The Dr. John Delony Show - I Feel Like I’m Being Crushed by Their Expectations

Episode Date: May 15, 2023

On today’s show, we hear about: - A man crushed by the pressure his parents put on him - A woman wondering how to know if you’re marrying the right person - A man worn out from being controlled by his girlfriend’s behavior Enter the Ramsey Cash Giveaway here Shop the $10 Sale here Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show.  Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp DreamCloud Thorne Add products to your cart create an account at checkout Receive 25% off ALL orders Resources: Own Your Past, Change Your Future Questions for Humans Conversation Cards Redefining Anxiety Quick Read John’s Free Guided Meditation Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately. Learn more about your ad choices. https://www.megaphone.fm/adchoices Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policyv

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. I've been with this girl for about three years. I don't know if I should leave, but over the last year or so, she's been very controlling. I'm not allowed to hang out with friends because she doesn't have her family or her friends in the state. It's hard, man. I'm sorry. Yo, yo, yo. What's up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. A show about your marriage and your mental health and parenting and relationships, whatever

is going on in your life. We're here to walk alongside you and figure it out together. If you want to be on the show, you got real things going on in your life, and you want to be, I don't know, yeah, pretty brave, pretty strong, just to lay it out there for the world and what you're working through, give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291, and just know that whatever you're going through, other people are going through it too.

And when you got the courage to come up and say, hey, this is happening to me in my life. I'm looking for some ideas and direction and wisdom on where to go next. Countless other people, countless other people are going to benefit from your courage. So give me a buzz 1-844-693-3291. Leave a message or go to johndeloney.com slash ask ASK. Hey, Kelly, this past weekend, we had a wild live event. There was, I don't know,

2,000, 2,500 people there. It was madhouse. But for the first time, it was so awesome. We had long signing lines. And when I say long signing lines, they were long signing lines. And you're a straight-up celebrity.

So I was, I kid you not, and I'm not exaggerating when I say, easily 100 times, probably closer to 125 times, was asked about my tattoos. That's what everybody wants to ask me about. I love it. Hey, where's your tattoos? Can I see your tattoos? Yeah.

So on Friday, each of the producers had to get on the stage and talk about their show. So I get up there and I'm standing there. We haven't even started talking yet. We haven't even, the host that's interviewing me hasn't even said anything yet. First thing, somebody yells out, show us your tattoos. No, no, no. They didn't. They yelled, show us your tats.

And I on stage was like, what is happening? And then you answered like, oh, John always talked about tattoos. And I was like, because I have these ear things in. I was like, no way. Is that how somebody's going to talk to Kelly? I'm going to go to jail. And the show hadn't even started. Anyway, it was awesome.

It was. It was so fun to talk to our. Like, I'm going to go to jail and the show hadn't even started. Anyway, it was awesome. It was. It was so, so fun to talk to our, we have some amazing listeners. I'm telling you, it was, it was like, so often I do this show

and then I drive home and all by myself. And I, I literally asked myself this exact question. What are you doing with your life? Like, what are you,

there's nobody here. Like we're just talking into the void and then to see a signing lines for an hour, like for. There was hundreds of people. It was wild. It was insane. And everybody's got a story. Everybody's changing something.

Everybody's working through something. Everybody's looking at you and being like, I don't know how you do it every day. I got a lot of that too. Like, oh my God, how do you do it? Thank you so much. We're so glad. I heard over and over and over. You have three children.

I'm sorry, Kelly. I'm sorry that you have to go to work and be a babysitter too. It was incredible. It was awesome. It really was. It was so much fun. And in related news.

So imagine this. You're doing a live radio show in front of a couple thousand people. The music starts playing all of the affiliates across the country 600 plus affiliates are gearing up for this show and i co-host the ramsay show with dave ramsay and one of the main pieces of equipment goes down and we don't know it we're on stage looking all smiley and shiny and we've got makeup on like goofballs and we're like we're just ready to rock and roll we're on stage looking all smiley and shiny and we've got makeup on like goofballs and we're like

We're just ready to rock and roll. We're doing it and behind the scenes the engineers nate dog andrew these guys are just Duct taping things together and keeping this thing going and it didn't miss a beat But when we got back you could see everybody was just slumped up against the wall Like all of the work it took to manually do this stuff. Andrew,

you saved the day, dude. Big time, man. Made it. We made it. And it's a lot easier doing that than your show. Generally.

Well played. Well, Hey, not because of that, but because we love you. Um, we got together and everybody pitched in and finally we got your daughter a bed and our friends at dream cloud are going to send her a brand new uh twin mattress for her and so

we're going to take care of y'all and get y'all squared up i know your daughter's been sleeping out in the garage because in the dog bed in the dog bed because you're vying for father of the year but um we just want you to know we love you and man those little those things add up so fast man so fast i think our friends at dream cloud for for hooking you up it's awesome and uh cool all right let's roll out to y'all can't see this andrew's blushing he's a man of very few words you're handsome you're a handsome blusher all right let's go to um um tejas let's go to Tejas Let's go to Carlos in San Antonio

Como estas Carlos Good how are you Good man Life going okay Been better but it's going Alright so what's up dude So I Am having issues with my family

I put up some boundaries with them try to be as clear as possible it doesn't seem like they're respecting them i'm kind of at the point where i'm wondering if it's a relationship i should cut out of my life oh man so tell me about it how old are you how old are you uh i'm 35. Wow, okay, 35. All right, so tell me about it. Yeah, so growing up, kind of like turbulent household, older brother has behavioral issues, like a diagnosed behavioral issues. Family did the best they could.

Family definitely kind of had some impact on me with like cops being called to the house constantly, um, yelling kind of like turbulent household. Uh, fast forward, college, uh, the house took a little bit of a breather from everybody and realized that it wasn't really a healthy environment where everybody was kind of leaning on me to be the normal kind of grounding mechanism. And I was the child, I was the youngest person in the house, like good margin. where everybody was kind of leaning on me to be the normal kind of grounding mechanism and i was the child i was the youngest person in the house like good margin um and i needed to kind of like not take that weight on uh and fast forward to mid-30s now and older brother has a kid

uh kind of in this weird co-parenting relationship with my parents same turbulent activity but with a child that I kind of see myself in and I've asked them to kind of like lead me out of that relationship like I just I can't be their therapist to talk about how my brother

treats my parents, my parents treat my brother and also kind of seeing like the same trauma being impacted on a child that i experienced as a kid gotcha so in the nerd world we call it triangulation sounds like you're getting brought in as you're being used by the other two parties as a as fuel to the fire that they're casting at the other party right so your parents call you to tell you about what your brother's doing and your brother calls you and tells you what your parents are doing and the whole time you're watching this little child just thinking

just get at it run run run run run right yeah and the same behavioral issues from when i was a kid so it's like oh they're screaming in the house and they're fighting over so how does this how does this impact you? You said you put up some boundaries and your family's violating them. What does that mean? So for me, it's like, Hey, I can't be your therapist. I don't want to have every conversation we have be about this. And when, every time that we get together, it's, oh, why can't you be more involved with us as a family?

It's a little, cause it's toxic and I don't really want to go back to where I was when I was 12. Right. Um, are you married? Do you have kids? Uh,

no. Okay. No. Um, so I guess the question I'd want to ask you, man, if we were just, if we were sitting there in San Antonio sharing a meal,

I would, I would just want to ask you man if we were just if we were sitting there in San Antonio sharing a meal I would I would just want to know at 35 why are you still letting your parents have any influence in your life whatsoever at all uh it's more either I have a relationship with them or don't and it's except that except that you've been propping up them emotionally for your whole life. And so they don't want a relationship with you. They want to extract and use you. And so it's not you that's giving up this relationship. It's you that keeps going into this predatory, you're trying to take your soul like a Harry Potter dementor.

It's not a matter of keeping up the relationship. They have ended that part. What you have to decide is, do I want to keep showing up in some sort of facade and some sort of mirage where we're all in the same room together, even though I'm not even here because my 12-year-old self recognizes this toxicity

and we're just disassociated. We checked out. And then I got to roll my eyes when dad starts complaining about brother. And then I got to stare at the floor and brother starts complaining about mom. You see what I'm saying? This isn't a relationship.

Then I guess like the second question is like how do I kind of come to terms with like letting go of that it really what I'd hoped for it really really hurts

it really really hurts because it shouldn't be like this it shouldn't have been like this for a long long time and my guess is that you've got a it shouldn't have been like this for a long, long time. And my guess is that you've got a level of exhaustion running underneath your machine

because you've been trying to keep this thing held together for your whole life. And 12-year-olds think they can do it. By the time they get to be 35, they realize they can't, but they try anyway. Have you sat down in this, that this thing's over? Yeah, I think I've been kind of like mourning it in a way for the past year or so. Yeah.

Here's the two big things you got to do. The first thing is you have to take care of that little boy that's still working and you've heard me say this on the show a million times and i'll say it a million more that little 12 year old boy that is still asking the question at the age of 35 why won't you just be my dad why won't you just be my mom like why do i have to do jump through so many hoops and do so much work for y'all to love me and that kid's the kid's exhausted and that's not his job and so you're gonna have to at some, whether it's you get with a therapist and go down a rabbit hole with body work and all that kind of stuff, or you sit down and for the next, I don't know, 90 days, once a week, you write that kid a letter.

Just say, dear 12-year-old Carlos, remember that time, fill in the blank, and then brother came home high and dad hit me, hit you. That wasn't your fault. That's because dad didn't know what he was doing with brother and brother was out of control. And I'm so sorry that no one was there to protect you. Then the next week, dear Carlos, remember that time? I just want you to know, when you become 35, things are going to be different

and that's the first part of this thing the second part of this thing I think is equally if not more challenging is you're going to have to find new adult relationships to plug into because you cannot do life by yourself and that's the worst man

are you a pretty lonely guy? No, I've got a pretty strong friend group, but like chosen family. There you go. I would even suggest marking that some sort of event. When I say event, I don't mean like renting out a stadium or something, not the Alamo Dome,

but I mean like having people over and saying, like, henceforth, y'all are my family, and looking people in the eye and saying, henceforth, y'all are my family. And looking people in the eye and saying, I'm going to call you at 2 a.m. when things get sideways. And when I start dating somebody, I'm going to call you. And when I get scared about my future, I'm going to call you. Just go around the room. But you'll have something that you can go back and mark as the moment.

What's your biggest fear about stopping to return phone calls? Also just losing that relationship. It's the only one I've had my entire life. Yeah. Can you objectively see they left you? Yeah.

Yeah. Just how unhealthy it's been yeah for whatever it's worth Carlos you're worth you're worth relationships that you can pour into and there's not a bunch of holes in the bottom of the picture

and you're worth relationships that people pour into you and they don't use you to prop themselves up but they are with you because they're your friend. But all this angst, man, how about this? What if you just tried it in a graduated way? You said, hey, once a month, I'm only going to swing by once a month. I'm going to stay for 30 minutes. And by the way, let me circle back real quick. Some of your boundaries

like, hey, I've told them, I don't want to talk about them all the time I don't talk about brother all the time or I don't want to talk always be talking about mom and dad Make your boundaries a little more firm I will not discuss my brother with you period When you choose to start talking about brother I am going to choose to walk out of the room because you are telling me you no longer want me in here By bringing that up Hey brother I refuse to talk about mom and dad with you anymore i love you we

can talk about you know whatever sports we're hanging out whatever i'm not i refuse to talk about this with you 100 so every time you bring up mom and dad that's like you saying hey get out of here carlos i don't want to talk to you so there's that uh make those boundaries super firm but i would slowly start um not even slowly i would rather abruptly start pulling this thing apart instead of going over there every week i'm gonna go over once a month and they're gonna give you the oh you're too good why aren't you coming over anymore we we miss you why aren't you ever here yeah i've got i was hanging out with my buddies i've got some stuff at work to do i don't want to be a part of all this drama and chaos um because y'all are y'all are choosing it to be like this and i'm choosing

to not be in this mess those conversations will be hard and make no mistake when you have true firm strong boundaries people will start trying to smash them just to knock them down because they're an affront to other people. Hold firm. Hold firm. Little 12-year-old Carlos has been waiting for this moment for a long time. And now it's time for 35-year-old Carlos to let that boy go run and play. He's been being an adult for way too long. Let him go.

And it's time for you, 35-year-old Carlos, to say, what am I going to do now? What am I going to do next? We'll be right back. All right, we are back. Let's go to Elle in Charlotte, North Carolina. What's up, Elle? Is it Ellie or Elle?

It's Elle. Elle, very cool. That's awesome. It's a beautiful name. L you should, I don't know if I was, you know, just have one letter that'd be kind of player, but that's all right. So what's up? Um, sorry, I'm really nervous. Um, so I guess my question is like, how, how do you make sure that you're 100% sure about someone that you're about to marry? How do you know that they're the right person? Oh, gross. Do you have one?

What do you mean? Are you dating somebody right now and you're like, I don't know, I don't know? Well, yeah. Gross! I'm just kidding. Elle, that's awesome. So what's giving's awesome so what's giving you pause what's giving you pause all right let me let me answer your question there is zero no chance no way no how there's no such thing as like 100 it doesn't exist and i'll also say that the only marriages that make

like the news or the sensationalist not not... You know what I mean? The millions and millions and millions and millions of people who do life together with their spouse for their whole life. That's just not sensational news. So we don't see those people. I mean, I feel like I've been listening to your show for a little bit and, and, um, and I mean, my, my parents are divorced myself. So it's just like, I don't, I feel like all I hear about when it comes to marriage is that, you know, people hide things and then they come out later. And then there's just so much heartbreak and everybody seems to always ask, you know, like, Oh, how did I, how could I have seen this before it happened and things like that. And, um,

it gives me so much, um, uh, I guess anxiety about it. And, um, I feel like I'm just not super confident in most of my decisions, but this is probably one of them. Oh, man. The fact that you are cautious about making big decisions tells me that you're very, very wise. Very wise. Really? Yes.

So here's a couple of my entry points into this question. Okay. Number one, do we hold similar values? And they don't have to be 100% for 100%, but do we hold similar values tightly? And do we hold our beliefs very loosely? I have a value that I will always be curious. I'm always going to be asking the next question. I think that's really important.

I seek out places where I'm wrong. That's of a value. And I like people around me to share that because it makes my community humble and more interested in getting to the right answer and helping people than defending themselves. Then on top of that value, I have a million different beliefs. And some of them are categorically wrong. They're incorrect.

Some of them, I was so, I've spoken at medical school. I spoke at a medical school about 10 years ago. Gave this big long lecture on something about nutrition. I can't tell you how incorrect i was l it's embarrassing looking back on it i'm just wrong i was wrong and so i hold my beliefs very loosely and i want the person that i'm going to be with i want us to have similar values when it comes to faith maybe we believe different things, but we both believe, we share the value that belief in something bigger than ourselves is crucial to our lives. Cool. And then I'm going to hold it really loosely.

And when my wife comes in and says, I think I interpret this particular thing this way, I go, huh, tell me more. Cause I'm not tied to, you gotta have the same beliefs. That's insane. That's why we read books. So we get new beliefs, right? Okay. So values and beliefs, that's number one. The other thing that I think the data suggests is more important is this. How do you come back from disagreement, from fights when one person gets off the tracks? Estep Perel talks about the part of the cycle that's called repair. How do y'all repair things? Do you pretend it never happened? Do you scream and yell and kick?

Do you dissect it? Do you, somebody want to talk about it, talk about it, talk about it? Or somebody want to use it as a weapon to get what they want in the relationship? Or do you both dig in and solve it? How are we going to come back together? if but when we get sideways and somewhere along the way in your parents marriage i'm and i'm just using them because you brought them up the repair cycle was um they weren't able to reconcile it. Or somebody did a thing, or somebody was struggling,

or somebody had a different picture for their life. When they laid that picture out, the other person said, well, then I'm out. And so I want to know how we're going to address problems, how we're going to discuss them. And by the way, that will shift and change too. The question is, are they going to shift and change with us? So tell me about this guy you're with.

He's great. We do. I mean, we've been together since, you know, like the early, like the first two years of college. And then we stayed together after graduation. And we had one major breakup, uh, my senior year. And after that, like, uh, at least in my family's eyes, he was, I mean, he, he couldn't come back from it. And your family doesn't get a vote, right? But it's really hard to just not care.

You're going to care. That's different you're gonna care and it's gonna hurt it's gonna be painful and at some point how old are you i'm 22 yeah at some point you're gonna have to decide i'm being with this person and then the adults in your life are gonna have to choose um are they gonna be with you or are they going to choose their high horse? And those are the only two choices. My wife and I broke up five times over the course of five years, maybe four and a half times. And then we've almost broken up several times over the 20 years we've been married. It's hard.

It's messy. But when things look grim and when they'll like, when it looks like there's so much smoke, I can't see forward. One of us always says, I'm going back to the table. I hope you'll join me. Because that's one of our values is you always go back to the table. And when I go ahead. Oh, sorry.

I was just going to say I wish that people would be more honest about that aspect of relationships. Because we do, I mean, it's gotten better. But we do tend to bicker a lot. And, you know, we have disagreements and we get pretty upset. But, you know, people, since we've been together, have always told us like, oh, you know, this, this, you shouldn't be together. I mean, it just shouldn't be that way. And I mean, it's discouraging and it makes me have the impression that, you know, your relationship is always supposed to be perfect. And, you know, you're not supposed to fight ever.

Yeah, there's just no such thing. And let's be super clear. I'm a very good sophisticated fighter. I don't do a lot of bickering. But I've got some pretty nasty conversations that I have in my head that nobody ever hears. Right. And so my body's at war with my wife, even though she doesn't even know she's just over there, like doing her thing. Doesn't even know we're in a fight and vice versa. At least you guys are saying it out loud. What I would want to get to is beneath that. What is, what is the bickering for?

Well, currently we're long distance. Okay. And that's been pretty tough because- Very, very hard. It's just hard to communicate wants and needs. I think insecurities can roll in and- Are you kidding me? They come in like a military invasion. Yes.

So how long are y'all planning on doing this long distance? Hopefully not much longer. Make a choice. Well, he's active duty, so he needs to finish school before he can move with me. But that's going to be another few months. Talking all tough and you're like, he's active duty, so he needs to finish school before he can move with me. But that's going to be another few months. Talking all tough and you're like, he's active duty. And so I'm super wrong. See, there I am.

I'm wrong again. Here's the hardest part about a relationship. Okay. I think. The hardest part is it only works if you go all in. A marriage only works if you go all in. A marriage only works if you go all in. And if you go all in, you can get hurt really, really bad. But if you try to hedge your bet, you try to put one foot in, one foot out, all your feet, both feet in, but just a few toes out, it's going to fail. It'll fail every time. You got to go, or it may not fail spectacularly

in some big catastrophic implosion, but you'll end up like millions and millions and millions of people across our country where you're just roommates. Y'all are good co-managers of your house, but you're not in a relation. You're not all in. Y'all sleep together twice a month. I mean, it's whatever, but you're not all in. So the greatest advice I could give you is if you're going to go, go all in, pack up and move. Like to quote the great Goodwill Hunting, go see about a girl, go see about a guy, go all in and just know the only way this about a guy, go all in. And just know the only way this thing works is by going all in. And man, you are opening yourself up for a heartache that

is unfathomably painful. And relationships ultimately become me looking across the table at my wife in the eyes and saying, I'm going to give you everything. Please don't hurt me. I'm going to tell you everything. Please don't use it against me. I'm going to show you my soul. Please see it and love me anyway. And she says the same thing back.

And Elle, just saying that out loud is scary. Hearing that, is that scary? Yeah. That's it. So are you in? I would like to ideally say that I am. I'm scared. I'm scared also of like,

just being alone in the end if it doesn't work out because. You're alone right now. A lot of times. You're alone right now. You're alone with somebody right next to you. What does that mean? That means you're living parallel lives with somebody who's become a little bit more than a figment of your imagination because y'all are doing this thing long distance

and you're insecure and you're doubtful and you're unanchored and he is too and so this idea like i'm just gonna end up alone people sacrifice deep love for for partnership for somebody sitting on it like next to you for proximity do you know what i'm saying yeah you're worth more than halfway and he is too quite frankly i would love to see what happens in this thing if you go all in And I think it's perfectly fair to say I have said these words in my marriage. So I'm scared that i'm gonna put all my cards on the table and you're gonna Cash out and leave And that's scary

And the only way this thing works is to push all your chips in. That's why I tell people to share a banking account. That's why I tell people to be honest with each other and not keep secrets. Not be a moron and overshare, but don't keep secrets. That's why I tell people, hold the other person very, very loosely. Because they're a human. They're going to breathe, and they're going to fail, and they're going to have new thoughts and new imaginations and want to go down new rabbit holes.

Your job isn't to squeeze them so tight that everybody stays connected. No, man, it's to be in complete and total trust and love and vulnerability, the whole thing. Go all in, L. Go all in. Here's what I think. I think you really like this guy. I think you love this guy. And I think you've got

enough voices around you. I think you've got enough personal experiences around you to tell you that going all in, that type of love is not safe and it's not wise. And your body's probably right because you've seen people get hurt.

The choice you're going to have to make for yourself is, am I going to do it anyway? I'll tell you, my life has made all the difference. All of it. We'll be right back. All right, let's go out to Kyle in Boise, Idaho. What's up, Kyle? Not too much.

How are you, John? I'm doing good, man. Not too much, not too much. What's up, man? So just a quick question of kind of I've been with this girl for about three years. I don't know if I should leave. It's been good, but it's one of the... Sorry, I'm nervous. No, it's good.

It's like, it's been fine. So she has mental and physical health problems. I've always been there for them, and I've never had a problem with any of that. But over the last year or so, she's been very controlling to a point where I'm not allowed to go see my family until she can see her family. And we all, both of our families live in different states. So it's kind of hard to see either one of them but we try to make it out whenever we can um it also goes as far as i'm not allowed to hang out with friends because she doesn't have her family or her friends in the state that's's hard, man.

I'm sorry. Are y'all married? We are not. We've been dating for three years. Okay. The easy flippant answer for me is this. The purpose of dating is to get to know somebody and get to practice safety and get to know somebody and get to practice safety and

get to practice compatibility and get to practice intimacy. And over the last 36 months, you have come to realize, I don't want this life. I don't want somebody who a is going to be so utterly controlling in a way that makes no logical or rational sense right this is different if you call me and be like i just want to go to the bar do you only go four nights a week and she wants me home with her i would say you're you're a moron right that's

not the case here right this is this is um this is power and control the other side of the coin here is if you got somebody who you love who's struggling with mental health issues and physical issues and is not doing everything they can in their power to go get well, to do the things they need to do to be whole. Okay. Then they're ultimately making a choice for the type of relationship they want to have. So let me take anxiety, for example. I'm never going to blame anybody for having anxiety. That's your body's response. It's trying to take care of you, right?

And anxiety looks like all different kinds of things to all different kinds of people. But I will hold you accountable for going to get the help you need. Do you know what I'm saying? And so if I step back and I'm pretty, this will sound really cold okay but if I step back you're in relationship with somebody who has doesn't appear

to be interested in doing the hard hard work to be as well as possible and who is more interested in

slowly exerting more and more power and control over the one person in her geographical area that's trying to love her and take care of her. Right. So what does it look like if you, if you broke up? So let's do that thought. Added on to that.

I don't want to be morbid about this by any means, but we have a only loan I have and I'm trying to get rid of, but we have an auto loan in both of our names. How much? I am primary on it. How much is it? $30,000. Sell the car, dude.

But my thing is she doesn't want to sell it. She's the, that's another thing that we disagree about is our spending. And, but I want to sell it. I want to get basically I'm all in on the Ramsey thing where I want to get out of debt.

I don't like owing people money in general. I don't either. yeah. So here's the thing, man, don't let this is's the thing, man. This is a to quote Jocko, this is a non-factor.

Okay. Give her the car and pay it off. To quote Dave Ramsey, it's just a $30,000 stupid tax. Oh, man. I got an auto loan with a girlfriend. That was dumb. I put both of our names on the title That was dumb

That's alright 30,000 bucks It's less expensive than a divorce three years from now True Right Ultimately here's the deal I'm not going to tell you to leave I'm not going to tell you to break up

I'm not going to tell you to do any of those things What I am going to tell you is You get to decide what your life looks like Right And you get to decide Beyond what it looks like In terms of size of the house or size of the car Something like that, you get to decide

The warmth And the air inside of your home Is it electric and charged and chaotic Or is coming home a place of peace Both you and the air inside of your home, is it electric and charged and chaotic or is coming home a place of peace? Both you and the person you marry get to choose that. And we get so lost with our diagnostics and our this is and I've got this and this happened to me. Cool. I get to walk in my front door and decide how this place is going to be.

And I'm going to work every plan I can come up with. I'm going to do everything I can to create that space. And then you look at the person you're thinking about marrying and saying, well, you create that space

with me. And the hard part is what you're telling me is she has said, no, I'm good. I'm going to do what I want to do when I want to do it.

And by the way, so are freaking you. You are too. A little bit. Or a lot. You're saying that it makes me think I do come home and have to walk

on eggshells a lot. It's your house, dude. It's your house. It's your house. I wish more people would reverse engineer their life in that way. Because not owing anybody any money, that's a big deal for me. That sets off a lot of childhood triggers with money issues growing up. Not owing anybody any money, when I walk in the front door, there's never going to be a bill on my kitchen table that sends me off into the woods right this sends my that my 10 year old self has to come out and try to sword fight and defend for me it's never gonna be there i don't owe anybody money and so for me the reason i don't owe anybody money is so i can walk in my house and drop my

shoulders i'm home the reason i go to marriage counseling the reason i go to counseling the reason i am constantly trying to become a better dad is i want to walk home and i reason I go to marriage counseling, the reason I go to counseling, the reason I am constantly trying to become a better dad is I want to walk home and I can't wait to meet my kids because my wife and I have worked really hard to create an environment where we like our kids and they like being around us. You see what I'm saying? All this comes back to, I just want to walk in and drop my shoulders. I can do that in a 1400 square foot house. And I can do that in a 2500 square foot house or whatever. The particulars for me matter less than,

I just want to solve for peace and I want to solve for freedom. And I want to solve for, the same with clutter, that same stuff with crazy filled calendars, all that stuff works together. And so ask yourself, after three years of being together, she seems to be pretty clear

on the kind of life she wants to have, which is whatever she wants, whenever she wants it. Come hell or high water, come anxiety, come stress, come frustration, come fights,

come a sad, frustrated spouse. None of that matters. I get what I want when I want it. I'm just telling you, brother, you are worth peace. Thank you. And now it's just up to you. Man, I know I'm being cavalier here and almost clinical. It's kind of cold.

I understand how hard the decisions you have to make moving forward are. I know I'm being cavalier here and almost clinical. It's kind of cold. I understand how hard the decisions you have to make moving forward are. I get that. Very, very tough. Very tough. It's not like you're just going to waltz in today and be like, all right, we're breaking up. You have a great one.

I know. It's way more complex than that. And it's way, way more complex. So I'm not going to tell you to go do that. What I'm going to tell you is seek peace. Seek freedom. Seek a life

when after you're out slaying dragons all day and you're working your butt off at your job trying to navigate this wackadoo culture we have. I got one safe place. And then you look at that person you're going to marry and say, will you create a safe place with me?

And now you're talking. That's legacy changing, my friend. Thanks for the call, Kyle. We'll be right back. Hey, what's up? Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious or burned out or chronically stressed at some point. In my new book,

Building a Non-Anxious Life, you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life. Get your copy today at johndeloney.com. All right. Hey, that wraps up the show. We're not doing lyrics today. We're going to do something a little bit different. We're going to do something a little bit different.

This is from the Good News Movement Instagram site that Kelly gave gave me and i've got kelly's phone right now We could get off the rails, but I won't Check this out this past weekend was the 10th anniversary of the boston marathon bombing and Here's what the so they ran the marathon and there's lots of amazing stories that come out of this But I just wanted to pass along some really extraordinary news about some extraordinary people. It says 10 years after the tragic bombings that killed eight-year-old Martin

Richard. Ah, dang it. I'm going to get all, I'm going to start crying. Hold on. 10 years after the tragic bombings that killed eight-year-old Martin Richard, his elementary school classmates now have legal age to run the marathon Ten years after the tragic bombings that killed eight-year-old Martin Richard,

his elementary school classmates, now of legal age to run the marathon, completed an emotional marathon in honor of their beloved childhood friend. Joining them were friends, neighbors, and family, including Martin's older brother who completed the marathon as well. All of them were eight years old, small children in third grade when the tragedy unfolded. Ten years later, these memories will animate their experiences. Ten years.

His friends thought and stayed connected and remembered their buddy. Talk about making meaning. We're going to go run for our buddy. And everybody came back together. That's an amazing story. It does not get much cooler than that.

So, Kelly, I don't know how to do it without lyrics. I guess we just wrap it up. Well, Andrew has something he wants to say. Well, yeah. So, I just kind of lost words earlier. Dude, you don he wants to say well yeah so I just kind of lost words earlier so you don't have to

I just want to say thank you oh you're welcome thank you I realize thank you for saving all of our jobs I try

and being a good friend you're my good friend you're one of my few friends that live in my I was gonna my special little neighborhood yeah our area of greater Nashville.

There we go. Thank you. Wes and Steven also pitched in for something else. Yes, Wes Freitas! One of the best guys in the world. Surrounded by great people. And it's mostly because of this show.

So thank you. You got it, brother. Thank you, guys. Hey, everybody listening. Go do something nice for somebody. Take care.