The Dr. John Delony Show - I Married a Man With Kids but I Don’t Like Being a Stepmom

Episode Date: December 29, 2021

Today’s episode is all about owning your life—the good, the bad and the ugly. Listen to a young woman who resents being a stepmom, a mom who can’t get her family to listen to her, and an overweight, working parent who stress-eats to calm down. I married a man with kids but I don't like being a stepmom Our family isn't respecting our boundaries around our kids' Christmas presents I’m fat, I stress eat, and I don’t know what to do about it Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show. Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp DreamCloud Churchill Mortgage Resources: Questions for Humans Conversation Cards Redefining Anxiety Quick Read John’s Free Guided Meditation Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.

On today's show, we talk to a new wife whose marriage is not what she signed up for. We also talk to a mom whose parents keep buying too many gifts for their kids. And we talk to a woman who is struggling with overeating and stress and new identities. Stay tuned. What's up? Hey, what are you doing? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. What's happening?

Look, the lobby has tons of people in it. That's not true. It's got four. It's got four people. There he is. There's number four. Hey, there's a fifth over there. There's got four people. There he is. There's number four. Hey, there's a fifth over there.

There's people everywhere, man. We have 100% increased our normal show audience from a couple of stragglers and people cleaning up to four, Alaska, Florida. We've got all of America here, America. This is so good. All right, James, listen Hey Before I talk to James

This is the Dr. John Deloney show I'm glad you're here We talk about mental health, relationships, everything And it's the most linear show you'll ever listen to I like to Complete all the thoughts Trains that we start, is that right James? Yeah, there's no unclosed loops here.

No, what do you call them? No unlanded planes. Land the plane, John, land the plane. If you are not a hunter, just hit the little 15 second thing a few times. So this week was Thanksgiving break and my son and I went out into the woods. James, listen, listen, right before dark, my son and I went out into the woods. James, listen, listen, right before

dark, my son and I had been hunting all day. And right before dark, I told my son, I'm going to go for a walk. And just as the like, it felt like Terminator 2. I shot this deer in full stride. And I was alone in the woods. And I didn't know who, I wanted to like tell somebody. And that was just me. And so I went and got my son. And then within five minutes, it was midnight pitch black, like being on the moon pitch black and we had to

get this deer out of the other side of the moon not the side of the moon with the sun facing the dark side of the moon hashtag pink floyd and we had to get this deer out of the woods and it was a long arduous frightening just rough time getting it out. But as we almost got all the way out, my son looked at me, and I could barely see him. We had one little light. He just said, Dad, this is awesome. And, man, I thought I was scarring him.

Like I even pushed it past my limits, and I thought, whew, he's going to be a serial killer, but he's going to be a nice one. It's going to be good. So that was, we had a, it was pretty remarkable father-son time. Hey, take your kids out into the woods. It's good for everybody. And no, killing is not fun and it's not great and all that stuff, but it's real and it's life. And I think that one of our main challenges with our mental health challenges in this country is disconnection from everything, from sleep, from food, from death, from everything.

And there's something very primitive and raw and very real about taking the life of an animal and knowing it's going to provide provision for your family for months on end. And it was a pretty cool time together, man. What did you all do, James? Well, I was working on a PETA sponsorship over the break for your show, and that's out the window now. Yeah. They're not huge fans. No, we had a good, quiet Thanksgiving.

Just our family. It was wonderful. Did y'all just sit around and stare at each other, play the recorder? No, but we always go get the tree and start decorating for Christmas the day after Thanksgiving. So that's a fun tradition. So joy for the James Childs family is just no other humans, just us. I like that. I may or may not have read a Louisa May Alcott story about Thanksgiving to the kids.

We're pretty homeschooled at our house. Gosh. And then we went outside and made our own pencils. It was good. It was awesome. We made a batch of shaving cream for the winter. It was excellent. Good job, James. That's awesome. All right, that's it. Let's go to Danny. Is that it, Danny? All right, Danny in Billings, Montana. What's up, Danny? How we doing?

Hey, Dr. John. How are you? So good. How about you? I am hanging in there. That sounds sick. Come on. Hanging in there? It's pretty cold. So, you know, do what you can do.

Oh, how cold is it? It's like five right now. Nope. Nope. Nope. There are some people who believe in hell and people who believe in hell think hell is hot. And I might disagree because you know what hell sounds like?

Five degrees. Five. What's that? Planes, trains, and I might disagree. Because you know what hell sounds like? Five degrees. Five. What's that? Planes, trains, and automobiles. He's like, how cold is it out here? One. Five degrees. Okay, so yes, I can see you're hanging on there. That's not great. So other than that though, what's going on? Yeah, so I'm

calling because I'm 24 years old. I love the way you're dancing around this. This is so good. Okay. So you're 24. Yep. I've been married now for about six months. Um, and two months into, um, my husband, Matt and my marriage, we, um, took custody of his two kids. So full custody of his six year old and 10 year-year-old from his previous marriage. And I, I don't know. I'm just kind of here and going along with it

and figuring it all out. So before that, they're from Alabama. And so we were just kind of there with them. What do you mean you're going along with it? They're your kids. That's your husband. What do you mean? Yeah, yeah.

Are you not a huge fan? I never really thought I was going to have kids. Say it out loud. Say it out loud. Are you not a huge fan? I mean, I'm not. I mean, I love them. But I never thought I was going to have kids.

And so part of the reason that I think it was so appealing to be with him is because he didn't want any more kids. And had these two wonderful kids who lived with their mom who was doing really awesome. And then she fell into opiate addiction. And so now they're with us full time. So they've gone through a whole lot. And I'm going through it too. Yeah. So you've got two kids who've got a lot of trauma coming to move in with dad in the middle of the year from Alabama to five degrees to new mom who's 24.

How much older is he than you? He's 31. 31? Okay, so that's not a lot. Okay, you said you didn't want kids, but you married a guy with two kids. That seems like the algorithm doesn't work. Do what? I know. They didn't live with us, though, and I thought, oh, it would be so great.

They're going to be there. We can be there and support them, but not, I guess, being it full-time, as selfish as that sounds. And now we're here and we're doing it all full time and doing all the extracurriculars and all the schooling and taking them to counseling and doctor's appointments and all of those things. It's a lot. So I can hear you smiling almost so hard because if you stop smiling, you're going to start crying. Is that where you're at? Yep. Yeah? Yeah. So how can I help? Because, yeah, you're there. Like, it's here.

Are you thinking about leaving the marriage? Because that's not what you signed up for? Yeah, but it's kind of what I've been thinking about most of the time. But these kids also, so they lost their stepdad to overdose. And so I'm so scared to be somebody else that leaves them after all this trauma that they've been through. Yeah, but it's also, I'm worried for them to have a new maternal figure in their life that doesn't like them. I mean, I do love them. You love them, but you don't like what they've done to your precious little life. Yeah. You know what I mean, I do love them. You love them, but you don't like what they've done to your precious little life.

Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah, and it's just hard to accept that and not feel so selfish. Why is that hard to accept that you married a guy with two kids and now those two kids are there and this is our life now? What do you think you're missing out on? I think before we had the kids with us here, we were out all the time adventuring and backpacking and climbing and we're just all over the place doing everything. And now we're, you know, taking the kids to Taekwondo lessons and going to dance lessons. And it's just my whole life has gone from doing what I want to do when I want to do it to living by this other schedule.

Yeah. And so it just feels like everything has changed. And my relationship has changed so drastically. What's your husband say when you tell him all this? So we just started marriage counseling. He's, I guess, understanding, but worried. Yeah, he should be because his wife's about to leave him. Yeah.

He should be real worried. Yeah. And he's also got his fair share of mental health challenges. He's a vet who has some PTSD things he's struggling with. And so it's just, I don't know. It just all feels like a mess all the time. Yeah. What part of this can you control?

I can control how engaged I am with kids. And I don't know. I try to control it in the most like micro ways, like making sure that they have the healthiest lunches possible every single day. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. With that, you're talking about duty and you have a duty right now. Cause you, did you adopt them? Were you part of the adoption?

No, we can't yet. Okay. Have you started that process? No, we can't yet. Okay. Have you started that process? No, we have to wait quite a few years. Okay, so they're just living in full custody with dad right now? Correct. Okay. So back out before you start the duty stuff,

you're playing mom right now, and you're basically being like a big babysitter, and you were married for six months to somebody and now that's all sideways like what can you control inside your own head let me let me ask it another way are you done because if you're done say you're done and say it out loud. If you are grieving the fact that the world just went sideways on you, I think you signed up for this.

That's just what it sounds like. You married a guy with two kids and you can't be stunned that two kids now, that the guy with two kids now has two kids. But it is a different arrangement than you in your heart were hoping for. But you can either just be done and walk away or you can grieve this. It's a mess. It's not what it was. We used to be able to run the world and do everything. And now our world is different. And now how do we make desire? How do we practice desire? How do we love one another? How do we have crazy fun adventures and hikes and crazy fun sex and crazy fun stuff and still raise a 10 year old and six year old? Like, how do we do those things together? Or like, man, I'm out. It feels like those are your two choices.

Or the third one is, which helped. Third one is actually what most people choose, Danny, which is I'm just going to stay in this and be miserable for the rest of my life. That actually what most people choose, Dani, which is I'm just going to stay in this and be miserable for the rest of my life. That's how most people do it. Yeah, it's kind of where I feel like I am right now, like teetering on this decision. Don't choose misery. Yeah.

Don't. So convince me that these two kids and that your husband that you loved a lot a few months ago, convince me they're not worth creating a brand new wild adventure for your life. What are you missing? I guess. Let me ask it this way. Let me ask it this way.

So I used to live in Houston in a, in a big city. And in my head, I was always going to concerts and Astros games and sporting events and things like that. Then we moved out to West Texas where there's not a major sports team. There's college teams and things like that. But I'd always talk to my wife about wanting to get back to the city,

back to the city, back to the city, back to the city. And then finally, one day she just called me on it and said, what is it about the city? And because our life's very similar to what it was. I was like, no, man, the Astros game. And she nailed me up to the wall using data.

I went to about one or two games a year. And I went like on a big fishing trip to the beat like to Galveston like once a year and I went to concerts like two or three times a year yeah and I did those same things in West Texas because I would drive to Houston and I'd go to like two concerts we'd go to a Stroh's game and I'd go fishing like so my life really hadn't changed my fantasy about what my life used to be that's what changed yeah you're i'm saying so what would you what are you actually missing i think what i'm missing the most is a world that's not controlled by other people. So we're still in all of this court stuff in and out. And it just feels like every day,

all my decisions are being made by somebody else. Okay. Unpack that. All your decisions. Brushing your teeth? No. You go to the bathroom? No.

Where are you going to the bathroom? Gross. Go in the bathroom. Don't be disgusting. Go in an actual potty. I said potty because I have a five-year-old. That's ridiculous. I meant to say toilet. I live in the woods, though. You can. I live in the woods, too. It's so great. You can go wherever you want to, man. Do you have pets?

We don't. Okay. Who decided that? See, like the all language. What decisions are being decided for you? I guess my general daily schedule outside of work and personal time. Okay. Like? Like what I'm doing in the evenings, what I'm doing on the weekends. Okay. What are those things?

Like taekwondo. Taekwondo. And doing... Have you ever taken taekwondo? No. How incredible would it be if you signed up for taekwondo? You'd become a ninja. I mean, I guess. My kid really likes it.

Yes. So here's what I'm saying. Here's what I'm getting at. Here's what I'm getting at, Here's what I'm getting at. Okay. And I'm trying to smile through it because I know it's hard for you. Okay. Here's the thing.

The world took a left turn on you for whatever reason, whatever. You and I could debate all day long what your role in this is. I think it's high. You think it's probably low. That's a fun drinking game. More important is here's where you're at. Yeah. And your ultimate question is,

what am I going to do next? Am I going to leave my husband, who I loved a few months ago, and our fantasy life that we lived as a 24-year-old? I didn't want kids. And now I've got two, even though I'm married again, I have two kids and I got,

now I got two and I'm making lunches and I have to ask myself, am I going to trade the random camping trip or the random hiking trip for Taekwondo classes? Am I going to trade sitting on the couch, watching Netflix for taking kids to school? Am I going to trade sitting on the couch watching Netflix for taking kids to school? Am I going to trade ordering in DoorDash for making a healthy dinner for, you know, or having my kids, teaching kids how to make dinner for themselves and all of us doing that together? You're going to have to ask yourself that. But what I don't want you to do is to use words like all and everything and no more

and those big catastrophic end of times words because they're almost always not true. So here's your homework assignment. Are you ready? I am. Homework assignment number one, I don't think you fully told your husband how bad things are. Have you? It's starting to come out in counseling. Yeah, so you haven't told him yet. You need to look him in the eye and say, I'm considering leaving you. If you are indeed doing that. Or if you need to say out loud, my whole world exploded.

I know yours did too. This is not what I signed up for. And I'm working through what it's going to look like for me to be here. That's a fair thing to say. That's an honest thing to say. And you need to say that out loud because then you both can work on what that looks like. If you just him haul around and like, I don't know, I'm just thinking about, man, that gets messy. And he thinks he's, he's helping out and he's not because he's not getting at the root issue. Okay. And by the way, you're going to make him crazy because he's going to think he's the problem. And the problem right now is your choices.

And then the third thing is I want you to write down these stories because you've got a lot of stories in your head. Stories about what you wanted for your life, what happened to you, what's fair, what's not fair. I don't have any time left. I've got no whatever left, all my whatever. I want you to write those stories down, every one of them. And then I want you to draw a line across the page and demand evidence. Is this one true? Is every one of my decisions now over? No. Am I able to pack up and go camping anymore? No, I'm not allowed to do that anymore because I got two 10-year-old and a six-year-old. Can we get babysitters and and go camping anymore? No, I'm not allowed to do that anymore because I got two, a 10-year-old and a six-year-old. Can we get babysitters

and still go camping? Can we, after, you know, the shock of two, a 10-year-old and a six-year-old joining our house, can we get back to a great sex life? Can we get back to date nights? Can we get back to these things?

And the answer to all that is yes. It's just if you want to work for it or not. Yeah. Yeah. And so my question all that is yes It's just if you want to work for it or not Yeah Yeah And so my question for you is this Are you going to or not? I think you're out Yeah, I don't know yet

I hope you're not I hope you will Create a whole new adventure And you'll stick it out I really do And not just because of the I mean there's all that But for you

I think you've got a monster adventure ahead of you Of course it's going to be hard and brutal And completely different than you thought But man It could be so much better Than you could have ever dreamt But it sounds to me like you're done, man. Yeah.

Yeah. I don't know yet. I see. I don't believe you. I think you do know, and you don't want to say it out loud, and that's fair. I won't force you to do it on the internets,

on the podcast. I want you to practice. I want you to practice. I want you to pretend you're staying. Pretend you're staying for 30 days and go all in. And all in means you're going to be honest with your husband. Going all in means you're going to attempt to get some skills that you don't have right now. Going all in means you're going to sign up for a class that you never thought you would take, like Taekwondo.

That you're going to get a cookbook. I don't know if you ever bought one of those before. Whatever it is. Why don't you go all in for 30 days? I want you to tell your husband, I'm going all in for 30 days. But I'm really nervous. Be honest with him. Don't let him drown all alone at the end of this thing.

I think you got something awesome at the end of this one. Don't bail out, Dana. We'll be right back from the Dr. John Deloney Show. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. All right, October is the season for wearing costumes and masks. And if you haven't started planning your costume yet, get on it. I'm pretty sure I'm going as Brad Pitt in Fight Club era because, I mean, we pretty much have the same upper body, but whatever. All right, look, it's costume season. And let's be honest, a lot of us hide our true selves behind costumes and masks more often than we want to. We do this at work. We do this in social setting.

We do this around our families. We even do this with ourselves. I have been there multiple times in my life and it's the worst. If you feel like you're stuck hiding your true self, I want you to consider talking with a therapist. Therapy is a place where you can learn to accept all the parts of yourself, where you can learn to be honest with yourself and you can take off the mask and the costumes

and learn to live an honest, authentic, direct life. Costumes and masks should be for Halloween parties, not for our emotions and our true selves. If you're considering therapy, I want you to call my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy, and you can talk with your therapist anywhere so it's convenient for your schedule. You just fill out a short online survey and you get matched with a licensed therapist. Plus, you can switch therapists at any time for no additional cost. Take off the costumes and take off the masks with BetterHelp. Visit BetterHelp.com slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month.

That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Deloney. All right, we are back, Jack. Let's go to Tricia in, where is Trisha? Columbia, Missouri. What's up, Trisha? How are we doing? Good, how are you? So good. Things going okay? Yeah, thanks for taking my call. Of course, you got it. What's up? I have a question about Christmas gifts. So my husband and I, we have three young daughters and a small house. And then we have several grandparents and family members who buy for our kids. And I have really tried to encourage my family to buy gift cards or not to just buy them a ton of toys.

And it doesn't seem like people are really on board. There's been some pushback. And I'm just trying to figure out how can I politely ask them to please not buy us just millions of toys without crossing boundaries there and offending people. Trisha, why do you hate Christmas? I love Christmas. I'm just messing with you. More importantly, why do you hate America and toys?

I'm just kidding. But in all seriousness, why do you hate your children? No, but legitimately,. I'm just kidding. Okay. So listen, um, are your parents and your in-laws, is this a power move or do they love your kids and they have a picture of what that love looks like and they're trying to live their picture of love out or are they is this a flex for them both both yeah absolutely uh for for some of them it seems like you know they they do this out of love and they want to get that that one gift that makes their eyes light up when i'm just like begging them let's just play a game you know buy buy a game and play that with them and that'll make their eyes light up but yeah peg

a kid with a uh water balloon that'll light their face i mean yeah give them a game and play that with them, and that'll make their eyes light up. Yeah, peg a kid with a water balloon. That'll light their face. I mean, yeah, give them a stick and like a bucket of mud. They'll have a blast, right? Right. By the way. And then I'm like, is it me? Am I trying to like control too much because I'm a bit of a control person?

Yeah, I mean, you're the worst. You are the worst. I'm totally kidding. No, not at all. Okay okay let's call this out so when this airs it will be after christmas and so you're gonna be we're gonna be we're talking right now to a group to bajillions of people whose parents either underdid it or overdid it and or left in the the aftermath of that right um so before i I give you some of my thoughts on this, let me ask you one more question. Is there any part of you, and it's okay if I'm way off, that your parents outbuy you,

outpurchase you, and you feel less than? Is there any of that at play here or no? No, not from my parents. I would hate to say it on air for fear that they might actually hear, but I feel like for some of them, it's like, well, this makes up for the other, you know, 362 days a year that we don't see them. Ah, okay, cool. So they're buying your love or their grandkids love? It feels like it. Gotcha. Yeah. Have they ever said that or is that just your interpretation? No, that's just my interpretation.

Okay. So here's what I want you to do. And you say you're a control freak. You love being in control and the boss. Yes. Are you married? Yes. To who?

To my husband. Okay. Good answer. Do you just, did you beat him to, do you tell him what to do? Do you pick his clothes out? Oh, no. He asked me to and I refused. Okay, I'm trying to gauge the level of-

He would love it if I did that, but I'm like- I'm trying to gauge the level of control for you. Okay. No, no, no. Here's something you can control starting right this second. Okay? And some of it may be a stretch, and I don't know either of your families, and so just go with me on it, okay? Okay.

I want you to imagine a world that both sets of parents, aunts and uncles, whoever's buying gifts for your kids, for your three little ones, have the greatest hearts in the world. Not a single bad intention. They want their grandkids, their nieces and nephews to have the greatest Christmas ever. And what they remember about Christmas is a couple of things. They didn't have the money to buy you and your brothers and sisters what they wish they could have. And so they always had that little like just door knock in the back of their minds of shame. If they had worked a little bit harder, had a little bit different job, whatever. There may be that part of them that they don't get to

see them very often and they want to want them to remember granddad and they want to remember grandma. And so they buy a little bit more. There is some of that. Um, but at the end of the day, all of their buying, all of their purchasing is rooted in a desire to give their kids a magic Christmas. So will you, will you, can you live in that myth with me for a minute? Yeah. Okay. So there's a psychological, I don't know what to call it. It's called fundamental attribution error, right? And that is where you get into somebody else's head and decide why they're doing whatever it is they're doing. And that's not a decision that you get to make because you're not in their head, right? We do it a lot with our husbands and wives. Like, oh, you didn't do the dishes because you think I'm not pretty anymore.

And how do you feel if I, you know, right? And we just go down a rabbit hole and really they didn't do the dishes because they have diarrhea and they're trying not to go to the bathroom, right? So what I want you to do is to get out of their heads and just stay firmly in your head. Is that cool? Yes. Okay. So here's a great thing you can do. Give them alternative pathways for their love. So have you ever said, our kids are really looking for zoo passes or movie passes, or they want to go to the jungle gym park, or they want to, whatever the thing is, art classes. They've really been wanting to take

violin lessons this year and they want to have violin lessons for the year, or they want to play T-ball and it's expensive with three kids and T-ball. Would you be willing to pay? Do you see what I'm saying? Like some of those are high dollar things that you offer them pathways for this stuff the second one is to answer your original question no you have to set boundaries and there is no easy way non-hurting feeling ways to set boundaries because the key component of a boundary is it's what makes you comfortable and it's what makes you well and your family whole. And then other people get to decide how they respond to your boundaries, especially if you put them in place with treating people with respect. If you call people and like, you guys suck, you always buy too much stuff. Yeah, then

you're a moron. But if you call and you send an email and say, this year, this is what we're doing for Christmas. We're not buying any toys this year. Or me and dad are taking care of all toys this year. Here's what we're looking for. And you put it out there and they choose to throw a fit. That's their grownup fit to throw. And that's, then you just get to respond to their temper tantrum.

Does that make sense? Yeah. So go back to my suggestion number one. Have you tried that to have alternative paths for them? In the past, yes. Didn't work? They just said, yeah,

whatever, we're buying dolls? Well, yeah, because it's not like instantly gratifying for them. They don't get to see like that instant, you know, look on their eyes, on their face.

But I don't know. I think they just like them to open it and see it right there. Yeah. Have you told them you can buy all the toys you want? 98% of these are going to give away the day after Christmas, by the way. I told my mom that, and she got really upset, actually. And so what does really upset mean? Well, she was like, well, we just won't do it this year then.

Did you say great? That's so good. Right. Because like we're in baby step two. So I'm like, I'll just sell it. And, you know, it just instantly just offends people. And yes. So maybe don't say it. Why, why in all honesty, why don't you want them to buy your kids gifts? They buying too many of them or that you don't like what it's like, what's, what's the,

your main challenge with it? I think because our house is smaller and it, you know, when you have six sets of people who are buying and then you come home with a van load each time and it's very overwhelming, especially when you see them each day and they don't play with most of what they have. It's just kind of frustrating. Another thing you could try is to tell all of your your children after it's all so here's i learned this from my wife uh and i'm spitballing this you may say john you're dumb you should have another radio show because this is stupid um my wife the day after halloween the kids get to pick out like five or ten of the their favorite pieces and the rest go in the trash. And I wonder if the day after New Year's, they have a week of playing with toys.

You let your parents get it all out. You don't try to parent your parents. You don't get in their heads and try to figure out why and they're psychologically malfunctioning. They just buy a lot of presents. And then the day before New Year's, you'd let your kids know,

on New Year's Day, we're gonna take these clothes down. I mean, these clothes, these toys down to kids who didn't get any toys for Christmas. And we're gonna help them have a magic New Year. And so pick your three favorite ones and the rest of them, we're all gonna take down and donate them.

And then you have a hard conversation about choice and service, but it becomes a learning lesson. And then your kids get to give toys away. And then in maybe a day, they're sad about it. And then two days later, they won't remember any of that. Right. Is that a viable option? Yeah. Okay.

Okay. In my head, this is not something to go to war over, number one. But number two, I think your boundaries are your boundaries. And have you firmly emailed everybody and said, this year we're not doing gifts, or I'm asking you to please not buy gifts for our kids, but we'd like to do these things like that. I mean, have you had that conversation? Yes. And it didn't go well? Depending on which person.

Okay. Like it went over okay, you know, with some and not so. Oh, there's one set of parents just bought a bunch of cool stuff and all the other parents were just chumps. Like, dude, I thought we weren't buying gifts. So then there's the popularity contest. So one parent, dude, I just say let them go have a contest. I think you should open up this year's gifts and look at them and go, seriously, this is what y'all got?

Y'all just skimping on our kids? Here's a fun game. Who's the lamest grandparents? You all win. Congratulations. And dude, next year you'll have cars. They'll be backing up ATVs in your driveway. It'll be incredible. Oh, I hope so. Um, yeah, it'd be awesome. I look, I think you set your boundaries and be super clear about it. And if

they violate your boundaries, you got one of two options. You can say you're not welcome in my house. If you do this again, or we're not coming to your house this year if you buy a bunch of gifts like last time. And I would do that if your dad or Uncle Tom was an alcoholic and he was making the Christmas event not safe. I would do that if, I don't know, if there was some racist uncle that was saying a bunch of nonsense and I don't want my kids around that trash I don't want to be around that trash like whatever the thing is I get there's I'm not gonna be around that I don't know that I would pull that trigger on this one, but you're welcome to it's up to you And if you get a bunch of stuff, I love the idea of teaching kids

that they Are more fortunate than than other, or maybe not more fortunate, but they got a bunch more crap and they can choose the three or four things they're going to really love. And then they're going to give those away to help other people out. And you start to teach your kids a mindset of giving and a mindset of service. Um, yeah, this isn't one I'm going to war over, but I do love boundaries and I especially love parents who will love and support boundaries. This is after Christmas, and so it's probably too late, but if you've got kids and they set up a boundary, just listen. For God's sake, listen to your kids' boundaries.

You raised them. You should be proud of yourself. We'll be right back on the Dr. John Deloney Show. It seems like everybody's talking about how crazy the housing market is right now and how powerless homebuyers feel. Mix that with the stress of moving and life change and job change, and you've got a tornado of anxiety fueling one of the biggest purchases you'll ever make. This is not a good idea. So if you're a new home buyer right now, my advice to you is to focus on what you can

control, like the people you choose to help you in the home buying process. You need folks like my friends at Churchill Mortgage. Churchill is a Ramsey trusted provider that's been helping people with their home mortgages for decades. And their Home Buyer Edge program will help you skip a bunch of the stress. Here's how it works. Apply to become a Churchill-certified home buyer and cap your interest rate for 90 days. Then you'll get a $5,000 seller guarantee to help your offer stand out. So go ahead, take a deep breath because Churchill has your back. Check them out at churchillemortgage.com slash D'Loni and get the home buyer edge today. Oh man, we are back off air. James is awesome. On air, I don't know what happens, man. You're so great off air. Like the best.

The lights come on. Funruiner.net.com.org. Hey, by the way, James Childs does have a TikTok dance video channel. It's some of the best TikTok dances you'll ever see in your life and you for sure will have to seek psychological assistance after you watch it but the goal for everybody is to find the channel and i'm not going to tell you where it is but it exists oh my gosh it doesn't exist but if it did please make that would you do that i'll get right on that if we get get a million subscribers, listen, go to YouTube right now.

I don't know where you are, what you're doing in your life. Go to YouTube right now and subscribe to this show. If we get 100,000, James is going to create a TikTok dance channel. From a million to 100,000, that's not. Well, I'm trying to be realistic. My whole life is about the old bait and switch. Hey, before we take this last call listen to this on september 13th 2021 it was episode 162 we had a i mean a call that has stayed with me for a long time oh man um yeah this is a tough one if you remember back if you want to go back and check it out it

aired on september 13th 2021 um a mom called in and she had just lost her 14 year old 14 month old daughter to a drowning accident and she was pregnant And she was wrestling with how in the world am I going to bring a child into the world at the same time grieving that type of loss in that tragic of a loss. I mean, it was a mess. It was a tough call. And she wrote in, oh, it's so great. She wrote in and she says this, Clara becomes a big sister. Had a call with John a few months ago about my 14-month-old daughter's passing. Just wanted to update that Clara became a big sister Had a call with John a few months ago About my 14 month old daughter's passing Just wanted to update that Clara became a big sister On October 24th

To a little sister Cordelia Grace Cordelia has brought some healing to us During our growth As we continue to grieve Clara's passing I have a picture if you'd like to see it Thanks again for your help and advice As we navigate this new season of life. I'll say congratulations on a healthy new baby.

And thank you so much for writing this back. And we will continue to walk with you as you and your family heal and celebrate at the same time. Life's a mess and y'all are doing it together. And we're so honored to walk alongside you. So thanks for following up. And I think the original show date,

the original show had a, and we used a pseudonym on that show. And so I'm not going to read the name out here, but you can go back and listen to that show. Really remarkable, remarkable, strong woman. All right, let's take one more call. Let's go to Caroline in Philadelphia, where I was born and raised.

What's up, Caroline? Hi, how are you? Probably the best ever. I probably overstated that. I'm cool. How about you? I'm doing well, and I'm hoping you can help me. There is a small to quite small chance that I can help, but I will give it my best shot.

What's up? Okay. Well, here's my situation. I am fat, and I know it's not a knowledge problem. It's a behavior problem. And things have gotten way worse since the pandemic started. And so it's like a stress binge, and I need better food. Okay.

How long have you—so let me back up. You said, I'm fat with a period at the end of that sentence a declarative statement was that a hard thing to say out loud or is that a thing that brings you shame or did you have to work your way up to say that like walk me through that how do you see yourself um so i think originally there was a certain amount of, I didn't believe it was happening or there was excuses for it. Like what? And well, I guess before I would say things like I have this, I have an endocrine disorder, which makes it hard to lose weight, or I'd have excuses about I've got two kids and I'm busy.

And what I realized is that I think my first step is to be kind of radically accountable for it and then try and move on from there. Okay. So going back to radical accountability, What does that mean? Well, so right now I'm five foot two and I'm 244 pounds as of today. And in that- Has the doctor ever diagnosed you as morbidly obese? Yeah, or I'm right there. Yeah. Okay. Okay. Yeah. And how long have you wrestled with this? I mean, I'll say this. I've been, you know, I've kind of flirted with the 200 pound line for about 10 years where I was just under that. And then the pandemic happened. And then I crossed that line.

Okay. And I feel like mentally I realized that this is something that, and then I got COVID really bad and I had a friend die of COVID who was also had a weight problem. And I realized I really, really need to take this seriously. Yeah. There's some terrifying data with obesity and antibody.

It's there's some, yeah. There's some really remarkable research out there on the correlation between hard, COVID hitting people hard and obesity. So, hey, can I tell you this? I tell you, I'm really freaking proud of you for saying no more.

Like, I gotta take this serious. That's hard. Yeah. Like, no, I'm serious. That's a hard thing to do. Because you know, what most do statistically is they look to their left and their right and they go, ah, sucks to be them.

And they just keep plugging along. It is hard to have a never again moment. Most people never do it. Is this a story you were born into? Is this a story somebody started telling you back in the day? Are your parents big? And what I'm trying to do is work through,

is this a lifestyle thing? Is this a work thing? Is this an addiction? Is this a, I got a bunch of genetic work back a month ago with my doctor. I have a genetic, they call it the cookie jar gene. And he said, this is from my doctor. The guy's incredible.

I'm gonna have him on the show. He said, if you open a package of whatever, the chances that you can grit your teeth and willpower through it are very, very small at the genetic level. And so like my wife, I think I've talked about on the show, she's a serial killer because she can buy a bag of Oreos and just eat one and then eat one like a five or six

days later. And I also think she eats children. I don't know how any human can do that. If I open a bag of cookies, I will eat the entire thing that day because I love them. And so what he was telling me was your road through life will be avoidance. You will not willpower your way through this. So what I'm trying to get at with you is, is this narrative a part of your life? Did this happen after a trauma? Did this happen? Your parents were big. What's the roots here? So I wouldn't say my parents are big. They're not. I think what happened is, is I was a chubby kid. And then I became a thin teenager, a thin 20 something.

And then around 30, things just, I think what I realized is, you know, I can, maybe it's avoidance like you're talking about. I will meal prep on Sunday and have the perfectly portioned breakfast and lunch. And then around this time I get home from, you know, work, I pick up my kids from daycare, I'm making dinner for everybody. Like, and then all of a sudden I'll turn around and I won't even remember necessarily that I ate my dinner and maybe the rest of my kids dinner. And maybe there were two glasses of wine and I won't even be conscious of it. Yeah. And it's like, I'll be so regimented on so many things. And then it's like, it just kind of unravels usually when I have a lot to do and I'm stressed out.

So walk me through stress for you. What are you stressed from? Well, I'm a working mom and I have two kids who are daycare age. My son's five and my daughter's just almost two. And, you know, I'm in a dual income household and, you know, it's like we just work, you know, we work and the kids get sick and then you come home and you hit like second shift of everything. Yeah. And it's just, I won't even necessarily sit down when this happens. What keeps you up at night? Because I'm trying to get everything done. What keeps you up at night?

Like if you had to tell me two or three things that freak you out, what are they? Getting it all done, I guess. What keeps you up at night? Like if you had to tell me two or three things that freak you out, what are they? Um, getting it all done, I guess being behind, like I'm never feel like I'm caught up. Yeah. Never. You know,

it's like right now, even like I'm so excited for this phone call and all I can think about is the 20 things I have to do. Of course. After it, before bedtime. How's your marriage? It's just a season of life that's just very stressful.

And then add the pandemic and I feel like a lot of working moms, it all got thrown on us. It did. But Caroline, this isn't a season. This is a long time. This is years. Yeah. And This is a long time. This is years. Yeah. And this is a worthy, incredible woman who is trying to chase down value.

Like with all you have. To the point that at certain times of the day, your body disassociates itself from you, from reality, so that it can cope. And then it plugs back in. And when the lights come back on, we're just in a shame spiral and a exhaustion spiral. And we collapse. We do the whole thing over again the next day and the next day and the next day. Yeah. And so what manifests itself as,

Oh my gosh, I gained 50 pounds in two years. What the, what happened? That's a, that's a piece of a story that's been being told for a long time. Fair. Yeah.

How's your marriage? I mean, we're doing well, honestly. We had my second daughter, and then I felt like it just was so much more work. Like when it was one kid divided by two parents, we did okay. And then it was two kids, and then everybody was home, and we lost all our help. And I kind of realized how much that help I needed. Yeah.

Yeah. So there's a lot here and I, I'm, it's way outside my lane to talk about this level of obesity on, on like, that's just, that's beyond my expertise. 10,

10 lanes over. Okay. Have you partnered with a doctor before? Um, not, Not radically. Okay. Doctors have talked to me about it. Yes.

Weight watchers, no. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm broke. So here's where I want you to start. And as we get to, this show will air, we're doing this between Thanksgiving and Christmas, so for the listener, but this show will air around're we're doing this between thanksgiving and christmas so for the listener but the show will air around new year's where i want you to start with this is not on how do i quit snacking or overeating this is a much bigger conversation and i want it to start with an identity conversation. Who am I? And you started this call by saying, I'm fat.

I would tell you that's a physical characteristic. That's not an identity. And some would look at people who are overweight and say, they're lazy. That's an identity. Some would say that person's got a lot going on, both psychologically, spiritually, emotionally, physically, they got a lot. That person's exhausted. That person doesn't have resources that make whatever identities you want to put in there, but I'm fat. Isn't not an identity. Okay. What I've had to do in my life. And again,

I've never faced anything like what you're facing Okay, and so let's be honest you got a hard road to hoe because you're not just losing weight You are changing who you are from the inside out I had to when I made some pretty drastic changes I had to decide I am a guy Who will be a good steward of my one precious little body. And before that, I had to decide I'm a guy who is worth taking care of.

And then behaviors and choices and decisions all stemmed from those things. I am a guy who's worthy of my wife's love. I'm a guy who's going to roll around on the floor with my kids. I'm going to last longer than they can in a wrestling match. And that's the kind of guy I want to be. And so then I had to create a world. What did that mean for me? I had to get really serious with a medical doctor. I had to get really serious with my mental health. I'd get really serious with a workout regimen and a daily routine and all these other things. But I didn't start with those things. Most people go wrong as they say, I want to lose 100 pounds.

And you can lose 100 pounds, but you'll go with you. Hear what I'm saying? That same exhausted mom will just be you 100 pounds lighter and you'll have shifted to a fifth glass of wine or to somebody at work or to another Netflix. You're just going to keep passing that around. You get what I'm saying?

I'd love to see you value yourself so much that you would go get radical with the doctor. I would love to see you value yourself so much that you would go get radical with a doctor. I would love to see you value yourself so much that you go get radical with a workout

program with a personal trainer. Whatever that is. I don't even care what the program is. It could just be jumping. I don't care what it is. Anybody who tells you this is the one, idiots. Idiots. Whatever one you'll do. I don't care what it is. Anybody who tells you like, this is the one, idiots, idiots, whatever one you'll do, right? I don't care. I wish you would get so radical with your heart and your value and your worth on this planet and to your husband and to your kids and to your neighborhood and to your workplace that you would say, these things won't be in my home.

That's what we have to do in my house. When I'm out of town, my wife has like, they call them like gluten Tuesdays or whatever. I mean, they'll get pizza and stuff when I'm gone. Cause that's the only time I can survive in the home. And all my other kids and their little rational decision-making or whatever brains they got, I didn't get that. And so we just can't have it in the house and we all live with it and it's all good. It's cool. And we've just made peace with it and life's great. And if there is marshmallows in the house, I'm going to eat most of the bag. I just am. I'm going to just dominate it. It's cool. When we have people over, we send leftovers home with them just to get the right. But again, it's about a radical way of living and that's where you're at. But the radical living starts underneath a new identity.

So my question for you, Caroline, is are you worth being well? Yes. Do you believe that? 90%. Nope. Where's that other 10%? Who told you you're not worth being well somebody told you who I think it's just being like saying like mom comes after kids

no that is a modern myth of a lie of a nonsense of trash if you don't take care of you first, you've got nothing left for those kids. Yeah.

Right? And you're worth being well. So are those kids. Would you do me a huge favor? Yes. Would you be willing to walk with me for the next year and check in with us? Yeah, I'll do that. Because here's what's going to happen.

Either you're going to come on the air and say, I just screw it. And if you do that, I'll high five you. Okay? I'm not going to shame you. I'm not going to get on to you. to shame you. I'm not going to get onto you. That'll be as real as real can be. Or you're going to make some radical identity shifts and decide that you're worth it. Not just in spirit only,

but a full hundred percent. And you're going to make some radical behavior choices. You're gonna make some hard phone calls. You're going to tell your husband, you're going to tell some of your friends, you're going to say, this is the year that stops stops I'm getting it all back every bit of it

my zest for life, my laughter I'm not going to live my life exhausted I'm not going to live my life 150 pounds overweight I'm not going to, whatever those things are and then I'm going to go lean into the resources that are going to make that stuff happen. You can't do this one on your own, and you got to go see a medical doctor ASAP, okay?

You promise me that? I promise that. Okay. You're worth that. And I want you to be as vulnerable with them as you were with me. Okay. Do you promise? Yeah, I promise that.

Have you ever listened to this show before? All the time. Okay. You got to get some better podcasts in your feed, by the way. Have you ever listened to this show before? All the time. Okay. You got to get some better podcasts in your feed, by the way. I mean, for real, let's be honest. Okay. One thing about the show is I never lie to people, okay? Mm-hmm.

Do you trust me? I trust you. You're worth being well. Okay. Okay. That's cool, man. Let's go get some beers. Okay Okay, that's cool man Let's go get some beers I'm serious I'm just processing

I know you are So here's your homework tonight And then I want you to email it to me tomorrow Okay Okay, let's get some beers He's here just processing it um here's your homework i want you to write down five new identity statements okay okay and they're going to start with i am and they're not going to be physical characteristics they're going to be

they're going to be aspirational identities here's who I'm going to become in 2022. Okay. Five of them. Cool. That sounds good. Fair. I think that's fair. Promise. I can do it. I promise. Tomorrow. I 100% believe in you. 100% think this is the year. And anybody listening to this whose life went sideways the last 24 months, you're not crazy and you're not broken.

The world went sideways. It still is sideways. It's still spinning sideways. The choice is that our life is now. And then what? We all woke up today with, this is what we've got. This is what the choices we've made. This is the decisions we haven't made.

This is where we are. This is what's been done to us. This is the stories we were born into. These are the stories we were been told. And these are the stories I tell myself. I'm fat. I'm broke. I'm dumb.

I'm fill in the blank. I suck at. I cheated. I fill in the blank, whatever it is. Own that story. And then the world is waiting for you to answer the next one, which is now what? Now what are you going to do?

The whole world's waiting. What are you going to do next? Caroline, I'm rooting for you. We all are rooting for you. There's not a lot of people listening to the show. Let's be honest. There's 27, 28. Actually, I got the new numbers.

Dang, there's a lot of people listening to the show, James. It's a lot. It makes me uncomfortable. So I just say 17 because I have low self-esteem. Caroline, there's a lot of people listening to the show and we're all rooting for you. We're going to walk alongside you this year. We're going to check in with you every month or so.

And I look forward to having this phone call a year from now. Oh my gosh, what a different world it's going to be. All right, so as we wrap up today's show, Sarah, the editor of the Dr. John Deloney Show. She's literally the coolest person in this building. She chose today's song of the day, favorite song of all time. And it's a first on this show.

It's the Beatles. And the song is, here comes the sun. And it goes like this. Here comes the sun. Doo doo, like this. Here comes the sun. Doo-doo, doo-doo. Here comes the sun. And I say, it's all right.

Little darling, it's been a long, cold, lonely winter. Little darling, it feels like years since it's been here. Here comes the sun. Doo-doo, doo-doo. Here comes the sun. And I say, it's all right. Little darling, the smiles are turning to the faces. Little darling, it seems and I say it's all right. Little darling, the smiles are turning to the faces. Little darling, it seems like years since it's been here. And here comes the sun,

doo-doo, doo-doo. Here comes the sun and I say it's all right. Sun, sun, sun, here it comes. It is already pitch black outside of Nashville, Tennessee. Oh, we could all use a little more sun right here on the Dr. John Delaney Show.