The Dr. John Delony Show - I Have a Crush on My Co-Worker but I’m Happily Married

Episode Date: March 17, 2023

On today’s show, we hear about: - A happily married man struggling with romantic feelings for a coworker - A recently sober father wondering if his behavior has damaged his young son - A resentful wife desperate for her immature husband to pull his own weight Lyrics of the Day: "Magic Man" - Heart Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show.  Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp DreamCloud Churchill Mortgage Thorne Add products to your cart create an account at checkout Receive 25% off ALL orders Resources: Own Your Past, Change Your Future Questions for Humans Conversation Cards Redefining Anxiety Quick Read John’s Free Guided Meditation Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately. Learn more about your ad choices. https://www.megaphone.fm/adchoices Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. I've developed a really big crush on a co-worker. I feel like I'm back in high school and I've been happily married for almost four years. My marriage is great and I don't know why all of a sudden this has come up, but it has. Are you ready just to buckle up because Because I got a lot of thoughts. It's that time again. It's the Dr. John Deloney Show. I'm John.

So glad that you're with us. Talking about mental health and marriage and parenting and falling apart. What in the world? I hope you're doing well. If you want to be on the show, give me a buzz. 1-844-693-3291. It's 1-844-693-3291. And we will rock on till the break of dawn. Let's go to Brandon in Phoenix. What's up, Brandon? Hi, John. How are you? Remarkable. How are you? Doing well, doing well. Thanks for taking my call. You got it, man. What's up?

So, kind of a weird situation. My wife and I recently moved here to Phoenix a few months ago. I started a brand new job. Totally new city, new state, all of that. And over the past month, month and a half or so, uh, I've developed a really big crush on a coworker and I feel like I'm, I feel like I'm back in high school and it's, uh, it's, it's a very weird feeling. I've been happily married for almost four years and my marriage is great. And I don't know why all of a sudden this has come up, but it has, and I'm not sure how to navigate that.

Okay. So are you ready just to buckle up? Cause I got a lot of thoughts. Okay. Here's your job. Your job is to interrupt me at any point. Okay? Okay. Is that cool?

That's cool. So I'm going to rock and roll. You tell me you're wrong. Hold on and just yell, throw a flag. Or if you have like one of those shut up buttons, just push it. Okay? So. Sounds good.

Four years in, y'all have started to settle in. And then you took a new job. Y'all moved to a new town. It was exciting and scary. And y'all had to leave friends or family or whatever. And you landed here. Okay? And your wife has probably settled into.

You're developing a routine. You're starting to talk about what house one day. And maybe having kids or not going to have kids and all that stuff. And you're slowly, slowly, tiny, slowly feeling the old adventurous. Yeah, dude, Brandon. Slowly starting to suffocate a little bit. And the humanity of your wife is real. She's got boogers and she farts and she's like, doesn't wear makeup all the time.

Like all that stuff. And then you start this new job in this new town And somebody makes your heart start beating a little faster again And maybe her body's a little bit better than your wives. You're a little bit different I'll say better than but it's more your jam or maybe there's something in the way She touches your arm or she laughs or she listens to the same music as you there's a little thing that slowly makes you feel like yeah yeah yeah yeah i remember this guy the way he used to feel around girls like her and you even said it uh you feel like a high schooler again you know it was in high school for some of us like me i loved it i love the awkwardness i love wondering

if she liked me i wondered i loved when she broke up with me. I mean, I hated it at the time, but in retrospect, I loved, my wife hated it. I loved it, dude. And so let me make this super clear to you, okay? This is not about her. Nothing to do with her. This is about you. And I want to free you from something being attracted

to people thinking people are awesome wondering what if i would even go as far as to say is having like a crush on so like i just like spending time with that's the rest of your life dude and i'm not i think anybody who beats you up over that is an idiot okay um okay but yeah let me say this but you're always going to find people that are sexy or beautiful hilarious fun i had one friend tell me um he ended up leaving his wife right so and we'll get to that in a second but he said something i just like the way she moves and there was a sensuality to way this this person he worked with the way she just moved through the world right it wasn't even this particular i'm overwhelmed by how beautiful she is or whatever

whatever so whatever that is you land on two choices okay you ready choice number one i am going to scratch and fight and claw my way back to feeling alive inside the marriage that I committed my life to. And we'll talk about that in a second, how you do that. But we're going to create a world where I feel alive, where I'm daily leaning into my wife, where I tell her the truth, where I tell her what I would love to try in the bedroom, what I would like to stop doing, like when it comes to holiday plans, all this, I'm going to start telling her the truth because I haven't really been. I've been hoping she was a mind reader and kind of leaning in a little bit and hoping she would pretend and kind of trying to position her this way. But I haven't said anything because I'm kind

of dishonest and kind of a coward a little bit. And I'm going to allow her to say the same thing too. I'm going to respect her boundaries. So I'm going to stop there to say the same thing too. I'm going to respect her boundaries. So I'm going to stop there before I get to number two. Am I off by on any of this? No, uh, actually just kind of describing the situation. You,

you pretty much nailed it on the head. And, and, and I, I want to clarify. Yeah. Like I'm, I'm in a great marriage.

I love my wife. but yeah, I, I think, I don't know, yeah, like I'm in a great marriage. I love my wife. But, yeah, I think, I don't know, just something about starting in this new place. And I don't even have that close of a relationship with this coworker. It's literally just being friends at work. But, yeah, this coworker definitely has me feeling some of those things. So I think you're right on. So that leads me to number two. Okay.

You're going to respect the fact that you stood up in front of your friends and your family, and if you're a person of faith, in front of God, and you stood before her, your wife, and you said, come what comes, I will be right here. Yeah. What that means is when you have crushes

and want to hang out more and want to have a little side text conversation with somebody, I have been there across the board on all of those things, dude. And I've accidentally through

private jokes and thinking this is funny found myself staring over an abyss with no intention. See what I'm saying? Yeah. Thank God I've never done anything irreversible but I'm telling you, it's just so innocuous. And my whole life

was about flirty energy. That's how I entered a room. And I'm telling you right now, it's been an off switch. Now, I enter a room with peace. And I don't want anything from any of the people because what I realized, I was using people to make myself feel better. Okay? So So the earlier you can say, yeah, she's beautiful. She's hilarious. And I'd like to, there it is. That's when you got a choice. I don't text. I just don't, I don't text women I'm not married to. I don't go get drinks with fill in the blank anymore. I don't do this anymore. I make sure I sit over here. Because I told my wife. And it's going to feel like,

I mean, gosh, now you're going to get me all soapboxed out. We just live in a culture that says like, your feelings are the most important thing. And I reject that with all of my heart. Because you have the same feelings that point out how much, how pretty she is and how funny she is or whatever that you're finding attractive about her. Those same feelings pointed you towards your wife.

Like feelings are feelings. And then you made a choice. Right. And so action, I think, is really critical here. Okay. What are you going to do? Well, I have been meaning to really talk about it with my wife. I'm a little nervous as to how she'll react.

What would that bring you? Well, I mean, I think for me it would bring me peace. But yeah, I am a little anxious as to what she'll think. Have you done anything wrong? No. What is, man, now I'm going to get myself in some dangerous territory. What I have found with younger millennials is, and I say that not in a disparaging way, I just don't see it in other generational groups, is a need to over-overshare

and almost weaponize transparency. What I mean by that is, I tell people all the time, you can't keep secrets. You got to be honest with your spouse. You got to tell them what's going on. You got to tell them all that's good. And I'm finding people who are 22, 23, 25, 26, walking down the mall and looking over at their husband and being like, man, I'd like to sleep with that guy. And it's like, that's super

not helpful, right? There's a point when it's, so that's what I'm asking you. What about this situation? You're at a new job in a new town in a new place. Maybe you didn't want to take this new job. Maybe this is mostly the house that your wife picked. Maybe you're starting to settle in and say, oh my gosh, this is the rest of my life. And I don't like who I'm becoming. And then I see her. What makes you say, I need to go tell my wife that I found somebody else attractive?

Well, I don't know. I think it's just wanting to be transparent with my wife. You know, I've always been. And I, yeah, I guess I'm just afraid of maybe, you know, triggering some anxiety, some jealousy in her. Will you ever cheat on your wife? Sorry? you know, triggering some anxiety, some jealousy in her. Will you ever cheat on your wife? Sorry? Will you ever cheat on your wife?

No. Okay. If I was you, I would consider a couple of things. One, yes, I mean, you know your marriage better than me. If sitting down saying, I need you to know that I have feelings for somebody at work, and I don't even hear you saying you have feelings for somebody, I feel like you're telling, or I hear you telling me, I'm kind of caught off guard because I've kind of got a crush on somebody,

which is different than I really am trying to figure out ways to spend more time with somebody. I really want somebody else. Does that make sense? And it sounds like I'm dancing a fine line here, but tell me if I'm wrong. Let me give you this picture. Esther Perel paints, and I love it. You spend all of your dating time practicing safety. Is she going to show up? Is he going to answer the phone? If somebody tries to get me in a bar, is he going to stand up for me? We're practicing safety. And you're led all with desire. Can't wait to be together.

You blow off tests. You skip work. You're making out in the middle of dinner. It's all about desire. Then when you begin to establish safety, it's very difficult for desire to remain in the presence of safety. Right. That's settling in. And what we don't have in our culture, we do have the practice safety. You'll hear your friends being like, hey, does he call you back? Did she listen to you when you

were telling her that you were sad? We have those conversations. We don't have the other conversations, which are, how do I create a world where we're both fully alive and there's mystery and romance and all day text exchanges that lead into firework shows. Right. And you see what I'm saying? So I think the best way to start this conversation is we just started a whole new life in a new town with a new job. And I find myself on a trajectory where I don't like who I'm becoming. And my guess is it's not just related to this person at work that you feel like a high schooler around. My guess is you're probably also avoiding X, not helping around the house a little bit, maybe taking one more drink than you normally do or eating one more taco than you

normally do. Am I wrong on any of those? I wouldn't say I'm, I've actually been really trying to work on myself better, just hitting the gym more and things like that. And right there's the challenge. Can I tell you that? I know I'm going against everything that you're going to see on Instagram for the next five months. I know that. When y'all lock into a new town and a new place and a new adventure and a new part of your life, you each going your separate ways to quote unquote work on yourselves can actually pull y'all further apart

you may end up spending more time in the gym but the only way this thing works long term is if you all decide we're doubling down on who we're going to be together right and so your whole life is different and you'll probably have not called that out yet your old marriage is over your old college time is over. Your old college time is over. Your old high school time is over. You're in a new town and a new state and a new job and a new whatever. And so y'all have to acknowledge we're building a new world. And part of our new world is we take care of ourselves. Cool. I need to go to the gym. See how different that is than I've been working on myself, listening to podcasts, going to the gym, journaling more. All of those things are isolating you further and further and further from the person that you're supposed to be building a life with. Okay. Yeah.

And you may end up doing those same things. I hope I don't sound crazy. You may end up doing those same exact things, but they're going to be in service to your marriage, not in service to you just getting better so you can crush and kill. And I'm becoming more and more outspoken. I think we've just missed it as a culture. Brandon, I'm not picking on you now. Now I'm just talking to everybody. Somewhere along the way, we begin telling people you shouldn't be married. You shouldn't get in relationships until you're all you and if you're struggling with like a mental health disorder Or you've got some major personality challenges. Yes, you need to go make sure you're well Or if you're codependent marrying somebody so that you can be okay is never healthy

but this idea that I've got to go be a spartan and you've got got to be a Spartan so that we can then get married is madness. You got to do that stuff together in service of one another. I'm not going to crush it and kill it in my twenties so I can crush it and kill it in my, so I can have crushed it and kill it in my twenties. I'm going to crush it and kill it in my twenties because me and my wife have a vision of what our family tree is going to look like when the dust settles on our life. And I'm willing to put all that work in. I'm willing to do this and X and Y and sacrifice on behalf of my wife and my kids and my community and my country. And my wife is, I'm willing to put

this aside and this aside. And it goes right in the face of you follow your dreams and you follow your dreams. When somebody tells me these words, this is the new magic words. Our marriage just ran its course. Bullcrap. I call BS. I call BS. One of you quit or both of you quit, or one of you did something that the other person said, I can no longer be a part of this. But the idea that a relationship just naturally runs out of gas is false. People make life changes. People move. People make decisions about how they're going to invest in themselves and other people and in, more importantly, in the total relationship. So Brandon, I tell you all I have to tell you, I love you. You're not crazy. I don't think you're

a bad guy. I don't think you need to walk in your front door and be like I am I I don't I I don't hear that. Okay. I also you if you listen to the show for five seconds, you know I'm really anti-secrets, right? It may be that when you tell your wife Hey, i'm even finding myself like having crushes on people at work. Like I I i'm worried about um I'm worried about my trajectory And I want to create a world where we desire one another I'm worried about my trajectory. And I want to create a world where we desire one another.

And we practice desire on a regular basis. I want you to know you're not crazy. I've been there. I don't know actually anybody that hasn't been there, male or female, quite honestly. Question is, what are you going to do? Are you going to do what the culture says And follow your feelings And they're going to lead you right off a cliff

Or are you going to remember I made a covenant I said till death do us part All my things are your things And all your things are my things And I'll spend the rest of my life Making sure your life is well And I hope you'll do the same for me. I think you should choose option two, but that's just me. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp.

October is the season for wearing costumes. And if you haven't started planning your costume, seriously, get on it. I'm pretty sure I'm going to go as Brad Pitt because we have the same upper body, but whatever. Look, it's costume season. And if we're being honest, a lot of us hide our true selves behind masks and costumes more often than we want to. We do this at work. We do this in social settings. We do this around our own families. We even do this with ourselves. I have been there multiple times in my life and it's the worst. If you feel like you're stuck hiding your true self behind costumes and masks, I want you to consider talking with a therapist. Therapy is a place where you can learn to accept all the parts of yourself, where you can be honest with yourself and where

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Alright, let's go to Parker in Memphis, Tennessee. What's up, Parker? John freaking Deloney. Parker freaking Parker. What's up, dude? I can't believe I'm talking to the best Is your last name Parker too?

Please say yes. Yes, this is the best podcast. Okay. Hold on, dude. I keep interrupting you. What'd you say? I said, I can't believe I'm talking to the best mental health expert on the best mental health podcast ever. Yes. Okay.

So real quick clarification. I'm not even close to the best mental health professional, but this is the best show, right? I'm not even the top 200, dude. Not top 2,000. I'm not very good. But we got a dope podcast. Alright, make sure you talk directly into your phone. Okay, so what's up? Life alright?

Yeah, life is good. I practiced that intro like 20 times. My phone cut out. Alright, do it again. I can't believe I'm talking to the greatest mental health expert on the greatest mental health podcast ever. Dude. So we established this earlier,

but I'll say it again. I'm not really good at being a mental health expert. I'm not very good, but this is the greatest show of all time ever. You did nail that one. Yeah. So what's up, Parker? How can I help? Hey, real quick quick what belts are you in jiu-jitsu oh dude i was trained by a

guy who did all his training in japan and then my other coach was from mainland china both of them believed that belts were for american kids to feel good about themselves and to pay. Anyway, they had a whole thing against belts. So no belts for me, dude. Oh, okay. Now. I've never heard that before. That's awesome. Well, I mean, it would be really cool if I had a belt hanging from,

but I would have been not very far along. I got you. I got you. Cool. But in my heart, super black belt, dude. No, 100%, man. Yes. So what's up?

Okay. So my question is, man, did I set my son up for a life of anxiety? Yes. I'll give you a backstory. Okay. When I was about 11 or 12, I had these big dreams of being in the UFC,

doing MMA and all that stuff. And, um, if I start rambling, just let me know and just interrupt me. Have you ever, have you ever listened to this show before? I have.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I ramble a lot. There you go. You're in good company. All right, go for it.

All right. So like all my life, I had these dreams of being this, uh, the next Conor McGregor or Michael Chandler or something like that. And, um, to be honest, I, I've done martial arts my whole life. And, um, I started to get distracted. I had a, I got a wife, uh, I got married and I had a kid. And when I had my first kid, I was like, I didn't really try hard enough to do this MMA thing, so I'm going to try it. And so I accumulated a record of like three and two, which is not amazing, but I had potential. And then I had a second kid. And around that time, I decided I was like, I don't think I need to get punched in the face all the time and not get paid for it.

So I decided to quit the pursuit of MMA. When that happened, I felt this hole in my heart where martial arts had been my whole life. I started filling that with alcohol. It was kind of like

a slow start. It was one, two drinks here or there and then it turned into every weekend and then it turned into like every time every you know every time i was awake i was either buzzed or had anxiety and um my now five-year-old he was you know he was in for all of that. And so I became, you know, very, I became like a ticking time bomb. I was, um, just always yelling, always screaming. I was kind of just like you said in your book, radioactive.

And, um, at the beginning of 2022, I decided to really, you know, get control of my life back. I lost about 40 pounds. I stopped drinking and really started, you know, working on myself so I can be better for my family. And then a couple of days ago, I was on TikTok. Robbins interview that with a neuroscientist that said, um, 80% of your, um, 80% of your childhood development starts at like between zero and five years old. And man, I almost dropped my phone. Cause I was like, I was such a, such a hothead, such a, such a radioactive person between his zero and five. And so my question to you is, did I set him up for a life of anxiety? And if I did, what can I do to help him navigate through this life?

Yeah, that's a great question, man. Thanks for telling that story. I wasn't rambling at all. I was really good, man. Okay, cool. And we track a lot. Some of my story is very similar I got into the reason I got into mixed martial arts initially was because I ran my mouth so much and I always

found myself every time I went out with my buddies every time I played a pickup basketball game and I had friends that were nuts and they loved fighting. And so I found myself a disconnect between how much I ran my mouth and what I knew deep down I was not capable of doing. And so I went, I began my journey there really to wallpaper over a very insecure little boy that had now suddenly found himself inside of a man's body. And my dreams, I never dreamed of being professional. I was never the thing. I liked going to the gym every night with, I think at one point the state kickboxing heavyweight champion was there, the light heavyweight champion was there,

just some killers, man. And then when China won the Olympics and they started running through San Shu fighters, it was, I mean, some of the craziest athletes in the world. And it was awesome. And I felt myself transition from this scared little boy who was trying to bow up and show everybody, oh yeah, yeah, yeah, to the most peaceful, calm guy I could possibly be.

And so I'm a firm believer. My kids are getting involved in it soon. Like I'm a firm believer in martial arts over the long haul because I think it takes some of that nonsense out of you. So the first thing I would ask you is, this is a private conversation for you and yourself. Was any of that dream, any of that lifelong journey in mixed martial arts and martial arts,

was any of that a way to run from something you thought you were not? It might not be. No, it wasn't. It wasn't? Okay. That's where I would start because that was for me. Here's a challenge scientists face. Many things can be true at the same time, and it's very hard to digest that in the public. And so while what Mel Robbins and the neuroscientists said is accurate,

an unfathomable amount of neurodevelopment happens from zero to five. Tons and tons and tons of, I mean, your brain is literally growing itself. You may have heard this, but really the first 18 months of a kid's life is really considered the third, I mean, the fourth trimester. You can't really have a trimester, but the brain's not done developing yet. Humans just have their babies early. And so all I have to say is that's true and genetic dispositions are true and none of that is causal. None of that is deterministic. That's also true. And what that means is when somebody is as loving and wise as you,

who's able to go, whoa, I don't like the set of train tracks I'm on. The beauty is, A, there's messages like that that get your attention. And B, there's light and hope in the next set of train tracks you put you and your family on yeah so i want you to sleep well at night now i'll be a totally honest with you if you keep going the same way you've been going absolutely your kid's going to reflect your um angst your rage it being uh the child of an alcoholic is evil dude because you're there in per in body but you're not there in person in spirit um and a kid feels lost right so all that's true you do nothing yes so i'm gonna tell you what just happened at my house okay this is me just being

vulnerable with you yeah um i and it's it's it's a shameful thing for me because i do this for a living okay and it's so cool to talk it's a shameful thing for me because I do this for a living. Okay. And it's so cool to talk to people about their parents and their marriage and their kids and all that. And then I got parents and I'm married and I got kids. And so I get to live at home and see if this actually works or not. So, um, I had a really gnarly interaction with my daughter. She just, I'm probably gonna get choked up here. Um, I, she, she wouldn't let me tuck her in at night. She just, I'm probably gonna get choked up here.

She wouldn't let me tuck her in at night. She just said no. And to the point that she was screaming and crying, like it was a big mess. At first, I was just trying to give my wife a night off or two nights off or three nights off. And then I was like, hey, I just want to hug my daughter. And she's seven. She wouldn't do it.

And then it became like after breakfast and before she went to school, they can have a hug for you to school and she would just look at me and walk away and then my inner texas male was like that's disrespectful and i'm this and you need to like i'm your father like that all that stuff right and i called a buddy of mine that's a counselor and she gave me some good wisdom and then my wife said something that was really powerful and it reminded me back of a Gabor Mate book that I read and it's I think one of the most important

books ever written about parenting it's called Hold On To Your Kids but here's what he says be likable be likable, be likable. And maybe your seven-year-old little girl doesn't not like her dad. In fact, she loves him deeply, but she feels that energy pulsing out of you. And suddenly I wrote about it in the book. I realized, oh crap, I've become old me again. I'm a nuclear reactor. I'm always hot. I'm always coming in late. I'm always flying around the place. I'm always just right on edge,

right on edge, right on edge. And I'm going to tell you this, dude. And at the same time, I had a boss, someone I work with, tell me that I'm really hard to be friends with. Not because I'm not a nice guy. I tell the truth, all that that i'm just a lot i just overwhelm people um all the time so then i did something that the texas male in me never thought would happen and i decided i'm going to try to be really likable and what that meant was i had to be very peaceful and what that meant was i had to start just changing the way i experienced the world the way i thought about things what i did did, what I ate, how much I slept, all that stuff. This morning, my wife had to peel my daughter off of me because we were having a hug-off competition.

So I want you to have peace in your soul. It can change. What you're going to want to do is come up with a program or what are the 10 steps to, and I don't think that's the map back to a kid's heart, to a non-anxious kid. What you're going to have to do is decide, I want to have a non-anxious life. I want to have a non-anxious house. That means we got to own reality. That means we got to choose freedom. We're not going to owe people money. We're not going to be like, you're going to set yourself up in a position

over the next three to five years where you can quit at any time. A job, if you've got a toxic boss or somebody asking you to do something you don't want to do, you're going to take care of your body. Y'all are going to get connected to something bigger than yourself.

You're going to practice mindfulness. You're going to create a non-anxious life for yourself. And your kids will become that i believe that with all my heart yeah that's that's what i've been working on this year or this on 2022 is you know trying to my best to live a non-anxious life it's it's difficult it's real hard it's real hard okay and i know that um i want to challenge you on a couple of things. Okay. I'm going to give you a couple of things I want you to try with your kid. And I'm going to challenge you on a couple of things and I'm going to give you some tools. I'll put my money where my mouth

is. Okay. I want you with your five-year-old to start a journal with him on his bed. Just go to Walgreens and buy like a crappy spiral. And it might be a picture of daddy smiling and with an over. I want you to draw like an over. Like the smile extra big. No. It might be like a heart and just put it on his pillow.

And his job is to write to you before he goes to school the next day. And color in it or whatever that looks like. I want you to start that practice the second one is man really practice just being around them let them know that you like them every moment is not a teaching moment every second is not a life lesson everything is not like uh hey you need to pick this up why are you doing like that you need to dry off why are you doing that are you gonna wear deodorant like he's only five i know

yeah um it's like just like being around your kid yes there's some things you got to tell him to do but if you get angry which you will if you don't get angry you should probably go see a psychiatrist because that's not normal um yeah i want you to take a knee and look your kid in the eye and say i'm choosing anger right now. And this is not about you. And I'm sorry if I scared you. I'm not sorry that I'm angry, but I'm sorry that I scared you. But daddy's not angry at you.

Okay. I want you to teach him there's a difference between your anger and him. Okay. Touch him on his face every single day. Hold his face if you can. I told my kid when he was really little, I'm going to hug you every day of your life. And it's going to be weird. Sorry, but not sorry.

Yeah. Okay. Um, maybe a secret breakfast date. Does he go to school yet? Yeah, he's in pre-K. So he gets off usually like 11 or so. If y'all had like a i take my son to waffle house once a week and it's become magic time because it'll be nothing nothing nothing

nothing nothing and then suddenly he's like hey dad can we talk about something and i've created a world where that's okay because it happens regularly right here's what i'm gonna do for you i'm gonna send you um a couple of things. I'm going to send you the full Financial Peace University. I work here at Ramsey Solutions to help you and your family get out of debt. Any money you owe anybody else, we're going to walk,

I'm going to give you the plan to get out of debt. It's helped millions of people do it. I'm going to give it to you for free. Okay? Wow, man. You got to watch your lessons and you got to do it. Is that fair?

Sure. Okay. Also, I'm going to send you my buddy, Lane Norton's Carbon app. I get no money from this. It's the app I use to keep track of my diet and nutrition, and it's the best there is. Okay? Also, I'm going to send you the newest workout from my buddies over at Mind Pump. It's their MAPS anabolic program advanced. Okay? You got to get your butt back in the gym. Cool?

Yes, sir. And I think a great gift you could give your kid is to start going back to jujitsu classes and not doing it because I'm going to be Conor McGregor, but doing it because I want to be able to roll around with my grandkids when I'm 90. Oh, yeah. And I have been.

Cool. We've been in a weird season of life where we're in the middle of a house renovation. So that's eating up all of our time. But yeah, I've been in the gym quite a bit. Good. Well, I'm going to send you some stuff, okay? And hang on the line here and Jenna's going to get it to you.

These things I'm telling you, taking care of your body, taking care of your nutrition, taking care of your finances, taking care of your calendar, taking care of you, your marriage, all those things, dude, create a non-anxious household. And it lets your little boys and your second kid know, come what may, in here, I'm safe. And with that guy, I'm safe. So everybody listen and hear me. Yes, much, much, much of your neurodevelopment happens from zero to five. I think that's probably accurate. And neuroplasticity is a thing that will last with you through your lifetime.

So it's never too late to reconnect with your kids. It's never too late to reconnect with your spouse. It's never too late to reconnect with your friends. It's never too late to reconnect with your spouse. It's never too late to reconnect with your friends. It's never too late to reconnect with yourself. You can always get off the train tracks that you're on. And if you have to, just start walking another direction. But you can get on another set of train tracks and head off into adventures unknown.

You can always start again. Thanks for your call, my brother. We'll be right back. All right, we're back. Let's go to Marie in H-Town. What's up, Marie? A whole lot, but I'm hoping you can kind of untangle it. Let's do it.

Just drop the big ball of yarn here right on the desk. Let's untangle it. So I have two big issues, but it's an overarching question. So hopefully you can help me with that. How do I get my partner to grow up? So a little background. My first issue. Is this my wife?

No. All right, go ahead. First issue. Is this my wife? No. Alright, go ahead. First issue. So the first issue is he is in his 30s and he does not have a driver's license. How long have you been his mom? Well, we have been together since

about 2018, so that long. Gross. You kiss your son? I i know okay okay so he all these years like especially um we have a kid together we had um we had our son in 2019 while i was pregnant i kept telling him i really need you to get your driver's license because i can't be the only parent taking him to daycare, to doctor's appointments. And he said, yeah, yeah, I'll do it. I'll do it. And he's been saying, oh, yeah, I'll get my driver's license all these years. And I just, you know, and then.

Have you ever played Texas Hold'em? No. Okay. It's like a, it's a poker game. Yeah. And at some point, somebody says, I call. And what that means is everybody has to show their cards to see who wins. And every time you make these demands, he's like, I call, and you do nothing.

Yeah, I know. demands he's like i call and you do nothing yeah i know you stole them like his mommy and then y'all make out and then he's like his life just goes back the way it was ta-da right why in the world why in the world and i'm i'm saying this seriously i have a smell on my face yeah why would he get a driver's license? You do everything. I know. And you have sex with him. There's no reason for him to do anything. Yes, I know. He doesn't have a job either, does he?

No, he does have a job. Oh, he does? Okay. Yeah, that brings me to a third issue, but I wasn't going to discuss that. Bring them. Let's do it all. All right. So the second issue is, one of the issues actually wasn't the issue that

i did bring it up in my email um i didn't read you i didn't see your email so just i know no i was just i'm just trying to remember my email to help me be on track okay um but the other issue is we have you know we have a four-year-old, and he has extra needs. He is severely autistic, nonverbal, very sensory-seeking. He has a lot. And my partner works an overnight job. He has to get a new job. Yeah, I've tried.

I've tried talking to him about this, but it won't work with my... He has a second job coaching jujitsu. Yeah, that's got to stop. Everything's got to stop. I know. I don't know how to fix it. Okay. Before I start talking, and I hate going into these waters because these waters are uncomfortable, okay?

And I've been laughing, having fun with you and all that, but I know this is very serious, okay? Yeah. Before I get into the hard part of this call, um, do you still like him? I do like, it's okay if you don't, it's okay if you don't know, I do like him. I enjoy our conversations. And, uh, whenever I think of leaving, I just think, Oh my gosh, I'm going to hurt him so bad because he's not a bad guy. Okay. That's, you are sacrificing yourself on the altar of him. Yes.

And you're sacrificing your little boy on the altar of him. Yeah. So I'm asking you, do you still like him? Or maybe you love him, but you're so enraged because this isn't how it's supposed to be. I care about his feelings. He doesn't care about yours. It feels like that. No, I'm telling you.

I'm telling you. I hope that he does come around to care about yours one day. It feels like that. No, I'm telling you. I'm telling you. I hope that he does come around to care about yours one day. But the fact that he still goes to a hobby and has figured out a way for the hobby to give him a little money so that he can call it a side job. The fact that he has not looked at the reality of your world. He has a nonverbal son. That's a very challenging world.

It's challenging because there's nothing more important to a mom and dad to have that little kid say I love you. And you haven't had that yet. No. And it's devastating. And he hadn't had it yet either. I know he loves me though. I know my son loves me though. Oh, 100%.

Absolutely. Absolutely. But there's a reality to it That most people when they hear nonverbal They don't understand It's not the way it's supposed to It hurts And some people lean way in And some people run from that And I'm not saying it's the cause

Sounds like you've married a child But all that to say is this You care deeply about not hurting him. I would almost be willing to bet you care about not hurting him because it makes you look bad. No?

I don't think so. Okay. Because, I mean, I've... There's not a way... There's not a way you can save yourself and him not have to change. And when grown women are married to little boys, change feels like the end of time. The whole world's coming down

because they've gotten their way their whole life. And so what you have, here's the thing. Would you ever leave him? I was actually strongly considering it. Our lease is up in June and my mom and my sister, those are the two that I actually, only two people I can really talk to about this. They both said, just leave, just leave.

And, you know, we'll do whatever we can to help you. And, and so I've been strongly considering leaving, um, when the lease is up and, but I don't know how, and I don't know how to break that to him. Cause whenever I've mentioned these things, he turns it, he tries, he kind of turns it around on me. Like I'm somehow wrong or I'm, um, you know, like I'm, I'm overreacting to something like a, there's a, there's an additional piece to the driver's license thing and you're going to, and you're going to hit me. I already know. I won't hit you. I'm not that tough.

Tell me. So he actually bought a car before we got together. He bought it cash from his friend's mom. Oh, God. And then he never registered it. And he couldn't because he didn't have a driver's license. And then fast forward, my car was in the shop. I needed to, I needed something to drive.

So I said, I'll just drive your car. Except I had to go register it, but I couldn't, um, he couldn't register it because he didn't have a license. So I registered it under my name and his name. And because I'm the only licensed driver, I put insurance on it because I couldn't register it otherwise. And so now, you know, my, my car is fixed and he's driving around this car without a driver's license using my insurance. And my insurance already told me they wouldn't cover if there was an accident. And we're in an area where there are a lot of accidents all the time.

And he says, well, I'm a safe driver and you know, I won't get in an accident. I said, I'm not worried about your driving. I'm worried about the other people. I'm worried about the other people crashing into you. And then my insurance won't cover anything. And then he says, no, I'll just pay for it. It's like, no, you can't even pay the $75 a week for your half of the daycare. How are you going to pay? Okay, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. This whole thing is a mess.

It is a mess. Okay, whole thing's a mess. It is a mess. Okay. Whole thing's a mess. As I said at the beginning. Listen to me carefully. And what I'm going to say is I would not say this in an abusive situation, but I'm saying this to you, okay? So I don't want everyone who's married and is in a messy situation to extrapolate their, what I'm about to say to you, to their world. I'm just saying this to you.

You are getting the world you allow. I know. Okay. And here's what I want to communicate. I think things are funny that my wife does not think is funny. And I also have a couple of tics, not like the bugs, but yeah i have some like vocal ticks and for whatever reason whenever there's a sound i instantly mimic it so if there's like a thing in the drawer and

it goes i'll just be across the house and i'll be like and it just comes out i don't know why i wish it didn't but it so for the first x number of years my wife was always saying stop or what and then she had a realization she's just making herself tired and miserable this is the guy i married and i love him he's hilarious i wish he wouldn't make that joke at the dinner table but most of the time he's awesome and i think it's weird that he makes those noises but now i think it's endearing because see what i'm saying so if you're not gonna leave and you love this guy stop carrying it around because you're comparing your life to him you're frustrated and it's just adding to the already really difficult

challenge you have of being a working mother with a autistic son, severely autistic son, and a husband that y'all are still splitting bills with. Again, very— We're not legally married. That's the thing. We're not legally married. We just live together. Oh, my gosh. Lead with that, Marie.

Move out. What are you doing? Move out. Because the lease isn't up until July. Cool. What's your soul worth worth what's your sanity worth um is it worth a couple months rent i wasn't if i wasn't so dang poor then okay all right then um that's why i said if i just hold out until july but i don't know how to... One, I wanted to see if I could get it through to him to just grow up.

Hey, listen. He's not on the phone. He's not on the phone. Talking about him is not a good use of our time. Okay. I can only talk about you. And so, two, how do I tell that to him? You probably...

Without there being a whole lot of crying. Zero. Get that out of your world. There will being a whole lot of crying. Zero. Get that out of your world. There will be a whole lot of crying. Period. There'll be a lot of heartbreak, a lot of the same way he's always reacted, he's going to do that again. Times more.

That's really scary to me. If you're not safe, you need to leave. Now. He has never laid his hands on me. So I'm physically safe i don't believe you he's never laid his hands on me he's gotten pretty damn close hadn't he no he just yells a lot and but the thing is we only fight like every once every six months marie um the last the last time was about four months ago. Marie.

And what? Why? I don't know. I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't know how to, I don't know. There's nothing wrong with you. Obviously, obviously there is because it's so cut and dry when I look at it from the outside. I know. You can hear yourself talking. Listen, Marie, you have a picture of what you wanted this thing to look like. Yes. And I thought when I had two kids, it was going to look like this and I was going to have a partner that was in it with me. We were going to live here. We're going to go to Astros games. We're going to do all this stuff. And it's not. you can choose reality and live out of that reality instead of this fantasy that you're killing yourself duct taping together with tape and string and wire and wood. You're doing whatever you can to keep this thing patched up. You got to choose reality. And I'm not even, I even think

y'all can salvage this. He's going to have to make some very significant changes. What I often find in this exact moment is you have yelled at him. You have made demands in the middle of fights. You've never sat down over a meal with a typed out piece of paper and said, here's what I need. And if you are choosing to not help me meet these needs, you are choosing for us to be over. I hope you don't make that choice, but that choice is yours to make. And then when the conversation starts,

oh, you're just, cool, old Marie, you're right. This is new Marie. And this is from this day forward. I got to have help with my kid. And I know that I'm asking you to get a new job in the daytime. I am. And I'm asking you to get up in the morning and help with diapers or breakfast

or whatever you need help with and dropping off at school and be a part of his life and go get your own parental ABA training so that you know how to deal with a kid who's severely autistic because it's hard. And he's probably not going to do it. He has no incentive to.

Right. And I go back to the original thing, like why in the world would he do anything differently than what he's doing? Why would he get a driver's license? He has a car. But right now, right this moment, you can get off the phone and call the insurance company and cancel the insurance. But how do I get my name off of the registration then? Because I, and that's the best thing.

Get the car on Craigslist. It's your car. I know. I've thought about that. I've told him that too. And then he called me greedy. And I said, but I'm the one who is paying

for all the stuff on this car. You don't even have a license. And then he called me greedy. And he also called me greedy when I asked for, you know, for his half of the daycare. He's employed full time. I'm employed part time while I'm in school. He's employed full-time.

I'm employed part-time while I'm in school. I can't afford to pay. Why would he give you money? Why? Because that was our agreement, and it had been going like that until August. And then he called your bluff. Well, he had been paying, and then August happened,

and I don't know what happened in August, but, oh, the daycare costs went up up and then suddenly he couldn't afford it it's like yeah because i can you make twice as much as i do how do you not afford it and then the day just goes on yeah i'm heartbroken for you marie, because I know you're trapped. I know it feels like you're trapped. You're not trapped, but it feels like you are. And I get that.

And I also think you love this guy. You probably don't like him, but I think you love this guy. Or you love the idea of him and what y'all could have had together. What y'all might still have together. But I also hear an exhausted mother of a special needs kid and an exhausted mother who's trying to go to school and to work. And he's tired of also carrying a third kid that's now got a missile that he's unlicensed to be driving hauling around Houston, Texas, which does not have a bunch of great drivers in it. No, no.

There's where I grew up. There's like two to three accidents right outside of our neighborhood every day. All of that is a proxy for one thing. Is Maria going to care about... Is Marie going to care

about Marie the way she's trying to care for everybody else? And until you get there, you're just going to walk around frustrated because nobody's going to change because there's no reason to change. You're not going to leave. You're going to figure out how to get a couple of more shifts and pay for it. You're going to end up getting done with school and making a bunch of money. You're going to take care of the kids. Nothing's going to change. I know. And that's so awful to me. That's why I called. I hate that it feels like nothing is going to change. And I don't, that's why I thought, how do I change it? Just one way. Take that first. No, I don't,

I don't think that's the first step. I think the first step is doing whatever you can. It's the same as I do with my kid. Just like I said it earlier. Okay. Just like I said earlier, here is what I need. I need a partner that wakes up with me in the morning and helps with the kid. I need a partner who helps with bedtime. I need a partner who will get trained and help me out. I need someone who has a plan for, are we going to get married or not? Someone who, because I want to get married so that we can create a long-term safe life together

that I don't know you're not just going to take off on. Just all in all and all in all. I need someone sometimes I need to leave and go be with my friends because I'm working like crazy. All of those things, you got to spend some time with you writing down, here's what I need.

And these are different than wants. Here's what I need. And then he gets to choose. Are you in or are you out? You've got to come up with your or what statement. I will never tell somebody to leave unless they're being abused, okay? You've got to come up with your or what statement. I will never tell somebody to leave unless they're being abused. Okay. You've got to come up with your or what statement and you've got to own the weight of it, Marie. I won't take that from you. If he doesn't do these things or

what, what are you going to do? And that's the cross you have to bear. If you want to stay, I'll be here and I'll talk you through it. If you want to go, I'll be here and I'll talk you through it. But he's got no incentive to change. Zero. None. Because you're carrying everything. As someone who spent her whole life being a peacekeeper, making sure everybody else's needs were taken care of and everybody else was happy, and everybody else liked you. My hope and prayer for you is at some

point you say, I'm worthy of that same love. It has to start with me. You're worth being well, Marie. We'll be right back. to get rid of your anxious feelings, and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life. Get your copy today at johndeloney.com. All right, as we wrap up today's show, man, this band is named after something that Kelly doesn't have. The band's called Heart, and the song is Magic Man.

It goes like this. Cold late night so long ago when I was not so strong, you know, a pretty man came to me, never seen eyes so blue. You know, I could not run away. It seemed we'd seen each other in a dream. It seemed like he knew me. He looked right through me. Yeah. Try to understand. I'm a magic man. Listen, if anyone tells you in a bar they're a magic man, run. Run. God almighty. See you soon. Love y'all.