The Dr. John Delony Show - I Left My Fiancé for Another Man

Episode Date: November 19, 2025

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All right, let's talk about your marriage. Right now, we have February and October weekends on sale for the money in marriage getaway. It's the best marriage retreat on the planet. Tickets start at $749 a couple. Get yours at ramsysolutions.com slash getaway. I ended up leaving my fiance. Did you meet somebody new?

I did and regretted it almost immediately. I don't know. No relationship is perfect and no person is going to be like your perfect person, but there was just like things that I felt were lacking. Did you put them on the table and say, I want to be loved like this? What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney's show.

Pulling up a seat next to hurting people all over the planet, whether you're struggling with what to do with your kids, what you're to do with a partner, husband, wife, what's going on your kid's schools, like whatever you got, your mental and emotional health, whatever it is, I'm going to pull up a seat and we're going to sit down and we're going to figure out what's the next right move.

And in a world that just feels like everyone's throwing everything up on social media, that everybody's feeling this sense of doom and isolation. I'm going to hold it for you. I'll hold it with you. We'll sit down at the table, put on the table, and we're going to figure out what's the next right move. All right, Concord, New Hampshire. sure. Let's talk to Ashley. What's up, Ashley? How are we doing? Hi, I'm doing okay. How are you?

I'm doing good. Thanks for hopping on the call. What's up? Yes, thank you for having me. I don't know. I just kind of went through something recently. I ended up leaving my fiancé. How come? How come? Yeah. I don't know. That's the thing. Did you meet somebody new? I did. I did. It was somebody that lived in the area, and I got curious about who this person was, and I took it too far, and I acted on it, and then, yeah, ended up leaving my fiancé and regretted it almost immediately. And I actually just left that other relationship that I was in. and I think I want to repair things with my ex-fiance

and I think he does too but we just, I don't know where to start. How do you know you want to repair it? Because, I mean, he was my best friend. I mean, we were together for seven years. engaged for a year and a half. And I don't know, I just can't, I don't know, I can't imagine, like, you know, meeting someone else.

You've already done that. I know. But like trying to, like, build a life with someone else because the life that we had built was, like, everything that I could have wanted. I just didn't see it in the time. I'm wondering if you're not just in a cloud of guilt and loneliness. That's the thing. I just, I don't know. I mean...

Then I would pause on trying to run back and fix this thing. Because I'm afraid it's going to happen again. I know that's my worry too and I don't want it to happen again and that's why I'm taking the steps to try and figure out why I did what I did and I just started therapy last week I know but the bigger thing is

is you making an ironclad commitment I'm never going to do that again and I haven't heard you say that like figuring out why that's good that's part of the puzzle but there's that line saying I won't do this or let me put it this way he can't anchor in and trust you again

until you trust you and you don't trust you right now no but I want to trust me like I want to be a better person I totally get that but you can't ask him to anchor into you until you are trustworthy to yourself so how do I do that you've got to begin to make some ironclad commitments to yourself and then act upon those things

I'm the kind of person who here's what that looks like I'm the kind of person that has zero social media I'm the kind of person that does not text anybody that I might be attracted to or not like whatever I'm the kind of person who you got to fill that

that gap in not through thoughts and I wonder why this is ironclad actions I'm a person who doesn't do any of those things okay and if you say I'm a kind of person that he's on my like I'm going to give my social media access

and all my DMs and all my text messages to my fiancee this person who I said is my best friend but I blew his life to smithering I'm going to do all those things. That's the kind of person I am. Otherwise, here's what's going to happen. You're going to go back and you're going to grovel. He's going to have this upper hand.

You're going to feel it. And you're going to want that safety of that friendship you had, of that comfort that you had. And the moment it gets comfortable, you're going to start feeling dead in your own skin again. And somebody at work is going to say, God, I love that. shirt you're wearing and now we're back to the races again exactly so the question from

me inside out is what is it about the life you co-created that you did not feel good inside of I don't know it was just I guess seeking you know validation elsewhere that made me feel good good and then once I started to get it it was just oh it's intoxicating it's the best drug in the world right but my deeper question is what was it about this person that you trusted and we're planning on building a life with that you were with for eight years or so that you couldn't say I want to be loved like this I guess there was just you know I I don't know. No relationship is perfect and no person is going to be like your perfect person, but there was just like things that I felt were lacking.

Did you put him on the table and say, I want to be loved like this? No. Okay. But that's the thing. He treated me so well. I know, but he didn't treat you in the way that you wanted. and you didn't have the courage to tell him. Right. And Hollywood called.

And Hollywood is an amazing drug. Mm-hmm. So I guess one of them, the main things is like, we struggle. like with intimacy and it was definitely more like what does that mean it was boring you didn't want to sleep with him you yeah it was just like it was boring

and it was just for me it was more like a chore and I just like didn't like it anymore but I know that he didn't feel that way and that just created like a disconnect between us and so I'm thinking of a couple of my buddies that are my best friends okay my closest friends on the planet

if they're doing a thing that I don't like I'm taking sex off the table right these are just my like guys right my buddies I'm gonna say hey dude don't do that anymore do this

and they're like all right cool what was it about this person that you call your best friend that you spent so much time with that you didn't have the courage to say I want to spice this up I'm feeling like this is a chore I feel like I am just somebody that gets you off

that's not somebody that we're creating a fun exciting life together right and that's the thing that I can't figure out because I mean he was all about that I just like was not I don't know I just couldn't bring myself to do it but then it's like I meet someone else and it's like I had no issues, but...

You know why? Because there's nothing at stake there. It's easy. Right. When you build a comfortable, safe time together, it can be hard to say, hey, by the way, right now this is me. Do you still love me?

because there's so much more at stake. Right. I mean, here's the thing. To answer your question, the path back and something like this is you ask him, I would like a roadmap to rebuild trust with you because I blew your life up.

I blew my life up, I blew your life up. I need a road. map to trust. I'm personally telling you right now, I've just sat with enough couples over the years, enough individuals over the years, you're going to get comfortable again and you're going to get bored again. And until you deal with those skills, how do you practice desire inside of a very safe

relationship? What made you bored with this other guy? You mean the one that I left my fiancé for? Yep. I wasn't necessarily bored with him. He was just like a little bit, I mean, he was emotionally and mentally abusive and controlling and manipulative and it just like got to the point where

but there was a part of that that drew you to him what was it that drew me to like him yeah there was a little bit of the recklessness and the chaos and the yeah it just felt like you know it was like exciting and like that's it

I don't know it got your heart rate back up. Yeah. And if you're going to be in a long-term relationship, you'll have to decide we're going to create environments through mystery, through fun, through play, through excitement, where we can get each other's heart rates up. Right. And that is not Hollywood. It's putting sex on a calendar. It's saying this Friday, we're going to fill in the blank. And It loses some of its movie appeal, but it's right and it's deep and it's trusting. Right. Okay.

I guess if that's not for you, if you're not there yet, don't drag this guy back through it. Right. Well, and the other thing is that, like, he knew the situation that I was in with this other person, how it was, like, abusive. and my ex was just worried that it was going to turn physical. And so he allowed me to come back into our old house. Well, it's technically his house, but it was our house, you know, that we built together and stay in the spare room until I find an apartment or we, like, figure out what we want to do. And so I've been here for like a week now, just in the spare room. And, I mean, it's just like a roommate, friends, you know, thing that we have going on.

And it's working fine so far. I know, but it's imaginary. Because your body trusts this guy because he's safe. Right. And he's reliable. And he's loyal. Mm-hmm. And so you're right to feel those words like, I'm at home now.

Right. Until you can look him in the eye and make the ironclad commitment, I will never, no, come hell or high water. I will never cheat on you again. Mm-hmm. Until you can do that, it's unfair for you to take your need for, to not feel so guilty for blowing the life up. Mm-hmm. To not, to take your need of, I ran from a guy that was exciting and also abusive. and running back into the arms of somebody

that you know is always going to be there for you because you all have been together for what, half your life, a quarter of your life? Mm-hmm. Until you can look at him in the eye and say, till death do us apart, come hell or high water, that will never happen again. Until you can do that and actually mean it,

I'm going to tell you to, if you care enough about this guy, don't drag him back through it. Right. have the courage to go get your own apartment and be a grown up. Okay. You get what I'm saying? I do.

I do. Yeah, I know you're right. And I just, I really think he wants to try and repair things because I'm looking at a couple apartments this week and they're all like year leases and he was like well don't do a year lease you know because i just think that he's like hopeful that i know but here's the thing i think you want him to not feel bad more than you want to go all in back with him and if you get back with him so that he doesn't feel bad this 100% will happen again right

if you realize oh my goodness i blew up the life of my best most loyal friend in the world i realized i lost everything and that will never happen again will you please have me back then you y'all have a chance to rebuild something Because listen to me, like listen, his hands are going to feel the same. And his kisses are going to feel the same. Mm-hmm. And his smells are going to be the same. And if that doesn't bring you deep comfort and a big exhale,

Mm-hmm. Don't track him back through this. okay you're right so you would suggest just i would suggest you asking yourself what is true here not what is easy and what is comfortable and what is going to cause the least short-term pain for this person i've been with forever but you to say i want to spend the rest of my life with this person and i'm committed to talking about it when i feel bored I'm committed to go into counseling so that I can figure out why I co-create a world

that I feel dead inside of, why I jump ship with a rambunctious neighbor that turned out to be both dangerous and sexy and also dangerous literally. I can't tell you what to do next. I can just ask you, don't be cruel.

and don't do the next easy comfortable thing because you'll be right back here in a few years he'll just have this guy who obviously cares about you and I think you care about him in a I don't think you hate him but he'll have deep deep scars and if you're not ready to go all back in don't if you are

and you're literally taking a knee and saying I did wrong. I blew up everything. I'm sorry. And the world we co-created has to be different this time. And here's what that looks like for me. What does it look like for you?

Then y'all can rebuild something and it can be amazing. But I'm just hearing in your voice, you feel like you're safe now. And he's comfortable. And you don't want to hurt a guy that you like. And that's not a reason to go all back in. Unless you're really all back in.

all right when we come back a man asks how to move forward after finding out his wife has a sexually transmitted infection all right we are way into the fall now and everyone tells us that we're supposed to be looking at all the pretty leaves changing colors and everything's supposed to be warm and cozy and that is true but also fall is so so busy i've got stuff going on with family school, work, and the holiday planings, and I know you do too. In a season that already tends towards anxiety and exhaustion, sleep is more critical than ever. And that's why I'm always telling you about Helix mattresses. When people come over and crash at my house, they always want to know about this new mattress they're sleeping on. Everybody wants to know, hey, how do I get that

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Go to helixleep.com slash Deloni for 27% off the entire site. That's Helix, H-E-L-I-X, HelixSleep.com slash Deloni, and tell them you heard about Helix mattresses right here on this show. With Helix, Better Sleep starts right now. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. This time of year can be tough for everybody, so I want you to make sure you check in on your friends and reconnect with loved ones.

I recently just got back from visiting some old friends in Texas, and it was like a cup of cold water in the desert. And just like it can take a little courage to send a message or grab coffee with somebody you haven't seen in a while, reaching out for therapy can also feel hard too. But if you need it, it's worth it. If you're reaching out for a new therapist, I recommend better help. With over 30,000 therapists, they're the largest online therapy provider in the world. they've served over 5 million people globally and they have an average rating of 4.9 out of 5.

It's totally online so it can easily fit into your banana schedule. To get started, you just answer a few simple questions and they're going to connect you with a licensed therapist who fits your needs. And if it's not the right fit out of the gate, you can switch at any time for no extra cost. This month, don't wait to reach out. BetterHelp makes it easy to take a first step to find a therapist. Visit betterhelp.com slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P.com slash Deloni. All right, let's go out to Dallas and talk to Joe.

What up, Joe? How are we doing, brother? I'm doing pretty good, man. How are you? Doing all right, man. What's up? Well, first of all, it's great talking to you. You too, man.

Well, basically, I've been with my wife for five. years. We have been married for two years, and I just found out about a week and a half ago that she has genital herpes. Never knew before now? I never knew. Have you gone and got tested? I have not. I haven't had any outbreak. You need to go do that today. Because that's going to be driving you crazy. Yes. Okay. Go get tested today.

Okay? Go to a local clinic in Dallas, and if you can't do it today, make an appointment and go tomorrow. Take a day off of work. Okay. You're going to have to solve the major trust issue in your marriage and the lying and the deception and all of that. And the fact that your wife put you at physical, like,

Like because she lied to you and kept secrets from you, she put you at great risk. But beneath that, you're going to have a body that is screaming at you. Are we safe? Are we safe? Are we safe? And you've got to get some confirmation on that, okay? Okay. Yeah, because I'm actually pretty terrified about that. I know. That is step one. You cannot heal your marriage until you know you're safe or not. Because everything is hypothetical.

Okay. Okay. Well, what if, what happens? Like, I mean, I don't, if I go and I, and I do find out that I am positive. Then you get a treatment protocol. We're going to take care of physical health first. Okay. Okay.

And depending on what, like, there's so many factors here. And I would be out over my skis if I told you, it's been, it's been years since I was able to rattle off the health protocols. And I imagine that they've got some different treatment options now since the last time I looked at these. I used to work with college students seven or five years ago, six years ago. So I used to know every, here's what happens with chlamydia, herpes, syphilis, all of them. And it's just been years since I looked at that data, okay, or the medical interventions. So you need to sit down with the doctor and say, what do I do next? Okay.

Okay. Yeah, the whole thing, and you kind of touched on it too, that I'm actually struggling with even more, is the trust thing. Now I feel like, you know, she's really betrayed my trust. In a, in a seismic way. Yeah. let me put it this way brother you're not crazy okay

because she didn't just not tell you about an old boyfriend she didn't tell you that she hooked up with somebody while y'all were dating she had a sexually transmitted infection that she hid from you I'm assuming she knew about this for a long time she did

she's had it for about 15 years yeah yeah that's a tough one brother I can't make this one I mean I can't make your situation not hurt as bad as it does the only way I can say this to you in a way that's like super clear

is the marriage you had the life you had is now over and you have to decide what I'm going to do next okay okay because this type of deception is is because it's not just about an emotional pain which is big and real and scary this is she puts you in physical harm's way right right so hear me say you're not crazy And I actually know people who are married with Herbys and their marriage is great,

but they're open with each other and they're honest with each other. And chances are five, how long have you been dating? Have you long have you known her, been with her? For five years. Okay. Chances are five years ago, if she had said, hey, what's up? We've been having a good time before we're intimate. I need to let you know this.

You may have said, I'm going to go my separate ways. Or you may have said, I don't care. What does that mean? Tell me about that. What's, and you might have looked like, you would have taken different steps five years ago. You wouldn't have built a house on a lack of information, on a lack of trust.

What else has she been dishonest with you about? Well, I mean, as far as I'm aware of, this is the only thing. We have great communication. You don't. you don't right well i thought we did there you go and there you go you know that that also is part of what circles in my head now is just if she has been able to lie and be dishonest about this huge thing i mean what else has there been correct and that's what i'm telling you everything in your relationship is different that doesn't mean you have to run to the courthouse

and get divorced, that doesn't mean that everything's over. That means if y'all are going to stay together, y'all are building a new marriage from Ash, from the ground up. Okay. She's taken some steps, you know, finally to make me feel better, what should have been done five years ago.

You know, and kind of like what you said, too, you were 100% correct is, you know, I probably, if she came to me with some science, I probably would have been fine and continued. I don't want her coming to you with science. I don't want her coming to you with some YouTuber

who's like filming it in the back of his truck and like, hey, I've got the new, use essential oils. I don't want that crap. I want y'all two going to a doctor together. The medical degree, went to college, who specializes in STIs. okay you know what I'm saying

with her she was yeah yeah and she was I feel like she's been kind of in her own form of denial um

ever since she was diagnosed with it even in the conversations that we've had you know she was like well the doctor says that everybody has it and it's not that big of the deal

I don't that exactly my wife doesn't my friends don't you didn't right yeah this is how it gets passed around is that people lie to themselves

and they lie to their partners I just I mean I'm just like I don't have anything to say other than I'm sorry man it's it's strange to come home and your house is burned down right it's like an out-of-body experience you're just plugging along doing life together and all of a sudden it's like oh by the way how'd you find out uh i saw it okay

you're like hey what's that and she's like oh bt doves kind of so right now we're a little long distance i'm taking some classes um but uh it's been like that over the last eight years i mean uh eight months and i go and see her you know every three months um this previous time she came here and um that's that's when i found out that's how i saw it and my first thought was well, we've been together for five years and I've never seen this it's never been mentioned

like, when did you get this? Are you cheating on me? Which is a question you should for sure ask. And here's the thing and I did. But here's the thing. because there was such blatant, over-the-top dishonesty? If I'm you, my assumption is you're cheating on me since I'm, we're at long distance now.

Right. And here's the thing. You get to decide what a path to trust looks like. I want to see your credit report. I want to see all your text messages. I want to see all the deleted messages. I want to see all your DMs. You get to decide what is it going to take

for me to trust you again, if that's a path you even want to take. And then she gets to decide but I want to be with you or not. Uh-huh. Yeah, definitely is. I do want to rebuild the trust. And she has taken steps.

Like, she actually called her ex from, you know, however many years ago, I gave it to her. How do you know? That she did have it. How do you know? Oh, I heard the conversation. And even in the conversation, she said, you know, if he wants to call you and talk to you, is that okay? And that guy was like, yeah, I mean, it's a little weird, but I understand. Yeah, that's super weird.

Yeah. but I mean I heard their conversation okay I want you to be honest with yourself about what rebuilding trust looks like okay and I'm just going to tell you from from sitting with so many college students over the years that path to trust will be rooted in are you okay do you have general herpes do you have HPV there's any number of things I'm going to go get tested for I want the whole battery

okay and once you can exhale then you can begin to say okay what happens next Or you find out, know you're positive, here's your health protocol. You're going to have this for the rest of your life, but here's how to manage it. Then that helps establish what does a path back look like? What does grief look like? Yeah, that's the thing.

I feel like if I do continue to move forward, and I do have it. to be very angry and your anger will be justified at my head i was just like well i guess i'll just see if i have an outbreak because from what i understand it actually is really hard to to know if if you do have HSV2 as opposed to one if you're not having an active outbreak i think you're i think you're right but dude i'm not going to chat gpte and i'm not going to google docs on this one i'm going to sit with the physician okay brother And I know it's really cool The hate on modern medicine right now

But the doctors I know that I'm friends with That are working hard every day They care about people a lot And they're good Go sit down with the doctor and say This is embarrassing I just found this out And I need to get the full battery of testing

And then I'm going to start from there I've got to make sure I'm okay And they might tell you I can test for this But this other one I just got to wait till there's an out break and I hope you're good hope that's not the case um and hopefully everything's hopefully you're safe and your body's healthy and then y'all can begin to rebuild or not together um out of that

but you're right to question everything if your wife is willing to keep a secret that's going to negatively impact your personal health. Then what other secrets are, is she holding? That's a fair question. That's a right question. And also, if you choose to stay in this and rebuild, holding her hostage isn't fair either. So she deserves a path.

If you're going to stay, you want to rebuild, she deserves a path back to trust. You just have to be honest about what that path is. I mean, I'm sorry, brother. Thanks for the call. You're not crazy. You're not crazy. All right, folks, I got big news.

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cents. That breaks down to just like a dollar per night for great sleep. Go to shopbeam.com slash deloni and use my code deloney for this amazing deal. That's shop beam, B-E-A-M dot com slash deloney, use code deloney. Let's go out to Billings, Montana and talk to Molly. What's up, Molly? Hi, I'm so sorry you're going to hear a train for a second. No, I love trains. I love trains. So do I. It's. It's actually why I live here, but most people don't necessarily find it so fantastic. You're not on the tracks, are you?

No, they're about a mile away. Okay, good. All right, all right, good. We're in a valley, so the sound bounces off the... Well, that's cool. That'll add some color. Chris Williamson has all these cool backdrops. We'll have cool audio drops.

This is going to be awesome. We'll just have a train go by. That's cool. All right, so what's up? Okay. So, last year, honestly, it's a... a year, just a couple weeks short of a year, I discovered that my partner was selling child pornography on the internet. God, almighty. I turned him in. All right, let's sit on that for a second.

Husband, boyfriend? It's complicated. He was my first husband. Okay. And I divorced him we'd been together for about three years and I divorced him because he'd been cheating on me basically every second of it and I couldn't take it anymore so I left him and then even after the divorce we were still involved and I needed to get away from that so I literally packed what I could

into a couple of hockey bags got on a plane and moved 5,000 miles away How'd you find out? About the child porn I had in our long history of on again, off again over the course of more than 25 years, I had pretty much discovered that if he wasn't a full-blown narcissist, he was real close. And I had some situation in my life that made it so that I didn't really have anywhere to go. And my family kind of dumped me off on him.

But he was, you know, the beginning stages again, right? Everything was all love and roses and everything's fantastic. But then about a year and a half in, things start kind of cooling down a little bit, and I'm trying a little harder, and I'm like, you know, just make it work until you can figure something out and you can go elsewhere. But things started to get worse. He started triangulating me with another individual, and I needed to know how much time I had. and so I did something I've never done before and part of me kind of wishes I had never done it at all

but I went into his phone and when I was doing that a couple of notifications popped up for messages on X and I saw the preview for what the messages were and I was like what the fuck is this and at that point in time is when I discovered the text message in that particular conversation

he was talking about having had a sexual relationship with one of his nieces. Now, he was asleep at the time but I heard him like wrestling around and I was like, because he's waking up and so I turned everything off and shut it all down and then I spent like a week or so going, going, okay, what are you going to do?

What are you going to do? What are you going to do? And finally, I decided what I was going to do was gather whatever proof I needed, send that proof off to both his sister, both of his brothers, and the woman that he was using as the third in this little triangle that he had created in his brain. So that everyone was aware of the situation, and then I was just going to work on getting out as quickly as I could. But then about a week later is when I got an opportunity to get back into his phone and then I when I went looking for that conversation I couldn't find it but what I did find were conversations and a lot of groups on X on Reddit

on Telegram on Kit all of them listed in groups under listed under consensual incest where he was inclining people take a breath take a breath take a breath take a breath you're getting on a train yourself you're heading on to on track, take a breath, okay? Yeah. Listen to me. You're going right back to that moment when you're holding that phone, and that moment's over and you're sitting with me right now, okay?

Yeah. You're good now. Okay? Okay. Exhale. You're good. Yeah. So, essentially, they were initially just conversations just where he was kind of

encouraging people to act on impulses with family members, whether younger or older, until in one conversation, the person asked, do you have child porn that you would be willing to share with me? And his response was, I do, but not here, and not for free. and at the time I was using my phone to record the screen of his phone as I was going through everything like I started on his conversation with her to kind of prove that this was his phone that I wasn't making it up

and then kind of went through the rest of it but once I got to that I just kind of froze and freaked out for a second And I remember looking over at him and thinking, I could kill you right now. And I would feel no regret. And then I just shut down. Did you call the police? Yeah, actually that afternoon, I left to go to the grocery store, and it was on a Sunday.

And I called the non-emergency number, and I asked to make an appointment with a detective because I believed that I had evidence that my partner was selling child porn. online and they asked me if I thought I was safe and I said I'm safe as long as he doesn't know I have this and they said then wait until you have time and just walk into the office we will leave your information at the desk just walk in they will have someone ready for you and I said okay so the next day that he went to work which was the following Tuesday I as soon as he left I got dressed and I immediately went to the police department. Can I just stop right there and tell you?

I'm a dad with a nine-year-old little girl. And I want to say thank you. There is nothing on this earth more innocent than the soul of a child. I agree. And the idea of people destroying that on purpose. I'm with you. I'm with you. And also, this is only allowed to continue the way it does because people won't report their boyfriends and their husbands and their sons. And you did.

And I want to tell you, I'm proud of you. And I'm from the bottom of my heart. I'm grateful. Thank you. Honestly, it floors me that there would be people who wouldn't. I know. I know. But I'm not going to spend one ounce of energy on them right this second.

I'm just going to spend a moment in gratitude to you. Okay? Yeah. And I'm getting the sense, that's not even why you call. What's the, what's the thing beneath that thing? Well, I mean, he died in jail 60 days later. He had stage four colon cancer and he didn't know. Well, I suspected he refused to go to see a doctor.

Doesn't matter. Right. He's gone. He can't ever hurt anybody again. but I just feel dirty. Like there's this darkness in me that every time somebody touches me, it rubs off on them and they're carrying that evil that was mine, and I can't get past it.

It's not like I don't have two therapists. I do. One who specializes in. EMDR and one who just does talk therapy and everybody tells me the same thing that I did the right thing that's not that's not the thing that's not that's not the thing can I tell you what I think the thing is what I'm going to say this as someone who is grateful for you okay yeah you're with this guy for 25 years, is that right? Pretty much off and on.

I mean, we both married other people in the meantime. We went 10 years without talking at one point in time. Just, yeah. But there's the single greatest, the single most profound loss of trust in this whole thing is you.

You don't trust you. I don't know. I haven't trusted me for a long time. Because either, you're asking yourself, how do you miss this? How did I go to, bad how did I remarry a guy like this or there was some inkling in your spirit for 25 years that

this guy's not right and either you saw this text thread and puzzle pieces started coming together and you wanted to vomit or you were so stunned that this happened underneath your nose that you wanted to vomit either way the reason you feel gross and and because because because because you're untethered to yourself. Yeah. Definitely feel that. The path forward is reestablishing trust with you. Not in trying to forget or unwind him.

But the first person you have to forgive here is not him. It's you. You don't like you. No particular. And maybe you've made a whole bunch of mistakes in your life and you've had a whole bunch of things that you want to go back and solve and wish you could do over again. I want to tell you, again, as the father of a nine-year-old girl,

you did right. Thank you. I had never doubted. I did the right thing. Honestly, I had a moment because when I initially reached out to his sister and his third wife, the other person involved in the triangle, to let them know that he had been arrested, I did not initially admit that I was the one who had turned him in. That's okay.

There's not a playbook. And everyone was like super supportive. And then the minute his sister found out that I was the one who turned him in, she turned on me. me like a viper. Good. She lost her vote in your life. Oh yeah, I blocked her. I mean, the night he died, she messaged me on Facebook,

said, he died at such and such a time, karma will come. And I said, it already did, and I blocked her. It already did come. You know what? You're getting now, peace. It's not there yet, but it's coming. No, I mean, I felt, initially, I was just relieved because

I didn't have to be afraid that they would release him and he would kill me. Right. But then it just became so much because nobody wanted to deal with everything else

that he had left behind. That's right. Nobody wanted to deal with the mess. The news called me out. So everyone knew, I took two months to find a job because nobody wanted to hire the girl who lived with the pedophile.

Of course. There's a radius blast to this. Those girls that he abused, their lives are forever altered. You, his family, his sister, his parents, everybody's life is different because they were touched by evil. I know.

And listen to me. You've packed up and moved 5,000 miles away before. and I'm not saying that's what you have to do. I'm saying you have proven to yourself in moments of desperation, in moments of great need that you can advocate for yourself. You have to believe you're worth advocating for again. And that's hard when you've been in multiple abusive marriages, when you've settled to be the girlfriend of your,

ex-ex-husband and his wife, his third wife, you've settled for all of these things and you've made choices that you look back and would never recommend 19-year-old you make, and yet here you are, right? Yeah, exactly. And so the question before you is not what happened, what it's sister do, what it family do,

what an employer's, none of that you can affect here. The only you can affect is, will you stand up today and love Molly enough to do the next right thing for her? Nobody else is going to. Yeah. That's it.

And you're going to have to grieve this deeply. I want you to pick up a copy of David Kessler's book Finding Meaning. It's about losing somebody but the person you lost here is you. Yeah. And how do I grieve this? And more importantly, who am I going to become now?

You want to learn how to reestablish trust in little micro ways? I want you to start recklessly tipping people when you go out to eat. Comically so. Okay? Yeah. Once a week, I want you to get a trash sack and some rubber gloves, and I want you to walk, go for an hour. hour walk by yourself or 30 minute walk, whatever your health will allow. I don't want you to pick up

trash in your neighborhood. I want you to knock on the door of a local church and say, I'm not well. Can I come in? Oh, I did that right after he was arrested. Okay. And some churches will say, we don't want you here. And then you dust your sandals off and you go to the next one. Here's what I'm saying. You can't sit at home and just look out at the world and say, why aren't they look what they're doing you have to say i'm going to become a person that i can trust and that means you have to have a backlog of trustworthy actions and you don't trust yourself because of the actions you've taken in the past and so we're going to create a path forward i'm a person that gets up and doesn't look at their phone right away i have a cup of coffee and i watch the sunrise

i'm a person who goes and gets a dumb little dog or a great little dog and i'm going to take care of I got a beautiful kitty If you're Oh god you didn't have to say you're a cat person That changes the whole thing Just kidding That's great I am an animal person

There you go there you go But my current space is relatively small And having a dog I'm just messing with me I'm just making care of the same I got the kitty by accident But she's the sweetest thing ever And she's definitely helped

There's no such thing as a sweet cat But I'm gonna let that one go I'm just kidding I'm just trying to start some internet drama but here's the thing i'm going to create a series of actions very small steps once a day i am going to write down three things i'm grateful for once a day i'm going to find somebody at work at the restaurant that i go to the little diner i frequent the trash guys that drive by i'm going to write a thank you note to somebody i'm going to hand it to them maybe once a week i'm going to begin doing a

bunch of little bitty things to begin to prove to myself that I am trustworthy to myself. And you're going to wake up and it's going to feel like a chore. I don't want to do this stuff. And you're going to wake up at six months and have six months of proof that I'm the kind of woman who takes care of the waitress. I'm the kind of woman that gets up and takes care of this cat. I'm the kind of woman who sees people and I say, thank you. I'm the kind of woman who's willing to blow up my whole life to protect innocent children and that's how people change that's how they begin to trust themselves the person you got to forgive here is you and for all the mistakes you've made you did a really big good and great thing you are not tainted by his shadow although it is

cast long over you in three months and five months that we might talk about are we going to move out of this community and get a fresh start somewhere or maybe the smoke clears on this thing and if people want to blow you off they want to talk crap about you that's they get to carry those bricks i'm not carrying them for you're not carrying them for them you did the next right to carry hard thing and it cost you everything cost you your family your friends your partner cost you everything and you did the right thing i'm going to ask you don't give up on molly reinvest in molly because molly's the kind of person that keeps kids like my kids safe thank you for being you today's day one and building building trust thank you mom

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rad, rad, rad, rad, can't wait. All right, here's a question that somebody left at last year's money of marriage. My wife has a big mean streak. She's quick to anger and quick to belittle me. She will usually apologize after the fact and acknowledge that she was rude or disrespectful, but doesn't implement any changes and the behavior continues. How do I learn to live with this without losing my patience with her and snapping back? All right. This is unpopular what I'm about to say, but this is the path you have. You have a, the roads diverged in a wood and you get to take one or the other.

Path number one is you just suck it up and say, my wife is a complete jerk. She's disrespectful, she's rude, she's mean, and that's who I'm married, and I'm not going to ever complain about it again, because this is what I'm actively choosing on a day and day out basis, period. That's one. Or number two is you draw a line in the sand that says, I'm a grown man, I'm your husband, I love you, and I am not going to be in an unsafe relationship. any longer and that means you have to go do the work to figure out why you're so angry all the time why you belittle why it feels good for you in a moment to belittle me not going to be a punching back and that's you coming up with an or what statement if this happens again you are choosing

to not be married to me anymore. The other choice you have, here's a third option. You can choose that she for a season does not get a vote. I'm not going to cash in my character because of somebody else's behavior. So what I mean by that,

how do I learn to live with this without losing my patience and snapping back she doesn't get that anymore for a season you're out of the you get a vote box in my life

I'm not going to lose my patience because I'm not giving that to you I'm not going to snap back because I'm not a guy who repays evil with evil I'm not a guy who belittles my wife that means sometimes I'm going to

When you get going, I'm going to say, I'm going to stop you. I'm going to head out. I'm going to go have dinner by myself this evening. I'll be back later. Because I'm a guy that doesn't ever disrespect or belittle his wife, even when she's doing it to me. Because I'm a grown man and I'm in control of my feelings, my actions, and my emotions, period. We've got to as married couples get out of this. Well, he made me.

And if she doesn't, then I have to. All of that is bull crap. You get to choose what you do next every time. And if you can't choose, you get to choose to extract yourself from a situation so that you can exhale. If you find yourself about to snap back, leave. Walk out the door.

If you find yourself losing your patience, call her on the way home. Or if she can't have that text her on the way home and say, My patience is thin, and I'm a guy who honors his wife, so I'm going to stop off and go to the gym. I'm going to stop off and play music with my buddies. But at some point, you either accept this is the life I signed up for,

and she gets to run all over me, or I'm going to have an or what statement to draw a line in the ground. Line in the sand. Your choice.