The Dr. John Delony Show - I Don't Feel Anything for My Newborn Baby

Episode Date: July 9, 2021

The Dr. John Delony Show is a caller-driven show that offers real people a chance to be heard as they struggle with relationship issues and mental health challenges. John will give you practical advice on how to connect with people, how to take the next right step when you feel frozen, and how to cut through the depression and anxiety that can feel so overwhelming. You are not alone in this battle. You are worth being well—and it starts by focusing on what you can control. Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show. We want to talk to YOU!   Show Notes for this Episode   How do I deal with resentment and indifference in my marriage? We just had our first baby and I don’t feel anything for him. He’s loud and he eats all the time. Was told wife had some mental health issues before we got married. But now they are much more than she let on. How do I cope? Lyrics of the Day: "Every Rose Has Its Thorn" - Poison   As heard on this episode:  BetterHelp Redefining Anxiety John's Free Guided Meditation Ramsey+   tags: anger/resentment/bitterness, marriage, relationships, ADHD, parenting, kids, disagreement/conflict   These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.`

On today's show, we talk to an incredible wife and mother who is struggling with resentment in her marriage and she doesn't know what to do. We also talk to a brand new father who has a new little baby and he doesn't really like him. Stay tuned. Hey, what's up? It's John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. So glad that you're joining us.

Man, this is a show that will lift you up. Just like Kelly was lifting me up right before we went live. This is a direct quote. Man, John, you'd be good looking if it wasn't for your body and your face. I thought we were all about honesty on this show. Nope. I'm going to take what you said and twist it and make it sound like that's what you meant. You're a treasure.

You know that? For your skin and your teeth and your face and your upper body thanks kelly love you and also with you hey man you got to put that brick down don't throw it at me just put it down i am actually going to call my own show here in a few weeks and because i need to talk to myself because i live in a hostile working but i don't i live with i work with great people. And so, hey, we're so glad that you joined us. We talk about literally everything on the show, including my physical defects,

of which I didn't know how many I had until I started working here. Talking about your mental health, relationships, everything, right? So give me a call at 1-844-693-3291. That's 1-844-693-3291. Leave a message and let me know what you want to talk about, and we will get you on the show. Or you can go to our new web address at johndeloney.com slash ask. A-S-K. johndeloney.com slash ask.

Fill out the form, and it will go right to Kelly. She'll probably hit delete, but she might not. Hey, so cool, cool news. We got an email from Brian from Norfolk, UK. Across the pond. Hello, everyone. Is that right? Bryn?

Oh, I just thought they didn't use consonants over there. I mean, I thought they didn't use vowels. No, that's millennials. So, Mr. Bryn from Norfolk, UK. Here's what he says. Is that right? Hello, Dr. D. That's not right.

That doesn't sound good. Please stop. Just read it. Hi, Dr. D. On your most recent episode to go out on your YouTube channel, you didn't end with a song because the show had been particularly heavy. It made sense, but I came away feeling particularly heavy myself, and I'm not sure why.

Thinking it through, I realized you left the closure loop open. Dude, you should go to grad school, man. Genius. I'm a longtime listener, and I'm used to the harrowing stories that get on your show. But when you end with song lyrics, it's like a little indicator to compose myself and remind myself these aren't my emotions and pains I'm feeling. There's somebody else's. It's almost Pavlovian. Oh my gosh, you are in grad school. So when the episode finished without the lyrics,

it was likely my brain never got the message to release this stuff that didn't belong to me. You're allowed to finish your show however you want, but it's just an interesting moment of self-reflection. Dude, you are right. Bryn from Norfolk, UK, you're right. So here's my commitment. I will do some sort of song at the end of every show just to close the loop and let us all say, we can all put that down and then go on about our days new and with more information. I like that, man. That's awesome.

So thanks for sending this in. If you have something you want to send in, I love it, man. I love the emails. Send them to me at askjohn at ramsaysolutions.com, johndeloney.com slash ask. All right, let's go to the phones. Let's go to Andy in Salt Lake City, Utah.

Hey, Andy, what's up? Hi, Dr. John. How are you? I'm good. Hey, is there a song? I don't think there's a song about Salt Lake City. I'm going to look it up on the internets after the show. You don't even have to answer that. So, hey, what's going on? How can I help? So, I wanted to call today to ask you to elaborate on something that you say on your show a lot and as well as on Dave's show, which is resentments like the death of a relationship. And I was hoping you'd go a little bit deeper on that. What happens if your marriage is inching closer and closer to that? And just how to deal with that, how to extend grace.

I love that question. I do say that a lot. I don't ever explain it. So I appreciate you asking that. This sounds uniquely personal to you. So tell me what's going on in your life. It is very personal. I've been married for 11 years.

My husband is wonderful. I think he, um, carries a lot of, I don't know if it's a factor of his ADHD or PTSD, but he changes a lot. And I feel like it's a part of him not being content with himself. So whether it's big personality changes or big purchases or just big life moves because he's not content and it's tiring. Sometimes it's tiring. A lot of the times, um, more, I more need structure and need stability. Um, and I don't feel like I'm getting that. And I feel like, um, I just, I have a hard time extending grace when I see him basically flailing. And it's really hard. It's been hard on our marriage.

Thanks for sharing that. That's hard. Have you ever sat down and said, I need some more stability? I have. How did that go? Yeah. well i have how did that go yeah um it really it really gets through because i think he sees it too but that's to the extent that it gets to and then he comes up with another idea of how we could get through that part where because i I really open up when I'm just really struggling.

We moved away from, you know, a lot of support system that I had, even though his work is so demanding. And so he's not home a lot. And so I'm really struggling right now. And so I reach out to him and I say, this is, I need more support. I need more stability. And so he'll come up with some new idea or new way, or he'll want to give up a lot of different things. And that's the extent of it. And I find myself really struggling to trust new ideas, new endeavors, new everything, even though he seems so excited about things, because as soon as he gets there, he finds himself miserable again. And so anymore,

I feel like I give a lot of pushback on those things. Well, in many ways, you sound like you are frustrated with yourself. And so if somebody's telling you they're going to do something and they don't do it or they tell you hey I've got a solution to this I realize you feel untethered I realize I moved you halfway across the country to go do something and so I'm going to do these three things that are going to help

and they don't do those things or they do them for a minute and then they change that's called lying it's dishonest, it's not truthful and so I don't want you to beat yourself up for being frustrated. Okay. I don't want you to beat yourself up for feeling lonely or feeling exhausted. Those are all real, real, real. Okay. The challenge is when you slip over into resentment, right? All resentment is,

is when you believe that you're being left out, that you're not being treated fairly, that you're not being treated in a way that you believe you deserve. That's what resentment is, right? That you are left out of the party. Nobody's holding, nobody's having the firework shows in your honor. That's what resentment is. And then when you start believing that this is about me, I'm being left out, treated poorly. I'm the one being doormatted here. Then you start connecting what looks like seemingly random pieces of information, right? Shoes by the door, 30 minutes late here. Remember that time he hooked up with that woman before we were even dating.

Remember, I mean, it all bundles together. And when you go looking for something, especially when you're looking for resentment, you'll find it all day, every day. He didn't put the cup exactly the way it goes. He didn't do the dishwasher on purpose he did all these things take this personal bent to him right and then all of a sudden you're setting yourself on fire just so other people can see the smoke right yeah and living with somebody who's not honest with you living with somebody who's not in love or not honoring of themselves and so they're always chasing and they're always he's a schemer is that who he is he's always got a thing yes what's he do for a living he's in law enforcement yeah okay always

got a plan a new thing hey i talked to this guy hey i met these guys and we're gonna is that guy is that what he does yeah okay and he's got a incredibly demanding job that never stops right it's 24 7 365 and he comes home experiencing or living with other people's trauma all day every day so he doesn't have to plug back in and all sudden you're lonely and it just cycles that way right Right. So there's an old Esther Perel quote that I just love and I'm going to butcher it a little bit, but the gist of it is adults have two to three, three to four deeply committed monogamous relationships in their adult life. And if they work really hard, they're with the same person. And where you are right now is right on the precipice. You're starting to choose resentment.

And I use that word intentionally. It's a choice to see all of the things that are happening as personal attacks on you. Not that your husband is flailing and that he's really struggling and that he may be feeling a lot of shame because he took a job away from fill in the blank, or he doesn't know how to deal with the trauma of his job, or it's all has looped back to become about you. And that happens when we're lonely. It happens when we're disconnected. It happens when we're frustrated. It happens when we're exhausted, when we're being traumatized, etc. But when you start choosing resentment, then you are choosing to make a left turn out of this relationship. So you started the call by telling me your husband's wonderful.

I haven't heard any of the wonderful part. Tell me what's wonderful about him. I think just his character. He is a man of great, great character. So far you've told me he's a guy that doesn't come through. I see that in certain aspects of him, but he's just a guy with deep, deep honor. I think that is why he is in the job that he is, and he was in the military before. He does love the serving aspect, and he does love the brotherhood aspect

and the honor, and he has honored me in a lot of other ways through, you know, some personal brokenness as well, which is why I want to, I don't want our marriage to end. I don't want, I want to love him through this. And I don't want to, because I do see him struggling. Yeah. Does he know, does he know he's struggling? I think he's starting to come around to it. Um, I think he sees, you know, there's some anxiety that has popped up in the last year or so. And so he's starting to see that things are catching up to him.

But I don't know that he knows how to work past them. And I don't want to not support him through it. But like you said, I understand what you say about choosing resentment. And I don't want to go that route. Because like I said, he has loved me through my own struggles early on in our marriage. And I want to do that for him. Does it make sense when I'm saying that you start looking for it, and then ultimately you start seeing it? Absolutely.

There are things that 10 years ago, 11 years ago would have never, exactly. Yeah. It has nothing, like he leaves his pants over the back of the chair. Like that had nothing to do with you, but it feels like, man, he's just sitting in the middle of the living room, flipping you off in his whitey tighties, right? And it's what it feels like, right? And so here's what I would love for you to do. So I'm going to do two things. I'm going to send you three. I'm going to send you three copies of my Redefining Anxiety book for free. Okay? And I want you to read one.

I want you to give him one. It's like 60 pages or 80 pages. It's really simple, and it's short. Okay? And it has weirdly resonated with, not weirdly, it's a group I grew up with through law enforcement communities. And it's simple and it's direct, but here's what it will be for you. It'll be an avenue for you to talk to him. And it'll be an avenue for you to say, I'm in on this too. This isn't me poking at you saying you fix all this. And then I will, this is saying, Hey, I am arm and arm.

We are joined at the hip on this one. Cause we're, we're, we're in this thing together. And then I want you to provide him an Avenue where he can open up with you. What's he struggling with? Has he ever done that with you? In some ways about things here or there with his, I know there was a lot of trauma with his military experience and same with law enforcement.

Yeah. And if I ask, he shuts down. Okay. So it's really when he offers up stories here and there. Okay. And I don't always know what to do with them. That's right. Other than just listen.

It's easy to personalize that and say that he's leaving you out of the loop. What I will tell you is I know a lot of military guys have worked with military guys, worked with police officers, and a lot of time that is a, their way of loving you the best they know how, which is to protect you from some of the most awful things a human can ever see. Right. And so what it does is it does create a wedge and it does create secrets and it does create a gap in the relationship. But it's not done maliciously. Right. It's done caringly. And so you have to work with those couples on bringing them back together, talking in ways that each other can understand, but also not trying to just bring a dumpster fire to the living room. Right.

So I'm going to send you that book and I want you guys to read that thing together. I'm going to send you a third one that you can just give out to a friend of his or to somebody in your short circle that y'all can all start to have a common language. Okay. Here's what ultimately you need. I want you to think of the first 11 years. Y'all have been ride or die together. You've been with him through some hard stuff through military service.

He's walked, obviously walked alongside you during some hard things. Now he transitioned into a new place. I don't have a lot of community. He's in a stressful, stressful job. He's serving, serving, serving, serving. And so I want you to look at the first decade that y'all have been ride or die through. There's a period at the end of that one. And now what y'all get to do, and I say get to on purpose, y'all get to excavate that thing and recreate something totally new and amazing and awesome. That is still you two, but it's going to be a different picture and it's going to look differently. And y'all are going to respond to each other differently and you're going to ask for help differently. And you're both going to commit to going to see a marriage counselor together, which you both desperately need to do together.

He's going to work on dealing with the stuff he saw overseas. Y'all are going to begin a new phase. And that way you're not dragging this old relationship forward and trying to cram counseling or new ways of talking into an old way. Nope, it's a control-alt-delete. And you're going to listen and you're going to see those things. You're going to choose this. And it's so hard. It's something you've got to practice. You're going to choose this. And it's so hard.

It's something you've got to practice. You're going to choose to see the pants hanging over the back of the couch, curiously, not judgmentally. Does that make sense? You're going to ask him, hey, why do you have your pants on the couch? Would you want me to just move the closet out here? Is that super easy? You can choose that or you can choose that son of a he is right you can choose one of the one of the other or when he doesn't take his plate over um or he's 45 minutes late getting home and he smells like arby's and you just know he stopped on the way home right you know this you can choose hey do you hate my cooking is arby's really better than how i cook or you can choose to go to war with him you're gonna die and you're gonna right all that and i Or you can choose to go to war with him. You're going to die and you're going to, right?

All that. And I want you to begin to approach him curiously, not judgmentally. And this is going to be in decade two, the new decade for Andy and her hot cop husband, right? And you're going to listen to hear and not just formulate a response. To go to listen, you're going to listen to heal and not just find injustice, right? This is where you're both going to agree, hey, this was the first decade and we practiced and tried and collapsed and did good and had fun. And here's, we're going to level up to 2.0.

We're going to be highly intentional about it. Sounds like he's a man of high, high character, like you say he is. And he'd be all in if you sat down and said, here's what I want to do. And you can start with this little book of mine. You can start with a local community. I don't care what group you do, but you have to excavate what was and choose together to build something new, something where you're both alive. And that may mean he quits his job and y'all move. That may mean you go visit family. That may mean you go get a job. Who knows what that means?

Do y'all have kids too? We have two little girls. How old are they? My oldest is 10 and my other one's turning four on Friday. Oh, dude, you got the gap like I do. Are they awesome? They're so amazing. Okay.

Can I do something, Andy, that's not fair, but it's honest? Yes. You promise it's okay what I'm about to do because it's going to be not very cool? Yeah. Please don't teach them to resent their husbands. I'm trying. I know you are. I know you are. Please don't teach them resentment. Teach them that their vision is worthy, that their needs are worthy, that yelling and screaming and complaining solve nothing, and that it's okay to cry, it's okay to be hurt, it's okay to ask for more. It's okay to laugh and to be curious. It's okay to say, whoa, that was a fun decade. It was hard and it's time to do something new. Teach them all those things. Because you deserve that. They deserve that. Did somebody teach you resentment, Andy? Yeah. Yeah. So that forest fire stops with you. The one that is burned down through your family tree, it stops with you. Can I tell you this, Andy? I'm so proud of you.

What a stud. Thank you. Stops with you. Let's excavate and start this whole thing over. I'd love, love, love to talk to your husband if he ever wants to call the show. I'd love to talk to him. He sounds like an awesome guy.

And I love talking to police officers. Stay on the line. Kelly's going to get you a couple of copies of this book and we're going to get your family on the road to healing. All resentment is, again, for everybody, it's when we believe, and it could be true, we believe that we are not getting the recognition we deserve, we're not getting the celebration we deserve,

that the world is throwing a party and they left us out. And resentment is choosing to focus on that, on all of the things around me that aren't right, that aren't fair, that are being done against me in my home, in my, with my parents, with my whatever relationships, at work. And it's really hard to come back from resentment. And resentment travels from kid to kid. It just weaves its way through family systems and work systems, just all over the place. Don't choose resentment. I'd rather see somebody choose to walk away. I'd rather choose somebody, somebody choose to go be alive, go do

something wild and fun and crazy. Don't choose resentment because it's a forest fire that burns their family systems. Thank you so, so much for your call, Andy. We're gonna take a break. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. All right, October is the season for wearing costumes and masks. And if you haven't started planning your costume yet, get on it. I'm pretty sure I'm going as Brad Pitt in Fight Club era because, I mean, we pretty much have the same upper body, but whatever. All right, look, it's costume season. And let's be honest, a lot of us hide our true selves behind costumes and masks more often than we want to. We do this at work. We do this in

social setting. We do this around our families. We even do this with ourselves. I have been there multiple times in my life and it's the worst. If you feel like you're stuck hiding your true self, I want you to consider talking with a therapist. Therapy is a place where you can learn to accept all the parts of yourself, where you can learn to be honest with yourself, and you can take off the mask and the costumes and learn to live an honest, authentic, direct life. Costumes and masks should be for Halloween parties, not for our emotions and our true selves. If you're considering therapy, I want you to call my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy, and you can

talk with your therapist anywhere so it's convenient for your schedule. You just fill out a short online survey and you get matched with a licensed therapist. Plus, you can switch therapists at any time for no additional cost. Take off the costumes and take off the masks with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P.com slash Deloney. Hey, all right, we're back. Let's go to David in Austin, Texas. Hey, David, what's going on? Hey, Dr. Deloney. Good afternoon. I hope you're well. I'm good, man. How about you? Oh, well, I was doing great. I wouldn't be calling you, I think. I'm laughing with you, not at you, man.

Right. Cool. So what's up, brother? How can I help? All right. Here's my issue. My wife and I just had our first baby actually a month ago yesterday. And I... Hey, talk directly into the phone, David.

All right. Can you hear me better? Perfect. So you and your wife just had your first baby a month ago. How old are you? I'm 40. 40? All right. You're in it now, brother. All right. So you just had your first baby, and now what? Well, I'm finding out I don't really like him. It's not that I dislike him, but he's like a little appliance that needs food and diaper changing. And this paternal feeling that I'm supposed to feel, it hasn't arrived yet. And I know something's wrong and I don't know how to approach fixing it.

Can I just tell you something, man? Yes. You're a brave dude. And I have heard what you just said so many times, and it's a giant secret that drowns new parents. And so I want to high-five you and applaud you and I want to tell you I'm grateful for you reaching out and for having the courage to say that out loud. Have you told anybody else that? Or am I the first person you're telling? No, you and your show.

Okay. Well, dude, I'm grateful that you trusted me with that. That's a heavy thing I know you've been carrying around. So you have a new baby. You're waiting for all this run-up, nine months, and then you have this baby. Did the birth go well? Everything went fine, normal?

Everything went really textbook. At the very end, we wound up doing a cesarean, which wasn't planned, but everything's healthy. Everything's how it should be. Okay. Then you get home, and it's a month later, and you were waiting for this big angels to start singing and the music to swell. And all you have is this little wrinkled up lump of a human that stole your wife from you. And now it's taking all your money and just craps all day and doesn't sleep

and pretty much ruining everything. Is that about right? Yeah. Yeah. I've got two of them, man. So what were you expecting to feel, man? Well, kind of what I'd heard my entire life is the first time you hold your baby,

it doesn't matter how it comes out, how healthy it is, how, whatever, you're just going to melt. You're going to feel emotions you've never felt before. You're going to step lighter, walk stronger, and be a better man from then on. And it's like I'm babysitting. Yeah. Hey, whoever told you that wasn't telling you the truth. Okay? Maybe some dudes have that. I didn't have that.

The first time I held my son, I think my words were, oh, crap. This is for real. Right? Yeah. And I'll tell you right now, my son's 11 years old, and I love him deeper than I knew I had capacity for. I found chambers of my heart that I didn't know existed. But it wasn't on day one. It wasn't on day five. It wasn't on day five.

It wasn't on day 30. We had to grow into it. It was a chore. I had things I had to do. And here's what was really hard. I was an older parent like you are. Okay, I wasn't 40, but I was in my 30s. So I had a structure.

I had things that I knew I liked. I had things I know the way I work and how I can be successful. And suddenly all that I knew I liked. I had things I know the way I work and how I can be successful. And suddenly all that got dumped over. Right. And so I'm having to learn everything on the fly and you're 40, bro. Give yourself some grace. Okay. What I want you to do is to not let this lack of emotion, this lack of feeling turn into a lack of doing the right things. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, I can understand that.

I think I do, yeah. You know, I care for him. I change him. I hold him. Okay, yeah. And I want you to talk to him. I want you to continue to show up and love, love, love his mama. Serve her.

Take care of her as she heals from that major surgery. We just kind of blow through. Yeah, I had a C-section. That's a major surgery, man. Yeah, it is. Honor her. Love her. You're going to have a season with no sleep or very little sleep.

You're going to have a season where your work schedule is all screwed up and your marriage is all screwed up and your marriage is all weird. And you don't know what you just look. And all of that gets zeroed in on this little bitty guy over here in the corner. And man, it's hard. I'm sure there are guys who held their baby and the chorus like, Ooh, it all came. It didn't happen for me. My daughter was different. And it's not just because she was my daughter, but she was,

I knew what to expect at this point. So I knew that these little miracles are pretty resilient. You're not going to break them. And my son by that time had taught me so much about myself, it was a gift. And so there is a, I don't want to call it a depression, because that sounds prescriptive, and I don't want to do that. There's going to be a dip. You're going to have a low where you just get exhausted. You're going to have to know when you've got to reach out for help. You're going to have to have a buddy or two that you can text and reach out to and say, hey, is this normal? And they'll go, yeah, sucks, huh?

Or, yeah, dude, just change the diaper. Get over yourself. And you need to have those guys in your life, and if you don't have them, get them today. That may even be your old man. But you've got to have some guys in your life that you've got on a text thread that you can just communicate at a moment's notice. And then you got to know when, hey, honey, I need to go for a walk right now. You got to know when I'm not doing okay, I need to call a counselor because I'm thinking of bolting on this deal.

I'm thinking of walking out the door because I'm going to tell you this, David, you're not going to walk out the door. Is that right? That's correct. You're in. Is that right? Yes. Good. So now it's a matter of choosing to do the right things. I think in my heart, you love this kid. It feels different than you thought it was going to feel or that they told you it was going to feel whoever they is. Right. And here's what's awesome. If you have another one in four years, I know you're going, no way, man. Yep.

I'm putting that on you, dude. You have another one in four years, you're going to tell everybody, when I held my first son, my light, everything just changed. Man, you're just in the fog of the first 30 days, okay? So I want to tell you, I don't think you're crazy. Do you think you're crazy? I don't think I'm crazy. Okay. You just want to tell you, I don't think you're crazy. Do you think you're crazy?

I don't think I'm crazy. Okay. You just think you got lied to? Well, I mean, now after speaking with you, I think that's probably the case. Before when I was waiting on hold, I was thinking, you know, what's wrong with me? Listen, if every guy was like, all right, listen, here's what's happening. You're going to lose your wife for about two years, and this kid's going to take 90% of your income and is going to crap everywhere. Oh, and they tell you you've got to change a diaper. No, it's 10 a day, a day, forever.

And then your buddies are finally going to be like, hey, we've been waiting for a couple of years. We're ready to start the business. You all in, and you're like, nope, got to hang out with the kid because wife's going to go. If everyone told everyone that, no one would have kids, right? And here's the other thing. In short order, you're going to have a buddy reach out to you because this happened to me. This happened to my buddy, John King, one of my best friends on planet earth. He has a baby and maybe six months eight months in we all

got together every week every monday night we got together as a group of us and then slowly he quit coming dude what is he doing and his wife jen is incredible she's one of my best she's the one best best friends in the world. Hilarious, awesome. But, dude, I was like, man, this guy's wife is killing him. He can't even go out with us one night a week. What is the deal here? And he was always so honoring of his wife, of his new baby. And it was about six months after I had Hank that that group of guys called me.

And they're like, hey, guys, we're going to go out. And I started saying, no man. It never occurred to me that he'd rather sit at home and hold this little lump of a six-month old and go hang out with our idiots. Our moron faces at some bar somewhere. All I have to tell you is this. Don't beat yourself up over how you're

feeling. Do the right thing. Make sure you're loving that kid. You're touching that kid. You are loving that kid. You're touching that kid. You are hugging that kid. You're holding that kid. You're taking them outside. You're taking them on walks, changing his diapers. You're doing all those things that you need to do. Make sure you have a community of guys around you, right? That you are eating right, that you're moving, you're exercising, that you're sleeping when you can. Keep doing the things that you know you've got to do to keep you healthy and i promise you you will feel new parts of your heart begin to open up and it's slow and it's a it's a it's a

it's a journey and then you'll go whoa it'll be the first time you go for a walk, and a dog comes running at you in the stroller, and you find yourself saying, ooh, that dog's going to die. Then you think, whoa, where'd that come from? I like dogs, and I like dogs too, but not more than my kid. You'll find these moments. Somebody will mouth off to your kid in a restaurant, and then your eyes will turn black, and you'll realize, whoa. Or you'll hear that cry, and you'll pop up in the middle of the night,

and you'll want to go grab him out of the bassinet, whatever it is. It looks different for everybody. Don't beat yourself up. You're a good dad. You're not going anywhere, David. You're going to stick around. You're a good dad. You're all in.

Feelings are feelings, and emotions are emotions. Don't beat yourself up, man. Keep doing the right things. Keep doing the right things. thank you so much for that call david man you made my heart feel good and you made you reminded me man we oh man i don't want to get on some james i don't get on some tant right some rant here there is no right way to feel about some of these things oh when I got married I was gonna feel this I thought as soon as he asked me to marry him I'd feel like that and I thought when I found out I would be pregnant this I'd feel like this and um I thought as soon as I held my baby, like, David, man, I thought this would all be.

Man, there is no external plug to an internal hole. There is nothing out there, quote unquote, that will fix you in here. And we have all these Instagrammed and Pinterestized and great grandma-ized directions on how we're supposed to feel on some of these major life milestones. And if you don't feel that way, or you don't think that you feel that way, you think you're broken. You think there's something wrong with you, or something wrong with your relationship, or something wrong with your kid.

Often you're not. You just feel different. And that's when you've got to write down these feelings do you really not love your kid no of course you do do you really not love this guy who just asked you to marry him of course you do i don't know maybe you don't maybe you don't but generally speaking yes so what's true about this it feels different now i gotta go plan a wedding and that's gonna be hard yep doesn't mean you don't love him means it doesn't feel the same way you thought it was going to. That's okay.

That's okay. Feel these feelings, write them down and then demand evidence from them. And like brave David did call somebody, call somebody. If you don't know, have some people in your life, you can reach out to and be honest with me.

David, I'm proud of you, brother. You're awesome. You're awesome. I'm going to leave it at that, man. I'm going to leave it at that, man. I'm going to leave it at that. We had a third call.

We'll take that next call on the next show. We have some crew out here in the audience. Thank you all so much for coming. Hey, as we wrap up today's show, we've got the song of the day. John. Yes, sir. Before you do that, Kelly and I have a little something for you. We are approaching show 150 coming up in a couple weeks. Okay.

So we went ahead and got you a little gift. I'm going to bring it in for you, okay? Really? Yeah, seriously. I didn't know you gave gifts, Kelly. More than just my presents. What is that? If you can't see, podcasters,

James just walked in with a Gibson guitar bag. Check it out. James just brought me a Gibson guitar bag. What is this? Open it and find out. I see what you did there. Listen listen it's called a bait and switch it's a fender this is ridiculous and it's mine you can't have it fine forget you i am gonna play this i'm playing the song of the day i'm gonna it sounds terrible why?

because it's not a Gibson ladies and gentlemen or it's not in tune but okay as we wrap up today's show I'm gonna play us out on James

Fender Jaguar with all the switches hold on I'm gonna turn the switches just right and the knobs and every rose has its thorn.

Oh, God, and the love of poison and all things holy. Please stop. Just like if reni has its don't. No. No, no. Oh. This is the Dr. John Deloney Show. Peace out, everybody. You're welcome, everybody. this is the Dr. John Deloney show peace out everybody

you're welcome everybody