The Dr. John Delony Show - I Feel Like the Cash Cow Funding My Wife’s Dreams

Episode Date: August 24, 2022

This episode gets real. First, we hear from a man who’s fed up with feeling like his wife’s cash cow (this call does not go how you think it will). Then, we hear from a young mom struggling with raising her toddler alone while her husband is deployed. And finally, John talks through what it means to be addicted to busyness. Lyrics of the Day: "It's Ok" - Nightbirdie Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show.  Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp DreamCloud Churchill Mortgage Resources: Own Your Past, Change Your Future Questions for Humans Conversation Cards Redefining Anxiety Quick Read John’s Free Guided Meditation Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. I feel like I'm a cash cow. You're her husband, man. I don't think she's ever, she's always had a safety net. I don't think she's ever been desperate like I have. She's your wife. What's the matter with you? What do you mean she's my wife?

What does that have to do with it? I am my wife's safety net. What's up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. So glad that you're with us. Talking about marriage and parenting and mental health and whatever else is going on in your life. On the greatest marriage and parenting and mental health podcast in the history of the planet. And since podcasts have been around for like 10 years, it's a bold statement, bold statement.

You wanna be on the show? Give me a buzz, 1-844-693-3291. That's 1-844-693-3291. Or you can go to johndeloney.com slash ask and fill out the form. Like it's 1982. And then Jenna will give you a buzz. Not a... What are the drinks called?

White Claw? Yes. Are those like hard seltzers? I think so. Yeah. It's like alcohol for kids. For children. It's like what we used to drink

in high school like Bartles and James exactly put Skittles in it okay that's not the kind of buzz Jenna will give you is what I'm trying to say

she will not she will she while intoxicating I'm just this is turning into an HR mess she is intoxicating she's not going to give you a buzz

she's going to call you I'm like alright let's go to Brian in Evanston this thing this is going to get off the rails before we even get going. What's up, Brian? Hey, how's it going? What's up, B-Money? Good, dude. You? Good. It's good to talk to you again.

You too, man. Again? Have we talked before? Yeah, yeah. You actually named the episode after my thing. Oh, so quick insider baseball. I don't ever name any of the episodes. That's pretty cool. That's Kelly's job. Very cool. Somebody did.

Yeah, there you go. Hey, so what's up, man? Hey, hold on. What did we talk about last time? About my ex-wife and how she's an emotional terrorist. And I think it was back in April, so it was quite a while how she's an emotional terrorist. And, uh, it was, I think it was back in April. So it was quite a while ago. I don't quite remember it, but everyone in the booth was like, oh yeah, we remember Brian. All right. So welcome back, Brian. It's good to see you again.

Yeah. Uh, thanks for having me. Um, yeah. So my, my question was like, I'm kind of frustrated with my wife and, and I'm trying to keep it from turning into resentment from her. Okay, this is your current wife? Yeah, yeah, my current wife. Okay. And, you know, she's been going to school to get her bachelor's degree, and, you know, it's taken her 10 years. And, you know, she started with an associate's. Okay.

And, you know, she's rack an associates and, uh, you know, she's racked up a bunch of student loan debt and, uh, you know, now she's, she's at the end here and, and, you know, she keeps failing this test she has to take. And every time it's like 150 bucks. And I mean, uh, I mean, I don't think she's stupid for sure. Like she's smart. I just don't understand why she keeps failing it. And, uh, you know, I, I'm almost starting to resent her for it. Cause I mean, it's like, I'm financing her dreams while I have to work a job that I really don't like just so we can pay the bills, you know? Hmm. Uh, I'm trying to think of where to start. So right out of the gate, you already resent her, dude.

You don't like her. You're annoyed by her. And she pisses you off. Let's just cut to it. Let's be honest. She does. That's a tough place to be. What is she going to school for?

What's taken 10 years to get 60 credit hours? Early childhood development. There's no exit test for EDC? It's for certification. It's called the Praxis test. Oh, okay. Yeah. What does she want to do?

She wants to work with special ed kids but uh you know with that degree with her degree she could go you know work up to like uh teach up to like third grade i think so let me just be real clear she has no interest in doing this she hasn't for a decade i would hope she does she this is like her her dream job it's it's absolutely not 100 it's not i guarantee you it's not. I guarantee you it's not. Here's how I know. Dude, you're going to have to chill out. I know you're pissed off, but you're going to have to chill out.

Yeah. If this was her dream, she would have done 60 hours in 18 months. When you're around people who are obsessive about a dream, the thing that they really want to do, they make it happen. They don't take a decade to get 60 hours. And you're talking to a guy that got two PhDs and had kids and I was working a full-time job and I was married. I was obsessed. Right? Yeah. We got, we got four kids She works at the school right now

As a para-educator or whatever I know, dude Can you just hear your voice? You don't like her I don't like what she's doing No, no You don't like her Why?

I like to think that I like her at least I would too She's the mother of your kids Four years on this Is it something Why? I like to think that I like her, at least. I would, too. She's the mother of your kids, four years on this. Is it something? Yeah. I feel like I'm her cash cow. You're her husband, man. That's what I feel like.

Yeah, but I feel like I'm just her cash cow. Because, I mean, she's going through all this schooling, costing a bunch of money, and, like, she didn't work all summer. And, you know, we've been doing the Dave Ramsey thing trying to pay off debt. She didn't want to get a job this whole summer, and she doesn't make any money while she's off. And, you know, so I've been supporting the family for three months now, and it's frustrating me pretty bad. And I can't even tell her about it because then she'll start crying because she'll shut down. It's like she'll just clam right up. Dude, I'm clamming right up now talking to you.

Why? Because, man, you're coming at me like I did something like your whole, your whole, you are so full of anger. I can hear it in you, man. And the way you just come, you're not interested in a discussion or a, Hey, what's next? It's a, I've got to get this out. And let me be honest. It's okay to do that. It's super okay, right? You're going to hurt my feelings. But I absolutely can see you being a lot. My question for you is this, this is not the ultimate issue. There's something beneath this or beneath that. And here's, let me throw a couple of ideas out there. Number one, you got, how old is your oldest kid? 15. 15.

15, and what's your youngest? Should be five next month. Okay. So you've got four kids. Things are chaotic. Bills are very, very tight. You found yourself in a mess. You're with a 15-year-old all the way down to a five-year-old.

I'm just guessing here. This is most couples. This doesn't have to be you. Your sex life's screwed up. Your time alone with your wife is screwed up. Your friends are screwed up. You're just running and running and running. And whenever we're running, running, running, we start looking for who's not doing their, right? And so it becomes this, woe is me, woe is me kind of thing. That could be one of them. It could be that you don't like who you've become. And I'm going to go, right? I don't know what the deal is, but there's something beneath the thing.

What is the thing beneath the thing? I'm not attracted to my wife anymore. I think she's lazy. I don't like her character. Like, what is the thing beneath the thing? Because this is, it's been going on for 10 years, brother. And so, it would have boiled up before

now, is what I'm saying. I guess maybe I don't like her character. I don't really like her work ethic. She almost seems like she just doesn't care about anything. Who takes care of these four kids? Well,

we, you know, she's at home with them right now just because she's, you know, it's summer vacation and, but they'll be in school. You know, I mean,

I'm home every night, you know, even though I'm a truck driver, but, you know, I'm there with her. But like, you know, she's just sitting around all day watching reality TV and crap.

And, uh, you know, have you ever stayed at home with four kids? Yeah. Yeah. I've done that. And there's just nothing going on. She just sitting around. Well, well, yeah. I mean, she's, you know, she's just sitting around, uh, yeah. I mean, she's just sitting around.

The kids are tearing the house apart, and it's not necessarily that I want her to clean up. The house has to be immaculate, and dinner has to be on the table when I get home. But it just doesn't seem like she's putting forth any effort. It's almost like she just doesn't care. I mean, like, we don't even think the same about money. You know, she sees, like, 500 bucks in our account, and I see no money. And, you know, we can't even be on the same page about that. Why? You know, it's like we're living two separate lives.

That's it right there. That's it right there. That's it right there. I mean, I don't know how I'm going to, I don't know how I can, because if I try to give her maybe some advice, I probably do come off as overbearing and arrogant. 100%. Yeah, and

you know, but like, she's telling me, well, why is your way the right way? That's a very fair question. It's a fair question. It's a fair question, but I don't think she's ever, she's always had a safety net. I don't think she's ever been desperate like I have. She's your wife.

What's the matter with you? What do you mean she's my wife? What does that have to do with it? I don't ever, ever, I am my wife's safety net. And she's mine. I don't ever want my wife to have to feel desperate. What are you talking about?

I'm just saying, in her younger years, she's never had to feel desperate like with money, you know? I'm her safety net. I go out, work 70 hours a week, and I take care safety net. I, I, I go out, work 70 hours a week and, you know, I mean, I, I take care of them. I don't want her to feel desperate now, but I'm just saying she never did.

And that's why I think that's why she feels that like money is not important or something, you know? I don't know. I am arrogant and I arrogant and I have a big ego I can admit that here's what it sounds like dude can I be honest with you sounds like you are real real freaking lonely sounds like you are real lonely

and I'm surrounded by people that's exactly right and you're drowning on a boat full of people. And it was a revelation to me when I learned that male depression often, male loneliness, male depression often comes out with volume, with anger, with you need to fix, fill in the blank. And anytime I'm sitting with somebody, like I am with you right now, who is this much disdain for his wife. And yes, you could say, I love her.

If somebody tried to come in the house, I'd fight them. Yes, you could do the William Wallace stuff, but you don't like her. You have disdain for her. And that's not like just my wife, but like you wouldn't marry this person again if you knew them. And that circles back in this world to you. And quite unfortunately, she's on the phone. So you have her call me one day and I talk to her about all of her soap opera watching and her bonbon eating, which I take issue with. That's a whole other call.

What do you need, man? I don't know. What do you need? You do. You do. What do you need? What's scaring you? I feel like I feel like she doesn't.

No, no, no. Quit talking about her. What scares you need? What's scaring you? I feel like she doesn't... No, no, no. Quit talking about her. What scares you? Okay. I guess being completely alone with no people around me or something. That scares me. Being divorced again. Hey, you are real, real close to that.

And you know that. Yeah. Have you started talking to somebody else? About divorce? No. No, no, no. Not about divorce. Are you talking to somebody else? Are you seeing somebody else? Are you seeing somebody else are you texting somebody else oh no no no no

I'm no cheater yeah this thing's dangerous dangerously close to getting off the rails and again you've been down this road you know that what scares you are you scared about money man are you scared about not having enough

are you scared about your kids are you scared about the state of the world what are you scared about money, man? Are you scared about not having enough? Are you scared about your kids? Are you scared about the state of the world? What are you scared about? I'm scared about never, ever making enough money. And, you know, I'm scared of... Okay, let's stop right there. What can you do about that? I don't know.

Make more money, I suppose. Have you ever... I don't know. Have you ever sat down with your wife and said, I'm scared? Yeah. And she just said, I don't care. And then move over. Real Housewives of Atlanta is coming on. Yeah.

She says, we're fine. Like, why are you scared? We're fine. Is she right? You know, not, well, I mean, maybe to a point, but you know, like, like I don't feel like we're fine. And I feel like once you get to the point where you're fine and you don't have this anxiety, then you, then you're, you're, you're going to end up like, you know, uh, losing, losing everything in the end. Why? Why do you think that, man?

I don't know. Maybe, I know I'm pretty pessimistic. I like to think of myself as a realist, but you know, I just feel like if I'm not anxious about, you know, getting the mortgage paid, then the mortgage won't get paid. Have you ever missed a payment? You know? No. Okay. So the data tells me you're a guy that pays his bills. Yeah.

And you're also telling me you're a guy who's on a plan to get out of debt. You are. Yeah. But I'll tell you as a guy that nearly burned my wife to the ground with my anxiety and my, oh yeah, but this could happen. And what about this? And what about this? And what about this?

And I had an emergency fund for our emergency fund. And I wouldn't take vacations for a decade so that I could pay this off, so I could pay that off. And eventually my wife said, I don't want this life. Yes, we may. Here, ultimately, brother, here was the line that was the bellwether line for me.

And it wasn't from my wife. It was from my buddy. And I came to find out that she had talked to him and said, I'm worried about John. And the line he gave me, because we were talking about money. He's a banker. He's a savant. And we were talking about this. And what about the dollar? And then what happens. And we were talking about this and what about the dollar and then what happens here and how much do I need saved? And then what about the investment here? And I'm going to put this in.

And finally, he said, dude, I don't have a meteorite plan. I said, what does that mean? And he said, I'm saving money. I'm trying to pay off my debts and all that. But dude, if the dollar implodes and we're trading gold and coffee, I'll deal with that when we get there because I'm gonna have to shoot my neighbor's dog for food. And what I would tell you is you have a plan. What you don't have is the skill set to be an engaged father. You do not have the skill set to be an engaged, loving, present husband. Those are tools and skills you don't have. And until you decide, I want to get those, your body feels like it's on

fire every time you're around them and it gets pushed off into proxy things like money. And if you guys got a million dollars today, within a month, it would be about something else, how clean the house is. And then you hire a maid. And then within a month, it would be about something else. Your body's going to continue to find something to blame, to heal the internal, to put a bandaid over that internal chaos, which is relationship. And until you are enough of a brave, courageous man, which I'm hoping this phone call is that, to say, I am scared of being alone. I'm scared of my 15-year-old son or daughter looking at me and saying,

I don't like being around that guy, or a five-year-old that would rather play a video game than be engaged with his old man. Then you say, I don't have enough, I don't have the skills, the tools. I don't know how to do this. And I'm going to go learn those skills and tools. And I'll tell you right now, you can turn all that around. That's where we are. Along the way, you will have to address your conversation with your wife, but that's not where you start,

brother. You start in the mirror. And you work too hard and you love too deeply to feel this alone. Is that fair? Yeah. Yeah. I just don't know where to start. I don't know how to do that. That's fair. I feel like I'm lying to myself, you know?

You are. You are. You are. And here's the other thing. It's a common thing with men, myself included here, right? Is I don't know how to do dad. I'm not good at it. And when I tried early on, my wife was like, what are you doing?

That's not how you do a diaper. No, you got to warm the bottle up to this, not to that. And you can't put that in the microwave. And I found myself early on, I was better at work than I was at home. So I just started spending time there because that's where I was good at what I did. And I felt like I could help there. And you've probably heard me talk about on the show. It was just this year that my wife looked at me with her hands on my face and said, John, we have enough. We need you. And then I thought, oh, crap, I don't know how to do that.

Yeah. See what I'm saying? Yeah. So it sounds like your wife has not checked out of, is not lazy. It sounds like she quit because you're probably a lot. I don't know. I'll give you that. And my guess is

she doesn't have a path to victory with you. Tell me I'm wrong. You can say, Deloney, you're full of crap. You're wrong. No, I think you're right. But if she got her degree right now

and she went and got a job, she may have awareness that you may not think I'm doing anything, but the laundry of four kids plus a driver has to get done. And the this has to get done and the that has to get done. All these things have to get done. The house will still move on. And I'm going to go make $40,000. And within a few months, my husband, Brian, is going to ask me, why aren't you making $50,000? I'm going to go make $40,000 and within a few months, my husband, Brian, is going to ask me, why aren't you making $50,000? And why aren't you making $60,000?

I'm just going to sit here. I'm out. And again, I may be way out to lunch on that, dude. I would like to think that her making $40,000 would be a big help. Would it? I don't know. It seems like, well, yeah.

I mean, I'm almost obsessed with paying off debt. And it's like she doesn't care. I feel like I'm dragging her to pay off debt. Yeah. And maybe I'm not. You might actually be, but what I'm going to tell you is you're going to not only not pay off your debt by doing that,

you're going to lose your marriage too. Yeah. And at some point, you'll have to come together because the whole point of doing something together like this, the reason that you pay off debt with somebody else is because it forces you to the table to say, who do we want to become? Who do we want to say, who do we want to become? Who do we want to be? Where do we want to go? And let's do the things that we need to do to get

there. And that often, not always, not honestly, even often, sometimes it results in people need to go get counseling because I know I want to lose a hundred pounds. And I know that it's diet and exercise. For some reason, I can't't stop and I need to go get some help. I need to talk to somebody. I need to do this. I need to do that. I'm the exact same way. I have a coach right now.

I got a counselor right now. I got people that help me do my stuff and I do this for a living. I know the answers, but I gotta have some more tools, right? Is your 15-year-old a boy or girl? She's a girl. Tell me about your relationship with her.

Well, I'm not 100% sure she likes me. Hold on. Say that in a more honest way. I think she hates me. Why? I think her mother turned her against me. She tried to commit suicide twice in my house. I admitted her twice to a mental institution to get treatment. And, you know, she actually wrote a letter to me attacking me and, you know, blaming me for all of her problems. And the therapist that she was seeing actually said that she attacked me because she felt safe with me or some crap like that. I didn't believe her, the therapist, and she actually had a one-on-one session with me because apparently I was really agitated.

But she's been through a lot, way more than what any kid should be. You know who else has been through a lot? You. Who? Oh. a lot way more than what any kid should be you know who else has been through a lot you who oh yeah brian your daughter tried to die twice and she blamed you for him and by the way your therapist was probably right how old was she? Oh, she was 12. Okay. And she tried it twice within six months. You know what we don't let 12-year-olds do? We don't let them drive.

We don't let them buy guns or beer because they're kids. No. And as much as what she said hurt you deeply, you did not fail that 12-year-old girl. In fact, you're her lifeline. And 12-year-olds say crazy things. I have that 12-year-old girl. In fact, you're her lifeline. And 12-year-olds say crazy things. I have a 12-year-old now. And they do crazy things

because they're 12. But you're not a crappy dad. You didn't fail your kid. You didn't break your kid. Well, I mean, I failed her when she was six, really. You know, her, one of her mom's boyfriends assaulted her for two years under her nose. And that was pretty bad. Did you know that? I didn't find out until my ex-wife called me and said, we're heading over to

the hospital because we got to do a rape kit on Kylie. And I'm like. Then you didn't fail your daughter. Did you show up? I was there, yeah. Then you were there with her in the fire, my brother. Listen, until you let Brian off the hook, everything's going to feel like it's on fire. Yeah.

I thought at the beginning of this call you don't like your wife, and that may be true. You don't like Brian. I think I hate myself. I don't think so. I know so. Yeah. And that's got to stop because you're a good dad. You're a dad filled with rage.

And if my little, I have a six-year-old little girl, and if I found out she'd been sexually assaulted, I would be filled with rage too to the point that I couldn't breathe and I couldn't see. Okay? Yeah. okay and if one of my if my 12 year old tried to hurt himself and blame me for it I would be sick and disgusted and I would call myself a failure your responses have been right but that doesn't mean they're true

yeah yeah I guess no I don't guess I don't guess I'm telling't guess. I'm telling you. Have I lied to you yet? No. No. No, I mean, I just feel like a pretty bad dad. Exactly.

And the way most men deal with I feel pretty bad is I got to blame somebody else because I don't have the tools to look in the mirror and say, whoa, what happened? So you think I'm throwing all that crap on my wife? I'm almost guaranteeing you are. Or you're creating a home that makes it hard to win in. I don't know how I can meet your needs to a way where you will be at peace because you have no peace. You have no capacity for peace. And so when I try to meet your needs, then it comes out somewhere else and somewhere else and somewhere else. And at some point I'm out. I'm out.

Cause I can't, I can't, I can't. It's like playing a baseball game in the, and there's no strike zone. They just keep calling strikes and you don't know where the, like, I'm not going to, I'm just quit batting. I don't know what we're doing here. Now, if your wife was on the phone with me,

I would be having a hard conversation with her but she's not and ultimately at the end of the day you cannot control her behavior you can't control what she does what she doesn't do the fact that she's failing exams she's feeling a test that she's taken 10 years to do something that was was really one to two years at most of a project. Right. You can't, you can't fix any of that stuff and yelling and screaming and being pissed off. I just sends people into fight or flight and there's not a lot of accomplishment that comes on the back end of that. What you need. I don't yell and scream at her I know dude but you're like I don't want to stress her out even more for the next test I know I know but dude you know what makes it even

me and you are more similar than you think and you know what my super power was I never ever ever yell when I'm pissed never but dude I can be really violent with my silence.

My silence can fill up a room. Yeah, I do the same thing. It's a nuclear reactor energy. And my kids know to back out. My wife knows to not engage. And then I can be righteous and have all the indignation

in the world be like, I didn't say anything. What? Oh, everybody hates dad because I'm so tired because I've been working my butt off, right? No, I knew exactly what I was doing. In fact, if I yell,

people can point at me and go, that guy's crazy. But if I'm a nuclear reactor, you know what they do? They go in the mirror and think they're crazy. Yeah. Sort of like manipulation almost kind of

so here's your path forward my brother path number one is you're going to have to write Brian the Brian that nine years ago found out that somebody sexually assaulted his daughter.

You're going to have to write that Brian a thank you letter and say thank you for showing up and doing the best you could. In the single most nightmarish situation I can imagine. It's pretty bad. It is. And you're going gonna have to write the Brian of three years ago four years ago another letter

that says you are such a good father that you are the only one that a spun out terrified terrified little 12 year old child could throw a dart at

because even she was wise enough to know terrified little 12-year-old child could throw a dart at. Because even she was wise enough to know that mom's too reactive. I can't, I can't, mom's not safe. And you need to write that guy a note that says, thank you for loving your daughter. Even though that hurt. Yes. And then you're going to have to go sit down with your wife and say, I'm sorry.

I've been scared for 10 years. I haven't liked myself for 10 years. I've been walking around with stories in my head for 10 years. I'm anxious. I'm alone. And I need you to hear me say, here's a couple of things I'm really scared about. I'm scared about ending up completely alone. I'm scared about not having enough money for these kids.

I'm scared that another one of my kids is gonna hate me and try to hurt themselves again. I need to put those things on the table. The word that nobody likes to say, especially tough guys, is vulnerable. You have to say, you can hurt me with what I'm about to tell you and I'm asking you not to.

And what I will tell you is this, Brian, you're gonna feel comfortable if you did all those three things. Even you're gonna take one step further, if you read those two letters that you wrote to nine years ago, Brian, and three or four years ago, Brian, you read those to your wife

and then you sat down with her and had this conversation. After all this, then you can sit down and you get to the point and say, I don't know what to do about your school. I'm harboring a lot of frustration and anger because I feel like you don't want to be finished.

And I feel like I've created a world where you can't win, right? Take ownership. You know Jocko, my buddy Jocko. Yes. Take ownership. Just take it. Even if it's not all your blame,

I'm going to take ownership of this. I'm going to need to do some healing and learn some new skills and I'm going to need us to dream together. And all of this is a completely uncharted water for you This is you walking out into the woods with a machete saying I gotta cart mount. I gotta cut my own path here Telling what i'm doing But I will tell you this

Being raged up and pissed off at your wife will solve nothing other than you not being married anymore. Being pissed off and angry and raged out will solve nothing other than your kids will learn he's not safe to be around. And what I would say is look back on the last 10 years and say, has this operating strategy worked in my home? The answer is no. So the true answer is, okay, I gotta do something different. I'm taking a knee. I'm saying I'm sorry. Hang on the line here. I'm gonna send you a copy of my new book.

I'm gonna send you two things. I'm gonna send you a copy of my book and I'm gonna send you the digital one so you can listen to it in the car while you're driving, okay? I'm gonna send you an audio book and the new book, Own Your Past, Change Your Future.

My guess is, Brian, if you and I talk long enough, we would go back to when you were a kid because some of these stories have been rattling around for a long time. And what I'll tell you is, you are too good of a man and you work too hard and you love too deeply

to have this little piece in your life, to be this lonely, to be this all by yourself, trying to hold this little piece in your life, to be this lonely, to be this all by yourself, trying to hold this thing together. And I'll give you the tools to start healing that, okay? I'm grateful for you, appreciate you. And I gave you hell to begin with this call. I'm not gonna apologize for it,

but I appreciate you being honest and going back and forth with me. But I love you and I want you to have peace in your life, peace in your home and peace in your family. You deserve that, your kids deserve that, your wife deserves that. And the grandkids you've never met, they deserve that too.

We'll be right back. It seems like everybody's talking about how crazy the housing market is right now and how powerless homebuyers feel. Mix that with the stress of moving and life change and job change, and you've got a tornado of anxiety fueling one of the biggest purchases you'll ever make. This is not a good idea. So if you're a new homebuyer right now, my advice to you is to focus on what you can control, like the people you choose to help you in the home buying process.

You need folks like my friends at Churchill Mortgage. Churchill is a Ramsey trusted provider that's been helping people with their home mortgages for decades. And their Home Buyer Edge program will help you skip a bunch of the stress. Here's how it works. Apply to become a Churchill certified home buyer

and cap your interest rate for 90 days. Then you'll get a $5,000 seller guarantee to help your offer stand out. So go ahead, take a deep breath because Churchill has your back. Check them out at churchillmortgage.com slash Deloney and get the home buyer edge today. All right, we're back. Let's go to Becca in Seattle, home of Pearl Jam and Allison Chains. What's up, Becca? Hi, how are you? Partying. What about you? I'm good. Thanks for talking to me again. Of course. Yes. Hey, this is the second time. The last caller called about a year ago or however many months ago and we got another repeat call this fantastic so what's up um so the last time we talked we were i was just before deployment number one with my daughter and now we are knee deep in deployment number two oh no it's okay we uh we

learned a lot from the first one and it's completely different and nothing that happened in the first one applies to the second one so it's like having and nothing that happened in the first one applies to the second one. It's like having kids, man. It's like, oh, I got this figured out. Like, nope. Right. Um, so she, my daughter's three, um, and she is a nut. Um, she's absolutely great.

Uh, she holds on so tight, um, to everything and everyone um especially me and so i feel like i'm kind of sorry i'll get to my question um so how do i no no no no no no no no that was important what were you gonna say you feel like what i feel like um i'm kind of at the end of my rope, sort of. I'm so tired. I'm so tired. And this actually has to do with that. And so how do I create boundaries with my three-year-old without weaponizing our relationship or making my presence a punishment for her, specifically at bedtime? Oh, that's so good you are using my words against me

and I love it I love it in the car you know I listen to your stuff and I love it and so I heard that and that like it keeps rattling around in my brain because I'm trying to transition her into doing bigger girl, obviously not big girl things but like

bigger kid things and being a little bit more independent. And our days are great. Like I work full time. And so she goes to a daycare where she loves it. She's so happy. Her teachers are amazing. They, they know every transition. We have great communication with them. We come home, we go to the park, we have dinner, we read books, we do bath time. And then bedtime comes. And she just looks at me with those big brown eyes that I gave her. And she's like, don't leave me. Yes. And I'm like, dude, I don't know if I lost whatever mom Gina was supposed to have because I can't do like co-sleeping. I will be awake all night. It scares me. Her room is her safe place.

And so for her to be in my room, I'm like, she's going to fall off the bed and she's going to crawl off the bed and climb on a dresser. Like I don't sleep when she's in my room. And so we've been doing this and she's three and I've been the only person getting up to get her. And so I can't remember the last time I slept through the night, which is not a big, I feel like this is a very common parent thing. But I, because I've been doing that now, I feel like I, I'm not a super emotional person. And I just break down crying because I'm so tired. Yes. Because I'm so tired. So tired, yes. And then I, my default reaction is kind of anger. And I've worked really hard in my life to not do that and to go towards other things and to like take a second and not do that. And now I feel like I don't even realize how angry I am until my brain comes around to realizing how mad I am.

And I'm like, I'm not, I'm, I feel like I'm behind. Yeah. Oh man. I would, if your husband wouldn't kill me, I would hug you if you were sitting right here. Um, I have a, I know he does. I know he does. I have a couple of, let me write these down because I'm afraid we're going to, okay. Man, number one, let's pretend there was no deployment. Three o'clock, I mean, three-year-old and bedtimes is the worst, okay? So you've got 20 things happening all at the same time. Hear me say this. I have a smile on my face.

You're doing a great job. Okay? And you didn't just hear the last call where we're yelling at each other. You are doing a great job. Okay? And the chaos you feel and the this is never going to end,

all that is I mean I couldn't tell you how normal it is okay it doesn't help but it doesn't make it like oh cool we're all struggling with expensive beef that doesn't make us less hungry but it makes us feel less crazy okay

the two words I heard you say I mean I heard you say one word a lot and then another word just kept coming to me Okay And that sounded all woo woo Like I have a word spoken Not like that And

Feel free to push back on anything Okay Okay You said I feel I feel I feel I feel I feel a lot

Okay Yeah Here's a crazy thing that happens When it comes to feeling a lot okay yeah here's a crazy thing that happens when it comes to feeling a lot is your kid can quickly become our emotional regulation blanket i feel better i'll just use me i feel better when i'm hugging my six-year-old daughter when i'm watching some knuckle-headed little movie, whatever kid nonsense

they want to watch about dinosaurs and dragons. I don't know what the crap we're watching. My heart rate will slow down and I've tracked it on a wrist strap when she snuggles up next to me for about 20 or 30 minutes. And

intuitively, she feels that. Yeah. And so the more exhausted and spun out you get, this is a crazy thing. The more she can feel like I have to be near her to help. I've noticed that she's last month, she started getting really angry and I was like this is it's and I know why like I and I've listened I know she's a sponge and she picks up everything and so and especially because it's just her and I and so I'm the person that she's getting all this from and so that's why now I'm like well she's she's she's slowly developing her own too right it's it's this weird mix here's the other word that keeps coming to mind to me. Tell me I'm wrong. You sound really, really tired. You sound really exhausted. You sound really burned out.

Can I tell you what you really sound? Sure. You sound completely and totally alone. You sound really lonely. Yeah. Is that true? Yeah. I imagine you're working all day and she's at daycare and you want to make sure that I've got to do both parent roles. So I've got to spend extra time at the park, at dinner, having fun, reading books, singing songs, doing bath. I've got to make sure all that time is accounted for. Otherwise, my daughter will fall off because husband's gone.

And this is what moms do. And we got to do this. We got to do this. Your daughter would benefit tremendously. If one night a week, you got a babysitter that she loved or sent her to a friend's house, a parent, another parent, and you went and hung out with some girlfriends and just hung out. She would benefit so much. But she's already gone all day. It doesn't matter. I already, I know, but, but you're coming, you're coming home with a hole in your heart. And part of that hole is your husband fair, but you're coming in with a hole in your heart, which is connected connectivity to a tribe. Your body recognizes you are all alone. It's a very normal response.

And yet you feel this guilt and obligation to do every minute of every day with her that she's not a daycare because I'm such a terrible mom that I send her to daycare, right? So all this guilt factory. I'll push up. I will push against on that because like I love having, she has a place to go. She has friends. She is not upset when she goes. So I'll push against that. I don't feel guilt for sending her to daycare. Okay. Good. Like in that specific scenario. Good. But I do feel guilt if she comes home and she sees me and she's so excited to be with me. And then I like push her off on someone else. I don't want her to feel like I don't want her around. Gotcha.

Because she's, I like her. She's great. She's three. She's little. Like she's, I'm not gonna, I'm not that person

that says my three-year-old is my best friend. She's great, but she's not my best friend. Good. She needs to see you have a best friend. Oh, yeah.

And we need to model that we need to, here's what we need to do for her. We need to let her off the hook that it's her job to hold center of this home. Because she's just three. She's not strong enough to hold that center. So once a week, we're going to let her know, no, mom goes to, mom's going out with her friends.

You've been playing with your friends all day. Now mommy's going to go play with her friends. And she may be like, no, mommy, no, for the first few times. And then it's going to become the way it is. Mommy goes and plays with her friends. And then what we're going to teach that three-year-old is, man, having a community was so important that once a week, mom left her kid to go to be with community because the only way she could fully parent was to be fully tailored to a gang. That's the only way it works.

Is that fair? Yeah. And that's really, really hard. Yeah. Because that means mom's going to have to go be awkward and be weird and show up and be the new girl and the new... I hate it. I know, it's the worst.

And so we let our kids be our excuse and we let Netflix be the new girl and the new... I hate it. I know, it's the worst. And so, we let our kids be our excuse and we let Netflix be our excuse and we let our workout program be our excuse. Dude, I'm the king of excuses. The king. I like to read. I have too many books, I like to read. Yep. For real. Did you know I made a rule for myself?

Here's how the rule I made. I go to all these great cities all over the country doing events and things. And you know what I do? I sit in the hotel and read books like a loser, like a complete nerd. And so this summer I made a rule. When I go to a new city, I got to go walk around. And so the rule I made is I have to get a new tattoo in every city. That makes me go to a place that I'm going to be uncomfortable with people I don't know and I have to spend a lot of time just talking to people in awkward situations. And the last town

I was in, we were in San Jose, I got a tattoo. I was with Kelly and Joanna and we were doing some media there and I had the way I was all splayed out, it looked like I was getting a proctology exam. It was not comfortable and I was just getting a tattoo on my arm but it was not. Anyway, you know what? I hung out with actology exam. It was not comfortable. And I was just getting a tattoo on my arm, but it was not.

Anyway, you know what? I hung out with a bunch of dudes. It was this rad, awesome gangster dude getting a tattoo on his neck. And we were talking. It was all, I got to meet all these people. I had to just put myself in that situation. And then when I did, it was fun, right? It was fun.

And then I had to explain to my daughter, like, dad, why do you keep drawing on yourself? Right? All that's funny. But I have to go out and do those things. I know the science. I know the reality of it. And I got to make myself do it. And that's where you are. Okay. Now, when it comes to the sleeping thing, this is World War II. No, this is World War VII, VIII, IX, and X. The

co-sleeping, not co-sleeping. Should we? Should we not? You even said, I guess I lost my mom, Gene. No, you're not failing as a mom if you want a full night's sleep, okay? You're not. You don't hate your kids because you need sleep. That's like saying, I can't take a full breath because I want my kid to have more oxygen in the room. It's not how it works, okay? It's not how it works. And some parents, some kids just do better when they are co-sleeping. There was some seasons we did that. There were some seasons that we forced our kids into their room. They couldn't, like, you will be in your room. Then there were some seasons we set up a pallet on the floor because I'm like you.

If somebody's in my bed, it's a weird thing. But I just set up some, like like made a blanket bed on the floor. And in the middle of the night, you can come in. If you wake me up, you are choosing to never come into my room again. I'm going to lock my door. But if you come in here and you get into your special bed, you can do that. But don't wake me up. If you choose to wake me up, then you're choosing to not come in here anymore.

Yeah. See what I'm saying? Or tonight is sleep night for mommy. And so you're going to stay in here tonight. You're sleeping in here. The more your child doesn't feel like they are keeping you together, the more they can begin to practice sleeping. Yeah. That makes sense. Yeah. Um, can I tell you this go ahead no go ahead go ahead go ahead um i we've i've we've had to do a lot of transitions with her and so even just like finally we're at the place where i can hang out in her room for a couple minutes we have a set amount of time she's got this little thing that plays audiobooks and so i stay for one chapter

and then mommy goes and has stuff to do and so so she's okay. She doesn't cry. She's like, okay. Like once those chapters over, she's like, bye mom, go do your stuff. And I'm like, all right, cool. And so I get out and do my stuff. And then at like midnight, one o'clock she's awake and her eyes are open. And she's like, mommy, why did you leave me? And I'm like, all right. Um, and so we got to that. Okay. I'm going to tell you something I just told the caller before. We don't let three-year-olds buy beer. We don't let three-year-olds smoke. So three-year-olds are going to wake up and say stupid three-year-old things.

You didn't abandon your daughter. You didn't leave her. She just asked you a dumb question. It just bangs right on that mommy cord. Right. I know. And then I'm like, well, is it dumb? Because her dad is in here. And then, and then like she, John, you don't understand. Like she,

when, when people visit, like my sister came to visit this summer and she was here for a couple of days. And then for a week, my daughter was asking why auntie left her. And so it's not, it's like, it's not just me, and it's not my husband. It's everyone. Like, anyone who comes into her life, she holds on so tight. Hey, hold on. She's three.

I know, and I don't want her to feel that. Here's what she's feeling. She's just learning how relationships work. And some relationships are here all the time. And some people come and then they go. And then some jobs you have, there's extended periods of time

where we're gone. And there's going to be extended periods of time where they're home. And so, when she asks hard questions, you have to remember she's three and the only relationship picture she has is to her teacher, to a couple of knuckle-headed three-year-old friends, and to her mom and to her dad, right?

and so she has a picture of a relationship with mom where mom always stays Aunt Susan looks just like mom cool, Aunt Susan's gonna stay forever whoa, Aunt Susan left after a week why did she leave? why did she leave? it's not her pointing out.

It's not like I ask Kelly every day, why are you drinking again? Why are you drinking? She doesn't. She just covered her face. She doesn't drink at all. It's not like I'm like, hey, why didn't you do this?

Why didn't you? That is like, I as an adult am asking that question because there's like a performance issue or like a three-year-old's just trying to figure out the boundaries of the world. It's up to you as an adult to choose to not internalize that as some sort of performance metric that says you're failing because you're not. You're doing so good. So good. And when she says, the more matter of fact you can answer those questions,

the better. Because she will be like a sponge for your responses. Okay? So when she says, Mommy, why did you leave? You say, because Mommy needs to sleep.

And then I'm on to my next thing. And if you need to go in your room and shut the door and then cry and be like, I'm the worst mom. Go do that. But do it, take that from her

so that when she asks these questions, she's just trying to figure out the boundaries. Why did Aunt Kim leave? Why did Aunt Susan leave? Why did Aunt whoever leave? Because she's got her own home and she has to go home and sleep in her bed. And, but she slept in our bed. Yeah, this is our guest room. And she slept in our guest room, but her home is there. And that's where her friends are and her family is. And that's where her food is in her fridge. And so she had to go home. That's where her puppy is. And that's where she's got to go home. And you can say, you know, it'd be a gift. I really miss her when she goes, just like I miss daddy. It's sad when people we

love leave, huh? Yeah, it is. And now we're onto the next thing. You want to go watch a show? You want to go play? You want to go to the park, right? So now we're into the next thing. And I know she's, I know it's, it feels so nuclear and she's three. And let me say it again, Becky, you are doing such a good job. Such a good job. Such a good job. Such a good job. Don't equate every one of her questions and every one of her concerns and every one of her behavioral issues with, I have to make up because dad's gone. They're not all related. Some may be amplified, some may be exacerbated, but they're not all related. All three-year-olds ask, we used to have to tell my son, he used to say, everyone gets someone to sleep with but me. He was actually

right. And it kind of broke my heart because he's like, I sleep all by myself. There's nobody in here. And I was like, ah, this is the worst. He's three. And both of us stayed there, okay? You are doing a great, great, great, great job. Great job. And, dude, thank you for listening to the show. I'm so glad that you're with us. Call back soon.

And, hey, I want to talk to this husband of yours when he gets back. I'd love you all to both call, and I'd love to hear how you all are going to redo reentry after a second deployment. Thank you for your service. Thank Kim for that. And thank that little three-year-old girl for her service too. I love her. We'll be right back. All right. Hey, what's up? We're back. Hey, I took too long on that first call today. So we had a third caller and we're going to roll that call to the next show. But real quick, somebody sent me this note. So I want to make sure I get to,

it's just an important question. The question's from Ashley and she writes, on June 27th, Dr. John said, rest can feel stressful if busyness is how you medicate. And I think I may have posted that on social media or reposted that from somebody else, maybe from my buddy Ian Simpkins. But she writes, how do we do that? Nothing I've tried helps me feel relaxed. Not a beach trip, not a massage. Exercise helps my anxiety, but it doesn't help me feel relaxed. Please elaborate.

Here's what I've found. And I've talked about this recently on the show. If your identity is in how busy you are, or if busyness doing, doing, doing, doing, doing, I've got another thing. I got to look at my list. I got to make sure this gets done. If this doesn't get done, oh, I got it all done.

I've done my things and I got to go do these things. Once I get my list done, then I can go work on the garden. And once I get the garden finished, then I can, if that's your life, then rest, then getting a massage, going to a beach and doing nothing will feel like utter hell. Your body, it'd be like I drink in the evening. That's going to look great when somebody clips that. If you're somebody who drinks after work to feel better, or just to take the edge off, if you let you eat a drink as a hard day, and you do that every day for a week, and then for a month, and then you have a hard day and you don't drink, your body will feel terrible. It will feel terrible. And so we often think, I'm just going to go get a massage. I'm just going to go to the beach and lay on the beach for a week. If busyness is how you deal with the pain in your life, if busyness is an identity, if being busy and running and gunning and go, go, go, go, I'm a CEO or I'm a small business owner and then I run a marathon on the weekend and then I've got my kids and six different things. If that's you, then simply doing nothing will feel like torture.

So I think I mentioned this. I tried that. And by the way, this is me. This is me. Busyness is my medication. I don't do drugs. I don't hardly drink at all. I'm busy.

And busy is my heroin. It's my numbing device. I just take on too many things. I say yes to everything. All right. So that's my problem that I got to work through. So what I used to do is I would be so busy until I was about to collapse. And then we'd go, my wife and I would go away for two or three days because I was such a cheapskate. And I couldn't ROI a vacation. And so let's just go. And then I think I mentioned on the show, I would have a big crazy dinner because we're finally on vacation. And I'd have a couple of drinks because we're finally on vacation. And then let's do something in the morning.

And I'd be like, no, I'm finally sleeping in. And then suddenly it's 1130 or 12 the next morning, just watching episodes of The Office reruns on some hotel TV. And then I go eat again because the only thing to pick up my blood sugar is another meal. And then just within a couple of days, I'm exhausted. I'm more exhausted. I'm kind of grumpy to be around and my body starts itching. I'll start checking my work email. I'll start trying to do a project. I just start itching. I got to checking my work email. I'll start trying to do a project. I just start itching. I got to do what I got to do. This last time, my wife and I took a long vacation. And on that vacation, I think I mentioned this on the show, we were highly

intentional about a couple of things. We exercised like crazy. I took full advantage. I saved my money for weeks, for months. And I visited the spa several times. I got several massages and I put the money in to make sure I don't just, we just got money falling from the sky. We're going to make sure that I've got time for this because touch is important. Working it all out is important. And we got out in nature a lot. And then we booked some, we're gonna go do these things together. And being with other people, number one, she's my best friend on the planet. She's awesome.

Doing things together with hers is enjoyable for me. So that was number one. I had somebody else with me. We had some very clear things that we were not gonna cancel. And I was moving my body. I, after day three, entered a state of rest that I have not experienced ever in my, that I have any sort of recollection. The last couple of days of this week getaway, I had more important thinking.

I had more peaceful thoughts. I had more, hey, I really need to work on this. Just more clarity. And so those three things, if busyness is how you medicate, then when you get away, make sure you do it with somebody else or other people that you have community with. Make sure you are exercising. Do too much. So don't overdo it and injure yourself. But make sure you're going to go to the gym in the morning and sign up for a yoga class. We paid $10 and we went to just some rando yoga class in the evening. I did not want to go.

I did not want to do that. It was worth going. And then we went on another long hike the next day. And then I went back to the gym later that evening. I just kept, I kind of pushed it, pushed it pretty hard. And then we had some appointments that we didn't miss. And then we had one crazy get off the rails meal. It was awesome. It was ridiculous. And, uh, but we ended up eating a lot more sensibly throughout the week and it just made us all feel better. And we felt better. We were in better moods. When we were in better moods, we were able to rest, right? So that's what I would tell you.

If you struggle with busyness as a drug, you got to deal with the core issues. What are you running from? What are you running from? What are you running from? So it's a great, great question, Ashley, and I hope my answer helps. I love these questions and you write them in

and I'll start doing a better job of answering these email questions. We get some great ones in. But hopefully I answered your question there. We'll be right back. Hey, what's up? Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious or burned out or chronically stressed at some point. In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life,

you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life. Get your copy today at johndeloney.com. All right, as we are back, the song of the day is a song I've never heard

by a band I've never heard of. Are you a fan of this band? It is a she. It's not a band. Okay. It's called Nightbird. It's not like it's like Susan. Nightbirdie.

Nightbirdie. That's what she goes by. She was on America's Got Talent and she recently passed away from cancer. Okay, okay. So I wasn't familiar, but Sarah is and she recently passed away from cancer. So I wasn't familiar, but Sarah is, and she's got a great, there's a great story

that goes with it, and it's a beautiful song. Night Birdie, excellent. Song is by Night Birdie. I'm gonna make sure I listen to this. This is gonna be the next song I listen to. It's a great song, Sarah. Excellent. Song's called It's Okay. And it goes like this.

I moved to California in the summertime. I changed my name thinking that it would change my mind. I thought that all my problems would stay behind. I was a stick of dynamite and it was just a matter of time. Ah, dang oh my, now I can't hide. Said I knew myself, but I guess I lied. I have heard this song. This is tremendous. It's okay. If you're a little lost,

we're all a little lost and it's all right. And if you're lost, we're all a little lost and it's all right. It's okay. It's all right. And I wrote a hundred pages, but I burned them all. I drove through yellow lights

and I didn't look back at all. I don't look back at all. I don't look back at all. And you can call me reckless. I'm a cannonball. I don't know why I take the tightrope and cry when I fall. Ah, dang, oh my. Now I can't hide.

Said I knew what I wanted, but I guess I lied. It's okay. If you're lost, we're all a little lost and it's all right. And this is what we do on this show, man. We sit with folks who are lost and we'll see you soon.