The Dr. John Delony Show - I Fell off the Wagon and I Feel Like a Fraud

Episode Date: June 10, 2024

On this episode, we hear about: ·      A man who previously attempted to quit drinking in January 2023 but has relapsed ·      A woman struggling with boundary issues and mismatched expectations with her parents ·      A single dad seeking advice on how to teach his 8-year-old daughter about healthy relationships   Offers From Today's Sponsors 10% off your first month of therapy at BetterHelp!   3 free months of Hallow  25% off Thorne orders  20% off Organifi with code: DELONY 20% off + 2 Free Pillows at Helix Sleep Next Steps 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or click here! 📚 Get Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Take the Anxiety Test  📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future  ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards  💭 John's Free Guided Meditation  Listen to More From Ramsey Network 🎙️ The Ramsey Show   🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💡 The Rachel Cruze Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights 💰 George Kamel 💼 The Ken Coleman Show 📈 EntreLeadership   Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy https://www.ramseysolutions.com/compa…

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. I don't feel like I'm good at my job. And the thing is, is all the stuff I'm telling you, I know it's hard. I'm getting ready to take over a company and I can't, I need to get past this because I can't run a business. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Option number one that you presented is I got to get over this right now. Option number two is you just scrapped whole thing here's option three you exhale for a minute whoa what's up this is john with dr john deloney show man i hope you're doing well of all the gajillions of podcasts you chose this one all the gajillions of youtube channels you could be watching.

You chose this one. I'm super grateful to have you with us talking with real people about real stuff going on in their life. Talking about your relationships, your mental health, your emotional health, whatever you got going on in your life. I'm going to sit with you, and we're going to figure out what's the next right move. What can we do next? If you want to be on this show, I'd love to have you. Give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291 or go to johndeloney.com slash ask. Fill out the online questionnaire.

It goes into Kelly's secret email box, and she crafts the show. And she probably judges you a little bit, but it's okay. It's okay. It's all right. I don't. I do too. It's cool. None of us are judging anybody. We're all one big happy. F-A-M-I-L-Y. Kelly, I went to two punk shows

last night, started at this little place called Exit Inn, a legendary club here in Nashville, and saw a band called Homefront that, dude, I don't know anything about them. Hopefully their lyrics aren't terrible or whatever like that. They sullied. And I was telling you guys, that singer, there was maybe 200 people in that room. He was singing in his mind to 80,000 people. It must've been like what it was like to see Freddie Mercury in a tiny little club.

And I know that's a huge statement I just made. This guy's incredible. And then I quickly hopped in my car and I drove over to the Ryman to sit with some friends. Not sit. We didn't sit once. And scream my head off to the Sum 41's final show here in Nashville. And dude,

I'm a smiley bunch of smiley pants today. I don't know how you're functioning today. What time did you get home? My Organifi happy drops, number one. I got home this morning. And I've had a smile on my face ever since i woke up man it was awesome this morning my daughter got up late too and i got up late my wife had already left to take my son to school and we just stared at each other we both kind of walked in

half conscious my daughter and i and we stared at each other and then she just turned to walk the other way it was so great great. It wasn't mean. It was just, we love each other enough to not speak. But it's cool. I'm all smiley pants, and my voice is a little hoarse because I don't want to waste my... All right, let's go out to San Antonio, some of the greatest food on planet Earth,

and talk to Jacob. Hey, Jacob, what's up, man? Oh, not much, Dr. John. How you doing? Doing all right, brother. What's Jacob, what's up, man? Oh, not much, Dr. John. How you doing? Doing all right, brother. What's going on in your world, man? Oh, I wish it was better, but I talked to you about a year and a half ago.

Sorry, I'm super nervous. No, you're good, man. Talk to me about a year and a half ago. Things are still going tough? Yeah, yeah. I was having a problem with drinking or beginning to really and things got a little better but i've since they haven't been better and a lot of it has to do with real bad anxiety and stress and just feeling like I'm not enough overall.

Yeah. I'm just tired, man. I know you are. Thanks for calling me back. I don't know what to do. Sorry. You do exactly what you're doing right now. You call somebody that you trust and you say, I'm not alright. That's it.

This is the phone call. Hey, listen, brother, this is the phone call that millions of millions of millions of people need to make. And you're setting an example for them. I'm grateful for you. And I know you didn't wake up today with that being your job. That's not your job, but you did it. And I'm proud of you. And I'm grateful for you. Thank you. Okay. So remind me about yourself a little bit. You got, are you married? You got kids?

Is it just you by yourself? Yeah I'm married It'll be 23 years this October Okay How old are you? I am 44

I'll be 45 in September Okay I got three kids Had the first one when I was 18 He's 26 and married Got a 21 year old And a 15 year old Okay man Yeah had the first one when I was 18. He's 26 and married. Got a 21-year-old and a 15-year-old. Okay, man.

Yeah, I'm still in it. Yeah, you are. You're winding it down. You got three years left. Yeah, I know. A buddy of mine just same age has a 15-year-old and his wife's pregnant right now. I said, you're nuts. Yeah, I've got a decade left, man. And so I good on you. So here's the thing about alcohol, dude, it works.

It works till it kills you. Right. Until it messes stuff up. It does. And I don't, I'm tired. I don't want it to be the reason. Here's why I'm saying it works because you're doing what you got to do to survive. And at the same time, you're recognizing that's not a long-term option. It's not wise long-term. It's not wise today, right? So what's happened in the last year and a half, man? Why when you look in the mirror, you're disgusted by this dude that you see?

I don't know. It's been the last 20 plus years i just i don't feel like i'm good at my job and the thing is is all the stuff i'm telling you i know it's called false right there you go but in in my head i still i don't if i screw up at work if i screw something up at work even if my minor thing i I just beat myself down. Yeah. It's like the end of the world. And the next day I'm the only one that noticed that I screwed something up. Right.

Right. And I don't, and I do that daily. I'm getting ready to take over a company and I can't, I need to get past this because I can't run a business. Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. Or, or here's a third option. Okay. Option number one that you presented is I got to get over this because I can't run a business Hold on, hold on, hold on. Or here's a third option, okay? Option number one that you presented is I got to get over this right now.

Option number two is you just scrap the whole thing. Here's option three. You exhale for a minute. Tell me about this company you're about to take over. Construction company. I've been with them for 22 and a half years. And they looked you in the eye and said you're the guy to run this thing.

We trust you and believe in you. Yeah. I started from working out in the field as a trash picker-upper, and I'm in the office now, and now I'm second in command. How long has this been brewing? Which part? The part where they started saying, hey, we want you to come into the office. We see something special in you.

We want you to make some bigger decisions. That's been the last seven. I went into the office about 2014, about 10 years ago. Okay. And it's really ramped up the last three years. Okay. Can we just stop for a second? Mm-hmm. What did we just stop for a second? Mm-hmm.

What did your dad do for a living? He worked for a credit company. He did credit reports and stuff for banks and whatnot. What'd your mom do? She was a special ed teacher for 23 years. So I'm going to ask you to do me a huge favor. She was a special ed teacher Okay For 23 years So I'm gonna ask you to do me a huge favor Think of your 15 year old

Um Son or daughter? Daughter Okay we're gonna call her Um We're gonna call her Jen Okay Your daughter Jen

Is about to do something She's never ever done Or seen done before By anybody she knows and loves. And she says, Dad, I'm scared. What would you tell her? That it'll be okay. That your mom and I are here with you.

You can lean on us if you need anything. Would you put Jen in a position that you knew she was going to fail just so you could poke fingers at her and say, I told you you weren't good enough? No. Never. Yeah. And I know this isn't father-daughter, but the owners of this company wouldn't put Jacob in charge. No.

It's family. Okay. It is family. It's extended family, but it's family, and no, they wouldn't. They wouldn't pick you. No. So here's all I'm going to ask you. No, it wouldn't. It wouldn't pick you. No. So here's all I'm going to ask you to do for right this second. I want you to be as kind to Jacob as you are to your daughter, Jen. Okay? Okay.

Three years ago, when you started feeling the weight of that squat rack, that squat bar, and they started adding more weight to it, they're like, no, it's about to be yours. Your body has no roadmap for that. It's never even seen it done inside your house. Your dad ran credit reports. Good, honorable job, and he got the job done. He probably paid the bills.

Your mom was an amazing teacher. She didn't run a school. It's all new. And alcohol took that edge off that burn, right? Oh, yeah. Did your drinking ramp up the last three years it did and then I ramped it down because I saw a problem and I go to the doctor regularly and they don't see anything but I know I know it's just a matter I know it's a

ticking time bomb okay but we also know this okay can we just be real honest with each other yeah yeah you get anxious you don't see reality for how it truly is fair fair because emotions and feelings are not designed to tell us the truth that's not their job their job is to freak us out and keep us alive right and so you know that nobody, you know objectively, nobody sees these mistakes that you just crucify yourself for. You know that you're a 26-year-old. You could go back if you could and do things differently because you were a dad at 18.

But you got a 26-year-old young man who's married and he's off making his own life, and you're pretty damn proud of him, aren't you? Oh, yeah. Yeah, very. You got a 15-year-old girl that you love to the moon and back don't you yes okay so we're going to exhale we're going to be kind to ourself we know that we don't see the world as it truly is and that's okay that means we got to go sit

across from somebody and say i need help seeing the world and feeling and experiencing the world as it truly is because right now i can't and i haven't been able to for a long time what I have to have you agree to is just because you took some steps backwards when it comes to drinking doesn't mean you failed you didn't crash and burn you're just not driving 85 miles an hour right now you had to slow down you got stuck in traffic for a bit it's okay you're still going in the right direction. Have you quit on yourself? I haven't.

I'm concerned because I make dumb decisions now because of it, and my income's about to be extremely more than it is, and I'm afraid I'm going to magnify those. That's why I need to get it under control before my magnifying glass gets really big. Have you been able to get it under control up until now? Not really.

Okay, and stop trying to do it by yourself. I try and I just... You can't. Cool. Yeah, it makes it worse. That's right. You get more anxious and it gets more heavy,

and you either have a drink, and you feel overwhelmed with shame, or you just white-knuckle it and white-knuckle it, and your 15-year-old daughter gets it taken out on her or somebody else at the offices, right? Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop trying to do this by yourself. You can go to a meeting tonight or tomorrow, and nobody in your family will know.

Nobody will know. Okay. Okay. Okay. And tell your wife, I'm going to get this thing under control. And let me tell you, I grew up the son of a cop. Okay.

I know about not having a lot. And then I know about having two number one bestselling books and a radio show. That's there. A podcast YouTube show. It's launched out. And so here's what I had to do. I had to call an old friend who does money for a living. I had to call a tax guy.

I had to call an attorney and sit down and say, I'm in a whole new world, and my dad doesn't have a map for this. No one in my family has a map for this. I need someone to walk alongside me. And they said, sweet, I got you. I'd ask for help. When the weight of this thing,

when the, I hate to say this, but when the fame part of this got big, some old demons resurfaced, man. I had to go sit with a therapist here in town. It's the best thing I've ever done. But I couldn't do it by myself. I just couldn't, man. And I do this for a living.

I couldn't do it by myself. And you can't either. Yeah, my wife's feeling it too. She tells me. I just couldn't, man. And I do this for a living. I couldn't do it by myself. And you can't either. Yeah, my wife's feeling it too. She tells me. I know she is. She loves you. And she both wants that new paycheck that's going to come. She bought low, right?

She bought in at 18. Oh, yeah, yeah. I mean, we were married and we did it all backwards, but here we are. Here you are, man. Three years later. Because you're a person who just makes it work, yeah. I mean, we were married, and we did it all backwards, but here we are. Here you are, man. Three years later. Because you're a person who just makes it work, dude. You never give up. Yeah.

She bought stock real low in you, and now it's about to cash in, and that's awesome. And she loves you for the whole— She sees me falling apart. I know, and she loves you. She loves you. Yeah. And it's not her job to carry you

and fix you either. Okay? No. No. So, I'm sorry, I try not to dump it on her. I know,

but you end up carrying it all yourself and you can't do that. So here's, here's, I need you to promise me this. Okay. Promise me you'll get off

this call and you will, with your phone, you'll Google a meeting and you will go to a meeting tonight or in the morning. Okay. In San Antonio. You'll do that? Yes, I will do that. Second thing is, do you promise when you go to this meeting you'll tell the truth? Yes. Okay.

I promise. This promotion is huge and your family's counting on you and they've been building this yada yada if you get to a place where you can't bear the weight of this thing by yourself you have to speak up you'll destroy the whole thing okay I can do that you can't you can't and if you can't right now you can't right now but you might be able to later and you might be able to get some people around you. I'm going to hook you up. I want you to stay on the line. I'm going to hook you up with a smart investor pro.

Okay? Okay. We'll get you some names of some people in your area. Actually, I'm going to do one better. I work at Ramsey Solutions here. I'm going to hook you up with a free coaching session with one of our financial coaches. Okay? Okay.

They're going to walk you through like making a budget when your income quadruples. And I know people listening like, oh, it must be nice. It's tough, okay? I got you. Yeah, it ain't easy.

No. It sounded good a few years ago. It does. It's heavy. And here's what you're figuring out. You're about to run the show and you went with you. That same guy that was insecure and was nervous, he's insecure and here's what you're figuring out you're about to run the show and you went with you that same guy that was insecure

and was nervous he's insecure and nervous just everybody's looking at him now yeah right yeah and now you're starting to realize oh that's why the

the head honcho makes so much money because they got to carry the whole company it's heavy yeah right so

exactly this coach is going gonna hook you up they're gonna get you connected with some smart investor pros a tax person in your area and they're gonna get you the right people but they can't make those calls for you

you gotta do that you gotta go sit down and talk to people okay okay alright it will give you peace

that's what I'm looking for alright and here's the last thing I want you to do You're what 44 you say? About to be 45? Yeah Alright I want you to write a letter tonight By yourself

To 50 year old Jacob and your wife Y'all will be Empty nesters You'll have a grandkid or two or three You'll be the president of a construction company that's still booming in San Antonio if the state of Texas hasn't melted by then

it's pretty hot right? not too bad today there you go and I want you to write a letter to 50 year old Jacob and talk about the things you decided to do on your 45th birthday

that made the life you have at 50 possible you started going to meetings. You got all the alcohol out of your house. You sat down and had the hard conversations with your wife you've been needing to have. You started exercising again. You told everybody on your leadership team, hey, I'm taking an hour. I'm knocking off an hour early to go see a therapist. What? You can't see a therapist? I am. And if y'all need to, I got you to take an hour and go do that. Okay?

I want you to remember this sentence. Secrets will kill you. All right. They'll kill you. And not everybody needs to know everything about everything, especially when you're the president of a company, right? Yeah. Yeah. I don't think you're broken, dude.

I think your body is prepping to hold the entire company up, and it's been running and chasing, and running, running, running for a long time. Do you love Jacob? I want to. Okay. I want to. Does your wife love Jacob?

She does. Does your three kids love Jacob? Oh, yeah. All right. I do, too. A whole bunch of people do. And when you can't hold your arms up,

I want you to lean on those other people that are holding it for you right now, okay? I want to be able to do the thing you talk about with your hand on your chest. I can't do it yet.

You can. you can by yourself I try it And I just start sobbing like a baby That's good, that's the path Do it right now Put your hand on your chest and say the words I love this guy I love this guy

Say it loud From your gut and say the words, I love this guy. I love this guy. Say it loud from your guts. I love this guy. And it's time I start taking care of him. And it's time I start taking care of him. Amen.

This is the day, right? It is, man. All right, brother. Get online and make that phone call, dude. Anything you ever need from me, you call. And you've got our back channel emails. If you need something, holler at us, okay? And hang on the line.

We're going to get you hooked up with that financial counselor, and we'll get you some logistical support for money, for taxes, that kind of stuff as you entered into this new world, but you got to go make the call to go to a meeting tonight, an AA meeting. You got to make that call. And if you and your wife need to go see a counselor, go see a counselor. Write that letter to 50-year-old Jacob and decide today, you're a 50-year-old me, and you're proud of, you're living the life because 45-year-old Jacob did a bunch of hard work. You're welcome.

I love you, good man. We'll be right back. Hey, it's Jeloni from my friends at Helix, makers of the best mattresses in the universe. Listen, I've slept everywhere and on every type of mattress surface imaginable. You name it and I've tried it. And my sleep on the Helix mattress has been transformed. I'm achieving newer levels of deep, deep sleep. And I've said this often, I'm going to keep saying it. Everyone in my family now sleeps on a Helix mattress. And my family, like all of you, is all different. Everybody's different. And because everyone sleeps differently,

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sleep quiz. You're going to find online and take the Helix Sleep Quiz. You're going to find the perfect mattress for your sleep preference, and it's going to take less than two minutes. And here's the best part. Helix offers the Dr. John Deloney Show listeners 20% off all mattress orders. Go to helixsleep.com slash deloney for 20% off. That's helixsleep.com slash deloney. With Helix, better sleep starts right now. All right, let's go out to Kansas City, Kansas, home of the Chiefs, Pima Homes,

and talk to the great and powerful Shelby. Hey, Shelby, what's up? Hey, how's it going? It's going good. Excellent. What's up? Hey, how's it going? It's going good. Excellent. What's up? Okay. So two years ago, my husband and I found out that we were having twins and we had a, I think he was 16 months old at the time, 18 months old. And so we kind of freaked out a little bit cause having three under two was, uh,

a little overwhelming. Um, that's against the law of physics. It's not supposed to ever, it's not supposed to ever happen. Congratulations. No, it's not. No. Thank you. Hey, at least when you have three kids in college at the same time, that'll be cheap.

That's super not helpful. I know, Shelby. Yeah. We won't think about that yet yeah that's a problem for future shelby yes okay so what's up yeah exactly um so uh we decided to um move closer to my parents and we actually ended up moving across the street from them oh good i'll call you uh ray ramone i don't know is that it's not Ramone It's Romano Ray Romano

That's it Everybody loves Raymond Everybody loves Raymond Yeah, there you go Oh, okay Yeah, yeah, yeah Alright, so you live across the street from your Here's the deal

You had three kids Ages two and younger And you looked at your husband And you're like Hey, you want to make our insane life Even more insane? And he was like Yeah

Oh, yeah And y'all moved across the street from your parents. It's awesome. Okay. Yes. So, I mean, it's, life is crazy. Like if I could get some sleep, that'd be great. But, and my husband does shift work.

So he is gone for 48 hours at a time. So we actually moved further from his work. So he has a two and a half hour commute to work. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. That becomes not shift work. That means that's the kind of work that you just take the F out. All right.

Yeah. He's commuting two and a half hours a day? No, no, no, no. So it's every two days. And then he gets four days off and then eight days off every couple months. So his schedule is unusual. Is he a fireman?

Yes, he is. Okay, okay. All right. Okay, so. We joke that he goes to work to get sleep. Of course he does. Jeez Louise. He gets better sleep at work than he does at home.

So he was willing. We made that move because there was a job that we were hoping would be, it was available before we moved, but technicalities, he wasn't eligible. But now, like, it did open up recently and he was eligible and he applied and he was accepted. However, there's some technicalities that we were like, you know, this isn't a good fit for our family. So he ended up turning it down. So that's the reason we were willing to move further from his work was because we thought we had a backup and the backup failed. So it was worth it to move across from my parents, if that makes sense. That was complicated. Okay, hold on. So y'all moved because you had an opportunity to be a fireman closer to your family.

You were going to use your parents living across the street to help with 111 kids under the age of two. Yes. And then he got an opportunity to do the job. And we turned it down. Y'all thought that whatever technicalities, as you call them,

was that was going to happen with this job was less of a burden on your family than a five-hour commute every week? Yeah. Wow. Yes. Okay. Because it had to do with his pension and his position and moving forward. We didn't know all of that before we moved.

But now we're thinking about moving again. Yes. Whatever you're about to say, the answer is yes. Move today. Yes. Exactly. Yeah. Cause he's, he's made that sacrifice. So, um, we're, we're, I take it. Your parents' situation is not working out like you had dreamed it would work out. Yes. Yes. Tell me about that. So, okay. So. So when we moved, we had this expectation that we would spend a lot of time with them, relational, not just help with the babies. Because, I mean, at the beginning, it was insane. I don't even know how I did it once my husband went back to work. I don't know how I did nights by myself.

It's a blur. And so we thought that we would get more dates and we have this expectation that we would have more dinners with my family. And I'm not saying that they're not involved. They've helped exponentially. But as of recently, it feels like their involvement, they have some kind of excuse or, you know, my mom's been really busy helping my brother with, um, some things that are, uh, pretty, I don't know how to say it. Um, he, she's the reason he's alive. Um, he's got some big struggles going on. Yes, yes, yes. And so he definitely needs her. Like it's, it's, yeah, he needs help. Um, hold on, hold on. These expectations that you had, did you, did you

also done a talk about them or did you and your husband just dream it up and then move across the street? No, I mean, we, yes, both. Um, my mom was saying, you know, we can go on walks together and we can spend all this time together. And so I had envisioned it in my head. So a lot of it was unspoken, but a lot of it was still mutual, if that makes sense. Have you heard me talk about pictures and words? Yes, but you can remind me. Okay. So we speak in words, but we think in pictures. And so when your mom said, yeah, we'll be able to help a lot. The picture in your head was weekly date nights and weekly, you and your husband work out together and y'all go for walks together.

Mom's over there being so great and doing the dishes and cleaning the bottles and showing up at 2 a.m. and helping you sleep. Her picture was once a month, you can go to the grocery store yeah right so y'all spoke the same words we'll always be able to hang out we'll go for walks together your picture was every day your picture was this big awesome you probably created a picture of your mom that doesn't exist in reality right right and right. And then you're mad. So you cast her in a movie she didn't even know she was in

and now you're just upset that she doesn't know the lines. Right. Yeah. I hate that for you. I've done that a million times myself. Yeah, it's not comfortable. No. For sure.

And then you start judging her for things she's not doing. She feels judged and she gets mad. And then your brother has some challenges and it's just an easy off ramp. Okay. So now where is everybody? Okay. So we had a conflict, I should call it. I don't know.

It was a... You speak around the bush too much. Just go straight into it. Okay. Okay. You had a conflict. What happened? Yes. Okay. So, um, we decided we need to move. We got to get closer to work. Yes. We hired a realtor. Okay. Uh, my mom was a realtor,

apparently still is, but she's not with a broker. So we didn't go with her because she's been helping like crazy, crazy busy with my brother. We didn't talk to her and she thought it was resentment because of her lack of involvement. Um, cause we had been, we've been so sick and just time after time I had 103 fever. The kids all had fevers. Like my husband ended up driving home to come help cause my mom couldn't help. And, um, so you got a realtor and your mom's a realtor and you didn't use her and she's got her feelings hurt now. Yes.

And so then it exploded into something it shouldn't have. Like it just completely blew out of proportion. Um, she was accusing us of that we were resentful and that's why we didn't choose her. But we, I mean, she's been so busy that like, we don't even talk because of how busy she's been. And so I've been accepting that and, and working on myself to be like, okay, like my expectations are my responsibility, like not on her. And so my husband and I made that decision and she, um, was offended by it and, um, ended up calling my husband and she was getting worked up. And he said, it's your choice if you want to be effing offended. And she got even more upset.

And then he was like, I need to go. And then he hung up. And so then she was texting me, your husband cussed me out, hung up on me. He did? Yes. He did? Yeah. He did? Yeah. Bring it home. How can I help?

How do we navigate this? How do I manage my expectations? How do I manage the relationship with my parents and it not turning into something as big as it did? You can't get, well, number one, don't cuss at your mom. Don't hang up on your mom. Right. That's, that's easy. Um,

I'm in, I'm in this space. May it may, your, your jaw may drop. I'm in mom's camp on this one in that she was at least worth a phone call. Yeah. Hey, I know you're super busy. I know brother's got a lot of stuff going on. We're going to move closer to work. This wasn't what we all, it just is. And we love you guys. We don't want this to burn a hole through our relationship down the road. We've got to get closer to work. This five-hour commute is not working.

And we've got this realtor who's plugged into a big machine and can get this house sold, especially in this crazy market. I would have thought that's... So let me say it this way. My mom is an English professor. One of the greatest editorial minds when it comes to writing and writing editing. For my first book, I sent her a draft and she went through it. The second one,

the deadlines were very tight. And because the first book was so successful, we were able to, I had an editor that worked alongside me so that we could edit in real time. I reached out to my mom and told her. And if I'm her, I would have thought after two dissertations, after two books, suddenly the third one, I would have immediately thought, oh, something happened. Because that's what she does, right? That's the craft that she's worked for 30-something years to perfect. And she's helped me get through a number of some of the biggest projects in my life. So I reached out and said, hey, they're hiring an editor to walk alongside me so we can do this in real time, have a ping pong match. And she was like, oh, that sounds amazing. But I got out of the way.

It wasn't a big surprise. And so I think that was worth the call. Here's the deal. Your husband's also right. Your mom's got a son who's really struggling. She had a picture of a daughter with three babies across the street. It didn't work out. She's grieving that. Mm-hmm. And so I'm going to give my mom the benefit of the doubt on the grief. She's not going to handle it well, and that's okay. Okay. I've got to take care of me and my home. Yeah.

Yeah. And if she chooses to have her feelings hurt, she gets to make that choice. She might be choosing to not hang out with you guys. Yeah. If you were to go across the street today and find somebody to watch the kids for an hour and just sit down with your dad and mom and say, I just want to start all the way over. I'm sorry. Yeah. This whole thing got sideways. I don't want it to be. I love you guys. I had this picture, three kids. It's crazy. It's chaotic. Brother, husband's five hours away, all this stuff.

I don't want to lose you guys. I'm sorry. Yeah. Would that be a net positive or would they just blow up on you? I don't think that, I mean, they already blew up. And we had told my mom that we were moving. We did tell her and I did tell her we had another realtor. We did all those things.

Is this all text message or are you going across the street and doing this in person? It was partial on the phone and partial on text. Okay, stop texting. No more texting. Tell your mom we're not texting anymore. I don't want to get any confusion or anything. I love you and I want to do all these things face-to-face, and worst-case scenario, by phone. Okay, yeah, I can do that.

Say, you can text me and say, hey, I need to give you a quick call, but we're going to start talking. Okay, yeah. We did talk for, like, an hour on the phone, but she was saying that, like, that she was concerned for my marriage, and it turned into, like, she didn't like how my husband said that to her. And she was like, I'm concerned for you and the kids. Sure.

And, like, you know, so I didn't appreciate it being turned on my marriage necessarily. But also, your mom's hurting. Your husband dropped F-bombs on her and then hung up on her. And was she out of her mind? Probably. Was she super angry? Probably.

Is he trained to be emotionally unreactive as a firefighter? Yes. Yeah, unless it's... Yeah. So here's the deal. Somebody at some point needs to step up and be the adult here. And everybody's in their emotions and in their feelings.

And you're moving three of her grandkids away while her son is struggling and not living into the pictures she'd created for him too. Moms create pictures. That's what they do. Dads do too. And yeah, if my daughter's husband is F-bombing my wife, hanging up on her, yeah, dude.

Everybody's going to hear it from me. Everybody's going to hear it from me. Right? And there's I wish mom wouldn't make those calls. She did. Okay did the only thing I can see the only path forward is just to reset the whole thing I'm sorry

if your husband could call and say I'm sorry I shouldn't swear like that at you that's on me, I'm sorry this job is demanding, it's a lot and I'm sorry he can do that great, if he can't it's kind of embarrassing, but so be it. Everybody does their own thing.

But somebody's got to be the adult here and then make some real concrete plans. And then mom gets to choose if she wants to use the last two months, five months, six months, however long y'all live there as a way to rebuild bridges and to get reconnected.

Cool. Or if she wants to sit across the street and look out the blinds at you and judge, she gets to pick that. I just wouldn't play that game anymore, man. Life's too short. Life's too stinking short. You got three kids under,

oh, two now, or three kids under three or however long. Man, let your energy be there. Let your energy be in keeping your marriage whole and strong while your husband's hours and hours away and y'all find a new place to go. Lots of emotions, lots of emotions, lots of emotions. Let's set those aside best we can. Let's make some adult decisions and go from there. Thank you so much for the call, Shelby. We'll be right back.

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What about you? Doing good, doing good. Excellent. What's up? Great. Got a dad question for you. Dad it up, dude. All right. So I'm a single dad. I got a great eight-year-old daughter. And I work hard at being a dad. I've been divorced for the lastold daughter. And, uh, you know, I work hard at being a dad. Uh, I've been divorced for the last seven years. And, uh, you know, my kids getting older, asking questions about relationships, mom, dad, you know, all that stuff. And, uh, so for me, you know, uh, I look at how I learned about relationships and, and, uh, you know, it's mostly through observation. Um, but, uh, you know, it's mostly through observation. But, you know, I'm not sure I'm ready to start dating yet. So I'm trying to see what I can do to teach her about healthy relationships without being in one.

Oh, that's a great question, man. Look at you signing up for dad of the year. It's awesome. Try it. What happened with your first marriage? Okay, I guess we can unpack that um i um it was a good marriage um for the most part and then uh you know there was an affair uh it ended pretty quick um yours or hers uh hers okay yeah um and hold on. Do that. That hurt is still right up near your surface. Have you, have you worked through that?

Um, yeah, I have, I have, you know, uh, I, uh, go to counseling and, and have since then. And, uh, um, you know, it was just a tricky situation. It was like a good marriage, uh, for, you know, seven years and then, uh, like a couple months of really bad. And, uh, so overall, you know, things were, were pretty good, like a couple months of really bad. And, uh, so overall, you know, things were, were pretty good there and still have an amicable relationship, but, uh, um, y'all are good co-parents. What's that? Y'all are good co-parents. Yes. Yes, we are. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So what, what has your story been with your eight-year-old so far as to

why you and mom don't live in the same house? There really hasn't been a story yet. Try to keep it light and not really get into any details. We're a different type of family. We work together. We just don't live together. A lot of her questions come from what she sees from her friends at school and other parents and things like that. Eight-year-olds are real, real smart. I have one.

Yeah, yeah. And they know way, way more than most parents give them credit for. Yeah. I do this for a living, and I'm constantly stunned at the stuff my daughter's picking up. Yeah. Does your wife have the I would call it the the strength of character

to sit down with her 8-year-old and say, Mom, I made some bad choices. We'll tell you about it when you get older. Mom made some bad choices. Would she be willing to do that or no? No. I don't think so. i hate that for your daughter dude yeah i hate that yeah i hate that because your daughter's gonna start asking herself what she could what she could do to get y'all back together is your mom remarried uh no no she is

dating but uh not not remarried jeez man i. All right. So you're stuck in that awful space of you can't really tell your daughter the truth at eight. One day you can. By the way, one day you can. 15, 16, 17, one day you can. Okay? And we're not going to run down mom. She's a terrible mom.

Mom made some decisions that hurt dad real bad. Yeah. That's just telling the truth. It's not running people down, et cetera, et cetera. To answer your question, you're right. A really important day-by-day, minute-by-minute model for what relationships and love look like is a kid watching two parents. And you don't have that. Yeah.

And that's okay. The next best proxy is how you treat her and how you treat every other woman you interact with, whether it's a waitress, whether it's your ex wife, whether it is the woman at the Southwest counter, any other person that your daughter, it radiates from you that you honor and respect and treat women with dignity.

That's as little things like when you and your daughter go out for breakfast or for lunch and you ask, hey, what are two or three of your favorite things about that woman who was bringing us our dinner? Let your daughter just talk about it. And then say, here's how much the meal cost. Let's leave her a tip. What's a tip, dad? Well, a tip is a way we can honor her extra. And this money goes directly into her pocket. Let's make the tip wild.

Right? And those are ways that she gets to see in real time with real numbers, you choosing to honor people. Okay. See what I'm saying? Yeah. and they absorb it, but if you kept a spiral that you put on her bed that she then writes in and puts on your bed, she can read it

and then reread it and then reread it. And if you use map colors or crayons or something silly, it might take you 10 minutes, five minutes, but if you do that on a regular basis, one of the greatest gifts

we can give our kids is time. And it will eventually sink in the amount of dedicated time, even those 5 minutes, 10 minutes that dad spent on daughter, that will lift her up. This is what this looks like. See what I'm saying?

I do. I do. So it's these small things. Do not start dating if you're not ready, just so you can try to show her what dating looks like. Don't do that. Yeah. Okay. Let her feel from every single day of her life how much dad is invested.

By the way, this doesn't mean that you never miss a game, you never miss a recital, you never miss a whatever. That's not what I mean. I mean that when y'all are together, there's a laser between the two of you okay there's not a phone there's not a there's not a digital babysitter there's not an ipad there is a laser beam from dad yep and she will know when she meets somebody my dad loved me way more than you do idiot right you're right my dad paid way more attention you do. Idiot. Right? You're right. My dad paid way more attention. My dad even wrote me notes every night. How can you not, stupid boyfriend who wants to date? Right? I mean, you'll create a bedrock of safety for her that another man will have a hard time matching and good. That's what we want, right?

That's exactly right. Yeah. And again, I'm not going to lie to you. It'd be better if you and mom were still in the same house and she could watch you do that. I watched my daughter the other day. My wife and I were smooching in the kitchen and my daughter was going, ew, gross! And she was making this,

she's eight too, but I caught her, she was covering up her eyes and going, gross! But I saw her looking through her fingers. Yep. She wanted to see it,

right? And so, she's just absorbing it and absorbing it. And she sees me walk in the front door, completely ignore my daughter and go straight for my wife.

Like, she is learning like, oh, that woman is the most important thing in my dad's life. Which is awesome. And so, you don't have that.

So we're going to do the next best thing, which good on you for even asking the question, man. Where did you even come up with that idea to ask that question? You know, just a lot of time thinking, you know, I'm getting questions from her. What kind of questions? You know, how come you and mom don't live in the same house? You know, how come you don't kiss? Are you going to live in the same house again? Things like that.

And then I realized I'm not, I have a defense mechanism put up. You know, everything I do is to make sure I have this safe bubble around the both of us. So I would say, you know, even my family doesn't live in state. So, you know, I have a handful of close friends. So I don't have a lot of relationships. And I was just kind of, as I'm getting those questions, I'm thinking about, you know, what can I do here? Kind of given the situation that I'm in.

Yeah. And again, this is geographically bound, but some of the greatest parenting wisdom I got was from a buddy, S.J. Dahlstrom. He's a children's author and he's worked at children's homes for years. And one of the things he told me early on when my son was born was, take your son everywhere you can possibly take him.

And that's happened with my son and my daughter, but he gets to watch me interact with other adults. So he gets to see it, right? My daughter gets to see it. I try to take her everywhere I possibly can. And so I think at eight years old, I'm gonna start bringing her. Now, you can't take her to a bar.

If you're gonna be out till midnight, you can't do that kind of stuff. But if you're going to the grocery store, you're coming with me. If we're going over to a friend's house for dinner, she's coming too. Even if it's awkward, even if she has to take a coloring book and crown, we're going to try to curate that world, right? And, dude, kids can feel the effort you are putting into keeping the world a mirage.

Yeah. At some point, you have to say say me and mommy were married and as adults we made a decision to not be married anymore we still respect each other mommy um and i don't do romantic love together anymore but we both are together and united and making sure you have a great life why what happened Those are adult things. And when you get older, we'll talk about them, but those are adult conversations. So trying to pretend like, oh, we're just married. We just don't live in the same house and we don't have any affection and she dates other guys. Like that's going to blow your daughter's mind way more

than just saying, no, we decided together that we were not going to be married anymore. Yeah. Yeah. And we both wish it had been different, but it wasn't. And when you get older, we'll tell you more about it. Yep. Yeah. Does that make sense? Yeah, it does. It does. It's super helpful. And you can ask her and you can even do this. What are 10 questions you want to ask about me and mommy? And, or 10 questions, you get 10 questions to ask dad ask about me and mommy and are 10 questions you get 10 questions to ask dad anything i don't know dad anything and you might only be able to answer four of them and you can say these other six i'm writing down in this little journal here and these are for when you get older you're not there yet but one day oh come on no these are grown-up questions but i'll answer them one day okay same as you know she can't have a grown-up drink,

or same as she can't watch this TV show because she's a kid, or same as she can't have ice cream for breakfast. It's going to go into that bucket, but here's the meta that she's going to pick up, the meta message. Dad's in control. Dad's not hiding. And when Dad's trying to prop up a bubble, like, oh, it's all cool, it's cool, she can feel Dad hiding.

Yeah. So I'm not going to gonna answer that question you're too young but that's a good question and i'll answer it one day i know that's important to you like that's that shows dad's in control yeah and good on you for being it for being a good dad that wants to honor this young girl. Good for you, man. Yeah. Yeah, she's my world. Yes, dude. And you're hers, right? I'm proud of you.

I'm really proud of you, man. You give me hope for dads raising daughters all across the country. And dads, this is it. If you're facing a situation with your kid and you want to do better, ask some people. Find some people you trust. Reach out. This is not something you can be like, I don't know how to do that. I just don't know.

No, no, no. It's your job to figure it out. Ask hard questions. Go see a counselor. Go see a child. Do something. Do a bunch of things. But be the best dad you can be.

Show up. Whatever, regardless of your situation. Good on you, Douglas. I'm proud of you, man. All right, everybody, we'll be right back. Hey, what's up? Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious or burned out or chronically stressed at some point. In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life. Get your copy today at johndeloney.com.

All right, we're back. Kelly, what do I do on social media now? All right. So I'm going to read this one. I like this one. I don't follow it all the time. Is it one that says, be kind to your coworkers? No. Okay.

Please love yourself enough to get seven to nine hours of sleep as often as you possibly can. Arrested you is an optimal you. Plan for it. Demand it. Do it. So this was a note. I wrote to myself Because I don't do it very often. I don't think you did it last night. I did not but I did I did rock on till the break of dawn literally and it was awesome

So, okay. I mean again, it's it's it's a balanced life um But yeah, it's just a note like Deloney love yourself enough to go to sleep right and that's me sitting at 945 or 930 and I'm tired my body's starting to fade and then I just grab my phone and then now we're off to the races

or I just go sit down and start reading a book or something and my wife's like why don't you just go to sleep I can see it on you and I'm like well don't you just go to sleep? I can see it on you. And I'm like, well, you know, I just go to sleep. So it's just everybody. If you love yourself enough to get seven, nine hours of sleep,

just go to bed. Just go to bed. That new series is not worth it. Punk rock shows, 100% worth it. Band practice, 100% worth it. Kelly, her tattoo appointments, super worth it. Her geriatric meetings that she goes to, definitely don't want to miss those.

But on the whole, dude, go to bed. Just go to bed. Go to bed. I saw Mark Manson posted something the other day, and he was like, when I was 18 or 21 or something, I swore I'd never be the guy that went to bed at 9.30, didn't drink, and whatever. And he said, now that I'm in my 40s, the only question I can ask is what took me so long. All right.

What a great life. What a great life. All right. Go to bed, everybody. Go to bed. Love you guys. Stay in school. Don't do drugs.

And age gracefully like Kelly. See you guys. Stay in school. Don't do drugs. And age gracefully like Kelly. See you soon.