The Dr. John Delony Show - I Feel Totally Alone

Episode Date: April 1, 2024

On this episode, we hear about: -       A man who is successful at work but deeply depressed -       A chronic overachiever facing a distressing lack of motivation -       A mom struggling to like her preteen daughter Next Steps   📝 We want to know what you think—take our show survey! https://ramsey.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_bEMr4fI8ChJQTRk?source=pd  📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or click here! 📚 Get Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Take the Anxiety Test  📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future  ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards  💭 John's Free Guided Meditation   Offers From Today's Sponsors   ·      10% off your first month of therapy at BetterHelp  ·      3 free months of Hallow  ·      25% off Thorne orders  ·      Up to $400 in savings on an Eight Sleep bundle  ·      Check out Organifi!   Listen to More From Ramsey Network   🎙️ The Ramsey Show   🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💡 The Rachel Cruze Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights 💰 George Kamel 💼 The Ken Coleman Show 📈 EntreLeadership   Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy https://www.ramseysolutions.com/company/policies/privacy-policy

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. At work, I feel confident and competent, but as soon as I get home, I feel like I turn into a slug. I try my best, and it's never enough for anybody, you know? Hear me say this as directly as I've said anything on this show ever. The world will not be a better place with you going. What is going on? What's going on? What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney show, where we're talking about your marriage, your mental health, your emotional health, finding some sort of path in the chaos that is our current world. Lucky for us, we don't

have a presidential election coming up, so that's cool. Man, if you are like most people, you're struggling, you're trying to figure out how to be a better husband, be a better wife, be a better partner, be a better parent, a teacher, whatever's going on in your world, that's what this show's about. Sitting with real people, going through through real challenges and trying to figure out what's the next best thing we could do moving forward. If you want to be on the show, give me a call 1-844-693-3291 to 1-844-693-3291. We talk about anything and everything, parenting, sex, relationships, dating, all of it. Your kids' schools, your mental health, whatever you got going on in your life, give us a buzz. Go to johndeloney.com slash ask, A-S-K, if you'd rather

write it in. And don't forget, like literally, I got to say this. Well, number one, I just said literally, like the kids these days are doing. So I retract that literally, but I can't stand it when I order something and I complete a transaction and I give them money and they give me a product and then they send me a survey because they want to know how they did and can they do better? And can we be friends? And do I want them to come over to my house and text me every night? No, I just want to give you money for the thing because I wanted the thing, but I don't want to like, I don't know. I just don't want you to come over. And so I get that I'm asking you to fill out a survey. It's like, oh, geez, we're the most surveyed group in human history, but it does matter. If you'll please take a second and text SURVEY, S-U-R-V-E-Y to 33789. The team is going to go through your thoughts on what you love about the show, what type of guests

you would like to see on the show, topics you'd like to see on the show, and how we can best love and serve each one of you, the listener, better. And so, survey to 33789, and I promise we're not going to beat you up, and we're not going to overly text you and be dramatic. I know most of you don't want to be my friend. I want to be your friend. But most of you don't want to be my friend. You just want to listen to a good show. And so, that's what we're doing here, but I want to make this show as good as we possibly can. So, thank you so, so much for letting us add another survey to your life. And I'm going to flip around the screen and just ask you a few questions.

Don't do it. Don't do it. Kelly, you had a rough night last night. Yeah. What happened? Rough night in the Daniel household. So my daughter has special needs. My special needs daughter has strep. So just about the time my husband said, hey, I think I see some white spots in her throat. I'm going to take her to the clinic. Great. So my son was taking the dog out.

And then they had an issue. And he ran and the retractable leash yanked him back. The dog, not my son. And the dog slammed into the little dog, he's like 20 pounds, slammed into the concrete step going up to the house and then yelped. And then when we brought him inside, it was shaking and yelping and clearly in pain. So while my husband was taking my daughter to the walk-in clinic, we were taking the dog to the emergency vet.

And so it was a long night in the Daniel house. A long, expensive night. Yeah. The emergency vets are, yeah. Usually you can trade your firstborn child to, uh, the emergency vet, but she was sick with COVID or with strep. So they were not interested. I tried. Um, they were like, no, she's sick right now. We're good. But, oh, is that why your hair is all shaved off? Cause you had to trade your locks. All of them. No, is that why your hair is all shaved off? Because you had to trade your locks? All of them. No, but that is why I did a ponytail this morning because I did not get up and work out because I did not get to bed till late.

Are you kidding me? I'm totally playing. Well, with her special needs so that she was struggling to understand why she wasn't getting all of the attention last night because the dog was also hurt. And so she had some issues last night where she was creating a little bit of a ruckus because she doesn't feel well. So it was just, it was a lot last night. So. Lucky for you, you get to come to work. Right. Where everything is easy. And work with a guy who is totally sane and still. And everything goes perfect all the time. That's, when people think of me, they think, man, when I'm with that guy, everything goes perfect. He has got it together. That's what people think. Never has anyone said those words. Let's go to Washington and talk to Tristan. What up, Tristan? Hey, Dr. John, how are you? I'm good, man. How are you? I've been better, but

I'm a little nervous well I appreciate you appreciate your trust man how can I help oh well so let it rip dude let it rip I feel I feel um you know I feel like two different like I'm two different people living in the same body, kind of like, um, at work, I feel confident and competent and I'm ambitious. But as soon as I get home, I feel like I turn into a slug, you know, like I just, I, I lose all motivation to do anything. I kind of just mope around. And, yeah, I just don't understand what's going on necessarily. Do you have a family? Do you have wife, kids, spouse, girlfriend, boyfriend?

Just you? I'm single. Okay. I've been single for a few months. You said that in a defeated way. Tell me about that. Well, the last relationship I had didn't end well. I felt...

I mean, I want to speak about her as positively as I can because I don't think it was all her fault. But it's hard the way things ended not to feel kind of negative about it. Um, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. Who told you it's not okay to feel negative? Uh, I guess it's just me. I, I don't, I don't like harboring those kind of feelings about it. It just seems kind of irresponsible in a way, because I understand that, you know, I made some mistakes, but, uh, yeah, you know, when, when, when it first ended, I, I felt like I tried my best, you know, and I, I did everything I possibly could for her, but it still wasn't enough.

And that's kind of how a lot of things feel in my personal life nowadays. It feels like, you know, just family, friends. I feel like I try my best and it's never enough for anybody, you know? And so how much, how much, how much of it is this? No, don't do, don't apologize to me, man. You're good. You're you're you've made it to where your whole life is an apology. And at least in this interaction with me, bro, you don't have to apologize for anything okay i'm really glad that you called um how much is it with work you have a very clear um job to do and you have very clear metrics on

what success is and when you get outside of work, the only metric you've determined is that you're not very good at stuff, and so you begin chasing how something's going to feel. And that becomes a moving target that you can never reach to the point that you just are like, man, I suck at this. I'm failing all the time.

Does that ring true? Yeah. Yeah, probably. What that usually signals is somebody is hoping or dreaming or expecting something out there. A mom, a dad, a brother, a sister, a cousin, a nephew, a girlfriend, somebody to make me feel whole. And the crummy, scary part of that is it doesn't work that way. It works from the inside out. Yeah, I understand that. But it's tough.

I'll get done from a 14, 16-hour shift, and I'll get home, and there's nobody there to say hi. I just think, why am I working so hard? Because it's not just for me. If it's just for me, then what's the point? If all I had to worry about in my life was myself, then I'd do just enough so I could buy food and play video games all day and be a bum, you know? Right. But it's not. That's not who you are.

But listen, brother. A, loneliness is real. I'm going to 100% give you that. It's a dark, hollow place to come home to nobody and to have no buddies to call, to have no friends to call, to have no love to hold. It's scary how hollow it can be. And if you haven't fully metabolized your breakup if you haven't sat in I broke I got my heart broken and instead of started saying things like well it's not efficient it's not a good use of my time and you try to duct tape it over your body's gonna drag you underwater because it has to go through that experience to get to the other side. Yeah. Do you have a group of buddies that you can call

and go have a drink with to go hang out with? Not really. I mean, I have people I could try. Ultimately, here's the question you have to answer. Are you worth as much effort as you put into your job? Because if you say yes to that, then awesome. Then you're going to start a series of activities where you're going to put yourself in position to intentionally or unintentionally stumble into relationships with other people. I'm going to start going to the gym. I'm going to only work 15 hours instead of 16 hours, and I'm going to invite a couple of dudes out once a week. I'm going to always get the fights at my apartment,

and maybe only one dude shows up, but maybe two or maybe three. Or I'm going to have game night at my house, whatever the weird things that you're going to go first and just be awkward about. But similar to if your boss gave you a task and you didn't know how to do it, you value that job and that performance and that metric so much that you will find a way to get it done. That's who you are.

You just have to decide, I'm worth that much investment too. And when you get your heart broken, it's easy to use that as the metric, right? That is the net worth of you. And that tends to color and shape everything, right? Yeah. And it's not just, it wasn't just her either.

It's been your whole life. How long have you not liked you? Oh, man. It's been a minute. Where did it start? Where did it start? Probably when I was little. I can't really pinpoint the time and a place, but yeah, my

childhood sometime. So how can you expect other people to find value in something that you don't value? I don't know how though. I don't, I don't know, man. It's like, I don't know. Yeah, you do say it. Well, I just, it's just hard,

you know? I feel like the time, you know, the times I try to, it just feels like the actions of, and I don't want to be somebody who's just negative about everything and everybody in my life.

Quit apologizing. Just say it, man. Say it. You get to say it on this one. Be negative for a second. Let it rip. I feel like the actions of those around me just trained me or my body,

at least to kind of reject anything like that you know because i know mentally i understand everything you're telling me but it's hard to motivate myself to do it because my body it just feels like my body rejects it you know yeah it does and when you've created a whole world where the metric is how you feel when your body tries to get your attention and say this doesn't feel good then you shut down but if for a season you push through the feelings and say all right i feel you don't want to do this we're going to do it anyway and your body starts sounding every alarm it has to try to get your attention it makes you anxious it makes you not want to get out from under the covers.

It makes you want to need to go count the locks, count the locks, count the locks. Whatever the thing it's trying to do to get you to avoid putting yourself out there because your body learned, don't do this. This will get us hurt. You've probably heard me say this on the show, but those things that kept you safe as a kid

are going to destroy your adulthood. They don't work anymore. The juke move you used on the peewee football field will get your head taken off on a professional field. And that's just where we are.

All that means is, man, you just got to learn some new skills. But you have put so much weight on this thing that every time you walk home

and open the door and there's nobody there, that that is a direct, that's like your bank statement showing you that you're overdrawn again, that you're a failure. You're a failure. Every time you open your door. And I just need you to hear me say, those are the wrong metrics, man. Would you agree that you found yourself where you need some new skills? Yeah. Okay. Awesome. What do you need some new skills? Yeah. Okay.

Awesome. What do you do for a living? I'm a field technician for a testing and engineering company. I don't even know what that is that you just said. And so if you hired me to be a field testing engineer firm compadre guy, I would have to learn a whole bunch of new, I'd have to learn what the job is, but I'd have to learn some new skills.

Right? No. Here's the part that you're not going to like. I don't see a path. This is just me loving you as best I can. You're going to have to sit down with a professional and walk through it. Because my promise to you is there is a

bunch of hurt that you're not telling me about. Is that fair? Yeah. I just don't have the time. I'm going to tell you right now, brother, you don't have the time not to. You don't have that luxury. How close are you to the edge?

And be honest with me. Tristan, how close are you to the edge? I'm doing better now, but... Pretty close. Okay. Do you have a plan? Not really. I don't think I believe you on that one.

Do you have a plan? Or just a fantasy at this point? I don't think I believe you on that one You have a plan? Or just a fantasy at this point? Well I need to see somebody But I was hoping to do it in person Because Every time I try it online

It just Doesn't help I got you I feel like tried on mine, it just doesn't help. I got you. I feel like. Will you make me a promise that you'll see somebody within, before the day's over, in person? A professional?

Yeah, you need to go to a hospital today. I have to work. I'm telling you right now, you got to go to a hospital today, brother. All right. Or I'll tell you. Where do I go? Unfortunately for you, you called the wrong guy. Okay?

Yeah. And I'm really, really grateful that you did hear me say this as directly as I've said anything on this show ever the world will not be a better place with you going do you hear me yeah I hear you you don't have to believe me I don't care right now

There will be a huge Gaping hole in the world If you're gone And I also know You're hurting so bad And you just want it to stop Right? Sometimes yeah

Okay You're not crazy. Do you have a counselor that you talk to regularly? No, sir. Okay. Do you have a primary care physician? Do you have a doctor? Maybe.

No, not really. Okay. Well, not really. Okay. Well, I want you to hang on the line here, and we're going to get you connected to somebody that can find you some resources there in your local area, okay? If it comes to it at the end of the day, you walk into the emergency room and you tell them, as boldly as you can.

I am strongly considering hurting myself or taking my life and I need some help. Do I have your word on that? Yes, sir. Okay. You're going to call in sick today? And the field technician group team, compadres, whatever, they're going to be just fine.

Cool? Yeah. Okay. And if you get through with whatever this looks like, if it's 24 hours, if it's a couple of days, I don't care. And the whole time you can hate me, you can be so mad at me, and I don't care. You know why?

Because on the other end of this thing, at least you'll still be here to be mad at me, and I'm all good with that. I love you too much. Okay? I don't know. I don't know who could hate you, sir. Just read the YouTube comments, man. They're there. They're there.

Well, I appreciate it. We got a deal? Yes, sir. All right.. They're there. We got a deal? Yes, sir. All right. Today's step one. I cannot express to you how proud of you I am. Okay? Got it?

Thank you. Got it. Do I have your promise that you're going to be here in 30 days for us to circle back and talk again? Yeah. Say, I promise I will be here in 30 days to talk again with you I promise I'll be here in 30 days to talk again with you awesome and for the average person listening to this they didn't catch it I know that was hard to say one this. They didn't catch it. I know that was hard to say, wasn't it? Sometimes it's impossible. I know. I just ruined your whole plan. Too bad. Too bad, homie. Cool? Yeah, cool. All right. Hang on the line, my brother. I love you. I mean, I'm just in awe of you. I'm proud of you. Thank you, sir. Okay.

Today is step one. And I'll talk to you in 30 days, and I'm looking forward to it. I'm going to put it on my calendar. Okay. And on the line, brother. We're going to get you connected. I'll be right back. It's time to talk about Organifi.

All right. Here's one of my main life goals. I want to be as healthy as possible for as long as possible. I want to be that old semi balding guy in the back of the mosh pit. And I also want to be that old guy dancing with his beautiful wife into my eighties. And I want to be able to roll around with my grandkids and some WWE style wrestling match into my nineties. And that's why right now I exercise, I work on my friendships, and I try to eat and drink things that only have safe, high quality, high integrity ingredients.

And this is why I love Organifi. They're incredibly selective about what goes into their whole food blends. And Organifi gives you ingredients with integrity, plant-based, certified organic, vegan, dairy-free, soy-free, and glyphosate residue-free. By the way, that's a pesticide you don't want anywhere near you. And it's simple to get the health benefits with Organifi. You just mix with water or your favorite beverage

and drink it down. You can take their green juice first thing in the morning to balance stress and get ready for your day. And you can take Organifi red juice in the afternoon or before a workout for natural sustained energy and endurance. And I love my happy drops every day for natural mood support with saffron extract. Go to Organifi.com slash Deloney right now to save 20% off at checkout with code DELONI. That's Organifi, O-R-G-A-N-I-F-I dot com slash DELONI and code DELONI for 20% off. All right, we're back.

Let's go out to Mindy in Phoenix, Arizona. Hey, Mindy, what's going on? Hi, Dr. John. Thank you for taking my call. You know, I recently, I've always been like a really high achiever. I mean, really high. And recently the wheels have come off the bus and I just, I need some help.

And I don't mean burnout because I've had burnout before, but this is different. This is really different. I just can't get back on the horse. What happened? What knocked the wheels off? What did you have to do? This is really different. I just can't get back on the horse. What happened? What knocked the wheels off? Well, I run marathons and I've had injuries before, but I had a stress fracture when training for a January marathon, it occurred in November. And it's like it's been a domino effect. And I'm a super, super involved person. I work a high stress job in emergency services. I'm a mom to two amazing kids, a wife. I'm president of our PPA. I work with my church youth group. I mean, I am doing it all. You're so awesome. I love it. I love it.

I get up super early to go run, and then, you know, this break happens. Injuries are normal, but I don't know why. I just can't. It's like I lost all motivation for everything. Yeah. And it's not me. It's absolutely not me. What if it is? I'm me. What if it is?

I'm sorry? What if it is? If it is me not to put my all into everything? No, that hasn't been me for 42 years. What if, um, let me say it like this. Um, what if finally your body's trying to get your attention and tell you the truth that all of those things are awesome and all those things that you're doing are valuable and doing all those things at the same time are going to kill you. I mean, that's really conflicting. Why is that? Because who are you without all those things? Yeah, kind of. Yeah.

Who told you that you are somewhere out there? I guess myself. No, somebody put that story in your heart and mind. That your value is in finish lines. Oh. I mean, probably my parents. Or grades, or beauty, or all these external things. I mean, my whole family is really high achieving. Okay.

I think it probably stems from that. What's the rate of cancer and or cardiovascular and or autoimmune disease in your family? Oh, well, autoimmune is huge. Yeah. Huge. That's a body trying to take you offline to keep itself alive. There's a point when exercise and training is stress. That's what it is, right?

You're stressing your body, and it then gets stronger or faster. It adapts so that it can handle that stress again. And if you're training for something, you continue to put it under load. That's awesome. But any physiological minded coach and or like a trainer with expertise will tell you running a marathon is fine, but it's not healthy. It's not great for you. It's a thing you can do and achieve, especially if you build the right environment around it. But the number of folks that we read about, that I've sat with,

who are high stress, high performers, who then get off work and go try to run a triathlon and then get home and try to be super mom and then try to get home and be super mom and then try to get home and be super sexy, connected wife or husband, and then be super parent. That is a recipe for,

and that tells me that somebody who has put their entire outsource, their entire self-worth into metrics, external metrics. And so who's Mindy when things are just quiet and you're just sitting there by a fire with a book? Oh, I can't. Yeah. I don't even watch movies or anything because I can't just sit there and do nothing. I have to be working on something at the same time. I don't think it's...

All right. I'm going to challenge you head on. It's not part of my matrix. Well, it has to be because your body's going to force you into it. In counseling, we call it leakage, which I know is a terrible word, but it will find a way out. Either you can deal with it or it will find a way out. And usually it deal with it or it will find a way out. And usually it finds a way out at real inopportune times. But your body will eventually, if you're a strong minded person

and especially somebody like you that is running from something and the way to run from it is to achieve and you've experienced this over the course of your life. There is no promotion. There's no dollar amount. There's no marathon time. All a PR does in your marathon is just set the stage for the next one.

And the promotion just sets the stage for, all right, well, how do we get to the next one? And the dollar amount's like, cool, now we got $200,000. Let's get to three. Right? So when you're outsourcing it that way, your body will shut you down. It'll override you because it has to. And so I'm going to challenge you to say,

sometimes the hardest work you can do, or let me put it this way. Let me give you an analogy that's in your world. You're running a marathon. Someone tells you this is a really challenging course. Do you just not run it? Or do you go find a place where there's hills and practice there? Which one of those paths do you take?

Oh, hills, of course. Of course. What do you do for a living? Give me a broad context so you don't identify yourself. I'm in emergency services. Okay. Zero to 60 all the time that's right so if a complicated um emergency comes through the door and you run up to it and it's pretty tough do you go heesh i'm not gonna try on this one or do you scrub up and go all in?

All in. That's right. And so, you know, from your personal life and your, um, uh, athletic life,

that the challenge is the, the hard path is where the strength comes from, right? It's where growth happens. So for you, it's serving your world and finding the hardest path. And so the hardest work you've got to do right now is learn to sit still with Mindy. And the same as I'll tell somebody, you've got to start moving. You have to start exercising.

You've got to start moving you have to start exercising you got to start you got to start walking at least i'm telling you you got to start sitting down and writing you have to start sitting down and reading a book you got to sit down and color with your kids i don't care how old they are by the way even if they're teenagers yeah and put music on and feel your body screaming on the inside that you need to go be productive. That's your path. I feel uncomfortable even thinking about it. I know you do. But you have to see this conversation we're having is the same exact conversation I would have with somebody who's struggling with gambling. Oh.

It's the same one. It's the same one. It's the same conversation. I never put myself in that same category. I know. Wow. Because if you're running from yourself or you're trying to duct tape over the fact that you don't love who you see in the mirror and you really don't trust anybody else in your life who tells you they do, if you too much we send you to aa if you do heroin if you do an opiate to try to duct tape

over it we send you to jail but dude if you get a job in emergency surgery emergency services we'll give you five hundred thousand dollars and we'll give you a gold medal for running a marathon that next weekend that's the demon it's the same pathology and I'm not telling you not to push it I'm somebody who loves to push it my friend Michael Easter calls it burning the ships but instead of doing it every day now I do it once

a week sometimes once every two weeks can I let you in on a dirty secret about today sure I slept in an extra 45 minutes and did nothing Sometimes once every two weeks. Can I let you in on a dirty secret about today? Sure. I slept in an extra 45 minutes and did nothing. No exercise. You know why?

Because I needed it. I've been running too hard. And I felt like a loser. And I felt like I was full of crap. And I felt like a charlatan. And I let those voices do their worst. And then I went and did the next right thing. That's exactly how I feel.

I know. You have any idea where that story started? Sometimes pulling the string all the way back to the origin helps just clip it. I had a chaotic childhood. Yeah. And you found chaos out of order and achievement, right? I mean, you found, not chaos,

but you found stability out of order and achievement. Yeah, and I think some escape. My mom was borderline. I have a brother who's bipolar and my dad was in the military, so he was gone a lot. And being the eldest,

it was my job to help. No, it wasn't. It was your job to be the foundation. You weren't helping. You held it all together, Mindy. I've worked closely with people with borderline. And one day you were the best daughter of all time. And it felt like you were covered in a warm blanket.

And the next day you're the worst kid that ever existed. I can't believe you're my daughter. And that's a tough, tough way for a baby girl to grow up. Yeah. And I think I have been overachieving since I can remember. Yeah. Because the things you didn't get from home, you got from coaches. And you got from teachers.

And you got from bosses, right? Probably, and just the chaos of home. I just, it was, no matter how hard an activity was, it was easier than being at home. Yeah. And. Is your husband safe? Completely. My first marriage was not, think i think you get drawn

to chaos yeah i grew up in chaos yeah the way i just the way i don't describe it this way all people who work with married couples describe it as you marry your unfinished business there's a part of your body that tries to solve what happened as a child with your adult relationships and you just repeat the cycle. Yeah, but luckily I try to be a very good mom and when I realized it was affecting my kids, I got out. Good for you. My kids were in danger and I got us out and I've remarried to an amazing man who is nothing but supportive and kind.

So I really lucked out this time. Okay. Maybe you lucked out or maybe you challenged yourself and did the next hard right thing, which is to break the cycle. There's probably times you make it pretty hard on him to be even keel and safe and stable right me does the chaos ever come out um you're like no i gotta lock down john i gotta lock down

no i mean i i think it comes out in me just probably not being as present as I should be because I'm trying to do everything and be everything to everyone. All right. So there it is. I don't consider myself to be at all angry or- No, no, no. I don't think you're angry at all. I think you're terrified of stillness. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, if anything, that's probably his biggest complaint is we can't have a nice evening. So here's what this looks like. Here's the exercise I want you and your husband to do together The the here's two sucky things for you and i'm saying him with a smile on my face You will not be healed through more activity And you will not be able to do this all by yourself which are two things that are going to haunt you for a while.

You can only heal from this moving forward by practicing stillness and letting somebody love and care for you for real. Not just provide a home base so that you can launch out into the world again, and you're going to have to do this with somebody. And I know that sucks to hear. That's the truth. So here's the exercise. I want you and your husband to go out to a nice dinner. Actually, it's a nice breakfast if you could, because there's something different about the sun coming up and y'all can stay a little bit longer. And if you need childcare, cool.

Figure that out. But here's the exercise. In a fantasy world, what would we want our home to feel like? One random Thursday evening when both of us got home from work. What do I want it to feel like? Not what do we want it to do? Where do we want to be in five years?

No, no, no, no, no, no. At our home. No, I know. I know. I mean, I want home to feel like you went to the best resort ever and stress-free and you've got nothing on the agenda. I mean, that would be ideal. Okay. So there's, um, there's a, he, he has a

great podcast. His name is Chris Williamson. And one of the questions he asks is not what do you want, but what do you want to want? Cause what I want is more money and a new car and a bigger house. That's what I want. But what I want to want is peace. What I want to want is warmth and laughter in my house and my kids being goofy because they're kids and my wife giving me that side eye that lets me know it's our little secret. And so what must be true for that to be real? That means I got to get off all the boards I was on. I know, but I can't, I can't serve them and be present in my home and on and on and on. That means I had to cut my workouts back, which means I had to adjust my diet. Big freaking deal. And I begin to find peace, not in collapsing from exhaustion, but I found peace

from the inside out. Actually, I'm still finding it. I think I've talked about on the show, but I had a counselor ask me once after some really tough seasons, some hard work, she said, what are you, tell me what you're feeling like? And I said, I know this isn't clinically accurate, but I had a counselor ask me once after some really tough seasons, some hard work. She said, tell me what you're feeling like. And I said, I know this isn't clinically accurate, but I feel like I'm depressed. I feel like I'm just running low. And she smiled and she goes, that is what regular normal life feels like.

You've never felt it before. And that's what you're gonna have to practice. So you're gonna have to practice, Mindy. It's a new skill set. Honestly, you're not going to like this. I don't know a path forward for you without sitting down with a counselor of some sort, a therapist of some sort. Not forever.

Not forever. Of course not forever. But just to practice some new skills. But I love the idea of sitting with your husband and saying, how do you want this thing to feel like and what must be true? When I get home, the phone goes in a drawer. I don't answer it. For six months, I'm going to try being on no boards.

I'm going to resign my position on every board I'm on. Every time I lose somebody in my emergency job, I'm going to talk to somebody. I'm going to commit to it. Every time I do something in pediatrics with kids, I'm going to talk to somebody about it. I'm going to take six months off from marathon training and I'm just going to heal. I'm going to go to PT and do yoga and on and on and on. This is a long-term play, but the next hardest thing for you is not an adventure race and it's not a triathlon. The next hardest thing for you is peace. It's rest.

It's coming to terms with the fact that your worth isn't out there. It's intrinsic. It's inside of you. My goal is when you're 84, you look back, you can still roll around on the floor with your grandkids and you want to. You can get up and go for a run if you need to. You can also just kick back and have a slow morning and have coffee and some pancakes if you want to also. It's about freedom and peace. Hang on the line, Mindy. I'm going to send you both of my books. We'll get you hooked up. That just says my gift. Call anytime.

Have that dinner with your husband. Let me know how it goes. We'll be right back. Hey, good folks. Let's talk about hallow. All right. I say this all the time. It's important to get away for times of prayer and meditation by yourself with no one else around. But one thing you might not think about though, is maintaining a sense of community when you pray or meditate. And this is especially if you don't consider yourself religious, if you question things, or if you've been burned by a church experience in the past, it's hard to want to get together with other people. And that's another reason why I love Hallow. You can personalize your

prayer experience with Hallow and they give you three free months to do it. You can pray or meditate by yourself, or you can connect with friends, with family, a prayer group, or some other community that you choose. And this way you can share prayers, share meditations. You can even share journal reflections to grow in your faith together with others. And with Hallow, there are other ways you can personalize the app.

They have downloadable offline sessions and links ranging from one minute up to an hour. And you can listen where it works for your schedule. You can choose your guide, your background music. You can create your own personal prayer plan and more. I've made it a personal point to begin my day every single day with the hallow meditation on the scripture of the day.

It's a discipline and it's a practice, and here's what I'm learning. As with anything of importance and meaning, prayer takes intentionality, practice, and showing up even when I don't feel like it and even I don't want to. This is discipline. Sometimes you do this by yourself

and sometimes you do this with a group and Hallow helps you with both. Download the number one prayer app on planet earth, Hallow, right now. And listen, viewers and listeners of this show get three free months when you go to halo.com slash Deloney. It's amazing. Three free months of the app when you go to halo.com slash Deloney. Go right now and change your life. All right, let's go out to Oklahoma City and talk

to Elaine. What's up, Elaine? Hi, Dr. John. How are you? I'm fantastic. How about you? Oh, very well. Just anxiously awaiting the unknown here. You said that so well. Fantastic. What's up? How can I help? Well, may I dive into the couple of sentences that I sent in, or do you want me to just start with my original question? You just go wherever you want to go. Okay. I haven't seen any notes or anything, so you and I are just entering into this cold. Let's just do it.

Okay, let's go. I got just a short thing here. It says, how do I connect and bond with my almost teen daughter when I don't like her or enjoy being around her? I said, I cannot hug my daughter without it feeling forced. Even though she's a really good kid, I can hug my younger boys, no problem. And I have a lot of guilt and shame about this. I can go through a hundred reasons why I don't like her, all the annoying and frustrating things preteens do, I'm sure. But I've listened to your show long enough to know that she's just a kid and the problem has to be me. She's a copied image of me as a kid.

I see a lot of the awkward social traits and insecurities that I had. I see them now in her. I don't want my life for her and I don't want to repeat the toxic relationship I had with my now estranged mother. I love my daughter, but I don't know how to show her love that I desperately want to. How hard was that to say out loud? Extremely. Yeah. I'm proud of you for saying that That was tough

Thank you So How old is she? 12, 13? She's about to turn 13 next month Okay What about you Did you really start to despise

When you were 11, 12, and 13? I knew you were going to ask me that. So I was diagnosed recently with ADHD, and it has answered so many questions. Oh, my gosh. You're so good already. You're already avoiding it. You're avoiding it. What is it?

11, 12, 13. The awkward social interactions that I think stemmed from that. Maybe. I don't know. No, no, no, no. Hold on, hold on, hold on. You're trying to go back and solve it. I don't want to solve it.

Okay. I want to sit in it. And it's uncomfortable as a social interaction for 12-year-olds. You spent your whole life trying to avoid being awkward because you felt every move you made is awkward. And now you have a carbon copy of yourself who's awkward and your body's GPS pin is ringing off the hook. And so I want you to go back and be awkward.

Be 12 again. What was it? Do you have braces? Was your hair weird? Do you have a big forehead? Your boobs not big enough? What was it? What was it? Do you have braces? Was your hair weird? Do you have a big forehead? Your boobs not big enough? What was it? What was it?

I was definitely the ugly duckling. Okay. What made you ugly? Big, thick glasses. What made you ugly? Big, thick glasses, crooked teeth, cavities. My parents didn't start helping me take care of that until well into high school. Grew up pretty poor.

Didn't have cool clothes. I didn't fit in with any group. And I see that with her now. She has friends in each group, but she doesn't have a friend. Does that make sense? Totally. She's just always the extra one bouncing around. And I was just like that also.

How do you know? She tells me for one and I can see it. Like it's always, these two girls are doing this. These two girls are doing this. They invited me here, you know, it's middle school. It sucks doing this. These two girls are doing this. They invited me here. You know, it's middle school.

It sucks anyway. Yeah, it's the worst. It's the worst. But it can be extra worse when you impose your experience on your kid. Fair. And so you may have felt left out completely. And by the way, being left out as a kid had a whole sociocultural context to it. It involved your family, it involved in your situation, the glasses and the cavities and I don't. But I had an experience with my son. This is a couple of years ago. Every single morning, I was like, dude, turn your shirt around.

Turn your shirt around. How's your shirt on inside out and backwards? And finally, I looked at him and said, hey, here's the deal. I love you. And I'm hurting our relationship by continuing to poke on this. And I looked at him and smiled and said,

I'm going to release you to the middle school wolves. Best of luck to you. And he didn't care. They don't care. I was like, man, if I had worn my shirt backwards one time, they'd still call me backwards shirt John.

They'd have some vulgar thing they'd call me. And his buddies were like, yeah, that's just him. It's just eye rolls. And so all I have to say is the thing that would have got me killed as a middle schooler is just different now. And some of them are very similar. But what I want you to absorb is her experience isn't your experience, even if it feels similar. Okay.

Is that fair? It is, yes. Do you have her friends over to your house? Do you help curate some of those experiences for her that were different than how you grew up? I do. I allow her friends to come over fairly often. Okay. I try to give her, I tell her I'll give her as much freedom

as I feel like she can handle she goes to their house to the movies every once in a while try to let her get out and interact have I have you

I don't know if I've told it on the show or not I get kind of confused sometimes have you heard the story about me and my daughter and hugging I don't think so okay my dirty secret

up until last year was that my daughter wouldn't hug me here I am with this top five podcast on parenting and relationships and marriage and home life and my own daughter wouldn't hug me. Here I am with this top five podcast on parenting and relationships and marriage and home life. And my own daughter wouldn't hug me. She's eight, but she was six, seven at the time, five, six, seven. Wouldn't do it. And one day my wife mentioned, she's like, John, you're always talking about neuroception. This idea that you have an

alarm, I mean, a radar going off 24, seven, 365, scanning the world for, do I belong and am I safe? And she said, I see our little girl look at you and she loves you. But something in her tiny little body tells her that you're not safe. And I was like, that's crazy. I don't yell. I don't scream. I don't swear at my kids. I don't hit anybody. I'm as gentle as they come and my wife said this she said yeah

John but you have a nuclear reactor in your chest and that little girl feels that and I got pissed off and I went and found the best therapist I have a resource here so but the best therapist in Nashville, Tennessee. And I went and sat down and plopped down on her couch and I was like, this is what this said. And I ended up with about six months of the most intensive trauma therapy I could possibly imagine.

And I said some things out loud that I'd never told anybody, Elaine. I have been going to therapy for about a year and a half now. Have you told the truth? Hold on. Have you told the truth? Yes, I have. All of it? As far as I know, that's what comes up. I don't, I don't get to see her as often as I would like. Pretty, pretty high demand around here, therapists and counselors everywhere probably. And I have, I've had, I've said that out loud and she's basically told me I do, because I see a lot of my mother's parenting come out in me and she just says, I'm doing what I know that, that's, you know, what I resort back to,

which I get it, but I don't like it. So self-awareness has been top of my list. Just because you still, I would, you know, have one of my screaming fits, you know, and this is y'all's fault. Y'all, you know, pushed me to this. And now I'm like, no, no, no, this is not y'all's fault. I'm controlling my emotions.

I'm trying to do better. Have you ever taken your daughter out and just a private one-on-one breakfast or lunch and looked her in the eye and said, I'm so sorry. I screwed this up. I don't know that I have specifically set her down,

but there have been times in the car over the last several months where I've... Car doesn't count because you're not making eye contact. Okay. You're shoulder to shoulder. I want her to feel a sense of intentionality and a sense of safety. I want her to feel safe. Right. I want her to feel a sense of intentionality and a sense of safety. I want her to feel safe. Right. I want her to feel loved.

You know, she doesn't even hardly let me touch her. I'll reach out to, you know, my fingers to her hair or things like that. And I'm like, have I pushed her to that or is that normal kid stuff? I don't know. I mean, every kid has their different level of sensitivity to touch and that's okay. But if a kid knows mom needs this or she's not okay,

that's a heavy burden for a kid to carry. I don't want to put that on them. I know. And if her nervous system, after 10 years or 11 years of screaming and this is your fault and I can't believe you did this. Yeah. She has developed a nervous system that has labeled you as reactive.

That would be completely accurate. And some kids, listen, some kids approach reactive adults by making straight A's and being perfect. Yep, that's her. Or that's your little boys. Sure, mom, because they know how to calm the dragon. If all it takes to have some peace in the house is mom needs to pet my hair, great, knock it out. And some people can't enter into that space and so they back out but all of that revolves around what you said at the beginning of the call you and it's being

intentional about i'm going to create a safe safe home and for you right now that means I have to do those things so that I can get all the way upstream. And then when I come home, I have peace. Not always that you're not frustrated or that you hold your kids accountable. You're still going to have to challenge your kids if they're not pulling their weight around the house, et cetera, et cetera. That doesn't mean take all the responsibilities and accountability away. That just means I'm going to be a stable presence here, period. Flexible, stable, period. And that means with your daughter walking in and saying, hey, I want to go spend some time together.

And that means probably making it a regular, we're going to do breakfast every week I'm going to send you all the questions for humans cards for parents and kids just my gift I'll even send you the school ones for elementary school and for middle school and high school

and you can use them all they'll work great for parents and kids. But just taking the cards with you to breakfast. Asking her, hey, I want to start reading more books. What's a book you like? And go read it. Even if it's about dragon fantasy fiction, go read it. And then be like, we're talking about this

because I think you're Team Edward or whatever. I don't know. That's vampire fantasy fiction, Go read it. And then be like, we're talking about this because I think you're Team Edward or whatever. I don't know. That's vampire fantasy fiction, but who knows. See what I'm saying? We'll figure it out. Here's what we're doing. We're going to build bridges to our kids. Or as my wife put it, what if you focused on just being likable? Somebody wanted to be around.

Likable doesn't mean pushover. Likable doesn't mean not a parent. apparent Likeable means If you come in and your hair is crazy I'm going to let you rock and roll dude I'm not going to say anything about that Okay If you come in and your shoes are weird

Or your pants are too short You're going into high school now Knock your lights out It's hard not to criticize Exactly But if somebody criticizes you every time you walk into work you don't want to be around them

absolutely and I've told people before you know like halfway joking like well you know I'm not ready for summer to be over but I'm sure my kids are ready to get away from me too yeah they definitely are I don't want to be like that my whole relationship to you has been about criticism

and maybe for the first time you talked to her about your childhood. I've tried to be open. I struggle with how much to talk to her about, but I want her to know that I can relate to what she's going through. Sure. And I have told her before, like I want this. I mean, obviously she realized that my mom is not in our life anymore. So I just try to tell her I want us to do better. And then she needs to not only know, when you say I want us to do better,

a kid walks away from that saying, okay, I need to fix this. And so I don't use the language, hey, me and teenage daughter, I want us to be better. I'm the parent. I'm the adult. Hey and teenage daughter, I want us to be better. I'm the parent. I'm the adult. Hey, teenage daughter, I've messed this up. I've made all of our interactions about criticism, about you don't look right, you need to fix this, dress differently.

Watch your tone here. Do this different. I'm not going to do that anymore. I love you too much. I'll be here when the middle school vultures come after you for, you know, whatever, stains on your shirt. But, hey, you're my daughter. I love you. And after a very short period of time, something magic happened.

I've talked about it. I said a sentence, this is several months ago now, that I've never uttered before. And that was, Josephine, which is my daughter, get off of me. Because now I'm a human jungle gym for that little girl. When I decided I'm going to be somebody that is likable, I'm going to be kind, I'm going to default to laughter over criticism. Dude, I'm still going to hold you accountable. You can count on that.

But man, I'm not picking at you anymore. I'm not going to poke and pick and criticize and critique every second of your life. I want your home to be a safe place to be. I'm going to choose my battles wisely. And over time, her nervous system will go, that guy's safe. In fact, he's the safest. It's not too late.

It's not too late. Appreciate the call, Lane. We'll be right back. Hey, what's up? Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious or burned out or chronically stressed at some point.

In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life. Get your copy today at johndeloney.com. Hey, we're back. I want to give you all a quick update on the first caller of today's show, Tristan, out of Utah. It just so happened that I had some colleagues there in Utah,

some incredible mental health professionals that I've worked with, and they've become close friends. And I'm not always able to do this, but in this situation, I was able to pick up and call somebody's cell phone, and they were able to work through the system and get him the help and care he needed. He's going to see somebody today. Hopefully, if you're struggling and you're wondering if the world would be better if you weren't here, hopefully you heard that call call and you were able to exhale a little bit through blurry, teary eyes and you picked up a phone and you called somebody, whether it's our friends at BetterHelp or whether it's 911 or

whether it is your local provider or your therapist, whoever, you called somebody and said, I need help. And if that's not you, but you have people in your life who are struggling, hopefully I gave you a picture of what that interaction looks like. I'm not letting you off the phone. I love you too much. I don't mind if you hate me now, hate me later. If you're still alive to hate me, I'm okay with that. But we have to begin to create a world where I'm not afraid to wade in. I'm not scared of your big feelings, as Dr. Kennedy says, whether you're a child or an adult. I don't care if you like me. If I see somebody hurting, I'm going to wade in. Big shout out to my friends. I won't call them out here by name, but big shout out to my friends. I won't call them out here by name,

but big shout out to my friends for answering the phone and an even bigger shout out to Tristan for reaching out, for being strong, for being brave. And I got high hopes for him. But today is going to be the first day of a new path. The world would not be better without you. If you ever think it would be, make that phone call. I love you guys. See you soon.