The Dr. John Delony Show - I Left My Wife for Another Woman and It Was a Mistake

Episode Date: July 12, 2023

On today’s show, we hear about: - A man who deeply regrets leaving his wife for another woman - A woman struggling with survivor’s guilt after three of her siblings overdosed - A couple unsure who to designate as their kids’ guardian in their will Lyrics of the Day: "Ironic" - Alanis Morissette Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show.  Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp DreamCloud Hallow Thorne Add products to your cart create an account at checkout Receive 25% off ALL orders Resources: Own Your Past, Change Your Future Questions for Humans Conversation Cards Redefining Anxiety Quick Read John’s Free Guided Meditation Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately. Learn more about your ad choices. https://www.megaphone.fm/adchoices Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. It's myself and three other siblings. Are you the one that made it? Yes, I am 8,618 days sober. Congratulations. Wow! But it's hard knowing that I am the only one who survived. I know.

What is going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. We're talking to real people who are experiencing life, the ups, the downs, the good, the bad, and they are trying to figure out what to do next. And on this show, we walk alongside each other as we try to make the next right good decision. If you want to be on the show, we're talking about mental health,

we're talking about emotional health, we're talking about marriage, relationships, dating, kids, whatever you got going on, pets. I don't know a lot about pets, but I'm happy to laugh with you. If you want to be on the show, give me a buzz. 1-844-693-3291. 1-844-693-3291. 1-844-693-3291.

Or go to johndeloney.com slash ask. A-S-K. And Kelly, you're rocking the hot pink earrings today. Well done. It's awesome. Thank you.

I also have hot pink heels on, but nobody can see this. Y'all wouldn't think that she matches her earrings with her shoes, but that's how Kelly rolls. I think that's fantastic. And I just bought a guitar that looks exactly like your earrings. Oh, you ended up with a hot pink one?

It's incredible. We had discussions about a KMO versus hot pink, and I was very much championing the hot pink. Nice job. My seven-year-old daughter's eyes lit up, so I'm very excited. And I'm glad that I have a guitar that matches your earrings.old daughter's eyes lit up, so I'm very excited. And I'm glad that I have a guitar that matches your earrings. That's one of my life goals

that I can check off. You can borrow them anytime you like. I actually still have the holes in my ears from when that was cool, which, guys, it's not cool. It's just not cool. It's just not cool. All right, let's go out to Raleigh, North Carolina

and talk to Dan the Man. What's up, Dan? Hey, how are you, sir? Outstanding, brother. Outstanding, outstanding. So, man, what's happening? Again, let me preface this by saying I know I'm not the good guy here. I'm just trying to

figure out how to get my life back. Cool. Tell me what happened, man. About a year ago, I entered into an affair with someone at work. Okay. And blindsided my wife and moved in with another woman. And for just the last year, you know, we've had our ups and downs.

We've had some communication issues and a lot going on. Now, well, I guess not now, but ultimately, she had a child. It was just a year, over a year old. And I raised this child like my own. And the father was in the picture. He's a good dad.

He's there. But it's caused some issues in the fact that around Christmas time, we decided that we wanted to do one Christmas because I saw how having two separate Thanksgivings, you know, it just devastated the mom. And ultimately, he never left. He sort of just moved in, and then we made it official, so it was me, I guess my girlfriend, and the father of her child under one roof, along with the toddler.

And there was always some friction there. Again, he was a nice guy. But, you know, it was just a very weird dynamic. You think? Yes. Like, there had to have been a point when you were thinking, like, just sitting on the toilet, just scrolling Instagram,

you were like, this probably is not a great idea. Yeah, well, you know, I'm not big into social media. I stay away from that. Well, good God almighty. You know what I'm trying to say. Like, at some point, you're like, this is a terrible idea. So, was your wife, I mean, I'm sorry, was your girlfriend, I mean, were y'all like a throuple? Were y'all all in this together

or was she dating two guys or no she was she was just dating me but no way no way of course she hooked back up with him

no no no it was it was very weird but it wasn't it wasn't like that she you know he had a lot of debt and he didn't have anywhere else to go really. And she didn't want to take time away from him with this child.

Or at least that was her thought process. There was no thinking going on at all. But okay. So bring me to, bring me to now. Yeah. Yeah. So let me, let me. So let me just recap. So you're married.

How long were you married? It was going to be eight years in August of last year. So at seven years, you bailed and moved in with somebody at work. So you had met somebody at work. You fell in love. she was your girlfriend, you moved out on your wife, just blindsided your wife, moved out. Did you divorce your wife or did you all just get separated? We are currently separated.

So you're not officially divorced? Correct. Why hasn't she filed on you or you on her? Well, we're doing a simple divorce. so we've been a year apart, and then it should be a pretty simple process for that, because no one's trying to get anything from anyone. Oh, I forgot. North Carolina's got some of the

stupidest rules when it comes to that crap. So, so, then you move in with this woman, and you have normal relationship issues and probably some good times and probably some what in the world times. And she's got a one year old. And then at Thanksgiving,

um, there's two different Thanksgivings. And then y'all were like, let's don't do that at Christmas. And so baby daddy comes to stay for Christmas And then just Like moves in Yes And

Um Jerry Jerry Jerry Alright so then what That obviously You know cuts down on The intimacy factor

No No it doesn't Yes it does Believe it or not No way No way. No way. And, you know, I feel like I have done everything I possibly could to make it work. I basically changed, you know, everything I didn't do before.

I tried to emphasize me doing, and it was an extremely rewarding experience. But, you know, every, every day I woke up, I knew that if I had tried that hard with my wife, you know, I wouldn't be in that position. Why'd you leave your wife? Well, at the time, and I say this at the time because I have, you know, hindsight of me just being a moron. Why'd you leave your wife? She said, you know, she wasn't sure if she was really a believer anymore and she said she was

she said she wasn't really sure if she wanted to have kids anymore but I mean that's what I called myself at the time, but it was really, you know, I didn't feel like I mattered. She was locked in. Sorry.

You're all right, man. You're all right. Just take a breath. Talk directly into your phone for me. I want to make sure we get all this. She was, you know, locked in. she had it together we had a good life um i just didn't feel like i mattered it didn't matter if i it was there or not um i knew she she had it she's a thousand times smarter than me, by the way, obviously.

So that's what I told myself. So this happens over time. And the whole time, or at some point during this time, there's a coworker that's hilarious. Kind of pretty at first and gets more pretty over time and like you wouldn't believe. Do what? Like you wouldn't believe, John. Yeah.

Laughs at your jokes. Puts your hand on your shoulder when she's telling you a funny thing or on your forearm. Just little gentle things like that. And you suddenly for the first time in a long time, feel that terrifying feeling of alive again. Yes, sir.

And then you can look back at your home life and come up with any number of reasons why this is the right thing and what you've been doing for the last seven or eight years is the wrong thing. Yes. Yes. Yes. So you've burned through a year.

You know that's a mess. Yeah. And now what? So a few weeks ago, or a couple weeks ago, I, she asked me, my girlfriend texted me, hey, do you want to meet at a place, Cary? It's a local town over here. And I say, sure.

And I go over there and we go into the Whole Foods to get some snacks. You know, it's not unusual for her to do this kind of thing where we just have a little picnic and we go over because they have a little play area where kids can play she takes me over there and she says i can't do this um because our lease was coming up or it was it's expiring i can't move to a new home with you. I can't live with two men I'm not married to anymore. And I can't take time away from the father of my child. Like, I can't take time away from him and his son. So, that's, I,

So you got dumped? I got dumped. Yeah. And, you know, in a split second, I lost everything I had.

Yeah. And, was blindsided. And obviously, there's some kind of larger humor here for everything I did to someone

yeah I think Alanis Morissette sang about that right yeah and so how can I how can I help you right now man

I know you're hurt I woke yeah I woke up the next day at a rest home not a rest home. Not a rest home, like a rest area. I'm not that old.

Rest area. And I've never felt more alone in my life. Not a single time. And I just didn't know what to do. So I texted my wife. I was like, hey, here's what happened. You can track me now on Google Maps. Just keep an eye on me if you don't mind.

And then I asked if she wanted to just meet up to talk later and she said sure. She responded immediately and she was you know since that she's just been

an absolute rock for me again. And I don't know what to do. I just want my life back whatever that looks like I want to be okay I think you can be okay the life you had is over

and the longer you try to pretend the last year didn't happen the longer you try to pretend the last year didn't happen, the longer you try to avoid the fact that you ripped some woman's heart out, the longer you try to not feel the fact that your heart just got ripped out, that's a recipe for disaster down the road. It's grief. It's heartache. It's grief. It's heartache.

It's shame. It's all of that. And if you try to run past this and try to over, like, end around this thing, it will haunt you. Physiologically. This is not just woo-woo.

This is neuroscience. It will haunt you. There is no going, There is no going back. The beautiful thing is you can build something else. I think when, you know, a year ago, I sort of just buried myself in my work and, you know, poured myself into my girlfriend and this child.

And I don't want to bury anything this time. Good. But this is just me, and you're a grown-up, and your wife's a grown-up. I'm talking to you as though you're one of my close buddies. I would tell you she doesn't... You don't get to just run back to her and say, my bad. Now, she may love you forever

and be willing to take you right back and all that. I don't even know if that's what you're asking. But I think you're going to be responsible for, well, I think you're responsible for a couple of different things. Number one, you've got to be responsible for your healing. And of course you're worthy of being loved, but right now you may not be worthy of dating or being married to. And you may have a lot of work to do on becoming marriage material, becoming romantically involved material. That's nothing to do with your lovability

and your intrinsic worth as a person. Do you see the difference there? Yeah. If your wife was my close friend I would tell her to be very very careful with you because you just had your heart broken and you're vulnerable

absolutely and I mean even looking back a couple weeks ago I just feel like it was so selfish of me to contact her at all no I mean it was but you're also it's selfish to

I mean I guess it's technically selfish if you're drowning to scream at somebody you know in the lifeguard stand and say help me I guess that's inherently selfish because I don't want to drown, but that's the right thing to do. I think that's a good signal to you

that you've got to be about the business of making friends and getting some community in your life and getting some accountability and some men in your life that you trust that can speak into your life. And possibly, not possibly, 100% before the day's over, calling and getting a counselor or a therapist in your community. And I know there's some great ones in Raleigh, North Carolina.

Yeah. Yeah. A dear friend of mine that spoke to my wedding, who's a pastor, I called him too. And I met with him last week. And I'm meeting with him in a few hours today. Okay, but listen, he doesn't get to be your therapist.

He gets to be your friend. Yeah. He gets to refer you. And you have to be very intentional about asking him, I need referrals to professionals because I need you as my friend. What does that mean? He needs to hold the right to call you really stupid. Like what you're doing is dumb

or what you're doing isn't healthy or get off the couch, we're going running or whatever, we're going to the gym right now. He needs to preserve that and you need to go do hard therapy with a professional therapist. And there's a powerful difference. Okay.

And you've got to hear me. There is no going back. You don't get your old life back. It's over. It's over. The mission before you is, what are you going to build next? What are you going to build moving forward?

And it's going to take a long time. That's not something to be scared of. In fact, it's the opposite. It's something to settle into. It's going to be a bunch of tiny decisions that you make every single day. They're going to start to create new habits. They're going to start to create new ways. You see the world and experience the world and think

about the world and the world thinks and experiences you. And then you're going to make some major changes. And I think if you haven't already, I think there's something very important, not for something back, not for an ROI, but you may have gotten a glimpse now. And I only think it's a glimpse because you were playing house with somebody for a year and also with her other boyfriend who she had a kid by, that whole weird thing. You got a glimpse of the pain your wife experienced. Just a glimpse. But I think there's something about getting down on your knees in front of her and saying how gut-wrenchingly sorry you are. And maybe this divorce continues on. Maybe I'll find reconciliation down the road. That's not a today conversation. The today conversation is I need to take a knee before the woman I promised my life to and let her know,

I hurt you so bad and I'm sorry. And my mission in life is to become a man that will never hurt somebody like that ever, ever, ever again, myself included. I think you can do that. I wouldn't do the show if I didn't believe in that sort of restoration, but it's going to be tough.

And you're going to have to be very vulnerable and very honest. And most importantly, you're going to have to do stuff you've never done before in terms of telling the truth and letting your needs be heard. And I'm not, this isn't the place for me. I'm not going to beat you up on this show. I know you're hurting bad right now.

I know you're hurting bad. Don't give up on you, man. We'll be with you every step of the way. Hang on the line and I'll send you a copy of Own Your Past, Change Your Future. Stay on the line, Jenna. We'll send that to you. Just my treat. If I can help you in any way, brother, holler at me, okay? But today, when you go talk to your buddy, say, I need you to be my friend moving forward. I need some references because I got some hard work I got to do ahead. And then call that wife of yours, sit down, take a knee and say, sorry. That level of vulnerability, that's the soil that we'll start planting new seeds in. We'll be right back.

Hey, good folks, let's talk about hallow. All right, I say this all the time. We'll be right back. especially if you don't consider yourself religious, if you question things, or if you've been burned by a church experience in the past, it's hard to want to get together with other people. And that's another reason why I love Hallow. You can personalize your prayer experience with Hallow and they give you three free months to do it. You can pray or meditate by yourself, or you can connect with friends, with family, a prayer group, or some other community that you choose.

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You can choose your guide, your background schedule. You can choose your guide, your background music. You can create your own personal prayer plan and more. I've made it a personal point to begin my day every single day with the hallow meditation on the scripture of the day. It's a discipline and it's a practice. And here's what I'm learning. As with anything of importance and meaning, prayer takes intentionality, practice, and showing up even when I don't feel like it, and even I don't want to. This is discipline. Sometimes you do this by yourself, and sometimes you do this with a group, and Halo helps you with both. Download the number one prayer app on planet

earth, Halo, right now. And listen, viewers and listeners of this show get three free months when you go to halo.com slash Deloney. It's amazing. Three, get three free months when you go to hallow.com slash Deloney. It's amazing. Three free months of the app when you go to hallow.com slash Deloney. Go right now and change your life. All right, we're back. Let's go out to San Antonio, Texas and talk to Kendra. What's up, Kendra?

How are you? I'm partying. We are doing great. So what's up? How can I help? I have a question about how to deal with survivor's guilt. Ooh, what happened? So I am a 10 on the ACEs score. Holy smokes. I came from a very, very abusive childhood. Yeah. My mother had a severe drug problem. Okay. It's myself and three other siblings, and I am currently...

Are you the one that made it? Yes. I am 8,618 days sober. Congratulations. Wow! Kendra, that's amazing. But it's hard knowing that I am the only one

that survived. I know. Are your brothers and sisters still alive and hurting? They are not. My sister, Melissa, OD'd in 99. My brother, Josh, OD'd in 2001. And I have another brother that OD'd in 2014. Good God almighty.

You guys lived in hell, didn't you? We did. What was your path out? Determination. I was determined. When I was 15, I got pregnant with my son, Luke. My son ended up, I ended up being shot when my son was six. Bullet went through my leg, killed my son.

That's when I broke my sobriety. Because literally the day that my son died, I wanted to die. Yeah. I had a very, very lovely woman, his grandmother, who said, no, my wife is not going to go down like this. And she literally held me hostage for three days to get me

clean again. Oh, because you were heading out, huh? I was done. Yeah. You were heading out. I've been sober ever since she had a massive stroke about two years after I got clean

and I have pretty much anytime I remotely think that life's not going the way it needs to I hear that woman's voice in my head she's your guardian angel, isn't she? She definitely is.

You may have heard me say this on the show, but there was a great conversation years ago with somebody who'd been to parts of the world where there was just mass slaughter of people, and they asked the pastor there, how do you still believe in God with all of this death and destruction? And where's God in all this? And the pastor looked at him kind of cold and said, oh, I stopped asking where's God a long time ago. I started asking where's God's people?

When did they show up? And I don't know if this person was religious or not But this is one of those holy moments When somebody Saw you And took you and said not on my watch She was definitely religious She was The most devout Catholic Southern New Orleans woman you would ever meet in your life That's one of my favorite people in the world to be around.

Because they can out-cook you and out-swear you and out-Bible you all at the same time. Those people are amazing. She can do all of it. Exactly. All right, so what happened? So you're talking, you have experienced and seen. How whole are you right now?

Can I be pretty specific for our listening audience? I don't want to melt you here on this call, but I want them to have some sort of picture about what you've experienced. I have two grown kids. I have a seven- old grandbaby. I, um, work in 90 hours a week. So like trying to be out of debt and change my generational drama. Um, so I'm not working. I am trying to be working. Like, I am burying myself in working, because if I'm not working, my mind goes, I don't deserve.

Okay. You don't deserve this beautiful, healthy grandbaby. You don't deserve two grown kids that have turned into relatively all right adults. Are they relatively all right adults? They are wonderful adults. I have one that graduated two years early. I have another one that graduated with honors. I,

I, I don't know as a single mom how I ended up having two amazing kids. I'll tell you. You want to hear it? Yes. What's one of my core principles on this show? I will never lie to you. I'll tell you exactly how

two amazing kids made their way into the world and grew into two amazing functional adults because they had a gangster of a mom. And that doesn't mean that mom didn't need somebody to grab her by the hair and keep her alive for three days. As she held her baby boy as he bled out right in front of her. That doesn't mean you didn't need help along the way.

And that doesn't mean you got real lucky sometimes. But it does mean that they had a mama that changed their family tree. I'm definitely trying. No, no, no, honey. You clawed through concrete to create a new path for those kids, and you did. Here's the ugly thing about survivor's guilt. Tell me if I'm on to something, okay? There's usually, I call it the haunting.

There's a couple of things that haunt people with survivor's guilt. The first thing is I should have or I could have. Should have gone back for brother and sister. I could have gone back and done this if I had just done this or if I had just done that. Is that there? Every day.

Okay. That's number one. It is absolutely stone not true. Okay? You have escaped a nuclear reaction and the temptation is to go make yourself into the hero that could have walked through radiation and all of the blast fallout to rescue people. And that's simply, you couldn't have done it. It's not true. That's number one. Number two, you're haunted by being on the outside of your tribe.

And this sounds crazy to people who hear your story. They're like, you have an ACEs score of freaking 10? Like, that means you literally lived in hell. And every loved one you have around you has died. And it doesn't make sense, but you left your tribe in order to survive. And there's a part of you that says, but those are my people. Fair?

Definitely fair. People like us don't sleep through the night and hold healthy grandbabies. People like us don't work 90 hours a week. We just get checks in the mail. People like us have to steal the last two and a half weeks of the month because we smoked the other half or we snorted the other half or we pilled out the other half. Fair?

Very fair. there. So sometimes survivor's guilt is a proxy pain for disconnection from what feels like our roots. Because those

kind of people are the ones that have healthy families. We are the kind that burn this thing to the ground.

And the third one, the haunting is the question that is the worst one, the haunting is the question that is the worst one, I think, because it has no answer. And that is why me.

Like, how in the hell did I get out? Why did I get picked? Why do I got to carry all this stuff? Absolutely. And why does

every day feel like I have to fight for it? Mm-hmm. So, let me paint you a different picture Absolutely. And why does every day feel like I have to fight for it? answer to that question that I'll have on this side of being alive. If my faith beliefs are right, maybe I'll get an answer to that on the other side, but I ain't going to get that here. The question that's more important is, what am I going to do now? What am I going to do with this gift? I don't know why I got it. I don't even want it And it's hard to carry It's real real heavy Because inside this gift

Also is The haunting of my brother And my sister And my baby boy And my mom Even my dad My dad was evil But even my dad

They're all in this thing And this sucker's heavy To carry around Right? You still there? I am. Okay. It's heavy.

Every day I have to choose happiness. And sometimes it's harder than others. I got you. And then when I come up on birthdays or anniversaries or that's when it's hardest. on birthdays or anniversaries or... That's when it's hardest. Because how come I get to have a birthday and they don't? So can I give you permission just to be real sad on those days?

Yeah. Here's what I'd love for you to do. I'd love for you to write them a birthday card and read it to them on every birthday and every anniversary. Or write them a letter about all the cool stuff they're missing. And let them know how much you miss them. And let them know how pissed off you are

that they're not here. Let them know all of it. How cool this little grandbaby is. If you feel that sense of guilt and that sense of sadness and sense of brokenheartedness that they're not with you, they didn't get out to, and you run from it, that fire will eventually overtake you too. But if you will turn and walk directly back through that fire,

you're going to find out it's not burning anymore. And you're going to find out the ghosts of your brothers and your sisters and your baby are still there. And you can write them letters. And you can tell them I miss you. And you can tell them I'm living my best damn life for you. And what you're going to find is in five years, in seven years, you're going to accidentally forget one of those birthdays.

Not because you're bad. Not because you have no character and you can't believe you forgot. But because your body has finally let them go. They can finally go rest. Because right now you're dragging them around, right? Every day. Yeah.

It's time for them to go. It's time for them to go. And I know that's not an easy thing. It's going to take some time. But I do think it's worth your time writing them a letter. And every time your son's birthday comes around, you let your family know, Mama's going to be sad today.

I'm not going to do anything destructive. I'm not going to hurt myself. I'm not going to use again. But I am going to write my son a letter. I'm gonna take myself out to some sort of meal by myself Or i'm gonna throw a party i'm gonna do whatever you want to do That little boy's gonna be part of you for the rest of your life We got to stop asking the why me question and we got to start asking with a smile on our face and some adventure in our heart. What am I going to do now? How am I going to live the funnest,

most adventurous, most beautiful, reckless, generous life I can because they didn't get to. That makes sense. Instead of it being something that weighs you down, it becomes jet fuel in what comes next. How old are you?

I am 44. You're a 44-year-old grandma. Good gravy. Kendra, you're not even halfway done yet. Well. The Kendra party's just getting going. Have you gone to see a counselor? I've been in and out of counseling for the last 20 years.

Are you done with it? With counseling? No. Okay. I just put it on pause because I'm trying to pay off my house because nobody in four generations has ever owned a house. How close are you? $38,000. Until your house is paid off?

Until my house is paid off. I will be completely debt free and $38,000. How long is that going to take you? I know you already have that date circle on your calendar. How close are you? Three years and two days If I don't die of exhaustion I can't describe to you

How amazing you are And I know that doesn't make you feel better And that doesn't take away What happened to you When you were a little girl And that doesn't take away Your lost baby boy And those images in your mind I know that doesn't make you feel better and that doesn't take away what happened to you when you're a little girl and that doesn't take away your lost baby boy and those images in your mind, I know. But there's that great Terry Real quote that I just love,

which is, the family trauma rolls downhill like a forest fire, generation to generation, until one brave soul turns and stares it down and says, this stops with me. And it brings peace and laughter and joy to great grandkids that you will never meet. It also means that the person that stops and stares down a roaring forest fire gets burned and scarred along the way. And that's the position you've chosen. And generations will tell the story of Grandma Kendra.

Because she said no more. She said no more. The healing path out, if you were my sister or if you were like sitting down having dinner with me, here's what I would tell you.

You got to systematically start writing these folks letters that you lost and let them know how you're doing. And it's different than praying it out or just speaking it out

when you're mumbling around the house Or when you're outside in the backyard having a cigarette you got to be able to write it down and get out of your body Okay, even if you don't spell well if you're if your handwriting's off. I don't care any of that stuff But I want you to get a nice notebook and write it down And the next birthday that comes up of somebody that you've lost I want you to go to the store and buy a birthday card. Spend the four bucks on it. I know you're trying to pay off debt. Do it anyway.

Spend the money on it. And I want you to have some sort of private ceremony for them. Okay? And then the last thing is you got to, got to, got to get on the phone there in San Antonio. I know there's some incredible providers there in the state of Texas because I know them personally. And I want you to get on and go find a trauma counselor in your area

and say, I'm ready to fully set this childhood down. Set it down. And they might get with a medical provider because you might need some, the ACEs stuff. There's medical complications that come with an ACEs score of a 10 just over a lifetime. Heart issues and blood pressure,

all that kind of stuff. So I think sitting down with a doctor and saying, hey, I'm going to slow down my, maybe this is a good example. So if you're watching NASCAR and they're hammering it on that straightaway and they're going 250 miles an hour however fast they go I don't know how fast they go

And they start to make a turn they have to slow down to make that turn So that they can stay in the race and get to the next straightaway and hammer it again I want you to think of the next couple of months, going to see a doctor, going to see a trauma counselor. It's going to cost you money. You're going to have to slow down. You may have to miss a couple of shifts and it's going to slow down your progress. What you're doing is making a turn because if you just keep going this hard in three years, you're going to have a paid for house and you're going to be dead on the front porch. And I don't want that for you. I want you to pay this house off. You're going to be 50 years old. You're going to have the house

paid off. And I want you to sit on house off. You're going to be 50 years old. You're going to have the house paid off. And I want you to sit on that front porch being a crazy grandma Kendra to those grandkids and letting your grown kids go have hot dates with their husbands and wives or whatever's going on in your world. But I want you to slow down for just a minute and make that turn.

You're going to find out that when you make that turn and you get healthy, both emotionally and psychologically and physically, it's going to make those straightaways even faster than you can imagine. It's going to feel like you're slowing down and you're stopping, but it's not. It's just re-gearing. Okay? It's just making the turn.

It's being smart and being safe so that you can hit it on the way out. Talk to a lot of brave people. It's my job. I talk to a lot of courageous people. A lot of people are making some turns and you, my friend, Kendra, are at the very, very, very top of that list. I'm so, so proud of you. If I can help you in any way, holler at me, okay? I'll be with you every step of the way. When you pay that house off, you in any way, holler at me, okay? I'll be with you every step of the way. When you pay that house off, you're giving us a call back because you're going to do that debt-free scream. You're going to hear me cheering all the way from Nashville, Tennessee. Thank you, love. We'll be right back.

All right, we're back. Let's go to Albany, New York and talk to Ava. What's up, Ava? Hi. What's go to Albany, New York and talk to Ava. What's up, Ava? Hi. What's up? I'm living the dream. Anyone who says they're living the dream is like for sure not living the dream. I hope you are living the dream. I hope your life is dream worthy. What's up? Can't complain. Well, my question is... You could, but then you'd be kelly so there you go

all right go ahead um my question is uh what are some considerations when you are putting together a will as far as who will be the guardian of our children um Tell me more. So my husband and I have two small kids. They're four and five. And we don't have a will yet. I know we needed... Ah! Get one! Years ago. Sorry, years ago.

Today, today, today, today, today. Get one. Okay. Yes, yeah. But how do we pick a guardian? So I always thought my sister would be the guardian of our kids. We're pretty close. But she now has children of her own. Now she has a newborn and a two-year-old. And I feel like if anything were to happen to us, I'm going to add my kids who are all close in age too. And is that going to be more of a burden or? Have you asked her? I don't know. I haven't asked her, no.

Ask her. You're spending a lot of time in your head. This is where a lot of people get stuck because the thought of their kids waking up. I'm going to get real graphic right now. Is that okay? Yeah, yeah. I'll use my kids because it'll be easier to metabolize. The thought of my son opening his eyes and getting hit by that dump truck

of pain, knowing mom and dad are gone. I cannot wrap my head around that I don't have a picture in my head of my kid of my daughter Getting up and stumbling out of her room into the living room and we're gone Or I know I I have a picture of what her body posture would be If she walked out of a strange room down a strange hallway into a strange kitchen and some other adults were in there, even adults she knows, and mom and dad are gone. I know that picture. And I hate it. And I don't want it in my mind. Right?

Yeah. It's easier to not think about, but I know it's something that we have to you know yes ask and have a plan and because if you don't you are just suggesting not suggesting you are saying to the state of new york we would prefer that y'all make this decision not us and i don't live in new york but from afar i wouldn't put a ton of trust in that government at this moment. Nope. All right. So, and that's not even just goes for New York.

That goes for any state government. So we're faced with, I don't want to imagine this. And so when we don't want to imagine something, we get in everybody else's head around us and we create stories in their heads And it ends up shutting us down we end up not moving forward we don't do anything So step number one is ask your sister if that's the person that's the person Here's a couple things i'm going to look for number one um I want values to be in the neighborhood, right? They might go to

this church over this church, but if you want your kids raised with a certain faith tradition, that needs to be a part of it, right? Also knowing that their faith tradition may change when they're 15 or 16 or whatever, or the people raising your kids might change just like yours might change. That happens. It's life. You can't predict every variable out. But I also want people that I've seen have their own kids and they're doing a pretty good job at it. Like, I like how they raise their kids. I like how they handle conflict. I like how they don't freak out or they don't yell or whatever the thing is. The third thing, and this one's, this one's tougher. Um, and I might be in the minority on this one. And so if people want to make comments, make comments about me, not about you, Ava. Um,

but I want people in my local community that my kid, it will minimize the, um, it will minimize the transfer to my kids. What does that mean? My family is all in Texas. My closest friends in the world are all in Texas. If I lived in Texas and my friends and I, who they're over at my house all of the time and my family who's around, it would be a no brainer

that my kids would go with one of them. But now I've been in nashville tennessee for five years that world is foreign to my kids they don't know those people like i do they don't have those long-term relationships it would be terrifying and tragically uprooting to pick them up from everything they know in terms of sidewalks and schools and grass and weather and drop them in the middle of y'all just go do life there. And so we worked really hard to find people in our local community that we felt great about. And we asked them and they said, sure. And we probably every 18 months or so, we probably need to be a little bit better about it,

but we re-up. Are we still good? Does this still make sense for us, me and my wife? And does this still make sense for them? And if it is, we let them know, here's where our will is. Here's where our financial situation will be and y'all's financial situation will be. And quite honestly,

I don't have a ton of crazy restrictions on it. Because if they take my kid and my two kids, they may have to get another house. They get my two kids, they may have to alter how they live. And if I don't trust them enough with my money, then why in the world would I trust them with my kids? I guess that was like another part of my question is, so yeah, originally I had thought like my sister, because we're fairly close, but also we have different personal views on money specifically. So we, like me and my husband, we have life insurance in place and yeah, my husband brought up like, wow, if we both die, they're going to get like, you know, all this money in life insurance.

Like, are they going to be responsible with that? You can put it in a trust. I mean, I know that they will like love my children, but. You can put that money in a trust that would be dispersed to your kids at varying ages, 16, 18, 25, 30, whatever. And also there's a trust that would disperse money to whoever takes your kids. That's just you sitting down with a tax pro. Kelly's talking to me. Hey, sorry.

So we've done this recently. You can also, we have someone that takes our children, you know, should something happen. And we did the same thing you did, John. It's not our families because our families aren't local. So it's a local friend, but also somebody else has financial oversight. Somebody who I trust implicitly who has the financial oversight. So any expenditures and anything from the trust would go through someone else so that the person living with them is not necessarily in it for the money. So I know this.

I know that I trust the people who I'm going to leave my kids to implicitly. I also know because of where I work and the work that I do, if you have, I don't know what your life insurance policy is. Let's say it's $2 million. I also know somebody holding a check for $2 million changes them instantly, right? So maybe having some sort of oversight from a third party who would oversee like, well, I can't give you a million dollars. You don't need a million dollar house now suddenly. Or we need to make sure this goes to college education and this goes to the wedding and this goes to a car.

So however y'all divide it up is great. However y'all break it up and maneuver, that's all well and good. But it's just you and your husband being on the same page and letting them know like, hey, sister, I would love for you to keep my kids. We'd love for you to be the guardian of our kids. Are you still in?

I know that you've got two kids. Great. Hey, grandparents, we would love to put you down as the guardians. And hey, best friends, hey, whoever. And give them permission to say yay or nay. And if they say nay, okay, great. They've got their reasons. It's not personal. Great. So grateful that they gave you boundaries. They didn't just say yes out of obligation. They're going to have to raise a couple of kids. They don't like so good for them They said no awesome. We're moving on or they said yes fantastic

Then we're gonna have a conversation about here's where the will is Here is how we would disperse any life insurance money what that would look like and like kelly We have a third party like uh, like me and my family. Here's a big chunk to y'all. We also have this money in a trust However, that works for you. And the trust has a custodian too who makes sure that happens. However y'all do it, great. Just let everybody be on the same page. As though you and your husband ran for a quick date tonight to get coffee

and y'all were hit by a car. And I wish that it wasn't that cut and dry. I've just had to tell too many kids that their parents have died, or I've had to tell too many parents that their kids have died over the course of my career. And it just happens. It just happens. Any tips on, um, it sounds like a very uncomfortable conversation just to bring up like, Hey, out of the blue, what are you doing and I'll ask you to be the guardian

of our children just that bluntly or any tips on how to bring it up or I would say hey I need to have a hard personal conversation with you nothing bad's going on but this is sister to sister or friend to friend I think if I'm not

mistaken I think if I'm not mistaken, I think I texted our friends here. And I remember thinking it was the funniest thing because it's like one of the most important decisions of my entire life. And I texted it to them. But we were going to get together and we couldn't or whatever.

And they're like, what do you want to talk about? And I think I had made it kind of weird, which my wife says I do all the time on the front end. I think they were asking if we were going to like do, if I, they were interested in like a wife swap or something. I made it such a huge deal. Like, all right, this is going to be a huge deal. I know it's gonna be kind of weird and y'all don't freak out. And so I think I overdid it on the front end. And, but then we couldn't get together for some, something happened and I ended up texting them. And I remember sitting there going, you should be ashamed of yourself. You just texted that. But here's the thing that it gave them. And it gave them permission to not

make a weird face in front of me. It gave them permission to be like, no, and then come around to like, no, this is actually pretty awesome. It gave them permission to do that. So maybe if you, if you need to say, Hey, I'm going to send you a letter, the letter is going to be weird. Just let me know. And I'll call you in a week after you get this letter. If that's more comfortable for you, cool. There's something about letting people digest it. I don't need an answer right now.

Maybe an answer in 10 days, in two weeks. But we need to get this ironed out. We haven't done this yet. And it's really important. And go from there. And be prepared. They may not ask you to keep their kids on the back end. That's fine.

They've got their reasons. It's all good. How's that sound? That sounds good. I mean, it's just, yeah. None of this is fun. If you enjoy this process, you should probably go see somebody.

Right? If you enjoy making plans for how your kids are going to navigate the world when you're dead, if that's fun for you, you listen to a lot of murder podcasts, okay? Here's the last thing I'll throw out there. The temptation is to try to mitigate every variable. Here's the hard, hard truth. If two parents were to die, if me and my wife were to die suddenly and left my seven-year-old little girl and my 13-year-old little boy in the world to make their way, even with the most extraordinary guardian, they've been thrown into the dark sea for a while. And so to think on this side of that level of trauma that I can mitigate every variable and

every if then is nonsense. It's a waste of energy. It's me exerting false fake control over a situation that I won't have any control over because i'll be dead And so there is an element of trust to this process There's an element of i'm going to insure myself to the hilt so that there is no financial concerns when they're in the middle of the ocean Trying to tread water. I'm going to make sure they've got men and women around them that love them and see the world in their best interest. So when they're in their deep dark sea, and I'm going to make sure that I've got, that they know on a daily basis, starting right now, just how loved and strong and capable they are. And really, at the end of the day, I'm going to keep my hands open after that.

I struggle with that. I'm a type A list maker, checklist kind of person. There is no list to be made if mom and dad both go. That's not true. There is a list. It's a much shorter one than you think it is, right? It's a much shorter one than you think it is, right? It's a much shorter one than you think it is. But good for you, like good for you for recognizing it.

You've got to, got to, got to get a will. And I'll say this, when I moved to Nashville, I had a really extensive will made up in Texas. I just happened to be colleagues with one of the greatest wills and trust attorneys on the planet. And so he gave,

I mean, it was amazing. And it didn't transfer to a new state. So I got with Mama Bear Wills. It's an online company. Do we have a discount with them, guys? Yes, we do.

If you go on ramsaysolutions.com, use code DAVESDEALS at checkout, you get 20% off. Okay, that's what I did. That's what I did for my family to bridge the gap between sitting down and getting a full financial plan

and not having anything, not having nothing, right? So make sure, make sure, make sure. Even if you go to Mama Bear tonight and just say, okay, we got to get something down in case I die on the way to work tomorrow, which across this country will happen. I don't want to be Debbie Downer,

but it will happen. Hope to none of the listeners on this show. God, I hope none of the listeners on the show, but you have to just go to Mama Bear Wills and put that out there. Great. And if you want to get a more extensive trust and a bigger plan, all that kind of stuff, great. Do that. Set up those appointments. Get that stuff knocked out. But you've got to get that stuff done, done, done.

Protect your kids. Protect your assets. Protect your family. Protect your community for the day. Not if, but when you're gone. Thank you so, so much for this important call, Ava. We'll be right back. Hey, what's up? Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious or burned out or chronically stressed at some point. In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life,

you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life. Get your copy today at johndeloney.com. All right, as we head into the final stretch of the show, of course, we had to go with the song of the day

from the great Alanis Morissette. Song's called Ironic, and it goes like this. An old man turned 98, and he won the lottery, and he died the next day. It's a black fly in your Chardonnay. It's a death row pardon two minutes too late. Isn't it ironic? Don't you think? It's like rain on your wedding day.

It's a free ride when you've already paid. It's the good advice that you just didn't take. And who would have thought? It figures. It's starting a podcast. And then Kelly becomes your producer. A podcast about mental

health and joy and finding peace. And a murder podcast aficionado. Isn't it ironic? Don't you think? Love you guys. Stay in school. Bye.