The Dr. John Delony Show - I Cheated on My Husband…Should I Tell Him?

Episode Date: December 20, 2021

In today’s episode, we tackle different types of trust issues—from a husband who didn’t make his wife his life insurance beneficiary, to helicopter parents, to a woman who doesn’t know if she should tell her husband she cheated. My husband didn't make me the beneficiary on his life insurance policy My 21-yo girlfriend's parents are super controlling in our relationship I cheated on my husband...should I tell him? Lyrics of the Day: "Today" - Smashing Pumpkins Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show. Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp DreamCloud Churchill Mortgage Resources: Questions for Humans Conversation Cards Redefining Anxiety Quick Read John’s Free Guided Meditation Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.

On today's show, we talk about hard conversations. We talk to a woman whose husband made their baby the beneficiary in the life insurance policy. We talk to a man who's dating a woman whose parents are way too involved. We talk to a woman who cheated on her husband and she wants to know how to tell him. Stay tuned. What's up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. How we doing?

Hope you're doing well. On this show, we talk about relationships and mental health, friends and family, and man. James, you got a look on your face. Did I screw up? No, we were just discussing the significance of the rat-a-tat-tat. Yeah, dude, it's old school. I just got to stop there. There's a band called Rat-a-tat. Really? Do they just play songs for mice? I don't know. Rat-a-tat-tat. Are they like a metal band?

I think they're like a German guitar drum kind of duo thing. I forget. They're good though. I like the White Stripes called Rat-A-Tat. I kind of support the name of that band. I like it. I like it. But hey, if you want to be on this show, not one of James' German metal band shows, you have to be so great if you had a German metal band show, like a whole life nobody knew about. Give us a shout, johndeloney.com slash ask, johndeloney.com slashash ask JohnDeloney.com Slash ask Or go to 1-844 Call

Don't go to Call 1-844-693-3291 I would love to have you on the show And we are close to the holidays December This show comes out late December, right? Yeah So either

You've already done all of your shopping or you're going to be staring at your kids on Christmas Eve and be like, Santa hosed us. Santa did not show up, which is a great, if you're on the fence about whether you should tell your kids about Santa, this may be the year just because you didn't go shopping. But speaking of that, I often, not often, I always tell people, don't lie to your kids. Don't lie to your kids. Don't lie to your kids. Don't lie to your kids.

And the most common question I get when I say don't lie to your kids is, well, what about Santa Claus? So tomorrow, Kelly, let me know. We have a call coming in tomorrow, and there's a split family over this issue, and we're going to dig into it. So make sure you circle back to the show when the next one that releases, but we'll be talking about it. But we are in the holiday season. Hey, Kelly,

have you done all your shopping? Not yet, but I've started. Yeah? And you bought a house. Congratulations. Thank you. Yes, we did. We closed last week

and we move in next week. The success of this show launched to push you over the edge, right? Like you were middling along doing that other show and then this one came along and blammo. Right, it just sent us into a completely new financial bracket. Man, as most podcasts do, as most podcasts do. Oh man, so good. Let's just stop right there. Let's go to Liz in Charlotte, North Carolina. What's up, Liz?

How are we? Hey, Dr. John. I'm blessed to be stressed. How are you? You're blessed to be stressed. That is maybe one of the worst best rhymes of ever, ever. You should be a rapper. Rat-a-tat-tat.

So what's up? So my husband of three and a half years. Wait, wait, time out, time out, time out. I just got that. I'm blessed to be stressed. That means you have like a job and you've got kids and stuff, so things are good. Okay, I got it.

I'm blessed to be stressed. I like it. Do you have that on a pillow somewhere in your house? So I have it on my computer printed off of a label maker. Of course you do. Good. Awesome. One of the teachers I had in high school had it on her computer, and it's just been something that always resonated with me.

I love it. I think you should get it tattooed on your wrist. I think that's where the cool kids get tattoos these days. All right, so now we're back. So what's up? Your husband and you, and then what? So my husband of three and a half years

brought to my attention recently that I am not the beneficiary on his life insurance policy. What? I don't think that he's gonna die tomorrow. He might if he doesn't put you as the bit of a wife. Who did he, please God tell me

he put like an old girlfriend. Please, please, please, please. Why? Our two year old daughter is the sole on the policy. Why? I don't know. That's one of the reasons why I'm calling, I guess, to try and

figure out and have a discussion with him. So when he told you this, what did you say? I kind of thought he was joking. And then he went on to be like, oh, you know, I'm putting it in. If anything happens to me, it'll go on an escrow account. She won't be able to touch it until she's 18. And then it kind of just got my brain circling and thinking like, again, no, I don't think you're going to die tomorrow, but we have a house. He might. Yeah.

Right. I mean, yeah. Two big red flags for me. Can I tell you the biggest red flag is not the one you think. The biggest red flag is y'all been together three and a half years. How long did y'all date before that? So, about two and a half. Okay.

I've known him for about 12. Six years. Y'all known him for about 12. Six years. Y'all have been lovers 12 years. So he tells you this. Something in you didn't immediately start causing a ruckus. Why did you stay quiet when he said that? That is the worst possible financial decision he could make unless he doesn't trust you,

he's planning on leaving you, doesn't want to have to deal with a lawyer later. He's just going to leave his life insurance money for 18 years if he dies tomorrow, and then you just got to raise this kid with no money. That makes no sense, but before that, why didn't you say anything?

I think that's kind of just been the whole summary of our relationship. Again, I kind of thought he was joking. He had mentioned before we got married, his brother, his stingy brother, was going to be in charge. And then we got married and had a child, but this is not our only child. I have a daughter from a previous relationship that he adopted after we got married. Okay.

It was eight and a half. Does he not want that kid to have the money? I think it's the first part of your sentence. He doesn't want that kid. But he adopted that kid, so that ship's sale. I know. There's other issues. I'm telling you.

Yeah. I, for sure, there's other issues. Hey, I don't mean to be. Oh, man. Hey, I don't mean to be... Oh, man. No, please be, because we've seen a marriage counselor. Your marriage is in big, big trouble, is what I'll tell you.

Big trouble. 100% agree with you. Okay. Big trouble. And he's either having conversations about you and his situation with other people, and that's where he got this advice. He is creating hell in his home by adopting another child,

marrying somebody who had another kid, but trying to cut that kid out of his life, which is just going to wreak havoc on your family, on your biological kid, on this adopted kid, on your marriage. I mean, what a mess. And then there's a hard thing to have a conversation about. And this doesn't even sound like a hard conversation to me, but there being a hard conversation um you can't have it what's at the root of this thing uh we I guess everything in

our in our life and our relationship has been uh a hundred miles per hour since we began our relationship. He was in one before for about seven years. I was previously married and we haven't slowed down, pumped the brakes the entire time. How'd y'all get together? So we met in college about 12 years ago, 11 and a half, 12 years ago. He was in a previous relationship. I was in a relationship. I ended up getting married, ended up having a child, ended up getting separated due to infidelity and divorce. On your part?

On your part or his part? On his part, yes. And so when my husband and I, we kind of rekindled through social media, lived in the same town, basically growing up. And then we, I was an adult then, but I was always taught that, like, with divorce, my parents have been married for about 35 years now. But if it's not broke, you fix it. You don't throw it away. But after three different times of instability from my first husband, I just couldn't deal with it anymore. And so we got divorced. And, again, I rekindled with my now husband.

Is he cheating on you now? My husband? Yeah. I really hope not. You know the answer to that question it's a yes or no no no okay um here's here's the deal so to answer your original question yes the only thing that makes any rational sense whatsoever is that you are the sole beneficiary, and then your two kids are your mutual beneficiaries. And if you have a life insurance policy, which you should, even if it's a small one, he should be your sole beneficiary. And there shouldn't be any discussion about taking care of these children and I think

my wife and I set up a trust so it goes into the trust so if we buy things whatever it all goes into there and it gets distributed a certain amount but even the folks that we have

that if my wife and I were to die our kids would go to a couple they have full access to that money and here's why. I wouldn't have picked them if I didn't trust them to take my children. And a lot of people will put more emphasis on what's the deal with the money than they do with who gets their children. But I trust them. And so they may need to build another house. They may need to move. They may need to get another car. They may need to do whatever. And I trust them. Now, I'm going to have money for my kid's college and all that.

But yeah, this signal's a mess. This signal's somebody who's either about to get out of a relationship. This signal's somebody who doesn't like the current relationship that they're in and is trying to pick and choose parts of it. But it's a bigger signal that y'all are not on the same page. And you got to get on the same page. You said y'all been running and gunning and running and running and running for seven years. Y'all just going to run off the edge of a cliff if you're not careful.

How do you get that back? How do you stop and just say, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, we need to talk? We've seen a marriage coach for a little over almost a year now. And in a year, y'all have not received any coaching on how to get on skills, on how to stop in the middle of a hard conversation and be vulnerable with one another. That means your marriage therapist is terrible. If y'all been seeing them for a year and you don't have any tools or the courage or the strength or any of the insights into having a hard conversation, terrible.

Do you think? No, it is. Again, I thought he was joking. But then I'm, you know, rethinking it over and over again. And I'm like, well, if something does happen to him, like, I'm going to have to move. Not only am I going to be grieving my dead husband, but I'm going to have to move our two children because we would have to sell the home if I'm not on this policy. And I did bring it back up to him. And he was like, you know,, well there's ways to get around

Her being the only person on there No, yeah, there's one You write it down Oh my gosh Yeah, so Y'all need to have this conversation ASAP And I If you need to go back and see a marriage coach

There's something you hear. Are you safe? Are you in an abusive relationship? Mentally, more than physically, definitely not physically, but mentally, he's definitely said some things that have shot daggers to the heart, and he doesn't understand. He thinks that it's all okay, that he can just apologize, and it'd be fine the next day, but then these things keep

being brought back up. Give me an example of one. I didn't marry you because I loved you. I married you so that we could adopt child's name. And I didn't hear this until the adoption was final in July of 2018. And I didn't hear this until our, about a year ago. So does your husband? He was the one who brought up the divorce. I've never brought that up until about the 10th time when I was like, you know what? I can't take this.

Like, how many times are you going to say it before it actually becomes real? You mean that he wants to get a divorce? Correct. Yeah. Going back to the very first thing, without knowing that, his actions told me that he's got a foot out of this deal. That just doesn't make any sense

at all. At all. And by the way, you want to ruin your child's life, give all of your money to one sibling and not the other. Killer. Great idea. Unbelievable. Yeah. So y'all, yeah. This is a lot, Liz. And so here's, I'm going to tell you. I'm just going to rattle off three things off top of my head, okay? Have you seen somebody on your own? Yes. How's that going? It was our same counselor, and it was due to, he kind of gave me an ultimatum

if I didn't see somebody by myself by that date. Are you stable? Are you okay? Am I okay? Uh-huh. Like what? Why would he give you that ultimatum? Because he's not a nice person.

Why do you think so little of yourself, Liz? Who told you this is what your life was worth? He did. No, before him. Somebody told you before him. Probably my ex who cheated on me multiple times. Okay. I want you to go see a different somebody.

Somebody who's going to pour into you and walk alongside you. Not just doing stuff as you kind of work, not as kind of, as you work towards healing. You got two little ones that are watching everything. And you look at yourself in the mirror a few times every day. And you're just simply worth more than this. I see it. Every listener on this call is going to hear it. Everybody watching this is going to see it.

And you don't see it. And you're worth more than this. And so the first thing I want you to just go work on your healing. You got to go talk to somebody and say I need to heal and i've been Emotionally beat up by a couple of men And I deserve more than this. I don't even know where to start The second thing is

is you need to Write this stuff down for you get out of your head and get on a piece of paper These things that make you feel not safe. And if my husband's got secret money accounts, if he is giving life insurance money to our baby and not to me, there are some major trust issues. I wouldn't feel safe in that situation. And I know, I know, I know there's other stuff going on here. There's the things he says to you. Like, I don't even love you. I don't even know why we're married except for this kid. Whatever it happens to be. I want you to write this stuff down. I don't even know why we're married except for this kid. Whatever it happens to be.

I want you to write this stuff down. And third, you got to have a hard conversation. Not in the fight, but don't set it up that way, but you got to go somewhere and be on top of it and be direct and say,

your comment about or your decision to put all the money in the hands of an 18-month-old or a two-year-old broke me. It's about enough. And you tell me you didn't marry because you love me. You tell me you're going to divorce me, divorce me, divorce me, divorce me.

Yet, you're willing to leave me destitute if you pass away. Leave me and our other child destitute, or all three of us. You've got to say all that stuff out loud. Then you'll have to decide if this marriage is worth going forward or not. Because right now, it's not. Right now, it's a mess. And I want you all to stay married, but you're going to have to lean into this. And I want you to walk with a professional, because something tells me you're not telling me the full story,

and something tells me that you're really struggling right now. Okay? We're with you, Liz. Go see somebody. Make that call today. This is the morning, so you've got all day to make that call. And not the one you've been seeing. Make a new call today. Be right back on the Dr. John Delaney Show. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. All right, October is the season for wearing costumes and masks. And if you haven't started planning your costume yet, get on it.

I'm pretty sure I'm going as Brad Pitt in Fight Club era because, I mean, we pretty much have the same upper body, but whatever. All right, look, it's costume season. And let's be honest, a lot of us hide our true selves behind costumes and masks more often than we want to. We do this at work.

We do this in social setting. We do this around our families. We even do this with ourselves. I have been there multiple times in my life and it's the worst. If you feel like you're stuck hiding your true self, I want you to consider talking with a therapist. Therapy is a place where you can learn to accept all the parts of yourself, where you can learn to be honest with yourself and you can take off the mask and the costumes and learn to live an honest, authentic, direct life.

Costumes and masks should be for Halloween parties, not for our emotions and our true selves. If you're considering therapy, I want you to call my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy. You can talk with your therapist anywhere so it's convenient for your schedule. You just fill out a short online survey and you get matched with a licensed therapist. Plus, you can switch therapists at any time for no additional cost. Take off the costumes and take off the masks with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's betterHelp, H-E-L-P.com slash DELONI. All right, we are back.

Man, that one's still stuck in my soul a little bit. Oh, man. All right, let's go to Michael in Shreveport. What's up, Michael? Hey, Dr. John, how are you? I'm all right, man. What's going on? So I have a question.

So how do I bring out more confidence and comfort from my girlfriend's parents who seem to be a little overprotective and a bit controlling? Like, is there something I can do or is it just going to take time? I'm going to go just a little bit into my situation. I don't want to take up too much time explaining everything. But both of us are 21 years old. We've been together for about six months, very strong relationship. She's a phenomenal person all around. And the parents are a little involved in the relationship. What's that mean? I'm sorry?

What does that mean, that they're kind of involved? So she tells them everything we do, everything we talk about. Sometimes when we go out to, say, dinner or something, they'll come along. They're phenomenal people, very respectable, very hardworking, loving. But sometimes they get a little restrictive on the time we spend outside of, say, school. We spend a lot of time on campus and all. Is there just something I can do to gain a relationship with her parents without ruining the family dynamic? Like, how can I get more trust out of them to where they'll allow her to spend more time with me? Oh, man.

It's a great question, dude. There's a lot going on here. They sound pretty enmeshed for having a 21-year-old. Right, I agree. Now, it's not weird that they go out to dinner with you and all that kind of stuff, but it's weird that they're I don't know

my parents didn't have that level of control over my time when I was 21 or 20 or 19. Yeah, and it turns out it's not just me. There are times when she'll tell me, they won't even let her spend time with her best friend. Does she live at home?

Yes, she does. Okay, so here's the thing. You're dating a child. Okay. And I want you to think of it that way She has been alive 21 years old I mean 21 years But she's a child And she's Acting like one

And she's being treated like one And so You feel like this is a grown up relationship Because of your age And it's not And so if you're okay dating a high school kid And then you're going to live's not. And so if you're okay dating a high school kid, and then you're going to live by those rules and so be it.

She's going to have to decide. This has nothing to do with her parents. That's just the dynamic they've set up. She's going to have to decide I'm a grownup and I want to spend time with who I want to spend time with. And I'm going to begin to develop boundaries between me and my parents. And that might mean I got to get my own place and pay my own rent. That might mean I got to get my own place and pay my own rent. That might mean I got to get my own place, pay my own rent,

and then I'm going to have to pay tuition because my parents are immature and they're going to cut me off. Or they may have been trying to kick her out for years and she's whatever. You know what I mean? So this issue is less with their parents and more with her. What is it about her that is worth having a high school dating relationship again? We've just been knowing each other for a long time

and I've just been praying for years for somebody to enter my life and I feel a great connection with her. We get along extremely well. We talk every day. It's just overall a great relationship with a great person. And she's just so worth keeping and fighting for in my mind. Okay. I'm going to strongly recommend you don't go to war with her parents. You'll lose. Oh, yeah. Everybody loses. I do not want to ruin the family dynamics, and that's why I'm, you know.

Well, you don't have that power, quite honestly. Right. You're not strong enough to ruin this family dynamic. I can see y'all getting married, and then in five years, when her mom is still in the middle of y'all's life, and you have one kid and another one on the way that you snap and say this is our house not their house this is our marriage our sexuality our parenting our life not theirs and that's what you're going to be dealing with in two years and five years and 10 years and 20 years if y'all don't have boundary discussions now right and i'll tell you this man

i got a lot of a lot a lot of great great great friends great friends men and women i couldn't marry them you know what i mean and they bring a lot of really wonderful things to my life but we're not married and what i'm telling you is you're in for a long haul with this relationship. Oh, I kind of went in knowing that, but, um, you know, I, I just, you know, in my mind, it's just worth it for her. Cause what, here's what they're doing just so they are not, they are still parenting her as though she's a child. Yes. And so they have autonomy over her time and her space and her physical presence.

Probably what she says, inviting themselves to think, do they pay for a lot of stuff? You're talking about her parents, right? Uh-huh. Are you talking about her life or when we go out and do something? Both, both. To be honest, she does pay her own bills. Under her house, she does pay her insurance, and she has a loan for college and all she pays for herself in fact she has a job and she runs her own business out of her house um and when we go out

do stuff you know i always take care of myself and her okay so when you have you asked her about her enmeshment have you said hey it seems weird that you're 21 and your parents are still restricting your time like this. I haven't brought that up, but she has said, you know, every now and then when we talk, she has said, you know, this has been in the back of my mind. I kind of want to find a higher paying job and move out. But at the same time, you know, she's almost done with college and she's about to go to culinary school and she plans on staying at home for culinary school. Okay. So here's an important part of relationships. Anyone like this that you see any kind of future with is no secrets.

Tell the truth. The good stuff and the tough stuff. Now, you can weaponize this. You can weaponize truth. And what I mean by that is instead of saying, um, when somebody asks you, Hey, do I look good in this? Be like, that's not my favorite shirt. Or you wore something last week. That was great. That's different than, Oh my gosh, you look like a beached whale. I mean, you can say, you can be abusive with truth, right? Right. But you can also be honest.

This is a moment for your young relationship to young people in a young relationship where you can be honest. Right. And say, man, your parents are around a lot. I would love to see us move into a situation where they have less control over us, over me, over you? What would it look like for you to get your own place when you're in culinary school? And what would that look like for us to not bring them on dates with us anymore? Whatever

that looks like, you know what I mean? It can be any number of things, but you need to have that conversation because it's weighing on you. And I'd tell you to have this conversation about any number of other things. The other six months in. And if this one conversation, here's this really important, okay? So hear me closely, Michael. If you are nervous to have this one conversation

because you're afraid it might hurt the relationship, it might end the relationship, I'm gonna tell you this relationship ends at some point. It ends more catastrophically than it would now. If you already aren't having hard conversations, aren't telling the truth, or holding a little bit of secrets here and a little bit of secrets there, or you're frustrated and you clench your fist and you're not saying it six months in, that does not bode well for the future of this thing. And she may be giving you little

hints of, hey, man, this is really hard for me. And she wants you to bring it up, but she doesn't know. Be honest, be honest. And what I'll tell you is it's worth you being honest, not having secrets, telling her how you really feel in a respectable, dignified way. And seeing if the relationship is strong enough to hold that truth. Then finding it out 10 years down the road that it's not. Or seven years down the road or three years down the road, whenever it is. So yes, I think you should sit down and have that conversation. There's not a lot you can do with her parents other than to keep showing up and treating their daughter with dignity and respect.

Be a person of integrity. Work really hard. But, man, there's nothing worse than some guy that's trying to all butt kiss his girlfriend's parent. It's just gross. Just be you, man. Be totally 100% you. Be a person of character. Work really hard.

Give them the impression that you're somebody worth spending time with their daughter. The conversations between her daughter and her parents, your girlfriend and her parents, because she's got to grow up. We'll be right back on the Dr. John Deloney Show. It seems like everybody's talking about how crazy the housing market is right now and how powerless homebuyers feel. Mix that with the stress of moving and life change and job change, and you've got a tornado of anxiety fueling one of the biggest purchases you'll ever make. This is not a good idea.

So if you're a new home buyer right now, my advice to you is to focus on what you can control, like the people you choose to help you in the home buying process. You need folks like my friends at Churchill Mortgage. Churchill is a Ramsey trusted provider that's been helping people with their home mortgages for decades. And their home buyer edge program will help you skip a bunch of the stress. Here's how it works. Apply to become a Churchill certified home buyer and cap your interest rate for 90 days. Then you'll get a $5,000 seller guarantee to help your offer stand out.

So go ahead, take a deep breath because Churchill has your back. Check them out at churchillemortgage.com slash D'Loni and get the home buyer edge today. All right, let's take Una Mas. Let's go to Natalie in Atlanta, Georgia. What's up, Natalie? How are we doing?

Hi, I'm pretty good. How are you? Good. I love pretty good. What's the not pretty part? I can't wait. Well, it's unfortunate, actually. So I'm a little nervous just because I haven't told anyone,

and it's like now I tell the world. So this is just great. Okay, before you say this, why did you pick this forum to do this? Because I need advice from a trustworthy source other than Google, and I listen to your show, and Google is not a good place, I've found. It's a dark, sad place, yes. Yeah, a lot of strange information, but this show has been helpful to me

and it's a trustworthy source, so I came here to get some advice. I appreciate that. I'll do the best I can. You'll get what you pay for. How about that? Okay, great. So I have made a horrible mistake.

And about two months ago, I found myself in an unhealthy relationship. What does that mean? With someone at the gym. Wait, back out. Are you married? Are you married? Yes, I am married. That's the key. How long? That's the key problem. We have been married for about five years.

Any kids? About five years. Two children, two and four. Okay. Um, so I wanted to do a fitness competition and I found myself at the gym a lot and there was a guy there, trainer, and basically started, you know, helping me out with some workouts. We started talking and it went too far. Um, what does that mean? Um, well, he started talking to me, we met for coffee and then the part, we actually ended up sleeping together. Yes. Which is the part that my husband doesn't know. He knows everything except for that because immediately I just feared risking,

like I was scared of losing everyone and I was so stupid and I was like, just scared. So I immediately lied and blocked him from everything. I have not communicated with him since then and over two months, but now I'm like, well, great. When it was all horrible, I lied. And now I don't know if I should rehash this because things have been going really well. And like we've really surrounded ourselves with a great community and church family and counseling. And I have lied so hard about this one thing. Yeah. Among every single person because in my head I was like, I'll just never ever bring this up. And now I'm like, to move forward, I need to know whether or not I should tell him.

The fact that you're calling tells me that you know the answer to this. Well, Google said otherwise. I was like, well, maybe I can get out of this. Maybe that's not a good idea. So you, number one, bravery. Bravery. Thank you for saying this out loud. Go back in when you listen to this call,

your voice changes after you say it out loud. Okay. Take a big, deep breath and then drop your shoulders all the way down. So in your gut, what do you think you should do? I probably need to tell him. No, probably. Like what do you need to do?

I feel like I need to tell him because I feel like if I don't, it's just going to be preventing us, I guess, from truly living honestly. Yeah. Will this end everything? I don't know if it will. I don't think it will. I just think it's going to make it harder. I don't think it will. I just think it's going to make it harder. I don't know what it'll do. I mean, he's definitely forgiving and really understanding.

But I mean, y'all have been in counseling and you've talked about this. We've talked about everything and I've just totally denied doing anything more than just communication, meeting him, all that. So, I am just, I meeting him, all that. Okay.

So I am just, I'm like, oh my goodness. And y'all just hooked up one time? Yes. It was the hookup and then done. And everything kind of hit the fan. Like as in he found out about us communicating and, and it was like almost like a rescue for me because it was just not going to go well from there.

Yeah. Um, but when everything's starting to look better, I just hate having to rehash all this. Yeah. That's why I've tried to find a way out, I guess. What does your counselor tell you? Um, well I've actually, we have never met one-on-one, but we're doing it through our church and it's a couples counseling. And so I still haven't even been honest with the counselor because I would have to say it in front of both of them.

And I'm like, I don't know if he low-key knows or something, but because I don't know, but he hasn't really told me anything about it because no one knows. So here's what I'll tell you. Your husband knows. Okay. And he doesn't, he might not know that y'all slept together. He might not know that y'all did anything above what you told him.

But he knows there's a gap between the two of you. Yes. And he's going to counseling. He's doing what he thinks he's supposed to be doing. And that gap is getting wider because as he leans in, there's a part of you that leans out because you know.

Is that right? Yep, that would be accurate. And so what I'll tell you is beyond the right thing and the integrity thing and all that stuff, you're torturing a man that you love. Mm-hmm. And he doesn't even know it. Mm-hmm. Now, I sound like I'm talking on both sides of my mouth. I said he knows, but then he doesn't even know it.

He knows there's a gap there, and he doesn't know what it is. Right. Right. I see that. And in some ways, it feels better, because he's trying to do everything he can to jump over that thing. And you are, too. There's a part of you that's trying, too.

And there's a part of you that's anchored to still chain to that other thing. Right. Right. Right. So here's what I'll tell you. I'll tell you, you screwed up and you know that. The season of life y'all are in with a two-year-old and a four-year-old

is hard, and you're not the only one that's ever done that, okay? I'm not trying to make it right. I'm trying to say you're not the only one that's ever done that. Okay? I'm not trying to make it right. I'm trying to say you're not alone. Right. And you screwed up. And the measure now is what's next. That's what you can control.

Yeah. Okay. So you called me knowing what I'm going to say anyway, right? Yeah, I kind of, I did. Um, and if,

if you need me to be the person in your life that tells you that, I think, I think your husband's worth being honest to. I think you're being, you're worth not walking around your life, um, dragging a load of bricks around with you. Okay.

And I think you need to be very aware that this may end everything. Yeah. He may say, I'm out. Right. Because you did this and because I can't trust you and because fill in the blank. Or he may need some space and some time

and all those things. Okay. It'll be hard. But what I know is that relationships can't survive big secrets. Okay. And I know there's all stories on the internets and all that kind of stuff. Yeah. That talk about, I didn't say anything for 90 years.

It was the best decision I ever made. Whatever. Great. Cool. Yeah. You found those, right? Yeah. Hoping they would be the right ones. And I was like, oh, thank, cool. You found those, right? Yeah. Hoping they would be the right ones.

And I was like, oh, thank goodness. I never have to bring this up. And then it just ate me, ate at me. It's what I really need to do. Yeah. So role play this with me real quick. How does it work? That's my next question.

Like, I don't know, because there's never a good time like the kids are sick okay now he's has an important test or now it's Thanksgiving and like I don't you know I just

I'm like I don't know what to do or when or how yeah to bring it up um what is what does Thanksgiving look like for you guys? we would go to his family's house

just it's like his family reunion so we would just go there for the day oh wow yeah that would be intense but part of me I don't think the news will be so shocking i mean it will be shocking but he won't be like i never saw this coming because i when you said that he probably

kind of has an idea already because of the distance or you know i feel like he'll be like okay not shocked like he was the first time he even found any of this out. He'll be shocked. Yeah. Because you've probably done a really damn good job of convincing him that nothing else happened. Yeah, that's very true. Yeah. So he's going to be shocked.

He's probably going to be shocked as much by your dishonesty as by what happened. Yeah, definitely. I'm thinking in my head right now whether you had this conversation before or after. Right. Part of me thinks the right thing to do

is to not go pretend with all of his family. Yeah. And to get a babysitter for the kids and And to get a babysitter for the kids and have a conversation with them over the next couple of days. Now, we're filming this show the week of Thanksgiving, and so it won't come out until December, but we're filming it now. And so the other part of me says, what's another three days?

What do you think? Right. I think I just am ready to get it done. Yeah. Because I just, the thought of even continuing on is really hard. I don't want to ruin Thanksgiving, but also, or make that a bad memory. So what I tell you this is gonna i'm gonna sound harsh okay but just know what i'm saying you've already ruined thanksgiving okay um okay and so now it's a matter of um thanksgiving will be a hard season for you y'all as a couple for the next several years okay And gyms will be a hard conversation for y'all as a couple for the next however long. You know what I mean?

That's in stone. That's there. Yeah. Yeah. I'm glad to hear you say that. My gut tells me is you get a babysitter today for the kids. Okay. And I'm going to tell you what I would do off the top of my head.

Okay. Okay. I would have a place to stay for me. Okay. And I would have this conversation in a private place. If you think for a second, it's going to go, I mean, it sounds like he's a safe guy. He's not going to. He's definitely not.

Okay. These conversations are often great with a counselor, with somebody else there. Okay. If you have a mentor couple that knows, you want to let them know that this is happening and they can be there with you. Or if you have full trust, and my wife would want me to have this conversation

with her in person. Right. Because then she could kill me and no one would ever, ever find the body. Right. Right. But every couple's different. Okay.

Um, but you need to get your kids out of the home and then have a place to go and you can offer it. I've got a hotel that I've put a deposit on and I'm willing to go if you want me to go spend the night somewhere else. Right. And he may say, no,

I don't want that, whatever. But I think that's a fair statement. Just you may need a night to cool off. Yeah. Okay. And know that he may say, I don't want you coming around my family during Thanksgiving, our family during Thanksgiving. Or maybe we're going to do Thanksgiving or none of us are going. Everything gets sideways.

And that's where you need to be pretty loose, hold everything pretty loose and be accommodating because you're going to blow his world up. Yep. For a second time, right? Mm-hmm. Yes. If you could go back and do this over again,

would you do it different? What would you do different? I would have told him the first time he found out about everything, for sure. Let's back up before that. Well, I would not be talking to somebody like I wasn't married. Yeah. Or not, how do I say it?

Like presenting myself as single or maybe I just wasn't fully committed to my marriage or something. Gotcha. Like, it was out of control. Yeah. So here we are,

right? Yep. So do me a favor, Natalie. I want you to let me know how the conversation goes. Okay? Okay. And I'll also tell you one piece of advice I learned from a crisis responder that works here too.

Facts are your friends. Don't beat around the bush. Be very direct and be very short-winded. Okay. Okay? Got it. I've been lying to you for the last two months. I did sleep with this guy and I couldn't lie to you anymore.

You're worth more than that and I love you and I realized I screwed up and I had to say it period and that's where the conversation stops okay okay

not a long drawn out story of of yeah but a be direct and be incredibly honest

and and then go from there okay okay I will let me know how that goes and then go from there, okay? Okay, I will. Let me know how that goes. I will. And we'll be thinking about you, okay? Okay, thank you.

Thank you so much. All right. Whew. Man. Whoa. All right. So we got a follow-up here. Seem to do jumping jacks or something for a second.

There's a couple of heavy calls on the show. Man. Here's a follow-up email from Andrew. Andrew, the original call aired on August 18th, 2021. And it was episode 151. And here's what Andrew writes. He just sent in an email. He said, hey, talked to Dr. D a few months ago.

I'm a recovering alcoholic. And he mentioned calling him back to see how his advice worked regarding making things right with my wife. Included doing a gratitude list together, skin-on-skin contact, prolonged eye contact without talking. It's been longer than the 30 days he's set, but I'm still doing it. And it's not only brought me and my wife closer, but it's completely changed my life in other areas as well. Thanks. Thanks for that follow-up, Andrew. We often over-sensationalize or over-dramatize or over, I need to get meds for this. I got to do nine years of counseling for this. And sometimes it's as simple as making a dedicated promise to your partner. I'm going to hold your hands for 30 seconds in the morning. I'm going to hold your hands for 30 seconds in the evening. And I'm

not going to say a word. I'm just going to look in your eyes. And I'm going to breathe. I'm going to drop my shoulders down. And we're going to do that every day for 30 days. Any and every married couple, dating couple, I don't care who you are, dating, talking, I don't know. Do it with your boss. If it's not super, that'd be super weird. Don't do it with your boss.

Try it. Just try it. You want to go up a notch? have a gratitude journal of your own, but have one with your partner that stays on your bed. Just have it there on the bed and y'all do it at nighttime. What's five things you're grateful for? One of you write it down. Do that together for 30 days. You want to see your marriage transform? It transforms. And sometimes it transforms because on day seven or eight, you have a real uncomfortable conversation. Or one of you didn't want to do it.

The other person says, no, we said we're going to do it. And it turns into a little spat. And then it turns into a honest conversation about control and what are we doing and why are we doing it? Do it for 30 days. Thank you so much, Andrew. Yeah. Thank you so much, Andrew. Thank you so much, Andrew. Thank you so much, Andrew. I needed that one at the end of the day. All right, as we wrap up today's show, we're going to do something a little bit different for the song of the day.

I asked James, hey, man. I actually asked Kyle, one of the engineers, what's the song of the day? And James whispered to him, you should probably do this song. So I'm going to do a little bit of a switcheroo. It's the worst song of all time. Ever. That was his idea, not mine. Ever.

Ever. It's called Today by Smashing Pumpkins, and it goes like this. Just listen. Today is the greatest day I've ever known. Can't live for tomorrow. Tomorrow's much too long. I'll burn my eyes out before I get out.

YOLO. I wanted more than life could ever grant me. Bored by the chore of saving face. Today is the greatest day I've ever known. I can't wait for tomorrow. I might not have that long. YOLO. I'll tear my heart out before I get out.

Pink ribbon scars that never forget. I tried so hard to cleanse these regrets. My angel wings were bruised and restrained. My belly stings. But today is the greatest day I've ever known. It's the worst. It's the worst. I was expecting the Billy Corgan voice too.

I don't even want to hate on that one. I can't do that to myself, not after this show. See you soon on the Dr. John Delaney Show.