The Dr. John Delony Show - I Feel Like I Suck at Everything I Do and I’m Just Tired of Life

Episode Date: November 12, 2021

The Dr. John Delony Show is a caller-driven show that offers real people a chance to be heard as they struggle with relationship issues and mental health challenges. John will give you practical advice on how to connect with people, how to take the next right step when you feel frozen, and how to cut through the depression and anxiety that can feel so overwhelming. You are not alone in this battle. You are worth being well—and it starts by focusing on what you can control. Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show. We want to talk to YOU!   Show Notes for this Episode I feel like I suck at everything I do and I'm just tired of life My husband has had 3 affairs and I think he's at it again Email: Email: Emotions vs. Actions and how to control them Lyrics of the Day: "Take a Little Time to Smile" - Peggy Lee   As heard on this episode:  BetterHelp dreamcloudsleep.com/delony Conversation Starters Redefining Anxiety John's Free Guided Meditation Ramsey+   tags: special needs, parenting, kids, depression, anxiety, infidelity, marriage   These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.

On today's show, we talk to a father of five, husband who's just worn out. We talk about loneliness and what he can do next. And we also talk to a young woman whose husband is a serial cheater. She doesn't know what to do next. Stay tuned. What up, what up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. So glad you're with us

talking about mental health and relationships and life and whatever else. And I'm just looking at myself in this return monitor here. I need a haircut so bad. I look like it's 1975. Is it not like starting to just poof out? It's like I put my thumb in my mouth and blew real hard and it just went and just shot out like a chia pet.

Today has got to be a haircut day. We should get a deal with Supercuts. No? Not a lot of love? Not a lot of support faces in there? I've been going to the same barber forever. That's cool. Well, hey, enough about my incredible haircut here. I'm so glad you're with us.

If you want to be on the show, 1-844-693-3291. It's 1-844-693-3291. Go to johndeloney.com slash ask. Make sure you scroll down. Go to johndeloney.com slash ask. Make sure you scroll down. Go to johndeloney.com, scroll down, join our newsletter. We are sending out all kinds of fun goodies and shenanigans and exciting things and fun. And I won't even talk about my haircuts and those things. So let's go right to, oh, before we go, this first caller is from Houston.

This is kind of weird filming the show because when it airs, we will know the outcome of my beloved Astros who have redeemed themselves from their cheating episodes. You guys know I love redemption. I'm playing the Atlanta Braves and I expect them to win in four to five games, the Astros, because they rule and the Braves

drool. So let's go to Rick. I guess I'm seven. Hey, Rick, what's up, brother? Hey, can you hear me? Yeah, I can, dude. H-Tone! Hey, I'm just shouting out Houston here. Go Astros. I don't know if they're gonna... Who knows? But hey, man, so what's up? How can I help?

Alright, 45 married, five kids, happily married, one kid, special needs needs and he's awesome um so uh work very active with the kids coach doctor appointments parent teacher conference you know definitely you know all-in cook you know i feel like i'm very active i think my wife would agree that i'm a very hands-on always getting always helping okay my problem is and i want to say hold on i want to do thank you because you your show you taught me what anxiety is and how that can lead to depression

yep and so i was always thinking i was like well i'm just a down guy but i was really experiencing a lot of anxiety so i thank you for that you got it brother thanks for listening and so i was reading up i've been reading up on that well anyway um, and so I get down in the dumps because, or I get excited cause I suck at everything I do. Um, it seems like I suck when I help out the kids. It sucks when I coach their teams. I suck at work. Um, I suck when I make dinner. I, uh, I mean, it seems like I, when I make dinner. I mean, it seems like when I drive the car, my wife's always correcting me. And I'm just worn out. And I just get, like, I can't think, you know, I look to the future, and I don't get excited about anything anymore. I'm just, and I'm not like physically worn out.

I'm like mentally worn out. Yeah. And, and I guess I get in what really gets me just throws me for a loop is when like, I got to go to like, you know, the latest test result on my child's, you know, cognitive disability and stuff like that. And I just hate those. Yeah. And I'm just like, you know, because during, you know, life, you know, I run, we run, we play, we goof around, we go to the store, we tell jokes. And, uh, and I get real angry, I guess when someone puts, uh, and I get, it just kills me when someone puts a score on a piece of paper that tells me,

or is supposed to tell me like what he can't do or what his limitations are. And it takes me like about a month. And so what I started doing is I started, you know, and I get that something's wrong with me. And so I started writing. I start writing down my concerns, and I start, you know, charting them. So, like, diet and everything, alcohol intake, I try to track like, is there, you know,

what am I doing or not doing that may make me vulnerable to getting down? And so changing my diet, changing workouts and all that stuff changing what I watch changing how much I read and stuff, changing how much sleep I get but really what it is, it's just it's, I just feel like I'm always

I'm never good enough in anything I do and my wife would say I do a lot. Yeah. Who told you you're not good enough? Well, just the feedback. I mean, as much as my wife asks me to do stuff, she's, you know, once I do it, she's always telling me how I should have done it differently. Once I, you know, I go to work and I feel like I got to say yes to stuff, and I do, and I just get overwhelmed. It's the product I put out.

I don't like it, but it's like I have to get it done. And then my kids, they're always, I didn't do this right in the game, or I should have done this, or I didn't want to go to the doctor. You didn't tell the doctor this, or I wanted this outfit and you didn't give me, and it's just like, oh God, you know, it's just like, I tell you, man, it's like, I know this is horrible. It's like, man, you know what? Maybe one day I'm just going to get cancer or something, and I don't want to worry about this anymore.

And so that's it. And so I need tips on how to constructively... One, I think I need to... It's my thinking or the way I look at the world, and how do I... Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on number one this is the bravest phone call I've received in months

so you can walk through today thinking that you're going to suck at everything you didn't suck at this okay, and you've listened to this show enough to know I don't lie to people this is the bravest phone call I've received in a long time Okay, and you've listened to this show enough to know I don't lie to people. This is the bravest phone call I've received in a long time.

And what you need right now is not a new diet or a new program or a couple of tips. My guess is you are real, real lonely, and you have been for a long, long time. Am I right or wrong? Yeah, I move around a lot, so I don't get a chance to have buddies. So here's what I hear a guy who the world is lucky to have because you understand duty and you understand responsibility and you've made it your life mission to serve those around you. And you've done all of that at the expense of you. and when you don't have deep-rooted relationships, when nobody's ever said, you know what? My life is better because of you.

I'm so glad that I get to have Rick as my son. Nothing in the world makes me happier than waking up knowing that Rick is my kid. When no one says says I could have married any Yahoo. God, I'm so glad I chose Rick. When you don't have buddies saying that's seriously what you're going to wear, you look like an idiot, but come anyway. You're paying, you're paying, or you run to the bathroom and someone's paid for all the beers at the table. When you live life untethered, and this isn't a knock on you,

this is the world that you were shot out of, you can chase all of the quote unquote right things to do down and you get to that moment when you're in your early 40s, your late 30s, and you just say, dude, I'm exhausted, I'm out. Because you're in your early 40s, your late 30s, and you just say, dude, I'm exhausted, I'm out. Because you're unanchored.

It's like sprinting in the pool. You don't go anywhere, but you are just running, running, running, running. Who told you as a kid that Rick sucks? That's a message that has been in your life for a long, long time. I don't know. You know. You know. What?

Who told you that? I mean, I don't know. Maybe life, you know? No, no. Somebody either told you that, hey, dude, you suck, or somebody never said anything. Maybe in swimming. I don't know.

I was trying to be a good swimmer. Your folks were great? They did the best they could. They don't need you to protect them. They were awesome. I don't want to... Everyone blames their parents. No, I'm not. We I don't want to everyone blames their parents no

I'm not we're not blaming anything all I'm doing is just trying to I want you to see that your moment in time right now is A something that you can absolutely heal from and two

I don't want you to think it is just I need to quit eating apples and start eating oranges. That this is a thread that's run through the tapestry of your life. And so let's do this. Don't have to talk about your folks. That's cool. But you and I both know that this thread has been there for a minute.

And you started the call by saying how great your marriage is. It's not. And I've had seasons where I've been in a bed with somebody who I know loves me, but I felt completely and totally on my own. That's loneliness, man. And you can roll your eyes and be like, bro, dude, it's not loneliness. I just need the right. It's not.

I'm telling you. What's, what's going on in your marriage, man? I mean, I mean, I look, I, I desperately love and need my wife, but I guess, you know, she's also works, got kids and is married and probably stresses about, you know, special needs and all that stuff. But, um,

and so, you know, really, I can't burden her with stuff that she can't do anything about. Brother. So, I mean, I don't want to bring her down or something like, you know, or just, I want to bring her up. Listen, man, you're not going to bring her up by making sure the trash is out. You're going to bring her up by saying, here is all of me.

And when you protect her from herself and you hide parts of yourself, the parts that are dying on the vine, the parts that are in a black hole, she feels that she's not getting the full you. And you know what she does? She defaults to the things that she knows, which is nitpicking and complaining and nagging and reaching out. That is her broken attempt to reach across that gap that she feels between the two of you. And she doesn't have the words to say,

I'm not okay either. And so it comes out in pokes and prods and this is, and what about that? And are you serious? And you double down with the thing that you know, which you've been told since you were zero, which is you're not a human being. You're a human doing.

Go do better. And at this point, your body's saying, dude, I'm out. I can't keep doing this. And what I believe with all of my heart is that y'all ran a lot, y'all running a life with no margin, none. And I'm not talking about financial margin, even though that may be the case, y'all may be stressed financially. It may be time margin. Five kids is a lot in a house, especially with two working adults. That's just a lot. It's a chaotic season. And then somebody throws a grenade in the middle of your living room, which is a special needs kid, which takes extra responsibilities, which everyone's got some stupid opinion on. Everyone's going to tell you what happened, why, and what you need to be doing. You should be doing that. You should be doing that.

And then there's no margin. There's nowhere left to go. There's no relational cushion to fall onto. And so you both try to solve this problem in the ways that you've tried to solve every problem throughout your whole life. And what I'm trying to ask you to do is this. That's not working to try something new. And you are not a burden, Rick. Your hurt is not a burden. Your exhaustion is not a burden. It's a gift.

And that's what she signed up for. And that's what you signed up for. And by the way, she's burdened too. And I'm with you, man. If I, there was a season, if I got one more test or one more call on one of my kids, I was going to lose my mind. And I don't talk about that stuff publicly. And finally, my wife and I said, we know this kid better than anybody. And we still have support resources and all that. But I tell you what, it's when we flip their head, just like you're talking about, that things did get better. And I don't know what the disabilities with your kid, that's a whole other phone call. But the key there was my wife and I were together on that. And what I can't recommend strongly enough, dude,

you sound like, like, what do you do for a living? Engineering. Okay. This is going to sound so cheesy and so ridiculous, and I'm a lifelong Texan too, man. So I'm just speaking to the choir here. You're a guy who solves problems. You're a guy who looks for what is broken

and you fix it and then you move on. And what I'm telling you is this is not a matter of something being broken. This is something different. This is something that needs healing from the inside out. And unfortunately, that healing doesn't start with lifting heavier weights.

This healing starts with you grabbing both of your wife's hands and taking her out somewhere and saying, I'm exhausted and I haven't been honest with you for a season and I don't know what to do.

Well, what if she doesn't know what to do? Then you don't. So we have two people that don't know what to do. Well, what if she doesn't know what to do? Then you don't. So we have two people that don't know what to do. That's the guy who's trying to solve a thing, to fix it like this is an engine, and it's not. Then what you do is you both say, you both smile and go, we've got a new adventure ahead of us.

And what I will tell you is if you will submit to that, that's the word vulnerability, brother. That's rolling over and saying, I could get hurt in this, but me not being honest about how much I'm hurting, how much I'm drowning, trying to keep everybody around me happy. Do you even like being an engineer? Have you ever asked yourself that question? No. What do you want to do? I don't know. I'm too beaten. I mean, I can't even think about that stuff anymore.

You know, life happens. It does. It does. But you know what else happens? Rick. How come you've given up on Rick? I'm just, I don't think about that. I just, I don't want my kids in 20 years calling into a radio show like yours, complaining that their parents didn't do this or their dad didn't do that.

I mean, that's... They won't. You know what they're going to call in? They're going to call in and say, I never knew my dad. And I always knew that dad wasn't happy. And I've spent my life trying to figure out what it was about me that he wasn't happy. Okay. The greatest gift you can give your kids

is to be true to yourself. And not in some, I'm going to quit my job and join the theater and run away into a circus. That's not what I'm talking about. The greatest gift you can give your kids, look at a quarterback, dude. The greatest gift a quarterback can do is sit out two games and heal his knee.

If he keeps running around on the field and saying, dude, I'm a quarterback, I got to be here, he plays not great. And then that knee gets worse, the team doesn't do as well. And it's better for everybody to stop for a second and get well. And you've got to take your engineering brain off. And if you can't, that's totally fine. You got to sit down with somebody who doesn't have an engineering lens, who's got a healing lens. And I can hear it on you, man. You know

this is the right thing, but you also have 45 years of this is the way we solve stuff. You grit your teeth and you suck it up and you go get it done. Yes. And I'm with you on that. And if you look at our country,

this is year number five in a row where we are dying younger in the United States of America from diseases of despair, addiction, suicide, and organ disease failures, like lung disease and liver failure. We are playing a long tail suicide. And this grit your teeth and smash it and pull yourself up and solve it is getting us nowhere. Got us a lot of really shiny toys. it's also got a generation of men just like me and just like you and brother I'm speaking to the choir here I had a four hour meeting with a doctor this Saturday, this past Saturday and it was hard

because he looked at my genetics and he looked at my blood it's the most invasive blood test I've ever been a part of I'm going to do a special on that in the new year on it and he said if you continue to live like this it'm going to do a special on that in the new year on it. And he said, if you continue to live like this, it's going to be a short ride. And he was looking at my genetics. I couldn't deny him, but he could look at my blood and say, you're not okay. And I'm a guy who tells people what to do for a living. So I'm speaking to the choir here. Okay. All right. I need you to hear me when I say this. You, Rick, are worth having your home be a

safe place. You, Rick, are worth a good night's sleep. You, Rick, are worth getting home and your wife gives you that side eye, dude, and you know it is going to be on. You are worth getting home and your wife gives you that side eye, dude, and you know it is gonna be on. You are worth getting home and going, I don't even know what to say to that kid. And your wife going, I don't either. And you're worth a nine-year-old rolling their eyes at you and it doesn't ruin your soul because you don't suck at everything.

I refuse to believe that. I think you're exhausted, man. And I think you're absolutely, totally alone. And I want you to solve a relationship, and that's going to start with you and your wife. And I'm going to be real honest with you, brother. I think you need to call a counselor and say, I don't even know why I'm here. I'm an engineer. I just know that the way I'm trying to solve this puzzle hasn't been working.

And that, my friend, is the greatest gift you can give your incredible five kids. And when it comes to your special needs kid, you're exactly right. Don't let anybody tell your kid he's less than, he's broken, he's dumb. Laugh, take him with you, enjoy your life. Raise that kid and let him know he is loved, loved, loved. And accept the services that are necessary,

but don't let them dictate your life. Rick, this is the bravest call I've had. I'm grateful for you. I challenge, I dare you to take your wife out, hold her hands, look across the table and say, I'm exhausted and I'm sorry, I don't know what to do next. I dare you to go call a counselor in Houston and say, I need some help. I dare you to take my friend Ken Coleman's, in fact, we'll send it to you for free,

his career assessment. What do you actually want to do, man? And by the way, my mom started going to college. She was in her 40s and became a professor in the back half of her life. Dude, you're halfway done, man. You got halfway to go. Our community, our kids, everybody needs you, man. You're worth it.

Step into it. We'll be right back on the Dr. John Deloney Show. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. All right, October is the season for wearing costumes and masks. And if you haven't started planning your costume yet, get on it. I'm pretty sure I'm going as Brad Pitt in Fight Club era because, I mean, we pretty much have the same upper body, but whatever. All right, look, it's costume season. And let's be honest, a lot of us hide our true selves behind costumes and masks more often than we want to.

We do this at work. We do this in social setting. We do this around our families. We even do this with ourselves. I have been there multiple times in my life and it's the worst. If you feel like you're stuck hiding your true self, I want you to consider talking with a therapist. Therapy is a place where you can learn to accept all the parts of yourself, where you can learn to be honest with yourself, and you can take off the mask and the costumes and learn to live an honest, authentic, direct life. Costumes and masks should be for Halloween parties, not for our emotions and our true selves. If you're considering therapy, I want you to call my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy. You can talk with your therapist anywhere so it's convenient for your schedule.

You just fill out a short online survey and you get matched with a licensed therapist. Plus, you can switch therapists at any time for no additional cost. Take off the costumes and take off the masks with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash deloney to get 10% off your first month.

That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Deloney. All right, we are back. I'm going to take a breather off that last call, man. I cannot tell you the number of men I talked to behind closed doors, on the phone, via email, who come up here and visit me in Nashville, who are going through what Rick's going through. Man. It's that exhaustion. It's that everybody in their life wants more and more and more.

And by the way, I hear this from moms too. Guys usually are quiet. They just shut up and they just zone out or they drink five beers. They stare in front of their TV or they're 40 and they still play video games or whatever. But man, everybody is just done. When you feel like you're just done, I want you to circle back to two important things. Number one, relationships, man. You got to have people in your life. And if you're married, you got to reach across that table and say, I miss you.

I love you. I don't know what to do next, but I can't keep doing it like this. And the second thing is you got ask yourself What do I want? I get one precious Tiny little life What do I want? I want people to quit judging my kids Great

I want people to quit Asking me to do things at work That I hate doing Great Solve it Solve it. Solve it. It's too late.

I can't. It's not. It's not. It's not. It's not. It's not. Go to nursing school. Go to med school.

Go to start a lawn business. I don't care what you do. What do you want? This is not a license to leave five kids and go, like I said, to go join the circus. Be like, I've always wanted to be a screenwriter. I'm moving to LA. Don't do that. But what do you want? And so many people who have made partner with their law firm and they hate it, or they're in their 14th year of being a medical doctor and they hate it and they're trapped by their big house or I'm supposed to only drive these kind of cars. What do you want?

You get one shot. And for those who think, man, I don't want to throw up a big mess because my kids are going to, your kids are already in it. They know mom and dad are disconnected. They know that mom and dad are disconnected. They know that mom and dad aren't happy. And what I'm telling you is your kids try to solve it. And if kids have pictures of people whining, they're going to whine. If people have pictures of trying to solve things through complaining or avoiding or just gritting your teeth, they're going to try those things. That's all they know. Man.

Man, oh, man, oh, man. You're worth more. Everybody listening, you're worth more. I was going to Mary in Tyler, Texas. Hey, Mary, what's going on? Oh, nothing much. Thank you for taking my call. You got it.

So what's going on? How can I help? Okay, so about two years ago, I found out that my husband was having an affair with someone who lived in the same neighborhood as us. Okay. And whenever we found out, he came clean. We went to counseling. How did you find out? I found out because the woman's husband found out and let me know.

Whoa. How was that phone call? Intense. And it wasn't even a phone call. It was the word cheater written out in my front yard. Whoa. That's how I found out. And he ended up, the husband ended up calling me that night, telling me everything because she admitted everything to him. Well, recently, I have reason to think that they're seeing each other again, even though my husband's claiming that they're not. He's denying it every time I bring it up. And at this point, I just don't know what to do. What makes you think he's doing it again? Because I have him on an app where I can see where he goes and I've seen that he was at her

house. So I'm laughing at all of it. So you have him on a digital leash, basically. Exactly. Does he know this? Yes. He's the one that I to do it because our counselor, our marriage counselor, recommended it. And he said, yeah, I want to do it. And he did it. So when you show him this app, what is he like, nah, nah, man. Nah, the dog ate my phone and just ran over there. Like, what's he saying? He's saying that it was a glitch in the app. He don't trust the app. Mary, Mary, Mary. He's had other affairs, hasn't he? Yes.

This is the fourth affair that we have since we've been married. Oh my gosh. What are you doing? Exactly why I'm calling you. I don't know. You do. What is it about you that you don't trust?

There's a glitch in the app? What are you saying, Mary? And then every time it's like I feel disconnected and he swears I'm going to change it. I wasn't there. I wasn't there. He's not. He's I'm going to change. I wasn't there. He's not. He's not. Going to change.

He's not. He's not going to change. And I don't know why you have so little value in Mary, but I want you to know, I've only talked to you like for three minutes and I like you. I want you to know I've only talked to you for three minutes, and I like you.

I think you're pretty fun. And I think you're probably really smart, and I think you've been living with a gaslighter and an absolute pathological liar and someone who has absolutely no regard for your happiness or your heart or your marriage vows

or anything related to you. That's what I think. And I think you are worth way, way more than following your husband around on a phone like he's a video game and then having him explain there's a glitch in the matrix. Whatever, dude. You know that's nuts. So what do you do next exactly

we have three kids together but listen you didn't do this you didn't do this this happened to you and you've boxed yourself into a corner where if I respond to this, I blow this thing up. Am I right? Correct.

Because a lot of times I see stuff and I just keep it to myself. I know. And I was just talking to myself before I took this call. You're not keeping it to yourself. Because those three little ones are absorbing every second of this. Do you have girls or boys? Two boys and one girl. You want them to grow up with this model of what a man looks like?

No, not at all. Do you want them to ever do this to another woman what's being done to you? Never. Do you want your daughter to do this to another woman, what's being done to you? Never. Do you want your daughter to understand that this is what love looks like? No. Do you want a man to ever treat her like you're being treated? No, never. There's a period at the end of that sentence.

And you know this Mary do you have any sort of family support any sort of friend or community support where you live yes I have lots of family support okay and I have a lot of family that's telling me I need to just get out now. Why aren't you? I'm so afraid for my kids.

What are you afraid of? I don't want them to have to grow up in two homes. They are in two homes inside the same house. It's making them crazy. They're already there. Yeah, you're right. They're already there. I'm so sorry.

And it's so hard. Yeah. So hard. I'm so sorry and it's so hard yeah so hard and you've done everything you possibly can for the last however many years haven't you yes and he tells me every time he's going to change he's going to make things better he's going to be more present

but it's hard to think how can you be more present with us whenever you have any second of thought about another woman? It's deeper than that. It's deeper than that. I mean, it's kind of about her, but it's

not. You take care of everything. You take care of the food. You take care of the home. You take care of the kids. He can just go do whatever he wants to with whoever he wants to. None of the rules apply to him, man. You're right.

This is number four, number five. You know what I mean? Like nothing's ever stuck. Something about the future terrifies you. And I think it's because you don't think you're worth it. I think he put that in my head. Possibly. My guess is it's probably before that.

Maybe I'm wrong. Somebody else put that in there. I think it's about the kids a little bit, just because it's the picture's different, right? You don't want to be a statistic. You are going to be the one. Are your parents divorced? Are they together? Together. Yeah. So you've got a picture of family and you want that picture. And so you're grieving the fact that that picture is going to be different for you than you had set out to.

And I get that. But I think it's deeper than that. I think you're terrified of asking yourself, what do I want? You feel like a sucker for keep coming back and keep coming back, and now you've trapped yourself into a loop. And what I want to tell you is you're worth more than this. You're worth being loved recklessly. Somebody wakes up every day and just thinks about you, and they go to sleep every night just thinking about you.

And they wake up every day saying, how can I make Mary's life incredible? And that frees you to think, well, how can I make his life incredible? Yes. And somebody who's safe and somebody I don't got to worry about every time I sleep with my husband, I might be catching something from somebody else. And

every time I go outside to get in my car, I'm worried about there being another sign on my front yard from some angry man who my husband has gone into his home. It's just such an exhausting way to live, isn't it? It is. Yeah.

It's never, you never have any peace. No. And you know what you deserve? Peace. You know what your kids deserve? When's the last time you fully exhaled? Your shoulders are up right now. I can feel them.

Yeah, you're right. They are. Can you drop them for me? Just take a deep breath and exhale. I just feel whenever I go through these things, I just get disconnected from myself, from my kids. You do. Because for some reason, somebody told you that what Mary feels is not real.

What Mary feels and what Mary wants isn't worth listening to. What Mary feels, what Mary thinks, what Mary says is kind of dumb to the point that you're even wondering, huh, maybe there's a glitch in the app of my serial cheater husband. Like you thought that for a minute. Yeah. And then when somebody like me says it back to you, you hear how crazy that sounds.

It's true, it does. And then you feel crazy for feeling crazy. And so hear me say, you're not crazy, Mary. And you tried real, real hard, and I'm so sorry. And I will never tell somebody, except in extreme abuse situations, that they got to get out of a marriage. I don't want you to hear me say that. But what I am telling you is

you are worth way more than the crap you're dealing with now. And I think behavior is a language and the language you have received over and over is you are second or third or fourth or fifth place. You aren't worth telling the truth. You're not worth being around to. You're not worth the thoughts you think

or the feelings you feel and neither are my kids. Yes. And he does do this, though. Whenever we have these conversations, he does like to say, no, but that's not really how you feel. This is how you feel. That's called gaslighting. When's the last time you talked to a counselor?

So I was going to a counselor for the first affair right before I found out about it because I was suspecting something, but I didn't know how to process it. So I started going to a counselor and I didn't tell him and he was furious that I was going and made me stop.

So it was probably about two and a half years ago. Are you going to stay or are you going to go? I think I need to go. You've been thinking that for a long time. Are you going to stay or are you going to go? I'm going to go. You've been thinking that for a long time. Are you going to stay or are you going to go? I'm going to go. When you say those words out loud and your heart's broken and you weep bitterly, that doesn't mean it's the wrong decision. That means your body may exhale for the first time and release all that stuff that's been holding for a long, long time.

And if you choose to stay, I'll be here. Okay? Okay. Your family still loves you. But he's not going to change. There's no reason to change. He has no reason to change at all, ever. He's got a free ride.

That's what people say. And the thought of staying just feels heavy. Of course it does. Because your body's under attack. It's at war. It's exhausted. It's tired of wondering, am I going to catch a disease? Am I going to get, are you going to find you dead in the front porch?

Are my kids going to turn into this? Right. Right. When our feelings and our thoughts are just compressed and compressed and compressed and shoved and shoved and shoved into a tiny little pocket in the back of our soul, the hand motion there is just it compressing. Another word for compress, it just depresses everything. And you've been in fight or flight or freeze for so long, you don't even know what it's like to breathe, to laugh from your guts. You don't know what it's like to guy walk in, and have your heart flutter again.

Because every time a guy walks into your house, your heart sinks. Yeah. Every time you get a text message, you don't think, you think, you think, And I'm tired of seeing him get text messages and wondering who they are. Of course. Absolutely.

When's the last time you said that sentence out loud? I don't even know. Exactly. You got a lot of things left unsaid over the last few years, Mary. And you need to sit down

with somebody and start saying them out loud. Whether that's your friend, whether that's your family, whether that's a counselor, whether that's your family, whether that's a counselor, whether that's a lawyer. But I need you to hear me say, you are worth more than this.

Those two little kids are worth more than this. The decision's yours, sister, and we're going to be with you every step of the way. I'm going to holler back at me, let me know what you decide to do and how that goes. And if you decide to go, I want you to make sure you've got people rallied around. You're going to be surprised when people show up with a moving van to this one. My guess is you've got friends and family that are waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting for you to make that call. They will be over there and clear that house out in 30 minutes.

Or they will take all his stuff and set it in the neighbor's yard where evidently he really, really wants to be. Thank you so much for the call, Mary, for your bravery. Time for you to make a decision, hon. I will be with you every step of the way. We'll be right back on the Dr. John Deloney Show. Hey, what's up? Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious or burned out or chronically stressed at some point. In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life.

Get your copy today at johndeloney.com. All right, we are back. I got an awesome email from Heidi. And she didn't tell me what town she's from, so I'm gonna make it up. Heidi is from, I don't know. Where's a fun town? I just thought of Lancaster, Pennsylvania.

That sounds great. What were you thinking? Where's that? Steubenville? Steubenville. It's from that thing you do. That's what made me think of it. Oh, that show?

No, the movie. The movie? The film? The feature film. The old T. Hanks movie? That thing you movie. The movie? The film? The feature film. The old T. Hanks movie? That thing you do. Steubenville, Ohio. I got an awesome email from Heidi in Steubenville, Ohio.

Which, is it Steubenville? Steubenville. It might be Pennsylvania. They're from Erie, Pennsylvania. James, in his off time, is a geography teacher too, which is cool for all of us. And that's where Heidi's from. It is Ohio, Kelly said. It's Ohio.

You can always think Professor Kelly coming in and letting us know what's actually true. Here's what Heidi writes. I'm subscribed to your newsletter. Congratulations, Heidi. You are smarter than the average stupid villiate. And I read your article on emotional intelligence. I take back what I just said,

which was insightful and helpful. Is there anything you would add, emphasize, or focus on when teaching young children about the emotions they are feeling and navigating them? I have a four and a two-year-old, and we talk about our feelings and emotions. It's extremely helpful. But I'm curious to hear your take on it and experience.

Awesome question, Heidi. Here's my thoughts. You can go to johndelaney.com and get this article on emotional intelligence and actually what it is. And it's just been so nonsense-ified. Is that a word? Nonsense. Just so much jargon and trash around it on the internets and out in the books and whatever. Here's how I delineate this. Emotions are just your body's response to stimuli. There's so much jargon and trash around it on the internets and out in the books and whatever.

Here's how I delineate this. Emotions are just your body's response to stimuli. That's it. So you walk into a room and suddenly your body releases a bunch of chemicals saying this room's not safe. Your husband walks into the house and you see him. You can just tell he's walking about three inches taller. He looks good. Your body surges.

I like this. Or your wife comes home and throws her purse on the hook and you can see by how she's carrying her body posture. And your body floods itself with chemicals, right? It's just your body's response to stimuli. Hey, you just crossed the finish line or you just saw somebody fall, right? It's your body's instant response. Feelings are the labels we put on those responses. I'm excited. I'm fired up. I'm so relieved. I'm full of joy. I'm pissed off. It's the labels we put. It is these, you know, it's just the words we use to describe things, the way we feel.

And so emotions, by the way, I use those interchangeably because the delineation is an academic exercise. It's a waste of time. Emotions or feelings, just use them interchangeably. 99.98% of us can get by our time. Emotions or feelings, just use them interchangeably. 99.98% of us can get by our lives by just saying emotions or feelings, same thing. Who cares? So emotions, feelings are great for communicating information. They are terrible operating instructions. What do I mean by that? You walk into a bar, you see somebody across the room and they're attractive. Your body

floods itself with she's attractive chemicals. And then you feel like I'm going to go over there and flirt with her. I'm going to go over there and kiss her. I'm going to go there and buy her a drink. I'm going to go over there and, cause I feel like moving that way. If you're married, terrible decision. If that person doesn't want you around, terrible decision. If it's late and you need to get home, terrible decision. So feelings are signals. They are terrible directors. That's what we need, our brains, our frontal lobes, to help us make decisions.

Most of us go straight to driving down the road. Somebody cuts us off. We have an emotional response, which is our body floods itself with chemicals. Then we get angry and we create a story. We feel angry. We create a backstory about, like, that guy cut us off

and now I'm going to put myself in more danger by clenching my fist around the wheel really tight. I'm going to drive two inches from their bumper and I'll show them, even though if we actually get in a wreck, it's just going to rear end them. It's going to destroy my car and probably my face. Bad decisions. So what I want adults to do and kids is if you can just take the gap, is what I call it, from when my body responds to when I feel a thing and action or saying something. If you can take that gap, that's what mindfulness training does. That's what meditation does. It helps us control those thoughts, those feelings that shoot into our mind and say, they did it because

of this, or I'm angry, or I'm in love, or I'm no longer in love, or she's beautiful, I'm going over there, even though I've got three kids and a wife at home. I can pause in between and go, what's my body trying to tell me right now? And is this a good idea? Is this the right response? So emotions happen instantly. Feelings happen instantly. Fear. That guy cut me off.

I feel angry. And then I pause and go, is anything I do next other than let the wheel go, say a quick prayer for that guy. I hope he's getting to the ER okay. Anything other than that is a choice to be miserable, a choice to be less happy, a choice to put myself in further risk, either long-term cardiovascular risk or short-term, I'm going to get in a car wreck risk, or I'm going to flip him off. I'm going to drive like crazy. So I get next to him and flip him off. And then maybe he's going to shoot me, but I'll show him, right? Anything other than, oh, that guy's in a hurry, man.

Hope he's okay. Hope his family's okay. And then I'm just driving down the road now. My heart rate goes down. That's emotional intelligence. I just got angry at work and I'm gonna take a breath and not respond. I just got an email and I'm not gonna take a breath and not respond. I just got an email, and I'm not going to read it until tomorrow.

So when it comes to kids, yes, yes, yes, yes. The earlier we can teach our kids that they can, A, feel their feelings, and B, choose to do other things than what their feelings are telling them, we are creating a generation of human that is mature, that is wise, that doesn't respond to stimuli, bam, bam, bam, bam, all day long. They can go, huh, that person's really angry with me. I'm going to go this way. Whoa, that person wants to fight me. I'm just going to go on this side of school, on this side of the hallway, because I'm not going to go to jail.

Even though I trained in mixed martial arts and my dad's had me in jiu-jitsu classes as a little kid, I'm not, I don't need to prove myself here. I proved myself at the gym. I proved myself a person of honor and integrity at home. I'm not going to fight him. I'm not going to cuss that guy back. I'm not going to fight him. I'm not going to cuss that guy back. I'm not going to lie back. I'm not going to, even though that person's beautiful and I'd love to get to know him,

I'm married. I think it's probably good if I go home. That's what we're doing. We're creating a world of kids. So how does that work in real time in my house? We're not creating a world of kids. We're creating a world of people who think and then act responsibly, not responsibly. Oh, my gosh.

Responsible, not responsive. I thought I had some there. It's not there. Here's what that looks like with my kids. When my daughter comes in and she is crying loudly, she is yelling angry about something. I will ask her, honey, I see that you are upset. Why are you choosing to yell right now? Because I have to because so and so.

Nope. And I'll stop and say, hold on. Your feelings are valid. Thank you for sharing them with me. I can see that you're angry and you're upset. Why are you choosing to yell at me? Because I choose to not listen when people yell at me. I choose to only talk when people are expressing themselves in this way.

I can see that you're angry and you're allowed to be angry. When you get angry, I get angry on your behalf. Or I choose to be angry on your behalf. But I also treat people with dignity. I don't yell in their face. I don't scream. I don't say bad words at them. That's what it looks like.

I don't hit back. I get to choose whether we hit. And so we're just teaching our kids, here's your emotion, here's your feelings, and then you are in control of what happens next. And this is something for a two and a four-year-old like Heidi's, man, this is something you got to practice and practice and practice and practice. And by the way, the best practice is modeling.

Those four-year-olds and those two-year-olds are watching mom and dad. And so if they hear you talk it through out loud, this is a great gift for yourself and for them. If you talk it out loud, Wow, that guy cut me off. Wow, we just got the electric bill and it is double what I thought it was gonna be. My body feels really angry and really scared that I thought that I budgeted for a $250 electric bill, but it's the holiday season

and we had a bunch of people over and ran the heater and it's electric and it's $500. I feel scared about that. I feel nervous or I feel scared about that. I feel nervous or I feel angry about that. And now what I'm going to do next is go look at the budget and see where we can find other places, or I'm going to have to sit down with my wife or my husband and make some decisions about it. They get to see you think it through out loud, not just be, oh my gosh, the electric company's ripping me off.

They get to see you act like an adult. Awesome question, Heidi. Yes. The more you can teach your kids to name their feelings and then have some space between it before they act, the better our world's going to be. Alright, as we wrap up today's show, here's another surprise song

from Sarah. This is a good one. Is this from UConn or Sarah? Sarah. That's great. The song is called Peggy Lee. No, is it by Peggy Lee? By Peggy Lee.

Who is Peggy Lee? She's a singer from back in the 50s, early 60s. Sarah's got the best taste in music, except for the last time in the Power Rangers song I still haven't recovered from. The song's by Peggy Lee, and it's called Take a Little Time to Smile. And after today's show, we all need to do that. Take a little time to smile. Make a little thing worthwhile.

When the moon comes up and the sun goes down, take a little time to smile. If you think you have a care, you can find them everywhere. They'll vanish too like the others do if you take a little time to smile. Smiles were meant to give away. Give a hundred every day. And if you know the good they do, won't you please just give a few? Try it for a while. If you want to live in style when the moon comes up and the sun goes down,

take a little time to smile. Sarah, dude, I'm so glad she's in our gang. We don't deserve her. She's so great. Hey, see you next time on the Dr. John Deloney Show.