The Dr. John Delony Show - I Love My Husband, but I Keep Cheating on Him

Episode Date: July 21, 2025

On today’s episode, we hear about: A wife wanting to save her marriage after multiple affairs A woman wondering if she should break up with her boyfriend because of his financial choices A man struggling to manage his girlfriend’s expectations   Next Steps: 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test 📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future  ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards  💭 John’s Free Guided Meditation  🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch   Connect With Our Sponsors: Need to talk to someone? BetterHelp is virtual therapy when it’s convenient for you. Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. These are BEST sheets and towels in the world. Get up to 40% off with code DELONY at Cozy Earth.   Getting lots of spam calls? DeleteMe can clean up your online presence for you. Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe.  Find peace every day. Hallow is the simplest way to slow down and get your head right for the day. Go to Hallow for a 90-day free trial.  I have Helix Midnight mattresses in EVERY bedroom in my house. Get 20% off when you visit Helix Sleep and take the sleep quiz to see what you need!  Get the exact same green and red powders that I take every day. Get 20% off with code DELONY at Organifi.   I took Thorne supplements way before I worked at Ramsey. Stoked that we can work together now! Get 25% for LIFE at Thorne.    Need a training plan? Accountability? Coaching? Trainwell has you covered. Go to Trainwell to get started! Head over to Poncho Outdoors to try the best outdoor performance shirt for yourself!   Explore More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights  🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💡 The Rachel Cruze Show 💰 George Kamel 🪑 Front Row Seat with Ken Coleman 📈 EntreLeadership   Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Big news! New dates for money and marriage getaway just dropped for Valentine's Day weekend 2026. Get tickets at ramsysolutions.com slash events to get away with your spouse in Nashville, Tennessee. I'm in the Army Reserves and I've been in for almost 14 years. In the spring of 2023, I started having an affair with somebody that I met. I felt terrible with what I was doing, so I sent my husband down and I told him everything. Why do you want to stay married to him? What's up? What's going on everybody? This is John with the Dr. John Delaney show, taking

your calls from all over planet earth. About your mental and emotional health, your marriages, your kids, whatever you got going on in your life. Is your marriage on the brink? Are you thinking about asking that person to spend the rest of your life with you? Are your kids struggling? Are kids struggling? Are you struggling? Whatever you got going on, my promise is I'll sit with you and we'll figure out what's the next right move. Let's roll out to Dayton, Ohio and talk to Sarah.

What's up Sarah? Hi, Dr. Delaney. How are you? I'm good. What's up in your world? Oh, I'm pretty nervous right now. It's crazy that I'm talking to you. No, don't be nervous.

You're good. I'm glad that you called. What's up? Hello, I'm pretty nervous right now. It's crazy that I'm talking to you. No, don't be nervous. You're good. I'm glad that you called. What's up? I'll try to be quick to the point.

I'm in the Army Reserves and I've been in for almost 14 years. In the spring of 2023, I left for TDY and I started having an affair with somebody that I met during training. The affair went past training. It was a long distance affair. Like the physical part was pretty much over, but the emotional part stayed. And about six months, five to six months into it, I felt terrible with what I was doing. So I, you know, I sent my husband down

and I told him everything. And things have just kind of been on the rocks ever since, as you can imagine. I immediately started therapy. I'm still in therapy. And through therapy, I realized that, you know, I haven't, I've never been faithful in a single relationship I've ever been in.

Most of my relationships I've ever been in, never been faithful to me either. And I now attend sex addition anonymous meetings on Saturday mornings. Um, and, um, I just need to know if like, you know, after a year and a half of being on a rocks with my husband and my husband is like back and forth, I'm like, if he wants to stay, if he wants to try to work it out, he's back and forth on it. And about two, three weeks ago, he finally came out and said that he wanted a divorce,

which was the opposite in which I thought things were going. I thought things were getting better. And since then, things seem to be calm between us. He's still in the house. He says he's not actively, he's not actively looking for a place to go. He hasn't talked to a lawyer. Um, I just, have I messed up too much? Like I don't, I don't, it's, it's my, it's my marriage.

Can I save this? Can I save this? Can I fix this? Um, I realized too, that, um, going to therapy that like, I grew up closer to my mom's side of the family and everybody on that side of the family, including my grandparents, all of my aunts and uncles, and even my own mother has had multiple children by multiple partners, multiple affairs, like, and I just don't want to be this way anymore. Um, we have a soon-to-be three-year-old. Um, I just, I don't know what to do. I think you were telling me that. How often have you said all of that out in a row in a line like that?

Um, to your producer. Not very often. Yeah. Um, how long have you been married? Seven years. It'll be seven years this year. Okay. And tell me about who you married. Excuse me? Tell me about who you married.

He's wonderful. In fact, right now I'm really struggling with figuring out like why I did what I did. And honestly, it's not the first time and he knows about the other times as well. It seems like every time I've acted out, every time I've done this, like I've been perfectly happy. He's great. He's a very kind-hearted man. How many times have you cheated on him? A total of three times. The two other times just before we got married. Yeah, I.

So why do you want to stay married to him? Because I am inspired by him. I want to be like him. He's such a good person. And he comes from such a good family. And, you know, I've told him this before, like my happiest memories that I have have been with him. And yeah, I don't want to leave that. I truly feel like he is good for me. You know, I just know that I haven't been very good to him. Yeah.

Um, that's a hard pill to swallow, right? Yeah. Yeah. I can feel your, uh, I can feel your shoulders up around your ears. Drop them for me. Yeah. Um, so it usually catches people off guard when they find out that many, many, many affairs happen inside of what would be classified as good or fine marriages. And

the way you talked about him was really instructive is kind of where my head was going. And I feel like you confirmed it, but I don't want to say confirm because that sounds like it's in concrete. And I always want to leave some space to be wrong, but you haven't liked you for a long, long time. And what I mean by that is there's that sense of, I want to feel in my body, in my chest, what my head knows to be

true. And when you have that gap, you seek thrills, you seek out of body experiences, you seek the words I use on the show all the time, you seek some sense of feeling alive. Training weekends with the reserves will do that for you. A year deployment will do that with you. Laughing and flirting and being one of the cool girls with the foul mouth who can hang with the guys when you're out in the woods for six weeks, and nobody's showering and you're kind of the cool girl. All that happens, right?

And, but it's a sense of, I wanna belong here. And then you get back home, I wanna belong here. And you get around your family, I wanna belong here. And that lack of rootedness is you trying to find a place where somebody will look at you and say, I'm glad you're here. I love you, you're worth being here. But you're trying to get it out externally

and not internally. Here's the challenge. When I asked you why you wanna stay married to him, you talked about him as though he is a really important medication for you. I like being with him. He makes me better. He has a good family.

Nowhere did I hear you say, I love him. I mean, I do. I know, I know, I know. But the question I want you to ask yourself is, do you love the benefits he gives you? Or are you all in? Because when he's not with you and he can't give you those benefits, you don't have that feeling of security, you go searching for it somewhere else because you're unanchored. Okay, that makes sense.

You probably get that at home. You've probably been unanchored for a while because it sounds like you were raised by unanchored people And in chaos fair, yeah Here's the sucky thing about therapy and all that Going and figuring it out like why it all happened awesome the fact that you go into SA meetings awesome I'm proud of you for doing that work Here's the thing though you can't cheat And there doesn't always have to be a why

There doesn't have to be a reason there has to be like the idea that you're going to be with somebody and never attracted somebody, never wondering what it would be like to be with somebody else. That's nuts. That's everybody. And regardless of how you were raised, what happened when you were a kid, regardless of what, like you can make a choice. I'm not going to do that. Yeah.

And so I mean, it's, it's good to go to therapy. It's good to figure out what's going on. It's like, how do I connect my heart and my head? All this stuff is awesome and good. I'm so glad you're doing that work. But somewhere in the last year and a half, it sounds like this guy is wild, crazy about you. But I'm wondering if he just exhaled and said, but I can't anchor in three times in seven years,

three times in eight years is too much. Yeah. So you asked me, can you save your marriage? A hundred percent, y'all can, you can't. And have you sat down and said, hey, you said this really heavy thing a few weeks ago I need to know where you are Not yet. I'd like to I'm just I'm really scared to right now. I know and you're making yourself crazy

Yeah, I would want to know was he testing that out to see what that felt like to say out loud. I Don't know or is he assuming you're gonna quote-unquote do the right thing and you're gonna go move out because you're the one testing that out to see what that felt like to say aloud? Or is he assuming you're going to quote unquote do the right thing and you're going to go move out because you're the one that blew everything up? Like I would want to know where are you at this or he said it and he realized, no, I don't want that, but I don't know what to do next. And I don't want to be a cuckold on my own house. But also I love her, but also she's the mother of my child.

And also she's done this three times. So of course she's the mother of my child. And also she's done this three times. So of course she's gonna do it again. Like all those things, you see what I'm saying? Like it's just a loop. And the only way that loop stops is if somebody stops it. Or let me say it more directly. You not bringing this up only confirms it. It doesn't protect you from anything. You not bringing this up only confirms it.

It doesn't protect you from anything. It just prohibits you from the possibility of the good stuff. Yeah, yeah. I mean, I've been moving on eggshells for the last two or three weeks. Have you looked at them in the eye and said, I will never cheat on you again? Yes. And have you said nothing in my past would suggest you should trust me on that?

No, I haven't said that. Because you've probably said, I won't cheat on you ever again, the first time you did and then the second time you did and then he married you and then it happened again and it was this half a year, it was a long time. I've said before, like, before when I said this, I had this feeling of like, you know, I hope I don't cheat on you again. No, yeah.

I hope it doesn't happen again. But now having gone through a year and a half of therapy and a year and a half of SAA, I actually feel confident. I'm actually leaving the army. I don't think the army is a healthy place for me to be in. Awesome. Okay, so that was going to be one of my next steps.

What have you put on the table that says, I'm willing to go to the ends of the earth to reestablish trust here and look at him and say, what do you need? You want me to get out of the army? Done. Here's my, we share bank accounts? Done. You want my phone passwords and all my email passwords? I'm canceling social media?

Done. Like, and it has to be, he's got, he gets to do. You want my phone passwords and all my email passwords? I'm canceling social media done Like yeah, and it has to be he's got he gets to detail the map what would it take? Yeah, yeah But there's something about you looking at him and saying you're my guy And yes, you make me a better person, but forget all that crap. I want you. And I've blown everything up. So you taking another risk on me is literally insane because it's you doing the same thing over and over again, hoping for a different outcome.

And I'm asking you to be insane one more time. Yeah. I mean, that's really, cause anything he, if he chooses to stay with you, that doesn't make any sense. Cause if he called, if he were to call me, I would say, Hey bro, listen, forget about what she says. Behavior is a language. What's different?

How is she acting? And maybe he'd be able to say for the first time in her life, she's in therapy. She's actually dealing with this, this maniacal past she grew up in. She's getting out of these environments. She is committed here at the house. She is asking me on a day-to-day basis,

how can I love you? We do a budget meeting together, just so we align where we wanna go together. The past year and a half, I've wanted, there's lots of things I've wanted to do like that, but because he's been one foot in and one foot out, I feel like he's not committed and therefore I feel like I can't ask him those questions. Flip it around, dude.

He's hanging on for dear life. Of course he's not committed. You shot a hole in the boat. You get what I'm saying? You shot a hole in the boat. You get him, just think of it, y'all are on a raft going down Whitewater Rapids of life and you shot three holes in the boat. Of course he has to have a foot out making, and a foot in another boat making sure he doesn't drown.

And so what you have to do is present him with a new boat and say, I'm both of my feet are in and I don't have a gun anymore. And I this sounds elementary or prohibitive if you will because the world tells you and the world tells me right now our entire culture is you do what you feel like and if you feel like sleeping with somebody else then your marriage is broken. That's nonsense. Yeah, the world says it's not true. If you feel dead inside or you're having a season, you're in a low season when it's cold outside, you don't want to do anything,

you're away from home for six months, just have your fun because life's short. That's nonsense. It's insanity. And so you have to be able to demonstrate to him when I'm starting to feel that feeling inside, like I need a spark, I need something to get lit up that you and I have a path that we do this together. And you just have to hold space. He might look at you and say I told you I'm out and if that's the case then y'all need to quickly move towards as adults a

Resolution here him dropping that grenade in the house and then just moving like the pins not pulled isn't That's not noble either, right? Or let me let me first of this way he doesn't get to do that He doesn't get to respond to a Somebody blowing up his life Immaturely if he's gonna get divorced cool, then let's deal papers. Let's figure out housing arrangements Let's figure out co-parenting stuff and let's move on with our lives But dangling that over the house is not is not good dangling that over the house is not is not good.

But yes, he has had one foot out of the boat and I would be with him on that one. That's been a tough go. And maybe even just using the analogy I just gave you. Hey, I shot a hole in our boat that was our life. So tonight sit down and walk back tell them I blew the boat up and I've got a brand new boat here. I've done a year and a half worth of work. I've got a pin and a blank yellow pad. Got my codes here. Delete whatever you want me to delete. I'm getting out of the arm. I'm getting out

of these spaces. What must be true? Will you give me a path back to earning your trust back and I'll make that commitment minute by minute hour by hour week by week Or you said you want to divorce if you want to divorce then I want us to go down that path then because living in this Ambiguity is going to electrify our daughter. It's going to electrify both of us and nobody wins here. So I say this, I honor you for calling and just putting it all out there and for being self-reflective and owning where you've blown things up and being able to look back in your rear view mirror and see how you come from a long line of people who have done this. And it may be that your redemption story

is not inside this relationship. And if this relationship ends, that doesn't mean that the next person you marry, the next person you're with, that you are still a person who never cheats, period. And for you, that means I'm never gonna put myself even in a situation, which means I don't have any way for people to get in touch with me.

Where I might, I don't have overnight, six month camping trips, even when it's on deployment because I have proven to myself that I get low and I do things that I regret. It's a matter of putting yourself environments where you can be successful. Thanks for the call, my friend. Call me any time. Next, we talk to a woman who wonders if she should give her boyfriend an ultimatum.

It's Deloney for Hallow, the number one prayer app in the world. As the great philosopher, Ferris Bueller once said, life moves pretty fast. And it's true, we're all juggling work, family, and a hundred million billion other things. And in all of this chaos, we forget to pause and reflect. Creating peace in life doesn't just happen. We can't just wait for it to come to us. We have to choose it even if it's just a tiny sliver.

We have to make space for peace. And that's where Hallow comes in. Hallow comes in. Hallow provides you amazing opportunities to slow down and reconnect with your spiritual life and the things that matter most. One of the best features on Hallow is the daily reflections with Jeff Cavins because he helps you connect scripture to real life joys and real life challenges. Or if you're struggling with anxiety or feeling overwhelmed, HALO offers mental health meditations

and prayers that I have found useful. From healing emotional wounds to establishing healthy habits, these guided prayers give you words of comfort and longing when you're all out of things to say. If you're ready to find some peace in the chaos and some purpose in your day, check out HALO. Right now when you sign up at HALOcom slash deloney you get three months for free That's hallow.com slash deloney for three months for free go check them out So I grew up playing sports and I grew up in weight rooms and a few years ago

I realized that I took for granted how scary and insecure feeling and even lost people can feel when they walk into a gym or a weight room or some sort of class for the very first time. And now that I'm getting older, even I'm finding myself looking around and feeling a little bit insecure inside of a traditional gym. I'm trying to figure out what to do.

We all need to lift weights. We all need to exercise and move. Men, women, young and old, everyone needs to lift heavy things and knowing what to do, when to do it, and even how to do it can be super intimidating. So whether you've been lifting and working out for decades or you're ready to get started for the very first time, I want you to check out my friends at Trainwell. I've used their workouts, Kelly, the producer of the show uses their workouts, my wife and her friends,

my sister, my manager and his wife, all of them are TrainWell devotees. It's a movement. TrainWell offers tailored workouts with step-by-step guidance from real people, meaning it's not just an app and it's not just a personal trainer. It's the best of both worlds.

To start, you take a short quiz and then get matched with the real live coach, someone who actually listens to you, and together, you all build a plan that works for your body, your season of life, and your goals. They have videos that give you step-by-step guidance and your trainer will check in with you after your workouts. Now is the time to take control of your body once and for all. Check out my friends at Trainwell and right now Trainwell has a special offer just for my audience. $89 a month when you lock in your plan plus 14 days of free training.

Go to trainwell.net slash deloney right now. That's trainwell.net slash deloney. Alright, Atlanta, Georgia. Let's talk to Grace. What's up, Grace? Hi, Dr. John. Thanks for taking to Grace. What's up, Grace? Hi, Dr. John. Thanks for taking my call. What do you say, lady? Hi, so I am wondering if I should end my relationship or give my boyfriend an ultimatum over his deep involvement

in a multi-level marketing business. Oh, is he selling essential oils? No, I wish it was that simple, honestly. Candles? Even, it would be even better, but. Does he hand make earrings? No, nothing like that. It is, I would say at least it's more about business coaching, but then there's products involved in that as well. So it's business coaching is a part of it, but then they're obligated to buy a substantial amount of products.

And I'm not sure if you've ever heard of Amway. But. Oh, geez. Yes, I've heard of Amway. I didn't even know Amway was still a thing. I know, cause my uncle, my mom had told me my uncle actually was involved in that years ago, maybe for a few months. But hold on Grace, haven't you seen the charts?

Y'all can make $7 million a year if you just get another 1100 people to commit to $1500 a month and geez Louise. All right. So how bad is it? Well, he's known these people for like seven years. So they're his friends, he considers them his mentors, and we met three years ago, but we officially started dating at the beginning of this year. So I get that I've only been in his life for three, four months. Here's all

here's all that matters. Here's all that matters. After seven years, I have a business coach by the way. I also have that matters. After seven years, I have a business coach, by the way. I also have a therapist. I believe in both of those things. After seven years, does he make any money? He does not. Okay. Then his business coaching that he has received has been an abject, complete and total failure. What's his monthly buy-in? Does he have to keep paying them? He's supposed to pay $200. He has to pay $200 for the coaching aspect of it. And then he's also supposed to be paying $500 a month for products. And he says the products he

would buy anyways. I think what really bothers me is the fact that he has some debt. He's paid down a substantial amount of debt. He's actually in, you know, Ramsey's program. He's gone through financial peace and he's paying down that debt, but he considers this as an investment and the products he would buy anyways. And I know he's not, he told me he's paying cash for the product.

So not on credit right now. What does he do for a job though? Right now he works, he's in the auto industry. A manager, his job, I guess I would say that was another thing at first is like some volatility, he went from sales to now more of a stable position. But I obviously haven't known him, you know, to see over time like his work. I'm just a work ethic and I'm not trying to be critical and I care so much for him. Listen, Grace, you're dating him. Be critical.

It's fine. Okay, you love him. My wife is critical of things that she needs to be critical about. I'm critical of things I need to be critical about. Criticism isn't bad if it's couched in level of we're on the same team and we're both working towards something. That's not a bad thing. It's accountability. Yeah.

Criticism is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse, the relationship apocalypse. If you are criticizing because you think you're better than him, then yeah, you got a relationship issue. That is not what I sound like. It's not what it sounds like here. It sounds like you love somebody and they're fun and they're cool and they're charming. And you see, if I anchor myself to this person Like I've got ten years of evidence of what what comes next for you

That's what I'm worried about because he did say it's his fault that he hasn't made it Which I think that's pretty common in these kinds of situations, you know, he hasn't gone all in but now, you know, he's been focused He's doing what he's supposed to be doing. He's listening to all the hype that they give him. He's attending the conferences. Is he making any money? Not at all. In fact, he is spending money. This is like a realtor who goes to,

okay, one of my good friends, Brian Buffini, the biggest, he coaches real estate agents, okay? And his stuff is so proven, he's amazing at what he does. But this is like somebody paying him. And then as a part of being in his program, they go and buy houses so that they can get sales. That's not selling. Like he's a part of a, of a multi-level marketing thing.

Your boyfriend is where he's supposed to get products at a discount and then resell them because they hype him up and teach him how to sell and crush it and kill your goals and get your dreams and get that Ferrari. But he's buying the stuff for himself. Right. And then he's passing the stuff for himself. Right. And then he's passing it off saying, I would buy this anyway. Yeah, and now he has a couple people signed up beneath him.

And my other worry is that even if he did make it, I'm like, when do you start, you go from being preyed upon because I feel like he's been through a lot. His past, he's got a lot of different, where he's at today, he's a fighter and he's really worked through a lot of things, but I think he was taken advantage of at a vulnerable spot. And that's how I look at it.

He would look at it as these people are his friends, his mentors, he's way better off since he met them. And we've had multiple conversations where one point he said, if he would do it one more year, just give him one more year, see what he can do. And if he's not making any money off of it, then he'll leave. And then he almost took that back and said, well, actually, I'm still getting so much value. These are my friends and mentors. Even if I don't make money, it's still worth it. And then the next time we talked, he said, well, he'll leave completely because he cares about me. He doesn't want to lose me. And I told him in that conversation,

I can't necessarily, I feel if we set a precedent for you give up this and then I go all in with you. Um, I don't think that's a healthy precedent because I think that he knows that's what's holding me back from being like, yeah, I could go all in and I could marry you and I could see a future with you. It's kind of holding me back from being like, yeah, I could go all in and I could marry you and I could see a future with you. It's kind of holding me back a little bit. You're very wise because yes, he'll resent you for it and he'll be back in within six months of you being married. You know that, he knows that.

So let's do this, I wanna not judge him. He's making his choices, he's spending his money doing his thing as he wants to, I'm not gonna judge him. Okay, he's not here to defend himself and it doesn't do any good. I like to say I have a business coach. I'm friends with Brian. Brian's amazing.

Dave Ramsey is a friend. He's amazing. Like the Entree Leadership Program is astounding. It's worth it. It's amazing. I signed my friends up. Like it's amazing stuff. So I'm all for business coaching. I guess the question I have for you is, you seem to have identified that I'm in love with

somebody or I care for somebody, whatever words you want to use, that I don't think he makes wise choices. I think he is someone who's able to be manipulated. I worry about his work ethic. I worry about how he spends his time and his money. So take away the, this happened 10 years ago and he's being prayed. Take all that away. Ask yourself the hard question, do I want to anchor myself to this person to co-create a world together

moving forward? That's the question. My wife tells people that she bought low, like when it came to stocks. I didn't bathe very often. I was a wild dreamer and I was always in the grad school. And she said, I knew this, but I always showed up and I was always in the grad school and she said I knew this but I always showed up and I worked really hard she said I knew that we were we were always gonna be moving forward somewhere in our wildest dreams not this

nonsense podcasting didn't even exist when we got right not this but I had a career at a great career before this and so it going all in on somebody who hasn't quote-unquote made, that's part of life. That's part of it, right? You see potential and to build a life together. That's the question that you have before you. Is this person someone you that you can trust to lean on and that you will receive the leaning that they're going to do on you as you'll build something together?

That's a tough question. I think. Hold on. It's not though. It's not. I think you know the answer to that. What's tough is the ramifications of you answering that question honestly. Yeah, I guess I think I've spent so much time dating and I'm in my thirties and I guess

it's the first time I've really in years cared about somebody deeply and had like the attraction had almost and where I feel like it is a partner like the way he does care and the way he shows up for me and all the other ways are so great. It's kind of hard to think about just letting that go over something like this. But then there's also the piece of I grew up in poverty. I grew up with some food insecurity. I grew up with my parents fighting about money a lot. And that was a huge issue.

So I told myself like, this will never happen to me. And I put myself through college debt-free. I got a job, I saved my money, I bought a house. I've done, I put money, I have a good retirement savings, I have a good savings account, all for the security that it brings me. And I think I'm just terrified to let somebody into that, not knowing that I can trust them. But would you be scared if he was an electrician and he worked 10 hour days and he got up and made you coffee in the morning, went to work, worked really hard, came home exhausted, made a six figure

paycheck, made it, made it 65,000, I don't care the money, 65,000, but he was consistent and he made it and he had dreams of one day having his own shop. Would you have those same concerns? I don't think so. Probably not. And that's what's tough because I have dated guys who made six figures and- Yeah, I shouldn't have said that. Who cares about that part of it?

Here's what I think. I think that your body knows this story, both the good of this story and the bad of this. This story is familiar to your nervous system. You hear that, you hear that like the old therapist line, you marry your unfinished business. Somewhere your body wants to solve this. It feels comfortable, it feels right. It's what you know and you've worked really hard to have this thing never happen again. So fast forward. Just, just you've been together three years, you know, six months from now, you'll go to

the courthouse, you'll come up to Nashville, Tennessee. I marry you in the yard out here. Okay. Would you leave that marriage ceremony and go down there and get a joint checking account that y'all both put your money in, you both pull money out? I would be nervous to do that. Nervous is fine, would you do that? Knowing what you know about how he spends money and how he values things and how he works and how he has set about trying to co-create a life with you. I've actually told him before, yeah, you want to rush to get married by the end of the year,

I will marry you, but I wouldn't combine finances. Okay, then that's silly. That's like saying I'm going to marry you, but I'm not going all in, which just guarantees that your marriage isn't going to work out. Because he's going to know he's married to someone who has one foot out. So to save himself, he's got to keep a foot out and then y'all just kind of row in circles until the boat sinks. But maybe, and I'm not saying give up on him, what I want you to own is what you want. And I think you're apologizing

for what you want. And that is somebody who you can depend on, someone who is safe and you've never experienced that ever No, I feel like I had to be that for myself, that's right, that's right so you're gonna have to practice leaning on somebody and you're gonna have to find somebody that you can lean on and So it's not a bad thing for you to say I love you Three years. I can see us having a family.

I can see us getting old and fat together out in the lawn chairs in the front yard listening to your Nickelback CDs. He sounds like a guy listens to Nickelback still. And sit on the front porch watching our grandkids run around playing with their AI robots or whatever. I can see all that and I can in good conscience connect myself to somebody who is repeatedly taken advantage of, who repeatedly puts money into a thing

while we're losing money, who doesn't have a steady job, who doesn't have any sort of plan for the future other than crush it and kill it, oh yeah. Like I need something more secure. And if you want in awesome. So I guess your ultimate question is, should I give him an ultimatum? It sounds like you have an ultimatum. You're just scared that he's gonna look at you and say, no, I choose them. And what I would tell you in a dating relationship, I hope you get that out before you get married

Yeah, um Yeah, and I think my other fear is even if he were to choose me over that in this present time What next thing will happen It could be amazing It could I chose my wife over a bunch of stuff. And I didn't know until seven or eight years into being married that she felt guilty that I chose her over some of those things. And I thank God every day that I did. It's not a bad thing. And there were seasons when I was upset about it.

There really were. Mm-hmm. And I thank God every day that I made those choices. So choosing you over something isn't a bad thing. It's not a negative thing. You will choose him, you'll choose sharing, you'll choose being vulnerable again over this perceived safety that you've built for yourself. Both of y'all will choose things over each other.

I mean, you'll all choose, right? That's part of it. But y'all can choose something amazing. I want you to write down, here's your homework assignment, write down if these five, 10, 15, two, three, whatever, if these things were different, I would marry this guy today.

I think he has a right to know those things. Here's what I'm scared about. And here's what we've talked about for the last three years and I've repeatedly heard you make excuses, go around the edges here, all these things, fine. You can do whatever you want, you can spend your money however you want, but as for me and my house, the world I want to co-create with somebody, it's gonna have to be safe. It's gonna have to be the world I want to co-create with somebody, it's going to have to be safe. It's going to have to be directed. I need to see a work ethic.

I want us to build towards something and not 10 years of throwing monthly expenses away for some sort of business coaching that hasn't worked. Hasn't worked. In fact, it just continues to cost more money and more money and more money. Plus the annual conference, plus the annual conference, super atomic diamond division where we can. And can we be honest for a second, everybody out there who's one year in two years in three

years into a long term relationship, it feels like a sunk cost. I've already put this much time in it. I'm in my thirties, the clock is ticking, all that stuff. I get that. I get that. I get it. But I promise those three years, 15 years from now, after a divorce, after y'all are roommates, I promise those three years will be different than you're gonna wish you had that time back.

So you're worth drawing a line, yes, Grace, you are. And he's worth you drawing a line, so he knows. And only you can draw that line. Thanks for the call, my friend. Hey, next we talk to a man whose girlfriend expects him to pay for everything. We'll be right back. All right, it's time for a quick word about Delete Me.

Does anyone else feel like our digital footprints, the things we're doing online, are starting to feel more like digital trails, leading bad guys and scammers right back to us? Right now, scammers are using phishing attacks, that's phishing with a PH, where they try to trick you into giving them something by pretending to know you. You might get an email or a text or a phone call, and the person or the AI bot on the other end sounds like someone who's looking out for you, but they're not. With all of these new technological advancements, no one is really safe anymore. And so what's any of us to do? We start controlling what we can.

We learn how to be careful online and offline, and we sign up with Delete Me. I use and recommend Delete Me because they work in the background to reduce my online presence. That way I don't have to worry about creepy data brokers having my data. They've reviewed over tens of thousands of sites for me and they've removed my data from hundreds of them which has saved me countless hours and tons of stress. Stop the phishing attacks and the harassment and the other online threats before they start and take control of your digital privacy with Delete Me. Go to joindeleteeme.com slash deloney today for 20% off their annual plan.

That comes out to less than nine bucks a month. That's joindeleteeme.com slash deloney. Naples Florida. Let's talk to Cash. What's up, Cash? Hey, Cash. Hey, John. How are you doing? I'm doing good, brother. What's up, man? Hey, so I just wanted to say, big fan of the show. I probably watch an episode every single day, so I'm happy to be here.

Appreciate that, man. Thank you. What's up? Of course. Yeah, so there's been some updates on this, but I kind of want to get to the initial question here. How can I go about balancing my finances with my girlfriend's expectation that I pay for everything? Ooh, you're talking to an old Texan, man. Define everything. Yeah, so it's not exactly everything.

I think the more specific question, it's more dates, activities, kind of like the special occasion occurrences that come up. And I think to some degree, I want to pay for those things and have the authority and being able to take care of her and treat her well. What do you mean authority? What do you mean? Not authority, that was the wrong word. Just being able to treat her well, I think.

I think it's a harder time in my life. I'm getting my finances back on track and working very hard. And I feel like, you know, when we do go out or we have these special things planned, I feel like at some point right now in my life, it feels like every time I do that, it puts me a step back a bit, if that makes sense. Yeah, I mean, you're talking really lofty

Naples, Florida language. Can I, like, here's the thing. How long have you all been together? Just a little over a year now. Okay. Sounds like you've been dating somebody for a year and you've had a drop in income or you lost a job or whatever. You're figuring stuff out.

You're paying off debt, whatever the thing is. And she expects you to pay for everything and you don't know how to sit down and say, hey, I don't have the kind of money that to keep doing this. Is that fair? I will say we have had a conversation. So since I posed the question, we have sat down and had a long conversation because I think the biggest thing was her reaction to it. What?

Tell me what you mean when you said what? So like every time they come up like, baby, like babe, I'm, you know, this month's been hard for me. I'm getting my career started right now. And I want to be more mindful where the money's going. I'm happy to go do these things with you and experience this stuff. She would just totally shut down from there

and not even have the discussion really. Then she does not, she's not worth you dating. If she's that immature. Or let me put it this way. She doesn't care about you. She cares about, cares about the appearance of, she cares about somebody taking, you get what I'm saying? Yeah, I understand.

I do want to know. I do want to know. We did. So that's what was going on, right? Okay. I do want to know. I do want to know. We did. So that's what was going on, right? But we did get to the point where we had a very heart to heart in-depth conversation. She's able, we had a blow up that day and she was able to come back and have us talk to. And I think we got to the bottom line of where we think it's coming from.

What is it? So what I saw or felt coming from is her dad was never emotionally there for her. And so the way she's received love from her dad was by being taken care of financially with going out to dinners or activities. And that's kind of what we got to the point. And I think the bigger thing for me is like, should I? Because every time it come up, I felt like I was doing her in service or like just not

treating her well. And I like, I want to know, am I in the right or in the wrong? And like, I don't know, I like, I want to know if I'm in the right here with the conversation I have, like, I want to make sure. I think I think I was thinking this way way way too much way too much Okay, okay over sophisticated over analyzing it over like therapeutic it like any word you want to make up just to jump drop in here I'm an old Texas soul. Okay. My wife says I was born in the wrong century. I Always think it's right for the guy to pay for food, to pay for outings, to pay for the movie. I also used to fight because I married a really strong, brilliant, tough woman who had her own

career. Like I can pay for my stuff. And then there'd be nice night like I'm taking you on a date. That was usually my signal. I'm paying for all of this stuff, right? And when she did pay, I did, I felt less than, I did. Just is what it is, okay? So all that stuff is true. And the biggest red flag I have in this whole thing, I got two of them. One is that when you said, it doesn't sound like you were very clear,

it sounded like it was more ambiguous, but she would plan an event. We're going to the beach, then we're gonna go to this dinner with our friends, we're gonna do this, and she just expects you to pay for it. And then you would come back and say, hey, I'm trying to get my career off the ground,

I'm kind of slow. Instead of being able to say, hey, I can't afford all of this, I would love to do all this stuff, I'm just, here's the reality of my finances. And that she threw a fit and left. I'm glad that she came back. That's awesome. So I retract. Maybe she's completely on board. Maybe she overreacted and was like, Oh, wait a minute. This is how I thought love worked and it doesn't. Awesome. I think y'all need to go brass tacks on this deal. Like I'm getting my, my business off the ground. I'm starting a new career. I'm not

borrowing any money here. I would love to hang out with you. And that might mean that for six months we go to the park. We walk on the beach for free. We go fishing and we don't catch anything. We go read books, go to the library, we go get a cup of coffee because that's what I can afford right now. And she looks at you and says, I'm all in. If, and here, that's not you being in the wrong, that's you just doing math, that's reality. The fact that you're even asking, is that okay for you to do,

just shows how distorted culture has made everything. You would not be loving her if you said yes to everything and you put it all on a credit card so that you are married to her in four years and you have $30,000 for her little adventures that you didn't have the courage to say no to. Telling her the truth about your financial situation, saying, I would love to be with you

and spend time with you in this present season. It's cold outside, it's winter, so we can't go out. And if she looks at you and says that I don't want anything to do with you, or I'm going to go somewhere with somebody who can then buy Felicia. I mean, you get what I'm saying? I know it sounds harsh, but like, it's just you and her trafficking in reality. You don't sound like you're buying it. No, no, I definitely understand.

I definitely understand what you're saying. Why is that hard for you to digest? I don't know. I think I feel like I need to have it all, I guess, figured out. How old are you? 25. Oh my gosh, dude. Really?

I don't know. I feel like I need to be farther along than what I am right now. Where are you right now? Just financially. What do you make a year? I just got a new job and sales and you know if I hit my commissions and whatnot it'll be 80 grand. Bro, turn off all of the like Meathead podcasts.

Just turn them off. If you don't hit your quotas, what are you gonna make this year? What's your floor? 50. So you make $50,000 a year with a potential upside of 80,000, 30,000 more dollars. Are you working hard?

Yeah, day in, day out. Okay. And the economics, the world's economic situation is just a blender right now. And so it's a wild time to be a commission salesman. You still have a $50,000 floor. Are you driving around a stupid car that you can't afford? I actually moved over from Hawaii about six months ago.

And so I sold my car over there before I moved and I haven't wanted to get in debt since. So I have not been using a car lately and just wanted me to save up and buy something cash. How do you get to work? How do you make sales calls? Do you work from home? It's 100% remote so I'm able just to work from home all day. Fantastic. Awesome. Does she know that you're gonna buy a $3,000 Camry whenever you get $3,000? I've, um, we've talked about, I, I've, I've kind of held off from getting something that she be, you think I should get something just cheap. In the meantime, I want to get something a little bit more expensive

that I can pay for cash for like a milestone for myself. I don't think you need milestones right now, man. You need little wins, a whole bunch of little wins. Here's the deal, dude. You are 25 years old. You're out there slogging it. You're just grinding day in and day out. You're going to wake up and be 35.

You're going to have a pretty amazing life if you figured this out, how to sell, how to be a person of integrity, how to work really hard, how to love and take care of people and how to traffic in reality. So take it from a guy that spent my entire career with working with people your age, you're doing great, you're doing fine. If she spends most of her time on Instagram and wants some kind of flashy something rather and some guy that just is going to then she's a spoiled brat and she needs to move on through life

But if she sees a 25 year old with the kind of character and gut check and hard work and integrity and sense of humor That she says you know what kind of like I was just telling another caller my wife bought low She saw that in me at 25 You know I made it 25 you want to know that to me at 25. You know, I made it 25. You want to know? 33,500. And I was so excited when I got that raise from $30,500. I got a $3,000 raise. I remember that number because I was ecstatic. My wife was a third grade teacher and she made more money than I did. She was my girlfriend at the time. But she was all in.

And she drove a Corolla and I drove a used some I don't know some kind of shenanigan car. So just from one guy to another we have a crisis of young men in this country. Okay. You know that I know that. Are you spending your whole day just scrolling porn? No. Okay.

Do you make an X number of sales calls a day even when it's hard? Yeah. Do you work out? You go to the gym? I do. Okay. Are you a person of integrity? Yeah. Do you work out? Do you go to the gym? I do. Okay. Are you a person of integrity? Yeah.

Do you go to church? I do not go to church, but I have my own spiritual practice. There you go. You are so far ahead. Please don't let somebody you're dating drag you down because you can't fund her lifestyle It's an honor for me to get to talk to a 25 year old who's actually in the arena with gloves on taking swings Because there's millions and millions of men who just opt it out And yes, if you can pay for dinner pay pay for the movie. And no, you are not somebody's travel funder or somebody's, the chief funding officer of

somebody's party planning committee. That's not how relationships work. Y'all plan things together. Y'all do things together. I'm proud of you. You're doing good work. Thank you. Here's where I want you to start with her.

Reality. If you are falling for this girl and you're starting to work. Thank you. Here's where I want you to start with her. Reality. If you are falling for this girl and you're starting to love her, awesome. Sit down and say, hey, I see a future with you. We've been together a year. I see a future with you and I'm on the front end of something that I'm trying to build that's gonna be amazing,

that I can support a family someday, that I can build a life and I wanna build it with somebody. And that means I'm gonna be at of balance at 25, 26, 29 I'm gonna be out of balance but I'm doing that now so that the day I have a kid I can do whatever I want to so that if the market crashes I've got cash and I can just go pick up a house for nickels on the dollar. And so let's get down to reality and what you're building and put all that on the table. And bro, hopefully she doesn't walk on you.

And if she does, I'm glad it happens now then two kids in when you're 33. I'm proud of the work you're doing, man. And for every 25 year old listening to the show, this is what it looks like. 25, making 50 grand a year, which is a chunk, not feeling like you have enough, really hitting the gas, not even having a car, because I'm trying so hard to get ahead, really chasing it,

and trying to find somebody to walk alongside me. I love it, I love all of it. Thanks for the call, Cash. When we come back, what do we got, Kelly? We have an Am I the Problem. Am I the Problem, We'll be right back This show is sponsored by better help listen therapy is not just for people dealing with major traumas It can be for that but therapy is also a valuable tool for anyone looking to improve their mental and emotional Well-being or their relationships

I see a therapist for both the big challenges from my past, as well as helping me navigate the day-to-day challenges of being a husband, a dad, and a citizen. Many of you should think about therapy too. And if you're thinking about trying therapy, contact my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online, so it's affordable and convenient for your schedule. As the largest online therapy provider in the world, BetterHelp can provide access to mental health professionals with a diverse variety of expertise. They also have over 10 years of experience matching people with the right therapist just for them.

To get started, you just fill out a short online survey to get matched with a licensed therapist. And if it's not the right fit, you can switch therapists at any time easily and for no extra cost. Listen, talk it out with BetterHelp. Visit BetterHelp.com slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P, dot com slash Deloney. All right, Kelly, am I the problem?

All right. So this is from Tony in Eau Claire, Wisconsin. Tony with a Y or an I? With a Y. All right. Yes. And he writes, am I the problem for wanting boundaries with my in-laws? This is from Tony in Eau Claire, Wisconsin. Tony with a Y or an I? With a Y. All right. Yes. And he writes, am I the problem for wanting boundaries with my in-laws? My wife is very close to her parents.

They video call almost every day, often interrupting our family life. Lately, she's been inviting them to stay for multiple nights without asking me. When they visit, our daughter gives up her room because grandma can't do stairs. She sleeps on an air mattress in her sister's room. Grandpa sleeps alone downstairs in the guest room. Everything shifts to cater to her parents, meals, TV, bedtime, even where we sit at dinner. My wife reverts to daughter mode and dismisses my concern saying, they'll be dead someday. Get over it.

Meanwhile, we rarely see my mom and I've established clear boundaries with my dad and his third wife. I feel like a guest in my own home. Am I wrong for wanting to protect our family's rhythm with some healthy limits? No. Nope. Nope. Nope.

Nope. Now is the time to have that conversation. That's all I really have to say about that. Yes. Yeah. What do you think, Kelly? Same? Oh, I think you're 100 say about that. Yes. Yeah. What do you think, Kelly? Same? Oh, I think you're 100% right on that one.

Yeah. I mean, this is too far. Too far. Yeah. Way too far. Yes. Yeah. You have to build an internal rhythm inside your own home and it has to be having parents

over all the time. Great. Love it. I wish my parents were over all the time. I love that. But it has to be something that you do together. It can't be one person getting out of whack. It sounds like the real boundary here is between you and your wife. And

that's the harder conversation. This is less about her parents. This is less about this is more about your wife going off going rogue, and then get mad at you for not supporting her doing whatever she just wants to. So that's where the true boundary is, but no, you're absolutely right, 100%. We gotta build some boundaries, starting in your marriage and then going from there. Love you guys, stay out of trouble, bye.