The Dr. John Delony Show - I Got Drunk and Slapped My Girlfriend

Episode Date: September 3, 2025

On today’s episode, we hear about: A man wondering if he can rebuild his relationship after hitting his girlfriend A Navy wife trying to help her daughter through a long deployment A father unsure of how to tell his adult daughter it’s time to move out Next Steps: 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test 📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards  💭 John's Free Guided Meditation  🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch   Connect With Our Sponsors: Need to talk to someone? BetterHelp is virtual therapy when it’s convenient for you. Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. These are the BEST sheets and towels in the world. Get up to 40% off with code DELONY at Cozy Earth.   Getting lots of spam calls? DeleteMe can clean up your online presence for you. Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe.  Find peace every day. Hallow is the simplest way to slow down and get your head right for the day. Go to Hallow for a 90-day free trial.  I have Helix Midnight mattresses in EVERY bedroom in my house. Get 20% off when you visit Helix Sleep and take the sleep quiz to see what you need!  I took Thorne supplements way before I worked at Ramsey. I’m stoked that we can work together now! Get 25% off for LIFE at Thorne.    Head over to Poncho Outdoors to try the best outdoor performance shirt for yourself!   Explore More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights   🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💡 The Rachel Cruze Show 💰 George Kamel 🪑 Front Row Seat with Ken Coleman 📈 EntreLeadership   Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Back in June, I did something that completely shocked me, and I traumatized my girlfriend. We went out for dinner. We had a couple, too many strong drinks when I got back. You're going to think, like, I'm a horrible person, but I ended up slapping her. First and foremost, I would tell every single woman in this situation. What up? going on what's going on this is john with the dr john deloney show coming to you live from national tennessee but not really live pretty recorded but i'm live right now taking your calls on you know whatever's going on in your life your mental and emotional health your relationships your

marriages whatever you got going on i'll sit with you and i'll walk with you as we figure out what's the next right move you want to be on the show go to john deloney dot com slash ask ask we take your calls from all over planet earth if you write into the show leave a message we will holl the back girl at you and we will get you on can't wait let's go out to philadelphia pennsylvania and talk to alex what's up alex hey john um what's doing okay i'm i'm a huge fan but um yeah i just wanted to talk about something that happened back in june and i got a i got a doozy for you today um pretty pretty horrible okay go for um so back in june I did something that completely shocked me

and I traumatized my girlfriend for some context. I'm a college student. I was in a great relationship and when we went out for dinner and we had a couple too many strong drinks and I blacked out

and then I think I drank more after that so it was just bad but I ended up slapping her and I'm not a violent person like I've never had this impulse of doing something like this to her or anyone and I woke

up, no recollection of anything that happened. I found out about it that morning and just a crazy shock. So I guess my question would be, what can I do to work through myself and figure out what happened on my end that night and ensure nothing like this happens again to anyone? And how can I help her feel safe around me again? And what steps can we take as a couple to build our relationship. I'm sifting through I'm trying to be measured in my response, right? And you get that.

First and foremost, I would tell every single woman in this situation to not talk to you ever again. Okay. So, like, I want to put your relationship stuff aside for now okay and the greatest gift you can give somebody when you physically assault him and then you say i don't know why i do that i don't know where that came from is to say the greatest way i can love you is to get you out of my sphere until i've got a handle on this

and so if she were on the phone i would say you're dating this person hang up the phone block him and just never talk to him again right she's not on the phone with me you are so the next thing i would ask you you said you did this thing you woke up and i'm sure she told you all about it how did the next morning conversation go as she walked you through what had happened um i mean i totally there was no argument on my end i was um incomplete shock and i find i find that honestly like Just between me and me, I find that hard to believe. Why? Because you're talking about a Jekyll and Hyde situation that's just so rare outside of, like, deep pathology.

Well, that's why I'm legitimately trying to figure out what's going on, because I, like, you're saying, like, I should have remembered that. No, no, no. I'm saying nobody or it's it's astoundingly rare and I'm trying to rack my brain right now thinking if I've ever talked to somebody and I can't I may have over the years I've talked to thousand I mean so many people but I can't remember a time that somebody even when drinking like often what happens with alcohol is it peels back it it it pulls apart the layers of our protective masks to be union for. for a second like it pulls away those layers and you get a version of yourself that is like oh there he is right okay and so it would it would it would it would shock me to say you have never had a violent outburst you've never screamed and yelled at somebody you've never said stupid things you never have that that has never happened in your life it just happened this one time no 100 I've been gotten too drunk and been extremely childish, childish, yelled, screamed,

and, like, treated her, like, but, like, never, like, something on this level. Okay, that's not childish. That's abusive. And when you call it childish, it's a way to pacify this behavior. So I want you to... I mean, like, I get childish about, like, arguments or like insecurities and stuff and then I become abusive. Abusive. Okay. Before her, when did this happen in your life? Never.

I've had relationships before, but I've never been drinking with, I never were drinking with them because I was in high school and we weren't partying too much. And this has never happened to me. Okay. like in isn't yeah how much have you consumed how often have you consumed alcohol after this since this has happened yep um i've gone to concerts and stuff and had a couple beers but nothing

to the point where i've gotten drunk per se um but yeah i've i've drank beer since since this you can you can like i'm just going to be honest with you brother i don't think you're ready yet okay because what you roll what you're wanting to do is keep your life exactly the same with a few modifications to it and you have a unstable impulse inside of your chest and so you want to i'm just not going to drink hard liquor but i'll just drink some beers i'm gonna go out and just kind of do my thing but like i just won't do this thing and like i just get childish and then i say dumb things and you're not grasping the full reality of this like if you if you like you can never drink again ever okay and you have to say

hey honey we need two months away from each other and i'm going to go sit down with a therapist because I'm not okay because I don't think you're fully grasping the depth of which you're unstable if you drink to blackout and another version of you emerges you get what I'm saying yeah that comes from a level of repression and insecurity that has to make its way out in other places do you have a problem like I need you if you're not going to be honest in this kind of a waste of a phone call so you're are you all in I'm an honest person. Okay.

Do you have a problem exaggerating or kind of telling a bigger tale when you're talking to your buddies or talking to a professor? Are your parents? Do I have a problem exaggerating? Yeah. Are you kind of exaggerating? Do I exaggerate stuff? Yeah. I wouldn't say that I do that.

Like exaggerating like my accomplishments? No, just life. Hey man, you're five minutes late. Yeah, I know. traffic was kind of crazy it wasn't no i'm pretty i would say i'm pretty genuine i like to think of myself as a genuine person i know but you're not that's the thing i think the challenge here is you like to think of yourself as fill in the blank yet your actions are are separate from that i see that's what i'm trying to merge is is behavior's a language like i you have the

this image of yourself as yet reality is showing us something different yeah and so this projection you have in the world is like i'm pretty honest guy i'm a i'm actually a great guy if i do this one thing then i become a monster in your words i become childish but then i'm cool and i tell you it's not cool so you think i'm just repressing a lot and lying to myself I think you're walking through the world with a pair of glasses on that isn't reality. Either that or you have such a deep pathology related to alcohol. That would be different than... I can't touch that.

Ever again. Yeah. Who have you talked to, counselor, like... I want to start therapy. Why haven't you? I don't know where to start I don't want to get my parents involved and I don't know like how I would do it on my own

and also I'm like I'm really busy but I know that's not an excuse. Yeah and that's the thing. So to heal from something like this you have to acknowledge there is a monster that lives with inside me. I'm not saying you're a monster. I'm saying you have a monster inside of you.

and i'm i'm hard pressed to believe that it only comes out with your when you're drinking but i'm going to take you at your word on this call and almost every person i've ever met in this situation has spends a ton of energy in their non wasted life their non drunk life carefully curating an image to the world and that is exhausting and alcohol frees you from it and whoosh, the dragon emerges. Bro, feel free to tell me I'm wrong, that you're just a happy, go-licky guy, you make straight A's, you're a good kid,

and then all of a sudden I just hit my girlfriend in the face. Like, I'm totally open. I'm trying to really think about it, but honestly, I see myself as a pretty free spirit. Like, and I know you, like, like this is like what I want to see myself as but I genuinely like don't care a lot about what other people think about me and like I like to

like that's the quality that I like about myself and I don't think I'm always curating I'm always curating an image I mean obviously like sometimes yes we feel like everyone curates some kind of image sometimes but I do think, I do know that there is some monster inside of me that I need to work through and process. And I, this has been the worst thing that is like I've ever done and it's ever happened in my life.

I don't want to, I'm not the victim here, but the guilt and the looking myself in the mirror is, it's, it's, it's, insane. Yeah. But I'll tell you, the holding onto that without sitting in front of somebody and being seen and heard will kill you. Yeah. It will magnify this. I should go to my school's counseling office or should I go on to like a better, like a website like better help? If you go to, no, you need to be in front of a person. Okay. In front of a live person. If you go to your school, I'm going to tell you right now

they're going to have to respond to the fact that one of their students got hit in the face by another student yeah and so there will be student conduct accountability

with this make no mistake they'll have to especially because you don't know why this happens and you don't know when this happens again exactly

yeah I'm terrified of I'm like if I didn't have any intentions of this at first like what feels like uncontrollable like what like I don't even

but the main thing switch that you've told me is controllable is when I drink I be this this thing gets released yeah and so also you think it's like more than it's more than just not hard look like like I need to be completely sober absolutely yes yeah and if you if you don't like who you are or you don't like how you feel when you're sober that's what you need to go sit down in an address and so the greatest gift you can give her the greatest act of love you can give her is to say I need to break off contact with you for 60 days while I go down a rabbit hole to figure out who why am I hiding from myself so desperately there's there's no way to do to be together and and do that self-discovery and

healing you could do what you want man but I'm telling you from the rooftops if this was any woman in my sphere my sister my wife my daughter my friends my friends daughters I would say do not talk to this person until they are unwound period Because here's the thing, you don't know why you did that. That means every time she enters into your space, she's taking a risk to a fist in the face, dude. And she's not on the phone with me. You're worth more than that, man. Yeah, I hate.

that person who did that don't hate the person hate what happened if you start hate if you try to if you try to heal from i hate him you have to heal from a place of i'm worth self-control i'm worth being a safe loving presence i'm worth being able to see something and exhale and walk away for a yeah right yeah and I don't know any man in the world that doesn't have things that set them off the biggest part

one of the greatest responsibilities of a man is to know those things are there and to take into account when and when not to let them out I would be willing to bet I don't have a lot of money I would be willing to bet a chunk of money

that you're not going to be able to do that because you're not willing to do it not talk to her yeah not to not give like say i need to go get healthy and i'm not safe to be around we're cutting ties for 60 days i love you it's been an amazing nine months i have to go detox from you as my drug from figuring out why in the world i drink till i black out and i become like this some dragon comes out of my chest that I've got kind of this curated image of myself that I have to prop up with weed and alcohol and sex because I have to numb myself to being in the world of my own skin I need at least 60 days and we'll put a day on the calendar we'll go have breakfast

we'll meet in a public place and we'll go have breakfast but I've got to I've got to keep you safe and I got to keep myself safe and I got to get to the bottom of this And you will not by any stretch of the imagination be quote unquote free in 60 days. But you'll be on a path to begin to see the world a little bit clearer. And you have to resolve, brother. I can not touch alcohol because you cannot ever hit a woman in the face. drunk, blacked out, sober, ever. Period. Thanks for the call, man. And I hope you hear me trying to talk to you in love and not just

beating you up. And I know that don't read the comments on this call because people are going to be brutal and awful and ugly. Know that I'm imagining my daughter in her place. And so I do have anger in my chest. You can hear it. I do have rage in my chest. You can hear it. But I'm also trying to honor the fact that I got a hurting broken kid in front of me who is saying, I don't want to be like this. And I'm willing to sit with you and love you. But you have to take full accountability. And that starts with sitting in front of somebody vulnerably

knowing that what I put on the table will have consequences. And those consequences are okay and right. And that will be the path towards getting well. Thanks for the call, brother. I'll take your call. Anytime you want to call my show and let me know how you're doing. we come back a mom is struggling to hold it together during her husband's long silent navy deployments this show is sponsored by better help all right everybody in the world is talking about therapy these

days and i often hear folks say i don't have any major traumas in my life i don't think therapies for me this is super important therapy isn't just for people dealing with major traumas it can be for that it has been for me, but it can also be a valuable tool for anyone looking to improve their mental and emotional and relational well-being. I see a therapist for both the big challenges from my past, as well as helping me navigate the day-to-day challenges that pop up in my life, and many of you should see someone too. And if you're thinking about trying therapy, contact my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online so it's affordable and convenient for your schedule. As the largest online therapy provider in the world, BetterHelp can provide access to mental

health professionals with a diverse variety of expertise. They also have over 10 years of experience matching people with the right therapist just for them. To get started, you just fill out a short online survey to get matched with a licensed therapist. If it's not the right fit, you can switch therapists at any time easily and for no extra cost. Talk it out with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P.com slash Deloney. Let's go out to Seattle, Washington, and talk to Elizabeth. Hey, Elizabeth, what's up? Hey, John, how's it going?

Doing all right. How are you, lady? Oh, pretty good, pretty good. Been better, been worse. Awesome. What's up? So my husband basically becomes a ghost every three years. He works in the Navy.

He's on a submarine. So we get about 24 hours notice of comings and goings, which wasn't so bad when it was just me. But now we have a nine-year-old daughter this time. around. And she's a special needs. She's a little bit on the autistic spectrum. So routine is kind of where she thrives. And this is very anti-routine. So I'm trying to find a way to help support her and my husband and help them, like, stay connected during these crazy next three years we have coming. I could use some wisdom and a guide map. I'll give you a guide map, but you're not going to like it. Is that cool? I'll take it. All right. Let me get a little more

context here. So on these three-year deployments, what does resurfacing look like? Is there times, I know probably every email gets read, there's no communication, that kind of thing. 100%. Yeah. Whenever, are there, no pun intended, are there days in times when he comes up for air and is free to call, or is it three years of silence? Yeah, we get no phone calls, but it's not three years in a stretch. So it's a lot of in and out. Okay. So it'll be, it could be, you know, we'll get a call. Hey, he's leaving tomorrow. Cool. We see him off. And then we'll get a call maybe in three months. Hey, I'm coming home. Okay. So we don't have a date. But there's a lot of in and out. We kind of have a season, shall we say. I'm like, well, he's probably going to be gone over

the holidays. Okay. You know, that kind of thing. And then you get 24 hours notice and he's got to ship out and it's just silence. Exactly. There's no phone calls. Yeah, we get something like email, but, you know, there's no links attached. You can't send photos. And you never know, they can only get and receive them when it's safe for them to come up and ping a satellite. There you go. And they're kind of in the world's most dangerous game of hide and seek. So it's not very often. Of course, that's right.

Okay. So I'm going to tell you Numero Uno, which, oh, let me ask one more question. Sorry. Is this your daughter, your, y'all choose biological kid? Did you all adopt her? How did you just suddenly get a nine-year-old with special needs? She is our bio kid. Okay.

But the last time we went through this rotation, it was during COVID. So everything was very different. Okay. And we had, like, video chats every day because he was sick and stuck in a hotel room, and it was very different than this time around. Okay. And I think now that she's older, too, it's been, what, three years since the last one. So they do, like, three years of this crazy in and out, and then three years of, like,

an office job. And then they talk you back into going on the sun. Right, right, right. So she's had him dad home pretty much every night for the last three years. Okay. And all of that's about to change. And we have a great relationship. My husband, I have a great relationship.

Sure. He's got a pretty good relationship. with her, homecoming is always rocky. Tell me about that. Tell me about homecoming. Everyone's always very, I think it's very typical of military families, but for those people who aren't familiar with it, you see the homecomings on TV where everybody hugs and love each other, and that's fantastic.

But we will have, my daughter and I will have developed a routine and a lifestyle, and he's got to figure out, like, where he fits in, and we've got to adjust to this other person being home. Right. And she's got to adjust to another adult that can tell her what to do. Right, right. So it's kind of a battle. I think last time it really took probably like a year, year and a half for them to be much more comfortable with each other.

I'm kind of hoping now that she's older, it will be different. Well, it will always be different, but it will be smoother. How verbal is she? How social is she? She can talk. She's very expressive in that regard. That's not kind of where our sticking point is. But we get into kind of like shutdown mode and meltdown mode from time to time.

And it's something my husband is also. being in the military, everything is very, like, rigid has to happen now. Correct. And that works for her routine, but when we start getting out of that routine as life requires you to do, it's hard for him to slow down. Yes. And you address the meltdown, you know, kind of get through the meltdown. Right.

That makes sense. Absolutely. And then be able to talk to her. And also being in the military, like, just that she's very sensitive to sound. Okay. And his voice gets very big. Right. So, so what, I'm hearing two important things.

One is... her outburst or her shutdowns. I like to think of them in this way, and it's not apples to apples, but I was blown away working with students, with young people with autism, that they're way more perceptive than they would seem. Yeah.

But their outbursts are, I mean, they can be these huge expressions of love that they just don't process like somebody not on the spectrum would. Right. They come across his shutdown. They come across as hitting. They come across as kind of just manic, if you will.

And if somebody's walking in with a picture of this is how my house is going to go now that I am home. Yeah, I mean, that's a recipe for, it's a tension that meets tension, that meets tension, that meets explosion. Right. That's a great way to put it. And, I mean, and she, her shutdowns look like she doesn't want anybody to touch her. And as a father coming home, like he can't even give her a high five or a hug, you know. Correct. And he also doesn't want to be that man that's forcing himself.

Of course, of course. So here's a couple of things I would start doing now. When does, give me a range of when he ships out? Is it one month from now? Is it 30 days? Is it tomorrow? Actually, we lost him last week. Okay.

Don't say that. Don't say we lost him last week. We'll put it in his way. He's out finding Nemo, but there aren't really good portholes. There you go. There you go. Okay. All right.

So I would do a couple of things here big, and then I'm going to give you the big thing that you're not going to like, okay? thing number one is I would start if you can build this into your routine if you could do it every day that would be awesome

that's probably too much if you could do it two or three times a week or if you could put you all like a wall calendar yeah if you could put and even ask your daughter

if she can put two times a week when we're going to send a message underwater to dad and that can be we're going to write them a letter together

we're going to draw them a picture together she's nine right you said Yeah, yeah, and she has some fine motor skill issues, but we do try to do the emails every day, but I'm finding that she's just not interested, and part of it is because addressing that makes you sad. Yeah, I'm talking about a, like, with a pen and paper. Oh, okay, yeah, yeah. And so it's going to serve two purposes. One, it's going to keep her relationally tethered in some shape, form, or fashion.

It could be a picture. It could be a, we're both going to draw a picture of a tree for dad because he's underwater and there are no trees underwater. but we're going to do this thing and so that when he shows back up he will have three years of letters when he returns we're going to go get a life size teddy bear or dog stuffed animal

and she during her because she's going to be 12 when life quote unquote resumes right? Yeah he's going to be in and out for the next three years but then yeah and then he'll be home for another three and then we'll see what life spring. Okay. I want to give him something and this is this is kind of a end around because he needs this too. He's just going to be a tough military guy and I'd be able to say this out loud. He needs something to hug too. Yeah. So he's going to walk in and if she shuts down and doesn't want

to hug him, he's going to say, I love you so much, but I'm going to hug this dog and pretend to you. That's a great idea. And she, he's going to get to release that hug and it's not going to be his daughter. And by the way, my daughter's not on the spectrum, and she struggles with sensation and it breaks my freaking heart that I can't hug her sometimes. Oh, yeah. I mean, I'm her mom and sometimes. We basically, at that time, we're like, kisses, hugs, high five, knuckles, wave. What do you want to? My daughter and I right now, we just developed a new high five routine this morning. Perfect. And so, and here's a thing, she wants to hug me. And she gets caught in her own loop. And so, but here's the person who has to manage that, me. I'm the adult.

And so I will hug the stuffed animal and say, this is my hug for you. I love you so much. And then we do our high five routine. I love that. That's a great idea. But it also gives your husband a way to direct that because he's going to have dad guilt

and then he's going to try to wallpaper over the dad guilt with, I'm serving my country. And then he's going to go over that with, but I need to be a dad and to be present. And then you're going to look at him kind of hollowed out because you're exhausted from being a single parent. It's going to be all that crap.

there's something about I can channel that I can hug my wife and I can hug this little bear and then I will do the high that will help regulate an adult which is embarrassing but it is what it is what it is and I live that life too yeah yeah that makes sense

yeah that's a great idea now you started this call by and by way give him a thing that he can sit at the table and it could be dinner time and once a week he's going to open up one of these pictures or once a night at dinner when she doesn't want to talk

she's not making eye contact she's just eating quietly he's going to open this up and it will be i love you dad in the form of a picture of a bird because there's no birds underwater yeah and his his job is to take 10 seconds and just say how i feel so love that you drew me this picture of this bird and how she responds to that will be filtered through all kinds of her aBA stuff and her like all that that's all well and good his job is to regular himself and let her know I'm back in a stable, sturdy presence. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, I got

admit, like one of the things I love best about him is that he's always been, I mean, just as in it as I am and willing to learn and be flexible and having to measure your own reaction. Yes. But kids with autism. She's looking for what kind of response do you want?

That's it. That's it. There's no wrong answer. That's it. But that when he's measuring his response, she feels feels that measuredness and she tries to match it and she the challenge with being autistic somewhere on that spectrum is the the return misses right like the social return I smiled so you're going to smile back it is I don't what kind of smile is that and I don't have in my toolkit that return and then I see that you go to a frown and now I feel like it's that it's that volley back and forth that we all just take for granted socially yeah if he can take it's that from her look at this picture and feel it big i love this or if if the volume is too big i feel so loved right now thank you for loving me when i was in the boat underwater i got to you man this is so great and that way she doesn't have to volley she's already hit it and he is returning it she's getting to witness that experience but she doesn't have to participate in it you get what i'm saying

yeah yeah no that that it gives her a really safe distance but yes feel included yeah and then slowly hopefully she can feel his not that he's measuring himself but she can feel the welcomeness and that brings that back all right here's the uh and again i am spitball in here i don't know where she falls on that spectrum so you modulate that for your daughter in your house and your husband right yeah you called your first question was how do i help her and help him the greatest gift you can give them is that you be okay i knew you were going to say that okay you have to have a group of women that you just can weep with, laugh with, that you build a new routine with. Yeah, I think that's something I'm constantly working on because we're a little older

for the military force than most of them. And like I'm not, I don't drink when my husband goes out so I don't fall into like the wine mom military category. So it's kind of like I know it's really, really wild and out there. But no, I can tell your why. So good for you. But I mean, you could you can host at your house like the no complaint zone like we're going to invite the wives over and i'm going to be the wise old the old mom right like whatever um yeah my wife and i waited for a long time to have kids and so we fall i mean most of our our kids parents are 10 years younger than us and so we we kind of serve in that like hey what do you all think about this hey can we talk this afternoon like and that's cool and awesome but for you in that routine and especially for your daughter too but

I'm just going to set that up Tuesdays and Thursday nights or at our house. Yeah. And maybe one person shows up, maybe four people, and you just have to go be weird. Yeah. And then you've got to commit to, I love that you set some boundaries for yourself. I just don't want to be the, because you'll find yourself 24 months in knocking off a bottle of wine a night and just be like, oh gosh, talking about housewives of, like, you don't want to be that person and I love you for that.

Yeah. But you're going to have to backfill that with something more than a nine-year-old. special needs. Yeah, I mean, I do work and that helps too. So I'm a, no, it doesn't. No, it doesn't. It doesn't help. I get to build other people and that's the fantastic part of my job. I get to be a personal trainer for strength training. I do like strong man in Olympic lifting and I get to take these women who, you know, look at grocery bags and think it's heavy and they get a whole new aspect on life, you know, by the end of it. I know, but who are you allowing to build you? Yeah, I've got a couple of besties, but they live too far away. You're right. So we do a

phone call like once a week, but it doesn't feel the hole. You're right, my friend. But maybe you sign up for a race or you sign up for a competition or you sign up for line dancing. I don't know. It's you signing up for something, you being a part of something, but here's what I'm getting at. You're going to find yourself devoting your life to other people, which is beautiful and amazing. But if it comes at the expense of you being well and hole you're going to have you're going to be a completely depleted person when your husband walks in that door and it's you're not doing this just for him you're going to have you're going to you're not get you're slowly going to not have anything to give this daughter to give your husband

to give yourself to give these clients of yours unless you also have on the calendar schedule time per day per week per month and as a single mom of a special needs kid this these are fleeting times right it's not easy but where i am allowing somebody else to build a me up whether that's a yoga instructor like take a new class come back and you know Spanish I don't know what it is but when he comes back you know Spanish but allowing yourself I to be the best version of myself for all these other people who I love and care about I have to go first for me and that starts with you looking in the mirror every morning when you're tired and exhausted and saying I'm worth an hour today I'm worth two hours today I it's such an honor to talk to you anything you need you

call me and call anytime thank you for being serving our country at home keeping this thing locked down thank your husband for what he does um playing hide and seek in the depths thank you so much for everything about your your willingness to call in today i'm super grateful anything we can do to help over this journey you never hesitate to call us you're a hero we come back a man asks how do i tell my daughter she's got to move out all right let's get cozy you know that i love adventures and i love being out there in the world kind of being a little bit crazy but i'm telling you at the end of the day i'm ready to shut it down and go to bed and when i do i want my bed soft cool and absurdly comfortable which is exactly

what cozy earth delivers their amazing bamboo sheets are super breathable they regulate temperature and they wick away heat and moisture i sleep cooler with my my cozy earth sheets and it's not just me. My family's gotten hooked on them too. We've got this giant cozy earth blanket that we all fight over or we all get under at the same time. This thing is ridiculous. It's ultra soft. It's plush and it's got some weight to it without being too heavy. It's like a combined anxiety blanket and a hug from your grandmother all at the same time. It's amazing. And Cozy Earth can help you build a space that's a retreat for your family just like they have for me and my wife. Go to cozy earth.com slash delone.

and use code Deloni for 40% off your entire purchase. And if you get a post-purch survey, tell them you heard about CozyEarth right here on this show. That's cozyEarth.com slash Deloney and code Deloney to say 40%. All right, let's go to Milwaukee and talk to Dean. Hey, Dean, what's up? Hi, Dr. John. How are you? I'm doing great, brother. How are you, man?

Good, good. Great to talk to you. You too. What's up? so I'll just I'll just start with my question and then we can go from there so me and my wife are trying to figure out how to tell our daughter it's it's time to move out without making her feel like you know we're kicking her out oh that's a tough one because one of the hardest things for parents to come to grips with is that we cannot somebody else's feelings. Right.

We can be respectful and treat people with dignity and do the next right thing, and then they get to absorb that, hear, that, feel that. Yeah. In their own way. Yeah. So how old are you guys? My wife and I are in our late 50s, and we've been married 34 years. Awesome.

Three children. Congrats. Yeah, great. How old's your daughter? Thank you. Our youngest daughter. is the one I'm calling about. She's 24.

Okay. So why do you want her gone? Well, the main reason is I'm just thinking, actually, when I say I, we, me and my wife are on the same page with this, but we don't see that there's going to be growth for her continuing to stay with us. She moved out when she went to school. She went to school for two years at a local state college, and then didn't continue on,

she wasn't sure what she wanted to do. So we, of course, told her, you're always welcome to come back home. I guess we weren't thinking it was going to last this long.

No way. No. See, with our two older ones, we had similar situations where when they graduated from college, they did come back home, but it was three,

six months somewhere around there. Sure. And then they moved on. They moved out with roommates or a partner and we're just trying to figure out the best way to tell our daughter that it's time because again I don't see any growth with her staying with us she's a little bit of a reserved person so she spends a lot of time in her room she's a reader she watches movies but um she working she is working yes a little fact she works actually

with me at my job. So I get to see her pretty regular. She's a great kid. We don't have any issues with her. She helps around the house. She does dishes. She'll cook a meal or two during the week. She helps more the grass.

She's very financially responsible. She's been working since she was 14 and has a huge savings account. We've discussed her buying a home because she has a really nice nest egg to purchase a home and she just kind of says yeah yeah i'm looking um but that's where it kind of stops so i i love this conversation because she's not i get this call a lot but it's often i've got a kid who's just laying around it won't get a job or i've got a kid who's smokes weed all day and plays video games but doesn't want to go x y and z you don't have that you've got a pretty amazing young woman who is at 24 finding herself in what I think is the great trap of the

21st century which is comfort yes it's just comfortable and she sounds like she's an amazing person of character because she's helping out all over the place she's not just she's she sounds like she's awesome but she is also just comfortable yes she's great we go on vacations with her and my other children um she you know she is a great person can i high five you and your wife dude that's a you all have done amazing amazing yeah thank you it's awesome thank you so i here's where i think this is pretty cool and you all get to do a couple of things i want you and your wife to and you probably have already done this but i'm going to say this for the listeners i want y'all to begin to dream about the third and fourth quarter of your life.

Statistically speaking, you may be at the beginning of the fourth quarter or you may be in the middle of the third quarter. But what do we want our life to look like? Who do we want to be as empty nesters? Yes. So we definitely have discussed that, the third and fourth quarter of our life. We were empty nesters for about two years.

So we got a taste of it when our youngest, went to school for two years. So we had the house to ourselves, which we enjoyed. Not that we don't love our kids, but we enjoyed having... Oh, you don't got to qualify it. I can't wait.

It's going to be off. Yes, we were kind of excited to finally be empty nesters and get on with the next chapter. Awesome. Yeah. So I think that's where I would start. Because one of the...

This is a truism in marriage. conflicts or marriage conversations is always starting with the words I instead of you. Okay. And so if you sit down and say, all right, you are the most amazing. I just started with you there, but I want to say you have far surpassed our dreams for you as a person of character. You're a hard worker. You're a key part of our business. I hope you take it over someday.

I don't know if that's true or not. I just put those words in your mouth. But you're a great saver. You help her on this house. You are amazing. and I your mom and I are in the middle of our third quarter and we want to begin to head off into the back half of our life as empty nesters and so we're going to come up with a plan for you to begin moving out yeah and that will be three months six months you are we love you and you are ready to fly and because y'all are on great terms. I don't know. In my house, it would be a laughter filled. This is us kicking you

out of the nest. And it would, but it'd be a fun, it'd be a funny conversation. That's not every household. Yeah, I think it might help to try to bring some humor to the conversation. I think she might be nervous about the fact that we would be telling her, yeah, you have to go. And tell us, we love you so much that we can't let you continue. to be this awesome third roommate of ours yeah we love you so much we want you to get out there and find your 35 year marriage we want you to get out there and have your own house build your own equity like we love you that much yeah but if you if you notice all my language is we want we love you we are making these boundaries not you've been here too long you need to get

out it's time you go get a house this is all y'all taking full ownership of how y'all feel and what y'all want to do next yes yeah and then you're obviously say we hope you hear this in love but we also know you're 24 and you're our kid and you may just be like they kicked me out and y'all can laugh and be like we're kind of kicking you out of the nest but we know you can fly right right right she can totally fly she's an intelligent young woman Of course. It's just going to be an uncomfortable, I believe, you know. I think more for my wife maybe than me, just because I, you know,

she's a little more sensitive to this subject. Sure. It just might be a. But I think also you'll let her know we are not being fair to you. Yeah. We are beginning to get accustomed to having a maid slash roommate slash somebody, paying rent like I don't know how she how you all function but that's not fair to you yeah we aren't loving you to our full capacity by letting you stay in this nest forever

yeah and so I would also give her a runway you got three months you got 90 days you get six months y'all get to decide that yeah and and by the way she does she does pay rent that was one of the criteria I mean so I mean I mean I say y'all get to say you all get to say like we're going to lose money on this deal we're going to have to hire a yard person like we this will come at a cost to us too because we love having you here and it's becoming increasingly unfair to you yeah and here's the thing she might laugh she might cry she might hug y'all she sounds like she's going to be somebody that's going to say i know she might be i think that That's probably a fair statement, at least in my mind, that she might already have a sense just in the back of her mind that this may be coming.

Well, and some kids, like, especially good young folks like you've raised, she might be worried about y'all. And you get kind of this figure. It's kind of like the infinity loop. There's like, y'all love having her around, but gosh, she's 24. She's got to get out and get on her own and start building her own sea legs. And also, I don't like being 24 and live with my parents, but man, they need the extra help. And I like being here to give them a little extra money. And if one person breaks that dance, sometimes everybody exhales.

And like, okay, good, thank you. Yeah, right. And maybe not. Maybe it's both, but it may be all that all in one big mush pot. But I also think, I'll help you. I will go, you get five houses that you want to go look at. I'll go, we'll both go with you. Yeah, yeah.

I'll sit with you when you sign your first mortgage. I will, like, I'll do all those things with you. This is just, it's like we're old. It's time for us to kick you out of the nest. We're not being fair. Yeah. Yeah. We need her to grow.

And again, I'm not certain that that's happening. And that's, we're doing her disservice by allowing her to stay with us if I'm, if I'm explaining myself correctly. I think you're, I think that's, she sounds like a wise, wise young woman. And I think she will hear that. Even if she won't like it, it won't feel good, she will understand that. Yeah, yeah, I hope so. Yeah. But every bird kicks their baby out of the nest, not because the bird's mean, but because the bird knows this little bird has to learn to fly or it's going to die.

I'm not going to make it. And so we've given you two years, three years. We're all here stable. We want to push ourselves to be uncomfortable to figure some things out in their back half of our life. and the best way we can love you is to let you get out there and be uncomfortable in the world so you can develop your own strength, your own sea legs, your own fill in the blank. So, yeah, I think this is a great conversation and expect there to be tears, expect there to be frustration, expect there to be, well, I didn't think all of that is a normal part of this exchange.

But the more you and your wife can say I and we instead of you, the more honest this conversation becomes. So good on you, brother, for raising good, for having a great marriage, for raising three great kids and for not allowing the comfortable option for everybody, which is, dude, we have somebody paying rent, we got some extra money, we got an extra hands around the house. We're going to love our daughter enough to let her fly. You're awesome, team. Thanks for the call, brother. We'll be right back. I love my poncho shirts. If you've seen me on this show or on stages across the country,

I'm almost always wearing poncho shirts. I wear a poncho when I'm fishing in the Gulf, and I was wearing poncho shirts this weekend while I was mowing out here in my little miniature farm out here outside of Nashville. I'm telling you, you should wear poncho shirts too, because poncho makes the absolute best outdoor performance shirts for men, period. I love their denims and they're insanely soft flannels, but right now it's super hot outside,

and I'm wearing poncho's ultra light shirts all the time they're lightweight they're breathable and they're still tough enough to handle whatever chaos my day brings everything from travel to being up to my chest in the surf or doing wild yard work these shirts move with you not against you they drive fast and they don't cling or bunch up and they come in slim or regular fits so you don't have to walk around looking like a circus tent here's what I want you to do head over to poncho outdoors.com slash Deloni, and check out the selection of my favorite shirts on there, like the Laramie and the Buffalo. And right now, new customers get $10 off from your first purchase when you sign up with their email. That's $10 off at poncho outdoors.com slash deloni. All right, we are back and we've got a money and marriage question. By the way, our money and marriage retreat here in Nashville, Tennessee, and we have one in November and we have one Valentine's Day weekend. They are selling super fat. I don't even if they may be sold out, but they're selling fast. Go check them out. We'd love to have you here. They always sell out. We've got people from all over the planet coming in. I'd love to have you and your spouse with us here in Nashville. You can go to John Delaney.com and check it out for events or go to Ramsey Solutions.com slash events and find out where you can get All right, here's a question. We have an anonymous box at money of marriage and people put questions in and we got so many great ones that I'm reading a few on the show every once in a while. So here we go. Here's an anonymous question that we got during the money of marriage event. My spouse and I are in a sexless marriage once per month and that's if I don't mess it up. She feels that we have plenty of sex. Obviously, I feel differently. I've been this way our whole marriage, despite. by me trying everything I know. What am I missing? Wow. It's hard for me to just say,

what am I missing? Because there is so much here. The place I would start if you were sitting with me is this is more than likely not about the act of sex. This is about safety in a relationship. this is about trauma, this is about physical health, whether it's hormonal, whether it is vaginismus, whether it is a lack of attraction, this is about maybe you not participating in how the house or she doesn't feel loved in this house, she doesn't feel seen or heard or known in this house, yet you swoop in and say, I want to do it, or it could be she doesn't, like some of the questions, some of the conversations we've had at this money of marriages, I really want to have sex, but I am grossed out by how I look in the mirror and I feel less

than in the bedroom. And so I don't want to reciprocate. There's a lot here, but often the act of how many numbers of time we are having intercourse becomes a proxy conversation, becomes a proxy war for a whole host of issues going on in a marriage. And so I would sit all the way back and ask questions like tell me where you feel loved and safe in this marriage tell me what love looks like for you tell me what what you love about the physical act of having sex what do you not love about it how do i make you feel during the lead up during foreplay during intimacy during eight o'clock in the morning when i'm hoping we have sex at eight o'clock that night how do I show up in our marriage in a way that makes you feel so safe and so love that you want to be

with me in this way and begin having some of those conversations if this has been going on for a long time and honestly the way you say if I don't mess it up that tells me that your wife in some ways is using sex as a bargaining chip or as a weapon or as a means of control maybe she's just awful maybe it's the only lever she feels like she has in a house where she's got no voice. You take care of the money, you take care of the job, you take care of where y'all go on vacations. And this is the only lever she's got. There's so much here for potential conversations. I would recommend you starting the conversation this way.

Honey, I made us an appointment with a local marriage counselor because I want to love you the best way that I know how. and I have realized that I am not communicating in a way that you feel heard or loved and that I don't feel like I am loved in this marriage. Would you please go? Come with me. That's how I would probably start this conversation. But libido differences, I want to do it more, she wants to do it less, I want to do it more, he wants to do it less. That's very, very common in marriages.

and it is also common that one or more partners use this as a weapon as a bargaining chip and that's never healthy so i would stop the conversation about the act of can we have intercourse and ask a much deeper question how are we doing you don't feel loved and i don't feel loved let's get to the bottom of that conversation first thank you so much for listening to the show everybody be nice to each other be kind out in the world You know,