The Dr. John Delony Show - I Feel Like I’m Failing at Being a Stay-at-Home Mom

Episode Date: December 3, 2021

The Dr. John Delony Show is a caller-driven show that offers real people a chance to be heard as they struggle with relationship issues and mental health challenges. Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show.   As a father and husband I am worn out and tired Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle - Emily Nagoski & Amelia Nagoski Being a stay-at-home mom is not what I thought it would be & I feel like a failure Brother-in-law was sentenced for wire fraud. How can I help his family? Lyrics of the Day: "Stay Together For The Kids" - Blink-182   Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp DreamCloud Churchill Mortgage   Resources: Questions for Humans Conversation Cards Redefining Anxiety Quick Read John’s Free Guided Meditation   Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq   These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.

On today's show, we talk to a young dad who's experiencing burnout, and he doesn't know what that means to have burnout and be a man. We talk to a mom who's struggling with her five-year-old little one. We talk to a sister whose brother-in-law has screwed up everything. She doesn't know what to do next. Stay tuned. It's time to dance, kids. It's the Dr. John Maloney Show.

We talk about mental health and relationships and excitement and sad stuff and hard stuff, fun stuff, whatever's going on in your heart and mind. Give me a call, 1-844-693-3291. It's 1-844-693-3291. It's 1-844-693-3291. Leave a message. Kelly will call you back. Or go to johndeloney.com slash ask, A-S-K.

And don't forget the conversation cards. How to be a human. So excited, man. They are awesome. They are cards for you and your romantic partner, cards for you and your kids, and cards for multi-generational conversations. Stocking stuffers, traveling,

just sitting in the car when you're like waiting in the pickup line after school and you don't know what to talk to your kid about we design these cards man these are just so y'all can begin to have conversations that don't involve screens that don't involve politics and nonsense and shenanigans no tiktok videos just how to have a conversation they're so fun can't wait they're selling like crazy i think we've already almost sold out of the first bunch. It's awesome. Get them. JohnDeloney.com

and you can click and buy the cards. I'm super excited about them. Get them, get them, get them, get them, get them. Save your families. That's probably a little bit overstated, but it's cool. A little bit overstated. Alright, let's get right to the phones. Let's go to Connor in Scottsdale.

Hey, Zeke! What's up, brother? How we doing? What's going on, Dr. D? Pleasure to talk with you, man. It's a pleasure to talk to you, brother. How's it going? Dude, it's going really well.

First, let me start off with being a listener since before day one. I remember the Ramsey episode when he introduced you as a personality and then how excited i was to you starting a show so big fan man thanks brother you are in rare air there's only like there's not a lot of you guys so thank you so much appreciate it no problem uh so want to get your thoughts and i'll let you dig into it on burnout um you is, is burnout a real thing? What are some of the, I guess, side effects of it?

Is it physical, mental, and how do you know if you're experiencing true burnout? Man, so yes, thousand percent it's real. It's a biochemical issue. I think sometimes it gets lumped into a character issue or you're not tough enough issue, things like that. But yes, your body can get cooked. The best book I've ever, ever, ever read, seen, heard about on this topic is by the Nagatsuki sisters. And I'll link to it in the show notes. It's called Burnout. That's the name of the book.

And they wrote it for women. I've talked to numerous men who find it incredibly important as well or valuable. I find it valuable as well. But using their framework, which I love, you can break down burnout into a couple of different things. Number one, well, let me back out. You're experiencing this. Is that why you're asking? No, full on.

Yeah, absolutely. Okay, okay. So I'm going to break this framework down, but I want to use you as the case study, okay? Yeah, absolutely. Number one is this deep sense of complete and utter exhaustion. You open your eyes in the morning, and you're tired. And somewhere about 7.30, 8. 8 30 a.m you start thinking about dude in 10 more hours i can be right back here

yeah exactly huh so walk me through it yeah exactly um i mean just to give you a very quick backstory um you know my my entire life i've always felt with the, that deep sense of like not feeling good enough and not, you know, always needing to prove myself, which led into, you know, being in competitive motor sports and, and kind of being put in that world of, um, I've heard you say it a couple of times that rough, tough, hard charger of prove myself, be stronger, kill or be killed kind of mentality. And, and over the last five years, you know, I've experienced a few, um, I guess some would say life, big life events, you know, um, with my becoming a new dad and then my, uh, my ex trying to take her life and then changing jobs and changing careers and being a single parent and meeting, uh, meeting my now absolutely beyond epic wife. Um, and then going through the crazy immigration process, um, get, you know, she's from a different country and, and kind of when you add all this stuff on top of it,

along with this, you know, um, challenging environment that we're in now with the, with culture and, and, and kind of just society, uh, being that, all right, I'm the man of the house and my wife's Russian, so she's very, you got to be a real man. And what I'm noticing is the way I personally react to stress is be stronger, work harder, be better. And the more stress that's put on me, the harder I want to work and the harder I want to, you know, provide and the harder I want to push myself to the point where I'm super blessed with, with a boss that's, you know, Hey, work as many hours as you want, which at the blessing and a curse, because I look at it and's, you know, hey, work as many hours as you want, which is a blessing and a curse because I look at it and go, you know, yeah, we're walking through the baby steps and, you know, we're on baby step 3B and so I'm like, you know, gazelle intensity.

And so, you know, I turn around and my mindset is be the gazelle. But then you've used the metaphor a couple times that the gazelle gets tired. And my mindset is how do you turn around as the gazelle and grab the lion by the throat and be like, how do you be better? And it's kind of, it just all led up to when I contacted you,

I talked to different pastors and counselors and everything and listening to your show. I'm like, man, I would love to get your tips and tricks and your insight in that. Because a few weeks ago, I think the last, I'd say the last five years kind of all just hit. I wasn't sick, but just moving and getting out of bed, it just wasn't happening.

Yeah. So burnout is when your body says, dude, I'm out. At some point, your body says, this is as much as I got right now. And we can make it, you might get the flu, you might get sick, you might get cancer, you might, any number of things. But at some point, the alarms have been ringing for long enough that your body finally says, it's like, dude, it's like driving your car and never changing the oil. And then someone's saying, dude, you got to pull over and change the oil.

And you're like, no, bro, you just got to drive faster. Drive faster. I'm like, okay, dude, but like the light's blinking on the dash. And you just say, drive faster. At some point, your car engine just melts together. If you don't do maintenance on the car, it just quits running. And so, yeah, burnout, you just, man, you just walked through

the entire bricks in the backpack. Like you were born into a story, into a culture that said, you're not a human being, you're a human doing. You are what you accomplish. So accomplish well. And you found some accomplishment. You found

some esteem, which is awesome, which is great in motorsports, which revs your body up all day, every day. And you almost die every day, proving yourself literally. And then you move on to all those different traumas. And so, and so yeah dude there's just a point when your body just goes brother i'm if you're not gonna stop i'm gonna stop us and then it all comes crashing down by the way you gotta now you've got a new culture that you are um connecting with that has a picture of what masculinity looks like and what strength looks like and all that. So it sounds like you're tired, man, of all of it. So let me, um, yes, yes and no. Um,

how, so with, with, you know, without going into, obviously we could, we could, I would love to and we could talk for hours and hours and hours, but how, when your body says, you know, chemically enough, enough, the engine oil is gone. The engine's, you know, dead. You've pushed so hard that, you know, and, and I can get all of that. You know, I get pacing yourself in a long distance race and taking care of the vehicle

and everything like that. But how do you fight the, when the engine stops, when you burn out the feelings of you're not good enough, be stronger. You shouldn't burn out. You're a failure because you're sleeping in bed all day long. You know, there's male figures in my life that the joke was growing up. And that's all I ever saw was, you know, I only work a half day at my job. What do we do with the other 12 hours? It's up to us. Yeah. No, and so it's—

And that's a voice of someone who's cooked. So my hope for everybody is you never fully get there because it's hard to come back. It's hard— How do you come back? You got to be really intentional. And often people come back in rehab or they come back in divorce court or they come back and their children

are filing for emancipation. Or they just got fired and they got to figure out a new career. Coming back can be hard. It happens every single day. That's why I do the show. Everybody, everybody can come back. I believe that with all my soul, I wouldn't be doing this.

But it's hard. So I want you to take the engine metaphor away. And I want to give you another metaphor that I think is going to be better. So imagine, you know anything about plumbing at all? Absolutely. Okay. So you've got like a clog. You can run in your pipes and your sink starts backing up. You can run to the hardware store and grab a bottle of Drano, dump it in there, and chances are it will at least let that thing drain. And it's bad for your pipes.

It's bad for everything, but it's bad for your sewer system. It's bad for everything, but it will clear that clog. If every morning you woke up and just dumped Drano into your sink every day, in short order, it would eat through the pipes. It would destroy everything. And so I want

you to think about that when it comes to your body's stress response. Our stress response is still ancient technology. It is running on, hey, there's a tiger and it's going to try to eat us and I got to get away or I got to kill it or it's going to kill me. And whenever you walk through a life thinking I'm not good enough, or I just screwed that up, or I should have done this, it's got to be better. I got to get done faster. I got to work more. I got to do more. All the time, your body just has a few responses to that. And it is a cortisol and adrenaline and stress hormones over and over and over and over. And that's like dumping Drano. And then to solve that problem, you hop on a motorbike and drive 95 miles an hour and try not to die.

And it's like, well, we're back in it again. And then you are in a marriage that has fallen apart and you're back in it again and home becomes a place that's not safe. So you leave a bear cave and go home and there's a tiger on your couch. And then, and then, and then, and then, and then you see your aunts and uncles or your dad or your granddad who just most of your memories are them sitting on the couch because their bodies say, screw you, man. Or they're seven tall boys into every single day of their life because beer turns the alarms down a little bit. It works for a while until it kills you. Or you just get cooked and then meth and Coke

and 17 Red Bulls, it will speed you up to get through a day and you collapse and do it again the next day and do it again the next day. And so what I want you to do is I want you to back up and stop putting Drano in the sink. And so I want you to think of burnout as this is from the Nagatsuki sisters. I love it. It is the result of unfinished

business. You haven't completed the stress cycle. You spun up some stress in your life and you haven't completed it. You got to let that thing cycle through, which is why a break isn't a reward. A break is an essential part of a hard day. Relationships, being with people, going for walks, exercise, eating right, sleeping, those are not things that you add on to your life. Those are core principles that you have to have. You have to have days of the week that you take off. If you are going to be gazelle intense, it's got to be short order. You got to crush it, crush it, crush it with a, I can do this for three years and that is it. And then I've got to stop putting Drano in that drain for a season.

And you have to deal with those bricks in your backpack, brother. Those stories you're carrying around with you And here's how I do it. I'll tell you exactly how I do it because i've got those same ones in my bag Okay I have a small little black um Journal and then what i'm about to tell you sounds cheesy and stupid don't let your buddy see it But actually I don't care because we need to change the picture of what masculinity even looks like

um And it's a stories journal that I carry with me. And I'll write it down. And now I've been doing it so long now that I don't have to write it down all the time because now I can spin it out pretty quick out of my head. But that you should have, I write that down. I can't believe you didn't, I write that down.

You just need to suck it up and man up. I write that down. And I look at it. I literally will extend my arm. I talked about this in a recent show. I will extend my arm at arm's length and I will look at it. Jocko calls that detachment. Michael Singer calls that mindfulness.

You can call it whatever you want, whether you're a Navy SEAL or you're like a guru. I don't care. You got to get some space from that thought and then demand evidence. Is that true? And that's the magic brother right there. Am I the worst dad? The answer is no. Am I a crappy man? No. Does manning up mean that I don't get to sleep? No. That's foolish. That's nonsense.

Look around, brother. All men are dying young. Diseases of despair. They're all addicts. It's crazy when you look across the culture. Right? It's insane. Yeah, absolutely.

We need a generation of men to take care of themselves. Now, hear me say, not work real hard. You got to still work your butt off. Be really, really set high goals, man. Be really ambitious and know- That's not a problem here.

Okay, but look, set those high goals, be ambitious and know that ambition is not going to save you. It's not going to make everything better. There is no dollar amount that's gonna make you go now I'm worthy that doesn't exist It's both and Be ambitious have high goals and know what's gonna Make your heart still

Is a great marriage Is kids that love being around their dad. Those moments when you're just fishing and everything's quiet and you're not catching anything and you think this is right. Those are the things that heal you, not more money and more accomplishments and more titles and more straps on the wall. And so it's both and, and we live in a culture that tells you either or, and this is why I think most people are exhausted. Like you just need to sit at home and the government will mail you checks. That's ridiculous. We have purpose. We are designed to contribute. As my friend Ken Coleman says, you got to have a purpose. You've got to get where you're designed to work. And that work in and of itself won't heal you.

It's both and. And so what does that mean? You've got to reexamine your meaning. Why are you doing what you're doing? Do you have that? Do I? Absolutely. Why are you getting up every day, Connor?

I want to provide a better life for- Nope, that's external. That's external. What about you? What do you want, Connor? I don't have that. Every reason I have is external. There's zero internal reasons. Because then it gets into a whole other topic of I feel selfish if I have too many internal reasons. Hey, so that's a story you write down. I'm selfish for taking care of me. Bull crap. I'm selfish for changing the oil in my car.

What? I'm selfish for putting wiper fluid in my car. What? That doesn't even make sense. And I'm not getting on to you I'm getting on to our culture here and so that's a story you write down and you hold it out and go no that's nonsense

I have to take care of Connor otherwise Connor can't take care of anybody else but so many men their identity is what they provide for other people and I need men to start looking in the mirror and saying what do I need? How can I contribute to my wellbeing so that I can then do these other things that the world

needs us so desperately to be doing? So you got to re-examine meaning. You got to move your body and discharge this energy. Okay. You have to have a regular practice of exercise, of moving your body, of doing something, going for walks. And if you have a high, high stress job, if you're still running motocross, you're still doing high stuff, then I want you to lift weights and go for walks, not dump a marathon on top of all that stuff. Because there's a point when that stress just becomes toxic. It just eats your body from inside out. Okay. And then the third one is human connection, sleep. You got to have good Okay. And then the third one is human connection. Sleep.

You got to have good relationships. And I would recommend, I know you love your wife's a saint and an angel. You got to have male buddies. Do you have that? Um, none my age, all significantly older than me just because I love mentors. So I know I don't really have any friends my exact age. So what I've learned from myself is that we often have older male mentors because it gives us a reason to have a relationship. We can say we're learning something. And because we don't think we're worthy of just having a regular relationship. And so your goal is your new challenge is to get male friends your age and do stuff

Go fishing fix bikes mow each other's yards Just grab a beer and laugh and play poker. I don't care what it is And if at all possible bring your kid along too so that he has a picture in his head of what friendship looks like Because you don't have that You have a picture of men growing home and just sitting on the couch and staring off into space. And then the final thing was,

I want you to start being creative. Do you have a hobby at all, brother? Oh, yeah. Okay. I want you to continue being... Actually, that's tough because my hobby is my job. So it's...

Ah! Okay, then you got to get something else. You got to get something else. It's hard. Because I know a lot of mechanics. They're mechanics and they go home and they spend the next four hours working on their car. You know what I say? I would love to see you do something else to get creative and expand your mind.

But I also don't want to take away your art. And I get that. So I don't know what you do for a living. But I get that can get messy. If you are a cop and then you go home and try to solve crimes at night, you're going to, you're going to melt your brain. If you're a plumber and then for at nighttime, your, your, your hobby is more plumbing. You're going to, you're going to just make yourself bonkers. Absolutely. So you got to have a hobby where you can be creative and creativity can be cooking. It can be real. Go take dancing classes,. It can be, go take dancing classes.

Go take, learn guitar. I don't care, dude. Be a poet. I don't care what it is. Go hunting. But you gotta find some creative outlets. And then I want you to start a gratitude journal. Every day of your life,

I want you to wake up and write down five things you're grateful for. I got my gratitude journal in my bag too. I carry two journals with me. I do. Every day of my life, I'm grateful for this. And over a month, two months, six months, a year, you're gonna change your body chemistry through gratitude.

And there's a billion studies for that. Check out that book, Burnout. I wanna redefine what it looks like to be a man. We're gonna create a third path. I do need you to lift weights. I need you to be strong. I need you to be there for your community. And I need you to have relationships and friends and hobbies. I need you to look in the mirror and say, I can't help others be well if I'm not well. You got to start with you. You got to put your oxygen mask on first. And if you sleep and take care of your body,

then you can show up when the world needs strong arms. If you are creative and well, then you can help solve some of these vexing challenges that we're all wrestling with. Don't sit at home and collect checks and don't step into a slim gym.

It's both. You got to go work and you got to find meaning. You got to find purpose, and you got to rest and change oil. You got to stop dumping Trano down the sink. We'll be right back on the Dr. John Delaney Show. It seems like everybody's talking about how crazy the housing market is right now

and how powerless homebuyers feel. Mix that with the stress of moving and life change and job change, and you've got a tornado of anxiety fueling one of the biggest purchases you'll ever make. This is not a good idea. So if you're a new homebuyer right now, my advice to you is to focus on what you can control,

like the people you choose to help you in the home buying process. You need folks like my friends at Churchill Mortgage. Churchill is a Ramsey trusted provider that's been helping people with their home mortgages for decades. And their home buyer edge program will help you skip a bunch of the stress. Here's how it works. Apply to become a Churchill certified home buyer and cap your interest rate for 90 days. Then you'll get a $5,000 seller guarantee to help your offer stand out.

So go ahead, take a deep breath because Churchill has your back. Check them out at churchillmortgage.com slash D'Loni and get the home buyer edge today. All right, what's up? Let's talk to Rosie in Coeur d'Alene. What's up, Rosie? Hi. How are you? Oh, I'm good. How about you? I'm good. You are on the show. All right. All right. So what's up? How can I help? So my husband and I decided that I should stay home with our five-year-old. And I've been doing that since June. And I feel like I stuck at it.

Like I feel like a failure. And that's what I want to talk about. Well, thanks for that softball appreciate that Rosie so why did y'all the way you announced that the way you told me that was that your husband wanted you to stay at home and y'all talked about it and now you're staying at home

am I wrong there? no we decided together whose idea was it? I think it was my idea. Okay. All right. The way you presented that sounded like... I usually have the ideas. Yes. Okay. So, um, why did you want to stay home? Um, well, I want to stay home because I used to be able to take my son to work with me when I worked in childcare. And when that business was closing, there just didn't seem like... Being in the business, we knew that there was no one that we would trust with our son. Okay. Yes. So you don't trust anybody with your son. And so you want to stay at home

and be with them. Do you like being around them? Yeah, mostly. Okay. And so here's the death spiral. I just hear professional woman after professional woman after young mother get involved in. There is no way to win. And if you're at work, you should be at home. Oh my gosh, you just work and leave your kid with somebody all day. And then if you're at home, it is, I don't like my kid all the time. And as soon as I have that thought, like, oh my gosh, will you wipe your own butt crack? Then I feel guilty that I even said that because this is my baby and I'm a terrible mom.

Or if I just love wiping butt cracks all day, people are like, are you serious? You just stay at home? Like what else? What are you contributing? Like your husband just earns all the, like seriously,

there's this never endingending cycle of guilt. Do you experience any of that? Not really that. Mostly, like, I thought that I think I should be doing better at keeping the house clean. Like, it's just always a mess, and it seems like if I'm home all day, it should house clean. It's just always a mess, and it seems like if I'm home all day, it should be clean. That was my expectation.

When I was working 12 hours a day, it was like, I have no time to clean the house. Whose story is that? Not that I'm home all day. Is it your story or your husband's story? Mine. Okay, so I'm just going to ask you simple questions. So then, why don't you clean the house?

I don't know. Like sometimes it seems like we run out of time. Like we're not just home all day. Like we go places. And then by the time we get home, it's like time to eat dinner. And then after all that stuff is done and bedtime, then it's just, I don't know, I get tired. Yeah. So I don't know. That's why I ask myself, why am I not getting this done?

Like, I should be able to do it. Have you made a, there's so much here. You're living in some pretty hard pictures that you've created for yourself you've drawn for yourself you have a picture of what stay at home motherhood should look like and your picture isn't real

it seems like it for the people I know in their curated social media worlds. Or... Like I go to their house and it's clean. Well, maybe. And, yeah, there's two ands. One is you've created a myth.

You are not them. You are you. And you're trying to live their story. And you need to articulate what is your story. And number two, there is some discipline involved here. Yeah. When you were going to work and you were tired, you still had to show up.

You still had to do things at your job you didn't want to do or you were tired of doing, but that was your job and you were on the clock. And so there is seasons, I guess for every stay-at-home parent forever, is, yeah, I am exhausted and I got to do laundry again. And it just never stops. And oh, good, there's more dishes in this.

They keep coming and they grow in this sink, right? It just never stops. And there's that part too, where you just have to do things that you don't want to do or you're tired of doing. But to me, it feels like there's something deeper than that. That you thought this was going to be different or easier or simpler

or it would just work out and it's not and it's weighing on you. Maybe I'm out to lunch, man. Maybe it's not existential at all. It's just a matter of, dude, yeah. You know, it's all that. If you want to have a clean house, have a clean house. But all of a sudden you look up and it's 10.30 in the morning

Have you done a Like a Have you done like an honest assessment Of how much time you spend on social media How much time you spend in front of the TV How much time you spend Emailing folks Like have you done an honest time assessment

I've been trying to emailing folks? Like, have you done an honest time assessment? I've been trying to, like, not trying to, have you done an honest time assessment? Like to me, an honest time assessment is like, I want a minute by a minute count of like,

how did I spend my time? So I've been like looking for like, how do I track that? Because if I just have a piece of paper, I'm not going to like write down every single second. So I've been thinking about it. So no, I haven't actually calculated the times, but. Rosie, can I be honest? There's something else here. What's the other, what's the other thing? The other thing is. What is it that you don't want to say out loud? Say it. My child has ADHD and ODD.

And I guess just like sometimes it's such a war zone all day that it's like, I guess I just feel like I need to treat myself like I'm so exhausted like I can't do anything else you need some help yeah is your home chaotic yeah sometimes sometimes it's not Is your home chaotic? Yeah. Sometimes. Sometimes it's not.

Is your marriage okay? Yeah. Yeah, my husband's amazing. Has your child always struggled with that disconnect? Because ADHD, ODD, those kind of things are generally challenges, not always, but generally challenges with disconnection, with relational challenges. I thought we had a pretty good connection, like all three of us. And then, yeah, like several months ago, I don't know, like almost a year ago, it just seemed like his outrages were just getting

more and more extreme, like we couldn't connect to him in those moments. And so... Have you taken him to a good play therapist to see what's going on? We haven't found a good one. We found terrible ones. We were on a waiting list for nine months,

and then we finally get there, and it was just kind of a waste of time. Why was it a waste of time? Because we just played. We didn't do anything like learning skills like that's a kid any play therapist for the first three four or five sessions is just simply going to play with your kid because that's how kids communicate through play that's their language yeah and if you're a parent and they may not have done a good job setting it up or you may be an impatient parent, which is you, by the way, just looking at play therapy can seem insane

because a good play therapist is going to try to learn the language of your child and learn what stories they're trying to connect to. And it's hard. You've got to give that's hard. Yeah. You gotta give that some time. Yeah. I guess when I say it seems like a waste of time, like

the person kind of just sat back and like watched the two of us play and like I just felt like Yes, yes. You don't like you didn't like being judged. Yes. Yes. It's called non, you didn't like being judged. Yes. Yes.

It's called non-directive play therapy. It's exactly what it is. Nobody told me that. Because what they're trying to do. What are we doing here? They are trying to see how you engage with your child. Because here's why. Behavior is a language.

And when your kid has an outburst, they're trying to tell you something. And it's usually, you don't see me. Or I don't see you seeing me. Or I have no boundaries or structure. Or you spend so much time looking at a screen, I need you to see me. Or even when you're with me, you haven't dealt with your own depression or anxiety, and you are with me physically, but you are not with me spiritually, mentally. And kids, or it could be a thousand different things. That's what a play therapist does, is just trying to read the communication patterns between a parent and child.

And I don't think you liked being watched like that. It's probably unnerving. And in five or 10 minutes, you probably got really bored playing with your kid. Is that fair? Yeah. And then you wonder if you can't spend five or 10 directed minutes

with your child, it doesn't surprise me that your child is desperate for connection all over the place. And so what I want you to not, not as a shame thing, it's just a set of skills. It's just like, dude,

I don't know how to hang drywall. I've tried. It's a, it's a mess. I got to learn how to do that. If I ever wanted to build a house. And so that's what you need some skills. You all need to learn new ways to communicate.

But if you don't demonstrate how you communicate, then no one can help you. If you, like a plumber can't just like stand on your front yard and be like, well, you just need to flush the toilet and fix this part. I got to go in there and look. And I'm just going to sit there and flush the toilet and listen and stuff like that. It's going to be weird. That's what we got to do. But my guess is,

tell me I'm crazy. You are carrying some sort of shame baggage that's heavy. Or the last 24 months, which nobody's been good at, has just wrecked you. Tell me I'm wrong, if I'm wrong.

I feel like I'm ashamed of my lack of contribution. There you go. And shame is a black hole, and kids get sucked into those things. You get sucked into those things. Marriages get sucked into black holes. You sound tired. Yeah.

Not tired like sleepy tired, but tired existentially exhausted and so here's what's on the horizon for you number one is kindergarten you're gonna have a shift next year

if you choose to put your kid in school and so you're gonna have an identity shift you're gonna have a household shift things are gonna be different so you're going to have an identity shift. You're going to have a household shift. Things are going to be different. So you may be looking at six more months, seven more months before things shift again. I want you to see value in Rosie the way I see value in Rosie. And you're worth being well and you're worth peace and you're worth laughter and you're worth being well, and you're worth peace, and you're worth laughter, and you're worth a babysitter,

and you're worth telling a five-year-old, here's our boundaries, and you're worth learning how to play with your kid, not being annoyed by him. You're worth not being on your phone all the time. You're worth not comparing yourself to the other people's houses you go to. Who cares? Forget them. My house is messy, but my house is more fun than yours.

That's what I'm saying. People come to my house all the time and I tell them, y'all are my friends. I'm going to clean up for you, but we're going to have the time of your life. We do clean up relatively. Depends on who you are, but it sounds like you're in a shame comparison spiral. And I would love, love, love,

Rosie, love to see you go talk to somebody and say, I'm not okay. I'm tired. And I'm ashamed of my lack of contribution, but then when I'm contributing, I'm ashamed that I'm not spending enough time with my son. I'm ashamed about how my son acts in my house. I'm ashamed that I can't play 10 minutes with my kid

without getting bored and then wanting to go do something else. I want you to take an honest time assessment, Rosie, on how you're spending in front of screens and how you're spending disconnected. I want you to be honest about learning some new skills. Your kid needs that. So here's the question that you got to ask yourself. This is all the way this is right now. And there's a period at the end of the sentence. The question you got to ask yourself is, what are you going to do tomorrow?

What will be different tomorrow than today? Are you asking me now? Yeah. What phone call will you make tomorrow? Well, tomorrow I'm going to meet with another mom who has, her son has, um, developmental disabilities as well. So we're going to be talking about it together. Cool. So when I'm, when you go meet with that mom, I want you to tell, tell her what you've told me. I'm ashamed of my lack of contribution. I don't know how to play with my kid for more

than five minutes without getting bored. Can you help me with that? Yeah. I want to better engage with my kid. And chances are, when your kid feels plugged in, then your kid's brain says, now I'm safe. And your kid's brain doesn't fire off all the signals that are all over creation that manifest themselves in all sorts of different whatever diagnostic labels you want to stick on stuff. But almost every childhood challenge is related to connection

in some shape, form, or fashion. Relational connection. So people ask me like, hey, my kids struggle with anxiety. My first thing is fix your marriage. Make sure your marriage is strong and good. The second thing is make sure you're okay. Because kids absorb tension. And kids who struggle with ADHD,

I'm one. Generally grow up in homes of, that are, got chaos. Moms who have extreme stress or moms who are struggling with identity challenges. Who am I? Where am I? ODDs, I mean, similar.

Kids are screaming for boundaries. Help, help, help, help, help. Show me boundaries. Hold boundaries. Love me. And it's hard. These aren't conversations about blame. These are conversations about tools, conversations about strategies, conversations about learning new things.

And we all can learn new things. I'm trying to do it every day. I'm proud of you for calling, Rosie. Proud of you for loving that little boy. And I want you to start loving Rosie. Be honest for the first time with that mom tomorrow. No showing, no performances, no just say, hey, I'm not doing okay. Start with vulnerability there, somebody you trust.

I recommend you call a counselor, maybe get back on that play therapy list and give it a shot. Let's start with vulnerability tomorrow. Proud of you, Rosie. Be right back on the Dr. John DeLong Show This show is sponsored by BetterHelp Alright, October is the season for wearing costumes and masks And if you haven't started planning your costume yet, get on it I'm pretty sure I'm going as Brad Pitt in Fight Club era Because, I mean, we pretty much have the same upper body,

but whatever. All right, look, it's costume season. And let's be honest, a lot of us hide our true selves behind costumes and masks more often than we want to. We do this at work, we do this in social setting, we do this around our families, we even do this with ourselves. I have been there multiple times in my life

and it's the worst. If you feel like you're stuck hiding your true self, I want you to consider talking with a therapist. Therapy is a place where you can learn to accept all the parts of yourself, where you can learn to be honest with yourself and you can take off the mask and the costumes and learn to live an honest, authentic, direct life. Costumes and masks should be for Halloween parties, not for our emotions and our true selves. If you're considering therapy, I want you to call my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy, and you can talk with your therapist anywhere so it's convenient for your

schedule. You just fill out a short online survey and you get matched with a licensed therapist. Plus, you can switch therapists at any time for no additional cost. Take off the costumes and take off the masks with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash deloney. All right, let's take one more. Marie in Des Moines, Des Moines, Iowa. What's up, Marie? Hi, Dr. John.

How are you? Remarkable. How are you? I'm well, thank you. Good. What's up? Well, I have a brother-in-law who is currently serving time for wire fraud. Oh, good.

Yes. Oh, good. Yeah. You sound thrilled, Marie. Congratulations. Yes, I'm really tickled about it. It's great. Tickled about it.

No. In reality, I'm really, really mad. You should be. You should be pissed off. Yes, yeah. And my sister, so his wife, has now finally hit that point where she's not in, you know, complete chaos of, I don't know when the next shoe is going to drop. So she is finally mad. And I am just trying to figure out how I be supportive of her, but also not just bash her husband, because I know

the time comes when he gets out that he's still a part of our family. And I still love him even though he made a huge mistake, but I'm really angry. I don't know how to support her and forgive him and rebuild relationships when that comes. Oh, you're awesome. You're awesome. She's lucky to have you as her sister. Alright, so are you ready for this? What's that? That's like a song. Y'all ready for this? I'm not going to do cartwheels across a basketball court, but here's a couple of

key things, and you're already there. I just want to reiterate them. Never, ever, ever talk bad about him in front of her. Her story is about her. Right. Your story will be about you, and you'll need to go other places for that than from her.

What you don't want to do is have a commiseration event. We all just sit together and talk about how crappy this guy is. And we screwed up everything. You need to love her and her grief and her pain. And then you need to have your grief somewhere else. Okay. Okay. Okay. And your grief is less at him.

You're rage pissed off at him and you should be. Idiot. He screwed up everything. Broke the law. But more so, this is really inconvenient. This blew up a picture of a good family. We had a deal about how Christmas was going to go,

and this idiot screwed it up. And now y'all are left picking up the pieces, right? Yes. Yes. So I want you to grieve the lost picture more than I want you to sit around being pissed off at him. Because you sitting around being pissed off

at him is just poisoning yourself hoping he gets more in jail. And he won't. He's already in jail. That ship sailed. So every moment you waste being angry at him is just a moment you're kind of choosing to live

a little bit shorter life. Because your body's stress chemicals are dealing with you, not him. Right. And then grieving the picture is sucks. Like, man, we thought it was going to look like this. And it's not. All grief is, is the gap between what I hoped for and what I thought was going to happen and what reality is. And that's where you're sitting right now. And I hate it for you. It's heartbreaking.

But we often take our rage and we wallpaper over our grief with it. And then we just die young or we get addicted to crap. Oh, no thanks. Yeah, exactly. So just go sit in the grief. And that might be writing a letter to him that you're never going to send him. That might be writing a letter to dear Christmas you're never going to send him. That might be writing a letter to dear Christmas. Here's how you are going to look.

And I know that sounds so lame, but there's something physiological about it and hyper psychologically cathartic about it. Writing a letter to Christmas. Dear Christmas, you are going to look like this. We are going to have a tree and Tom and Rick. We're going to be sitting around and there are going to be kids everywhere and it was going to smell like this. And now we're not. And here's what we're doing. And this sounds bananas.

I know. You are linking for – I'm going to simplify neurology here, neuroscience. You're linking your amygdala to your frontal lobe. You are letting that part of your brain that is spinning out trying to solve for chaos know that your brain is back in control of things. And it will go, ah, cool. What's next?

And then you can decide, all right, what is Christmas going to look like now? And then it becomes a, how are we going to plan it? And then when Christmas shows up, you're going to be sad. And I'm just using Christmas, right? This will be every birthday. This will be every family get-together.

This will be your Sunday luncheons, whatever it looks like. You'll be sad because there's an empty seat over there. And that stinks. And it's okay to be sad. How do I just listen to, like, I don't even know what to say to my sister or to her kids when it comes up. Like, I just kind of sit there like a lump on a log because I don't know what to say. So one of the greatest things you can offer somebody else in their grief is your presence, not your words. Okay.

Just showing up is important. And when they say things like, I can't believe my daddy did this, he embarrassed me, whatever, the conversation is, your response is, I'm so sorry you're hurting. I'm so sorry that your heart's broken. Nothing to do with him. Forget that guy. He's done his damage. There's a period at the end of his sentence. It's about their hurt in the present.

Okay. And if they invite you in to solutions, then you offer, well, what if we do Christmas? Then you start talking about solutions. But let them invite you in.

And it takes the pressure off of you. You don't have to perform. You just got to show up and be with and bring tacos. You know what I mean? Bring food and just sit. There's a lot of grief that happens underneath a blanket next to your sister watching The Office for the 40th time eating chips and salsa. Terrible dietary choice. Not good for you, but we're in this together. Or we're going to go for a walk. We're just going to go for a walk around the neighborhood. And here's a good boundary. If she's ranting and raving about her husband, there does come a moment when you say, you five minutes, and then we're not talking about him anymore. And you will get to model for her what a boundary can look like in this situation.

And it will be a gift to her because right now, everything in her life is consumed with this guy, this guy, this guy, this guy, this guy, and which, cause he's a threat. Her brain is searching for threats. He's a bear and her bear, her brain is trying to solve for the bear. And what you can do by saying, alright, you get five minutes and then we're going to go for a walk. Five minutes and then we're going to sit down and map out what Thanksgiving's going to look like. She gets to go, ah, bear! And then, back to

problem solving. Okay. It's and now what? And most of us get stuck in the and now what? And we try to get stuck in the, and now what? And we try to go back and edit sentences that have already been written in our lives. And the world is begging us to write something like, what do you write next? What's going to happen next?

Right. Well, yeah. Just the past three years of it has just seemed like we just keep waiting for the next worst thing. So the shoe dropped. What? Whammo. Yeah. And just given the nature of my job, there's always another shoe, right?

But always, always another shoe. But you can't, I mean, you can't live like that. No. So I'll give you a piece of advice that my buddy Todd gave me. He's a finance guy. You may have heard me say this on the show. I, man, I get set off from fiscal Trump. Like, it's all coming down.

We're going to be trading cigarettes and coffee and soil, that kind of stuff. And one day, he's a finance guy. He works for the, he's brilliant. And I was just peppering him with questions. What about this? And then what about that? What about that? And then if this happens, then that's going to happen. And they're going to call this. And here's what he told brilliant. And I was just peppering him with questions. What about this? And then what about that? What about that? And then if this happens,

then that's going to happen. And then they're going to call this. And here's what he told me. And I loved it. And I use it all the time now. He said, John, I don't have a meteorite plan. If we're just driving along and a meteorite hits us,

I'm going to deal with that when it happens. And that one sentence has rattled. I don't have a, what if an army rolls on my driveway? I'll solve that problem when it happens because it's not going to happen. And if it does, and I know there's people like, no, bro, you got to be prepared to get, okay, cool. Great. Now I've got lots of deep freezers and I got meat for a year. I'm still a prepper a little bit, but I don't have a meteorite plan. So if the mob shows up in six months, the mob shows up in six months. Let's plan Thanksgiving. Let's start exercising. Let's

you and your sister start a yoga class and just start going. Let's you have weekly ice cream with the kids. We don't talk about dad. We talk about school and girls and boys and gross stuff. And ew, you kiss somebody. We're going to go there. Just a weekly breakfast with Aunt Marie. Whatever. Or Sunday lunch at Marie's house. You get four minutes to talk about husband and then, ah, no more. We're not talking about that. We're going to talk about today. We're talking about tomorrow. We're minutes to talk about husband And then, ah, no more We're not talking about that, we're going to talk about today We're going to talk about tomorrow, we're going to talk about Thanksgiving We're going to talk about Christmas, we're going to talk about your birthday, whatever

Summer vacation And then if a meteorite hits We will deal with the meteorite then If another shoe comes flying through this house, great, we'll deal with it then And I love, love, love Your heart, Marie, so great Gosh, your sister's so lucky to have you Awesome, awesome And I love, love, love your heart, Marie. So great. Gosh, your sister's so lucky to have you.

Awesome, awesome. You're making my heart about humanity feel better. One person at a time, Marie. Don't need to say the right things. Just show up with tacos and a half bottle of wine or something. And just say, I hate that. So sorry. Man, what a gift.

All right, as we wrap up today's show. Oh, yikes. Song's a little bit on the nose, sort of. I don't mean for it to be. So everybody, palate cleanser. Off the Take Off Your Pants and Jacket album. Blink-182. Songs stay together for the kids. Not really applicable to this last

call. It's just a song. Goes like this. It's hard to wake up when the shades have been pulled shut. This house is haunted. It's so pathetic and it makes no sense at all. And I'm ripe with things to say and the words rot and fall away. What stupid poem could fix this home?

I'd read it every day. So here's your holiday. Hope you enjoy it this time. You gave it all away, and it was mine. So when you're dead and gone, will you remember this night? 20 years now lost. It's not right. Actually, it's like that last call. It's not right.

I'm sorry y'all are going through this, and the question we all have to ask ourselves is, now what? Right here on the Dr. John Deloney Show.