The Dr. John Delony Show - I Had a Sexual Relationship With My Therapist

Episode Date: September 16, 2022

On today's show we talk with: A women traumatized by her toxic relationship with her therapist. (1:37) A young father who doesn’t know why he keeps having panic attacks. (16:03) A woman wondering how to stop scrolling social media all day, every day. (44:34) Lyrics of the Day: "On Social Media" - Pet Shop Boys Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show.  Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp DreamCloud Churchill Mortgage Resources: Own Your Past, Change Your Future Questions for Humans Conversation Cards Redefining Anxiety Quick Read John’s Free Guided Meditation Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. First experience with therapy was about 20 years ago and involved a four-year sexual relationship with my therapist. You've had a really rough go of it, huh? Yeah. Can I just tell you I'm sorry? When I called you up this morning, told me about the new love you found. I said I'm happy for you.

Hey, welcome to the Dr. John Deloney Show. We're so glad that you're with us. Little Chicago in Nashville, sung by Texan. Not very well. That's what we're doing today on the greatest mental health and parenting podcast in the history of the world and marriage and whatever else is going on in your life. So glad that you've given us the most precious resource you have in your entire life. And that is your time. Thank you so, so much for giving us a buzz.

If you want to be on the show, call us at 1-844-693-3291. 1-844-693-3291. Leave a message and Kelly and or Jenna will call you back. If they call you back together, that means you've won something. Have y'all ever called somebody back together? Maybe when I was training Jenna, but that's it.

She does all the calls now. I was training Jenna. That's it she does all the calls now I was training Jenna that was awesome that was a lo-fi flex I like that that was incredible a day in the life with Kelly

alright let's go to Nancy in Birmingham what's up Nancy hi Dr. John thanks so much for taking my call of course what's happening

I guess I'll just Hi, Dr. John. Thanks so much for taking my call. Of course. What's happening? I guess I'll just dive right in. Yeah, jump in and then I'll steer us where we need to go. Okay. I need to go back to therapy. Okay. But I am absolutely petrified because my first experience with therapy was about 20 years ago and involved a four-year sexual relationship with my therapist. Okay. Why does that petrify you in the future?

I just, I have been very, very careful. I have a history of childhood sexual abuse. Okay. And just, I'm just very, very careful. Okay. And my bigger issue, I also don't trust women. Okay. So that makes it even harder.

Why don't you trust women? I have four older sisters. The oldest one is 11. I mean, the one closest to me is 11 years older than me. And I was surprised. My mother and father were greatest generation parents and were busy doing their own thing. And I kind of was ignored and left my own devices and no one paid much attention to the fact that there was clearly something wrong.

You were struggling. How old are you now? I'm 55. 55. What takes you back to counseling nowadays? My son was in an accident, a head-on collision, his freshman year of college, and was a Glasgow 3 severe brain injury coming in. And I have been his primary caregiver for the last seven, eight years. We just finished our 11th brain surgery and I've hit burnout.

I can't even put my foot on the floor. And I'm also going back to what I know are negative coping skills, disassociating, cutting, just things I had really managed to quit. Okay. You've had a really rough go of it, huh? Yeah. Can I just tell you I'm sorry? Thanks. I know you know this, but I'm just going to say it out loud. That shouldn't have happened to you when you were a kid.

Nobody should have abused you. Nobody should have taken advantage of your body. Your mom and dad should have seen that they had a hurting little girl. Your sister should have seen they had a hurting little sister. And somebody should have stepped in on behalf of that little girl.

Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mention the abuser was my brother-in-law. Okay. Oh, man. Makes it even worse, right? Yeah. I, man. Makes it even worse, right? Yeah. I'm sorry. I'm also sorry that you went and sat down with somebody who is a trained professional,

and you said, here's how I'm hurting, and they took advantage of you for four years. And for people listening to this, yes, it takes two to tango. Yes, it takes two to have sex with each other and all that. But it's the height of unethical professional practice for a counselor to engage in any sort of sexual relationship with their clients, period. Because people come in and there's a very emotional intimacy that happens in a counseling setting. There's a very intimate setting. And man, you can take advantage of somebody. And that's what was done to you, Nancy. And so on behalf of counselors everywhere, I'm sorry that somebody took advantage of you and treated you that way.

They shouldn't have done that. Thanks. And that brings us to right this second, okay? Let me say this. I'm also sorry, man. My best friend on the planet, my oldest best friend is a traumatic brain survivor, still paraplegic, is never going to be able to get up and run around and be goofy like we used to be and struggles just to do basic

life things. And his mom is a saint and someone who I love deeply. His brother is one of my oldest, closest friends on the planet. And I spoke at his dad's funeral, very close to me. And I also know what kind of trauma that ricochets through an entire family. So I'm sorry about your little boy. Okay. You're 55, which means you're a little more than halfway done. Right. Right? Statistically speaking. The question you have to ask yourself is, is this going to be Nancy's story? Or are you interested in changing everything?

Not undoing what has happened. The abuse will always be there. It happened that the therapist that took advantage of you will always be there. Your son's going to need care. But I'm talking about looking forward and writing something new and building something that hasn't existed before. It sounds like in a pretty dysfunctional family system that you can take the back half of your life and sleep for the first time in a long time and laugh for the first time in a long time and not only put your feet on the floor, but go move around and hike and go for walks and get childcare and get the job.

But you see what I'm saying? I'm talking about building a whole new life. Are you interested in that? Yes. Okay. Because what it's going to take to do that is you choosing to do the work and not carry that stuff from the past anymore.

The things that were done to you, we have to set the bricks down and start doing things to our lives moving forward. And that's really heavy lifting. Are you in for that? Because you've been surviving for 45 years, right? Right. I mean,

yes. I tried going back to therapy once with the female, and I could just feel... I mean, one, I made her change chairs with me so I could sit closest to the door. Okay. And when I told her what had happened with the other therapist, her first question was, are you sure you didn't misconstrue what was going on? And I got up and walked out. Good for you.

Good for you. See, you got some strength in there, don't you? Yeah. Yeah, you do. Yeah, I mean, I quit my job and I was the top producer for the largest company in our industry. Yeah. No, you're an old, tough gangster, Nancy. And what you've been doing

is using that strength and that energy to survive and to defend yourself from threats that were there in the past that are no longer pressing on you but they're still pressing on you you get you see what i'm saying yeah and if you take that energy and stop fighting old demons they don't have any gas left in them and use that energy to start building something. Now you're talking about total life transformation. And by the way, I saw my mom do it in her fifties and sixties.

And now she's into her seventies. She just called yesterday and said, she's going to spend next summer as a professor at Oxford. And like, she just live in this crazy second half of her life. And you can too. If you're all in. Yeah, but I got to figure out how to make that first step. You do.

No, hold on. Back up. There's no figuring out. One of the things that's important to know about our feelings is that they are alarms. They're signals. They're important. And they lie to us because our feelings have one job and that's to keep us alive. And so there's no figuring out how to take the next step. You just take the next step. So what does that mean? As soon as we get off this phone call, you call a local counselor in your area. And there's a bunch of good ones in Birmingham.

And you don't lose sleep over a female counselor. Call a male counselor and tell them, 20 years ago, I went and saw a male counselor and they took advantage of me sexually. That cannot happen again. And if they're a good counselor, they'll say, thank you so much for sharing that. I'm grateful for you. That will not happen here in my office. This is a safe place. And then you are going to have to make a choice because your body is going to start sending the alarms off. We're getting close.

We're getting close. And you're going to have to say, no, I'm going to sit through this one. I'm going to push through the other side of this healing. Are you into that? Yes. I just also know I'm really hypervigilant. Exactly. Exactly.

Here's a way to diffuse the hypervigilance. Call it out. Even if you have to write down on a piece of paper, I was sexually abused by a therapist. I'm very hypervigilant. I've got sexual abuse in my past. I got a kid with a traumatic brain injury that I'm a primary caretaker for, and I'm 55 and I'm freaking exhausted. And I want to live a life of joy with the time I got left. Write that down and take that on a piece of paper and read it to the therapist. That would be a gift to any therapist.

It'd be a gift because I'm taking the air out of the hypervigilance. Hypervigilance works in the shadows, right? It lurks behind the facts and behind the data and behind our lives and just keeps us revved up for a fight that's probably never going to come. Right? So I'm just going to turn all the lights on. I'm going to turn all the lights on. Yep. I'm super hypervigilant right now. It kind of takes the, it's like if a bunch of Navy SEALs were coming into your house and you flipped all the lights and you're like, I see all the SEALs. I'm not fighting you. And you can just arrest me. In fact, I've handcuffed myself, right?

It's kind of like, okay, right? I'm just going to take all the hypervigilance away. I'm just going to make the move. I'm going to go for it. So there's no figuring out the next step. It's just making the call and going. And then for you, it's going to be important is to go the second time and to go the third time

and to go the fourth time. Hear me very clearly, Nancy. There is no path forward that's going to be important is to go the second time and to go the third time and to go the fourth time. Hear me very clearly, Nancy, there is no path forward that's going to be comfortable because your body's going to fight you every step of the way as you head on into this new path because it wants to keep you safe. And right now, what used to keep you safe is now keeping you underwater and your body is saying, we're out. We're checking out. So these feelings, this hypervigilance, this alertness that's been running the show for so long has pushed your body to a breaking point. And it's time for the thinking part of your brain, the rational part, the fact part, the wait a minute, I'm freaking Nancy and I'm a baller. I am getting back in the driver's seat. Thank you for driving for the wait a minute, I'm freaking Nancy and I'm a baller. I am getting back in the driver's seat. Thank you for driving for the last 45 years, feelings and thoughts. I'm grateful for

you and hypervigilance. You kept me alive. Good call. Now I'm going to have some joy in my life and I'm going to heal. I'm going to quit carrying around the stuff from 20 years ago and 30 years ago and 40 years ago. I'm going to do something different. Expect discomfort. Expect it. Kind of like opening the oven and sticking your hand in. It's hot and you got to be very careful, but you pull out a plate of cookies, man. So good. You got to deal with the heat to get those out, or you got to put your hand in that freezing cold freezer to get the ice cream out. It's just part of it. It's good stuff.

Hang on the line. I'm going to send you a copy of Own Your Past, Change Your Future. My latest book. I want you to read it cover to cover. And I want you to take it with you to therapy. Take it with you to your counselor and say, hey, I've read this book

and I want to take ownership of some of these things. I'm going to start slowly shifting my thoughts and actions and let's go make this thing happen. I can't tell you how proud of you I am, Nancy. I'm so proud of you. 55, enough is enough.

And for you listening, you can be 65, you can be 25, you can be 36, you can be any age. The day you say enough's enough's enough is the day that everything can be different. Nancy, keep us notified. Let us know how this thing's going. Can't wait to hear how your story unfolds. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. October is the season for wearing costumes. And if you

haven't started planning your costume, seriously, get on it. I'm pretty sure I'm going to go as Brad Pitt because we have the same upper body, but whatever. Look, it's costume season. And if we're being honest, a lot of us hide our true selves behind masks and costumes more often than we want to. We do this at work. We do this in social settings. We do this around our own families. We even do this with ourselves.

I have been there multiple times in my life and it's the worst. If you feel like you're stuck hiding your true self behind costumes and masks, I want you to consider talking with a therapist. Therapy is a place where you can learn to accept all the parts of yourself, where you can be honest with yourself and where you can take off the mask and the costumes and learn to live an honest, authentic life.

Costumes and masks should be for Halloween parties, not for our emotions and our true selves. If you're considering therapy, I want you to call my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy. You can talk with your therapist anywhere so it's convenient for just about any schedule. You just get online and you fill out a short survey

and you'll be matched with a licensed therapist and you can switch therapists at any time for no additional cost. Take off the costumes and take off the masks with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P.com slash Deloney. All right, all right. Let's go to Stephen in Atlanta. Dude, I just all right, all right, all righted it. Shut up, McConaughey. Way to go, man. All right, let's go to Stephen in Atlanta. What's up, Stephen?

Hey, Dr. John. How are you today? I'm good, brother. What's up, man? All right, so I'll just start with saying this year's been a long year for me. I've had a long time with burnout, I guess I'd say. Dealing with my job, have another baby on the way.

And, you know, I just feel exhausted. Yeah. Well, how can I help, man? I guess, you know, I've had three panic attacks in the past several months and yeah lead with that next time dude sorry about that yeah i got a busy job and a baby and i'm dying and uh yeah so yeah i definitely had some experience where i felt like that i was going to die a couple of times um yeah and different times i just felt lightheaded and uh really don't know where to go from there cool so we're going to start at the top and i'm going to peel this

thing apart okay is that cool sure um tell me to stop asking questions if you ever say like i'm just don't want to answer anymore And know this This exploration will help a lot of people It's a brave call you made So a panic attack is your body It's really Overriding the system

It's telling you Hey you clearly aren't hearing me So I'm sounding every alarm I have All of them at the same time It's telling you Hey, you clearly aren't hearing me So I'm sounding every alarm I have All of them, same time Okay It's just an over-regulation It's a dysregulation of the regulatory system, right?

So Let's back out Tell me about your job What do you do for a living? I work in the automotive industry As a service advisor. As a what advisor? Service advisor.

Okay. What about that job is burning you out? Really handling about 20 to 30 customers a day. Okay. And working about 12 hours a day. Okay. Why do you do that job, man? The money's good. How much is good? What kind of money do you make?

I would say upwards of $150,000. Okay. $150,000 a year. Okay, great salary. As far as helping customers, I love dealing with that aspect. It's just the hours are daunting. You just told me that the worst part of the job was 30 to 40 customers a day or 20, 30 customers a day. And it's the best part?

Helping the customers is the best part. But, yeah, I guess you're right about that. 20 to 30 customers can be overwhelming for me. Tell me about these hours. Why do you work these crazy hours? Is that just what the job demands? That's what the job demands, right. Do you have any other kids, wife, married, anything like that?

Wife and I have a two-year-old son. Okay. Tell me about your home life. Tell me about your wife. My wife is wonderful. Our marriage, I couldn't ask for more. She's a wonderful support My son

I love him to death I try to go home and spend time as much as possible with him Okay For him or with him? With him Okay So have you created a life This is a side question

What do you owe? Have you created a life for yourself? This is a side question. What do you owe? As far as from a financial standpoint? Yep. I'm debt-free except for my house. Okay, so what do you owe on your mortgage? I have $165,000 left on my mortgage. Dude, quit your job right now.

Quit it. Yeah. Okay. I don't know what I would do after that. What I just, sometimes I'll just say, hey, just break up with her. Just quit your job. And I want to know what people's gut is. And your response, I'm judging you by one syllable,

but you're like, yeah? Right. Like, you make a great salary, but financially speaking, you're better off than 99.9% of people on planet Earth. All right. You have $165,000. You're going to have no house payment. How old are you? 34. How old?

34. Okay. 34. So by 36, you'll have no house payment. You don't owe anybody anything. And for $150,000, you're choosing to live a life of misery and disruption. Why is that?

I guess because I've been doing it for almost 10 years, and I really haven't really sought out anything else. When the story on you is written, like on the epitaph, would you love it to say helped a lot of people with their automotive issues? No. That's not a bad thing. I mean, that's like, man, I fixed a lot of cars. I helped people get to work and get to the hospital.

That's not a bad thing. I'm just asking, is that what you want etched into stone next to your name? No. I mean, absolutely not. What do you want etched in there? It's not my passion. What do you want to ask John there? I guess really just that I was an individual that laid down my life for others and laid down my heart for others to help others get to point A from point A to point B. Okay.

And so do you see that your work is in service to that mission? Because I do. I get it. Right. I mean, I can see that, you know, as far as helping people with their cars and everything, but I don't know. I guess I'm looking for more in life than just that.

Yeah, there you go. Tell me about your buddies. Who do you hang out with once a week just to grab a beer with and nachos with? Who's your gang? Really, I have no one because I've wrapped my life and family and work. Okay.

I don't know if you can do this, but tell me about the crummiest boss you have. Well, I mean, currently I actually do not have any crummy bosses. Everybody's good? I mean, I've had crummy bosses in the past. Everybody's good. I mean, I have a great relationship with all my bosses. Okay.

So if I were to ask you, man, what's your body trying to get your attention? What's it trying to tell you? What would your answer to that be? Rest. Tell me more. Just going, going, going and not giving time for myself. Okay. Okay.

Is that going, going, going your body's version of laying down its life for everybody else? I would say so. Okay. Some reason we got in our heads that if it doesn't hurt, it's not a good workout. And if it doesn't hurt, then it's not a good, if we're not hurting, then we're not sacrificing and crushing ourselves on behalf of our wives or

our kids, then we're not putting it all in. Or if we're dying at the altar of our wives or our kids, then we're not putting it all in. Or if we're dying at the altar of our job or our paycheck, then somehow we're, if we're not dying at the altar of our paycheck, we're somehow screwed something up. And I think that's stupid. My friend Sal over at the Mind Pump guys

was the first guy I'd ever heard say that a lot of people work out until they're sore because they hate their bodies. And there's some sort of underlying idea that I need to punish myself through this workout to make sure my body gets the message that the way it looks is unacceptable. And he's like, dude, that's a recipe for burnout.

And so some story that you're operating under says that you have to do all of these things. And your body's trying to get your attention and say, hey, hey, we can't do all of these things. We cannot work 12 hours a day, six days a week. We cannot be fully present with our kids. We cannot have the greatest marriage ever. We cannot. We're out.

I'm out. Is that fair? Oh, and then you throw another kid on there and then your body's like, oh, good. Thanks. Thanks, Steven. That's what we needed.

That's what we needed. Another human. Yeah. No, I totally agree with what you're saying. Who told you that 12 hours a day, six days a week

was the way to fulfill your duty. No one really told me that. Somebody modeled that for you. I guess I just kind of become accustomed to it. Well, I mean, as far as when I first started my job, that was the norm of everybody that's in this industry. Work, work, work, and no rest. that was the norm of everybody that's in this industry.

Work, work, work and no rest. And then, you know, once rest kind of comes and you pick up and work again. Have you seen some of the dudes that are 45 and 55 in your industry? I have. They look 100. They do. Their bodies are a hundred Is that the life you want for yourself?

Not really, no Okay So Here's what I'm trying to give you Choice Often I talk to folks in your situation And they owe $100,000 in student loans And they have two car payments And they owe $100,000 in student loans and they have two

car payments and they owe $500,000 on their mortgage. And so this conversation is very different because I tell them you're going to have two or three years more of this so that you can dig out of the hole that you dug for yourself. And then you can fill in the blank. You don't have that issue. You have a wide array of choices. All burnout is, is when your body says, hey, you haven't been listening to us, so clearly you don't know what you're doing.

We're taking over. It's like when you're in driver's ed and there's another brake on the instructor's side of the car too that he can slam on that break if you are missing it as a driving student that's what you're that's what a panic attack is it's your body just shutting the thing down because you clearly aren't getting the message and so what i would love you to do is to start to get the message it starts with here's like you're, you're talking about an anxious life, right?

That's what you're talking about. You have a life that's just buzzing all the time. Is that correct? Right. That's correct. How much coffee do you drink? One cup in the morning. Really?

Yeah. Good for you, man. Gosh, I think I had seven this morning. That's impressive. Do you go to sleep at night? I do.

Yeah. So there's something else you're not telling me. I mean, as far as... How's your... I know your wife's pregnant. You have a two-year-old. How's your sex life? How's your intimacy life?

There it is right there. Once every three weeks. There it is. Do I... What? Maybe once every three weeks right now. Of course. It was about once a week.

Okay. Just the way you said, well. So whenever somebody says, hey, I have an anxious life, here's the life before me. Okay. okay the three buckets i like to to look at before anything else is number one there's four buckets actually number one is physiological i'd recommend at this point if you've had three panic attacks go see your doctor okay get your heart checked get your thyroid checked get your testosterone checked get some of these basic low-level things checked just to make sure, okay? Right. The second thing is, if you open your eyes 6,000 years ago and you were on the plains of Texas and your tribe had left you, you were probably going to die. Wired into us at our most core function is this idea that we have to be around other people. And I tell new

dads and new moms all the time, the greatest gift you can give your toddler is to go have your own friends, to leave the house once a week and go hang out with your friends. I took my 12-year-old son. I have a, we are incredible, Steven. I got like a rock and roll band that I'm jamming with. Okay. I brought my 12 year old over the other day. He watched us for about 12 minutes until he was about to fall asleep on the couch. And then I said, you can go outside and swim in this guy's pool. By the way, get a guy in your band that has a pool. It's way, it's super great. But I wanted him to see his dad having friends and i wanted him to see my life does not revolve around him because he is not strong enough to be

the center of my solar system and he'll try to be okay so getting with your wife and saying, hey, I want you to start having friends that you do life with. And so once a week, you hear me say, y'all are planning to be apart two nights out of a week minimum. I want her to go start spending an evening with some girlfriends.

And that means you're gonna do dinner, you're gonna do bath time, you're gonna do bedtime. Okay? You're gonna get plugged in in that way. And you're gonna put your phone down and you're just gonna be there. As annoying as that is, bedtime. Okay. You're going to get plugged in in that way. And you can put your phone down and you're just going to be there. As annoying as that is, it's going to be the worst. But I'm still

going to plug in that way. And you're going to get a couple of dudes and you're going to start hanging out. And that's going to be weird and awkward. 35 is the single, it's the worst time to start making friends. and here you are. Okay Your brain will not rest until you've got a gang All right, and I would also recommend they not be work people either Gotcha. Okay The the third bucket is this idea of safety Are you in a place? It's not safe and you've told me no, I don't have a toxic work environment. My marriage is fantastic

um family life is good It's not safe. And you've told me, no, I don't have a toxic work environment. My marriage is fantastic. Family life is good. Your debt to income, I mean, you've got basically no debt, man. You're almost paid your whole house off. You're not even 40 years old yet, which is just astounding. It's incredible.

Then the third thing is autonomy. And this is another big one where your body isn't in control of what happens tomorrow. And it can often look up after being at the same job for 10 years and you're working 12 hours a day, six days a week. And it begins to feel like this is the rest of my life. And that's what your body begins to revolt

because it doesn't have a say in what happens tomorrow. And so you have to start having the conversation with yourself about what does my work life look like in the next two to three years? Like, do I need to go get credentialed? Do I need to go to college? Do I need to get some things? Like, what do I actually want to do in service to this greater mission? And by the way, like, follow your passion.

I think that's just stupid. I'm just not a passion guy. We're passionate about the things that we're good at, and we're good at the things that we practice, and we practice the things usually that we have to, right? So I liked guitar. I thought guys who were playing guitar looked cool, and they seemed to have dates a lot. So then I started playing it, and I hated it because it was hard. And then I liked being able to play one song, and then 35 years later, I'm passionate about guitars. You see what I'm saying?

It wasn't like I'm passionate about this thing. I have this feeling about, man, it doesn't usually work in reverse. And so I care less about what you're passionate about and more about, dude, who are you? What do you want to do? And then do you have any sort of exercise practice at all? I'm trying to implement that into my life right now.

No, as Yoda says, there's no try. Just do it, man. Gotcha. Just do it. Just do it. Get a couple of dumbbells from Academy and just take them to your house and start there. You can get through the next six months of your life

with two dumbbells and that's about it. Yeah. Okay. Or get on Craigslist and buy just some shenanigans. I have a dope home gym that is made up almost entirely of Craigslist finds. Oh, nice. Okay. And it took me like three or four or five years to accumulate it all.

Just keep doing it. It's fantastic, man. But you have to build that in. And I'm not talking about a two and a half hour beefcake McGee workout. Go outside and do 30 minutes and lift some weights. Go outside and go for a jog. Go outside and do 30 minutes and lift some weights. Go outside and go for a jog. Go outside and walk around in nature, okay? The last thing I'll tell you is this.

If you can, incorporate all this together. Get your dumbbells and go outside in your backyard and do your morning workout in the sun, even when it's cold. Get some sunlight and get some nature and get some exercise and get some exercise and get some movement and get some coffee. You see what I'm saying?

We're talking about slowly tweaking the edges of our life. It's going to have a ripple effect all the way through the middle of it. Right. Got it? Got it. Now, I just told you a bunch of stuff. Does that say like, okay, I'm in for that,

or like, man, you're an idiot? No, I'm actually absolutely into that. Okay. I'd love to keep up I'm actually absolutely into that. Okay. I'd love to keep up with you as you're walking. If you're like me, I don't like calling doctors. I've been to my primary care physician zero times in the last five years.

So much so that I went and got like special doctors because I just don't want to go to a regular doctor. Please call and make an appointment with the primary care doctor. Okay? Okay. Have you done that yet? I actually have.

How'd that go? Everything checked out fine. Okay, cool. On the physical spectrum. Good. Bucket done. Now, before I let you go, one of the, like,

one, let's see. Lesson number one in counseling class, whenever I was teaching grad school or I was in grad school. Lesson number one, your clients will lie to you. They'll tell you most of a story or part of a story. So before I let you go to put you on the spot completely, something in my guts tells me there's something else. Am I wrong? Not that I can think

of. I mean, I plan on being straightforward with you throughout this whole thing. So, I mean, I don't have anything that I can think of. Like you're not cheating on your wife? You don't have like an addiction or you don't owe somebody a bunch of money or something? I do not, no sir Steven, yes

No, I'm just messing with you No, that's fantastic That's awesome Dude, here's the thing You sound like an incredible guy You sound like an incredible guy And there's people This is hard for us to wrap our heads around

I think his name was Marlon Ramsey Was the... People, this is hard for us to wrap our heads around. I think his name was Marlon Ramsey, was the race when I was a track athlete in high school and kind of a wannabe poser in college. And I remember buying into coaches saying like, man, you can do anything. You can be so fast. You can do all these things. You just got to work hard and work hard and work hard. And so I thought my excellence was a function

of my hard work, which in many ways it was, but it was my excellence. And I think his name was Marlon Ramsey. I think he went on to run at Baylor and then in the Olympics, but I got, he ended up on in the same heat of a race as me at the Rice Invitational Relays there in Texas and Houston. And he beat me so bad. Like he just annihilated me. And I remember realizing that. I think I was a freshman, maybe a sophomore. And I remember realizing I can never exercise and work hard and be that fast. That dude's just faster than me. And he's working as hard as me. So there's a gap, right? So that same thing with jumping like Michael Jordan or doing squats like Lane Norton, like I could do squats every day and follow a great program. I'm not going to set the world record. I'm just not. Here's why I'm telling you that. We look around in the Instagram world that

we live in, in the crush it, kill it world, and there's some people that are just Ford F-350s. They seem to be able to do 12-hour days, six days a week, and go, and go, and go, and go. And we don't have any long-term data on when that engine craps out, right? But we see them and we see their success. And for many of us, we have to look in the mirror and say, I'm a Camry. It's a great car and it's going to last forever. But I can't do a job that is six 12-hour days for 50 years and call it. I'm put here to do something different.

My job is not to pull a building down. My job is not to carry heavy equipment. My job is to get people from A to B. I'm going to be the best A to B getter person in the world. You see what I'm saying? Right, I do. You may have put yourself in a situation where this isn't the job for me,

or this isn't the life I want to live in this particular season. And I've told this on the show before, but there came a moment when I was about your age, almost identical to your age, actually, when my wife and I took a $70,000 household income pay cut. And I quit working at a giant, not a giant, but at a large university running a big ship. And I went to a bigger university, but working with a smaller subset of students. The prestige was still enough so that my ego could prop itself up, but the pay was less, the responsibility was less. And then I spent a season working out. I got an engine replacement. And then I got an engine replacement. I got new

wheels and new brakes and new tires. And I learned new things and I got new skills and I got a little bit wiser, a little bit stronger. Then all of a sudden I was a way different vehicle. Does that make sense? It does. So just a season. It was good. I'm glad I had it. During the middle of it, I hated every second of it. I thought it was the worst. I thought I was a season. It was good. I'm glad I had it. During the middle of it, I hated every second of it. I thought it was the worst. I thought I was a failure. I thought I was a loser. I wasn't.

And by the way, the money on the back end, it's a totally different proposition, right? So that pay cut that we took was one of the greatest investments we've ever made as a family. But I want you to start an exercise. I'm going to send you a couple of things. I'm going to send you a copy of my book, Own Your Past, Change Your Future, okay? Read it with your wife. The second thing I'm going to send you is

questions for humans, the couple's edition. I want you and your wife to start spending some date time, okay? So intimacy time, it doesn't have to be sex related. That's just communication. We're talking again. I'm also going to send you you my buddy Ken Coleman's book From Paycheck to Purpose. And I want you to read that thing start to finish

and start asking yourself some of the bigger questions. Man, I've got 10 years of management experience. I'm making great money. I know how to work hard. What kind of car do I wanna be? What kind of engine do I wanna put in this thing over time? Is there something else I want to do? And you may circle back and say, nope, this is what I want to do.

I just want to manage the time better. I'm going to start taking time off. I'm going to whatever. And take one of those older guys out to lunch that you work with. One of the dudes that's been there for 35 years and he's 60. Take him back and say, hey, when you're 35, give me some wisdom to your 35-year-old self. I did that once when I was working at a print shop in college.

I was about two years in, and I was just bored of college. It was just boring. And I was a delivery boy at a print shop, and there was these guys who had been working in the press for years. The dude's name was Merlin. He's an awesome guy. He's an incredible drummer. And we went out to lunch one day.

Just, it was awesome, man. His hands were ink-stained. He's just a great. And we went out to lunch one day. Just, it was awesome, man. His hands were ink stained. He's just a great human. Long hair. We went out and I said, what would you tell me, your 20-year-old self? And he looked at me and said, graduate college. And he said it with a conviction of, I love my life. I do well in my life.

But there's more than this. And man, working at print shops, those guys were incredible. Vance, Merlin, those dudes were awesome. But he looked at me in the eye and said, graduate college, go beyond this. And so sit down with somebody who's a little bit ahead of you

and ask for some wisdom there, okay? You're on the right path, my brother, Steven. And I'm grateful that you called and thanks for letting me unpack all that with you. I know that was a little bit of a longer unpacking, but if you're listening to this and you experience panic attacks, you experience anxiety, ask yourself some of the questions I just asked Steven. What's my intimacy like? Who am I hanging out with? Let's get a medical checkup. Am I safe financially? Am I safe in a toxic work environment? What's my sex life?

What is the world I've created for myself that my body is telling me we cannot make it here anymore? Fixing your body is less important than creating a new environment for yourself to live in. And yes, go outside and lift weights too. We'll be right back. All right, we're back. Hey, I got a couple of emails

I want to work through here with you. One is a follow-up email, someone who reached out recently and was on the show and then circled back and said, here's how things are going. And then the other is a, an all-important life hack question from Wendy.

So you want to stay tuned for that. All right, so here's the email from Mandy. And she called in. Kelly, what was this call about? She called in about her respecting her immature husband. Right, and it just aired. It aired in August. I believe in August 12th.

So it's a recent one. Yes. Okay. So here's what she writes. This makes me feel good. Follow up with a smiley face. I love me a good smiley face emoji. I like a good smiley face emoji made out of punctuation marks.

Way to go. Said, thank you, Dr. John, for the years of saved time and energy and counseling. Oh boy. We have a meeting, her and her husband have a meeting every Wednesday at seven that he sets up and reminds me now. We also talk about a relationship once a week after finances. He set up a financial advisor meeting and we went together. Wow.

He has like, this is, this is for many people sexier than any sort of Barry White music you could possibly play. He stopped drinking. What? And he told me the other day that he is actually happier. Whoa. I can't thank you enough for being so real and honest with me and helping me set hard boundaries. Smiley face. Mandy, you made my day.

Thank you so, so much. Often, these made my day. Thank you so, so much. Often these conversations go sideways and setting up boundaries for the first time, your partner says, oh yeah, well, screw you. I'm off to something else. And so setting up boundaries is always a terrifying risk. Often it goes sideways and often this happens. Your partner doesn't want to live like the life that they're living either. They want somebody to stop the music and say, can we do another kind of dance? What are we doing? They want somebody to say, hey, I don't like this meal. Somebody to say, hey, my needs are different.

Your needs are different. You don't like me. And I'm frustrated that you don't like me. How can I help you like me? Right? And that's what Mandy did. I'm frustrated that you don't like me. How can I help you like me, right? And that's what Mandy did. She sat down and had some hard conversations about their money, about his immaturity, about his drinking, just plopping on the couch.

And it was hard and she did it. And I'm proud of you, Mandy. So let this be the first step into some new adventures. Mandy, it will get harder. Trust me, it will get harder. And the things that he was covering up with his drinking, they will surface at some point and the old routines will start calling for you.

And that's when the work will get real and it'll get real hard. And I trust you guys are gonna keep hanging in there. It's so fantastic. Good for you. And I've got this email here from Wendy. And Wendy writes a scary, terrifying question. How do I stop scrolling through Facebook and YouTube all day? Question mark.

That's all this says. That's the entirety of the email I'll read it again for those of you who are driving How do I stop? I don't know why you were driving. They just sounded funny How do I stop scrolling through facebook and youtube all day? Well, wendy you've come to the right place I'm, not very smart on a lot of things, but I got your back on this one I'm going to teach you a hack Um, I love hacks

Hacks are so stupid. There's no such thing, but i'm gonna I got one I got one um You consume facebook and youtube um through these magical devices They have screens on them. They're either smartphones, tablets, iPads, TVs, anything. Probably some glasses. I don't know.

You can probably get them implanted into your head. But they're consumed on electronic devices. And I did not know this existed. It's fantastic. But on all electronic devices, hold your hats, ladies and gentlemen, there's an off button. And you can just push the crap out of it. And the whole thing just goes and turns off. And then no more Facebook and no more YouTube. It just stops. It stops. That's Life Hacks 101 with Dr. D here.

And here's the real truth here. We scroll Facebook and YouTube because we're freaking lonely. And we scroll Facebook and YouTube because we don't like the worlds we've built for ourselves or we're bored or we're spacing out or we're spacing out, or we're trying to numb, or we're trying to distract. And I am the worst. My crack is Instagram. I'll just sit there and scroll forever. How do you stop scrolling? Build a life worth living.

You want to know how to get off the internet, how to stop spending all your days on social media? Build yourself a life worth living that makes going to a screen seem like an absurd waste of your time because your real life is being lived over here. The number of couples I talk to that sit on the couch and just scroll Instagram,

he's on ESPN.com and she's on Pinterest and you know what they could be doing? It. They could be doing it right there and they're not. They're just scrolling. They're just scrolling. Biologically, that's insane. That's mad. What are you doing? Or people just stand in line surrounded by a whole bunch of other people and they just look at their phones. You know what you could be doing? Hang with me here. You could go, hey, what's up? How's it going? Yesterday, I was walking to the store and this guy was buying like a 20 pack, a 30 pack of beer and he dropped it and it exploded. And it was incredible. And his reaction was, he started dying laughing.

And then I started laughing and then everybody started laughing. And then they came over and helped him clean up his beer and he was covered in it. And I made some jokes, he made some jokes. It was amazing. And if I had been scrolling on some sort of stupid platform, I would have missed all of it.

I would have candy crushed my way out of a guy dropping a case of beer on himself. It was phenomenal. And then he had the greatest reaction ever because he just started dying laughing. It made my heart so big. Build a life worth living. For most of us,

that means engaging in relationships that are hard. That means asking ourselves, is this the place I'm gonna work for the rest of my freaking life? It's asking ourselves, did this t-shirt really make me feel better about myself? Or this new guitar, or this new gun, or this new car, or this bigger house, or this new person I'm texting

even though I'm married to somebody else? Is that actually creating, no, it's not. It's taking a mess and making it more chaotic. How do I stop scrolling through Facebook and YouTube all day? Build a life worth living. Be a person other people want to be around. Invite people into your life.

Do something different. We'll be right back. Hey, what's up? Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious or burned out or chronically stressed at some point. In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better

respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life. Get your copy today at johndeloney.com. All right, we're back. It's occurred to me the other day how much energy I've spent in my life sitting in a room with other grown men, watching a big screen of other grown men watching a big screen of other grown men playing a game. I watch other grown men play a game against other grown men when I could be outside actually enjoying my life and playing that game. I go to movies and I watch other people have great romance. I take my wife to a movie and watch other people have romantic time together. Congratulations, everybody. This is the life we built for ourselves.

Oh, my gosh. So, song of the day is Kelly Has a Thing for Pet Shop Boys, like literally. And it happens to be her favorite band, too, which is kind of cool. This is, I think all these old bands are coming out with records because they've been looking at their 401ks, and they're like, you know what? Maybe we should get over ourselves

and make a new record because there's a lot of older bands hitting the tours. But anyway, Pet Shop Boys got a new record out. Is that right? I guess. I found it on, when I was looking for songs about social media.

When you get another tattoo? It came out in 2019, so it's fairly new. I heard you went to the tattoo shop to get Pet Shop Boys tattooed, and they were like, I can't, I won't do that. Not true? You have no reason to talk. You get tattoos all the time.

All right, Pet Shop Boys, Kelly's 15th favorite band, favorite, this is the King James version. Pet Shop Boys, favorite band. The song's called On Social Media, and it goes like this. When you care about the issues of the day, check your facts on Wikipedia. You can get into an argument right away if you're on social media. Awesome. The world is changing everywhere with a speed that couldn't be speedier, but you feel so ahead of the curve when you're on social media. You're part of the conversation.

You're there in every debate from football to religion to contemporary art. You're ready to pontificate. Pet Shop Boys, you've got a new fan right here. While democracy is losing its way and greed is getting greedier, console yourself with a selfie or two and post them on social media. My likes are in the thousands. My tweets are being retweeted. My family pics or holiday snaps with total love are greeted.

It's so nice when people like you. You're feeling hashtag blessed when you're on social media. Pet Shop Boys, shout out. That was dope. And you know what else is dope? You, America. We'll see you soon.