The Dr. John Delony Show - I Have 2 Toddlers & My Boyfriend Thinks I'm Lazy & Out of Shape

Episode Date: May 7, 2021

The Dr. John Delony Show is a caller-driven show that offers real people a chance to be heard as they struggle with relationship issues and mental health challenges. John will give you practical advice on how to connect with people, how to take the next right step when you feel frozen, and how to cut through the depression and anxiety that can feel so overwhelming. You are not alone in this battle. You are worth being well—and it starts by focusing on what you can control. Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show. We want to talk to YOU!   Show Notes for this Episode   John calls a random guy to celebrate his 9-year sobriety My ex-husband and I parent well together. He has been staying in my guest room and is starting to comment on how I do things. How do I create boundaries? I was in an accident 2 years ago and was permanently disabled. I was married a few months prior to the accident. How do I deal with the PTSD, anxiety & depression? I have a 7-month-old and a two-year-old. My boyfriend has commented that he wants my pre-baby body back and the house clean. I have moved out. How do I proceed? Lyrics of the Day: "The Black Parade" - My Chemical Romance   As heard on this episode: BetterHelp   tags: parenting, kids, sexuality/intimacy, marriage, divorce, sickness/illness, trauma/PTSD, anxiety, boundaries, relationships, disagreement/conflict, workplace/career   These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.`

On today's show, we talk about choosing life after trauma, and we talk to two women about how to know when their relationship is over. Stay tuned. Hey, what's up, good folks? This is John, and I'm John, and this is the Dr. John Deloney Show, the show I named after myself, because why not? I did name it after myself. I don't know why I have to address it every time. It drives me crazy every time. But, I'm glad you're with us. We are having a blast.

If you have seen lately, the folks tuning into this show has more than tripled from 17. What's 17 times 3? Is that 4? I don't know. A lot. A lot of people. 17 times 7. 51?

Oh, my. 51 people. Really? Zach just did that on his calculator on his cell phone. That was good. Two thumbs up. That was good, Zach up, that was good Zach So thank you so much for joining us

Hey listen, if you want to be on this show We talk about mental health, relationships, life Anything, everything, all of it Give me a call at 1-844-693-3291 That's 1-844-693-3291 And if you don't have access to a telephone That'd be weird to call into the show But you can find one later

But if you want to do it on the internet Go to johndeloney.com Fill out the form and it will go to Kelly So listen, I want to do something fun this morning I got a note via Instagram From somebody that said Their husband was 9 years sober today And wanted to know if I'd give

him a shout out on the show. And I said, hey, let's do one better. Why don't you give me his number and we'll just call him. So I was going to call him just walking around out in the neighborhood while I was going for a walk this afternoon. And then we thought, no, let's just call him right here on the show. So we're going to ambush him and see if this works. He has no idea we're calling and his name is James. And hopefully we don't do all this and he doesn't say, you can't use this on the air. All right, so here we go. We're going to give it a shot.

James. Hey. This is John from the Dr. John Deloney Show, dude. What are you doing? That's crazy. I'm mowing grass listening to y'all's show, actually. You're mowing grass? Yeah, I run a lawn business in the Atlanta area.

Dude, what a baller, man. Well, hey, listen. Your wife reached out and said, today's a big day for you, brother. And she wanted to know if I'd give you a shout-out. And I said, hey, let's just do one better. Let's just call him. So tell me what you're celebrating today.

Nine years sober. Nine years sober. Nine years sober, man. Congratulations, dude. If we had like cannons and confetti, we would blow them off, but we don't have any of that stuff. So I'll just clap for you or something like that. Man, congratulations, dude. And so what are you doing these days?

You're running a lawn business in Atlanta area? Yeah. So my wife and I, we just got married last year and are having a baby. Whoa, dude. Congratulations, man. Yeah, so it was a happy wedding present. And she works in the recovery field, and I run a lawn business here in Atlanta. Man, congratulations.

All right, so what would you say the key to staying sober nine years is? Because that's basically almost a decade, right? That's a huge accomplishment. Give the listeners here, what is a key to staying sober for nine years? For sure, taking it one day at a time. Whenever I first got sober, I couldn't imagine being sober for this long. It blows my mind. It's really, truly a miracle.

I mean, it's amazing. But taking it one day at a time is the key because I can do anything for a day or for a minute or for an hour. Well, man, hey, listen, I'm going to let you get back to mowing. Taking it one day at a time that's what i'm doing as i stumble through trying to be on the radio and run a podcast and i'm terrible at it you i'm trying to say that you you are absolutely amazing man like you are so funny and i love listening to you guys i think that you're an incredible addition and i value you guys so much i mean y'all y'all don't even know how much you inspire some random Georgia boy to keep going another day.

Well, listen, I've been stumbling through this for a little over a year and you've been taking it day by day for a decade so you inspire me and I'm grateful for you, man. Hug that wife of yours when you get home, hug that little baby of yours and mow to the best of your

abilities. I don't know what you're supposed to say there. So Moe, awesome today, brother. And I will talk to you soon. All right, man? Congratulations, James. Thank you so much for the call. All right, brother. Have a good one.

I appreciate it. Nine years, man. What a stud, James. Way to go. Hey, listen, if you want us to do shout-outs, we've never done one of those before, we're just making this up on the fly, because why not?

This show's got my name in it. Shoot Kelly an email at askjohn, no, no, no, at johndeloney.com slash show, how about that? And put a note in there, and we will see if we can do shout-outs. I think that's awesome. Good for that guy.

That would have been way cooler if he had started swearing real loud we got you gone bananas being like hold on um i'm beating this guy up on the side of the road or something but james is a good guy i like that he said he was listening to our show when you called him like that's pretty meta yeah that's kind of super meta like we're in the matrix for sure it's all a simulation man all right um so let's go straight back to well let's go straight to the phones we just got off them but let's talk to callers that actually called in let's go to alicia in ashfield north carolina alicia what's going on hey there how are you doing today i'm good how about you doing good i have um a question obviously I am divorced, and me and my husband co-parent very well together.

And recently, he's basically been living in my third bedroom, which is good for the girls and everything. Is it? I feel like it's – Is it? They get more time with him. But I feel like I need to create boundaries with it, like between us, because it is my home. Yes. And I'm just struggling on how to do that.

It's kind of like, we eat Taco Bell three times a day, every day, for a year. And I think that I probably should start eating better. That's kind of what you're asking me. So, do you have your, how long have you all been divorced? We have been divorced for over a year we were legally separated for two years before we got divorced okay so y'all haven't been together for three years we well he was still living with me when we were separated it's a very strange situation but he was still living with me we ended up getting divorced he

moved out and then it's just kind of like been a transition of him being more present. Why, why did you get separated and then divorced, but stay roommates? Um, for the girls. And like, I feel like a part of us was trying to work on the relationship, but it just wasn't. Which part of, which part of us? The you part? Yes. But ultimately it's because it just gave him more accessibility to our children. It allows him to have more time with them. Is this a way for you to keep him in your life? Yes, absolutely.

Okay. And if he had to go find his own place to live Would he disappear? Um No, he wouldn't disappear, I'd still see him I mean, it would just be different I've Lived with him pretty much my entire adult life So it's a strange thing

Like when he's not there, I guess I could say Yes, and are you willing To cash in on any future Romantic relationships, any future growth, any future movement you're going to have, any semblance of a healthy relationship model for your kids in order to keep things the way they've been forever? Yeah, and that's what I think about because it's like this isn't how – this isn't the example I want to set. And it's just kind of – I don't know where to go from there. Yeah, it is. I love your heart, but it is the example I want to set. And it's just kind of, I don't know where to go from there. Yeah, it is. It's the example. I love your heart, but it is the example you are setting, right?

Yes. When's the last time y'all slept together? Recent times. Yeah, okay. So what does divorce even mean? It sounds like y'all are dating, and you're... Honestly, it just sounds like a mess. Yes, it's... Yeah, I mean, I think the divorce part was just like the legality of,

well, we're no longer legally combined. So it's like, in theory, there's the freedom to go date and do these things. It just doesn't happen. Does he date around? Not that I'm aware of. I know he has when we were separated, but not that I know of recently. Oh, man.

Okay, so yeah, you've got to get him out of your house. And you've got to move on with your life. And what's happening is... How old are your daughters? They are... They're three.

They're twins. Three-year-old twins. Okay. You either need to decide this is going to be the guy you're with and he's going to decide that you are the woman he's with. Or you are dancing with something where he's going to decide that you are the woman he's with or you are dancing with something where he's going to come home one day and have been dating somebody for six months and you didn't know it or he's going to come home and have something real serious or you're going to run

into something real serious or he's going to get transferred out or he's going to get tired of just being with the kids and he's just going to move or you're going to get a job opportunity or get transferred to some other whatever is going to happen and all you are doing right now is um you know when you like uh i'm just projecting out here but when you first realized we're about to get divorced and that extra that fourth fifth and sixth beer made all that go away for an evening and then you had to deal with it tomorrow that's what y'all are doing right now. Yes. And the difference is you're dragging two three-year-olds along here.

And I guarantee, I trust wholly that y'all are doing well co-parenting. But you're playing house, and your kids are going to pick up on that tension, on those comments, on that gap between you two. And they're going to think that is how normal, functioning, healthy adult relationships work. Where two divorced people live in the same house, date other people. One just dates the other, but the other dates other people. And they make sure everybody knows all, you know what I mean? There's no romance. There's no dates.

They're not seeing how somebody who loves their mama treats their mama, how mama treats dad. They're not seeing any of that. They're just seeing two roommates who occasionally hook up. And by the way, kids can feel that and that awkwardness the next day. All of that, they're absorbing it. Why are you terrified to leave him? Do you still love him? I do, yes.

I think part of me will always love him. That doesn't mean I should be with him, I guess. Okay, so I 100% honor that, right? And I think you're right. I think there will always be a part of you that cares about this guy. No question about it. If he asked you to marry him today, he just came home this evening and said, what are we doing?

Let's get married. Would you say yes? Truthfully, I don't know. Why not? Because I think about, because I have those moments where I miss the romantic relationship and I think about,

there's a reason why we're not together. There's a reason why we got divorced. Why'd you get divorced? Ultimately, I had an affair years ago and we never recovered from it. And there was just forever anger and tension towards each other. And we just never really recovered.

I mean, we did. I mean, we get along well, but it's like when it comes to the romantic part, it's like it just changed. And it's like we fought, we fought a lot.

So you deserve to have somebody who will forgive you in your life and love you for who you are, mistakes and all. And if that's not this person, you need to move on. Okay. You got to move on. You screwed up years ago. Yep, you did. And the more you carry that around with you and the more that he weaponizes that and uses

that as reason to not either fully love you or fully move on, it's just a mess, right? And what I'm telling you is this only ends badly. It doesn't end well. Because y'all are sitting on top of an unhealed wound that he has chosen and to some degree you have chosen to never heal from. And it's going to eventually erupt. And that's a gross analogy, I know, because I don't want to talk about erupting wounds,

but it's coming your way. And the mess from all of that, the pus and the blood and the infection is going to get all of your daughters. Don't do that to them. And don't do that to yourself, right? Yeah. Is that fair? It is fair.

It's just scary, I guess, to think about sometimes. But yes, it is fair. Do you think you're worthy of being loved? Yes. I would like to think so. No, no, no, no. Do you think so? Yes. You are. Are you a cheater for the rest of your life? No.

Not at all. Did you screw up once? Yes, absolutely. Okay, here's what I want you to do I want you to take out a piece of paper and I want you to write cheater on it with a marker and then I want you to fold it up

in an envelope and I want you to mail it to me and when you mail it you're done with it you're done you're finished with it you can look up my address on the website I want you to mail it, you're done with it. You're done. You're finished with it. I can do that. Okay?

You can look up my address on the website. I want you to mail it to me. You're done with it. Okay? And you have to move on. You have to forgive yourself. You've got to put that thing in the mail and send it away. It's over.

It's going to become a brick on the new road to wherever you're headed. It's in your past. It's what it was. But until you forgive yourself for what you did, you're never going to think you're worthy of being loved. And then you're going to let knucklehead hang around in a third bedroom, sleep with him when you both get exhausted and desperate or just need human connection. And it's going to be easier than dating, especially during COVID. And you're going to be able to lie to yourself and say, we're doing such a great job co-parenting. And what he needs to do is get his own apartment, get his own place, and still be super present

in his daughter's lives. That's his job, not yours. Okay, yeah. You know what I mean? Yes, and I try to make it my job. Yeah. I try to facilitate it. Absolutely.

And you still will need to be a super connected facilitator, right? Super connected co-parent. But he needs to move on with his life and take care of his new romantic world and yours. And if he says, no, no, no, I don't want to go. I've fallen back in love with you. Then you'll need to zoom, do not pass go to a marriage counselor, deal with the past infidelity, and then move on. How long ago is that? Years? This will be since five years ago. Yeah. Done. We're past it. We're on. We're way past.

Okay? It's heal and or separate, heal and or come closer together, build something new together and something strong, and then we're done. Okay? So I want you to put that in an envelope, mail it to me, and when you mail it, never again. You're done with it. It's over. It's something stupid you did in your past, and you're moving on.

And then y'all are either going to build something new or you are going to excavate that sucker, and he's going to be out. So I would tell him tonight, this weekend, hey, listen, we can't keep playing house. We're divorced. You need to get your own place. I need to move on with my life. I'm worthy of being loved.

You are worthy of being loved. And we've already determined it's not going to be between the two of us. These girls are learning an unhealthy model of what this wacky, weird arrangement looks like. We're going to co-parent awesome. I'm always going to love you. You're always going to love me. And then we're going to move on with our lives. And we are going to be the best co-parents to these daughters in the whole wide world.

And when he falls in love with somebody, she's going to be a great influence around your daughters or she's not coming around them. And when you fall in love with somebody, that guy's going to be a great influence around your daughters or he's not coming around them, right? And we're all going to do this messy, gravelly, uncomfortable walk together, but we're going to make these – we're going to pave this road with these bricks that were set down. We're going to quit carrying that crap around.

Thank you so much for that call, Alicia. Let's go to Andrew in Los Angeles, California. Andrew, what's up, brother? How we doing? Hey, how's it going, John? All right, man. Hey, it is early out there. You sound like you're a cash, brother. You doing hey how's it going john all right man hey it is early out there you sound like you're a cash brother you doing all right yeah and i i haven't slept much so ah man i hate

that for you dude so what's up how can i help okay so um a little over two years i'm 25 and a little over two years ago uh exactly three months after I got married, I was working and I suffered an accident where someone ran over my feet and crushed my nurse and left me disabled for the rest of my life. Um, I'm constantly in pain and, um, I guess what I wanted to ask is that I've been, I've been diagnosed with like PTSD, PTSD and anxiety, and I struggle really bad with it. Constantly have episodes with triggers, things that, like, such as the things that I got

ran over with. What'd you get run over with? Someone used an electrical pallet jack and bulldozed a bunch of pallets over my feet and yeah i mean i'm grateful i if i would i fell forward if i had fallen back i would have fallen into a giant garbage compactor and probably died yikes so are you able to walk now? I use a wheelchair and I use crutches. Okay. I'm limited. Okay.

So, yeah, it's just been really hard on me and my wife. My wife has been great, but I constantly deal with, like, nightmares, night terrors, waking up screaming, waking her up, freaking her out, having anxiety attacks. I mean, I was doing pretty good there for a while, but even on Sunday, like, I got triggered, and I just can't help it, and I don't really know how to work on it. Man, well, I appreciate your vulnerability here and saying this stuff out loud, okay? How have you tried to move on? What are some things you've tried to do?

Well, I went through counseling for a while. Okay. But I just couldn't keep up with pain for it. So I'm in the middle of doing Social Security. I want to get back on to therapy and stuff like that. But I also come by three times a month out of my own pocket. So, I mean, yeah, it is what it is. You do what three times a month?

I have a therapist come to my home and work with me three times a month. Okay. So, yeah. So, there's several things here, but I want to get right to the crux of it, okay? So this happened how many years ago? A little over two years. A little over two years. Like, it's been such a different, such a crazy thing that's happened because it's not like I was worse from the beginning.

I actually got worse with time, and I listened to the doctors, and with practice, I got worse with time and i listened to the doctors and with practice i got worse unfortunately like they stuck needles in my foot and made me worse and pain got worse and things like that it just um and even like all the while life life was crazy. My brother died from an overdose. And I had to push through my pain and made my foot worse through all that. It's just, I have a pretty high pain tolerance. So it is what it is. But I do the best I can. I don't work anymore. But it's just this constant fear of like my wife is going to leave me and

these constant nightmares and and it's the constant nightmares of the accident or even some where it's like i want to kill my like my my dreams are like in my dreams i want to kill myself yeah and it's just like this accident has really made things hard. Mentally, I've never experienced it. Yeah, man. All right, so I'm going to be pretty direct with you. Is that cool? Yeah.

Okay. At some point, whether that's today or whether that's in a year, whether that's in three years or ten years, at some point, you're going to have to come to terms with this is your life. And you have not yet. You are continuing to live in the I can't believe this happened part of this. Make no mistake, this sucks. I hate that it happened to you.

You're a victim of this thing. You were just standing there minding your business and somebody ran over your feet. It happened. And it's awful. And it has altered the way you will live your life, maybe even forever. And then there's a period at the end of that sentence.

And the next sentence to be written is you're sitting there with a pen in your hand. And right now the sentence you are choosing to write is, this sucks, this is miserable, she's probably going to leave, this sucks, I can't believe my brother died, this is miserable, this sucks, I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. And all of that is true and it's not doing one thing to make your situation better. So when you are ready, here's what you're going to have to do. You're going to have to fully grieve what was. You were a 23-year-old guy. You had just gotten married. It was party time.

You were living it up in Southern California. It was on, it was on, it was on. And then suddenly it wasn't. There was a period at the end of that sentence. And you're going to have to be around people who will grieve that with you. Grief has to be seen by others or it just goes inside. And then you're going to have to decide who you're going to be on the back end of this. You cannot, at 25 years old, cash out from working.

We have too much innate value in contribution. And if you live a life where you aren't contributing to your community, to your country, to a job, to your spouse, you will implode from the inside out, and you will drown everyone around you, yourself included. So, you've got to be about what meeting am I going to make from what happened to me? Am I going to run an e-commerce business? Am I going to work from home now that COVID's happened? Anybody can work anywhere for doing anything, right? Are you going to learn a whole new set of skills and use this time at home and crank it out and be on disability a short

time and get back in the workforce? Because I bet you've got a story to tell and I bet you've got a bajillion people to inspire. And I bet you can do just about anything you want to because you've persevered and you've overcome this. Right? But at the end of the day, you have to ask yourself this one question. Are you ready to move on?

And for some reason, you're not. I guess it's just been hard because people constantly be telling, and I know they're trying to be positive, but like, oh, you're going to walk one day. You're not going to be in pain one day. Hey, listen, listen. You went right to what other people are telling you. And I want to know what Andrew's telling Andrew.

I don't know. I'm afraid I'm going to be stuck like this. Okay. So I was told I was going to be permanently handicapped the rest of my life. Okay. So here's the thing. Let's say that you are. Let's say you are permanently handicapped the rest of my life. Okay. So here's the thing. Let's say that you are. Let's say you are

permanently handicapped the rest of your life. You are in that chair for the rest of your life. Mm. Are you done? 25? You're cashed out?

No. You're just going to give up? That's it? No. What are you going to do, brother? Honestly, before this happened, I had dreams of, I met my wife in Bible college, and I eventually wanted to go on and work in a church and eventually one day be a pastor. Okay.

All that came to a halt when we left our church about a year ago. Now we're starting, we just started going to a new one, so kind of starting over right now. So every single thing you just mentioned you can do from your home. You can go to seminary from your house. You can watch a bajillion YouTube videos and learn how to speak. You can create a podcast from your house. You can do home ministry.

People can come to you. You can go to them if you're mobile. You can write. You can start a blog called Living Through Pain. You can do a million things, Andrew. But right now you're blinded by the voices of other people pumping you up. You're blinded by the voices of other people pumping you up you're blinded by the voices of other people cutting you off at the knees literally right so you got one group of people saying oh you're

going to be playing tennis again soon and you got other people saying you will never get out of that chair again and you got other people saying why don't you just cut off your legs there you go very right so here's what here's the person who nobody's listening to, especially Andrew. And it's Andrew. And you have to decide who goes in your box, who are you going to listen to from this point forward. Nobody else gets a vote. And then you start with that pen in your hand, brother, creating what today and tomorrow is going to look like. And it's going to hurt, and it's going to be frustrating, and there's going to be setbacks.

And what's going to happen is you are going to inch down that road, right? Like the tortoise and the hare, you're going to inch down that road, and everyone's going to be flying by you, and you're going to keep inching and keep inching and keep writing and keep taking seminary course after seminary course and applying for jobs and not getting them and keep applying and reaching out and getting a coaching certificate and, and, and, and. Along the way, you're going to talk to your wife and be vulnerable and say, hey, today kind of sucks. And then when days don't suck, you're going to say, how can I honor and love you? Because you're not going to keep leaning on these emotional crutches.

You've got your physical crutches. You're not going to keep leaning back like, I know, honey, but two years ago, you're going to say, cool, let's figure this out. And when you hurt, you're going to keep trying, and you're going to listen to doctors. Yeah, okay, some doctor screwed up. Go to the next one, right? Find online those body movement coaches and begin to get some flexibility back in your

hips and your knees right whatever it takes because here's the alternative andrew just sitting in the chair man just sitting in the chair i've i've been working on that been pushing myself to do things more physically lately i mean mean, last year I was completely confined to the chair. Now I've been using my crutches, sometimes even going out just with crutches. So you're seeing a little bit of movement, right? The tortoise is slowly starting to... Okay, there you go, brother. But hey, you're talking about physical stuff. Tell me about your soul, man. It's like, that's where I'm struggling.

I can't control the nightmares that I have. I can't control. I mean, I have sleeping aids, but I don't like to take them because they make me feel hungover pretty much. Okay, so here's the deal. Listen, listen. PTSD, anxiety, depression, those are all alarms that tell you that your body's setting off that this thing is still happening that you aren't safe you don't have a community around you right in these nightmares these loops there are some pretty clear and relatively simple ways to stop

those nightmares okay but it caught it means you have to be highly intentional in the daytime. So when you have this nightmare, I want you to wake up and write it down. It takes the power away from it when you put it on a piece of paper during the day, I want you to write down the most recurring nightmare, right? The one that you are, that, that, that forklift is coming right at you. That front end loader is coming right at you, right? And what I want you to do is I want you to write it down, but this time I want you to change the ending. That it misses, right? That somebody blows the whistle and the whole thing stops and you're safe and you walk away.

I want you to write that down on a piece of paper. And then I want you to read it a couple of times a day, a couple of times a day. And what's going to happen is your nightmares are going to be released. Your body is going to go, whew, Andrew's back in charge because right now Andrew's not in charge, man. You cashed out. And that's okay. I understand.

You suffered a bad trauma. And so what your body is trying to do is take care of Andrew because Andrew's not taking care of Andrew. And so every scary thing in the world, it's setting off every alarm you got. When you're asleep, when you're awake, when you're not paying attention, it sets off your anxiety. When your anxiety's up, it wants you just to get under the covers and sleep, right, with that depression. It is trying to take care of you because Andrew's not online. And you've got to bring Andrew back online.

And that means you've got to grieve what happened happened, decide there's a period at the end of that sentence, it happened. And now what is Andrew going to be about in the future? Who is Andrew going to be? And that is an emotional, psychological, spiritual exercise where every day you're writing down a gratitude journal, every day you're writing your, here's who I'm going to be today. And then you're going to be really graceful with yourself.

You're going to have a community of people with you. Who's walking this with you, man? My wife and then I just, I just had some, a couple of my friends just come back from the military. That's awesome. And they didn't really know how bad things were until we sat down and talked. Awesome.

Now they're trying to be there for me, and they check up on me now. So once a week, once a week, you're going to have a group called Andy's Army, and you're all going to get together for drinks or hanging out or having coffee or tea. Whatever it is you all do, you're all going to do it once a week, you're going to have a group called Andy's Army, and you're all going to get together for drinks or hanging out or having coffee or tea, whatever it is you all do, you're all going to do it once a week. And you're not always going to talk about the accident. You're going to talk about what's going on in each other's lives and your marriages and whatever. And listen, sitting there every day wondering if she's going to leave you, if she's going to leave you, is going to certify one thing.

She's probably going to leave you. Instead of, it's anticipatory anxiety, right? You are projecting a fear into the future and you are worrying about it now as though it's happening. I want you to think that like every time that I've thought about this, she reassures me that that's not going to happen. Okay. There's no indication that that would happen in real life. It's just like a subconscious fear that I've had. Yeah. And here's the deal, man, your, your body has experienced the worst. And so it is mining any possible future worst and trying to protect you from it now. And what it's going to do is drown everybody around you. So instead of worrying, when that thought pops in your head,

she's going to leave you. I want you to say out loud nope she's here for good and i'm going to be an incredible partner i'm going to be a great husband and you and her are going to already have talked about these things y'all are going to do together right so you're talking about being a husband talking about possibly being a dad talking about getting back into the workforce being somebody who leads other people. All of this is beautiful. And the PTSD, the anxiety, the depression, listen, your body is working perfectly. It is trying to take care of you and protect you. It is trying to care for you because you got hurt bad. And so what you have to do is let your body know, let your wife know, let your buddies who just got back from the army who are going to start coming over to your house once a week to hang out, let everybody know Andrew's coming back online. And that starts with picking up that pen and writing the next chapter of your story.

And it's going to hurt and it's going to suck and you got to have people with you and you're going to keep writing and you're going to keep writing. And there's going to be weeks that you get buried and you write nothing and then you're going to pick that pen back up and you're going to write a gratitude journal again you're going to write your affirmations again you're going to keep working on your physical body you're going to keep working on your head you're going to read books you're going to take online classes you're going to contribute to something And you are going to decide at 25, I'm not cashing out. And to those of y'all listening to this, at 35, at 55, at 75, I'm not cashing out.

Life is made up of tragedy and trauma and ugliness and brokenness and accidents and somebody treating you bad. That's life. And that's why we have other people in our lives. That's why we try to take care of ourselves. And then we've got that pen, that lonely, lonely pen to write the next thing and the next thing and the next thing.

Andrew, I believe in you. And as you walk through this, I want you to keep in touch with us as we keep going, all right? All right, Andrew, thank you so much for that call. Hey, listen, tomorrow I'm going. All right. All right, Andrew. Thank you so much for that call. Hey, listen. Tomorrow, I'm going to go spend two hours with a counselor. My wife sees a counselor. Everybody I know, I recommend during this season of grief, during the season of change, transition, whatever's going on, go see a professional counselor. But listen, not everybody can get there.

People have got mobility challenges. It's expensive. Wait lists across the country are weeks and months long. So here's what I did. I partnered with BetterHelp, an online counseling program. They've got licensed counselors that will talk to you with video chat, on the phone, even text chat. I've never even heard of text chat therapy, but they've got it. With licensed professionals, listen, go to betterhelp.com slash Deloney for 10% off your first month. It is cheaper than

in-person therapy. And instead of six month wait list or six weeks wait list, whatever, if you get in touch with them within 48 hours, somebody will reach out and talk to you. Betterhelp.com slash Deloney, 10% off for real counseling right now when you need it, where you need it. You're worth getting well. All right, let's take one more call. Let's go to Nikki in Seattle. Nikki, what's going on?

Hi, Dr. John. Thank you so much for taking my call. You bet. Thanks for calling. How are you? I'm good. How are you? We are having a blast figuring it out one caller at a time, I guess. I'm still figuring out what I'm even doing

with my life, Nikki. So we'll get there, right? So, hey, how can I help you? What's going on? So my boyfriend and I have been together for six years and we have two babies together. We have a, we have a seven month old and a two year old. So you're in it now, huh? Yeah, I'm in it.

Do you even know what day it is? I actually don't. I know it's somewhere in April. Oh, I love that. Okay. Um, all right.

So you have a two yearyear-old and a seven-month-old. You don't know what day it is. And I can only guess where this is going. You've been dating this guy for six years. Yeah. And then what? Yeah. Well, so he kind of, so we live together.

You know, we play house house as Dave calls it. Okay. And he has a hard time with me. I guess I should say I have a hard time keeping up with his kind of expectations. Um, so he wants me to exercise more and to get my body back to the way it was. Um, but I feel, I feel so overwhelmed but hey just just a quick thing does he know that you have a seven month old and a two-year-old pick that up by now i think i think he might pick that up by now okay so i i'm trying to wrap my head around this walk me through how that actual conversation takes place. So he sees you breastfeeding a kid and there's a two year old just screaming and you have dinner cooking and he looks at you and goes, yeah, this body is not cutting it. You're going to have to fix it like how does that even happen you'll get home from work

and he'll be like so did you do your exercise bike today oh gosh what i say no i did not do my exercise bike today now dr john i'm dealing with a guy who has the mindset of Jocko. I know, but listen, I do too. I love Jocko. I'm going to do a speaking engagement with him in a few weeks. I love him. And you know what I never, ever did? Look at my wife holding a seven-month-old and be like, so how'd your workout go today, babe?

Never. You know why? Because I have a soul. And I actually care about human beings, right? Like, I don't care. Jocko wouldn't do that to his own wife. And he's got multiple. He's actually care about human beings, right? Like, I don't care. Jocko wouldn't do that to his own wife. And he's got multiple. He's got four or five kids, right?

God almighty. So I always want to try to find the soul in somebody. What they're trying to be helpful is... And my body's not even that bad. I've lost 70 pounds. No, listen, Nikki This has nothing to do with your body I'm trying to get to a place where I can empathize with this guy

Before I just hang up on you And I call him directly That's not even our main problem, though Oh, sweet We'll continue, Nikki Go ahead So, he He thinks I don't keep

the house clean enough. Oh, gosh. Nikki, listen. And to the point he wants to kick me out. Hey, listen. Go. Bye. Take both of those kids and go. I know. I can't do that, though. Hey, listen.

Go. This guy's not worthy of another second of your love and your time and your affection. I try but it's just so much in a day. He says I spend too much time on

social media and I get that but I just don't have the motivation right now to do anything. Yeah. Nope. Have you left before? Yeah. I just came back like a week ago or, yeah, about a week ago.

I left with my dad. So you moved out? Okay. So how was that time away? It was very good. It's hard, you know, living somewhere else. Yeah. Why'd you come back? Two little monsters.

Well, I just, I want, I miss him, and I want my kids to be around their dad. I don't want my kids around a guy like that. I don't want my kids around a guy like that. I don't want my friend to run a guy like that. I don't want my friend Nikki to run a guy like that. Now, here's the thing. He may understand that exercise, especially for folks with postpartum, is really good for you. He may understand that scrolling social media is not good for you. Right?

And he's right on both of those things. But he also needs to know that beating up on a struggling mom of two tiny little babies clearly there's other things going on in your relationship. Clearly.

And if he is somebody who has chosen not to commit to you after six years and two kids together and now he's putting ultimatums on you because he wants his old life back and it's your job to get that old life back for him then he's not somebody that's going to be there long term for you

okay do you hear what I'm saying? then he's not somebody that's going to be there long-term for you. Okay. Do you hear what I'm saying? Yeah, I am. And I'm right, aren't I? You are right. And I know my mind is like, you know, if he's not willing to marry me, you know, and not be like, well, maybe if you, because he says this is like, this is the job interview. And if I want three.

What? Wait, wait, wait, wait. Six years and two kids and you're interviewing? Yeah, I know. Nikki. Uh-uh. You know who wouldn't put up with that crap? Jocko. And I won't either.

You're worth more than that. Are you struggling right now? Yes. and I won't either. You're worth more than that. Are you struggling right now? Yes. Is exercise always... I tell him it's just a season. We're in the thick of this. We're in the thick of this right now. And he just, it's like it's in one ear and out the other.

He doesn't care. It's like the only thing he sees is the house. And the house is a little messy. We've got dishes and we've got dirty laundry and there's toys everywhere. And that's all he sees. I swear that's all he sees. And so one of Jocko's core tenets is when you see a challenge, fix it. Yeah.

And what every husband who's got a wife with a two-year-old and a seven-month-old in the house should do is step up and help with the dishes. For crying out loud, and the vacuuming, and the laundry. And I don't care how many jobs you're working, I don't care how busy you are, I don't care how tired you are. As you mentioned, you're in a season. When it's winter, everybody puts on a jacket. Everybody has to de-ice the driveway. Everybody has to do different things in winter because it's winter. And when you have a two-year-old and a seven-month-old,

everything feels a little bit heavy. Is that right? Oh, yeah. Okay. And now listen, I will tell you in a more gentle way, you will never go wrong putting those kids in a double stroller and going for a long walk, ever. You will never go wrong by those kids in a double stroller and going for a long walk ever you will never go wrong by being on your phone less right and you know that right oh yeah you'll

never go wrong by by um making a list of the things that you need to do in a day and really leaning into them to use joo language to crush those things on that list, however big or small they are. And sometimes they're as small for a mom with a seven-month-old and a two-year-old. Sometimes it's as small as I'm going to make the bed, I'm going to take a shower, and I'm going to fill in the blank. I'm going to do one thing around here, right? And you're going to sit down with him and you're all going to plan that out.

And I would recommend doing it to the day but if he said the words to you this is a job interview I want you to walk out of the job interview because you don't want to work there you know what I mean you don't want to work there and that is scary and that is terrifying and that is frustrating

that guy does not deserve you. Okay? You don't deserve to be interviewing after six years in kid two. I know. I completely agree. Okay, so what's stopping you? What's stopping you?

I don't want a broken family it is broken it is you running around with duct tape doesn't make your tile floor not cracked yeah and what's happening is these two little kids are are figuring out wow this is how this is how parents act this is how two little kids are figuring out, wow, this is how parents act. This is how two people who play house and love each other act. This is how they treat each other. Yeah. Yeah.

You know what I mean? I get it. I get it. This is how a grown man treats the wife of his two little babies. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And that's, that's what I'm afraid of. Don't be afraid of it.

Because when you say I'm afraid of it, that's like saying a bear might come. This has come. It is at your door. It is in your home. Okay. Gosh. I know. I know.

So when, when he, when you were off at your dad's house was he calling you saying hey come home come home i'm sorry he well let's let's let's make note that there was not any i'm sorry thrown into this at all. Okay. He said he wanted to, but he didn't want to seem desperate. I'm like, what? We're not dating. We're not at the beginning of our relationship. You don't have to play it cool.

I can't date a robot anymore. I need to know feelings. I need to hear these feelings. I don't want to be desperate? I know! I don't want to seem desperate. And I was like, what do you mean desperate? If your wife and your two babies leave

your house, that is the definition of desperate. And what was so funny, I got it, oh God, it was so funny. He called me because he was like hey the lights are out how do you pay the electric bill

your lights got cut off no we didn't I didn't pay it in time and so he's like hey could you pay this for me I mean using his card and stuff and he pays for it

but he didn't know how to so I'm like I think that's a little desperate honey okay so here's the Nikki, here's what I want you to do in all seriousness. And I know that you are laughing to keep this overwhelming tide of grief to come over you. Is that fair? Yeah, definitely. Okay. So I want you to today call a local counselor in your area and set up an appointment for just you. Okay? Okay. Spend whatever you got to spend for childcare.

Call whoever you got to call. If you got to drop them off at your dad's house, drop them off at your dad's house. But I want you to go see somebody. And I want you to lay out, here's what's happening. And if you want to try and save this, I was going to say save your marriage, but it's not even one. You have a daughter? I have two sons. Two sons. Okay. So one of your sons comes home in 22 years, 23 years, 24 years, and says, hey mom, you know, Susan, I've been dating for

six years. We're having a second kid. And I told her this is going to be a great tryout for her to see if she's going to be the one we're sticking around. What would your response to that boy be? I'd be so mad at him. That's right. That's right.

Yeah. Yep. Okay. that's right yeah yep and I want you to treat yourself with that same level of care I want you to treat those babies with that same level of care my deepest wish is that your husband goes what am I doing or your boyfriend goes

what am I doing and he snaps out of it. Okay. And maybe he's misreading Jocko and misreading the understanding of what that guy talks about. But the root of what he talks about is ownership, responsibility, accomplishing a mission, right? Not berating a exhausted, frustrated, postpartum mother of their two babies. Okay? And to every guy out there listening to this, stop. Stop.

You want your wife to get off social media? Give her a place worthy of being off social media for. You want a wife who's not so exhausted all the time? Pick up the crap around the house. Sit down and have that conversation with her and say, how can I honor you today? And I know you're off making the money. I know you're off doing your work

whatever, cool you know what you're not doing? dragging around two little kids my wife's been out of town for a few days and I've had the kids at my house coming into work is a blessing and a gift in a safe, safe, quiet place and it's been like three days

not day after day after day, after year, after year quiet place. And it's been like three days. Not day after day after day after year after year. Nikki, I'm so sorry this is happening to you and I'm sorry to tell you this. But you know, I'm not telling you anything new, right? Right, yeah. Is your dad in your corner? Is your mom in your corner?

Definitely. Okay. So I want you to lean on them. But today I want you to go make an appointment with a counselor and start getting the help and care that you need. And either come up with a if-then, if-not-now-then conversation with your boyfriend, a practice conversation, or an exit strategy. Sooner rather than later. You are not on a job interview. You are not trying out for this guy's love. You're better than that.

You got more than that. Husbands, create a home for your wives that they don't want to be on social media they want to be with you create an environment where they've got space to go exercise and move their bodies

and to walk because there's not 40 other things that you've given them to do or they feel obligated to do in this space so they don't even have time to take care of themselves

create a world where your partner's got space. Man, I hate that for you, Nikki. I'm heartbroken for you. Jeez Louise, I don't even know how to end this show, man. You know what? You're going to end this with strength. Just like I told the caller earlier, you've got the pen now. There's a peer at the end of that sentence when he said, I don't want to appear desperate. Cool.

You are desperate. You're at the end of your rope. And now you've got a pen. You get to write what happens next. And I want you to write, I matter. My kids matter. I'm worthy of being loved. I'm worthy of being in a situation where I'm not trying out, where I am fully known and fully loved. And I'm going to start taking the next step to get there. It's a teeny tiny, frustrating, collapsing step, but I'm going to get there. I'm going to take the next one.

I'm going to lean on my dad. I'm going to lean on my mom. I'm going to lean on my counselor. I'm going to lean on my friends and my community. Because this guy said he won't be there, not until i pass the tryout which is i guess is six years and two kids later but you're gonna be a fierce bad man majama nikki and we're all rooting for you let me know how that conversation goes let me know how connecting with that counselor goes gentlemen be better i'm saying this to myself i gotta be better too but we gotta be better

we gotta be better than that and saying this to myself. I've got to be better too, but we've got to be better. We've got to be better than that. And if we've got friends in our lives that talk that crap to their wives, to their girlfriends, we've got to be willing to step up and say no. Absolutely not. Absolutely not. It's not funny. It's not a joke.

It's not, hey, bro. Nope. Be better than that. We've got to hold ourselves accountable, gentlemen. Starting yesterday. Alright, so as I wrap up today's show, let's see here. You know what? We're just going to go straight here because when things get bleak and heavy

and they lay on your soul, sometimes you've just got to go back to a little bit of screamo music, a little bit of dramatic screamo music where it got enough screamo that they needed to add a piano. This album by My Chemical Romance, I loved this song, Welcome to the Black Parade. And it was on the album, The Black Parade, and it goes like this. It's so dramatic. It's so good. When I was a young boy, my father took me into the city to see a marching band. He said, son, when you grow up, will you be the savior of

the broken, the beaten, and the damned? He said, will you defeat them, your demons, and all the non-believers, the plans that they have made. Because one day I'll leave you a phantom to lead you in the summer to join the black parade. Sometimes I get the feeling she's watching over me and other times I feel like I should go and through it all the rise and fall, the bodies in the streets. And when you're gone, we all want you to know we'll carry on. We'll carry on. And though you're dead and gone, believe me, your memory will carry on. Will carry on. And though you're dead and gone, believe me, your memory will carry on. Hey dude, go listen to

Welcome to the Black Parade. This song will make your heart swell. You might roll your eyes, but it's good and it gets in your soul, especially the piano part. I love you so much. This has been the Dr. John Deloney Show.