The Dr. John Delony Show - I Discovered My Husband’s Secret in Vegas

Episode Date: July 16, 2025

On today’s episode, we hear about: A wife who just discovered her husband has a gambling problem A woman trying to repair her marriage after dropping an emotional bomb A young man wondering how to talk to his friend about excessive drinking   Next Steps: 🏦 Pull your annual credit report for free. 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test  📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future  ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards  💭 John's Free Guided Meditation  🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch Connect With Our Sponsors: Need to talk to someone? BetterHelp is virtual therapy when it’s convenient for you. Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. These are BEST sheets and towels in the world. Get up to 40% off with code DELONY at Cozy Earth.   Getting lots of spam calls? DeleteMe can clean up your online presence for you. Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe.  Find peace every day. Hallow is the simplest way to slow down and get your head right for the day. Go to Hallow for a 90-day free trial.  I have Helix Midnight mattresses in EVERY bedroom in my house. Get 20% off when you visit Helix Sleep and take the sleep quiz to see what you need!  Get the exact same green and red powder that I take every day. Get 20% off with code DELONY at Organifi.   I took Thorne supplements way before I worked at Ramsey. Stoked that we can work together now! Get 25% off for LIFE at Thorne. Need a training plan? Accountability? Coaching? Trainwell has you covered. Go to Trainwell to get started! Explore More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights   🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💡 The Rachel Cruze Show 💰 George Kamel 🪑 Front Row Seat with Ken Coleman 📈 EntreLeadership   Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

I then got into the bank account and did some digging and discovered that he had gone to the casino 17 times in the previous month. He had spent almost $3,000 at the casino. By the end of the day, I want every single credit report pulled on everybody. Okay. You don't fully know how bad this is. What's up? What's up?

This is John with the Dr. John Deloney show coming to you from Nashville, Tennessee. Taking your calls on your marriage, your kids, your mental and emotional health, whatever you got going on in your life. Go to johndeloney.com slash ask ASK and fill out the form and we will get you loaded in. And I'd love to have you on the show. Real people are going through really tough challenges. All right, Chicago, Illinois, let's talk to Elise.

What's up, Elise? Hi there, how's it going? I'm doing all right, how about you? I'm doing pretty good. What's up? So my question is how to kind of support and navigate a spouse that has a gambling problem. Oh gosh, what a nightmare.

I know, not a fun one. How bad is it? Well, just a little backstory. We've been married a long time since high school, we've been together since high school, but he always, um, managed all of the finances. So, um, I never even really paid too much attention. I never logged into the bank account, nothing. I kind of had blinders on, I guess.

And so, um, fast forward to probably about a year or two ago, I started getting that feeling of like, okay, we make decent money, but like we never have any money. We're always scraping by. He's always like complaining that, you know, he's having a hard time paying bills and things. And I was like, okay, things aren't adding up. It doesn't make sense, right?

So I started to kind of do some digging on my own, which ended up turning into kind of a huge blow up about probably six months ago, where I kind of uncovered that, you know, he had been gambling a lot more than he was admitting to and was spending way more money than I thought that he was. So I kind of confronted him.

We had a nice chat about it. I kind of told him, these are the things that I need from you or want from you to kind of move forward. And so one of those was, let's have a weekly like talk about our finances. I wanted to start like couples therapy a couple other things. Well fast forward to now none of that stuff has stuck. Why did you demand it? I don't know I don't have a good answer for that.

I think I kind of wanted to like give him the benefit of the doubt. I don't think that's it. I think you didn't want to take him on. That's probably true. How come? Because I never have. I've always kind of let him take the reins on everything and I've sort of never really pushed for what I want or need, I guess, in our marriage. Okay. Before we go forward, he's clearly got a problem.

He's clearly not doing well, but I just want you to take your ownership part of this. Sure. That you found out, like actually you didn't even want to look, you had blinders on like you said forever. How long have y'all been married? 17 years. Okay, so for 16 years, you're just buried your head in the sand. I don't want to know.

And my gut tells me that your gut told you long before you finally called it. Correct. Like, and he probably has some tells on when he's spinning out and trying to cover losses and whatever. And you just buried your head and then you finally called them on it and you said, this is my demands. And then you just put your head back in the dirt, right? Right. Okay. Then what happened?

So I found out that we are late on some of the bills that are obviously the main bills, like our house, car, et cetera. And so then I kind of confronted him about it again. We had a talk last week and I actually decided that we both work full time. So I told him that I already made the decision. I opened my own bank account and I changed my direct deposit to go to my own account so that I can kind of take over

and make sure that our major bills are paid. But that doesn't fix the problem, you know, like there's something underlying that is causing him to do it. And I don't know what that is. And I can't force him. What did you find out a couple weeks ago? Like as far as the finances or? After you all had your big talk six months ago, I guess nothing really changed and you just kept gambling and gambling?

Was there a big something that happened? Did you lose a ton of money or how'd you find out again? Well, I had to go out of town with one of our kids for a sporting event. And when I got home that, that Sunday, he told me we were going to overdraw. And it didn't make sense because I had just gotten paid on Friday. And so I was like, how did we go through my whole paycheck in a matter of, you know, two days? And so I then got into the bank account

and did some digging and discovered that he had gone to the casino about 17 times in the previous month, so last month, and that he had spent almost $3,000 at the casino, but then didn't make the house payment, didn't make the car payment. So then I kind of was like, all right, this is obviously a problem. We got to talk about this and, and here we are.

So have you pulled all your credit reports? Yes. So you've pulled his, you've pulled yours. Have you pulled credit reports on all your kids too? Okay, so no, I have not pulled his myself and I've not pulled my kids, but I do know I have pulled mine. Okay, by the end of the day, I want every single credit report pulled on everybody. Okay. You don't fully know how bad this is. Yeah. And if when you start getting to not making house payments, I'm promising you it's not because of a $3,000

Expenditure you don't go to a casino 17 times and only transfer like play with three grand over the course of 17 times Right, you know what I mean? Like that's that that would be so abnormal, especially for somebody who's struggling with gambling addiction That makes sense. Yeah. And who knows what's happening on his phone. The online gambling is just it's destroying families. Yeah. And it's disproportionately destroying men. They gamble all day every day.

They don't even have to go to a casino. The fact that he went to a casino tells me I mean, I mean, it's just gonna be conjecture. But yeah, you're right to open a checking account to make sure you can pay your house so you don't lose your home. Right. I'm almost going to guarantee you this is going to get way, way worse before it gets better because you don't think you know the bottom of it yet. Yeah.

So, but he's got to pull his credit report ASAP and you'll find out what you're on the hook for. It would not surprise me if there's a HELOC out on your home. It wouldn't surprise me if there's stuff in pawn shops. It wouldn't surprise me if he's got a huge line of credit somewhere with credit cards or with the bank. So, I mean, like, I don't know, I just do this for a living and these gambling calls are getting more and more and more pervasive and they're getting more and more

pernicious, they're just a mess right now. Yeah, yeah, because what I know of is, I know he's taken out some personal loans and he admitted to those when we had our talk last week, but I think that you're right, I think there's stuff he hasn't admitted. His admission means nothing to me now. Yeah.

I could care less what he's told me about. I want to see it with my own eyes. Yeah. And for you, here's your homework assignment is to go get the last two or three years of bank statements. Yeah. When go with a ruler and go down line by line by line, print them out and

Write down in a ledger cash withdrawals write down in a ledger like I want you to get to the bottom because here's the thing You're equally as pissed off at yourself. Oh for sure and You're gonna just spin and spin and spin and spin and your tendency over the last Almost 20 years is just to put your head in the sand Mm-hmm, and for the sake and your tendency over the last almost 20 years is just to put your head in the sand. And for the sake of your kids, you can't do that. Right. Like you're going to have to take this thing by the horns.

Yeah. And you would be a very, very fortunate, fortunate woman to have this not be a way bigger mess than you think. But I don't care what he's told me. I don't care what he has convinced me of But I don't care what he's told me. I don't care what he has convinced me of. I don't care what he's admitted to. None of that matters anymore. I want to see, print off everything.

We're gonna get to the bottom of how bad this is. Yeah. And on his credit report, it will show any open accounts because he may have his own separate checking account too. Right, I don't know. Yeah, exactly. And here's the deal. He's earned that.

You all have both earned this. And so, but he's earned like, he's earned the right for you've earned the right to go look in everything. Yeah. And when he says you don't trust me, absolutely not. Zero, zero. Do I trust you? None. Correct. When he says you don't trust me absolutely not zero zero. Do I trust you none? Correct

And by the way Um, again, I don't want to keep piling on here and i'm saying this much for the audiences for you Gambling has also become the easiest way to pass off getting caught in an affair. What do you mean? There's three thousand dollars gone Oh, no, i've been gambling. I got a problem Right And so I want to know what all of this money's going. And if you find hotels, if you find Airbnbs, whatever, that wouldn't surprise me.

Nothing in this case surprises me. Yeah. And that's kind of where my head goes too, is like, if you've been lying to me about this and kind of covering this up, like what else could you be lying about? But I want you to sit down and have the conversation with him.

I let this go on in my life. Yeah. And so I am refusing to let this go on one step further. And it sounds like if you're unsafe physically, and that's why you haven't taken him on for all these years, then you're gonna have to deal with that. You're gonna have to get out of the house. If it's emotional and he's just loud or he's a baby or he cry, whatever, you're gonna have to get out of the house. If it's emotional and he's just loud or he's a baby or he cry, whatever,

you're gonna have to navigate your safety here. There's usually a reason why somebody doesn't take somebody on for 20 years. It's the latter. Okay, all right. So here's how the conversation goes. Here's your prompt I'm gonna give you. Sit down tonight and say,

hey, I've had some time to spin this up and think this through. I need you to not, no say, hey, I've had some time to spin this up and think this through. I need you to not, no crying, no whining, no throwing a fit. I need you to be a grown man here at this table. And I'm gonna be a grown woman. I failed our marriage by letting this thing go on for 20 years and left you out in the wind. And you failed this marriage

by continually keeping secrets in line to all of us and then just pissing our money away. So from this point forward, you're gonna have a new wife and it's gonna be day one and I'm gonna be involved in every single thing. Here's all the credit reports, here's our kids' credit reports, I'm going through everything.

And if he goes, are you kidding me, you pulled the kids? Yes, I did. Every single thing I wanna know. Because you, you Elise, are not gonna be able to walk through your own house because you don't trust yourself either. Right.

So part of this like standing up tall, throwing your head back, throwing your shoulders back is I'm gonna prove to myself that I can walk through this thing and take on my husband, take on the safety of our kids husband take on the safety of our kids Take on the safety of our financial future and you don't know at least what you're connected to I'm glad that you pulled your credit report. You had nothing pulled on you or anything like that The there was a few like personal loans that he had taken out that were that have my name on them as well

Oh hell no. Oh my gosh. Yes. You're on the hook for him. Yeah. Right. If he moves out tomorrow, you're on the hook for that. Right. How much did he tell you? How much have you all figured up via him that you're in the hole? Probably around 20 grand. I bet it's triple that. Yeah.

And I cannot tell you how hopeful I am that I'm wrong. I hope I'm so wrong on that. Right. And if you're off, I mean, if you're off 20 grand, man, you're a, you're a lucky, lucky person. Yeah. Cause y'all can solve that problem pretty quick with some discipline.

And then the next thing is he's got to start seeing, going to Gammish Anonymous tomorrow. And what if he doesn't? Then you have a choice to make. Yeah. Or he has a choice to make. Yeah, cause I already recommended that I thought he needed to get.

We're done with recommendations. Yeah. Because he's taking out loans in your name, Elise. Right. Like, he's making you, in my world, I call that financial infidelity. Right. He's bringing other people in this place, bankers, into your marriage, into your relationships, into your safety, into your ability to provide for yourself and for your kids.

And so there's got to be a line in the sand. But you get to decide what that is. You might say, you know what, I married a gambler. This is what this is. And we're going to figure this out. And it's only 20 grand. And I'm going to go on and pretend nothing's going on. You can do that.

Or you can say, if you gamble again, you are choosing to move out of this house. Yeah. If you are gambling again, and by the way, I would put a stop on your credit, and I'd put a stop on your kid's credit. Yeah. So that he can't pull any more, open any more lines

of credit. They have to, they'll contact you if somebody tries to pull open up a line of credit on it. Okay. Okay. Here's my fear. I'm going to paint you a worst case scenario. My fear is this is real bad

and he's going to start panicking in the next few days cause he thinks he's got you soothed over now. And because of how you've acted in the past, he's probably right to think that. And's gonna go pull something else out to cover how big this mess actually is yeah and then he's gonna move out you're gonna find out you're gonna kick him out or whatever and then it's gonna be a disaster because you're gonna have to cover that loan because the bank doesn't carry your names on it right or you're gonna spend two years fighting him in court for it and he is not going to

have it. And then the whole time the bank keeps wanting that house note and the bank keeps wanting that car note. Right. Right. Hopefully, that's not the case. Yeah. But this is day one, Elise.

This is when you stand up and you draw your sword and say, as for me at my house, you're not making me and my kids unsafe anymore. But I would frame it with, we're going to have a real hard conversation, probably one you've never had with me. But I'm scared in my own house and I can't rely on you for that safety right now. And so I'm going gonna have to take action I want everything and we're gonna pull the stuff right the second in front of me get on the computer and download them right now and

we'll link in the show notes to the To the site where you can pull all three of your credit reports really quickly and they'll just email them to you But we'll go from there Everybody listen gambling just it is just destroying families. It's just something, I don't know man, it's not a thing I've ever struggled with. And so I can go and have my silly little fun and I don't have an app on my phone. I wouldn't know how to gamble online. I mean, I don't know how to do it.

I'm sure I can figure it out. But it's never been a struggle of mine. And I'm super grateful for that. I've got other struggles, but that's know how to do it. I'm sure I could figure it out But it's never been a struggle of mine and I'm super grateful for that I've got other struggles, but that's just not one of them But I tell you what it is destroying families and gentlemen if you're listening to this and you are over your head gambling especially online With your phone or whatever Today's the day call it call it

I'm just taking too many calls on this show and on the other show. We get too many emails from all over the world, but especially men blowing up their families because they've gambled away so much. Today's the day. Stop. Pull the plug on it. Delete the apps. Go get help and be honest with your partner about how bad it is. Everybody listening with gambling challenges, today's day one.

It's going to be up to us because nobody else is looking out for us. All right, coming up, we talk to a woman who's been married for over a decade and just admitted to an affair while she was engaged. Whoa. All right, it's cozy earth time. Just hearing the terms nine to five is a drag. It makes you think of your boss with coffee breath or coworkers with no boundaries

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bedding products for a decade of great sleep. Go to CozyEarth.com slash Deloney and use code Deloney for 40% off the best-selling temperature regulating sheets, apparel, towels, and more. Trust me, you'll feel the difference. That's CozyEarth.com slash deloni and use code deloni to save 40% off Sleep cooler lounge lighter and stay cozy Go to San Antonio, Texas home of some of the greatest cooking on the planet and talk to Marlene. What's up Marlene? Hi, dr. John How we doing much for taking my call. Of course. I'm doing good. Good, I guess, but it's been a tough two weeks.

Let me know what's going on. Okay. So, I guess a little bit of background about myself. I've been married for 12 years. I've been with my husband since we were 15. So high school sweethearts, two kids, five and three. And recently I came clean to him about an affair I had during our engagement.

And it's been a tough road. Yeah. Now a little bit of backstory on that affair. So my husband and I got engaged when we were 20, 22, 21, I believe, going into 22. He joined the military and we decided that, I believe, going into 22, he joined the military and we decided that, you know, sharing life together was something that we wanted to do.

He told me that he didn't see himself leaving and being by himself. He wanted to be with me and just, you know, start everything with me. So it was something that we discussed, something that we talked pretty much planned and, you know know had our parents blessings and getting married

He left for training Basic and then a IT so pretty much for about a year When he came back home he I found out that he had had an affair in training and mind you, like, this is all through like our engagement process. Um, he swears that it only happened once. Um, although he didn't come clean at the time. Um, but it, you know, the signs were there. I just knew that

It happened it was it was clear to me. Take take me to yours take me to yours I feel like you're kind of circling a little bit because you don't want to talk about it take me to yours So was yours a revenge affair I I was heartbroken. I was, I guess, I'm not, I don't know if it was a revenge affair. I remember, I honestly don't even remember clearly, you know, everything that happened. It was more like, I was hanging out with a friend, we went to a bar,

had a chat, conversation, just drinks, and one thing led to the other and it just happened. I mean, it's not how that works, but we'll go with it just for now. So how long have y'all been married? Y'all been married 12 years? 12 years. And how old are you now?

35. Okay. We do have a thing when we first started, he's the one that told me, you know, we're in our safe space, this is our safe space, we can talk about anything, you can tell me anything, and I feel comfortable telling you anything. And that has always been our thing since we usually

kind of hint that out to each other, like, hey, we're in our safe space, like, let's be open about anything and everything. But you have to understand that safe space for him is built on a foundation that he found out a couple weeks ago didn't exist. Right. You know what I'm saying?

Does that make sense? Like even you choosing to be in a safe space with him 12 years, a decade plus later, after you found out that he cheated on you once when he was away training, even then you chose and I'm still going to marry you. I'm still going to enter into this, this marriage with you. We've made two kids, we've built a life together. And so like the safety that you feel, you knew everything, right? And it was anchored in his, he was anchored into something that he found out was sand. So how can I help you? This sounds like a big one. So exactly that, I feel like, I mean,

I just wanna know how I can- What's he saying? What's he telling you? Better navigate things along the lines that you just said, is things like, had he known before he wouldn't have married me. Yeah. Things like, things would have been different. He feels stuck now.

I robbed him from a decision to make. He has two kids in a mortgage now. He doesn't trust me. He doesn't believe me. He sees me differently. I'm a hypocrite, liar. Nothing matters. And I guess it's like also disappointment that he mentions

and I guess just those things that he keeps or that he said in this past week, keep circling in my head. I know he's trying. He still tells me he loves me. And then like we've been intimate and he tells me nothing. Like my feelings toward you haven't changed. But then he has things where he's like, everything has changed. So it's like a big roller coaster.

So, listen, you're going to have to let him grieve a bit and he's going to say things that probably in retrospect he doesn't mean, and I'm not saying it's okay. He probably would have still married you. I think if I'm him, I would be remembering back to how scary it was when I had to sit down, whether I got caught or whether I told you, whatever, sit down and have the conversation with you

that he'd been unfaithful during your engagement. And then he'd screw like the shame he felt and how embarrassed he felt. And then for you to just go do the same thing and then keep it quiet for a decade. I think he's finding out that you're not who he thought he was, not because you slept with somebody 12 years ago or 13 or 14 years ago, but because he did something that's very scary for men to do, which is to go all in and create a safe space with somebody else emotionally. And not just someone to have sex with, but somebody like, y'all talk about everything.

And the worst thing that could have happened to a guy who has the courage to do that is he found out he was anchored into something that the person he was being totally 100% open with wasn't being open with him. My guess is the betrayal is after 10 years or 12 years, he's like, who are you? Not because of what happened 12 years ago, but because of, oh my gosh, dude, we'd created the safest, most comfortable, most intimate relationship possible because we talked about everything. And so I don't like asking for a way to navigate this sounds like how do I work around it?

How do I hack this? How do we just get from here to there? And I guess what I would tell you is, there's just gonna be some sitting in it. This is hard. And I think the question is, how do I begin to regain your trust? I wanna be married to you, I wanna love you. And I kept a secret from you for a long, long time. And then he's gonna get to set the table for what his trust rebuilding look like and then you're gonna get to decide

Do I want to be a part of that or not? Because I think in his head he loves you he wants to be with you y'all made a family together You're his person forever. And also my gosh, who are you? I Thought I was safe yeah I mean you're right I absolutely understand that and he doesn't get to be abusive and swear at you and yell and become a child. He didn't get to do that. But it doesn't surprise me.

He's like, man, I never would have done this. And that's somebody who's just in a lot of pain right now because the ground they were walking on just dissolved underneath them. It's like walking over a sinkhole and the whole thing caves in. But I think there's just going to be some, I don't know, I don't have any data to back up what I'm about to say, but I've just sat with folks who found out somebody had an affair, like a one night stand, somebody had somebody they met at work and things got out of control and you know, here we are

But I've talked to people who had an affair a long time ago and they never said anything they never said anything They never said anything and everything they built It has an unmooring effect. Neither of them are great and they always cause a lot of angst and turmoil but Yeah, I think this is gonna be tough I mean I Yeah, I think this is going to be tough. I mean, I think asking how can I earn your trust back? What's a path back look like? Or let me say it this way, the marriage that you had is now over. Do you all want to go through and build a new one? I guess I just want to, I want to validate on this side of it, hearing this, if my wife

was to come to me and say, Hey, by the way, this happened. I wouldn't leave but it would be devastating to me mainly because Somehow in my mind and my spirit and my soul I would think I created a world so unsafe for her that she couldn't come Tell me something that happened this long ago And that would be really heavy for me to carry and tell me something that happened this long ago. And that would be really heavy for me to carry. And then I would think, you know, actually I did create a safe enough place and then I would get mad. I think that's something that he's been going through.

Yeah, anger is a core part of the grief, of you know, the stages of grief. He did mention just this past week in that, just this past week he had thought and regretted how if he wouldn't have had his affair, I wouldn't have done anything. And then he switches to like, no, but you made a conscious decision. That's right That's just hey, that's a get it. That's a guy trying to get his footing after the after the floor just fell off under So I think the greatest gift you can give him is space He has mentioned divorce is not an option

but he did mention a couple times times that about separation, that he thought about separation. I'm not sure. So, so, so Marla, just let him process. Okay. Sounds like he's a good man. Sounds like he's trying to make sense. He just got dumped into the ocean. He's trying to figure out how to get his bearings straight so he could swim back to shore.

And I think the greatest gift you can give him right now is to say, hey, the foundation of this marriage, like he can't deny that you've shown up for him minute by minute, day by day, year by year. He knows that. And he's telling you, I'm not going to divorce you. I'm not leaving you over this, but I I'm every thought I have is just spinning and it sounds like y'all have created such a safe environment where he can say What's on his heart and mind most men wouldn't do that. So big kudos to him But it sounds like he's saying I'm not gonna leave you but my gosh, I'm thinking about it and I feel trapped

But I don't I wouldn't trade my life for anything. It's like that it's a it's him trying to just get his equilibrium back. And a great gift you can give him is to say, hey, the foundation that our house is built on, I recognize that I didn't tell you the truth about it. So you feeling like one minute this way, one minute that way, I totally get it. And I recognize that we got to rebuild our marriage from the floor up. I've always been who I am except for this one big giant secret and I kept it from you and I was wrong and I'm sorry.

And all of your feelings are valid and good and I'm going to ask you every single morning how I can love you today. And I think you Marlon just expecting it's gonna be a roller coaster. It's gonna be some real highs and some real lows. And he's just a guy trying to get his footing back. And then y'all have a hard, what I would call a reckoning conversation about,

okay, what does marriage look like moving forward? And what's that gonna look like? And how are we going to navigate that? But I guess I just want to reiterate the hardest thing in the world for men, I think, is to be emotionally and spiritually vulnerable with somebody because in our day-to-day lives, it will get us killed. It will get us kicked out of the table. It'll get us not invited to the meetings, which in our world is akin to death. It's just, it's, it just gets you ostracized and he created a world with you for that.

And he found out it wasn't what he thought it was. And so it's not, I personally don't think it's about what happened so long ago. It's, it's this constant compounding of, man, I've got this, he's walking around thinking he's got the safest emotional relationship on the planet. And he finds out, except she's got the capacity to hold a huge secret from me for over a decade plus. It's just un-mourning. So it's going to take some time.

But go to him and acknowledge, I blew it up. I did. And I led you to believe that I was always a% with you and on this one issue I wasn't. And God help you make sure that there's not another lie, another story, another dishonesty thing out there. It's time to put everything, everything on the table. If you've got a secret credit card, if you sent pictures to another guy you met one night at a bar, like whatever, make sure it's all on the table and just tell him, every day I'm going to ask you this.

And he can tell you nothing. He can tell you, I just need some space. I need you to just come be with me tonight. Like whatever that is, I'm all in. And then ask him, how do we rebuild trust from here? And he's going to get to set it down and go from there. This is a tough one Marlon, and I don't know an easy way. The only way through this one is right through the middle of it. it down and go from there. This is a tough one Marlon and I don't know an easy way.

The only way through this one is right through the middle of it. And by the way you're going to need a couple of girlfriends that you can talk to and text and be honest with. You can't hold all of this by yourself. Getting a gang is going to be important here. Thank you for the call. Call anytime and if you want to call me I'd love to talk to him too. I'd love to talk to him too. When we come back we talk to a man who wonders how to talk to his buddy about a drinking problem. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Therapy is not just for people dealing with major traumas.

It can be for major traumas, but it's also a valuable tool for anyone looking to just improve their mental and emotional well-being or their relationships. I see a therapist for both the big challenges from my past as well as for helping me navigate the day-to-day challenges that just pop up. Many of you should consider seeing a therapist too, and if you're thinking about trying therapy, contact my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is a hundred percent online so it's affordable and convenient for your schedule. As the largest online therapy provider in the world, BetterHelp can provide access to mental health professionals with a diverse variety of expertise. They also have over 10 years of experience matching people

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That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash deloney. Wichita, Kansas. Let's talk to Bach. Sebastian, what's up? Hey, Dr. John. How we doing, brother? Good, how are you? I'm doing great. What's going on man? Well, I'm just wondering how to talk to my friend about his uh drinking problem. Tell me about it. Well, he's he's 20 and he's already gotten a DUI about a year or two ago. So he's been through that whole process already. And I'm just worried about him and want to know how to get through to him.

But stop it. Is he still drinking unsafe? Yeah. Yeah. So, you know your friend. How does he take these type of conversations? We've never really had a, I guess a vulnerable conversation with each other. So I'm not too sure.

So I think this is one of those conversations that there's not a soft way to do it other than to say, hey, I need to have a hard conversation with you and I love you. And I would say both of those words up front. And you may have never said either of those. I mean, it doesn't sound like you've ever said either of those words up front and it will catch his attention and say, I'm worried about your drinking. You drink too much, man. Yeah. And tell him, I'll go to a meeting with you I can't drink with

you anymore I can't watch you get in the car and drive anymore after you've been drinking and you're my brother and I don't want to walk away from you. I can't be a part of this Yeah, I don't Drink with him at all. Okay And maybe you say that maybe you say I've I want you to see I don't even drink with you cuz I'm worried about you Yeah How does he said he's 20? Yeah, he's just turned 20. Yeah, he's not even legal to be drinking Yeah, I's just turned 20. Yeah, he's not even legal to be drinking. Yeah I know.

And here's the deal man, I've had this conversation, especially when I was your age, about certain things and a couple of them went really well and one of them in particular went horrible. Guy said, who do you think you are? Filled in a blank with a whole bunch of expletives and we went back and forth and we didn't talk for a while Yeah, I guess that's what I'm a little worried about I'll tell you on the on the worry-o-meter My worry is always I want you to be alive and hate me More than I want you to be dead and hate me more than I want you to be dead.

And no, I kept the peace. Yeah. And if you have a couple of other buddies that are in your, in your circle and your gang, then it would be great to have them come along too. Okay. And expect him to lash out and I know this about you and you do this and you're not perfect but yeah, a hundred percent I know I'm not perfect. I'm just worried about you dying.

Yeah, that's my main concern, either him or someone else. Okay, I want you to do some homework and find out when a meeting is and maybe there's one this evening in your local community, an AA meeting, and tell him I'll go with you. Okay. All right. Tell him I'll go with you tonight. I'll go with you the first three. I'll just go, I'll drive you. Okay. Okay. But I want you to get involved in that level and then just hold some space. He may say, screw you, I'm out of here. Don't ever talk to me again. And he cuts you off and blocks you on everything. If that's the case, just know you went to bed saying two of the most important things

in the world. I love you and I'll go with you. And hopefully those words will rattle around in his soul. And when he has his day of reckoning, whether it's a second DUI or gets in a car wreck or he hurts somebody Or he just finds himself alone in a bar and he just says I don't want this life. He'll remember his great buddy boxing I love you And I'll go with you and sometimes that's the best we can do man. I know it feels powerless, but sometimes that's the best we can do Thank you so much for the call my brother.

We'll be right back. Hey, it's Deloney for Organifi. I talk to people every day who are stressed out. They're anxious, they're not sleeping well, they're disconnected and they're grumpy. Most of them are trying to fix all of their challenges with comfort food or caffeine or scented candles. Can we all just agree that none of that stuff is probably working? That's where Organifi comes in.

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Thanks. Glad to be back. We were, my son graduated high school this past weekend and so we had a very full weekend of family and parties and all sorts of stuff going on. Did you cry? I did, just not as much as I thought. I cried a little bit at graduation. And then on Sunday we went to not our normal church, but the church where he goes to youth

group with some friends. And it was really, really, really special what they did. And I did, I did cry a little bit there. Awesome. Cause I had to, we had to write them a letter that they read. Hey, this is a total new thing and you can edit this all out. I kind of want, before we do the, am I the problem?

I want to like use this end segment a little bit to retro what we, some of these calls. I got to ask like everybody in the booth, you've been married 10 years, 12 years, and you find out your partner had an affair that long ago and in my head I

Just I mean unless it was with my best friend or something. That's a whole other deal But like assuming my wife met a stranger in a bar had the affair the thing that is the most devastating to me right now is that all this time, it would be the dishonesty and the lies. That's the part that would drive me crazy. Yeah, I agree. And again, not having been there, it's easy to say how I would react. Of course, yeah. But I think that especially, I mean, we've been married 20 something years now. I think it'd be easy to be like, it was a long time ago.

That part I'm not as concerned with. But yeah, I think the question would be the fact that you've been sitting on this life or in her case, 12 years. Okay. So tell me what is worse. What's worse? And this is the one I keep spinning on right now. So her husband had an affair too while he was off at Basic and comes in, gets caught, has this big emotional moment.

You're the woman I want to marry. I want to be with you forever. I know this sounds awful, but I think her affair is worse because she felt the explosion in that house and the devastation and the shame and all that. And she's like, no, I'm going to marry you anyway. And then she went to a bar and met somebody and slept with that dude.

I don't know why that feels worse to me. It just does. All right, am I the problem? All right, so this is from Katherine in Cincinnati. And she writes, my husband and I have been married for 15 years and he regularly checks out other women in front of me. Today while driving our daughter to school, he noticed a woman going by and turned around to watch

her until she was out of view. To add to it, my husband is always telling me that bleach blonde hair, fake tans, makeup, and injected faces are not attractive at all to him. Yet this is usually the type of woman he is looking at. Whenever I see it happen, I let him know that it makes me uncomfortable and that I don't like it. He apologizes and tells me he isn't even aware that he is doing it until I say something. Oh, crap on a stick, on a log, with a pony, in a dragon. He's such a lying fox fart. He also said that guys do it all the time. So, John, am I truly the problem for letting this bother me?

No. Can he truly be unaware of his actions? No. I have a hard time believing him because it's been going on for so long and I brought it to his attention over and over and over and over again. Yeah, dude, like, A, put sunglasses on, don't be an idiot. And you can cut your eyes and you could see something objectively beautiful. Like that is awesome and fine and great and I don't even mind this like just walking by and be like man

Don't say man out loud. That's an inside voice. The second thing is she knows that person's beautiful, too It's not like anybody's hiding anything from anybody but the gawking Screw that With a drill that's so that's so I piss it Okay, the hope was so shut up You know why because you don't do it with your grandmother and you don't do it with your mom You do it cuz you're an ass and you do it for your wife. That just sucks Like I hate that dude that

And by the way, I don't like what people do to my wife and I don't like it when people okay. Here's what I'll say Okay, here's the thing. Okay, there is a funny way and Nate and Ben back me up on this. There's a way you walk into a room and the woman you're with is beautiful. Right? And there's a way a guy can very subtly acknowledge, like, well done, right? There's just a nod, like, and I don't know, it's very imperceptible, but it's like,

I don't know, boy, I don't even know you, stranger, but like, well done. And then there's the oblivious to you, I'm just gonna check her out, and now I have to kill you, right? I mean, it's like, and it's very subtle, but there's a There's a nod to you're with somebody that's beautiful. Well done, man, like And everybody wants someone to be like hey the person you're with is beautiful, right?

It's that next one dude and you can freaking control that and here's the worst part She's told him over and over this makes me uncomfortable Shut up on a big alright, I'm gonna get myself in trouble. I'm coming up with everything I can say to not swear It's just that kind of that kind of Monday morning. It's not even Monday. That's the problem. It's not even Ben rescue me from myself start the tunes. What do you think Kelly? Am I crazy? Oh, no, you're 100% right And it would be just as bad if she was doing it. I know. Just as bad.

Dude, recognize beauty. See it. Internalize it. Everyone's life should be better when somebody beautiful walks by or somebody handsome walks by. That's life. It's when you choose to go, huh huh huh, that God help you, dude. What is happening to us?

Love y'all, bye.