The Dr. John Delony Show - I Don’t Feel Safe Sleeping Next to My Husband

Episode Date: February 27, 2026

On today’s episode, we hear about: A woman struggling to feel safe in her own home A mom wondering if she should intervene in her son’s marriage A wife trying to break the cycle of abuse   Next Steps: ❤️ Get away with your spouse today! 🔥 Reconnect every day. Download the Together app. 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test 📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards 💭 John’s Free Guided Meditation 🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch   Connect With Our Sponsors: Head to Beam and use code DELONY for an exclusive discount—because better sleep, energy and focus start tonight. Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. Get an exclusive offer with code DELONY at Cozy Earth.   Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe. Go to Dutch Pet and use code DELONY to get $50 off a year of vet care. Go love your pets! Visit Hallow for a 90-day free trial. Visit Helix Sleep for special offers! Working knives for working people—go to Montana Knife Company to see what’s available now! Explore Poncho Outdoors! Get 25% off your order at Thorne.     Explore More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights 🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💡 The Rachel Cruze Show 💰 George Kamel 🪑 Front Row Seat with Ken Coleman 📈 EntreLeadership   Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

He is a history of abnormal sleep behaviors. Normally they're pretty funny, but a few nights ago, he attacked me in his sleep, where he was punching me repeatedly, and I was screaming at him to stop. Where else does he struggle outside of sleep? Does he struggle with anxiety or depression? What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney's show, comedy from Nashville, Tennessee.

Take in your calls. Real calls from real people on your mental and emotional health, whatever you got going on in your life, relationships, your marriages, your kids, all of it. And for those of you who have been with us since episode one, I'm super grateful that you've been with us. And if you are new to the show here in 2026, I'm glad that you're along for the ride. Buckle up and love to hear from you directly. Go to johndeloney.com slash ask and get your questions in, and we will go from there. All right, let's go out to Raleigh, North Carolina, and talk to Phoebe. What's up, Phoebe?

Hi, Dr. Deloney. How are you? I'm good. Here's the sitch. What's the sitch? I am 31 years old. My husband is 29. We've been married for three years. He is a history of abnormal sleep behaviors. Normally, they're pretty funny. But a few nights ago, he attacked me in his sleep where he was punching me repeatedly. And I was screaming at him to stop. And it couldn't wake him up. in the aftermath of this, I'd say the energy in the house has shifted. And he tries to touch me, my whole body tenses up. We just don't know what to do from here.

Okay. Has he been diagnosed with the sleep behavior disorder? So we've been to the sleep doctor and psychiatrist in the past. They just tried to give him benzos, which we didn't want to do. Yeah. Is he diagnosed with like a REM sleep behavior disorder? We think that's what it's going to be. That's our next step to do.

Where else does he struggle outside of sleep? Does he struggle with anxiety or depression, bipolar disorder, anything like that? Generalized anxiety. Okay. He's a full-time student. He's been going to therapy, which I think is helpful because, his friends aren't really that supportive. They just say, oh, that sucks, bro, versus I have a community of, you know, women that I can connect with after this incident.

Okay. So how can I help? How can we move through this? I mean, is it just therapy or I kind of feel like I was extremely violated by, you know, the person that I live with and am supposed to trust? I mean, it was a pretty brutal kind of beat down. Yeah. It just does not feel the same anymore. Sure.

It's terrifying. It's scary. Is he abusive in any other aspect of your life? He is not. Okay. Is he a safe, loving guy? He is. Okay.

And he feels very bad about this extremely guilty. Okay. So, and the reason I'm asking for context, there is the path forward is multi-tier, number one, getting that diagnosis and then getting a path and throwing medication at it sometimes will help. There's all kinds of interventions that are sleep-oriented that just generalized counseling isn't going to solve, but there are CBTI plans for sleep disturbances. But again, I don't know the severity.

You're going to see sleep doctors. Y'all are seeing mental health professionals. All that continue to do that, okay? The one thing I would push people for is I want an action plan. Okay. That's number one. So y'all are doing those things. The second thing is this.

How do I live in a lived experience where I wasn't safe? But the person who made me unsafe did it at no fault of their own. Okay. So this may be a bad, horrible analogy, but it's kind of like he was driving the car and you were a passenger. And while he was driving, the bridge fell out from underneath him. And you got badly hurt. That doesn't mean he's a bad driver. it doesn't mean he's an unsafe driver right and it would not be abnormal it makes perfect sense to me that

when you get in the car again your body tenses up and you don't want to drive with him that makes sense okay so the path forward is is in a nerd world they would call it exposure i am going to when i feel my body tense up i'm gonna i'm gonna sit by him on the couch for 10 minutes and I'm just going to hold his hand. I'm going to feel that tension I have and I'm going to let my body experience his safety and his, our safety and his compassion through that. And at the same time, I might not feel comfortable sleeping in a bed with him until this all gets worked out. And that's okay. But I do like that idea. You just think of it this way. Your body's working right. It's trying to keep you safe. And it has said,

That guy, not safe. Well, that's not the full picture. And so what we're going to do is we're going to teach our body that in that moment, in this situation, we're not safe yet. But this guy is. In this context, on this couch, in this car, at this kitchen table, this guy's safe. He loves me.

His body is really going through it when he sleeps. And it traps him. You get the difference there? I do. I think I'm also struggling with, we've been doing the whole IVF thing, trying to have kids, and then I worry about if he's sleep deprived, you know, with a baby and, you know, would do something to hurt the baby. I mean, he is very, when he is asleep, he's very convincing that he is awake. He can turn the light on, walk around, make eye contact with you, have a conversation, and he's actually asleep. Yeah. Okay, let's bring those conversations on, put them on the table. That's a real concern. It's an unlikely concern, but it's a real concern. And how do we know this? Because you lived through it. And part of an anxiety response is dragging any future thing that could happen into the future and dragging it into the present and trying to solve it now. Right? Yeah, we don't have to solve it now.

Right. But let's let's put on the table. Could he, while you're crashed out of sleep after having like been up for for 72 straight hours, could he fall asleep with your kid right next to him and have an episode? Yep. That could happen. Do we need to solve for that? Yep. We sure do. But do we need to worry about that every minute right this second? I don't think we're there. I think we need to definitely put the on the table with a professional and get some guided insight into. We've got to dig into this challenge. Or let me ask you another question, okay? Is this enough of a jolt that you're going to leave the marriage?

I am not, but I'll be honest, the night that it happened that was going through my head is that I don't feel safe and, oh my God, we're trying to have a baby and who's going to kill the baby. and I was spiraling really hard. And then, you know, Googling and, you know, Google says everything is the end of the world. Of course. I think I've kind of pulled myself out of that. Okay.

If you have somebody in your home with violent sleep disturbances, if he has a diagnosed sleep disorder and part of his acting out is violence, that's very, very, very, very real. Okay. That is something that you need to have on your radar for yourself and for any kids, you'll bring you to the home. Totally true. Your exercise here or your work here, if you will, is a co-creating a solution with him. We're going to fight like mad dogs to get this thing under control and to get to some solutions here. And I'm going to do my best to lean into the discomfort because when he's awake, he's the best. He's the guy I'm married. He's the guy I want to start a family with. And I'm going to teach my body that when we're sitting on the couch together, when my foot touches his under the kitchen table, when we're out with friends, this guy's the safest

place I could be. It's a both-end. It's a paradox. It's hard. But both of those things are true, right? Yeah, it's quite the dichotomy. It is. but just sitting on the side and yelling, that's a dichotomy, that's a dichotomy, that's not helpful, right? I'm going to get in there, I'm going to get in the dichotomy with him. And when he's asleep,

I'm going to go upstairs and sleep with the door shut, with it locked for a season until we get this thing under control. That's cool. It's great. Same as if I get the flu, my wife's going to sleep in the guest room. Of course she is, and vice versa. Right, and then I'm not trying to minimize what happened.

What happened to you was terrifying and scary, and you have a lived experience of the man you love, the guy that's about to be the father of your, kids throwing punches at you. Horrifying, right? And so we're going to- Yeah, I never expected that to happen. No, but he didn't either, right? No. Nobody expects to be driving over a concrete and steel bridge and have it just cave out from underneath them. And I guess, I guess, is there a world where you can experience this as something that happened to you? And something that happened to him and something that happened to y'all.

You get what I'm saying? Yeah, I'm hoping to get to a place to accept this as, you know, an event that happened that we can get through rather than, oh, my God, this is going to destroy our whole relationship. Sure, yeah. But my guess is, based on what you've told me about him, he can't breathe either. No, he has been really torn up about it. Yeah. And not by your hand, but in y'all's lap, now your marriage is different.

That happened to y'all and to you and to him. Right? And so the path forward is how do I, A, keep myself and him, how do we stay safe through appropriate good, medical care and psychiatric care and mental health care we're going to attack this thing head on and how do I keep myself safe just on the regs right

and that's not going to be fun right you don't want to sleep by yourself forever it's going to be like this forever it's not right and also how do I lean in and reteach my body you know what when this guy has an episode unsafe when he's awake and with me

there is no safer place let me say this way you're not going to be able to feel or think your way towards that you're going to have to act it you're going to have to live it lean into it

because your body's just trying to keep you safe and it will do so whether it's rational or not does that make sense it does it's not easy though huh no but me and him are so

in sync on so many things and so in love that I think that we can do it. That sounds so cliche. I know. I'm freaking love it. I love it. I love it. All right. So here's what tonight looks like. Y'all, you tell him, my body's trying to take care of me and I know you're not a bad guy. I know you're not the scary one. And so I'm going to start practicing getting close to you. And my body's going to tense up and I'm going to want to withdraw my hand and I'm going to force myself to and it's going to be weird from you because you're going to feel your wife tensing up. We're going to relearn this thing together.

And by the way, he's going to be insanely gentle with you because he does not want to ever hurt the woman of his dreams, right? Correct. So we're going to practice that in real time. And, practically speaking, he's going to get his feelings hurt or he's going to be sad or maybe he's relieved. You're going to be sad,

but we're going to sleep in separate rooms for a while until we get this thing under control. Cool. He's willing to do whatever Of course he is Of course he is And I want you to be willing to do whatever too Yeah

Right Good point Because this happened to you This happened to him But this happened to y'all And again if he was a violent man You've listened to my show Totally different conversation

We're happening Oh I know I think one of the hardest parts Is I never realized That there was nuance behind You know If your man ever lays a hand on you. Right. When he's unconscious

in amidst the psychiatric disorder, oh geez, what do you do with that? Right? Mm-hmm. So it's just hard. It's hard. But him knowing, I'm on your team, I'm going to stay safe. I'm going to keep you safe,

but I'm on your team. We're going to figure this out. We're getting the bottom of this thing. That to me sounds like a pretty amazing path towards healing. And for whatever it's worth, as I hang up this call, if you're surrounded by a team of experts and they tell you the path forward for the season this season and maybe beyond is pharmacological is medicine be grateful you live in a season a little snapshot of life where

we've got medicine to help with some of these things that's not the end of time it's not the worst thing and if that's what it needs to be that's what it is and we'll keep searching for things we'll keep working on things we'll keep working on underlying issues and all that kind of stuff But if that's where we need to be for now, great. Awesome. On to the next. Thank you for the call, sister. Gosh, what a scary, scary thing.

Scary thing. Glad you've both got each other. As you all rebuild from this scary episode. I've been talking about poncho shirts for years. And if you've seen me on stages or around town, you've probably seen me wearing a poncho shirt. I'm wearing one right now. And this is a poncho shirt.

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Hey, Becky, what's going on? My question is, should I intervene in my son's troubled marriage or stay out of it? Oh, no. What does intervene mean? I was up there recently for Christmas, and their home is just in chaos and full attention. or full of, you know, just tension and avoidance. And there's no affection between them. They're pretty much living parallel lives.

She stayed down the basement, the majority of the time when I was there. They don't seem to interact much. Their finances are separately. It's just, it just seems like it's a total mess. And I just see it imploding any day now. What's your relationship like with your son? You're all close? No, he had cut me off for like the last 14 months or so.

Why did he cut you off? I wasn't really sure. I was thinking, okay, you know, is it this adult, the child estrangement thing that seems to be a big thing now. And then listening to your podcast and other things about it, they're saying, okay, that I need to take a look at what is my role in this. Can I just stop you right there a second? Yeah.

You're amazing. I am. Yes. Yes. If anybody, listen, if anybody, especially on something as sensitive as this topic, anybody who gets in a relationship conflict and first goes to the mirror and says,

and just asks, did I play any part of this? What responsibilities, what ownership do I need to take here? The whole world would be different. And it's especially hard when it comes to your son because if you're like me, like all parents I know, there are things, numerous things that you would like to do over or have back. Is that fair? Oh, tons of it. There you go. There you go. Okay. So that can be a heavy burden. It's heavy when you

realize I said something to a coworker that hurt their feelings. It's, it's, it's, it's nightmarishly heavy when it comes to I did or said things that hurt my kid. Yeah. Or maybe I'd even hurt them, but man, there are things I could have done way, way better. Oh, definitely. Right, that's heavy. So I applaud you, Becky. I applaud you. Good on you.

Good on you. Okay, so you went to the mirror. What'd you find? I feel that I failed him when he was a child. How so? That's strong language. How did you fail him? You know, when he was little and, you know, I'm trying to teach him.

things and stuff like that. And I, you know, that kids are supposed to go and clean up their room. And like I would make them go, you know, put him in his room and say, okay, clean up your room. And I'd come back, you know, an hour and a half later or whatever, and nothing had changed. Nothing was cleaned up.

And I just thought, okay, he's just being a breath. I'm just going to let him live like this. And if he wants to live in a messy room, let him live in a messy room. And I was failing at that time to realize that he didn't have a clue what to do. It was a skills issue, not a character issue, huh? Yeah. I mean, it's like what I'm finding out now is that I think he was suffering from anxiety or ADHD or something at that. time, you know, when this was the start of it because there was so much tension in our home.

And, you know, it's like I didn't recognize that. And it was over 40 years ago. And that stuff wasn't recognized and brought to people's attention. And it's like, I had no idea. You know, I just thought he was being a little brat. Sure. And honest, can we just say he probably also kind of was doing that too? it's both and right kids can be brats too right

pardon me like kids can be brats too yeah right yeah but it was probably all of it okay so fast forward me all the way till now he cut you off he didn't cut you off because of what happened 40 years ago why did he decide 14 months ago I'm going no contact with my mom what happened was there a thing that happened

no not really no There wasn't. Did he give you some big announcement, some long text message that said, I'm officially cutting you out? Like, how did it happen? Or he just stopped returning your calls? Yeah, he just wouldn't pick up the phone. He wouldn't return my text.

There was just nothing. Okay. How did your invitation to come visit him for the holidays come to be? All of a sudden that he just picked up the phone and he talked to me friendly and it was like I'm not sure how to talk about what to say. But, I mean, it's like all of a sudden he was talking like nothing had ever happened. But also, I have to say, when I was married to his father, it was an abusive relationship. It was mainly verbally abusive, but it also was physically.

abusive and I was seeing it that it was turning more and more towards that. And I had to get out of that marriage. I was just, I was so broken emotionally, mentally that I just, I was just, I was just out of it. And I was going through, you know, I tried to go to counseling with my husband at that time, and he just did not believe in it. And so he would tell my son all the time, well, your mother is crazy. She belongs in an insane asylum. Anybody that goes to counseling is crazy.

and, you know, the counselors had told me at that time that, you know, it's going to be very tough out there and stuff. And I knew that he was going to cut me off without a dime. I was going to be completely on my own to restart all over again. and I was afraid how it was going to take care of my son. And out of the counselors were telling me that at that age of 12 years old, that the courts allow the child to make a decision as to who he wants to stay with. And, you know, he chose to stay with his father. And, I mean, it's like I have had so much guilt and shame because of that decision that I left my son.

And I feel like I failed him at that time. And I have apologized to him so many times. What does he say when you apologize? The last time that I did, you know, when I was up there, he said, yeah, yeah, that's over with that's in the past. Okay. But I don't know if it is. At least it isn't for me, and I'm hanging on to that guilt. Okay.

So a couple of big things here, okay? Yeah. Number one, you are exactly right. In the 70s and 80s, is a very different world now. Okay. Yeah. I want to applaud you for choosing safety. That was, I mean, 40 years ago, that was, I mean, you were just legally, just barely allowed to get a mortgage on your own or to get your own checking account. Right? Yeah. That was a whole new world. And it's easy to look back from 2026 lens and go, I can't believe you did X-YPERS. It's the way it was. The courts put kids in insane positions to get them to choose. It's madness. No kid. can carry that weight, right? Right. And kids don't understand abuse. They understand candy and free time. And right. And so, I mean, I say that wrong. Kids do understand abuse, but they don't understand the dynamics in a marriage. They just know tension, not tension. And if one parent is trying to take the high road and shield them and the other

parent is saying, she's the reason while the tension's in the house, of course 12-year-olds are going to, right? So here's all this to say. Is there some truth? That you left your son with an abusive man? Yeah. There is. Yeah. Let's own, let's just own it. You have.

Was your son a victim of that abuse over time? You know, I think, you know, his telling him how awful I was and that I never loved him, otherwise I could have never left him. Sure. All that's, all that insanity that your husband, your ex-husband spewed all over your child. but I'm talking about, you know what, that's not even a good line of questioning. Let's just, let me pause right there, okay? Yeah.

Let's get right back to the original, original question. All right. You're watching replay in real time, an experience you lived through with somebody you love, right? Yeah. He's not abusive. Hold on, hold on, hold on, that you know of.

That I know of, yeah. Right? And who knows what? what he's experiencing at home. Who knows if the last year he didn't text or call as much or at all if he was trying to keep his head above water,

keep his marriage duct tape together. It may have just gotten away from him. Maybe it was appointed, I'm cutting you off, maybe, but maybe it was also, I'm just trying to get through each day because it's chaos here. Who knows?

I think that, yeah, I think that might be a lot of it because, I mean, it's like that house is, it's in disrepair. It's just a total mess. There's junk all over. Okay, hold on.

Here's what your son needs more than anything in the world. Okay? Yeah. Actually, I don't know what your son needs, and I especially don't know what he wants, but I can give you a hint that almost every son I know wants to know that his mom's proud of him, that she believes in him.

Yes. And then no matter how, How old they both are, she's still got his back. Yes, that's what I need to know. How can I be there for him during this rough time? You become the safest place possible. And how do I do that? Call him once a week.

You call him until he says stop calling me. And tell him, I just wanted to tell you today, I'm proud of the man you've become. I'm proud of the dad you are. If you ever need anything in the world, your number two cheerleader, which you should be number two behind his wife, one of your biggest cheerleaders in the world is right here. Well, his wife confided in me when I was up there that she hates the house. She thinks he has ADD or severe anxiety, which truly drives her much. she really didn't picture herself

being with a man who has children and she's considering moving into their camper trailer but don't get triangulated into that she's trying to drag his mother into her side so she can win I see because you know why I've got ADD too

yeah I've got anxiety too and my wife will burn down the side of the earth for me and I've had to make some pretty significant changes I've had to go get well and all that kind of stuff too. It's a context. It's not an excuse. That's all I'm saying.

And I'm sure your son plays his part. And I'm sure she plays it. Who knows? What I want to tell you is, in the same way you experienced, nobody really knew what was going on inside your house growing up. They just were able to listen to one story and pin you as the bad guy.

Don't make that same mistake in their home. Okay. Just let your son. son, no, I'm proud of you, and if you ever need anything, I'm right here. And the only way that can be done is through repetition, through not throwing solutions and fixes, and you need to's, and you should have, none of that. I just thought I needed to call you today. I wanted to call you today and tell you, I'm so glad I get to be your mom. I'm proud of the man you're becoming. I'm always in your corner. That's it.

Thank you. Thank you. That's simple and yet it's to the point. And what if he doesn't pick up the phone again, which I mean, it's like I've tried calling him several times. If he doesn't pick up the phone, you may have a 30-year history of every phone call turns into a big apology. And what about the, who knows? I don't know y'all's history. If he won't pick up the phone, you can leave him a voicemail or you can text it to him. Okay. And what he'll have is six months. of voice messages and text once a week, not crazy, not every five minutes. Right. But it will slowly seep in that woman's on my team. Okay. And by the way, this is really a vulnerable move for you

because he might tell you stop calling me, Mom. And if he does that, you're going to have to have a season of grief, heartbreak, sadness. And you've had a hell of a lot of that, right? Yeah. Yeah. But I promise you the person who knows more than anybody how tense his house is is him. Okay.

It's not like you're going to be like, you know what? I noticed these things and he's going to go, no way, that's what it is. He knows. He knows. My guess is he probably has nobody on his team. No, he does not. They don't go anywhere. He doesn't have any friends.

Okay. You know, there's nobody. I'm proud of you. I'm so glad that I get to be your mom. I'm always on your team. And if you have a history of fill in the blank, tell them. For the last 30 years, I've bombed you with advice

and trying to lecture you. I'm not doing that anymore. I just want you to know, I see you and I love you. Okay. And maybe if you have things left unsaid that you're like, I really want to tell them this, you start a journal and write all that down.

And maybe one day he'll knock on your door and be like, Mom, I need some help. And you'd be like, ha, ha, I've got a book. I'm ready, right? But what he needs to know right now is that his mom is proud of him. His mom loves him. His mom's on his team.

I'm not going to give you advice you don't ask for. I'm not going to tell you what you should have done or I made this. Because if he wants that stuff, he'll ask for. He may not even know if he can't ask for it. But if he said, Mom, it's in the past. Stop apologizing. Then listen to your son and stop apologizing. One way to do that, Becky, is I would write 22-year-old you a letter.

And let that woman off the hook. You've beaten her up enough. Enough. Write her a letter. Tell you're proud of her for doing the brave, scary thing. You regret that she walked out on her. All those things. All that stuff.

Write her a letter. And then stop carrying that brick with you into the present. It's just weighing you down now. I hate that he's going through this. I hate that you're going through this. And for all parents out there, What I'm hearing over and over from folks when I challenge them, I'm cutting my parents off.

It's not that they don't want to be around their parents, is that they're tired of the lectures. They're tired of even in their adulthood feeling less than. They're tired of being told, you should have. What kids really need to know is, my God, I'm proud of you. My God, I'm worried about you. My God, I love you. My God, if you ever need me, I won't, I won't lecture you.

I'll just listen. I'm here. That's what folks I'm hearing. over and over need. Thanks for a call, Becky. I love your heart. You've done some brave stuff over the years. Of course, you've got stuff you want to take back.

All of those stories have a period at the end. The only question is what story are you going to write next? Let that be one of support, care, presence. We come back. A woman asks how to avoid wanting to get back into an abusive relationship. We'll be right back. Montana Knife Company makes the best knives on the planet.

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And I just find myself missing him and, like, wanting to go back. And I just, I want to know how to move on. Oh, man. I'm so sorry. How long were we all together? We were together for, like, two years and then off and on for the last year. How old are you? 20.

20. How old is he? Also 20. Okay. So as much as you feel. comfortable. Talk to me about the abuse. Yeah, so it was, I mean, everything you can think of, and it started only three months in, which I find is kind of uncommon in those things. But it was physical, mostly sexual, and psychological. So why do you want to get out? Because I don't

deserve that. Okay. That's true. Go one step deeper. Someone will love me better. Okay, keep going I love myself more There we go Yeah I want more I'm worth more Yeah

So this is gonna sound like a crazy line of questions Will you go with me on it? Yeah What makes him awesome What makes him wonderful He Like at the beginning And when he goes back

Into that nice stage To get me back He's really nice Yeah What does really nice mean Um he cares like he showed that he cares about me

by I don't know like doing things and asking questions about my day and talking to me that's just like basic human interaction yeah yeah what makes it hard to leave I think I

actually I know that I I get scared that he's going to change for someone else and that I'm going to miss out on that what would you be missing out on I don't know him not being abusive. So the cycle of abuse, it's frustratingly routine.

Yeah. Which is it builds, and it builds, and it builds, and then there's a big explosion, there's a big incident. And in the abuser, this bill,

this pressure release, is gone. They can see the world a little more clearly. And they become the most glorious versions of themselves. And for those who love them,

it's really easy to believe the lie that that's the true them and that if you could say something different, if you could act a little bit different, if you just didn't put yourself in this position, if you just didn't wear this thing, if you just were enough or right, then they would be free to do

to be their full, glorious self all the time. Yeah. Or maybe somebody else out there would say and do the right things so they could be their glorious self all of the time. All of that points back to, that's the reason I was asking the question at the beginning. It points back to a strong, scared young woman who looks in the mirror and thinks the problem here at its root is me. And hear me say this with as much clarity as I can.

You're not the problem. Thank you. You're good. And can, I don't think I've ever even talked to, through this on the show before. Can we go a little bit deeper for a second? Yeah. One thing I've heard from folks over and over

who've been in abusive relationships is there's the abuse, there's the pain, there's the hurt, there's the, somebody's taking autonomy from all that stuff. Yeah. And underneath it,

there's that question of why did you, being you Katie, why did I allow this? what kind of person am I and you begin to almost in a weird way it's probably this is the wrong word to use but it becomes like a circular gaslighting of yourself

yeah you lose trust in you I can't even make good choices on safety I must be the problem like right and so it's not even a matter of just leaving him it's a matter of how do I look in the mirror and trust myself again I did that with that guy multiple times

times right yeah and sometimes instead of facing ourselves it's easier just to man think we can protect ourselves and go back in looking for that quote unquote true glorious version of that person so hear me say this as directly as i can you're worth trust in yourself this is this incredibly unsafe relationship and you know it and yes you deserve better and you want better and you're worth better and you're worth trust in yourself and the way we're going to learn to trust ourselves is to do the next hard thing even if it feels lonely scary whatever okay just because it hurts doesn't mean it's not the next right move yeah or let me say it directly i'm talking to you as the I was talking to my 10 year old daughter.

Please run. Yeah. And don't look back. Yep. And if you need two or three girlfriends to call when you want to call them, have that. And you're not crazy when you want to call them. You're not crazy if you miss him. You're not crazy if you're constantly asking yourself, what was it?

That's just part of, that's what makes being in an abusive relationship so damaging. It severes you from yourself. Yeah. Do you live with him? No. Okay. Are you economically independent? Can you pay your own bills?

Yeah. You have a place to go? Yeah. You have a safe place to go? Yeah. You paused on that one. Where are you going to go? My therapist and I had to make a plan.

He doesn't know where my aunt and uncle lives. Okay. Is it time for a restraining order? That's the other fun part is his whole family is. intertwined with mine. Have you sat down and talked to your folks? Are they trustworthy? Yeah.

What'd they say? Oh, my mom doesn't want me to go back. She also doesn't want me to take any legal action because I have to relive it. Does she have experience with this? Yeah. She does? Yeah. From your dad?

Yeah. I'm so sorry, Katie. Thank you. I guess what I would tell you is you're reliving it anyway, of course. I messed with my sleep, so I got diagnosed PTSD, and I'm looking into EMDR. But all of those solutions, all of that healing, the hitting's got to stop first. Yeah. I'm brokenhearted with you over the abuse.

I'm brokenhearted on you, I mean, with you over what this just does to your inside, like how you can trust yourself. And my God, I'm brokenhearted, that you've got people in your family who've experienced this too, and their story and their choices are encouraging you to remain in many ways to stay unsafe. Or let me say it from a healthy relationship. I don't care how intertwined my family is with somebody. If somebody hurts my daughter, we get untangled real, real quick. And I'm not the only one. I'm not some tough macho guy. I'm every other dad I know of.

Okay. Is your uncle and your aunt a safe place? Yeah. Okay. Do they know about your dad and your mom's situation too? Yeah. Okay. Would you do yourself the honor of asking their wisdom on restraining orders

and getting the authorities involved and getting some legal separation between the two of you? So we can't just find you and show up. I go to college in a different town from my hometown. And the police appear that he's technically not allowed in this town, but then when I go home, it just makes it difficult too. Okay. It may be that we're not going to go home for a while then,

and we're going to have to grieve that too. He took that away also. Yeah. Or your dad isn't a person of character enough to create a safe place for his baby, a girl to come home, no matter how old she is. Yeah. And you've been grieving that loss for a long time, huh? Yeah.

It's a strange, weird thing, how our bodies go to what? it knows. Yeah. It goes to what it remembers, even if what it remembers is bad. Yeah. So if your uncle and your aunt are great people and they can model for you, this is what a healthy home feels like. This is what safety feels like. Your body doesn't even know what that feels like.

Yeah. This is what love looks like. What's your dad say when you told them? Talk anymore. Okay, good for you. Are your mom and dad still married? No. Okay.

We'll make it a every semester thing to check back in with your campus police department to make sure. And I did that work for 20 years, working with campus officers to keep my students safe from off-campus. Okay? Okay. It can be done. And all of these actions you take are tiny little steps towards regaining trust in you. Yeah. That you're not what he says you are, and you're not what he did to you.

Yeah. Okay. Keep these two words in your head at all times. Seek safety. Okay. Cool. You're going to want, I mean, you call me anytime. Okay.

And we'll put you through, okay? Okay. Thank you. You're the bravest person I've talked to you today. I'm proud of you. Thank you. Okay. Today's day one.

You in? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. I'm proud of you. We're blocking everything today. We're done. We're going to run from this to you as far as possible.

Yeah. Thank you. All right. Blessings to you, sister. Thank you. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Sometimes it feels like everyone else's love lives are these perfect little hallmark movies.

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When it comes to love and relationships, everyone is still finding their way. Find yours. Visit betterhelp.com slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp. H-E-L-P.com slash Deloney. All right, we're back. Alex, taking the car keys from Kelly 1.0.

Gosh, man, the lack of mean looks you've given me today just restoring my faith in humanity. Thank you for that. Yeah, Kelly was getting a bit old that had to take the keys away. That's right.

She can only drive between the hours of 2 and 4 p.m. All right, what's up? All right, so Courtney says, I am happily married and I'm all of the sudden extremely attracted to a man I go to church with. It's embarrassing. Is it normal to experience attraction like this while being married? Am I the problem?

Read that again? Read it slow. You're making you put in extra work today. All right. You read fast. Read it slow. I need to comprehend this. I am happily married and I'm all of the sudden extremely...

Hold on. You sound like you're saying it. So this is a caller. Yes, Courtney. Okay. Courtney wrote in... I am not extremely attracted to a man at church I go to church with. Well, you are. Well, I don't go to your church.

That's why. All right. So Courtney wrote in and she has an, am I the problem question? Correct. And she is asking, okay, read it slowly for me? I am happily married and am all of a sudden extremely attracted to a man I go to church with. It's embarrassing and is it normal to experience attraction like this while being married. Yeah, you're going to be attracted to other people.

The word that she put in there is extremely. And that's the one that gives me pause. Yes. could be the happiest married person in the world and be like, gosh, that guy's awesome. She's beautiful. That guy's super handsome. That guy makes way more money than my husband. Like, that's normal, normal, normal.

The extremely, like, tells me it's when you start imagining what life would be with that person. When you start keeping a scorecard in your back pocket of how this person is better than the person you're with, this person understands me, this person's funny, this person makes more money, they drive a nicer car. And then that turns into, you know, contempt. My husband doesn't work as much. He has a job, doesn't pay. Like, that's when you get yourself into problems. But no, being attracted is just, like, that's part of human nature. People are just good looking.

People are just, there's just people you like being around. They're magnetic, and it's awesome. It's great, wonderful. It's when you start fantasizing, and I don't mean just in the bedroom, it's when you start imagining what my life would be, not with my person, but with them. that's when the, you shoot the text,

that's when you try to start wearing clothes to church or to work or whatever so that they'll comment on them. That's when you, that's when you get yourself into trouble. And so, no, you're not the problem

because you're attracted to somebody in church. That's called you're a human. It's what you do with that attraction, whether you acknowledge it and be like, yeah, dude's smoke show. And then you move on with your life or if it begins to take up real estate in your head,

or if it's an indicator of I actually am not attracted to the person I'm with and we need to have that hard conversation. So, there you go. What do you think about that, Alex? I'll let you know what I'm married. In like a few months. What a great answer.

It's all... It dodged the question like the Matrix, bro. I know, dude, just... Yeah, you're in that about to be married. There's only one for... Good, Alex, good. Bye.