The Dr. John Delony Show - I Feel Like My Wife Is Always Angry at Me

Episode Date: June 10, 2026

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I run my own business and my wife stays at home and she's been a stay at home all the whole time. There's things that don't get done at the house and she gets upset about that. When she says something's not being done, I take it personally and I end up snapping at her. Is your wife somebody who complains at you a lot? What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. Coming to you live from Nashville, Tennessee, taking your calls on your mental and emotional health, your relationship. your marriage, your kids, whatever you got going on. By the way, we're not live, Kelly.

I don't know why you always say that. I'm talking to folks live, but y'all are hearing this not live. So there you go. I think it just makes me feel cool. And that's depressing that that makes me feel cool. There should be so many other things that make me feel cool, but we are live, even though we're not. So let's go out to Dallas, Texas and talk to Glenn.

What's up, Glenn? How's it going? I'm doing all right, brother. How are you? I'm doing good Excellent What's up? I think the

basic of my question And I'm sure you're going to dig in But I guess first off I want to appreciate And say I really thank you For all that you do But two years ago I had the meeting

And turn the lights off I actually Return lights on you say But I actually had to turn the lights off Because all the kids were in bed But I had that conversation And with my wife and we're kind of rebuilding things.

And so the last two years, kind of looking over myself and trying to figure out what's, what are the things that are going on that I'm not even kind of aware of and why. And one of those things is being so defensive. And I can't seem to break the cycle, I guess. And so as much as, you know, I work,

I run my own business and my wife, stays at home and she's been a stay-at-home mom for, you know, I think she's worked two or three months of her, of our 16-year marriage. And so she's been to stay-at-home all the whole time. And at times it's like, there's things that don't get done at the house and she gets upset about that where, like, she likes a clean house and things. And I get home and then we got baseball and softball and all the kids sports and stuff. And it's, um,

I think it just, when she says something is not being done, I take it personally. And I end up snapping at her. And it's just, I don't know, it's not like a, I'm aggressive towards her.

It's just, I can feel myself going, why are you getting mad at me? And I don't know how to break that cycle. Um, because on the, on the back end, she's supportive and she'll make my lunches.

And I mean, She sort of serves me in so many other ways. Man. I don't know what all you need to know there. Well, I guess first and foremost, dude, I want to celebrate you to the ends of the earth, man. Men are not taught to be reflective and to look in the mirror and say, what am I contributing to this? and getting to the bottom, right, distilling everything down to, here's what I'm contributing to the problem here.

It takes a level of emotional maturity that just, quite frankly, is not modeled at the highest levels of our country, is not modeled in our neighborhoods, and it's especially not modeled in online. And so, dude, I just want to celebrate you, brother. I don't talk to a lot of men who say, I'm struggling with contempt. I'm struggling with defensiveness.

Like these four horsemen, you know, that the Gottman's talk about. So shout out, dude. I would hug you if you were here. I'm proud of you, okay? So let's take, actually, you know what? I want to take a weird track, okay? We're going to get to you. But let's call a spade a spade, okay?

Is your wife somebody who, complains at you a lot. I want to say I feel like it. That's the way I feel a lot of times. I feel like I don't do enough around the house. You feel like you don't, or you feel like you do a ton, and it's an ever-moving finish line?

A little bit of both, because I feel like I do a lot. I mean, obviously I provide for the family's income, And the last couple of years, we can get into the details, but it's been pretty stressful and starting a business and stuff. And so it's, like, I do a lot. I mean, I work a lot. I provide a lot. I've been doing it for, you know, 20 years.

And so I think sometimes I'm like, okay, well, I do a lot outside the house, but how much do I actually do in the house? but I could what I guess I feel like I could when I do do the dishes or the floors or whatever and it might be appreciative in the moment but then the next day it's like if I don't do it again

then I'm not doing enough like then that's when it's like well I just so it's kind of a both I think okay that's awesome because when it's a both um there's some pretty clear

strategies for how to navigate that And here's the reason I started with her. I do know men and women who look in the mirror and eventually turn themselves into dormats because they have a spouse who never, ever, ever bothers to get to know them, bothers to see them, bothers to celebrate them, and just challenge, challenge, challenge, challenge. And so part of seeing a spouse is knowing they're different than me. clean to them is not clean to me. It's different.

100% right. And so seeing each other is a, and by the way, you seeing her is different, right? Like, I think things are fine right now. And no, and then the next level is, I'm going to get to know her. Teach me about what a clean kitchen means to you. Tell me about I'm running home from work.

I drop everything, grab the shing guards and the cleats and the kids and we're out the door, how in that transaction, all you can see is my bag on the table and the backpacks on the table. How is that all you see? Teach me about that. And vice versa, her getting to know you,

what is so hard about taking 17 more steps than putting this bag in our bedroom? Right? But you see how that's not judgmental. We're just being curious. That's what getting to know somebody is. It's just curiosity. and then celebrating each other all the time.

Like little notes, I see what you did here. And she might say, where me and my wife went into trouble is, we were both trying to celebrate each other a lot, but we were celebrating each other in ways that we like to be celebrated. My wife would love for all of her meals to just be made. For me, that, like, I can, just live off silly things, right? So what she would do is she would make meals for me. And what I really wanted was a hug. What I really wanted was her to say, I see how hard you're working and I'm

super grateful for you. I'm proud of you, right? And so it took us getting to that next level of known is what are some ways you feel loved and what are some ways I feel loved? And even if it's uncomfortable for us, we're going to do those things, right? And then if you see and know and celebrate somebody that gives you permission for that challenge because now I know we're on the same team right and so like a good coach coach knows hey we all want to win this game and so if you hold your elbow up a little higher when you swing you're going to hit the ball more and we're all going to we're all going to benefit for right so we're on the same team there and so let me ask you built into the word defensive is defense when your wife says hey you're not helping out around here

or you let you track mud in or whatever. What are you playing defense against? When your body rises up to protect you, what is it playing defense against? Shame, embarrassment, or anger or frustration? Like, what are you playing defense against? I just, I mean, some of the things that we've talked about is, I mean, I don't feel good enough for her.

Okay. I there is some shame and stuff there I mean I've had a um I've had trouble with porn since I was probably 10 or 11 years old and that's one of the things that came out two years ago that was a big deal because she thought I had stopped and I hadn't and um I mean you know two years ago in July is when we had the conversation and I haven't I haven't touched it since um but it's still like there's still this I mean there's a other More detailed things in the background that we may not have time for, but I think it comes down to just not feeling good enough and then the fear of her leaving in a sense. Has she threatened to leave? Maybe one time in 16 years. Okay.

Did anybody leave you when you were a kid? I mean, not physically, but thinking through a lot of it. I mean, my parents were there physically, but I don't know if they were there, you know, for us in a sense. Definitely not mentally, more emotionally, I should say. We were just talking about to have emotions, so I didn't. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A very Texas male of us, right?

Yeah, right. Which parent were you responsible for making sure they didn't get mad? Oh, my dad. Okay. so is there kind of a I call it a shadow team right like where mom would look at you like hey you need to do this this and this

or dad's going to get mad yeah the most part okay you know this but I want to say it out loud is never a child's job to make sure their parents are not emotionally reactive

right that's the adult's job and you hiding out in your own skin, which is what pornography is, which is what alcohol is, which is what online gambling is, it is I'm trying to feel alive and keep the outward shield in place. I feel dead in my own skin.

Because here's what I see. You did an amazing thing by sitting down your wife saying, I'm going to be honest and open, no more secrets, I want to rebuild this thing from the floor up. It sounds like she said she was in. And you immediately,

went to how do I perform as a building guy, right, as a construction guy instead of the layer beneath that, which is, I don't want to sing and dance and perform in my own house. Right. Right? Because all of that gets so exhausting. And what you've done for yourself is noble, like no more pornography,

but you haven't refilled that space with any sort of other aliveness, right? You and your wife haven't decided, let's build a secret world where we both feel so alive inside this thing. What would that be for you? And what would that be for me? And how can I spend my whole life giving that to you and you giving that to me? Instead, it has been, hey, what do you want this house to look like wife? And she paints the picture.

It's not co-created. It's created. And you're spending your life not measuring up. You get what I'm saying? Does that make sense? I'm trying to bring it down. I don't want to speak in the clouds here. No, I think that's

No, I understand Yeah, I don't know what to say now Okay, well, I Here's a path forward. Number one, I'm going to give you and your wife A Year of the Together app for free, okay? Okay. And it's tiny little actions to teach each other

about seeing and knowing and celebrating each other. All right. So, I mean, one of the, one thing that, like, I thought about doing that in the past, and I tried to get her to go to couples counseling. I've done my own counseling over the last year, and she's gone it like a couple of times, but it's just not something that she thinks is beneficial

and doesn't want to spend the money on. And so I'm afraid that if we do the Together app stuff, like if she's looking at it, it's going to look too much planned or kind of fake, I guess in a sense. The thing that always comes to my head that you say is that she's got this image or like this movie in her mind

that she wants me to do, but I don't know the script to it. Yes. And if I don't play it out exactly, then it's just this big ordeal. Okay. And I'm going to tell you, I don't want, I'm not talking to her,

so I hate to talk like this, but that sounds like somebody who's living in contempt. And contempt is the worst of the four horsemen of the relationship apocalypse. And here's why. That person thinks that the way they see the world is right. And anyone who doesn't see the world like them,

especially their spouse, is less than, is grosser than, is less whatever than. And nobody in a marriage can read minds, which is why a roadmap is so important. Clarity is so important. And that's very un-Hollywood, right? Getting together once a week and saying, how can I love you this week?

Here's what's on the calendar this week. So let me paint you, again, I don't want to make this about me, but here's what me and my wife did, and we've learned it the hard way. I wrote one book. It was tough in our house. I wrote a second book on, being anxious and man that was revealing this third book that I'm just about to finish we sat down

a year ago and said okay we're about to enter into a wild season what's this going to look like how can I love you in this season how can you love me how can we put relational deposits in now that we're going to need to withdraw from when things get really busy and so for y'all you're starting a new business that comes with long hours. That comes with a lot of, even when you're at home, you're still in your head. That comes with navigating personnel and navigating supply chain stuff and navigating gas prices, all that stuff, right? And so a spouse who's on your team says, I'm going to pick up the slack in this season because we've planned for it. Because it can't be 50-50 in this season.

So it's going to be 80-20 and I'm going to carry extra load here. and he's going to be really tired and I'm going to be really tired. And then as this business gets off the ground and we're going to talk every week, every month, and every year and say, where are we? And then she's going to say, I've been carrying extra water for two years now. You need to hire somebody new or what's the path forward here, right? And so, but that's y'all planning not just to rebuild your marriage, but planning on the seasons inside of your marriage.

And if she looks at you and says, I'm not doing that, then that's revealing you'll have a bigger challenge in your marriage. Do you what I'm saying? Yeah, I think that's the fear. Okay. The longer you try to perform your way around this fear,

the worse it's going to get. The only path through it is through it. and so can I give you a script that I want you to use with her? Yeah. Okay. Here's the problem. I feel like I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I don't know how I can win.

And the story I'm making up, this is number two, the story I'm making up is there's not a thing I can do to where you will be happy. Number three, that makes me feel lost, makes me feel less than, it makes me feel like I'm never going to be the man that you want. Number four, I'm going to ask you for a roadmap, a weekly list of things I can do and check off here. And then she might look at you and say, no, you should know already. Or I'm not giving you that list. Or I don't even know.

Right? And if that's the response, then you all have bigger issues. If the response is, oh my gosh. the story is this, I'm so sorry, you feel like that. I'll be glad to, let's navigate this thing together, right? You get what I'm saying? Yeah. Or the story I'm making up is, if I miss the dishes on the wrong day at the wrong time,

you're going to leave me. And that makes me feel always on edge and always scared, right? Yeah. But you worrying about that all the time is not bringing y'all closer together. It's keeping you all further apart. And it's making you want to dance more and be more armored up. And that's a recipe for collapse. It sounds like your wife is also struggling with who she is in her own skin,

and she's wanting you to fix that. And that will always be a moving target because she just is working on trying not to feel a certain way, and it's your job to make sure she don't feel that way. And she has to take ownership of her feelings and her emotions and her next right action. And that's really hard with her not on the phone. So thank you so much for the call, brother. Hang on the line. We'll get you hooked up with the resources.

We come back, a woman asks how to handle inheritance when her child's religious beliefs no longer align with her and her husbands. We'll be right back. When a family loses someone they depend on, the weight they carry isn't only the grief of the loss. It's also the real-life pressure of bills, the mortgage, groceries, all of these big decisions and all of these big needs that keep on coming as the world keeps spinning

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In a bit of a pickle. I love pickles. We developed a trust way back in 1999, and we had yet to amend it. My husband. Okay. All right. You and your husband developed a trust. Okay.

Okay. In 1999, and obviously a lot has changed. Our children are older, and we have to amend it. However, our son has married into a marriage and he's all in on this new face that we can't put our arms around. And my husband is adamant that he gets nothing. And I'm of the, I'm going to start crying here.

Wow. I'm of the, we still have a wonderful relationship with him. We love him. He is a blessing from God. And I don't know, we're going to be gone. So what is what doesn't matter? But he doesn't feel like he can, he wants our hard-earned dollars to be supporting a faith that we really don't believe in. How can I help? I don't know. I thought maybe you'd have some good ideas.

well i mean i think your husband's wrong but he's not on the phone um or let me say here's the deal it's y'all's money y'all can do whatever you want to with your money right um i have a visceral response in my chest when people want to use want to wield power to get other people to believe what they want to believe, which is different than do what I want them to do. You get what I'm saying? Yeah. And so when I take,

by the way, I take calls all the time on this on the Ramsey show that I also co-host and in my private life, if somebody is going to leave an inheritance to somebody who is really struggling with addiction, I always tell them not to, because that money will kill them.

Right. Right. it'll destroy. Right. If you want to leave that money in a trust for rehab, for support, I'm all about that. Right. But when somebody... Yeah, that's right.

And so, and if somebody is living a life that you don't agree with and you don't want to support, it's your money, you can do what you want to with it. Right. What is your... You say you have a wonderful relationship with your son. it sounds like your husband does not have a good relationship with his son. He does. It's a very conditional relationship.

It's sad it struggles over the years, but now everything's great. It's not. It's still very conditional. Yeah. And that's not a good relationship. That is a transactional relationship. You do this, and then I'll do that. Right.

And that is different than you can always come home. You get what I'm saying? Right. Right. I mean, we pray about it every day. Sure. What faith are you and what faith has your son moved on to? We are Catholic, Christian, and our son is now Islam. Okay. Well, here's the thing. I don't have any, I can't tell you what to do. You know what I mean? Right. Other than I would want to look at the character of my son, the father he is, the husband.

husband he is. Exactly. That's how I feel. He's a great dad. And the citizen he is. He's a great guy. And I might say, hey,

this isn't the path I would have chosen for you. I believe something different than you. Right. I want to, I mean, that's, I mean, again, I don't want money to hurt my kid.

And at the same time, I'll honor your husband's faith beliefs, if he thinks giving money to him is going to further entrench and hurt him, then your husband's got a, I mean, it's y'all's money, by the way. You get an equal vote here, but he's going to follow his conscience, right? Yeah, I mean, yeah, it's a struggle, but I mean, we'll get through it, but we did meet with an attorney and she had some good ideas as well. What were her ideas? Um, maybe a generation skip, but I don't think that solves it because Those kids are going to be raised as Muslim, right?

Correct. Yeah. Um, and a generation skip would, would, in my opinion, would not be values based. It would be punishment based. Mm. Right? Yeah. Because if, if your husband's values are truly, I will not support a Muslim family.

mine or anybody else's. God, just saying that makes my skin crawl. But here we go. Like, I refuse to, then hold to that value. But if he says, no, no, no, I want to take care of my grandkids. So I'm just going to punish my son.

That's a whole other level, right? Right. I don't know if he feels like it's punishing or, um, He just feels strongly about our faith. As he should. And as I feel about mine. Right.

And supporting a faith he totally doesn't get. Sure. So, yeah. It's a pickle. Yeah. I, again, everybody's different on it. I'm going to look at the character of my son, character of my daughter

and their path forward, right? Right. Do you have other children? Yes, a daughter. A daughter. How much are we talking here in this trust? I mean, I think it's pretty substantial. About 9 mil.

Yeah, that's a big boy trust. Yeah. And so the other thing I would tell you, is, I can't count the number of families I've sat with where one kid gets left out and the other kid gets everything. And the only thing that ensures is that I'm going to destroy my siblings' relationship with each other after we're gone too. Mm-hmm. Yeah. We don't want them to be bickering.

Right. Or I'm going to put my daughter in a position. We don't want them to be angry at her. Yeah, I'm going to put my daughter in a position to either, when you all die, go ahead and move half of this over to brother, or and then violate my parents' wishes, right? Put her in an impossible situation. Exactly. And we wanted to make her trustee. But maybe that's not a great idea either.

Yeah. You're right. You've got a pickle. Let me tell you this. I think the biggest pickle is between you and your husband, not the money. Right. Because you feel pretty strongly one way, don't you? Yeah.

Yeah. Do you feel like your voice can be heard at the table? Yeah. Yeah, and he was amenable to some of the ideas. I mean, he's a great guy, and he's just convicted, I guess. I don't know. Yeah. And here's another thing that really bothers him is they don't believe in interest.

Like they don't believe in paying interest or receiving interest. So he's thinking, well, where is this money going to go? Has he sat down with his son? No, we probably need to. So of all of the big issues here, issue number one is, if you're going to make a stand based on principle and value, you better do, like, you better have the courage. to sit down and look at the person

that you're taking the stand against and explain yourself. Yeah. That's courage, that's bravery. That's the relational cost of taking a stand. Okay. And so if he has a lived problem to the tune of $4.5 million

to the tune of his relationship with his son, he needs to have the courage to sit down across the table from a grown man with the wife, with kids, and lay it out. That's integrity. Right.

Right. And that's probably what we need to do. Yeah. I don't like the idea of your son bringing his family around and everybody playing like everything's okay when it's not. Right.

I mean, we've had our debates. Sure. Every family has debates. Me and my parents, God, all my, We have so many debates. Right. And he, our son, was really getting, not angry. I don't know what the word is, but even his wife told him, hey, settle down.

I mean, we tried to talk about our faiths and we debate about it. And he, you know, he was, wow. And now he's totally calmed down. and he's, we don't even really talk about it much anymore. Sure. He knows where we're coming from, and we know where he's coming from. Sure. And let's parse it out.

Whenever you switch faiths and you know it's going to cost you relationally, you have to make a choice to vigorously defend this decision. Mm-hmm. Right? And so anytime somebody walks away from the faith, I expect there to be a blast radius to that. Mm-hmm. Right.

There has to be something that fills that emotional vacuum because I'm making a huge decision that may cost me in my relationship. So I'm going to defend it vigorously, right? And as parents, our job is to stay in firm emotionally be like, do-da-do-do-do-do-do-do. We love you. We love you. Right. Right.

The challenge in your home is your husband's making an equally vigorous defense of his faith. Right. And he's just not saying anything. he's just making his moves under the table. Right. And so your son may be getting angry, getting vigorous, like getting like, I'm debating loud. Your husband's like, all right, that's cool.

I'm just going to move $4.5 million away. That's a vigorous defense, too. That's just he's doing it silently. Right. And at least I would high-five your son for having the courage to do it in your living room, right? Right. Well, it was actually over the phone, but...

Over the thought, right? Which is the stupidest way. way to have debates over anything. Or emails or whatever. Especially emails. Emails are the worst. Emails and texts, no chance. Phone calls are super lame in person because you see the living, breathing person there.

And few debates, like, turn into personal attacks when somebody's like, hey, pass the asparagus, please, right? Like, it has a way of, which is why for your particular faith, I think the taste, I think the table, the metaphor is so important. Because everybody's eating. Everybody's looking at each other in the eye. You can see each other's eye crinkles and you can see each other's hair. You can see the grandkids right there. Like it has a way of breathing 360-degree life into a debate.

That's why I just don't engage in online debates. They're just fruitless. They're two-dimensional. They're not real. And so, yeah, y'all got a pickle. The challenge I would put before your husband is he better be a person of integrity and have the courage to sit down in front of a son and say, it's my money, which it is, and I'm making this decision, period.

And here's what I'm choosing to do with my, me and your mom's money. And you can sit by your husband and say, we're both in this together. You can look at and say, I reject this. And if my husband passes away, I'm going to change it the day he passes away. You can decide these things. You all can decide these things. And you can look your husband as a matter of integrity. and look your husband in the eye and say,

if you die before me, I'm changing this trust. Y'all get to decide all those things, but it's going to be messy. I'll just ask that you'll hold your convictions tightly and do it with integrity. And that means not waiting till y'all both pass away and leaving your daughter to deal with the aftermath or leaving your son staring up into the sky

asking a bunch of questions, Dad, why didn't you have the courage to talk to me? I can't help much on this one other than y'all need to head straight through this thing, to straight through this thing together. When we come back, a woman asks how she can ask for more boundaries at home when family staying over is exhausting her. We'll be right back.

Everything, and I mean, everything feels like it's off the rails. I've spent my entire career working in chaotic, wild situations behind closed doors, and I've never seen anything like what's going on in our world today. I want to challenge you to stop consuming all of the news, all of the chaos, all of the stress, even all the sports scores, and spiritually ground yourself in the morning, in the evening, before you launch out into any madness. One of the ways I keep myself spiritually grounded in my faith is by using the Hallow app almost every single morning.

Hallow is the number one Christian prayer and meditation app in the world. The app has everything from scripture readings to music, meditation, lectures, stories, and more. It's worth checking out. You can try Hallow for free for three months at Howl. hollow.com slash deloni and take back your sanity, especially before everyone else tries to take it from you. That's three months for free at hallow.com slash deloni. All right, let's go out to Omaha, Nebraska and talk to Lynn. Hey, Lynn, what's up?

Hi, John. How are we doing? Good. How are you? Doing all right. What's up? So my question is over the years, my husband and I have opened our home to people kind of going through different hard seasons in their life, if that's friends, if that's family. But now we have a handful of young children and just really starting to feel stretched thin and just kind of torn between helping others and being fully present with our own family and just from a base base person. perspective, we're just wondering, like, how can we set healthy boundaries without feeling like we're turning people away? What you're asking is, how do I do the next right thing for each other and for our family and not have a certain feeling about it? And I want to tell you, there's no such thing as that. And so the question here is not, how do I do a thing to avoid an uncomfortable feeling?

and it is to pick the next right action and feel those feelings and then go do the next right thing. Because here's the thing, you're going to have uncomfortable feelings if you have a bunch of little kids and you have struggling people in your house too. And you're going to have uncomfortable feelings if for a season you and your husband say,

hey, we got to refill our pitcher. We have a ton going on. And so we used to be able to do these things and we're in a place right now where we can't do those things or we can't do them as much and that might make you feel a certain way. But either way, you're going to have hard feelings

and so my challenge to y'all would be what hard feelings do we want to have in the middle of our spirits, the middle of our chest, and then what's the next right thing we need to do for us right now? Yeah, because I'm just afraid of like with people like staying over that the focus

becomes on the person that's staying, and then our children, like, don't get the attention that they feel like they want, or, like, say they're needing mom or dad to put them down for the night, and somebody's deep in a conversation, and they can't be there for them where the other parent would have to, like, step in and go do that. But it's just, like, them wanting mom and dad, and maybe mom and dad aren't, like, fully available. Well, and I would put that back on mom and dad. Yeah.

I've got a rotating cast of characters that come to my house. And often for folks who are struggling, it's important for them to see. I have a list of priorities. And priority one is my wife. Party two is my kids. Party three is you, my guest here in my house. Gotcha. Right?

And so even, like the example you just gave me there, stopping somebody in the middle of a conversation and saying, hey, we're deep in it, but I need 15 minutes to go take care of my kids. It's somebody that doesn't honor that, or if you think this conversation is so important that 15 minute break will destroy yada, yada, yada, you're taking on way too much responsibility for somebody else.

I understand. Okay. Does that make sense? And so really it's, tell me if I'm wrong here, is the deeper question. Let me see if I can phrase this the right way. Tell me where you're just exhausted. It's just exhausting when we currently have like one young adult that's currently

full-time living in the house. And therefore we have their, you know, emotions and moods that they go through. And then they have their questions that they ask and whatnot. And eventually they're planning to. like move away. But then we also have a family member that's been staying with us on the weekend and they are

advancing age and we're working on their health getting better. But with young children I am just getting to the point of exhaustion with that one because I'm like constantly picking up trying to make sure that nothing's in the way so this person doesn't trip or fall over

in our house and it's just like I feel like my brain is trying to tend to somebody who's in our house, but then also attending to my children that are just being children. They're into everything. They're running around. They're having fun and also trying to maintain them.

Right. How old are your kids? They are all under the age of five. How many? The youngest being. I have four. Oh, good God almighty. The youngest is about a month old.

And I'm going crazy there. Yes. Yes. Tell me about this adult that's staying full-time with y'all. She's currently like an undergrad school and she has been living with us out of a personal choice and we're glad to have her. But she's had her own struggles and we've always been there as like second parents for her. and sometimes, you know, with them being young, it's like they think they know it all and trying to be there isn't a guide for them.

We can get into some really deep conversations. Can I ask you a hard question? Yeah. Is she staying with y'all because she desperately needs this? Or is she staying with y'all because y'all need it? Kind of a bit of both. Okay. I would say.

So this is a hard thing to say to somebody with such a caring heart, okay, for you and your husband. But it can be really easy for people with big hearts to begin to use people who are struggling to make themselves feel better. Or as a distraction from the chaos and boredom and madhouseness that it is having five kids under, I mean, four kids under the age of five. I don't feel like we're using. I know you don't feel like that way. I'm just saying, let me say this, I want to free you to be able to sit down and say, hey, this semester's coming to an end. Come July 1, you're going to have to find another place to live.

Yeah. And we'll still be here for you. You can come by on the weekends and do laundry, but we're caring for an elderly family member, and we've got four kids under the age of five. Our house has gotten too chaotic and our time is getting split. Mm-hmm. What scares you about saying that? Or what makes you uncomfortable about saying that?

I'm feeling like we don't care about our. I don't think anything... They would have to choose to see that, to make up a story about y'all. Because everything up until now and beyond, caring for somebody doesn't mean I bury myself and my children for you to be satisfied.

Caring is saying, here's the capacity I have. In fact, here's the overflow of the capacity I have. And in this season, this is what I've got. Yeah. But caring doesn't mean doing everything for somebody else all the time forever. Yeah. And I know that they have to grow up and be responsible for themselves and everything, too.

It's just been kind of the nurturing is in trying to help, as in like understanding this is like real world and how to do. take it on. And that's where I'll meet you for coffee once a week. Yeah. You can combine the weekends and do laundry. But we have a thousand kids. I need some space back.

Right. And how old is this young adult? 21. Okay. I wouldn't, yeah, she needs to go get her own place. But I also would not expect her to fully understand. And so part of being in a mentor relationship is dealing with emotional and maturity of the people you're mentoring.

That's part of it. Not making sure they're always happy with you. That's not mentoring. That's people pleasing. Yeah. Or as my buddy Will Goddara, I think I just told us on another show, but my buddy Will Godera, he's one of the greatest restaurateurs in the world. And he told me that he always used to tell his staff, the first thing y'all do before

people coming to eat at this restaurant come in the door. is y'all have to go back to the kitchen and fill your pitcher up. So you can spend the rest of the evening serving. Yeah. And otherwise, you're no good to the people who are at the restaurant because you don't have any water in your pitcher. It's empty. And so for y'all, this season,

you need four or five years of getting your kids raised up, right? And I love my kids seeing people come stay at our house. I love them knowing dad stepping out, mom stepping out to go sit with somebody who's hurting. But they can never know that that's at the expense of them. And it never is. It can't be because I have to get my priorities right. Yeah. Because that is like my biggest concern, like moving forward since they're so young,

but I just don't want them to feel like they flip to the crack or we're not putting enough attention into them as they, are growing up because, I mean, our oldest is growing in personality, and that's where I just don't want them to lose their spark or lose who they should be because we're not investing like we should be into them. Yeah, I wouldn't worry about that too much because they're watching mom and dad be people of service. And so I wouldn't worry about that. I guess my biggest worry, if you were going to allow this 21-year-old to stay, that 21-year-old needs some major responsibilities around the house. That 21-year-old needs to pay rent. That 21-year-old needs to help pick up around the house with the kids. Yeah.

Like that 21-year-old needs to be out playing with the five- and four-year-old, and that 21-year-old needs to be babysitting once a week so you and your husband can get out and have a date. That would be nice. But hold on. You're acting like this is all happening to you. And I want you to take full ownership. You started the call, I wrote it down. We allow them to move in. So you and your husband have made this set of choices, which means this is what's awesome. I hope this is empowering.

Y'all can make different choices. Yeah. Tadda. That's awesome. But you're trapped in a cage and the lock is on the inside. Yeah. And most people don't realize how scary it is to step outside of the cage we've built for ourselves.

Yeah, that makes sense. Let me say it in an easier way. You're a pretty great woman, and your husband's a pretty great guy. And if you tell this 21-year-old, it's time for you to go get your own place. Here's how we can invest in you further, but we have a trillion kids here right now,

and we're caring for an elderly family member. We're at capacity. Anything other than y'all have been the most amazing people ever. I'm so grateful for y'all, anything other than that is on, on her. Y'all have gone above and above and above and above and beyond. Right?

But I want you and your husband to sit down and not feel like you're trapped. Because ultimately, I don't want you all using this 21-year-old as a way to either avoid dealing with the reality of four kids under five. I don't want you to use this other adult as a way to make yourself feel like y'all are good people. and if you're really invested in mentoring a 21-year-old, then we're going to help you go apartment shopping. We're going to help you build a bridge back to your parents, if possible. We're going to help you get your first job.

Not where I can help you get your first job, that's your job, but we're going to help you go shopping for your work clothes or whatever. But it's time to let 21-year-old bird fly. And if you're going to stay, you're going to have a bunch of responsibilities. You're going to be a living nanny because we got a lot of help that we need around here. because this place is a zoo. So thanks for the call, and I'm really grateful.

You're a good, good person. But I want you and your husband to be honest about what do we need to do to refill our picture. Not tonight, but in this next season. And your season's going to be several years long. Thanks for a call. We'll be right back.

This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Summer is here, and everything changes this time of year. The kids are out of school, routines go out the window, you're traveling more and you're probably sleeping less. And if you're not careful, you can end up running on fumes. I know I'm already there. If you don't slow down and take care of yourself,

all that stress doesn't just disappear. It shows up in your body, in your work, in your relationships, in your patience. It shows up everywhere and you find yourself not talking to anyone and just going inside yourself. And this is why I'm a big fan of BetterHelp. BetterHelp is an online therapy platform that matches you with a licensed therapist based on your goals and preferences. All of their therapists follow a strict code of conduct, and you can message your therapist in schedule sessions right in the app. If it's not the right fit, you can switch anytime at no extra cost.

You don't have to carry everything by yourself this summer. Go to BetterHelp.com slash Deloney to get 10% off. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P.com slash Deloney. All right, Kelly, got a cool update. What is it? So we had a guy that was on the show a couple months ago that wanted to know about, well, he had decided to step away from like politics and news and all that and how it was kind of ruining his life and he'd even lost a friendship over it.

And he wasn't if that was the right idea. And so he sent in an update. So I wanted to read it. He's so funny if he was like, I'm so lost. I hate you. I mean, rad. No, it was great. So over the past couple months, I've been meeting with a therapist from Better

help and it's helped immensely. I realized that most of my problems were caused by alcohol abuse, anxiety, anger, etc. It's been something I've struggled to deal with for years and I've not been able to kick it. I'm happy to say that I've gone almost a month with practically nothing to drink. I've had one drink on two occasions with my family and immediately regretted it and I think I'm to the point now of saying I'm officially done. My wife said that I've been significantly happier and much more enjoyable to be around since making these changes. And she said I didn't sound like an idiot when I called in. Also, when it comes to my friend of 25 years, it stopped talking to me due to politics, well, I decided to write him a letter, an old school handwritten letter.

Dr. John didn't tell me to, but I've heard him give the advice a million times, so I figure I would try it. I simply said how I hate that we stop talking because of politics, that I missed having him as a friend, and that how I never have and never will have anyone who cares, that I wouldn't care who anybody votes for. He reached out and we are on speaking terms again. a massive thank you to John and a massive thank you to everyone who helps make the show possible, even Kelly.

God, you always add that at the end of every call. I know, but this one was a little less like, hey, Kelly's great. It was just like, yeah, even Kelly as well. So I figured it was fair. Hey, dude, what's that guy's name? Justin.

Justin, you're doing the work, man. I'm proud of you. And to his friend who got the letter and reached back out, good on you, brother. Like, that's how relationships mend. That's how this culture is going to and is people saying, I messed up, I still love you.

I hope you'll love me back. And especially men picking up the phone and saying, yeah, I'm still here. Awesome. Love you guys. Bye.