The Dr. John Delony Show - I Don’t Trust My Husband to Make Decisions

Episode Date: May 15, 2024

On this episode, we hear about: -      A woman struggling to trust her husband to make big family decisions -      A man who wants to learn better coping skills -      A wife afraid her husband and her best friend are having an affair   Offers From Today's Sponsors 10% off your first month of therapy at BetterHelp!   3 free months of Hallow  25% off Thorne orders  20% off Organifi with code DELONY   Next Steps 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or click here! 📚 Get Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Take the Anxiety Test  📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future  ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards  💭 John’s Free Guided Meditation    Listen to More From Ramsey Network 🎙️ The Ramsey Show   🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💡 The Rachel Cruze Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights 💰 George Kamel 💼 The Ken Coleman Show 📈 EntreLeadership   Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy https://www.ramseysolutions.com/company/policies/privacy-policy

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. He had a life-threatening condition which caused him to really become depressed and start drinking. Since then, we've grown apart. We really don't trust him to make our big decisions in life, and he feels like he's left out of our relationship. Nothing has caused him to drink. What up, what up, what up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. We're talking about your mental and emotional health, your families, your kids, schooling, dating, all of it. Right here, real people going through real challenges.

I'm John and man, I've been sitting with hurting people for more than two decades now. And that's what this show is about. Sitting with real people, trying to figure out what's the next right step. If you're struggling with your mental health, you're struggling with your relationships, your emotional health, how to get your feelings under control, whatever you got going on. You want to be on the show, give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291. It's 1-844-693-3291, or go to johndeloney.com slash ask. Please hit the subscribe button. Take you 13 seconds, actually probably three, unless you've never logged in like me, and then it'll be like 13 seconds, but it makes a huge difference with the algorithms. If you'll hit the subscribe button or the follower,

wherever you're listening to this, it makes all the difference in the world. Be super, super grateful. Let's roll out to the 505 in Albuquerque, New Mexico and talk to Robin. Hey, Robin, what up? What up? Hi.

How are you? I'm doing okay today. Having a good day. Good, good. It's a good qualifier. So how can I help? So my husband and I kind of have an issue right now. A few years ago, he had a life-threatening condition,

which caused him to really become depressed and start drinking. And since then, we've kind of grown apart. I really don't trust him to make our big decisions in life. And he feels like he's left out of our relationship, which is just causing the depression to be worse. And I'm, you know, we just have a small baby and three months postpartum and I'm looking to the future and to make our lives better. And he is really stuck on things that have happened in the recent past. Um, and so I just don't know where to go from here. I don't know how to get back on the same page.

And it's been really hard. Yeah. So what was his life-threatening challenge that he had? He found out he has a blood clotting disorder. He almost died. He had to have emergency surgery and will be on medication for the rest of his life. Okay. And it's a pretty big challenge. What's the challenge? It's just a different life for him. He's not taking it well, not being in good health, knowing that no matter what, he's always going to have this looming over him. And, you know, in his job, if he gets, um, hurts himself, that can be a very big problem.

And he works manual labor. So that is always something he worries about and the potential, you know, for our son to be affected and our lives to be affected. He just took it really hard when he got sick and, and never really got over that kind of really traumatic incident. I want to challenge your language. Is that okay? Yes, please. Nothing has caused him to drink. Or nothing has caused him to take a path of throwing his hands up and saying,

well, I guess this is just that. Yeah. That is the path he has chosen. And it could be learned. It could be genetic. It could be all that wound up together twisted up i don't really care how we got here yes but the choice on a daily basis to choose

worry a thing that will absolutely contribute nothing to a problem and only make it worse to choose not good health to choose not to be plugged in. And okay, so I can't do X, Y, and Z. Cool. I'm going to take the next two to three to five years to learn a new trade, a new skill, because I got a little baby and I got a wife. Yeah.

The choice to not get plugged in with you and this new baby. And it's because you're also calling me three months postpartum, which tells me you are dying from loneliness, aren't you? Yes. Yeah. And so all that to say is, again, I know I'm sounding harsh.

Nobody chooses to be depressed. Nobody chooses to be anxious. But you do choose way upstream to not do the things you need to do to go get well, to go ask somebody for help. Right? Yeah. go ask somebody for help right yeah so until there's some ownership taken in your home you're right it's just going to be a a stumbly crumbly car wreck and here's the terrifying thing that i i know you know this intellectually but i i want to say it and like, let you be witnessed. Okay.

You can't change anything for him. He has to make that choice for himself. I'm kind of there. Yep. So the question you have to ask yourself is, are you being honest with him about what you need and maybe a path he could take to help more around the house, to participate more in your marriage, to like all marriages get sideways when you have a three month old, that's just part of it. Okay. And if everybody knows that, that like your money's messed up, your sleep's messed up, your sex life's messed up, like all these things are kind of messed up when you have a three month old, um, that something's not broken. This is just part of it, right? When your car's getting repaired, it's not driving.

That's okay. We know that. So are you giving him a path towards what you need? Here's what I need in this marriage right now. We've never been married and had a three-month-old. We're here now. Here's what I need. Here's what I want.

Are you being really clear with him? I try to be. I don't. Are you being really clear with him? I try to be. I don't know if I'm really clear with myself. Yeah, that's the next question. Tell me about that. Hi. I'm just, you know, I've had a hard life myself. I've had a very traumatic childhood, and, I tend to be over-functioning. And so I,

I have a hard time saying, okay, is this too clear? Right. Cause I'm the kind of person who's pretty upfront and honest, but I think I take it a little too far and I'm blunt and sometimes mean or unhelpful, you know, not in the right timing or in the right tone or something where it just makes it a lot worse. Okay. Is that something you're interested in learning new ways to move? So have you ever sat down and asked him, how can I love you better? How can I love you in a different way? Um, yes, I have with the intention, but again, I, sometimes I, I don't see the, I have a hard time putting my feelings aside when it comes to those things. Cause I do feel, I feel neglected and I feel lonely. And so sometimes we get into that conversation, but it's easy to get very

defensive. Okay. Defensive when he says, well, we can't, I can't get close to you because you're mean. Yeah. Okay. And then you say, then you respond by getting mean and he goes, see, and then you feel lonely and then that makes you mean. And then he says, I can't, it just, it just creates this dance, right? Yes. Okay. In the same way, I would look him in the eye if he was sitting right here in front of me and ask him, what is this worry? What is this just cashing out on your life? What is that getting you? Or as Dr. Phil would say, would ask, how's that working for you? I would ask you the same thing. What is living in feelings and responding and keeping people at arm's length

with bluntness and with defensiveness, how's that working? Not very well. Okay, yeah, it's exhausting too, isn't it? Yeah. What happened when you were a little girl? Both of my parents were pretty hardcore drug addicts, and were pretty neglectful.

I was the oldest of three, and I was the one who took care of everybody. And so I just am now kind of learning, first of all, that that was not a normal childhood. Right. And that I don't have to be the one in charge all the time. And that means, well, if we were in person, I would keep pressing there, but I know we're short on time. That means you're going to have to learn to let somebody care for you and learn to let somebody love you.

I actually just recently signed up for my own counseling, individual counseling. Hey, way to go, dude. But hey, here's another scary thing. With the picture you've painted of your husband, he may not show up. That's what I'm worried about. Okay. The only way to figure that out is to head right into it. Okay. Do you think he's going to, if you sat down and said, I've, I mean, and I've been trying to protect myself for all these years and I want to give you an opportunity. I need you to love me in this kind of way. Do you think he'll go finally or he'll go, I'm not doing that?

Well, I hope finally. I know we can all hope. I don't know. What do you think? I'm not sure. I honestly don't know. It's been a very hard road. And I guess part of me thinks that maybe it'll be the latter. And that hurts.

But how much more will it hurt than the daily just hurt you live in right now? That's a good question. That is a very good question. I mean, and I, again, with a baby,

it's like beyond me, even it's whether or not this is good for my son and y'all's son our son right yeah and it's the little things when your language starts to shift when your when it becomes mine and and like my and i that's when you start slowly circling the wagons. Yeah. And you've lived behind a wall your whole life. You had to. That's how you survived.

That's how you kept your siblings alive. And that's going to be the death of your marriage. And it sounds like your husband got a tough curveball thrown at him by life, and he just quit. That is pretty much how it feels. Okay. I would love for you to invite him out somewhere. You'll go somewhere, change the environment a little bit and tell him I've never been married to a guy. This is your first kid, right? Yes. Okay. I've never been married to a guy who's a dad and you've never been married to a guy who's a dad. And you've never been married to a woman who's a wife. I mean, a mom.

And I'm tired of being mean and I'm tired of not letting you love me. And I'm also scared to death that you've just quit your life. I'm all in if you're all in. Because we got to rebuild a new marriage. And then I think you have to understand in your guts, both in your feelings and intellectually, that you're choosing your heart here. There's no easy path forward.

It's going to be hard to rebuild your marriage and learn to trust. And because everything in your body is going to tell you, don't do this, because it remembers mom and dad, right? Yeah. And it's going to be really hard just sitting there while your marriage slowly drowns. Yeah, it has been really hard.

I know. So there's no easy path here. I'm going to suggest you choose the hard, which has the possibility to leading towards light and goodness and peace in your home. And if it ends up, he looks at you and says, I'm not doing any of that stuff. Then he's made some choices and you'll have to deal with that hard choice. But it's, at least you've got some resolution and you've got a path forward.

Right now, you're just drowning in quicksand. And this little boy is looking at you saying, mommy, is this how this is supposed to be? And you're like, no, no, no, no, no. I'm gonna do something different than my parents gave you, gave me, right? Yeah. Thank you. And by the way, marriages don't just end. People quit. Okay. And if two people say, I am going to go to the end of the earth to keep this, to make this thing work and to make this thing the best it could

possibly be. Are you in? And the other person says, I'm all in. It's magic. It's actually, it's not magic. It's just hard work. But this illusion that marriages just run out of gas, it's not true. People just take their foot off the gas pedal. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. i feel that yeah so it's not going to end unless y'all both of you quit or one of you quit and then it does and then you'll have to deal with that aftermath but i let me say these things in order okay number one everything in your marriage should feel topsy-turvy and upside down right now you have a three-month-old it's your's your first kid. Everything is different than you thought, okay? That's not crazy. You're not broken. There's not something wrong. It just is. And his choice of coping mechanisms, whether that's just cashing out, it's not learning a new trade, it is just drinking himself to death after a

medical diagnosis, that's a choice. All those things are choices and he can make different choices. He's always going to have a blood clotting disorder. And what an amazing gift that he's happens to be alive in a sliver of history where they have blood clotting medication. Amazing. Does any of us want to be chained to meds for the rest of our life? No, but dude, the alternative is he's not with us anymore, so thank God we've got the meds, right, that's awesome, amazing, let's celebrate that, then let's ask, okay, what's next, and the choice you'll have in front of you is, are we done, or are we going to rebuild something new, as a new mom, and a a new dad and a new,

somebody learning a new trade because it's not safe to keep doing my job. And I got to do something different because I got to provide for my family and I need purpose. And I need, I need you to let me love you. And I, all those things, man, hard, scary. And when he tells you the truth, you have to decide, okay, I'm not going to get all in my feels and respond. I'm going to exhale. I'm going to write it down. I'm going to choose not to go to war with you.

I'm going to choose not to be mean, but he has to choose to engage, right? And let's get to a place where we can ask ourselves this question. How do we want this home to feel when both of us get home? Let's just reverse engineer that. Congratulations on having this new little boy. He's lucky to have you as his mom. And you have fought and scratched and clawed and survived so much. Let's redesign this marriage and let's rebuild it and let's go create it.

Because it has the chance to be something amazing. Thanks for the call, Robin. We'll be something amazing. Thanks for the call, Robin. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. October is the season for wearing costumes. And if you haven't started planning your costume, seriously, get on it. I'm pretty sure I'm going to go as Brad Pitt because we have the same upper body, but whatever. Look, it's costume season. And if we're being honest, a lot of us hide our true selves behind masks and costumes more often than we want to. We do this at work. We do this in social settings. We do this around our own families. We even do this with ourselves. I have been there multiple times in my life and it's the worst. If you feel like you're

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Deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Deloney. All right, let's go out to Coeur d'Alene and talk to Daniel. What's up, Daniel? Oh, doing okay. Excellent, excellent. I just, yeah Daniel. What's up, Daniel? Oh, doing okay. Excellent, excellent. I just, yeah. So what's up, man? How can I help? So I got my question wrote down, and I'll do my best to speak clearly

and let me know if you have any issues hearing me. All right, let it rip. All right, so I wrote, how do I move forward after hard conversations or conflict, whether it's with my spouse, family, friends, or strangers. Specifically, I'm dealing with a feeling of fear. What happens is in the moment, I'll shut down and just want to get out of the situation a lot of times. And if it's serious enough, I'll sit there and dwell on it for days over and over what I could have done differently or what I could have

said. Part B is that, and the most important factor is I've been struggling with pornography use since about the age of 15. I've always battled with fear even before pornography use, but I think it's magnified the fear in those situations. I admit that it's my own doing, but it's robbed and taken too much joy and peace out of my life. I'm thankful to be in this situation, believe it or not, because I've had the courage to finally speak up with my wife and tell her the truth about how I've been drowning in this for so long. And I'm ready to be an encouragement to my family and the friends. Cause I know so many people are struggling with this same issue. And I'm,

I'm proud of you for saying that out loud, dude. Will you take a huge deep breath for me? Yeah. Thank you. That's the first time you ever said that out loud other than to your wife. Yeah. Yeah? Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, for a long time at least. Been sitting in there, man. Yep. All right. Did your wife, when you told her, did she say, screw you, I'm out of here? No. What'd she say? There's a little bit of backstory to that too.

I don't know if you want it or not. Go for it. So I was out of town working for two months, and then I got home, and I've never had any issues with any neighbors or anything, but my one neighbor was very confrontational. I'm not sure if he was drunk or on some drug or what happened, but he wanted to fight, you know, just being crazy,

and I walked away from it, but I went inside. But after that happened, I was in such fear, you know, just what could happen, all these thoughts running through my head, you know, what may happen, you know, anyway. And it was obviously very irrational, right? Like this guy's going to come get me and my family, whatever. And that's not even real because I've never had an issue with them up to that point. So anyway, after sitting in that fear for, you know, a week or whatnot, and just scrambling, my wife approached me and just said, you know, I felt something probably, you know, from God in my spirit, just, you know, tell me to ask you, have you been using pornography? And I told her the truth, you know, I to ask you have you been using pornography and I told her the truth you know I

said yes I've been struggling with it and in our premarital counseling we talked about it too five years ago I but I you know I wasn't really completely honest with how bad it had gotten so she knew about it but you know she was I guess in the dark and I was hiding it still. Sure. So all the things that you're saying, like a lifetime struggle with pornography. Yeah. This constant, after you have social interactions,

this rumination and rumination and rumination, I should have said this, and I saw them, they kind of looked away, and so I think that meant this. Yep. I should have said this and I saw them they kind of looked away and so I think that meant this and this post hoc social engineering right I'm gonna I'm gonna replay what happened

as though if I replay it enough I can change what actually happened and then this casting into the future like my neighbor comes and he's gonna do this I mean he's gonna do this he's gonna do this he's gonna do this instead of he was just kind of out of his mind and he had a bad day. Yeah. Exactly.

All of that tells me that you have this internal terror that you're going to be left or rejected. Did somebody leave you when you were young? Uh, no. I mean, my parents got divorced. So kind of, but stop, you know, know stop the answer to that question

is yes one of my parents moved out on me yes and left town yeah how old i was away how old i was 12 okay in the most formidable important season of your life outside of the newborn era when the brain goes and quadruples itself, I made that up, it just, everything changes. Who left, mom or dad? Dad had to move. He had to move to court. No, he didn't. He chose to leave.

Okay. Dad chose to leave. You're right. Yeah. Okay. And ever since then, 12-year-old Daniel's been wondering what's so bad about me. Okay. Yep. And ever since then, 12 year old Daniel's been wondering what's so bad about me. Right. And you couldn't risk a real relationship and the internet gave you some fake ones.

Exactly. Yep. And you can't just trust yourself to be you, all your awkward self. So you show up and you try to be who you think social people want you to be. And then you replay it over and over and over and over and over. Because if they leave you too, then it's all confirmed. You suck and you're not worthy of being loved. Right.

Stop. Yeah. Stop. Stop. Isn't that exhausting, dude? Oh, yeah. Yeah, it is. Stop. Isn't that exhausting, dude? Oh, yeah. Yeah, it is. Very. Remember that moment when your wife, did she hug you after you were honest about your pornography? Yeah. Yeah, she did.

Okay. Held my hand. Do you remember what that felt like? Like a whole bunch of cinder blocks were taken off your shoulders? Exactly. Yeah. Okay. That's exactly how it felt. That can be your life if you'll allow it. Right, yeah.

Yeah, that makes sense. I don't need it to make sense. I need you to feel that in your body. Okay. Bro, the way you're living is so exhausting. exhausting you have a relationship with your old man yes i do very good have you ever sat down and said hey why'd you leave me uh no i haven't done that then your relationship's not super good what probably is happening is you've learned to perform because you're terrified he's going to leave you again.

Yeah. Yeah, that's probably right. And you laugh at his dumb jokes and you accept his political positions and yada, yada, yada. And he's probably tried to overdad you to correct his previous mistake. Yeah.

Fair? Yeah, that's fair. That's fair. Listen to me super carefully, okay? Okay. You're not a piece of crap, Daniel. Thank you. And you're worth being friends with.

Yeah, I agree. I know you agree intellectually, but you don't believe me. Well, I think I do. I'm just trying to speak clearly for you. Are you weird? Are you awkward? No. I mean, maybe, I guess.

I am. Maybe. Super awkward. I mean, I think I've gotten a lot better socially, honestly. After I got married, I've been a lot more open and friendly with people. All right. I wish there was a more romantic way to say what I'm about

to say I wish there was a more sophisticated esoteric way to say what I'm about to say and there's just not okay

yeah just say it you have to choose to believe you're worth being friends with right you have to choose to begin to practice to stop dwelling on social interactions

for days on end. That's what I want to do. That's what I'm going to do. I'm going to teach you. I'm going to give you a couple of homework assignments that you can do that I promise you

if you'll stick with it and not give up that over time you'll get more confident, your body will learn. Right. And then when people reject you or they walk away from a conversation, your body won't go to war trying to salvage something that has nothing to do with you. It has to do with them.

Right. Fair. Okay. Yeah, that's fair. All right. Every time you get done with a social situation and you begin to spin out, I want you to stop

and take 10 minutes and write it all down. Okay. Keep a special journal that's just for negative self-talk. Yeah. I shouldn't have.

I should have. I can't believe I. I wonder if I want you to write those things down and literally feel yourself getting them out of your body. Okay. I've heard you say that a lot on your show. I listen a lot. I've done that here and there. I need to do it regularly.

Make it a regular practice. Okay. Just like going to the gym every once a month or so is not going to get you anywhere. Right. What we're doing over time is teaching our body to begin to default to something else. Yeah.

Like, oh, that guy just walked away. I used to spin out like you. And now, when someone's like, oh, I gotta go, I think, oh, do they gotta go to the bathroom? That's's my first I get to make up whatever story I want one of those is funny one of those is not yeah right

the second one is you have to decide to stop having imaginary conversations with people that are not in the room yeah that's true very true I feel that how often do you spend having conversations in your head with other people that are not in the room? Too often. I can't put a time frame or number on it, but like I said, anything major or serious happens.

Okay. Yeah. What I deem to be major, I guess. Right. I am going to take a guess here. I wonder how much of those imaginary conversations is your mind and body spinning out trying to solve a problem

and the problem is why did dad leave? Yeah. I wonder what it would be like for you to say, dad, I want to have a serious hard conversation with you.

And to tell him up front my 12 year old daniel is still wondering why'd you leave me right yeah because i've never yeah i've never talked about it with him i just heard all the stories from my siblings and you know what i mean from parents but i never had that well and he may say i'm gonna have to tell you some things about your mom that you don't want to hear. Yeah. Or I really screwed up and I'm so sorry. Or tell him, dad, I've been wondering for 20 years what I did. Yeah.

And maybe he'll look you in the eye and start weeping and say, dude, I'm so sorry. That was never yours to carry. Yeah. And he might come up with a stupid excuse and make up some bull crap story right? yeah it's possible thank you appreciate it

do you have some accountability to be done with poisoning your mind? yeah so I have a friend that has a naturopathic clinic and he's been I've been in there a couple times and I have a friend that has a naturopathic clinic, and I've been in there a couple times, and I have his number. He's a good friend. No, no, I'm talking about, like, bro, if pornography is burying you, you've got to stop. Right.

And if that means cutting off the internet in your house for six months, then cut off the internet in your house. It's not worth it, man. Yeah. So what was your question, I guess? Are you done with it? Yes, I'm done. Do you have any

accountability plans? Do you have people in your life that you can call? An SA group you can talk to? Like a group of men that you can be like,

bro, I'm struggling hard. Or here's the bigger thing. When you're about to log in, when you're about to go to X site or you pick up thing. When you're about to log in, when you're about to go to X site or you pick up your phone and you're about to go to wherever, if you can just pause for two seconds

and say, what's my body trying to protect me from right now? It almost never wants to go see other people having sex. It almost always wants to protect see other people having sex. It almost always wants to protect you from feeling less than, about to be rejected, bored, not feeling alive, annoyed with your wife, whatever's going on. That's the real issue that we've got to deal with. And in your case, I would be willing to bet money it's something around you're about to feel rejected.

Yeah, I mean, I could see that totally. But yes, I'm completely done with it it's gonna glad it didn't glad it didn't lead to me you know running off with another woman or something it wouldn't have led to that that would have been a choice you made yeah and that's that's what I mean that I didn't yes that's fair okay and if you're having like if you're texting people you shouldn't be texting if you're talking to people you shouldn't be talking, that's fair. Okay. And if you're having, like, if you're texting people you shouldn't be texting, if you're talking to people you shouldn't be talking to, that ends today. Those numbers are out of your phone. They're deleted.

They're gone. Fair? Right. Yeah, that's fair. No, none of that's going on. Okay. The next time you catch yourself having an imaginary conversation with somebody, just stop.

Whether it's, and people are listening going, oh, okay, I'll just stop. Literally. Say out loud, stop, or not having this conversation today. I did that in the shower this morning. I was having an imaginary conversation with somebody I work with because I got pissed off last night at an event and I need to talk to them today. And I just started rehearsing the conversation and you know what when I was rehearsing it I was winning I was crushing them and saying all the right it's so stupid it's a fake power trip that's what I was experiencing today right and I had to stop and go stop like stop you're not having imaginary conversations right now number one it's weird to have imaginary conversations in the shower naked about one of your coworkers. That's just strange. But beyond that, stop. Have an imaginary conversation.

I mean, have a real conversation with somebody that you need to solve a problem with. But it takes time. And when I get tired, when I don't eat right, when I've been traveling, then my default setting starts to roll back a little bit. And I got to remind myself, I do an imaginary conversations. I'll either cross that bridge when I get there, or I'm going to call that person and set up a meeting and we're going to figure it out. But I'm not going to weigh down my life with imaginary things. Each day has enough trouble of its own. All of this rests on the thing you hear me say over and

over and over daniel you're worth having peace in your life and you're worth coming home and not feeling like everybody's going to reject you and you're worth getting some closure with your old man if you think he can handle that and you also have you're worth knowing that if he can't handle that that's not on you that's on him I'm like, you're not carrying his crap anymore. Hang on the line, brother. I'm going to send you a copy of Building a Non-Anxious Life and Own Your Past, Change Your Future. My two number one bestselling books. I want you to go through them and read them slowly.

Okay. Read them a chunk at a time and digest them and metabolize them and begin to do the exercises in those books. And just never forget there's peace on the other side of this thing if you continue to chase it, chase it, chase it, claw, scratch, go get it. Proud of you, brother. I'm proud of you. Let's go solve for peace.

Not solve for worry and solve for, what did they say? Solve for peace. not solve for worry and solve for, what did they say? What did they, solve for peace. We'll be right back. Hey, good folks. Let's talk about hallow. All right. I say this all the time.

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with the Hallow Meditation on the scripture of the day. It's a discipline and it's a practice. And here's what I'm learning. As with anything of importance and meaning, prayer takes intentionality, practice, and showing up even when I don't feel like it and even I don't want to. This is discipline. Sometimes you do this by yourself

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Three free months of the app when you go to halo.com slash deloney. Go right now and change your life. All right, we're back. Let's go out to Athens, Georgia and talk to Hannah. Hannah, what's up, Hannah? Hi, how are you? Awesome. How are you? I would say awesome, but then I wouldn't be calling. And I'm not doing awesome either. I'm just fine. I'm just fine. I'm being overdramatic like always. What's up? Well, i kind of have a two-part question um

i'm worried that my husband may be having an emotional affair with my best friend and i'm having difficulties having like open and honest conversations with him about it okay tell me more um so i guess I guess it all started a month ago. I woke up one morning, just happened to see that the security cam doorbell thing had a banner on my phone. And it was my husband leaving the house at midnight. And then there was another one that had him coming back at 2 a.m. And so when I asked him about it, he just said it's lit. Hold on, Hannah, those are called regular

affairs, not emotional affairs. Okay. Well, so he said he went next door, which is my best friend is my neighbor next door. And, um, her and me and my husband and her and her husband, we hang out, we do things with the kids. So I didn't actually feel weird about that. But what I, I asked him, how did it come to be that he went over there at midnight? And he just said that she invited him over. So that didn't really sit well. And I just asked him to see the text so I could understand. And a few hours after him just refusing to let me see the phone at all, he told me he

deleted the text. Hannah. Yeah. You hear yourself as you're saying this, right? Oh, I know. I know. Until you decide I'm going to sit in reality, I can't help you.

Yeah. You know. Has he cheated on you before? Yes. Okay. Do you have little ones? Do you have little ones? Yeah.

Okay. We have an almost 13-year-old and an 8-year-old. And you promised yourself never again, right? Of course. And you blamed yourself for part of it last time, right? Yes, sir. I'm not minimizing what this all means. Okay?

Yeah. In fact, I know that you don't want to turn around because if you turn around, you realize that the gates of hell have just been opened. Mm-hmm. And so it's easier just to keep looking forward and make up imaginary stories. Yep.

But I would not be your friend and I wouldn't be someone who cares about you if I didn't metaphorically hold your hand and say, we got to turn around and look because the gates are wide open. Right. It doesn't. I have left my house

multiple times in the middle of the night and just go sit with people whose family members have passed away. And it's with a team of people. And it's part of a job. Or just to sit in hotels and whatever. Okay. So I've done that. So many times I can't even count.

I pride myself on being available for my friends 24-7, 365. And for people in my community. If there ever was a moment when my wife said, let me see your phone, well, she wouldn't have to do that because she's got my code and she can look anytime she wants. Right. And I don't have a history of cheating on my wife.

I have a history of being an idiot. You see what I'm saying? Like every variable you told me. Where was your best friend's husband? Apparently from what she has told me, he was upstairs with their youngest trying to get him to bed and she just really needed a corkscrew to open a wine bottle. I know.

You can't be serious. I know. I know. I know. Oh, I wish I could laugh. I know. I'm laughing for you. I'm laughing laughter you don't have.

I know. I know you don't have it. I know you don't have it. And I know if you start laughing, you'll probably start crying. You won't be able to stop. I know. Okay? I know. I know. I know you don't have it. I know you don't have it. And I know if you start laughing, you'll probably start crying. You won't be able to stop. I know. Okay. I know. So what, we're at that magical place. Everyone I've ever sat with, eventually we get to this one question. What are you going to do now? That's, that's what I've been asking myself every day. Okay. I know what I should do. I think. No, there's not a should. There's not a should. There's not a have to. There's just an is. Because if you, if you, if you say I should, then you're outsourcing, you're blaming, you're outsourcing your next move on some kind of cultural pressure or social pressure, blah, blah, blah.

Right. What do you want to do? I mean, I wish I could just forget about it completely. You can't. You can sweep another rug you're a grown up you get to do that I've done that for 10 years

I know you have and if in this one of those moments if you've got a serial cheater that it everything kind of stops like

do do do like Star Wars right and all of a sudden you go oh crap this has been happening for a long time right and by the way there is a way to

um you can just google it there's a way to get deleted text messages that they stay on your phone i know i tried that and that's when he i i tried to be sneaky but well i asked him for it he handed me the phone and i started to do that that's when I saw the amount of text messages between the two of them. Okay. But he snatched it out of my hand before I could actually go through anything. Okay. And that's really... Listen, listen.

Yeah. I'm not going to make any judgments of you. I'm not going to beat you up. I'm just going to sit here with you. Okay. You can live with somebody who's going to lie to your face and sleep with your next door neighbor slash best friend, who, by the way,

she's not your best friend. Stop referring to her as that. Right. Um, she's a neighbor who is sleeping with your husband and, or let's say they're not sleeping together as being so incredibly, um, disrespectful of you and your marriage and your integrity.

Just stupid, right? Just dumb. Yeah. You can live with that life and you can raise your two kids and let them see like, this is what love looks like. And this is what marriage looks like. Or you can make another choice. And I'm not, I'm not like the thought of becoming a single mom that that phrase is

terrifying and what that means economically what that means decision making and if you have done anything dumb every one of your texts is going to be made public too in court like all that stuff i know i get it i get it but you have to choose to live in reality. And if you can't keep bury the weight, bear the weight of reality, which I get, I've been there myself. And you got to get somebody to sit with you and hold it with you. Right.

And that's been the difficult part because he's telling me that my reality isn't the actual reality. I know. And he's, I mean, when you, when you just said that the thing about the corkscrew, it's not on the camera,

all of the men and women in the booth, like they all dropped their heads like, Oh God, I know. I know. If nothing else you get from this call, you're not crazy. You do have some choices to make.

I didn't hear that. Thank you. You have some hard choices to make. Mm-hmm. But you're not crazy. Well, I appreciate that. So how can I help with you? I guess that was it.

I mean, you know, I talked to her about things, and it just, I realized my, you know, the part of me that said, I just want to know what was in that text, but that won't really make anything better, because then they'll just be waiting for the next shoe to drop. You know what's in those texts, Hannah. You know. I know, I just wanted to. You know. I know. I just wanted to be so wrong. I know. I know. Trust me.

I would love for you to call and say, I think my husband's having an affair, and you rattle it off, and me go, I don't think that's it at all. I would love that. I would love that and if that was the case as a guy who would gladly in the middle of the night go over to my friend's house and help their wife out with anything they needed right

not anything most things I would gladly unthinkingly hand my phone over to anybody. Right. And I would also set up some pretty ridiculous guardrails, right? Right, yeah.

And if I'd ever cheated on my wife, if I'd ever slept with somebody that wasn't my wife, I would have new rules that say I don't go over to people's houses in the middle of the night. The funny thing is we had those rules. They sat on our refrigerator for years. He just forgot. No, he didn't. He never cared. He never cared. I know.

He never cared. I know. Will you just sit with me for a minute in that? Yes. Yes. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. In the same way I'm asking you to live in reality, until he decides to sit down and be honest with you, there's not a lot of co-creating what happens next.

You're going to have to move on your own right right if he decides to sit down and say alright here's a deal but until he decides to be honest I mean what does he even say when he looks you in the eye and says you can't see my phone like that doesn't make

any sense to me you're looking for something you're going to be a detective here we go yes i am show me your phone why do you back away there um i did i mean i was i was i didn't physically take it from him that's the only thing i didn't do i mean i did actually say the word if you don't show me your phone right now, we're done. Yeah. Did he laugh at you? He didn't laugh, but he, that's when he hadn't deleted it at that point. And then after that, an hour later, he was like, well, I deleted it. And he, okay. You've heard me say this a million times on the show. Behavior is a language. What did he tell you? This is over.

Yep. He called your bluff. Yep. Cool. This is over. Yep. And you're the one that doesn't want to hear what he just said. By deleting the thing you said, if I don't see it, I'm out. And he's like, cool. Delete. I call. Yep.

Yep. It's true. Do you have somebody you can call? Yes. You have somebody you can sit with in your local community and be completely 100% honest? Yes, I do. I will be available to you every step of the way. Call back anytime.

Okay. And you know like I do, the way. Call back anytime. Okay. And you know, like I do, the next while is going to be awful. And it's, it will be, it will be insane

to expect someone who has no character, who has no integrity, who hurts you with his dishonesty and then makes you feel crazy for it to suddenly treat you with dignity and respect as your marriage,

as y'all figure out what happens next. Right. Okay. Yeah. He heard you. If you don't show me this, this marriage is over. Cool.

Delete. You're right. I just didn't want to see it but I know it I'm so so sorry that's alright I think this is what I need I need somebody

to just say here's the mirror look at what you're saying you know that you're not crazy you're not crazy and you heard it you heard yourself when you said it like you're not crazy. Yeah, you're not crazy. You're not crazy. And you heard it. You heard yourself when you said it. Like, you're not crazy. I'm heartbroken with you.

I'm heartbroken with you. And for everybody watching this on YouTube, I'm going to ask you to be really kind to her in the comments. When you're in the fog of this, and you don't want to believe it, it's so much easier to come up with wild stories to not have to deal with everything I know is now in ash. So I'm going to ask people in the comments, be supportive and be kind.

It's hard to say these things when you're sitting in it. And right now, jokes and grenades are not going to help. What's going to help is like, we're with your sister. I hate it. I hate it for you too. Or this happened to me also. Hannah, call anytime. I'll walk alongside you in any way I can. And I'm going to recommend that you talk to somebody today, whether that's an attorney, whether that's a close friend. Find somebody and be completely 100% honest. And from that seat, that choice to choose reality, now you can figure out what we're going to do next.

And nobody can make that next move for you but you. Man, I'm so sorry. We'll be right back. Hey, what's up? Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious or burned out or chronically stressed at some point. In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life. Get your copy today at johndeloney.com.

All right, we have a pretty rad update to share. This letter is from Megan, and Megan was on the show a few months ago. Megan from Canada. Here's what she writes. Hey, Dr. John, it's been a few months since we spoke. I took your advice and started following Dr. Becky on Instagram. I also bought her new book. I think it's called Good Inside, and me and my husband have been reading it together. We've been doing our best to follow her strategies and we've been noticing a huge difference with our kids. It doesn't stop the kids from having tantrums, but it gives us a roadmap for us

to help them walk through it. Awesome, awesome. When we were on your show, I'd recently finished your new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life. And you told me that I can't give from an empty cup. I'd come to realize that as well from reading your book. As a result, I've made a regular practice of doing gratitude and feelings journal. I've also made it a point to move my body regularly and begin to eat better.

I also started watching The Minimal Mom with my good friend, Don Madsen, who I just think the world of, to figure out how to get my home in order because our stuff was definitely making me feel anxious. I've gotten rid of bags of stuff. I also came to realize how lonely I'm feeling, so I've taken the steps to reach out to acquaintances that I've already had. I've made monthly get-togethers with them, and I'm being open about what I've got going on in my life. Thank you so much for your advice and your help. I'm doing my best to build a non-anxious life, and I feel much more at peace. Megan, everybody listening, this is when I say you got to do the hard work.

That's what this is. I got to go find an expert like Dr. Becky Kennedy to learn about the chaos in my kids' lives and how I can better show up for them. I got to go find an expert like Don Mattson with the Minimal Mom and learn, okay, the psychology and the identity around my stuff and how do I just begin to dig in and get rid of some of this stuff because it's all the clutter that can make me anxious. And hey, I picked up your book and I realized I'm lonely. I've got this. I got that.

This is what the hard work looks like. And Megan, you're doing it. Slowly but surely. And I love this. I feel much more at peace. I'm so proud of you. I'm so, so proud of you. And for everybody out there who feels overwhelmed, feels like my kids are out of control,

I got too much crap in my house, my finances are out of control, my relationships, I'm lonely. This is what this looks like. I'm going to seek the information, right? I'm going to get with the right people, but then I'm just going to go start doing it. I'm just going to start doing it. I'm going to get rid of bags of stuff. I'm going to start having monthly get-togethers where I'm just going to say, here's how I'm doing. And if you don't want to be in my life, you get to choose that, but I'm just going to start being honest. I'm going to stop trying to perform for everybody. What you're going to find is like the great C.S. Lewis says that the definition of friendship is, oh, you too? Megan, I'm proud of you. Thanks for riding with

us and thanks for being honest and vulnerable on the show. And more importantly, thanks for making these changes in your life. Everybody listening, you can too. I love you guys. We'll see you soon.