The Dr. John Delony Show - I Love My Wife (But She Doesn’t Turn Me On)

Episode Date: August 2, 2024

On today’s episode, we hear about:  ·      A man’s unwanted fantasies getting in the way of intimacy with his wife ·      A woman who’s tired of rude behavior from the wife of her husband’s friend ·      A man who’s overcome with anxiety about the future   Offers From Today's Sponsors ·      10% off your first month of therapy at BetterHelp ·      Three free months of Hallow  ·      25% off Thorne orders  ·      20% off Organifi orders with code DELONY ·     20% off + 2 pillows at Helix Sleep ·      $350 off Pod 4 Ultra at Eight Sleep ·      Up to 30% off Cozy Earth products with code DELONY   Next Steps 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test   📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future  ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards  💭 John's Free Guided Meditation    Listen to More From Ramsey Network 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights              🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💡 The Rachel Cruze Show 💰 George Kamel 💼 The Ken Coleman Show 📈 The EntreLeadership Podcast     Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy https://www.ramseysolutions.com/company/policies/privacy-policy 

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. We have sex. I have to fantasize about other people in order to remain aroused and to perform for her. You are facing a challenge that in bajillions of people, often it's men, and it has little to nothing to do with sexual attraction. It has to do with feeling alive in your own home, and you don't. What up, what up, what up, what up? This is John, the Dr. John Deloney Show. Man, I'm so glad y'all are with us today. Hope your family's well. Hope you are just wrangling with all the madness going on in the world. Hope you're hanging in there. And best you can, turn the news off,

turning the devices off, and being with real people. Even people who are like, did you hear that? Even with those folks. Just device-free human connection, man. But I'm so glad that you're with us on this show, man. We talk about mental and emotional health and relationships and psychology, whatever you got going on in your world, your kids, your marriages. If you want to be on the show, real people going through real difficult stuff,

give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291. It's 1-844-693-3291 or go to j to John Deloney.com slash ask a S K. Oh, I love looking over there when Kelly's out of town and just not seeing Kelly. So good. I like seeing her. She's beautiful, but just saying Taylor,

you've said more nice things this morning than I think Kelly's ever said ever. And you said one sentence. All right, let's go to Charlotte, North Carolina. North Carolina? Let's go to Charlotte, North Carolina. In my mind, I've gone to care. Let's talk to Patrick. Hey, Patrick, what's up?

Hey, John. I've got a question for you. Bring it on, dude. So I've been married for about 14, almost 15 years now. And my wife and I have a great relationship, great marriage. We've got four kids. She's my soulmate. We communicate well.

Everything is going great. We love each other. I've actually fallen in love with her more this year, and we're more intimate now than we ever have been in life. Bro, you're setting this one up, man. I am. I am setting it up. You're like making the shoe really high before you drop it.

Yes, I am. So here's the problem. All right, what's the other shoe? Drop it. I am not sexually attracted to my wife. Okay. And we have sex about two or three times a week, but I have to fantasize about other people and other situations in order to

remain aroused and to perform for her. And I don't like it. I don't want to do this. I wish I could be aroused by her and have a more intimate and fulfilling sex life with her, but it's just not happening. Okay. What can I do about that?

So I feel like the preamble, all the stuff you told me up until this isn't true. Because she doesn't know this. And you told me you're more intimate than you've ever been. You're more in love. You're more communicative.

You'll talk about everything, but she doesn't know you're not attracted to her. Well, she does now. She just found out a couple of days ago. How'd she find out? Were you posting it online? How'd she find out? I, are you posting it online how'd she find out um i i broke

down and confessed her i told her look i'm i have a hard time performing for you and i have to fantasize in order to do it why why do you consider sex a performance so that's what she asked. I don't know. I feel like I have to be the one that initiates. I have to be the one that pulls the whole thing off, or else it's just not going to happen. And that leads me to this sense of, bro, I don't know what kind of... I would hug you if you were sitting here, okay?

So I want you to hear me say that. Okay. You are facing a challenge that bajillions of people, men and women, face in their relationships. But often it's men. And it has little to nothing to do with sexual attraction. It has to do with feeling alive in your own home. And you don't.

And so everything has to be a theater performance and it has to i've got to get my heart rate racing again and i have to concoct this adventure and right now i'm trusting you that it's staying in your head but it will be out of your head shortly you'll be in somebody else's bed because it's that quiet life of desperation. And so as good as you think things are, man, I feel like you're almost having to tell yourself that because you're drowning. You're not even drowning. You're just suffocating in your own home. Is that fair?

Am I crazy? Uh, you might have a point in some regards. I've been working on a lot of that stuff about, you know, bringing my heart back to life and, um, finding out what it is that makes me feel alive. Um, what is it? Honestly, I'm not really sure. I like just hanging out around my friends. I like going on small adventures, but I'm not super extroverted either. So a lot of the stuff that people want to do

just kind of intimidates me, I guess. That's where it is. That's where the adventure is. You've created this story where I'm kind of introverted, so that's off the table. I'm kind of this, so that's off it is. That's where the adventure is. You've created this story where I'm kind of introverted, so that's off the table. I'm kind of this, so that's off the table. And yet your body is starving for it. Forget your friends for a second.

You and your wife, what does play look like? What does Eros and Desire look like? How does she seduce you? She doesn't. Okay. That's the issue to be addressed. How can I address that? Openly and directly and with compassion. Because if this whole thing is one sided, then the whole thing is an event and she is just merely a an actor on a stage she's not with you and you just write the script and hand it to her in fact you don't even hand her the script anymore she just stays she's just there she's not participating in this thing well we have talked about some of that where i've told her, you know, I wish she could engage more and initiate more and participate more.

And she doesn't really know what to say or know what to do. And I've tried to direct her and then she, like she'll say, okay, but then she doesn't do anything. And that has to be addressed. Because in many ways you've said, I don't, I need this from you. I need to feel loved. And right now in this season, here's what feeling loved looks like. And she nods at you and then goes, I don't really care about that. And often there's another side to that. Has she told told you here's what makes me feel loved and alive

yes she has and what does she say um she just wants to know that you know that i'm thinking about her all day like when i'm at work she likes having text messages um from me just telling her that I love her. She likes it when I do kind, gentlemanly things for her, like hold the door open for her and cook for her and things like that. And I do that stuff, but it's just... That's all performative. Yeah. What's beneath that?

She wants to feel special. She wants to feel like she is my one and only. But she's not. Because you have a whole cadre of actors that you rely on to fulfill these stories every night or two or three times a week. And you see how it just turns into this weird figure eight. It's this infinity loop that nobody can catch the other person. It's a strange dance where you are literally suffocating in your own home. And the way you get little gulps of oxygen is to create fantasies and stories so that you can get this physical release.

And she is not a participant. She's just being used for that release. And she can feel it in her nervous system. And so then she begs for, would you tell me that I'm the only one, that I'm special? And you outsource that to text messages and to doing the dishes and to opening the door and putting your hand on the small of her back. All those are important things,

but both of y'all are just trying to breathe through a straw. And unless you both sit down and say, say all right how long have y'all been married almost 15 years 15 years here's the top 10 fantasies of mine you ready right we're gonna go down a rabbit hole and y'all both agreeing curiosity, not judgment. All right, tell me about that one. Why is that exciting? And being able to sit in that tension, in that space, and I know people are listening to this right now being like, I could never tell the person I'm married to that I had this thought one time of,

and I would tell you that's the problem because I know secrets kill relationships and people can feel when they're not connected. And the problem with a lack of connection with two married people who are sleeping together is it accentuates how far apart you are, even though you're in the middle of one of the most intimate physical acts possible because you both know you're not there. Yeah. Does that make sense?

Yeah, it does. Have you, I've joked about this before and it ended up not being a joke. Like it ended up with a life of its own and it ended up being hilarious. Have you tried the john deloney erotic envelope system have you heard me talk about that i've yes actually my wife

and i just did that uh a few months ago how was it i don't remember if it was the exact same thing but very similar it was where we put um 10 things we wanted to try yeah yeah like it was five things per person i think think. Um, and we put them each on a different piece of paper and into a jar and we pulled one out each night and talked about it. Okay. And that was good. Um, but she wrote down nothing having to do with sex whatsoever. And mine were like three out of five are sex related. But that's super instructive. What were her things? Like she wanted to study language together and let's like do a hobby together. And I don't remember what else, but we have them written down upstairs.

And were you curious about those? Yeah, I feel like we could have had more conversation about the items that we pulled out but um i want to pick them back up i certainly want to review them with her because that that's going to tell her or that's that's that's that's her clumsy way of telling she's missing. And your three or four or five or six or 10 fantasies or sex acts, the things you want to participate, y'all want to do together, that sense of aliveness and adventure and desire and thinking about it all day and her being a full participant, not for you, but with you. That's what you're missing. And there's, it feels like there's not a bridge to get there. So you go through the motions, you do the acts, but you're in your head somewhere far away with, with different people.

Yeah. No. And learning a language is a way of, it's a, I'm trying to say it in a not cheesy way. It's a knowing, right? It's a coming together in a deeply intimate way. We have done a thing, we've been through a hard thing, and now we have a way of communicating that no other people in our life do like the depth of intimacy in there and that request is so deep but since it doesn't involve like i don't know a new outfit and some weird music and some like like whatever like whatever you got in your head it it's easy to bypass the sensuality to it. So here's what curiosity looks like. I'll just walk you through it.

So I want to learn a language with you. That's when you pull out of the envelope and you're kind of bummed out because you were hoping it would be like some wild, like, all right, here's what we're going to do. And she pulls out one and it's some weird, like exotic sex act you've conjured up or you saw in some movie back when you were 19 years old, whatever. And here we are. And so immediately there's a little bit of disappointment from

both of you. All he wants is my body. I'm not even a participant. All she wants is to just not be erotic and not whatever. Think about the tension building and the play building and the arrows that would be in your home if you both, and I'm making something up here, you both learned Spanish and then you went on a date in Spanish and you both were people like, you were both from Spain and you went to some, you see what I'm saying? Like, this thing could end in this wild romantic night, but it's about getting the layer beneath the layer

beneath the layer. You know what I'm saying here? Or is it, like, am I sounding like a lunatic? No, I get you. I totally understand. It makes sense, yeah. I also know that this can be incredibly terrifying and very lonely and i hate that for you yeah well some of the some of the things that you mentioned are great

and i i have talked about some of this stuff with her and it seems like i mean again like the stuff i bring up she's not interested in it and the stuff that she brings up, I try, but then again, it just feels like it goes nowhere. Is the interest in, I'm not interested in being a member, I don't want to be a cast member in that particular movie, or is it, I don't want to have that adventure with you? It's- I'm not interested in sharing i'm not interested in like that particular roller coaster i'm honestly not sure i think that's the question

because my guess is um there are some things that people say i'm just not comfortable with that or that hurts or i don't feel good. Like that's part of it. And that's just about open dialogue and talking back and forth. But often, if there is a pattern of performance, a pattern of I am just doing this for you, but I'm not doing this for you but I am NOT a I'm not doing this with you then just another layer another outfit another whatever another fantasy to layer on top of that I'm not really interested in that but I don't I don't want to be an actor in your movie but if I but if you'll let me co-write a script with you, I'll be in for that.

That's good. Okay. And so the layer beneath it is I feel loved when you've been thinking about me all day. And I feel loved when I know that you can't keep your hands off me. And so what world would we have to create where that was possible? And her saying, and you saying with her, this sounds like one of the most valuable things she values with you is your

time. Yeah. And so what does that look like? But I feel like there's a lot of whack-a-mole intimacy up on top of the surface here and there's just lower layers. What's your chief fear in this marriage?

Now I guess it would be that she just wouldn't want to, uh, she would, she would show no interest in getting to know me or not care about, uh, wanting to enter my world or know what's really going on in my mind or. Okay. Have you said those things? Have I said those things to her? Yeah. Yes, I have. And she just said, you're right Have I said those things to her? Yeah.

Yes, I have. And she just said, you're right, I don't want to know you? She admitted to having those feelings in the past, in the early years of our marriage. What's that? Sorry? What feelings? I don't even want to know him? Yeah, feelings like she just is married to me because I'm the breadwinner, and she doesn't really want to get to know me on a deeper level. And that's the way we got through our first seven or eight years of marriage.

And, you know, I almost left the family. I almost got a divorce back then, but things are different now. We've worked through a lot of our issues, and it's a lot better now than it was 10 years ago, 15 years ago. Um, but I'm just afraid that that's going to come back. Is there,

is that possible? I don't know. Is it probable? Um, I don't know. I can see, I can see how it could be how it could happen yeah but do you also see how you're creating a self-fulfilling prophecy

not exactly things were bad seven or eight years ago no question me of a woman telling you like I really didn't care about you you were a safe bed and I needed a warm No question. Me of a woman telling you, like, I really didn't care about you. You were a safe bet. And I needed a warm bed to sleep in.

And so I was willing to high five you a couple times a week. I didn't really care about you. And you felt that every second of your life, seven or eight years ago. And did you have somebody on deck during that time? Did you have a-worker that made you laugh or somebody that you texted back and forth with that you thought man this would be my my off-ramp not really no okay so you just were all alone in your misery yeah i was pretty lonely okay so your body put a GPS pin in that and now you hedge

you don't tell the full truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth because that would have gotten you burned seven or eight years ago and what it's hard to realize is the house is on fire right now and so you're not going to tell her everything she's just going to continue to you're going to live in your head and you're going to act it out in real life and she's just going to put up with

it and you're going to find yourself back in that same pattern of she will participate a couple of days a week because it keeps you happy and it keeps the money depositing in the direct deposit and as much as you're in your head during those times she's for sure in her head thinking about other things right like bills or laundry or whatever else but not what you wish she was thinking about and it just creates what y'all have already had. And that's different than sitting down and saying, I want us to build something together. And giving her the opportunity to say, I'm not doing that. Because you've got to deal with that issue.

Does that make sense? Yeah, it does. And i know it's terrifying do you think she's gonna like be out or that she's gonna force you to say okay then i don't want to be a part of this no divorce is not on the table there's there's no chance of us separating but um okay here's what's beautiful about what you just said. There's no chance this ends. Zero. And so now, all you have to choose is one or the other. Do we want a home of eros and desire and playfulness and fun and connection? Or do we want a house of loneliness and performance and a descending misery?

Because we're not going to leave. And one of those seems infinitely more fun than the other. And one of those are both, I mean, the, the, the playful fun life's pretty hard. Let's just have as much fun as we can in this deal means we're not gonna have sex all the time. And it means not every night of sex is gonna be the Super Bowl. There is just gonna be boring married sex sometimes, and that's great. It's awesome. And there's gonna be what one woman told me,

it feels like a warm hug. It's just connective. It's not adventurous. It's not, ah, it's not that. It's just gentle, connection, good time. And then there's adventure nights and there's fun times. And there's also, hey, what does intimacy look like outside of the bedroom?

Let's sign up for a dance class together. Let's do, oh, you want to do things with me? I'm going to make you a priority in my life. We're going to co-create. We're going to co-write this script. You're not just going to be an actor three nights a priority in my life. We're going to co-create. We're going to co-write this script. You're not just going to be an actor three nights a week in my head. And that's just a totally different life. And bro, just so you know, you're not alone, man. This is the state of modern marriage. Two people expecting the other person to fulfill them instead of sitting down and saying, dude,

let's make something amazing together. And it's not going to be amazing all the time, but let's build towards something awesome where we laugh a lot and play a lot. And I'm going to concede here and I'm going to compromise here. And I don't even know why you're kind of into this because it's kind of weird, but I'm going to play along as long as I feel comfortable and I don't even know why you're kind of into this because it's kind of weird, but I'm going to play along as long as I feel comfortable and I feel safe. And that's too weird or that's super painful. All right, let's have that conversation. Let's just have it. And sometimes the eros is in the conversation.

Tell me more about that. What is it that's exciting about that? Where did that even pop into your head? Right? That can become some of the most intimate conversations and learning. And you learn about your fears, learn about what you're into, learn about what scares you, learns about what like really makes your heart start beating.

Man, what feels a little deviant, all those things. Man, you get to share that with somebody, especially anchored in we're never leaving each other, ever. Gosh, that sounds amazing. But you both got to be willing to go for it. Go all in. I'm grateful for you, brother. Thanks for being open and for giving me a buzz.

I think the conversation that I would start with, if I was in your situation would be to take my wife out and say, hey, I realized over the last four or five years, our marriage has gotten good. It's gotten real good, but I've made you an actor in my world, in my movie. I want to write something with you. Let's do this together. Let's go build something amazing. And in so doing, I want you to tell me beneath, let's do a class together. Beneath, I want you to wear a nurse's outfit together, whatever the thing is. Beneath all that, like what kind of world do we want to create?

What does that look like? Thank you so much for the call, my brother. I'm grateful for you. We'll be right back. Hey, good folks. Let's talk about hallow. All right. I say this all the time. It's important to get away for times of prayer and meditation by yourself with no one else around. But one thing you might not think about though, is maintaining a sense of community when you pray or meditate. And this is especially if you don't consider yourself religious, if you question things,

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and even I don't want to. This is discipline. Sometimes you do this by yourself, and sometimes you do this with a group, and Hallow helps you with both. Download the number one prayer app on planet earth, Hallow, right now. And listen, viewers and listeners of this show, get three free months when you go to halo.com slash Deloney. It's amazing. Three free months of the app when you go to halo.com slash Deloney. Go right now and change your life. Let's go out to Chicago, Illinois and talk to not a man, but Amanda. What's up, Amanda? Hello, Dr. John. I can't believe I'm actually talking to you.

I don't know how you do this every day because I am so nervous and I'm not a very nervous person. I don't have stage fright. Oh, I'm nervous. I don't know how you do it every day. I'm super nervous. Super nervous. I was going to say something about stage fright, but I won't. Hey, so what's up?

Yeah, so, oh, goodness, there is so much detail and background to this story, so I'm going to try to articulate myself and summarize it and get the point across. Start at the end and then work back. So where are you right this second? Okay. So the overarching thing is pretty much, um, how do we navigate a,

a strained relationship with my husband's best friend and his wife when she refuses to talk it out. And so pretty much, hold on, hold on, you don't, you don't, okay. You don't. You don't. Okay. You don't. Is he friends with, he's your husband's best friend?

Lifelong, lifelong. Like brothers, my husband is an only child and it's literally been his lifelong best friend. His parents are best friends with his parents. And yeah, so this has been, we're at a massive impasse. Well, I mean, his best friend's choosing his wife. Yeah. And I wish it was less complicated. I mean, I wish it was more complicated than that, but his best friend is choosing life over him. Right. Which he should. I mean, I mean, I mean,

I guess, yeah, he should. Um, I don't, yes. When it's spoken generally like that. Yes.

But like, there's just been like so much that has happened. Um, I can kind of give you my little synopsis here. Um, will it, will it, so I,

I have a bad habit of overcomplicating things. And so one of the things I'm working on is simplifying things. Is extra nuance here helpful? Or is it coming down to your husband's best friend is choosing his wife over his lifelong best friend, therefore making that relationship. Has the relationship somebody chosen to opt out? Yeah. I mean, that's what it feels like. Behavior's a language, like you always say.

It's kind of come down to, come down to that, you know, something happened that hurt my feelings and kind of crossed a line for me. So we pulled a WWJD, what would John do? And I asked her to sit down to coffee sometime and, you know, talk out anything that we have going on. And she pretty much refused to do it and, um, said some pretty cruel things to me. And, you know, that's not how we thought it was going to go. I figured she'd go with me to coffee and, you know, what she said to you. Oh, without pulling up like the messages and like reading them i wouldn't be able it's not like she straight out called me like the b word or something but it was pretty much an attack on my character and saying that like i'm being petty and i'm

starting drama and all of this stuff um did your husband call his buddy and say dude what's up he did he did well so when they got on the phone the first thing my husband's friend said was you know this is the only time we're going to discuss this you know and why are we going to let this get in the way of a lifelong relationship um he pretty much thinks that, you know, I need to just move on like it never happened. And obviously my husband's like, well, you know, my wife was disrespected. And so, you know, I feel like I can't move forward. What was the thing that happened? In the text messaging.

In the text messaging when I tried to ask her to go to coffee. And I was very general. I just said, hey, you know, would you be wanting to go to coffee sometime? But like specifically, what did she say that was so devastating that you have told your husband, I'm drawing a line here, and either your lifelong best friend's wife fixes this, or this is over? It was pretty much essentially calling me like a petty little girl, and that, you know, I'm trying to start drama, that. Pretty much, she pretty much attacked my character and the message and then said,

I'm not having this conversation. I'm done. You can't respond. You can't have any feelings here. And you need to just like move on. So it's pretty much like she got to like attack my character and say her piece and then act like I'm not able to, you know, address it or sit and talk with her or anything. Yeah. I mean, it's just a strange impasse because you have one of the best friend's wife saying, until she fixes this, y'all can't be friends.

And then you have the other wife saying, well, until you fix this, y'all can't be friends. Well, and I'm not saying that he can't be friends because we've never really been like each other's cup of tea, I guess you could say. It wasn't for our spouses. We wouldn't like be friends, you know, outside in the real world. But we've always kind of just like, you know, been cordial with one another. She's sure she's done things that have been like, you know, like rude or hurtful in the past. And I've kind of just like brushed them off and let them go. Like what? I guess I'm concerned that you're giving this other woman so much voice into your life.

Yeah. Like it seems like, I mean, you just keep this long, a laundry list, but it's not really a laundry list as much as just a big box of, or a big jar of feelings. Yeah. Yeah. And you're choosing to pick it up and carry it every day i'm just curious about it yeah you're giving this woman a lot of power in your life yeah yeah like i've got friends that i hang out with my wife doesn't hang out with us and the person they happen to be with. But it's just not like a, I guess they don't, their person doesn't disrespect my wife. So I guess there's that. But I guess my question to you is why are you carrying this around?

Well, because I want it to work out. It's not going to. Because I want it to for my husband, you know? And so, because I mean, thinking about it, you know, if it was vice versa and it was my friend, I'd be like, you know, I would kind of feel the same way. Like, hey, it's kind of hard to move forward and it makes it even more hard to move

forward when you're trying to pretty much, you know, say that my husband is overreacting and needs to let it go. And. But I mean, you have, you have one wife that says, I don't, I don't like the way you're acting. I want to talk to you about it. And the other wife saying, I don't want to talk to you. I don't like you. Yeah. I mean, and we tried to make it super like general, like my husband even said, you know, if Amanda's ever done anything to upset, you know, insert wife's name, she will happily like, you know, she wants to sit down and hear about those things too. But it's kind of like they just, you know, don't want to do that.

And he was supposed to get back with my husband after he talked to his wife, but he never did. And so like a month later, my husband checked back in and was like, hey, you know, um, did you ever talk to, you know, insert wife's name? And he, he said, Oh, I haven't talked to her since the night that we last spoke. And he didn't really know what to say to it. So he kind of just didn't respond. Cause he kind of felt like, you know, Oh, so you don't really care, like, about mending our friendship either then. So I've never talked about this on this show ever. Not one time.

And in fact, I have never talked about this publicly. My oldest best friend on the planet. Like, the person that, I've got a whole other life with this amazing guy. like the person that I've got a whole other life with, with the, with this amazing guy. And about three or four or five years ago, I got an email from the other side of the world and they said, Hey, we had a great run and I wish you the best. That's the last you're ever going to hear from me.

And hit send. And I checked it back. I emailed back and it had been like, you know, like slowly over time. I had a couple of kids. I moved across the country. This person moved across the world. And this person got married, had a kid. Like, so it was just, it was naturally happening. And I immediately hit reply.

And the email had already bounced back. And that's it. And it was, it breaks my heart because I've got so many extraordinary memories. And in honor of this person, I don't ever talk about this person. I'll never say their name publicly. I don't tell any of the stories.

And there's some wild ones. I just don't bring it up. And that's out of respect for that person because that person. Because that person made it clear that they're changing directions in their life. And this person gets to do that. Yeah. And I hate it.

And it is. And so, I grieved it. And it makes me sad and then I'm going to do the best I can to not choose to be miserable today yeah and anything beyond I mean it just is and I think we try to hang on to childhood friendships

when we it's kind of like I mentioned Todd and John those are two of my closest buddies man we did everything together and then we all got married and we all still did stuff together all the time And then we started having kids and I think I realized One of my buddies is like a little league dad one of those crazy ones that draws literally lineups all day Another one of my buddies was like a cub scout dad and I was like, hey, let's go out in the woods

Like you just find out these people are different. And there's a period of time when you don't hang out as much and life gets busy and it kind of circles back and then it kind of ebbs and kind of flows. And then somebody's wife, you know, gets a job and somebody else's wife gets sick and then somebody moves. It's just the heartbreaking part of life that some of these childhood rider dies,

people grow up and then they change yeah and at some point i don't like the language i just reject the language um a relationship ran its course i think that's stupid but at some point somebody said i'm not putting any more gas in this tank i'm going a different direction or this car is out of gas i'm gonna walk from here i appreciate it we've had a good run and i love the memories and i think you and your husband have to be there and you if you have a principle that people don't talk to me that way and if they do then they have to apologize or i'm cutting them out or i'm not talking to him or whatever then and that's going to cost this friendship or that,

you got to stick by that. And your husband looked at you and said, till death do us part. Same with his buddy. And so it's one of those hard realities that you and your husband need to say, okay, this was a big part of your life, this relationship, and it appears to be over.

It appears to be over. And I'll still cheer him on. And when he has a kid, I'll be happy for him, this relationship. And it appears to be over. It appears to be over. And I'll still cheer him on. And when he has a kid, I'll be happy for him, be exciting. But it's time for us to live in this new reality, which is he's choosing his wife. His wife doesn't want anything to do with us. And by extension, he's choosing to say, I don't want anything to do with you guys either. And we're moving on. And. And then you got to be really sad because that was an important relationship to him for the first 10, 20, 25 years of his life. And now the adventure is going to be, who am I going to make friends with now? Because you can't just not have friends, but we're going to go make new relationships. And it's going to be awkward and weird and terrible and all those things. And you're going to find a couple of people that

become really close friends to you. But at some point you got to stop letting this other woman have so much power over you. You've got to stop trying to reclaim something that another couple is clearly saying, hey guys, we're done with this relationship. Wish you all the best. And that doesn't mean it's done forever, but it's done for right now. And I think you and your husband need to say, okay, there's nothing we can reclaim here. They don't want us. And we're going to grieve and be sad. And then we're going to go find a new couple and invite them over and start with square one.

Is that good news? No, it's heartbreaking, man. And I just know from personal experience, I've been there. I hate it. And it is, it is. And I'm going to choose at the end of the day after grieving to look up and say, how can I make tomorrow brighter than today?

Because what's the other option? I just refuse to sit in misery anymore. Thanks for the call, Amanda. Appreciate you. Wish I had better news for you, but I think you knew the answer. You know the answer. It's just about taking that next step forward. We'll be right back.

It's time to talk about Organifi. All right, here's one of my main life goals. I want to be as healthy as possible for as long as possible. I want to be that old semi-balding guy in the back of the mosh pit. And I also want to be that old guy dancing with his beautiful wife into my eighties. And I want to be able to roll around with my grandkids and some WWE style wrestling match into my nineties. And that's why right now I exercise, I work on my friendships and I try to eat and drink things that only have safe, high quality, high integrity ingredients. And this is why I love Organifi. They're incredibly

selective about what goes into their whole food blends. And Organifi gives you ingredients with integrity, plant-based, certified organic, vegan, dairy-free, soy-free, and glyphosate residue-free. By the way, that's a pesticide you don't want anywhere near you. And it's simple to get the health benefits with Organifi. You just mix with water or your favorite beverage and drink it down. You can take their green juice first thing in the morning to balance stress and get ready for your day.

And you can take Organifi red juice in the afternoon or before a workout for natural sustained energy and endurance. And I love my happy drops every day for natural mood support with saffron extract. Go to Organifi.com slash Deloney right now to save 20% off at checkout with code Deloney. That's Organifi, O-R-G-A-N-I-F-I dot com slash Deloney and code Deloney for 20% off. All right, let's go to Phoenix,

Arizona and talk to Martin. Hey, Martin, what's up, man? Hey, doctor, how you doing? I'm doing good, brother. How are you? I'm all right. To be honest, I'm struggling right now. So last

night... Hold on, hold on, hold on. hold on, hold on, hold on. Are you all right? Well... Are you nervous? Are you running? I'm a little agitated because everything just happened so quick yesterday. The conversation wasn't even supposed to be about this.

Hey, it's all good. I'm glad we're on the phone. Do me a favor. Take a huge, huge, deep breath as deep as you can. Hold it for five, four, three, two. Now take your shoulders and pull them up to your ears

as tight as you can and hold it real tight. Flex it hard. Three, two, and then drop them down. Take your hands and squeeze them as hard as you can Tight, tight, tight, tight, tight, tight Three Two Let go

Alright, we squared up Yes Sorry about that Bro, you don't have to apologize to me Sorry about that Don't apologize Alright, holler back I know you ain't no holler back girl But holler back Okay, so what's up? to apologize to me? Sorry about that. Don't apologize. All right, holler back.

I know you ain't no holler back girl, but holler back. Okay, so what's up? So the conversation was supposed to be about me feeling basically me not being able to be happy even though I have everything at my disposal to be a happy person, a happy life, a happy family.

Everything pretty well, financially okay, but I can't find, what would I say, purpose, happiness, I would say anxiety about everything going on wrong at all times, even though it usually doesn't or never actually happens, what goes through your head, you know? Yeah. What happened yesterday? My, well, we got an emergency call from my family in Mexico that my grandfather was basically in dead's door. He went in for surgery,

but I'm not going to say never came out, but it doesn't seem like he's going to come out. I'm sorry. And to be honest, we were really close. We were really, really close. And I can't even make it out there right now because I'm working. Thankfully, my father and my mother were able to go out there, and we had to stay out here and work. We have a family business, so we can't close shop and go out there, sadly.

Hold on. Says who? Oh, well, responsibility. More than anything. You can't take three days to go say goodbye? I mean, I want to, but I would have to shut everything down. What do you do? We fabricate sheet metal for HVAC, air conditioning, in Arizona. And right now, it's 115 degrees out here.

I can imagine. We're hauling, you know what I mean? Thankfully, my father and my mom and a couple others that needed to go, the family business, so they needed to go, I went, you know, so. Okay. It's his father, so. Does to go, I went, you know, so. Okay. It's his father, so. Does your mom and dad work with you in this business?

Yes, they do. Okay. Yes, they do. It's, we have a whole little team going on with the family and a few workers, you know, but they left, and it's me and my brother right now and the guys are working so here's the deal Martin happiness is inside of you

it's not external and until you make peace with Martin and you haven't until you decide Martin's a guy worth being loved, and you don't believe that, until you do, you're just going to keep chasing, man. And you're going to chase something off a cliff, or you're going to chase something so hard, your body's going to decide that alcohol

or pills is going to be the best way to get through a day? Or that cheating on your wife a bunch is the best way to get through your day? But Amigo, you got to get peace, brother, from the inside out. But how would I go about it? Because, I mean, I've gone to therapy.

I've seen a few counselors. I've read the mean, I've gone to therapy. I've seen a few counselors. I've read the Quran. I've gone to the Fourth Noble Truths of the Buddha. I know. You're chasing, bro. All that's out there. All that's out there. All that's out there, man.

Who told you that performance is the way you get love? Your old man? I want to say that I just, that's all we've always done is just work. And at the beginning, you know what I mean, it was work to survive. Work to survive. Of course it was. We migrated here, and it was just work to survive. Father was able to establish a small business, and 10 years later, right now,

we're at a point where he thankfully can leave a week or two and then we can run the shop and he can safely be out there with his income, with his family and helping them out right now because I'm sure it's gonna be really hard on all of us, but I'm sure it's gonna be a lot tougher on them. But anytime somebody migrates, a part of a family packs up and says, life is going to be better somewhere else. We got to go make a run at this.

Right. They leave roots in that soil. They often leave blood in that soil. They often leave blood in that soil. And that disconnection, that piece of me that's over there, not where my feet are, is something that haunts immigrant families, right? Yes, yes. And for example, right now, I can honestly say, part of me is very appeased because my father wasn't able to make it. His mom passed away. She passed away over there.

And at the time he, he wasn't able to leave the country. So I saw how he took that, you know what I mean? Not being able to see How'd he take it Or say goodbye to your mom Well he

He got to work Yeah He got to work And that's not a bad thing But it's his annex It's a joint It's a bottle It's a way to numb out

Really hard pain. Right. When did you come over? How old? I was six years old. Six, seven years old. Six and a half, going to seven. Tell me about...

Started second grade here. Tell me about second grade, six-year-old Martin coming to second grade. Well, it was hard, you know, just starting school. Tell me. I started school, first of all, I began in an American school. I didn't know any English. Okay, so how about this? No?

See? You couldn't speak it at all? At all. At all. Nothing. Just nothing. Just a foreign country country foreign people foreign language and uh i remember just it was always just always on on the defensive you know i mean always ready to well to me i was, I wouldn't speak much at the beginning. I didn't know how to.

And then it was crying because I didn't want to go. Mom, I was not understanding anything I was being taught. It was me putting it. But then at home. I related from the, sorry about that. No, no apologizing, brother. And then at home, mom and dad said, you better be grateful. No, no.

I cannot say my mom just tried always her hardest, but again, she didn't speak English. She would sit there with the dictionary trying to figure out how to translate,

but we didn't have the internet back in the day, you know, just translate everything instantly. So we would have to sit there with the dictionary, figure out each word, what it meant,

try to translate the sentence for it to make sense to us, and then try to proceed with the actual task of doing the homework, all that. You know what I mean? And then my dad was working. I mean, it was mom helping at school at the house, and my dad just working 12, 14 hours a day.

So here's what I know to be true. Your home was filled with deep, deep, deep love, and your home was riddled with insecurity. Economic insecurity, loneliness, disconnection from family roots. It was electric on that six year old little body and my guess is that six year old

is still driving you right now what's coming next when do we got to pack up and go again who's going to leave soon where's the next punch coming and when I listen to your story Where's the next punch coming? Right And when I listen to your story

All I hear Is someone who is Unfathomably Strong And resilient Bro you had to look up You had to look up human connection in the dictionary, and you made it work.

Dude, you got kids that throw their phones across the room because their cell service is too slow because I only got two bars. But I don't feel like I'm grateful. I don't feel like I'm grateful enough for everything. Because you haven't grieved, brother. You haven't grieved.

And you keep waiting for this to feel a certain way. It's not going to. But you've got to grieve the fact that you got taken from your home when you're six years old. It doesn't matter that you think it's better now. It doesn't matter that you have some more. You have a car and an air conditioner and a job and a business. That doesn't matter. Until you let little Martin go play.

That's what six-year-olds are supposed to do, man, with their friends. It's not right that a little six-year-old boy gets dropped in a box where nobody looks like him. He doesn't speak the language. All the teachers are looking at him. He's got to perform in this dance that he doesn't understand the steps. And I give him my excuse as always. Not my excuse, but the way

I put it is I didn't have it that bad. How's that working for you, man? Because your body's shutting you down. Bro, I'm telling you right now, that is bad. That is.

And it's the path that has brought you to right now. So you've made some incredible, you've done some good with the muscles you built, with the strength and grit and determination and resilience. You've done some amazing things. You have a family now of your own? I have a wife, yes. I'm married. You love her?

Yes, I do. Do you love her? Yes, I do. Do you honor her? Take care of her? Yes. Yes. Does she love you back? Yes, she does. Okay.

Exhale on that. Whew. Because your nervous system is still waiting for her to leave. Like you've been going through your whole life waiting for the next shoe to drop, right? Yes. And then eventually something happens.

Eventually grandmother passes away. And your body goes, see, I told you. And then it clenches back up really tight and doesn't let you breathe and doesn't let you feel, doesn't let you sleep, and it's just waiting and waiting and waiting. And then granddad gets sick years later and he goes, see, told you. And that's just that six year old holding tight his backpack walking into that classroom

listening to a bunch of strange voices and a strange language and strange culture and strange rules that you don't understand so but so if me searching for it hasn't worked and I understand that it's from within,

that it has to start the healing, how do I go about it? Because I've read about that. I've heard many hours of podcasts. I've read many hours of audiobooks. You've got to stop listening. You're using information as a shot. Like you're using information as a shot. Like you're using information as a shot of whiskey.

It's a way to numb out and not go do. Tonight, here's what I want you to do. All by yourself. I want you to sit down with a spiral notebook and I want you to write six-year-old Martin a letter in Spanish. And I want you to close your eyes before you do. And I want you to imagine that little boy walking into that classroom and you as an adult sitting in the corner watching him. And I want you to feel his jaw clench up and him trying so hard not to cry because he's tough and his

shoulders tight and him just trying to disappear in that room and i want you to write that letter and as somebody who sees him dear six-year-old martin i see you and we're gonna be all right but i'm so sorry this happened to you at six years old. And then the second letter, I mean, hold on, there's a pause there. Just thinking of that causes your body to relax, right? Yeah, yeah, just acknowledging it and actually going back that deep, you know what I mean,

and thinking actually it was actually quite tough. Yeah, it was for a long time. And by the way, it doesn't mean your dad did the wrong thing. He probably did the best thing he could. He probably tried to love you guys and take care of you guys and wanted to come to a great place for a great opportunity. It doesn't mean it's all bad. But that's still devastating for a six-year-old little kid.

Both of those things are true. It doesn't mean your dad's a bad guy. Your mom did the most amazing thing she could to sit down with the dictionary and work through it. Man, that's so amazing. And it's really, really stressful. Think of

it this way. You blow your knee out today. The surgeon, an amazing surgeon, is going to give you the power to walk again. But to do so, they have to cut your knee open through all the cartilage and muscle and do all the stuff and sew you back together from the inside out.

And you're not going to be able to walk right for six months. And it's still the inside out. And you're not going to be able to walk right for six months. And it's still the right thing. See what I'm saying? Yeah. Yeah. And here's the second letter. How old are you right now? I'm 28.

I want you to write a letter to 35-year-old Morton. And with the same clarity you saw, you talked to six-year-old you, I want you to talk to six-year-old you i want you to talk to 35 year old you and here's the man i'm gonna be i'm gonna be a man who tips obnoxiously i'm gonna be a man who once a month goes down to the local elementary school in Phoenix. And I have lunch with the kids who can't speak English that well. And I let them see, here's a picture of a guy who was just in that seat 30 years ago. And it does get better. And I'm a man who's a good dad. I'm a great husband.

I own my own part of the shop now. Whatever it is. But you're stuck on a loop that it's always going to be this bad, and I'm always going to wait for the next shoe to drop, and I can't see more than one step past tomorrow. And I want you to begin to open your eyes and look up. It's like you're walking, but your head is just staring at your feet. I want you to look up, man.

There's light out there. I've been trying. I know you are. I know you are. I can't tell you how proud of you I am, man. No, man. Thank you. Thank you for just listening and hearing me out.

I appreciate it. What's your granddad's name? It's Francisco. Good man? He was a great man. What's a funny memory of him? Give me a real quick funny story of him. A funny story of him would be four years ago.

No, three years ago, right after COVID, everything started ending. We were able to take him to Vegas as a family for the very first time. Did he get off the rails? 87 years old, we were in Vegas. We were taking shots.

We were literally at the pool parties with him in a wheelchair. It was amazing. We took him to all the places he'd never been. He wanted to see. It was a great time. A 97-year-old at a pool party in Vegas. All right, that's your third letter. Dear Granddad, dear Abuelo, I'm going gonna miss you and remember that time

and here's what I in light of the man you were here's who I'm gonna become I'll do that I'll definitely do that and listen those three letters

to your past self to your future self to your granddad who's passing, that's the hard work. Reading another book, listening to another podcast is not the work, bro. Getting more information often isn't the answer after you already have the information. It makes a lot of sense. Do you work out? Yes, I do

Four times a week You're probably like me Have you spent days Where you spent an hour researching What workout you should do Instead of just going in the stupid garage And doing a workout? Yes

I spent hours reading the things to do Yes, just go do something Right? Right Your success I spent hours reading the things to do. Yes, just go do something, right? Right. Your success, your next step is in the work you're not doing. Yes. Bro, I think you have strength that you don't even know you have. You've got resilience that you don't even know you formed.

And it's when you look in the mirror and you acknowledge I'm loved. If you've picked up the Bible, then the core message there is the deity, God, the power that is coursing through the universe looks at Martin and says, I see you and I love you. And nothing,

nothing can separate you from that. And instead of that becoming like, well, I better dance right then, that should drop your shoulders and say, man, I'm anchored in. I can go do whatever now because i'm i'm loved I get to what comes next Man, it's been my high honor to talk to you today, brother. Thanks for calling and i'm proud of you

If you want to be a real gangster, dude Send me one of those letters and i'll read it over on the air You're the one the 60 year old self the 35 year old self or the one to Party in abuelo francisco Getting getting it in Vegas in his wheelchair, man. That's awesome. Thank you so much for the call, brother. Call anytime.

I got you. We'll be right back. Hey, what's up? Deloney here. I am just super excited to announce I'm hitting the road with my buddy Dave Ramsey this spring on a brand new Tour just us two and we're putting a new twist on this thing. We're gonna talk about money We talk about relationships and we're gonna tell stories you'll have never heard before It's gonna be an incredible fun night

But every night is gonna be totally different because you the audience are gonna help choose what we talk about You heard that right? It's going to be like no event you've ever been to. We're kicking it off in Louisville on April 21st, 2025, and then we're going to Durham, Atlanta, Phoenix, Fort Worth, and then Kansas City. You're going to laugh. You're going to learn, and if we do our jobs right, you're going to change your life. Get your tickets for the Money in Relationships Tour today at ramseysolutions.com slash tour. All right, we're back. So, all right, Kelly's gone, Taylor's here. And I realized that I started the show by making a joke about Kelly. And people have made it loud and clear.

They think I'm too mean to Kelly. So we're going to end the show today, but we're going to go around the studio and everyone's going to say something nice about Kelly. And it's going to be harder for some people than it is for others. Mainly because they're terrible people, not because of Kelly.

So we'll start with you, Ben. Oh, me first. What's your favorite thing about Kelly? There's just so many good qualities. It's hard to pick one. It is. So many. Gosh.

She has a very inviting energy about her. So, you kind of get drawn to the conversation she's having because she's just, honestly, she makes fun of people because we also make fun of her. But she's genuinely a very nice and friendly and fun person to be oh my bad we're talking about kelly daniel oh go ahead oh sorry i thought you were talking about a different kelly no i love kelly she's fantastic um andrew all right so really i love i do love kelly and also she's my leader and decides my pay raises. So there's that. But even before she was my leader, Kelly's really smart. She has done so many crazy things, questionable things,

that she has a lot of life experience. And she's very wise in that because she made a lot of mistakes. I get to learn from those. Taylor? Well, I'm the actual nice one in here, but Kelly's been my lifesaver here. She knows my background, where I've come from, and she is not afraid to pull me aside and be like, this place is different. You can be yourself and you can set boundaries. Ah, very cool.

Skylar? I think that I would read Kelly's memoir, and I just think that Kelly just holds so much authority. And I think, like, as a young woman, it's very cool to see, like, oh, like, everything does get better, and you do grow in authority and confidence. I just think she's great. She's smart, pretty, rich, great at all sorts of things.

She's a good hang, too. I went to a concert with her last night. Here's my favorite thing about that concert. She took today off. Yeah, I'm here. What's your excuse, Kevin? Love it. Actually, she's one of my like good friends i

um yes i think that's probably she's the best hang she is a great hang i'll just leave it at that and she's old enough to make not wise choices and she's wise enough to shift those unwise choices into great times and that she's awesome. She's the best. So there we go. Is that good? Yeah, we love Kelly. We've corrected the good. I love Kelly too. With all my H-E-A-R-T

of which I have one and she does not. Love you guys. Bye.