The Dr. John Delony Show - I Don’t Feel Attracted to My Husband Anymore

Episode Date: November 11, 2022

Today, we hear from: - A wife struggling to feel attracted to her husband of three years - A man hoping to get advice to help him work through his procrastination habit - A parent wondering how to raise kids that aren’t obsessed with technology in a culture that is Lyrics of the Day: "Under Pressure" - David Bowie and Queen Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show.  Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp DreamCloud Churchill Mortgage Thorne Add products to your cart create an account at checkout Receive 25% off ALL orders Resources: Own Your Past, Change Your Future Questions for Humans Conversation Cards Redefining Anxiety Quick Read John’s Free Guided Meditation Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately. Learn more about your ad choices. https://www.megaphone.fm/adchoices Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. He was with someone else before we were married, and I just still struggle thinking about that when we're together. I thought I had defeated it, but I think I just kind of numbed out my feelings to it. The defeat language is concerning, because it's a fight you're not going to win, because it's not a fight. Yo, yo, what's up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. So glad that you're with us. So glad that you've joined us. The greatest mental health and marriage and relationship podcast ever. And this is our third start. I've got friends

walking by the window window and it's good to see my friends but it is hard for me to do two things at once. So I'm so glad that you're with us and you didn't even know that it happened and I'm not supposed to tell you when I have to restart shows over and over again and I forgot. So here we are. We're here and I'm so glad that you're here. Don't forget to subscribe, subscribe, subscribe, and pass these shows along. I'm so grateful for you. So, so grateful for you. Let's go to the phones.

Let's go to Hope in Columbus. What's up, Hope? Hi. How are you today? I'm fantastic. How about you? A little nervous, but- Hey, I'm nervous too. Listen, I've just train wrecked this show starting off this morning, so you can't be any worse than I was.

So what's up? Okay, so I'm really struggling to be attracted to my husband, particularly during intimacy. I think part of it is I'm struggling with some hormonal imbalances since being postpartum. And then also we have some other sexual baggage that just I can't seem to let go of. Tell me about it. So my husband, I'm a Christian and so is my husband. And he was with someone else before we were married. And we've been married three years.

And I just still struggle thinking about that when we're together. Did you struggle with that before you were married? I did, yes. Did you struggle with that before you had kids or is this something new? It's kind of off and on. It was a really big struggle the first year or two of our marriage, and I thought I had defeated it, but I think I just kind of numbed out my feelings to it. Why do you think this is something you need to go to war with? Or let me ask it in a different way.

The defeat language is concerning because it's a fight you're not going to win because it's not a fight. What is it about you that you feel like isn't enough? Because it feels like it's about your husband's past and this and that, and he's been with other people and all that. This is about you feeling like you're not enough. Tell me about that. Yeah. I'm not sure. I'm not sure to answer that.

Am I off? Am I wrong? No, I wouldn't say you're wrong. That's been with you for a long time, huh? Yeah, I think so. Do you know where that comes from? I think it's from my mom. Tell me about that.

She, it's just things she would say to me as a kid, like one particular that just is stuck in my mind is she asked me, she's like, don't you just wish that, don't you wish you had these feminine features and you were more beautiful and you just...

You're very good at Christianese, at sugarcoating things. Be very direct. What'd your mom tell you? She told me I wasn't pretty, pretty much. That it would be really cool if your body looked different? Yeah, yeah. And so every time you stand before your husband,

you think, I can't be as attractive as the other girl was five or six or seven years ago and he must be yeah he must be i'm always worried he's picturing her thinking of her instead is he no no no because he has a naked woman right in front of him. Right? I'm sorry your mom told you that. She shouldn't have told you that. That was her projecting her own insecurities onto you. Yeah. And you were her little girl and you didn't deserve that.

And for all of us parents out there, this is what this looks like five or 10 or 15 or 20 years later when we put our insecurities on our kids. Then they stand before the person they love and they say, this is all of me. And that person says, I'm all in. all in and we go no you're not because even even our parents weren't all in right um have you told your husband about this does he know um i tried i tried to talk to him about the like like, how I'm struggling, like, with intimacy a couple months ago, but I don't think he knew how big of a deal it is because I, like, I still try to be with him. But for me, it's just not, like, I don't feel as connected to him as I should.

I feel like I should be able to. Okay. I want to back out of the whole conversation. There's a weird thing that happens with our brains and our brains are story making machines. And so here's a good example. It's like a simple example. I can have a morning where I have my morning coffee at my house, which is just part of my routine. And then this morning, I'll use this morning. It's a great example. I have my morning coffee at my house, which is a lot. And then I went to thing. I got you on. So suddenly I have had 18 cups of coffee in a single morning and my body is jittered out and my brain thinks I've got anxiety

issues. My brain begins looking for stories that back up why my body is rattling the way it is. And it must be because of this. And oh yeah, because of this. And I happen to walk by, you know, I work at Ramsey Solutions. I work at a big media company and there's walls of banks of different news shows on. And oh, it's because like then my heart starts beating a little bit faster. So it's my body, it's my mind in search of a story that backs up what my body's doing. Does that make sense? And so I can imagine a scenario where you still struggle with feeling secure in your body. I get that totally, totally. And I can also imagine you've just had, is this your first kid? Yeah. Yeah. Just had your first baby. So your husband is married to a completely different woman right now and you're married to a completely different man right now

And you probably haven't had that conversation yet And sex used to be look like x and y and z and now everybody's tired. Everybody's buzzing around everybody Misjudged how many diapers have to be changed in a certain day nobody feels sexy when they're getting peed on and there's poop under their nails. And when we have to take the track, like everything's changed. And then you start feeling like we're having sex

and it doesn't feel as good as it did or it feels different or he's being a little bit weird or a little bit different. And now the story machine cranks up to try to backfill why our bodies feel how our bodies feel. Do you see what I'm saying? Yeah. And then it starts to magnify itself. And so what I want to do is be really open and vulnerable and vocal about what's actually

happening, not the stories that we're creating about what's happening. Here's what that means. Hey, honey, sex feels different now. And by the way, it won't forever, but it does right now. Does it feel different for you? I feel your body is different right now, or I feel you're not as engaged in it, or I'm having trouble staying engaged in it. And this can lead to an adventure of, I'll figure out a way to help you be engaged. You tell me, you see what I'm saying? Now it can be a whole adventure of y'all discovering each other further, or it can be the thing that shuts everything down. You see what I'm saying? Yeah. When sex is wrapped up in shame and when you have self-doubt, when he's got self-doubt, when he doesn't know what to say or how to say it, and you don't know how to tell him what you need and what you like,

when we get into this back and forth shame-filled world, the awkwardness can lead us to, you know what? I'm good. I don't want to enter into that awkward space. So I'm just going to stay by myself. And now the story machine just loses its mind. Okay. Here's the, here's your new assignment. Are you ready? All right. Let me just pause there.

Tell me what you're feeling or thinking as I'm talking. You can, and you can say, dude, you're full of crap or, um, tell me what you're thinking. Um,

I'm still just not sure like how to tell. So how to express that to my husband, because I don't, I don't want to like destroy his confidence because he's, you know, he, he lost a lot of weight recently, like 70 pounds and he's the most attractive he's ever been to me. And then as soon as it gets like to be time for intimacy, it just like, I struggle with that. Are, can I say something mean? Yeah. No, it's not mean.

It's just direct. Is that cool? Yeah. He knows you're not enjoying yourself. I know. He's been asking me a lot lately yes the secrets are destroying your relationship

far more than being honest with and that's what I'm saying I don't think this has to do with his appearance I don't think this has to do with his past I think this has to do with you not feeling like you're worthy of a guy that looks as good as he does right now I think you're you're bringing're worthy of a guy that looks as good as he does right now.

I think you're bringing a story to the table that you're not enough. He accepted you, but man, he wished he could have so-and-so and so-and-so and so-and-so. And then your mind goes off to the races. At some point, you have to decide, I am not going to engage in those thoughts. When that thought lightning bolts in your mind, you're going to literally say out loud, nope, not doing that. And you're going to have some other thoughts to backfill it. Some really romantic, intimate times y'all were together or times y'all laughed really hard until you almost threw up together. I don't think it's worth your energy to try to mind to go down a rabbit hole every time you're in the middle of having sex and be like, okay, why I'm not really into this. Like, I think why that's the worst time to be thinking through those kinds of things.

Right. Cause then you're not present in that moment. I want you to pick up a book called Come As You Are by Emily Nagatsuki. And we'll link to it in the show notes here. It's the greatest book on female sexuality I've ever read. It's not a faith-based book by any means, okay? But she is a teacher and the book is easy to read. And I have had very, very few people, very few people not come back and say that book changed my life. It's incredible. And he might want to read it too. Here's the crux of it and the reason I love it. She takes away the idea of sex drive. She changes the picture of what attraction is. And she creates a compelling case for sexuality, especially in like a marriage relationship, being very much environmental. It's not a sex drive. Like he's got more of it. I've got less of it. Sometimes it's a series of offs and ons. Okay. And the goal for each couple is to figure out how can we turn on as many ons in this environment and turn off as many offs

Especially after you just had a baby because everything is different now Does that make sense Yeah, yeah, so here's an example in my house. I've told this on the show before I thought that Um, like in my house For years the kitchen had to be clean before we went back in the back room. And I thought for years, my wife was putting our time together second to a clean, to having the dishes out of the sink. And I started taking it personal. Like, seriously? Like, I'm less, like, look at this. I'm a smoke show, right? I've got

to be more attractive than like seven dishes in the sink. And in her mind, she had a picture of the way a house is supposed to look so that she had accomplished her job. And she had created a story that if this isn't done, then I'm not doing my job. And if I haven't done my job, I can't relax and enjoy myself. And so what we were doing is we had two stories going about the dishes that neither of them were truthful or accurate, but they were stories we were bringing to the table ended up being a mess. And so finally, when we sat down, cause we had to, we neglected these conversations, our whole marriage, and we had to start having these hard conversations or our marriage wasn't going to make it. We started talking about the series

of offs and ons. And then it was like, I can't move forward because of the way I feel about me if I haven't, if there's dishes in the sink. And for me, it was like, oh, this has nothing to do with me. This has to do with the fact that this is a story she tells about herself. I'm going to get all the dishes out of the sink all the time. See what I'm saying? And now I'm about something completely different. Oh, you need me to text you in the morning? want me to tell you this thing you want me to remind you of dude i can do that that's simple that's taking another off off the table and turning another switch on and so it became a fun fun filled adventure figuring out what are all the ons and what are all the offs and ons and offs like are not all very few of them are sexual most of them are creating environment it's why you can go to a hotel

and just call cause the wallpaper to peel itself off right because y'all are getting after it and then you go back home and you're in a different environment and everything's like whoosh it's all gone right and so it's you mining your environment you deciding i'm not gonna have these thoughts about his old girlfriends or his old ex-wife or whatever i'm not gonna i'm not going there in my head that's a choice and over time your brain will quit defaulting to that that is your brain trying to come up with a story that is going to justify you not being enough for him and by way, hope he chose you you're enough Do you believe that?

Kind of okay today Is going to be the first day you tell the full truth, okay? You're not going to destroy him you're going to tell him you love him You're going to tell him he looks really good and you're going to tell him Three months after having a baby i'm struggling with sex and i'm struggling with how it feels And when it doesn't feel like I thought it was going to or the whole environment isn't like what I thought Then I start cranking up stories like you're thinking about your ex like that

I'm, not enough that my mom told me my body doesn't look good and you probably think like she does put all those things out there Do you trust him enough to all those things out there do you trust him enough to hold those things with you oh yeah okay and maybe you write yourself a letter write him a letter and read it to him so that you don't um get nervous or don't get jittery or don't miss those things um and then you guys get to do the funnest thing in the entire world is you get to practice you get to practice what intimacy is going to look like funnest thing in the entire world is you get to practice. You get to practice what intimacy is going to look like in this new season with a new baby. You're going to practice what intimacy looks like where you start feeling confident in your own body and confident in the fact that he picked you. He picked you as the one person

he's going to be intimate with for the rest of his life. He chose you And you all get to figure out together what offs and ons in your home mean And dude There's a lot of things to practice. You can practice free throws. You can practice, you know I don't know cutting boards in your backyard with your new circular saw. There's few things on earth better than practicing how we're going to be more intimate together and how we're both going to love sex more over time. Then it'd get much better than that. But that starts with vulnerability.

It starts with you being honest. And that, Hope, starts today. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. October is the season for wearing costumes. And if you haven't started planning your costume, seriously, get on it. I'm pretty sure I'm going to go as Brad Pitt because we have the same upper body, but whatever. Look, it's costume season.

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dot com slash Deloney. All right, we're back. Let's go to Thomas in Milwaukee. What's up, Thomas? Hi. Hi.

I'm a chronic procrastinator and most of the time i procrastinate things that are inconsequential so i didn't think that it was you know heavy enough to be a good fit for the show but then i recently unknowingly ended up procrastinating something that turned out to be devastatingly consequential so i just have these two issues now that I'm facing that I was hoping I could get your help with. If you, uh, I think my face is actually on the Wikipedia page for procrastination. So it's good to meet you, Thomas. I too am a procrastinator.

Um, I turned in my chapter two of my new book at 1222 AM the day it was due the other night. So I'm with you, man. And by the way, there is no too small to call to show, man. Because it may be inconsequential. You may be procrastinating and it's inconsequential. It's not costing you your home or your job or your relationship, but it beats you up, man. And you feel ashamed of it. And it's annoying. And you're always wondering about it. Cause I've been there too. What'd you do? What'd you, what, what big thing did you blow out of the water? Um, well, part of the reason why it's bothering me is because there was a, a huge window, um, that I ended up, that it could have been easily avoided. And I didn't realize it until it was too late. You're speaking in circles, man. Tell me, tell me, tell me, tell

me. I went to the, I procrastinated getting new glasses for way too long. I felt like I didn't need it for the longest time. Finally, when I was like, I should probably get into glasses. I still put it off. I put it off and I put it off and slowly but surely my, my left eye is my bad eye and it started getting to where, you know, it's so day by day, it's so gradual that like you don't notice it until all of a sudden you're like, Whoa, I can't see something that I very obviously should be able to see. So I finally, finally,

finally set up the appointment and everything was seemed to be going fine for the longest time. They're just like, do you have any itching, ready, uh, redness, you know, excessive discharge, any of that. And I was like, no, no, no, everything seemed fine. Um, they covered my left eye, right. I seemed fine. They isolated my left eye and, um, they held their hand out to the side. They said, how many fingers am I holding up? And there was a void where their hand should have been. And that was the first time that I realized that was like, okay, that ain't good. And then they had me read letters and I could see the letter that I was looking at, but the letter

on either side was blurry. And okay. I was like, okay, well, that was different from the other eye. That's also not good. And they checked my eye pressure and they say anything above 20 is considered, is considered high. And then anything over 30 is considered like dangerously high. And they said mine was 40. So I was way, I was like way, way above to where, um, to where basically, basically I was like way, way above to where basically I was diagnosed with glaucoma at age 38. And it was just hard because I had so much time to do it. And I know that taking yourself isn't like useful, but then at the same time, it's like, well, yeah, it just sucks that because like i hold on is it directly because you took a while to get your glasses uh yeah i went the last time i had new glasses was 2007 i know but i've i've not heard and again i'm not an expert on on this at all um but i i don't know that glaucoma is attached directly to a mixed mismatched

eye prescription is it uh it's it's pressure in the eye and they they check for that when you go in for your eye appointments okay so and they and basically if they would if i would have gone in for a checkup to get new glasses they would would have checked my eye pressure. They could have caught it sooner and prevented, uh, and prevented the, the damage from occurring over a long period of time. Gotcha. So now it sucks because, because I'm going to live for like 80 more years. And so now there's like a long time to sit here with this bum janky eye that doesn't work right.

And so now it's like, I can't like, you know, I can't like get away from it. Like I'm, I'm reminded of it every waking moment. I can see it you know I can't like get away from it like I'm I'm reminded of it every waking moment I can see it all the time so it's like you know I don't even have like the luxury of repressing it you know because every time my eyes are open I'm like reminded of it and I have to drop some eyes now three times a day so that reminds me of it also so I'm just like how do I come to terms with with that like this is going to be like my life from now on because I've been an adult for 20 20 years now. So I'm sitting here going like, boy, I have a couple more of those 20 year lifespan. So it's like when I'm 58, I'm still going to be, I'm still going to be dealing with it when I'm 78, you know? You know? So it's just like, it's occurring to me, like how long my life

is going to be still dealing with this thing that there's going to be, as far as I know, no cure for like anytime soon, you know, they're, they're only dealing with, you know, treatment and prevention, but if you already have it, then it just sucks to be you, I guess. Um, so yeah, so I'm just, you know, like, I'm just having a hard time just coming to terms with, with like, this is my like reality from now on. Yeah. That's, that's a different conversation than procrastination that we'll get to that but this is this is more about you just coming to terms with um a medical condition that's become a new reality for you

and what you can't see on the other side of it yet is um a neural adaptations your brain figures things out not saying that your eye is going to magically be able to see What i'm going to tell you is in five years and ten years You're in two years in three years your body's ability to norm your new situation is extraordinary It's just magic. Um, I wish it's not magic, but it feels magic And so right now on this side of it. The grief is so raw It's so devastating your anger at your body your anger at yourself. All that stuff is so raw right now That every time you open your eye, it's just this pulsing rage

My promise to you is that begins to dissipate over time And as you live into this new reality just the way way it is. And there's going to come a moment when you forget about it. Okay? Not forget about like you can't see, but there's going to be a moment when you're grabbing for something and you just turn a little bit more so that your other eye can help compensate for it. I've got friends who are war veterans that have different challenges and they just go about their day. And if you ask them about it, like, oh yeah, yeah, yeah, that's a thing, but it just becomes part of their day. And so I'm telling you that to tell you right now, dealing with the guilt you feel over not

taking care of this, you're imagining a bunch of different variables into this situation. Okay. Let's let it be what it is. It is. And it's going to, it's going to be, it's going to suck for a while. You're going to be upset for a while and dude, all that's okay, man. The, how am I going to live moving forward? You're going to take care of your eyes moving forward. And you know that I know that this won't ever happen again. We both know that. And so let's make peace with that and let's exhale on that. Is that fair? Oh, yes. Going to war against yourself and your body is not going to help is what I'm saying.

Being devastated and sad, completely normal. And if you skip over that spot, that's going to loop you back into more war with yourself and with other people. I would just be sad for a season. Stinks, man. Stinks, but the pain you feel right now is not going to be the pain you feel when you're 58. Okay?

Okay. And it sounds trite, but you just got to trust me on that. The question now is asking yourself, what does, like you said, you procrastinate about a lot of stuff, little stuff now in your world, big stuff. Tell me about that. Well, mostly it's things that either just take a few minutes or like, for example, I have posters that I purchased like two years ago that I just haven't put up on the wall because I don't have like, you know,

I'm an introvert, so I don't have like people over, so I could just not put it up and no one would care. Or, you know, my car clicker is dead, but then I'm not like, I don't, so I haven't locked my car in several months or basically like, basically anytime I hit, anytime I don't know how to do something, I kind of hit a roadblock and I can't push past it. Uh anytime I hit, anytime I don't know how to do something, I kind of hit a roadblock and I can't push past it. Uh, I've been wanting to learn how to sell books on Amazon and I spent $200 on some video editing software that I haven't learned how to use yet because I

can still use the old one that isn't as good, but I know how to use it. Uh, you know, I, I have, I have huge backlogs that are like overwhelming. I have a video game backlog and a scene backlog, which are ridiculous. I have about 100 songs that I want to learn the lyrics to, but it's like thrash metal. So you can't hear the lyrics just by listening to it. You actually have to sit down with the lyrics and learn it one by one, you know. And I have a movie backlog and, you know, I have-

Okay, let me jump in here. You've got a bunch of cool stuff that you want to do. Yeah, I'm single with no kids, so I have all the time in the world. And yet, like paradoxically, I feel like I have no time because I also go to yoga, which then ends up taking almost two hours a day out of that time. And then by the time I come home from work I just have this little little tiny piece

of time before I have to leave and then when I come back I just have like a few precious hours before I have to like before I have to like go to bed and after work I'm tired hold on hold on hold on hold on dude somebody early on in your life told you that you suck and you're kind of a loser. Who was that? I don't think anyone. I was raised in a military family, but I was a good kid. My parents were strict but fair. I wasn't in trouble at all. My parents kind of took the hands-, hands off approach to raising me. Cause I, I checked all the boxes, you know, I got myself up to first school. I did my homework. I

didn't talk back. I, you know, Hey, listen, compliance can often be a trauma response, my friend. That, that is true, but I didn't feel like I was just sort of naturally that way. I, I don't, you know, if something happened that kind of changed me into that gear or whatever, I, it must've been before I remember. Were you bullied in school? Uh, there was, there was a few instances of it in fourth and fifth grade, but it wasn't like a chronic, it wasn't like a chronic thing. It was just like a couple of times for like a few moments where I was, I was kind of picked out by the crowd. And do you have, you know, do you have

any, do you have any mental health diagnostics? Um, not, not that I, you know, not that I'm aware of. I'm generally not an anxious guy. Like my life is like in order, like, you know, I enjoyed having my freedom and having all the time in the world to do whatever I want all day, every day, you know, except go to work. So, um, so I don't have, I'm not afflicted by many of the things that a lot of the other, you know, callers have, uh, you know, I did have anxiety about this call, but I think I'm not an anxious person generally. Um, just when I get done with work, I'm just kind of like, blah, you know, I'm diligent at my job and I, I, you know, I do more, you know, I do way more working than talking, you know? So just when I'm done, I'm just like tired. And then I have to suck it up and go to yoga. And then when I'm done with that and I'm like super mega extra tired. So I just kind of go into like blob mode and a lot of the stuff, it doesn't even feel like I'm procrastinating at the time. Like I can rationalize why it's a good idea to do this instead of this other thing. And then next thing you know, it's been three weeks and I'm lyrics to songs and learning new songs on guitar and learning how to make films.

It sounds like, you know what you love doing? Collecting cool ideas. Yeah, I do. I do sort of like just just like making large. I don't know if I did it on purpose or not, but I just have like all these huge lists of things to do. And then it's almost like overwhelming. But hold on, hold on, hold on. Procrastination.

I don't think you're procrastinating. I don't, I think you like making cool lists. It would be cool to know how to do this. And maybe your thing is making lists. What I want you to do is to stop beating up Thomas. Because I think Thomas is a good guy. And you've created a hell of your own making of these shoulds and have tos that don't exist. There are a few things. You're going to not lock your car for long enough and someone's going to come steal and it's going to be just like your eye. That's a pattern, right?

Yeah. So there is some wisdom in saying, okay, what do I really need to do? And then what do I want to do? And then let's look at all those lists and maybe maybe pick one here's the thing you don't like uh you don't really want to self-publish a book right now you might someday but you don't right now and so cool you're into yoga right now it's okay to just be into yoga right now i got friends that are obsessed with jujitsu and they don't do anything else. They don't even talk to their kids that much.

They just do jujitsu. Great. Does that make sense? You see what I'm saying? Like you've built, it's not the things, it's the pressure you've put on yourself. And you do,

that pressure then crowds out the things that you do need to get done like you do need to go get your eyes checked you need to go to the doctor make sure you're healthy sounds like you've um almost list making becomes compulsive and you just then it's almost like hoarding except you're hoarding to-do lists and you crowd out your mind you like kind of like a hoarder fills up their house so they can't even get in and out of the house they can't make a way to the bathroom that's what you've done in your mind with all the stuff that's gotta get done i gotta build it up gotta and dude then you lose the enjoyment of just watching a movie or just jamming on some new thrash metal.

See what I'm saying? Yeah. Or should I just get rid of all my lists of all my lists? Because I'll still know in the back of my mind that they're there. No, no, no. I think you change your relationship with your lists. The stuff isn't the issue here. The stuff isn't the issue here. The stuff isn't the issue.

It's your relationship to the stuff. That's the problem. You've created a world where you don't believe you're enough. And you don't believe going to work and working really hard and being good at your job and then going to yoga because it's something you enjoy that gets you moving your body and helps you sleep. You don't feel like that's enough. And you're chasing what else you're quote unquote supposed to be or should be doing. And you fill it with things like watch movies. You fill it with things like play video games.

You fill it with things like learn lyrics to thrash metal songs and those in and of themselves for most of us aren't enough for purpose they're fun they give us joy like a hobby but it doesn't fill the purpose gap and you are spinning your wheels, man. Because you don't think you're enough and you are, dude. And if you believe you're enough, then if you don't get to the movies, that's fine because I'm good. I really want to take guitar lessons, Thomas. I do. I've been playing for like 30 years now, 35. I've been playing forever. And I should be, I played at a big event the other day. Every guitarist in every band was better than me. It was annoying. And I've been playing too long. And I was like, dude, I gotta take lessons. I'm taking less. I'm taking lessons. Thomas, I have not signed up for a lesson yet. You know what that means? I'm pretty good at guitar and I'm good enough for what I'm going to

do for the rest of my life. For right now, Maybe one day I'll take lessons and get good. Just not right now. And I'm not going to beat myself up over it. Do you see the difference in that relationship? Oh yeah. Well, I think, I think part of it is that because I have so much time that I think that I like putting it on a list, it's like, well, I could just get, I just have the rest of my life to get to it. So it doesn't matter if I get to it now or a year from now or two years from now, but then it all just kind of accumulates. And the next thing you know, it's like when you watch Netflix and you can't decide what to watch and you just spend a half hour trying to decide and then you just turn it off. Yes. yes, and yes. And so there's one way out of this.

Lists don't work for you. And so let's take a season off from making lists. Let's try that. I would be willing to bet that your list making is an anxiety response. It's a way that you and your mind are trying to control your day, control your life, a life that you feel doesn't have purpose and meaning because you're just Thomas. And so let's stop making lists for

a season and let's be highly intentional about making sure we know there's four or five things we got to get done. Put them in a calendar, put them on your phone, but put them on your calendar that's on your phone and get your stuff done. Cause it sounds like when you got a task to do, you'll go get the task done. You'll get your job done. You'll not, you're going to show up for a Sunday dinner with your family. You're going to do those things. So let's put those things on the calendar and let's take a break from making lists for a while. And let's give yourself some space. Start asking yourself now, what are the things I have to do? What are the things I want to do? What are the things that bring me joy? What are the things that bring me purpose? And there's going to be a few things,

brother, that you're going to have to just suck up and do. You got to go to the doctor. You got to get your car thing fixed so nobody steals your stuff out of your car. You got to do those things. But if you bought posters two years ago and you haven't put them up, you don't want those posters. Sell them. Sell them today. You don't want them because if you want them, you'd put them up. So just get rid of them and give yourself that peace. If you're not going to watch those hundred movies, just get rid of that list. It's not going to happen. And yes, it's going to be back in the back of your head. It will go away because you'll fill it up with more stuff. But let's look at those lists as though they are stuff

in the house of a hoarder. And let's begin to ask yourself, I'm not going to learn the lyrics to 30 thrash metal songs. Not going to do it. So I'm done with that one. Let's move on to the next. And let's start giving Thomas a lot of grace and a lot of peace. And let's stop asking ourselves, beating ourselves up, what do I got to do? What do I got to do? What do I got to do? And ask ourselves, what do I get to do today? What do I want to do today? What do I want to be a part of long-term? Let's start there, man. Be nice to Thomas. I like that guy. We'll be right back. It seems like everybody's talking about how

crazy the housing market is right now and how powerless homebuyers feel. Mix that with the stress of moving and life change and job change, and you've got a tornado of anxiety fueling one of the biggest purchases you'll ever make. This is not a good idea. So if you're a new home buyer right now, my advice to you is to focus on what you can control, like the people you choose to help you in the home buying process. You need folks like my friends at Churchill Mortgage. Churchill is a Ramsey trusted provider that's been helping people with their home mortgages for decades. And their home buyer edge program will help you skip a bunch of the stress. Here's how it works. Apply to become a Churchill certified home buyer and cap your interest rate

for 90 days. Then you'll get a $5,000 seller guarantee to help your offer stand out. So go ahead, take a deep breath because Churchill has your back. Check them out at churchillmortgage.com slash Deloney and get the home buyer edge today. All right, we're back. Let's go to Rachel in Manchester, New Hampshire. What's up, Rachel? Hi, Dr. John. How are you? So good.

How are you? I'm doing well, thank you A little nervous, but grateful to be on the show Awesome, thanks for joining us What's up? So my question is How do I raise my children To live in this

Technology-focused society Without allowing them to become obsessed? Hmm I don't know You tell me I'm trying to figure that out? I don't know. You tell me. I'm trying to figure that out myself. I don't know what to do. Tell me about your kids and tell me what you're struggling with.

So my husband and I are expecting our first child in December. So we don't have any children right now. But we've been listening to you and Dave Ramsey and we've been talking about what, listening to you and Dave Ramsey, and we've been talking about what we want our family values to be. And a big one is, you know, not being so obsessed with their phones that they will inevitably have eventually and to value human to human contact and interaction. This one, this one's actually easy, Rachel. Easy.

Okay. You called the right guy. Because I'm an addict when it comes to my phone. And so it's something I've had to just deal with like I would if I was addicted to alcohol. Your kids, your first kid, your second kid, your third kid are going to find out the way the world works by watching you and your husband. Okay.

And so if you want to create a world where phones are not the centerpiece of that world, at least until they get into grade school, make phones like a screwdriver. It just stays in the drawer. It's a tool that we use when we need it. Ta-da. And your kids will not even understand that's part of the world. Now, here's a couple of caveats to that. When my son was born, my wife and I were maniacs because it was right when iPads were coming out everywhere and cell phones were just ever I mean they're and I it just felt wrong I just something about it wasn't right probably

in retrospect it was just because I was afraid of change and I was using these cavalier we're all gonna die probably very similar to the guy that was in charge of a horse farm and then all of a sudden Henry Ford ford started driving model t's everywhere and he's like well you know what's gonna happen right so there we go but my son one time he was two um and he was late to speak he was very late to be fluent but i remember we sat down in a restaurant and he looked at we had a a laminated menu and they set it down and he started dropping his fingers trying to expand the menu as though it was like a cell phone trying to make the picture bigger. And both me and my wife looked at each other. He had never seen us do

that. That was not from our house. He'd picked that up somewhere just in passing, whether that was at the supermarket or somewhere at a family gathering. So they're going to pick it up somewhere just in passing, whether that was at the supermarket or somewhere at a family gathering. So they're going to pick it up. They're going to see it, but they're going to learn how to live with your values by watching how you and your husband live your values. And then when they get to elementary school, my son was in fifth grade and I think he was the only one, maybe one other kid didn't't already have a smartphone and all that stuff. So it will happen early, and it's just going to be like everything else, whether it's I have to have the right tennis shoes or I got to have the right gadget or I got to have the right – well, I don't have the right bat bag for the baseball team. You're going to be

fighting that. That's just human nature. Kids want to fit in and they want to be like their friends and they want to be cool. And that's not weird. That's normal. That's developmental. And sometimes we can't afford certain things. And so we're going to teach them about realities of money. And sometimes I'm not going to buy you a $400 or $100 pair of jeans because you grow seven inches every week. And so, like, right, some of those natural conversations, the phones are just going to be a part of that conversation too. Right? Yes, all your friends have them.

And my job is to keep your mind safe. And they're not good for you. And so we're not going to do that in my house. Ta-da. And my son, I've talked about on the show, but he called me on it once and he was right. As he was entering middle school, because he's the only kid that doesn't have some access to some kind of phone. And he said, dad, you took away the phone. Fine. You say that these things aren't good for me. Fine. But I got nothing. And when my friends come over no video game like we've got nothing and he was right

and so I went I I went and we moved some budget stuff around and I bought a foosball table and I bought like an air hockey table off Amazon had it shipped to the house And I got him a bow and arrow like I got him some things to do That he could go do with his friends that he could do by himself that didn't involve So I he called me on the carpet. He was right. I had to provide some alternative activities for him that were different. And now we've got a cool thing to do. We go out in the front yard and shoot our arrows. And we, man, you can talk about some trash talking in the Deloney house when we're

playing air hockey together, right? You see what I'm saying? So I even had to adapt and learn and get some new things and learn some new things. And we were in a financial position to do that, but we got the cheapest ones we could because we're going to destroy them because that's the house that we have. Is that helping? Yeah, no, absolutely. Yeah. We've heard you, as I said, both of us listen to your show. So we've heard you talk about how you don't prioritize cell phones and devices at home. And you have other means of, you know, giving your kids things to do when these days everyone just shoves them in front of a TV screen. Here's one of my operating rules. Whenever a child walks into a room, I put whatever screen I'm looking at down. Even if I tell them, hey, I'm in the middle of sending a text message, I need you to wait a minute.

That's okay. Hey, I'm in the middle of working on a work email right now. I need you to give me two minutes. Okay. Most of the time, I'm just mindlessly scrolling like an idiot and it's good that I put the phone down. But that's one of our rules. I want my kids to know you are more important than whatever flashy thing is in front of me. That makes complete sense. And I will challenge any parent. I can be wrong here. I don't think I am.

Your kids cannot compete with the, the psychologist and neurobiologist and tech companies who have all joined forces to create the single most addictive device that's ever existed they can't compete and so to hand that to a sixth grader or to a ninth grader and say well you only get 30 minutes is like handing cocaine to a kid and saying you only get to do a little bit, right? It's just not fair. It's not integrous because it's impossible. You're lighting up a kid's brain like a Christmas tree, and then you're going to hold them accountable when he can't pay attention, when he gets fidgety, when she just wants to grab the phone and grab the phone and grab the phone.

That's not, I mean, you can't do that, man. You can't give a kid cocaine and get mad at them because they're running around the house. Can't do that, right? So I may be proven wrong and I may be like, you know what, son, I screwed this up. But my approach is as little as humanly possible because they're already getting it everywhere. And by the my son now he's in middle school and you know every school's got computers and all dude he can fly around a computer now it took him like one second and so this idea that they're going to be behind they're not going to be digitally native not dude they're so intuitive and we as a society have no idea. I keep pretty close tabs on the AI world. What's coming? Holy smokes, dude, we're about to be living in a sci-fi movie in a profound way. And so I'm not worried at all about the intuitive nature of technology integration. It's coming, sister. It's coming. And so screens will be,

I think, lower on the priority list in the coming years. Okay. Okay. I think this stuff is going to be so integrated and braided into our lives that keeping them from a phone will be the least of our challenges. And that's okay. I welcome what AI can bring to us and what advances it will help us as a society. And it could get off the rails and Terminator 2 could actually happen, right? But Rachel, remember these things, these two important things.

They're watching everything you do. They're watching everything you do. They're watching everything you do. And when a kid walks in the room, screens go down. I think starting there is a great place. And congratulations to you and your husband for thinking through, what kind of parents do we wanna be? What's our picture of what our home's gonna look like? And let's reverse engineer that early on

so that that picture comes true. Good for you, Rachel. We'll be right back. Hey, what's up? Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious or burned out or chronically stressed at some point. In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life. Get your copy today at johndeloney.com. All right, we are back. And hey, the song of the day is Queen and David

Bowie's Under Pressure? Quick left turn here. The other day I was getting off, I mean, getting onto the airplane. And the front row of my Southwest flight was, that's right, Vanilla Ice. It was incredible. And I, man, I wanted to say what's up. And I didn't. I don't want to be that guy. I always appreciate when people say hi to me.

And I'm not near as famous as Vanilla Ice. But I just felt like, man, back in middle school, he was the soundtrack to most of my failed romances. And I thought we had a moment. Did you want to ask him if he actually stole the bass line from the song? I didn't. I cannot tell you how much restraint it took me to walk by him and go, word to your mother. I almost did that, dude. I can't tell you. It was coming out and I was like, stop, stop, stop, stop. Just keep walking, man. Because people come up to me and they tell me things that I say on the

show that I don't remember saying it. And I just think it's weird. They'll walk, like there's nothing stranger than sitting, eating Chick-fil-A in an airport and someone walks by and goes, is that rocket diarrhea, bro? And I'm like, what? Oh, because I say that a lot, right? So anyway, that's a long left turn. That's some deep cuts. If you're a Vanilla Ice fan, which let's be honest, we all are, you'll know that the baseline of his famous Ice Ice Baby

may or may not have been completely ripped off and lifted from Queen and David Bowie's classic hit under pressure what a tune man what a tune you want to have some spotify fun today procrastinating from whatever it is you should be doing that's going to advance your real life go down to youtube rabbit hole about under pressure and ice ice baby but until we get there the song of the day is Queen and David Bowie's Under Pressure. And it goes like this. Pressure. Pressing down on me.

Pressing down on you. No man asked for. Under pressure that burns a building down, splits a family in two, puts people on the streets. Um, ba, ba, ba. Um, ba, ba, ba. D-data. E-data. That's okay.

That's okay. That's right, folks. This is the greatest podcast ever we'll see you soon