The Dr. John Delony Show - I Feel Like We Should Fight More in Front of Our Kids

Episode Date: February 14, 2025

On today’s episode, we hear about: ·      A mom wanting to show her kids healthy conflict in marriage ·      A boyfriend seeking advice on how to address an uncomfortable situation ·��     A young woman wondering how to protect her teen sister without breaking trust Next Steps: 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test  📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future  ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards  💭 John's Free Guided Meditation  🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch   Connect With Our Sponsors:  🌱 Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. 🔴 Get 15% off with code DELONY at BON CHARGE. 🌿 Get up to 40% off with code DELONY at Cozy Earth.  🔒 Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe. 😇 Go to Hallow for a 90-day free trial. 💤 Visit Helix Sleep for special offers! 🥤 Get 20% off with code DELONY at Organifi.  💪 Get 25% off your order at Thorne.   🏋️ Go to Trainwell to get started!   Listen to More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights   🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💡 The Rachel Cruze Show 💰 George Kamel 🪑 Front Row Seat with Ken Coleman 📈 EntreLeadership   Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy https://www.ramseysolutions.com/company/policies/privacy-policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

They're oldest will be 16 in February, but she came home from a friend's house the other day and brought up something. She said, Hey, mom and dad, like, I feel like you haven't prepared us for the real world. So like alarm start going off. You're so awesome. You're so awesome. I'd high five you if you were sitting right here. What up?

What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Delaney Show, talking to you about your marriage, your relationships, your mental and emotional, whatever you got going on in your life, your kids, your schools. I don't know what's going on in your world. I know mine is B-A-N-A-S. Kelly, how is your world. I know mine is BA in a NAS Kelly, how is your world these days? Fine that I don't know how to answer that question. You've never asked me that

That's not true. Oh pretty much a hundred percent true. I Always ask you how things are going Yeah, but not on the show like like starting a show like that. It's usually not like that. It's fine. Is your life going like Kelly's is? This show is for you. It was so bad and chaotic. You can't even talk about it.

If you want to be on the show, give me a buzz. 1-844-693-3291. Show's for real people going through real challenges like Kelly like Kelly I Won't talk about your personal challenges on the show, but God help you are my personal challenge. That is true That is very true If you want to be on the show or you go to John Delaney comm slash ask I would love to have you we get calls from all over planet Earth and we love for you to reach out and Leave a message or fill out the form and we'll see if we can get back to you and get you on the show

Alright, let's go out to Dayton, Ohio and talk to Joey. What's up Joey? Hey Dr. Tan, how are you? Awesome, how are you? I'm doing well. I'm covered in snow up here but other than that we're great. We don't know what that is down here in Nashville. Actually we have a little bit of snow down here. I'm so nervous. I used to live in Knoxville. I miss it. Exactly. And can I just give you a quick shout out? Joey was the name of my childhood crush on Dawson's Creek and I named my daughter Josephine with the intention of her being named Joey, but it hasn't worked out. No way. Yeah, it was a pretty great show.

It was the best. Okay, so what's up, Joey? How can I help? Hey, so yeah, so my husband and I have been married. It'll be 18 years in August. Going really well. We're really happy. We have four kids, but it's brought up a couple of funny things. Our oldest will be 16 in February, so heaven help us. But she came home from a friend's house the other day and brought up something. She said, hey, mom and dad, I feel like you haven't prepared us for the real world. So alarms start going off. And we asked her to elaborate on it. And she said, well, you guys are kind of like Disney parents because you don't cuss and you don't argue and you're constantly saying

things like we love you and we support you and we're really uplifting. I know. So I totally didn't see this coming because she said when she went to her friend's house, the parents were bickering and cussing and we're really coming down on her buddies. Um, and she's never seen that before. So she said that, you know, when it comes time for her to get married and have relationships,

we haven't demonstrated constructive conflict resolution. Like those are my words, obviously not my 16 year old's words, but she's like, you guys never fight. Like, I don't know what that's gonna look like when I get married. So then my husband and I have kind of been reeling with it. We don't know how to do that productively and not, you know, have the earth move from

under our kids feet because they've never seen that before. But I also feel like we haven't prepared them well enough to go to battle on their own for when they're an adult. So the, you're so awesome. You're so awesome. I'd high five you if you're sitting right here So here's here's meta number one, okay Your 16 year old doesn't get a vote

Okay, the fact that your child can get through high school without their parents ever screaming and cursing at them is a huge win We thought so Here's, no, no, no. Here's what she's communicating to you. She found herself in an external situation that scared her and she did not... Think of it like this. It's like, let's say she was a 16 year old boy on a football field and

Just turn the corner wrong and some linebacker knocked his head off Mm-hmm. He came home and said hey you guys never hit me that hard. I was totally unprepared to get hit that hard Right that would make no sense and so psychologically, it's very similar. What you've given your kids is when the world hits them in the mouth, which it will, they have two things that very few of their peers will have. Number one, a sturdy, to quote Dr. Becky Kennedy, a sturdy set of parents that they can be anchored into so that when the world shoves them off a cliff, they don't fall to their death. Dr. Becky Kennedy a sturdy set of parents that they can be anchored into

So that when the world shoves them off a cliff, they don't fall to their death They they may bang up against the side of the cliff, but they're still anchored in the second thing they have that is becoming an increasing luxury in this world one of the highest privileges known to man and That is an escape hatch. I can always go home. I'm welcome there And very in here's the thing it's really cool to look at like the I'm making these names up I don't know about their childhood but the Elon Musk's and the Bill Gates and like these like like Steve Jobs like they had tough times growing up and They they made it. That's true. That's fair.

But what that doesn't take into account, the millions and millions and millions and millions and millions of people who grew up with really tough times that are in nightmarish situations with addiction or struggling with where to find homes or joblessness. Okay. like situations with addiction or struggling with where to find homes or joblessness. I don't have to crop that up. Our kids haven't faced adversity because we've been there for them. But what I tell the kids all the time, what I tell our oldest daughter, because she's really great about breaking down and analyzing situations, I'm like, listen, I can't control the world.

I can control home. That's right. And if something happens out there, you can come back here because you know you have firm footing, but I can't protect you forever. That's right. And and if something happens out there you can come back here because you know you have firm footing But I can't protect you forever. That's right And so where you have to be careful is not to try to take home everywhere just like the school So you're gonna allow to hear mean things and you're not a lot like It's good that she sees that's how other people interact because then she's gonna get to decide I'm not gonna marry somebody like that that curses at me

So when I have friends that tell me that they have gotten divorced or friends parents that say oh you know we made it look so easy I think that's one of my biggest fears because my husband and I did overcome a lot but it was way before the kids showed up. Sure, absolutely. They don't see that banter. Well and I think those conversations when your kid reaches 14, 15, and 16, that's important. That's not a bad thing. I took a 12-hour road trip one way, a 12-hour road trip back with just my son over the holidays. It was amazing.

But he's in high school now. I told him some stories about me. He didn't know. And it was this, it was, that trip started with us kind of at odds or after a long semester of him just starting high school. My wife says it's like an old bull and like a young like, she goes, man, this first semester was so annoying. You two just like bumping into each other all the time.

But it started with like, my dad's kind of stupid. It ended man, like pretty rad. Same team, same team. Because it's like, hey you're old enough to hear some of these stories. Here's why I do this because of this. Like oh my goodness that I didn't know. I'm like yeah there's a lot you don't know right? But every 14, 15, 16 year old they think they know everything and that's cool. Where I do think there could be some powerful moments is in two shape-shifting things. Number one, we're going gonna show you behind the curtain

some you're 16 now. Every week or every month you're gonna do the budget with us. You're gonna see how much we make. And you're gonna get to see how we allocate it and how expensive things are. And so we're not just gonna throw you to the wolves so they have to scratch and claw figured out for yourself because we know 18 year olds do a terrible job of figuring things out on their own. Sometimes they do, but most of the time they don't. What we are gonna show you is it sucks out there. And here's how we do it.

And we're gonna let you figure out how to get your oil changed. And we're gonna let you figure out this and we're not gonna drive you anymore. You gotta go get your license. If she's one of those kids that doesn't like their license and you're going to start paying for stuff. So it's, we're going to increase the weight on the bar.

She's 16, 17, 18. That's important. But it's important when you're in the weight room in high school that they don't let you work out in there without coaches in there. Yeah. Right. So relationally, how do you think that would, I mean, I guess as she starts dating, we haven't crossed that yet, but as they start getting older with relationships

working through that also that way, like- Well, no, this is part two. This is where you have an outsized responsibility. I want you, if at all possible, every week, every other week, I want you to begin to take the 16 year old daughter of yours to breakfast before school, if at all possible. Tell your husband you got morning duty here, if at all possible. It may not be possible and maybe I'll go to dinner, but here's what we're doing. We're setting up a context for when the conversation comes. Can I, can I be super crass? Is that okay? No, please. We're setting up a context for when the conversation comes. Can I be super crass? Is that okay?

No, please. I want her the first time some guy tries to undo her bra to come to you. Yeah. I want her to have that conversation. We've established, I mean, we have the listeners together and open dialogue. And honestly, we're doing the questions for humans

and she loves that. Awesome, awesome. But I don't want her with your husband, I want her with you. Yeah. Because there's gonna come a moment when you can say, hey this happened to me that one time. And her eyes will get real big and go what? Or me and your dad struggled like this. What? Yes. And if you wait for a big announcement, a big moment, a big thing, then it becomes a spectacle that kids can distance themselves from. If it comes from every Tuesday, we go to breakfast,

every Tuesday we go to breakfast, mom, every Tuesday we go to breakfast, hey mom, this boy tried to kiss me yesterday and I didn't like it. Now you've built this relational equity that these little questions sneak out and they test you and they test you and they're not doing it intentionally but they're like, she's safe, she's safe, she's safe. I know we're safe at the dinner table, I know we're safe with dad, but there's other layers

to this. Is this okay? And then you can say, no, no, no, no. One time in high school, I tried to do this and here's what happened. Or one time in college, this happened. Right, it's just giving them the tools to be safe and- Yes, but- Productive, humans-

Yeah, but they're not tools. They're relational connectivity. And I think that's where parents struggle. Kids, they need information and they need models and they need systems But they need relationships way way more So I can tell my son hey don't do X don't do Y It is infinitely more powerful when I say hey dude one time I did this and here's what happened And it cost me ten years of my life. Don't do this

Or when I say no, here's why Or here's my rules and expectations and you're gonna break my rules and expectations and you can always come home But I think most parents wait until something bad has happened or to some value is challenged or until a kid leaves the house or that has happened or to some value is challenged or until a kid leaves the house or they wait until there's some big grand announcement. And one of my things I teach parents is often as possible, take all the steam out of those things. That was the question for human things. Make conversations and interactions and connection a part of your life.

So yeah. And that sounds so basic, but it makes so much sense. and connection a part of your life. So yeah. And that sounds so basic, but it makes so much sense. We've over sophisticated ourselves. I think we got a bunch of academics, myself included in a room and we came up with all these theories and models but the 16 year old's life just keeps going. Their life just keeps going and keeps going

and keeps going and we'll come up with a teaching strategy and a plan, they don't wanna know that. They wanna, their eyes to get huge and be like, some guy tried to kiss you mom and you didn't like that. Like, yeah, it was a bad deal. Here's what happened. Or even age appropriate. Yeah, some really scary things happened to me

when I was in college. And I'll tell you more about when you're older, but I need you to trust me on this one. You're not going to go out with that boy again. Or I know that boy looks funny. It shocks my daughter that her mom dated a guy and married a guy that had five earrings and real long hair, except for the seasons when I shaved my head. She's like, what?

My mom? Right? And so it's good for her to know those things. And it's good for her to know that things and it's good for her to know that I was not a great human being at one time and like it's good for them to see how we work things out But man this idea that you have to hit your kids to toughen them up because the world's gonna hit them that just causes CTE that's dumb That's terrible. Yeah, it doesn't make sense

And you know, I like my husband they're joking and like, you know, you don't want to throw a fake argument. You know what I mean? We don't want to do that in front of our we don't do that naturally. So that it sounds so strange. Like, how do we would we show, you know, you what you do is you show because what is an argument? An argument is it's any number of things. It can be old emotional things. But basically, it's any number of things. It can be old emotional things, but basically it's a strategy to solve a problem. And that problem might be, I wanna be heard. The problem might be, I'm mad. I just want you to be mad too. That problem might be, I don't wanna eat here. I wanna eat here.

Who knows what the argument's about? Sure. But it's a strategy to solve a problem. And in your house, y'all solve problems every week by doing a budget together. In y'all's house, you put sex on the calendar. 16, maybe too young, but maybe not. To be like, see that asterisk on the calendar? That's for us. And she'll go, oh my gosh!

Right? Yeah. But that's not a bad thing. And it might be, it wasn't always like that. Or this is date night and this is when things get grody-comedy, so y'all are gonna wanna go to bed. Oh, mom. And she'll go to bed and she will be,

and also her soul will be at peace. Yeah. Right? And so it's bringing them behind the curtain to see the planning of those things. Cause that's how this family, that's how we are modeling how we solve problems. You don't have to go to war every time.

Right. It doesn't look like war. It just looks like family dynamics, but she's learning what healthy looks like. That's right. That's right. Every day. And so I think here's what I would love for you to do. Take your daughter out for breakfast and be like, Hey, tell here's what I would love to do. Take your daughter out for breakfast and be like, hey, tell me about what scared you in that house. Like what scared

you? And then she can tell you some things and maybe a story will pop into your head about you and your husband when y'all first got married or when y'all were dating. Or when he cheated on you with an old girlfriend when you know, first dating and you've never told anybody that. That's another show, John. There's always... No, I'm totally kidding. We've come a very long way.

We're very happy. I know, I know, I know, but there's always, but there's always things, right? But they, they... But I think when a kid, what your 16 year old is telling you is, mommy, I was really scared. Yeah. And I think you and your husband need to high five each other because they got really, she got really scared and they came to you.

And it came in the form of a complaint. It came in the form of a, a 16 year old often doesn't have the, the verbal acumen to say, I went to a house that they were fighting. I'm so grateful that you two have chosen to handle your situations in adult, they don't know how to do that. They just come home and they have to blame mom and dad. Y'all didn't prepare me for X, Y, and Z. I know I was not ready for that.

But look at it as what it was. It was a 16 year old saying, I was scared and they came to you. Y'all should high five each other. For who? That's a win. Yes. What you don't want is your kid to go to another house and they find peace there and they don't want to come home.

Because that friend of hers that she went to visit, she's going to come to y'all's house. Yeah. You're not going to laugh. You're going to be goofy and hopefully your husband's poking fun at everybody and you're poking fun back, you know, playing questions for humans and you're laughing and her nervous system will tick down about 15 heartbeats a minute. And she's going to want to be at your house more than her house and she won't even know

why. And she'll probably make fun of you all. Your parents are so lame. They'll let you do anything. Right? Yep. That's what I don't want. lame, they'll let you do anything, but right? Yep.

That's what I don't want. So for whatever it's worth, you're doing a good job. Well, thank you. I appreciate it. I think most days we, we can breathe at night knowing, you know, our kids would rather be home than most places. So that's a little parenting win when they're teens that they like to be home, they enjoy time with friends,

but we're a safe place for them. And that's what my job was, and we've done it. The world will give them plenty of concussions. They don't need them from you. You know this, and I've got a young daughter, so it breaks my heart to say this. The world will tell my daughter all kinds of awful things about her, yours too.

Yep. Right? She doesn't need that from me to toughen her up. What she needs is to know no matter who says what or how or when, if I have to, if I need to, that guy will come running for me. Absolutely. That's it. All right.

And then she can go do crazy, amazing things. So good job on you guys. I hope so. Thank you so much. You're amazing. Appreciate you. Thanks for the call. And yeah, I'm going to leave you so much. You're amazing. Appreciate you. Thanks for the call and yeah, I'm gonna leave it at that. You're my hero today, Joey.

You and your husband. I don't wanna wait. I love Dawson's Creek. We'll be right back. Good folks, the modern world exposes us to things that were unheard of until just a few decades ago. And I don't mean endless streams of cat videos or AI influencers.

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Let's go out to San Antonio, Texas, some of the greatest food on planet earth and talk to Jack. What's up, Jack? Hey, how's it going, Dr. John? Doing good, brother. What's up with you, man? Um, so my question for you today, um, is my current girlfriend is best friends with her ex-boyfriend. Yeah, nope! No, but like seriously, no. How long have y'all been dating?

Um, coming up on four months now. Yeah, no. How long have y'all been dating? Coming up on four months now. Yeah, dude. All right, keep going. I don't want to interrupt you, but keep going. So kind of a little bit of a background. I was in a long-term relationship for a while. I went through a pretty bad breakup a little over half a year ago. And during that time, I met her at work and things kind of kicked off. She's been super sweet, really

caring, really considerate. And it's just been really good all the way around. Um, but except for, she's kind of still with her ex boyfriend. Yeah. She's very close to him. Um, and he probably hangs out with her at least four days out of the week. Um, so, what, what are you, what are you not seeing here, man? I think for me, because I've brought it up to her and I've talked to her about it, about my concerns, and she's like, hey, you know, it is, it is strictly platonic. Now he was there for me during some really, really hard times. We both understand each other very well.

And, um, we're just there as friends that support each other. Okay. So, so let's put her off to the side. What are you doing, man? You know You know I think it's Jack Carter, you know, you know Like you're worth more than this Yeah, it's right

Yeah, it's it's you were dating a woman who doesn't hang out with her ex-boyfriend four nights a week. I feel like I just want to see it the way that she's presenting it to me as if you know because maybe it's true that it really is just completely platonic. Okay, but here's the deal. It doesn't matter. Here's why you get to decide especially in the beginning of a dating relationship You're just a few months in you get this to decide what you're comfortable with and what you're not comfortable with

It doesn't matter if it's a thousand percent plutonic What you have said is hey, I have a value and that is It makes me uncomfortable when you're with a person that used to be all hot and heavy with for a long time and you'll hang out three four nights a week you're always talking it makes me uncomfortable as your new boyfriend and she has said well I don't really care what you feel or what you think.

He gets me and he knows me and we really understand each other and he was there for me during a hard time. And you get to go, cool, she's allowed to do that. But what you're doing right now is you're taking your discomfort and you're just swallowing, you're just shoving it down and it will return with a vengeance.

Yeah, I feel like I'm good with that. I kind of push a lot of my needs down. Yeah, don't dude. They will, they're going to erupt. They will come out at real inopportune times. And what often happens is you will end up snapping, you'll end up yelling or screaming or doing something goofy, calling her 500 times one night or something, and you're going to look like the crazy one. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, we've already had a couple different arguments and kind of fights about it,

and she's just really stood on the point that he is there to stay in her life. And she's just really stood on the point that he is there to stay in her life. And I just, I can't get over that. She's had us try and hang out all together, go like... I've taken that call before. I've taken that call before, man. Whoa. Yeah, but I just, I can't get comfortable with it. Yeah, but I just I can't get comfortable with it. Yeah.

I don't know. I don't know many that could especially at the beginning of a relationship like this. Yeah. That makes sense? Like I don't have, I am on, um, that's even faded out in the last few years, but for years I was still on speaking terms still like on, I've got good relationships with most of people I used to date, but it's when they become your go-to person, they become your main connection. You're never going to be able to develop anything with her.

Yeah. Because she's plugged into somebody already. That's what my big concern was. Yeah. So here's the deal. It's heartbreaking. You like her, right? Sounds like you like her.

Yeah. Yeah. It's cool, fun to hang out with. That's heartbreaking. You like her, right? Sounds like you like her. Yeah. Yeah. It's cool. Fun to hang out with. That's awesome. No relationship is worth absolving your values for. Some relationships are worth questioning your values. Like, do I really believe what I think? And I've changed before because I was really like, I'm going to believe this.

And then I met somebody and they challenged those values. I was like, I was immature. I was wrong. That's all great and good but having a value of no if I'm gonna be your person I want you to I Want us to learn to lean on each other? I want us to learn to grow together. I Don't want you to just tell me. Oh, you just have to accept the fact. I've already got this other former romantic person They're already my foundation and my anchor. You and I will just play. I'm not having that.

I don't know many people that would have that. Yeah. She, she does confide in him emotionally about a lot of stuff. And it's not whenever we're hanging out, she doesn't do the same thing with me. And I've kind of brought it up. Of course she wouldn't why would she? She already has somebody. She doesn't have to do the hard work of reconnecting with somebody emotionally. That's a hard thing to do.

Which means she's never fully disconnected from this guy. Which means they're not broken up. Yeah. Yeah, I feel like I am ruining your day, dude. No, no, I feel like a lot of this stuff's been in the back of my head for quite a while, and it's just, I've been trying to be patient, I've been trying to be understanding. I've been trying to be understanding

and seeing things from her perspective. Cause she's talked, we've talked about it quite a bit. And I just, I don't think this has to be a blow up. I don't think this has to be a explosion or she gets to do what she wants to do, brother. And so do you. But I do think there's a gentle and a but yet confident right a gentle yet confident hey I'm gonna go ahead and call this I

really loved being your boyfriend it's been fun I just have different expectations for him dating and I wish you the absolute best and we still work together we're gonna be friends. Yeah. Yeah. Here's the other thing. You're a grown man, you don't have to do what I say. And I don't want to be in the habit of breaking up couples, right? And so, if you're like, you know what? I got a good arrangement.

She holds my hands on the weekend and she just does all the emotional and psychological and spiritual stuff with him. That's a weird way to build life, bro, but you knock your lights out. But I mean, I think you knowing in this call, like, let me just say this, you're not crazy. You're not crazy. Your gut feeling is right. Go with your gut. I'll leave it there.

And to be a good brother to me, dude, go get some chips and queso there in San Antonio, Texas. It's one of the best chips and queso on planet earth. Do that for me today. Thank you so much. We'll be right back. Okay good folks, Lent is just a few weeks away. If you haven't heard of Lent, it's a practice that goes back centuries.

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Somebody wrote in to the show and we had to set up and we had a scheduling challenge. But the call is so important that I want to read the letter, the note that came in and answer it here, live. Because I think this is applicable to all of us. Here's the question. It's from Sydney in San Diego, California.

My 16 year old sister has been having sex with her current boyfriend. I'm concerned as the oldest sister, as our parents allow her to go over to his house under the guise that their relationship is innocent. She had a previous boyfriend when she was 14, in which I had to get her plan B as they had unprotected sex and her boyfriend couldn't get it for her.

He was too young. I feel caught in the middle as she's my baby sister and we've always been relatively close through issues at home. We've always been the only safe space for one another, but her sexual decisions regarding her boyfriend's concern me as she has no job, no car, and she's too young to be responsible for the consequences of having sex. I debate telling my parents, but I know this would be a huge breach of trust in our relationship. How should I handle this to keep her safe and respect our relationship?

I'm 19 years old and when she needs help she's open. Yeah, she's 19 years old. open. Yeah, she's 19 years old. When it comes to sexual relationships with minors, when it comes to kids, teenagers drinking, trying drugs out, smoking weed, when it comes to adult friendships or relationships, maybe you know your friend weed. When it comes to adult friendships or relationships, maybe you know your friend is having an affair, maybe you know your friend is struggling with disordered eating,

or some sort of addiction on their own, or any number of things. It can often feel like the most important thing in that relationship is the phrase, I won't tell anyone. This trust. And I happen to have been a just I've done this for long enough for 20 plus years where people got really, really hurt because everyone around them said, I won't tell anybody. And it might've been because they were considering hurting themselves.

And they said, you swear you won't tell? And they're like, yeah, I promise I won't tell. Well, I've been having suicidal thoughts and nobody says anything. Or don't tell anybody, but I've been sleeping with so-and-so. And they're 14, they're a child. They're 16, They're a child. They're 16. They're a child.

And we feel trapped between, it's not my responsibility to say anything, especially when they're adults, right? They promise they wouldn't tell that they're cheating on our mutual friend. And so when we have dinner together as a couple, it's kind of awkward because I know she's sleeping with somebody else, but her husband's here too. And I just come to believe that this question here, I know this would be a huge breach of trust in our relationship. When you're 19 and your 16 year old sister

is putting herself at such catastrophic risk by having unprotected sex as a 14 year old, as a 16 year old sister is putting herself at such catastrophic risk by having unprotected sex as a 14 year old, as a 16 year old. The breach in the relationship is not reaching out as an adult, as a 19 year old to protect that 16 year old from themselves. I'll never blame a 16 year old for being curious about sex and intimacy. I'll never blame a 16 year old about being curious about alcohol. They're 16. They're

hormonal and they're curious. Those two things together. That's like gasoline meet match. It's the adults in their lives that are, it's our job to create boundaries and save context and to have connected relationships. It's not our job to keep secrets under the guise of, if tell on them, they're not gonna tell me anything. You're maybe maybe But every one of my friends knows I'll lose that all day long if it keeps you safe I'll lose that all day long if it keeps my integrity So there's been relationships I've had in my life where I've said hey you got 48 hours and I'm gonna make this phone call for you I've said hey you got 48 hours and I'm gonna make this phone call for you I've had friends say

When I've told friends hey before today is over you and me are going or you're going to a psychiatric hospital I drive you I'll take you I'm gonna call 9-1-1 they're gonna come pick you up, but you're gonna go How do you want this to go? I'll call your dad. I'll call your mom I've told a police officer and another sergeant that who wanted to wait 12 hours before they communicated to a dad that his son had passed away. I said, you tell your supervisor to call me. I'm calling him right now.

So he's not going to wait 12 more hours to find out that his child has passed away. And I called the dad and I told him. And so I guess what I want you to hear me say as we started this new year, number one, secrets will kill you. Secrets will kill you. Secrets will kill your relationships, secrets will kill your friends. Let 2025 be the year that you don't hold secrets anymore.

Be free, be free. Be free in your house, be free in your own heart, be free in your own chest, be free with your friendships and connectivity. Number two, often the most trusting, loving thing you can do in a brother-sister relationship and a mother-father relationship and a sibling relationship and a best friend relationship

is to call out things where you see your friends getting hurt. When you see them doing destructive things, especially in kids. You have no option with kids. You have to ring the alarm with kids. And I understand, hey if you have a friend who's cheating on her husband, fine I'm not gonna call husband but I might hang out with you anymore. I'm gonna step away. I'm gonna step away. Because what you're asking me to but I'm not hanging out with you anymore. I'm a step away. I'm a step away because what you're asking me to do is to not be honest with my partner.

You're asking me not to be honest with my friend, your husband, and that's a breach of friendship, right? That's actually a breach of trust. And so broadly speaking, I have a reputation with my friends and with people who call in and I work with people all over the country behind closed doors. As being a vault, my wife doesn't know who I talk to. Just keep it quiet. It's just silence.

But everyone that I talk to also knows, now if there's a reason to make a phone call, Delong is going to make a phone call. And it's not because I'm better, it's because I've been on the other side when I didn't. And I can't get those back. So to Sydney and San Diego, California is a 19 year old, a big sister of a 16 year old. God bless you for being in her life and for being a safe place for a call.

This is when you go get involved directly. Yes, you need to include your parents unless your parents are absent, they're abusive, they're struggling with their own addictions, and then you need to get a minister involved, a pastor involved, a school counselor involved. You need to get some people involved because your 16-year-old sister is a child. She's a kid. Doesn't need to be having unprotected sex at 16 years old. After having unprotected sex with a 14 year old. It's a kid that's really struggling to reach it on trying to grab hold of something that resembles connection. And she needs you to bring other

adults, probably trained adults into the situation ASAP. If you're an adult, if you're a grown up like me, if you're really old, like kind of geriatric population like Kelly or others, the responsibility is the same. If you have kids in your life, you have a mandate, you will get involved. If it's abuse, if it's sexual relationships, if it's alcohol consumption, if it's drugs, all that, you will get involved. They're kids. If it's your friends, let this be the year we're not keeping secrets anymore. Breach of trust is often silence. A breach of trust is often silence. Not gossip, but silence.

We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. You've probably heard people talk about different kinds of flags in friendships and romantic relationships like red flags and green flags and beige flags. Listen, it can be helpful to look for relationship patterns or unsafe behaviors, but to me, all these flag labels can distract from what's really important when you're trying to find a lasting relationship. What's really important are your values and your potential partners values

and whether both of you are willing to wake up every day and choose to honor each other's values. But when you grow up in challenging environments or given how we are bombarded with everyone else's values all day every day, it can be tough to even know what are my values. What is important to me and in a relationship, how will I show up and honor myself and are my values? What is important to me and in a relationship? How will I show up and honor myself and love my partner? Let's forget all of those flags and instead ask the question, how can I learn to know what I even value? Therapy can help you figure out what you value, learn what you're looking for in relationships, and then help you decide your boundaries and your non-negotiables. If you're thinking about starting therapy,

try BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy that works with your schedule. To get started, just fill out a short online survey to get matched with a licensed therapist. And if it's not the right fit, you can switch therapists at any time for no extra money. So whether you're dating, married, building a friendship,

or just working on yourself, give it a shot with BetterHelp. Visit BetterHelp.com slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Deloney. All right, we're back. Kelly, all right, something cool happened. What is it? All right. This is from Amy. She says, Hey, Dr. John, Kelly and the team. Did you add Kelly and the team? Nope, written right here. All right.

I'll show you. No, I trust you. I was so appreciative of your show and wanted to share something cool that happened in my life. I'm currently a mom of two under 18 months, and about six months ago, I was feeling very lonely. All of my good friends are still in graduate school and on a different path and different part of life that I'm in. Because of your show, I decided to reach out to two girls that I knew in high school that I haven't talked to in seven years and ask if they wanted to meet up at a park because I needed mom friends. Now we try to meet up at least twice a month with all seven kids

that are under the age of four to hang out talk and watch The kids play. Yes. Thank you for helping me do the right thing and make a vulnerable step to gain new friends. That's it That's it. It's the hardest easiest thing you can ever do The hardest easiest thing you can ever do last night We had dinner with a couple friend and my wife was like, Hey, we're playing matchmaker this year for John. He's getting friends. And so, um, yeah, I know not that kind of matchmaker. I was like, wow, she's finally done.

I'm calling in. I'm calling into my own show next week. Um, but like we're, you're going to get friends. And so she's like, I have a couple of guys I think John would hang out with. What do y'all think? And they were matching. I was in front of him and I was like, what have a couple of guys I think John would hang out with, what do y'all think? And they were matching, I was in front of them, and I was like, what are we doing here, guys?

Like, I'm a grown man, and my wife was like, yeah, you're not doing a great job. So, yeah, good for you. Listen, 2025, pick up the phone, make the call, shoot the text message, and if they can't come, that stinks, but let's go find somebody else that can. I promise you, I promise you, this woman, if they keep meeting like that,

all three moms, all seven kids, everybody's gonna benefit from that. Their extended families, everybody's gonna benefit from that sense of community and connection. So great, so awesome. And two kids, 18 months and not younger, ah! Yikes. Love you guys, stay in school not younger. Ah! Yikes. Love you guys, stay in school, don't do drugs. Bye!