The Dr. John Delony Show - I Feel Like Life Has Passed Me By

Episode Date: October 21, 2022

On this episode, we talk with: - A woman who feels she missed out on her youth having married her high school sweetheart - A man wondering how to best care for himself and his fiancée who suffers from bipolar disorder - A mother unsure of what boundaries she should set with her son who’s struggled with addiction and mental illness for 9 years Lyrics of the Day: "Champagne Supernova" - Oasis Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show.  Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp DreamCloud Churchill Mortgage Thorne Add products to your cart create an account at checkout Receive 25% off ALL orders Resources: Own Your Past, Change Your Future Questions for Humans Conversation Cards Redefining Anxiety Quick Read John’s Free Guided Meditation Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately. Learn more about your ad choices. https://www.megaphone.fm/adchoices Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. I only feel comfortable initiating sex with my husband when under the influence of alcohol. My parents died when I was 15 and 17. I've not been able to experience other people or myself. There's a possibility that your body is highly attuned to, relationships will get you hurt. Woo! What's up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show.

Hope you're ready for the greatest mental health and parenting and relationship podcast ever, ever recorded. So glad that you're with us. If you want to be on the show, go to johndeloney.com slash ask ASK or give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291 and leave a message and Jenna will check it out and give you a buzz back. Don't forget, an easy way to support this show, no money, about 30 seconds of your time, leave a five-star review, particularly comment on my cool clothes and

subscribe to the show wherever you listen to it. If you watch it on YouTube, if you listen to it on podcast, please subscribe. It helps kick it up into the algorithms. And there's just, we're finding that our retention of the show. So what that means is when people hear it, they stick around and it's our metrics for people who get the show, listen to the show. So what that means is when people hear it, they stick around and it's, it's our metrics for people who get the show, listen to the show and they come back and listen to the whole episode is, um, really unheard of in the podcasting industry. The industry folks who come look at our numbers are just astounded. And so what that tells us is the more people we can get in front of, the more people we can help. And man, I could

care less about the YouTube numbers. I really care about building communities where my kids can grow up and be safe and be loved and have new tools for dealing with the craziness life throws at us. So thank you for subscribing. Thank you for your five-star reviews all right before we jump into the show um if you don't get your news from marginal revolution uh these two guys are um they are right down the middle they're all over everybody because they do use this crazy thing called data to point things out and they use this crazy thing called facts to point things out so they are political up the middle and they just provide insights into things in very unique ways. So Alex Tabarrok posted today, this is Petrov Day. And so I want to read this. It's Petrov Day. And I believe that the ability to be calm in a state of crisis, when things hit the fan,

being calm is a superpower. It helps everything. This is when your kid is throwing a temper tantrum. This is when your husband has left his underwear on the floor again. This is when your wife says, hey, whatever. The ability to be calm is a superpower, which brings me to Petrov day. Here we go. Today, we honor Stencilov Petrov, whose calm actions in general humanity, get this, helped prevent nuclear war on September 26th, 1983. I'll skip forward. Here's what happened. He was the guy in Russia during the Cold War when, if you don't remember the Cold War, if you weren't born yet, it was Russia built some nukes and then we built more nukes and then they built more nukes in response to our nukes. And we're like, oh yeah, hold my

beer. We'll make even more nukes. And they're like, oh yeah, hold a case of beer. And then pretty soon everyone's drunk and we got tons of nukes everywhere, right? So then there was, it was mutually assured destruction. If you launch one of yours, we're launching all nukes everywhere, right? So then there was, it was mutually assured destruction. If you launch one of yours, we're launching all of ours. Well, if you launch all of yours, I'll launch all of ours. And so then there was two people with their fingers on the button going, you won't do it, you won't do it, you won't do it.

And my dad grew up in a world where he was doing nuclear weapon drills because they were pointed right at us. And I'll never forget reading an interview with a Russian military guy who said, our job, our plan wasn't to defeat America. Our plan wasn't to cripple the American economy. Our plan was to end life on the North American continent, period. And the way he said it was so ice cold. So that's the context. And all of a sudden, the guy in Russia responsible for manning the satellites, manning the

all of a sudden the alarms go off. The US has fired nukes, returned fire. And it goes on to say, the 44-year-old Lieutenant Colonel in the Soviet Air Defense Forces was a few hours into a shift when computers warned that five intercontinental ballistic missiles had been launched from an American base. For 15 seconds, I was in total shock. We needed to understand what's next. The alarm sounded. It was on. And just a week before, Russia had shot down a commercial airliner full of 269 people, killing everybody on board, including a US congressman. So it was already like game on, game on. And there was every reason to believe that the US just finally said, you know what,

screw it. It's on. You killed one of our congressmen. You shot down a plane full of citizens. Game on. You're done. But he stayed calm. And for five nerve-wracking minutes, electronic maps and screens were flashing as he held a phone in one hand and an intercom in the other, trying to absorb the information. And he later explained it was a 50-50 guess, but here's what he did. He stayed super calm and realized They wouldn't fire just five missiles at us. That doesn't make any sense The data suggests I know the alarms are sounding everybody's screaming nuclear war nuclear war The data suggests the fact suggests there's a glitch in the matrix. Something's not right And so he didn't fire back and it turns out it was a a mistake otherwise he would have

launched and it would have looked like a preemptive strike by russia with all of their nuclear weapons and none of us would be having this conversation because the world would be in nuclear winter and then get this he died at 77 on may 19th in a moscow suburb where he lived alone on a pension and his death was not widely reported. Meaning the single person who was responsible for being calm in this single tensest moment ever in the history of the earth, except for maybe when a comet hit, died quietly alone in a suburb in Russia somewhere. And he'll be lost to the annals of history. And we're all here because he acted calm because he was chill. So I salute Petrov on National Petrov Day.

All right, so let's go to Lee in Chico. What's up, Lee? Hi, Dr. John. How are you? I'm good. How are you? I'm doing good thanks for asking you got it what's up uh yeah so i feel like i kind of have a loaded question here so i'm just gonna put it all out there and then i guess we can piece it from there there you go let's do it um so um i only feel

comfortable initiating sex um with my husband of seven years when under the influence of alcohol. We're high school sweethearts and have been together for 17 years. My parents died when I was 15 and 17. My mom was at 15. My dad was at 17. Oh, geez. and 17. My mom was at 15. My dad was at 17. Um, and now being, you know, 31, I kind of feel like my youth passed me and, uh, I've not been able to like experience other people or myself. Excuse me. I'm a little like nervous. No, it's good. You're all good. I I'm nervous too. So we'll be nervous. Perfect. Um, I, again, uh, I, I just,

I also feel like emotionally responsible for my husband, especially when he says things like I'd be lost without you, et cetera, et cetera. Um, well, on the other hand, I finally feel like I would be okay if all this ended now um i used to not want to be alone because i was abandoned um but now i'm finally kind of comfortable with it and uh basically i just feel guilty for these feelings but also angry that i didn't get to experience life and growing up like my peers. So obviously there's a lot of layers to this. Yeah, totally.

Thanks for, you've thought through this. Have you been in counseling before? I have. I have been in counseling before. Your ability to pull this, to pull these apart in that way is, suggests you've already done some work on yourself over the years. Is that fair? That's fair.

Yeah. Cool. That's awesome. Um, where do you want to start? Because, um, there's several,

there's, there's some mechanical stuff. There's some feeling stuff. There's some norming and some anger stuff. And then there's just like doing it stuff. Where do you want us to, where do you want to start? Um, let's start with who the hell am I?

Yeah, let's start there. I mean. How old were your parents when they passed? My mom was 54 and my dad was 52. Okay. Oh, and to add on to this, I was adopted before I was even born. Why not? Why not? Why not?

Why not? Let's just drop that in there. Let's add some more. But for me, yeah. No, my parents are the ones who raised me, but that probably has some identity issues in itself. Well, there's a possibility that your body is highly attuned to relationships will get you hurt. And the more weight gets puts on to those relationships, the more your body is trying to protect you. Is that fair? Fair. And so when your husband thinks he is connecting with you saying, um, you're my everything. You saved me, you're the only one for me, I can't breathe without you.

Those sound cool when they're in song lyrics and hip hop videos. For somebody whose body says, hey, if you get too close, somebody dies. If you get too close, somebody will leave. That can, on the flip side, that can be torture, right? Definitely. Woven through here, are you going to leave him?

No. Are you done being married to him? No. Okay. It's okay. I mean, I don't say it's okay, but it's best to be honest up front. Can I just tell you it's okay to be angry? If I were you, I would be so pissed.

Yeah. I'd be pissed at my birth parents. Like, what was wrong with me? What was wrong with y'all? I would be pissed at my adoptive parents who clearly loved me and took me in, and then they went and died on me. Screw them. Right. And I would be pissed that I've been with my high school sweetheart. I don't even kissed anybody else. I never made out with it. I don't know what life was like.

I just got this guy. Right. You see what I'm saying? Your anger and frustration and heartbreak, all real, all good. Okay? Okay. You're not crazy. You're not like a bad person. You're not a bad person wondering what it would have been like to make out with the other guy on the football team and I got this, yahoo. That's not a weird thing, right? Yeah.

You're not broken or weird or strange. Have you ever talked about this Yahoo, right? That's not a weird thing, right? You're not broken or weird or strange. Have you ever talked about this with your husband? I have, and he doesn't understand. We actually had a couple of conversations about it and he just doesn't understand why I would have those thoughts or, you know, I don't know. We're polar opposites, right? I always tell everyone I'm loud and obnoxious and he's quiet and reserved except for around me. Obviously we get along great. Um, but I just think we've experienced this world differently. Um, and so it's hard for him to understand where I'm coming from. And obviously it's hard for him to understand where I'm coming from. And obviously it's hard for me to understand where he's coming from.

So although we've had, had those conversations, we haven't done like marriage counseling. We have talked about it. We just did a big move. So we're waiting to get settled and set up with our jobs and help and all that stuff. So there's a lot going on. There's a lot going on. There's a lot going on. What precipitated this call?

What happened? That conversation, granted that conversation was a couple months ago. I'm also, again, really loud, outgoing. I work for sales, so I'm out with people all the time and like coworkers. And, um, I don't know. I feel like I've tended to put myself in situations where the question about what it would be like to be with somebody else could have been answered.

Um, and I don't know if I'm like subconsciously like putting myself there or if it just happens or I don't know. Uh, it's probably both. And um, I wouldn't surprise me at all that your body is screaming and yelling and trying banging every trash can that it can um to get you to actually connect with somebody and you can put yourself in really stupid positions to blow up your marriage and hook up with somebody on a business trip too it can be both and does that make sense definitely um it's real easy to how y'all been married what seven years seven years yeah but together for 17 yeah um this is this is the season when um seven to ten years is one of the big markers when people start saying, oh, this is it. This is my life.

And they start looking for ways to get their heart rate back up or, in other words, to feel alive. And, God, it feels so good when somebody who you're attracted to, who you think is a little bit funny, you think is a little bit silly, when they recognize you. Yeah. And when your introverted husband comes home and grabs a bush tall boy and puts his feet up. He's a great guy and he's lovely and he pays the bills and he is kind and he cares about you. But I'm not alive. Yeah, I just wish we were a little more alike sometimes. Yeah. So what it sounds like here, I think there is a difference between feelings being understood and being considered valid.

And there is a chance, and that's not a chance, he will never understand what you went through as a kid, even though y'all were together, right? I mean, he was with you. Right. He was there through all of it i mean he skateboarded to my mother's funeral when his parents wouldn't take him like he's a great great guy and i love him he's my best friend um which is why i feel so guilty for feeling the way i do yeah but i don't think it's about him i think it's about you i think you are trying to feel alive again I don't think you don't like him but you're chasing aliveness out there if you think it's something you can go get

instead of something that you become from the inside out and so he's not going to understand what he has to do is consider things valid and what you're not going to understand him but you have to consider his needs and feelings valid too does that make sense? is consider things valid. And what you're not going to understand him, but you have to consider his needs and feelings valid too. Does that make sense? Yes.

And y'all desperately need counseling, not because I think your marriage is broken or in trouble or anything like that. I think that you'll have to come up with new ways of new language to speak to one another, new ways to paint new pictures. And he's going to have to realize that he's going to have to give on some things to help you meet your needs. He's going to have to go dancing and make out in a hallway somewhere.

You know what I'm saying? Yeah. He's going to have to come home and y'all have kids? No kids. Okay. He's going to have to come surprise you at work and pick you up for a weekend rendezvous like he's gonna have he's gonna have to make that a part of his day the same way some other guys have to learn how to empty the dishwasher i need some help here or help with

kids bedtime um he's gonna have to get over himself and some of that stuff okay i don't understand why you need to go to a hotel and peel the wallpaper off with i don't care that's you that's you being open and saying here's what i need and him saying like i and you saying i don't know why you just want to watch count on sit on the couch and watch the office again like you're gonna have to learn how to find intimacy in those moments. Okay. So it's y'all both learning each other's need language. Um, what else do you avoid by drinking? Cause it's not just sex. What else is it? Um, I don't, I don't, not sure. Like what I'm a, I don't know, maybe just me. Like I just, I, I'm up, I'm like outgoing and I'll talk to anybody even without.

Yeah. But that's a, that's performance. That is a way to keep people at a distance from you. Cause I do it too. This is the pot talking to the kettle here You and I can sing and dance And it lets people feel like Dude, we are so close And that is the way I protect myself

Yeah Maybe that's it Of course it is And it's not a bad thing Being outgoing is super fun. I get into some more zany, fun situations. But I also have to be careful not to get myself in dangerous situations. Yeah.

Right? Definitely. Because people think, oh, they think this is funny, and they're allowed like this. They're probably into this. Fair? Fair. And then you think, ah, what would it be like to be into this? And now we're in a mess.

So what else do you drink from to hide from? What is it that you're avoiding when you're initiating sex with alcohol? Myself, feeling uncomfortable. I was also raised in a very religious background and my body is not my own. And so I feel like sometimes having alcohol like allows me to like express myself. Whereas if I'm not drinking or sober, like it's really hard to get in touch with like that side. So I can imagine. Um,

I mean, I was raised in a strict religious home too. I get that sentiment, but you're 31 now and you've been with this guy for 17 years, married for seven. At some point you're choosing to hang on to that narrative. Why? What is that narrative getting you?

I mean, it's not getting me anything, but. Right? It's getting you something. What is it? Control, maybe. The illusion of, and that control is strangling you and your marriage. Yeah. Because there's also the other side where your husband probably loves drinking Leah.

He loves hooking up with two drinks, Leah. And he's asking himself, what is it about me that she has to have a few drinks to want to sleep with me? Yeah. You know what I mean? Are you, is there any chance you're drinking to be able to do things you don't normally want to do? No,

I'm just, I guess when I included that, like outside of drinking, like if my husband initiates usually like two times out of 10, I'm like, all right, let's go. I guess it just gives me a little more freedom to express it. I don't really know.

My guess is, and I can be way off, my guess is you also drink when you're on business trips too because it helps grease the wheels of a fun conversation. And it might help you at parties to have one or two drinks or to pregame a little bit and then to get there because you're a little bit more fun and a little bit louder. Here's the thing. You like that other version of yourself. Is that fair? That's fair. It may not be. Tell me if I'm wrong.

I mean, here's what makes it kind of complicated is I work in the industry. So all business trips include alcohol. All meetings include... My work involves alcohol. You know what I mean? Yeah, it's everywhere. So it's an integral part of my career. So the people I've talked to in the past that have said the exact same thing you have

that they need to have a couple of drinks before they can have the kind of sex they want to have with their partner almost all of them no actually all of them have said the path out of that was to first stop drinking it had less to do with sex and more to do with, I use alcohol for a number of things to either become somebody that I think is a better version of myself or to get through things that I don't normally want to do like a party or some, like something sexual that my partner wants to do that I'm not really into, but I'll, I'll, I'll drink a couple of drinks. I can get through it for them. Um, it all comes back to, I'm going to stop drinking to avoid my life, which then means I got to deal with my life.

Yeah. Where do I start with that? What am I left with? Dude, you got to call another podcast for that one. I know, right? So when it comes to, let's just pick sex as an example. The choice to enter into, I am going to pick action A, B, and C. I'm going to do these things. I like them when we do them. I have fun. I like being reckless and silly. And tonight I'm not going to do these things. I like them when we do them. I have fun. I like being reckless and

silly. And tonight I'm not going to drink. Every step of the way where you feel uncomfortable, or you feel nervous, or you feel exposed, or you feel too connected for your bodies to feel safe, because super connection means, uh-oh. It's about being curious about those moments and acknowledging those moments, not trying to avoid them. Does that make sense? It will feel very clinical in some ways. And it would help to be open with your husband about it. Like, hey, this is what I'm attempting to do. I'm attempting for the first time in a long time to do life without drinking. And so it may be halfway through, I'm like, ah, we got to go for a run, right?

And be patient with me, whatever. It might not be, and it might be that you enter into that space and you have a panic attack. And so it's about going there with somebody you trust. And clearly you trust this guy truly.

He's somebody who's safe. My fear is you begin to live in numb land, in a numb world, and you begin to want to drag the fantasy, the what ifs, the questions out of a conversation with your husband and into reality. And I will tell you with all of my heart that will not fix the big giant hole inside of you. It will blow up everything. Yeah. Wonder is fun and wonder is cool and wonder is frustrating and wonder is heartbreaking. I wonder if, I wonder what would have been. Yeah. you wouldn't care if this all ended. What did you mean? Um, well, you talked about being numb, just kind of going through the motions. That's where I feel like I'm at. I've been going through the motions for so long, you know, parents ask in high school,

okay, what's the goal? Finish high school. All right. Now I've got to go to college. Okay. College. All right. Now I've got to find a job, get the career. Okay. Have the career. All right. Well, uh, we've been together for so long. Let's get married because the only thing that makes sense if we're living together. Okay. Did that. So now it's like all of those things have completed, checked them off the to-do list, if you will. And now I'm just stuck here like 16 years later, like what the heck am I doing? And again, what if it wasn't like that?

And what if- Okay, hold on, hold on. But it is. That what if is not helpful because it is the what if like what if I dated somebody else what if I

those are all like interesting rabbit trails the what if I hadn't done my life like this is not helpful the only question there that's helpful is what is my life

going to look like tomorrow because that's the only thing you can toggle. That's the only thing you can adjust. So where do you start? Lee, what do you want? I just want to be happy. What does that even mean? I want my what if and what if, not what if, that's the wrong word to use. I want me considering other people. I want that to be me and my husband. That makes sense. You know what I mean? It doesn't my husband. That makes sense. You know what I mean?

It doesn't make sense. Say it again. So I guess I want my relationship with my husband to be all of those things that I am looking for in other people. Like I want it to be him, but it's not. Like, I feel like he's, like, not trying. Like, anytime we go out, I get all dressed up. I do all the things. And, you know, when we're talking about sex and coming down to that, like,

I'm the one who has to, like, do everything. And I just, I've been doing everything my whole life for myself, for other people, for my job. Like, why can't somebody just do something for me? Now we're there. All the other conversation was window dressing. He has been with you and he skateboarded your mom's funeral. This guy's been your ride or die for a long time.

And if you've heard me quote the great Esther Perel, most adults have three to four to five deep, passionate loves in their adult lifetime. And if they work really hard, it's with the same person. And what he hasn't realized

is that you have changed. And he hasn't realized is that you have changed. And he hasn't. And you haven't fully told him. Because you don't want to hurt him. And you're afraid he's going to leave. Have you sat down and said not, I want you to this and you never, here's what I need. Have you sat down and had that conversation? No. Okay. I would start that conversation if I'm you, or let me put it this way. I have started this conversation with my wife with,

I haven't been telling you the truth. I have been acting like everything's okay and it's not, and that's not on you. That's on me. I haven't fully spoken my needs out loud. Here's what they are. And very clear. And then I have to hold my breath because she might say, I'm not going dancing with you. I'm she might say i'm not i'm not going dancing with you i'm not whatever i'm not doing those things i don't even understand why i don't need you to understand why i'm just telling you here's what i need and at least in my house those conversations have been life-altering. But it started with me being honest for the first time.

So here's my homework assignment for you, okay? Okay. Everything feels out there and in the ether. And it also feels very unsexy to tell him, I need you just to pick me up from work one day and take me dancing. I need you to pick me up one day and just have already bought concert tickets and let's just go. I need to come home one day and you're just wearing chaps and nothing else. And I don't know what your things are, right?

I don't know what it is. But it feels unsexy like he should just read your mind and know those things that are going to complete you. And it's not fair. He doesn't know and waiting until you don't get what you want or that he's not doing what you what you had hoped in your imagination or in your fantasy world that he was due or comparing him against your fantasy version of your co-workers of that good-looking guy that makes good money that's pretty funny that's funny drunk and he thinks you're hilarious and he says dude you look good. Comparing him to

that fantasy of that guy is not fair. It's just not cool because your picture of that guy is not real and you're not being fully honest with your husband. And so I want you to get a piece of paper. Here's your homework. I want you to buy a spiral, a piece of paper, whatever it is, and be very specific. Here's what I need. And I think you've heard me say on the show, one of those things for me is me telling my wife, I need you to tell me sometimes that you're proud of me. Because all of the work I'm doing is just trying to make you be impressed. It was that literal. I need you to say the words, I'm proud of you sometimes. And whenever she said them the first few times, I was like, oh, you're just saying it because I told you to. But you know what? It still felt good.

And I had to ask myself, why are you chasing this? Why are you chasing her approval? And that was a longer journey for me to work through on my own. But it starts with being very, very specific. Okay? And give him a chance to become what you need.

And by the way, you give yourself a chance to actually be fully loved 100% because you don't. You hold stuff in because you don't want to get, because the people who have loved you in the past left you

and you don't want to give it all out because somebody may leave again. And so, you know what? I'm going to actually cut him off, put my attention over here, and then he'll either leave or I'll have reason to go because it's just going to pile up on the things he's not doing that he doesn't even know he's supposed to be doing. Whatever. You just get into this dance, turn the lights on, stop the dance and say, here's what I need from you because I want us to be what's in my head, what I need right now. Give him a chance. It'll be one of the biggest risks of your life. And I would say almost two decades of being together from the guy that skateboarded down the street to make your mom's funeral

to the guy that said, I do. I think he's worth that. And most importantly, I think you're worth that. Stay on the line. I'm going to send you a copy of Own Your Past, Change Your Future.

I want you to read it through together and y'all can begin to ask yourself the scariest question any of us can ask, which is, what do I do now? We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. October is the season for wearing costumes. And if you haven't started planning your costume, seriously, get on it. I'm pretty sure I'm going to go as Brad Pitt because we have the same upper body, but whatever. Look, it's costume season. And if we're being honest, a lot of us hide our true selves behind masks and costumes more often than we want to.

We do this at work. We do this in social settings. We do this around our own families. We even do this with ourselves. I have been there multiple times in my life, and it's the worst. If you feel like you're stuck hiding your true self behind costumes and masks, I want you to consider talking with a therapist. Therapy is a place where you can learn to accept all the parts of yourself, where you can be honest with yourself,

and where you can take off the mask and the costumes and learn to live an honest, authentic life. Costumes and masks should be for Halloween parties, not for our emotions and our true selves. If you're considering therapy, I want you to call my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy. You can talk with your therapist anywhere so it's convenient for just about any schedule.

You just get online and you fill out a short survey and you'll be matched with a licensed therapist and you can switch therapist at any time for no additional cost. Take off the costumes and take off the masks with BetterHelp. Visit BetterHelp.com slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Deloney. All right, we're back. Let's go to Chris in D-Town, Dallas, Texas. What's up, Chris? Hey, Dr. John, how's it going? Partying, dude. What are you up to?

Oh, nothing much. Thank you for taking my call. I really appreciate it. Absolutely, brother. What's up, man? How can I help? All right. So my question is, how can I best support my fiance with her bipolar diagnosis while also still taking care of myself and making sure that I'm good mentally? Tell me about it. A little backstory here. Yeah, what are y'all going through? So it all started last year. We've been together five years.

So starting last year, we had a pretty rough year. Started off, we lost my dad to cancer back in February of last year. And then fast forward to May, she graduated college, doing good, looking for jobs. And then she started getting just really, really depressed, like couldn't get out of bed. Um, she ended up going into a manic episode and ended up wanting to hurt herself. Um, we had to hospitalize her for 10 days and, you know, she's, they got her stabilized. She got out and for probably the next four or five months, she just had little episodes about every couple of weeks. Um,

I ended up quitting my job to stay home with her, take care of her, make sure she, you know, didn't go out and do anything that was going to hurt her or anything like that. And I mean, that was really, really tough on me. A lot of things happened. We got into a lot of fights and, you know, a lot of things were said. And it was just really, really tough on me. A lot of things. You said a lot of stupid stuff or she said a lot of stupid stuff to you. It was a lot of mostly, I mean, that was the first time that I had dealt with that.

That was the first time I went through that with her. Hold on, hold on. I want you to hear, I want you to pay close attention to your distancing language. Some tough things were said that absolves people from hurt. Either you hurt somebody and you don't like who you became in those moments trying to take care of her, or you didn't know she was capable of saying some of that stuff and she hurt you. What was it? I mean, honestly, it was a lot of both of us.

We both said a lot of things and did a lot of things that, you know, hurt each other. And, um, you know, it's, for me, it was hard to kind of decipher, you know, whether that was actually her saying those things to me. And, you know, like I said, that was the first time I went through that. And that was just, it's hard to hear a lot of those things. And so I reacted not in the best way to it. Okay. And so, yeah, I mean, that was definitely on both of us. So are you back at work? Yeah. So I started a new job. Um, I ended up, you know, having a hard time finding a job. Um, you know, I was at home for

almost four months after that, after she's found a job and, you know, things went back to normal. Well, fast forward to about three weeks ago. Um, she was in a new job for about two months. It was her dream job. She loved it. It was pretty abnormal hours. Um, and they kind of forced her out. They, the girl that was her boss just didn't really want her there and kind of gave her the option to either leave or stay in a toxic work environment. So we talked about it. Hold on. I want to make sure that we're using affirmative language, okay? And I'll tell you at the end why this is important.

In this current market where it's very, very hard to find employees right it's been my experience that people are reticent to just like i don't like her i'm just going to be mean to her and try to force her out or can you with like clear cleaning your glasses and looking objectively is there a chance that your fiance was a terrible employee? She didn't show up on time. She snapped at people. She had little miniature episodes at work and it was just too much. I mean, I don't think she was a terrible employee.

I think it was a learning curve for her. Okay. She was new to this industry and she was learning and she wanted to learn and they kind of put her in a position that, you know, she either learned it on her own or, you know, it didn't work out. And I don't think it had anything to do with her being a bad employee. But she, but clearly she wasn't able to get the job that they wanted done.

Yes. Or it couldn't get it done in the way. There were some unrealistic expectations out of her. Okay. And I'll say, I mean, yeah, ultimately here's the deal.

You can't as much as you want to and you're a good guy, you can't fix her. Right. bipolar, but instead focusing on how can I love her and support her while she addresses the behaviors that makes her life more difficult. Exactly. If you try to go after bipolar, that's a moving target. Different people will diagnose you with different things and bipolar one. Ah, well, the hypomania is a little bit low. So we're going to roll you off to bipolar two. The meds are just throwing spaghetti at the wall sometimes. And so there's a lot of toggling and a lot of fixing. And if you can get somebody who is truly bipolar one, and bipolar two too, but

to take their meds, you can see some extraordinary success. Yeah. Still going to be lows and still going to be highs, but it does make life much easier to live. You know what I mean? Right. And that's,

I mean, that's the reason for what happened last year. She got off of her meds. She didn't like how they made her feel. And, you know,

she got off of them and then that happened. Okay. And, you know, I've really tried to be on her. You can't, you can't, man. You can't be on her.

You're not her dad. You're somebody who loves her. Yeah. And it's hard because you, the longer I, that's a parenting analogy, I don't do that. The more you intervene and confirm to her that she is broken and damaged and unable to care for herself in any capacity. The more you come in and try to take over and quote unquote be on her about taking her stuff and doing the right, the more you do that, the more her ability to get with her doctor and to follow her doctor's plans and to build that resilience and that muscle, it just atrophies over time. The helplessness increases. Does that make sense?

No. Yeah, that definitely makes sense. What, what not always and again i i would want to talk to her and make sure she's got the right psychiatric care often the greatest gift you can give somebody who is struggling with mental health if they're with their mental health challenges particularly in something like schizophrenia, something like bipolar, one of the schizoaffective disorders, is that you be very, very well. Meaning you set the mark for, I am never gonna miss a day of exercise. I'm gonna get plugged into a spiritual community. I'm going to have my own friends.

I'm going to eat as best as I can. I'm gonna do work that matters. I'm not gonna owe a bunch of people money. I'm going to do work that matters. I'm not going to owe a bunch of people money, so I'm not stressed all the time. And what you're doing is you're creating an environment of peace that often somebody with bipolar doesn't even understand. It's different air. It's a purity of oxygen they've never breathed before. And instead of you bringing your chaos to an already chaotic environment and trying to demand clarity in that chaotic environment. It doesn't work.

Right. See what I'm saying? Yes. Yeah. And it feels like, let me put it this way, and this is going to sound harsh. If you said, I'm going to love you every day, but I'm not going to call you and check up on you every day and see if you took your meds. I'm going to trust you. And I know that you've been diagnosed with X or Y in this relationship. We cannot lie to one another, we have to tell the truth or i have to ask myself hard questions about being married to somebody who doesn't tell the truth you cannot hit me you cannot go off on

three day disappear for three days or five days and end up with somebody that we used to know and then just roll it up. That might be a function of your disorder. That might be a function of some of your manic behaviors. That is not something I'm going to tolerate in this relationship. So if you want to be in this relationship with me, you're going to have to be extra direct with your psychiatrist. You have to be extra intentional about taking your medication. You have to be extra intentional about being honest with me. See what I'm saying? I'm taking bipolar off the table.

I'm dealing with these behaviors because what you're going to do is you're going to end up her dad. Right. That's exactly how I feel. Right. And that's not your job. Your job is to love her.

Be her partner, not her father. And you can also find yourself after your dad passed away. Suddenly the world feels a lot less, a lot less in control. It feels out of control. It feels chaotic and mayhem. And dude, I'm going to tighten my grip on this one relationship that I got left. And what you end up doing is you tighten your grip so much, you strangle the whole thing. Yeah, I mean,

that's exactly how I feel like, feel like what I'm doing right now. It's not working? No, not at all. I just, I just feel like I'm pushing her away when I'm not meaning to.

Yes. Yes. And it's just falling apart right underneath my nose, you know? Yes. So here's the exercise for you. Okay. Stop looking at her like she's some sort of dysfunctional,

broke down car that you've got to walk nine miles to a gas station with one of those red gas cans to fill up with gas. She is a person, a friend, your girlfriend. You love her. You all probably laugh like crazy. When she's up, I bet she is a rocket ship to be around, huh? Very much so. Yeah.

Like the funnest, my favorite friends I've got are my bipolar friends when they're up. They're a riot, dude. It's incredible. And it makes me forget sometimes the totality of our relationship. Because when things are bad, they're real, real bad. Yeah, exactly. So I want you to stop looking like she can't think for herself and do for herself and exist for herself. And I want you to have a crazy she can't think for herself and do for herself and exist for herself. And I want you to have a crazy conversation.

Ask her this question. Say, hey, I've been trying to act like your dad, and I don't know how this happened. I was just trying to love you, and I'm a good Texas male. And so I try to love by dominating, and I'm not going to do that anymore. I love you too much. How can I best love you right now? Ask her that anymore. I love you too much. How can I best love you right now? Ask her that question. Okay.

What do you need from me? And then tell her, I'm used to telling you to take your meds every day on that. You know that. I'm not going to do that. That's between you and your doctor. I'll go with you to the appointments

if you'd like. But at the end of the day, you've got to want to be well. And for her, meds might be a part of her life forever. They might just be. Great. Cool. I'm not going to lose sleep over that. We're just going to make that a part of our life. And if they start to make her not feel good, then we're going to find different ones. We're not just going to quit because we know what happens when we quit, right? But again, she's got to want that. And you're going to have to practice not trying to lord over, but you're going to have to practice being with. And that means you're gonna have to have boundaries

that when you show up and she's seven beers in, you say, I told you, I'm not interested in being around you when you're drunk. You say things, I say things, I'm stepping out of this. If you go, I'm gonna, you're gonna make those choices. I love you with all my heart, but I'm also gonna hold these boundaries, right? Right, right. That's exactly how that goes, right? Yep. Yes. Or she calls you at 2 a.m. and says, I want you to come over and I need to be with you right now.

And you say, I've got to sleep because I got work. Doesn't mean that I don't love you. It means that I've got to take care of myself. If you don't come over right now, I'm going to call. If you do that, that's great. You're opting out of relationship with me, but I'm going back to bed. I love you.

Okay. Right? Yeah. Here's the other side Chris She might call that guy She might get super Super Super drunk

And you might have to call 911 But you can't be her dad Right Right You don't like that do you No it's just Not that I don't like that, do you? No, it's just not that I don't like it. It's just it's going to be something that I just have to work on and something we're going to have to talk about.

And we got into therapy, and we were doing great. And then another episode happened, and our therapist was just like, I don't know enough about her situation. I think y'all should find somebody else. And kind of just left us hanging there. So we're going to look into somebody else, get back into therapy, and just figure this out. Okay.

At the end of the day, only person on planet Earth you can control is you. Your thoughts and your actions. Your boundaries and your choices. That's it. That's it. That's it.

That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. So make the decision to ask yourself, what are the things I need to do to be well? What are my boundaries forget the bipolar diagnosis? What are my boundaries you cannot tell me you hate me you cannot tell me to go blank myself you cannot um

sleep with somebody that's not like that's that's You you can't get super high or super coked up and run around the neighborhood. Like you can't do these things. I won't be in partnership with somebody. I won't commit my life romantically to somebody. I won't try to build a life with somebody who is unable to be integrous, be a person of fidelity. And I will love you, but I can't be your dad.

And that's going to be hard, hard, hard for you. I think all of this starts with you asking her that one magic question. How can I best love you? Because the way I'm trying to have loved you for the last five years isn't working. I want to try something new. And you, my brother, are going to have to practice opening your hand up, saying I love you and here's my brother, are going to have to practice opening your hand up, saying, I love you, and here's my boundary.

Appreciate your heart, man. Got to do something different this time. And yes, go find another therapist, one that will stick with you guys and that better knows how to teach people the skills of loving one another when somebody's got bipolar. It's out there. It exists.

You can't have a happy marriage. She's going to work at it. We'll be right back. All right, we are back. Let's go to Catherine in Lexington. What's up, Catherine? Hi, Dr. Deloney. I deeply appreciate you speaking with me today. I appreciate you calling in. How can I help? So my question is, I have a 30-year-old son, almost 31, who has struggled with addiction, mental illness for the past nine, 10 years. And I've just become so frustrated that I'm wondering, is it ever okay to just say, hey, don't contact me until you've been sober for a year or some amount of time. Yes. And my mind knows that's okay,

but how do I tell the rest of me, my heart and my emotions? And I mean, because it's been a roller coaster for, you know, years. What's he running from? Well, I don't know. My best guess is his dad died when he was 15. So that was back in 2007.

My daughter and I handled it, you know, we talked to each other, but he would just be completely shut down. If you cried about it, it was just like, you could see him trying to run out of the room. And at the time, you know, I went to therapy and they recommend, they did not recommend me forcing him. Cause he said, you know, that's not going to help if he's unwilling. And now I feel like he's unwilling to stick with anything in his life. You know, I mean, he's just he's been in and out of psychiatric hospitals, treatment centers, homeless, and it's heartbreaking. And I know from my own counseling and from trying to be healthy myself that I can't control what he's doing,

but I just don't know how to sit with it and accept it. Maybe that's the better thing. And I feel like the resources in our country are pretty, it's just super hard when he gets in a hospital and still things happen and he doesn't get help. It's just, you know, it's, it's a struggle because there's just not much to do to help somebody, no matter how mentally ill he seems. Yeah. And it sounds like he's dealing less with mental health issues and more psychosis.

He has. I mean, he has struggled with both, but it's very hard for me to tell you if it's more a drug thing or a mental health thing. I truly believe he has mental health issues, but because he continuously turns to drugs, it's hard to know. Yeah. And those tend to braid together over time to where it's so hard to extrapolate. You really have to have a period of intense, true sobriety to pull that apart sometimes.

And that's just so hard to get to. And I mean, we've tried having him at home with us, trying to make sure he sees a psychiatrist. But ultimately, some of his psychosis is kind of terrifying. You know, he's told me before, I want to kill the person who's taken over my mom, and he's talking to me, and my daughter is a police officer, and she sends me things, you know, saying, please don't let him be at home. People get killed that way, you know, and it just, my mind, again, I come back to my mind knows it's not safe, but my heart is just having a real hard time with it. And I would tell you that you're right on both counts.

You have a right to be safe. You have a right to your boundaries. You have a right to not be threatened. You have a right to have your home not stolen, like robbed, right? You have a right to not have drugs in your home or to have vomit and urine all over the place. You have a right to that. And, God, it's heartbreaking to have my son on the street. Both of those things are true. And what you're trying to do is have one without the other, and you can't.

And so where I would start, I'm trying to just think ahead here. Number one, I can't even wrap my head around it. Because I know, like you, I'd go to the ends of the earth for my kids. Right? And I feel like I have, but it hasn't changed anything. Exactly. That's just it. So the first thing you've got to do is write Catherine a letter.

Okay. And the first line you've got to do is write Catherine a letter. Okay. And the first line of that letter is, Catherine, it's not your fault. Because you're still harboring some guilt that somehow if you had done something a little different or done things this way or that way or hadn't listened to this one piece of advice or this one, all of this would be different. Yes, that's true. And that kind of thinking, I get it. It's not helpful because here's where we are right now. And when we live into that guilt, and in your case, I should have done something different, turns into I did something dumb or I wish I'd done something different turns into I'm a bad mom. This is my fault.

If he dies, that one's on me. Yes. And that's the difference between guilt and shame. Okay. I can sit down with you and tell you things I should have have said differently to my son. Hank My daughter josephine There's a few things that will haunt me till I die I wish i'd said this differently or not done this one and

The more I dwell on that the more I intentionally disconnect myself from myself and from them and in the present It does no good right it's not helpful I learned my lesson and I think I'm a good dad and I'm going to believe that you're a good mom. Yeah. And so first letter is to Catherine. It's not your fault. Here's the things that happened. I don't hold anybody accountable for the decisions they make after their husband up and just dies. It's trauma on top of trauma. And suddenly you're a single mom in Kentucky in the middle of an economic meltdown. I mean, you know what I'm saying?

Right. You've got to give that Catherine some grace. The second letter goes to your son. You're never going to give it to him. But it's going to be to that 15-year-old little boy who lost his dad. Yeah. And you're going to tell him the things that you've been swirling around in your head for the last 10, 15 years that you didn't say that you still haunt yourself with. You're going to say those things okay okay and then

here's the third letter it might be one you consider sending this is one that will be here are my boundaries moving forward it will not be okay to come to my house if you've been using period you're not welcome here i'll call the police you're not welcome which I have done yes your access to my money is and anyone in our family's money is zero we will not give you any more money this is a hard conversation and we're having it right now and if he's homeless and I don't know

I mean I really couldn't send that letter because I don't know where he is right now. That's, keep it to yourself. Okay. But you don't have to send it. What I'm saying is it's important to get those boundaries out of your head and onto paper. It's like making a budget.

Like when I'm, I bought a guitar yesterday. And I'm not going to lie, Catherine, it's an incredible guitar. But I started doing some, I started doing the math in my head. The math in my head is very different than my budget in reality. You know what I mean? Like, I think I spent this last week, I bought a scope for a new rifle the other day. So I got the, yeah, I think we're, yeah, I think we're good.

Catherine, we're not good. Not good at all, right? So the more those boundaries swirl around in your head, the more likely you are to make an impulse purchase. The more likely you are to be exhausted on a Friday night, be two beers and a whole pizza into a Friday evening. And he shows up and you're like, just go to the back room and go to bed. Yeah. And now we're back. It's a square one again. All your boundaries mean nothing. He knows that. Now you got to repaint the bathroom and you got to fix the sheets and you got to, you know what I'm saying?

All that. So have your boundaries written down so that you are very clear. You might get somebody to do it with you. Maybe your daughter, maybe somebody, whoever, somebody you trust. My husband now is very good at helping with that. Although he's given it a try to help him as well. He's good with the boundaries. He's a good support for me because he sees that we need the boundaries.

There you go. And that helps me. Here's something important, Catherine. He can't write the boundaries. He's got to just support you while you do it. Yes, and that's true, and I understand that. Because you'll get mad at him at 2 a.m. if you haven't been the one that set these boundaries, right? Correct, yes. That's 100% right.

So you do the hard work of writing them down, and then you'll have to build an ecosystem where, Catherine, you have to decide you're worth being well. You have to decide you're worth a great marriage. You're worth laughing, going to play bingo. I don't know what you do in Lexington, Kentucky. Go ride horses. I don't know what y'all do. But that you have to not cash out of your life because your son isn't doing well and by his choices and just by virtue of his illness, um, has become unsafe to be around. And is that some,

that's, this is one other part of this. He can get the help he needs if he chose to correct. I've had some people in recovery tell me that he can, it's just, he's not doing the steps to get there. Cause I sometimes want to feel his mental illness is so bad that he can't do any differently than what he's doing. And maybe I'm making an excuse. No, I think it's both. And, um, I stopped a long time ago, pointing my fingers

at people who are struggling with addiction and struggling mental health um i used to say why i can't believe someone would do meth and not and walk away from their kids that person sucks now i think to myself god almighty what what happened to that person what's what has gotten into their soul that the only way they can get through a day is with methamphetamine. Yeah. And it's a much more empathetic approach, but it doesn't change my boundaries. You cannot come inside my home if you're high. You cannot come in my house if you are stoned. My empathy is different. I'm not judging you and I'm not angry with you, but you have to meet me halfway and halfway is safety and sobriety. Halfway is, right? And it might be a part of your boundaries

are you and your husband, go ahead and might be a part of your boundaries are you and your husband, go ahead and have a number. If he came to you and said, I've been sober for six months, I've been working, I've been mowing lawns a couple of days a week. I'm ready to go to rehab. Y'all might have a number like we'll put in 10,000 on that, or we'll put in five grand on that or whatever. You may have that. Go ahead and set that aside in your boundaries and give him something to lean into. But he is choosing to not be in relationship with you not the other way around that is true okay you are not choosing to kick your son out of your house because he can't get his crap together that's not what we're doing that's true

he is opting out of relationship with you for whatever reason. And that is the most heartbreaking thing a parent can experience is their kids opting out for whatever reason. Addiction, mental health, all that. Yes, there are resources. And yes, I dare say there are people that could help him if he made the decision to go. I also would say there are moments when the mental health plus the wrong meth fentanyl combination. I do believe there's some moments when you melt some circuitry and it's just, I don't know, you get it back. Yeah, I see that definitely.

He was super intelligent growing up and I can tell that it's definitely changed. And he might have undiagnosed schizophrenia and drugs helps him get through it. It helps clarify things a little bit. I do think that's one of the diagnoses he's been given

in the past. If he's got schizophrenia. But again, if you don't stay somewhere long enough to ever know that for sure. If he does have schizophrenia

and he could actually go get stabilized and get the right medication and get on a routine for 30, 60, 90, 120 days, you'd see a different human being. It's just hard to get there.

It's hard to get someone else to do that. That's right. We've tried to regulate meds and all that. It's like my last caller, right? It's at some point, somebody's got to decide.

I don't know how this works and I know that I'm having hallucinations and I'm hearing voices, but I want to have a different life. And man, that's hard. That's hard. That's hard. That's hard.

That's hard. All of this makes sense to me and I just, you know, I know the boundaries thing is important and safety. Yeah. I mean, it's a safety issue. I want you to get a journal, and every time you feel super heartbroken, you feel that mom guilt, you feel that wave of, I failed him, write that down. Write those feelings down and challenge them.

Is that true? Have you been a terrible mom? Did you really fail him? I bet the answer is no. Is your son sick? Absolutely. Is it heartbreaking? Yes.

Does he have permission to threaten to kill you? No. Is it devastating to know your kid is homeless? Especially when there's medications out there that could probably help him. That there's treatment plans and people that would help him. Oh my gosh, I can't wrap my head around how devastating that would be. And yet, I have to know the limits of my own power, and I can't drag somebody kicking and screaming to their own wellness.

It's hard. It's hard, it's hard, it's hard, it's hard. I'm sorry. It's just just parent to parent i'm sorry you're a good mom katherine we'll be right back hey what's up deloney here listen you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious or burned out or chronically stressed at some point. In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life. Get your copy today at johndeloney.com. All right, as we wrap up today's show,

thanks for being with us and for hanging out with us all day. These are some heavier calls today and some calls that don't have a lot of great endings to them or at least not right now, maybe over time. And so sometimes that is the messiness of life. But luckily, we've got these two brothers from London. Is that a good voice? No?

They're not from London anyway. They're from Manchester. They're really big about that. They're from over the lake, across the pond. Said the stupid American. It's over there. The songs that the two brothers that ruined every campfire for every girl

in the 90s and early 2000s, Oasis. Made every frat boy on planet Earth think they were going to be a singer-songwriter with their classic Champagne Supernova. It goes like this. How many special people change? How many lives are living strange? Where were you when we

were getting high? Slowly walking down the hall, faster than a cannonball. Where were you when we were getting high? This is actually a question Kelly asks me all the time. Someday you'll find me caught beneath a landslide in a champagne supernova in the sky. I don't even know what that means, but I do know this. I'm grateful for you. We'll see you soon.