The Dr. John Delony Show - I Don’t Find My Husband Attractive Anymore

Episode Date: July 25, 2025

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Big news! New dates for money and marriage getaway just dropped for Valentine's Day weekend 2026. Get tickets at ramsysolutions.com events to get away with your spouse in Nashville, Tennessee. I am just wondering how I can help my husband be healthier and have a healthier habit without him feeling like I'm judging him. I, it's an interesting question and we'll dig into what's going on with him, but I guess what I would say is I don't think judgment is always a bad thing.

What up? What's up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney show. Taking your calls on your mental and emotional health and your parenting and your kids and your whatever you got going on in your life. Good stuff, the bad stuff, the challenging stuff, whatever you got, I'm here. Thanks for calling. Thanks for being on the show.

Thanks for listening. If you want to be on the show, I'd love to talk to you. Go to JohnDoloney.com slash ask, A-S-K. Let's go out to Glendale, Arizona and talk to Rachel. What's up, Rachel? Hi, Dr. John. Thanks for having me. Of course. What's up? Well, I am just wondering your perspective of how I can help my husband be healthier and have like healthier habits without him feeling like I'm judging him. I, that's an interesting question and we'll dig into what's going on with him, but I guess what I would say is, I don't think judgment is always a bad thing. I think judgment from a hierarchical position

or something like, I think condescension is not good. But somebody calling out truth in reality is a good thing. That just means you love me and you care about me. You could do that in a way that's ugly and mean, but man, judgment with compassion is, it's accountability, it's awesome. It's a good thing. So tell me what's going on with your husband.

Well, last couple of years, and I'm not like more, I'm not concerned as far as like how much weight he's gained or like how he looks like that's not like my main issue. My main issue is just how it affects his overall health, like how he feels about himself and then how he's able to like interact with like our kids. Um, cause like there'll be times where our kids are tired or walking or whatever and I feel like I'm able to carry them longer And I don't complain about it as much as he does and or just like playing with our kids outside or I don't know So he just like doesn't like doing those things with our kids

Just I don't know. And then the thing, the part about it that like affected our relationship is the last like year or so, um, he started snoring really bad and I'm a very sensitive sleeper. And it was like right after coming off like a whole year of my first kid being an awful sleeper too. So I like didn't get a sleep for a year for my kid. And then it went straight into I'm not getting a sleep for a year because of my husband. And so then for like about a year we slept in separate bedrooms because he snores so bad. I couldn't ever fall asleep. And then anyways, and I don't know. So it

just like affected our family, affected my health, it affected our relationship, it's affected like how we interact with our kids. So it's just like, it's that aspect of it that I'm more concerned about. And I don't know like how to help him get better, I guess, I don't know. How have you talked to him about it in the past? So, I mean, and he's brought it it up too so it's not just like him being

oblivious and... No he knows he 100% knows. Yeah. Yeah he knows. Yeah so... But it's easy to get caught up in a spiral of... Yeah. I don't want to do the things that I want to do. I can't do the things I want to do. I'm exhausted playing with my kids. Being outside makes me sweat like crazy and then I get exhausted and the only thing that makes you feel better is eating something and My wife she doesn't worry about me sleeping with somebody else She but she can wake up in the morning be like somebody had junk food yesterday didn't they right? It's like because it makes me snore. I don't know why I'm sure there's some

Biophysiological reason that I don't I don't know but it swells sure there's some biophysiological reason that I don't know, but it swells me up, man. It makes me snore. She's like, oh, somebody had a beer last night or somebody had pizza for dinner. And so, yeah, it totally affects the house. And I've had to make dietary changes because it makes me feel better and I sleep deeper and all that. But I want to be a good dad and a good husband. So that's impacted my actions and behavior too.

How have you tried to talk to him about it? So I just have like sat down with him and I've tried to like make realistic goals. Like okay, well, this is what your schedule is. Like how many times can you go to the gym or even just like do something active? Like he has a bike. He can go on a bike ride. Cause he lives like right next to a trail. I don't know.

So I like, I'm like, when can you be more active? I try and figure that out or he'll say, cause then he comes up with like half of the ideas and then I just try and like support him as best I can. And he'll just say, okay, now I want to try fasting. So I'm not going to eat till noon. And then I'm going to stop eating at 8 PM. And then like two weeks goes by and then it's like nine 30 and he's like grabbing a bag of chips from the pantry. And I just looked at him and I'm like, didn't you say that you're going to be done at eight?

And he goes, yeah, but I'm really hungry. Like I just get really munchy at night. So it just like, whenever I try like hold into account for things that he says he's going to do, he just like ignores me or just like acts like he has no choice in the matter. He's like, Oh, I just, I'm hungry or I'm just too tired to go to the gym or, you know, so I just like, don't know how to like help him get out of that, like mindset of just like he's stuck where he's it where he's at And he can't do anything to change it because he doesn't have the motivation to yeah

so There's a couple things you can do first of all is Make sure you're prioritizing your health and your well-being and your emotional well-being and your spiritual well-being and like if you need to go talk to somebody you go talk to somebody and if this is setting off some alarms for you because your job was to make sure your dad or your mom was okay growing up and now you've married somebody else and you think it's your job and You weren't able to do that as a kid because no kid can do that for their parents and You're walking around feeling less than or like a failure. I want you to go talk to do that as a kid because no kid can do that for their parents and you're walking around feeling less than

or like a failure, I want you to go talk to somebody, okay? Okay. Is that fair? Yeah, and I would probably talk to somebody about a lot of other things too. I imagine so, I imagine so. So this kind of thing never happens in a context and I guess the way I would say it is whatever comfort food is providing him, it is working.

And so it is serving a role. And I've talked about this on the show with several people, when John Chris is on the show, when you spend time working with folks struggling with addictions, you realize, oh my gosh, alcohol's amazing, it works. It silences those demons. Gambling makes you, the pursuit of the score when you're gambling, it works.

It makes you feel a little bit less dead in your own skin When you don't like who you are or you're struggling with Body image issues or if you've got a history of abuse like any number of things food works Yeah, and it'll kill you Right. And so what we don't want to do is to just go around Kicking somebody's crutch out from under them when they have a blown out knee, right? Yeah. And so what we have to do eventually, what he has to do is get to the bottom of what

is eating allowing him to numb from? Is it that he doesn't know how to be a dad? Is it that it's just comfort behavior that he got when he was a kid because his parents were obese? Is he struggling with his job? Is he struggling with his wife? Did he have a screaming, screaming kid? And I can tell you from personal experience, I didn't know kids just cry sometimes when they're one years old or zero. I just thought I sucked at being a dad. Because I didn't even have the tools to comfort my own kid.

And so who knows what is going on in his mind, but the food is serving a role. And so beneath that stuff, that nine o'clock, those nine o'clock demons, if you don't have a journaling practice and you're not have a group of guys that you talk to and hang out with, et cetera, et cetera, nine o'clock, a way to shut those voices up

is to eat a bag of chips. Yeah, and he's told me before that it's like, it's just like the dopamine that he gets from eating like a sugary or like fatty or salty food. Cause he, I mean, he has ADD and so- Yeah, but I do too. I do too. But I feel like, yeah, I feel like he uses that. Yeah, but I do too. I do too. Yeah, I feel like he uses that.

Yeah, that's not how dopamine works. Dopamine is about pursuit. It's not about the reward. In fact, it's about I'm gonna get the chips. I'll get the chips, go get the chips. They're right in there, get the chips, get the chips. And as soon as you take that first bite of chip, your body smashes on the pain response.

Yeah. And so it's not about that, it's about the pursuit of. And so what we always tell folks, what I have to tell myself all the time, I had to tell myself this morning, what we're always telling folks about dopamine is, earn your dopamine. Right? And that's hard to do if you've never done that.

Having a regular exercise practice is hard. It was Jocko Willinick that in a private conversation in the green room five years ago, and if you know Jaco, just very brief and quick, and then my conversations with my great friends at Mind Pump, those guys, my great friend Lane Norton, great friend Jordan Syatt, Lane gave me the term stepping over $ dollar bills to pick up nickels. And Jaco gave me the just show up and do it. Just like, cause I was saying something about I couldn't do that many pull-ups.

And he goes, yeah, you can, you just don't. Yeah. And I was like, oh crap. So I started with one, with one and I can do a whole bunch of them. But it was like, oh yeah, you're right. It's just a thing. But going from diet to diet to this to that,

what he's chasing is that pursuit of, right? And once you start doing it, it just kind of wears off. The thing you have to just keep doing is just keep doing the same old thing over and over and over again and showing up for yourself and showing up for yourself. And here's the problem. Most folks who struggle like he's struggling

right now don't believe they're worth showing up for. Because showing up every day is boring, showing up when you don't want to, motivation's a fickle, fickle mistress, right? She never shows up so you got to do it even though you're not feel motivated and yada yada yada, you know all this stuff. Yeah. At the end of the day, I want you to make sure you're taking care of you. The second thing is I want you to sit down with your husband and say, hey, you've brought this up, I've brought this up. If we keep doing the same thing and we're not getting any different result, at some

point it's on us. So we have to do something different. What we're doing is not working. Yeah. Either you make a blood oath, a spit shake, I promise you promise, we're gonna do the same thing for 60 days. And you get to pick whatever that is.

If you ask anybody who does exercise and nutrition, anybody will tell you what workout program, like the one you'll stick to, just do that. Unless you've got some very specific goals, but he's not at those specific goals yet, other than just to keep doing it. James Clear will say, drive to the gym and just commit to sitting in the parking lot

for a few minutes and then go home. Just practice doing that, right? Whatever that thing is. Y'all can do that. I don't think that's gonna work in your case. I think y'all need to go talk to somebody. Okay. I'm gonna hook y'all up.

I'm gonna hook him up with a free, I think it's three months of Trainwell, the app that sponsors my show. Oh my gosh. I've used it, my wife uses it, my Kelly 1.0 uses it, my manager uses it, his wife. It's an amazing tool and it takes all of the excuses away because it's literally a personal trainer plus a program.

And you know what the program can be? Anything you want. You wanna lose weight, you wanna get stronger. It can be 30 minutes, it can be an hour and a half. They'll dial it in for you. Okay? Yeah, I mean, that would be awesome. Cause I have like a background in like nutrition and fitness

and it's like I tell him what he needs to do. And yeah, he doesn't listen to me. Doesn't matter. Doesn't matter. Doesn't matter. I do too. And my, you can imagine how well it went when I suggested what workouts my wife should be doing. Not well.

Yeah. You know what I mean? And it's fine, it's totally fine. It's totally fine. Yeah, yeah. Right, so all that to say is I'll hook you up. So stay on the line here and we'll get y'all's information He can get hooked up with that app. But here's the thing. You gotta use it for 60 days

Yeah, and you can't go full crazy mode like hour and a half workout every day smash He's gonna get hurt in two weeks and then he's gonna sit out Yeah, because that's happened so many times before I know where he's like We'll tweak his shoulder and then he's out for six months. I know, and when you tweak your shoulder, you get up the next day and you walk. And if you tweak your ankle, you just do curls and shoulder, I mean.

And that's why I tell him. I know, I know, but he can't hear it from you. So here's the thing, maybe you tell him, I don't wanna lose you over this. So I'm gonna stop coaching you. I will tell you that your health matters to me, your health matters to our kids. And I want you to be at our daughter's wedding.

I want you to be able to take your grandson fishing and at this pace, you're not gonna be there. And so in the early stages, if you don't believe you're worth it, do it for them because they think you're worth it. Just keep showing up every day. And if you tweak your shoulder, go for a walk or a jog. And if you tweak your foot, just do upper body stuff. But do something.

Hey, that's by the way, that's my motto. Just do something. Some days I get 15 minutes way, that's my motto. Just do something. Some days I get 15 minutes, that's all I get. This morning I got like an hour and a half. It was awesome, it was glorious. I don't always get that, right? So then we just get a few minutes. But I think at some point you have to call it and say,

I'm gonna stop coaching you. I don't wanna lose our marriage over the fact that I'm telling you to do this, you don't do this. And I'm just gonna stop. And by the way, here's another thing, take all the chips out of the house, take the junk out of the house and fill it with fruit, fill it with good stuff for you.

And if it's in the house, I'm gonna eat it. I just am. If it's in my house, I'm gonna eat it. And so I don't. And when I used to teach grad classes at night, my wife and the kids would have gluten Tuesdays or gluten Thursdays. They'd go eat pasta and they'd go eat pizza.

They'd go enjoy themselves. It was awesome. And we also knew that when dad eats pasta, he snores like crazy and it keeps the whole house up and yada yada. So there's fun ways to do it. And my daughter can't eat peanuts. Cool, whenever she's gone, snores like crazy and it keeps the whole house up and yada yada. So there's fun ways to do it. And my daughter can't eat peanuts. Cool.

Whenever she's gone, my son and I get Reese's peanut butter cups cause they're amazing, right? So it's about loving each other through each other's individual challenges, but I'm going to stop coaching you. That's not helpful. I will tell you that I've come to a point where I'm scared for you. I'm worried about your health and I don't want to sit in judgment of you. I want to sit in at the table with you and look across the table and say, I love you.

And I just don't want to see you miserable. I don't see you not loving yourself. I don't want our kids to pick up on that. And our kids miss their dad. If not for you, for them, at least to get going. And eventually it'll have to be for you. But I think the best place to start right now is with the counselor, because it sounds like he's got some bigger demons that he needs to work through. Thank you so, so much for the call.

When we come back, a woman asks how to handle jealous grandmas. Oh, great. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Life can be a mess. You know what else can be a mess? Work! Your workplace can be so stressful. And when what else can be a mess? Work! Your workplace can be so stressful and when your regular life and your work life collide, your mind and your body and your soul

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I'm finally home for the summer after being on the road and that means I get to sleep on my Helix mattress. And for everybody all of us summer is here. Sun's up earlier, the kids are all over the place and if you're like me your daily routine has exploded. And when that happens what's the first thing that just goes away? Sleep. We get up really late, we stay up really late, we abandon sleep. And when I'm not sleeping well, I'm short with my wife,

I'm grumpy with my kids, and everything feels harder than it should. And I know that's the same in your life too. Sleep is not just about closing your eyes and resting, it's about showing up the next day as the kind of person you want to be and the kind of person your family needs you to be. That's why I love getting home to sleep on my Helix mattress. Before Helix I tried all kinds of mattresses. They were too soft, too stiff, they had memory foam that just like enveloped you like quicksand, you

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just for you. And right now, my audience gets extended access to their ongoing Fourth of July sale for 27% off the entire Helix site. Go to helixsleep.com slash deloney and get 27% off. That's helixsleep.com slash deloney. With Helix, better sleep starts right now. Louisville, Kentucky. Let's talk to Jamie.

What's up, Jamie? Hey, Dr. John. How are you? I'm good. What do you think? What's up? I got the mama drama. Oh, good. Good, good. What's up? It's a battle between my mother-in-law

and my mother, where I'm kind of stuck in the middle. So a little bit of context, my husband's an over-the-road truck driver, so he's gone the majority of the time, and I stay home with our kids. And so I'm responsible for all of the pickup drop-offs, all of the visitation, having fun,

summer activities that we've got going on. My mom is over the top with everything. Her two favorite lines are, well, that's what grandma's are for and well, I don't see the problem. That's such a Southern, Louisville thing to say. I don't see a problem. I don't see the problem. And so it's a hundred times worse when she's on social media. Of course. I don't see a problem. I don't see the problem.

And so it's a hundred times worse when she's on social media. Of course. This is where Mother-in-Law comes in because my mother-in-law is very much a homebody and she's very plugged into social media. So every time she sees something that my mom has posted, which again is over the top of look what we've done, look what I've done, look here's what we've done, she gets jealous and I'm stuck in the middle of how to keep the boundaries that we've set for our kids because you say it all the time like our job is to keep them safe and so I'm trying to maintain those boundaries but

also trying to make it fair, trying to make it, you know. You can't. Okay, so here's number one. In my house with my extended family, with extended friends, there are no pictures of my kids on the internet that I know of. You cannot post pictures of my children on the internet. And you can't put on social media, especially.

And if you say, I don't care if that's a problem, I'm just telling you right now, I've had conversations behind closed doors with some of the experts, it's a problem. Especially with AI, gobbling up all the images. I don't want pictures of my kids on social media. God help them. And so that solves that problem right there.

That can be a hard conversation. You can tell your mom you met with an expert today and from this point forward, all pictures of kids deleted off of social media and we're not putting any more on. And if she doesn't want to do that, that's fine, but you can't have my kids then. And here's where this is headed, JB. There will be an explosion at some point. The earlier you have the conversation the smaller the the the blast radius That's what I'm afraid of don't be afraid of it. It's coming and

So like it's kind of like I'm scared if a bear is coming No a bear is charging for you the further away you shoot that bear the the more likely it is to not come destroy your house. But if you wait till it gets in the kitchen, there's gonna be a lot of mess and a lot of chaos and a lot more people can get hurt. So, okay, so with that being said, my mother-in-law likes to make passive aggressive comments. She gets to, she gets to, you can't control that.

Okay. Let her be as passive aggressive as she wants to, who cares? And if she's saying things that undercut you or that are ugly or whatever, your husband needs to step in with his mom and say, hey mom, is there a problem? Like you keep saying this, keep saying this, keep saying this. Get to the main point, What are you worried about? I just feel like y'all don't love me as much as you love the other grandma or whatever. Let's just get to that stuff. So it does need to be him. I, that's, I think so.

Okay. That's, that's my biggest fear is that that he's he's a very black and white person But I also recognize that he's on the road so he doesn't have the immediate Backlash that I get he doesn't get that immediate. He can just use driving. Okay. Okay, but tell me this Like the words you're using are are so grandiose backlash Like what's the backlash? Like give me an example of something passive aggressive

that your mother-in-law says. That feels like backlash. So the most recent, yeah, the most recent, we had a quick change of plans. It was completely out of our control. The boys were supposed to visit with her at a mutual cousin's birthday party. And my husband stopped by to drop off the gift and her statement was, oh, well, are they

going to your mother-in-law's? Because of course they would be going somewhere else if they're not going to be coming to visit me. Okay, pause right there. It was immediately. Pause right there. Okay. She gets to say that.

You get to decide whether you let that statement wormhole its way into your heart and mind and spirit and challenge your parenting and challenge your plan making and challenge what's going to be best for your family. But trying to get her to not make those statements or let's be honest, trying to get her to not make those statements, or let's be honest, trying to get her to not feel less than her other grandma, like her other in-law, you can't, I mean, that's a fool's errand. You can't do anything about that.

Let her say those things. And then your husband could say, yeah, we had a whole change of plans. It's a whole thing, but yes, she's with my mother-in-law right now. We can't wait till I'll get to see him again. Well, I'm just disappointed. I know, I am too.

You all have a great day. And so my question for you, JB, because you're the only person that you can impact here, is why are these voices making you doubt what kind of great mom you are? Um, I did not expect this call to get so deep so quick. I think it's because I'm trying to break unsafe cycles that I had growing up. Okay.

And, but I'm also a people pleaser, So I'm also the person who is like trying to make everybody happy. And I don't know where that line is. I don't know where the line is to just be like, no, the answer is absolutely no. My husband has no problem with that. Me, I feel like, hey, I'm sorry that this didn't work out because we had an emergency where we had to go into town and Take the cat to the vet and I'm so sorry, but And my husband says that's all extra work He's a thousand percent right, but hey

They're all extra words you don't need an explanation, but here's the thing You you started the call by telling me you have a mother that just blows you off. And I bet since you were a little kid, your feelings didn't matter. What you thought about something just didn't matter. And you spent your life making sure mom didn't get mad. Or mom didn't get crazy or mom didn't embarrass everybody. Mom didn't throw a fit in a restaurant because there was mayonnaise on something that she said, there's no mayonnaise on. Right?

Right. So you're just doing what you know to keep you safe. Don't beat yourself up over it. It's not a matter of character. It's not a matter of character, it's not a matter of morality, it's just a skillset. And you just need to learn a new skillset. And by the way, breaking a cycle, just listen to that language,

breaking a cycle when something gets broken, usually something hurts. There's no way to break a cycle without getting some sort of bruises and scars on yourself. And it's gonna be the grandkids or the great grandkids you may never get to meet that will have more peaceful lives because at one point you stood and turned and faced it down. lives because at one point you stood and turned and faced it down. And that's, that's one of my biggest fears that she's going to do the same thing to

the boys. At least my mother-in-law is blamed at me, which again, I can handle. I'm the adult, so I can talk to my husband about it. We can have that conversation, but I don't want those grudges to be turned to the boys. I don't want those to be- Listen, that's anxiety. That's you projecting a scenario into the future and worrying about it in the present. Don't do that.

That's a way to avoid feeling what you feel right now, which is annoyed because it's not supposed to be like this. Mother-in-laws and grandparents are supposed to be just amazing. And they're supposed to be a comforting, ah, and they can be frustrating sometimes. And they are people and they have feelings too. And it's not supposed to be like this, but it is. And so when it gets to the future and you find out one of

either your mother or dad or your in-laws or saying stuff to your boys that you don't appreciate or you don't care for, let's deal with that then. Let's don't go there now. Let's stay in the now. And the now is you got a mother that's been blowing through your boundaries your entire life and at some point you're going to have to stare her down and say no. Or you're going to have to let her just run her mouth and you still have to take the cat

to the vet. So who cares? Right. And you have a mother-in-law who let's flip the flip this whole thing on its head who wants nothing more She doesn't even like her other grandkids those knuckleheaded cousins She just likes your boys and she gets sad when they're not around and when she gets sad, she just says stuff I guess I get that I am part of my frustration with my mother-in-law is that of any of the family She probably has the most time on her hands to make an effort and she does it like

We invite her everywhere. Well, we invite everyone we invite all sides of the family We're we have an extended family can both of our families were divorced You know and we invite everyone everywhere at every single time and we offer to bring We have an extended family because both of our families were divorced. And we invite everyone everywhere at every single time and we offer to bring when we can. And it just seems like the effort is 100% on us to make sure that she specifically gets to see the kids. Okay, well then JB stop.

And grieve the fact that you have a grandparent that doesn't want to see your kids. Because you have a picture in your head of what you want this thing to look like and right now you're killing yourself trying to make that picture a reality. Stop. Because here's what's happening. Your kids feel that tension on the way to grandma's house. And they feel the angst every time. And so this thing you're trying to force into the universe

is not helping your kids and it's not helping your mother-in-law and it's certainly not helping you or your marriage. Stop and grieve that picture. Does that make sense? I know it's heartbreaking, but it's just reality. And if she wants to be involved, then she can be involved. Or you can send one message or one text and if she doesn't respond or doesn't show up, great.

We can tell our kids, grandma didn't make it this time. Look how much fun we're gonna have. And as they get older and they begin to ask, why doesn't grandma ever wanna come? Why doesn't she show up? You can say, she's missing out. We don't ever know what other people are thinking or believing, but she's missing out.

I guess, I guess hear me say this in global. And by the way, I'm so grateful JB you called because this is pervasive all over the country right now. Millions of people are going through this exact thing right now. It's one of the most common questions I get on the show. And here's what you get to decide. You get to decide whether passive aggressive comments

are gonna cause you one second of grief or not. You get to choose that. Are they annoying? Yes. Are they unnecessary? God, yes. Are they frustrating? Of course.

You get to decide whether you think you're a bad mom because somebody else popped off at the mouth. You get to choose your boundaries for your kids. And if you have a parent like yours or an in-law that constantly blows through them, you get to choose about how that plays out. But you will have a showdown at some point. The quicker you have that, the better.

And I think all of us had pictures of what it would be like with our grandparents. I had one set of grandparents that were so crazy involved, and I had another set of grandparents that just absolutely were not at all. I still don't understand why. It's just reality. It just is. It's what they chose. And I like to think they missed out on some great fun adventures, because I like to think I was a great fun adventurous kid. And my brother and sister were great fun adventurous kids. We're all different. Could have been a cello concert, could have been a rock show, could have been a football

game, could have been a band concert, could have been an academic decathlon. We're all different, but they missed out and they chose that. They get to choose that. And so I think you grieve that picture. And then I've got to decide what I'm going to do the next day because I'm not going to continue to let that, their decision make me choose misery every day. So I think that's what it comes down to is, I mean, if you've got a picture of all four grandparents sitting around a table, everybody laughing or you got divorced, you got eight grandparents, 16 grandparents, everybody's sitting around having fun.

It may just be, we're gonna grieve that because that picture's not gonna be true. And then I'm gonna go about dealing in reality and the people that wanna be there, we're gonna have a great time. Is that heartbreaking? Yes. Is that reality?

Yeah, it is. Thank you for the call, JB. We come back, a woman wonders how to accept her husband's lack of planning. Oh jeez, we'll be right back. Poncho is back as a supporter of this show and I am hyped about it. If you've seen me talking on stages across the country, if you come out to one of my shows, or if you watch this show, or if you recently saw me on a fishing trip with my son out in the Gulf Shores, Alabama area, or maybe you've even seen me

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But we only have A million subscribers a little over a million Please take a second and hit the subscribe button on youtube. Please take a second and hit the subscribe button on YouTube. Please take a second and hit the subscribe button. Whether you're listening to Apple Podcasts or on Spotify, it makes a huge difference for the algorithms and all that entails. Thank you so, so much. All right, let's go out to Boise, Idaho,

and we're not gonna talk to Romeo. We're gonna talk to Juliette. What's up, Juliette? Hi, so my question was how to, like how can I be less obsessed with planning? Especially like how my husband plans, cause I've always been- Is this my wife?

I've always been obsessed with planning and been very organized and type A, eldest daughter stereotype. And he's not like that. And I'll just say he's been, and he's not like that. And I'll just say he's been very successful before we were married and I'm sure we had everything we need and then some, um, so I'm very grateful for him and I just have like, feel that need to control come up and then like I'll say stuff and I just feel

like it shows, makes him think I don't trust him. And I don't want to be that wife You know, that's like trying to nitpick and stuff just because I can't let go So underneath control is Feeling a lack of safety So, where do you not feel safe in your marriage right now Is it financial? Is it emotionally? Is it sexually? Like where do you not feel safe in your marriage right now? Is it financial? Is it emotionally?

Is it sexually? Like, where do you not feel safe? I feel safe in my marriage. I think maybe it's not a marriage thing because I've been like this since before I was married. Like, when I was single, I would just, and like as a teenager, I would always be like really obsessed with like making stuff happen how I wanted it. Why do you not like that about yourself?

Because I see how everything always works out and then I tell myself, oh, it worked out because I was obsessed with like making it happen a certain way. I don't like it about myself and marriage because it just, I feel like is making my husband who I love, you know, more than anyone feel like I don't trust him. And I do, and I have every reason to trust him. We have a house, we have, our finances are very well in order.

We have more than enough. And I just, I just like without. So give me an example of you feeling like you need to. Okay, let me tell you, I've got a context here. So how long have you been married? Two years. Okay. And I've been a stay at home mom for eight months.

Okay. Yeah. So there's that too. Thanks for putting that out there. If anything will exacerbate an already innate internal challenge. It will be being stuck at home alone with a one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight month old. Good gosh. All right. So I've been married 22 and a half years. A note, we celebrate 23 and like in a month or two. So we just got done with a quick, we, I

was on tour for two months, I was on the road all over the place and we put a short little beach trip with me and my wife and the kids. Here's how I plan stuff. On the way to the beach I would try to find a hotel and I would call them on the way and be like, hey, y'all got any rooms? And they'd be like, no. And I would just call around until I landed on a place and having a wife and kids that isn't a good way to do that. And so one of the agreements is when we decide, hey, we're going to go for a quick weekend

trip to the beach, we're going to drive, we're gonna go for a quick weekend trip to the beach. We're gonna drive, we're gonna have a fun road trip, and then we're gonna go fishing, and my wife and my daughter loves to go to the beach, whatever. So my wife and I, when we sit down and say, we're gonna do this thing, she loves Trip Advisor, she loves getting online, she loves digging into the deals,

she loves all that. And so she'll say, what do you want this trip to feel like? What's your picture of this trip? And I'll say, I want to do some fishing. I want to just be outside. I don't want to do a lot of talking. We have a 15 year old son who would give up his whole life

if he could just fish all day. And so that's what I would love to do. And I'd love there to be a kitchen. So if we catch something, we can cook it. And she says, great. And then I delegate that part to her. She takes it over. It brings her joy to see like intensely plan something

and then see it come to fruition. That ruins a trip for me having to plan it in detail. It makes it not fun. And so driving up to the place where we stayed this past weekend was so rad. And seeing that she picked between the beach and this lagoon that was close enough for us to walk and go fit, it made me feel so loved.

And it made her feel loved that I didn't try to just wing it like I like to do stuff. And so that's just a snapshot into our life. I'm married to someone who loves planning. Her love language is a spreadsheet and a list. And the reason that we work well together is she would just get up at the exact same time, pay every bill on time, go to bed at the exact same time, and that would be her life.

Then she would just die. And I would, I don't know, I don't know when the electricity would be on or off, I would just be like, I don't know, what do you guys want? Like that would be my whole life, it'd be chaos. And so I bring some excitement and fun into her life, and she brings order and stability into my life, and that's what we work with.

And so tell me where this gets exacerbated in your life or is there a place where your planning and your love for controlling outcomes can be the greatest gift your husband ever married into? And vice versa, he can press you to have a little bit more fun and excitement and adventure than you might have otherwise had. Yeah.

Well, where it comes up in a disaster beta right now is like we're in a, he's in like a career switch change right now. And so like I want to have all the urgency and he's decided what he's going to do. He's going to go back to school and all that good stuff. And I just wanna like plan out like, okay, well you have to get this, you have to apply here, you need to go get your G, you know, but like he knows how to do that. I know he knows and I just need to stop.

I don't think so. I don't think so. You know, this deadline is August 1st and I know he could do it on his own. I just wanna like, you know what I mean? Yeah, but hold on, be honest. Does he miss stuff sometimes? No, I think he just is slower at doing things than I would.

Like I don't feel that urgency all the time and that stresses me out. Okay. So it's not wrong and it doesn't make you a nag, it doesn't make you a whiner or a complainer if you said, hey, I feel like I have more urgency around this. My picture of this next season looks like X, Y, and Z. Is he going to be working while he's in school or are you all just going to be living off savings? Well, we have enough to pay for his school all the way through and I think he's just and he's going to work part time or a little over part time I think.

It would really give you some peace in your soul if you had it budgeted out for the next two years while he was in grad school, right? Yeah. Yeah. That doesn't make you crazy. Okay. He's quitting his job with you have an infant in your house. It doesn't make you nuts to be a little bit heightened.

And y'all are both both like handshaking on this investment moving forward in his schooling. Great. But you're not crazy to say, Hey, we have a little one now and I'm feeling a little bit extra pressure. Can we map out when you're going to take this GRE and when you're're gonna take this GRE and when you're gonna take this exam and when you're gonna hit all the application Deadlines, I just need to know for my sanity That's a good way to put it because that's like on me and not like Saying he's doing you know what I mean? Yeah, but but here's what you're giving him the Gottman's call him love maps

I like to call him roadmaps just because love map I don't know it just feels weird to me, but they're the goats and so I wanna give homage. What you're giving him is a roadmap for how he can love you and bring you this feeling of safety and security in his new marriage with his new wife and his new baby. Okay. You're giving him a map.

And if you say something as simple as, I feel loved when as many of the variables that we can control when we have them mapped out. And you can tell them, I know you feel loved when there's a little bit room for chaos. What did that look like on our trip that we just had? We had some plans. And then, this... I've never caught Spanish Mackerel, but the particular beach we happened to be at, the Spanish Mackerel were running like crazy.

And so my wife was like, Jess, forget the evening plan. You and Hank go catch fish. And I was like, I'll be back at 7.30. At like 9.30, I was like, it's still going. And she's like, of course it is, stay out all night.

Like, you'll have fun, we're going to bed. And so there was room for adventure and silliness. Do you get what I'm saying? Yeah, that makes sense. That's a great tool that I can use to like, feel, yeah, like a little bit more safe, like you said. But anytime you feel like I'm nitpicking and I am nagging, I want you to ask yourself, and sometimes this is just for me, putting my fist in my chest, like, or putting a hand on my chest and just asking, where do I feel unsafe right now?

Is it, do I think I'm going to lose my job? Who do I need to go talk to? Do I feel like I'm about to buy something that I can't afford? Who do I need to like walk through my finances with me? Like what is that thing that you feel out of control on? And then exhale and write it all down. Here's where I feel out of control. Or like you said, a sense of urgency. And it's okay to tell your husband, I feel a sense of urgency on this thing. And I feel like you don't have a sense of urgency. And it's okay to tell your husband, I feel a sense of urgency on this

thing and I feel like you don't have a sense of urgency on it. Can we just compare pictures of what we think the next two months are going to look like? It will make me feel loved. And if he's the kind of guy that I think he is, he's going to be like, oh, sweet. That's how you feel loved? Awesome. Especially if you you smile and say and I'm so glad I married you because I'm gonna have a lot more fun in my life just because you're in my life Mm-hmm, and also I'm already projected out if our daughter's gonna have any diapers over the next Two years while you're working part-time. I just want to see it on the spreadsheet Can we just see that can we just see see that please? Can we just see that?

Right? That doesn't make you a bad wife or annoying or whatever. If you start saying, I control every variable and I do everything without procrastinating and whatever, and I'm superior to you, that's when you've got a problem. But I don't hear that at all. I don't hear like you think you're better than him. I just hear that you do it differently than he does.

You've both been successful and you wanna loosen up a little bit. Awesome. You loosen up not by forcing yourself but you loosen up by feeling safe. And you can have that conversation with him. Do that tonight. Just say, hey, this will make me feel loved.

How can I love you? That's a great place for a young married couple to start. We'll be right back with something great. Everything is about technology and digital footprints and people having all your information, but you don't even know it. Does that terrify you every email you send, every text message you send, every website you go to? Listen, that's why I gotta tell you about my friends at Delete Me.

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Go to joindeleteeme.com slash deloney right now. All right, we're back with something great. Am I the problem, Kelly 2.0? Go for it. All right, this is from Lindy in Reno, Nevada. She writes, my boyfriend of about one year used to frequent a local pub before we were together. Recently, he went to the pub without me

to have a beer with the guys, and the female bartender asked him where he'd been and that she hadn't seen him in a while. He replied, oh, you know, the old ball and chain. I asked him why he would say that and if he felt like I weighed him down. He replied, it was just a joke, but I feel very disrespected.

Am I the problem? We're doomed as a species. Oh, man. I'm telling you, we've got to learn to take a joke. We've got to learn to take a joke and to laugh more. I can't tell you what to feel. Listen, if if him saying the old ball and chain, or my old lady, I had a girlfriend one time that I call I used to call I used to call everyone I would date my old lady. Like I don't know, that was just a thing.

I don't even know where I got that from. She said that made her feel so special. Like, she was like an entrenched girlfriend. Like I'm your old lady. Like she loved that. And I remember when I was like a brand new newlywed, I was speaking at some event and there was a musician there. And I said a couple of jokes about my new wife.

You know, she's not here so I could tell the jokes. And he said at the, like we were just out backstage and he said, and he's still my friend to this day. And I remember being amazed that he had the courage to say this. He just said, hey, I didn't like that. I looked at him and my jokes, they were kind of mean spirited. They were just kind of just jokes like,

and he said, there's two kinds of guys in the world. One that bags on their wife at the water cooler and guys that don't. I like being around guys that don't. And that was all he said. And I remember that changed me forever. And there's a difference between making mean-spirited jokes about your wife or your girlfriend and good grief.

Just- It's a small talk. It's just like- Haven't just, God almighty. So here's the thing. I can't tell you what to feel. If hearing your boyfriend of a year call you the old ball and chain, if that just causes a trauma response in you, then have the courage to tell him, this makes me feel small when

you say this. There is another way to look at that and say, I'm his girlfriend, of course I'm not a ball and chain, he's hanging out with the boys being silly and he's being silly. So I don't know. My gut tells me take a joke and let's all just laugh a little bit more in our lives. And also if there's a specific thing that hurts your feelings, feel free to say that

out loud. So that's kind of what I think. What do you think Kelly 2.0? If your husband called you the old ball and chain, would that break your heart? Would that make you sad? I'd be like, yeah, I'm the old ball and chain. We just got married. You need to be at home. Ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Ah. We're not doomed. We just need to laugh more. Love you guys. Bye. Woo.