The Dr. John Delony Show - I Feel Betrayed by God

Episode Date: July 20, 2022

Today, we’re talking with a man deeply grieving because he lost his young wife to cancer, a mom realizing how messed up youth sports can be, and a man wondering how to get his fiancée to participate in hard conversations. Lyrics of the Day: "In Dreams" - Roy Orbison Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show.  Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp DreamCloud Churchill Mortgage Resources: Own Your Past, Change Your Future Questions for Humans Conversation Cards Redefining Anxiety Quick Read John’s Free Guided Meditation Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. I found the love of my life in Germany. This past March, she went to the hospital. She never made it out of the hospital. I ended up having to take her off the ventilator. On April the 7th, she was only 32 years old. It's literally the only thing I've ever asked God not to do to me. And it's happened.

Hey, what's up, what's up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show, talking about mental health, relationships, whatever's going on in your life, most everything going on in your life, not everything, but most of it, we're here to walk alongside you. If you want to be on this show, give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291. That's 1-844-693-3291. Or go to johndeloney.com slash ask. I'm so glad that you're listening to the show and sharing it with your friends and family.

The calls and the notes and cards and letters, I'm just so grateful. So thank you so, so much. All right, let's go directly to the phones. Let's go to Elijah in Austin. Hey, what's up, Elijah? How we doing? I don't even know how to really phrase this question.

I guess I'll lead with the most shocking part of it. I feel betrayed by God, and I'm very angry at him right now, and I need to figure out how to get past this. Man, number one, I don't even know where we're headed here, but thank you for being brave out of the gate, man. What are you betrayed and angry about, my man? Okay. Retired army.

I've been to Iraq, Afghanistan, Kosovo, Germany, tons of places. So I've been to hell and I've accepted it and in my prayers, the only thing I ever asked God for was to not put me and my marriage, what my mom went through, which my dad died the love of my life in Germany. We got married and in 2013, um, a week after we got married, we found out she was pregnant. Um, two weeks after we got married, we found out that she had stage three inflammatory breast cancer. So, so we went through the whole pregnancy with cancer. We got through it. She never expected to live very long.

Her mission in life was to give birth to our youngest son. And she told me, you know, when I pass away, it's your job to take care of him. I'm just going to get him here. So that was kind of the plan. And then we were blessed and things continued on for eight years with her being, you know, little flashes of cancer, but mentally in remission. And this past March, she went to the hospital. She had a small tumor. She was supposed to get some routine surgeries, and they were going to, you know, they had a whole treatment plan and everything.

And she never made it out of the hospital. I ended up having to take her off the ventilator on April the 7th, four days after my birthday. She was only 32 years old. And it's literally the only thing I've ever asked God not to do to me. And it's happened. And now I'm here, you know, almost three months later with four kids in the house. We started building our dream house back in November. I closed on that on Thursday, so in two days. And it all feels wrong because this whole dream

was for her and she's not here to enjoy it. And I'm just trying to figure out how to navigate through that. If you were sitting with me right now, I'd give you a hug and I would hold the hug past the time when it was awkward to when you could feel my body telling your body that I love you and I'm sorry.

What's happened to you should happen to nobody. I'm sorry, man. Thank you. How old are your little ones? 17, 14, 13 next week, and 8. Oh, man. The first three are from a previous relationship, but she was definitely the mom of all these kids.

Sure. Well, and that means three of them have experienced loss twice now, huh? Yes. Okay. So, man, I'll give you all the time you need. Where do you want to start? We can start with nuts and bolts. What comes next?

We can start with God. We can start with you. We can start with parenting. Where do you want to start, man? You tell me. Wherever you want to take me, I'm willing to go. I'm completely lost. Yeah.

Let's start with God. So, the best I can, in my study, for those listening, I'm a person of faith. Okay. Probably not a traditional person of faith.

I tend to make everybody uncomfortable wherever I go. But the best I can dig into it is you got about four options. Okay, Elijah, that God's not real. None of this is real. That God's absent. He's a clockmaker. He spun the thing up and then walked away from it. Just, it's going to be what it's going to be. The third option is God caused this for some grand reason. Um, and he could only do his grand reason with a trail of devastation and heartbreak, and loss. Or the fourth is that God can't or God doesn't cause this type of, God doesn't cause cancer. He doesn't let cancer happen. And that in fact, when cancer happens and cancer takes everything, that God's with you in the smoke and the ash. And unfortunately, there's church systems built around all these different pictures.

Fortunately, you get to pick. And what I would tell you as someone who's seen it all, you've been all over the world. As you said, you've been to hell. I had a very clear understanding because I read a lot. And then I started sitting with people who had died. I started cleaning brains off of walls. I started helping move bodies.

And then my picture shifted dramatically. Okay? And so at this point in my life, again feel free to leave mean comments internet people i don't believe in the phrase things just happen for a reason i do believe that reasons and meaning can be made from pain i do believe that so all that to tell you is, if you believe in God, he can handle your anger. He can handle your rage. Feel free to feel betrayed. Feel free to be heartbroken. All of those feelings are right and good. And I would even say they're holy. Okay. If not for a second, remember, if you're a Christian that Jesus got down on his face in the garden the night before

and said, can we do this another way? Right? Yeah. So feel free to be upset and heartbroken and mad. The next step is people around you are going to say the dumbest, stupidest things because we have no capacity for being uncomfortable. And so when somebody else gets cancer, when somebody else gets sick, when somebody else loses a loved one, we get uncomfortable. We don't know what to do

with that. And so we wrap those things up in stupid little sayings that we knit on pillows or put in greeting cards. Like God needed another angel or it was just her time or you'll find love against it. People say stupid things like that that are painful and hurtful. And what I would tell you is let that go like a vapor. Okay? Don't hang on to that. let that go like a vapor. Okay? Okay. Don't hang on to that. It's people trying to love you and love themselves

in the only uneducated, unskilled way that they know how. And it's exhausting and frustrating. Just let that go like cotton candy. Okay? Okay. However you reconcile God's participation in this is,

I mean, you can find scripture to back up whatever you want to think about it, quite honestly. And so it really comes down to what helps you get to the next day and to the next day and to the next day and where do you find peace? And I'll tell you, peace is going to be a long time coming for you.

Okay? Okay. Do you remember back in basic, way back then, do you remember basic training? Yes. How long was yours, six weeks? Nine weeks plus another six weeks, and I was lucky enough to join like two months before 9-11, so it was back. So you remember on week one of that six weeks,

you knew there was an end date to this thing. Yes. And when we have an end date, we can do anything. But you also remember when the drill instructor would say, you're going to run until I get tired watching you? Yes. It was hell, right? Because you didn't know how long we were running.

What you need to understand is you've entered a space that there's not a termination, there's not an end date on when the hurt stops. And so as a person who seeks control in situations, which is what you're going to want to do, I'm going to tell you to start opening your hands up. And probably, I'm just guessing that because you're a military guy,

I may, correct me if I'm wrong, your tendency is to walk into a situation, especially one of chaos, and find control ASAP. Yeah. And that's the opposite thing that you need to do here. You need to fight that impulse with everything you got. Okay.

You're going to feel underwater. You're going to feel like you're going through the motions. You're not going to be able to breathe. You're not going to be able to taste. And then occasionally you're going to smile and you're going to laugh. Or you're going to see a really beautiful woman at work, and then you're going to be overcome with shame and guilt and frustration and anger, and that's just going to start to loop.

Am I on to something? Yes. Okay. Very much so. You're allowed to laugh. And you're allowed to wake up for that one moment when you forget that she's gone and think, that was a hell of a night of sleep. And you're allowed to see somebody who's beautiful and think, man, she's beautiful.

That's not a betrayal of your wife. Okay? Okay. This is your body learning how to do basic things again, and it's going to have to relearn. All right. So I threw a lot at you there. I'm going to stop. Tell me what you're thinking, what you're feeling.

Well, I'm writing everything down because... Because you're a military guy? Yeah. Good guy? Yeah. Good call. Yeah. And, um, yeah, this is stuff I wanted to look at and study. And everything is just kind of true. Everything, I mean, it's been almost three months.

So I've gone through all of this and I've kind of just taken it day by day. And I'm looking at the new house as an opportunity to get away from all of the people saying stupid things where no one really knows me. So, yeah, this is all. Here's a frustrating thing about other people. Kind of like if you were dropped,

if you got dropped in the ocean and you were there for six days and you were rescued, what's the first thing you would need is water. The thing that almost killed you is the first thing you need. It's a different kind of water. You need fresh water, but you need water. And so isolating yourself from people is going to be helpful, sort of, but the only way through grief like this,

of this magnitude, because this is a shapeshifter, right? The only way through grief of this magnitude is with other people. And so I get the impulse to hide. I've got some, I've never experienced grief like you're going through. I cannot put my head in your seat right now, looking at my two little kids and the thought of my wife not being here. I can get choked up real fast thinking about it because I have gone all in to the point that I don't understand how I would take a next step.

What I know is you just do. And when I can't take another step, that's when my friends and community are there. Okay? So I'm going to rattle some things off for you right now. And you don't have to write these down. In fact, I'll type these up and I'll send them to you. How about that? I'll email it to you. Perfect. And that way you can just listen. If you don't already, you've got to get some men in your life

ASAP, okay? Okay. Right away. The second part of that immediately is you've got to get very clear and brave about speaking your needs out loud. I need someone to help do my yard because I can't get out of bed today. I need someone to help with my wife's closet because every time I go in there and see her

clothes, I can't breathe. Okay? That's probably not your style. It's probably not your jam is to tell people you need help with stuff. You're the guy that people call when they need help. Yes. And it's time for you to do the brave, hard thing, and that's ask for help. I need a group of people to commit to making me food for the next 30 days because I can't, when I get home from whatever I'm doing during the day and I see my eight-year-old, I can't move.

Because my eight-year- old looks just like my wife. Okay. And you should be very specific about those. The third thing is, and I'm just throwing this out there. Okay. People are going to be mean to me on the internets. I don't care. Um, as hard as it, I don't go run out and get remarried. Okay. No, that's definitely not the plan. Okay. A, that's definitely not the plan. Okay.

A lot of the, the data on people who run out and within 90 to 120 days are remarried is astounding. And I get it. There's this idea that I'm just going to fix this pain right now. I hurt so bad. Um, I'm so lonely.

I'm so, I feel like my, I'm a part of my lungs are gone because they are right. You're going to have to do things on your own. That means you're gonna have to get a group of guys that you go fishing with once a week, that you get together and do chips and queso with, that you go grab a drink with,

that you go hang out with. The tendency is to lock down and make your life about those four kids and that any minute you're not with them is somehow abandoning them too on top of your wife's passing. And that's not accurate. You've got to stay whole and well.

They can't feel like it's their responsibility to make sure dad's okay. It's not their job, okay? And kids are super perceptive and they're super loving and they will take that role on and it's really tempting to drop our shoulders and let them run the house. That's too much weight for a 17 or a 15-year-old or a 14-year-old or an 8-year-old to carry.

They need their daddy. Okay. Which means dad needs to go exercise, dad needs to eat right, dad needs to have guys he goes and does stuff with, whether that's going to the gym, shooting hoops, whether that's getting together once a week and grandma comes over, whatever that looks like. Okay. Okay. How are you financially? You say you're buying a house.

This sounds like a big old mess. I'm great financially. I'm retired. My income is over six figures being retired, so I'm good. Okay. Was there life insurance policy on your wife? Yeah, for six figures as well. So that's just kind of sitting in money market.

Okay. Do you feel comfortable moving into this new house? Yes. Okay. The rule of thumb that my, the guy who trained me, he was actually a counselor and then he became my supervisor. The guy who trained me said no major decisions for six months to a year. So if you can breathe inside that home, that was quote unquote y'all's home, move in and just sit for a bit. Okay. Let the smoke clear and let the ash clear of the explosion that just happened

and then you can assess the situation. It's taking a step back, right? It's back to your old military training. Yeah. We're going to step back

and re, like, take a new inventory of the landscape there. That one's hard. Okay. And then over that course of six months to a year,

man, that's when you start to reimagine your life. I had this plan and now I got a new one. Am I going to live here? Am I going to move? Am I going to get a new job? Am I going to go to med school? Like, what am I going to do? And culminating in that end of that is that one scary, terrifying question, which is, what are we going to do now? Right? This is not the time for bravery. I can do it all myself. This is time for sitting down and dropping your rucksack on the ground

and weeping and saying, why me? Okay. Okay? This is saying those magic words to your kids, I don't know. Okay. Okay?

Where are we at now? There's a little bit of clarification. What should I look out for with the kids, with their mom, their mother figure being gone? Is there something specifically that I should do?

I mean, I've gotten us into church since she passed. And I got her buried two miles from the new house, which is why I'm going there, so we can grieve that. Did they go to the, did you have a funeral? Yes. Did kids go? Yes.

Okay. An important thing is to say her name. An important thing is to acknowledge her. An important thing is when those kids come in and one of them just randomly starts crying and can't they're just you'll be cutting a sandwich in the kitchen and we'll drop the knife and you'll think they chopped their finger off and they fall to the floor weeping that you don't go say get up quit wh, that you go sit on the floor with them and hold them. Okay. Okay?

Think of this as a raging river that just broke the dam. Trying to rebuild the dam while that thing is running is of no use. The best thing to do is to let that water run. Right? Yeah. That system's got to equalize itself. And for your eight-year-old,

it may, for all the kids, it's going to take, it may equalize over a lifetime. Okay? I'm going to save the watch out for this isn't this. Let's get six months down the road

and I want to talk with you. I want you and I to catch back up. Okay? Okay. Instead of looking for what's wrong, I want you to double down on connection. Even if you said something like,

I want a daily hug with all of you, 20 seconds a day, 30 seconds a day. And if you're not a hugger, it's time to get weird, man. Okay? Okay. And say, I want morning hugs and nighttime hugs. And if your older ones are like,

Dad, I'm not hugging you. Your kids are like, I don't want to hug you. They don't have to. Don't force them. But say, I need hugs.

I want hugs. I want to give hugs. And like I said, there's that moment when you hug somebody and then they hug you back and then they relax and then they get tense again

and if you can hold a hug through that, then their whole body goes limp. And that's what we're looking for. True connection. Okay. So, um, I threw a ton at you all. Um, we'll type up some notes and send them to you and then we'll clip this call and get it sent to you right away. Okay? Okay. It'll be rough and uncut, but we'll get it to you right away. I'm also going to send you a copy of my new book. In no way, shape, form, or fashion is it going to solve your, I mean, you're just in the throes of deep, deep grief, and you need to be there for a while.

Okay? Okay. But it will give you some tools on how to navigate. It's basically like a raft and some rowing instructions for when you're in that river. It can get you out of the river, but it can tell you how to navigate a little bit. Okay. Great. Thank you all.

Appreciate it. And know that I'll walk alongside you every step of the way. Okay. Call me anytime. Email me anytime. Reach out on Instagram anytime. know that I'll walk alongside you every step of the way. Okay? Call me anytime, email me anytime, reach out on Instagram anytime, and I'll make myself available as I can to you, man. Thank you for giving everything. You gave everything.

And your wife sounds like she was a powerful, strong, extraordinary woman, and I'm sorry this happened. And for people who are listening, if you disagree with my theology, that's fine. You can come meet at my house. You're still welcome over. And Elijah, if you end up being, you know, I disagree with you, great, man.

I'm interested in you finding peace. It's been my experience that God shows up in the ashes. So I feel a little bit less alone or a lot less alone. And often when the smoke clears, I've stopped asking the question, where's God? And I start asking the question, where's God's people? And so I hope your church will rally around you too. I love you, man. And thank you for being brave and thanks for calling.

We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. October is the season for wearing costumes. And if you haven't started planning your costume, seriously, get on it. I'm pretty sure I'm going to go as Brad Pitt because we have the same upper body, but whatever. Look, it's costume season. And if we're being honest, a lot of us hide our true selves behind masks and costumes more often than we want to. We do this at work. We do this in social settings. We do this around our own families. We even do this with ourselves. I have been there multiple times in my life and it's the worst. If you feel like you're stuck

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slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp. H-E-L-P dot com slash Deloney. Alright, we are back. Man, this has been a heavy one. Let's go out to Leslie in Arlington. What's up, Leslie?

Hey, Dr. John. How are you? Good. It's been a heck of a show so far. How are you? I'm good. I think I took that deep breath just as you did. Wow. Yeah, man. So how can I help? What's up? Well, I am calling to get a little

bit of advice from you on navigating the crazy world of youth sports. Recently, I had my first experience. Exactly. Yeah, yeah. I basically had my, I was blown off my face whenever I had this experience and then started talking to all the different parents that are navigating this journey as I am. Recently, I had my eight-year-old try out for a baseball team. Nothing crazy, you know. And he did well. He does well with sports. You know, we have him in all kinds of sports.

Nothing, you know, nothing crazy. Just wrestling stuff. He's eight. He's a little eight year old boy. And, um, so we ended up trying it out for this team and I ended up getting this long email back from the coach. Um, and he was telling me how talented my son was and how, you know, he did really, really well. And then it started taking a different kind of turn. And as I'm reading through it, I'm like, wait a second. The coach is talking about how there's this challenge with uniforms and there's this travel team that he's part of. And that they have decided at the end that because they wouldn't be able to get the uniforms back in time, um, for the

tournament that he had, you know, had tried out for to get this team to play in, um, the, the coach said, well, we'll have to go with all of the travel team players that already have the uniforms. And I'm like, what, what, what is this? Um, I read a couple of times. I'm like, wow. So, you know, we really are selecting, you know, you know, these young kids based off of uniforms, you know, versus talent. And it really, it just took me a few steps back. Like, wow, wow, wow, wow. These are eight-year-olds. And I really had kind of, I talked to a bunch of parents and I'm like, is this, is this normal? Is this like a one-off thing? You know, did I just have a really bad experience?

And I was blown away by the feedback because it seems like everybody that has children that are interested in sports are kind of navigating the same path where you either, you know, play in one type of rec league or you invest thousands of dollars into travel, whatever travel team you want to put that kid in. And it kind of locks them in for only playing that sport because the requirements are so intense. And I'm in the medical field. So I have a bit of a background on like, you know, development and everything like that. And I'm like, what are we doing to our kids? Like, why are we all standing by and not like waving our hands and saying enough is enough. This is insane. Yes. And so I made a decision, you know, cause I'm like, okay, I feel crappy either way, whether I respond back to this coach or not. So I decided, you know what, I just, I feel like I need to say something. So I wrote back and just said, you know, I'm really challenged with understanding the philosophy behind your decision-making because they're eight-year-old

kids, you know, whoever's the best. Tell me my kid isn't good enough. That's fine. That's a great lesson to teach him. You know, you got to work hard for the things that you want, you know, and what ended up happening, I wrote it, sent it. I got an even longer email back, really, you know, him discussing with me in depth, how challenging this decision is about uniforms. I mean, it went on and on and on. And he was upset that I would question his ethics with coaching. Leslie, Leslie, Leslie, Leslie, do you want this man having influence over your child? Oh, absolutely not. No. And that's the thing. It's like walk away. Yeah. I mean,

walk away. Absolutely. Walk away. Totally will. But it kind of brought me up to the point of, you know, I'm one of many people that are out there that are in a situation where our kids, you know, they're eight. We're going to be walking this path for quite some time. And I knew we, you know, everybody's going to at some point, of course. But at eight, it really took me back. Like, these are just little guys. And really looking at your advice on how to really more so communicate this to your kids. You know, you want to be truthful, but you don't want to give them too much information. You know, whatever is appropriate.

You know, and, you know, life's not fair, and that's a lesson to teach them for sure. But what are your thoughts on how we get through this? Yeah, so I got a lot of thoughts on this. My thoughts were originally informed by, you know, I worked at colleges forever and I would always, I was an athlete and so I would always end up

hanging out with the athletes and hanging out with not so much athletes as much as coaches were my friends and the trainers were my friends. And it started about a decade ago when my training friends, friends who were trainers,

college athletic trainers, were telling me that they were starting to see young people come through with joint use injuries seen in the elderly from over-specialization and year-round sporting practices and a lack of unstructured play in multiple sports. And then that just, so that was just a thing in my head. Like, what do you mean? It's like,

oh, the kids don't play baseball and then they all play soccer and they all play basketball. And then they get to middle school and they play football too. And then they run track. No, at age six, they play baseball and then they get a hitting coach and a pitching coach and they play football too and then they run track no at age six they play baseball and then they get a hitting coach and a pitching coach and they make the select team and it plays in fall and then in spring and there's a summer league and you're already specializing as a shortstop at age seven right yeah and so that was number one that was the madness call number one what are we doing why and then um number two was the insane rise in childhood anxiety and depression and then i started seeing the rise in adult anxiety and depression and then as i dug into the literature on the kids i realized the kids

are simply responding to their environments and the environments are created by the adults. And then I had my own son and he's a great athlete. He's a phenomenal athlete. And to him, he's just kind of a go with the flow guy. He's really good. And it, I remember my first game that I went to. The coach we had, the first coach was phenomenal. He was a magnificent human being.

But I remember the first game, and I remember thinking, I have to decide now if I'm going to get in a fist fight or not. Because I'm not going to let that dad talk to those kids that way. As a dad on the other team. And I knew if I go say something to that hothead, I'm going to end up in a physical altercation. And I was having to make that decision. And it was a field of six-year-olds or five-year-olds or whatever it was.

And so you said it best. It's the parent's fault, full stop, that we've allowed this to get this way. It's abusive. And I use that word intentionally. And I had somebody email me and say, I overuse that word. I don't. We're torturing our children by forcing them to live vicariously through our either achieved or failed athletic adventures. And somehow parents have come to put our self-esteem, like there's some sort of checklist that if our kids makes good grades and they're good at sports, that that's somehow a performance scorecard for us as parents, right? And so we've created this world. And so I go loop back to, to answer your

question, I loop back to, how do you tell your kids? You could, I don't think it's developmentally appropriate. You could tell your kid, well, you just found out. You may not get the job, not because you weren't the most talented, but because somebody knew somebody. That's just the way that works. Or because they had a nicer suit on in the interview. That is how the world works, by the way, and that could very much happen. I don't know that an eight-year-old is going to get anything other than bitter and anxious about that. So I don't know that I would tell them that. What I would say is this. I have preached to my kids since they were little. I've got one job on the planet. And I can say it right now to both of them. What's my one job? And my son rolls his eyes and he's like, to keep me safe.

And my daughter won't even say it anymore. She just looks at the ground because she's just annoyed by it. And that phrase, my job is to keep you safe, includes intellectually, psychologically, spiritually, and physically. And so when my kids say, hey, why won't you give us a smartphone? We're nine and everyone else in the classroom has a smartphone at nine. I'll say, what's my one job? To keep you safe. And when I tell my son, hey, we're not playing in this league, which I've done. I'm not going to do this league. Not because I don't want to drive you around, not because I can't afford it, but it's because I don't want you thinking that the end result here is in any way shaping you in a positive direction because it's not. I do think playing sports is really important.

And one of the rules is our kids have to do a thing. They have to play something. Whether it's jujitsu, whether it's soccer, whether it's rec baseball, whether my son's a track and cross-country guru. He's really good at that. You've got to do something. You've got to do something physical and and you got to do something as part of a team. That's, that's important. I think the evidence would bear that out. I am intentionally opting out of any sort of pre-professional training until my kid is a junior or senior in high school. Then we will start having hard conversations about what's next. Until then, it is play first.

And when they ask, why can't I be on this? And why can't I do that? My job is to keep you safe. And I don't want you around the mess. The toxic, nonsensical, idiotic parents. I'm not going to use that language, by the way. That was between me and you. That was between me and you.

No, no. Check, check, check. You nailed it. But I think telling my eight-year 8 year old you didn't make the team they had a bunch of different criteria that wasn't just about who's the better baseball player well what do you mean they had all kinds of things about uniforms and

other things and I'm opting for you to not play in that league we're gonna go play baseball here or this summer we're taking the summer off yeah and that's ultimately you know sorry for the long rambling you know no it's good you're absolutely right it is it's like yeah we're not going to do that we're going to a different one because that i would you know you're not going

to be influencing my child the most precious gift um but it you're absolutely right it's absolutely bananas to see how even for me like how kids' identity is being tied to their performance, whether it's in school or in court. But they're getting that from us. Yeah, absolutely. Yes, and I don't want my kid, you know what I want my eight-year-old to do? Have fun. Yeah. I want him to learn, hey, if you strike out, it costs your team. I think it's a good lesson. I don't have any problem with that. I think it's great. I want him to know, hey, if you stay up till 2 a.m. at a sleepover party and have nothing but donuts and M&Ms and you strike out four times the next day, I want him to begin to connect, right?

Your behavior yesterday impacted your whole team today. That's a good lesson. Yeah. But I want him to have fun. Yeah. I want my kid to play. He's got the rest of his life to have the world tell him that he sucks at everything and he's not good enough. It reminds me of this.

And I may have mentioned this on the show. Back in the early UFC days in the Valley Tudor days, way back in the day, my favorite fighters in the world came out of a gym out of Brazil. And it was Vandale Silva and Shogun Hua and all these guys.

They were incredible. But here's how they trained. They just got in fist fights every day and they knocked each other unconscious. That was how they trained. And now you fast forward 30 years later. And they did that because if you can get through our practices,

like a fight with another professional, it will be nothing. It will be nothing. Until they started showing up several years later with brain injuries and repeated knee and elbow and hand injuries and hip injuries. And what they've now realized is they save heavy, hard sparring for rare times and everybody's padded up to the max because we're only going to go full tilt when we're getting paid for it in a ring.

And so I tell you this, I hear the argument, my kid needs to toughen up and he needs to learn. The world will be glad to beat your kid up. You doing that when he's 8, 9, 10, 11, 14 is nonsense. Let your kid run around in the street with a stick and a ball in some mud. Let your kid go to the pool. Let your kid, and save the street with a stick and a ball in some mud. Let your kid go to the pool. Let your kid, and save the gas money, by the way. Gas is expensive right now. I would love, dude, I would love to see just parents rise up across the country. It would

take one Facebook post. All travel sports are canceled this summer. We're not doing it. We're not going to pay $900 to prop up a bunch of adult egos. We're not. And by the way, I've got no trouble with travel ball. Little League World Series is great. I think this stuff's good. And when the coaches are great,

the coaches are phenomenal. And we've had some remarkable coaches. Remarkable. Coach David, amazing guy. Coach Charlie, those guys were so great. And we've got some other ones that just can't get it.

Parents and whatever, man. All I'd say, let your kids play. Keep them safe. Psychologically, emotionally, spiritually, physically, best you can. You gotta let them hurt. You gotta let them fall down. That's not what I mean. keep them safe psychologically emotionally spiritually physically best you can

you gotta let them hurt you gotta let them fall down that's not what I mean I don't mean I don't mean bubble wrap them and don't let them have any scars that's not that's not right

they gotta take their lumps but they can't prop up our fragile adult egos Leslie your kid's lucky to have you. Get him out of that nonsense and let him go play. He's only eight. We'll be right back.

It seems like everybody's talking about how crazy the housing market is right now and how powerless homebuyers feel. Mix that with the stress of moving and life change and job change, and you've got a tornado of anxiety fueling one of the biggest purchases you'll ever make. This is not a good idea.

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churchillemortgage.com slash D'Loni and get the home buyer edge today. All right, let's take one more. Let's just make this a five-hour show. Let's take one more and go to James in Bend, Oregon. It sounds like a yoga pose gone wrong. What's up, dude? Hey, how you doing? We're rocking and rolling, man. How are you? Pretty good.

I am wondering what I can do to help my fiance dream about the future more, talk with me kind of about what her dreams are. Tell me more. So, um, you know, uh, we've been obviously dating for quite a few years and we're going to be getting married in about a year.

And so, you know, I like to talk with her about kind of what our future plans are. And, uh, I'm a kind of guy who I've known what I've wanted to do since I was a little kid. And, you know, I'm in that kind of career path now, and she doesn't really know what she wants to do. And so she's having a real hard time

kind of figuring out what that is. And when I try to talk with her about it, she says it kind of makes her anxious and she doesn't want to talk about it. And I'm kind of just wanting to know what I can do to help her because I don't really get anxious like that about stuff. So I don't really understand why it's hard for her. So the short of it is you can't. She's got to choose to do that. So the only conversation I can have here is with you. And so, I want to shift the focus

from her to you. Is that cool? Yeah. So, my first question to you would be, have you created a safe relational context

for her to dream about something? So, I'm imagining, and I'm just going to start throwing stuff up against the wall and you tell me if it sticks, okay?

Okay. You've known what you've wanted since you were little. And maybe you started I'm imagining and I'm just gonna start throwing stuff up against the wall and you tell me if it sticks, okay? Okay. You've known what you've wanted since you were little. And maybe you started dating her and you were very clear about your destination and your dreams and where you wanted to go. And then she fell in love with you and she liked your drive and she liked where you wanted to go. And you've known where you want to go. And so you went to college to go where you want to go. Like, you see what I'm saying? And now when you look at her and say, well, what do you want to go. And so you went to college to go where you want to go. Like, you see what I'm saying?

And now when you look at her and say, well, what do you want? However long y'all have dated, it's been very clear that what we are going to do is what he wants to do. Okay. So my question, and again, that may not be the case at all. What I'm asking is,

have you created a relational context, a relational environment where she feels safe saying, I don't like this and you're not going to fly off the handle, roll your eyes, get mad, be a jerk. You'd be like, oh great, awesome. Yeah, I mean I feel like I have and we don't

really fight. We always have fun and happy and I've told her I'm completely supportive of whatever you want to do. She's, she's had like a couple ideas, but you know, where it was like a school after her four-year degree and, you know, completely different area of the country than I would want to live. And I told her, you know, I'm cool with that. Like we can do it. I'm excited if it's, you know, if it's what you want to do, if it's what you're really passionate about, but then none of it, you know, she kind of gets into a little bit and it doesn't,

it's not really something that she really feels super passionate about. So then she kind of doesn't want to do that. And then, so she doesn't, I've tried to, you know, like I said, I've tried to be as supportive as I can. And cause I totally am cool with doing, you know, kind of whatever it is. Cause with my kind of career path, I can kind of go anywhere. Okay, cool. All right. So, so that, so you're not a jerk. That's what I was, I was circling up. So that's not you. Okay. You're an open guy. You're super cool to talk to. So here's the second piece. If in the next six months she doesn't open up to you,

she continues to just be quiet and just kind of do life the way she wants to do life and let you lead the way, are you thinking about breaking up with her? No. So you're into this thing? Yeah. Okay. Here's where that's important. I always want to find out where somebody's values are, okay?

Versus this would be cool if, I would really like it if. A value is I have to, like I need a partner who will spar with me intellectually, who will fight for what they want and I'll fight for what I want and together we'll build something magical, right? If that's something you have to have and if you're not going to have it, you're going to end up getting bored in your marriage and you're going to end up seeking that connection somewhere else, then go ahead and break up, okay? The other side of it is if you say no that's just who she is

I just wish she would be more open then I think you approach that conversation with I'm really interested in you and I building something together and right now I'm the only person putting blueprints down on the table and I feel like you're 50% of this and I'm missing your half of my heart. And over the next X number, for whatever reason, I feel comfortable talking about that's cool.

She may have been rejected a lot as a kid. She may have been told that her ideas and opinions don't matter and she's stupid. Who knows what her childhood looks like? You would know that way more than I would. All that to say is what you're going to have to do over time is teach her that her voice matters. Okay. Teach her that her opinion has weight and that you, not only you'll just do it, but that you value it. And that she's got wisdom to share in your house, right? And the whole

idea is we're creating something together. It's less, what do you want to do? And who do we want to become together? Okay. See what I'm saying? Now, that sounds super cheesy. Like, okay. Really

it's as simple as, hey, I went through Instagram or Pinterest and I have five houses that I think are awesome. This week on our date, before our date, I want you to pick five of your favorite houses. Imaginary houses that if we had $10 million we could live in. And I wanted to learn more about why you think these are beautiful houses. Okay. Okay. There's no pressure there. Right. Or what's celebrity is the most like man and woman, what's the most attractive celebrity and why? Like you're taking it off. Like, how would you like me to do my hair? Well, suddenly there's a ton of pressure around that. If I say the wrong thing, I don't want to hurt his feelings. One time I said the wrong thing to my dad and he got mad and hit me.

Who knows? But when it's like, oh, I like the way Brad Pitt does his hair. Or he clearly is better in the gym than you are, John. Whatever that thing is. It takes the pressure off and you're able to learn about somebody. Okay? Okay. So I'm going to send you all of them. I don't know? Okay. I'm going to send you

all of them. I don't know why not. I'm going to send you all of them. We'll go through. I don't even know which ones we got in-house. I'm going to send you the questions for humans cards, for dating, and the questions for humans cards for couples, the ones for friends. Here's what I want you to do.

You can take those cards and all those cards help you do is practice safe conversations, like healthy interactions with other people. Okay. You know what I'm saying? And so y'all can go to dinner and then the card asks you, what's the best date you ever been on that's not me? And suddenly it's like, I don't want to talk about that.

It's like, no, I want to hear. What was it? It was with Tom. I hate Tom. And now you're in a conversation, right? Or would you rather burp or fart or vomit on a first date? Right? Which one? Why? Right? And now you're having conversations about why you think this versus that. And I don't want to be judged. I don't want to be shamed. And this one would be really embarrassing. And I couldn't come back from this one. So now we're having deeper conversations. And what we're doing is we're creating a safe context. So that when she says, I really want this color curtains,

or you know what? I really want to go to med school. She's got, there's relational equity in the bank, safety. That sidewalk of your relationship, the foundation of a relationship is strong. And it's concrete and she can stand on it. And she knows it. See what I'm saying? Yeah. And so I think it's, I think it's practice. And if you're not going to leave her, um, and there's not this nagging thing, like I got to solve this or the marriage is off, then I think that takes the pressure off

of you. And now it's about creating a safe context for her. Okay. i do think it's fair to say um to let her know my goal with you is to help create a world where you feel safe enough to trust me with your thoughts and hopes and dreams and she will probably respond with it's not you you do make me feel safe um and I think the next step is to say I hope that over time you will come to love and trust yourself the way I love and trust you and if I can ever support you

in that journey in learning to love yourself and trust yourself as much as I love you and trust you whether that's counseling whether that's marriage counseling whether that's a book study together whatever that looks like i'm all in okay you see what i'm saying it takes

all the pressure off of do we have to do this we have to do that or we have to it takes all that pressure off which i think is and it may be she's got a lot of trauma to unpack. It may be who knows. It may be who knows what's there. But come what may, she's going to know James is going to be right there with me. He's going to be right here. And that, my friend, is beautiful. It's awesome. She's lucky to have you, dude. That's cool.

And good luck. Send me a wedding photo. Send it our way. And we'll post it on the Internet. We probably won't do that. It's cool, though. I'll just say it. I don't know. I'll post it on the internet. We probably won't do that. It's cool, though. I'll just say it. I don't know. I'll post it on the internet. Send it to me. I'll post it. That'd be great. Hey, what's up? Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious or burned out or chronically stressed at some point. In my new

book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life. Get your copy today at johndeloney.com. All right, so we wrap up. I didn't know that Roy Orbison had any other songs other than Pretty Woman, so look at me learning things today. I'm just kidding. I know he's got other songs. I didn't know what they were.

But this one, Kelly's fifth favorite song. She has this one tattooed on her arm. It's kind of weird. The song's called In Dreams, and it goes like this. A candy-colored clown they call the Sandman. Start off well, Kelly. Tiptoes to my room every night. Whoa.

Just to sprinkle stardust and to whisper, go to sleep, everything is all right. And I close my eyes, then I drift away into a magic night. I softly say a silent prayer like dreamers do, then I fall asleep to dream my dreams of you. It sounds like a commercial for MDMA. In dreams, I walk with you. In dreams, I talk to you. In dreams, you're mine. All of the time we're together in dreams. In dreams. Ladies and gentlemen,

in dreams, we're together too. We're actually together in real life. I'll see you soon. Coming up on the next episode. A few months ago, I discovered that he was liking other girls' pictures on social media that were inappropriate. What does inappropriate mean? The teenies and showing off their goods. Showing off the goods.

He can do whatever he wants to. He has no right, none, zero, to stomp on your values. How do I, a loving father of five amazing daughters, handle my hatred and rage towards this evil person? I can't imagine somebody experiencing what you're experiencing and have experienced

and not feeling the exact same way. When I'm by myself and just kind of alone to my thoughts, I just, I fantasize about hurting this person. Like, I want to see this person's world just burn. And I want to see his family watch it burn in front of him. Yep. Because that's what he did to you.