The Dr. John Delony Show - I Left My Husband but He Won’t Leave Me Alone

Episode Date: October 18, 2024

On today’s episode, we hear about:  A woman who’s being harassed by her ex-husband  A man struggling to establish a sleep routine  A mom seeking advice on how to maintain a relationship with her teenage daughter  Next Steps: Follow Dr. Matthew Walker on Instagram: @drmattwalker 🌙 Why We Sleep: Unlocking the Power of Sleep and Dreams 📙 Hold On to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test  📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future  ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards  💭 John's Free Guided Meditation  🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show T-Shirts   Connect With Our Sponsors: 🌱 Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. 🌿 Get up to 40% off at Cozy Earth with code DELONY. 🔒 Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe. 😇 Go to Hallow for a 90-day free trial. 💤 Visit Helix Sleep for special offers. 🏥 Get 10% off select packages at Marek Health with code DELONY.  💪 Get 25% off your order at Thorne. 🥤 Get 20% off at Organifi with code DELONY.  🏔️ Use code DELONY at Poncho Outdoors. Listen to More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights   🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💡 The Rachel Cruze Show 💰 George Kamel 💼 The Ken Coleman Show 📈 The EntreLeadership Podcast   Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy https://www.ramseysolutions.com/company/policies/privacy-policy

Coming up on the Dr. John Delaney show. I recently left my husband. He won't leave me alone. He interacts with me constantly. Is this your first marriage, second marriage, third marriage? Are there kids involved? How complicated is this? No, it's my second one.

I have a hard time picking you up, I guess. Was your previous one abusive also? Yeah. Yeah. I'm sorry. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Welcome, welcome, what's up? This is Dr. John Delaney's show and I'm John. It's the Dr. John Delaney's show and I'm John, your hapless host.

I'm so glad you're with us. Talking about your emotional health, your mental health, whatever you got going on in your life your Relationships your parenting kids schools all of it if you want to be on the show I'd love to have you give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291 It's 1-844-693-3291 or go to JohnDoloney.com slash ask Ask and hey Kelly we need to say this say this at the top of this show.

So we've had two or three or four different shows. What do they call? They spin up or get virus. Whatever. It just kind of takes off. They went viral. They've been ill, right? As the Beastie Boys just said.

Yeah, licensed to. That's right. We haven't, unless you tricked me, we haven't ever staged a call on this show. Zero times. In fact, we've pulled calls that after the end of them we're like, there's no way that was true. I can recall at least three times

since we've been doing this show that we pulled a call because we were like, something felt weird. Not true. So for people who are commenting like there's no way, trust me, we get off the phone and we all look at each other and we were like, something felt weird. Not true. So for people who are commenting like there's no way, trust me. We get off the phone and we all look at each other and we're like, there's no way. And after 20 years of sitting with people, there is a way.

If you think, really, the answer is probably yes. Or none of us would have jobs if everyone just acted like a kind person and was like sure go ahead I'll do what I said I would do and I'll pay my bills and I won't cheat on you. Yeah, we'd have no jobs But yes, there's been some calls recently that have been and But we've never staged one ever. No never I don't we don't have to

And we check to make sure I mean we talked to him beforehand yeah, yeah, you know we reach out to their email I mean we We've got people on the air You're pretty confident. We're very confident. You've been doing this for a decade. Yeah, I know when people are I was in middle school back when you started Really? That's how we're just starting right off right there. God. You're old. All right, Scott just a donor Arizona and talk to dear Marie. What's up, Marie? Hi, how are you?

Good, how are you? I'm good. I'm good. What's happening in your world? Yeah, so I recently left my husband and I've been struggling to move past it because he won't leave me alone. Like he harasses me constantly and belates me and I'm just trying to figure out how to move past it so it doesn't bother me anymore. Oh, I think those are two separate things, sweetheart. I'm sorry. Why'd you leave him? Um, because he has a drinking problem and he hasn't been able to get control over it.

And he's really a great one. He's just mean. Okay. Has he ever hit you? No. No. Has he made your house unsafe? He doesn't get aggressively like outward like that.

It's more of like just towards me and I mean he'll yell sometimes but he doesn't get mad at the kids or anything like that What happened is that you said this is enough The line like I can't take the lying anymore. Our relationship was built on love and trust and I can't be with somebody who's going to lie to me about everything. Well, to answer your question, often doing the right thing hurts real bad. Yeah.

And often doing, even if it's not the quote unquote right thing, doing the thing that you feel is the next right step doesn't quote unquote feel right. And your body knows that you're all on your own. Is this your first? Is this your first marriage, second marriage, third marriage? Are there kids involved? How complicated is this? No, it's my second one and I have a hard time picking on my guess. Well, I heard this recently. It sounds like you've had one relationship two times, right?

Was your previous one abusive also? Yeah. Yeah. I'm sorry. Thank you. So here we are again, right? Yeah. Have you put in a restraining order or do not contact order? No, I haven't.

Okay. Unfortunately, the only way to get somebody to stop harassing you is to get the authorities involved because people who treat each other with dignity and respect don't harass people. Even when they're mad or they're frustrated, they'll fight for relationships, right? But they won't harass people. And people who cross over usually need some outside assistance. Yeah. It's the like abuse towards me.

That really gets me. You said earlier, we said he wasn't abusing you. What do you mean abused? Just how he's talking to you and treating you. I mean, yeah, he called me horrible things. He lied. Lies about me. Okay.

You have a place to live? Yeah. Do you have little ones? Yeah. Not too little, but kids. Are they with you? Yeah. Are they his?

One. One. Okay. How are y'all splitting that up? We just kind of did like what you're supposed to do. We figured out the days that he wanted and then I get my days and we just were able to come to an agreement on that. Yeah, that's not a good idea.

Cause he's violating that agreement by how he treats you, right? I feel so. Yeah. We all married legally? Yeah. Okay. Yeah, you need to separate this thing legally if that's your choice. Were you all married legally? Yeah. Okay. Yeah.

You need to separate this thing legally if that's your choice. For sure. But living in the middle ground is no good and wanting to be adults about something with somebody who's acting like a child is just impossible and it's heartbreaking, but it is what it is. And you have to protect yourself and you have to protect your kids. Okay. Okay. So none of this will feel good. If this is your second rodeo and you got burned in any way last time your body's just gonna it's been down this path and it's going to try to get

your attention. Yeah that's the struggle is dealing with like things I eat. Yeah, of course. Your body's working perfectly, Marie. I'm like stuck in the fear mode all the time. So work with me real quick. Make me a path out. Step number one. Do you have a lawyer? Yes.

Okay. Have you called that lawyer? Yes, I'm working on it. Okay. Have you served papers yet? No, okay Step number two. Do you have one or two or three women that you can talk to you on a regular basis and see face-to-face? They're in Arizona. I Do okay that needs to be number two like before all other things You've got to have a group or at least one but hopefully more than one person that's going to anchor you that you can sit down and here's a gift you can give them.

Say, hey, over the next six months, I'm going to go through hell. And if y'all want to walk with me, that would be awesome. And even if you can't walk with me, if I just text one of y'all, if I text all three of y'all in the middle of the night, one of y'all please respond and just tell me I'm not crazy or tell me we hear you or tell me if I am being crazy Um, but give them the gift of allowing them to love you. Okay, but be explicit

Okay And then number three you got to make sure you've got your four walls taken care of rent food electricity and water and Transportation do you have all those things? rent, food, electricity and water and transportation. Do you have all those things? I do. Okay.

So you're hunkered down and now the next few months are not gonna be pleasant. You've been through this before, right? Right. Okay. Any avoiding of the unpleasant will make the anxiety worse. Okay. So if you get anxious about something, I want you to write that something down and

you either get with your attorney or get with one or more of your friends and figure out a map right freaking through it. Okay? Okay. Are you safe right now? Yeah. Okay. I'm sorry you're going through this again. Well, I appreciate it. Yeah. Okay. I'm sorry you're going through this again. Well, I appreciate it. Yeah.

Give my hang on the line here. I'm going to, I'm going to hook you up with a, I want to connect you with my friends at better help and give you some, some free counseling sessions so that you can have a professional therapist walk with you through this. Hang on the line here and we'll get you a code and you can call and at least have somebody that you can talk to just to bounce things off of. It's unmooring when A, when you're going through a divorce of any kind, it's traumatic. It's just tough.

It's extra traumatic when you go through it again and you thought you'd figure out what happened last time. And it's easy when you have been in multiple abusive relationships to look up and go, oh my gosh, is the common denominator me? And the answer is yes and no, right? Nobody asked to be abused, nobody deserves to be abused. And sometimes we jump into the same patterns over and over again

until we get some pretty clear insight and guidance and practice to not go into those same relationships again. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry, sorry, sorry Marie. Get a group of people around you, get the right professionals around you and let's head straight towards those alarms, okay? And I don't see a way, based on what you're telling me, I don't see a way that you can go through this without some very clear in writing and text messages and emails work. Do not curse at me, do not threaten me. Or else I'm gonna get the police involved

and then get a restraining order or get a no contact order. And then he's gonna be fighting for his rights in court. And this can not play well in a divorce settlement that he has a no contact order in play because of how he's talking to you. By the way, all your text messages, all those emails, all the ways he's communicating,

that all comes out in these settlements. So let him know, stop. You can't talk to me like that. And I know that might be just spitting in the wind, but sometimes the right thing to do is to begin to stand your ground and say no more. I'm sorry, Marie. Call any time while you're going through all this.

I'll be with you. We'll be right back. Hey, good folks, let's talk about hallow. All right, I say this all the time. It's important to get away for times of prayer and meditation by yourself with no one else around. But one thing you might not think about though is maintaining a sense of community when you pray or meditate.

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All right, let's go out to Denver, Colorado, and change your life. All right. Let's go out to Denver, Colorado and talk to Jared. Hey Jared, what's up, dude? Hey, Dr. John. What's up? I'm just rocking on to the break of dawn, brother. Just got in from Charlotte, North Carolina and landed here in Nashville. What are you up to?

Taking my lunch break at work right now, actually. Awesome. What's up? So my question is at work right now, actually. Awesome. What's up? So my question is about work in a way. How can I prioritize sleep when my job requires getting up at early hours? Tell me more. Well, I've had this job for about a year now and I thought I was adjusting to the sleep schedule.

Okay. In order to get, you know, really ready for work and everything in and I thought I was adjusting to the sleep schedule. Okay. Uh, in order to get, you know, really ready for work and everything in the morning, I got to get up around five, which is new to me. Uh, and I've been having just, just recently, I've been having some trouble prioritizing sleep, I guess. I'm trying to take steps in my life to prioritize my health, but I'm finding it difficult to get a good night's sleep. Even if I, you know, I had to bed when I say I will, sometimes I'll just wake up and you know, I have some trouble falling back asleep. And so, and then I get frustrated and start over thinking things. Cause you

know, I promised myself I'd get seven hours today and I promised myself I'd be, I'd be ready for work and you're ready to put in a good day at work. And it just didn't work out that way. So and I'm, I'm coming off of being the kind of a night owl too. Okay. So that's part of my issue is I enjoy the night. I enjoy doing things at night and I get a lot of energy at night. And it's not so much that I miss that, but you know, sometimes when it gets time for

bed, I find I get these bursts of energy and I don't want to waste them kind of. Sure. So what's this new job you've taken? It's delivery. So I show up early in the morning, my truck is all ready for me and I get sent out kind of all over the place, all over the state of Colorado.

Yeah. Well, I mean, at the end of the day, a couple of things going on here. There are sleep chronotypes that are just shifting and there's some pretty fascinating evolutionary psychology about those and I just love geeking out on here. There are sleep chronotypes that are just shifting and there's some pretty fascinating evolutionary psychology about those. And I just love geeking out on it. But I get up at five every morning, plus or minus five or 10 minutes and I love it. And I go to bed at super geek. If I'm lucky with an eight in front, but usually I go to bed nine, nine 30 at the latest 10, unless I'm going to a concert in front, but usually I go to bed nine nine thirty at the latest ten

Unless I'm going to a concert and then I know it's just gonna cost me and it's worth it, right? So it's intentional, but it is what it is I Tell my body was designed and I love it But I feel for people who don't man because it's a hard on the flip side hard hard hard I That's a hard on the flip side. Hard, hard, hard. I guess the question before you is, do you wanna quit your job? Or are you able to look for work that allows you to work and stay up into the night that wouldn't require you

to be up and at them and on the job at 6 a.m. or whenever you actually have to be there? Or do you want to begin to, and I don't know, I'm gonna be honest with you, I don't know, I'm gonna get out over my skis, so I don't know about shifting chronotypes, I've heard, up or down, I would get into Matt Walker's podcast and Matthew Walker's book, Why We Sleep,

that'd be where I'd go, that's the gold standard. And he's been on Dr. Atiya's podcast, he's been on Heberman's podcast, he is the guy. But what I have found in my life is I've been able to shift it over time and maybe not shift my chronotype, but shift my sleeping patterns to where now it's really tough for me.

I was at an event last night and I left early and went to bed. I was just tired. Like my body's just like, dude, it's time go to bed and I popped right up and up this morning. So All I can tell you is you have to put in a series of practices and say I want this to be part of my life And even when I don't want it to be even I don't feel like it i'm going to act like it and over time I've just this is just n equals one. I felt my body shift. So talk to me about when you get home. Okay, sure.

When I get home, the first thing I do is meal prep because I'm still kind of writing work motivation and work energy. And so when I'm still in that work mind frame, that's the best time to get things done. But I'm trying to prioritize meal prepping. But after that, it's kind of, you know, you know, you put your if you put your feet up for 10 minutes, you might be there for the rest of the night.

Yeah. Do you exercise? irregularly. Okay. So here's a couple of things I would shift. Number one, I would make exercise a everyday practice. And you can lift three or four days a week. And that's important, but just movement of any kind. Do you have any kind of supplementation that you take? Protein powder for what that's worth. Okay, I would follow up with some of those guys. I have a I have a

I've been knickknacking around my I've been messing with sleep supplements forever I would stay as far away as possible from pharmaceutical aids that are hypnotics that knock you unconscious basically But man I've seen some really sick like personally I've seen some incredible success Something as simple as the organified gold stuff and yes, they're a show sponsor and yes, they they pay us to be on that show but that's what I use and

thorn products fossils to phosphatidyl starine and Again GABA and and melatonin. There's all kinds of things out there that are pretty low risk, depending on who you ask and depending what Instagram follower you follow. But there's lots of things that can help begin to inch you towards things. Another thing I would tell you is, do you have friends, community, family? I have them, but I don't see them super frequently.

Okay, so you're gonna sound counterintuitive, but are you by yourself? Are you single? Yes, sir. Okay. Trying some sort of regular dinner practice with some friends. Because here's what I think happens to a lot of us. We have no friends, we've got no community or connection, except we're just texting people every once in a while. Or we'll talk on the phone while we're on the road

or whatever. We owe a lot of money, we've got a house, we've got a mortgage, we've got a car payment, we've got some credit cards here and there. We're just kind of out there. We don't move very much. And I can go on and on and on. I'll put it as simply as I can your body would be failing you if it let you sleep knowing you're the only

person in your tribe your body would be failing you if it let you sleep knowing you alone are responsible for protection provision provision, for safety, for gathering, it would be failing you. It would be failing you if it knew that if one boss decided to let you go, they're gonna take your home, your cars, your food, right? Because you're leveraged with your finances. So all these things that we do on a regular basis, let's say you put your head on your pillow

and it just starts spinning. A lot of us are just have podcasts in our ears all day. Every day we got music, we've got phone, like we're just jam packed. And so when we put our head on our pillow, that's the first time our body can exhale and go, hey, you're not paying attention, we're about to die. You're all by yourself and what it's gonna happen.

And then, you know what I mean? And it just spins and spins and spins and spins. And that's that adrenaline and that's that cortisol dump. And then you're back up and you're back at them again Yeah Yeah, so I'll tell you a great exercise you get home you meal prep you go lift Okay, you meet a couple of friends what time you get off of work Usually afternoon

Two to four let's call it. Perfect. Get home, meal prep, or you know what? Don't meal prep, go straight to the gym. I'm gonna tell you right now for the first 30 days, it's gonna be hellacious. Cause you're gonna be tired from driving and you're gonna be all stiff and wonky.

I'm gonna hook you up with any workout from my buddies at Mind Pump, okay? They're the best of the best workout programs. I got five million of them in there. They're the ones I use on it. I just did one before I came here. So I got off the plane, went home, exercised, and I came up here to the office. They're amazing.

But I'll hook you up with those and I want you to go straight to the gym and do it. Okay? And then come home, meal prep, call a buddy, and then y'all go out and have dinner When you get home, I want you to this is gonna sound so cheesy and nerdy just two dudes talking here I want you to have some sort of journal that you write out how the day went how you're feeling But you're scared about what you're happy to do what? That I can do I recently started journaling awesome. And here's what we're doing We're getting those we're teaching our body that there's a process for these thoughts.

That it doesn't need to spin us up. It doesn't need to get our attention with these anxiety alarms. It doesn't need to drag us underwater. We're, you're driving, you're good, you know. My guess is after 30 days, your body will be so tired from exercise from intentionality and movement you'll begin to fall asleep sooner and sooner and sooner.

Yeah, well that sounds pretty good. Yeah and again I'm in I know my supplement routine I want to be in the habit of I don't get out of my skis I'm not a nutritionist I don't have a PhD in nutrition, and I'm not a medical doctor. So you can get online and find some of these guys protocols that they put out there. Lane Norton, Dr. Norton, Dr. Huberman, Dr. Attia, those are some great guys. Dr. Walker, some great guys you can listen to.

And they put out some, all of them have different protocols and they're all valid and they're all good. Mine's different, it's kind of a combo of all of theirs. And it changes with some regularity. Last night I was on the road and I had a different one that I'd have at my house, but all that's just me tinkering with it, okay? All that to say is be hyper intentional for 30 days.

Be hyper intentional for 30 days, 60 days. Just give yourself two months to try. And if your chronotype is so set that man, you just life happens for you between the hours of 9 p.m. and midnight, then you might need to think about as a single guy, I'm gonna start looking to shift either my delivery schedule or can I go to the warehouse?

Or I might need to start going to night school and I'm gonna cash out on some sleep for about a year then I'm gonna get trained in something else. I'm gonna go to something else but all this Rest on this one moment good for you for trying to prioritize sleep and recognizing how freaking important sleep is to every facet of your life and if Your body won't let you sleep. it's one of those core, core functions. Often, in my experience, the body is not the problem.

The body's trying to get your attention and let you know there's other stuff that's unresolved. Relationships, finance, safety, professional work, purpose, whatever it may be, time, always shoving new info in your head over and over and over and over right having no space. There's no prayer and meditation There's no time for stillness. So if your body's trying to keep you awake honor it And here's one last thing if you go to sleep You finally get yourself to bed at nine o'clock you crash and you're back up at 1030 and you lay there for five or ten Minutes just get up. Have a chair that you go read in, that you go watch an office episode rerun

and get out of bed and let your body start over again. Have another cup of tea, have another cup of organified gold and then go back to bed. And then we'll do this thing again. But if you stay there in bed, then your bed becomes a source of anxiety and tension and you don't wanna go get in bed and it starts frustrating you and ah.

And by the way, don't go to war with your body. If it wakes you up in the middle of the night, you can ask your, you can go, this sucks, I was gonna try to prep. Dude, then your body's off to war. Or you can go, man, you woke me up again. Wonder what you're trying to protect me from. You can go grab your journal. You can go grab, you know, the office or whatever,

and just reset. Be curious with yourself. Don't be judgmental and angry. Hope that helps my brother. I've wrestled my entire life with sleep. And after about a year and a half, two years of freakishly devoted attention to it, man, I could fall asleep just about anywhere now.

So thanks for the call. I'm confident you can get there. Check out again, Dr. Matthew Walker's work. We'll link to it in the show notes here and be really curious with yourself. Thanks for the call, brother. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp.

All right, October is the season for wearing costumes and masks. And if you haven't started planning your costume yet, get on it. I'm pretty sure I'm going as Brad Pitt in Fight Club era because I mean, we pretty much have the same upper body, but whatever. All right, look, it's costume season.

And let's be honest, a lot of us hide our true selves behind costumes and masks more often than we want to. We do this at work, we do this in social setting, we do this around our families, we even do this with ourselves. I have been there multiple times in my life and it's the worst.

If you feel like you're stuck hiding your true self, I want you to consider talking with a therapist. Therapy is a place where you can learn to accept all the parts of yourself, where you can learn to consider talking with a therapist. Therapy is a place where you can learn to accept all the parts of yourself, where you can learn to be honest with yourself, and you can take off the mask and the costumes and learn to live an honest, authentic, direct life. Costumes and masks should be for Halloween parties,

not for our emotions and our true selves. If you're considering therapy, I want you to call my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy. You can talk with your therapist anywhere so it's convenient for your schedule. You just fill out a short online survey and you get matched with a licensed therapist.

Plus you can switch therapists at any time for no additional cost. Take off the costumes and take off the masks with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Deloney. All right, we are back.

Oh, I forgot to say with that last caller, Kelly, you know what has been transformative with sleep is magnesium. You know, it's funny because I was in here going magnesium. Yeah, I don't know why. I just let my mind, but magnesium, magnesium, magnesium. You know, it's funny because I was in here going magnesium. Yeah, I don't know why. I just let my mind, but magnesium, magnesium, magnesium. And he can find that on Thorne as well. Yeah, and Thorne does not have, they've got the... I don't want to get into all the labels. I don't be nerdy, but check out magnesium.

It's been a game changer for me recently. It's been awesome. I've just kind of like overdone it to the point that I'm in a meeting and I'm like, I gotta go. But it's been pretty amazing. All right, let's go out to Manitoba, Canada and talk to Madison. Hey Madison, what's going on? Hi Dr. John. How are you? I'm great. How about you? I'm okay. What's up? So my question is, how do I guide my daughter in her relationship while handling my own heartbreak? Oh man, what happened? So when I was 17, I got pregnant.

Her dad was in and out throughout her first year of life. And then I got pregnant by him again when she was a year old. So we moved into an apartment. I ended up, within 21 days, there was a restraining order because of physical assault. And then fast forward, I focused on myself and my kids. I got a degree. I met the man of my dreams, got married, had another baby,

got pregnant again, had another baby, got pregnant again, had another baby and when I was four months pregnant, my husband separated from me. Good Lord. I'm sorry. Yeah. Geez. It's hard. So that's, my daughter is only five months old. Hold on, hold on, hold on.

Sit with it, sit with it, sit with it, sit with it. Don't run. Sorry. It's okay. Don't run. Sorry. It's okay. Don't be sorry. That's still right up there, up top, huh? Oh yeah. It's not what I want at all. No. Wanted. Can we never, ever, ever, ever call him the man of your dreams again? Yeah. Yeah.

Let's never refer to him that again. Here's why. There's a part of that that makes you the cognitive dissonance that makes you feel crazy. Because he wasn't the man of your dreams. He's a guy who pretended to be and then he left you. Okay. Is that fair? Yeah, yeah. I've never thought of it that way. I know that's why you didn't call, but if you keep calling him, my man of my dreams, and then this happened, there's a gap of reality there. He wasn't. He's a terrible human being that left a pregnant wife and his baby.

I'm sorry that happened. You're like, yeah, wait a minute. Is that cool? Yeah. Okay. Never again. Deal? Okay. Okay.

Deal. All right. Okay. Now, so then what happened? So your baby girl was five months old. Yeah. Okay. So, but my, my oldest is 14.

And she is now exploring relationships and she's in her first relationship. And though I know relationships are good developmentally for them, I am having a hard time accepting it. I feel like I want to protect her. 14 is too young. 14 is too young. Okay. 14 is too young.

Okay, so I'm not- You're not crazy. It's not just me being anxious and fearful. My kids, I mean, I'll just put it out there and people can, they're going to blow me up on the comments and they're allowed to, but I don't care. And I'm allowed to do that. My kids won't date can they're gonna blow me up on the comments and they're allowed to but I don't care and I'm allowed to do that my kids won't date until they're 16 and even then it's gonna be strongly strongly prefer that they dating groups okay my son or my daughter could probably make me a

compelling argument but I would want to meet the person they're gonna go out with and call me old-fashioned but I'm gonna reach out to the parents of the person my kids going out with also This isn't a game for me. These are my kids Yeah Okay. Yeah, and I feel that way too. I just feel like this whole separation has put a lot of Stress because I feel like I'm doing it all by myself You are doing all by myself. You are You are doing all by yourself and you're not crazy, okay when somebody leaves us

They don't ever tell us if somebody leaves you They don't tell you they tell you they tell you like if that guy leaves his wife, his pregnant wife and their little baby, that he's a terrible guy and whatever, they don't tell you the other part of that, which is you look in the mirror and you say, how did I miss this? And then you are unable to trust you, right? Yeah. And you don't know what to buy.

You don't know where to walk. You don't know when to go to bed. You don't know anything. And your gut is saying, don't know what to buy. You don't know where to walk. You don't know when to go to bed. You don't know anything. And your gut is saying, don't let my 14 year old go out into the world because your body still remembers you at 17. How old are you now? I'm 33.

Yeah, you're in the thick of this. You're not crazy. Okay. Okay. Okay? And here, here, that's a, that's a tough cat to put back in the back. Have you sat down with your 14 year old and just kind of laid it all out for her about life at 17? Pregnant, scared, abused? Um, no, because I don't want to hurt her dad is still in the picture though very seldom It's time. So I don't want to ruin that relationship

You didn't he did when he hit you You didn't he did when he left you have to protect your daughter from guys like him, okay and I'm overstating it here. You don't have to say he was abusive and he was evil and he was awful. You can tell him I had no business being alone with an older guy at 17 years old.

Had no business being sexually active at 17 years old. And I wish an adult had protected me from myself for crying out loud. The government wouldn't even let me buy cigarettes and here I was creating a human, right? Yeah, absolutely. And so you can tell your 14 year old, is your 14 year old already sexually active?

No, I don't think so. Okay, you need to know so. You only need to have that conversation, your mom. Okay? Okay. Repeat after me, I'm not me. I'm not crazy. I'm not crazy. It's my job to protect my daughter.

My job to protect my daughter. That's right. She's a kid. She's a child. Can I also tell you something wild? Yeah. Say repeat after me. It can be both and. it can be both and.

It can be both and. You would never wish getting pregnant on a 17 year old ever to anyone. And also you look at that 14 year old and thank God she's in your life, right? Absolutely. It's both and you feel crazy. Both are true. It's both and you feel crazy. Both are true. It's okay. I know I've told my kids multiple times that I wish they, that it's very important that they don't go down my path in life because this is not, it's not easy.

I know, but listen, when a parent tells that to a child, the child doesn't really know what that means. It's a parent's job to do the best they can to keep them from going down that path. Okay. And telling a 14 year old not to be curious, not to have their, his or her entire body taken over by being just infatuated with somebody, not to be curious about what body parts look like

and feel like. I mean, that's madness. That's what their, I mean, their whole bodies are on fire. That's why they have adults. Well, and I just worry because I know I, I didn't have a good relationship with my dad. And I feel like that's kind of what led me into searching for that love.

And I, I worry about that with, with my daughter because she has now had two men come in and out of her life. Two men or two boys? Two boys. Okay. We're about to have a whole other conversation. Hopefully it's two boys. So-

Two males. Yeah. Open permissiveness is not the path to your kid's heart. Open permissiveness is not the path to your kid's heart. Being seen, believing them, letting them be heard, and then giving them firm connected boundaries is how you love a teenager. And your job is not to be liked. It's not the goal, She's not your friend.

And that means she's gonna get mad when you say, hey, I'm sorry, I blew it. No more boyfriends till you're 16. I blew it, I'm sorry. I'm gonna take you out for pancakes. I'm gonna tell you what happened to me. Okay. Okay. And oh my gosh, are you serious?

Yep, I am. By the way, if she's 14 with a smartphone, it's time for that to go too. Okay. And if she starts getting mad, just be like, hold up Instagram and be like, it was this guy, he told me, it was him, he told me to do this.

But here's what I want you to take back your home. I want you to take back your children. Because I think you feel out of control. And like your vote doesn't matter. It feels like your vote doesn't matter. And I'm telling you right now, your vote is the only one that matters in their life. Period. Okay.

And you're also though, hey, listen, you're not just going to be able to cut everybody off. You're going to have to backfill that and it's going to be exhausting. Okay. Yep. Like if she can't go out on Fridays with boys or can't go whatever, then you take her phone away, she's gonna stare at you.

And then y'all are gonna have to play dominoes or y'all are gonna have to go, I'll even say that y'all go get video games or go to concerts or go for walks or go to the gym, do something, but y'all gonna have to figure that out. I think parents sometimes realize they're over their heads, they cut everything off, and then they make their kids crazy on the other side, right? Yeah.

Do you, are you, are you raising four kids by yourself? Um, so my, my younger two, like my, my ex-husband is, is in the picture. We're going through separation lawyers at the moment. But the other, the older two, I am on my own with them. Okay. So will you split custody with the younger two? Eventually. With my two-year-old, yes. But with my five-month-old, it's not there yet

because she's so young. Okay. Okay. Given your 14 year old a purpose in that home, like a mom looking at her 14 year old and saying, this is not your job in any way, shape, form or fashion, but I'm going to need you around here. And you can be mad at me, you can be mad at me you can be frustrated but you're too smart and you're too capable and you're too creative I need you I want you around and I'm gonna show you that's gonna be really tough but I think that's a cool thing okay okay you're not crazy I promise you. Okay. Will you call me anytime you need something?

Absolutely. Okay. Thank you. Hey listen, i'm sorry this is happening Me too. I'm real sorry And if you ever want to call back, I won't talk to minors on this show But if you ever want to call back and have her on with us, I'm happy to talk to you all together. That'd be fun. Okay. She's going to be like, no chance, no way, no, but I'm willing to give it a, to give it a whirl. Um, there's a phenomenal book by Dr. Matei, um, G A B O R M A T E. It's called take back your children. Kelly, we Google that real quick. Take back your kids. Hold onto your kids. There it is-E. It's called Take Back Your Children. Kelly, will you Google that real quick?

Take Back Your Kids. Hold on to your kids? Hold on to your kids, there it is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hold on to your kids. That's a phenomenal read. Phenomenal, phenomenal read. If any parent there is feeling crazy,

like I feel like I'm losing something in my gut, says no, no, no, no, no, no, no, this isn't right. But there, you know, some teacher or some school thing or Instagram is telling you something else read that book and read Jonathan Hyatt's like your Hyatt's book the anxious generation it's just time as parents we take back our kids stop outsourcing that to other people to other teenagers to other whatever if we don't stand up for our kids, I'm telling you, they will become fodder for other people and companies. My kids and my house. That's our job. Make sure to call Madison. Stay in there. Stay in the fight. Stay in the fight. Stay

in the fight. We'll be right back. Hey, what's up? Deloney here. I am just super excited to announce I'm hitting the road with my buddy Dave Ramsey this spring on a brand new tour, just us two. We're putting a new twist on this thing. We're going to talk about money. We're going to talk about relationships. We're going to tell stories you all have never heard before. It's going to be an incredible fun night. But every night is going to be totally different because you, the audience, are going to help choose what we talk about.

You heard that right. It's going to be like no event you've ever been to. We're kicking it off in Louisville on April 21st, 2025, and then we're going to Durham, Atlanta, Phoenix, Fort Worth, and then Kansas City. You're going to laugh, you're going to learn, and if we do our jobs right, you're gonna change your life. Get your tickets for the Money in Relationships Tour today at ramsysolutions.com slash tour. All right, we are back. Kelly, am I the problem? Go.

All right, this is from Steph. She says, hi Dr. John and Kelly, I have an am I the problem question. I would love to know if I am the problem of the scenario in my life. My husband obsesses over the gym constantly. He is always needing to go almost every single day and I am growing very tired of it. I understand going to the gym is important for his mental, physical health, but I can't help but feel both jealous and also very angry over it.

Here's some context. We have four kids, eight, five, two, and three months. He is always, quote unquote, needing to go to the gym after work. Bye, Felicia. And it always hits on the kids' witching hour. I feel like he's leaving me to the wolves while he goes and enjoys his nice gym time, and I desperately want his help. I have voiced my concerns many, many, many times to no avail.

Even going to the point where I gave him my rings back and told him it was either the gym or his family. He straightened up for a week or two, then bam, he needed to go to the gym again. Am I the problem for needing this time, his time and energy to be put into the kids, or am I acting selfish for needing his time and help around here? He's always been an avid gym goer and I used to be as well, but I had to put that on the back burner for quite some time and I find it super unfair that he gets to go anytime he feels like it. He will choose going to the gym over sitting with his family for dinner and I'm extremely

fed up with the situation. Sorry if this was long. I don't know. Well, that doesn't matter. She said a bunch of other stuff too, but there was long. I don't know. Well, that doesn't matter. She said a bunch of other stuff too. But there we go. There's your question.

No, she is not the problem. As a guy who liked to go to the gym, especially to go hide at the gym from life and responsibilities, yeah, he's very much the problem. And by the way, I don't even, I'll even back out. Yes, it's easy to pick on him. Y'all are the problem.

This isn't about going to the gym. This is about a world that neither of y'all have created, that neither of y'all want to be in. And that's what needs to be addressed. Just stopping the gym, you're going to get a jerk at home. Stopping the gym, you're going to have a guy dropped in the middle of your world where he doesn't know the rules, he doesn't know how things go,

and you're gonna be frustrated. You're not doing this right. Y'all have to recreate a world where both of you can exercise, where both of you, and it's not gonna be two hours this time. You're gonna have to just, you have to get over it. Y'all are in the season. Y'all made four humans together.

That's a choice y'all made. So you're gonna have to cut in on gym time. Merry Christmas. It's called adulthood. And you're So you have to cut in on gym time. Merry Christmas. It's called adulthood and You're gonna have to have some sort of like y'all gonna become friends. Y'all got to reconcile your friendship together Y'all made a home you made a family and having two parallel lives where y'all hate each other It's not gonna work man. These kids are gonna absorb that. It's not fair for them. It's not fair for y'all Stop stop both of you. Stop.

But yes, as you pose the question, he needs to quit going to the gym and replug in with his home. You have to have a place where he can plug in too. And that means y'all both have to get away and say, okay, what we had is over. We had lives where we all both worked out forever. We were both smoke shows. We both did this, blah blah blah. That's over. Over. It doesn't exist. Now we have four kids. Eight? What? Five, three, blah, blah, blah. That's over, over. It doesn't exist. Now we have four kids, eight, what? Five, three, two, one, zero. There's a million kids in this house. Now we get to build a new world.

What is exercise? What is body stewardship? What does our friendship look like? What does us sleeping together look like? What does us laughing together? What's home look like? Y'all gotta build that up quick or this house is gonna catch on fire.

All right, that's it for that one. Kelly told me in my one-on-one to be punchy. I'm trying to be punchy today. It's like a 17 minute show. You're actually doing great. I love this. I'm so happy right now. This is happy. I'm so happy right now.

This is it. I'm Kelly. Yep. I'm overjoyed. So happy. Oh, I'm so happy right now. This is it. I'm Kelly. Yep. I'm overjoyed. So happy. I'm so happy. Love you guys, bye.