The Dr. John Delony Show - I Feel Like My Life Is out of Control

Episode Date: December 15, 2023

On today’s show, we hear about: - A man unable to grieve his losses or get control of his life - A mom wondering how to help her daughter who’s struggling with weight gain - How to navigate food and nutrition during the holidays Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show.  Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp Hallow Thorne Add products to your cart create an account at checkout Receive 25% off ALL orders Resources: Building a Non-Anxious Life Anxiety Test Own Your Past, Change Your Future Questions for Humans Conversation Cards John’s Free Guided Meditation Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately. Learn more about your ad choices. https://www.megaphone.fm/adchoices Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. She's been struggling with weight for so many years. Are you and your husband overweight? Are you all super fit? We are fit. She does ask me, mommy you gotta help me, please help me, I don't want to be this way. But then when I do help her, then she gets upset with me. The questions he's asking you is, Mommy, why don't you love me? Hey, everybody.

What's up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. A show where we talk about your marriage, parenting, emotional health, your mental health. I've been walking alongside hurting people for two decades. Whether your marriage has fallen apart, whether you've suffered deep loss, whether you just don't know the next right thing to do, or things are pretty good, you just think, man, I think they could be better. This show is made up of real people making phone calls and we talk to each other.

Real people going through real trying times. And I don't know anybody, myself included, who's not dealing with trying times right now. It's a mess out there. And instead of yelling and screaming and pointing fingers and throwing nonsense, garbage advice at each other, on this show, I promise I'm going to sit with you. We'll figure it out. And I got two PhDs. If I don't know the answer, I've got some friends that do. On today's show, I've got a special guest coming in to talk to us about holiday eating. We're going to get real and talk about hard stuff.

And that's the promise here. If you want to be on the show, give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291. It's 1-844-693-3291. Or go to johndeloney.com slash ask. Guess what I did last night? That's probably a bad way to frame that

because you never know. I rewatched with some friends and some other folks. Howdy ho! The original Hanky the Christmas Poo. Hanky the Christmas Poo?

Masterpiece. Wow. Yeah yeah it was old school like 20 years ago oh longer than that said the oldest person i know so good that was i believe that was before i moved to nashville and i've been here since 2000. I was in college. Yeah. So we're talking 25, 30. Wow. You're older than you think. I was a toddler. I was a toddler. I was a toddler. Uh, so, um, if they're not sold out yet and I keep saying that, but they, I bet they're, I bet they're gone. Um, if they're not get online and pick them up the questions for humans, Christmas edition, and we've got the new year's edition. New year's is my favorite holiday of the I bet they're gone. If they're not, get online and pick them up. The Questions for Humans Christmas Edition. And we've got the New Year's Edition. New Year's is my favorite holiday of the year where the whole country, the whole world's like,

ah, you get a mulligan. Like, ah, I fell off the wagon last year and did a bunch of terrible things. But it's New Year's and everyone's like, cool, let's do it again. I love New Year's. There's a New Year's deck. There is a Christmas deck.

If the Christmas deck's not sold out, it sells out every time. But let's run through a Christmas deck. If the Christmas deck's not sold out, it sells out every time. But let's run through a couple of questions from the Christmas deck, Kelly. All right. Which gift from the 12 days of Christmas would be an actual nightmare to receive and which would be awesome? Go ahead. Well, the awesome, I would think, you know, five golden rings because— Money bags McGee over here.

Yeah, I mean jewelry. You know, who doesn't love some jewelry? Awful would probably be most of the rest of them. Um, yeah, all the birds, all the birds. I don't know that I want 10 Lords of leaping in my house.

Um, you make us a leap all the time, but you're not at my home. That is true. You make us do it at the office, which is super HR issue, but yeah. Um,

seven swans of swimming. I'm not real sure where I'd put them. Yeah. Bathtub? I don't know. Yeah, I mean, at least like Four French Hens. Okay, great, we're having chicken for dinner. But I don't really know what I would do with pretty much anything from like six to 12. Yeah, I think that song is just about like, it's like a poultry appreciation song.

I'd probably take the rings to just to appease you. I would take a partridge and a pear tree because I can plant a tree. That's nice. You can. When's the last time

you planted a tree? Earlier this fall. Here we go. It's people do it. Not hard. People do it. But does Kelly do it? Yes. Kelly,

Kelly works. I would take the rings too. And I would just give them to you. And then that would be like a, a yell free day for me, which would be cool. Whatever. Be an anger free day.

All right. Next one. All right, go ahead. What is one place real or fictional? Let's do one place real and one place fictional, that you would love to visit during Christmas time? Oh, man.

I would love to visit Ireland. I don't know why. I just think like, well, A, I'm going to say something. I don't know if it's real. But if like giant red stags and reindeer live there, probably not. I feel like I want to see that in the wild. I just feel like it'd be beautiful there. I think you'd probably be closer to, like, northern Scotland.

Of course, you don't know the difference between Scotland and Ireland. We've determined that before. I mean, arr, matey. It all ends up in a pirate. Yeah, playing bagpipes. Yeah, I want to go to Ireland, Scotland. Okay. Yeah.

What about fictional? Those are real places. So what about fictional? I wouldn't mind spending Christmas at Hogwarts. It looks like they decorated up nice. There's food everywhere. There's like dragons and snakes and stuff. It's pretty fancy.

Yeah. That weird dude with the big beard is hanging out. Hagrid? Yeah. Big H. I think the whole thing would be pretty rad. Yeah. Hogwarts is my fictional.

No question. And then my real, so I got to go to England for Christmas once and it is amazing. Yeah. But I would like to go to Germany to the original Christmas markets. That's my goal.

And they have a Krampus parade. A Krampus parade? Yes. And I really want to go. I've got so many jokes I'm not making right now. What is the Krampus parade? Krampus, Jiminy Christmas. What is it?

Krampus, K-R-A-M-P-U-S, Krampus. It's kind of a Victorian era and before. He was kind of the cohort to Santa Claus, but the opposite. So Santa brought good kids money or fruit or toys or whatever. Krampus put the kids in a bag, beat them with a stick, and then drug them to hell. Oh, man. Dude, that's the name of our band, Will. Krampus.

There's actually a horror movie called Krampus, and I have a Krampus doll. Of course you do. Dressed as Santa Claus. Do you worship it? I can imagine you worshiping the Krampus doll. No. No.

No, but it's a German folk tale, and they do an actual parade, and it's like a thing over there, and I would love to go see it just in person. It would be cool. America, you think I make this stuff up about her. I don't. I may fudge the, I may exaggerate a bit on her tattoo game.

No tattoos. Zero. Lie.com.net.org. But she does murder. All right, let's go out to H-Tone and talk to Jason. What's up, Jason? What's going on, Dr. John? What up, man?

How we doing? All pretty good. How are you? Good, good, good. What's up, brother? Hey, so I'm finding myself at 52, pretty much in complete rebuild mode. Tell me about it. So the last couple years, I struggled with alcohol. I lost a really good job. I me about it. So the last couple of years, I, uh, I struggled with alcohol.

I, uh, lost a really good job. I lost a wife, uh, during that time I got a DUI, um, going through that process. And I, right now I'm doing real good. I, uh, been sober eight months almost. Hey, all right. And I'm doing fairly well. During that time also, I did not make some so good financial decisions. Yep. So I'm pretty much by myself, not by myself. I have my children, but just by myself, just kind of rebuilding. And just looking to see or go through the process of trying to do this and just to get in a better place. Yeah, man.

Dude, like I can't tell you how proud of you I am. Thank you. I appreciate it. Well, hold on here. I'm not just blowing that off. I don't want you just to like deflect it because you're good at that. You've probably been deflecting that your whole life. Right?

Yeah. I'm, I'm, I'm fairly good at that. You're great at it because you don't believe it. You think I'm lying to you. So here's how I'm not lying to you. Um, you got hit so hard. Actually, you're a boxer that got knocked out. Stone knocked out.

And that's when most go, dude, I'm not in for this. And you slowly picked yourself back up off the canvas. And now you're standing up, you're clear eyed, and're have one hand on the top rope and you're thinking about climbing back in the ring that is courage brother that is courage that is courage and most men quit and you're not so i'm not blowing smoke at you dude i'm not blowing smoke at all it dude I'm not blowing smoke at all It's pretty impressive

So when you say you lost your wife Did she leave you or did she pass away? She left me Okay, so you lost a job You lost your wife You kind of soft-pitched I kind of struggled with alcohol a little bit And then I lost everything

So I'm guessing you didn't just kind of struggle with alcohol a little bit Tell me a little bit, and then I lost everything. So I'm guessing you didn't just kind of struggle with alcohol a little bit. Tell me a little bit about that. No, alcohol has pretty much been a part of my life, my adult life. How come? It was just the norm. I know, but most folks who drink like that, that's the way their body's figured out how to not deal with how bad life hurts. So what does life hurt, man? You know, I'm still in that process, Dr. John. I think I struggled a lot as a child.

My real dad, he really didn't have anything to do with me. And I was adopted early by the man who I call my father, who, who adopted me when I was six, married my mother and not a terrible childhood, but it wasn't, it wasn't the best either, but I never really fit into, I've either, but I never really fit into,

I've always felt like I never really fit into this family and, um, just struggled with the acceptance part of things. And, um, I guess I just dealt with it in my own ways throughout the years and, and never really addressed it until now. Now's when I'm really wanting to sit down and figure out what's really going on, why I've been that way for so many years. I can't answer the whole question, but I can get pretty dang close. I'm sure you haven't done this, but I hope at some point you will.

But I need to go back for just a second and talk to six-year-old Jason, who is holding the hand of a man who's not his daddy, but a man who's saying, I'll step in the gap here if it's what it takes for me to marry your mama. And everyone around you cheering, and you're supposed to be happy about that. Yeah. And God bless him, he put food on the table. It never felt like home, but at least you had a roof and you had food. Yeah.

But that six-year-old little boy is still haunted by that one damning question, which is, Daddy, what was so bad about me that you left? Yeah, he was never there to begin with. That's what I'm saying. And I didn't find out who he actually was until I was like 27. Yeah, but he was a ghost.

He was a ghost. Right, right. Exactly. But you've got your own kids, right? Yes, four of them. Did you walk out on them? Oh, no.

Yeah, you can't even wrap your head around it, can you? I know. I know he's been the best dad, but I've... Hold on. None of us have.

None of us have. We've all struggled, but listen, don't evade it. You can't imagine walking out on your kid. No, no. How the hell did your old man walk out on you? Yeah. Right? Yes, sir.

And one magic thing about alcohol is it plays a pretty good chemical proxy to connection. Yeah. And so when we're lonely, when our body's screaming at us that someone's going to leave, someone's going to leave, alcohol does make that go away for a while until it kills us, right? Until it blows up everything. Like I used to tell people for years, the worst part about alcohol is that it works until it doesn't, right? Exactly. Exactly. So I'll probably give you several things I want you to do for homework by the time this call's over, but I want you to write a letter by hand on notebook paper

on a yellow pad. Go to Walgreens or Walmart or something, get a yellow pad, and I want you to write a letter to six-year-old Jason and tell that little boy it was not his fault. His daddy walked out because something was wrong with his daddy, not him. That was a good kid. They deserved to have his old man around. Take him to Oilers games and Astros games, even when they were terrible back then. Right? Yes, sir.

Until you let that little six-year-old boy stop fighting for you, you're going to always have that gap. And then you got to deal with, you're 56, right? 52? How old? 52. 52.

Yeah. So this part sucks, right? At 51 and a half, you decided, I'm done. I'm getting sober. I'm about to lose. I've lost almost everything. True. It's time.

And there's that moment when it's like the Rocky song is playing, and you found yourself, you're like 100 pounds overweight. You go to the gym, and you do that one hard workout, and then you look in the mirror the next morning, and you kind of look exactly the same. Yeah, and I struggle with that too, Dr. John. I struggle with what I call the need for instant transformation for instant gratification. There you go.

You know, I don't see the result as fast as I would like to seeification. There you go. You know, I don't see the result as fast as I would like to see. That's right. And you're coming up on the holidays. Holidays are going to be lonely this time around, aren't they?

I'm making things, making plans to spend a lot of time with my kids. Good. Dude, I'm so, gosh, I'm so freaking proud of you. And believe it or not,

there's one other thing, Dr. John. What's that? So Mother's Day of this past year, I actually so freaking proud of you. And believe it or not, there's one other thing, Dr. John. What's that? So Mother's Day of this past year, I actually lost my mother. Oh, my gosh. And I haven't even found a way to grieve her. We had not a real strong relationship towards the end. There were some things that happened in the past

with her that I wasn't real proud of or held against her. And I just haven't, I hate to say this, but at the time when she passed, I almost felt relieved.

Yeah. Hey, don't, don't, that's a very common response. And then you probably felt guilty for feeling relieved, right? Absolutely. Yeah. And it just goes in a circle. And so, here's a, this isn't going to heal it, but this is a good

way to start. It's a way to get out of the starting blocks. Okay. Do you have a pen with you? I do. I do. You have to write three letters to mom over the course of about three weeks, one a week. Okay. Okay. One of the letters is, how much I miss you. How much I miss you, Mom. I went through hell this last year. My wife left. I lost my job. I'm finally getting sober and clean and I miss you.

I'm always going to miss you. Love, Jason. And I want that to be a couple of pages. I want you to remember some fun stuff y'all did as kids, how she held it together after your dad of pages I want you to remember some fun stuff y'all did as kids how she held it together after your dad left I want you to remember some good stuff the second letter is Unfreaking believable mom And I want you to tell the truth when I was a kid you left right?

I want you to go all the way through the hard stuff the anger Dear mom. stuff. The anger. Dear mom, I'm really mad. And you know the things that she did that you held against her, all that stuff, I want you to get that on paper. And here's the third letter. Dear mom, I'm sober now. I'm growing up.

Here's what you're going to miss. You're going to miss watching your boy rise from the ashes. You're going to miss your boy becoming the best dad of all time. You're going to miss your boy becoming a success story, going to the gym, getting his finances in order, meeting somebody new, being the greatest dad who shows up for his kids, and then being the best granddad that ever lived.

Okay? Yeah, I just had my oldest daughter just had my second grandson. There you go. So I'm ecstatic about that. Yes. And I don't want to say this is a chance to do it over, but this is kind of a chance to reimagine it, right? Absolutely.

There you go. Yep. I'd love for you to start writing those two little grandkids letters. So they have 18 years with the letters from granddad. Okay. And let me tell you this.

My grandmother passed away a couple years ago. I have tattooed on my arm the last card she sent me in her handwriting. It says, we love you. And I had them lift that handwriting and permanently put on my body. That's how much it meant to me, that letter from my grandmother.

And I want your grandkids to have a whole thing. And when your grandkids get into some trouble when they're middle school and high schoolers, which they will, I want you to be able to sit down with them in your sixties and go, hey, we're going to coffee. We're going to get pancakes at Waffle House I'm going to talk to you about some stuff I went through And you're going to redeem your story Those bricks you're carrying around, you're going to take them out of your backpack and set that crap down It's over And then you're going to pave the sidewalks that those kids walk on

On your story See what I'm saying? Yes, sir. This is legacy, brother. This is how you change your family tree. Now, I've thrown a bunch of like Instagram-y stuff at you. I'm going to make it pretty concrete, okay?

Is that cool? Okay. Awesome, yes. Here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to load you up. But if I load you up, you got to send those letters, right? Absolutely. All right. I'm going to do. I'm going to load you up. But if I load you up, you've got to send those letters, right? Absolutely.

All right. I'm going to send you both of my Wall Street Journal bestselling books. I have them. You got them? You already got them? I've already got them. All right. I ain't sending you nothing then.

All right. So you already got them. I got them. I'm going to send you Financial Peace University for free. I got that too. You got it? Have you used it? I'm going to send you Financial Peace University for free. I got that too. Have you used it? I'm starting January. Are you going to actually do it?

Yes, sir. Do you have every dollar? Yes, I signed up for all that. Okay. I'm not giving you nothing then. What do you need? What can I do? I guess I just needed just a voice reassurance.

That's what I needed. What do you really need? Just, you know, I needed another man to tell me that I was headed in the right direction. Jason, you're swimming upstream of a culture that tells you you're washed up, a culture that tells you you're a failure, a culture that tells you ain't worth a dime. You're absolutely worth it, every step you take. Are you going to drink again?

No, sir. No, sir. You got a job? I do. I do. It's a good job. Okay. Are you going to hang on to that job?

I'm going to hang on to it, but I'm also going to look for something else that's maybe a little bit better. Okay. I believe in my skills and my knowledge and- But you're going to be about serving the customer, taking care of people, solving problems. You're going to do work with excellence, right? Absolutely. That's what I do. Excellent. That's what I do. And you're going to get that debt paid off so you're free. Nobody owns Jason. Right. Exactly.

You're going to write each one of your kids a letter and say, hey, I wasn't the best dad, but I love you guys and never, ever doubt it. I was going through some tough stuff. It was never about you guys. And I'm spending the rest of my life being the best father that ever existed. Yeah, you're worth it. You're worth every step of it, my brother.

Every single step. I got something you don't have. We're going to send you grandparents and grandkids, the questions for humans deck. I'm going to mail that out to you, and that way

you can chit-chat with your grandkids. One of them's going to be way too young, but you can still chit chat with them. Go for that. And man, I'm so proud of you, dude. 52, having to look in the mirror and start over. Deal with your DUI. It's going to be expensive. Be honest with the judge. Take care of your business there in Houston. Don't ever drink and drive. Don't put other people at risk. You're better than that. Don't put you at risk. Let's make all the changes.

Let's go get them. 2024 is the year Jason continues his journey. Eight months in for the rest of your life, my brother. I'm so proud of you. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. October is the season for wearing costumes. And if you haven't started planning your costume, seriously, get on it. I'm pretty sure I'm going to go as Brad Pitt because we have the same upper

body, but whatever. Look, it's costume season. And if we're being honest, a lot of us hide our true selves behind masks and costumes more often than we want to. We do this at work. We do this in social settings. We do this around our own families. We even do this with ourselves. I have been there multiple times in my life and it's the worst. If you feel like you're stuck hiding your true self behind costumes and masks, I want you to consider talking with a therapist. Therapy is a place where you can learn to accept all the parts of yourself, where you can be honest with yourself, and where you can take off the mask and the costumes and learn to live an honest, authentic life. Costumes and masks should be for Halloween parties, not for our emotions and our true selves.

If you're considering therapy, I want you to call my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy. You can talk with your therapist anywhere so it's convenient for just about any schedule. You just get online and you fill out a short survey and you'll be matched with a licensed therapist and you can switch therapists at any time for no additional cost. Take off the costumes and take off the masks

with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P.com slash Deloney. All right, let's roll out to Tampa, Florida and talk to Amy. Hey, Amy, what's up? Hey, Dr. John. Thanks so much for taking my call. Of course. What's going on? Hey, so I'm going to go ahead, if it's okay, and read the letter that I submitted. How do I know when to let my 13-year-old daughter control her own health and nutrition?

She's been struggling with weight for so many years. We have tried everything. You tell parents how we put bricks in our kids' backpacks all the time. So how do I help her? Do I stop? And if she gains 600 pounds, do I make it as her choice? I'm tired of talking about food and exercise all the time, all the time. She can't put a piece of food in her mouth without feeling judged. So I'm not looking for nutrition or exercise help from you. How do I let my daughter know she is seen and she is loved and she is not judged? Where does she get that message that she's being judged? Well, I've noticed over the past year or so that she goes and eats in her room. She'd prefer to

eat in her room because then she actually said, if I go and I have my meal in my room, then I can eat in peace and I don't feel like someone's looking at me, whether it's me or whether it's dad or her brothers. Because of her weight gain over the years, I'm trying to help her with portion control and, you know, better choices and making sure we have healthy food. But I just feel like just her personality, her demeanor, she just, I don't know. She just,

she gets mad. She asked me if I get mad at her, like, she's still hungry and she wants seconds. She's like, well, are you mad because I want seconds? Are you mad because I put too much salt? Are you mad because I chose, you know, I don't know. I just, um, how long have you been after her for this years? At least four years. She's probably gained a hundred pounds in the last four years. What changed in her life four years ago? Um, school got rough and COVID made it, you know, worse. Um, so she was home a lot, had a lot more access to food. And it can be healthy food. It's not just junk food that she loves to eat. It can be healthy food that she just likes to eat.

What happened at home? I don't know. I thought about that because I had a feeling you'd ask. I can't really pinpoint any particular thing that may have caused it. Are you and your husband overweight? Are you all super fit? We are fit. We are fit. And she knows that I had struggled with weight when I was her age and kind of got that together 30 years ago. And yes, we are very, and that's the thing, we try to set a model for her that we have healthy foods.

Her brothers are fit. We all exercise daily. And then, you know, I've encouraged her. It has to be something she likes to do. I like to run. She is not a runner. Her dad's not a runner. So I'm like, let's do something fun.

We've put her in classes, gymnastics. We play tennis. We dance. She's big into theater. I just, I don't know. And I guess, I guess what I really need your help with this is do I just let her do her own thing? Because I, I find myself every time she is eating, looking at what she's eating and how much she's eating, because she does ask me, mommy, you got to help me. Please help me. I don't want to be this way.

But then when I do help her, then she gets upset with me because she doesn't like what I have to say. Or if I restrict her and tell her. That's because that's not the question she's asking you. Okay. The question she's asking you is, mommy, why don't you love me? Hmm. And kids don't know how to ask that question. so they say are you proud of me do you like my straight a's did you see that goal i scored did you see how i lost five pounds they're not asking

you to look at the scale look at the soccer ball they're saying am i finally enough am i enough now yeah and whether it's genetic whether it's learned behavior whether it's all of that stuff combined it sounds like your daughter's been asking for a long long time do y'all love me and when she gets an answer that's conditional she goes goes to the behavior, again, whether learned, whether genetic, whether whatever, that makes her body, her shoulders drop finally. And then it starts the shame spiral again. And then she starts saying, does anybody see me? Does anybody love me?

It's kind of like, I don't know if your husband does this, but when you say, man, I had a really rough day and your husband says, well, let you say, man, I had a really rough day. And your husband says, well, let's just call him. Let's call him right now. And let's tell your boss that he's not hearing you. Because what you're saying when you say I had a really rough day is not, I had a really rough day. And since you're so smart and wonderful, husband, will you solve my problems for me? That's not what you're saying. You're saying, do you still love me?

And I think for a long, long, long time, your daughter's known she's not good enough. She's not doing, let me say it this way. She's not doing it right. Whatever it is, she's not doing life right. And she watches her brothers get praised. She watches you and your husband praise each other. And that little part of her body in her brain says,

we're not welcome here. And so, no, I think it would be a, I think y'all have gotten into a dance over the last four years and probably started before this. And here's the dance. She comes in and gets something to eat. She catches you wince.

She catches you glance out of the corner of your eye. And she knows, I'm being judged. I'm out of here. Or I'm going to eat this. And the only thing that makes her feel better is eating again. Because she doesn't have access to alcohol or cigarettes or sex or any of the other stuff that grownups use or busyness. And then when she goes into her room, she hears you and, is this enough, mom? Well, I wouldn't.

It's just a dance. What you all need desperately is professional intervention. The food part will come. You'll have to address that. But what you really need is she's got, you'll have to go through a season where she knows you and your husband love her no matter what. And that can't just be saying, we love you. Yep.

See what I'm saying? And I hate having this conversation with moms, especially because moms take this hard as though you failed something, right? Yes. And you try to make it right by over-controlling portions or over-controlling nutrition or over-controlling the other side of the equation, which just makes this dance spin faster. See what I'm saying? And at the same time, if you take your hands off the wheel, it's not good parenting. Right. So you find yourself stuck. And so what I would tell you to do is you got to learn

a new way to interact with your baby. Yep. Now, as I'm saying this, does that ring true or tell me I sound like I'm out to lunch? No, it does. It does ring true. And I've tried a couple of different counselors. I'm not a fan of therapy, Dr. John, until I started listening to your show. Why weren't you a fan? I just, I was raised, you know, we fix it in the house. You know, I was raised in a Christian home and, you know, we pray about things and we fix it within our home. And that's it. Gosh, dude, that's so damaging.

I hope you know that now. Yeah, I mean, I've learned a lot of things. And it's just such a different relationship, though, the way I was raised. And, you know, as a parent, you try to do the right things that were right in your home. And, you know, I've never had any issues with my boys as far as, you know, that kind of thing in parenting. Okay, so I want to tell you something. I'm going to use the word trauma. And don't over-respond to that because I'm not saying there's any trauma in your house

Okay But i've mentioned I think I mentioned this on the last episode I just shot um One of the guys I did a practicum with Gave me some language one time. I we're looking talking about some some kids we were working with and I said Well, that one's going to be okay And he looked at me and said hey, you know that straight A's can be a trauma response too. And some kids, their biology is heavy. Some kids, they say, do you love me? And they set

something on fire. And other kids go make perfect scores on things. And they say, do you love me? And we pat one on the head and we give, send one to college for free. And we put the other one in jail. The response is the same. I'm sorry. The response is different, but the underlying pathology is the same. See what I'm saying? Yeah. And we have, I mean, I've, and and even though you know I'm definitely open I've learned a lot from listening to your show and you know I have a friend that I've talked to that you know I've basically said you know I just gosh I wish I could just fix her I wish I could just fix the way that she wants to be and I had a brave friend say to me one time she's not broken yes yeah not a project she's not a project to be fixed and so who told

you that about you uh told me i was broken yep um i grew up i grew up with a father who was very critical of my weight so yeah that was and my brother jumped on board a couple of times and you know thought it was okay because his dad said it and dad's in charge, you know, then it was, you know, it was like fair game in the house. So, but I, you know, I'm, I'm good. I've come to terms with all of that and I got it together, you know, probably in my twenties when I just, it worked for me and I figured it out. Hold on. That's the language you got to be careful of. I quote unquote, got it together because then you pass that on your daughter, get it together. Yeah.

Right. Yeah. Right? Yeah. And often when guys go to AA and they quit drinking, they all start smoking. They trade one for the other. And if you traded food for, I'm in the gym seven days a week and I count every single morsel of everything.

You just traded one for the other. You might live longer, but you're not. I can call you healthier metabolically, but you haven't addressed the core problem that your dad, you were never enough. Or your love to your old man

was conditional on how you looked, how your plate looked. You see what I'm saying? Yeah. Yeah. And listen, Amy, this is a guy with two PhDs because I had a really, really savant, smart sister and a brother who missed two questions on the ACT,

and I've been desperately chasing the question, will you all tell me I'm smart too? Because I was just a dumb jock. and I've been desperately chasing the question, will y'all tell me I'm smart too? Because I was just a dumb jock. I've been chasing and chasing and chasing until finally I just quit and had to deal with it. And come to find out, it was a bunch of stupid stories I was telling myself. Yeah.

But here's what we're doing. Go ahead, go ahead. I'm just going to say we have, I have, I got our counselor, came highly recommended, unfortunately, about two months in. She doesn't need one.

Okay. Y'all need one. She will. That's what I'm figuring out. She will. That it's not her. Y'all, it's the dynamic in her home

that she does not have the tools to address. So instead of saying, why are you eating that? Or are you really hungry? Or can you substitute that for something healthier? Ask yourself, what is her body trying to protect her from in her very own home? Okay. And it might be the way everyone's looking at her. Or it might be that she only gets talked to when she, after the workout's over. Or it might be dad, or she hears dad and brother making fun of the overweight girl on TV. See what I'm saying?

Yeah. Her body is trying to defend her in her own home. And if y'all had alcohol where she could access it, she'll get it soon. And if she finds some boy to tell her that she's beautiful, man, she'll be all over that too. She just doesn't have access yet. This is about defense. This is not about your daughter's broken.

And so maybe for a season, look at her and say, her body's working perfectly. What in the world is it trying to defend her from? And I'm also not one of these guys who says like, has jumped on this bandwagon. Dude, our health in this country is a train wreck. It's not good.

And I would be lying to somebody and dishonoring them if I said, not being obese is great. It's not. Every part of your day is harder. Every part. Okay. So that's not what I'm saying here, but what I'm saying here is to get to that part in a healthy way, you'll have to address the system inside that home. And I think your daughter may be an alarm system for the home. Does that ring true or no? Yeah, I think in some parts it does. And I think that's what I'm looking for. That's kind of the answer I was looking for for you.

I'm realizing there is nothing wrong with her. It's the way I see it or I address it or my husband sees it or my husband addresses it. There's absolutely nothing wrong with her. But I just feel horrible that as her mom, she doesn't feel like safe in our home. I get that. I get that. I totally get that. I can't think of a more devastating thing to feel. And I felt it because I was told that. And the people who told me that were right.

I was a nuclear ball of energy in my daughter's body. A little bitty baby girl who was five years old, bebopping around my house said, that dude is not safe. I didn't hit her. I didn't yell. I don't raise my voice in my house. I was a great dad, but dude, I was a nuclear reactor. And so I think, here's the conversation, I think. I think the conversation begins with, hey, honey, I don't even know where to start other than we've created a home. It's just not safe for you. And we've wrapped it up in doing all the things perfectly,

but in trying to achieve all the perfect things, we've made a very unstable house. And I'm sorry. And I don't know what to do, but here's my promise. I promise I'm going to work on it. And I think your whole family needs to go to a family counselor, all of you together. And it has to be a family counselor that's willing

to take you and your husband on. Because my guess is y'all are a force of nature and they need to be able to take y'all on. Anne needs to be able to honestly address your daughter. Because she does have some very unhealthy habits. It's both and. But I wouldn't send her to a counselor and be like, she just needs to get fixed. And I wouldn't go to counselor if I was you and just be like, I need the right thing to say to my daughter so she'll eat better. No, dude. Her body's trying to protect her from a house that lets her know,

has let her know for a season. You're not really enough for us. You got to fix some stuff. Then you'll be on the inside. Like your brothers. And God almighty, I know how hard that is to hear. I cringe as a parent saying that to another parent because I know how hard that is to hear.

But the evidence is the pattern. For four years, you've tried a thing and it hasn't worked. And your daughter's put on 100 pounds in four years. Let's throw up our hands and say, okay, what I'm doing is not working. Let's try something else. But I know how devastating and, um, um, fatal disorder eating can be. And so I would go see somebody AS Professional in your area. For you, for your husband, for your sons, and for that sweet girl of yours. And along the way, I want you to address the fact that you were only loved when you looked right to your dad.

Let's let this thing stop right now. This is what legacy and family tree change looks like. Thanks for the call, Amy. We'll be right back. I'm so proud that Thorne Supplements, my favorite supplements on the planet, have continued to partner with me and our show listeners for health, longevity, and just feeling good. Thorne is one of our longest standing partners on this show and it's because I trust them. I use them I read their research papers and I know their products are great and that my fans will love them, too Here's the deal with supplements. There's so

So much garbage out in the marketplace and other than my admitted gummy candy problem I'm pretty freakish about what I put in my body And that's why I trust my health and the health of my family with Thorne. Personally, I've been taking Thorne supplements for years and years, way before I was on the internets with these shows. And my wife and kids have been taking them as well. And here's what I take every single day. I take the super EPA fish oil, the methylated B vitamins, creatine,

phosphatidylserine, and more. I take Thorne for specific physiologic needs for me to keep my body and mind optimized and for overall longevity and health. And here's the cool thing. We've set up an amazing opportunity for all of the listeners of the Dr. John Deloney Show. 25% off everything in the Thorne store and not just on your first visit, but every time you make a purchase through our page and our account. This isn't a sale that's going to change from week to week. All you do is go online, create an account through my page, and you'll get 25% off from here on out forever. It's that easy. Go to thorn.com slash you slash Deloney. That's Thorn, T-H-O-R-N-E dot com slash the letter U slash Deloney

for 25% off everything in the store. I trust Thorne, my family trusts Thorne, and you can trust Thorne too. All right, we are back and we're talking eating around the holidays now here's the deal there's always um ideas like yolo like bro you deserve it you've worked hard this year eat everything and also there's the other side which is the you never stop grinding 24 7 365 i don't care what day it is. No celebration. You put the cookie down. And there's guys like me who are like, what? What?

I like pumpkin pie, and I like turkey, and I like lots and lots of candy. I don't know what to do. So I'm calling one of the smartest men on planet Earth when it comes to nutrition science. My great friend, Dr. Lane Norton, is here to talk us all through eating around the holidays. What's up, Lane? What's going on, John? How you doing, buddy? Dude, I'm doing great. Thanks for stepping out of your Beefcake 2000 training session to talk with us, man. Well, I left the deadlift bar.

I'm going to go pick it right back up. No worries. I left the deadlift bar. I'm going to go pick it right back up. No worries. I left the deadlift bar. You know who said that today? Nobody but Lane Norton. Probably. I am unique. You know what?

I think that's going to be on your tombstone. Lane Norton. He was unique. Just kidding. It's nothing else, brother. It's going to be an amazing father and a guy who helped millions and millions of people change their life. Me being one of them, man.

Hey, thanks for coming on. Can you, dude, just, I need some no-nonsense, just straight to it. Mothers and fathers who are not in like the, yo, bro, not in the nutrition space. Family sitting around the table over Thanksgiving and into, we're post-Thanksgiving by the time the show comes family sitting around the table over thanksgiving and into at post thanksgiving about time the show comes out into the christmas holidays there's gifts there's cookies there's holiday parties there's all the stuff can you give us some sort of common sense approach for navigating eating around the holidays yeah so, you know, you kind of touched on it earlier. There's like two spectrums, right?

On one hand, you've got, hey, you know, one meal's not going to hurt you. Enjoy it. Don't worry about it. Have whatever. And on the other side of the spectrum, you've got, you know, grind 24-7, you know,

so where in between these spectrums you fall kind of depends on like, you know, what's your goals? What do you want to get out of this? You know, I'm not a feelings-based person when it comes to this stuff. I'm very data-driven. And so, you know, on the one side, when people say holiday eating is innocuous and don't worry about it, that's actually just not supported by the data. If you look at the amount of rape people gain during adulthood per year, depending on the study you look at, anywhere from 50 to 90% of that comes in the six weeks from the end of November to the beginning

of January, which is what? A holiday. Lane, don't say that. Okay, hold on real quick. Can you talk directly into your phone, dude? Yeah, sure. Oh, perfect. Okay, hold on. I need you to stop saying what you're saying because what you're saying is I can do really good for most of the year

and just kind of get off the rails between October and Christmas and the data says that's where most adults gain most of their weight on an annual basis? That is correct. Anywhere from 50% to 90%. And the research suggests that they don't really compensate the rest of the year. Most people kind of maintain the rest of the year.

And the data is actually worse for people who are overweight or obese. They tend to gain even more weight during the holidays. And so, like, obviously, you know can just maintain you just maintain during the holidays you're kind of ahead of the game um and i think that should be the goal for for a lot of people not trying to like lose fat during the holidays we're just focusing on like healthy maintenance um but there's a lot of barriers in the way the first off is if we look at the food that's eaten during the holidays uh like in the studies, it is actually more calorie dense

than the food we normally consume. So you're getting more energy per weight of food. And then if we look at the data around eating in groups, what's really fascinating is when people eat by themselves, they eat significantly less than if they eat with a partner. And it's not a linear effect, but the more people that are involved in the eating,

the more people tend to consume. It's like this behavioral trait we don't really quite understand. Oh, I understand it clearly. I feel awkward in social situations, especially around people I only see once a year. And one way I make myself feel better is by going raw and eating and eating. And going back to what you're saying about caloric density, you can't just eat sweet potatoes during the holidays.

You have to put a metric ton of butter and marshmallows on them. Duh. What's the matter with you? And you can't just have turkey like a serial killer. You have to have bread doused in turkey parts and then turkey juice. Like, yeah, you're asking us to not be human, Lane. Right. And then if you look at, you know, it's not just one meal. Really what we're talking about is a series of meals during the holidays. So without doing an actual thesis on this and giving those listeners some, some quick action things they can do.

The first thing is like staying mindful. So that is like, if you decide, Hey, you know what? I'm just going to enjoy this. I'm not going to worry about it. That's fine. The trade-off with that is you may gain some body fat. You probably will gain some body fat. If you say, if you're somebody who's a little more diet attuned and you say, you know, I'm not really worried about that. I can take it off later in the year. That's cool. No problem. I think for most of us, we don't really have that mindfulness. We kind of go in, like we just jump out of the plane and we kind of hope we got a parachute on. So we'll kind of eat whatever,

but then we just kind of send up a hope and a prayer that, you know, nothing bad happens. But the data tells us, the science tells us, and this is you talking to me, you've never told me this before, hold out by the way, that most of us, most of the time we'll put on 50 to 90% of our weight for the year in that those last few months and then we just hit a new plateau. We just maintain a week, throughout the year, but a big chunk of it is getting off the rails in the holidays, enjoying yourself, having fun at the holiday parties, having fun with family and friends on multiple parties, and then just holding steady the next

year and then doing it again. And then hold and steady the next year and just doing it again. Suddenly you wake up and you find yourself in a tough spot. That's correct. And again, we're talking about data we're talking about averages of course of course like i know there's some people will say i didn't go late during the holidays he's already like summer barbecues for me okay well we're again we're talking about for the for the average person that's right so but actually there's things to do i think the first thing is realize that you know a lot of your Ramsey listeners are going to be familiar with keeping a budget. Yeah.

You know, uh, calories are kind of, you know, kind of like a budget. Um, you know, so if, for example, you could be great with your calorie budget all week, but if you go crazy on the weekends, um, you know, it's still going to blow your budget, right? That's right. So you have to be mindful. Now, when it comes to holidays, again, we're talking about usually series of meals.

So what I recommend to people is if you know that there's an event coming up, the first thing is, like, if you know you've got a dinner, don't go out to breakfast that morning, right? And then don't have a to breakfast that morning, right? And then don't have a really heavy lunch. Like try to keep it lighter earlier in the day. So that you've got, you've got some more flexibility in your budget for later. Then when it comes to your actual meals, you know,

food order doesn't really matter that much. Some people make a big deal about it, but I would say, you know, food order doesn't really matter that much. Some people make a big deal about it. But I would say, you know, when you're making your plate at a holiday meal, you know, most people aren't going to give you a bunch of guff. Because I know a lot of people say, well, I want my family to give me hard times and I'm not eating. But can we make a plate that, you know, then try to choose like leaner proteins. So maybe like, you know maybe ham is actually relatively lean. And then white meat turkey or a mix of white and dark meat. So you've got some leaner proteins on there.

Eat those first. They tend to be a little bit more satiating and kind of dampen your hunger a little bit as you head into the less filling things. Try to get some vegetables in there. That's also going to be filling and then like hey have some of the foods you want have some of that you know sweet potato with butter you know have some of that stuffing and have some dessert but you know make you know just tell yourself one thing i tell people is you just have one serving okay you can have one serving to like a totally normal human being and you you know listen to your satiety cues okay if you feel full there's no reason to keep eating i think another

thing to keep in mind is liquid calories and this is where you know one alcohol consumption is higher during the holidays so if you know you're going to be drinking either alcohol or another form of liquid calories, those tend to not be, those are really satiating. Liquid calories don't tend to satisfy us. So if you're not a big alcohol person, which, you know, if you're listening to the show, we probably don't recommend that. Well, maybe focus on your food. And if you do want to have a couple of drinks, maybe you're stepping out and say, okay, I'm going to omit the starch today. I'm going to omit the dessert today because I am going to have a couple of drinks. Like these are trade-offs, right? Just like if you were doing a budget, okay, you know, I want to go take the wife out

to dinner. It's going to cost, you know, 150 bucks. And so that means, you know, I'm not going and playing golf two days this month, something like that. That model, when you told me that privately, just in a private phone call, that model was transformative for me when I began to think, oh, I've got $2,000 I can spend today. So it's not a matter of, can I eat that Cadbury egg or not? Of course you can. It's just going to cost you $600 and you only have $2,000 to spend. And do you want to have that steak that your wife is making tonight?

Because that's going to cost you $1,200 because it's a ribeye and it's fantastic. Now you're down to like an apple, right? So when I just begin to think of it as a budget, not in the dramatic way or I can't do this kind of way, dude, and I love the advice. Man, when I'm conscientious and I ask myself this question, am I really hungry or am I just eating

because I'm uncomfortable? When I just ask myself that question, sometimes I'm like, nope, and I'm having that pie anyway. Fine. My rule is I never fall off the wagon, but sometimes I'll step off the wagon and roll around in the mud and climb back on. Fine. I've got to pay the piper on that one. But I find myself mindlessly eating around family and friends and awkward situations.

I don't know what to do with my hands, so I just grab something. And that idea of there's a budget and am I really hungry right now? And dude, let's eat the proteins first, just as a simple, it's not going to solve all your problems in a dramatic YouTuber kind of way, but it does help, right? It does help fill me up a little bit and gets me going that way. So dude, those are some great, great, great tips great tips man Any last like one truth bomb you can leave us You've already ruined my Thanksgiving so thanks And I would say like hey You know I'm not telling people

You need to bring a food scale and track your calories Or anything like that like just Mindful reasonable portion sizes If you're somebody that does struggle with like Oh you know I want to have something in my hand. Okay. You can have water or, you know, diet soda. God forbid. I know there's a lot of people who are really mad about this. We might have time to come to the research, but if you want to take my word for it, the research in human studies where they control appropriately, 80% of studies show that diet soda is perfectly safe. And the 20% that don't are mostly weak correlations that have a lot of confounding variables.

So if we're using the one white analogy, which is to shoot the alligator closest to the boat, if that diet soda, even if it's not ideal, if it makes you more comfortable and you end up not eating 2,000 calories of whatever, then that's a great tradeoff. Dude, hey, that has been, you and I have talked offline using your Carbon app, which is the best app in the game. I'm down 10 pounds and it's not water. It's not keto water down. It is 60 days slow losing body fat. And one of the things that's

kept me in the game is either Coke Zero or Diet Coke or Stevia. And I know all the diet witch hunters are going to come after me for that. But the data is the data. Is it the most healthiest thing? No, not at all. But does it keep me on the path?

Yes. And here's what I'm finding. 60 days in, I'm using it less and less and less, right, as I make my transition. Don't let the enemy of progress be perfection. That's such a big thing. So many people feel like they've got to get this stuff

completely perfect the first time around and they won't let them, it's like, I'm trying to completely clean, let it shoot. What ends up happening

is when they ever, they get exposed to this kind of stuff, they go crazy because they haven't learned how to moderate. And I think one more thing I'll add is,

like, you know, if you fall off the wagon, so to speak, no shame, don't beat yourself up, figure is, you know, if you fall off the wagon, so to speak, no shame. Don't beat yourself up. Figure out, you know, have a conversation like, why did this happen? What can I do in the future? And then move on.

And if you're going to have fun foods, pick foods you really enjoy. Don't waste it on stuff that's just for grabbing stuff. And one more thing. Limit your snacks. Try to limit your food to your meals. The research actually very clearly shows one of the biggest characteristics between people who lose weight and keep it off versus those that don't is people who lose weight and keep it off, on average, don't snack very often because snacks are less satiating and you tend to remember them less.

In fact, when you look at the research, people under-report their caloric intake by about 50% on average. So, and by the way, they do the same thing to death. So, it's not that people are lying, it's just that we have rose-colored glasses,

and if you ask somebody, hey, what'd you eat yesterday, you remember your meals, but you probably don't remember your snacks. The cookies and the Kit Kats and all that kind of stuff. Yeah, dude, that's incredible. But, dude, I'm going to let you go. Dude, I'm so grateful for you. Get back to working out.

Beefcake. Beefcake! But, dude, thanks for being my friend. For everybody out there, please, if you're considering like, hey, I'm going to actually take this thing seriously to the next level and use data,

Carbon app. The Carbon app is the best. It's what I use. It's what my manager uses. Kelly's got it. It's just the best. It's the best. It's the best app. And I just recently, Lane, found the barcode scanner part of it that I don't even have to punch it in. I can just scan the barcode. It's amazing. All I have to say is thank you so much for being, A, one of the best in the business and a close friend and a guy that

helps me through personal challenges that I have behind closed doors. I'm just really grateful for you. So this holiday season, be mindful. Enjoy yourself. Have fun. If you don't want to be around your family, don't just stand there mindlessly grabbing things and eating them. Go outside. Tell everybody you got to go. Go take a nap in the back room.

Sing. I don't know what you got to do. Just be mindful. We'll be right back. Hey, what's up? Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious or burned out or chronically stressed at some point. In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond

to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life. Get your copy today at johndeloney.com. All right, we are back as we wrap up today's show. Everyone's favorite segment, Am I the Problem?

All right, let's do it, Kelly. You ready? Let's do it. All right. Am I the Problem? My husband and I were talking about his cousin and the guy she married. They aren't doing well and both suffer from addictions. He doesn't have a job.

My husband started to voice that he wanted better for her. Someone that would wine and dine her and take care of her. Remind you that my husband doesn't do any of that for me either, which is probably why I got so hurt. But he says that she's like a real life Barbie and he expected better for her. Side note, I have brown hair, green eyes opposite of Barbie, and now I'm hurt. There are so many layers to this, honestly. We were in a cult-like church, and he was getting desperate, so I truly believe that he settled so that in the back of my head, I think he wishes he had the Barbie.

Am I the problem? Whoa, there's lots of problems here, hun. So, oh, eesh. Sounds like Husband made a comment and that evoked an entire Lord of the Rings trilogy. Just the three-hour version of each one and the double, a last one. And maybe that story comes, she comes by those stories naturally

because her husband's just not great but if you find yourself so am I the problem I mean kind of but also it sucks that he's like she deserves this this and this and you're looking at your husband like you don't do any of that stuff the fact

that you couldn't say honey you don't do any of that stuff tells me there's more challenges in your relationship because you're not able just to call it out. So if anybody finds himself in this situation, I always advise, unless somebody is not safe, let that situation pass because nobody wins if you go to war in that situation.

I know people are like, you got to dress it right then. That's dumb. It's dumb. But you need to go out and take your husband to breakfast or lunch and say, hey, you said some things about your sister. I feel like you settled when you married me. I feel like you said she deserves to be wine and dine, but you don't ever wine and dine me. So maybe I don't deserve it. And put that stuff out there. Put that stuff out

there because it's circulating in your relationship. I don't know. What do you think, Kelly? Yeah, I think the same thing. I'm very curious about the part where she said they were in a cult-like church. And that he felt like he had to get married. I can see where that would maybe think like, so I was just available. Yes. But we just have a very hard conversation, I think. Yes. So I don't know that anybody's a problem here as much as, but I will say this.

Everybody, I did it this morning. Waking up out of bed this morning in that little haze I start I thought I had a thought about work today and I just went down a road like I don't want I can't even Freaking and then I started laughing and go. Nope not doing that and I didn't have to yell or anything I just said stop and I got up and Went did my morning stuff so stop with the Oh, he just settled and then this and then this and then and did my morning stuff. So stop with the, oh, he just settled. And then this, and then this, and then this, and then this. Dude, don't do that. Don't do that.

You're just going to make yourself bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S. So just have the hard conversation. Does that sound right? Yeah, I think that's really all there is to it. I think the whole thing's a problem. Yeah. All of it.

But dude, by the way, I mean this with all due respect. If your husband's talking better about his sister than you, y'all should probably have that conversation. Hey, see y'all next time. Love you. Bye.