The Dr. John Delony Show - I Feel Betrayed by My Husband Going To Strip Clubs

Episode Date: May 23, 2022

Today, we’re talking with a woman coping with her son’s new identity as a woman, a wife who’s uncomfortable with her husband going to a strip club, and a husband navigating life decisions after his wife’s terminal cancer diagnosis. Lyrics of the Day: "Fire & Rain" - James Taylor Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show.  Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp DreamCloud Churchill Mortgage Resources: Own Your Past, Change Your Future Questions for Humans Conversation Cards Redefining Anxiety Quick Read John’s Free Guided Meditation Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. Our 26-year-old son told us last summer that he's been taking female hormones for two years. He said that he wants us to call him Rachel. How do we open a line of communication with him and build our relationship? So Juan, thank you for your trust. This one's, this one's hard. What up, what up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney show. Hope you're doing well. Hope your family's well. Hope life's treating you okay. Man, you can hear my voice about four octaves deeper. Could be puberty or could be spring allergy season in Nashville.

It's a toss-up. Hope you are doing super well, though. And we got a long show ahead of us today. So let's get right to it. Let's go to Leslie in Richmond, Virginia. What's up, Leslie? Thank you so much, John. I understand there's allergies. We've got those here too.

Everybody's got it. I'm hoping that's what it is. It makes me sound, I don't know, cooler, more wise, like I'm tough. I don't know. I haven't imagined. Listen to you. Absolutely. Thank you for giving me that, Leslie.

Hey, so what's up? How can I help? Well, first of all, thank you so much for your program. I started listening several months ago and I started from the first episode. I've made it to January, 2021. So I have learned so much and thank you so much. Hey, so I haven't done that. In fact, I've listened to a grand total of none of these shows. Is it getting better? That might be for the best. Is it getting better? It is. Oh, remarkably, remarkably.

I have noticed so much. I mean, it started out great, and it has just done nothing but improve all the way around. It was pretty wobbly. It was not great. I mean, I used to watch James went home. He was on a lot. He was just taking tums by the, I mean, it was tough. And Kelly was drinking a lot. I mean, not drinking a lot.

She wasn't drinking a lot. She wasn't. She wasn't. I told her She wasn't. She wasn't. I told her I wouldn't make that joke anymore. A lot of coffee. A lot of coffee. And creatine and other positive supplements, protein shakes, things like that.

But anyway, thank you so much. I appreciate that. All right. So how can I help you? I've got a lot going on in my life right now. I'm in my mid-50s and had some issues with both of my grown sons. But the thing that I'm calling about today is our 26-year-old son told us last summer that he's been taking female hormones for two years. He said that he wants us to call him Rachel.

Okay. two years. He said that he wants us to call him Rachel. And then about a month later, he moved to Houston to live with his partner, who is also a trans woman. About once a week, I text them just to make sure he's okay, and he texts back. But other than a call at Christmas, we haven't spoken. My husband and I have made plans to visit him in late June. We told him that we have no agenda, but that we love him and we miss him. Okay. My question is, how do we deal... Excuse me.

Take your time. Take your time. Yeah. How do we deal with the name pronoun issue? If calling him Rachel and using feminine pronouns compromises our values, then how do we open a line of communication with him and build our relationship? This is, yeah. So one, thank you for your trust. This one's hard.

It is. So let me back out a little bit. Tell me why over the last year or so, or let me ask you before that, was this a total shock to you, a surprise to you? How old did you say he was? 26. 26. 26, okay. Okay, so he had moved out to go to college, and that didn't go well. But he was living with a roommate. What does not go well mean? He didn't do well in college. Academically, socially?

Academically, academically mainly. Okay. But it's because I'm not really sure what the issue is there because he's super smart. He could tell you just about any line in the Narnia series. I mean, he's just super, super smart. But Justin didn't do well. So having worked with college students for the vast majority of my career, I ran into that a lot, and that suggests there were other things going on in his life or in her life.

Definitely. I don't doubt that at all. Okay. So as far as going back to whether it was a shock to us, being a trans woman was a shock to us. We suspected there were things going on, and and I suspected even though he'd had a girlfriend for six years when he broke up with her, I really strongly started suspecting that he was having, you know, I don't know, just, you know, I just figured there was something going on, but I didn't know that it was the trans woman. I had no clue. So that hit us out of the blue.

So I don't want to gloss over. Did you think, I've got inklings that my son's gay? Right, yeah. Okay, all right. His roommate seemed gay, but they didn't seem to be in a relationship. I mean, he called me from two hours away to come get him when he had kidney stones instead of asking his roommate to take him to the hospital. So I didn't really see them in a relationship, but I could tell that he was very feminine. Yeah. Well, I, well, I, so I've got a number of gay friends that I'm not in a relationship with. So just, just,

just being in proximity doesn't mean anything. Right. And that's how I saw it at the time. Yeah. Here's why I'm asking. I've had this conversation. I can't count the number of parents I've sat down and had this conversation with. And it's not rare. It's rather common, not always, but rather common what you just said i felt that my son was or daughter was struggling was having some identity like questioning who they were and what they were um and we're a lot so there's there's a lot of layers to this and so i'm going to walk through it backwards forwards okay and we'll i'll get to your to to your final question here, but I want to address you and your husband along

the way here. Right. Thank you. The guilt and the, regardless of what the outcome is, whether it's an outcome that you have an agreement with, alignment with, value with, whatever. I've never yet, that's not true. I've met a couple and they're, whatever. I've never yet, that's not true, I've met a couple and they're jerks. I've never met parents or rarely met parents who don't feel guilt along the way that I can't believe my kid was wrestling with something so heavy and I wasn't there to walk alongside them. And it's that, it's a parents bang their head against the wall and they feel deep shame and often the actions that come next come out of that shame

and I should have been there and I can't believe my kid was hurting like that all alone and fill in the blank and whether you agree with the pronouns or you agree with that or not, everybody can agree that kids that are wrestling with gender identity, am I a man?

Am I a woman? Who am I going to be? Who am I going to love? That they are really going through a hard, hard time. There's elevated suicide risk. There's elevated mental health challenges. It's a devastating time. And so as a parent, gosh, I wish I'd been there, right?

So it's important for you to own that. And it's going to be real important when you re-engage with your child, okay? Okay. That you come to the table with, here's what I'm feeling. And we should have been there for you. And I'm sorry, right? There's that sense of whether you should have or shouldn't have been. He also or she also was an adult and could have had to come back, had a responsibility to talk to you.

It is what it is. I think it's important to be open with how you feel. So then they moved to Houston, and they've got a relationship. Why have you just texted? What has taken you so long to engage? Right. Well, we text about once a week because I just need to know that he's okay.

But why haven't you gotten on a plane and come and looked your child in the eye and said, I love you? Right. Well, my job makes it so it's easier for me to go when I have a break. So it'll be easier for me to go now, but I don't know why. I have no answer for why I didn't go earlier.

I've been wrestling with so many things, but I don't think that we've ever, well, I can honestly say we've never had good communication in our home with any of us. We're not good at communicating. We're great communicators, but not together. And that's what I have seen when I've evaluated the past. And that's what I'm trying to fix with both of my children. So I'm going to be pretty direct with you is that okay? that's okay

I don't care about your job and I don't care about how easy your job it's easier on a break or whatever right exactly your child came to you and said mom I'm hurting and you've spent the last six months texting and said, Mom, I'm hurting.

And you've spent the last six months texting. And so that's one of those moments. It's not to change the outcome, not to, there's not an ROI on this. Right. There is a, you're my baby. Right. And I know you're hurting.

And I know you've been sitting on stuff. Well, he did come right after we found out. He came and spent a week with us. Okay. Before he moved to Texas. And how did that week go? It was like normal. He didn't seem feminine. And it was so normal.

And we had kind of normal interactions. We fell into our same routine. I had one talk with him that was, um, that, that was very, a very good talk with him. That was positive, mostly positive, 90% positive with him during that week. But because we just don't have good communication with each other, it was difficult. Hey, listen, listen. You were the parent. Right. Good communication starts with you. Right.

And so it's not this amorphous thing that we just don't have, like money. Like we just don't have money. Right, yeah. Good communication is a choice. Okay, so I haven't learned how to have a good conversation with my children. Okay, here's where that starts and ends with, I love you. And I'm so glad you're my child. Full stop, period, at the end of that sentence.

And then we're just going to hug for a while. That's where it starts. There's not a sophisticated entry. There's not a, it doesn't need to have like a, like a bunch of check boxes. It starts with, I love you and you're my kid. I can do that. And there will come seasons when they'll look at you and say, why now? What happened at 14 and what happened at 18? And there's going to be some guilt there and there's gonna be some shame there's gonna be some frustration there and what you'll have to do is own what happened it is and you'll have to look at your kids and say i was the adult and i didn't have good communication and i'm sorry

and what i can only thing i can do now is get better moving forward that's i mean that's your choice. Or the other choice is just to continue to walk around and go, we just don't have good communication in our house. We just don't have it. Yeah. No, I don't, I don't, I don't want to do that. So jump in with both feet. Okay. Okay. And don't, let me say it this way. Don't overcomplicate it. Okay. Don't overcomplicate it. Um, that's good for me to hear because I do that. Yeah. Don't. And let you, here's where you are now. Now you're at a place where you need to be super, super, super honest. I put my job before this relationship or waited for things to get convenient. And quite honestly, I was scared because I didn't know how to do it.

And I'm sorry. Yeah. That's it. That nails it. And so listen, they have felt that for 26 years, your kids. Right.

Right. They felt the gap. They felt that's more important or this is more important or the not feeling uncomfortable. Having a conversation with us was more important than having a conversation with us. They felt that gap and they've spent their entire lives trying to bridge that gap or figure it out

or just completely disconnect from it. And so it took a close friend of mine sitting down with me, and this is probably 15 or 20 years ago, and walked me through how heavy a coming out narrative is. Right. The phone call was probably weeks or months, if not years in the making. And it was really hard to do. Right.

I get that. Right. So, so it was like the back end of that is I'm getting on a plane or I'm putting you on a plane. Right. And early on, he shared some reading material with me and I read through everything. That's fine.

That's fine. So, okay. So let's get to the, let's get to the, okay. But see, here's the thing.

You don't need more data right now. You need relationship. Right, exactly. You don't need more info. There's not a thing he's going to tell you and you're going to go, oh, okay, right? And vice versa. There's not an argument you're going to give him and he's going to be like, you know what? I didn't know that.

That's not the way this is going to play out right now. Exactly. Okay? He needs his mom. Right. Or she needs her mom. Like whatever pronoun y'all decide to use. So let's go there. Here's the deal.

Your child has put a boundary down and said, this is me right now and this is me moving forward. You have your values. And what you have to decide is my relationship with my child more or less important than a previously established value. That's the conversation to have. What you can't do is say,

we want to have a relationship with you on our terms. Because he is, or she has told you what their terms are. And that's the hard part you find yourself in. Well, part of the struggle has been this whole feeling like, I don't know this person. He wants to be called Rachel.

I don't know this person, Rachel. Rachel, you know, it feels like he killed, like Rachel killed my son. Yeah. So. And here's the other side of this conversation that never gets brought up. feels like Rachel killed my son. Yeah. And here's the other side of this conversation that never gets brought up. You're allowed to feel that way. Right. And you're allowed to feel sad.

And you're allowed to have had plans and pictures of grandkids in your head and what Thanksgivings are going to look like in years. And now that picture is very, very different. You're allowed to grieve that too. And that's left out of the conversation. You're allowed to do whatever you want to do because you're an adult.

Right. The fewer secrets, the better for everybody. Right. And you're right. You don't know your child. You don't. And it's probably been that way for a long long time you had a an image of your child that you thought you knew him right and i would say even if he wasn't uh or she wasn't choosing to change their gender um you still wouldn't know your child you would have a you know

your Rachel could still be Dan and have a wife and five kids and you would not know your child and maybe that's the entry point I love you and I don't know you

and I want to get to know you because I love you and I don't know you and I want to get to know you because I love you. Okay. And you will have to decide and every family's got to make these choices and I'm not going to let you, I'm not going to give you a pass and give it, do it for you. You've got to choose are we going to have a relationship with our child or not? Right. And if we are, then my child has established some boundaries and some expectations and we have to decide whether we're going to meet those or not. And let's take the transgender thing,

because that's a third real issue. Let's take that and move it away. This happened with, if you're going to come to my house, you have to wear a mask to be around my kids. Or you can't wear a mask to be around my kids. Or you can't wear a mask in my home. I don't want my kids seeing that kind of stuff.

Or you have to be vaccinated. Or you can't drink. Or you can't come the day before Christmas because we're going somewhere else. Children put down boundaries and then parents have to say, these are our values. Are we going to expand, shift, change, modulate out of, or double down on our previous values?

Or are we going to double down on our relationship? I hear you. Does that make sense? Yeah, it makes sense. It makes a lot of sense. How much of this is about your child? How much of this is about being caught off guard? And how much of this is about, how am I going to tell my friends and my faith community and my whatever? Because a lot of times I hear it's about embarrassment. Right. Well, initially there was some of that, but I have some experience in a counseling field. And so I'm very open with people. I am more so than my husband is. I would go and tell everybody just because this might help you. That's how I am. I'll tell you my experience because it might help you. And my husband is, nobody needs to know our business. Okay. That's fair. My house is very similar to that. So to simplify everything,

your child has said, this is where I'm at, and do you love me? And you have an answer. You have a choice to make. Right. And it may be that your answer is different than your husband's answer. It may be that y'all's answer is together. It may be your answer is we are going to double down on relationship first and engage in a series of conversations over the next few years,

but the conversations aren't debates or discussions or whatever. The debates or the conversations are, I just want to get to know you. Right, and that's what I want. Yeah, so that's where I'd start. That's a humble control alt delete place to start. Right. And it's hard. Something I've been wondering as I've been listening through your program and you talk about, I don't know if you're still talking about it, but in the part that I've listened, you've talked a lot about having like a formal funeral or something like that.

So I've wondered if I should, if that would be helpful. I thought about it a little bit. If you're there, I mean, if that's where this ultimately ends up, I think it's always good to have a moment. A funeral of the dream? Yeah, I wouldn't have a funeral of your child. Yeah, because your child is still fully alive.

Right. But I mean, of that dream that I had of the person I thought he was going to be. It's important to acknowledge. I had this picture in my head, not that he or she created, but that you created. And you put expectations into the world that your child was going to fulfill, that they are under no obligation to fulfill.

And every parent on planet Earth does this, by the way, you're not the only one. Oh yeah. You know what I mean? Oh, yeah. And so something as little in my home is I just always played baseball, and my dad always played baseball, and my son was awesome at baseball. And then he came to us over the holidays and said, hey, would it be cool if I didn't play baseball? And instead I did theater. I did theater too.

I did it in college. I loved it. And I just had a picture of my kid playing baseball all the way through. And so I didn't have a big funeral. I didn't have a bit, but I had to stop and go, yeah, of course you can, man. And I was really proud of him for having the conversation with us and coming to us with it. And communication is a big deal in our house. And so I'm so proud of him for doing that because I know it was hard for him. And I had to go, eh, I can't add pictures. I don't know even where they came from.

I just had pictures of us going to high school baseball games, and we're not going to do that. And so, yeah, it's important to hold that. I wouldn't have a funeral for your child. Right. I mean, I guess I've thought of that because it has felt so much. It feels like a death. Right. But I know it's a death of a dream that I have. It's grief. Yes. It's grief. It is grief. And you're allowed to grieve. And

anybody that tells you otherwise is not being honest with you. You're allowed to say, I hoped or had pictures of this and something else is happening. You can also grieve how much pain your kid's been in for a long time. Because whether you believe in the outcome, and that's a whole other conversation, if you believe in transgender this, that's a whole other conversation. Everybody can agree your kid's been hurting for a long time.

Sounds like both your sons have been hurting for a long time. And given your honesty about how you struggle with communication and how work comes first and then when it's convenient, we'll fix it. It's time you start and say, I'm sorry. And I'm ready to do this thing from the floor up. And I'm going to grieve what we lost together. I'm going to grieve that I wasn't there for you when you were hurting. And now I'm going to do the best I can to walk alongside you, whatever that looks like. Or you can choose now. You can choose, hey, if this is what you need, as the person you're choosing to become, your dad and I are opting out. That's your choice.

People ask me my opinion on stuff, and I tell them what I would do. And I'll tell you, I'm going to choose relationship with my kids every time. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by Better Help. October is the season for wearing costumes. And if you haven't started planning your costume, seriously, get on it. I'm pretty sure I'm going to go as Brad Pitt because we have the same upper body, but whatever. Look, it's costume season. And if we're being honest, a lot of us hide our true selves behind masks and costumes more often than we want to. We do this at work. We do this in social settings. We do this around our own families. We even do this with ourselves. I have been there multiple times in my life and it's the worst. If you feel like you're

stuck hiding your true self behind costumes and masks, I want you to consider talking with a therapist. Therapy is a place where you can learn to accept all the parts of yourself, where you can be honest with yourself, and where you can take off the mask and the costumes and learn to live an honest, authentic life. Costumes and masks should be for Halloween parties, not for our emotions and our true selves.

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for no additional cost. Take off the costumes and take off the masks with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P.com slash Deloney. All right, we're back. Let's go to Sarah in Indianapolis. What's up, Sarah? Hi, Dr. John. This is so wild to talk to you. It's more wild to talk to you, I promise. How are you? Oh, I'm doing good.

Doing good? Yeah, how about you? It's exact same. Doing pretty good. Okay. So what's up? How can I help? Well, I feel like a silly goose after that last caller.

That was heavy, man. Hey, man. Yeah, there is no comparison. I mean, caller. That was heavy, man. Hey, man. Yeah, there is no comparison. I mean, there's no, like, comparing heaviness, man. Everybody's heavy is heavy to them, so that's awesome. So what's up? Hey, I guarantee you what you're about to drop is big, so go for it. No, it's really, it's silly.

Okay. So, all right. My husband has friends from college that are having a bachelor party at the end of this year. And I'm 1,000% sure there's going to be strippers involved. That's a strong degree of certainty there. I'm 1,000%. That's awesome. They're good. That's awesome. That's their guy. You know, that's just like what they're into. My husband has made it clear to me in the past that that's like not his jam, but like,

you know, those friends and whatever. And the reason why it's like a bigger deal this time is because like right before we got married, like he's made our whole relationship. He's like, yeah, I went in college, but you know, like I don't like it. Like I just, you know, I I like to be with my buddies and stuff and then you know about a week before we got married he had somebody else's boobs in his face

so he did this for his bachelor party well okay his buddies you know took him but yeah so anyway poor guy just got forced right into it, huh? Right? Oh, it's so sad Wow, man, I'm really sorry

Well, the thing is, I like to think of myself as a cool chick I like dirty naughty fun, I'm all about it, a good time It was just a weird betrayal Because he told me he wasn't gonna, and then he did So hold on, hold on Whatever It's not a weird betrayal It's a regular old spit in your face betrayal that's what it felt like that's what it was yeah and if it hadn't been you know the week before our wedding and everything

was set in stone i probably wouldn't have married him but But I'm glad I did. I love him. We've been good since then. You know, we fought it out. We, you know, we have a son. Like, everything's good now. But now it's like, I'm like, oh, God, what do I do? It's not good now. It's not. Oh, no.

Oh, no. Don't tell me that. Well, I mean, nothing has changed. You have a, you have a boundary and you have said, this violates what my understanding of covenant is. Okay? And this is important to me.

And he has said, I don't know where I'm at with it, though. It's like the thing, like I don't, cause there, I have like three sides that I like ping pong around.

All right, let's play ping pong. It's like, okay, we're solid. I'm cool. Like, this is fine. Like go out and have fun. I know it doesn't mean anything. Like it's, she doesn't care. That's her job. Like she doesn't care about you. And then I'm like, well, you know, screw him. If he wants to do that, then I don't want to be with him anyway. And then I go to the other side where it's just like, I don't know. I don't know. That's cheating. Even though you pay for it. That's cheating.

Like, I like ping pong between these three different feelings. And it's like, I just don't. I'm scared that if he goes, I'm going to resent him. And then I'm scared if he doesn't go, he's going to resent me. Because I don't want to give him roles. Ew. Like, I'm not his mom., and then I'm scared if he doesn't go, he's going to resent me. Because I don't want to give him roles. Ew. Like, I'm not his mom. You know what I mean?

Oh, sweet Sarah. Oh, man. You're, like, the best in every category. You're just the best. Okay? Wow, thanks. So, there's so much here. Jeez Louise.

You do have thoughts and feelings on this. And I don't want them. I know. You don't want them. And here's what I think. I think the thought of some other woman shoving her breast in your husband's face makes you sick? Yeah, because it's our thing, man. I do that.

Okay, there you go. That's your job. And it makes you sick. And then layered on top of that is, well, I want to be cool. And I want him to keep loving me. And on top of that is, but it makes me sick, and so on top of that, it's like, well, I mean,

it doesn't mean anything, whatever. So let's take, this is totally me, okay? This is less about a strip club. This is more about, I have. This is more about I have values and I have boundaries. And your values are important and your boundaries matter. And the first time your husband spit on him and then just walked right through. And so he banged up against your boundaries and they didn't hold.

And you, not him, you are the one who's had to deal with picking those bricks back up and putting the wall back up, the boundaries back up. And now it's coming again. And so this is less about is this cheating or is this not? Am I the cool wife? I've got friends whose wives don't care. And I've got friends whose wives like couldn't breathe when they caught their husband with a bra ad out of a Sunday paper, right? So everybody's got different values. Yeah.

It is asinine, completely asinine to say that going to a strip club is not extramarital sexual encounter. Full stop. Now, where like me and my wife disagree on the conversation is I think cheating is about secrets. And like, I think you can cheat by going to get coffee with somebody. Like, so I think cheating is about secrets. She is, her definition of cheating is different than mine. Hers is about sexual encounters. Here's where that, here's why I want to stay away from that.

It doesn't matter. I don't want you to get into a semantics conversation with your husband about, is this cheating or is it not cheating? Am I cool or not cool? That's not the, that's not the issue here. The issue is your boundaries matter. Well, see, I don't think it's about boo. No, no, no. It's not. It's about I want this.

And he's saying no. I don't think I care. I really don't. Because like I said, I like to have dirty naughty fun. You do care. Sarah, you care. Well, I think I care because it's like he pretends to be somebody who doesn't like that. And if you like that, then just be honest with me and be like, yeah, we're going to a strip club.

It's going to be a good time. But, you know, I'm coming home. You know what I mean? Does that make sense? Yes, your husband's not telling you the truth. That's what it feels like. It's like, just be who you are. It's not what it feels like.

It's what it is. Then why does he do that? Because you're not being honest with yourself. You're not super cool with this. You don't think so? No But I want to be Great

You know what? I want $20 million I want it so bad You're on the right track, man Your book sold out Yeah, dude Yeah It sold a bunch

So I'm I think I'm approximately $19,980,000 away from my goal. So here's the deal. You just... What do I do with this, man? You have to own the fact that you feel devalued. So then do I give him a rule? Do I tell him not to go?

Because that feels yucky. What feels more yucky? Your husband lying to you? Or your husband saying, I don't really care how you feel? These are my bros, dude. I think he would listen to me if I told him that. But I don't... Why are you so

afraid to tell him what you think, what you find value in? I don't know. I just have this image of myself and I want to not be... I want to not care. What don't want to not care. You know what I mean? Like I want you to, and it's okay trying to force yourself to not get, okay, here's a sideways example. And if this example goes off the rails, cause it just came to me, then they're

going to edit it out and this will never exist. Okay. Um, in, when I was the Dean of students at a law school, one of the things we would do is I gave everybody a questionnaire. I think it was out of Southern Illinois. It was a questionnaire just on behavior practices. How much sex are you having? How much do you drink? How much weed do you smoke? When's the last time you did cocaine? Right? Questions like that. And the purpose of this was just social norming. Just so you could find out really about your classmates. And then what I would do is I'd get up and read the data. And here's what was wild. They would ask people their questions about themselves, and then they would ask the questions about what they

thought their classmates were doing. And there was always a significant gap between how much people actually drank, how drunk they were all the time, and how much people thought they were drinking. Because people thought people were drunk 95% of the time, and they were really drinking 60% of the time. And one of the most damning statistics, and I'd get up and I'd read it to the class because I was like, hey, here's what y'all think, but here's what truth is. If you don't want to drink and you think, well, 90% of the people are, then you're going to find yourself in a situation

that you don't like. You're going to compromise your own values because you want to belong. And the desire to belong is so strong, so strong. The one that used to break my heart was the number of, and this was particularly among the female cohort of students, the number of people who had to consume two to three alcoholic drinks to feel sexy, to engage in sexual behavior. And every year I got up in front of the class, the whole crew and said, if you have to consume substances to tampen down your own value system, don't. It's there for a reason. And you have a set of values that mean something to you. One of them is honesty.

One of them is fidelity. One of them is you want to be the only person being all up on your husband. One of them is do you value me more than your stupid college friends? Right? You've got these values. Wow. And you're doing everything you can to squash them in the name of cool chick. Yeah.

And hear me say your values matter. So what do I tell him? What do I do, John? What you feel and what you know to be true. This isn't an argument about cheating. If it's cheating for you Then that's the word you use And I'll honor that

It's deceptive and sly And I don't feel comfortable with this Period And here's my promise to you This isn't the only thing Right? Yeah Sucks for you I've been doing this a long time right? Yeah.

Sucks for you. I've been doing this a long time. There's a bunch of stuff in your home that you're not super down with, that you do everything you can, whether it's to smoke a little, to drink a little bit more, to wear something a little, whatever it is,

you find ways to squash how you really feel about a thing to try to live up to some fantasy, some myth, mythical character you've created that you think your husband wants. It's not even that I think he wants that. I don't know. It's just like me, I guess. Yeah. I'm always the life of the party. I'm always the loudest. I'm always the whatever.

I always want to have sex all the time. That's my thing. Well, there's a difference between wanting to have sex all the time and being the life of the party. One of those is awesome. One of those is awesome. One of those is exhausting. Yeah. Fair?

Which one's weird? I mean, wanting to have sex all the time with your husband is pretty awesome. Yeah. Wanting to always, it's a defense mechanism being the life of the party. It's a way that you can wave your wand over here and go, hey, everybody look over here so that you don't really see what's going on.

And I'm talking as a former life of the party. Now I'm a total drag on the party. You know why? Because I don't care. How do you get there? That was a lot of therapy for that it's a lot yeah there's a lot of therapy yeah honestly here's where it is it started with me looking in the mirror and being honest about what I felt about stuff I had to start telling the truth to myself and I just start telling the truth to my wife and I start telling the truth to my close friends. So what do I do?

Here's the honest to God truth. I want to be very careful how I say this. I don't want to bring people into this unnecessarily. I've been in a lot of weddings in my life and I've skipped a number of bachelor parties

And those people are still the closest friends I have on the planet And i'll still trust them with my kids if i'm in the hospital I would trust them with my wife If I got deployed overseas I love them and I trust them And also I didn't participate in their bachelor party If I got deployed overseas, I love them and I trust them. And also, I didn't participate in their bachelor party. Right.

And it's not a matter of judgment. It's a matter of me. I chose not to. Right. And so it's not an either or. I also go to bed at midnight when everybody's hanging out. I'm lame. My company, we're going to do an event in Vegas.

And I'm like, dude, how can I get out of this so I can go to bed at 11? Not get out of the event, but when the event's over at 10, I bet I can be in bed by 1045. I'm just not cool. I'm just not. And my friends that are really my friends, they still love me anyway. And they make fun of me. But it doesn't compromise my marriage. And it doesn't compromise my personal values right and it doesn't make me not love them any less and it doesn't make them love me any less right so you've created you've painted yourself into a

corner where if i do this then he's gonna you don't know that the only way forward is you're gonna start telling the truth with yourself and start telling the truth with your values with him. And that's hard because my guess is you have not done that in a long time. And that doesn't compromise you being a fun, rambunctious, sexy wife. It doesn't compromise that at all. In fact, it provides infinitely more freedom there. Because right now you're trying to be reckless and fun and you're shackled to a story.

You want to have reckless and fun adventures in your bedroom. Go completely unshackled. This thing, this, my analogy is really getting ugly here. It's getting pretty, pretty sideways, pretty fast. That's not what I meant. You know what I meant, Sarah? But listen, the fewer, the fewer values you have to tamp down, the more energy you have to expend having excitement, enjoying fun. I hate that you're in this situation, but how do you have the conversation?

You sit down and have the conversation, say, this is how I feel. And you're worth that. You're worth your values. We'll be right back. It seems like everybody's talking about how crazy the housing market is right now and how powerless homebuyers feel. Mix that with the stress of moving and life change and job change, and you've got a tornado of anxiety fueling one

of the biggest purchases you'll ever make. This is not a good idea. So if you're a new home buyer right now, my advice to you is to focus on what you can control, like the people you choose to help you in the home buying process. You need folks like my friends at Churchill Mortgage. Churchill is a Ramsey trusted provider that's been helping people with their home mortgages for decades. And their home buyer edge program will help you skip a bunch of the stress. Here's how it works. Apply to become a Churchill certified home buyer and cap your interest rate for 90 days. Then you'll get a $5,000 seller guarantee to help your offer stand out. So go ahead, take a deep breath because Churchill has your back. Check them out at churchillmortgage.com

slash Deloney and get the home buyer edge today. All right, we are back. Why not? Let's take one. Let's just take one more. Let's go to Charlottesville and talk to James. What's up, James? Dr. John, it's great to talk to you. Hey, it's great to talk to you. It's awesome. What's up, Brother James? Dr. John, it's great to talk to you. Hey, it's great to talk to you. It's awesome. What's up, dude? So I'm going to try to get through this. I'm in quite a predicament. All right.

My wife, unfortunately, was diagnosed with stage four cancer. Oh, what kind? Yeah, colon cancer. Oh, gosh. Yes, and it is absolutely on the rise. What kind? Yeah. Colon cancer. Oh, gosh. Yes. And it is absolutely on the rise. So for those who are listening out there, please, please, please get checked. Yeah.

Now, my wife, when I tell you, she was the absolute epitome of health. Yeah. She was a long distance runner. She was winning marathon, half marathon races. And just out of the blue, she gets hit with stage four colon cancer. What's the timeline? Uh, well, they said possibly two years. Um, they don't know right now. It, it, it depends. Uh, we still have a couple of scans we need to get through to give us a little bit more of, um, of the direction.

But currently she's on chemo and we're also trying some, um, some natural supplements. Did she have surgery? She did. She had surgery. Um, and it,

it worked for a little while we thought, but, um, unfortunately it came back. I'm so sorry, man. Thank you, sir. That is a car wreck, punch in the gut, man.

It is. It is. And we've got great support. We've got two young boys who are 10 and 12. But my question for you today is, I work for, honestly, it's a fantastic company. They treat me very, very well. The benefits are fantastic. And my pay is really good.

The only problem is, Dr. John, I'm just not into my work anymore. And I don't know if it's because of my wife and the situation she's going through, but I've kind of felt like this a little bit before she was even diagnosed. That this just is not me. And I'm at a point now where I literally could just walk out, but I can't. Now, I have the opportunity to get back into the family business, but that would require us to up and move from where we currently are to a different state. Now, I wanted to get your opinion. I wanted to get your expertise. I just don't know what to do.

And I'm lost. I am. I'll admit it. Well, you're a brave, loving husband, man. Your ability just to say that stuff out loud is hard. Mm-hmm. If you can hear my voice, I mean, it's, yeah. Thank you for being brave.

So I'm not going to use names again. I don't have permission to tell the story, so I'm going to be rather vague, but one of my best friends on all of the planet was married to an extraordinary person who got terminal brain cancer and passed away, hung in there a lot longer than everybody thought, and then it went pretty quick. And I'll remember calling because I was thinking about a wild career shift. I was going to either go to law school or I was going to go get a PhD in psychology. And I was just going to do something totally radically different with my life. And this person did one of those jobs.

And so I called and said, hey, I'm thinking about this and this. And then what about this? What about this? And here was his answer to me, John, none of that matters. And that was the first time my stomach dropped and he was right. So here's why I tell you that does job satisfaction matter? yes

you your body is circling the wagons right now and you're not your food's gonna taste different you're gonna lose joy in almost every facet of your life yes

so that's completely and totally normal and there will be seasons when you will be super husband because that's what you are. And you will turn all the lights on and you'll make sure there's flashlights everywhere and everybody's smiling and you'll whiten your teeth. And then you'll have moments

when you are dragged into the abyss. Right? Fair? Absolutely. Okay. So my advice and wisdom would be what my counselor told me. After a loss in my family, you cannot make a major life decision for a year. Just sit.

Okay. And everything is crushing you right now. And the temptation is to start looking around and finding things to throw rocks at. Because you're going to be raged out because your wife is beautiful and healthy and did everything right. And this isn't part of that script.

And then you're going to go through how devastatingly easy stage one colon cancer is to deal with and how tragically difficult stage four is to deal with. You know what I mean? Absolutely. If they haven't already, the idiots who love you

in your life, and I say that with a smile on my face, will be telling you, well, you should have got checked. Wow, why didn't you get... And you're like thinking, I know! And yet here we are, right? And so you're going to get all the well-meaning advice and all this. My recommendation to you, man, is to hunker down with your wife. You've got a great company who's taking care of you financially.

It's going to help you with these insane medical bills. And what it's going to give you is a foundation to walk through the next two years. So I've been focusing a lot on the future too. Do I just need to focus on day by day? No, no. And that's the problem. But that hurts me though a lot more when I focus on the future because I focus on, oh my gosh, am I going to have to bury her?

Because honestly, neither one of us want to be buried in this area. Yeah. We want to be buried, but I don't quite know where that is yet either. Yeah. But we know it's not this area. Here's the thing. You'll get the single worst slash greatest gift. The worst gift is that you're going to have to potentially bury your spouse.

Yeah. And you're going to have a, this is a spiritual, like you'll get to sit and look her in the eye and say, let's walk through this together. Absolutely. And nobody wants that gift. That's a gift I'm happy to hand back.

I don't want to open that. I don't want to unwrap it, whatever. And you get to say, with your feet propped up on your front porch after the sun's gone down, because I know you can't look at each other and have this conversation and still speak. So where do you want to be buried?

Yeah. And it's going to feel surreal. Right. Right? And so there's a healthy mix of future planning. You have to live in reality and you want to soak up every last second. Yes. to rally the troops and say, here's what we're looking at the next 18 to 24 months. I'm going to need help with X. I'm going to need help with Y.

And you know what else? You're going to give them a great gift because they're sitting there with their thumbs in the air going, what do we do? What do we do? I need you to help find a place because we've chosen Nashville, Tennessee. We've chosen Houston, Texas.

We've chosen wherever. That's where we want to buy our plots. Here's some money. That's your job. And I need some help here with the will. I need some help here with... Right? So you're going to get some guys that...

I'm going to call you at 2 a.m. sometimes crying out of the shower. And I need you just to answer the phone. Have that conversation with them, okay? Absolutely. And... I mean, I'm like, I'm, man, I'm heartbroken, man. Yeah. Yeah.

It's tough. Tell me about it real quick. Funny, beautiful, cranky, type A? All the above. What did she hassle you about most? What did she hassle me about the most? Yeah, what did she just hassle you about? Ooh.

That's a good one. I mean, she can hassle me about a lot. What's the big one? Like, for some reason, I hang up my shirts and I put all my clothes in the hamper, but I stack my pants up. I don't know why. Ah, the dishes. I mean, sometimes I just leave the dishes there. Come on, Jay.

I'm just kidding. Yeah. What's the funniest, what's the hardest you've ever seen her laugh oh gosh when we get her brother will send us pictures of the dog or send us pictures, just fun pictures I mean she'll get a good belly laugh or you know I like to be a comedian

too so I'll make her laugh a little bit my wife doesn't laugh at my jokes at all okay hey you'll have little ones we do I'll make her laugh a little bit. Oh, she laughs at your jokes? My wife doesn't laugh at my jokes at all. Not even a little bit. Okay, hey, you'll have little ones? We do. Okay, how old? 10 and 12.

Ah, geez. How much do they know? They know that the cancer came back, and they're obviously devastated. They don't know what the extent is, and we just don't want to have that conversation with them yet. Okay. I think it's wise to get some data and a very clear path before you sit down with them.

Here's what would be a great, great, great gift. This is a legacy gift, okay? Okay. I want you and your wife to get a journal and I want you all to begin writing each other notes on the daily if you can.

Okay. But I want you to love her. What today was like. What you miss. What's funny. What's this. I thought about the future today and I'm scared.

I thought about, you know and I'm scared I thought about you know the last few days and I got nervous or whatever and I'm wondering if I'm in all those things

I want you to write that stuff down because your 10 and 12 year old are going to be 26 and 24 someday yes and they're going to sit down with you over chips and queso and a margarita

and they're going to say tell me about mom right and you're going to be, tell me about mom. Right? And you're going to be able to say, how about she tell you? Right? James, we love you I said I wasn't going to do this

it doesn't matter what you say man it doesn't matter what you say you're losing the love of your life and your best friend on planet earth yeah it's tough what you say doesn't matter it's just gonna come so hear me say this you're surrounded by people

who love you absolutely I appreciate it Dr. John I do I'll walk alongside you through this whole thing you holler anytime I can be of help

or support you let me know okay definitely thank you sir God bless you guys I appreciate it tell your wife you love her too

will do thank you sir okay alright blessings to you guys. I appreciate it. Tell your wife you love her too. Will do. Thank you, sir. Okay. All right. Blessings to you, man. Take care. Thank you, sir. Bye-bye. We'll be right back. Hey, what's up? Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious or burned out or chronically stressed at some point. In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make

to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life. Get your copy today at johndeloney.com. All right, we are back. Let's wrap up today's show. Just kept thinking about this song. It's one of the greatest songs ever written by the one and only James Taylor. It's called Fire and Rain. It goes like this. Just yesterday morning,

they let me know you were gone. Suzanne, the plans they made put an end to you. And I walked out this morning and I wrote down this song and I just can't remember who to send it to. I've seen fire and I've seen rain and I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end. And I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend, but I always thought I'd see you again. I thought I'd see you one more time. There's just a few things coming my way this time around, and I thought I'd see you. Take it easy. We'll see you soon. Coming up on the next episode. One of the main issues that's happening right now

is related to money, but he has, even through therapy and all that, has never backed down from the position that he does not answer to me financially. If you have whittled away a decision in your marriage and it is final call, there's something else going on. Money is a symptom here. Why do you want to quit yelling?

Well, I was raised in a really wonderful home, but both of my parents would resort to yelling. Let me reframe something. Okay. You were raised in an abusive household.