The Dr. John Delony Show - I Feel Inferior to My Girlfriend

Episode Date: May 22, 2026

🔥 Microhabits for a Better Marriage. Download the Together app.   On today’s episode, we hear about: A man feeling intimidated by his girlfriend’s paycheck A wife worried her husband’s vasectomy won’t be enough A woman wondering if she should cut ties with a friend   Next Steps: Enter the Ramsey May Cash Giveaway! $500 weekly prizes and a $10,000 Grand Prize. Daily entries increase chances of winning. ❤️ Get away with your spouse today! 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test 📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards 💭 John’s Free Guided Meditation 🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch   Connect With Our Sponsors: Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. Go to Capstone Wellness to learn more. Get up to 20% off with code DELONY at Cozy Earth.   Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe.  Visit Hallow for a 90-day free trial. Visit Helix Sleep for special offers!  Working knives for working people—Go to Montana Knife Company to see what’s available now! Explore Poncho Outdoors! Head to Shady Rays and use code DELONY for 40% off two or more polarized sunglasses.  Get 25% off your order at Thorne.   Visit Zander Insurance or call 1-800-356-4282 for your free instant quote today.   Explore More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights   🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💰 George Kamel 🪑 Front Row Seat with Ken Coleman 📈 EntreLeadership   Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

This is an ad for BetterHelp. You work hard to be the strong one for everyone else, but you're running on empty. That pressure just doesn't disappear. It takes over your life and talking to someone can help. Go to betterhelp.com slash Deloney for 10% off. My now girlfriend, she was kind of the opposite. I grew up like West Coast. Only a single parent worked.

I had her college paid for, which I did not, you know, that kind of thing. I don't know why. Like, I don't want to be mad. but I just found myself mad about things like that. Are you mad at her or are you mad at you? What up? What up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. Coming to you from Nashville, Tennessee, taking your calls. Real calls from real people.

Going through real messy situations. Taking your calls on your marriages, your mental and emotional health, your dating relationships, whatever you got going on in your life. If you want to be on the show, I'd love to have you. Click the link in the show notes, and it will send you over to Kelly, our overlord, and she will get you on the show. It's got to Boise, Idaho, and talk to Michael.

Hey, Michael, what's up, dude? Hey, Dr. John, how are you doing? I'm good, brother. How are you, man? I am doing well. Doing well. Thanks for taking my call. You got.

You got. I didn't even finish that sentence. You got it. What's up, dude? Yeah, of course. So my question for you today is just trying to figure out how to handle income differences in relationships, specifically when dating, when that amount is a significant amount of money, especially in today's day and age.

Tell me more. Yeah. So kind of just like a quick backstory. I grew up in the South to income household. Definitely not like bad off or well off, kind of just middle class, heavily needed, but didn't spend a lot, didn't go on a lot of vacations, that kind of thing. And then my now girlfriend, she was kind of the opposite. Grew up like West Coast, only a single parent worked, had her college paid for,

which I did not, you know, that kind of thing. And then now specifically, she makes a large amount more money than I do. So just trying to navigate that in my relationship. trying to not feel necessarily resentment from my end on that. I don't want to, but I found myself kind of feeling that way here recently, so that's the reason for the call. This is a question I'm not supposed to ask. I'm going to use a word that they train us in counseling grad school to never use.

But I'm going to use it anyway. Why? Why does it bother you? Um, or why do you feel less than? Or let me say, let me, let me rephrase that. I'm, I'm feeling there's two things happening at once. One, somehow you think your experience was more real growing up than hers. And at the same time, you feel less than dating somebody that makes more money than you.

Yeah, um, that's a good question. I've kind of like thought that. myself as well. And I really don't know. Like, I don't want to feel like that. And I also, like, I know probably the way I've said it. Like, it came off. Like, I think that, you know, her experience is less growing up. And I don't think that. Like, I just think, like, that it's now at this point, like, skewing my perception of, like, let's say we go out to dinner and it's like not a big deal for her to pay something and it is for me. Like it's kind of skewing that vision or that perception of whatever it happens to be at that time,

when it comes to like purchasing or spending money. And I don't know why. Like I don't want to be mad, but I just find myself like mad about things like that. Are you mad at her or are you mad at you? I guess myself. I mean, I don't. How much money do you mean? No, like, go ahead.

How much money do you make? A year. And how much does she make? Like 120 to 140. Okay. You're making a good salary. Do you like what you do for a living? I do, yeah.

Does she make you feel small? Does she look at you and be like, oh my gosh, what a loser? You only make 70K a year. How old are you, by the way? I'm 24. Good God, dude. 24 making 70 grand. You're doing pretty dang good, brother.

Like, does she make you feel that way? So there was, like, there was a couple times that, like, jokes. I want to say jokes just because I don't know, like, where things would come up and there would be, like, little comments. Like, you need to make more money to, like, support me and our kids one day, like, things like that. Uh-huh. And that probably happened a couple of times, and we've talked about it since. since I was scheduled to come on the show. And I think we've resolved that,

but I also feel like that might have also kind of skewed my view. And like I said, you know, at the time, she was like, oh, I was just joking, you know, like it wasn't serious. It was just a sad comment, but then also, like, in the back one time, I feel like that kind of has made me, you know, feel like I need to make more or not making enough at the moment.

I think one of the challenges you're experiencing is you're being led around like a bull with a nose ring, you're being led around by I feel, I feel, I feel, I feel, I feel. And at 24, feelings, I mean, all of our ages, right? I deal with this all the time too.

Yeah. But if you can learn this now, man, you'll be free the rest of your life. Feelings are important. They're good data, but they don't tell us the truth. and I've come to the point where I don't think you can help that initial feeling. It just comes. That feeling of feeling small,

a feeling scared, a feeling anxious, like feelings happen. What matters is what you do next. And so I care way less about income differences in a relationship than are you in a place where y'all can talk about the stories you make up? Like people are natural storytellers. We make up stories.

That's how our bodies, that's one of the ways we have moved up the chain, right? In the animal kingdom. We create narratives around facts, around things that are happening, and we respond to those stories. And you've got so many competing stories going on inside your mind, most of which you've made up. And about yourself, about what you're worth, about her, about her background. about what she might like one day in a relationship. Like you're just making up story after story and your body's constantly responding to these stories.

What I care way more about is, do you all have the kind of relationship where you can say, hey, I'm making up this story that you like me, but you don't think I'm going to be a good provider for our family. And she can go, no, that's stupid. Or she can go, yeah, I have dreams of staying at home one day and I have a lived experience of this kind of lifestyle,

and I want that kind of lifestyle. Or, yeah, I grew up in Southern California on the West Coast. My dad made a trillion dollars. My mom stayed a home. But I want to do life with you. And so what is that going to look like for us? Right. Like that to me is what matters here.

Yeah. And if you feel small because you don't make as much money as the woman you're dating, with all due respect, that's a you problem. But that's all, that's ego. I would love it if my wife made twice as much money as me. That would rule. But I'm also anchored in her and I are right or ride or die, right? I mean, it all goes into the same account.

Yeah. And if she's with you and says, hey, let's go to this restaurant and you say, I want to pay and here's what I can afford, let's go to this one. And she's like, ooh, gross, I don't want to, ugh, then she might not be the girl for you. Does that make sense? Yeah, I mean, on that point, like on that point, like, how do you have those conversations, like, about, you know, like spending money when you're still dating, like, the great example you just gave. Like, how do I just say, like, hey, like, I can't afford to do that? Do you just, all right, say it?

Like, within a relationship, I mean, it's not like I'm not comfortable, but I also just don't know how to kind of bring that or have that deeper conversation. Yeah, I think those kinds of. of conversations have to be anchored to something bigger than a dollar amount. They've got to be anchored to a value. Okay. So here's what I mean by that. Do you owe money? I do. Are you trying to get out of debt? You're trying to pay off your debts? I am. Okay. So anchoring it to, I've got this big goal, this vision of freedom from my life. I don't want to be owned by a bank or a car dealership or something. Then when she says, hey, let's go to this fancy steakhouse and you say, let's go get tacos. It's,

It doesn't come across as cheap because it comes across as, I'm working really hard because I got this goal. Right. If you're saying, I can't afford that. I'm broke. Then that's a different conversation, right? So if it's anchored to a value, then you can have that.

That's an easy conversation to have. Okay. Or like, let's, like, if you actually are broke, you make a ton of money for a 24-year-old, right? and how old is she? 24 as well. Yeah, she is crushing. What does she do for a living?

Tech sales. Okay, what do you do for a living? Like operations, customer service, whatever. If she's good at sales, chances are she's always going to make more than you. And that's just kind of the way it is. And there's going to be seasons, like sales is like farming. There's seasons when the crop comes in. been real good. And there's also seasons when it doesn't rain, right? So that's kind of a roller

coaster ride, but a good salesperson, man, is going to always do well. That's awesome for y'all. But y'all sitting down and deciding, like, you telling her, hey, I've got this vision for my life right now, it's going to be 24 months, and I'm not going to owe anybody anything, and I'm grinding it out. Then, man, if she's somebody you're going to spend the rest of your life with, she's going to see that value, that goal, and be like, dude, awesome. I'm paying for dinner for the next few months. And if you don't have an ego, you can say, cool, that's awesome. Or if you want to have an ego about it and be like, well, actually, no.

You get what I'm saying? It's just setting your ego aside and asking yourself, what do I value here? If y'all's values are aligned, dude, how you operate in the world, it's going to be a constant negotiation for the rest of your time together. How long have y'all been dating? About a year and a half. Okay. So y'all are in this for a minute.

Yeah. Do you like this woman? I do. You know, a lot. Okay. Are you ashamed of how you grew up? Are you embarrassed by it? No.

No, I don't think so. I just, no, I always, like, have this, I guess, vision from my life. Like, I'm going to, you know, get married, have kids. and then, you know, live the same kind of life I had, which is more frugal. And then now I'm coming in and, like, meeting people and things like that, that they grew up a lot differently. And I'm not saying what is bad. It's just, like, I feel like very hard for me to, like, accept that or see how people are doing that or affording that.

Right. So it kind of makes me a little more sheltered. Like, I just want to stay at home and not spend it. money and does that does that kind of make sense? I don't know it does it does

I want you to be careful about I want you to focus on curiosity over judgment and when you see people spending money and having a good time you instantly make up a story we all do they're reckless

they don't know what they're doing I can't believe they would spend money on X Y or Z right and frugality is somehow superior It's better. It's safer. Like, whatever words you want to make up.

Yeah. And I want you to be curious about that story that your body instantly defaults to. Almost all of us, especially in your 20s, the stories that are circulating in your head are stories you grew up with. Yeah.

We can't afford that. Those kind of people buy that kind of stuff. Can't believe someone would ever buy that car. I can't believe anyone would eat at that restaurant. Right? Those become, the stories our parents throw out become the stories we tell ourselves about other people. And I want you to be curious about the stories you're making up.

Because if you want to save money because you don't want to be owned by a bank, that's noble. That's wise. If you don't want to save money because those people are just, fill in the blank, man, that is a scarcity-minded, like, shallow way to do life. You're going to end up like Gallum, right, just holding onto this ring. And the ring is, I don't spend money, right?

Yeah. And so be curious about the stories that you're making up about other people because here's the thing. She may have come from wealth and you may not know that her dad gives away millions of dollars a year. And you may not know that her grandfather

invented a, I don't know, a chip or a bolt. And you get what I'm saying? Like, it's easy to put those people in that category. There's a, he was a songwriter, but I consider him a theologian. His name was Rich Mullins. And I love this quote he gave one time. People can be as proud of the things they don't have as those who live in excess are of the things they do have. And I remember driving a used corolla around my neighborhood, rolling my eyes at people in Alexis.

how dare they, right? Who would spend that kind of money on that? And what I assumed is, A, they were looking at me going, oh my gosh, what a, what a peasant driving a corolla. I don't know what they were thinking. They weren't thinking about me at all. They were thinking about their day, right? But also, I had this, if they were doing that,

which they weren't, if they were, I was doing, I was making the same judgment on them they're making on me just on the other side of the barbell. And I think for you, entering into practicing a season of gratitude, how cool is it that I'm dating somebody who loves me and she's crushing it at the age of 24? How cool is it that her parents were able to pay for her college?

That's amazing. I would love to be able to do that for my kids one day. Or I'd like to be able to pay for part of it and not, my kids not have to have the same fear and anxiousness that I had. right like there's there's a way to look at it with gratitude yeah and that just is you looking in the mirror and being curious about the stories you're making up um i do this for me right down for me but for you write down four or five of the stories you've made up about her just be about her her her money

how she spends it make right down three or four of the stories you've made up about why you and this is This is going to take some humility. Why you feel like you're superior, I would never, or I don't do that, or I just want to not spend money because, like, ask yourself why. What am I scared of happening? Or what is my financial reality that I can't spend money, man, because I owe a whole bunch of money. I took a bunch of loans out for college and for a car, and I need to get that stuff paid off. Be honest about those stories, and then sit down and tell her, hey, do I have made up some stories about me, about you? and these stories make me feel all kind of ways.

I want to have a conversation about these stories. And by the way, what stories have you made up about you and about me? And have that conversation, because then the conversation's about the stories. It's not about your accusations. And that's a much easier way to have a conversation with somebody you care about. It makes it feel much less personal. And it's an invitation to a discussion, not a declaration of war. So, dude, you're on the right path, man.

But check your ego at the door and get real curious about the stories you're making. out. And if you get to the bottom of all those stories and it's just, man, I'm dating a girl and she makes a bunch, she makes double my income and I feel insecure, man, you need a big old cup, but get over it. Like, be happy that she's doing well. Be her number one cheerleader in her sales job. And if you feel like, hey, I want to make some more money, then you do the hard work of exploring what that would look like in your life. If you like the job you have and you like the career path, you're on, and you're making, you're making 70 grand as a 24 year old, you're winning. And not in the Charlie Sheen kind of winning.

Like, you're actually winning. You're doing it, man. And find some gratitude with yourself. Thanks for the call, my brother. When we come back, a woman asks how to trust her husband's vasectomy and stop her anxiety from ruining their sex life. This is going to be awesome. All right, so Cozy Earth and I started with their towels.

And then I got some cozy earth sheets. And then I got their comforters and their amazing blankets. And then I got Cozy Earth socks. My house is covered up in Cozy Earth gear because it's amazing. And I recently got these new Cozy Earth Everywhere pants. I didn't think I needed another pair of pants, but now I wear the Cozy Earth Everywhere pants, literally everywhere. And I want to talk about these cozy earth sheets.

Listen, they're not normal sheets. They're made from viscos, from bamboo. And I don't even know what that means, but I do know that my sheets are soft, breathable, and somehow they keep me cool without ever freezing me out. Cozy Earth sheets literally help me sleep better. And here's the deal. Cozy Earth gives you a hundred-night sleep trial

on all of their betting and a 10-year warranty on everything else. There's no risk. You can fill up your house with cozy Earth gear, change your life for the better, and not have any risk at all. Go to cozyEarth.com slash Deloney and use code Deloney

and you'll save up to 20% off your entire order. That's Cozy, C-O-Z-Y, CozyEarth.com slash Deloney with code Deloney. If you get a post-purchase survey, tell Cozy Earth you heard about their amazing gear right here on the Dr. John Deloney show. All right, good folks, I'm excited to tell you about a brand new sponsor, Capstone Wellness. I spent the vast majority of my career working with teenagers and young adults and their families, and I know from personal experience that finding help and care for teenagers and young adults can be a nightmare. If you're a parent and your teenage or adult son age 14 to 28 is struggling with trauma, addiction, mental health challenges, or destructive behaviors, and you're running out of options,

I want you to consider residential treatment care. Capstone Treatment Center is a residential treatment program for young men. They are working on a program for young women, but right now they are exclusively, focused on working with young men. This is a live-in therapeutic setting where your son can fully step away from the chaos of the world for a few months or longer and into a structured environment with trained licensed clinicians. This is daily intensive work that has the power to transform your son's life and your family's life. And listen, I know folks at Capstone. Capstone is a faith-based organization, but they care for all types of people in all walks of life. If somebody close to me had a son who

needed that level of intervention in care, Capstone would be my first call. Residential treatment is a very serious investment in money and time and in energy because the level of care is completely different. Financial aid and scholarships are available. Go to Capstonewellness.com slash Deloney to learn more. That's capstonewellness.com slash Deloni. All right, we're back. Hey, take two seconds and hit the subscribe button. The, uh, If you're on the tubes or if you're listening to this on podcast, wherever you're listening to this, take two seconds. Hit the subscribe button and it makes such a huge difference for our listeners, for the guests we can get on the show, and for the algorithms.

Let's go out to Tulsa, Oklahoma and talk to, you got to have faith, a faith, a faith, what's up, Faith? Hi, John, how you doing? I'm doing great. How are you? I'm doing pretty good. I'm anxious, but I'm doing good other than that. I'm anxious, too. mostly because my buddy Chris Williamson has this new tonic energy drink and I'm had a bunch of coffee

and I'm also drinking this and my brain feels like a laser right now. That would kill me. Awesome. It won't kill you. It just makes you a supersonic version of yourself. So what's up? So I'm having a hard time relaxing about my husband's vasectomy. It hasn't ruined my sex life yet.

but if I don't deal with it now, I guess it will down the road. So, like, every time we have sex, I just freak out and I have to go through all these rituals of, like, why we didn't get pregnant and that we're going to be okay? And when he got his deceptomy back saying, or his paper back saying that he had successful dysectomy, and the bottom, it says one in 2000 will fail, and I'm convinced that I'm the one in 2000 that's going to fail on. So it's putting nerve wrecking. It's hard to relax and just enjoy being with him

because all I can think about is getting pregnant. I'm going to be honest to you. This is the first time I've ever got this call. It's usually the opposite. It's like, good God, I wish you'd get a vasectomy so I could just relax and we could party again. And so this is awesome. I appreciate the call.

So worst case scenario with me, you get pregnant again. Why is your body? trying to protect you from that moment happening. Did you have a tough pregnancy before? The pregnancy was okay. It was tough. They're not easy.

I had a C-section. He was a little early. So it was some complications. But we got through it. And then about four months into it, everybody talks about postpartum depression, but nobody talked about postpartum anxiety. And with C-section moms,

it can hit a little bit later, I guess. And about four months into it, I was in a critical care unit for three days. and they did every test known demand. And it was very physical, like the symptoms are physical. I was having heart problems. I couldn't, I was nauseous, and I didn't eat three meals for a whole year. It was like, I think from October to October, I couldn't eat.

I lost so much weight. I couldn't, I wasn't sleeping. I'd wake up at 3 o'clock every morning, have an anxiety attack and fall asleep at 5. So it was just, like, I lost my identity. I felt like it was an out-of-body experience. Like, I was dead, but my. My brain was making my body get up every day and surviving. And, like, I was, I felt, I wasn't suicidal, but like, if a car, if I walked in front of a car and it hit me, I would be like, yay, that's great.

It will end it. Like, that's kind of where I was at. And I remember saying goodbye to my kids because they didn't think I was going to live. Like, it felt like every system in my body was turning off. And I was in denial. I spent so much money having doctors tell me that, um, I'm doing all these tests and they said it was anxiety. And I just, I didn't believe them because the symptoms are so physical.

And I just, I don't ever want to do that again. It was horrible. It was absolutely horrible. So like I don't know how to, he got a effect to me because I would freak out every time, every time, every month. I was convinced I would read a negative pregnancy test and I would be a positive pregnancy test. Yeah, yeah. And I would, I would just melt down and melt down. And so he got that thinking I would calm down.

And I have calmed down a little bit, but then I go through these phases of like, oh, my gosh, like, what are we going to do? Like, I'm going to die if this happens. And then at the end of all of my testing, they did find, because I was having nerve pain, really bad nerve pain. I couldn't stand up. And at the end of all this testing, at the end of the year, they found a bone tumor in my pelvis. So I really can't get pregnant. Worst case scenario, like, you know, is not looking good for me if I were to get pregnant. Yeah.

I have a hypothesis, okay? Okay. And you're talking to a guy that ended up in the ER with my buddy, who was my physician, thought I was having a heart attack. Like we were laughing and carrying on while he was doing his exam. And then he stepped out of the room and came back in with three nurses in an EKG. He goes, brother, you got to go to the ER right now. Oh, gosh. Right?

And it wasn't that. It was anxiety. Okay. So I've never had. And you're right. Postpartum depression, I think people think of depressive symptoms. I just usually say postpartum because it comes, everybody reacts differently to the cascade of changes that just happened to it, right?

My concern for you is, let's say you, quote unquote, and I'm using this very loosely, okay, get over. You don't get over, but let's say you make peace with the vasectomy is real, okay? It's working. You're not going to get pregnant from it. It's been my experience sitting with people struggling with anxiety for years that your body will just move to the next thing. It will find something else to go to war against.

And then you saw that and it goes to war against something else. Right? And you find one medical complication, one medical thing. Like, oh, there's a thing in my pelvis. Boom. Now every time I sneeze, I think I got cancer. It's just going to keep moving until you deal with the core challenges, which is your body has identified something or some things in your

environment that it believes you're not safe. And it will keep throwing darts at a dartboard thing. Oh, that's it. That's it. That's it. And it will keep moving until you get to the core, core issues. So can I ask you some questions about your just overall life? Tell me about growing up. I was I was raised in a really legalistic home that was reminiscent of a cult honestly like they like child marriage

like arranged marriages it was kind of crazy it was really stressful did they arrange you with the guy you're with now no no they tried to family stepped in and didn't allow that to happen and then the pastor threatened me when I was like 12 or 13

yeah so I was I've been working through that my whole life. Okay. What does that mean when you say you've been working through that? I mean, I've been in therapy, and I've, you know, I've gotten really close, like, I've worked through my faith and I've gotten to know who I am. I have an identity now, like, in Jesus.

And so that has helped tremendously. So I feel like in my mind, I know, like, what truth is. I know who I am. But it's like my body and my mind aren't the same person. Right. I don't know if that any sense. Well, listen, I had, I, I've never talked about this on the show. I don't think I, I had to go do something they call body work for childhood trauma.

And literally, somebody put their hands on my shoulders and my arms in my head while I walked back through some things that happened to me as a kid. And you're, like, what you're describing is, is what I think most people who don't experience this can't wrap their head around is it's not, just a matter of thinking it, this stuff is encoded in your nervous system. And so as your mind thinks it's getting closer and closer to this faith that you want to have, your body remembers. Your 13-year-old nervous system is still driving, and it says, God hates you. Yeah, it does. Right?

And so actually the more information you get, the more your body's going to spin up the alarm system because you're not safe. I don't feel safe ever. But you don't feel safe inside your own skin. And your body tries to solve for safety externally, safety from pregnancy, safety from financial issues, safety, safety, safety, all out there.

But the real war is happening inside your body. body. Are you close with your parents or are y'all cut off? No, now I'm close with my parents. We've worked through a lot of things as a family and whatnot and they were kind of victims of some of this as well. They really weren't perpetrators. They were victims of this really bad person. Can you go to your parents and I'm going to say this jokingly, but I'm serious. Can you fart in your mother's living room? Oh, no. That's not. Okay. So again, All of this has happened cognitively. But when you show up to your parents, your body still knows we got to, we got to get on stage and act.

Oh, yeah. And so, again, your body knows we're still not safe. We said all the right words. We said, I forgive you, and we're sorry, cool. Can I be me in your living room? Nope. Mm-hmm. Right?

Did you experience any physical or sexual abuse growing up? No, it was more like my bet, so like in this church environment, my best friend was actually abused by her dad and the whole church defended the dad and wrote him love letters in prison, but the kids got taken away. And I lived with a lot of survivors guilt with that because it always felt like it should have been me. So that's something that's like I've worked at, cognitively, I guess, but like I still, like, it's really hard.

All right, so here's how we're going to, we're going to reframe this and work through it, okay? Okay. I want you to write, this is going to sound crazy. I want you to write your body, a love letter. Okay. Okay. Not your, not the way Kelly does it, like, I look so good. Not that kind of love letter.

I want you to write yourself a love letter because here's what I think. I think your body is working really hard to keep you safe. And you've been at war with your body for years. And I think your body's working pretty dang good. It's still trying to protect this 13-year-old girl whose friends are getting abused, whose pastor's telling her she's going to burn in hell, who's parents don't know which way to turn,

and who then suddenly is staring at her own new child. and your body goes, ah, I know this story, here we go again. I want to suggest that your body's working pretty good

given the set of circumstances. And the path forward for you is less about, I need to listen to another podcast or read another article about anxiety, go to another therapist and talk more about the situation.

And more about you need to connect your body to the safe world that you're in now. Okay. You get how different this is? Mm-hmm. Yeah.

And so answer a few questions for me. Is your husband a safe guy? Is he a good man? Oh, he's the best. He's so safe. He's grounds me, honestly. Like, when I'm feeling crazy, anxious and spiraling, like, his touch calms me down. He's my best friend.

He's everything that I didn't have as a child. Okay, so know this. Know this. Again, cognitive. you know that. But our bodies solve for our unfinished business. We marry what's comfortable

generally. And if you marry what's safe, it will feel uncomfortable to your body. Yeah. Right? Yeah, definitely. And so you know cognitively, I'm safe. I remember being so anxious and my body was responding as though somebody was busting through my door

with a hatchet coming right at me. Yeah. I remember laughing. because I would be like there's nothing wrong and my body was like run! I'm like watching Seinfeld. It's like what has happened?

You know what I mean? And so making peace with oh I feel you body. I feel you. This guy's safe. Not I need you to touch me. I need you to hold me.

I need you. I'm good. And this is you practicing self-soothing. This is you practicing, hey, what's my body? trying to protect me from right now. And here's what happens. When your body learns that you're in the driver's seat now, not some abusive cult, not some evil spiritual leader, not some unsafe home environment,

but you, I'm driving. I'm going to teach my body that I'm driving because every time it sets the alarm system off, I'm going to go, okay, let's just be honest. What are we, what are we scared of in this moment? Oh, I'm good now. I'm a good mom. I'm married to a really safe, good guy. And this is going to sound nutty, but I want to practice safety. Not practice thinking.

Okay. Not practice calling another therapy. I want to practice feeling safe. Okay. That sounds really scary. But listen, it's going to feel terrifying to your body, and the alarms may even sound louder, for a season because it's going to think, oh, you don't get it.

Yeah. And it's you practicing. No, I get it. Thank you, Body, for trying to take care of me now, but I'm good. I'm safe. I'm driving. Did you talk out loud to your body? Oh, dude, I talked out loud to myself all the time.

All the time. My wife would laugh. I would walk through the living room and when those stories spun up, I would literally yell out loud in the living room, like walking across the house. I'd be like, nope, not doing this. and or I'm good and my wife would laugh, but she knew I was practicing taking back control of my thoughts.

Because we think that voice in our head, especially if you're struggling with anxiety, we think that voice in our head is us. It's not. It's a, it's a conglomeration of all these other voices who've been spitting at us and yelling at us

and criticizing us and judging us for years. And I would recommend finding, I want you to be specific about, and I know they're going to be there in Tulsa, a trauma-informed therapist. And here's what I want you to say. I want you to walk into the therapy office and say,

I've been talking about this stuff for years. I want to do some body work. I want to do some EMDR. I want to heal from this in my body so that I can get on about my life. Okay. And a good trauma therapist will say, awesome, game on.

Okay. Okay. And we live in a sliver of history right now. There's medications. There's some incredible advancements with psychedelics. There is incredible body work that's being done on a regular basis now. Even there's something as low level as EMDR. There are things you can do not to sit and just talk and talk and talk and talk.

Right. If it doesn't help. Right. It actually makes it worse. Mm-hmm. but moving, because it's continuing to divorce your head, what you know to be true from your body trying to keep you safe. Right?

And so we're going to connect those two things, and then this is going to sound crazy. We're going to get on about our life. I'm driving now. Right? And I want you to that to be a refrain. I don't have to have these imaginary conversations in my head over and over again. I don't have to replay what I'm going to.

happen to my friend over and over again. I don't have to ever, ever, ever outside the flash of boom, there's a flash of that old pastor in my head. I don't have to think about him for one second. I get to choose what I ruminate on. All of these things begin to teach your body. Oh, you're driving now. Cool. We can turn the alarm system off. Right. Because the fire is on a stove, the fire's not burning the house down. Right. You get what I'm saying? Right.

Now, all of this, back to husband's vasectomy, right? This is going to sound, again, I've said this 20 times, it's going to sound nutty because I don't think anyone's ever told you this before. If you have sex with your husband and you all have a great time, and then the anxiety kicks up on the back end, I don't want you to go to war with your body. I want you to put your fist in your chest or your hand on your chest and then just ask yourself.

What are you trying to protect me from? Okay. Don't do this in bed while he's sitting right there. Like that will be awkward, right? Do it by yourself and just quickly say, what do you try to protect me from? Oh, from getting pregnant? We're good. We're good.

Okay. And if it says, we're not good, we're not good, say, I'm going to write this down. My body thinks we're, I'm pregnant. Cool. I can literally do nothing about that tonight. I'm going to deal that tomorrow. Okay. Thinking about it all night is not going to make you less pregnant, right?

Right. So I'm going to write it down. I'm going to get out of my body, and then I'm going to roll over and go to sleep. Okay. So keep like a journal by my bed and when I have these anxious thoughts afterwards, just like write them down and be like I'll do with it tomorrow. And put a time on it tomorrow at 10 a.m.

I'll think about this tomorrow. And your body goes, oh, okay, cool. Oh, okay. Now, it's not going to be that simple, right? It'd be like, no, let's think about it now, right? I got a buddy who's a comic. His name's Connor Larson. He's hilarious.

But he talks about like every time he goes to bed, he puts his head on his pillow. And it's like having a drunk bunkmate right next to him. Right when he puts his head on his pillow, the bunkmate's like, hey, you want to think about some crazy things right now? It's awesome. Right. Just be able to write it down. Yeah, go ahead. Real quick.

What three things you want to talk about? Oh, the end of the world, getting pregnant again, mother coming over? Cool. I've written that down. tomorrow at 9 o'clock, we'll think about that then. Okay. All of this is practicing autonomy. Okay.

Agency. I'm driving. You don't have to ruminate on every thought you have. You don't have to meditate on it. And all of this is practice. It took me a couple of years, to be honest with you. But here's what I want you to hear me say, there is peace on the other side of this practice.

It's worth it. It's so worth it. You'll have good days. You'll still have anxious days. you'll still have grinding to a halt, anxious days, when you just look at your husband and say, I need to borrow your nervous system for about 30 minutes. Turn on your favorite show.

I'm going to curl up in your lap, and I just need you to hold me. And don't try to do the back massage move because it's not working the night. But like, there's going to be those days. It's a part of life. It's all good. I don't want to live in a body

that doesn't ever feel anxiety because anxiety is an alarm system. I need that. I just need it to go off when things are actually a threat. And not when it's trying to keep me safe from stuff that happened 5, 10, 15, 20 years ago. You are on the right path. I'm so grateful that you called.

And your willingness to call is going to help a whole bunch of people. So thank you so much for reaching out. Hang on the line. I'm going to hook you up with building a non-anxious life. I'm going to send you that book. It's not a replacement for therapy, but it will give you and your husband a path out. So hang on the line.

I'll send that to you as my gift. We come back. A woman asks if she should stay friends with someone who has a bad, bad reputation. I have the same question about Kelly, so we'll get through this together. Winter is over and summer is here. And this means it's time to rotate the old closet. The poncho flannels and dinnums are going in the back,

and my favorite poncho originals and ultralights are coming to the forefront. That's right, no matter what time of the year, I still am rocking my poncho shirts. I've been wearing poncho shirts for years for one reason. They're the best. The original poncho light shirt is the go anywhere performance shirt. It's lightweight, it's breathable, it's quick drying, it's built for real life. And the ultra light is, get this, ultra light.

It has that same great fit with an even lighter feel. And when it gets hot like it does in Tennessee, all of the lightness matters. Poncho shirts have stretched, they move with you, and even though they're light and soft, they are wicked tough. And here's the deal. Poncho shirts look sharp enough to wear to dinner. to wear a church, and they're comfortable enough to wear in the yard or out on the lake. If warmer weather has you ready to reshuffle your closet, I want you to go to poncho outdoors.com

slash deloni and check out all of their amazing styles. Get $10 off your first purchase. Just sign up with your email. That's poncho outdoors.com slash deloni. All right, let's go out to Indianapolis, Indiana, and talk to Haley. Hey, Haley, what's up? Hey, thanks for having me on. I appreciate it. Of course. What's going on? So I met my friend three years ago. She was touring my college that I've graduated since from.

I was her tour guide. And we like connected, immediately clicked. And I gave her my contact information. But hey, you know, if you ever have any questions, let me know. She actually decided to enroll. We connected again in the fall semester when she came in as a freshman. I was a senior. She ended up joining my sorority, and I became her big. So, like, big and little, big, big, bigs and little is in Greek life, mentor, mentee relationships. So I've always been kind of like, like, I, I view her as like a little sister to me, honest, like genuinely. So I feel very protective over her. At this point, we're still very close friends.

I've since graduated. She's almost 21. I'm 24. But I am struggling with whether I should stay friends with her. Um, she's a great friend to me. She's amazing, wonderful. I love her. But she does some things that I'm not in favor of. And I've tried talking to her about it. And it just doesn't really go anywhere. Like what? And I'm, so she going into college had a boyfriend of like four years. And after they had hit five years, she ended up cheating on him. And this was after I had graduated. But she cheated on her boyfriend with a close, uh, guy friend. And, and, and, And she had been emotionally cheating for a while prior. And I knew about it because she would ask me, hey, like, which do I choose? I'm like, you're not choosing between them.

You choose, do you want to be with your boyfriend, yes or no, then have a time where you're single and then maybe choose the other person. But she lied to me about it, did not tell me that they had like a physical cheating. I heard about it from the guy because I also knew him. Not the ex, but the friend. And, yeah, so she was like cheating on this guy. she'd been with forever and then leading on this friend that had like this massive crush on her and was lying to me about it and I was like I don't like that let me stop you there let's stop you there sorry this is like a lot no no no it's cool I love the OC so we're we're here like um

she's not a good friend to you and the whole premise of the call was she's a good person to me she's a good friend to me she's not she lied to your face multiple times She hurt one of your joint friends together. She violated a half a decade relationship. I've got close personal friends who have blown their marriages to Smithereens. And they circle back and we've had some hard, direct, loving conversations. And I'll still fight for those men and women until the end of time. But it's rooted in, like, honesty.

and your friendship isn't. And you have to metabolize that because that's the reality. I mean, I've tried talking to her about all of the cheating and I was like, hey, I'm not comfortable with this. I think you kind of did this guy dirty, both of these guys dirty.

She ended up cheating again with like another guy too. And I think the solution to that was that she just doesn't tell me anything with her love life anymore. Okay, that means she's not a good friend to you. Yeah. Why don't, what, there's, there's a thing called confirmation bias. We all know that. There's another construct called desirability bias. And that is when I see things that I want to be there that are not.

Why are you so interested in this relationship being something that it isn't? Is it, is it, is it, is it, you avoiding being really sad? It's, it's not that. I mean, I have, I mean, I have, I mean, I have other good friends. It's just... Do you feel like you failed because she was your little and it was your job to morally guide her? And like, do you feel like you messed up? Because I don't think you did.

I think she made some late teenage, early adult choices. I don't think it's that. I think it's... I just don't want to abandon her as she's kind of navigating all of it. She's abandoning you. She left you. You did the right friend thing, which is to see a friend that you love,

that you see and that you know, you've spent years celebrating her as her big, and then you did the next right thing, which is you challenged her. This isn't who you said you wanted to be. This isn't who we said we are going to be in our friendship. And she was like, yeah, I'm out. She left you.

You did the right thing. Friends hold each other accountable. That's one of the cornerstones of friendship. Iron sharpens iron. I mean, is there a way to like still stay friends with her, though? Because like I don't have like a personal problem with her. It's just that. Hold on, hold on.

You should. You should have a personal problem with her. She lies to your face. She hides things from you. You should have a problem with her. You should. I think you should still show up and be a person of character. Be kind, be respectful.

But you have to own the relationship for what it is. It is not a good friendship because she cut you out of part of it because you held her feet to the fire. And so if she reaches out to you, yeah, be kind. She doesn't want your advice on her love life She doesn't want your advice on her character She doesn't want your advice on her integrity That's not a friendship That's a person I used to know

It was like cutting off friends Because I don't want to She's cut you out She's cut out you Yeah I struggled in college a lot With like my friends Like kind of

I felt like every semester I had a different friend group And I never really had I had now like post grad I have my consistent friends But at the time, it was always like, I felt like I had a different friend group and people would randomly stop talking to me and I didn't know why. And I don't want to be that person to her. I know you don't want it to be, but it is.

You know what I mean? Yeah. And here's the other thing. You're not in college anymore. Yeah. And you got a gang. And you're focusing on what you used to have and not the amazing thing that you do have. But you have an immature 20-year-old friend and that stinks.

you all used to be pretty tight I mean we have a lot like she's so supportive and kind and always there for me and like I know I know it sounds bad I know it sounds bad no no no she's not always there for you but other than like this

other than honesty and integrity I know I know I know it okay you just you gave me some insight why are you so desperate for her approval it's not it is it is it is Why? Why do you need this 20-year-old to like you?

Necessarily need her to like me. I just, I don't want her to not like me. Exactly. Exactly. I don't like losing friends. I like to keep my friends. There you go. Okay.

Own that. This is a big, huge distraction from feeling grief. You lost a good friend. You did the right friend thing and your friend said, I'm out. that's grief, that's sadness. And you're right to feel sad. You're right to feel sad because you're 24 and you've had other girlfriends,

you have your own life experience, and you know where this leads for her. And there's few things more painful than seeing someone we care about doing self-destructive things. And they don't want our input. But in true friendship, in true ride or die friendship,

I'm willing to risk you not liking me for a season to let you know how much I love you. And this is all, parasitic is too dramatic of a word, but you have a strange codependence with this girl. Yeah. You, for whatever reason, it's probably 50 different reasons,

you have decided you need her to like you and to be in your life. She's not a good friend. She might say nice things to you, and she might send you hilarious texts and memes, and she might leave you neat notes with bubble letters on your car windshield. I don't know.

I'm just making crap up. But, like, all those things may be true. But she's not your close friend. So what would you say is, like, what do I do then? Like, do I just stop talking to her? Like, how do we get to a point where we're closed? I don't know what to. Maybe.

I had very, I like you, I had a few really close ride or die friends. There was years where we didn't talk for three or four or five years. Life just got in the way. We moved. We went separate ways. Somebody got married, somebody had a kid. And now, as I've looped back, those are some of my best, closest friends on the planet.

And we laugh about those times they were idiots, or I was an idiot. But it was just keeping things pretty open-handed. Yeah. And by the way, she is representative of you being 24, and you've still got your feet in both worlds. And the boats, you got a foot in one boat, which is college and the fun and the experience,

and the, oh my gosh, what's going on in sorority? And then you also have another foot in the adult world. And that boat is starting to take off. And you're about to start doing the splits, right? Yeah. And so get your foot out of the college boat. And if somebody's listening to this in their 35, it's easy to keep your foot in the,

when we were in our 20s. If somebody has a kid that just went from elementary school to middle school or middle school to high school, it's easy to keep your foot in the, remember with all the parents, we'd all just hang out at the Little League games and our kids would play, and now we have one foot in the high school boat

or going to college boat, and that boat's taken off fast. Be where you are, and you're 24. You have a full-time job now? Yeah. All grown up? You got friends you hang out with after work? Yeah.

You have some dumb boy you're in love with? No. That's a whole other story. Just find a dude, just call it. We all thought, listen, we all dated and thought we knew the person and then we got married. We don't know them. We don't know them. Just pick a dude and just get on with it.

Right. It's terrible advice, but it's pretty much right. But here's the thing. Get your foot out of the college world. Of course respond to her messages. Of course send her happy birthday message. But let the relationship be what it is. It's a glorified text message relationship.

It's a hope you're doing well. It's a, I don't hear from you much. I've got work is busy. I've got so much wild stuff to do. You were in a sorority. Let's make that the least cool thing of your life when you look back in your 70. Let's spend our energy finding people to do life with

moving forward, not trying to hang on to what we had. And for whatever, like, take the rose-colored glasses off. She's not your friend. She was. She lies to you. She withholds from you.

She keeps secrets from you. That's not a friendship. That's a person I used to know. And that stinks. That's heartbreaking. But it sounds like you got a great crew of women that you're doing life with now. It's awesome. Let's invest there.

Thanks for a call, sister. We'll be right back. Everything, and I mean everything, feels like it's going off the rails. I've spent my entire career working in chaotic situations with hurting people, and I've never seen anything like what's going on in our world. I want to challenge you to stop consuming all of the news, all the time, all the chaos, even all of the stress and sports scores. And I want you to consider spiritually grounding yourself before you launch out in the morning into the madness that is our world. One of the ways I keep myself spiritually grounded in my faith is by using the Hallow app almost every single morning.

I used it on my ride into work today. Hallow is the number one Christian prayer and meditation app in the world. This app has everything from scripture readings to music to meditations, lecture series, stories, and more. It's worth checking out. You can try Hallow for free for three months at hallow.com slash Deloni and take back the first few minutes of your day before everything else tries to take them from you. That's three months for free at hallow.com slash Deloni. All right, Kelly, rocking the deep V. Am I the problem? What's up?

All right. So this is from Kelsey in Blaine, Washington, and she writes. You're going to love this one. It's going to harken back to your childhood. All right. Let's just go with that. My 10-year-old son was recently hanging out with a friend riding skateboards around our small neighborhood. He called me from his GPS watch to ask if they could go ding-dong ditching. The answer, yes. Continue. By the way, I never called my parents to ask if I could do that. Nope. No. I was surprised, but told him no. I didn't think it was a good idea. He was very, very very disappointed, but I accepted, but accepted my answer. He brought it up again after he got home and said he feels like he's missing out on a core childhood memory, and he doesn't see any harm in it. We talked about the risks of going up to random houses, even in a safe neighborhood. He thinks I'm being unreasonable, but I think I gave the responsible answer. I appreciate that he asked, but can't give him permission to do that, even if it would probably would have been harmless. Am I the problem? As much as it pains me to say, no, you're right. Because if we'd have called our parents

to ask the same thing, we would have been told no. No, we would have been hit. But we didn't call. We would have been set on fire. First of all, we had no way to call. Exactly. The second thing is, and this just is, this is like wanting gas to be 89 cents again.

Everyone's got ring cameras. Everyone watches way too much news. Our communities are filled with John Wick wannabes who are just foaming at the moment. mouth for the opportunity to like go western on some kid like you just can't anymore and it breaks my heart and it makes me sad and it just is the way it is and so i hate it but it's that's the world we live in now and we so we are the part of town that i live in you know there's a facebook page of course there is and people post all the time these kids rang my doorbell and you know these

little punks ring my doorbell. You probably did it too when you were that age, but we, there was no cameras. Right. So yeah, unfortunately now it's just not. Now, I did draw, I was driving down the street the other day to work. And I literally threw both hands in the air like I just didn't care. And I cheer. I was like yell cheering.

I drove past a house. And when I tell you, it got wiped out with toilet paper. I was so happy. I mean, it was like, yes, bring back toilet papering houses. That's funny. But if a group of kids show up and they got 50 rolls of toilet paper, A, let them wrap your house for God's sake. That's what your teenagers are for to pick up that stuff. B, don't be all goofy and don't post their pictures on the Facebook page.

It's a term of, I mean, it's an action of endearment. That means your kid is loved and has friends, right? So we need to bring back toilet papering houses. The problem is now it's too expensive. Yeah, now it's $108 a roll. You know what I mean? It's like, yeah, exactly. By the way, I filled my truck up today at the gas station.

Yeah, I filled my van up the other day, and it's probably the first time I've ever just like, I mean, I've always been like, you know what, gas prices are what they are, nothing I could do about it, but I was just, holy crap. No, like, I texted my wife, and I was like, we can't eat for the rest of this month. I literally drive to work now so that I can put gas in the car to drive home. And then I was parked next to this huge truck, big old truck, and I thought, I can't even imagine how much it's costing to fill that thing up. Because it costs almost $100 to fill up my van. But you look cool riding in that van. Hey. I know, it's awesome.

And I like how you got the seats lowered so you can lean back. It's so good, dude. Hey, they see me rolling. They see you rolling. And then they, like, try to cut you off and you hop out of that car all pissed off with your deep V, and they're like, Go, go, go, go! Yeah, I did, hey, as much as I love ding-dong ditch, taping cars, they ruined it for us.

But here's the big lesson for your kid. Tell them, stop asking me. Go do kids stuff and apologize later. Jeez.