The Dr. John Delony Show - I Feel Like a Failure

Episode Date: December 28, 2022

Today, we hear from: - A man struggling after a failed business venture - A mom worried about her son who’s refusing to bathe - A previous caller on how life is going seven months sober (spoiler alert: she’s crushing it) Lyrics of the Day: "Recovery" - Eric Peters Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show.  Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp DreamCloud Churchill Mortgage Thorne Add products to your cart create an account at checkout Receive 25% off ALL orders Resources: Own Your Past, Change Your Future Questions for Humans Conversation Cards Redefining Anxiety Quick Read John’s Free Guided Meditation Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately. Learn more about your ad choices. https://www.megaphone.fm/adchoices Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. Recently, he has gotten to where he will get in the shower, just essentially rinse off, so he won't shampoo his hair. He won't wash his body. Listen, you have to understand this. From 11 to about 22, boys become allergic to soap. What's up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. Greatest mental health and marriage and relationship podcast ever, ever.

Greatest parenting show of all time. If you just keep saying it enough, it becomes the truth. Or so they say. Hey, if you want to be on this show, we talk about everything from addiction to abuse to healing from traumas to I think my marriage is over to I think I want to get married. We talk about everything. And here's my promise. I'm going to do the best I can to mix the most cutting-edge science which with My experience working with people over two decades with my academic experience and with my own personal journey walking through this mess myself

Trying to figure out how to be a dad. I promise i'm going to sit down with you I'm, not going to judge you i'm not going to be mad with you and we're going to figure out the next right thing to do And if you want to be on the show, give me a call at 1-844-693-3291. That's 1-844-693-3291. Or go to johndeloney.com slash ask, A-S-K. And we will get you on the show. And we'll go from there. Let's go to Kyle in Valparaiso.

What's up, Kyle? Hey, what's up, Dr. John? How are you doing? I'm good, my brother. What about you, man? Hey, I'm hanging in there. Life's pretty crazy, but doing all right. Thanks for calling, man.

It means a lot to me. What's up? Yeah, so almost a year ago, I left my stable yet very unfulfilling job. Just went all in on starting my own business, which was something that I always wanted to do. Also, my wife and I, we purchased our first house in March, and then we got married in September. So, because why not, you know, throw all this stuff in. Why not? Um, and we bought a pony. Anyways. Yeah. So it's my first business I've had. Um, and so it's, it's stressful and, um, I've noticed a lot of like

some unhealthy thought patterns that I've had my whole life. but they've really, like, come on strong with this, you know, this big life change. And my wife is very supportive of me. I feel very lucky to have her. Sometimes, though, I feel like with these, you know, these thought patterns, intrusive thoughts, I can push her away. So to get more into detail on that, I, I've always had like a very active mind. I've struggled a lot with intrusive thoughts, um, obsessive thinking, perfectionism. Um, and it's hard for me to control sometimes. And so like something little could come up in the day, um, let's say with my business,

like, Oh, I'm, I'm not where I think I should be, or I'm not, I'm didn't make the right choice or I'm not making enough money. I don't have enough customers. And then, you know, something little could just snowball very quickly, go from zero to a hundred very quickly. And I can't stop it. And then all of a sudden, you know, the world's ending and I want to stop, you know, quit the business because I'm failing. And so these outside things have like very strong hold on how I feel. Let me interrupt you there. I think you just need help. Let me interrupt you there.

What's that? Let me interrupt you there. You have given external people and systems and opinions that sort of grasp. Right. people and systems and opinions that sort of grasp right and this this will be the cornerstone of you either getting well are you not because if you believe that you are subject to that you are a slave to these outside things this the reports the what then you will always be spinning your wheels, duct taping over the leaks in the dam, right? You will always be trying to patch over. Well, I'm anxious over here and I'm not sleeping over here. So I'm just going to ignore this. I'm going to quit doing this. I'm going to stop talking to this person. I'll quit this job and get this job. I'll quit that job

and get this job. You're going to be moving around until you take ownership over. Huh. My body's been trying to keep me safe for a long, long time. And it does that by trying to dress rehearse tragedy, by hot trying to think of the worst thing that could possibly happen ever and reverse engineer what we need to do right now to prevent fill in the blank. There's a great quote by Viktor Frankl, I think it is, and I'll butcher the quote, but anxiety will fill as much space as you give it. And so what I would ask you is, what's the earliest you can remember these intrusive thoughts where you would just spin and spin and spin and spin and spin? Um, I mean, since I was probably like, you know, seven or eight, um, you know, I don't have like the specific examples, but I would just always be in my head and, and struggle to, to like pay attention in school, for example. Um, uh, I don't, I don't know like exactly what I was thinking about, but I could just always remember just always being in my head.

Was speaking your opinions out loud, something that was frowned upon um no not not in my not in like my house or anything but it it was it was always difficult for me like i struggled with you know self-esteem as a kid um what's the origin of that though so i'm trying to get it yeah um somebody told you either affirmatively like oh you're too small to play ball or you're not fast enough or you're military material. They told you crap like that or they didn't look at you and say, God Almighty, every day I'm so grateful that I get to be your mom, I get to be your dad, I get to be your teacher.

Yeah. I mean, my parents are awesome. They are the best parents, you know, I could ask for. Um, so I think, I just feel like, you know, the, I mean, I feel I was born with the, the, the tension issues and the, the, um, you know, the, the struggling to focus and intrusive thoughts. I mean, maybe that's not how that works, but that's what it feels like. The best way I've heard explained is from the great Brene Brown. She says, genetics loads the gun, but environment pulls the trigger.

Right. And what's beautiful about that is that you and I can both be wired up for certain things. But if it's the environment that sets these things off that means there's something in that we can control and so instead of trying to solve for the each individual anxiety i'm anxious in front of people i'm anxious for this thing i mean i want to create a non-anxious life yeah and i want to work from there and so you need to hear me say out loud rumination worrying literally solves nothing nothing absolutely nothing and it it was like a light bulb moment when i first someone first told me that i think it was a counselor friend

of mine first told me that because i my my life was like a better mind moment when someone first told me that. I think it was a counselor friend of mine first told me that. Because my life was like a better mind. Remember that movie? I was always waiting for this so that this could happen and then I could sell this and then this was going to happen. And I was talking to my wife this morning. In fact, I'm writing another book on anxiety. And this morning, my wife and I were talking about it. And I asked her, what was it like?

And she said, you always had a new thing that was going to be the final solution. And she said, I would listen to you and you were nuts. You're going to get this other job or you just needed to do this one thing so that this one person would see you so you could get this promotion and then make this much money and then it would be okay. Or I'm just going to, I'm going to go be a full vegan. I'm going to be a raw vegan and that's going to fix that. I just always had a thing and I was so confident in the thing. She said that she felt crazy and she knew she wasn't crazy, but her body told her she was. Anyway, you see what I'm saying? Like it's always this thing until I realized none of those things are going to solve a life that has nothing to anchor into. Right. So let's back all the way out. Give me the names, just the first names of two or three or four men in your life that you love and you hang out with regularly and you don't have to you said? Yep. Okay. Kyle. Okay. Um, Scott.

Um, I think that's about it. And you see those guys, those two guys regularly, once a week, once every two weeks. Not regularly. Not regularly.

I, uh, what did they say when you told them, Hey, I'm really struggling with anxiety? Um, they, hey, I'm really struggling with anxiety? I haven't told, I think I told Kyle about it. There you go. Here's what I'm getting at.

Here's what I'm getting at. You have to have people in your life that you can be honest and tell the truth to. And you don't have that. Right. You have people in your life that you protect and you take care of and you hang out with, but not people that I would consider in your tribe. Right. And my guess is if your marriage is like mine, you've begun to keep secrets from your wife about how scared you are that you quit your steady job, that you thought starting your own business, you'd be a little more successful than you are right now,

and you thought it would make you feel differently, and it hasn't. And so you sit on that because you don't want to freak her out or make her any more nervous than she already is and all that, and that creates space. And that space is called dishonesty. You're not telling her the truth. And she feels it and doesn't know what to do with it, and that space is called dishonesty. You're not telling her the truth.

And she feels it and doesn't know what to do with it, and so she tries to solve it. And she creates a whole – a world that she can survive in because she doesn't know what's happening in your world. It just feels electric in there. And your body feels that she is heading off into another direction, so it spins faster. You see what I'm saying? This whole thing creates a dance. Yeah. And so for the first time in your life, probably, you've got to find a couple of people, including her, and say the words, I'm scared. I am spinning out. My thoughts are spinning out. I'm exhausted.

And the only way I, only path forward I can see is to work faster and harder. I don't know if I got that. You have to speak these fears out loud because here's what your body will do. It will link the terror part of your brain with your frontal lobe, with the thinking part. And it will go, oh, he recognizes the threats. We don't have to keep banging on these drums in the back of his head. He's driving. He's aware.

And then you can actually start solving some of these things because the alarms will begin to go down. That's number one. That's connectivity. Number two, are you safe? Do you owe money to people? No, no. You don't owe anybody any money?

No. Okay. Do you have abusive employees are you in a unsafe business have you bitten off more than you could chew with your business no no not at all okay are y'all making money you're gonna make your make your house notes and things yeah yeah okay cool so we have more pair mortgage and stuff great so you just said you didn't owe anybody any money besides your mortgage. Who do you owe money to? Student loans, car notes, credit cards.

No student loans, cars, car notes, and a little bit of credit card. Okay. When I say, do you owe anybody any money? And you say, no, those are people you owe money to. Okay. Okay. I am convinced. I heard to okay okay i am convinced i i heard wrong i am convinced with all of my guts that our frontal lobes our thinking brain

will can understand oh this is a great purchase this is zero percent down this is a good interest rate or whatever but the our amygdala the part, I probably even go as far as say the HPA access, the entire system knows if one thing happens in this business, we don't make the car note. They come take the car. It ruins my credit. I can never borrow again. I don't have a VHC where it starts spinning out on us.

I'm convinced with all of my guts that if you owe money to somebody, your body will not let you rest because it knows at its core level that you're not safe because at any moment, this stuff goes away. And so whatever you got to do, I want you to stay on the line. I'm going to send you some stuff. I'm going to send you Financial Peace University, the class to help you get out of debt. And I know you didn't call for this, but I'm convinced that it's a marriage tool also. And it's an anti-anxiety tool also, because it's going to force you and your wife to sit down and talk through what are our goals and who do we want to become as a couple. And it's going to force you into a plan. If you choose to, you can throw it in the garbage for all I care, but it's going to force you into a plan. If you choose to, you can throw it in the garbage for all I care, but it's going to force you into a plan that's going to help you not owe anybody anything.

And it's going to let your brain finally go. And I'm telling you this as a guy that had a six-figure mortgage and six-figure student loan debts, because I got a bunch of stupid degrees. Actually, they're not stupid. I'm proud of them. I had a bunch of degrees and I had a bunch of credit card debt and I had a car note. And had a bunch of degrees and I had a bunch of credit card debt and had a car note And the difference between that guy And me now is a radically different person The stressors in my life are tenfold what they were But my body isn't constantly if we I get fired tomorrow, that'll suck But i'm not gonna miss a meal. No one's gonna come take my house away from me

You see what i'm saying? That is a different legacy That's number two So we're talking about connection We're talking about safety And the third one is autonomy Who decides what you do tomorrow? Is it you? Or is it this business that you have a business loan on?

Is it Toyota Motor Company? Who decides what you do tomorrow? Who decides? I decide. Are you sure? Can you take tomorrow off and just go spend a day with your wife? Probably not, no.

No, you can't. That means somebody else is pulling your strings. And so what I want you to do is to go down a list of who has their hooks in you, who decides what you do tomorrow. Now, and obviously tomorrow is, maybe it's a bad example. Maybe you've got a big business meeting and things like that. That's, I totally get that, but I'm talking on a global level. If your brain knows that you are not driving the car, somebody else's, you've outsourced that to a mortgage company, to a boss, to a business that you're underwater in, whatever. It's not going to let you rest.

It can't afford for you to go all the way under into deep REM sleep because you're not safe. It can't afford for you to spend time having sex. This isn't a time to reproduce. This is a time to not die, right? It's an ancient system that we got designed to keep us from getting eaten by bears, but it's running all the time, all right? So backing all the way, all the way out, here's what I've had to do. I keep, and if you're watching this on YouTube, I've got this. I've got a notebook notebook that i got you may have heard me talk about this on the show and i still carry it around with me everywhere everywhere and i've got not hundreds i've got dozens of these journals over the last decade that i've got in a in a drawer in my house in a

filing cabinet that i'm still deciding whether to give to my kids or not one day. Or just putting them in the fire pit outside. But it's a thoughts journal. And here's what I do. I keep my gratitude journal in here now. Every day I wake up and say, hey, here's five things I'm grateful for. And that's just a spiritual practice that I recommend you do. The second thing is every time your brain starts to spin out on you, stop.

Literally say out loud, nope, nope, stop, nope. And write down, is this true? Whatever the story is. So here's a good example. My daughter, I think I've told this on the show before. I kissed my six-year-old daughter on the forehead as I was walking out of the house to go to the gym at like five in the morning or something. And she turns around and yells,

I wish you never existed. All you ever tell me is that I'm smart and brilliant and beautiful. And I can't live like this. I'm not going to take it anymore. And I was like, whoa. And so I walked outside on the front porch and the first thought that came in my mind

the very first thought is Of course because you suck at being a dad You're never here. You're always on the road. You're always prepping for some talk or writing some stupid book Of course, she doesn't want you kissing on their head because you suck at this And that haunted me for about 45 seconds And then I made it down to the my basement gym And I pulled this little notebook out and I wrote down in it. You suck at being a dad period And then I looked at it and I asked myself the magic question. Is this true?

The answer is no It's not i'm a great dad. I'm a good dad. Maybe I'm not great. I'm good at it. And I work really hard at it. And in that process, I stopped the cycle before it started. The one that begins to solve for you're a bad dad and fills my body with cortisol and adrenaline. And now I'm off to the races and what do I need to do? I need to lose weight, but I can't lose weight because I've been doing this. And I got to quit my job, but I can't quit my job. You see what I'm talking about? Because you get on that road all the time, right?

So I'm going to stop that sucker on the front end because I know that ruminating and worrying is not helping my problems. And now that I know that, I'm going to consciously practice stopping that train before it leaves the station or right as it's leaving the station. And then occasionally one gets out and when it goes, I'm going to smile at it. I'm going to be curious about it. I'm going to be like, oh, there it goes. Oh boy, here we go. It's like getting stuck on a roller coaster. And like, and so it's going to go and I go, here we go. I'm going to be curious about it. I'm not going to allow myself to get anxious about being anxious again. Right?

And that's where you are. You're worried about being worried about things at this point, right? Yes, exactly. Yes. Let me ask you this last question. Is your business going to make it? I hope so.

I'm not sure. Nope. Own reality. Is it going to make it or not make it it's going to make it what's the business it is a residential cleaning business okay and so it's like uh you hire people to go clean homes? Yeah. Okay. Are you making a profit? A little bit, not much. Okay. What's the scalability? Scalability? I think it's very scalable. I'm just working on getting more clients and then so I could hire more teams. And I uh, I think it's, I mean, there's a lot of, a lot of people living here. So I think there's a lot, a lot of, um, opportunity. So here's what I want you to do. I want you to find two or three people either in the Valparaiso

or get in a car and drive a few hours to a couple of cities that are around you that are big, go over to Indianapolis. Go over to Chicago. Find somebody who runs a cleaning business. I want you to offer to buy them dinner and just say, I need some mentoring and coaching. I need you to walk me through, what does this look like? What does success look like? How have you found success in getting new clients? Or is it, it's, it's word of mouth? Is it this? Is it that? Here in the office, a whole bunch of people use the same crew. Some use it a couple of times a week because they're rich. Other people use it once a month, use them once a month month But it all is word of mouth, right?

So I sit with somebody who's doing the thing you want to do at the level you want to do it and ask them Humbly take a knee and say hey i'm into this thing up to my eyeballs. I'm starting to spin out a little bit What are the pitfalls we're going to go from here? And you're going to get some real wisdom, not from YouTube, not from you doing back of the napkin math or coming up with yet another spreadsheet and another spreadsheet. You're going to get some real wisdom from some people who've already been there. Okay. So hang on the line. I'm going to send you Financial Peace University. I'm going to send you the EveryDollar app for free

too for a year. I'm also going to send you a copy of Own Your Past, Change Your Future. I'm going to send you two copies. I want you to read one. I want your wife to read the other one. Okay. I want you all to do this together. Okay. And I'm going to send you a copy of Own Your Past, Change Your Future. I'm going to send you two copies. I want you to read one. I want your wife to read the other one. I want you all to do this together. I'm going to send you a copy of my book, Redefining Anxiety. I'm just going to load you up, brother, because I am you. I've been there. I need you to hear me say before I get off the phone, there is light at the end of this tunnel, if and only if you want it, because anxiety keeps us safe until it burns everything else to the ground. Ask yourself, do I want to be free from this?

And if you do, I got the roadmap for you, my brother. Thank you so much for the call. We'll be right back. It seems like everybody's talking about how crazy the housing market is right now and how powerless homebuyers feel. Mix that with the stress of moving and life change and job change, and you've got a tornado of anxiety fueling one of the biggest purchases you'll ever make.

This is not a good idea. So if you're a new homebuyer right now, my advice to you is to focus on what you can control, like the people you choose to help you in the home buying process. You need folks like my friends at Churchill Mortgage. Churchill is a Ramsey trusted provider that's been helping people with their home mortgages for decades.

And their home buyer edge program will help you skip a bunch of the stress. Here's how it works. Apply to become a Churchill certified home buyer and cap your interest rate for 90 days. Then you'll get a $5,000 seller guarantee to help your offer stand out. So go ahead, take a deep breath because Churchill has your back. Check them out at churchillemortgage.com slash DeloneyLoni and get the home buyer edge today. All right, we are back. Let's go to Rebecca in Clarksville, Georgia. What's up, Rebecca?

Hey, Dr. John. Thank you for taking my call. Of course. Thank you for calling. What's up? So I am a mom of three. I have two biological and one step. The one that I'm calling about is my son, who is from my first marriage. He is almost 11. So recently he has gotten to where he will get in the shower and just essentially rinse off. So he won't shampoo his hair. He won't wash his body. Listen, your other kids, are they daughters? They are. Okay, you have to understand this.

From 11 to about 22, soap is actually, boys become allergic to soap. Oh, gosh. That's fantastic to know. It burns their skin like lava. So just wanted you to know that. Just wanted you to know. Oh, gosh. Okay, so he's just getting in, rinsing off.

Are there times he gets out and you say, did you use soap? And he looks at you like you're the craziest stupid person who's ever lived. Like, oh, what? And then you feel nuts? You feel nuts? Oh, man Oh man okay I just interrupted you So he's just hosing off And then getting out what else

Yeah so absolutely I mean like he will He'll use his deodorant He'll use his body spray Oh gross hold on You have to ban body spray You have to ban it from your home Okay you promise me you'll do that

I promise None And if you married a guy that wears Axe body spray Rebecca What have you done No no no I didn't No body spray There's all kinds of health reasons why no

But But no On behalf of all those sweet middle school girls no no box that okay get away now yes gosh it's like secondhand smoke except worse okay so he does use deodorant so you have a super hygienic 11 year old let's just put that out here he already he is wearing deodorant and he is body spraying himself. What else? Um, well, I mean, really, you know, he's pretty hygienically, um, you know, safe, I guess you would say, um, you know, other than, you know, just not wanting to use soap. Um, and like, you know, of course, if I ask him, yeah, mom, of course I did. And then, you know, I feel like if I ask him, yeah, mom, of course I did. And then,

you know, I feel like the nagging mom who's like, okay, but I don't smell any soap. Right. So let me just say this. If he is getting into a shower in a residential area in Clarksville, Georgia, and just rinsing off he is cleaner than 99 of the young 10 to 11 year olds that have ever existed in the history of this planet just that okay so from a is he gonna die is he disgusting uh he's gonna be fine okay he's 11 Right. I just don't want him to be the smelly kid in class. There you go. Okay. Here's what I've had to make peace with in my own life.

Some things I can say all I want. Let me, I'll just speak about myself. My parents told me a lot of stuff. And some of it, I just had to suffer the social consequences because i did not listen mainly because i was 10 or 11 or 16 or 25 or whatever yeah but at some point someone had to say good god deloney you stink and i had to go well okay you know what i mean and i had to wear deodorant and or wash my gym clothes or whatever the thing was and so we don't want our kids to suffer social consequences they're going to they're going to um this might sound bananas okay has anyone ever showed him how to wash his armpits and how to clean,

not just like the outer shiny part of his booty cheeks, but actually wash his butt and wash his feet and wash his hair. If no one's ever shown him how to do it, it may be a, he has no roadmap for this. And for you and me, that sounds so dumb because we've taken 55,000 showers in our lifetime he hasn't and so he may just you'd be like you need to use soap and he

may look at you go I don't know what that means wash your armpits uh I watched my college roommate I won't out him which one but uh I saw him put on deodorant and I was like what are you doing how did you and here's what I realized. He wasn't an athlete. He hadn't been in a locker room with hundreds of dudes and seen a hundred different versions of how people put on deodorant and realized, oh, there's a way that works in a way that doesn't work. He just didn't have, never seen that. So I would recommend, it's going to sound awkward and weird.

And if your husband would help, that would really help. But let's just give him a run through. Let's teach him what we're talking about. Does that sound fair? It does, it does. And I mean, so prior, I guess I should have given you a little backstory. So Braven and I, it's kind of been us

since he was about three. And then I got remarried actually just this year. So he's kind of a mama's boy and I used to always, you know, go in there and sit with him while he would shower and we would talk about his day and things like that. But I had a baby in September last year. And so, you know, recently is where the change kind of happened.

So I was wondering, you know, if maybe this is like an attention thing where, you know, mama's not with him all the time now. Is that what he is missing? I mean, it could be, but I wouldn't even go down that road. Yeah. The reality is he's 10 or 11, and 10 or 11-year-old boys are not known globally for their hygienic practices. Right, right.

And so I wouldn't—you're trying to figure out a way to make this your fault. Don't do that. Mm- fault. Don't do that. Don't do that. Okay. You had a baby. You got to do what you got to do. And the dynamic of your life, your relationship with your 10-year-old has changed. It's a new dynamic.

And so if you valued that time with him when y'all used to just sit and hang out in the shower, which by the way, if he's 11, you're getting borderline. Right? So it would be time to not have shower time with mom, or he would have been talking to one of my colleagues in the next couple of years. So here's, here's the, here's your responsibility as mom. If that time was valuable to you, where do I find that time again for us? Right. And for me and my 12 year old, we go to breakfast once a week and we go to Waffle House and we hang out and he gets to see me over tip and he gets to see me how I treat the waitresses and the cooks. And so he's learning this. He's soaking all this up and I get to spend some magic time with him. And we talk about gratitude and Christmas presents and what things

mean and science. And we talk about a bunch of stuff. I also don't have two little kids that I got to deal with. And so I'm not casting that on you. That may never happen for you guys for a while. So where can you find that time? Is it a walk in the evening? Is it some kind of role? Does that make sense?

And I also, let me pass this. I'm throwing a thousand things at you. So my mind's spinning here. I had a professor, Dr. Aretha Marbley. She's one of my favorite people I've ever met in my life. She gave me this wisdom whenever we had my son, Hank, and then my wife was pregnant with Josephine. And she said, you can avoid all problems, all of them, by simply referring to your new baby as his baby. She said, just refer to him as his baby. And I was like, but it's not. She's like, just trust me. sister and his baby and how he was gonna help be a part of raising this young girl and how he was

gonna love her and show her respect and dignity and what does that mean and and now man i got a pretty amazing 12 year old when it comes to to loving and honoring and taking care of his little sister it's not perfect they're still 12 and six and God help us all, but pretty amazing. And so you teaching your son that he's got a role to play in the lives of these young kids. They won the cosmic lottery

because they got him as an older brother. And then very directly, here's what that's going to look like. So you take him out for a walk or for a breakfast or a dinner date or something once every two weeks, once a week and say, what's one or two things we can really do to show the little ones that we love them this week? What's one thing you're going to do to love your brother and your sister, right? See what I'm saying? Or your sister and your sister. Let's give him some ownership there, right? And man, that's where I would lean. Now, I want to go down one more rabbit hole with you, okay?

Okay. Nagging and complaining has never solved anything ever, okay? So let's take that out of the equation. Um, at some point the hygiene may get too much. Okay. At some point he gets to make choices in, in response to your boundaries. What does that mean? Your boundaries are, I do not take people to school who have not bathed with soap. I do not take people to the movies or to their practices that have not bathed with soap. And so if you want to choose to not do these things and thereby suffer the consequences of not choosing to do these things, great. I'm going to honor that. But you hold the cards here. And it's not your punishment. You didn't do this, so you don't get to go. I'm not going to weaponize your friendships. I'm not going to weaponize these

things. You're going to make choices. And if I go in the bathroom and the soap is still dry, completely bone dry, you haven't used it, your little floofy thing isn't just bone dry, then you've just made some choices that you're not, you don't want to go on that date that you don't want to go to the movie. You don't want to go to that birthday party. And that's totally fine. That's a choice you made. I'm not gonna fight you over it.

Right. Right. And this is a hard shift because you've been, you've been doing things for him for a long time. Yeah. Stop feeling guilty about the divorce. Stop feeling guilty about all this stuff. And let's create,

let's, let's be about raising an incredible young man. Does that sound fair? That sounds perfectly fair. Okay, one more thing. Last one, last one, last one. I feel like this is me just throwing stuff at you. This is a bougie answer, okay?

Not everybody can do this. If y'all are in a financial position where this is possible, take him with you to the store and let him pick the bar of soap and let him pick the shampoo he's going to use. Let him be a part of it. You tell him no more Axe body spray. I don't have a problem with Axe per se. No more body sprays. We're not doing body sprays. Gross. We were supposed to have body sprays. Evolution would have solved for that. I know that was a terrible answer. We were deodorant i know i know internet people um i was trying to be funny

and as i said it i realized i'm i made myself a circular argument it's not going to work just no body sprays but allow him to choose the soap allow him to choose the shampoo and so he's got some sort of ownership in this he gets he's starting to learn the choices that he gets to make right so let's give him some autonomy on the front end and then it becomes did you use your soap did you use your shampoo the one that you picked out right so he's starting to slowly recognize the weight of his choices and his decisions which is one of the greatest gifts you can give any young kid which is to slowly teach them the weight of being alive because it's heavy and the longer we carry that for them the more shock there is when they have to pay their own bills and make their own decisions and deal with their

rejections and get their hearts broken all those things which we all have to pay their own bills and make their own decisions and deal with their rejections and get their hearts broken, all those things, which we all have to do. Man, teaching them the weight of their choices at an early age. What a gift, what a gift. But you have a 10-year-old or 11-year-old that seems allergic to soap. You're all right. You're all right.

We'll be right back. All right, we are back. Oh oh man I'm super excited about this call this is an update call from the one and only Elizabeth from Roanoke, Virginia Elizabeth what are you doing? what am I doing? I'm sober I'm good

I'm sober I'm doing nothing okay so you're calling with an update What am I doing? I'm sober. I'm good. I'm sober. I'm doing nothing. Okay, so you're calling with an update seven months, right? Since you and I talked. So take us all the way back to seven months ago to now. Well, when I first called you at the beginning of the year, I was really on the fence about quitting using marijuana,

which at the time I was smoking every day for almost a decade. And I even just re-listened to that episode and I was really scared to stop. I really noticed how scared I was to stop. Why were you scared to stop? Well, I was scared because I really felt like my feelings would be overwhelming and I wouldn't be able to tolerate just feeling kind of like normal feelings. I don't think I brought this up last time. Can I just like right as you just said that, can I tell you something that just popped into my head? Yeah. You were in a civil war with yourself. You were scared of you. A hundred percent.

Wow. You were scared of you. I was. Like how you're going to respond to your husband. How you're going to respond to that boss. How you're going to respond to that person cutting you off in traffic. How you're going to respond to those childhood trauma things that you haven't dealt with? You were scared of you.

Yeah. And so I guess for a decade, weed helped you shut you up for a minute, right? Yeah, pretty much. Wow. But I was running into some problems using it. So then I was really on the fence because it wasn't really giving me relief anymore. I had a new set of problems from using, but then I had this like scary idea of what it would be to not be using. So that's when I ended up reaching out to you because I just felt like so trapped

by the decision. Yes. Okay. And what did I tell you to do? Well, I'm asking for a friend exactly well i think what what really made a difference for me was to remember that the feeling will pass and i think that that's something i still carry with me um because i had a tendency to feel like the emotion i was feeling was everything it It was like my whole world. I'm totally overwhelming. I couldn't cope with it. And forever. It's,

it's everything in forever. Yes. Yeah. And this too shall pass. Oh man. And this too shall pass is like basically making a commitment to just say like, I'll try it. And that's when I ended up following up with you after,

because I did try it and it was going well. And so now fast forward has been seven months and I'm, I'm doing great. You're still sober seven months. Yep. Wow. Okay. It is really, really rare to not have one or two or a couple of weeks of like, all right, let's let's just you know Tell me about a time Have you fallen off at all? No Not one time? Nope Wow and if I remember correctly

You're married and your husband wasn't all in And then he kind of saw how the lights were coming on for you Yeah And tell me about where he is So he took about two months off And and now he's back to using. But he has been really ambivalent about this the whole time. So I think he's still moving in the direction of stopping completely, but we do have kind of different relationships with substances

and just our backgrounds and things. So, yeah, I think he's having some more challenges, but really, really dedicated to kind of follow the path because he sees how great I've been. So this makes it even more amazing. You are somebody who is trying to quit eating sugar and you have a partner who just brings gummy candies and Twinkies into the house every day. That's extra hard. So you made a stone cold commitment. Yeah.

And I was telling you when we followed up last time, it's really, it was around like my emotional health and my mood. And like I had been dealing with depression on and off for decades. And I really wanted that to be resolved. And that's something that I really feel has been the biggest benefit of stopping using is that I haven't had one depressive episode since I stopped. What do you attribute that to? You know, I have to say that maybe taking away this up and down all the time really helps. Because when you're high, you just want to be lazy. I have to say that maybe taking away this up and down all the time really helps. Because when you're high, you just want to be lazy.

So then if you have anything to do, you're kind of pissed off. You can't just be lazy. So it's a lot of extra just being annoyed. But then the next day you're more tired. And then that makes your day harder. So then you're more likely to be stressed. And then you want to use. And it's just this kind of cycle that adds a negative. I found that it just was adding this extra undercurrent of negativity. I mean, I think that's a brilliant

insight. I would also add to that, one of the cornerstones of healing from depression is little little wins is teaching your body i can and after you figure out i can that be that morphs over time to i will and that morphs over time to i am right so i can not smoke this next five minutes and then i can do the next five minutes after that which then lets me know I will quit all the way, which then goes to a new identity, which is I'm a person who takes care of their body. I don't do that. Right? That's so true. And I really feel so strong now. And there was even times in the beginning where difficult emotions, and it was kind of like a feeling of what do I do with my hands? I'm like, I'm kind of awkward that I'm doing so well. Like, aren't I supposed to have a breakdown or something at this point? And so it was kind of uncomfortable to feel balanced, I'll admit. So you're having, it's amazing that you're saying that because I was speaking with a business

owner yesterday. I met with a group of business owners. It was a behind closed doors meeting. And one of them said, I started this practice. I started this practice. I've been running and gunning and running and gunning. This thing is more successful than I ever could have imagined. And I realized over time that I started this thing out of, I'll show you that I can do this. I can outrun my whatever. I'm going to earn my dad's blessing. I'm going to keep running and running. And she said, I don't know how to run this thing in peacetime. I don't know how to say, whoa, we're here. We're making a jillion dollars. Our business is good. We're serving people well.

This is enough for now. And she didn't have a psychology for that or a set of practices. And that's exactly what you just described. Like I know how to live out of chaos and I know how to cover up my emotions and I know how to keep the other half of Elizabeth quiet. I don't know how to just say that sucks

and then go about my day. That's a new set of skills. How have you leaned into that? How have you practiced that new set of skills? Because that's incredible, Elizabeth. Thank you. It's been tough because I was using marijuana also to just relax. I felt like I was on hyperdrive all the time.

It was the only way I could wind down. And that did just take practice. And a lot of self-talk to say like, it is okay to take a break or acknowledge my boundaries because I really wasn't acknowledging my boundaries. So now I'll be tired in the middle of dishes and be like, that's enough dishes for now. And I'll just walk away. And before that would have stressed me out, I would have pushed myself till I got irritated. And I just, I'm trying to, to prioritize the bigger things. Like finishing the dishes in one standing is not necessarily the most important thing to me. Maybe it is that I need to go take a break or respond to this phone call, step away, do something that's more fulfilling, I guess. Because I would get just like either hyperdrive and then smoke and then become like a vegetable or go ground.

So I'm trying to just find that balance. I mean, to say you're an inspiration is the understatement of the year. You're incredible, Elizabeth. Thank you. Like stopping smoking weed is hard after doing stopping anything right for that you've been doing for a decade it's hard changing that habit is hard but what i have found over time is what often sends people back is trying to get through that awkward stage of a new way of doing life it's just like you i love the way you

just said that it's like i don't know what to do with my hands like i'm just standing here and you're looking at me but it's you looking at you right and that is that that awkwardness is so new and so raw and so weird dude i'm just gonna smoke right i'm just gonna have another drink i'm you know i'm gonna have cheeseburger That will make the awkward go away. And you have, I don't want to say powered through it, but you've made peace with it. This season is going to be awkward. All right. Kind of like it's winter, so I'm going to wear a jacket.

Okay. I'm not going to fight the weather. That's a waste of my energy and time. I'll just wear a coat. Right? Exactly. And I've been really trying to work on that, like labeling what I feel. So like, for example, in the past, I would have said I'm depressed and that I would just spiraled out of control. So now I try to say like, I feel depressed right now and try to caveat it. Like,

it's just right now. Like I feel depressed right now. What do I need to do right now? And I noticed that shift in like the framing has been so powerful too. And I'll even catch myself be like, I'm stressed out. And I'm like, no, I'm not. I feel stressed right now. And it really helps shift my mentality. The great William Glasser is a famous psychiatrist. And I really like a lot of his, a lot of his, what he wrote, he would not allow his clients to use the words, I'm depressed or I'm anxious. He made them, they had to say the words, I'm depressing or I'm anxiety or I'm head aching, I'm back aching. They had to take ownership of the things their body was doing in order to keep them safe or to protect them or to keep them from feeling awkward, et cetera. And that's really similar to what you're doing. You don't say the

words, I'm depressed. You're like, nope, my body has a feeling right now. It's trying to send me a message that it would rather not be taking this phone call. Oh, we're going to take that phone call. Or I might even take the phone call right now because I don't have to, because I'm a grown up, right? You are so great, Elizabeth. Incredible. Okay. Well, thank you. Go ahead. Go ahead. So I will also remind you that this all started because at the beginning of the year, my husband and I decided that we wanted to try to have kids. And I wanted to share that I'm actually seven months pregnant. What?

Yeah. Wow. On top of everything, I've been like a hormonal mess and I'm still feeling great. Wow. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. Congratulations. Boy or girl? Thank you.

Girl. I think John's still a good name for a girl. You can make that one. Yeah. Johnette. Johnette. Yes. Johnetta.

Johnetta. Josh, if that doesn't sound like a, nevermind. I was going to make a geographical joke And I won't do that Yes John Adams sounds great I'm all in for that I'll wear that shirt Hey congratulations Congrats congrats congrats I appreciate it

Know this I'm so proud of you So proud of you And I'm excited for what comes next for you guys And okay I always have to do this and I feel like funruiner.com is that okay? when you have this baby

oh man it's going to be the most amazing wonderful thing and there's going to be a flood of I'm not enough and shame and old school drama that comes back out it's going to be incredible it's like two fire hoses at the same time. I want you to never forget. I'm with you

every step of the way. Call me anytime. Okay. All right. Thank you. I'm so, so, so proud of you. And little Johnette has won the lottery with, um, you as her mama. It's going to be so cool, man. Thank you so, so much for calling back in and checking in with us. Ah, you made my whole day. It's awesome. Seven months after smoking out for a decade every day. Says I'm done. I'm done.

And I'm going to live with the awkward. I'm so proud of you. We'll be right back. Hey, what's up? Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious or burned out or chronically stressed at some point. In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life.

Get your copy today at johndeloney.com. All right, as we wrap up today's show, hey, don't forget, please hit the subscribe button and please leave your five-star reviews. If you've got three-star reviews, do them on another podcast. But please hit the subscribe button on your podcast platforms,

on YouTube platforms. It really helps spin the sucker up into the algorithms. And most importantly, it helps other people that may never hear about the show find the show and get them help with their marriage,

help them with their kids that won't use soap. And it can help them celebrate. They're thinking about quitting drinking for the first time. They're thinking about going back home after leaving and it's going to remind them of somebody like Elizabeth's recovery journey. So please hit your subscribe button.

It really helps other people out. Thank you so, so much. As we wrap up today's show, my good friend, one of my best friends here in Nashville and incredible songwriter, his name's Eric Peters Eric Peters and he wrote a song way back in I think late 2001 songs called recovery and it's a shout out to Elizabeth here it is it's songs called recovery by Eric Peters he writes I found recovery in a dark and dreary cell, chained to a corner, the stench of sin, the smell.

I fed myself portions of less than remains, and I slept in the waste of fraudulent claims. And I found myself clinging to my odds, working to narrow the gap between the broad, locked like a slave to the pillar that's my pride. At the admission of my failures, you allowed my past to die. Held for the healing, I found recovery. I found recovery. Hold for the healing. Hold me for the healing because I found, I found recovery. And hey,

if this show is for nothing else, it's for that, that together we're going to find recovery. We'll see you soon.