The Dr. John Delony Show - I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)

Episode Date: May 21, 2025

On today’s episode, we hear about: ·       A woman who struggles to be intimate with her husband ·       A husband trying to convince his wife that they don’t need to adopt ·       A mom wondering how to tell the kids about a new boundary Next Steps: 📘 Get Julie Federico’s book Some Parts Are Not for Sharing.  📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test  📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future  ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards  💭 John's Free Guided Meditation  🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch  Connect With Our Sponsors: 🌱 Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. 🔴 Get 15% off with code DELONY at Bon Charge. 🌿 Get up to 40% off with code DELONY at Cozy Earth.  🔒 Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe. 😇 Go to Hallow for a 90-day free trial. 💤 Visit Helix Sleep for special offers! 🥤 Get 20% off with code DELONY at Organifi.  💪 Get 25% off your order at Thorne.  🏋️ Go to Trainwell to get started! Explore More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights   🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💡 The Rachel Cruze Show 💰 George Kamel 🪑 Front Row Seat with Ken Coleman 📈 EntreLeadership   Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Every time my husband initiates sex, I immediately lock up emotionally and physically. I'm like, you just told me a few days ago how unhappy you are, and it's making me feel crazy. And I just feel like I need guidance on how to navigate our relationship because I want to be with him and to make it work. Gotcha. What's going on? What's going on everybody? This is John with the Dr. John DeLoney show. So glad that you're with us. Talk about your relationships, your mental and emotional health, whatever you got going on in your life. So real people going through real challenges. We don't make up anything on the show. This

is all real live stuff. If you want to be on the show, go to johndeloney.com slash ask ASK and a text box will pop up and you can write in what you're going through and what you're experiencing and see if we can get you on the show and I'll pull up a seat next to you at the bar and we will figure out what is going on. Let's roll out to Raleigh, North Carolina and talk to, oh, it was a couple's call. We'll go to Raleigh and I'm going to pull up Tess here. Hey Tess, what's up? Hi, Dr. John, how are you? I'm great.

You doing good? Doing well. Very surreal speaking with you. It's surreal too. And I'm going to pull up Michael here. Michael, you there? Yeah, hey, how's it going? What's up, homie?

All right, so I got both of you here. Good to talk to you all. Yeah. Yeah, you too. Thanks for having us on. Absolutely. OK, so Tess, you let it rip, and then we'll go from there. OK, sounds good.

So the question is sort of twofold. And I'm just going to dive right into like the question that I wrote into the show, because I can tend to ramble. I don't know anything about that. So. I'm sure. Okay. Every time my husband initiates sex, I immediately lock up emotionally and physically. I feel mad at him and make an excuse most of the time. I know it's just built up anger and resentment from our past issues. And what can I do to just let him in?

And this is the twofold part. My husband does have depression and has recently in the past questions whether or not he wants to be with me and accuses his unhappiness to me one day, and then all is forgotten the next, followed by wanting to be intimate. But I'm like, you just told me a few days ago how unhappy you are, and it's making me feel crazy. And I just feel like I need guidance

on how to navigate our relationship because I want to be with him and to make it work. Gotcha. Have you ever said that in that way to Michael, what you just said to me? Yes, multiple times. Okay. We are very open, yeah.

Good. All right, so Michael, you hear that. What do you think's going on? Yeah, so I mean, she's definitely right about, you know, kind of the disconnect romantically and she's, you know, she's definitely right about, you know, kind of the disconnect, um, romantically. And she's, you know, she's correct. I have struggled mental health wise, uh, for most of my life. Um, and I can understand, like we talked about it.

It's definitely, you know, really has to be frustrating because I do, you know, get into, you know, kind of gullies where, you know where the marriage and the relationship starts to come into doubt. Once we've had a resolution, whether or not we had a big fight or not, but we tend to solve things and move on, and I get you know the next day feel pretty normal again and then when it comes time you know when the kids are finally asleep we've got some time you know it definitely is one-sided and that kind of extends you know more than just you know physically but sometimes it feels like there's just also that mental disconnect that my back

and forth and kind of my struggles have kind of bled into the relationship. I don't know that they've bled into it. It's the blood coursing through the veins of this relationship, right? In combination with hers. So Tess, tell me, I guess if you could distill it down for this kind of format, right? I'd love to talk to you guys for a couple hours. This is fascinating.

How can I help you? What are you looking for? I am looking for basically, I want to, I guess, have know the tools to kind of create for me, kind of maybe figure out what the core issue is for me possibly and to kind of know what the tools are to be able to open up to him physically again because I want to, because I know it's not just about the sex. It's like, it's kind of the past arguments kind of building up about things and towards him and I don't

know, I just want to be able to like kind of relax and be open to it again. Because at the end of a long day, I'm very, very tired a lot of the time with the kids because I'm a stay at home mom with them. And then it's either that or I'm just kind of annoyed at him. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So, man, there's a couple of annoyed at him. Yeah, totally. Whenever he tries to initiate it, yeah. So man, there's a couple of big things here.

Let me just start with the biggest rock first and then we'll kind of walk through some other, walk down some other avenues. You said that you freeze and lock up. Those two words are often used for somebody who's some sort of survivor of Past trauma past abuse somebody who's not safe Mm-hmm Tell me what you mean when you say that you lock up when he when he starts to put the moves on you you just your body goes it that because because that's a

Trauma response that is a body saying quick, turn all the lights off, power down, let this threat do what it's going to do and let this hurricane come through or this tornado come through. And then tomorrow, if we survive this, then we will hear the birds chirping, the sun will come back up. Yeah. I haven't inkling what that might be. The thing is this has happened a lot more after having kids, so it hasn't always been like this with him.

But when you bring up trauma, I could up with, well, my parents divorced when I was three and, um, my sister and me, um, saw my dad part time, um, on like, like every other weekend and every Wednesday and my dad definitely had like kind of bipolar issues, serious anchor problems. He just wasn't like really a good guy. Like when it comes to sex, I like, I like, I really think about like him in terms of like, like he'd bring his girlfriends over and they would like make out on the sofa in front of us or like have sex in the next room kind of with me my sister um And then we would you know on and on the flip side of the coin like he would get really mad whenever we wanted to call her mom and like slam the phone down and like

threatened to like you know, like just like kind of Threatened to spank us and stuff. So that kind of anger, I don't know, around that maybe, like for the longest time, I've been trying to figure if there's some kind of connection. So can I paint a picture for you? Yeah, sure.

So Tessa and Michael, this is me with a big handful of spaghetti thrown up against the wall, okay? See what sticks. But just listening to you guys for a few minutes, tell me if I'm on the right track or if I'm not on the right track. Okay. Okay. And I want to preface this with the old, the old therapeutic adage. We marry our unfinished business.

Okay. So Michael, you've wrestled with various challenges with emotional mental health for most of your life and it sounds like you're working really hard and yet you have gullies and seasons when things are pretty low. Is that fair? Yeah, that's fair. Okay. So I don't want to go too nerdy, but it's my belief that many men, many, many men, millions

of men, they understand that at work, in their faith practice, just hanging out with the bros that vulnerability will get them killed and not killed like a bullet to your head, but killed, ostracized, pushed out. Nobody wants to hear a guy whining about stuff with a bunch of dudes in the room. And so the only way they know they're connected is either shoulder to shoulder, a group of guys doing a hard thing together, building a thing, solving a problem, doing something. Or they get home in their romantic relationships. The only way they are safe enough

to be honest and vulnerable is sex. It's the only thing that says, okay, this one is safe. And on the other side, like for bajillions of years, sex for a woman meant you might get pregnant. And until recently, pregnancy might mean death, pregnancy might mean an ostracization, pregnancy might mean kicked out of your tribe if this baby wasn't had the right way

for your particular group, right? So often, sex becomes something that's terrifying and scary or quote unquote unsafe, unless we have connected emotionally, socially, together. And you can see how you both are coming at this thing needing something. Now here's my guest number two throwing spaghetti against, this is me throwing up against the wall. Michael, you go through tough stuff emotionally.

Are you working full-time, Michael? Yeah, 95. Okay, so you go to work, you start feeling yourself getting low, you get frustrated and angry that you're feeling yourself getting low. You say some things out loud. I don't even know if I wanna be in this thing.

And every test, every one of your alarms goes off. This guy's gonna leave me again I've got to make this thing right again and Then Michael you gasping for oxygen Go to the only place. It's okay for a man to seek connection and that is through sex and that energy coming at you test feels just like sex. And that energy coming at you Tess feels just like, all the way back to when you're seven. And your body says shut this thing down.

Because it's not sex like, hey, let's have an escape together from this chaotic life of a couple of kids. That is not, hey, let's have, let's inject some play and fun into our lives. Let's have some deep connection and we can just unplug from the world. This is for Michael, this is survival sex and you've been in the house of a man trying to survive. And you are the casualty of it when you're seven years old. Yeah. Does any of this ring true at all?

Tell me if I'm, if I'm out to lunch here. No, definitely. I mean, parts of it definitely sound familiar, kind of connect. The only thing I'm, I guess, confused by is that like, it hasn't always been like this with him or even with like past relationships I've had, like, I don't know. So let's do, let's take that pressure off. Doesn't matter. Cause it's happening now.

And what you're doing is you're making yourself feel crazy cause you're comparing the present moment with all these other things that have happened in the past. Just because you've enjoyed sex in the past, just because you've had some great romantic partners in the past, just because you and Michael have had great connected intimacy in the past, just because you've had some great romantic partners in the past, just because you and Michael have had great connected intimacy in the past, doesn't mean that it doesn't feel unsafe now. And my guess is, I'll say my guess is, on Michael's behalf, having kids does all kind

of things to a person's, a parent's internal emotional state. You can, I've seen people who are just chaotic maniacs that they have a kid and dude, it just flips a switch. They start showering all the time. They show up on time. They get promoted at work. It's just the thing they were anchored into. And I could tell you for me, man, I was pretty, I was super reliable at work and I was fun to be around. I was a little unhinged like I always am, but having a kid spun me up. Yeah, I feel like a live wire like most of the time. That's it.

Like anxiety and things I haven't done and yeah. What did having kids bring to your chest, that little reactor in the middle of your chest? Does it give you peace? Does it make you feel less than? Just love. I mean, they're the best part of my life, no offense to us, but they are far and away, my great motivator.

And it's funny that you mentioned kind of the you know, it's, it's funny that, you know, you mentioned kind of the survival aspect because it's, it's definitely true that who I am at home is not, you know, the same type of, you know, guy that I am when I'm out with my friends or when I'm at work and there's different responsibilities and expectations. Um, but you know, I do look at, you know, kind of the last year and how this kind of problem has, oh, you know, problem, the situation has kind of deepened. You know, I spent half of last year unemployed, and there was a lot of, you know, there was a lot of negativity going around between me and my wife and you know we do everything that we can to just you know keep up with our kids and then she's right that by the end of the days you know we're exhausted and I look at the

intimacy as kind of you know that you know break from the world versus I think you know some of the things that I said and done while I was really feeling down, that obviously still fits really, really heavily with her. And I want to help to, you can't undo the past, but I want to help to be able to help her forgive. Yeah. So Tess and Michael, here's what I'll tell you. A, I think there are some pretty clear paths back.

Okay? And let me change my language. I'm going to retract what I just said. There is no path back. There are some pretty clear paths towards you guys building a new marriage together. That's going to be built on forgiveness. That's going to be built on choosing reality. The reality is test. Michael got fired. He lost his job.

And that can happen to any of us. And as the mother of two young kids, that can be terrifying. And also, you can be honest and put on the table, Michael, I did or did not feel safe by the way you went to find another job. And we can have that hard conversation. And you can be honest about what parts of Michael, the conversations, the language, the showing up to help around the house, the help with the kids, the doing the diapers, the bedtime routines, which parts of what activities,

what actions can Michael take that help remove the stop signs in your house. So what we're trying to do is build a house that has room for play and arrows, eroticism in it that has room for comedy room for laughter room for just joy room for right now. You're gonna go do it right now. Oh yeah. Like that could build space for that.

And if Michael of tests is always worried, is today gonna be a low day for Michael? Is he gonna say something? Is he scared? Is he gonna be mean? Am I gonna have to do all, go to work all day and then deal with the kids all night and Michael just be on the couch?

Those are all things that y'all need to talk about because sometimes it's as complicated as we need to go to some intense marriage therapy because we need an outside resource. Sometimes it's as easy as, Michael, you commit, I will keep taking my meds from here on out. I will never miss. And I'm going to start seeing a counselor every week.

And I will never walk by the sink and leave a dish in it, ever. I'll always do that. I will always walk into the house. In the first five minutes. I walk into the house I'm gonna look for one thing to clean to help out and I'm gonna get a little bit more invested in the home or a lot more invested in the home and I'm gonna stand six inches taller because I got a purpose here at the house my house doesn't feel like a failure factory and

Then all of a sudden test is walking around and doesn't have all this weight on the squat rack Which is the mental load of the house and the actual activities of the house and the dinner and all, you see, you get what I'm saying? These things all get tied up together. And then Tess, at some point, you're going to have to write a letter to your dad and say, no more. Do you get a vote into my life? Yeah.

And don't send that letter, obviously, but it may be a letter you read out to Michael and say, dear dad, it ends today. And here's what happened to me as a little girl. Here's the things I remember. Here's the things I saw. Here's the things I heard. And that has made it very difficult for me to have adult relationships. And so I'm done. You no longer get a seat at my table.

You no longer get a voice in my head. I wish you the best. It's me and Michael versus the world now. And then from that point forward, after that moment, after that letter, after you read it, then you make a choice that when your dad's head, when his voice pops into your head, you stop and say, no, or you stop and say, you don't get a vote anymore. You stop that thing and over time you begin to change your default setting. You get what I'm saying Tess?

Yeah. And that's a heavy, scary, frustrating move. And Michael, Michael, I want you to, from this point forward, this is day one, the next time you tell your wife, I'm not sure I want to be married to you anymore, I want you to be prepared to move out because that is a form of manipulation that is just, you can't do that.

Okay, if you want to leave her, have the courage to go see a marriage counselor together and you all two go sit down and you look her in the eye and say I'm leaving. But if you use that as a move or as a way to kind of control a room or a conversation or if it's something you say when you're feeling depressed or you're feeling low, you got to work on that man because it's it's destabilizing in your home. The next call for both of you today is that y'all both need to call a marriage counselor and commit to getting in there before this week is over. We're recording this episode on a Monday. My hope is you are seeing somebody by Friday of this week. Cancel what you have to cancel, take some time off of work, find some childcare and let's go sit down and start rebuilding this thing.

But do I believe you'll have the ability to rebuild it? 1000%. Thanks for the call, Tess and Michael. I love you guys. Call anytime if I can help. All right, we come back. We're going to talk to a man who is at odds with his wife over a major life decision. Hang with us.

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That's me being like begging. I don't want to be desperate, but I kind of am. Kelly, would you describe me as desperate? You took way too long to answer that question. No, because I'm trying to think. I'm trying to think of like, I was like trying to think through different facets for a quick, but no, I don't. But like, is there any place I find would think you're as desperate, but no.

For five star reviews, yes. Oh, for five star reviews, yes. Probably. There's YouTube subscriptions. Yeah. Do a lot of things for Klondike Bar. I'll do a lot. Oh, for five star reviews, yes, probably. YouTube subscriptions, yes. Yeah. Do a lot of things for Klondike Bar. I'll do a lot.

There's not a lot I won't do for Klondike Bar. I remember a great guy, he was awesome back in high school. His name is Matt Kerridge and we used to talk about like, what would you do for a million dollars? I used to always just ruin the conversation because it was like, bro, you put a million dollars, there is just Yeah, the list of things I won't do it's it's good brief limb for a million bucks. That's a lot of money Yeah

Not a lot. Yeah Las Vegas, let's talk to Mike. What's up, Mike? Las Vegas! Let's talk to Mike! What's up Mike? Hi, how's it going? Hey, what would you...is there...like, give me...well, let's don't do that. I was just going to ask you what you would or wouldn't do for a million dollars, but you're from Vegas, so... I'm just...let's just call it. What's up brother? Yeah. Uh, yeah.

Yeah, Vegas, a million dollars actually doesn't get you that far. Yeah, I know. That's like two months water bill for you. Okay, so what's up brother? Yeah, my question is how can I help my wife do this next phase of our marriage? That's a that's already a dicey question. Yeah, that's a being no more children in the house. being no more children in the house. For context, we have three under five. And after our first one, we had discussed the possibility

of fostering, possibly adopting, and we took a lot of steps toward it. And then she got pregnant with our second one. So that kind of got put on the back burner. And then we discussed a little bit after our second one, but not as in depth. And then she got pregnant with our third one. And now that we've had our third one for a year, it's gotten brought back up to possibly of adopting or fostering. And in my mind, our house is full. We don't have room. I don't even know how that would be possible.

How's that conversation gone when you say that? It's gone. It's gone, what I think as well. But then we usually come to an agreement. She says that she understands. She understands my point of view and that it does make sense what I'm saying. And then something happens, usually something regarding social media, or she sees them on the news. And then next thing you know, I'm getting ads for local adoption agencies and, and, and children that are up for adoption. Or one of the issues is our house was small.

I'll get ads for bigger houses. And it's just, I don't even know what to do. I don't even know how to respond to those. Pete Slauson What do you do for a living? Brian I work in the power industry. Pete Slaus. Okay. So, you live in a very expensive part of the country and I'm assuming, well, I don't want to make an assumption. Tell me how you do financially.

Pretty well financially. One thing we've been doing, I've been trying to do, we should stay at home, so it's just my income. How much did you make a year? Last year I made $110. Okay. Which after you factor out everything with the cost of inflation, that's a good salary, but you're not living high on the hog with three kids in a small house in Las Vegas. No, we got into the market pretty well.

So luckily our mortgage is pretty low. But if we were to move, you're talking it would double. Yeah. So a couple of things here. Because here's what I'm hearing. I hear two things. One, you're asking for what's a way that, like what are some ways you can communicate better

to your wife? As of right now, I'm finished with adding to this family. I wanna be happy and whole with the family we got. We got three healthy kids, let's be happy about that. And it sounds like you've tried in your way to have that conversation and it just doesn't seem to be clicking through. The second thing I'm hearing is every time you get an ad for a house, every time you

get like, hey, let's do this with kids. Hey, look at what we're not doing. There's some measure of, I don't know, any husband that doesn't want to give his wife the house she wants or the dreams, right? And it feels like for you, every time you exhale, the finish line for satisfied wife is moving on you. Does that sound right? Yeah, I would say that's accurate.

Or it's a way that without meaning to, your wife can be telling you on a day-to-day basis, you're not enough. Yes. Yeah. day-to-day basis, you're not enough. Yes. Yeah, not just that sometimes it makes me feel like even though I think this is just me but it's just how I hear it that like our family isn't enough. Yeah, there you go. There you go. And I don't believe that that's necessarily it. I don't think that's it. But sit in it for a second because you you're going to rationalize those feelings away without acknowledging them.

So it's one of those important things. It's hard. Whenever I say the word vulnerability, every lineman out in Las Vegas rolls their eyes and goes back to work in 110 degree heat, right? But that's what this is. It's you telling your wife, hey, every time you send me a house

that would double our house income, I wanna buy you that house. And this, we chose to have three kids right in a row and we chose that you were gonna stay home and I'm working my butt off out here in this heat and I'm doing all this work, but I don't make that kind of money. And it just makes me feel like I'm not enough for you.

That's what vulnerability means and that's a hard conversation because my guess is she would say oh my gosh no no no no it's not what I was saying but that's how you bring it together instead of I wish you'd quit sending me these texts now you're in a fight. One is hey man like I feel like you're not happy with this amazing family that we've created together. That's part one. Tell me what that sounds like when you hear it. Yeah, I do agree with that.

Part of it, I think with steps we've made recently, as far as like, I'm trying to pay down debt and things that I don't know if it's financially would it be a possibility possibly but I don't want to lose income or I don't want it to be suffering in other ways because I'm having to pay double the mortgage. That's it right there that's it so here's what you're doing you're choosing piece over square footage. Yeah, and that's what the ad and she sends me it's Like the data means like yeah, take them off put them all in the house. Of course it is. Of course I'm the same way right? It's so but I think it's about sitting down saying hey us as a couple our marriage has completely

Changed we have a different marriage now. We have three kids We added We added a hundred marriage now. We have three kids. We added 100% plus to this house. Right? Yeah. And so let's have a conversation about what our values are. I value peace. And that means living in a smaller house, it's a little more chaotic, it's a little

more crazy, but that I don't have to lose sleep every minute of every night that I'm not going to be able to make this mortgage or if this company downsizes or if, or if, or if who knows. Yeah. Right? And she may say, no, no, no, I want to solve for seven foster kids. Well, y'all need to have that conversation, right? Here's the second big thing that I feel is kind of floating over this whole conversation. Often in families where somebody really wants to foster, really wants to adopt,

and you're able to have your own biological kids like y'all have been able to, there tends to be one of those conversations that's pictures and words. You're both using the same words, but you're actually saying different things. You're meaning different things My guess is adoption and fostering is

An is an internal meaning-making Purpose for her One of these things she was put on the planet to do is to care for those that nobody will care for Yeah, I agree with that because she was adopted herself. There you go. She, you know, conventional. Sure, sure. Not conventional, she was, you know, from a, like she had no parents. It was her stepdad adopted her.

Right, but even then, like, there's this sense of, I got adopted by this amazing stepdad, and I'm just assuming he's amazing, but raised her, she met you, a good guy, a great man, a guy who takes care of the family, allows her to stay at home financially because you make enough money for that to happen. You work your butt off, you come home sweaty and hot, whatever, and there's that sense of internal guilt

she may have. I owe this to the universe. And somebody did this for me. I have to go do this to make the universe right. And in your mind, it's a spreadsheet issue. We have this many kids in this many rooms and this much money. And do you see how real quick you talk past each other?

Yeah, yeah, I can see that. And so it's really digging into not about can we have another kid or not have another kid. That's the proxy. The real conversation is taking her out for breakfast and saying, hey, the idea of adoption, the idea of fostering. Tell me what that feels like in your chest. Like when you think of fostering, when you think of I have to do this,

or I need to do this, tell me about that. Because it might be something that you say in 10 years, or five years, when every kid can go to the bathroom and wipe themselves, we may be in a place where we can reengage this conversation. Yeah, I could definitely sit her down and we'd have that conversation. Well, don't sit her down. You'll both go sit down. Sit down.

Yeah, I said that. I'm messing with you. I'm messing with you. But do you get what I'm saying? Yeah, I get what you're saying. And then at the same time, you being vulnerable and saying, hey, every time you send me one of these things, I look at our three beautiful kids and think, oh man, these aren't enough for you.

Because it may be a chaotic life that she lives all day, every day. And this is gonna sound awful the way I'm connecting these, but it may just be pornography, it's distraction. It's somebody looking at a different kind of life because the life they have is so overwhelming. It's a way to numb out. And this would add some excitement.

This, like it's when people have three kids under the age of five and they get a dog. Like, what are you doing? It's like, well, we're just trying to add more. Cause we're looking for aliveness, because it's hard. Yeah, and that's actually come up too. It seems it just transfers over to something else. The last, our last conversation was

who wanted to get another dog? We have one. Okay, so- We're talking a $5,000 dog. Yeah, let's don't do that. So what I'm hearing is, y'all going in and basically doing the deck clearing exercise, which is like proverbially, like pretend,

take your arm and swipe it over a dining, like a table at a local diner there in Vegas and just say, okay, we have three little kids under this age. None of them can get in and out of the shower by themselves or maybe one and just barely. Yeah, none of them can get in and out of the shower by themselves or maybe one and just barely. Yeah, I wonder what's like, we've created a chaotic world and you and me, we have to come first.

And I'm slowly finding myself wanting to be at work a little bit longer. You're finding yourself kind of feeling dead in your own skin. Let's back all the way out of this thing and start asking the big raw questions again, like we did when we were getting married. What must be true for you and me to feel alive in this house? What must be true for us to be so happy when we're at home? Because another dog is not going to do that. Another foster kid is not going to do that. Not at this stage.

You get what I'm saying? Yeah. Yeah, I understand. It just seems like it just keeps coming back. It's just weird. Well, that's where you get, you have to get really tactical. I'm asking you, honey, to stop sending me these things. Or if you send them, I'm just going to delete them because I choose to feel less than when I see it. And I'm going to, I'm going to opt out of that for a while.

Okay, so be more direct. Well, here's what you're doing. As the great Dr. Kennedy says, a boundary requires nothing of another person. It's simply you saying, I don't want to see these anymore. I can't right now in this season because all of my energy is focused on loving you saying, I don't wanna see these anymore. I can't right now in this season because all of my energy is focused on loving you well, loving these kids well and providing for this family. And so every time I see these, I get all out of sorts.

I wanna take every kid home. I wanna move them into a house we don't even own yet that we couldn't even afford if we could, if you know me, like I have to opt out of that so that I can completely focus on you guys. And so I'm asking you to not send me any, but I'm telling you, I'm not gonna look at any more of these.

I'm just gonna delete them. Okay. If it's after our conversation, if it does continue then. But I mean, I think it's being clear about, you can ask, would you please stop sending these to me? Yeah, I think it's being clear about you can ask would you please stop sending these to me? Yeah, I have okay Yeah, I haven't it's it's come back. So that the next question is asking Hey, this is just me being curious not judgmental judgmental would be I told you to quit sin. We're not gonna do that

Curious is hate. I've been real clear These make me feel uncomfortable. They make me feel less than. I just want to focus on who we got and you keep sending them. What am I missing here? Yeah, I can definitely do that if it does come up. As far as for the transference of it, same thing, just be more. What do you mean, what do you mean transference? That's an old Freud term. What do you mean?

As far as, as far as it started with the adoption and then because we talked that and talked about that and we kind of, well, I did at least, agree that that wasn't what we were going to do and then it it transferred to well since and She has said at one time that it upset me But well since we're not gonna have a fourth child. Can we get a different house or? Since we're not gonna have a fourth child. Can we get another dog? Yeah, and that's again that it's not about the house It's not about the dogs. I'm about the house. It's not about the dog. It's not about the kid.

It's about somebody in their own language crying out. I'm not happy in the life I've co-created. And it's the same conversation I would have with another guy about adding a car or another gun or another guitar. That's me talking to myself here. Like adding another trip or another, like it's always this idea that the piece is on the acquisition of another thing. Yeah. Okay.

If this was just the kid, if it was just about adoption, that's a, that's a different path. Okay. I get not feeling whole until you have this picture of your family complete in your mind. I get that. This is just, it's playing whack-a-mole with I need another thing Because I don't feel complete in my own skin and that's where I want you guys to spend your energy and Often by accusing her you don't feel that's not helpful because she'll she's probably been feeling this way for a long time It's about you saying hey, I want to love you better. And here's what I'm feeling from you. I'm feeling like you're not happy with the house

that we've created. And that every time we exhale and we have this amazing new kid who's healthy and we get another amazing new kid who's healthy. And I get a little bit of a raise and we get another little kid. The finish line always moves, which tells me you're hurting inside.

Tell me about it. And let's start there. Which tells me you're hurting inside tell me about it and let's start there And give her an opportunity to talk about These obsession with eating to add eating to add needing to add needing to add Start there my brother and holler back at me and I'm happy to talk to you anytime or her if y'all both want to call Me back and we talked both together But let me tell you this she's lucky to have you We can talk both together. But let me tell you this, she's lucky to have you.

You sound like a guy who loves her deeply and who loves other people deeply and who's got a heart for kids who need to be adopted and fostered. And yet you've got these three amazing kids of your own that you're trying to figure out what day it is because there's so much chaos in your house. I love it. I love it. I love it. I think it's about honoring the fact that your marriage is totally different now, brother.

And we get to reimagine it today for the first time. Today's day one. Go make it happen, brother. Appreciate you. All right. Coming up next, we will hear from a woman who is concerned about her kids playing with the neighbor kids. We'll be right back.

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All right, we're back Flint, Michigan. Let's talk to Emily. Hey, Emily, what's up? Hi, how are you? I'm doing great. How about you? I'm surviving the Monday. Sounds like somebody's got a case of the... Alright, so what's up?

I have a question, and it is, how do I tell my kids that we can't really hang out with our neighbors anymore due to their son bullying my daughter and there's been some, there was a really inappropriate comment and I'm not sure how to go about this. So I am very thankful I get to talk to you today. I appreciate it. Hope I can shed some light on it. So what was the inappropriate comment? What happened?

Well, we were all outside hanging out and my daughter comes running over. Well, who is we? Who is we? Oh, I'm sorry. Me and my neighbors, we were all outside. I have four kids. She has two. Okay.

And my eight-year-old daughter comes running over saying that her son asked her to pull her pants down and show him her butt. How old is this? How old are these kids? Seven. Okay. And I'm not quite sure on what to do about this. Did you tell his parents?

His mom was actually over. What did she say? And she just said she was sorry and that his sister's been doing that at home. And then she like yelled at him to apologize and that was that. But I didn't really, she hasn't talked to me really since. And then like with the bullying, we've brought it up and she just goes, oh, they're just, you know, they just pick her back and forth because they're like each other. Tell me about, Tell me about bullying. Well, she's always telling her how she's a loser or makes fun of her because she has

to wear glasses or, oh, you'll never be a good gymnast. He's actually recently started giving her the middle finger. So it's kind of started to escalate a little bit. And I'm just, you know, we've used some tools that I've heard from your Podcasts of like try to be nice to him. Just ignore all and it seems like nothing's working Yeah, I enjoy hanging out with his little sister. So Yeah, so I mean, I think it's as simple as saying I as your mom my one job is to keep you safe.

And it's about sitting down and this is one of those eye level conversations because it takes the hierarchy away from a kid parent dynamic and it just said it signals to a kid's nervous system, I'm with you here. Okay. Whenever I have a hard conversation, my daughter's a little bitty, whenever I have a conversation with her, I always get eye level with her. My son is now taller than me, so I have to get on a stool when I have a hard conversation my daughter's a little bitty whenever I have a conversation with her I always get eye level with her My son is now taller than me. So I have to get on a stool when I have hard conversation, but with my daughter It's a very eye level and in this case I would point to her head and I would point to her

Chest I'd say it's my job to keep you safe Okay in your mind and in your heart and to keep you safe in your mind and in your heart. And at her age, I would say, I am no longer going to allow you to be with somebody that's gonna ask you to show you your private parts. I'm not gonna allow you to be around somebody who calls you names and is ugly to you. Okay.

How do I? Hold on. Let me say, I'm going to just, this is kind of like a teaching thing for everybody listening. Here's where this is important. You are taking responsibility from that kid, from your daughter. What we don't want your daughter to walk away from this exchange feeling is like she did something wrong. Okay. And so you're saying, I'm stepping in and I am doing this.

Not, well, you told me he did this so you can't play there anymore. This is you saying, no, no, I am gonna, I'm not letting this happen to you. And there's a big difference there. Okay, that makes a lot of sense because I did tell her when she came up to me, I was like, thank you so much for telling us you're not in trouble. And the weather's been pretty rough here.

So thankfully we haven't been able to like see them. How do I go about telling my my six year old son that he can't move now? Because they're all like intermingled together. That's the hard part. Yeah, I mean, the whole thing's gonna be tough. To be honest, it's just all gonna be tough. There's not an easy way out. Oh no.

For someone who's six, it's gonna be, and by the way, this is gonna be a huge pain in the butt for you, okay? Yeah. It'll be as simple and as hard, right? It's kind of like, how do you lose weight? Like diet and exercise, like it'll be as simple and as hard, right? It's kind of like how do you lose weight? Like diet and exercise, like it's simple but it's impossible, right? So this will be similar to you'll have to stay in our yard and we're not having anybody over today. But I want to play with some, like nope, no one's

coming over. Or we're going to the park, just us. Right, okay. Because I can say another problem is they love to come over and they like, you know, kids are kids. They never listen, you know, they don't listen sometimes. So they're always coming over to our house. But it's simply a saying is like Timmy and Susie was no, not even have to go. You tell those kids because they clearly aren't getting any boundaries at home. Okay. They get no boundaries, no aren't getting any boundaries at home.

They get no boundaries, no boundaries, and then a parent yells at them. What you are going to have to do is impose those boundaries on those kids. They come just ding-dong on the door at 630 in the morning on Saturday. You say, Timmy and Susie are not going to be playing with you guys today. Hope you'll have a great day. Why not? We want to play. Yeah, they're not going to be playing with you guys today. Hope you'll have a great day. Why not? We want to play. Yeah, they're not going to be able to play with you today.

Thank you so much. Have a great day. Okay. That makes a lot of sense. And it's not your seven year olds or your eight year olds job. Now here's like a fine line here because I want to make sure I'm not talking out of both sides of my mouth. If there is a next door neighbor who's seven and your daughter's eight, and there's teasing,

there's poking at each other, there's some, I don't say making fun of each other, but a little bit of making fun of each other. There is some, I'm not just going to run in and rescue a kid from that. I might ask my daughter at home, well, how does it make you feel when he says that? It makes me feel yucky. What do you do when you feel yucky? Right? So I'm going to walk them through and I'm not going to steal this moment from them, but I'm going to empower them. The moment a kid starts mocking my child's appearance being being you're fat, you have to wear glasses, you're too skinny, you're too flat-chested.

The moment a kid comes over and starts swearing or flipping my kid off, and then the mother load, the moment a kid tries to engage in my kid sexually, out, I'm out, bye. Yeah. Bye. And here's the thing, the parent's response tells me everything I need to know,

which is they're embarrassed, they're ashamed, they're gonna yell and they're gonna move on like they do with everything else. Right, and that's where I was like, am I making this a huge thing or not? Cause I'm like, this seems very off. Yes. It's not off for kids to be curious.

Right. And that's what I was wondering, if it was a curiosity thing. But it has escalated a lot. And it's like, OK, I don't mind teasing like you said, because kids do, I feel like they do need to learn how to handle bullies because there I'm I still get bullied. That's right. So do I yes, so do I so That's life. Yes

Yeah, I want to be able to teach them especially We homeschooled too. So like they they don't have like the interaction at school. I mean we do all this other stuff So it's like okay. I Want them to get as much experience as they can, but I want them to know that they're safe at home. Right. That's exactly right. And so it goes back to that I'm going to keep you safe here.

Exactly. Okay. And they're also, I'm going to try to say this in a not dorky way, but when I'm coming to bullying, I look for power hierarchies and kids who are trapped. So if a neighborhood kid says something mean to my kid in the same neighborhood, they're not trapped. My kid can leave, right?

My kid can walk away. That kid, I can call their parents and they can make their kid go inside. In a schoolyard, a child is trapped. They can't leave. And so they're constantly under this sense of threat. I'm going to hit you after school. You're disgusting. You're gross. I'm telling everybody jokes at your expense. And so there's this emotional cloud that hangs over that exchange and you can't escape it because you have to go to school and you have to sit in your chair that that teacher said you have to sit in. Or you're on that, that little league team and everyone makes fun of you. Everyone calls you fat. Everyone makes fun of your freckles. They won't stop. It's pervasive, right? Right. And so yes, if your kid can escape, if your kid has an out, then awesome. Let's use those outs, but let's use these as teaching moments

to say, doesn't it feel good? Does it? No. And then you can choose to not play. You can stay over here. We're going to do this kind of stuff over here. Or we're all going to the park. And by the way, that's going to mean you're not just sitting out in the lawn chair and watching your kids run around the neighborhood,

which is how it's supposed to be, by the way. Yeah. That means you're not just sitting out in the lawn chair and watching your kids run around the neighborhood Which is how it's supposed to be by the way Yeah, that means you have to load them up all in the van and you're gonna have to go play at a park for a couple days a week this summer Okay, and that's annoying but it's just gonna be a shift when it comes to Curiosity when it comes to sexuality and kids, man, I just watched that really carefully because seven-year-olds can be insane predators too. Okay. And it's just a fine line.

And if that seven-year-old had that switch flipped by an older parent, by an older sibling, by an aunt or uncle, by a younger sibling, then man, it just becomes this, that's what they see in the world. And it can be just a fifth grader wanting to see a sixth grader's like bottom, right? It can be that too.

You're just not gonna do it on my kid. Right. But what- 25. So let's reverse it. Let's pretend you had a little boy and he went and did that to the neighborhood girl. I probably would not include the girl in the conversation, but I would definitely include that girl's parent

and you and your son. And we would say this very inappropriate. We do not ask other kids to see their private parts. And we would probably read the book together. Some parts are not for touching. I don't remember the exact name of it. We'll link to it in the show notes here. But I would have that direct conversation. That didn't happen in this case. Right. Yeah, I'm not sure if they talked to them. They said they did, but I really not

really, I didn't really get like a formal like, hey, I'm so sorry, like, at all that. And I still haven't really talked to him what I get the embarrassing part Moral parents just trying to do what's best for our kids. So I totally understand that Yeah, but when our kids hurt something like I went across the street when my dog went sprinting across it Terrified a woman in her chill tethered. I went knocked on the door said man. I'm so sorry Yeah, and so that's kind of that's that's also part of being an adult That's very true. And so you absent information. It's not your job to go searching for it Hey, what did you say to your son is my daughter safe? That's their job is to come knock on your door and say dude

I just need to follow up. I'm so sorry. Here's what we're doing. Here's what happened Here's the steps we're taking for that to not happen again if it does happen again like So absent that information you've got to go with the information you have and that is there's a kid over there that constantly telling my daughter she's not enough, she's ugly, she's not successful, something's wrong with her physical features. Oh, and by the way, take her pants off. I'm out.

Yeah. That was our thought is, okay, we got to figure this one out and definitely probably going to cut, you know, not spend time over there anymore. And so it's just, this has been so helpful. Thank you. But, and again, the last, let me say this one more time. And this is, this is more for the audience and is for you because I'm confident you got this.

When this first conversation happens, I want you to make sure you use the words, my number one job is to keep you safe. And so I am pulling the plug on this, not you. And like, and basically what you're telling this eight year old is I'm taking away your autonomy here. I'm stepping in, but I want to play. It's not fair. Oh my God.

You know, it's... Yep, I have one job and that's to keep you safe. And her nervous system will thank you. Okay. Yeah, those words are a lot better than how I was trying to word it. No, it's okay, it's okay. It's just, it's a hard thing to know what to say, right? But it's too big of a decision for an eight-year-old little girl to make.

Yeah, especially trying to explain to her how it's not okay to have somebody ask you that. If you haven't already, this is a great opportunity to teach her about bathing suit parts. Yes, I actually, like a couple weeks before that, I heard your podcast about that, and I just talked to her about it, and then this incident happened.

So it was like kind of wonderful on that aspect. That's awesome. Well, and good for you mom, because so many parents ignored that conversation and so good. And it might be good to follow up and say, how did it make you feel when he asked you that? Right.

And let her align her feelings with being scared and being uncomfortable. And then you have a great teaching moment to say like, hey, following your gut was the right thing. I'm so proud of you. And then when this happens again, when she's 18, you might take her out and say, I'm gonna tell you about a time I didn't follow my gut.

And she's not ready for that conversation yet, but- Right. But you're beginning to teach her those things that you may or may not have got when you were a little girl, which is this is how systems change. This is how family trees change right here. Right. That's, yeah.

Trying to think not to think when she's 18 already. Hey, man. It's getting home so fast. I just looked up and my, I only got a few years left with my little one and he's not so little anymore and I just came to think about her. I'll start crying. So can I just applaud you for wanting to do the next great thing with your kids and also for not being over helicopter-y and like all of it.

You're doing such great work and I'm grateful that you reached out and that I got to sit with you during this one. This conversation is going to help a whole bunch of parents, especially entering into the summer. I'm really grateful for you. Awesome. Thank you for your help. Blessings to you guys. Go get them and call me anytime. I can help, man. And maybe I'm going to reach out to some of you because I've got my own kids and sometimes I don't know what to do. All right, we'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp.

More and more people are becoming aware of the need for mental health resources, physical health resources, and more. Whether it's finally taking action with their physical health, finally getting some friends to do life with, or finally getting the courage to seek professional mental health support. But when it comes to seeing a therapist, over a quarter of the people surveyed say they avoid getting therapy due to the fear of judgment. I personally understand this. I felt that same sense of judgment before I finally got the courage to ask for help.

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Visit betterhelp.com slash deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash deloney. All right, we're back with a money and marriage question. This is a doozy, I love this one. How can I change my mindset after having an emotionally draining night with the kids? We just end up sitting on the couch on our phones.

Kelly, when you hear the phrase, how do I change my mindset after having an emotionally draining night with the kids? I wanna make sure I'm hearing this one right. What do you think when you hear the phrase, how do I change my mindset after having an emotionally draining night with the kids? I want to make sure I'm hearing this one right. What do you think when you hear that? I think like, you know, they were a lot that night. They were, didn't want to go to bed. They're fighting, depending upon how old they are.

They're fighting. They're not doing what they're told. It's just one of those nights where you're just, you just fall on the couch. You got your butt kicked. Yeah. You lost. Yeah. You were like, what just happened? So that You got your butt kicked. Yeah. You lost. Yeah. You were like, what just happened?

Yes. So that's what I think of. Okay. Do you agree? Yeah. That's how I heard it too. Yeah. Here's my, just my rule of thumb.

I don't ever want to fall off the wagon, but I don't mind climbing down the wagon and rolling around in the mud. I don't mind hitching myself to the wagon and going, hiya, and letting it drag me around a little bit. I don't mind that, but the key word here is intentional. And so I think it's important after one of these emotionally draining nights, I still have them, where me and my wife look at each other

and we're like, oh, can't make words, just tiring. The key word here is intentional. We are intentionally going, man, we just got our butts kicked. And honestly, that's not even the night to think through it. Cause that's when you're like, I'm gonna tell that kid tomorrow that they can never, that's not a good night, time to do that.

And then intentionally say, I wanna spend 15 minutes on my phone, just stare off into space and then I'll come back. I'm going to intentionally go for a walk. I'm going to intentionally go take a shower. Let's curl up. This is how we do it at my house. On these nights we get our butts kicked.

It's often one person will say, I need to go to bed early tonight. And the other person will say, gotcha. Or one of us will say, Hey, you in for a Brooklyn Nine-Nine? You got an office rerunning yet? Let's just sit down. That's us saying, we got our butts kicked today. We're tired, but we're intentionally going to spend 30 minutes with our lives paused.

And then when that show is over, we turn off the TV and we get back up and we then make our way to what comes next And so it's all about intentionality Otherwise like this says so eloquently we just end up sitting on the couch on our phones and You're both wondering who got their butt kicked more Maybe he's wondering like well She's still gonna want to you know party cuz I sent her that text earlier today And she's maybe sitting there going if I just sit here, maybe he'll go clean up and like you just, you're

not intentional with what you say next. And the day just kind of fades away into this. And then yeah, if you look up that can become one, two, five, 10, 20 years of your life. Intentionality. I want to live a life that I don't have to numb my way out of, but there are times after you get your bell rung in a boxing match when you got to stop for a minute and step out of the ring and regroup. Intentional. Great question, great question. Love you guys. Bye.