The Dr. John Delony Show - I Just Found Out I Have a 27-Year-Old Daughter

Episode Date: June 4, 2025

On today’s episode, we hear about: ·       A man who just found out he has an adult daughter ·       A woman trying to evaluate her first relationship after getting divorced ·  ��    A couple undecided about if they should let an estranged family member back into their life Next Steps: 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test  📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future  ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards  💭 John's Free Guided Meditation  🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch    Connect With Our Sponsors: 🌱 Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. 🔴 Get 15% off with code DELONY at Bon Charge. 🌿 Get up to 40% off with code DELONY at Cozy Earth.   🔒 Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe.  😇 Go to Hallow for a 90-day free trial.  💤 Visit Helix Sleep for special offers!  🥤 Get 20% off with code DELONY at Organifi.   💪 Get 25% off your order at Thorne.    🏋️ Go to Trainwell to get started!   Explore More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights   🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💡 The Rachel Cruze Show 💰 George Kamel 🪑 Front Row Seat with Ken Coleman 📈 EntreLeadership   Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Big news! New dates for money and marriage getaway just dropped for Valentine's Day weekend 2026. Get tickets at ramsysolutions.com events to get away with your spouse in Nashville, Tennessee. Well, I recently found out through a family member who got to digging in the Well, I recently found out through a family member who got to digging in the ancestries and 23andMe and stuff like that that I have a 28 year old daughter that I've never met. Oh my goodness. You had no idea?

No idea. Wow. Wow. What a blabbers. Yo, what's up? What's up? This is John with the Dr. John Delaney Show, taking your calls on your relationships. Yo, what's up? What's up?

This is John with the Dr. John Delaney Show, taking your calls on your relationships, your mental and emotional health. I'm so glad that you're here. Real people going through real challenges all over the globe. Let's roll out to Tuscaloosa, Alabama and talk to Mark. What's up, Mark? Hello, Dr. John. How are you? I'm doing all right, my brother. What's up, Mark? Hello, Dr. John. How are you?

I'm doing all right. My brother, how's things going? I'm just living the dream. How about you? Anytime somebody says they're living the dream, they're for a hundred percent not living the dream. It's fantastic. You guys still struggling after the big, well, we won't talk about college football, but all right. So what's going on? Uh, well, I recently found out through a family member who got to digging in the ancestries and 23 and me and stuff like that. That, uh, I have a 28 year old daughter that I've never met. Oh my goodness.

You had no idea. No idea. No. No idea. No, and, uh, one of my family members has met her and talked to her and, um, and she does not want to meet me at this moment. And, um, and maybe never where I'm, I was just wondering how, you know, my, my get through this if she does it.

Cause you know, I really hate the thought of anybody in the world. Hate me. You know, we're not liking me. So yeah, kind of a struggle. Wow. Who's the mother? Uh, just one of those, uh, 1920 year ago, one night stand in quick things you know. Huh.

Man. So how old is this youngin? 20 years old? 28. So was it 19 or 20 years ago? Was it 28 years ago? Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. I'm just. Oh okay. I got you. 29 years ago. Okay. Yeah Do you have do you have biological kids? Yes. Okay. What are you feeling right now? Well, you know my regular life I feel pretty good I have nothing, you know, nothing to complain about that But you know just thought of somebody, you know thinking that I might be a bad person

and not want everything to do with me because something somebody else might have said to them. So I wouldn't wanna meet you if that's what your concern was. Okay. And here's what I mean by that. Because you would be needing me to make you feel better Thanks, if you told me I have a daughter and

My heart just expanded It did I promise you I want to meet this person. I want to look in her eyes I want to see what she looks like. I want to know this person. I want to look in her eyes. I want to see what she looks like I want to know all about her life. I didn't expect this and here we are and I missed 30 years I got a lot of catching up to do Then I would be all about that Well, I do because when I found out, you know, I felt like there was a piece something missing for years and And I felt it but I didn't know what it was and as soon as I found out I promised

you I felt it. Have you reached out to her? No I haven't. I don't know how to. Your family member won't give you the contact info? Not at the moment no. Why? I don't know.

That's stupid. But you know I've done some digging and talked to other people. I do know where she's at, but I don't want to feel like, I don't want to know. Listen, bro. The stalker-ish thing. You're her dad. Just reach out to somebody out of nowhere, you know, hey, I'm your dad. Yes, yes, yes.

Get away from me. Well, give her, at least give her the chance to say that. Okay, she's like, I should do that. Are you kidding me? Yes. And I would do it gently because this is probably a huge, clearly is a huge. Okay, number one, I don't fully believe your family member.

You don't believe that? I don't believe your family member You don't believe that I don't believe they told me I What kind of scummy family member wouldn't tell you? Hey, here's how to get a hold of your daughter that you didn't know you had What a control freak of a jerk that's lame man, I got that I'm mad on your behalf That's lame, man. I'm mad on your behalf. That's number one, but forget all that. Maybe let's pretend this family member is telling the 100% truth. Yes. It doesn't matter.

You know how to use the internet. You know how to call somebody, hire somebody for crying out loud. You have a daughter out there. Yes, I do. I'm actually, I don't know where she's at. Okay. Here's what I would say. I've looked. I would start with a letter.

And I would be- But I do not have an address to send it to. I think you're delivering it to a front door, dude. Or I don't know exactly where she lives. Okay, then hire a private investigator. Within 24 hours, you'll have all that information. It's gonna cost you $1,500. Okay, so you don't thank us?

You believe I need to reach out and not be scared to do it? Bro, this is your daughter. But if you go in there and say, hey, I just, the thought of you being mad at me, I just couldn't live with myself, then I wouldn't even acknowledge the letter. Right.

If you sent a letter that said, I just found out the wildest, most amazing news. I have a daughter that I haven't met for 30 years and I didn't even know you were here. We found out through 23andMe. I'm stunned as you probably are. I don't know what stories you've heard about me. Here's about my life. I feel like another chamber in my heart just opened up

and I got a little feel like I got a lot of catching up to do but I also realized this throws a huge grenade in your life. Here's my contact info. Here's my cell phone number. I don't know how to do this right because I've never had this happen. So I don't want to smother you. I don't want, you see what I'm saying?

Right, man, that's another thing. I just don't know how to do it. Lead with that. There's not a roadmap for how do you say hello to a 30 year old child of yours that you didn't even know you had because you had a one night stand and your partner that you had a one night stand with

just didn't tell you? Right. And I would put clear in the letter, not trying to see YA already, but put in the letter, I had zero knowledge that you were around. And I would even go, if you can go back to the date, I had a one night stand. Oh, I know the date. I know where it happened. I put that in there. I had a one night stand and I've come to find out 30 years later that I've got a baby girl and my front door is wide open Okay, and I also realize you're have you have your own life and if you don't want to talk to me I understand I'll be heartbroken, but I want to honor and respect you

Well, that's what I needed to hear I just made it a little push because What are you nervous about man man man I'm always nervous about everything how come and I worry my whole life are you nervous with your own kids oh sometimes okay it's okay to be nervous about stuff and be anxious about stuff. I'm that way. But if you need to today, Mark, do me a favor. How old are your kids?

Well, I've got a 22 year old son and another daughter of his, 27. Okay. Call them today and say, hey, your old man's nervous. I'm kind of an anxious guy, but there's one thing I'm not anxious about and that's how much I love you. Oh, I tell them all the time how much I love them. They have no doubt how much I love them and my grandkids and... Do they know about this other person? Yes, they do know.

What'd they say? They're tickled. Yeah. They didn't say, dang dad, getting around back in the day. Well, that's what my wife said. Yeah, I'm just telling you, man, go storm the gates for that, for your daughter. Well, that's what I made you to hear. Thank you.

Yeah, you betcha. Hey, will you do me a favor? If she reaches back out, will you holler and let us know? I sure will. Thank you. Let us know how it ends. And, um, if you're on the other end out here somewhere and somebody knocks on your door, sends you a letter and says, I don't know how to tell you this, but I'm your sibling, I'm your dad.

That blows up your life. I know, but consider reaching back out. This world needs more coming back together than it does anymore. Blowing up things and moving further apart. When we come back we're gonna hear from a woman who's wondering if she's in a relationship that's real or if it's just a booty call. I've been on board with the benefits of red light therapy for a long time, and that's why I'm super jazzed to tell you about Bon Charge.

Our lives are lived almost entirely inside, under the crazy glow of fluorescent lights and in front of little screens and medium sized screens and big screens. All this stuff affects our mood, our sleep, our anxiety, and the studies show it. And this is why I love Bond Charge. Bond Charge is a world leader in red light therapy and EMF blocking gear. I use their red light therapies every single day. Red light therapy can help boost your mood,

reduce stress, and help with sleep. I use my red light therapy panels, the infrared sauna blanket, my EMF mat. I use all of it. And listen, if your skin looks tired, check out Bond Charge's red light therapy panels, the infrared sauna blanket, my EMF mat, I use all of it. And listen, if your skin looks tired, check out BondCharge's Red Light Mask for skin recovery, collagen production, and improved blood flow. I got the mask and I'm looking beautiful!

Just wear it 10 minutes a few times a week for fresher skin easily. No creams, no appointments, it's lightweight and it's cordless. Go to bondcharge.com slash deloney and use coupon code deloney to say 15%. That's B-O-N-C-H-A-R-G-E bondcharge.com slash deloney and use coupon code deloney to say 15%. Alright, let's talk about digital privacy and delete me. Does anyone else feel like your digital footprint is starting to feel like a digital trail leading right back to you? Now scammers are using phishing attacks, that's phishing with a pH, where they're trying to trick you into giving them something by pretending to know you and be looking out for you.

You get an email, a text, or a phone call and the person or AI bot on the other end sounds like someone who's looking out for you and wants to be your friend. Listen, with the new technological advancements, no one is really safe. What is any of us to do? Start controlling what you can. Listen, you can learn about how to be careful online and offline and sign up with Delete Me. I use and recommend Delete Me because they work in the background to reduce my online presence. This way I don't have to worry about creepy data brokers buying and selling my data to try to trick me to give them more and more of my personal information. Delete Me has

reviewed over tens of thousands of sites for me and they've removed my data from hundreds of them which has saved me countless hours and a ton of stress. Stop the phishing attacks, the harassment and the other online threats before they start and take control of your digital privacy with DeleteMe. Go to joindeleteeme.com slash deloney today for 20% off the annual plan and that comes out to less than 9 bucks a month. That's joindeleteeme.com slash deloney. Cordelaine, let's talk to Lee.

What's up, Lee? Hey, John. I'm super, super excited to be talking to you. I'm excited to talk to you. What's going on? Well, before I get to the question, I do want to put a shout out there. You've been walking with me for the last two years as I navigated a divorce after 27 years and my sister turned me on to your show. So I just want to say thank you.

Thanks for being with us. Sorry about your divorce. Well, you know, I'm a better me now. Awesome. Awesome. But I wanted to you especially wanted to let your listeners know when you talk about treating it like a business transaction. And when you talk about not talking bad about your ex to your kids, it you're 100% accurate. And so on this side of things, having done it that way, I don't have any messes to clean

up. I have a great relationship with my kids. I've lost 80 pounds and I'm in some of the best physical and mental well-being of my life at almost 50, well, 50 years old as of yesterday. Lee, you're a gangster, dude. It's all due to you guys helping out. But my question is- Hey, if you keep getting older, you're going to be as old as Kelly one day.

God. Well, you know, it's not a bad thing. I'm excited to be 50. I've been running around with fabulously 50 on my car. That's amazing. All right. So how can I help? What's up?

Well, I kind of dipped my toe into the dating pool about six months ago using an app, which was good and bad. And it was an incredible six months and I feel like I wouldn't trade it for the world. I would, I grew a lot. But I found that when we had our times together, we shared weekends together. It was incredible. It was incredible. It was peaceful. There was great conversation, all of that.

But then the in-between times, he would go completely silent. And I know you talk a lot about behavior being a language, and it just got to the place where after 30 days of not hearing at all from him, I decided to call it. And that was very hard. And I'm about a week out grieving all of that. But I just been struggling with, a woman at my age, I feel great where I am in my own life, but I want to share life with someone and it's not easy to know how to do that.

Yeah. So, wait a minute, Lee, you said you dipped your your toe in it sounded like you went all into it. It's great Okay, so what was it like being with somebody new after being with somebody for 27 years well Totally different than what I was used to He smelled so good and I know that sounds weird, but he did. I was married to a car guy. And so just, yeah, he totally different personality. He's very calm and secure in his life.

He was 12 years older than me, which was also kind of weird. But. So is he still married? This the guy that I dated uh-huh no, what was he doing during the week? Where he wanted to avoid you I? Don't know I really don't we lived about 45 minutes apart, so

He's a monitor on a school bus just as a way to hang on to benefits until he can retire from a very good job. He's very secure financially, everything's paid for and he has a good retirement account. So everything that, you know, on paper you look for, especially later in life. And, but I don't know. I don't know why he went quiet.

It could be that I was too much for him. It could be that he wasn't really ready to commit to anything, I don't know. He committed to some pretty wild weekends with you. Little key, but yes. Yeah, I mean, all we ever did was just kind of hang out together and watch TV and enjoy each other emotionally and physically. Eww. Eww.

I know. That was healing for me though, because I honestly thought I was broken for a really long time. No, I know, I know, I know. So let me circle all the way back. What's your question? I guess I struggle with, I know it sounds weird,

but I struggle with putting myself out there. I love people and I love meeting people. And I have no problem on a casual level, just like the girls at my coffee shop, they all know me and I know them and all of that. But to take it to another level, other than using the dating app, I really would like to try something different. And I just don't know where to do that. I think, wait, go ahead. I did see, I feel childish even just asking the question, but- Okay, why?

Probably because I grew up in a religious culture that you did not date unless you absolutely planned on getting married and you didn't do that till you were at least were out of high school and okay you're 50 let's just call that I know let's just call it okay you're free yeah you're free and but I don't know how I know you don't know how and in a over sexed dating culture, that's just gone insane, you're gonna get yourself hurt. And you know that.

Yes, yes. And so there's a balance between like, some guy has to call your dad and court you or whatever that wildness is and whatever. And has to come over to your house in a covered wagon with a staff and be like, I knock three times for four goats or what I don't know what happens. Like there's that and then there's like 50 year old Lee like out here on Broadway in Nashville in a pedal tavern all by yourself in boots and like

short jeans shorts just going I'm fabulous in 50 and you're just rocking it on to the break of dawn. There's a balance there too, right? Yes. And so I think, and can we just, can I like be super direct? Yes. You kind of just got your heart broken. I did.

You did. And so trying to fab 50 over that, that sucks. Yeah. You had a picture of, I'm gonna be careful this time and I know what I'm looking for and I'm going to date carefully. And he ended up hooking up with Dan, the bus driver, and you became a weekend booty call. And you're like, no, he has a retirement account. Yeah.

And then he just ghosted you all week until he wanted some weakened, what'd you call it, emotional and physical, ugh. He smelled nice. Right? Okay, so here's the thing. Here's what I want you to do. A, don't pretend that your way of navigating the world, which is kindness, laughter, and what's the right word, bubbliness, that is both your way of navigating the world and

that's both your way of protecting yourself from the world. Fair? Yes, very fair. You smile and things away, right? Yeah, I have a tendency to put everyone else's needs first. That's right. And that's why I would love to hang out with you. Because you're awesome. And I would leave feeling better about myself, which is cool. Right? It's both and. So I don't want you to pretend that your outgoingness and your kindness and your fun with the people

at the coffee shop is the same thing as letting your heart get trampled by some guy for a quarter of a century. And then you decide to put yourself back out there. Those are two different things. Okay. Okay. Okay. I want you to protect your heart with the seriousness that it deserves. And how do we do that? We're going to start with what are non-negotiables for me.

And burning down your childhood will not give you peace. No. And I recognize that, yeah. Looking at your childhood and saying this, some of the stuff was nonsensical, some of the stuff was idiotic, and some of the stuff I actually buy into now. I agree with it. And so saying, here's going to be my rules about sex, here's going to be my rules about dating, if you don't call me in three days, I'm moving on.

And I get to move on because I've been in unsafe relationships for a long time and I'm not doing that again. And I get to have my heart broken and I get to be sad and and and. Does that make sense? It does. It does and I've recognized a lot of that. I really kind of deconstructed the way that I was raised and brought it down to kind of the foundations of what I want to hold on to and what I want to let go of. Perfect. And then I guess one big thing I've heard at least, I wish it wasn't this way, but it still is, is that like the rules are all different now. Oh man, they are. They're just all different. And so it might be that you got to ask somebody out if you see them and like them. Yeah, it's kind of terrifying. I love, love, love that you're getting off the apps.

I think they're catastrophic. I think they're such a disaster. But also then you're like, okay, what am I supposed to do? Just ask a stranger out in the coffee shop? Yes. Or where do you work? Do you work, Lee? I do.

I've been a massage therapist for the last 16 years. Okay, don't ask anybody at work at all. No, no, no, it's unethical. Now I'm the director of education for a massage school. Okay. So is there a possibility to meet somebody at work? No. Not at all?

Not at this school. Okay, not at this school. You answered that quickly, so I trust you. It's putting yourself in positions, whether it's at a local church, whether it's at the YMCA, whether it's at your local coffee shop, whether it's at your office, it places where you can meet people and you can have a joint interest and you can say, hey, let's go get coffee. And I've been looking at things like cooking classes and different things that I think

would be a lot of fun. I just am a little limited in my area. It's a pretty small town. So go do it all. Yeah. And don't do it for, do it for Lee. Don't do it for some perceived ROI. Yeah.

The most, the greatest dating advice I'm hearing on the streets these days is don't hit the streets looking for the right person. Hit the streets to make yourself the absolute best version of yourself possible. Otherwise you end up squashing, you end up selling out, you end up compromising in ways that you don't like, you end up trying to become something you're not because your end goal is try to catch somebody.

The other side of that is knowing, dude, I am lovable as I am, I am marryable as, and I'm going to make myself the best version of myself. What does that mean? I always want to take cooking classes, I'm going. I always want to take karate classes, I'm going. I'm going to start volunteering at the library and reading to little kids because I love watching them laugh. You see what I'm saying? And it's going to feel like there's not an ROI on that. And when you're in those environments and you see somebody and y'all double take each other, one of you has to have the courage

to say, hey, I think you're handsome. Will you go get coffee with me? Oh, that's you're handsome. You go get coffee with me? Oh, that's a little daunting. Of course it is. Of course it is. It cannot be more daunting than making out with a bus driver. Well, you know. Dude, I used to drive a bus, so I'm just joking.

That wasn't his profession. I know, I'm just playing. Dude, seriously, I used to drive a bus for extra money'm just joking. That wasn't his profession. I know, I'm just playing. Dude, seriously, I used to drive a bus for extra money. I have high, high respect for bus drivers. But here's the thing, 100% of your next steps are going to be awkward and they're going to be full of risk, period. All of them. And so do you want to risk, what I'm about to say is going to sound harsh, okay?

And I know that I'm kind of being provocative, but do you want to risk being 70 and alone with a story that I didn't, I didn't, I just didn't want to be awkward. Or do you want to take a shot at having some adventures with the cooking class and starting a lawn mowing business and I'm just making stuff up, but like, I don't know, it'd be hilarious to be the massage and lawns or whatever. But like, do you want to get out there and live this wild fun life because you only get one shot? And I'm going to put myself out there. I'm going to out there and live this wild, fun life because you only get one shot.

And I'm gonna put myself out there. I'm gonna ask you out. And I'd rather be 70, be like, dude, I asked that everybody. And they all said, no, I hate men. Then I would join you in that. But my belief is if you're putting yourself in these situations at 50, you don't have any kids, you can go do stuff on weekends, you can go have some fun, you can go have these amazing things, amazing life giving moments that that's where

you're going to make eye contact with somebody. And that's when one of you has to have the courage. And at this point, it's probably going to be you. Yeah. I wish that wasn't the case, but I think that's going to be the way it is. Well, and I want that. I want to be able to grow that way. I've spent the last two years really exploring my own boundaries in living, I guess you could say.

Absolutely. And enjoyed broadening my horizons and everything. That one still makes me pretty nervous. Yes. Let that nerve... There would be something weird with you if you weren't nervous. I'm nervous for you. Like I'm cheering for you so hard, but I'm nervous too.

Like, oh gosh, hope she doesn't ask somebody out and he's mean to her. Like I'm nervous for you too. Yeah. But what are you more nervous about? It's just choose your heart. It's really hard to be 50 But what are you more nervous about? It's just choose your heart. It's really hard to be 50 and want to have a companion just ride or die and did not have

one. That's really hard. And it's really hard to go take a cooking class by yourself and sign up for hot yoga by yourself and to see somebody and say, Hey, would you like to go get a drink? That's hard too. Both of those paths are hard. The question is, which heart are you going to choose? Yeah.

And the hardest of all these things is really saying, this is who I want to be in my back half of my life, values-wise, and I'm not going to budge from these. And then here's some of my beliefs, and I would love to have them challenged by somebody new and exciting. Does that make sense? It does. Can I tell you I'm rooting for you so, so much. Thank you. Oh my gosh, Lee, I'm rooting for you.

You have to, have to call us. You have to call us when you get some magic date. I can't wait. I'm excited for you. But write down those things that you believe and those things that you value. Sign up for a few cool things. A cute full a couple of cool classes. And by the way, take a wood shop class. I don't know. Or pottery. Remember Ghost? Kelly is always singing that song. Oh We're like Kelly we get it we get actually you've never sang that song No But she does walk around be like you guys want to make My gosh

Lee you're my hero, dude. I love you All right Next we hear from a man who received a letter from his mom after two and a half years of them not talking. We'll be right back. Hey, it's Jelone for Organifi. I talk to people every day who feel overwhelmed. And I don't just mean emotionally.

They're physically and mentally spent. They're worn out. They're anxious. They're not sleeping well. They feel that foggy disconnected sense all the time and most of them are just trying to push through with coffee and more caffeine and willpower. Can we all just agree what we're doing probably isn't working? Redlining our bodies every minute of every day is just burning everyone to the ground. That's where Organifi comes in. Organifi makes organic superfood blends and gummies,

which I love, that are designed to support your body, your mind, even your emotions, so you don't just set everything on fire. You just mix Organifi's superfood blends with water and you're good to go. For me, it's green juice in the morning for focus, red juice in the morning and the afternoon for clean energy without the crash, and I love my happy drops to boost my mood and the She-Legit gummies that help me feel like a laser beam. Look, most people

don't have to overhaul their entire life to start feeling better. You just have to listen to your body and start making some small daily choices. You can start with my friends at Organifi. Go to organifi.com slash deloni and use code deloni to save 20% off. That's 20% off with code deloni at organifi.com slash deloni. Evansville Indiana. Let's talk to Lewis. What's up Lewis? Hey, how's it going?

Dude, rock it on to the break it to Lewis. What's up, Lewis? Hey, how's it going? Dude, rock it on to the break it down, brother. What's up with you? I'm sitting in a parking lot outside of factory talking to you. That's not creepy at all. Not at all. Not at all. What's up, man? So I'll just jump into it. It's, it was a little over two and a half years ago when I last had any significant communication with either one of my parents. And it was about three, four weeks ago now that I got a letter kind of out of the blue from my mom just saying, Hey, what have I done? Can I want to talk to you?

And is it okay if I reach out and talk to your daughter? So it's her granddaughter that, I mean, nobody in the family has had any kind of communication with my parents for like two and a half years. What happened? It was a long time coming. So I was one of the guys that makes you mad when he doesn't stand up to his parents and just kind of is just kind of like going along trying to keep everybody happy, letting my wife take the brunt of like going along trying to keep everybody happy, letting my wife take the brunt of it. That was me for the first and I've been married

now for a little over 20 years. So she beat up your wife a lot was never approving. Oh yeah, it was. I mean, before we even got married, she made the statement. One of these days your wife's going to come between us. And it was just, it was bad. But I do love- My mom on the other hand said, hey, if you all ever break up, she's moving in with us.

You're on your own. So yeah, very, very good. Dang. Wow. Okay. So what was the big event? Something happened two and a half years ago that you just said, we're done.

Yeah, it finally came to a head. So my parents live about 13 hours from us. They'd come down to visit um Because they do that every once also they came down to visit and then We were they came to a show. Um, my my wife and my mom, um At that point in time had almost no communication. Um, my wife was like cordial saying hi, and that was about it because she was sick and tired of being ripped apart. We were trying to just like get along for the sake of, I don't even know what at this point, but they came down, watched a show, then went to an archery tournament

with, um, that my daughter was shooting in. My wife and son were sitting in the bleachers and my mom was cheering for my daughter. Well, the way they shoot archery in this particular event is quiet. So my son just looked over and said, Hey Nana, we don't cheer. It needs to be quiet while they're shooting. So my mom thought my thought my wife put my son up to saying something and she got mad and she pouted and sulked and just made everything really like awkward. Then the next day we had a soccer game my son was in and my mom sat on the sidelines crocheting and knitting for the entire game. Didn't even didn't even look up once game was over. They were getting ready to leave. Um, and my son came off the field and he came

up crying and I'm like, what's wrong? And he said, Nana didn't even pay attention. She doesn't even care. And it was building that my mom played favorites. My daughter was the favorite. And since my son was on the spectrum, man, she couldn't communicate with him comfortably. So she just kind of didn't. And everybody in the family saw it. So, and I let it go.

So I got to own that one. I let it go, but it got, it came to a head that day. And I just walked up to him and I said, before we try and say this, goodbye, we, we got to talk because my son's really upset. And at which point in time, she's like, well, what do we do? And I said, well, this is what happened. And she goes, I don't need this f and crap. Got in the car, slammed the door.

Um, and then they drove away a couple of days later, I tried to have a phone conversation with my dad. Um, and all he did was yell at me and tell me how much of a problem my wife is and how horrible of a person I am. So I backed away from that conversation and just, I ended up sending him an email saying, listen, if we're going to go forward, we need help. We need to get somebody, we need to get professional, we need to get a professional involved because we can't talk this out on our own. His response was, well, if you can't talk to me, a counselor is not going to do any

good because I'm asking you the same questions they are. And I just said, that's what it's got to be. And the last message I got from him was have a good life. Dude, I'm sorry, man. I mean, on a positive note, the past two and a half years, they've been amazing, huh? Absolutely freaking amazing. Yeah. I mean, I've been in therapy for a year and a half and my wife and I, I mean, we're finally building our marriage because her

parents aren't any better. We haven't had any communication with them in close to a decade after my father-in-law threatened to kill me. So it's just us on an island. And can we all just call out it's not supposed to be like that? Yeah. I didn't realize it until recently. Yeah. And can we also be honest, just son to son and guy to guy, God almighty, it'd be awesome if your dad picked up the phone and just said, hey, I see that you're

raising an amazing daughter and special needs son. I'm really freaking proud of you. That'd be great, but that call will never come. I can't wait for it. No I know I know I know I know but it's both and right? Yeah. Like it's been a it's been it hasn't been a great couple of years it's been a drama-free couple of years which at the time right now feels great. That would agree with that. I hate this for you, dude.

So what did your mom's letter say? It just said, Hey, I've been going through feeling like I've lost my son. She did. Yeah, absolutely. She did. But she also wanted to say, I don't know what happened. I don't know what we've done. She did. Yeah, well, absolutely. She did, 100%. But she also wanted to say, I don't know what happened,

I don't know what we've done, I've tried to ask your dad and he won't talk about it. I would forward the email that he sent back. Okay. Well, let me say two things. One, you do not have to have conversation. And that's what I've been even debating on. I have a rule in my life that I only have conversations

like this with people who can hear them. And I only speak to when I can be heard. I don't speak to just have spoken. That's why I like when life, when like events happen in the world, I don't comment on this show very much because people can't hear it. They don't want to hear, I don't comment them on this show very much because people can't hear it. They don't want to hear an opposing side or they just want to mine what you just said for are you on my team? Do you hate the right people? That's why I avoid it all.

And so I've been I learned that from you and I've been I've been I've been actually implementing that in my life and it's it's been it's been good. Yeah nobody cares like if I I don't wanna speak just so I can be like, I was on this team now, unless it's some like grave injustice and then I'll speak my mind on it. But yeah, so if you don't think they can hear you, the fact that she's saying, I don't know what happened. I feel like I lost my son.

Like, yeah, you told me to F off and you closed the door and drove away. And then when I called back out, dad told me to have a good life. Yes, you lost your son. You told me to leave. Like directly, not even behaviors of language. Like you told me to leave. And so if there's some, like if there was a letter that was like, oh my gosh, I realized I pit you against your wife. I was wrong. Like I realized X, like I messed this up and I want to start from scratch from ground zero. I would honor that.

I would. And I might be a sucker, but I would honor that. But even just you telling me what that letter says is more of like a backwards, like, I don't know what happened. I just don't know what happened. And my guess is that's kind of her move for your whole life. Oh, absolutely. She throws a grenade and she's like, what?

She told you, yeah, like she tells you your wife and that's just guess like 101, right? Uh, I realize that now. Yeah. Yeah. Well, yeah. Um, I mean, I thought I had a normal childhood, but yeah, a year and a half of therapy is kind of opening my eyes. There's nothing better than a therapist that goes, Hey, that's not supposed to happen like that. And you're like, Oh, thank God. Really?

Yeah. I, dude, it's your call based on that letter. I'm not super optimistic. If you want it. Because I mean, the thing is it didn't say anything about my wife or my son. It literally was. I feel like I've lost my son and can I talk to my granddaughter? Yeah. Same old. I talked to my daughter about it and she's like, she's going to have to like apologize

to everybody before I'm interested in talking to her. How old is your daughter? My daughter's 19. Okay, so she's old enough that she gets it. Yeah, she's 19. My son's 16. Yeah. And I bet she's a fierce defender of him too, isn't she?

Yeah, yeah, you know, you know, you don't mess with her brother. I freaking dude I tell you one of my favorite people on the planet is Older siblings or younger siblings with the special need brothers and sisters that are just walking around with a knife saying I dare you I dare you dude, I Love that good for her man. Okay. Yeah grandma If you want if you want to be my friend you guys to say sorry to my brother That's awesome. It's not helpful and it's not respectful, but it's awesome. You get the you get the difference. Oh, absolutely Here's the thing I want you to be weary of and I can't I can't tell you what to do

I can tell you in this situation, I probably would not reach back out because it's the same old, same old. And even that hint of, I feel like I've lost my own kid is making it your fault. And I don't know what I did. I've always done my fault. Exactly. And so the thing I just want you to be weary of

is no matter how much healing you do, the fantasy of that phone call coming is always gonna be there. There will always be a seat at your table for one of those demons saying, but maybe this is the call. And it's simply not gonna come. And if you've listened to this show for more than five minutes, you know, I believe in

redemption and people changing more than anybody else. That call is not gonna come. And so the fan is you want it to be an olive branch so bad. And let's be honest, dude, nobody likes the thought of their mom just hanging out to dry sitting at home. Of course she misses her son and I feel bad about that. But it's not your job to circle back and become a Xanax for her. You've been making her feel okay for your whole life, it's just not your job, it's her job. You've been making her feel okay for your whole life. It's just not your job, it's her job.

Yeah. I don't know, man. That's the best I can give you, man. I'll support you whatever you want to do. I think this is the fair and honest and right thing, both for your wife, for your daughter and your son, and then for your parents. And nobody's going to take my decision to treat people with dignity and respect even if they don't respect me back is if you do reach back

out next with that communication comes a road map here's what must be true for us to have relationship and if you want to take these steps my front door is open and if you don't then you are choosing with your actions, with your behavior to not be in relationship with us. And that's what that's going to be. Golly, it breaks my heart. I'm so sick of families breaking break it up. Just breaks my heart, man.

We come back, I'll answer one of your money and marriage questions. We'll be right back. Father's Day is coming and no one wants another tie. If you're thinking of giving your dad or the dad in your life some gear that will change his life for the better, let me tell you about Cozy Earth. Cozy Earth has changed my life. I can't wait to get into bed because they make amazing sheets and bedding and I can't wait to get in and out of the shower because they make the greatest towels and bath linens ever in the history of the planet. They're the size of a comforter and they stay soft even when you wash them with the wrong towels.

And I didn't even know that was a thing until my wife told me, but I did it and the Cozy Earth Towels survived. And I've come to love my Cozy Earth Sweat Joggers tees and lounge gear. They're soft and breathable and durable. And my teenage son has started stealing my shirts and hoodies. They are that comfortable. Make this a father's day to remember. No more ties and no more white button up dress shirts. This year, give the dad or father in your life the gift of comfort with Cozy Earth.

Go to CozyEarth.com slash Deloney and use code Deloney to get 40% off. That's CozyEarth.com slash Deloney with code Deloney. All right. Hey friends, listen. The Earth dot com slash deloni with code deloni. All right. Hey friends, listen, big announcement. Me and Rachel Cruz, Rachel Cruz and I, that's the way to say that. Rachel Cruz and I are hosting another money and marriage getaway over Valentine's Day weekend, 2026.

All new stuff. In fact, we were just talking through it the other day and it's going to be off the rails. It's a weekend here in Nashville. It's two and a half days. You pack up, you get some babysitters and you fly across the country, you drive and you spend a whole weekend with me, Rachel Cruz,

some special guests, some fun friends of ours, some neighbors, some musicians and comedians, whoever shows up here. And when you're in Nashville, you never know who's gonna pop in here. The past Valentine's getaways sold out completely. Every time we add a new date, this thing sells out. It's gonna be February 12th through the 24th, 2026.

And I know it's opened this thing really early. It's like, dude, that's like pretty much next year. We know that, but it just sells out so fast. And so if you've got birthdays coming up, if you've got summer vacation stuff and you're not gonna be able to go and you just wanna buy tickets, or if you already wanna get Christmas presents early,

February 12th through the 14th, put on your calendar 2026. Early bird tickets are 749 bucks. Prices will go up, so get your tickets now. Two and a half days in Nashville, Tennessee. It's gonna be, to be just so great. It's so fun, man. All right. Here's the money and marriage question at money marriage.

One of the cool things is you get access to me and Rachel tons and tons of Q and A's so that you leave with your questions answered. And we have some anonymous boxes in case the question you want to ask is pretty tough. Although some people ask us some pretty direct questions just live. You heard some of the questions people ask, just stand up there and ask, should we circumcise our son? You're like, okay, guess we're doing this. Guess we're doing this one.

Yeah. People ask some questions that I'm glad that they feel comfortable enough to ask, but that I was shocked to find out that they were asking them just in front of everybody. But that says a lot, that they're comfortable enough in the room and that's pretty awesome. Yeah, we do work pretty hard to make it a comfortable place for people just to drop their shoulders a little bit. All right, here's a question. Can you provide some tools to help my wife when she feels like a burden? This is a really big question because

it could be all over the map. Somebody could be struggling with major depression, someone could be struggling with catastrophic anxiety. It can be all kinds of things people are wrestling with. They could be struggling with some sort of addiction disorder, any number of things going on with somebody. And so they know every time they walk into a room that everyone has to bend their world to make space for them. So that's that's number one. Number two, and this is the one I'll spend most of the time on. Maybe your wife has just learned, I'm not going to ask for help because he rolls his eyes.

I'm not going to ask for help because he rolls his eyes. I'm not gonna ask for help because he goes, ah, I'm not gonna ask for help because he's always coming in talking about how tired he is and exhausted he is and everybody at work is just always nagging him and then he plops down on the couch and grabs a beer and turns the TV on or he just sits there on his phone or he disappears into the bathroom

for a 45 minute pseudo dump, even though no human can go to the bathroom for 45 straight minutes. There's just not that much chachalot. Your small intestine is not that big. But they just go hide inside their own house, inside their own bathroom. And a wife just learns,

his life would be better if I just left him alone. Which over time becomes, I feel like a burden. Or it may be that she doesn't wanna reach out to friends for help or she doesn't wanna go to a counselor because money's tight right now. And all of this stuff is this idea that the world would be better off without me. Almost always, this is a story that comes from childhood.

When a parent said, my gosh, this is so expensive. My life was so fun when you weren't here. You have any idea how much fun we had before you were born? Do you know how expensive college is? You're wasting my time. I cannot believe you didn't make straight A's. It's some kind of story that somebody learns early on that their role is to make sure everybody else is okay.

Their role is to just put their head down and get small. And then when you become a spouse, a wife or a husband, then you're carrying half the weight of this family. In fact, you're never carrying half the weight. Sometimes you're carrying 20% and that's all you got. Sometimes you're carrying 80% because just of the season you're in. And you feel like it would be better if I just disappeared here. And so a couple of things I've learned is to not address the burdensomeness and you feel like it would be better if I just disappeared here.

And so a couple of things I've learned is to not address the burdensomeness head on. That's for a therapist. And so if you are struggling with addiction, if you're struggling with depression, if you're thinking about hurting yourself, you gotta go call somebody. And if you're married to somebody who's struggling with those things

and they won't make that call, you gotta make that call. Be willing to risk short-term chaos in your relationship for somebody still being alive, for somebody getting the psychiatric help that they desperately, desperately need. Beneath that, here's a couple of ways we're going to quote unquote practice teaching somebody they're not a burden. And we're actually building out a marriage app just basically for this thing. It's gonna be amazing. It actually is amazing.

I've got the beta on my phone right now. It's really amazing. But it just starts with a simple, hey, how can I love you today? Oh, don't do it. No, no, no, I'm gonna do one thing and I'm gonna pick it, but I would really love it if it was something that would really help you out.

And if you make this a regular practice, you put it in your phone, you do it every single day. Hey, how can I love you today? What's your picture of tonight look like? Well, I've got to go to the store and I've got to do this. Let me go to the store for you. No, no, no, no, no, no. All right, here's the deal.

I'm going to the store. I'm going to take a picture from the Kroger Republic's parking lot. I'm going to send it to you. And I'm going to go in there and shop. And you know what happens when I buy groceries with just me. Send me a list, because I'm going to send it to you and I'm going to go in there and shop and you know what happens when I buy groceries with just me send me a list because I'm gonna stop by and go and You walk in the door even though you're exhausted from work Even though you're working overtime and you're fried even though you've got so much going on your mom's giving you drama and your sisters

What you walk with a smile on your face and you're like, I'm home Sometimes it's just turning on music in the car and singing really loud while you walk in with a smile on your face and you're like, I'm home. Sometimes it's just turning on music in the car and singing really loud while you pull in the driveway. Sometimes that's just saying a quick prayer. Sometimes that's using the hallow meditation app, whatever you gotta do to walk in the door so that you can, I'm here and I got the groceries. Guess what else I got?

Dinner, guess what else I got? Flowers. Here's the third thing you can do. So that's what your picture of tonight look like and how can I participate in this? How can I love you today? And then the third thing is constantly, and this is the one time that love language stuff,

normal stuff makes my eyes roll out the back of my head, but doing things on a regular basis with joy in a language that your partner can hear it and absorb it. So if gifts is the language, I'm just going to grab a flower. I'm going to grab a little trinket from the office. I'm going to get two Reese's Pieces cups out of the jar on the way out of the office. I'm going to take them home and drop them down. I'm going to constantly do these little drips of, I see you and I love you and I see you

and I love you. And then the last one, fourth one is SOS, skin on skin contact. Hey honey, can I have a 30 second hug before we go to work? Your nervous system calms my nervous system. Hey honey, will you put your hands on my face and just look at me for a second? It makes all the trouble in the world go away. What you're doing is you're asking somebody to borrow a little piece of themself for you.

And over time, the story, the narrative of I'm a burden, they would be better off without me, it withers away. Because in real time, they're seeing their husband get 30 seconds of just a hug and his shoulders drop and his whole body kind of goes. And so you can't say, the world would be better if I wasn't around because it's not,

I feel how I'm bringing him peace in the world. So that's a few things. If your wife feels like a burden, the first place I would go is to the mirror. How am I contributing to this? If you're like, dude, I'm not, I'm not cool. Then maybe we need to get some professional help. Maybe you need to say,

hey, would you come to a marriage counselor with me? I want to be the best husband I can be. You're amazing and I want to match this and I'm just out of skills and I'd love to be really good at this and ask them to come along with you. So that's a couple of things you could try there. There's so much underneath the question.

Somebody feels like a burden and it can be borderline or fully suicidal or it could just be, I'm only talking to you because you're annoying and there's a big spectrum there. So hopefully some of those tools helped. Thanks for loving your partner well. Peace.