The Dr. John Delony Show - I Don't Know How to Have Fun Without Alcohol

Episode Date: August 30, 2021

The Dr. John Delony Show is a caller-driven show that offers real people a chance to be heard as they struggle with relationship issues and mental health challenges. John will give you practical advice on how to connect with people, how to take the next right step when you feel frozen, and how to cut through the depression and anxiety that can feel so overwhelming. You are not alone in this battle. You are worth being well—and it starts by focusing on what you can control. Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show. We want to talk to YOU!   Show Notes for this Episode My husband and I recently divorced after 26 years and our 3 boys have a bad view of marriage. How do I let them know that marriage is a good thing and that I still believe in the institution? My ex and I have shared custody of our boys and they are showing signs on emotional abuse. What should I do? How do I have fun without alcohol? I am trying to prioritize my health and that means cutting back but I don’t know how to socialize without it. Lyrics of the Day: "If You Could Only See" - Tonic   As heard on this episode:  BetterHelp dreamcloudsleep.com/delony Conversation Starters Redefining Anxiety John's Free Guided Meditation Ramsey+   tags: substance abuse, marriage, parenting, divorce, abuse, kids, friendship   These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.

On today's show, we talk to a mom who's been divorced, but she's trying to teach her sons that marriage can be good. We also talk to another divorced mom whose ex-husband is being a jerk to her sons and she doesn't know what to do. And finally, we talk to a woman who's trying to create a life where she doesn't need to drink to get through it. Stay tuned. What's up? What's up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. I hope you're doing so good and hope your family's well, everybody's healthy, school is back in action, whatever that means for

you and your family. I'm trying to figure out what that means for me and my family. James, Kelly, y'all back in? My kids went today. My baby started high school. Is that why you're smiling from ear to ear? Like, oh, they're back. My little one went to high school today, so it's kind of hard. Yeah. Is that a tear I see?

No. No. No. James? But yeah, my kids started school, homeschool, but they started school today too. That's pretty cool. It's very cool. I appreciate you holding them on the same schedule. I noticed and the callers have noticed that you seem to have a wildly inaccurate grasp of time zones when you call someone in our same time zone or maybe even an earlier time zone. You're like, man, sorry, it must be super early there. And it's like the same time as here or like one hour. Like people think we record our show like in Bermuda or something. But sometimes we're recording at 8.30 and then somebody calls from Los Angeles. But usually it's like Michigan, which is actually Eastern time zone.

I was looking at an old call or listening to an old call just the other day and this happened. You said, it must be the middle of the night for you. And she said, it's 8.30. Listen. No, so to help you out, look to the right of the trash can. I have a little note for you there. A little cheat sheet, if you will.

There you go. It's a time zone chart. We can just keep it on your desk. Now, that assumes he knows the states. They're labeled on the sheet. Oh, look at that. Alabama, Alaska, Arizona, Arkansas. Do you know where they are?

Yes, I used to be a geography teacher. Doesn't mean a lot. Doesn't mean a lot. Can I tell you a great story about that? So first day of school, and by first day of school, I mean day one. It's awesome. The kids are coming in, and I'm greeting them. I'm this 21-year-old coach.

Not the smartest guy in the world, clearly. And one kid comes in, and I ask him his name, and he's really kind. He's got a unique name. And I say, hey, where's that name? What's the origin of that name? Where are you from? And he said, Sri Lanka. And I said, that's fantastic.

Where is Sri Lanka? And just one of my punk students just goes, ain't you the geography teacher? And I was like, oh, no, you're exactly right. I didn't know where Sri Lanka was. And so I really had to put the time in. It wasn't great. Not one of my proudest professional moments. Much like we're getting up on the one-year anniversary,

and we did some, like, in review for an upcoming episode. After about the third one of the old shows I watched, and we did some, like, in review for an upcoming episode. Whew. After about the third one of the old shows I watched, I, for real, started looking for jobs on the internet. Like, I used Ken Coleman's Career Finder, and I just don't think this is the right thing for me, guys. You've grown a lot in the last year. Listen, I...

Whoa. We'll save it for that episode. All I can say is, whoa. All right. Well, thank you, geography bullies. Is that what you're supposed to say now when anyone calls you out on something that you're dumb at? You're supposed to, like, act sad and, like, you hurt my feelings?

I'm just going to quit commenting on time zones. How about that? No, I think it's great. I disagree. We just had people be really confused, like, when do you guys record your show? This is why people think we record when I call them. They think, you know, oh, we record on Saturdays. Or I sent something to somebody the other day.

I said at 4 o'clock, and she said a.m. So this is why people think that. Well, with that rudeness, we're going to go to Susan in Nashville. Susan, it must be the middle of the night there in Nashville. How are you? I'm doing well. How are you? I'm good.

And I'm in Nashville, too. I realize we're on the exact same time. Yes. Hey, it's what? It's 2.30 in the morning. So thanks for being up so late with us. I just woke up. Thank you so much. You are a trooper and America's grateful.

And by America, there's like 41 people listening to this thing. So it's just us, a couple of folks in the booth and some of our neighbors. But what is up? How can I help? I was calling because I was divorced about five years ago after 26 years of marriage. And we had three children. And my youngest two children really only knew a bad marriage and a bad environment because of my ex-husband's drinking, which led to verbal abuse during those periods. And I don't really think they have a high opinion of marriage.

And while I am divorced, I still believe in the concept of marriage. And my youngest had said the other day, he said, well, I'm never going to get married because all marriages end in divorce. And it just kind of crushed me. And I tried to talk to him about it, but he didn't say much. And I was just wondering what you know, what I can do to tell them I still, even though it didn't work out for me, I still want that for them. That's a very unique question. What a cool conversation to enter in with your boys.

How old are they? The youngest is 16, and then I have a 20-year-old and a 24-year-old. Okay. And are you close with them? Do you all talk? Yes. Okay. That's really cool. Good for you.

How's the last five or six years been for you? Hard? A relief? Both? What's it been like? It's been, it was such a relief. It's extremely hard. I'm working multiple jobs.

But it is, we're all in such a better place. It's so much better. Every day I'm grateful. That's so good. Do you still have a relationship with your ex-husband? No. No? Is he still connected to his boys? I think he might try, but he lives away now. You know, he was an incredible father to my older. He was, you know, everything you would think a father should be. And then, you know, the drinking really took him to a dark place. And I think my younger two know that he was good.

And, you know, we talk about the addiction and, you know, how that changed a person and changed him. And, um, I'm honest with that, but, you know, I just, I mean, and I, you know, they don't talk a lot about emotions and feelings, they're boys, but I will relate to them because I know it'll get to them, you know, deep down and hopefully they'll hear their mother talk to them. But I just was, I was so crushed when he said that. He was like, I'm not going to get married. You know, they all ended in divorce. I was like, oh, no, they don't.

So I want to push on something and then we can talk through what we can do next, okay? First is the idea that boys don't talk about their feelings is often, if not entirely, because they don't have men in their lives modeling what talking about feelings looks like. And what they desperately need, all boys do, every single one of them on the planet, needs to understand that the emotions and feelings in their bodies are theirs and they've got to take ownership of them and then go make good relational decisions on the back end. And so what you could give them, which would be a gift beyond gift beyond gift, is teaching them, what are you feeling right now? What does that feel like? Tell me where that is in your body and help them connect. Oh, I'm not this thing. Like we say, I'm angry. No, you're

not. You're feeling this way. I'm really pissed off right now. You as your identity is not. You feel this way. And once you can put a gap between yourself and your feeling, a gap between yourself and your thought, then you're talking about legacy change. That's a life change. Because then I can make decisions, right? When I think I am, then that stuff owns me. It is me. When I can separate myself from it and go, oh, that guy just cut me off. I'm feeling really raged out against that dude right now. And I'm going to choose to keep driving the speed limit because I'm not an idiot, Right? So you can pick in between there. So a great, great thing you could do for those boys would be to have conversations about what feelings feels like.

And give them words to the things going on in their bodies. What a gift that would be. So that's just an aside. So let me ask you, why are you high on marriage? Why is it good? Probably the way I was raised. You know, I just, it's, you know, it's just something that should happen if you're in love with somebody. And, you know, it can be a good thing.

So if you were trying to sell me on being married, you just did not pass that test. I would have given you an F Susan. Yes. So thank you. Hey, you know what? That's what we're doing. We're lifting spirits on this show. Tell me why you believe in marriage. Why do you want that? Why do you want that for your boys probably more of a religious i think it's a sacrament you know and i i mean i believe in that you know you should if you want to spend because you i don't want them to be alone i guess and you know if you have a life partner i think a life partner means more if you're married than if you're just living together. Okay. Because, you know, you can experience life with them. You can't do that if you're just, I mean, it's a bind.

It's more of a contract, more of a spiritual thing, I think, if you're married. Okay. So here's what I want to push on you on. I want you to get really clear with why you're high on marriage. And one of the challenges for adults, and I'm included in this, that we are facing that no generation of parents, adults in the history of earth has had to deal with is kids who are in mass getting information from a thousand different places. Mm-hmm. Right? who are in mass getting information from a thousand different places. Right.

Up until recently, they could possibly get them from their book the last 50 years. But before that, they got it from their parents, maybe a friend or two in the neighboring farming community, and some sort of church leader. That's about it. Right. Now they can Google anything. They've got access to millions of like-minded or same age people all over the earth. And so they're getting different information

and they're asking different questions, which I love. The idea that quote unquote, you're just supposed to is not good enough for today's 16 to 24 year olds. That answer doesn't pass muster. It would just be better if you did. They're going to ask why, because the data they're able to see that other generations weren't able to see is one out of two doesn't work. And the one that I saw that was working isn't great. Now, I, like you, am super high on it. I'm a big fan of marriage, big time. But I've spent years trying to really drill down why it's important to me and why it is backed up with science and spirituality and connection and relationship and all those things. But I don't think you can articulate it well enough to pass it on to them. Is that fair?

Yes. So I think a gift for them would be you saying, I really love this and I'm trying to figure out why, because it hurt me and it hurt us and let them hear your process and then commit, hey, we're going to get a book on marriage and I want y'all to read it with me. And then we're going to talk about it. Letting them see you on a journey will be one of the greatest gifts ever. My mom went back to school in her forties. It was such a blessing at 16, 17, 22. It drove us crazy because she'd come running in and reading some Shakespeare sonnet. And we'd all be like, Oh, come on. She'd get in front of the game. We were watching and read something in Middle English and she'd be laughing and we were like, what are you doing? Now though, I can see all these years later, I was watching my mom model for me

what changing your mind looks like, what getting new information looks like, what having a strong belief and then expanding that looks like, being able to articulate an argument looks like. And that's one of the greatest gifts of my life that I'm trying to pass on to my children. And so, yeah, 16 year old, like, Hey, we're going to read a book on marriage. He's going to roll his eyes so far at the back of his head. He's going to be blind. Right. And your 24 year old is going to say, mom, we're not,

we're not doing that. But I think your boys love you and they'd go with you on this, especially if you went and got some, like a good book that they could understand and go on that journey with them. But you've got to be able to articulate why this is important to them before you can sell them on it. Because all they have, besides the data and besides their buddies, their parents are all divorced too.

All they have is the hurt in their hearts from what they experienced. And their idea of marriage is connected to their feelings about dad and their feelings about mom. And so what you've got to do is help them get a gap between those feelings, identify them, feel them, and then say, here's why marriage is important. And I think this is going to be a lifelong adventure for you.

But I think it's worthy and it's noble to get in and get after it. And so I'll just high five you. Good for you. Here's think it's worthy and it's noble to get in and get after it. And so I'll just high five you. Good for you. Here's what I want you to do. Please call me back and let me know how it goes. When you sit down and say, hey, we're going to read this together. And maybe it's not a book. Maybe it's a article. Maybe it's an article. Maybe it's connecting them with a guy who's like a coach or somebody that you know, or somebody in the church, something like that, that's been married a long, long time.

And he can articulate it really clearly, right? Or he can come over or the couple can come over and talk to you guys about it. But it's about being awkward. It's about being intentional. It's about being vulnerable. It's about getting right in the middle of saying what you know and what you don't know.

And I think it's good. Yeah, it's gonna be a lifelong adventure for you guys, but I applaud the effort. I really, really do. And I applaud you leaning into something that hurt you, that was hard for you and saying that doesn't mean the whole thing's wrong. That doesn't mean we throw the whole thing out just because I was on the receiving end of pain. I think that takes boldness and bravery and good for you, Susan. Good, good for you. All right, let's go to Jennifer in Phoenix. Hey, Jennifer, what's going on? Hi, I'm good.

How are you? I'm fantastic. Man, it must be the... I'm just kidding. How are you? I'm pretty good. Good. It's just a regular time wherever you are, so that's great. Just a regular old time. James and Kelly were making fun of me earlier about how to read a clock, and I'm not very

good at it, so now I'm just trying to defend... I'm trying to make not very good at it. So now I'm just trying to defend. I'm trying to make jokes out of my discomfort. That's what I'm doing. So sorry, Jennifer. You're walking into a room, and everyone's laughing, and you're like, oh, what's going on? So sorry I just did that to you. So what's up?

Well, yeah, I read to you pretty earlier, but thank you for taking my question. Of course. I've been divorced from my ex-husband for 10 years now, and I have two little boys. And it's just been a struggle because it's two different households with different ideas of how to do things. And now that they're starting to get older and ask questions and notice things, they are being faced with some difficult subject matter and also just trying to decide who is telling the truth and just things that, you know, a 10-year- a 12 year old shouldn't have to, to deal with. And, you know, as a parent, I thought, you know, after years that I would be past all this stuff, I guess.

Oh, you're just starting. You're just starting. I'm so sorry. Oh man. So I just, I don't, I don't want things to be difficult for them, but I'm noticing patterns. It's like, I've kept things very businesslike between the relationship between their dad and I just to avoid conflict. Um, but now that they're starting to get older, they're starting to get caught in the middle of all that stuff. So your boys are worth conflict if they're not safe. And your boys are worth the conflict.

That's what parents are for, is to go between them and pain, right? That's what parents do. So something must have happened recently or a couple of things happened. What have you experienced recently that's precipitating this call? Well, it's just, it's little things over the years that are constant. So I'm hearing from them about fighting going on at their dad's house. And, you know, I try not to get involved in all that stuff because I don't know what the situation is over there. And I don't want to talk bad about their dad because I want them to have a relationship with their dad. But it's comments that I know that are hurtful to them.

Like saying, oh, the only reason that I married your mom was to have kids. Like, why would you say that to your kids? And just little things over the years, making negative comments about me, things that make them question themselves and their intelligence. You know, they're just being called, you know, awful names. Give me an example. I don't, like my older son, he was diagnosed as a young child with ADHD. And I really believe that's just a result of all the turmoil from this situation.

But he's been called stupid and been told his brain doesn't work. And I just, I don't think that's helpful. No, you can't do that with your kids. You absolutely can't do that with your kids, yeah. So you mentioned a second ago that there's fighting going on there. What do you mean by that? Yelling, people getting pushed around. What do you mean by that? Nasty yelling and screaming. I don't think it turned to physical things, but I know he's broken things in the house.

With them there? So, with them there. And I know that, for me, I know that that's not okay. But legally, that's not enough. We're just sad. How do you know? Have you gone and asked? Yes, I have. And an attorney told you, no, their dad can call them stupid and tell them their brain's broken and smash stuff and scream at them, and that's okay. Well, the problem is that it's hard for me to prove that.

And when I talk to the boys, they don't want to tell me the whole story a lot of times. So I'll notice that they're upset, and I'll ask. But they're very reluctant because they don't want to get their dad in trouble. And I've always told them, like, hey, you know, I'm never going to judge you or whatever. We can talk about anything. So we have a very, you know, established, open communication, and they know that I'm just here to support them, you know, whether it's school or activities or even stuff with their dad. So let's back out for 30,000 feet, okay?

Yeah. Let's say you guys were at a park and a mom showed up with her kid and they were playing and your son was climbing up the ladder to go down a slide and she ran up to him and got in his face and started saying,

what are you, stupid? What are you, an idiot? You're stupid, brain broken? There was another kid in line, and he said, oh, I'm sorry, ma'am, I'm sorry. And he started climbing down, and she's like, just stay there, you stupid idiot. What would you do?

Oh, I would, we would leave, obviously. I wouldn't allow him to receive that kind of, but I would have some things to to receive that kind of but I would you know have some things to say to that that person okay so here's the thing your boys are learning have learned to protect their dad from you because you've been protecting him for a decade since your divorce you know they're not safe over there. You know what they're living in is wild. And you've even said things to me like, I don't want to get involved.

I want them to be able to be around their dad. That's important. And so in doing so, you've created a fantasy that you're trying to uphold. You're trying to keep duct tape together. And the boys are on the other end of this. And they've watched, well, it must be okay. I must need to go over here, and this must just be part of fill in the blank.

And so as their mom, in a situation that you would not allow with a stranger, they desperately need you to get involved. Desperately. And if that means taking them to a play therapist who can talk with them, get them to tell them, her or him things that they wouldn't tell you, great. If that's a school counselor, great. If that's you calling him saying, if you call my kids stupid again, we'll go to court.

And I may lose, but then we're going to go again. And then we're going to go again. Because I'm not going to let people call my kids stupid, tell me I have a broken brain. I'm not going to let somebody smash stuff and make my 10-year-old feel so terrified in the home of someone who's supposed to love him and keep him safe. I'm not. I guess I'm just concerned that if I start pushing on this again, which has been my experience in the past, that it's just going to make it worse, which is something that, you know, as their mom, I am worried about.

What do you mean you're going to make it worse? It would just make it more stressful for them over there that they would get in trouble. Do you hear what you're saying? Yes, I do. Yeah. They need you now more than ever. And if they get in more trouble, I mean, I hear what you're saying. That fear is real.

I don't want to minimize your fear. But what I'm trying to tell you is you're their mom. And if by calling him and saying, do not call our son stupid. He's not. I know there's a business arrangement, all that. It's got to become a relational arrangement y'all are in this forever together right

is he able to have a conversation with you about this like if you called him and said hey man tell him that they're stupid will he take it out on them yeah what does that mean will he yell at him further will he say can't believe you told your mom on me and all that kind of nonsense yeah all does that mean will he yell at him further will he say could we have you told your mom on me

and all that kind of nonsense yeah all of that I think you gotta sit down with an attorney ASAP cause your boys aren't safe and the attorney may tell you I'm so sorry I can't do anything about this I just don't think that's right I do think your boys could go get an eval and Okay. And the attorney may tell you, I'm so sorry. I can't do anything about this. I just don't think that's right.

I do think your boys could go get an eval. And my guess is there's other stuff going on there. Would you believe that too? I would suspect, yeah. Okay. Go with your gut. Because right now what your boys are learning is some people are just mean and crazy and we just put up with it

and if nothing else if nothing else at least two years five years seven years from now there will be a track record that you can show your boys and say I went to war for you guys

I lost every time but I never gave up fighting for y'all. True. And it is okay. I tell people 24-7, 365, don't talk bad about your ex. I believe that wholeheartedly. But if one of your boys gets told they're stupid,

you hold their face and you look them in the eye and say, that is not right. And I know that your daddy loves you, but you are not stupid. He should not have said that. He is wrong. They've got to have somebody in their life speaking truth into them a different way.

And there's got to be a physical aspect to that. It will help a young child. It'll help them absorb it. Okay? Your kids at 10 and 12 are going to get enough mixed messages at school on the internet they're going to get it everywhere they've got to have some stability and they cannot have parents who are smashing stuff throwing temper tantrums screaming at them threatening them you can't do that they are learning right now that this is how you treat

your children. And so the longer it goes before there's some intervention from an adult who cares about them, the longer it gets embedded in them that this is how dads treat their kids. And this is how generational trauma goes on and on and on. And I hate, hate, hate that you're the one stuck in the middle of this. I really do. And you're the one stuck in the middle of this. I really do. And you're their mom. You're their mom.

So today I'm on the phone with the lawyer. Today I'm on the phone with the school counselor. Today I'm on the phone with a play therapist in the area that your school counselor can recommend you go talk to your boys will talk they'll tell somebody even if it's not you and get them with the right professional care and then you find out your options okay and if you find out if you I want to be I want to be as realistic as possible if you find out hey I'm so sorry there's possible. If you find out, hey, I'm so sorry, there's nothing here. Dads are allowed to scream and smash stuff in front of their kids.

They're allowed to call their son stupid. They're allowed to tell their son's biological lies that their brains are broken or whatever. You've gotta be hyper, hyper intentional about making sure those boys know when they come to your house, they're safe. That they are not stupid. Their brains are not broken. Daddy is not telling you the truth and it's okay to combat lies. It really is. It's a difference between saying your dad's a liar. It's different to say your daddy is wrong. He is wrong and I'm sorry. And you're playing a

long, long game now. You're playing a five, 10, 15, 20 year game where you're going to try to rescue your boys from an abusive dad. And my gut tells me the older they get, the bigger they get, the more they grow into a male, a man body, that aggression is going to get more

and more and more. And that means the earlier you can squash this, the better. The earlier, earlier, earlier. Go to bat for them, man. They need you. They need you, need you, Jennifer. Ugh, I hate that. Guys.

Husbands, we need you, man. We need you more than ever. Gotta have you, husbands. Dads, gotta have you. We'll be right back on the Dr. John Delaney Show. All right, let's take one more call. Let's go to Heather in Chicago. Hey, Heather, what's going on?

Hi, Dr. John. How are you? I'm so good. How about you? I'm good. I'm good. Outstanding. How can I help? I just was wondering how I can be fun again without alcohol. Oh my goodness. What a question. Dig into that for me. How can I be fun again without alcohol?

Yes. again without alcohol yes so um i am i'm i uh i'm trying to learn i've stopped i've not completely stopped drinking alcohol but i don't drink as much as i used to and what happened that made you stop i just didn't like um how i was i didn't drink too much, I don't think, but even I started drinking more. Like, I'd have a glass of wine while I was making dinner, and then it turned into two, and then it turned into three, and I wasn't sleeping well, and I just, I'm trying to just better myself. Awesome. I'm trying to just better myself. And I'd also go out in social situations and just have way too much to drink. And I feel like it made me fun. And now I feel like when I go out, I'll have a drink or two when I go out with friends, but I don't feel like I'm fun anymore. Does that make sense? Oh, absolutely.

What made you fun? What did alcohol give you? And talking to the phone directly, this is really important. I don't want anyone to miss this. What made you fun? I guess just being more outgoing. And I don't know, just able to open up more, I guess, with people and just be more outgoing, you realize, I don't even like these people. Or you go out and realize, I'd rather be at home by myself watching Netflix, or I'd rather be home doing other things than this.

Yeah. With my family. Yeah. I'd rather be with my family than with you idiots. How old are you? I am 38. 38. Man.

So we can go down a rabbit hole on this one. And I'm so, I could do a whole show on this. I could do two shows on this. And there's a couple of great books out on this right now. That I just, I mean, literally this weekend, I just ran across one. Okay. In a nutshell. Oh, man.

Jeez Louise. This is such a big thread once you start pulling it, untangling it. Here's the deal. You weren't fun. You weren't having fun. Right. What alcohol allows you to do is to numb everything out. And it allowed you to be in a situation that you didn't want to be in, doing things that you didn't want to do. And it allowed you to get past that voice in your head saying, why don't you just go home?

This is stupid. Because you didn't like the loud, you didn't like the hooking up, you didn't like the jokes, you didn't like the just whatever we were talking about. Whatever it is, alcohol, you thought was making it more fun for you. It took that away. And then at home, my guess is you found yourself being with your family, but there's something about it that is stressful, is exhausting, is high expectations, you don't think you're achieving, whatever. And then all of a sudden you find yourself

present with your family physically, but absolutely not present emotionally and spiritually and psychologically. Is that fair? Yes. So what about being at home? What about being with your friends? Isn't enough.

What is it about being with your family, being with your friends that you feel like you've got to put a pillow over those feelings? Gosh, that's a good question. I'm not sure. What I will tell you is the research is telling us, here's what we're seeing, right? So men for eternity have run everything, right? And we know this. They have the most money. They've got the most space, whatever.

They also drink a lot, right? This is a global phenomenon all over earth. And they lead the planet in strokes, heart attacks, cancers, et cetera. And what they're calling it is diseases of despair. They've worked and achieved themselves to death. Now, I work a lot. I love what I do.

I like achievement. I like competition. What I've had to spend the last decade doing is divorcing my identity from those things, right? Those are things that I do, not things that I am, right? And so when I step back and look at alcohol has allowed people in power to keep going, as does cocaine, as does any number of distraction addictions, anger, rage, a new girlfriend, a new girlfriend, a new wife, a new car, a new whatever, right?

It allows you just to keep going and keep going and keep going because the signals in our bodies that say, are we enjoying this? Is this actually where we wanna be? You can shut those signals off, right? That's what alcohol does. And what we've seen over the last 25 years is, oh man, we're seeing a, in mass, women becoming like these glass ceilings are shattering and women are working hard and they're there and they're crushing it and they're doing so good and they're being told, hey, by the way, you have to be the CEO and be a present mom and be at home and do all these things and make sure this is done and this is done and this is done.

And so the game got bait and switched on you and they got bait and switched on male partners too. Everyone's in the middle of a big bait and switch. And what we're seeing on an almost vertical trend line is women are starting to catch up with heart issues and cancer issues. Their bodies are starting to wear this too. And then you see the alcohol

relationship and it's almost a vertical trend line. And now you can't go to Target without the shirts that say like, you know, my sippy cup is a wine glass or whatever, you know, the little cute sayings and all that stuff, right? It's become super normed. And instead of being heartbroken, we're all cheering about it. And here's what was happening. Women, this is not a controversial statement by and large women are smarter than men and they are more connected

more grounded than men are this is just a generalized statement you can put mean things in the YouTube comments and I think sooner they are recognizing whoa this is not what I signed up for like you mentioned I don't like myself at home I don't feel good

I don't sleep good I'm out when I'm out at the bar and these people are idiots. I don't have fun. Right? So the question you have to ask yourself is how do you build a life? How do you build a life that you don't need to numb from? That you don't need to run from? What does that look like? Can you articulate that for me? What conversations are you not having at home that you need to numb out from?

What conversations do you have to have with yourself about, hey, these used to be my friends. They're just not anymore. We're just different now. Yeah. Like what are those conversations that you need to have with you and with your husband, with the people in your life? Well, I know at home I feel like really overwhelmed and like I'm pretty much just the only adult doing the things around the house and taking care of the kids

and all of that. So is your husband just abandoning you on this? Have y'all talked about it? No, no. We haven't, like, I haven't really just sat down and talked to him about it, but he's pleasant. He's pleasant. He just, he's tough to work. And so when he comes home, it's just not, there's not a whole lot of help.

But I don't know about. Do you work too? I don't. Okay. I don't. Nope. So you are trapped in a guilt cycle that says he's out working, so I should be doing all of this stuff. Yes.

And his job is this and my job is that. And your job is weighing on you heavy and you don't feel like you're good enough at it. And so like a good man, you're drinking the end of the day away because your job's hard and you don't ask for help. Yep. Congratulations.

You pretty much 100% hit it on the head with, I don't feel like I'm good enough. Yeah, you are. You are. Okay. But then how did you, in a social situation, everyone else is like drinking. I don't want to. It's not, I'm good at stopping, but then I feel like I'm just not investing.

Here's the hardest thing in the world about stopping drinking, I think. This is just me. Is you've got to change social circles. Yeah. And when you stop drinking, people around you either A, want to keep going and you ruin that for them. That's what they tell themselves. Or they feel indicted by your behavior change. They know they'd like to quit too and they can't.

They know they want to make some life changes and they can't. And so I think, this is just me, I don't have any data to back this up or anything. I think the hardest thing about making any major life change like this, same with if you want to change your diet, you want to lose a bunch of weight and start eating healthier. Those folks that you always went out with all the time, you quit going. Or you're that guy at the Chinese food place that brings your lunch.

You don't want to be her, right? So you just don't go. Or you show up and you're eating carrots and then people are going to make fun of you because they are indicted about what they're eating. Same with alcohol. The hardest part of here is you have to step back and say, are going to make fun of you because they are indicted about what they're eating. Same with alcohol. The hardest part of here is you have to step back and say, are these people still my friends? And if you cannot have a connected conversation with somebody without a drink, they are not your friend. Okay.

And I hate to say that like that. Yeah. What your husband deserves is you being honest about where you are in your heart, in your head because here's the thing, he feels it and whatever way he's numbing to and I don't know how

that's another phone call, my guess is you know how or you have your suspicions how but he's numbing too because he misses you also. And so what we have is we have a generation of women trying to do the world, trying to interact. Let me say it that way. We have a generation of women trying to interact with the world on its own power structure that's killing everybody. And we have a group of men who are saying,

I don't want this anymore, but I don't have any models, any pictures. I don't have any way to get from here to there. I don't even know what there is. And that's when, whether it's you, y'all have a great relationship or you need to go talk to a marriage counselor together

to help somebody have this conversation with you. And by the way, me and my wife have this conversation on a regular basis. So perfection doesn't mean you arrive. Perfection means you practice this, right? It's kind of like a workout. I can't just work out once and call it good. I'm in shape for the rest of my life. I got to keep going, right?

So this whole thing is constantly evolving. And how old are your kids? Twelve, seven and ten. Okay. So your whole world is just a blender. Right. And when one of them turns 15 and one of them, right, this is just going to keep happening and things are going to keep shifting. And then you're going to have two in middle school and one in high school and then one going to college. All this are going to keep shifting. And then you're going to have two in middle school, one in high school, and then one going to college. All this is going to keep shifting, shifting, shifting, which means you and your husband have to come up with a, not a solution forever, but a way that we have, we create new solutions along the way. You're going to have to create new train tracks for your train to go on. Okay. But you're going to have to look in the mirror and say, I'm good. That's hard. I know it is. I know it is. The whole world's telling you you're not enough, that you should be at work.

You should be doing this. Your house should look like that. Your boys should never say these things and they should be all of it. There's an entire world telling you that you're not enough. And for whatever it's worth, there's an entire world telling him he's not enough either. And so it's two people who committed to ride or die together forever, looking at each other going, you know what? You're good and I'm good. We can do better than this and we can do it together.

What do you need? How can I honor you in this, right? how do I turn the offs offs and the ons ons and you telling him I've got to build a life here that I don't need to numb out from and I'm drinking too much I'm drinking period I don't feel good I don't like it I don't like who I am after drink three

I don't like my kids if they asked if I asked my kids to draw a picture of me it would have me with a wine glass I don't like my kids. If I asked my kids to draw a picture of me, it would have me with a wine glass. I don't like any of that stuff. Yeah. And here's the thing. You want to get back to being quote unquote fun? Turn music up in your house and dance till you can't dance. Make your boys have dance offs with you. Yeah. Plan romantic getaways or fun, intimate time with your husband. Y'all decide. And if it's awkward, lean into the awkward and invite him along with that.

I don't know who you used to be before your world became something that you had to hide from. That's the adventure that you and your husband can go on together. What did that look like? And you're gonna find things that you have so deeply buried

that you're gonna probably spend some time with a professional counselor to unbury those things, to dig them up. That's fair. That's part of it. But don't, oh my gosh. I started tracking my sleep and I've almost entirely limited alcohol of everything. Even tiny social, it messes my sleep up. It's a poison. It's just bad for you. Okay. There's a lot of good books out right now on this stuff. We're seeing a gentle turn away from alcohol. At the same time, we're seeing alcohol consumption among women

at just a rocket ship pace. And all sort of addiction numbers are all through the roof after years of COVID and all that stuff. Don't. Build a life you don't have to hide from. I'll just leave it at that. I keep saying this over and over.

And maybe we'll do a whole show on alcohol. It's a whole thing, man. You're better than this. You're better than this. You're better than this. If you are listening to this and you think, whoa, whoa, whoa, I'm down a road that I don't want to be down. Get with somebody immediately, somebody you trust

and begin asking those hard questions. Ugh, thank you so, so much for that call. All right, as we wrap up today's show, man,

that call's gonna stay with me for a while. Man, just women are trapped and I hate it. I hate it, I hate it. All right, as we wrap up today's show,

this is Kelly's favorite song. Is it your favorite song of all time? Not necessarily my favorite, but it's one that I really, really, really, really like the whole album is phenomenal. It's some song back in the nineties from the group called tonic.

How grateful. I mean, how, how appropriate now that we're ending the show with drinking. This is a song by Tonic or by Whiskey or by whatever. James, is Tonic, that's water, isn't it? You can have Tonic by itself and it doesn't have alcohol. We're good.

Tonic's the bystander. Song by Tonic. It's called If You Could Only See. It was written back in the 90s, back when bands just played Telecasters and looked at the floor and sang. And it goes like this. If you could only see the way she loves me,

then maybe you would understand why I feel this way about her love and what I must do. If you could only see how blue her eyes can be when she says, when she says she loves me. Well, you've got your reason, you've got your lies, and you've got your manipulations.

They cut me down to size. Saying you love me, but you don't. You give your love, but you won't. If you could only see the way she loves me, then maybe you would understand why I feel this way about this love and what I must do. Y'all realize how ridiculous this is right here

on The John Deloney Show.