What's up, man? So I discovered that my mother was having an affair. At first she kind of tried to deny and lie about it. And she just said, you know, it was a one time thing, but it was pretty clear cut that the evidence was there. And it came to a boiling point where she finally admitted it and came out with the truth.

But how to, obviously my father's very distraught by this how did he find out she borrowed my car and I found a box of condoms in my car after she borrowed them after she borrowed the car and from your mom yeah I had to confront her on it and uh, dude, hold on. No, how old are you? I'm 20. Bro. Yeah, man.

Nobody should find a box of condoms after their mom borrowed their car, dude. Yeah, I'm smiling, but it's like out of horror for you. It was, it was, I, I went into a state of just shaking and I felt like a ghost as soon as I saw it. I was like, this can't be real. Yeah. I mean, I'm thinking that now, like there's no way that can't be real. I mean, it still feels, it's still, the whole thing just feels like a nightmare. How did your dad find out?

So I gave her the ultimatum. I said, good on you, brother. Good for you. Either either you tell her or said either you tell him or I'm going to tell him. Good. I'm not living with that on my conscience. Yes. You're a person of integrity.

Good call, man. Excellent. Well done, brother. So, you know, she ended up telling him a couple days later and, uh, but those couple days just, I couldn't even look at my dad in the eyes. He could feel something was wrong and, uh, it was just, it was horrible on me. It still is. And obviously now he's very distraught and struggling because she continued to lie about it after I discovered it and just said, you know, it was a one time thing, but then we found more evidence that it was clearly not just a one-time thing and

You know the phone calls the text messages were pretty clear-cut That this had been going on for you know, a little over a month, maybe two months. Yeah, so brother I'm just gonna tell you right out of the gate. I'm sorry Thank you 20 year old are not supposed to find condoms in their car after their mom borrows like this is not supposed to happen No on 50 different levels and I brother I got to applaud you your mom put you in an impossible situation which is at some level hey this the fate of this family stand together now rests on you 20 year old Joey and

That is stone-cold unfair and you did the right thing by saying hey you have this much time And I'm not gonna I'm not gonna contribute to the lack of integrity in this house by also me becoming a liar in the process Not gonna do it Right. I'm proud of you. I'm so proud of you, dude Cuz I know that's hard because it's also your mother no matter how gross gross and weirded out this is, it's also your mom, right? Yeah. All right. So how can I help, man?

What can I do for you? I mean, I guess how do I like, I've been trying to help my, like honestly, more out of it than anything, I'm more distraught for my dad because, you know, they've been together for over 30 years and- You can't carry it, brother and you can't carry it brother You can't carry it He's struggling so much and my family like my brothers and all that they're all struggling with it, too I know but listen you can't carry this

Like they're they're 30 year married couple they're what 50 or 60 years old Yep, yeah, you can't carry this you're 20 married couple, they're what, 50 or 60 years old? Yep. Yeah, you can't carry this, you're 20. I don't mean to kick you while you're down. I couldn't carry this for my parents. They have to be grown adults and do the next right thing for them to stay well individually and to decide, do we want to stay married? And if we do, what is that going to look like?

And you cannot participate in that. Okay. You can love your dad and you can say, dad, I'll go have a drink with you. Or you can't drink yet, but I'll go have coffee with you. I'll go get a bagel in New York with you. I'll go do whatever with you. But I'm not going to talk about mom.

That's for you and your counselor. That's for you and your buddies. That's for you and your pastor. That's for you and whoever. But he's got to have adult friends that he can lean on and adult professionals to lean on. He can't burden his 20 year old son with this. Yep. Okay.

And I know that makes you feel the one thing that all men, especially 20 year olds, are taught to avoid at all costs, and that is feeling powerless. And men are taught when you feel powerless, you just start swinging. When you feel powerless, you just start jawing. When you feel powerless, you just start shooting. When you feel powerless, you just start drinking.

And so the biggest challenge you're going to have is keeping your wits about you and doing the next right thing for a while. Yeah. Not trying to drink this away, not trying to ignore this away, not trying to lie this away, but also not trying to solve it. It's just this uncomfortable tension that's just going to be for a while. And dude, you didn't do anything to cause it. I'm sorry it happened. Yeah. Are you living at home? I've told my dad, I've already explained to him. I said, you know, I'm always here for you.

I get you have a motion, cause he's like, I feel sorry that, you know, that you guys have to go through this. And I said, man, it's not your fault. And whatever your decision, whatever going forward it is, I'm here for you. I support you in whatever it is that you wanna do moving forward with this.

And let me tell you, that's a great blessing you gave to your dad. Yeah. That I'll love you no matter what. You wanna keep this marriage together, I'm gonna love you. And you say, I'm out, I'm gonna love you. Yeah. That's a great blessing.

You are wise beyond your years my man It's an honor to get to talk to you Likewise, but what I don't want you to do is this will start welling up After the initial smoke wears away and right now you mentioned like it's like feels like you're a ghost like you're in a fog It will turn to anger and rage Okay, and it will turn to anger and rage. Okay? And what I want you to be very careful of is what you do when you're angry. Yeah, I already kind of went through that because I found out who the guy was. I, like you said, I tried to be more wise than that.

I decided, you know, that's just pure emotion. And once I let that emotion get over, I was alright what's the next step what's I'm not gonna do anything to this guy cuz what's that gonna do for anyone nothing it's gonna put you in jail that's it exactly right now if your dad calls and says we got to bury a body that's another thumbs kids don't do that all right but here's the deal are you living at home? I am. All right it's time to move out. It's time to find a place to go. Are you in school? No that's kind of one of the biggest things is like I was working and

then recently it's the winter time so I was working construction my job stopped I'm kind of looking for something else, so I was working construction, my job stopped. I'm kind of looking for something else now. So that was already something that I was dealing with personally and trying to figure out what's my next step. And then this got thrown and... Okay. I think it might be time for a grand adventure.

Are you good at construction? Pretty decent. Yeah. Well, here's what I know about you. You're a person of high, high wisdom and high integrity at 20 years old. You either went through some crap as a kid or your parents raised you really well. Which one is it? A little bit of both.

A little bit of both? Okay. You've seen the world. Fair? Sure, yeah. You've seen some stuff? Yep. Alright. I don't want you to lose that wisdom and it might be that you get one of your brothers and you say, hey let's

move to Texas for a year and let's just work construction. They're building solar panel farms like crazy. Let's go get on one of those crews and let's get an apartment. Let's go on an adventure. I'm 20 years old Yeah, you know I'm saying I Was kind of thinking about getting out of construction and doing something different like sales Get on it. What would your thoughts be on that? I'd say go knock your lights out if you'll hang on the phone I'm gonna hook you up as my free gift. I'm gonna hook you up with my buddy. Ken Coleman wrote a book Work your wire to do and it's got a career assessment in there. I'm gonna get that for you for free I'm also gonna send you his book.

It was the number one best seller. It's called The Proximity Principle. And basically it's an end around. It just teaches you how to put yourself in conversations and around people that can enlighten you to the next step. And if you wanna get into sales, here's the thing. The whole world moves at the speed of sales. If you're good at selling and you're a person of wisdom

and you're a person of integrity, bro, the world is yours. And so if there's somebody on your construction team that does the sales part of the job, you may come in and say, man, I think I want a future in sales. If you don't mind being told no a lot, And so if there's somebody on your construction team that does the sales part of the job, you may come in and say, man, I think I want a future in sales. If you don't mind being told no a lot, you don't mind being uncomfortable,

you're clearly pretty good at navigating that, bro, the world can be yours. Yeah. Or just go get a job in retail, man. You're not doing anything anyway. Go get a job at two different retail places and just work on sales. Go get a job in retail, man. You're not doing anything anyway. Go get a job at two different retail places and just work on sales. Go get a job in a car dealership and go get a job at a department store, man. And you're not going to make a jillion dollars, but you're going to slowly see how commission

works. You're going to slowly see how sales work. You're going to slowly see how telling the truth to a customer when you could get a little bit more out of this one sale. But over time, you're going to get a bunch more if you tell the truth. And you as a salesperson, you're focused on one thing, helping other people. There's that old Zig Ziglar quote,

if you help enough people, you don't have to worry about money. That's gonna be you. Right? Bro, the world can be your oyster, but I want you to begin to think about what is life outside of this house and get one or two of your brothers

and you all go begin to make your fortune somewhere and just continue to be wise and people of high integrity. Don't borrow money, don't put yourself, don't chain yourself to somebody else so you have to do what they say every day and then go get it my man. I guess the only other thing with that is I worry about right now is leaving my dad and leaving him alone to his dad. He's a grown man. He's a 50 or 60 year old man.

If he had heart trouble or he'd had a hip replacement or he had just had a stroke and he needed hands on deck, I could see some 20 year old muscle. I can see a 20 year old saying, Hey, I'm going to, I'm going to take six months of my life off and I'm going to walk alongside my old man when he gets back on his feet. But what he needs right now, I'm saying this with all love in my heart. You can't give him. Yeah. It's just hard. It's seeing him broken and seeing him upset. I've never seen that. I know.

It's hard. Yeah. Yeah. It's the hardest thing in the world. There's a moment in all of us when our dads become human. Yeah. It's really hard to watch. That's what I told him. He said, I feel selfish for letting you see this. And I said, dad, you're human.

He gave you a great gift. And that because one day someone's going to break your heart. One day someone's going to cheat you. One day someone's going to hurt you. And you're's gonna cheat you, one day someone's gonna hurt you. And you're gonna be able to draw back on this and go and hold on, it's okay for a season to just drop my shoulders and weep. Yep.

It's okay to be devastated for a season. There'd be something wrong with your old man if he got up the next day after finding out his wife of 30 years was cheating on him and he found out the way he found out. And he was like, oh, that's cool, man. Gotta go make that buck. There'd be something wrong with him yeah the right thing is that he's devastated because he loved hard right it's been tough because

both me and him we can't eat we can't sleep yeah and that's what I say I try to say with all love and respect I want you to get out of that environment because you need to see the sun come up again. Yeah. And you need to see, you need to hear the birds chirping again. Yep. And you need to see a customer smile because you came in their life

and you helped them with the problem and they showed you appreciation for that help by giving you money. Yep. Right? Yeah. And he needs to go talk to a counselor, your old man. He needs to go talk to a couple of close friends But you can't you can't bear the weight of that adult marriage on the back of your 20 year old shoulders

And that's not it. That's not something wrong with you. That's just reality Right, right Is that cool? That's cool, brother. Hang on the line. I'm hooking up with a couple of free things and I just want to tell you again It's been a high honor to get to talk to you I don't get to talk to me 20 year olds that are this high wisdom and that are this high integrity Keep those two things keep those two things never lose them. Okay, brother Thank you. All right, man. You call me anytime you call me anytime Thank you

All right, brother Kelly before I go to break, I need other words. No one should ever have to. No. Well, none of that. None of that. That's all. Just none of that.

We come back. A wife and mother of four wonders, do I just need to put my sexual needs on the back burner? Stay tuned. All right. Let's talk about delete me. Ignoring a problem doesn't make it go away. We can all pretend that scrolling and emailing and buying things online and everything that we watch on the digital devices we all have, we can just pretend that scrolling and emailing and buying things online and everything that we watch on the digital

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Hey. What's up? It's all good. So basically, my big question is, is mine and my husband's sexual differences pertaining to, I have a high sex drive, he does not do medical reasons, and that's a big issue within our marriage, mostly on my side. And so I'm right now trying to see whether or not it is worth the energy anymore to try and get my husband hopefully along the same line as me, or at least trying to put effort into it. I can almost hear the shame in your question.

Yeah, I'm not proud of it. Of course I'm not. Hold on, hold on, hold on. This is your body. Yeah. It's been over 10 years total. And we have kids and, you know, I understand the stress of course, we have four children. Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. You're just trying to talk it out. Talk

it out. Just sit with it for a second, okay? I can hear it on you. I can hear it on you. Yeah. Have you done dumb things over the last 10 years? Yes, to be honest, I have and I have come clean about those. What's happened? I have, it gets to the point where it becomes such a big buildup and I feel in a way abandoned, even though I've communicated and my husband's aware of my sex drive to where I've gotten so frustrated, I have stepped out on my marriage and infidelity

has happened. Okay. I'm not at all dismissing it. I know it's not right, but I'm just sometimes kind of getting in the point of, is it fair for me just to be told that well, this is just how it is. So just deal with it or I think both things are true. I think both things are true. Okay. No, I don't, I don't ever believe, um, outside of yes, some serious, uh, physical challenges. Okay. I don't believe outside of yes, some serious physical challenges, okay?

I don't ever believe in any marriage around any issue that the phrase, this is how I am. Yeah. I don't ever think that's okay. And I don't think it's okay to cheat either. Yeah. And I'm not. But you should be saying like, I know, I know, I know. But A, I want you to fully own it.

And I'll even go as far to, I don't want to put words in your mouth, but due to your frustration and due to your heartbreak and due to feeling like you're being rejected, you became somebody you never thought you would become. Exactly. But I've also since going through all this, I've come to terms that in a lot of ways, I wasn't really raised per se with a very healthy set up pertaining to relationships. I know, I know, but you're already going back to, well, it's actually how I was raised, it's actually how I'm being treated.

No. I want, listen, all the way to the beginning, I heard it right when you called, I just want you to sit with it for a second. Yeah. Okay? And there's a ton of reasons and we'll talk about some of them. But there's so much deflecting going on.

Yeah. Just sit with it for a second. You're in a marriage that you go home to every day. You got four kids, you said, so you got a house of chaos. Yeah, and you're looking at somebody in the storm saying, will you come meet me here in the storm? And he says, no, I ain't coming. Saying will you come meet me here in the storm and he says no I ain't coming That is sometimes how I feel okay now let's dig into the truth of that tell me about his his medical condition It's I want to obviously respect him Apologize for it. Just go straight. He's not so He has ED, but it's not due to testosterone. It's due to a blood flow issue. He himself, like we sat down and talked about this on multiple occasions. And it just seems

that we always go slowly back into the same thing. But I have communicated to him that, while I'm understanding and I don't, I'm not angry at him for having this medical condition, I still have needs as well. And that always kind of turns into him taking that extremely defensively, which is understanding and him being like, well, I feel like you are saying that I wanted this issue. And I'm like, no.

What has he done? What has he done to try to solve the issue? He has gone to a doctor in a male's clinic. That's where we got his testosterone checked and he's fine there. But with that, that's where we found out as well the kind of the type of ED he has. So has he tried Cialis or has he tried any of those the medications? Just the easy ones? Yeah, he's tried medication through like HIMS and stuff. We've tried Viagra and things still aren't through like hymns and stuff. We've tried Viagra and things still aren't really working to where it's slightly building up again in a form of also slight frustration and resentment

somewhat. Because during our, obviously our intimate times, you know, he's able, because I have to give so much attention to him, he's able to be fully satisfied in ways where I'm not because I have to be understanding of his situation. And so I feel slight buildup overall due to the fact that we're not able to physically have it very often, but also in the times that we do, I in a lot of ways feel unsatisfied because I'm not able to be taken care of due to that. Can I throw another option out there?

Yes. I think there's another option. I've brought up sex therapy and he's open to it. Hold on, I think there's another option here beneath it. Because if he was struggling with ED, which is an increasingly common phenomenon for a million different reasons. Yeah. And A, he looked at you and was like, I don't come hell or high water.

I'm going to every doctor in the country to solve this problem because I want to be with you. And on the nights when his body just wasn't working as he wanted it to, he was singularly focused on making sure there's not going to be an orgasm gap in my house, which is the literature name for it that's happening all across the country. The orgasm gap is well known, right? And it was completely focused on, all right, it's not working for me tonight, but you're about to have the night of your life and we're going to go again tomorrow.

Right? If that was happening, my guess is you wouldn't be on the same team. It wouldn't be this me versus him. And so what you're suggesting is, here's what I'm putting on the table. I think that you're saying, I really want to be with you. And he's saying, nah, I don't really want to be with you and he's saying, nah, I don't really want to be with you. That's the way it feels. Yes.

And he's, and by the way, I've talked to countless men. It's embarrassing. It's shameful. It's something that men think about all day because it's just not, you know, there's no feeling there. It's not working. I totally get that. And I have to be an adult, husbands have to be grownups

and say, okay, I'm not gonna let my shame completely rob and starve my partner. That's exactly how I feel. So let's deal with that actual issue because when you keep making it something mechanical, y'all are avoiding the big issue. Yeah. Because when you bring it up, he feels ashamed and his way of feeling, responding to his shame is he comes after you and y'all get in this dance. And then you keep dancing, you keep dancing and then somebody at work says, my God, you're beautiful.

And then you go do something completely stupid. And that's exactly what has happened. I know. On so many different occasions and it's frustrating. It is, it's frustrating. But do you see how you've created this world where everything is happening to you and he's created a world where

he's a victim in his own body, so he quits. Yeah, cause I just literally last week, we had a conversation where I said that he needs to go to therapy, otherwise I'm gonna heavily think about separation. And he flat out asked me, well, is this an ultimatum? And I'm like, in a way, yeah, obviously I don't, I don't want it because I do love him. I mean, we've

been together since I was 19, 20. And so we've, we've been together for our whole entire pretty much young adult lives. And you know, I want it to end with him as well, but I just feel like I just am always the one having to, meet in the middle and the one having to compromise all the time. And I don't feel that being reciprocated, which is just frustrating. It's not frustrating.

It is heartbreaking. Counseling 101 is not to put words in your client's mouth. And so I'm doing that here and I'm sorry. But I think you keep minimizing it and your body is screaming at you. Yeah. And you're like, well, this is just really frustrating. And then you tell yourself a dishonest story, which is it just builds up and I can't help myself. That's not true. You can.

And yeah. And it's like, I have been able to really do like have no issues, but it's just, I just get so frustrated when I communicate with him. And I again, don't, don't see a change. Like there's days where when he's off, like I'll be like, hey, I'm in the mood and I'll try to instigate it. And he's just like, well, I'm not feeling it today and I want to drink or something. And I'm like, oh, okay, that's fine. And I'll just walk off. Like, Okay. But do you realize that's not about sex? It's not about sex. Let's take sex off the table for a second. Okay.

It's just, I'm craving the intimacy. I know, but I almost guarantee you that's in other places in your marriage. Does this happen with money? We do somewhat disagree on either, well, not as heavily as it used to be pertaining to finances. I mean, I can acknowledge, we are what some would consider slightly comfortable.

Like I'm middle class, but you know, I don't have to stress over a lot of bills. And so I feel like we're- But hold on, there you go minimizing it again. Right? Y'all aren't on the same page with how you obtain, save and spend money. And what that means is you're not in alignment on what do you want this year to look like. And that means you're not in alignment on in five years, where do we want to live? And that means you're not in alignment on in 15 years, where do we want our kids to

go to college? And that plays out minute by minute. What about holiday plans? How do y'all decide where you're going to travel? No, because he doesn't want to think about it. Okay. He just he's That's the issue. Okay. He doesn't want to make any decisions or deal with it. And that's another thing. Okay, so do you hear this recurring theme? You're married to somebody who has opted out of his own life. Sex is a part of it.

And sex is the part for most people when they feel dead in their own skin, pornography makes them feel alive. That guy at work that's like, my God, you're beautiful, makes you feel alive. Yeah. Okay. I feel wanted. Yes, but that's deep.

That's a piece of it. I think wanted is the story you tell yourself. And I may be out to lunch. I think beneath that is you are trying to co-create a life with somebody that looked at you and said, I am out. Or to put it another way, he left you a long time ago. He just still lives in the same house. I don't wanna talk to you about our future.

I don't wanna talk to you about your needs. I don't wanna talk to you about what you want. I don't wanna talk to you about how we spend money. I don't wanna talk to you about how we go on vacation. I want to just opt out. The direct deposit's happening. You should be happy. I'm going back to my beer and my video games.

Yeah, because, yeah, he disassociates on his phone and he does help with the kids. And I mean, we do have opportunities of, you know, having discussions and whatnot, but what does tend to happen is every now and then I'll bring something up and he'll be like, well, I thought we were already over this. And I'm like, well, obviously not, we're not. I just bring something up to you and I give you the opportunity as a man to step up and

follow through. I don't want to be sitting here reminding you because then it's going to feel like I'm nagging you. So I'm going to wait a few months, see if you're actually putting forth the effort. And if you're not, then I'm going to bring it up again. Okay, but that is the definition of nagging. That's not, that's not, here's the difference between taking them on.

I'm not leaving this room until you engage with me. If I'm not more important than your beer and I'm not more important than your phone and I'm not more important than you have a little checklist, I played with the kids, I put two of them to bed, I changed a diaper, leave me alone. If I'm not more important to you than that, then I want you to be a grown man and tell me you've left this marriage.

On the other side, Megan, you can't cheat because you become somebody that you don't respect anymore. It's hard to request somebody else treat you differently than you know yourself to be inside. Right? Yeah. And you probably have, you probably spend money on the side or you have conversations on the side or you vent on the side.

It's all about you're starting to circumvent the life that you had. So he's quit his life. You're starting to go around it. Yeah, I can see that and the only path is through it and So yes when it comes back to an ultimatum, I think an ultimatum here is fair, but it's not about sex and The more you make it about Edie the more you make it about I tried Viagra didn't work lay off The more y'all are missing the point.

Here's the next path. Okay, you ready? And I say this all the time. I'm gonna keep saying it. Hey honey, I've got someone to come watch our four kids. I want you and me to go to breakfast tomorrow, or on Saturday. And I need you to be fully with me, no phones.

You're gonna bring a piece of paper or something. I need you to be fully with me, no phones. You can bring a piece of paper or something, I need you to be fully with me. Oh God, what are we talking? No, no, no, I just need you to be with me. And when you sit down, say, I've got the very clear message that you no longer wanna be married to me. And I also have the very clear,

and you can say from your, like, I have done these things and the story I'm telling myself is because I've done these things, you no longer want to be married with me. I need to know now, do you still want to be married? Because if you do, we got to build something completely new. And that means I need you fully engaged. And that means I need you to hear me say, I'm sorry that I have blown up my side of this marriage and done things that I never thought I would do.

Exhale. That means he's going to have to learn new skills. He's going to go off to have uncomfortable conversations with multiple doctors. He's going to have to be willing to be awkward with you in the bedroom and when it's not happening, be like, all right, it's my turn, batter up, right? He's gonna have to go through that shame and awkwardness

and you're gonna have to be willing to go, I'm ready to go, ah man, I thought it was gonna be wild intercourse night. It's not, we're gonna go to plan B and C and D, right? And you're all gonna work together. Yeah. Right? But all of that will be predicated on does he even want to be married to you and his behavior, his behavior is a language, is he is out. Have that conversation. I'm happy to talk to him and you call me back anytime and we'll get you back through and

put you back on the show. I want to know how that conversation goes. Okay? Go straight into the conversation. Thank you so, so much for the call. You're not broken. There's not something wrong with you. You've done dumb things, but there's not something wrong with you. Now it's, here we are. What are we going to do next? We've chosen misery. What if we chose to do something amazing next? Coming up, we have a woman who is wondering about the repercussions of her upcoming plastic surgery with her kids.

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B-O-N-C-H-A-R-G-E dot com slash deloney and use coupon code deloney to save 15%. Alright, we're back. Hey, take two seconds and hit the subscribe button if you're watching us on YouTube or the subscribe button if you're listening on podcast. Thank you so, so, so much. All right, let's go out to Rio Rancho, New Mexico. I love Rio Rancho, New Mexico and talk to Celine Dion. What's up, Celine? Hi, Dr. John. Thank you for taking my call. You got it. what's up? Okay, so from watching your show,

I feel like I've gotten more insight on how my parenting affects my girls. And it kind of brought forward this question, which is, will me getting plastic surgery, specifically me getting a nose job, negatively affect my two daughters. And if so, what are some things that I can do to kind of come to peace with that part of myself?

Wow. Celine, this is the first time somebody's asked this question on the show. That's a phenomenal question. Thank you. It's like really weighing on me. I know it is. I know it is. So I'm like fighting with two parts of myself. No, question. Thank you. It's like really weighing on me. I know it is. I know it is. So I'm like fighting with two parts of myself.

No, I totally got you. Like out of one corner of your mouth, you're telling your daughters, you're beautiful and you're strong and you could do anything and you're always enough no matter what. And then you look in the mirror and you hate what you see, huh? Like such a hypocrite, I feel like. No, I get it. I get it. It's tough, man.

It's tough. Super tough. Yeah, super tough. Yeah All right, so go all the way back. How long have you you want to get rhinoplasty? Good nose job? Yeah, okay How long have you been frustrated? Yeah, all the way back today Yeah, that it was brought to my attention Nothing those so I was 10 years old and I was laughing, we were family friends and the boy next to me, he was probably a few years older than me, and he was like, oh my gosh,

your nose is so big when you laugh. And I was like, what? Because I never knew that, I thought about that. And then I ran and I looked in the mirror and I was like, oh my gosh, it is. And I feel like that kind of realization kind of like morphed into this fixation and like obsession like from my

Sensen so it's like every time I like and getting ready and I look in the mirror I'm like in a picture with my beautiful family and like instead of looking at that and just like looking at my nose Or if I feel beautiful in all other ways, I just I'm looking at my nose and you know as I grew up I was just like oh like in high school in college like okay Well, once I get my job and stuff, I'll just have surgery because that's something that you can do now. And I can just save for it. And then, like you said, I started, you know, I had two girls who have really humbled me,

put me into place and kind of made me really take a hard look at myself. And I just feel like when I'm talking to them about themselves, I feel like, like I said, a hypocrite and like even sometimes they'll say things like my daughter, my, she's four, she'll be like, oh my gosh, she looks just like my mommy and be so happy about it. And it makes me so happy. But then I'm like, well, what if one day I just come back and change my whole face? Like, what does that tell her that like something's wrong with her face? Like she needs to change and she's so happy about like looking like me and stuff. What does, okay, this is a twofold question, okay?

Like this is ringing true to me in such an amazing way and in a powerful way. Okay, and I think I've been pretty open in the show about my body image issues for my whole life. And I love that you pointed it back to one interaction with a 10 year old. Cause I can pull my issues back to like three or four different conversations with random people that I would not take money advice.

I wouldn't take parenting advice. I don't even know where some of these people are. But their voice, man, they have a seat at my table when it comes to appearances, right? So tell me, tell me about what your husband says. Okay, so my husband, I feel like ever since up until recently, his opinion has been like, I never want to tell you what to do with your body. I want you to feel comfortable and I want you to love how you look.

And like I fell in love with your face, right? Like I love your face. I'm nervous to wake up to a face that's different. And I understand that this is something that you need to do to feel good. But I love your face and I don't want you to change your face. And then- I'm interested in this. Why does- and there's not really a right or wrong answer to this question, but I'm just

fascinated by it. When you're sitting in front of- do you have one of those sit-down? Like chairs that you put your makeup on or do you stand up in front of your mirror when you're looking at it in the morning? I stand okay, so imagine that ten-year-old boy next to you and An incredible husband and the father of your kids next to you Yeah Why does the ten-year year old's voice matter more or why is it more honest than your husband's and your guts?

I don't know. I feel like that voice has kind of become like my own. There you go. That's it. Yeah. That's it. The voices that we heard as kids from our parents, from friends, from knuckleheaded little 10 year olds, oh my gosh, you're fat.

Oh my gosh. You're so flat chested. Oh my gosh. You have zits. Oh my gosh. Like're so flat-chested. Oh my gosh. You have zits. Oh my god, like whatever the thing is Over time that becomes our voice Right, yeah So I'm gonna ask you a hard question, okay

It's gonna sound cruel, but this is me just kind of calling it out Be completely honest with me. Okay. Do you have a humongous nose? I feel like on a scale of like a small nose to humongous nose, like 10 being humongous, it's probably like a six and a half. Okay. But my thing is it grows forever, right? Like your nose, your ears, don't they like grow forever? I don't, I wanna say the last thing I read was that was kind of debunked, but I may be wrong. So I don't know, I don't know.

So you're telling me it's a little bit bigger than average. Right. How many people since that 10 year old? Or have you ever been like in college when you were leaning to kiss a guy? Did you like just jab him in the eye? No, no, I've not gotten to that point. Have you ever like been walking out a door and you turn to say something somebody in your nose just whams the side of the door?

No. Okay. So you're telling me like objectively I am one and a half points on our imaginary scale bigger than average? Yes. And my husband says my god I saw your face and I want to spend the rest of my life with that face. Yeah he does. And let's be honest, sometimes those voices don't matter. There's a voice inside of you. This says I'm not beautiful. Yeah.

So give me not two days after because you've probably seen those after surgery photos, like it looks like you got in a car wreck, right? So... I know, yeah. Wake up two months post surgery and you look in the mirror. Not what are you going to see? Because they're going to get it from a six down to a three. Maybe a four. So what are you gonna feel?

I mean I feel like I would probably feel the same. How old are you? I'm 28. Okay. So do you think this surgery will unwind 18 years of feeling less than or not feeling beautiful enough? Yeah, I don't think it will. What would?

I like talking to myself how I talk to my daughter. Did your mom talk to you like that? You know, my mom... Don't defend her. Now. Don't defend her. Don't protect her. Now.

Now, yes. I don't care now. You're all grown up now. I'm talking about nine-year-old you. Seven-year year old you. Seven year old you. No, I mean, my dad has some addiction issues and so I feel like my mom was a lot of the time just like in survival mode. Hold on.

You know. Hold on. They don't need to be defended by a seven year old. Yeah. Okay. Your dad struggles with addictions were not because he had an amazing, beautiful little daughter and your mom trying to survive was not on you. Mm-hmm. But my guess is somewhere along the way you got the message internally that something

in your home was wrong and it was because something was wrong inside of you. Did you and your dad ever come back together? Yeah, we tried. He's back in rehab now, which is good, but you know, it's just so no Yeah, so no Okay And here's what I'm here's I want to get to if you want to get rhinoplasty People get like people get braces people get breast augmentation. I mean we're in a world where you can kind of do whatever you want, right? Right. You can go to the doctor and just change everything about you. Okay? I'm not gonna sit here and judge that. I'm not. I'll

even say this. I got my teeth whitened so I'm in the same boat. Okay? It haunted me since I was a little kid. It haunted me since I was a little kid. I'm wearing a shirt that's a little bit too big because I'm at a weight right now that's about ten pounds higher than I've walked around with most of my adult life. Okay, so I'm playing cover-up too, okay? So there's no possible way I could sit here with any sort of integrity and be like no you're beautiful on the inside you should never I'm not gonna say that

all right you got to be able to look yourself in the mirror and feel good okay and I want you to be able to breathe right and on the other side of it, all the data you're giving me is some kids when they're in a house where their stroke, where parents struggles with addiction, when they're struggling with a parent that they've got to prop up emotionally, they go to smarts. I want everyone to think I'm smart. Some people go to beauty. I always want to be beautiful. Some people go to desire. I'll sleep with 40 people because I want you, I need you to tell me that I'm beautiful,

even if it's for an hour. Some people go to just covering up the whole thing with substances. Some people say I'm going to go do it with achievement and money. But for whatever reason, you pegged beauty and some 10 year old gave you a ticket that said there it is. And I don't know how this works, you know, with all the brain chemicals, but somehow your body connected. I'm guessing again, I'm guessing. Something's wrong with me. Because if something wasn't wrong with me, my dad would hug me. If something

wasn't wrong with me, my mom would stop and just hold my face and tell me, my God you're beautiful. And then this ten-year-old idiot says, God, you got a big nose. And you're like, Oh, that's it. Right. And it just, it just stamped in a GPS pin right in the middle of your chest and it just goes off forever. Does it matter that your ding bad husband can't keep his hands off you? Does it matter that your daughter thinks she's the most beautiful kid that ever lived because

she looks just like her mom? The data doesn't matter. It's just the emotions. I can't honestly tell you that I have seen any data on the childhood psychological impact of adult parent plastic surgery. I'm going to go look that up because it's a fascinating question. Okay? I think it's fascinating.

But anecdotally, I think you're, my gut tells me you're right. That it would be very strange for a daughter who keeps saying, look how much I look like my mommy and everywhere they go, she's like, oh my gosh, you look just like your mommy. You're just as beautiful as your mom is. And then mom says, yeah, there's something wrong with me. I can't imagine that a child would internalize that. I don't want to put that on you. I know that's heavy, but I can't imagine that there wouldn't be some sort of algorithm

cranking off in your four year old's mind to be like, oh, got it. Okay, well, so when I'm older, I'm going to do this too. I'm going to tell you, I don't want to tell you what to do. I don't want you to get up this phone and be like, if I ever do this, this has been my dream since I was a little girl. If I do this or something wrong with this, there's not. I think you're going to have some hard conversations with your daughters as they grow up about

what beauty is and all that kind of stuff. But also we live in a wild age, right? Yeah. I'm pretty sure in a few years, you'll be able to gene edit like exactly like everyone's going to just kind of come out looking like a supermodel, right? Because you'll be able to just AI. I don't know. I don't know if that's true or not.

But you will have to have some hard conversations and I trust that you can have those. I trust you're a great mom and I trust your husband loves you like crazy and you all can figure that out. I'm more concerned with you understanding that beauty will always come from the inside out. I'm so, so sorry your dad didn't tell you on a day to day basis how beautiful you are. I'm so sorry that your mom didn mom that makes sure her daughters know how beautiful they are every day.

Does your husband tell them that they're beautiful? Oh my gosh, yes. Good. Yes. Good. Yeah. Every day. Every day.

Yeah. And their eyes are going to roll out the back. Dude, I think my daughter's going to lose her eyes out the back of her head. She rolls them back so far But she's gonna hear from her dad every day Yeah, right. So I think I jumbled everything up and didn't give you a clear answer But the objective data you gave me is You're an amazing beautiful person

And you're an amazing, beautiful person. And you're an amazing, loved, beautiful woman. And there's a story on Loop that somehow says if this was just different, then everything from the past would be okay. And that means everything in the future will be okay. And that story is just not true. Yeah. Is that fair?

That's fair. You're a gangster, dude. Thank you so much. I tell you, thank you so much for the call. Man, this is a tricky one. This is a really, really tricky one, especially as there's just so, so much technology. So thank you, Celine, for letting me talk it out for the listeners. Thank you all for letting me just talk this one out in real time as I was experiencing it in real time. Man, it's a big one.

This is a big one and I love, love, love talking to parents who see themselves through the eyes of their kids and they start to say, wait a minute, I don't think this story I've been telling myself my whole life is true. And what kind of impact am I going to have in this family tree? You're amazing, Celine. Thank you so, so much. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. You've heard me say it a thousand times and I'm going to keep saying it. You're worth being well. And yes, therapy can help. Look, I see a therapist, and let's be honest, a lot of you should too. And taking that first step to see a therapist can feel overwhelming.

Maybe it's the time, maybe you have some preconceived notions about therapy, maybe it's the cost. And listen, we spend time and money on so many things. Going to the gym, gym memberships, organic groceries, some of you are essential oil people, we wear tracker watches. But listen, when it comes to our mental and emotional well-being, we hesitate. We hold back on the expense or on the time. Your mental and emotional health are just as important as your physical health and all these other things in your life. And the good news? BetterHelp makes therapy more affordable and convenient than ever. Since it's online, you can talk with your therapist when it works for your

schedule. No waiting rooms, no long commutes, and no six-month long waiting lists. You just get online and fill out a short survey and you get matched with a licensed therapist. And if it's not the right fit, you can switch at any time for no extra cost. Your wellbeing is worth it. Visit betterhelp.com slash deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P, dot com slash deloney. All right, we are back. Kelly, am I the problem? All right, before I read this, I really, really, really, really need some, am I the problems

and cool crap that happens. All right, cool. Before I read this, I really, really, really, really need some Am I the Problems and Cool Crap That Happens. All right, cool. So send those to johndeloney.com slash ask and in the top of the little box where you type your question put, Cool Crap That Happened, Am I the Problem. Please send them in. All right. This is from Nicole in Pennsylvania and she writes, I am 47 and my mom is in her late 70s and lives in another state. I am always the one who calls her she seldom ever calls me to see how I'm doing or to check in on the grandkids

It's always bothered me, but I just deal with it and call her anyways She's retired so she has plenty of time. Am I the problem or should I bring this up to her? Just call your mom. Just call your mom You can bring it up to her. You can start a whole thing and it's gonna be like well that just just call your mom. You can bring it up to her, you can start a whole thing and it's going to be like, well, then just call your mom. Cause I almost guarantee. Am I right? Yeah, but I almost guarantee because her mom's like, well, I don't want to bother her.

I know she's busy. You know, there's- Or my mother-in-law used to always call me and drive me crazy. Who knows what story your mom's telling? Just call your mom. If she says, I don't want to talk to you or she makes it very clear she doesn't want to be around you or your kids that's a whole other story. Let me put it this way, stop keeping score. Just stop keeping score. Like don't keep a secret tally mark of I've called you nine times she calls me two that's not fair just call your mom if you want to talk to your mom call

your mom and tell her if you ever want to, you call me sometime with a smile on your face. Okay, I don't wanna bother you. You're never bothering me, mom. Never, ever, ever, ever. You call me anytime. Come visit me anytime. You're never bothering me. We love it when you come.

Okay, just wanna make sure. All right, cool. But yes, just call your mom. Just call your mom, just call your mom, just call your mom. Sound good, Kelly? Perfect. Can I ask you a hard question? Sure. And you can just edit this out if you don't want to answer it.

Okay. I feel like those who have lost their mom, this becomes a much deeper, just freaking call your mom. Exactly. Having lost both parents and my dad when I was 21 and then my mom. Your mom passed away a year ago, right? Two and a half years ago. Two years ago, yeah.

Yeah. Call your mom. Call your mom. Yeah. Because my mom would have been that way of like, well, I don't want to bother you. I know you're busy with the kids. And I think, you know, you'll give me a call when you have time. That would have been, that a hundred percent would have been my mom.

Just call your mom. Call her. Call your mom. She, I guarantee you, she wants to hear from you. I'm getting close to having a son move out, and I can already see where I'll be like, well, he's probably busy, but it will brighten her day when she hears from you.

Call your mom. Just call your mom. That should be the name of the show, the Dr. John Delaney Show, colon, just call your mom. Just call your mom. Love you guys, stay in school, don't do drugs, be kind to one another, bye.