The Dr. John Delony Show - I Know I Should Cut Ties With My Parents but I Feel Guilty

Episode Date: January 3, 2022

Are you ready for today’s show? We’re talking to a pregnant mom who feels guilty because she’s disappointed about having another boy, a couple who isn’t enjoying living with their unstable brother-in-law, and a woman who wants to cut ties with her convict parents but doesn’t know how. Am I allowed to grieve the fact that I’m pregnant with a boy instead of a girl? My brother-in-law lives with us and it's been a nightmare I know I should cut ties with my parents but I feel guilty Lyrics of the Day: "All Too Well (10 Minute Version) (Taylor's Version) (From The Vault)" - Taylor Swift Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show. Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp DreamCloud Churchill Mortgage Resources: Questions for Humans Conversation Cards Redefining Anxiety Quick Read John’s Free Guided Meditation Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.

On today's show, we talk to an expecting mom who wants a daughter, but she's having a son. We talk to a woman whose brother-in-law is moving in to her home and her new marriage. We talk to a guy who's dealing with family trauma and needs to separate from his parents. Stay tuned. Happy New Year's. What's up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. It's 2022.

And what's so weird is we may already be dead, but we've recorded this show, and it's out into the ether. Whatever is going to happen at the end of 21 has already happened by the time this is out. I don't know if that's weird, but if you're on psychedelics right now, this just got to be an incredibly dope show. But, probably most of you aren't. Most of you are like getting your kids ready for school or whatever

because this is not that cool of a show. So, I'm so glad you're with us. If you want to be on the show, we talk about mental health, relationships, about dealing with trauma, about what in the world's going on with school and politics,

just mad, whatever's going on in the madness in your universe, we're here to walk alongside you. I'd love you to be on the show. JohnDeloney.com slash ask. Fill out the form. It goes to Kelly.

She decides if you can be on the show. JohnDeloney.com slash ask. Fill out the form. It goes to Kelly. She decides if you can be on the show or not. And you can give us a shout. If you want to call, leave a message. Old school, 1985 style. 1-844-693-3291. That's 1-844-693-3291. Happy New Year's, James.

Happy New Year, John. That sounded like you meant it. I did. As much as I can mean it for the fact that it's not even December yet when we're recording. That's so crazy. We're speaking into the future. Mary, did you get everything you wanted for Christmas? I did.

I got that new car with the bow on top. That's so weird. I don't even know if I got what I wanted for Christmas yet. But we have to pretend. Oh, well. That's cool. Let's go to Abby in Montgomery, Alabama got What I wanted for Christmas yet But we have to pretend Oh well That's cool Let's go to Abby In Montgomery, Alabama

What's up Abby? How we doing? Doing well How are you? Remarkable Hey you got to hear me Botch the intro The first time

It's cool man Yes I did I hope it makes The final cut I assure you it won't James isn't that kind of producer But it will make the That is. James isn't that kind of producer. But it will make the... That is true.

I'm not that kind of... It wasn't great. So what's up, Abby? How can I help? Hey, well, so I guess the short question is I found out last week that we are having another boy. This will be our last pregnancy because I had some medical complications between the first

and the second one. And I was just kind of wondering how to process the fact that I'm not going to have a girl and all that entails. I'm really excited about another boy. I'm much better at being a boy mom than I feel like I would be a girl mom. And everything that I'm kind of like processing right now is stuff that won't happen for the next 20 years. But it kind of hit me hard like last week when, I guess because I didn't know that I wanted a girl. But then again, like I'm really happy that I have a boy too. Yeah.

How many kids do you have? We need to do that. I have one that just turned four. So you got one that just turned four and then this is number two? Yep, I'm 18 weeks along. So can we just celebrate for a second? Way to go. Congratulations.

Way to go. I mean, that's awesome. This is a miracle baby for sure because we had a lot of medical complications in between the first and the second one. Very cool. And so I hear people say, I wish I had a girl, and it's a 20-year thought. The idea being girls just daughters take care of their parents better than sons do is that your thinking

yes so I'm one of four I'm one of four I have two brothers and one sister and without a doubt I can yes I have some thoughts on that but we'll save that for a second.

Let me write a note to myself. So how much of this, like what's in your soul right now, is pregnancy-related versus gender-related? Here's what I mean by that. I haven't not met a woman yet. And I know they exist. And so don't be mean to me on the internets, women. But most of the women, all the women I've met,

even if they've got kid five, kid seven, whatever, the day they decide this is it, is hard. It's a hard season. Or is this no, like this is all about, I wish I had a daughter. I'm going to go with probably just wish I had a daughter. I am,

in my friend group, we joke that I'm the least maternal person in the group. Like most moms are like, oh, I can't, I don't want my babies to leave. And I'm like, I'm training these kids to go out.

Like, bye. So, I think it's just the fact that. I love you like, I'm training these kids to go out, like, bye. So I think it's just the fact that. I love you're training the ones not even born yet. You're like, already. Well, I mean. I love it. It is what it is.

Yes, it's just. All right. So I will say I can't speak into this directly because I've never been pregnant. What I can speak into is this. I did have a picture of what my family would look like. And I don't even know where that picture came from. It's probably one of the pictures I was born into, which is my culture said, this is about how many kids you should have. And by the way, weirdly, this is what they should look like. Nobody ever said this is what your kids should look like, but there's just enough pictures of kids that I just start to think this is what they should look like.

And then there was pictures in my head of me and my girlfriend at the time, and now wife, or other girlfriends I had, or my parents, or brothers and sisters. We just talked about it. The family I have now looks very different than the ones that were in my pictures. They were in the stories. And it sounds like a weird thing, a weird word, but I'm just taking

it back. You got to just grieve what you thought was going to happen and that didn't happen. Right. Right. And then most stop there. I'm just going to wallow in it. And you know, I know there are moms, bajillions of them and dads who blame their kid. Let them know. I always wanted a girl or you are the accident or you are that whatever. My little brother still refers to himself as the great accident, right? I'm the mistake. So, I mean, I can feel that. There's 17 years between me and my oldest brother. I see.

And I hate that. That's in your soul. You know what I mean? And it is. They told you that. And you can do math. You know how math works. It's mostly my siblings telling me that my mom and dad do.

Exactly. Siblings are brutal. All I have to say is this. I want to give you permission to go, I want a girl. And I'm not going to have one. I'm not going to have old dresses. I'm not going to have pigtails. I'm not going to whatever.

Like, whatever the thing is. Unless your boys have pigtails, unless'm not going to whatever. Like whatever the thing is. Unless your boys have pigtails, unless your boys wear dresses, and that's another call for another show. But like I'm not going to have that. I'm not going to have when they get older, I'm going to have to deal with my boys and whatever. I want you to grieve that, okay? You have permission to sit down and be sad about that.

Not forever, not worth debilitating, but sit down and own that. That could look like you writing a letter to yourself or to the daughter you're not going to have or to your future, whatever. So whatever that looks like, however you need to agree that I want you just to take some time and own it. What does your husband think? Did he want a daughter too? He wanted a daughter from the first baby. So he, um, yeah, he's, he's always wanted a girl, but we just, our families pretty much just have boys. So, I mean, it wasn't surprising, but it was just kind of like, kind of hit me all at once. Like all these things down the road that

are just like not going to happen. And I guess I worry about being clingy to like when they finally do leave and not being a good mother-in-law when they get married and things like that. Okay, so I want you and your husband to agree that together. Make it a thing. Okay. And talk about it out loud. The secret that you wished that your son had been his daughter will haunt him. Don't do that to him. Speak it.

Okay. Let it out. By not speaking it, we think we're hiding it and we're getting away with it and we're not. Then the second thing is this. Raise your boys to be hospitable and to love their parents and to be people of character and to notice things and to take care. You have an opportunity to train them into what love looks like demonstrably. And you have a, one of my wife's grand plans is to teach our son how to pick a spouse that is, is good as a good person.

She wants to, she's got a picture in her head where she and her daughter-in-law are, are friends. They're connected. It's something like they get, get along. They are a part of the same gang. And I think that think those conversations start early

with how do you pick girlfriends and how do you pick somebody that you're romantically interested in? How do you do all that? You get to speak into that. And the meta here for me is this. You're worrying about stuff that's not going to happen for decades.

I know. Is that just you, how you roll? Yes. That is 100% me. Like one small thing happens in my brain, you know, 10, 20, 30 years down the road going, oh, man. You're going to miss out on a lot of life living like that. Yeah. And so can I offer you one more Piece of wisdom

You get to choose This sounds crazy You get to choose your thoughts You get to choose them Now we don't get to choose the lightning bolts The ones that pop in our head The one that's We're not going to have a daughter

And then it pops in Oh my gosh I'm going to be taken care of When I'm old by two idiot boys. You can't stop that one. The next thought is on you. The next thought to go, oh my gosh, then what's going to happen? And then I need to start planning for this. But all of that is you. It's a choice. And it's something that we practice. And over time, those default settings, the down the spirals, the 20 years, oh my gosh, what's going to happen? All of that stuff, you practice, you choose. I'm not going to go down that road anymore. I'm not going to try to control 20 years from now.

I'm going to make good choices today. I'm going to follow the process. And then in 20 years, I'm going to deal with what's going on 20 years. I'm going to save my money today. I'm going to teach my boys how to love. I'm going to show them how to love. I'm going to show them via loving their dad. I'm going to make it so hard. The picture they have of what an awesome wife, what an awesome partner is, I'm going to show them so much. Our marriage is going to be so good that those boys are going to be like, oh my gosh, they're going to set the bar high. And you and your husband are going to live that out. Like, man, you get to decide all that. And then 20 years from now, they bring home some knucklehead. Solve that then, right? Enjoy your life now. But going back to your

original thing, I'm giving you permission to be sad. Okay. I'm giving you permission, you and your husband, go out, get breakfast together, go to Cracker Barrel and eat too much and be sad about it. And then you're going to have to work out hard to get rid of that nonsense that you just tortured your body. And I want you all to be about loving this little boy. Recklessly loving this little boy. Let this little boy know that he is a miracle.

Our family would not be the same without him. Hey man, you got an adventure ahead of you and I'm excited for you. We'll be right back on the Dr. John Delaney Show. All right, we are back. We're staying in Alabama. Let's go to Tiffany in Huntsville. Hey, what's up, Tiffany?

Hey, John. How's it going? We are partying. How about you? Busy day, taking a little moment off from work. Good for you. Good for you. If you want to, let's take a long moment.

We can just make this call, 50 minutes. You can curl up under the desk. We can just chit-chat. Sound good? Okay, sounds good. Excellent. So what's up? So my husband and I got married in January.

And here recently, my mother-in-law has decided that she is moving necessarily, you know, kicking us, you know, kicking them our way, but, um, placing us in charge of his care. Um, so nothing that is diagnosed that we have paperwork for, or nothing that we have, um, any medical understanding of, honestly, and that is where we've fell in this really awkward position of, do we treat him like an adult or do we treat him like he has some sort of special needs? They are under the impression that he has high-functioning autism, he has a job as a security person for a bank, but he is not functioning. As far as his finances, he is very unstable. He does very frivolous things. He can barely pay for his food.

He lives with us. We actually bought a huge house so that we could enable him because I do have two kids as well. So there's a lot to it, but we don't know how to move forward without hindering the rest of our marriage or without, like, we want to help him, but we also don't want to further enable him like he has been for the last 37 years. If he is just an enabled individual who has an excuse, essentially. Yeah. So how long have you been married? Nine, 10, 11 months. Your marriage is in trouble, isn't it?

You're tired. You're tired already. No, we're definitely not tired. Not we. What about you? I'm not. I have a very toxic family history, so I'm... This is nothing.

This is easy. 37-year-old dude, move in. We're good. Okay. We bought a whole house, and we have a whole house full of people. Okay. We enable veterans to live with us, and that's a whole different situation. But with him, it is very much a we don't know, and we don't have the tools to know if there's a way of going about do we get him medically diagnosed and how does that look like?

Or do we enable him to be an adult and then look at the possibility of him continuing on these really negative patterns with his finances and then us going through and having to deal with the repercussions of his brother not financially taking care of himself and being young in our marriage, you know, that would be a lot for us to handle. That's right. So whether he has special needs or not, you and your husband have to decide we are not going to participate in him living a less than life. And his parents, his mom, his dad, whoever has facilitated in him either not getting the care that he needs to be successful, the accommodations, the mental health care, the physical care, the physical therapy, the training that he needs, or, which I think is borderline

abusive, or they have just allowed a child to morph and slovenly grow into a 37-year-old dependent. Right. Either way, you'll have to decide we're out of that game. So that's where it becomes really difficult on us because his mom is... So, hey, here's the deal. It's not difficult. It's not difficult.

Okay, got it. It's hard, but it's not difficult. Right. Okay? Mom's out of the picture now. She doesn't get a vote. She doesn't get a choice. She's moving.

Right. So her influence here is over completely. Done. And if she's giving money, I'd give her money back. It's not worth it. You moved, you dropped your 37-year-old challenge on us. Fine, you're done. We are people who practice hospitality as a way of life. That's who you and your husband are. You serve veterans, you serve those in your community. You got your own kids. Great. Mom's out.

And she can kick and scream. And he needs, your husband needs to suck it up and have a hard conversation with mom. My guess is he doesn't have that conversation. We've had, we recently over the weekend had a conversation with her that it's either one path or the other. He's either disabled and we're going to take guardianship over him. And that's going to be the end because he's reached a point that he's morbidly obese, like, and he's using his depression to enable him further and doing death threats towards his mom. And she had a child commit suicide 10 years ago. So she's already in a

very difficult spot, which makes it harder for us to, to be the hard love in the family. But listen, somebody has to stop the madness. It sounds like it was a trauma, trauma filled home. Is that fair? Yes. Your husband grew up in hell, really, right? Yes. Yeah. And there's probably all kinds of physical and psychological things going on with brother. Yes. What y'all can do is you can't save him. He's got to have to make some choices at some point. What you can do is put him in a position to be successful. And that starts exactly conversation you had and you all had the initial one and now you're gonna have a putting your foot down one either we are going to become guardians of somebody with special with an adult with special needs we're going to get all the resources that we need along those lines we're

going to get him the the health care that he needs that mom, have not gotten him for 37 freaking years. For whatever reason, I don't blame her. I don't know what her world was like. Who knows? What we're dealing with is today. And he's going to have to be a part of some solutions.

What he has to understand is sitting at home and just continuing to slowly take his own life is not an option. Right. And that might mean that he packs up and leaves y'all. And y'all have to be prepared for that. But he's a 37 year old man.

We would, we would be, we would be okay with that. Oh, thank God. That'd be great. Yeah. Yeah. Our fear. I mean, our, just our fear with that is that, you know, he has had his own house or his own apartment for a stint, and she just came over and did his laundry, and she made sure his bills were paid.

And if he were to leave the house at this point, then we would be concerned that he wouldn't make those things happen because he has a massive internet addiction as well. Of course. I mean, he spent over $30,000 in the last year just on things that he shouldn't be, and we're at a loss for credit. Here's the thing. He is in the ocean waving his arm for help, and the people who love him just keep putting their foot on his head.

Right. And that just gets to stop with y'all. Okay. You have to know taking a 37 year old who has been babied in this way or neglected in this way, either one of those two things is going to be incredibly hard to change. Agreed. Real, real hard. And you throw in major depression,

you throw in internet addiction, you throw in loneliness, you throw in mom's enabling nonsense, you throw in obesity. You're talking the comorbid effects here are powerful, exponential. They're hard. And it's a long haul, real long haul.

So I'm just painting a realistic picture. This is not going to be like a real good, hard weekend conversation. You're talking about some major shifts. Can he do it? I'm telling you right now, he can. Absolutely. Do anything he wants to. Right.

But what I want you and your husband to do is to get away together, go have a long meal, and I say this all the time, but go get a long meal, and you become resolute together. Absolutely. Y'all get lockstep. This is what our triggers will be when he's out. You're moving out of our house. I don't care where you're going. Or you're going to go to get this psychiatric workup. You're going to go get an ABA workup. You're going to go do whatever we like, get a physical workup or you're gone.

You're out of our home because we're not going to participate in your death. Absolutely. That, that totally makes sense. Is that cool? And then, then you and your husband are on the same page There's no mixed signals There's no, well, I thought we were doing this Nope, we have outlined this sucker Absolutely We're the same way with most things in life So that totally fits our MO

I love it I Yeah Just the Gross abuse that's been done to this man. It just sucks. We just don't want to continue on the same road for the next 40 years of our life. Absolutely, yeah, of course. And, hey, how old are your kids?

They're six and eight. They're going to watch every second of this. Absolutely. Every second. And by the way, did you grow up in a hard home too? Yes, absolutely. You and your husband got your own trauma work. Do y'all got to deal with, is that fair?

Oh, yes. Will you commit to that? Well, I have, I mean, we're both veterans, so we're both, we're both in therapy, so we're good. But you're committed to it? Absolutely. So good. So good.

Can I just back out 30,000 feet and just look at you in the eyes, even though we're on the internets here, I'm talking on the phone? I just tell you I'm grateful for you. Thank you. Our community needs more people like you in it. Thank you. I appreciate that. And finding that balance between

hospitality and enabling is hard. That's a hard line to walk. When do you give somebody a meal? And when do you give somebody a kick in the booty and say, go get them, right? That's hard. And y'all navigate that every day by inviting people into your home. Fair? Absolutely. Yeah. Well, I'm so grateful. Most people sit there, spend their whole life on the sidelines, and y'all have chosen to get in the messy middle of that. But that does not work if the two captains aren't well. Right. Absolutely.

Got it? Yes. You're going to love this knuckleheaded husband of yours until the wheels fall off? Yes. You're going to dedicate y'all's lives to each other? Absolutely. And y'all going to not lose intimacy because your house is loud and crazy? God, no.

Yes. I love it. I love it. No. No. No. And you're going to love those two little ones? Absolutely.

And you're not going to let that 37-year-old just die? No, we're not. Good. The world needs more people like Tiffany. Thank you so much for being the person that you are. I'm grateful, grateful, grateful for you. Now you got a mission. You got a new mission.

You had one in the service, and now you got a new one. And it is rad. Good for you. Strength. Day after day, same page, clarity. Working through it. So grateful for you, Tiffany. Hey, walk with, I'll walk with you.

I was gonna say you walk with me. I'll walk with you. Call me back after y'all have these hard conversations. I'd love to know how the doctor appointment works out. If he chooses to go, I'd love to know how mom comes hollering back. Because it's gonna happen. I wanna know how mom comes hollering back, because it's going to happen. I want to know how all that goes because we're going to walk alongside you

as you make some major changes in your lives and as you get this brother of yours and your husband's on his own two feet again and change every square inch of his life. 2022 is going to be big for Tiffany and family. We'll be right back on the Dr. John Deloney Show. It seems like everybody's talking about how crazy the housing market is right now and how powerless homebuyers feel. Mix that with the stress of moving and life change and job change, and you've got a tornado

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edge today. All right, we are back. Hey, we got a follow-up email and then we'll take one more call. This email is from Angela and she was on the show March 31st, 2021, show number 91. And here's what she writes. I called a while back about my 12-year-old daughter in competitive gymnastics. He asked me to contact you and let you know how things went,

so I'm doing just that. And if you remember, I want you to go back and listen to that call. March 31st, 2021, episode 91. Parents were wondering how hard do we push our kids in athletics? We don't want them to grow up to be quitters or be wimps or whatever, but we also don't want to be those parents. How do we find that balance? She writes, what happened was amazing. She started talking. She told us about the joy and struggles gymnastics gave her. We talked about what she wants from the sport.

She came up with a plan and a goal, and we were along for the ride. She decided to go from four days, which was 16 to 20 hours a week in the gym, to three days, 12 to 14 hours in the gym per week. She accepted the invitation to join the new junior high accelerated math program and took an elective called social awareness. What? Math and social awareness? You're raising a laser.

Social awareness has been an amazing opportunity for my little planner. The class allows for the students to see things in school and the community, even in the country that they would like to change and have or have an impact on and make it happen. She came up with ideas, plans and executes them. And so far the class has held a hurricane relief supply drive, planned a trick or treat for the kindergarten class, helped read with second graders and have many more plans in the works. They're doing amazing things.

I wish they offered the class all year long. She's happy and talks all the time about what's going on in her life and what she wants to do and how she's feeling. She's the only seventh grader I know that openly hugs her mom in front of the whole cafeteria before heading off to class for the day. Thank you for your advice.

Angela, thank you and your husband for choosing love and connection over the scholarship, childhood scholarship program where we just torture our kids. Good for you. Because here's the thing. We create this false dichotomy where either I've got to dominate and crush and disabore on our kids through athletics, or they're going to turn into this slovenly, wimpy, character-free knuckleheads. And what you saw here is, no, she's got a foundation.

And y'all told her, you're going to do something. You're going to participate in some things. You got to choose, but you're going to participate. You're not just going to come home and do nothing. And then y'all backed off and let this seventh grader that y'all have raised to be hardworking and a person of character, you let her begin to speak into her story. Not by herself because she's in seventh grade.

She's too young to be writing her own story. But you hand her the pen and then y'all set some guide rails. And wouldn't you know it, she joined the math, the accelerated math program. What are you, who? Gosh, I would have tried to join that program and they would have said,

here's a fun game, get out. And she's serving her community. She's still working hard in physical activity. Good for you guys. Good for you guys. Good for you guys. And the most important thing here is y'all have created an environment where she trusts you and she's talking to you. And when

she does something dumb, which she will do, you are going to be the first person she thinks to contact. You're creating a system of trust in your home. Good for you. Good for you. Good for you. And for everybody out there, I'm all about athletics. I make my kids, my kids have to participate. They have to move their body. That's a part of life. I think competition teaches incredible lessons. It's a gift. They got to work hard.

They have to work as a team. They got to see that you put in the work today for results tomorrow. All that's important. And I'm not living vicariously through my kid. Their victory is not my victory. Their victory is not my victory. Their loss is not my loss. It's both and. It's both and.

All right, let's take one more call. Let's go to Eli in Albany, New York. What's up, Eli? Dr. D, thank you for taking my call. I appreciate it. You got it, brother. What's up, man? It's an honor to talk to you.

Thank you. It's an honor to talk to you. I was afraid this was going to be Eli Manning. He's always trying to call in to get on the show. Like, man, I'm not going to talk to another quarterback, former quarterback for the NFL. I can't let it go. Thank God it's not. It's you, Eli. So cool. What's up? Well, I'm trying to decide whether I should split talking to my parents. All right. So tell me about it. Well, so my parents moved out of, out of the area from where I live a while ago and we've had a pretty turbulent relationship, you know, through my teen years and growing up. What does that mean? Well, my, my parents split when I was a young teen. My father,

he had a hard time. He was bipolar, I think. I mean, he was never diagnosed, but physically and verbally abusive. And so they separated. And then I tried to form a relationship with my dad while they were separated. When I moved out and started my life, they wound up getting back together. I was the youngest of three biological, and they moved away. And it was always a little bit strange. It was a little bit off. You know, my parents tend to really kind of talk about

themselves and what's going on with themselves. And we're never really too concerned about what's going on with us. And a couple of years ago, I have some adopted brothers and one of my brothers passed away. And when we went to go see him, my parents were acting a little strange about it. And they wound up, um, getting arrested for, for, um, my, the wrongful death of my brother. And they wound up going to jail while the court case was going on. And I wrote a couple of letters, but I never, I never mailed them. I just, it was just so much, it was so much. I, when I spoke to my dad, he wasn't honest about what had happened. So I, I didn't know what to do. I wrote some letters. I never, I never mailed them. They wrote some

letters to me. I never opened them. I said. I still just have them put away. And when they came out of, when they came out of bail, they wound up settling and, and doing, you know, parole and, and all this stuff. But it was, what was fractured got even worse. Um, they kind of felt betrayed by me. And so now my, my older two siblings don't speak to them at all at all and have no problem with it and i just feel so guilty like uh like i i want to try and honor my parents and i know you say always choose guilt over resentment yeah or choose uh that's right that's right you know i every time i try, I tried setting boundaries. Like, look, let's not talk about my siblings. I'm calling you because I want you to have a relationship with me and my children.

But they don't have a relationship with my children. I tried putting them on the phone to talk to my children and they didn't really care to. My mom still says my youngest daughter's name improperly. How old are you, brother? I am 41. Did your parents kill your younger brother? I believe that they were older and neglect, that they made mistakes. That was what it wound up sounding like. All of your language, brother, somehow, some, some way.

You became the person who apologizes for your parents. You're the person that makes sure that the world knows. I know, but there's this other thing I I know, but that's been your job. And it may have been with your siblings, may have been with your community, may have been in your own home. When dad was raged out and you're explaining it away to brothers and whatever,

I need you to hear me say, Eli, it's not your job. The stories that you were born into, you were born into some hard stories about what love looks like, about what parents are supposed to look like, about what blamed connection looks like, all those things. And you were told some crappy stories too about what you were worth, what your job was, all that stuff. And somehow over, happens to all of us,

the stories you were born into, the stories you were told have become the stories you tell yourself. This is my job. I've got to do this. I've got to do this. I have to do that. And Eli, let me free you from it, brother.

It's not your job. What I want you to do that. And Eli, let me free you from it, brother. It's not your job. What I want you to do is to live in the reality that your parents, they weren't who you needed them to be. Can you own that? Yes. Can you say that? I. Can you say that? I want you to say that out loud.

My parents weren't what I needed them to be. And they continue to not be what I need them to be. And they continue to not be what I need them to be. And I need you to sit in that for a minute, because that is reality. That's reality. They don't care to even learn your daughter's name. They got out of jail after neglectfully contributing to the death of one of your brothers and blamed you for your attitude.

And somehow being the young brother, being the guy in the middle, whatever the thing is, this is all compressed like a vertebrae in your soul that this is your responsibility. And brother, it's not. Tell me about your kids. I have four amazing kids. How old are they my oldest uh 12 10 8 and 6 dude incredible man boys girls uh i have three girls and a boy my oldest you're in it now

reminds me my oldest reminds me so much of of my mom in the sense that she's creative and she loves to make things and she likes to knit and create art. And I've always felt like if I just tried hard enough, I could make a connection for my kids. You can't. And I hate to be the guy that tells you that. Here's the thing. You know that. But I want to also high five you, man. And I'd hug you if you're standing here, because you've been working hard to find any way possible to connect

with two people who should have connected with you from day one, and they didn't. And it's not your job. Not only is it not your job, you can't do it. It's like trying to plug out like an extension cord into a wall. If there's no plug there, man, there's nowhere for it to go. You've been working so hard and your kids became

they became your lifeline. Maybe if one of my kids kind of, like maybe that'll be, and again, you're just grabbing different extension cords trying to shove it in the same wall. There's no plug over there, man. Your kids won the lottery getting you as their dad.

Do you hear me say that? Yes. Your childhood was hard, wasn't it? Yes. You're a tough New Yorker your childhood was hard, wasn't it? Yes. You're a tough New Yorker, and you know what things you say out loud and what things stay inside our house. I get that.

Your childhood's hard, right? Yeah. You experienced some stuff? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Are your kids going to experience any of that nonsense? No, no, no.

We have a, we have a happy home. I have a wonderful wife, a great, you know, great church community. I've had people step in to, to be that older, you know, older people who are like grandparents. Yes. Now you got, you got one last person. Eli. And you have made your life's mission making sure your wife is loved

and making sure those kids do not experience anything like what you went through. And you've done the hard gut-wrenching work of replacing parents who left you spiritually and psychologically they showed up and i actually think there's some there's some pretty compelling work that suggests that's more damaging makes things kids makes kids things are nuts they're crazy because mom and dad are in the house but mom and dad are violent or mom and dad are nuts or they're loud are they

neglectful and it's easier for kids kid just, if someone's separate sometimes. That's a whole other call though. You've made everybody else a priority, my brother. And that is noble and good and right. The last person you got to deal with is Eli.

Is that guy worthy of love? Yes. You don't believe that though, man. Is that guy worthy of love? Yes You don't believe that though man I feel I feel like Everything you're saying is 100% spot on Irrational and yet there's this part of me That feels like a failure that I can't fix

That's it that's it that's what I'm telling you You gotta unhook from that Here's the You know the letter I want you to write It's to 7 year old Eli Cause that kid experienced Bullcrap And that Eli

Is still trying to get Mom and dad to love him And 41 year old Eli has a lot bigger body. You're a lot hairier. You're not like an Albany dude, like a big, thick gold chain, are you? Yeah, that's me. Oh, my gosh. All right, I'll give it to you.

So you're just strutting through Albany, big chain, everything. Seven-year-old Eli's still driving. Still asking, why don't they like me? Yeah. Why won't he just sit down and say, I'm proud of you, boy? Why won't she just grab both sides of my face

and give me a grody kiss on my forehead and say, I love you, Eli? Why won't they do that? And you're going to make yourself crazy trying to solve that question because it's not yours to solve. Go ahead, brother. I'm sorry. So when, like, they called, like, they called for my birthday,

this past birthday I had in October, to let me know that they were splitting up. Like, they called on my birthday to tell me that. I mean, do I just, like, not answer the phone, not answer texts, put them on call block? I don't, I mean, how does it practically look? You tell me. Do I, do I, is there a confrontation? You tell me. It sounds like your older siblings went with the no contact route.

Yes. I don't want you all in our life. Fair. That's the boundary they had to draw for whatever reason. And maybe they experienced more nonsense, more evil than you did. Who knows? Or they have, whatever. They didn't feel like it was their responsibility to heal dysfunctional, hurting older people. They just said, dude, we're going to live our lives.

If you can hear that, get that kind of phone call and roll your eyes and be like, cool, happy birthday to y'all too. And you can hang up and smile and be like, my gosh, and move on. Great. If you can hang up and smile and be like my gosh and move on great if you can't don't i'm not gonna set your boundaries for you is what i'm saying yeah i don't believe in ghosting i think there is something profound and strong about being clear and simple and direct with, hey, mom, y'all don't even know my daughter's name. Y'all don't even visit. You called to tell me about your divorce on my birthday.

You all demonstrate that y'all have better things going on in your life than me and my four incredible kids. Y'all's lost, not ours. And I wish y'all the best. And that's the end of that conversation no explaining no that simple clear facts are your friends period at the end of the sentence or okay you know i'm saying like and dude got to grieve the bloody hell out of this. Because you've never sat down and said this might, like you've been propping up this myth for so long.

And you thought the myth was your responsibility to make sure it all worked. Yeah. And it's not. Your responsibility is making sure those four kids are loved. Your responsibility is making sure your wife is honored and loved. Your responsibility is making sure you're loved. And that you're well. Absolutely.

And that you're whole. Is that fair? Yes. You take care of your body. Get a smaller chain, brother, for real. And, but, you know what I mean? Like, that's what you were responsible for. Yeah.

And you're responsible for your own healing. And that starts with stop, stop re-injuring yourself. Stop allowing yourself to be cut and cut and cut and cut. But I can't make your boundaries for you. My recommendation is, have you ever sat down and asked your wife what her dream boundary would be?

My wife would prefer that I didn't talk to my parents because whenever I do, I feel terrible after. Listen to your wife. That woman loves you. She chose you out of all the knuckleheads with big chains walking up and down the eastern seaboard. She chose you yeah right and often yeah if we if we find a good partner they they see our blind spots better than we do yeah absolutely and there may come a time brother when you've healed enough that you can enter back into that blizzard of nonsense and be fine.

But maybe it's just not right now. Maybe you need a break for a couple of years to heal, make sure you are on two solid feet. And then you are anchored into your new community, to your family, to your friends in that area, to the guys that come over and help you fix your car at 10 o'clock after the kids are in bed. Yeah. You know what I mean?

You know, John, it feels like I had done that where I separated. I went through a program called Suburban Recovery. I went through a lot of the healing in the past. It's like they have it's like they know the backdoor codes of me.

You've kept a backdoor open. Close it. Don't give them that power, Eli. They don't have it. They only have that power because you keep handing it to them. You haven't changed the code. And that code, changing that code is hard. And it might mean i'm blocking you from everything or it might mean like you know what i mean i don't have this if you don't it can look any

number of ways but you keep you you just keep one line in the water just in case they bite just in case that one day they're gonna call and and be like, what have we done? We want to meet our four miraculous grandkids. And God Almighty, Eli, of all the crap we put you through, you've turned out to be the most amazing father, a dad that I never could have been to for you. And that conversation is not going to happen. Is that fair? Yeah.

It's heartbreaking, right? That's the hard part. Yeah, that's the hard part. They haven't seen three of them before, my kids. Never met them or hugged them. And that's not a statement about you. It's not a statement about your kids. It's a statement about them.

They treated seven-year-old Eli that way because something was going on inside of them, not inside of Eli. And your kids will never, ever be that validation for your parents, my brother, ever. But I will. And your community will. And your wife will.

And your friends will. So going back to the very beginning of this call, I told you I needed you to say out loud, yeah, we're not there for me. You know, we're not the parents that I need. I need you to sit in that grief, write another letter. Don't mail it. There's no reason to mail it. You're just trying to get it out and get some perspective, create some distance between you and those feelings that feel like you're going to drown. Get some perspective, some distance there. Write your parents a letter about

your four kids. Tell them what they're missing. Our daughter, she's an incredible artist. Our son is a he's got a small, small gold chain, but he's moving up to the big one soon. Whatever it is, don't ever mail it, but let it out. And then I do want you to write a letter to your younger Eli self and let that boy off the hook, man. He needs to go play.

Seven-year-old should be having fun. They should be having adventures, doing hard things. Not trying to make sure their parents don't hurt them. Not trying to make sure their parents' marriage stays together. Not trying to make sure their parents don't hurt them. Not trying to make sure their parents' marriage stays together. Not trying to make sure their parents don't kill their younger brother. Maybe one of the braver calls I've received in a long time, Eli. Thank you so much for having the courage to call. I'm grateful for you, my brother.

So grateful. All right, man, as we wrap up today's show, let's see here. Kelly's out. Jenna is running the phones. And I said, Jenna, you get to pick the song today. And this is what she brought me. Taylor Swift's song, From the Vault.

All Too Well. 10-minute version. Taylor's version, From the Vault. All Too Well. 10-minute version. Taylor's version, From the Vault. And it's 117 pages long. Buckle up, audience. We're going through the whole thing. Nice try. Nice try, Jenna. Taylor, who's our neighbor, she lives right over here, Jenna Taylor, who's our neighbor She lives right over here She writes I walked to the door with you The air was cold

But something about it felt like home somehow And I left my scarf there at your sister's house Oh my gosh Is this one of those about the boy? I'd hate to be this boy And you've still got it in your drawer even now. Oh, your sweet disposition and my wide-eyed gaze. We're singing in the car, getting lost,

upstate autumn leaves falling down like pieces into place. And I can picture it after all these days. Dude, she's such a good writer. I love, she's a poet. She's so good. And I know it's long gone. The magic's not here no more. And I might be okay, but I'm

not fine at all. That's a great line. She's so good. Because there we are again on that little town street. You almost ran the red because you were looking over at me. When did my hair, I was there. I remember it all too well. Photo album on the counter. Your cheeks were turning red. Used to be a little kid with glasses and a twin size bed and your mother telling stories about you on the T-ball team. You taught me about your past, thinking your future was me. You were tossing the car keys. Can we say the F word?

I don't think we can say that on this show. Forget the patriarchy. Key chain on the ground, We were always skipping town. And I was thinking on the drive down, anytime now he's going to say it's love. You never called it what it was till we were dead and gone and buried. Checked up pulse and came back swearing it's the same

after three months in the grave. And then you wondered where it went to you as I reached for you. But all I felt was shame and you held my lifeless frame. And I know it's long gone and there was nothing else I could do. And I forget about you but all I felt was shame and you held my lifeless frame and I know it's long gone and there was nothing else I could do and I forget about you

long enough to forget why I needed to. She's incredible. Because there we are again in the middle of the night. Why were we singing Motley Crue songs during Ballad Bandstands?

We should have been covering Taylor Swift. This is poetry. That would have been our whole set. The whole set would have been a short song. We're dancing around the kitchen

the refrigerator light down the stairs I was there I remember it all too well and there we are again where nobody had to know you kept me like a secret but I kept you like an oath

oh my gosh what a line you kept me like a secret but I kept you like an oath she should have been a songwriter for Pantera song prayer sacred prayer,

and we'd swear to remember it all too well. Well, maybe we got lost in translation. Maybe I asked for too much, but maybe this thing was a masterpiece till you tore it all up. Running scared I was there, I remembered all too well. You call me up again just to break me like a promise.

Oh my gosh. So casually cruel in the name of being honest, I'm a crumpled up piece of paper lying here because I remember it all. They say all's well that ends well, but I'm in a new hell. Every time you double cross my mind, gosh, you said if we had been closer in age, maybe it would have been fine. And that made me want to die. The idea you had of me. Who was she? A never needy, ever lovely jewel that shine, who shine reflects on you. Man. Not weeping in a party bathroom. Some actress asking me what happened. You. That's what happened. You. You who charmed my dad with self-effacing jokes Sipping coffee like you're on a late night show

Oh my gosh No wonder she sold a hundred billion records She's so good Like I'm in the story now Now I gotta see how this thing ends And then he watched me watch the front door all night Willing you to come And he said it's supposed to be fun turning 21.

Oh, my gosh. Now dad's in on it. Time won't fly. It's like I'm paralyzed by it. I'd like to be my old self again, but I'm still trying to find it. After plaid shirt days and nights, when you made me your own, now you mail back my things and I walk home alone. But you keep my old scar from that very first week

because it reminds you of innocence and it smells like me dude there's so many one liners here this is like a years worth of tweets it's like an Eminem like rap battle and a pop song you can't get rid of it because you remember it all too well

because there we are again when I loved you so back before you lost the one real thing you've ever known it was rare i was there i remember all too well wind in my hair you were there you remember it all down the stairs you were there i wonder what happened down the stairs i think we know you remember it all i was it was rare i was there i remember it all too well. And I was never good at telling jokes, but the punchline goes, I'll get older, but your lovers stay my age. Matthew McConaughey, shout out.

Dang. But when your Brooklyn broke my skin and bones, I'm a soldier who's returning half her weight and did the twin flame bruise paint you blue just between us? Did the love affair maim you too? Because in the city's barren cold i still remember the first fall of snow and how it glistened as it fell i remembered all too well

just between us did the love affair maim you all too well just between us do you remember it all too well just between us i remember it all too well it was You remember it. Wind in my hair. I was there. I was there. Sacred prayer. I was there. It was rare. You remember it.

You've gone this far. You may as well repeat all the refrain. Can't do all the repeats, but Jenna. I was doing this to clown you, man. I feel like a changed man. Best song ever. This feel like a changed man. Best song ever. This is like a novel. This is like, oh my gosh.

Taylor, I know you're a huge fan of the show, and I know you stuck around to the end of this one. Well done on this song. 100 million people can't be wrong. Wow. See you soon on the Dr. John DeLone Show.