The Dr. John Delony Show - I Don’t Want To Become My Parents!

Episode Date: April 12, 2023

On today’s show, we hear about: - A 21-year-old who finds himself repeating the toxic relational patterns of his parents - A woman struggling with deep homesickness - A wife wondering if her marriage is over due to her husband’s habitual unfaithfulness Lyrics of the Day: "Fly To The Angels" - Slaughter Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show.  Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp DreamCloud Churchill Mortgage Thorne Add products to your cart create an account at checkout Receive 25% off ALL orders Resources: Own Your Past, Change Your Future Questions for Humans Conversation Cards Redefining Anxiety Quick Read John’s Free Guided Meditation Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately. Learn more about your ad choices. https://www.megaphone.fm/adchoices Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. My memories of them are from about five to eight years old of them being together. And these memories include them fighting, name-calling, ghosting, screaming and yelling at each other. Basically, I noticed I have these same tendencies with my family today and even my girlfriend. Oh, man. Good morning, good afternoon, good night. What's up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show.

Hey, this is a show helping you figure out what in the world is going on with your marriage, what's going on with your kids, what's going on with the world around you, your mental health, your physical health, whatever's going on in your life, that's what this show is for. We're helping millions of people get their lives back, get their marriages back, get their kids back, get their bodies and minds working again. And we are here for you. So thank you so much for joining us. If you want to be on the show, give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291. It's 1-844-693-3291 or go to johndeloney.com slash ask. And I want to particularly thank

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World-class supplements from a world-class company at a great, great price. All right, let's go out to Utah and talk to brother Ryan. What's up, Ryan? Hello, John. How are you doing today? I'm doing great, man. How about you? I'm doing really well. Excellent. Excellent. What's up? Well, today I came to you with a question. I'm wondering, how do I eliminate unhealthy, emotionally charged behaviors in my relationships with my family and significant others when I'm hurt and frustrated. Cool, man. How old are you?

I'm 21. 21. What's emotional charge? What does that look like in real life? Well, I want to give you a little bit of background on this. Okay. So when I was eight years old, my parents ended up splitting up. That means my memories of them are from about five to eight years old of them being together. And these memories include them fighting, name calling, ghosting, screaming and yelling at each other.

And that's, you know, what I learned to be normal. And basically, I noticed I have the same tendency with my family today and even my girlfriend. And I just, you know, these, these were my normal relationship, uh, situations. And so how do I fix that? Oh man. How, how much honesty can you handle today? I think I can handle a lot. A little bit or a lot? If I lay it on pretty good, will we still be friends?

I'm open to it, yes. Okay. You mentioned the word tendency a lot. I want to throw that word out and never use it again. Okay. Your parents beat each other up physically and metaphorically. I mean, and psychologically and emotionally. Okay. That happened. You saw all of that. And you also, even at a young age, knew that's not right. It scared you. It's the only picture you had, but you knew it wasn't right. And so I want to fast forward to you're a 21-year-old. You're an adult and screaming and yelling and carrying on and being over emotional with someone that you care about with anybody, much less your girlfriend. I want to take mom and dad out now. Okay. I don't want to continue to call back to, well, this is just I know to take mom and dad out now. Okay.

I don't want to continue to call back to, well, this is just, I know it's just a tendency I have. No, you're screaming and yelling and being abusive to your girlfriend. Stop. Is that fair? I think so. Yes. Okay.

I know. So tell me why you're struggling. Cause you know, this hurts her. You don't feel good after you're done screaming and hollering and acting the fool. Why do you continue to do it? What does it get you? You know, it doesn't get me anywhere. And it hurts me too, but in the moment, it just feels so natural, I guess.

It gets you something. What is it? You wouldn't keep doing it. I guess it puts me in a position of power over her sometimes. Okay. And that keeps you from feeling small and little and scared like that five-year-old little boy was when mom and dad were screaming and smashing things? Yeah. Does your girlfriend deserve to be treated like this?

No, she doesn't. Does anybody? I don't want to change it. Nobody does. Okay. Your parents cannot change your situation in the present, so let's stop talking about them. We've done the tracing.

We know where it's from, and now we just got to come to the present. How in are you on making a change here i'm in 100 it's hard because power is a a really really um seductive mistress like if you told me you wanted to quit lying or quit cheating like man that's easier than turning off the addiction to this temporary feeling of power and strength

yes for sure so here's what we're going to do we're going to create a new identity starting right this second okay from this point forward Ryan is a guy who never yells. Ryan is a guy who never screams, who's never emotionally abusive. That's not the kind of guy you are.

That's not who you are. Those are things that you never do. Say it. I will never do those things. I will never. No, no, no, no. I'm not going to love people. You're talking.

See, you skipped a step. You went straight to actions. I don't want. I want identity. I'm a guy who. Fill in the blank. Use your own words, not mine. I'm a guy who loves people and treats them well.

Nope. Because you can love people and treats them well. Nope. Because you can love people and treat them well and also lose your mind and throw a temper tantrum and scream and yell. Who are you? Who are you going to be from this point forward? I guess someone who... No, no, no guessing.

Say it. Carter Amrod, say it. I'm a guy who's going to take care to make sure i'm mindful of people's emotions and take care of my own self oh my gosh could you say it any more like me ryan i'm a guy who does not scream at anybody ever. I'm a guy that doesn't scream at people. Ever. Ever. I'm a guy who doesn't ever raise his voice because I'm not a child.

I'm a man who will not scream because I'm not a child anymore. Okay. I'm a man who will love my girlfriend, my future wife. I'll love my kids with a deep respect. I'm never going to take that from them by trying to be overly powerful. You don't have to say all that, but you get what I'm saying. This is going to take an entire identity change because if you just try to change actions, what you're going to do is what most dads do most husbands do most boyfriends do and you're just going to channel it somewhere else what do i mean by that instead of screaming and yelling and being all angry you're going to just

bury it deep inside your chest like a nuclear reactor and everyone in the house is going to know you're in a bad mood But you're not going to say anything And then if she says are you okay what's wrong you're going to get all mad Why are you always bothering me about me being in a bad mood? I'm fine You're the one that keeps nagging me. See what i'm saying? It's the same exact thing one is just done with silence and one is done with volume So we're not going to focus so much right this second on just doing a couple of things

differently. We're going to change who we are. And that starts with a proclamation. I will never yell at a person again. If that means in the middle of a fight or a middle of a disagreement, or I feel it welling up inside of me, I'm going to look at her and say, I need five minutes and you just sprint out the front door and go for a walk. That's what you're going to do. That means you drop and do 20 pushups. If that means you take a knee and you say, will you

hold my hand? That means if you say no more talking, I need, I need, we need to finish this tomorrow because I'm a guy who never yells. So like one of my core things like i'm a guy who doesn't borrow money, I just don't borrow money And so hey, we need this thing. Well, we're not going to get this thing We're gonna have to figure out another way to do it. I'm gonna have to go sell something I'm gonna have fill in the blank. I'm gonna have to take on another job I'm gonna have to take another shift. I may have taken another speaking gig because i'm a guy who doesn't borrow money So that means i've got to figure out another avenue. I've taken it completely off the table. And so that's the level of identity shift. Okay. So that's number one. Number two, you have to decide I'm going to catch

myself when the feelings begin. And I'm going to take myself out of that situation. I'm going to ask myself, what is my body trying to protect me from? I can almost guarantee you, your body's trying to protect you from feeling powerless ever again because you felt it when you were a kid and you never want to feel it again. Am I right or wrong? You're correct. Yeah. Part of being in a relationship is sometimes feeling small. It's part of it. And the way to rebalance the power not the power, the way to rebalance your relationship is not

ripping somebody else down by their hair and bringing them down below you. That's not it. Sometimes it's just standing up. You get that? So play it out for me. Play out the scenario. When's the last time you yelled and screamed and found yourself just in a rage? What happened? I don't know. Like something happened recently. That's clean up her car, right? And she had another option from one of her friends who was going to go to help her,

but she wasn't like figuring it out. And I kind of just lost it. I raised my voice. I didn't yell or anything. I raised my voice for sure. About cleaning the car? I was like, yeah, I know. So stupid. What about it? What about that moment made you raise your voice? What were you trying to communicate? I guess I was trying to

say that I'm trying to, you know, do something for her. Um, and when she has another option, but it's not exploring it or trying to help me with that, I was like, I feel like I don't know what to do. And that was my first response was to raise my voice and get frustrated at her. I don't think your first response is to raise your voice, to get frustrated with her. I think your first response is to raise your voice so that you can get those, that your mom and your dad to look at you. Will somebody please look at me because I'm scared and I'm hurting.

And mom and dad chose other options. And so when your girlfriend has another option, your body just goes to terror mode and you have to learn to be an adult and say, we were scared when we were five, but now I'm 21. Now I'm 22. Now I'm 30. Now I'm 40. I don't kick and scream like a child anymore. I acknowledge, whoa, whenever she has another option, it makes me feel uncomfortable. It makes me feel less than, man, yellsers. I need to choose to work on that, to not feel like that. I need to reach back out and say, hey, you have a million options. I'd love to help you with your car. If you don't want my help, that's great. I'm going to go do something else.

That's you choosing peace, not choosing war. You get the difference? Yes, sir. Do you want that? Of course I want that. I've got some buddies that just love chaos. They just love it, man. Like they're content to die just in chaos.

And I don't understand it. I'm just always wanting a more and more peaceful life. Here's the thing that's worked for me. When I feel my body taken off on me, I literally will take my open hand and put it on my chest. I'll take a deep breath and I will ask myself, what is my body trying to protect me from? It is almost never, it's almost never my wife. It's almost never my kids. It's almost always a feeling of I'm feeling powerless. I'm feeling less than, I'm feeling not important.

And that's my issue, not theirs. That's my issue, not theirs. Sounds like you spent a long time, a lot of years, blaming your late teen and early adulthood behaviors and actions and choices on your parents. Let's don't do that anymore. As Jocko says, let's take full ownership. Let's take extreme ownership. I'm Ryan.

I'm 21 years old. I'm an adult. I'm old enough to buy beer. From this point forward, I'm a guy who treats people with dignity and respect. From this point forward, I'm a guy who never raises his voice because only children raise their voice unless they're trying to keep somebody from falling off a bridge or getting hit by a car or something. I don't raise my voice. It's just not who I am. It's not how I solve problems. And I'm a guy that when my body starts to take off on me, I feel it and I own it. And by the way, this is just me being vulnerable and honest. On Sunday, man, I was grumpy.

I wasn't feeling, I was just feeling low, just like a bum. My son and I, my daughter got a trampoline for Christmas and it's been sitting in the garage. I haven't had time to fix it. And my son has been asking me, can we get that up? Can we get that up? And I wanted a break. My son comes bebopping in, dad, can we put up the trampoline today?

And I was like, you know what? Fine. Let's just do it now. And he said, whoa, it's okay, dad. We don't have to do it today. He knew it. He could feel it on me. I was like, nope, you keep asking.

Let's just get this done. We went outside and I was grumpy. We got it done. I never raised my voice. I never yelled. I never got mad, but I was a nuclear reactor. And then yesterday, it was Monday, my son got home from school and he was walking through like, hey, dad. And I just said, hold on, come here, come here, come here.

He said, what happened? And he kind of froze like he was in trouble. And I said, hey, you are not in trouble. And I grabbed both sides of his face with my hands and I held his face. And I said, yesterday I was really just in a mood. It had nothing to do with you. That was about me. One of my favorite things about you is you kept asking, Hey dad, can we do something together? Can we do something together? Can we do something together? Can we build this thing? Because I know our family is going to love having trampoline back out there. Can we do this thing together? Can we do something together? Can we build this thing? Because I know our family's going to love having a trampoline back out there. Can we do this thing together? Thank you for not

giving up on me, son. My grumpiness was about me, not you. I was so fun getting to put that together with you. And he said, thanks, dad. And he went to the next room. I said, I was sorry. You're going to have to say you're sorry a lot, Ryan, because you're practicing a whole new way of life. Let me tell you, every second of it is worth it. Put the effort in. When you're 23, 24, you're not going to be this guy anymore. You're going to practice. You're going to have worked on it. You're going to grind, scraped your knuckles up,

but you're going to be a guy who doesn't yell and scream. You're going to be a guy who owns his feelings, treats people with dignity and respect, and is the person, you're going to be the person, who changes the family curse forever. It's not going to be fun, but it's going to be worth it. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. October is the season for wearing costumes, and if you haven't started planning your costume, seriously, get on it.

I'm pretty sure I'm going to go as Brad Pitt because we have the same upper body, but whatever. Look, it's costume season. And if we're being honest, a lot of us hide our true selves behind masks and costumes more often than we want to. We do this at work. We do this in social settings. We do this around our own families. We even do this with ourselves. I have been there multiple times in my life and it's the worst. If you feel like you're stuck

hiding your true self behind costumes and masks, I want you to consider talking with a therapist. Therapy is a place where you can learn to accept all the parts of yourself, where you can be honest with yourself and where you can take off the mask and the costumes and learn to live an honest, authentic life. Costumes and masks should be for Halloween parties, not for our emotions and our true selves. If you're considering therapy, I want you to call my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy. You can talk with your therapist anywhere so it's convenient for just about any schedule. You just get online and you fill out a short survey and you'll be matched with a licensed therapist. And you can switch therapists at any time for no additional cost.

Take off the costumes and take off the masks with BetterHelp. Visit BetterHelp.com slash Diloni to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-. All right, let's go to Laura in Spokane, Washington. What's up, Laura? I'm doing well. How are you? I'm great. Life all right? Y'all doing okay? Yeah, shaking a little bit. Oh, good grief. Don't, don't be shaken. I've, um, I've got my feet on the ground. I'm taking deep breaths. There you go. Perfect. Perfect. What's up? How can I help? So, um, my question is, uh, something I've been struggling with for a decade now, which is I'm homesick for Hawaii. And a lot of people in my family experience the same thing. And I've been trying to handle it by getting in touch with my community here and

just sort of hustling to get into the community and make friends. And, uh, it's difficult here and there. Um, but, uh, the homesickness, uh, it'll, it'll set me into just depression for on weekends at a time. Um, you've been feeling it for a decade, huh? Yeah. All right. I'm going to ask you a crazy question About homesickness, okay? Okay How old are you now? 30

Oh man, perfect So tell me about 20-year-old Laura Who was she? What was she going to be when she grew up? What does she want to do? Tell me about her Was she beautiful? Was she crazy?

Was she always making out with everybody? Tell me all about Laura. Oh my gosh. No. I mean, yes. 20-year-old Laura moved to San Francisco because she had a dream of working in the film industry, which is something that didn't exist essentially where I came from. It's kind of known if you want to get education, you go to the mainland. You go seek it out.

And everyone said, you can always come back, but it's unaffordable. It's practically impossible. Tell me about 18-year-old Laura. 18? Yeah. Oh, gosh. So 18-year-old Laura was jumping into freshwater uh, going to the beach, uh, having fun with all my buddies, uh, just family, family surrounded by family, grandparents, cousins, brothers,

sisters. Yep. Um, and, uh, my immediate family has all moved with me along the way, except for my grandparents who are still there. Um, and, uh, they always say that they're the abandoned grandparents. Of course. Grandparents are wonderful.

Um, um, passport agents for guilt trips. They're wonderful at that. My grandma was born there. Exactly. Yeah.

Most of the time. Not always. Now, I want to categorize it. You're talking about Hawaii. Okay? It's the most beautiful place on planet Earth. I want to categorize it like you're talking about Hawaii. Okay. So. Yeah. It's the most beautiful place on planet earth. Can we agree on that?

Yes. I was just hanging out with my friends this weekend and they are from Hawaii. And just listening to them discuss it. It sounds magic. I've never been. It sounds not real. Yeah. Everything not real from like the cleanliness of the air in certain parts of the certain islands to the pace.

Everyone's just kind of a notch slower to the food is so fresh. Like it was swimming this morning and we're eating it tonight. Like all of it to deep, deep family roots. Like he was explaining to me how this part of the family came over from Japan and this part. Like, I want you to know leaving that is very, very real. Okay? Okay. That's number one.

You're not crazy. The second thing is a more general statement of when I hear people talk about they're homesick, they miss. What they're often telling me is they miss the person they were before they left. Ah, I see. And the environment was a context, but often so is the age. When you said 20, I was like, yep. One of the coolest guys ever was 18 to 20 year old John. That guy ruled because he thought he ruled. He was an idiot, like a punk skinny moron, but he thought he was awesome

and the rules didn't apply and he could jump in pools and be silly and go on dates. And so I'm homesickness for, I'm homesick for him in his carefree attitude and the possibilities that were endless ahead of me and i always think if i just go back to that town and that place where i was i can reclaim that and it never works out because yeah because my john in his 40s he goes with him and that guy's tired has two kids been married a long time you know you know i mean it's just it's it doesn't like my hair i don't like my haircut like it's just it's just the same right that guy that guy goes with me yeah and so my question for you is do you miss hawaii and do you miss your family roots and do you have this deep call to get back to um like a family legacy that can be very very real and or

man do you miss that laura that a whole world was possibilities and you were going to go make it in the film you were going to be the one that got out and went and did this wild stuff on the mainland and then brought all this money and joy and excitement and fame back. And now you're 30 year old Laura and you're like, got a job. You got insurance, right? It's you missed that person. Is that what it is? I have my part time next and I have two toddlers. Oh my God. See?

Stay at home during the day, take care of them and the chores, and then go to work and serve. A lot of people like to bring their problems to me too. So is there a sense that in some ways now, especially with two toddlers and especially with your service job, you're living somebody else's life. Yeah, it feels like that sometimes. I bet it feels like that a lot.

I don't want to tell you how you're feeling, but I bet if you were honest with yourself, most of your day is spent making sure everyone else's life is okay. Yeah. Actually, the other night I said, you know, if i wanted to work in hospitality i would have stayed on the island because you can make a hundred you know a table a night i was gonna say yeah your tips would have been way more right yeah yeah here's what here's a third even wackier on top of these two layers that i've given you a A third one, it wasn't until within a hundred years, and especially it wasn't until the last, I don't know, 30 or 40, maybe 50 years,

that there were cameras everywhere and videos everywhere. And our brains have some really remarkable built-in ways of slowly letting memories fade and they take, they move into our bodies and they're not so acute and it's not so painful. We remember how we felt on the beach, but we don't remember like the exact, whatever they look like, right? And now we have bypassed that and we go back to it and go back to it and go back to it. We scan, we scan, we scan, we look at old photos, we look at old photos, We look at old videos. We look at new photos, at new videos. We see, you see new 18 year old Laura's running around on Hawaii and you remember you. You see what I'm saying? So we've kind of hacked our brains natural way of moving on from heartache

and from memories. And we keep dragging our brain back through the mud and be like, yeah, but remember this? And we keep bringing it back up through the mud and be like, yeah, but remember this? And we keep bringing it back up and it doesn't know what to do because this is new technology, right? And so we have all three of these things. Here's my question for you. When's the last time you asked yourself

with true honesty, what do I actually want with my one tiny precious little life? I've been thinking about that a lot lately. Lately? Yeah. Okay.

I'm going to tell you this. Running to a location probably won't give that to you. Okay. It might. It might. Let me be super clear. It might. It might. Let me be super clear. It might. Changing environments may be exactly what you need. But my guess is, or what I promise you is if you pack up right today and you move to Hawaii tomorrow and I gave you a million dollars and you had no money worries, 30-year-old Laura would go back to the island With your frustrations with your I haven't grieved over the fact that I was going to make it in the industry

And I got two little toddlers not a bad life a great life. In fact, but just different not what I not how I drew it up I have to remind myself that on occasion because it was not I'm a freaking youtuber now Laura. That's my job. That's my job. That was never in the cards. That wasn't the plan. And here we are, right? So sometimes I wanted to be,

I was gonna be a college president. That was gonna be what I did. And sometimes I have to remind myself, I intentionally chose a different track. I went a different way. And it's, my life's gonna look very different than it did. And it's all good. It's all good.

It's just gonna look different, right? So you've been asking yourself the question, what do you want? And I think I'm going in a positive direction because I'm hustling really hard to get into helping others get their films made out here. Oh my gosh. You're the most pragmatic mother of two. Stop being pragmatist for a second.

What do you want to do? Laura? Fast forward 36 months, 36 months. It's very, it's a blink of an eye. Three years, 36 months.

Fast forward to me there. Where do you want to be? What do you want to be doing? Okay. That's a really tough question. You have it. Right when I said it, it came right to you. You know exactly where you want to be.

You just don't want to say it out loud because you've said it before and it didn't work out. Where do you want to be? Helping my community. Oh, my gosh. I feel like i want i want community i want more community you want friends you want neighbors what does that mean what does community mean be very specific um a dungeons and dragons group okay okay I knew it You're kind of weird And you gotta be able to say that out loud Yeah Actually, yeah

It's really funny It's not funny I mean, I'm a weirdo Yeah, that's probably a weirdo I like to get together with my buddies And watch grown men punch each other in the face For money We watch fights

That's insane, it's dumb that we do that And I do it all the time buddies and watch grown men punch each other in the face for money i like we watch fights all that like that's insane it's dumb that we do that and i do it every week i do it all the time this weekend i'm going to see a punk rock show i'm in my 40s i'm too old for this i'm going anyway and i'm probably gonna get hurt just like i did last time and it will be worth like we're all weird and you look like that is right on that is right on the level with me. I am like, punk rock show sounds awesome. And then right after the show, you're going to sit down and look at cards about like wizards and swords and stuff

and sparkle things. I don't know what they... I don't know. I've never played. But here's the deal. I got a great friend named Wes and he's from the island. And he cooks incredible dishes.

Oh, yeah. You know whose house I never say no to when they invite me to dinner? My friend Wes. 100% of the time he's asked me to dinner, I go. Does he give you malasadas? I don't even know what that means, but he gives me lots of delicious things. I don't even know. I don't ask as many questions.

So here's the thing. If you started a weekly Dungeons and Dragons group and you said, I'm offering food, lots of delicious things. I don't even know. I don't ask as many questions. So here's the thing. If you started a weekly Dungeons and Dragons group and you said, I'm offering food, are you married? I am. Okay. If you told husband, hey, we're going to start putting some money in the budget

because we're going to start having people over and you might have to find things to do. In fact, I need you to take care of the kids because once a week I'm putting on my wizard warrior hat. I don't know what you wear to play dungeons dragons i'm putting on my cape and uh we're getting weird we're gonna get super weird up in here in this house and i'm making some great hawaiian food and i'm having people over within six months you would have a gang that would go to real war with you not just dungeons and dragons war but you have to be intentional about creating the life that you want to have

and then there's going to come a moment when laura who loves who she has become in whatever environment she is in might want to go back to hawaii great or might be completely at peace just visiting hawaii see what I'm saying? Yes. What's holding you back from creating a whole new world where you are? Time. I don't buy that. You got two knuckleheads, that's for sure.

What else? I fear probably too. Yeah. Yeah. Let me tell you this. The greatest gift you can give your kids is your presence. The second greatest gift you can give your kids is you go be well. And you go hang out with friends.

And you sit down with your husband and say, we have two little ones. Our marriage is different now. And I want a rambunctious, fun, wild, weird Dungeons and Dragons life. I want a great sex life again. I want to be crazy and silly again. I want all that stuff again and we're going to have to figure out how to do that. Because you keep thinking back to when I was 18, when I was 19

and the world was standing before me and I want to tell you at 30, the world is still standing right in front of you. Okay. It's just a little weirder now. Definitely weirder. You got two kids, right? Yeah.

And your husband does his accounting job or whatever. Who knows what he's doing? But it's just different now, but the world is still standing right in front of you. And you get one shot. You get one opportunity. And I sound like Eminem right now. You get one path.

That's it. You get one go. And it's easy. You're at a crossroads right now, Laura, that I hear over and over and over and over. You get two kids. You're married. You just find yourself doing the same thing over and over again. And suddenly you're going to blink and you're going to be 43. And you can either be 43 with some young teenage kids who are always rolling their eyes because

their mom is so fun and silly and goofy and holds them accountable. And her and dad are always closing the door in the middle of the afternoon and being all weird and turning the music up. God knows what they're doing in there because that's the kind of house we have. Or you can have a husband who's a roommate, kids who are just staring at their screens in the room. You get to choose the life. You get to choose it.

You get to choose it. You are worth that choice. You're worth that choice. You are worth that choice. You're worth that choice. You're worth that choice. It's going to be an adventure moving forward, Laura. You're worth every penny of it. Take your husband out for breakfast this week and said, Hey, I talked to this goofball on a podcast and everything's about to be different around here.

Hope you'll join me. We'll be right back. All right, let's go back to my hometown, home of the Houston Astros, and talk to Lynn in Houston. What's up, Lynn? Hey, how are you? Partying, how are you?

I'm doing good. Thanks for taking my call. Of course, thanks for calling. What are you doing? What's up? So my question is, how do I learn to trust my husband again and to be vulnerable in my marriage

to move forward after discovering lies and secrets that my husband has been keeping for years? Oh, gosh. I'm sorry. How long have y'all been married? We've been married nine years. Okay. Tell me the secrets. What'd you find? So in 2020, we were refinancing our house, and I found a large debt on our debt-to-wealth ratio statement.

And when I questioned my husband about it, I found out that he had been hiding about $60,000 in credit card debt since 2016. What was he spending that money on? He had tried to start a side business or a construction business after he had gotten laid off. And I didn't know that he wasn't making enough to cover his expenses. And so he was just putting things on credit cards and not telling me about it. And interest would hit and it would get bigger and then interest would hit and get bigger and it just snowballed out of control. How long did this last?

Um, it started in 2016. I first found out about it in 2020. Um, he told me that he had it under control. He had gotten a line of credit. He was working to pay it off. It was going to be gone within 18 months, not to worry about it. The next year in 2021, we tried to buy some land. And through that process, I found out that he did

not have it under control and he was continuing to rack up more debt. I'm calling bull crap on the business expense. There's something else going on here. Like I would ask for an itemized list report of the things that were purchased on those, on those, on those balance sheets, whether it's the line of credit purchases or on the credit card statements.

$60,000. Because otherwise there'd be assets that you could see, like a truck or a tractor or a bunch of tools. Right. So what he would say is he would move it over to a zero interest credit card. Then he wouldn't get paid off in time. And then all the back interest would hit.

I know, but you're talking $60,000. Yeah. There's something else at play. Is he seeing somebody? Well, not that I'm aware of at that time. But now? So, okay. He's seeing somebody now well about six months ago i found out that he was having

well he claims an emotional affair he said nothing physical happened with a co-worker here's why here's why you can't trust because you know in your guts you're not getting the full story don't you yes you know it you've known're not getting the full story. Don't you? Yes. You know it. You've known this dude for more than a decade, right? Yeah. And you know you're not getting the full story.

How long? 20 years. You know you're not getting the full story. Why haven't you demanded the full story? You haven't because you're scared. Why? Well, I tried. I honestly, like, when I found out about this goal, I...

Hold on. Talk directly into your phone for me. Oh, sorry. Can you hear me? Yeah. When I found out about this goal, I tried to demand the whole story and like really begged for it. And I feel like I just maybe got the full story of about a month ago. Maybe.

I don't know. At this point, I don't know what to believe anymore, which is why I'm calling you. So, he's not on the phone to defend himself. And so I can throw grenades at him all day long. I don't like to be that guy. I don't think he's telling you the truth. And I think there's something else.

Usually when somebody racks up this kind of debt, it's one of two things. And it does happen in construction. So I want to give that. There's usually significant assets. There's big purchases that were made. Like I'm starting a construction company or a lawn company there in Houston. I got to get the biggest dually truck, whatever, and the nicest mowers, but there's stuff, right? Stuff that we can go sell or that it's hard to hide because it's sitting right here, right? There's that, or there's somebody buying hotel rooms and purses and small trips for other people on a credit card.

And that happens and you don't get caught. And then it happens again and you don't get caught. And then it happens again. And suddenly you're running some business-y debt-ish, sort of-ish, and you're running some personal life stuff, and we're going to the baseball game, and we're doing some stuff, and I'm going to be out late, or I can't come home this weekend, or we're going to this thing over the weekend,

the job's got crazy, so I'm just getting a hotel, and I'll be here tonight. And those things happen year after year after year, and all of a sudden, somebody goes to get a loan for a small thing, and it's huge. I hope, beyond all hope hope I'm wrong on that. Okay. I hope I'm wrong.

But something tells me, you know, you haven't got the full story on that money. And something tells me you haven't trusted him for a long, long time. So the only person I can, I can say anything to is you because you're on the phone. And so I'm going to ask you like a super direct question.

What do you need to see with your own eyes so that you can exhale? Because you haven't exhaled in months and months and months, if not years. Is it text messages? Is it bank statements? What do you need to see? Yeah. I mean, honestly, I've been more upset about this relationship with this other woman than I ever did about the finances.

Why? Why? I don't know. I guess because I found the Ramsey plan. There was a plan to fix it. There was a path there was a, there was a plan to fix it. There was a path, you know, but he was never up and up about the dishonesty.

I'm sorry. He was never up and up about the dishonesty. Yeah. Like, okay. So you've got the money thing. You've got the emotional affair with the coworker and that's not right. It happens all the time, right? So,

I mean, it's a, I would, it's not a deal breaker in a relationship. It's not a, it's not a marriage deal breaker. It's not a dating deal breaker. Those things happen. We sit down, we work through them and we figured them out. Okay. So I'm not minimizing that at all, but also you would not be calling me and saying, is thing over how do i come back from this if it was just that if it was just a few months he was close to somebody at work they shared a few laughs they got they exchanged texts they probably shouldn't exchange started hiding stuff um like that wouldn't lead to this so there's something else going on. What else do you feel he's not honest with you about fully? Well, I mean, a few weeks ago, or I guess about a month ago, we came to

Austin for the Austin Art Conference and he's been doing a bunch of side work to help pay off all this debt. And so he's been working a lot in a single woman's home. And so I got insecure and was asking questions about their relationship and, you know, is she attractive and those kinds of things. And then not two days later, I find deleted text messages between them where he had taken my insecurities and shared them with her. Hmm. That sucks. Was it in a mocking way? Can I make a fun of you a little bit or,

or we're getting caught? It was, well, I mean, according to him, I mean, all, all I saw was like her text message that said, um,

something along the lines of like, you know, thinking about your wife's question. I would never, you're an honest family man. I would never, you know, interrupt your precious family. And so apparently he told her that like when we were in Austin, she came up and I started asking if she was pretty. And, you know, according to him, he just wanted to make sure that the professional lines were there, which is BS, but that's the story. You know that's not true. Yes, I do. Okay. But that's all I'm able to get out of him. So are you just going to settle?

I don't know. I don't want to. I mean, we have two children. To add on to this, like, I have a chronic disease that, like, I don't think we really dealt with. And so there's just a lot of layers.

Yeah. Did he ever agree to go to marriage counseling with you? We have our second session on Thursday. Okay. What was the first session like? Just introductory? Yeah. Okay. Here's what I would do if I was you. I'm just trying to fast forward myself and like pick myself up and put myself in your shoes. And I'm with somebody that I built a

life with. I'm with somebody that I love. They've been at this point, how old are you? 37. Okay. You've known him longer than you haven't known him, right? Yeah. Like he's one of your arms and one of your legs at this point. And so it's hard to face the truth about that. But here we are. And I would write down, I would spend a couple of days writing down, where are the things, if I go back over the last five or 10 or 15 years, where are the things that something came up and my first thought was, that's not right.

But I just blew it off. I just passed it over. I didn't dig in any further. I want you to write those things down. And here's the key. He opened the door with his financial infidelity. And I'm using that word intentionally. He was deceitful.

He cheated on you with money and it impacts you because your name is on all the things. And it impacted your refi. It impacted this dream of owning land that you had. And then he told you he had another plan. He was working on it. And you come to find out he not only lied about having a plan, he dug the hole deeper. And then he had an emotional affair with somebody at work, and then you went with your intuition, you trusted that gut, that voice in your gut, and you called him out on somebody at work, some woman's house he's working in, and he clearly had some sort of secondary conversation with her

that seemed strange and off book, and he wanted to make sure you didn't see it. And those are just the few you've told me about in these five minutes. And I want you to write those things down. And when you sit down with a therapist, I want you to say, I can't go forward in this marriage until I get some truthful answers. And I don't feel like you've been telling me the truth for a long, long time. Because you and him can come up with all the new conversation strategies and communication strategies and all this stuff. But you don't feel like the ground underneath you is solid, right? Right.

I can hear it in your voice. You think you're crazy. You're not crazy. You're not crazy. You're not crazy. You've been moved around and shuffled and kind of pushed to the side. You've kind of been treated like you're dumb for a long time. She's too dumb. And I don't think you're dumb.

Is that fair yeah and here man i will say this i'll i'll preach this to quiet he can call me i'd love to have him on the show and if i'm wrong about every step of the way if he just found himself in a scary deep shameful hole when it came to money and he just kept digging and the hole kept getting bigger i've sat with those guys and that happens that's true and he hated who he'd become he was ashamed of himself and then he found somebody at work that laughed at his jokes and suddenly he's sharing stuff and confiding in somebody else it's not his wife because his wife is a callback to how that happens that those two things happen they happen with some regularity and i'm not going to beat somebody up for those moments but we got to take some radical action to change them.

But what you're telling me is something that sounds different. Fair? Yes. Why are there tears coming? Because, I mean, that's exactly how I feel. I mean, I feel like he just thinks that I'm stupid and that he can just keep you know

getting away with things but then also I know that like when I got diving nose there was like a big shift in our relationship you know why he thinks that he can get away with things shift in our relationship. You know why he thinks that? He can get away with things? Why does he think that, Lynn?

Because he did for so long, I guess. I don't know. Yeah, because he can. Because he can. And he'll just delete the messages. and when you find the deleted messages he'll call you crazy and you're nuts and then you're exhausted

you got two kids and the thought of anything disruptive at this point it's just too much and so yes I'm just crazy I'm just going to go into the next day and first it was the refi

and then it was the trip to and then it was the trip to Austin and then it was the hey let's buy some land and it's just going to keep coming up and coming up and coming up and at some point someone's got to turn their lights on turn off the music and say the dance is over I need to know the truth we got to be adults

we got to talk we got to be honest let's just get this all out of here so if I'm you thankfully he agreed to go to marriage counseling We got to be adults. We got to talk. We got to be honest. Let's just get this all out of here. So if I'm you, thankfully he agreed to go to marriage counseling. Hopefully it's not just a perfunctory deal to get you off his back. Hopefully he's actually interested in healing this marriage. I would say those, that's the things you've just told me. Here's the things that over the course of our marriage,

feel like you're not telling me the truth. And you've made me feel crazy for throwing a flag on them. I've got to know the truth. And it may be that I want to see all the financial records. I want to see every expenditure. All of them. And it may be I want to get every single text message you've sent and all the emails and all of the WhatsApp and all the signal. I want to get all the signal I wanted to get, all the conversation. And also, when I got diagnosed,

she started treating me differently, and I feel less than. Let's get to the bottom of it. Let me just say this. I don't think you're crazy, Lynn. I think you've ignored that voice in your chest for so long. And now she's screaming at you. We're not safe.

We're not safe. We're not safe. We're not safe. Maybe for the first time in a long time, let's listen to that voice. Let me know how the trip to the conversation with the counselor goes, and I'll walk with you every step of the way. Thanks for your call. Thanks for being brave. We'll be right back. Hey, what's up? Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious or burned out or chronically stressed at some point. In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious

Life, you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life. Get your copy today at johndeloney.com. All right, as we wrap up today's show, listen, here's like the meta theme of today's show. Trust yourself. Something feels show trust yourself something feels

sideways if something feels off you're probably not crazy and if you've had some seasons in the past when you trusted yourself and you kind of threw a fit about things and you were off um call a trusted friend and just pretend you're talking to me and just rattle some things off in a row they may look at you and say, have you heard what you've said? And they may be right. Most of you aren't as dumb as people treat you. All right, as we wrap up today's show, listen, this is my call. Mark Slaughter, you live in my neighborhood.

You live here in Tennessee, in Asheville. Franklin, come be on my show, man. You're one of my heroes. Please. I will make sure Kelly is at arm's distance from you at all times. I'll sit behind the glass. I'm good. I'll sit here on the other side of the glass.

Please come be on our show. I loved your band growing up. You're one of my faves. And now you're one of my neighbors. So let's do this. Let's do this, Mark Slaughter. All right, the song. One of the greatest songs ever written.

Ever. It's from the great band Slaughter. And the song is called Flight of the Angels. And it goes like this. Pictures of you. Ah, they're still on my mind. You had this smile that could light up the world. Now when it rains, it seems the sun never shines.

And I drive down this lonely, lonely road. I got this feeling, girl, that I gotta let you go. Because now you've gotta fly high. Fly to the angels. Heaven awaits your heart and flowers bloom in your name. You know how often I use that line, Mark? Oh, that's incredible. Flowers bloom in your name. Come on, man. That's just fantastic. You got to fly to the angels and all the stars in the night shine in your name. Oh my gosh! They don't write poetry like that anymore,

ladies and gentlemen. Hey, we'll see you soon. Stay in school. Don't do drugs.