The Dr. John Delony Show - I Feel Unfulfilled and Restless in My Life

Episode Date: February 26, 2024

On this episode, we hear about: -       A mom torn over the decision of whether or not to go back to work -       A man hurt that his girlfriend wouldn’t take his name if they married -       A woman at her wit’s end with her disrespectful roommate Next Steps   📞 Ask John a question! Leave a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or click here: https://www.ramseysolutions.com/shows/the-dr-john-delony-show/ask-a-question 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life: https://bit.ly/3EL5ubR 📝 Anxiety Test: https://bit.ly/460QXUp 📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future: https://bit.ly/47q7Skm ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards: https://bit.ly/472lIKd 💭 John's Free Guided Meditation: https://bit.ly/3MAGpEV ❤️ Money & Marriage Event: http://ramseysolutions.com/getaway   Offers From Today's Sponsors   -       10% off your first month of therapy at BetterHelp: https://bit.ly/3seoBCe  -       3 free months of Hallow:  https://www.hallow.com/delony  -       25% off Thorne orders: https://www.thorne.com/u/delony -       Save up to $250 on the Eight Sleep Pod: https://eightsleep.com/delony  -       15% off your Apollo Neuro order: https://apolloneuro.com/pages/delony-lp?utm_source=delony&utm_medium=podcast&utm_campaign=lander -       Save 20% on Organifi orders: https://protect-us.mimecast.com/s/WDCVCJ692nIQm8xyiVdjH2?domain=organifishop.com   Listen to More From Ramsey Network   🎙️ The Ramsey Show 🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💡 The Rachel Cruze Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights 💰 George Kamel 💼 The Ken Coleman Show 📈 EntreLeadership   These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.    Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy https://www.ramseysolutions.com/company/policies/privacy-policy   X (@johndelony) Instagram (@johndelony) Facebook (facebook.com/johndelony/)

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. She thinks it's really unfair that in our society it's like the woman is expected to give up her last name and she really doesn't want my last name because of that. And so when I first heard that, like, it hurt my feelings because I felt rejected. Like, she doesn't want my last name. Just like a male to make this whole thing about you. Keep it going, Seth. She is. my last name like just like a male to make this whole thing about you keep it going seth she is what's up this is john with the dr john deloney show so glad that you are with us talking marriage

mental health dating figuring out relationships kids mental health emotional health whatever you got going on in your life You're struggling with in-laws struggling with the person you're married struggling with some decisions You got to make with your kids whatever you got going on in your life My promise is i'll sit with you and we will figure out what's going on and more importantly what we can do next What's the next right step if you want to be on the show? Give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291 Or go to

johndeloney.com slash ask. And hey, dude, can we I was going to say, can we pour some out? But that's for like something bad that happened. Can we pop the cork? I don't even know what to say. Dude, the YouTube numbers. Yeah, it's pretty huge. Have lost

their mind. Dude, we all get to keep our jobs The scam continues And who would have really thought, right? I mean, come on Not James Childs He quit He quit

To go with He's like I always tell him He's the opposite of every James Childs, if you don't know Is one of the OG The OG producer And

Actually, Kelly had this whole like Big little lies thing and she like got him out of here so she could be the producer, but he like had a choice. Am I going to go with this young upstart? This, this could be this amazing moment or am I going to go with the old tried and true?

I think Dave pretty much made the choice. I think that's a quality, but it's way more fun to blame James. That's so good. Are you going to be the guitarist in the Eagles? Or are you going to be in this new little band called Metallica? I don't think we're Metallica. No, but I really like that idea. We're like a high school version.

We're a Metallica cover band. Let's go out to Laverne, Tennessee and talk to Allison. Hey, Allison, what's going on? Hi. What's going on? Not much. I just have a question. Bring it.

So about a year ago, we moved to Tennessee. My husband had been in the Navy for 20 years, and we retired, moved to Tennessee for him to get his big boy job, as he said. As a non-military guy, I would say he had quite home with my son, who is now 15, and homeschool. And I had always taught. I was a teacher for 13 years until our last duty station when we moved to Washington State and COVID hit. And I decided to change careers and became a pharmacy tech during COVID. And so we decided to homeschool my son, but now I'm kind of getting bored. Okay.

I don't want to be homey. And I've got an opportunity to go back to work part-time and still be able to homeschool my son. But now I feel selfish thinking of going back to work and not being home with my son, even though I can do both. Am I being selfish? I don't think so. Let's back up because you, whenever i'm talking to somebody about this conversation in particular there's always some absolutes that i don't think are absolutes and so it's like trying to make decisions inside of a box and i'm glad that you called because sometimes the walls of

that box aren't even real they're not there they're self-imposed and so there's a much bigger picture that could happen. So, why homeschool? Well, he doesn't do well in public school. For a lot of reasons. Learning exceptionalities from behavior, from special needs? 504 stuff? What's up?

He has special needs. We have done, when we were in Georgia, he went to a special needs private school that was absolutely wonderful. They specialized in students with exceptional needs. Okay. And he did absolutely wonderful. But when we tried public school, he just, he did not thrive at all. And so we pulled him out.

It also was COVID. And he just, his anxiety and things, we have tried, and it just does not work. Okay. Are you in a position to reconsider some of those, whether it's a private school or a public school in your area? We are able to reconsider all of those options. He does not want to do it. He personally doesn't want to do any of those options um and i would say

i would say of course he doesn't and i would also say he doesn't get a vote now that's too harsh he does he's 15 now so i would sit down with him and have a conversation about it um i recently had a conversation with my 14 year old son about it um very similar things um just as he's entering high school what's that going to look like for him for the family for all of us but um i'm going to make that final decision on what's best for the entire ecosystem because here's one thing i do know a well and whole mom is better than an anxious, exhausted, burned out, bored mom. So the choices are either sit back and go, okay, I know on the outset you've had some difficulties in school A, B, and C.

You had some successes in schools X, Y, and Z. Now we're in a new community and we've done homeschooling for a season um we're going to try this new school out um starting in the fall semester we're going to we're going to try this new place out and if it doesn't work we can always come back here and if it does work it'd be amazing get some new high school friends and some buddies and all that kind of stuff so that's on the table option two is on the table is you. Let me ask you this. What are you bored with? I don't like being,

I'm bored with not having any adult interaction. Okay. All right. Is it daytime interaction or is it nighttime interaction? Is it the world you've created for yourself? I think it's the world I've created for myself. Okay. Tell me about that.

I pretty much get up and clean, cook, hang out with my son. And that's pretty much all I do all day long. Why have you made that your life? Because I don't know how to meet people in this new environment. As a transplant, it's the worst. It's the worst. But here's what I don't want you to do. I don't want you to sacrifice your values and something that's important to you for a built-in colleague network.

Because those aren't going to be friends either. They're going to be pseudo friends. They're going to be people you're like, hey, how's the weather? Oh my gosh, is it so hot? Have you tried this, this, whatever. But they're not going to be ride or dies. So I guess my question is, what's going to be different?

You go to work part-time. I'm assuming you're not desperate for the paycheck part, but you're going to go to work part-time. I'm assuming you're not desperate for the paycheck part, but you're going to go to work part-time just to be around other adults? Yeah. So why wouldn't you just be around other adults? That would be optimal. You're like, I would love that idiot. Are you plugged in with the local church? We have not found one yet that meets the wickets.

I've been doing my, I've been online with the church from Washington still. Here's why I ask. I know church doesn't solve all the problems. It's kind of like a workplace. It's got built in. It's a place where adults go, right? On a regular, semi-regular basis. But you just gave me something that's very instructive.

It's something that I used to struggle with my college students, especially when everyone got a smartphone. When I went to college back a hundred years ago, all we had, email was just in its infancy. All we had was to write letters. That was it. And so I had to go make friends in the new place I was in. And fast forward 25 years, now we have a world where we never have to unplug from the old place. You're going to the same church. You're talking to the same people old place. You're going to the same church.

You're talking to the same people via text. You're having the same Zoom meetings, but your body's here. And it's been a year. Have you fully metabolized this move yet? Nope. Yeah. How much of the we decided was he decided?

About 98%. That's what I thought. I think that is at the root. Because you sound like somebody who doesn't super want to be here, or you super miss your old life. And the fact that this is your new life, you haven't fully want to be here, or you super miss your old life, and the fact that this is your new life, you haven't fully sat in it yet, because that means you're going to have to grieve the old life.

And that means you are yet again, you thought it was just the military dragging you around, and then once the military was over, we could finally go do these things, and you're right back in the exact same spot. How much of that sounds right? About 95, 98%. So what do you do next?

Because here's what I promise. I promise you, I promise you, your husband doesn't want, unless he's a psychopath, which I don't think he is, your husband doesn't want a wife who doesn't love her life. You don't want to have a life that you don't love. Your son doesn't want a mom

who doesn't love the life that she's in. So my question for you is, how do you create that? I don't know. Yes, you do. You just had two or three thoughts. I did have two or three. Do you fantasize about just packing up and going back to Washington?

No. No? No. Not ever. There are a couple of places I do think about going back to. What are those things that you exhale? Those little rays of light inside of you that you snuff out so that you can get through your day. What are those things?

They all happen within these four walls, though. Tell me about them. And you're going to feel like a bad mama for saying them out loud. Say them anyway. Being here with my son. Okay. Taking my son to Taekwondo. Okay.

And, like, my dogs, like just the sheer joy in their face when they see me walk through the door. You don't like that or you do? I do. I love like every bit of that. Okay. And you do like being there with your son and taking him to Taekwondo or that part is slowly killing you? No, I do. Okay.

What are the things about this new life that you don't like? Just say it. I guess the monotony. Is there any of it that you thought after the military was over, everything was going to finally be different? Yeah. I thought that after the military was over that the stress would be over. So here's where I think you start I think you start with a what I would call a one year review

similar as you would have at work and if it's safe and if he's safe hopefully he is otherwise we're having a totally different conversation you leave your knucklehead 15 year old at home and you plan a half day

for you and your husband. And you have to be honest with him that it's been a year and you don't like the life that you have created together in this new place. And that you had some hopes and dreams about what post-military life would look like, and they don't. And you want to be a part of building what comes next. And it doesn't mean that people have to quit their jobs. It doesn't mean that you'll have to move. But it does mean that you get to say, here's what I want.

Here's what I need to. And if he's smart, he will understand that that benefits him. It benefits the whole home. And if he looks at you and says, I really don't care what you want. I don't care what you need. I have this job.

Your butt's staying home. Well, now you've got other issues to deal with. Is that fair? Fair. Yeah. Is he that kind of guy? No. Would he love it for you to sit down and tell him what you're actually feeling? Most days.

That's good. That's good. That's pretty good for a marriage, most days that's good that's good that's that's pretty good for a marriage most days so i think that the the question of do you go back to work or not i and that's a surface level question i can't answer that for you um if you have to go make money then go go make money if y'all if it's too expensive, if you all need the money. If you have a career that meant something to you and was deeply purposeful for you, you were put on earth to be a fill-in-the-blank, a child advocate, a teacher, a physician,

whatever the thing is, go work. Go do your thing. If you want to get out of the house because you're just bored and the spark that is you is just out, that candle, the candle wick is just wet. It can be lit. And there's just an opportunity to get out and go be around adults. That speaks to something different, which is you are not alive in your own life. Spend some time over the next week or two with yourself,

writing down, here's what I want, here's what I need, here's what I would love. And that can be date nights, that can be sexual intimacy, that can be, I do want to go back to work, that can be, I love our son, but man, he's got to grow up and we're going to put him in a special needs school out here, or there is no special needs schools out here, Um, I do want to go back to work. That can be, I love our son, but man, he's got to grow up and we're going to put him in a special needs school out here, or there is no special needs schools out here. So it's going to have to be me, or we're going to hire a tutor, whatever that looks like, put every option on the table and then take off the ones you can't afford. Take, put on the ones

that maybe make us a little uncomfortable, but we'll figure out, but you get a list and write these things down. Here's what I want in my home. Here's what I need in my home. And then have the courage to sit down with your husband on a half-day retreat and say, all right, we've been here a year. Here's what I love about this new place. Here's what's killing me. And I want to be alive in my own home. Here's what I want our home to feel like when you get home,

when I get home, when we all get home. Here's what I love. And right now, one you get home, when I get home, when we all get home. Here's what I love. And right now, one of my favorite things is just when the dogs see me. And I want a bigger life than that. I want a more adventurous, full of love life than that. And then y'all build something new. You're worth it and he's worth it. The whole family.

And then if you want to go back to work and be a pharmacy tech, go be a pharmacy tech. But I imagine that the adventure is way, way bigger than that. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. October is the season for wearing costumes. And if you haven't started planning your costume, seriously, get on it. I'm pretty sure I'm going to go as Brad Pitt because we have the same upper body, but whatever.

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and learn to live an honest, authentic life. Costumes and masks should be for Halloween parties, not for our emotions and our true selves. If you're considering therapy, I want you to call my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy. You can talk with your therapist anywhere so it's convenient for just about any schedule. You just get online and you fill out a short survey and you'll be matched with a licensed therapist and you can switch therapist at any time for no additional cost. Take off the costumes and take off the masks with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Deloney. show like a month ago. I've been listening like crazy. Thank you. You have like the best advice. I was like, Dr. John's the guy to call with my question. Well, I appreciate that, man. Thank

you so much. What's up? Yeah. So, okay. So my girlfriend and I have been dating for about two years now, a little over two years, and we're pretty serious. We're not engaged yet, but we've definitely talked about marriage. And one thing that's come up is what last name we're going to take. And so, just to give some context here, we're both Christians. We both grew up in a Christian home, but for me, in my specific background, I never even really was aware of people taking the woman's last name or picking a different last name or keeping the same last name. Everyone I've seen in Nolan automatically, like the husband is, that's the last name for the family. It's the patriarchy, Seth. That's why America's falling. I'm just kidding. I'm totally kidding. So, um, so anyway, I, when we first started talking about this,

it really surprised me that she had such a strong opinion on this because I had never even thought about it really before. I just knew that I wanted us to have the same last name. That's that male privilege. You don't even have to think about it. She does. She loses her personhood, her name, and you just bebop through life, Seth. Well, it's funny because that's actually kind of what she said, although not in a mean way. But she would definitely consider herself a feminist.

But she had some really strong opinions on this. She thinks it's really unfair that in our society it's like the woman is expected to give up her last name. And she really kind of resents that, and she really doesn't want my last name because of that. And so when I first heard that, it surprised me because, again, I hadn't even really thought of resents that. And she just, she really doesn't want my last name because of that. And so when I first heard that, like it, it surprised me because again, hadn't even really thought of that. And it hurt my feelings because I felt rejected. Like my last, like she doesn't want my last name. Like, you know, what's so wrong with, with me. And even though I know that's not really what it's about for her. Just like a male to make this whole thing about you, keep it going, Seth. Jeez. But the thing that bothers me, though, is when I talk to my family and my friends about this,

they are all of the opinion that for me to give up my last name and take her last name would be very emasculate. Hold on. They're idiots. Okay? They don't get involved. Can I just be super direct with you? Is that cool? Yes, sir.

By the way, I know all 360 degrees of this conversation, of the arguments. These are some of the greatest friends I have. I don't have a position, if you will. There is a tradition in our culture, and I'm saying our culture very, very loosely. I don't even know what your culture is. I'm just speaking for me. There is a, I'll say, in a broad Eurocentric Western culture that you take the man's last name.

Okay? Yeah. And yes, it is. It's so commonplace that people don't even consider it. And there is, understandably, this idea that my wife had a different name until she met me. And she gave up her name, right, to join into this new thing that we're building, right? That's fair all the way around But at listening to you Here's what I'm picking up You're a guy who walks through the world Very unsure of yourself And you lean on other people For direction For values

I don't know, what do you think man? Okay And that's just kind of your ethos Am I right or no? No, you're really on point. Okay, so what is it about Seth? Forget the name, forget what your moron buddies are saying. What is, like, what is it about Seth that you don't trust?

Well, I just... Well, I asked a guy one time. What is it about Seth that you don't trust? Well, I just... Well, I asked a guy one time. What is it about Seth that you don't like or trust? Oh, that's a deep question. I mean, it's like, where do I start, kind of? It's just so confusing sometimes. I just want to be sure, and I don't know. It's the religious aspect of it, too, because...

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. You're bringing in a whole bunch of different variables So that you don't have to look you in the mirror Because here's why If you have to look Seth in the mirror You have to say out loud She has a point And yet

I want a traditional Marriage Just an OG traditional marriage And I want a traditional marriage. Just an OG traditional marriage. And I want to keep my last name. And the person I marry, I want them to keep my last name. Or I just could care less. And my dad's going to throw a fit and blah, I don't care. Or, man, if she's digging her heels in on this,

what's she going to dig her heels in on when we have a home, when we have kids? And if she cuts and runs when it comes to these principles, it will get harder and harder and harder as the stakes get higher and higher and higher. And if you do that, you have to look in the mirror and say, maybe this relationship, maybe I love her,

but maybe this isn't the one for me long-term. And you don't like that responsibility, so you pawn it off on your friends, you pawn it off on religion, you pawn it off on all these different people. You have to make that call. Yeah. Otherwise,

I'm going to be honest with you. I don't want you marrying my daughter I want you to I want the person my daughter marries To be able to stand firm in values And I want them to be united in values I want them to have way different beliefs Because if they have way different beliefs

They're going to have wild adventures in their life And they're both going to Iron sharpens iron They're both going to grow and develop into something that none of us can foresee. But man, values got to be aligned. It's hard to be married. It's easy to be married with different beliefs. That makes for adventure and fun and chaos, which is awesome. It's hard to be married with different values.

Yeah. Right? Yeah. Right. Yeah. But that means you have to do the work of looking at the foundation of your life and saying, what do I value? And right now, all you value is what other people think about things. And I know this is not why you called, but I want to get to the root of the issue. Fair. Well, I mean, that's not all I care about. I would just say it definitely influences me, I think, because of just certain issues we probably don't even have time to get into

that have happened to me. But it's something I'm working on. Like, I'm aware of that. Okay, good. Good, good, good. So is Seth trustworthy? Yes. Okay. Then what does Seth trustworthy? Yes. Okay.

Then what does Seth want? I want to love her and to, to walk with her through life and to have a family with her and to honor God and everything I do and to treat her as his daughter and to be the best person that I can be and make a, make a positive difference, not just in her life but in the lives of any kids that we have and anyone that we come across, you know, like take on the world together.

That's what I want. Okay. Does she want that same thing with you? I think so. Does she want to take on the world together with you or does she want you to join her in the fight that she's already started? Seems more like that. Okay.

I think if we do get married. That's not together. You see what I'm saying? Yeah. And that's okay. She can absolutely have somebody who values the same things she values and wants to go to war on those things. Absolutely. And so let me be super clear just for the record, just to put my dirty laundry out there.

My wife took my last name when we got married. We also shortly thereafter went to work at the same university and i really really encouraged her to keep her uh maiden name so there wouldn't be two dr delonis working at the same place actually my mom was a professor and so for a season there was three of us yeah and i really encourage her not to do that so i don't like oh it's gonna be a masculine shut up dude that that i don't care about sometimes there's just some practical whatever yeah but to buck tradition at a societal level i want to have some pretty firm convictions before I do that. Yeah. Right? Mm-hmm. And you don't have that.

Otherwise, you wouldn't be calling me. Mm-hmm. Well, it's just, I think, I don't know if it's fair to say I don't have strong convictions because I do. It's just on this, I was, the thing that was throwing me for a loop was what they were saying about,

as it relates to spiritual headship of the family in the Christian faith and, and the symbolism behind the last names and this and that. And it's something I never really thought about. And I was trying to sort through it. And I'm thinking like, I, I don't really know because I don't, it's just, there's not like a clear cut answer, I suppose. I mean, like, I'm not going to not marry her because she won't take my life. I think that's ridiculous. I would not be like, oh, that's a deal breaker. You have to have my last name. But my pastor sure seems to think so for some reason. And I think that's extreme, but it's also concerning to me thinking about, huh, well, am I wrong about this? And that the spiritual headship thing, is it important to signify that

the man is the spiritual leader of the house? And it also brings up another discussion that she and I had where kind of look to me, like what she's looking for in a marriage is basically for me to kind of just do whatever she says. And it's like, she'll only do. And listen, that's what I want you to think through. So we could talk about theology and we could talk about historical property rights and how women were glorified cattle that took the owner's name. Okay. We can go down that rabbit hole and I'll sit with any theological conversation. We can have that conversation. Yeah.

Okay. That's not what this is about right now. What this is about right now is I can see it a mile away. You're with somebody who is not with you in equal mark and measure. Yeah. And that's why I want you to think through what happens. I, you are,

I'm just gonna say you are uncomfortable with this. Fine. Fair. You're allowed to be, and it doesn't make you evil or bad or a terrible man. It doesn't make you any of those things. It's just uncomfortable. It's different.

Yeah. That's not what I knew growing up. And some of the things I knew growing up were wrong, and I needed to change them. Yeah. But some of the things that were just tradition, I'm not just going to throw away tradition because it's old. Right?

We've burned down Grandma's house for four tall and skinnies. And that was stupid because grandma's house was built to last for a long, long time. And these tall and skinnies are going to fall down. And so I'm not a fan of just burning tradition to the ground. We've done that culturally. And I've written about that in a couple of books. We've done that culturally and we are paying a heavy, heavy price. Both feminist scholars and more traditionalist scholars, everybody's writing about it. We've created chaos, okay? So I'm not just going to burn it down just because it's old.

But you're uncomfortable with it. The bigger issue is this. If this is how y'all solve problems, if the solution to your marital problems is do whatever she says, I'm telling you right now, your relationship is not going to make it either that, or you are going to be a shell of yourself. Yeah. You will be a man who lives a quiet life of desperation. You will hate your life. Have you ever seen the Disney show? Good luck, Charlie on, You will hate your life. important decisions whatsoever. His opinion's not that great. I kind of feel like that's how it would be. And then I wonder, well, can she change? Like, I love her and I just, she's special to me.

Listen, I'm going to go back to the very first question I asked you. Okay. What is it about Seth? Someone told you, somebody trained you, somebody beat it into you that your job is to shut your mouth and make sure everybody else is okay and to make sure that your needs are zero. And I'm telling you telling you brother that's wrong

and i'm tired i'm tired and this isn't at you man this is me with you i'm tired of our culture believing that the only path forward in writing some of these historical wrongs. There are a bunch of them. And anyone who says there's no historical wrongs is a moron. There are. But anyone who believes that squashing and crushing and beating up somebody else, another group of people, is the solution is wrong.

I agree. But that's you, Seth. You love the idea of this person and you want this to work and she may have been the only girlfriend you've ever had that really was into you in this way. Is that fair? One other.

Okay. But man, y'all have a long, long way to go before you get married. I mean, you can get married tomorrow. Do what you want to do. But this will be the rest of your life. And I know from experience, this isn't the big ones. The big ones come with children. The big one comes with where we're going to live.

The big ones come with, the big decisions come with our home and who we're going to be in our community. And if the answer to all of that is, well, whatever she says, phew, man, you're worth more than that set. So maybe the path forward for you is a break. Hey, honey, I want to take 30 days and just get my feet underneath me because I don't even know what I believe anymore. I don't even know what I value anymore.

And maybe you spend some time with a couple of men that you trust, not that are your own age, but that are 10, 15 years older than you. And you do a deep dive, a quick deep dive on what does masculinity mean to me? And what does marriage mean to me? And what does making joint decisions together mean to me? And does making joint decisions together mean to me? And what does head of household mean to me by the way, that's a service oriented conversation not a tiebreaker conversation Head of household means you are on the bottom You do the heavy lifting of that home What does all that mean because right now it means whatever she says it does

And I can hear it. You're drowning. You're drowning. And you ask the question, well, is she just going to change? Nope. Nope. Nope. Not unless y'all decide we're going to do this together. I wish you the best, man. I'm going to send you a copy of Own Your Past, Change Your Future.

I want you to read that book cover to cover. I think it's going to have some answers in there for you. Get a couple of men in your life that you trust and aren't just going to be like, yeah, bro. No, you don't need those guys. But you need a couple of men to walk with you as you answer some of those hard questions. And you can loop back and look at this woman

that you're thinking about spending the rest of your life with and say, here's what I value. Are you in? We'll be right back. Alright, we are back. Alright, Kelly, tell me about this. I don't watch the Disney, I don't know what they're talking about.

So I remember this show when my son was younger and he would watch Disney and my daughter. And I don't know how it're talking about. So I remember this show when my son was younger and he would watch Disney and my daughter. And I don't know how it is now. It's been a lot of years since they've watched that stuff. But my husband and I always called it the Disney dad. And it's, he's another child. He's stupid.

Mom has to fix everything. She runs everything. Dad is always, you know, overweight. She's beautiful. It's just that dad's always a doofus. A bumbling moron. He is. Okay you know, overweight. She's beautiful. It's just that Dad's always a doofus. A bumbling moron. He is. Okay, yeah, yeah.

That she has to just kind of put up with and get around. But he's lovable, you know. It's the character that Jim Gaffigan plays in his comedy. Yeah, it is. It's exactly that. So when he said that, I knew exactly who he was talking about. She takes charge. She has to fix it all.

She has to run it all. And he doesn't have a say gotcha and and man i get myself in all kind of trouble for this conversation i i know that's the cultural that's our cultural norm right now right and I also know that there's a massive backlash happening and with women frustrated that they have to be the husbands in their homes. And what does that even mean?

And what about traditional masculinity and femininity and the energies that come along? All that is just a mess. And I think it's the great Terry Real that said women were sold a lie, which is the greatest pathway to your happiness and joy and love is you become more like men. And men were told the greatest pathway you have is to just never, nothing should change. And we should just get back to the way things were, which, by the way, never existed.

And so you've got two people who are just flying past each other. And it's just created a mess. It's created a mess and Men. And it's probably the most important read of the last year for me. It was really extraordinary, but it talked about, we've lost a generation. They're gone. They are gone. And it started with their dads who learned from their World War II dads, I'm going to come home, I'm going to sit and I'm going to be quiet. I work all day and I need quiet. And they learned passivity and they interpreted that to just whatever, man, whatever's cool. And then this started 25 years of messaging of, well, you've ruined everything. You're the cause of everyone's bad and everyone. So men just were like, cool,

I'll play video games. I'm out. And here we are. Right. And that's oversimplified, but what a mess we've got. Well, there's a toxic, toxic masculinity and there's also a toxic femininity. And I think they're at war with each other because, you know, we, as women, there's the, we got this right, all the right, but then we're scared to give any ground, you know? And because then I always think the problem is we're listening to culture and society instead of doing what works best in our homes and what's right. Right. We've given up that to be like, well, this is how it's supposed to be.

Or this is what Disney shows me or this is what Facebook shows me that, you know, the whole – and of course there's exceptions because there's abuse and there's situations like this where this doesn't matter. But, you know, the – I have to hide all the purchases in the trunk. And, you know, in the trunk of the car, don't tell him I bought this or I'm sneaking out to go do this or whatever. It's just that whole idea. It's all caricature. Yeah. It's all caricature. But I will say we're listening to all these outside voices, but there's no models on the inside.

There's no models of what masculinity looks like and it's not beefcake 2000 and it's also not ever not going to the gym right it's also uh being able to do hard things in service of it's all of it wrapped up into one and there's just not a good conversation to be had and then you end up like this poor guy on the last call who's got a person he is in love with and head over heels and she's like i'm gonna run this house not with you i'm gonna run this house and if you want to be a part of what i'm where i'm where this bulldozer's going get on you can get on the back and i'll chain you to the back i'll drag you behind me we're going that way um and that's not a way to build a marriage. And neither is Andrew Tate. Alpha 2000.

Like, I'm going to do it. That's stupid too, right? Snap into a Slim Jim. And so, in your onesie. Like, we have, there's got to be a different conversation that we're having. Man, oh man, Peter Pan. Let's go to Vancouver and talk and talk to jessica before i get fired what's up jessica hi how's it going good sorry you caught us on the end of a wild last call and i'm no that was wonderful i'm so glad i got to listen in on

that hey what do you think am i crazy, I think there is a lot of weirdness between the dichotomy of masculinity and femininity right now, especially being, you know, mid-20s, lady, single. Dating is weird. Dating boys my age, they are boys.

They're boys still. It's, you know, I saw a great TikTok that was addressing splitting the bill on the first date. And, you know, if a boy or a man offers just to do that, to, you know, say, oh, I'm so sorry. Like, I didn't realize we're just going out as friends. I thought this was a date. And kind of tackling, masculine attacking it in that sense. But even the idea,

the idea that I can't wrap my head around ever sitting down on a date and thinking in any shape, form or fashion, we're going to split this bill. Right. Right. You know, I have historically in long-term relationships, um, we'll alternate at times. Yeah. I mean, that's after a while. Right. But what you're doing when you're in a long-term relationship is you're building something new together, right? Exactly. But up until then, I, jeez, first date, tenth date.

That's awkward. I'm paying for it. Like, it's just weird. And by the way, I'm teaching my son that. And? Good. I'm going to tell my daughter, you always have some money in your pocket so you can walk away at any moment. Right?

It's both and. It's both and. But anyway. Absolutely. Okay, so you're a good, we have not, we're not going to talk about what you called at all. I'm just going to talk about me. Okay. Um, but real quick, you're, you're in your twenties. Yep. Okay. So you're experiencing this. Tell me if I'm off and if I'm off, please tell me I'm off. Okay. I haven't been 20 for a minute now But as a 20 year old

Woman, are you a college grad? I did some college Okay, some college Okay, that's fine That's fine You were told You can do anything You can be anything

You are, to quote Seinfeld The master of your own domain You are the king of your own domain you are the king of your world right and you're going to meet somebody who's the same and y'all are going to create a thing together and so all that sounds good in practice in principle and you're out there doing all these things making all these decisions making this money getting your job moving up the ladder etc and the boys out there are all video game players and you're like oh my gosh and you find yourself saying the words that you never thought

you'd say will you just be a man right it might tell me about tell me i'm crazy or tell me like no that's actually kind of right on no you're on to something, because like you're mentioning regarding the last call and the swing of feminism, I think it's all... Ah, this might be a hot take, but I think it's almost flung a little too far to the point where we swing back a little into some more traditional...

Yeah, I'm going to get canceled. Here's the deal. I'm going to tell you... We're not going to cancel you. I'm going to get canceled. Here's the deal. I'm going to tell you. We're not going to cancel you. I'm going to tell you that take is, I'm hearing it over and over and over and over and over again. Anyway, you're not crazy. I don't love having to be in my masculine all the time.

Yeah, no, I think the pendulum's going to swing back a little bit And I think eventually we'll find some harmony My fear is going to swing back too far And so my hope is that it's not But geez louise Jessica from Vancouver, thank you for risking getting cancelled on behalf of my little piddly show You're awesome Alright, so why'd you call? What can I do for you?

Well, I have found myself in kind of a weird living situation and I'm hoping to get some advice on how to move forward, how not to move forward, just what to do. It's specifically regarding the lady I have found myself living with, my roommate. Okay. Yeah, so we met through work. And, of course, you know, when you're at work, you're putting on your best face, you're at work. And so... Not here.

Have you seen Kelly? She's never... I didn't mean that aesthetically. I meant that like you're just mean. You are beautiful. All right, go ahead, Jessica. Sorry. No, no worries.

Yeah, so I had found myself in a bit of a pinch. My landlord essentially got renovated. And so I had to find a place relatively quickly that was pet friendly. And I don't know if you know much about rent out here, but it's through the roof. And so, yeah, so this lady, she was like, oh, you know, my son just moved out. I have a room available. Help me out. Help you out.

This will be great. So I was like, sure. Again, I only knew her through work. I knew her, you know, in her work mode and professional mode and that sort of thing. And so I agreed to this. It seems really mutually beneficial. And so I move in. And the first week there,

we get a text from her existing landlord that they were putting that house up for sale. And so then together, we were now in a bit of a bind to find a new place that was also pet friendly within our budget. And so we were kind of scrambling around. I finally found a place for us because she was kind of dragging her feet. She had rented that particular home.

Get to it, Jessica. Get to it. I talked too long at the beginning. All right. So y'all have found yourself in a place. Yes. And are y'all both on the lease? We are unfortunately both on the lease.

And is she B-A-N-A-N-A-S? Well, so it started out rocky. She didn't on the lease. And is she B-A-N-A-N-A-S? Well, so it started out rocky. She didn't have the deposit. I had to cover her deposit. And she's just, our personalities clash so hard. Like I find her very negative, very unhealthy in spiritually, physically, financially. And it's really crescendoed this last month

when she sent me rent late. And I had very specifically made it clear to her that since rent is coming out of my account, that I need her half at least one business day prior, like no questions asked. That is just how we need to do it. And so I had texted her January 30th, a Tuesday, and I said, hey, rent's coming out. Haven't gotten it. Just nudging you. She replies the next day saying, yep, I get paid tomorrow the first and I'll send you money then. And I, you know, reiterate, you know, rent comes out anytime after midnight on the first, I'm going to need your half today. And she says, well, I'm in trouble then. Sorry. Uh, if you get insufficient funds to use, I'll cover it.

My bad. And I reply, that's not really the issue. My credit's attached to this. Okay. Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. Y'all are texting this back and forth. When's the last time you've sat down and said, hey, this is not working? That's another private issue, John. Ever since this debacle, she has avoided me like the plague. So I get home. She doesn't leave her room. I knock on her door. She's sleeping.

How old is she? So she is over 30 years older than I am. She is in her 50s, John. Oh, what a box of farts, Jessica. What have you done? Listen, look, how much longer is this lease until the end of August? What does it look like to get out of a lease in Vancouver? Expensive. That's, that's what it's boiled down to, which is so frustrating is that it's,

it's a cost thing. Like I'm having to almost put like a value on my wellbeing and- Hold on, I don't think so. I don't think so. Can I tell you something crazy? No, yeah. I think you get to choose. Yeah.

I think you married somebody who is struggling on a lot of different places in a lot of different areas, right? Mm-hmm. And cool. Let me say it like this. struggling on a lot of different places in a lot of different areas right and cool let me say it like this any choice to be miserable between now and august is a choice to be miserable yeah i wouldn't choose that would it be awesome if you had a roommate that was 30 years older than you there's like a cool old 30 years older than you like me and kelly working together she's at least 30 years older than me.

But we have fun. She takes tequila shots at work. She's super fun. I'm just kidding. She doesn't. It would be cool if that was happening. It's not. It'd be cool if there was a roommate issue and y'all could just talk. But you can't.

She won't. She pretends to be asleep you know who does that my eight-year-old daughter thank you right right but listen I don't engage I'm her dad you are not her dad so you're just a roommate so if there's a late fee then bill her for it. Otherwise, go about your day. The biggest thing is that the landlord can come after us for the remaining rent if we were to break the lease early. Then don't break the lease. Don't break the lease.

And just boot her out? No. Just do your life until August. Just grind it out There's no grind I mean why are you giving her this She goes in her room and shuts the door And won't even talk to you when you knock on the door

Yeah Just pretend that door is walled off Yeah And when you see her say hey good morning Hope you have a great day today And then go about your life Am I oversimplifying it? Absolutely

Am I making it like No but that's what I need I need that Cause I think that's Been part of my issue It is You're over dramatizing it If she was violent

If she wasn't paying If she was having like People Random Unsafe people Spending the night Totally different ballgame Okay

Yeah They're not spending the night But they different ballgame. Okay. Yeah, they're not spending the night, but they are around. And, you know, like, drug use is high. Okay, call the police. Call the police. Yeah, you're right. Call the police.

Because here's what you're doing. You're taking all these external variables that are just swirling and swirling. And instead of dealing with them, there's a legal drug use in my home. I'm not going to have it. My name's on the lease. If there's drugs here, again, I call the police.

Period. Yeah. Okay, cool. I've dealt with that. And you have to actually call the cops. Number two, if somebody has had drugs, they're not welcome in my apartment. If're here i'm calling the police because I don't want them here period right Number three you have to pay rent on time

If you don't pay rent on time you get one miss and then i'm gonna ask you to leave Yeah But like instead of doing that just piece by piece you just take all those variables and shove them down inside your own chest And then here's what sucks it It kills you. It doesn't solve any of the problems. It just makes it where you can't sleep or go to the bathroom

in a timely fashion. Yeah. Right? Right. Because I feel like I'm taking on so much of like the responsibility.

And again, like, Hold on. You're not taking on the responsibility. You're not taking on the responsibility. You're taking on

the emotional strain of this whole thing. Yes. There's no responsibility. You're not taking on the responsibility. You're not taking on the responsibility. You're taking on the emotional strain of this whole thing. Yes. There's no responsibility. You pay your bills. And to her credit, she's paying her bills. It was a day late or something, but she paid her bill. Yeah. Yeah.

That's true. And can I even be more provocative? Can I be more pokey? Please. In the same way that she goes in her room and shuts the door and pretends to be asleep. That's kind of you. When it comes to dealing with telling her, I don't want drugs here. I don't want these strange men in my house.

Yeah. I don't want your dog crapping on the floor. You're avoiding those conversations too. So let's just either head right into it or pay the $10,000 or whatever fee and get out. But I wouldn't spend another second just doing it because that's not going to solve the problem. It's just going to slowly drown you.

Yeah. Yeah. Oh, geez. You're right. I have always struggled with confrontation and boundary settings, but this is a good exercise. Dude, this is 101. This is going to make you, like, rocky after this.

Or your roommate will kill you. She'll kill you. No, I'm stronger than her. But no, it's very weird. No, here's why I was saying that. Most of us think that on the other end of a boundary, we're going to die. Yes. What's the worst thing?

We're going to die. What if I tell my toxic boss I'm not coming in on Saturday again? What's going to happen? I'm going to die. And it's when we get to the other end of it and we realize we didn't die. Now, if you're dealing with people who are dealing drugs, illegal people in and out of your home, and it's unsafe, please get the police involved.

Yeah. Please. Because I was listening to another one of your episodes about a narcissistic mother-in-law and how she threatened self-harm, and that's been gently dangled as well. That's something else i need to keep in mind it's just call the police call the police every time there you go and when she goes what are you doing say dude you just told me you were going to harm yourself i don't know how to deal with that

they do yeah right no i you know yeah i've been dancing around this a little, a little too long. Well, turn the lights on, turn the music off and head right into the middle of it. Yeah. Or, or, or here's the other thing. Just make peace dancing. Yeah. It's that middle ground that's killing you. Yes.

Yeah. Is that fair? No, that is, that's fair. And I need to hear it. There was once a great Canadian poet. I think it was the Poet Laureate of Canada. Her name was Avril Lavigne. And she once said, there was a skater boy.

I said, see you later, boy. Oh, my God. I think that deep poetic insight is relevant is, is, is, is relevant here. I think you're right. And Avril is right as always. Is Avril ever not right? But yeah, here's what I would really work hard. And again, I'm oversimplifying this. I'm, I'm under dramatizing it. I know it's hard. I do. I know it's hard. I know it's messy. I'm trying to give you what I would tell my daughter if she found herself in a similar

situation. And that is, I'm not going to spend any emotional energy on the, I'm not doing that. Either I'm going to make peace with, I got till August. I'm going to ride this out. I'm going to spend a lot of time not here. I'm going to go to the gym. I'm going to go on dates. I'm going to ride this out. I'm going to spend a lot of time not here. I'm going to go to the gym. I'm going to go on dates. I'm going to go have fun with my life. I'm just going to sleep here. Or I'm going to confront this head on because there's not going to be drugs in my house. There's not going to be unsafe men in my house. There's not going to be people who don't pay rent in my house. I'm going to confront it head on.

And at some point, I'm going to get with my landlord and say, I need you to help me evict this person. I'm still going to be responsible for the rent. You can start finding a roommate. Um, but I think, I think handling this head on is the way to just deal with that discomfort. Yeah, no action kills anxiety. And I've not been taking action. I think too, I've been rational, like, I don't know, making excuses of like, well, she's not coming out of her room. She's not approaching me she's not wanting to talk about it

meanwhile you know I can also try harder talking to her about it well hey she's also a grown up she can say I'm not talking about

this with you I don't want I'm not talking to you I don't want to talk to you I'm through talking to you bye Felicia part of my problem too is I keep thinking in my head I'm like she to you. I don't want to talk to you. I'm through talking to you. Bye, Felicia. Part of my problem, too, is I keep thinking in my head,

I'm like, she's in her 50s. Why am I taking this on? Stop, stop, stop. That doesn't matter. You don't know what war she's fighting. Who knows? Who knows what kind of struggles she has? Who knows?

Yeah. Should it be that way? No, but it is. So I wouldn't get in her head and try to figure out why and what. That's just a waste of your energy too. Yeah. Yeah. You're right. It's limited. I gotta conserve my energy for figuring out better things. Yeah, exactly.

So put it on the table. What do I need? And what am I not putting up with anymore? And we're gonna sit down and have a conversation. Even if you have to slide a note under her door. Circa 1981. Right? Like, I'm going to put a note under your door. We're having a house meeting at whatever.

Yeah. You know what I mean? Or a texter. Whatever that looks like. But go ahead and, yeah, knock it out. Knock it out. You're worth this. And quite honestly, she is too, man. And you just get that weird tension. Like, we're just having it. We're going to do it. We're going to have the meeting.

Thank you for the call, Jessica. Hey, everybody stay tuned. We have some cool, a cool thing that happened coming up next. Hey, good folks. Let's talk about hallow. All right. I say this all the time. It's important to get away for times of prayer and meditation by yourself with no one else around. But one thing you might not think about though

is maintaining a sense of community when you pray or meditate. And this is especially if you don't consider yourself religious, if you question things, or if you've been burned by a church experience in the past, it's hard to want to get together with other people. And that's another reason why I love Hallow.

You can personalize your prayer experience with Hallow and they give you three free months to do it. You can pray or meditate by yourself, or you can connect with friends, with family, a prayer group, or some other community that you choose. And this way you can share prayers, share meditations. You can even share journal reflections to grow in your faith together with others. And with Hallow, there are other ways you can personalize the app. They have downloadable offline sessions and links ranging from one minute up to an hour, and you can listen where it works for your schedule.

You can choose your guide, your background music. You can create your own personal prayer plan and more. I've made it a personal point to begin my day every single day with the hallow meditation on the scripture of the day. It's a discipline and it's a practice. And here's what I'm learning. As with anything of importance and meaning, prayer takes intentionality, practice, and showing up even when I don't feel like it, and even I don't want to. This is discipline. Sometimes you do this by yourself and sometimes you do this with a group and Halo helps you with both. Download the number one prayer app on planet earth, Halo, right now. And listen, viewers and listeners of this show get three free months when you go to halo.com

slash Deloney. It's amazing. Three free months of the app when you go to halo.com slash Deloney. Go right now and change your life. All right, we are back. Kelly, we have a cool things that happened? Cool crap that happened. Cool crap that happened. All right, what is it? All right, this is from Jeremy in Canal Fulton, Ohio.

All right, he says, In December, I graduated with my master's degree in clinical mental health counseling. Hey! From Texas Tech University Health Science Center. Who is this? His name is, well, I'm not going to tell you his whole name, but it's Jeremy. He's a bit younger than you. But I might have been one of his professors.

Well, no. Hold on. Uh-oh. And he graduated debt-free, which is phenomenal. I did not So congratulations to him My wife and I just celebrated Our 20 year anniversary

In January And we'd become Entirely debt free Including our home In August Good grief That's amazing My graduate advisor

Was Dr. Lynn Jennings No way Yes Alright Explain I've had Dr. Jennings On the show Very very at the beginning

And she is somebody Who I've reached out to on the way to work. She's one of my go-to national experts. She's amazing. All right. So he said, I just wanted to write in and say

that my wife and I both enjoy listening to the show. I am a former police officer, and I now work for a nonprofit organization that serves solely first responders and their families. Learning to be a good clinician is difficult, but I appreciate your information and you provide on the show. Jeremy, dude,

that checks all my boxes, man, guns up. Um, which by the way, for those of you who aren't from Texas, that's the slogan of Texas tech university. Get your guns up.

Doesn't play well in other parts of the country. Um, and works with police officers who I love and dr jennings who's one of my favorite people on planet earth both lynn and steve her husband uh they're both just amazing and his name starts with j so that's just that's like all wins all around very cool man that is cool stuff that happened and he graduated debt free doesn't have a house payment i know completely 100 debt-free imagine being i mean the stress as a police officer and obviously they were in debt that he was all dealing with and now completely debt-free helping people that are stressed like him and their families what a great guy so i've i've got this hypothesis that's

slowly brewing um that's probably the worst word I could have used. It's slowly crystallizing. It's becoming clear. I wonder what our culture would look like if mental health providers and medical providers didn't owe anybody any money in their personal life. Because when I talk to folks behind closed doors, it's like, I have to do this diagnostic because I have to get whatever, or I had to prescribe this because my patients are coming in saying, I need this. I have this. I Google it and I need this. And if they don't give it to them, they just leave and they go find another provider. Like what if they didn't know anybody, anything, and they could say, Hey, we're going to stick by medicine. You don't need another

antibiotic. You need this, you need whatever need whatever what kind how different would this country look and feel like if providers didn't know anybody need money i just think that there would be something profound i may i may work with doctoral students and do that study because i would be fascinated to do a qualitative inquiry of medical providers and counseling providers who owe a bunch of money and those who do not and how that impacts practice. That would be fun. If you're a graduate student looking for a research idea, hit me up. Go to johndeloney.com slash ask and put research idea in the topic and I may reach out to you. Love you guys. Stay in school. No new drugs. Bye.