The Dr. John Delony Show - I Feel Stuck in a Life I Don’t Want

Episode Date: September 8, 2023

On today’s show, we hear about: -       A father feeling like he’s stuck in a life he didn’t want -       A daughter looking to set boundaries with her mom - A woman who wants to have the confidence to date after divorce To pre-order John's new book Building a Non-Anxious Life click here. Lyrics of the Day: "Love Song" - Tesla Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show.  Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp DreamCloud Hallow Thorne Add products to your cart create an account at checkout Receive 25% off ALL orders Resources: Anxiety Test Own Your Past, Change Your Future Questions for Humans Conversation Cards Redefining Anxiety Quick Read John’s Free Guided Meditation Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately. Learn more about your ad choices. https://www.megaphone.fm/adchoices Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. I don't know if this is the life that I want. I don't know if I want to stay married. I'm not happy. I'm depressed. Your daughter will spend her life wondering what it is about her that is making you so electric, So unhappy. What is going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show.

So grateful that you joined us. Talking about your marriage and your parenting and your mental health and emotional health and your kids and whatever else you got going on. We have a packed studio house today. That's not really true, but we do have some, and we have some parents and their kids. And my favorite thing, I mean, literally, I love it when my kids tell me they love me. And the second favorite thing is when parents and their kids come to watch the show. We always end up talking about something that's going to make lunch incredibly awkward.

And I love it. It makes my heart feel good because they all know that everyone knows that they know that they know. And my also favorite is when like 20-year-olds, teenagers, when they start looking at the floor like, like they don't, like their parents don't know what's going on. So great.

I love it. And so we got it today. All right. Hey, important. When this show goes out, when does this show release? You guys know? September 8th. Okay.

September 8th. That will be about three weeks out from when student loan payments are redo, are redo, are due. They're back in the world. We're going to get rid of them. They're all going to go away. They didn't go away. And I, um, also co-host the Ramsey show.

I also receive emails by the gajillions and social media requests. People are terrified. They're so anxious. They can't breathe. Um, people have bought cars. They took jobs. They moved across the country. They bought homes, they made significant changes to their life with this idea that this burden would be gone and it's not. um, my, my friends here, my colleagues here, Jade Warshaw and some, and some others are going to,

um, do a live stream a hundred percent free on what do you do now? Like, how do you get rid of these student loans forever? There is no cavalry coming. There's no white horse coming to rescue you. You're going to have to pay them back. Um, I've done it. It's awful. I paid back six figures. Jade paid back almost half a million dollars, her and her husband, seven years. They just ground it out. So her and a couple other of my colleagues are going to be walking through what do you do? How do you get rid of these things forever? I'm sick of waiting on the government.

I'm sick of waiting for all these things. Register today at ramseysolutions.com slash studentloans. And again, if you're anxious about what to do next, check that out. Okay. Let's go out to Dallas, Texas and talk to T-Money. Let's talk to Trent. What's up, Trent? Hey, how are you? Partying, man. What about you? Man, I'm doing all right. Thank you so much for having me on the show. I'm a huge fan. It's an honor to get to talk to you right now. I appreciate that, man. What's up? Hey, uh, so I've been struggling for a while, like probably like the last three years, like a lot of people. Um, and I'm just wondering,

how do you, how do you like reconcile mistakes that you've made in your past and like, still find a way to, uh, excuse me, me, to feel fulfilled in life. I'm kind of in a place right now where I just don't know if I'm ever going to be able to feel just peace. What'd you do that's so bad that this many years later you can't breathe? See, the issue is I have a lot of shame about feeling this way. So if you don't mind, I'll take you back to about 2020. It was, it was 2020. Um, and I'm sitting on the couch in my apartment with my wife and I'm not happy. I'm depressed

because of COVID and the quarantine and it's all got us all shut down, and I'm sitting there thinking about, I don't know if this is the life that I want. I have no idea what I'm going to do. I don't know if I want to stay married, those kind of things. How long have you been married? Four years now. So you're about a year in.

Yeah, that's what people tell me. No, no, no. You were about a year in when you started having this, like, what am I doing? Yes. Okay. So before we keep like, what am I doing? Yes. Okay. So before we keep going, I just want to socially norm. That's the nerd word.

I want to let you know I had those exact same thoughts. In fact, I sat down with my wife and said, I don't think we've done the right thing. What do we do next? How do we untangle this? Because this is not going to work. And that was 21 years ago. Okay. So I want you to know you're not crazy. That's a super common sitting there next to somebody going,

what have I done? Okay. Right. Okay. So bring it, keep going. Yeah. And as I'm, I'm laying on the couch, having those thoughts and I'm not really showing it, but like inside I'm just full of turmoil. You're showing it. It's all over the place, but go ahead. No, no, no, no. I'm showing it. Yeah, I'm showing it. Okay, okay. But anyway, she comes out of the bathroom, and she goes, hey, babe, I'm pregnant. Hey-o.

Yeah. Not planned. Definitely wasn't our idea to get pregnant in the middle of that whole mess that was going on. And, you know, I feel so bad because she had always wanted a kid. And, uh, you know, when you see those videos of wives and they tell their husbands that they're pregnant and the husband just has this overflowing reaction of joy and it's this heartfelt thing. And I lay there on the couch and had a panic attack. Okay. I'm just telling you all this to give you some background of what's led me to

where i'm at today um well and i'm hearing it and if you were here if you were watching me live you would see like that doesn't surprise me and there would have been neat to have an instagram moment and it would have been cool to like be flooded with emotions but we are in the middle of an international health crisis that might kill us all. And so your first instinct, your body went, oh, no, I can barely keep us alive, much less a child. That's not crazy. In fact, I would think it was more normal than going, all right. You know what I mean?

Right. Right. No, for sure. And then I've battled with depression and anxiety since I was a teenager. It's something I've dealt with. It kind of ebbs and flows up and down. I just manage it. And so over the last few years, when she said I was pregnant, I put all my feelings aside and was like, well, okay, regardless of how I feel for the marriage, I I want to give my daughter a, you know,

a complete family, a household. I want to be a good dad and I want to be present. So that's what I've been trying to do. So we moved out of our apartment, got into a house and like now fast forward a long time, I'm in a lot of debt. Uh, I work a hard job. I just, this is just, I feel like if 18-year-old me was looking at 27-year-old me, he'd be so disappointed. Well, your 18-year-old you is an idiot. I know. I'm sure he is. Right.

Yeah, he was. 18-year-old me bathed on a weekly schedule, followed Pantera around, and was like, you know what I mean? Like, 18-year-old me was insane. I hope 18-year-old me bathed on a weekly schedule, followed Pantera around, and was like, you know what I mean? Like, 18-year-old me was insane. I hope 18-year-old me doesn't like me. That tells me I've grown up some. Sure.

Like, that's a bad comparison. That's fair. And I'll admit, I was a dumb 18-year-old like everybody else. Yes. everybody else. My dilemma right now is that I feel like I have this life that so many people really would want and I'm so selfish that I can't find a way to just be content

and happy in it. That's just what I'm dealing with. You've talked about wanting to take care of your wife. You've talked about wanting to take care of your kid. What happened to Trent that that trent thinks trent sucks? Why do you think so little of trent that trent is worth having a peaceful life which by the way Is the greatest gift you can give your kid is

Not a five-bedroom house, but it may be a two-bedroom apartment where there's peace because that's what y'all can afford right now or right Maybe some significant, serious marriage counseling. And your wife's got a role to play in this too. Where y'all create a house that's full of warmth and laughter as much as possible in this crazy world, as opposed to I'm going to make sure there's this suburban and this thing and

this style of backpack and this kind of lunchbox. And so I'm going to live as though I'm on, on fire so that we have this crap. Is that, you see what I'm saying? Like what, what happened to Trent? Cause Trent deserves so much more than the life he's allowing himself to

live. I guess, I guess I'm still trying to find that. I feel like I've lost myself. I don't think you ever had it, man. You could be right there as well. Because here's what it sounds like you're trying to do.

It sounds like you're trying to get to a particular finish line, and that finish line might be number of cars, size of house, number of kids, the number of times you have sex in a week, net worth, whatever metric you're putting up for yourself as normal, whatever that's supposed to mean, and you're trying to achieve peace. And you've heard me say this a million times on the show, the crappiest part about making $100,000 for the first time is that you go with you. You're the one that cashes that paycheck. And if you don't like yourself with 40 grand, you're not going to like yourself with 100 grand and you're going to hate yourself with a million. Yeah.

No, that makes sense. And here's my feet. Can I be ugly for a second? Like pretty direct with you? No, please do. No, please do. Your daughter will spend her life wondering what it is about her

that is making you so electric, so unhappy. And my guess is you were put in a position to make mom and dad happy. Is that fair? Yeah. Don't make mom mad if you say this dad's going to get angry. Is that you growing up? Yep.

Okay. And so what you did was your identity becomes rooted in what other people expect of me. My job on earth is to make sure other people fill in the blank. And that keeps you alive when you're a kid. And when you get older, you become untethered. And you start chasing, I need something to feel good. That make sense? So the question I'll ask you, man,

like from the inside out, and don't be scared of the answer. You're not going to shock me. What do you want, man? Put aside the house. Put aside the cars. Put aside the, what do you want?

That's, honestly, John, that's the question that I've been, I've been trying to ask myself, and this is why I feel so stuck, because I feel like even if I, and I'm not, I don't want to do this. I'm not going to do this, but like, even if I were to leave my family, go off and do my own thing, I'd be so miserable. I'd be so miserable. I know that. That's right. So let me ask you, I think an easier question, but a different one.

Not what do you want. People will go to counseling for years to answer that question. That's a hard question to answer. What do you want your house to feel like when you get home every day? I just want it to be, I just want it to feel Like a home I just want to get home What does that mean? I'll tell you at my house

I'll give you some words When I walk in the door You know what I just want to feel? I want to feel like my wife likes me I just want to feel like she's happy I'm there My kids are kids So I'm not going to outsource my feelings to them But I want there to be a sense of

my daughter running at me with a sword and a pillow trying to stab me with her imaginary thing and my son sitting there working on his novel like a good little nerd like I like I wanted to feel like that you see what I'm saying there's nothing great yeah but when I did that math I had to get rid of a bunch of stuff that I had taken loans out on. Because my wife didn't like me when I was stressed out all the time. And I was stressed out when I owed a bunch of people money all the time. See what I'm saying? That makes a bunch of sense.

So when you walk into your house, what do you want it to feel like? I guess I want that. I want it to feel light. I want that weight of life to just... I want the world to be outside, and when I walk in, I want that to not be in the world anymore. I want the weight of everything to just be lifted off.

You talked about your kids, and I don't want to make it sound like I don't like my family. When my daughter... I don't hear that at all, man. Okay. I hear that you don't like Trent. I hear that you love your daughter beyond the end of time, and I actually think you love your wife beyond the end of time.

You don't like that they have anchored themselves to you, a guy that you don't like. And you thought all of this was supposed to feel differently. Yeah, that's probably pretty fair. So. yeah that's probably pretty fair so so here here's the here's the path you got forward okay path number one is you keep running and you keep achieving and you keep hustling you keep grinding out at work and you're gonna have a customer come in one day and she's beautiful and hilarious and she's going to make you laugh and you're going to think about her and she's like that happens to all of us right there's beautiful

hilarious people everywhere and then she's going to come back the next month and then she's going to say all right i'll be back in two weeks for my next order and you're going to be waiting for the next time and then you're going to get her number and then it all goes sideways that way okay that's that's number one. If that hasn't already happened, some version of that, it's coming. My guess is it's probably shown up before. The second one is you get a babysitter for your kid,

and you take your wife out, and you say, the life I'm creating for us is making me insane. And I love you more than life itself. And I've tried to show you, I love you with all of this stuff and I need to do something different. Okay. Okay.

I also think you need to call. I'm going to stay on the line. I'm going to send you three months of free counseling with my buddies, a better help. I think you need to call and you need to to stay on the line. I'm going to send you three months of free counseling with my buddies at BetterHelp. I think you need to call and you need to ask them. Like when you talk to the counselor, what are you working on today? I don't like me. And my daughter deserves a husband, I mean, a dad who loves himself enough to take care of himself, enough to be an anchor.

My wife deserves a husband who's not trying to use her to make himself feel better. And I want you all to work through that. Is that fair? Totally fair. Totally fair. In this Building a Non-Excess Life book I just put out, there's a chapter in there called Choose Freedom. And it's not like eagles in American flag underwear. That's not what I mean.

Yeah. It's taking a true inventory of who is telling you what you need to be doing every second of every day. Where are those shoulds coming from or have-dos coming from? Some of them come from a bank saying you have to go to work tomorrow at this crappy job because you owe me or a car dealership or a clothing credit card or whatever. Sometimes it's in-laws telling you when you're going to do Christmas and how you're going to do whatever. And my granddaughter is not going to go to that school. And you go on and on and on down the list. And so I think an important exercise for you, I'm going to send you a free copy of the book too, but I want you to go through that exercise. Where is this voice coming from? Who's the person telling me all these things that I should be doing this and I should

feel like this. And I, cause what you're going to find is it's not you. It's your mom. It's your dad. It's your coach. It's some well-meaning, but kind of moronic pastor from your childhood. It's, it's whoever, man, it's people you work with. And at some point you have to take ownership back of those voices. Does that make sense? Totally makes sense. And I'll probably do that exercise today. Okay. That'd be, I would love that. And, um, dude, I'd love to have you back on with your wife sometime. You think she'd be willing to do that? Yeah, I think she would be. I didn't tell her I was calling you today. I was kind of embarrassed, but I will tell her that I called and talk to her about this for sure.

I think she would love to come on. All right, so just a peek behind the curtain, okay? This morning, I have a close friend who's in a really tough situation with one of his kids. His kid is sick. And one of the most extraordinary, beautiful little kids I've ever had the presence, I mean, the honor to meet. And he called me and asked me a question. And I thought I knew the answer, but just to make sure, I called one of my friends and I've had her on the show, Lynn Jennings, Dr. Jennings back there in Texas, who's an expert with working with kids. And she said in her own wonderful way, with all due respect, John, you're way off on this one. And here's this and here's this and here's why.

And she gave me the developmental research because that's how nerds talk to each other. But here's the thing. I was wrong. And here's what I got the opportunity to be a little less wrong right i like it there's no shame or embarrassment i didn't know okay so similarly i want you to free yourself man from the shame and embarrassment of all right i'm four years in i have a kid that was a surprise and i've got a wife that we're still figuring out how we even like each other. Okay. Those are skills I don't have. You've never been married for four years with a kid.

This is all new. Cut yourself some slack, man. No shame here. What you're doing is you're finding out answers and that's going to help you be a better husband, better dad. And quite honestly, it's going to help you make peace with Trent. Because I think Trent is a pretty good guy. I think if you asked the people in your life, or if I did, what do you think about Trent? They'd probably tell me good stuff. I think there's one person who doesn't like Trent, and that's you. Man, you can make all the money in the world,

and you can get your kid all the nice things, make sure your wife is clothed in rubies and whatever. But if you don't like you, man, it's all for naught. It's all for naught. Hang on the line, man. We'll hook you up. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. October is the season for wearing costumes. And if you haven't started planning your costume, seriously, get on it. I'm pretty sure I'm going to go as Brad Pitt because we have the same upper body, but whatever. Look, it's costume season. And if we're being honest, a lot of us hide our true selves behind masks and costumes more often than we want to.

We do this at work. We do this in social settings. We do this around our own families. We even do this with ourselves. I have been there multiple times in my life and it's the worst. If you feel like you're stuck hiding your true self behind costumes and masks, I want you to consider talking with a therapist. Therapy is a place where you can learn to accept all the parts of yourself, where you can be honest with yourself and where you can take off the mask and the

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with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Deloney. All right, we're back. Let's go out to Joe in Chicago. Hey, that kind of rhymes. All right, what's up, Joe?

Hey, Dr. Johns. Thank you so much for taking my call. Of course, what's happening? I have a quandary. Quandary, oh, that's a word that we've never heard on this show. I think this is the first quandary. Excellent. There you go a word that we've never heard on the show i think this is the first quandary excellent there you go you can grab a nickel for that too um my quandary is my issue is

i grew up very catholic very obedient without context that was was fantastic. Very Catholic. Okay. Yes. And you know, like... So you are great at following rules and you do not ask questions. No, exactly. Exactly that. And it's becoming an issue as an adult.

Correct. And it has turned me into a people pleaser. It has turned me into a people pleaser. It has turned me into a little success-pursuing machine that is always tired, and it is ruining my relationship with people. Is this from church or is this from your parents? I think it's a little of both, to be very honest. Okay. My mom, who is a wonderful lady, she raised me as a single woman. My dad chose to leave. I'm smiling here.

When you watch the YouTube, you're going to see me laughing just then. Anytime somebody says, my mom, she was amazing, and then there's always a but. Or like, my dad was so great, but. But, yes. Yes. I mean, they're your first love. They're your first nurturers. They're your first interaction with everything.

And they can also be your first abusers, and they can be your first person who used you to make themselves feel better about themselves. It's all true at the same time, right? Yes, it is. Okay. And my father was an abusive individual, and my mother didn't want us growing around that kind of an environment. So she left, she immigrated to the United States by herself with two toddlers. So she's a tough, strong woman, right? You got that right. Okay. You don't mess with her. And, you know, she, and, you know, being an adult, I recognize the hardships of that. I recognize not knowing anybody and taking your children and truly just relying on your faith and your tenacity to work and your mind.

So as I grew up and I got older, I began to question things as anybody does. And I became skeptical about a lot of things. And it wasn't until very recently I started realizing, am I being obedient or am I honoring my mother? Which is a big exhale, but also a big suspended breath in my chest because it is one of the things that I try to do. I try to be a good Christian person, but also try to live my life without pressure. So obedience and honor are not one and the same. Obedience and honor are mutually exclusive. Here's what I mean. When you're 10 and your mom says, take out the trash because you're a member of our household and you play a role here too, honoring your mom is taking out the trash, right? If you're 13 and

you come home and say, dad, I'm getting bullied. And your dad grabs you by the collar and says, when you walk into school tomorrow, you get off that bus, you walk straight into the lockers and you hit that kid in the mouth as hard as you can. That is not honoring your dad by hitting him. It's acting like a child, like he is.

Okay. So one is obedience is honor. One is disobedience is on dad i'm not going to go hit a kid in the mouth that's not going to make this better okay um or if the opposite happens if my son witnessed somebody another kid in his grade beating up a girl in the hallway i would fully expect him to intervene. So I've trained him to do, right? To make sure people are safe.

And so all I have to say is this. How old are you now? I'm 28. Okay. My guess is mom had a very rigid way of doing life because that's the only way she could survive. And that's the house she grew up in. You also grew up without a dad. You've got a lot of childhood

trauma, okay? And the research on immigrant parents and first-gen kids and all that is both, like, really makes for really sexy headlines and also, those are scary houses to grow up in. Yes. Both and, right?

It's cool to tell the story like, man, my mom made it. That was 20 years of, whoa. And there's a lot of those stories that don't get told where mom didn't make it, right? So we know that. You lived through that. My guess is now mom is starting to tell you, continue to tell you how you're living your life and what you should be doing. And I'm your mom.

Are you just going to disobey your mom? And the answer is honor. In this case, the best way you can honor your mom is to be well and whole. Because she raised you to be fiercely independent, to make hard choices, to walk away when you need to, to work like nobody's business with a work ethic. And that might mean telling her, no, I'm not going to do that this time. I'm doing something different. Doing everything she says and getting crucified is not honor. Yes. So give me an example of something she's telling you to do that you don't want to do anymore.

Oh, this is wonderful. Because so far everything everything has been so family-centered. I am the firstborn in accordance to birth order, and I'm also the oldest girl. So the expectation to always take care of people is something that I also struggle with. But recently, I finished my second to last semester of nursing school, so I'm entering that phase of my life. And she wants me to stay in our town, which I don't want to do. I've lived here for 28, well, close to 28 years, 20 more so. And I don't want to be here. I feel that I have callings to go elsewhere. I feel like I don't have community here. You need to go. And I think if I was you, I'd sit down in conversation and say, mom, at a young age, um, you had to go and you had to go for an abusive reason. I've got to go for, to go make my mark. You raised me this way.

And I'm so grateful you gave me the courage because a lot of people just stay in their same small town and they die there. And you're saying, not for me to go. And that departure will be met with all kinds of, I can't believe you're abandoning your family. What about this? That's about them.

It's probably because you're such an amazing daughter that your mom has come to rely on you like oxygen, right? And she's a grown-up and she's going to have to find connections there. And this doesn't mean

you're gone forever, but it might mean I'm going to go make a place for us and then I'll come back and get you. It can mean any number of things, but I think you need to go. Because here's what's going to happen

if you don't. You're going to start to resent your mom. And I don't think she deserves that. I don't think you deserve that. I don't think your relationship deserves that. I agree. And it can be a two-year thing. Hey, I'm going to try this out for two years.

And that might give your mom a little dot, dot, dot, give her an opportunity to grow into it, might give you an opportunity to grow into it. Mm-hmm. And that might give your mom a little dot, dot, dot, give her an opportunity to grow into it, might give you an opportunity to grow into it. And it doesn't sound so eternal or so forever, but I think you need to make a list of the things your mom is asking you to do or demanding of you, if you will, and walk through. Probably with a close friend would be best, but to walk through these and say, okay, as I'm 28 years old, I'm graduating college, I'm about to hit the market and go see the world. How much of this stuff is honor and how much of this is my mom just wants me around? Or how much of this is cultural from the old world to, and I'm making some changes in my personal life. I'm adopting new parts of new cultures and I'm going to go do X, Y, and Z. It's just choosing reality, right? It's just owning it. Now I'm adopting new parts of new cultures and I'm going to go do X, Y, and Z. It's just choosing reality, right? It's just owning it. Now I'm telling you to do that. What's the feeling

in your guts? Like, yes. Or is it, Oh no. I've tried to do that. Um, and, uh, it was really hard because the support system that I had gone to to get counseling on it, um, was a pastor of mine. And I just, they knew that I was having issues with identity. They knew I was having issues with being independent as an adult should, or, or even just chart that, what that feels like and i remember sitting down and telling her i think it's time for me to go and she said oh it's because of that new church that you joined oh gosh it's a cult you should have got up and walked out you should have got up and walked out oh my gosh like sitting down with your barber and being like oh i see somebody else cut your hair like what what are we doing here yeah you see how that that pastor made your quest your adventure what comes next for you your identity all about her yeah it's not that's not how you do that you sit down with somebody it's man i'm sorry that happened to you lucky for you you've got some knuckleheaded a podcaster that you've never met I'll be sure to tell you

No, I mean, I think you gotta go I think you gotta go I think you gotta go see And I also think you gotta be honest with your mom I think you gotta be honest with You are gonna feel incredibly guilty And your mom probably wouldn't be your mom If she didn't just lay it on super thick

And if some of her friends and some of your extended family members can't believe you're abandoning everybody. Okay. But I think you need to go. Again, I would tell you, let's go try this for two years. Let's go try this for three years and see what happens.

Let's go see what happens. When we left Texas, my wife and I left Texas, we left all of our family, all of our friends, our whole thing to move to Nashville to work at the university. I said, let's give this three years and let's see what living in another state and their community. And dude, it's been magic. It's been awesome. So, yeah, I think it's time.

And again, remember, doing every single solitary thing your parent says, even when you're 30 years old, that's not honor. Living the life that they trained you to live to the fullest, taking care of them when they need care, setting up support networks that they can opt in or out of. I don't want to live there. I want to live here. I can't afford there. Well, then you don't love me. Well, I'm not taking out a mortgage, right? Honor is a much bigger conversation than I said so. Go. Go see the world. Let me know when you get there. I want to hear how it goes. Sounds like an adventure awaits. We'll be right back. Hey, good folks. Let's talk about hallow. All right. I say this all the time. It's important to get away for times of prayer and meditation by yourself with no one else around. But one thing

you might not think about though, is maintaining a sense of community when you pray or meditate. And this is especially if you don't consider yourself religious, if you question things, or if you've been burned by a church experience in the past, it's hard to want to get together with other people. And that's another reason why I love Hallow. You can personalize your prayer experience with Hallow and they give you three free months to do it. You can pray or meditate by yourself,

or you can connect with friends, with family, a prayer group, or some other community that you choose. And this way you can share prayers, share meditations. You can even share journal reflections to grow in your faith together with others. And with Hallow, there are other ways you can personalize the app. They have downloadable offline sessions and links ranging from one minute up to an hour, and you can listen where it works for your schedule. You can choose your guide, your background music. You can create your own personal prayer plan and more. I've made it a personal point to begin my day every single day with the hallow meditation on the scripture of the day. It's a discipline and it's a practice, and here's what I'm learning. As with anything of importance and meaning, prayer takes intentionality,

practice, and showing up even when I don't feel like it, and even I don't want to. This is discipline. Sometimes you do this by yourself, and sometimes you do this with a group, and Hallow helps you with both. Download the number one prayer app on planet earth, Hallow, right now. And listen, viewers and listeners of this show get three free months when you go to hallow.com slash Deloney. It's amazing. Three free months of the app when you go to hallow.com slash Deloney. Go right now and change your life. All right, let's go out to Detroit Rock City and talk to the great and wonderful Ashley. What's up, Ashley? Hi, how are you?

Rocking on to the break of dawn. What are you doing? I'm just taking a break from my work day because I got this call this morning that I get to be on and go over the question I submitted yesterday. Awesome. Hey, do me a favor. Talk directly into your phone, okay? Okay. Can you hear me? Perfect. Perfect. Okay. All right. So what's up? What have you done now?

Just kidding. So I am struggling. I'm an emotional person. I am too. I am too. It's all good. I'm struggling to be a single mom after a divorce and just finding my place as alone because I never saw myself being alone. I'm a relational person.

I want to be in a relationship. I want to enjoy adventure and fun with somebody, and I'm really struggling with being alone. What happened in your marriage? Kind of a long story, but in the end, um, I just don't, I just think he fell out of love with me. Um, he ended it. There was a lot of, there was a lot of trauma that happened with my side of the family and some things that happened that he wasn't happy with and he wouldn't support me through wanting to support my family. And so we butted heads a lot in the end. But also, ultimately, I felt like

he was pulling away from me and was a very avoidant and dismissive person. And so when we tried to go through therapy resolving that and things he did more um really really I was stuck on my love languages and that I need affection and words of affirmation and he couldn't give that to me I felt very alone and so um I don't know if it was me pressing that in you know at the end plus some of the things that went on with um conflict with our my extended family um he filed in the end did it surprise you um no because he was kind of that way in the beginning he was kind of a he's in law enforcement and he was just kind of a more of a stoic, like didn't show his affection, but it just felt like it got worse when I lost my dad traumatically and I lost my brother traumatically. And I just felt very much alone in that.

And then when he tried to say that he didn't want anything to do with the rest of my family because of something that my brother had done, um, I just felt abandoned, I think. And I think I'm still struggling with that. Is there a chance that, um, yeah, you should be struggling with that. That's hard. Is there a chance that you left him too? Um, I think he just filed the paperwork i thought yes i did um he's the one that filed initially and i begged him not to do it but i know that when it was all said and done um may of 2022 a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders because of how he treated me so i know that i was not with the person that i that I would have wanted to be with forever. Like, eventually, I might have ended things. But I wasn't raised that way.

My parents were very happily married. So there's part of me that feels like I failed, and I failed my kids. But I do know that I'm happier now without him in my life. I just know it's causing me to struggle with where I'm at single and feeling lonely. There's a lot of different routes we could take. Give me a...

I know there's a lot. I know there's a lot. That's okay. You're not a lot. Kelly is a lot. know there's a lot. I know there's a lot. That's okay. You're not a lot. Kelly is a lot. You are not a lot. So give me a particular question we can work on. Okay.

I think more than anything, being okay with being single in this season and being okay with who I am because I know that I struggle with my own identity and being okay with who I am because I know that I struggle with my own identity and being okay with who I am because I think there's still something there with feeling like I wasn't enough for him, so I'm not enough for someone else. Okay, so those are two completely different things, all right? The first thing is, if you're not happy being single, don't force yourself to pretend that you're not If you're not happy being single Don't force yourself to pretend that you're happy That you're single It's okay to grieve that I miss somebody

And you miss Just knowing that somebody's in the house In case there's a sound You miss sex, you miss sharing a meal with somebody You miss silliness You probably even miss the conflict a little bit You just miss engagement, right? I wouldn't pretend that you're not feeling that. That's going to make you insane, right? Or like to give you a picture, if you take that feeling

and you don't want to feel it, like you press it down, you shove it down, or you compress it. Another word for that is to depress it, right? And your body goes, oh, we got it. Those things aren't good. So we don't want to do that. Right. The second thing you're talking about confidence because you're asking yourself the question, what was so bad about me that he wouldn't just say, I love you and give me a back rub. What was so bad about me? Right. What was so bad about me that when he was stressed at work, I wasn't his safe place to come,

um, like be with. What was so bad about me that he wouldn't be with me when my dad died and my brother died. And that's a question of confidence. And so the hard, the hardest turn to make is he didn't show up when my dad and my brother died because something was wrong with him, not me. Okay. And confidence is not something you can just whip up.

You can't just imagine it. Confidence is something you have to practice. Okay. Your body knows the difference. We failed miserably with the self-esteem movement, right? They studied a whole bunch of CEOs and they saw that these super successful people had insane belief in themselves. And so what they tried to do is go back and give that to kids. Just tell kids they're wonderful. Stop having trophies.

Stop letting kids lose or get second place. We all win. We're going to inject this insane self-confidence. What they failed to realize, and we've got a generation that grew up thinking that they're the greatest thing that ever lived, is those CEOs gained that insane self-confidence by failing a million times. Right.

And getting beat up and beat up. And they kept dragging themselves to one more step and one more step and one more step. So by the time they finally got to the top of whatever hill they were trying to climb, dude, they were the most confident guys in the world because they've been dragged down so much. And that's different. Okay. And so you got knocked completely over. Some by your own doing, some by him, some by just the nature of your relationship, man, for whatever reason, couldn't sit down and say, let's dig into this. Yep. So you have to go on a journey to be weird. How old are you? 42. Oh gosh. Making friends at 42, the worst. I have amazing friends. Honestly, I do because I've had a couple of girlfriends

who've gone through divorce and they're my rock. So I do have amazing friends. I know, hold on, but they can be your rock, but I've hung out with a bunch of divorced women before. Right? Yeah. Yes. Right. And I've hung out with divorced dudes before when there's three or four of them. It's like, bro, bro. And I just want to set my face on fire to make sure I can still feel right. So it is good to have people who have been there before, who are like down the road from you to get some wisdom from, but you also need people in your life who still love the idea of love yeah and who are still actively seeking connection and you're gonna have to just be weird about some of these pictures you have in your head about this is the way this works i just sit idly by in my church pew and some guy taps me on the shoulder and says, would you? And you're

like, I would like, that's not going to happen. Right. It's not going to happen. So you're going to have to be weird. You might have to ask somebody at your office place. He didn't go get coffee or somebody at the daycare center where your kid works or your kid goes. I don't, I don't know your world or you have to say, Hey, I'm back on the market, ladies. I've got to slowly take little baby steps into this thing. And dating is the absolute miserable worst. It's worse than making friends, as I've been told, right? It is. I've tried.

Yep. Okay. So remember back to those CEOs. You're going to have to just decide, I'm going to keep scratching and clawing. One more step, one more step, one more step. Okay. Because you're going to have to just decide I'm going to keep scratching and clawing one more step, one more step, one more step because you're practicing confidence and let's be super super honest have you sat down and been

reflective on what role you played in your marriage? yes, I've been through a lot of therapy and I know that I was codependent. I was a stay-at-home mom for the last six years and I kind of lost myself

and I know I played a role in that way that I just felt I was very dependent on him at times for my happiness instead of finding my happiness somewhere outside of just him. I don't think it's necessarily bad to find happiness and to begin to lean on your spouse. I don't think that's codependent. Codependent is when I'm going to bury myself in order to make sure they're okay. Um, and I, that too, I was so concerned with his needs and how I could be better for him that I kind of, I just felt like I really let myself go. And, um, you know, I, but I also think that I, I created that in my mind because I didn't have him telling me anything else.

That's fair. That's fair. I thought it wasn't good enough for him because I didn't have him telling me anything else. That's fair. That's fair. I thought it wasn't good enough for him because he wasn't saying those things. So I think, I'm not sure. I'm not 100% sure exactly what I did, I guess. So let me say it like this. The only way marriage works is if both people go all in. Like in a way that's insane.

It doesn't make any sense, right? Right. Like, I am all in on you. This is it. And you got to be all in on me. And when that doesn't work or it falls apart, often the solution is kind of a misguided definition of codependency. And that, which basically means the next time I'm going to go one foot in, because I always have to keep one foot on the ground. One foot in the boat's fine, but one on the ground to make sure that I'm doing what I need to do so that I can, and I'm here to tell you, that's not going to work.

Right. What you have to do is be willing to risk getting hurt this bad again. Yeah. And I think I am there because I, I am the kind of person that I wear my heart on my sleeve. I tell them how I feel. I've dated and I've been in a couple short-lived relationships and I feel like maybe I always question, did I give too much? Did I tell that person too much? Did I, you know, share, I share a lot because I want them to know everything about me and who I am and what I'm willing to give. So let me tell you this, you probably are a lot and there is somebody who loves a lot.

And so walking away every time, that's just that anxiety spinning up on you. I said this, I shouldn't have laughed like that. Oh my gosh, I ate this and I should have put my fork down like that. Right. What I want you to take full ownership of is I'm freaking Ashley. I've been there. I'm a good mom. I'm raising my daughters.

I was married to a cop, which I grew up in that household. Ashley, I know that's a whole different ecosystem, right? Like there's not a lot. And now I'm looking for somebody to just rock on until the wheels fall off. I don't have a good time. And so this is, I'm not playing games anymore. And a lot of the modern dating is set up

literally like a video game. It's a game. Yeah. Right? It's a swipe, right? Let's meet. I'm going to give you a thumbs down emoji or no, dude, I'm just going to tell you. I'm hard on my sleep kind of person.

And my promise is that those people are out there who love honesty and directness and somebody that's a little bit, whoa, that's a lot. Right? But if you start hedging yourself, you're going to end up in the same spot again. It's both feet in the boat. I think I did that in the beginning when I first met my husband. I wasn't a lot. I didn't wear my heart on my sleeve.

And then when I started to truly become who I was in the marriage, I don't think he liked it. And that's really hard, right? My husband liked a pseudo version of me. Mm-hmm. But I want to back up and say it again. That was an issue with him.

Right. Did you give it your all? I did. Okay. You got to let that go. Okay. Like, you're still trying to fix it now. Yeah. Can't fix it it's over what you can do is build

something else it's rad yeah fair yep do you want rad what does rad feel like um laughter laughter. I'm not very, I love to laugh. I love to be funny. I love to be on adventures. I'm very athletic. So I just love to be out trying new things. I'm spontaneous. That's what I want. I promise you there's guys listening to this, looking at their wives now going, oh, geez, how do I get in contact with Ashley? Okay. What you just laid out is a dream. It's awesome. Okay.

And if you had laid out, I just am kind of boring and I'm a nerd. I like to read books and go to bed at nine o'clock and I don't, I like just being stable. There's some guy listening going, yes, right? Right. It's when you feel yourself, um, gosh, I'm trying listening going, yes, right? Right. It's when you feel yourself, gosh, I'm trying to think. It's something extraordinary and it's on the internet somewhere that Brene Brown talked about, but about belonging is devastating when a person or as a person begins to look around and say, okay, what do these people need from me so that I can be included? Right.

And that's dangerous. Maybe the words not belong, but that's the sentiment. When you start hiding parts of yourself so that maybe they'll ask me out again, that thing's already sunk, man. Right. Somebody's going to love the dance Right. I needed to hear that. Somebody's going to love the dance you do when the tacos are delicious. Okay. They are.

They just don't. Yep. Fair? Yep. All right. Hang on the line. I'm going to send you a copy of Building an Unanxious Life. And I want you to read all the way through it and do all the exercises in the back.

Here's what you are. You are rebuilding. You're rebuilding something. You're rebuilding. You're rebuilding something. You're rebuilding how you think of yourself. You're rebuilding your day-to-day. You're rebuilding what a home looks like. You're grieving what you thought this thing was going to look like, and now it's different.

You're rebuilding everything. And as any building project goes, you always are like, all right, I'm going to get the foundation down on Monday. No, you're not. It's going to take like seven days or 14 days or 22 days because it rained one day. It's just going to take a while. That's okay. It's all right. It's never forgetting. I'm not, there may be parts of me I got to change. Cool. But my core essence, the core person who I am, dude, I'm not, I'm not going to, I'm not going to put a lid on that just to try to get temporary approval because that always,

always ends in chaos and ash. And you, my friend, are worth more than that. It's awesome. Thank you for calling. You're a brave woman, Ashley. We'll be right back. Hey, what's up? Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious or burned out or chronically stressed at some point. In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you

so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life. Get your copy today at johndeloney.com. All right, as we wrap up today's show, literally, my friends loved Poison, and I've come around. They're definitely one of my greats. But my band was Tesla. Not the car, the rock band. And if you don't know Tesla, what are you doing with your life? But I came out with a great record called the five-man acoustical jam that changed my life. And in so many ways, I should probably do a whole show on that record one day. And on that song, on that record, I was introduced to a song called love song.

And it was on another record, but man, it goes like this. So you think that it's over, that your love has finally reached the end. Anytime you call, night or day, I'll be right there for you if you need a friend. It's going to take a little time. Time is sure to mend your broken heart, but don't you even worry, pretty darling, because I know you'll find love again. Love is all around you. It's knocking outside your door, waiting for you. It's a love made just for two.

Keep an open heart. You'll find love again, I know. What a great tune. Love you guys. Stay in school. Bye.