The Dr. John Delony Show - I Kicked My Husband out of the House

Episode Date: June 12, 2024

On this episode, we hear about: ·      A woman grappling with her husband’s violent outbursts ·      A husband seeking advice on how to support his anxious wife ·      New parents facing the tough decision of moving away from family   Offers From Today's Sponsors 10% off your first month of therapy at BetterHelp!   3 free months of Hallow  25% off Thorne orders  20% off Organifi with code: DELONY Up to 30% off + 2 Free Pillows at Helix Sleep Next Steps 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or click here! 📚 Get Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Take the Anxiety Test  📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future  ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards  💭 John's Free Guided Meditation  Listen to More From Ramsey Network 🎙️ The Ramsey Show   🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💡 The Rachel Cruze Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights 💰 George Kamel 💼 The Ken Coleman Show 📈 EntreLeadership   Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy https://www.ramseysolutions.com/compa…

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. He has, like, these outbursts. He's thrown things, broken things. You know, recently he, like, punched and shattered our computer screen. He tells me that, like, I make him so mad. Like, I push him. So stupid. Allie, you know that's nonsense.

He's a gaslighting child, that's what he is. What up, what up, what up, what up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. I'm so glad that you're with us. Talking about your mental and emotional and relational health, whatever you got going on in your life. The good stuff, the bad stuff, the really scary stuff. I got you.

Give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291. That's 1-844-693-3291. Or go to johndeloney.com slash ask, A-S-K, and we'll get you on the show. Kelly, before we go to the first caller, I need some help here. This could take a while. I got some H-E-A-T on the internets. Okay.

I didn't mean for this to be a hot take. I think we have too many graduation ceremonies. Oh, I agree. I think we have too many promotions. It'd be like if you got married 117 times before you got married. Like, it just takes away the wedding. Yeah.

Well, there's kindergarten graduation and then elementary school graduation and then middle school graduation. Oh, no, no. There's like promotion from first to second grade. And we have to go sit outside where they read all the names of the kids and pass out certificates. And I'm just like in a rural public school. It's not even like a fancy something or other. I just want to set my hair on fire. But people were like not happy.

Like you're taking joy away from kids. And I just don't think I am. I think I'm trying to be reasonable. In a world of people gone crazy. And I'm going to step out on a limb and say it has very little to do with the kids. The joy that we're taking away from kids I don't think most of the time they care

I think it's about the parents. I think it's If I asked my kids independent of these award things and was like, hey Do you want to put on really nice clothes? and sit out in the heat and stare off into space while adults yammer at you and then Pass you out a certificate that will be watered up in the back of the car before we get home. You want to do that? Or do you just want to go get ice cream?

If there was an ice cream party, totally down. D-O-W-N. I'm down for that. Yeah. Just do field day. Let's call it a day. Administrators,

it's time for you to step up and lead. We could talk about technology in the classroom. We could talk about the just complete falling off a cliff of academic standards. It's too much. Let's just chill out with all of the awards and promotion ceremonies. Let's just have high school graduation. That's a big one. That one's cool.

And other than that, let's everybody, as the great T. Swift says, shake it off. All right, let's go out to Savannah and talk to Allie. Allie, why are you bugging? What's up, Allie? Hi there. You doing all right? Okay. Okay.

Uh-oh. Okay, bring it on. What's up? So I really, I just wanted to ask, so my husband struggles with anger and outbursts, and I just wanted to know how to approach him about it and how to stop feeling like it's my fault. Wow. I'm guessing that there's a lot behind what you just said.

Is it scary to be in your home? To an extent. i mean definitely like emotionally um but he i mean he has like these outbursts and he's thrown things broken things um you know recently he like punched and shattered our computer screen um but like the thing is Is that he apologizes so sincerely And he tells me that like I make him so mad Like I push him too far And that's like why he

Like burst So stupid Ally you know that's nonsense He's a gaslighting child That's what he is And anger outbursts are real. People who struggle with anger, it's very, very real.

And I don't ever hate on that. What I hate on is two things. One, if you know you smash things with your wife, you have kids in the house, I'm assuming? Yeah, we have three kids. Yeah. When you smash things and scream and blow your top in front of your wife and your kids or in front of your

husband and your kids you get one i'll give you one big blow up and then you got to go get help right you got to go get help and if you don't then you are choosing to a be miserable personally but you're choosing to um destroy the sanctity of your home with your anger and your rage. And like what you just said, you know who hits things? Kids. If you go look at little kids playing with blocks, you know this, one kid takes a block and the other kid just hits that kid because that's developmentally appropriate. They're children. Adults should not be smashing stuff. And by the way Allie I don't want to hurt your feelings

You don't have the power to make him that mad That's a choice he makes And then he's embarrassed And he looks at the first person he can dump that Embarrassment onto and make them carry it Because he can't carry it because he's a child How long has he been acting like this? We've been married for 10 years

And it's happened off and on the whole time. How have you tried to talk to him about it in the past? I've told him point blank like, hey, this can't happen anymore. Yeah, but you've said that a bunch and it keeps happening

and you don't do anything. Yeah. Currently, we are separated. Okay. I take that back. Good on you. What does separation look like for you right now? He is going to be out of the home.

So he's not yet? Today is the very first day of true separation. Things kind of came to a head last night. Yeah. Hold on. Whoa, whoa, whoa. head last night. Yeah. And so... Hold on. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Don't blow by that. Are you safe now? Yes. How did they come to a head last night? So he pretty much says like, because he has a history of like walking out in the middle of a conversation.

And he says like, it's because he needs like time to cool off, which I respect that. But in the middle of a conversation, it feels to me like an escape. Especially if I'm trying very hard to like keep my cool and just like talk to him, like have a conversation. But I also know, I have been, I know complex PTSD because of my abusive parents.

And one of the things that my dad used to do was he would ignore me and like walk right past me. And so I know that a lot of that is coming from me feeling abandoned and, you know. Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope. And as a good complex PTSD survivor, you've also learned how to make every uncomfortable social interaction in the world your fault. Because that's how you stayed safe as a kid, right? Yeah. Yeah, this is not your fault.

Yeah. Your husband's leaving you because he's struggling. My guess is he bails out of the middle of conversations anytime there's a hint at him taking some sort of responsibility or accountability. I guarantee you he doesn't bail on conversations when we're both talking about how Allie needs to improve and Allie needs to get better. Yeah. It's when you talk about your hurt, when you talk about protecting the kids, that he gets flooded and overwhelmed.

And because he's a child, he runs. And I'll give him that. It's better than hitting somebody or punching a hole through a computer screen. Yeah. But you can't do that for a decade. And I also fully, I believe in the sincerity of his apology. What I don't believe is the sincerity of his marriage covenant.

I don't believe in the sincerity of him wanting to keep his kids safe because he's chosen not to work on this issue. And there's just too many resources now. It's irresponsible. There's too much support and care and places to go, people to talk to, too much opportunity for people to get well. So you've heard me say this a thousand times, behavior is a language. What his behavior tells me is that he doesn't really care how you feel. He doesn't really care how your kids are experiencing their home with a grizzly bear living inside. He cares about his ego and he cares about his whatever he wants to do whenever he wants to do it. That's about it. Does that

sound right? Yeah. Yeah. Can I just tell you, I hate that for you. Yeah. Tell me about those tears. Sorry, I just... It's hard because I love him so much, and he doesn't believe that. I mean, he told me last night he doesn't believe that. I actually care about his emotions, his emotions and his feelings. Hold on.

Can I stop you there? I hate to keep interrupting, but that is a classic Gaslight 101. Okay? Yeah. That's a way to make you feel bad for the guilt and shame he feels because he keeps smashing up his own phone and he terrifies his wife and his kids. And so he blames you. You don't even know how I feel. If you really did,

you wouldn't ask me to help around the house because it makes me so mad. I mean, see how it's just, you're in it. And so I'm telling you from the outside, it's not, it's just not your fault. I know you care about that man deeply. You wouldn't have been with him and stuck through this nonsense for 10 years if you weren't just all in on this marriage

right yeah and our bodies we marry our unfinished business and your body is still wondering why dad would walk past you and you pick somebody else because your body's going to solve that problem and this person does the same damn thing and i'm so sorry yeah um and i told him you know we have to get help and if he wants to save our family that's what he'll do um and so he is taking steps right now and i'm grateful for it but i think i'm just scared that it's going to be the same story, you know, two weeks of getting help and talking to mentors. But then it just goes right back to what it was before. And I think just this is like the first time we've actually taken a real separation. And I just, I'm like praying and hoping that it does its job. I'm also just, I guess I just feel very responsible and I don't know how to like get that out. I don't know how to make that feeling go away.

Don't fight your feelings right now. Yeah. Okay. Pay close attention to your actions, but your feelings are going to be all over the place because you also swore to yourself you would never have a divorced household. Yeah. And you probably had some counseling

from what you went through as a kid, and you actually believed the therapist that it wasn't your fault, and then this whole thing happens again, and it's hard when it's a second time because you're like, okay, I'm the common denominator here, and and you beat yourself up and you have for 10 years yeah and so i'm just dude i'm just a dude on a podcast i'm telling you it's not your fault

and i know it's easy to say and so let your feelings be your feelings but your actions are gonna you're gonna fake it till you make it for the next 30 days okay okay here's a gift you can give him and it till you make it for the next 30 days. Okay. Here's a gift you can give him and it's going to take you a few days. And so I want you to tell him, I'll send you an email in five days. And that probably won't be enough time, but let's just, let's just say five days.

I'm going to send you an email of what must be true for you to be welcomed back in this home. He cannot just go talk to mentors. He needs professional help. Yeah. Okay. And so part of him coming back is that he has gone to attend a professional licensed therapy consultation four times. He can do that twice in two consecutive weeks. He can go once a week,

but he's got to go four times. He has to X, you fill in the blank. I don't know your life and I don't know the world you've been living in, but you get to decide what's going to make you feel safe. And yes, your body would be right to be highly, highly on edge. There's no question about it. Your body's keeping you safe.

It's doing its job. Your risk is you're going to lean through that body. Your body's screaming at you to run away. You're going to lean through that if he chooses to lean forward to you. Yeah. Most of the time when people are dealing with this level of anger that's been gone unhelped for this long, things get worse before they get better. Because there's a world of hurt underneath this anger, isn't there? Yeah.

I think that he has a lot of childhood trauma to work through um and it kills me because I like I went to treatment for mine um and I learned so much and I just see some of it in him and it's heartbreaking um sometimes you know he just doesn't believe that he needs to help and he says like I can handle it on my own and he he's like, what are people going to help me with? What are they going to help me with? They're just going to talk to me. And I just think that there's such a level of pride there. And he doesn't want people to know that things are bad.

He doesn't want his work to suffer. He's going to have to make some space for divorce court if he doesn't go get help. Yeah. And so his life's going to change when we're the other. And that might be a way to phrase that. From this point forward, your life is different. It's either different because you're on your own and you're paying child support for three kids

plus you're supporting me, or you're going to go sit down with a licensed therapist and you're going to start having conversations that you've never had before. That's the two choices. And the cool thing is he gets to pick. The sucky thing for you is you can't make that choice for him, and you've been trying to for 10 years. Yeah. Are you a good mom?

I mean, I try to be. Allie, are you a good mom? Yeah, I'm a good mom. Okay. Are you a good wife? I think so. I think you are. are you a good friend? yeah

when things get tough over the next 30 days I want you to remember that write those things down if you need to I'm a good mom, I'm a good wife I'm a great friend but I don't want you to cash out because the worst thing that can happen here is he says I've got everything cool

and you know in your guts they're not but you let him back because you feel guilty about the separation or he makes you feel bad about whatever and there hasn't been any clarity any you will do this and this and this before this

and the fact that you've put up with this for 10 years tells me he's pretty good at this and this before this. Yeah. And the fact that you've put up with this for 10 years tells me he's pretty good at groveling and he's pretty good at making you feel like this is kind of your fault. And if you'll just do these things, this won't happen again. And you go, okay, I'm going to do better this time. That sound right? Yeah. Yeah. That's over. You're a good wife. You're a's over. You're a good wife.

You're a good friend. You're a great mom. Him peeing on the floor and then rubbing your nose in it, those days are over. Cool? Yeah. Okay. Do you have a couple of friends that are your age, some women in your life that you can talk with and be completely honest with? Yes. Okay. I want you to reach out to them ASAP and make a small text list. Here's your

homework assignments. Have a text list of two or three women that you trust and call them and let them know we're doing a 30 day separation. Um, and I need you to be on call for me for the next 30 days. I might text you and say I need you to come over. I might text you and say I just need to talk. I might text you with a question. Will you be my ride or die for the next 30 days? Honor a couple of your friends with that request. It'll be a gift to them, okay?

Okay. Your second homework assignment is is are you seeing somebody now uh like a therapist yep yes okay good i want you to go the next time you have your meeting your next appointment with your therapist i want you to walk in and i want you to say i need to come up with my 30-day plan my you will be welcome back in this home when plan. And the therapist might go, I don't know what you mean. Say, I need to help discerning what I need and what I want and what's going to help me feel safe before my husband comes back. What are the things I need him to be doing

so that I'm okay with him coming back home? And they'll help you craft that plan. And they've been working with you for a long time, so I'm sure they've got a fuller picture of the story than I just got just now Here's what's hard you can't control his anger Here's what's even harder. None of this has ever been your fault And you've been carrying that for so long. You got to set that down Here's what's even harder he may walk away i hope he doesn't hope he fights for y'all hope he fights for himself hope he heals that little

boy that's still trying to protect him and smashing things and yelling and screaming and blaming but often they don't and so hold some space for if he chooses to walk away will not be your fault not be those kids faulted be because he chose to not work and do the hard scary things by getting well his anger has protected him and made him feel safe for a long time and it's about to cost him everything he holds dear his business his wife his kids his home everything if you're listening to this and you or somebody you love struggles with anger, don't ever blame someone else again. You get to choose what happens next after you get angry. And you get to choose way upstream to live a life that's not so razor thin with margin that one thing sets you off. You end up hurting somebody or smashing something,

like a child. Go get help for your anger today. We'll be right back. Hey, good folks, let's talk about hallow. All right, I say this all the time. It's important to get away for times of prayer and meditation by yourself with no one else around. But one thing you might not think about though is maintaining a sense of community

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hallow.com slash Deloney. It's amazing. Three free months of the app. When you go to hallow.com slash Deloney, go right now and change your life. All right, let's roll out to Denver, Colorado and talk to Raymond. Hey, Raymond, what's up? John, thanks for taking my call. You got it, brother. What's going on? So my wife, she has really high levels of anxiety, possibly ADHD as well, and been trying to convince her our relationship and the effect of her trauma and issues on our children. How old are your kids, man?

10 and 8. So let's move the diagnostics aside. Let's take the anxiety and the ADHD and whatever else you've Googled. Let's put that off to the side. What are the actions that are starting to poison your home or have been poisoning your home for a long time?

What are things she does? Well, she's very reactive and has anger. Loses her cool very easily. Does she rage out at those kids? reactive and has anger. You know, loses her cool very easily. Does she rage out at those kids?

Yeah. Okay. She can't do that. I know you know that. Yeah. How have you dealt with that in the past? Well, I'll try to try to like get her attention you know ask her to to walk out of

the room but that doesn't usually get a very positive response doesn't like to be like you know accused of what's going on i guess in the moment um so like that guess, in the moment. So, like, that's, again, in the moment, that's what I've tried to do is help her realize what, how she's behaving, how it's not acceptable.

And, I mean, I've never said it, you know, it feels like I'm dealing sometimes with a child at the time. You are. You're dealing with her at the age of seven. You are. It's just like the last call we just took. Have you sat down with your 10 and your 8-year-old, or probably they were 9 and 6 or 9 and 7?

Have you sat down with them and said, it is not okay that mommy said that, and I'm so sorry that she talked to you that way? I can't think of exactly saying that but i think i've probably tried to apologize before but okay listen to me very carefully oh i always tell people don't talk negative about a kid's other parent right you're not going to run people down. And it is not dishonoring. It is not disparaging.

It is not uncool to tell your kids that is not okay. And I'm sad mom did not come to your event. Mom should not yell at you like that. She should not talk to you that way. And I'm very sorry that happened. It is not dishonoring to tell your wife. You cannot talk to my kids like that. There is no learning, zero learning that can happen when she's enraged. When she's to the point that she's screaming at her own children, there's no learning.

There is just interrupting behavior. There's just getting in the middle of it. And she won't leave. Cool. I'm taking the 10-year-old and 8-year-old and we're walking out the door. And she can scream and kick and yell all she wants. I'm protecting these kids. Because there will come a day when those kids look at you

and say, why didn't you protect us? And I always tell people, you got to choose your spouse, right? You default to your spouse, but not in these moments. Not when your spouse has something disparaging or evil or hurtful or painful. Your kids need them.

The kids need you. As I'm saying that, tell me what you're feeling. I'm feeling that you're right. I've probably known that. I think I have let the other side of that where I was trying to be on the same side and

not have my wife feel like I was going against her okay I'm gonna be with you ride or die you hurt my kids you've chosen to be

against me now you get what I'm saying and if she says mean things to them and screams at them and scares them yeah i'm gonna get involved right in the middle of that um at the age of 10 and the age of 8 it's okay to go into their bedroom or to take them out for ice cream and say mommy's sick and when mommy doesn't feel good her whole body gets so full of sharp things, it comes out super angry.

And she should not say that to you, and I'm so sorry. She loves you. She loves you. She loves you. But she's sick right now. And that's the language I would use, okay? Okay. okay okay and I think it's fair to tell her in seasons

or in moments when or times when she's not enraged and things are calm hey that can't happen again okay often people won't get the help they need

because they don't think they're worth it occasionally they'll go get the help they need because they don't want to hurt anybody that they love and it's there that we hope they begin to find that they've got value too and the greatest gift they can give the people that they love is to love themselves so they can be

whole you know what i'm saying yeah okay i definitely i agree with that but i know it's i know it's hard to get to get the help is what I'm struggling with. Yeah. It may come to you deciding, I have to protect my children. And my guess is, if you're like most men who I've had this conversation with, you're soft-selling it. It can be pretty hellacious inside your home, can't it? Probably. them can it um probably i mean i've heard some other stories on your on your show and stuff that sound a lot worse yeah my show's not a great proxy dude it's way off the rail sometimes um

let me say it this way um somebody i respect said it this way once um you protect your wife's heart but you tell kids the truth. And there will come a season when your kids get older and you can sit down and say, mom's got anxiety real bad. And part of having real bad anxiety, part of having real bad depression, part of having some of the challenges that she has is that it makes going to get help very difficult. And that's not yours to wear. And I so sorry that's not your job but your kids have already learned at the age of 10 and 8 that they're responsible for making sure mom doesn't get off the rails and that's not their job that can never be their job tell me what you're thinking

just what you just said I was thinking about my 10-year-old and how they definitely try to, I guess, be the peacemaker and like you just said, try to,

it's their responsibility for her not to get upset. Okay. When you defend your kids, if you, imagine the last time your wife just became enraged, started screaming at the kids, smashing cabinets, slamming cabinets, whatever. If you walked in calmly and you said, me and the two kids, we're going to leave. You cannot talk to my kids like that.

You can't act like this in front of the kids. We're going to leave. What does she do next? What's her next move? Probably attack me and say that I behave the same. Do you? I've definitely lost my temper, something I'm working on. I'm working with a therapist.

When's the last time you lost your temper? Probably a couple of weeks ago. All right. We're done with that. Hear me say this. Never yell at your kids, period. Never scream and dishonor your wife, period. You can work on all the emotional things and all the buildup and all the things that happens in your life before then, but we're going to be done working on those two things. We're finished treating the people that we love like that, right? Do I have your commitment on that? Yes. Okay. It's over. Your kids will point back to the early summer of 2024 when dad flipped a switch

and decided because he gets to choose to never yell and scream inside this home again so when your wife starts throwing accusations against you you can look at her and say you're right

and I'm trying to get better and you take those kids and you put them in the car and y'all go get ice cream okay okay and if you feel like you're going to explode, you walk out the front door, but you're never going to scream at those kids again.

Got it. You're not going to scream at her either. And she's going to push every button you have. Yeah. I've really done a good job about that. Good. I'm proud of you. My voice with her. I mean, that really upsets her, too, because she wants to get me out of it. I know she does. Because in her mind, that electric interaction is passion, is connectivity. And you have to be open and say, I'm not going to participate in this.

But you also have proven to yourself you can control it. Because she pushes your buttons hard, right? Yeah. Yes. And you downshift and you are in control. And you can do that with your kids. You can especially do that with your kids. Right?

To put it that way, I never thought about it like that. Okay. My dad actually pulled that trick on me once. He heard me swearing when I was a kid, and I said I couldn't help it. And he said, I've never heard you swear in front of your grandmother. I've never heard you swear in front of your mom. That tells me you can control it. And I was like, ooh, dad burn.

So I just reused an old dad-ism on you. So there you go. There you go, man. All right. Here's a couple other things you need. Those kids desperately, desperately, desperately need relationships with other adults. If your wife truly has some psychiatric disorders, there's going to be needs that they need met by other grown women that your wife will not be able to give to them. Okay.

And that might be your sister, that might be one of their aunts, that might be your mother, that might be some women from your church, but they're going to need other people, adults that they can lean on who are sturdy, as Dr. Becky Kennedy calls it, or who are safe. Because right now, mom is not, And you haven't been super safe either. Yeah. I've seen this. Here's like a mechanical example. I sat with a woman once whose,

her daughter was just starting her period. Mom had gone through some sexual abuse as a kid. And she said, I physically cannot have this conversation. Like the whole thing, she couldn't do it. And I said, okay, your I physically cannot have this conversation. Like the whole thing, she couldn't do it. And I said, okay, your daughter has to have this conversation. She's got to have people that she can trust and lean on and talk to.

I need a couple of women that you can tell her these are safe people to call. And she did that. And was that the best idea? No. But was that better than nothing? Absolutely. Absolutely.

Okay. So y'all are gonna have to find i want your kids need to see y'all interacting or at least you interacting with other adults so that they can see oh this there is peace out there it's just that my mom is sick right now okay okay and and you said uh that's something i definitely have to tell them, that their mother is sick. Do I have to wait till another explosion or? No. I think often, because they're going to go straight to fight or flight, and it's going to be a while before they can absorb anything. I do think it's fair to say, take out your 10-year-old and your 8-year-old and say, I yelled in this house and that was never your fault. And daddy should never yell at their kids.

I'm sorry. And mommy's sick and her insides feel sharp and hot. And sometimes when she gets real sick, they come out and she yells at y'all and that's never okay. And from this point forward, yeah, that's okay. You can say mom loves you very, very much, but she's just struggling. And your kids will probably at some point

when you're not around, hug your wife and say, I'm so sorry that you're sick. Daddy said you were sick. And your wife might fly off the handle. So have that conversation ahead of time. Yeah, I was going to say, so I should be telling her that I'm going to be talking

to the kids about that? Yeah, say I've got to apologize. It's in my guts. The way I've yelled at them, the way we've yelled at them is wrong. It can't happen anymore. And here's my plan.

If it happens again, I'm going to take them. You're free to do what you're going to do, but I'm going to take the kids and we're just going to go get some ice cream and go for a walk.

And look at your wife and say, I will never, as long as you know me again, yell at these kids. Is that fair? It sounds completely fair. I'm just worried about messing up. You're going to. You are. That's what asking for forgiveness is for. And that's what apologies are for.

And by the way, you're going to model to your kids that adults aren't perfect and adults screw up and adults can say, I'm sorry. I've been doing that. Good. Listening to you. Good. I'm proud of you. That's a big time, like 100% dad move right there to say, I'm sorry. Shouldn't have done that. Shouldn't talk to you like that. And let them know, I'm sorry. Shouldn't have done that.

Shouldn't talk to you like that. And let them know, I'm going to get the help I need so that this doesn't happen again. I'm proud of you, man. You got to see you're changing an entire family tree. And when you make changes like this,

you always have moments of resistance that are painful. And sometimes people choose to walk away. And sometimes people choose to walk away. And sometimes people choose to get well and it takes a couple of months, a couple of years, takes a long time to get well. And by the way, well, isn't static. You don't get to a place. You're always going to have that anger inside. You're always going to have that. I want to respond, but you're just going to be able to flip that switch so much quicker with so much more peace. And you're going to be able to exhale.

Say, I'm not yelling at a nine-year-old. I'm not yelling at a 17-year-old because they're a kid. I can do that. I'm an adult. I'm going to handle my crap so that I can show up and help them handle theirs. Hang on the line, brother. I'm going to send you two copies, two copies of Building a Non-anxious life. One for you and one for your wife. She might not be willing to go get help right this second and that's okay.

Actually, it's not if she's screaming and yelling and making the house unsafe, but she's choosing not to at this time. But put the book on your nightstand and read that book all the way front to back and have a second copy in case she says what is that and you say i've got one for both of us um And it will give you a roadmap And my hope is y'all look at that roadmap and y'all start trying to implement it and a couple of those are going to be Easy, but most of them are going to be really hard And you can say i'm gonna i'm getting help on the ones that I can't do i'd love for you to get help too

And maybe she will. She probably won't, but maybe she will. But you got to start living the example inside your home that you want everyone else to see and emulate too. Proud of you, man. Keep taking tiny little steps. Those winds are going to pile up and pile up and pile up and you're going to look up and your whole house is going to be different.

Proud of you. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. October is the season for wearing costumes. And if you haven't started planning your costume, seriously, get on it. I'm pretty sure I'm going to go as Brad Pitt because we have the same upper body, but whatever. Look, it's costume season. And if we're being honest, a lot of us hide our true selves

behind masks and costumes more often than we want to. We do this at work. We do this in social settings. We do this around our own families. We even do this with ourselves. I have been there multiple times in my life and it's the worst. If you feel like you're stuck hiding your true self behind costumes and masks, I want you to consider talking with a therapist. Therapy is a place where you can learn to accept all the parts of yourself, where you can be honest with yourself, and where you can take off the mask and the costumes and learn to live an honest, authentic life.

Costumes and masks should be for Halloween parties, not for our emotions and our true selves. If you're considering therapy, I want you to call my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy. You can talk with your therapist anywhere so it's convenient for just about any schedule. You just get online and you fill out a short survey and you'll be matched with a licensed therapist. And you can switch therapists at any time for no additional cost. Take off the costumes and take off the masks with BetterHelp.

Visit BetterHelp.com slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Deloney. All right, we are back. Hey, before we go to the next call, my friends at Mind Pump, Justin, Sal, Adam, Doug, the whole gang have the most downloaded fitness podcast on planet earth. And they just put out a three-day virtual course for fitness trainers and coaches

that teaches them how to build their business, sell better and become more effective with their coaching clients. And it first aired a few months ago and over 10,000 people showed up. And now it's available out in the wild, wild west for anybody who wants to become a personal trainer, who is a personal trainer, wants to grow their business.

I trust these guys with me and my family's life. I call them for very specific nutritional information, for exercise information. I use their programs. I worked out with one of their MAPS programs this morning. I trust these guys and you can too. If you're a personal trainer, check them out at mindpumptrainercourse.com. That's mindpumptrainercourse.com. All right, let's go out to Charlotte, North Carolina and talk to Sydney. What's up, Sydney? Hey, Dr. John, how are you? Oh, just reminded me. Hello, Sydney. Scream one. What a great, great movie. That was man. Not a, not a horror person. Don't watch scream movies. So I don't know what that is. That means your, your soul is cleaner than Kelly and mine's. Actually, Kelly's is cleaner than mine too.

But okay, so there's, anyway, hello, Sydney. All right, so what's up? Oh, nothing. I just want to say my husband and I absolutely love your show and I'm really excited and nervous that you took our call. Well, very cool. What's up? So our question is, we just had a baby about 10 months ago

and we're wondering if we should move further away to follow our own desires and happiness or should we stay where we're at for the sake of our current child and future children to be closer to family? Yeah, I always think you should choose personal misery to make the other people in your life happy. Always.

That's a good life plan. No, in fact, the fact that you asked me that question tells me being around family is not super great. No, it is. Um, it's just, it's well, our families are both divorced and, um, my situation is a little bit different than my husband's just because I have some mommy and daddy issues and that's for another call. I know. I just said it's not great and you're like, no, it is.

Everybody's divorced. It's miserable and I've got some issues, but that's what I'm saying. Yeah, pretty much. Yes, I think you should move. What do y'all, like what would moving accomplish for you? Is it a new job, a new adventure? What are you thinking about? Um, so job opportunities, um, for my husband. Um, but really just where we're looking at moving is where me and my husband met kind of where we're like from. And whenever, whenever we

go back, we're always, we come home and we're like, gosh, why did we ever leave? Like, I don't want to like, it's just, we dismiss it. Yeah. How far away is it from where you live now? About four hours. Ah, that's easy. That's easy. That's if you need to, that's a Friday night and y'all can leave Sunday night. And yeah, that's all good. I would pull that trigger. If there's job opportunities and you'll have community there, that's all good. I would pull that trigger. If there's job opportunities and you'll have community there

that's just kind of insta-community and you'll have great memories. You can't lean on those memories. We often run from instead of going to. You know what I mean? Mm-hmm.

Yeah. And especially when you met somebody and it was all oogie-googie and it's like, and everyone's in love and it's gross and I have a kid and jobs. And it's like, we just want to reclaim that feeling. Moving can be a disaster because

you'll show up and realize that y'all went with you. Right. But if you have friends and community and like you got, that's where your gang is. And more importantly, that's where you want to build your life. Um, yeah, dude, I'd say go for it. Go for it. Yeah, we just worry that our family won't necessarily come to us. And it'll always be us having to come to them. Well, hold on. If they don't ever come see you, they're making a choice to opt out of y'all's life. Right.

And they get to make that choice, and you get to be deeply heartbroken about it. Yeah. But that tells you the status of your relationship with them, right? And their willingness to care about you long term, right? Right. And so there is a bit of acknowledging or choosing reality here. Y'all are trying, you have a 10-month-old, you had this picture of, here's what grandparents are going to be, and here's how it's going to all be involved,

and the cousins and everybody, and that's a fantasy. They don't even drive four hours to see you. Right. That sucks. I'm sorry. Yeah. Instead of cheering you on and saying,

oh my gosh, y'all have great opportunities, y'all have tons of friends there, we're going to be so annoying because we're going to come every other weekend. That's not how they're doing it. And I hate that for y'all. Yeah. The sooner that you and your husband can decide,

and I wish it was more complex than this, but you'll have to make a choice that they don't get a vote anymore on the life you're choosing to create, the life that's going to be best fit for y'all right now and then they get to decide if they want to participate in the world y'all are creating because y'all probably have some things y'all want to do differently than how y'all were both raised right 100 there you go so anything y'all choose to do we're not going to do these to do, we're not going to do these kinds of foods. We're not going to do these kinds of activities. We're not going to do, we play with our kids instead of

just having a cigarette on the porch. I'm just making up stuff. But like, anything y'all choose to do differently, some parents go, oh, that's so amazing. I wish we had done that. I'm so proud of y'all. Most don't. Most parents say, oh, I guess I was just the worst mom who ever lived. If, right? Right. You don't need that. No.

That's them opting out. Not you guys kicking them out. See what I'm saying? See the difference? Yeah. Yeah. And sometimes when we, we want to try to have this fake ownership

of the whole thing and we end up squashing job opportunities we squash relationships we squash ourselves to try to please somebody that's never going to be pleased you know what I mean yeah I say move

and by the way if it's a disaster just move back yeah that's what we we keep saying is you know worse comes the worst we get down there and it's not what we imagine and we can always come back and make it what you imagine it yeah what are you imagining um just uh the lifestyle where we want to go is very different than where we currently are like it's more um active friendly more like family friendly just activities and things to do outside that don't cost money are you gonna actually do them yeah go go because you're because what you're

telling me it's not you're it's kind of funny you're talking about reality in the other place and you're living a fantasy at home right now because you want these relationships to cover up the life that you don't really like that you're living right now and that life actually is over there and you can have it but it's going to cost you the fantasy that you've got duct taped together in your current place yeah i'd say move go Go for it. Okay. Go for it. Send us your new address and Kelly will send you a really expensive housewarming gift. She won't, but it's just a funny thing to say.

It's good. No, I'm proud of you. Hey, this is hard. It's hard. There's often a lot of grief. And you've heard me say this a thousand times. I'll often tell folks to write a letter that you will never send. Don't send it. Some people do. Don't send it, but write a letter to your in-laws, write a letter to your parents and step-parents

and let them know we're moving and we're going to miss y'all. And we were hoping this was going to look different. We were hoping this is going to feel different. But we are going to head out on our own and create a new family. We're going to change our family tree and how we treat each other and the jobs and financial decisions that we make. We're going to never, ever consider divorce. We're going to make this thing work. And we're going to fight and scratch and claw for our marriage and for our kids and for our community. And we're going to go do scratch and claw for our marriage and for our kids and for our community. And we're going to go do it over here. And here's what visiting us and loving us will look like.

And we hope you'll join us. And we're also understanding that we can't control what you'll do. But you write that letter and get it all out, and it will be probably filled with tears. But you'll get done, and you'll feel lighter. It's not your job to carry their mess anymore. You're a new mom. You're a wife. Your husband's a dad now. Ew, you kissed a dad. But that's y'all's world now. And go build

something rad. Go build something rad. We're cheering you on every step of the way. We'll be right back. Hey, what's up? Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious or burned out or chronically stressed at some point. In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life. Get your copy today at johndeloney.com. All right, we are back. Kelly, we have to discuss this.

It's important. Okay, so I guess this was on the podcast that went out today. No, before this. We have to just talk about the whole picture. Oh, about our interactions. Yes. Okay, so for all of you that listen, you know that John gives me perpetual crap

about everything. Agree to disagree, but continue. My non-existent tattoos to my non-existent drinking problem to my very non-existent drug problem. All sorts of things. Gas things gas light yes they burn very bright around here first of all i need to say i'm okay people i so appreciate all of the emails and the comments we get about is kelly okay is kelly she must be so sad all the time. I'm fine. We're good.

This is our relationship. This is how we show love. We give crap to each other just back and forth. Kelly just gives me mine in my headphones and she can push a button and y'all can't hear it. I'm good. I promise you I'm not about to cry on the show. I don't

really cry, which is a zone therapy session. No soul. But I'm fine. But we got so many comments about it that finally one of the guys that runs like the podcast analytics and stuff here, he was like, hey, we're getting a lot of comments about this. So I'm going to stop. So John and I had a conversation the other day. I was like, hey. And it was a weird conversation for me to have.

Well, you were crying really hard. Yeah. Remember, see previous comment. You had two Kleenex boxes. You were double fisting Kleenex. You had one in each hand. It was awkward because I had to go to him and say, hey, I've got this thing, but it's not an issue for me because it's not, but people have

an issue with it. It was just a weird conversation to have. So I'm, A, to everyone, I'm apologizing. I do give Kelly a lot of grief. And Kelly's my good friend. And we take this show seriously. And we just, everybody's clowning on each other. The HR director here just says, like, he doesn't cross this threshold.

And also, y'all get one side of it and i know there are people out there who have people in their life that poke and make fun of them and they're not playing and it's not funny and so i do get that i get that yeah and i hope y'all know that if it ever went to a point that bothered me as soon as the show was over i would be in there saying hey this was too far this was too much not even that like you listen to so many murder podcasts i would just be dead. You would, we would be in a more show. They would never find my body.

Yeah. So, I mean, but if anything ever did hurt my feelings, I would say something, and of course John would feel horrible. I mean, it would, but it's not ever done in that vein. Well, and you'll have to know, she does not have feelings.

He's not wrong. They don't, they don't exist, right? They do. I can't even, I can't help it. I'm not a big feelings person. I'm working on it. I'm the one who cries and gets all emotional. I don't. Um, but then we got an email today from the podcast that came out today. And the person said something was actually complimentary about our relationship and how they loved it and everything. But then they said that, that I dropped a hint that, or somewhere there was a hint that Kelly's leaving the show.

And we're so sad to hear that, blah, blah, blah. I'm not going anywhere. Kelly, this is probably when we should have a talk. Yeah, if I get back and there's a box on my desk, I guess I'll know, but I'm not planning to leave. So just if anybody else heard that, I don't know what the hint was. I have to go back and listen.

I think I whispered, she's going to get fired. I have to go back and listen. I think I whispered, she's going to get fired. I have no idea what it was. No. But no, Kelly's ride or die, dude. We're here to stay. I actually got a promotion the other day, so. You're welcome.

And John said some very lovely things. I'll just have you all know. Yeah. I'll just leave it at that. Yes, so to everybody listening, thank you for caring about Kelly it makes my heart feel good and she's my friend and one day I am going to read all the things that she sends me

and then everyone will be like oh okay the world has been rebalanced love you guys stay in school don't do drugs be nice to each other.