The Dr. John Delony Show - I Need Boundaries w/ My Guilt-Tripping Mother-in-Law

Episode Date: May 18, 2022

In today’s show, we’re talking to a woman burdened by her mother-in-law’s guilt trips and a firefighter-in training wondering how to mentally prepare for the trauma of the job. And we have special guest Rachel Cruze joining us to discuss why people (like her) fall for conspiracy theories. https://peterattiamd.com/conspiracy-theory-theories-july-20-1969/ Lyrics of the Day: "Truth" - New Order Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show.  Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp DreamCloud Churchill Mortgage Resources: Own Your Past, Change Your Future Questions for Humans Conversation Cards Redefining Anxiety Quick Read John’s Free Guided Meditation Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. Okay, let me say this. I love conspiracy theories, okay? Yes. I'm not like, I haven't written books. Like, I'm not all, like, what's in my head. And the reason she doesn't write them down? Because then they'll know.

That's why. We all have that friend. My friend happens to be Rachel Cruz. What's up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. So glad you're with us. It's a great, great day. Listen, we did it. We did it. Number one book in the nation. Adult nonfiction. We crushed it. Number one, dude. I've never been number one at anything. I've been number one on being

late, and I've been number one on being annoying. Like, that guy's the most annoying guy in the room. I've been number one. Never been number one. This is awesome. Listen, James and Kelly, and the whole gang, everybody in the club back there, thank y'all. Congratulations. None of this happens without you guys. It's so good. Appreciate it. Very, very in the club back there, thank you all. Congratulations. None of this happens without you guys.

It's so good. Appreciate it. Very, very proud of you. It was fun. Congrats. Way to go. High five. And then the bigger accomplishment, drum roll please, is Kelly.

This is your 10-year anniversary. Yes. Not with your husband. That's been a little longer. But yes, been with the company 10 years now. How did you do that? I've never worked somewhere 10 years without stopping. I don't, because I love what I do.

Oh, gosh. No one's going to hear your answer, except for the listeners. There's only like 36 of them. Hey, we did some book tours. There's more than 17 now. We've at least doubled that. It's huge. I think the number of people that told me they're one of the 17 was like 36 were in, but let's like, seriously, how'd you make it 10 years? I don't know. I mean, I've worked a lot of places and I know how good I have it here, so.

You just keep taking it? And believe it or not, I even like doing this show. Yes. Yes. Unlike James, who's, ugh. Every day he just has his head down on his computer. This is what gaslighting sounds like. That's probably fair. That means you've been listening to the show too much, James. All right, let's go to Amanda in Buffalo, New York. What's up, Amanda? Hi, good morning. How are you, Dr. John? Fantastic. How are you? I'm all right. I'm all right.

Is it cold in Buffalo? Yes, we're very much ready for some nice summer weather. Well, good. I'm waving my weather wand and I hope you get it. Awesome. Thank you. Thank you. So I have a question today with dealing with a mother-in-law. We basically, my husband and I, we just don't know how to set boundaries when it comes to helping her understand her comfort level with coming out for visits, as well as dealing with other things that she often kind of throws at us in conversation over the phone. Okay, tell me some.

So anytime we call her, it's typically we get the, oh, you guys never call me. And yet those calls are always the ones that we sent out. It's never, it's always a one-way street. Also, she always complains that we don't come out enough for visits. And then when we say, well, why don't you come out? You know, we have four kids. We're kind of busy. We've got a lot going on. We'd love for you to come out and visit. She has, you know, all her children are grown. So it's just her and her husband. And, um, she just makes excuses. And when she does come out,

she always picks a fight mainly with me and then complains to my husband about it. And when we go out to her house, her one son, my husband's half-brother, lives there as well. And it's just, there's smoking in the home, there's excessive drinking, and there's constant vulgar talking, lots of vulgar, not even just swear words, just very

vulgar in front of our young children. And we just don't feel comfortable with it anymore. We don't know how to address it. Sounds like working with Kelly and James on your last one. Lots of smoking and drinking and just vulgarness. So it seems here on this side of the phone, it seems like a really simple next few steps. What's the hang up? What are you hanging on to? Is your husband unable to have hard conversations? Is it you? What are the challenges? Yeah, he definitely struggles. He didn't really grow up with her. So I don't know if that's kind of a hiccup, but anytime I bring it up, like, why don't you just say something? It's like, no, I don't really want to say anything. And when we go out there, it's like, it's not our house. So it's not our place to

critique or judge. And we don't try to, but at the same token, we have to protect our family. We're just not quite sure how to make those boundaries known or most more. So I guess, giving my husband the aid he needs to make those boundaries. Okay. So what your husband needs to make those boundaries is a backbone. He needs to look at his wife. And y'all have little ones? Yeah, we have four. The oldest is 13 and the youngest is three. being safe and being protected and not having your minds melted and not being around dysfunction. And he needs to look at his wife and say, I love you enough to protect,

not protect in like a braveheart kind of way or like a gladiator, but protect like you don't need to put up with that crap. You don't need to put up with someone calling you once a month or you calling them just to you're doing your duty to be kind. And the whole conversation is where you're lacking and where you're failing or you're not enough. He needs to get in between you and his mother.

And so far he hasn't. So two things moving forward. Have you sat down with him and said, I need you to have this conversation? Or is it just this wishy-washy? Okay. We have. And it's just, it's mostly, I don't want to, you know, I don't want to basically ruffle her feathers. Not with those words, but more or less, I guess he just doesn't, I guess he needs the, I don't know exactly, but he needs the help.

And so, and I don't know what that means or what that looks like. It may look like you have in the conversation too. Okay. And it may be, hey, here's what is going to happen for the holidays. And when you start setting up boundaries, expect people to run as hard as they can, like a battering ram into them to see if they hold. Here's the deal.

We're not coming over to your house if they're smoking and drinking at the house. The thing about judgment, I judge my friends all the time. I love them too. And so I think judgment has got a bad rap. I'll tell my friends, that's the stupidest thing.

Why did you do that? You're an idiot. And they do the same to me. I've given them permission to judge me, right? And I have to judge situations all the time for my kids and say, is this a safe one? Is this a nursing environment? Is this a wise choice to send you to X, Y, or Z? So I'm always judging things.

So I think it's fair to look at a group of people who continue to smoke and drink and be super vulgar around your young children and say, I'm not putting my kids in that environment. Okay. I still love you. I'm glad that you're human beings and I respect you and great and partridge in the pear tree, but I'm not going to put my kids there. And when they come back with, oh, because you think you're better than us. No, I just don't want my kids around that. And here's the thing.

If they want to be around your kids, then they get to choose to quit smoking or drinking and be vulgar around your kids. It's that simple. And the switch for your family needs to be this. Mom is choosing to not be in a relationship with us. And that hurts.

And that stinks. Right now, if your husband has spent some time estranged from his mom, he's trying to prop up a fantasy that somehow the disconnection was his fault last time and he wants to make sure it's not his fault this time.

And the reality is he's got a crummy mom. A very unplugged, unengaged, I don't want to say crummy, that's not cool. A unplugged, disengaged, struggling with her own set of struggles mother. Okay. Does that sound fair? Yeah, absolutely.

Absolutely. She left when he was a young boy. And there's been a young boy inside of him wondering what he did wrong for a long time and I got her back and he's not about to be the person who puts the gap in that relationship even if it hurts his kids

and even if it causes separation with his wife. That makes sense. It is hard and it's the next right move. Or just quit calling. I mean, just stop calling. Okay. Well, we've done that

where we've gone some time without talking and then she calls him. What did I do wrong? What did I make you mad? And it's just that, you know, that shaming and that guilt.

Yeah. Like, what? And it's just that, you know, that shaming and that guilt. Yeah. Like, what? And then he could say, no. Like, you know what I mean? Like, I'm not going to give that type of, my friend Dave would say that sometimes parents can be a travel agent for guilt trips.

Like, I'm not going to carry that brick for you. Oh, and now I suck as your kid or now I'm a bad, like, no, I'm not going to carry that for you. You can hand it to me. I'm not going to hold it. That's yours to carry if you want to carry that around. If she's

somebody who can hear, then he's like, yeah, man, phones work both ways. Highways do too. And by the way, when you're in our house, there is no smoking inside. There's no smoking outside if you don't want it. You guys may have to put the alcohol away. Even if you have wine and good bourbon up in the cabinet, when your mother-in-law and her

husband are in town, you put the alcohol away because you're going to live by example. And if somebody says something in front of your kid, and I've done this with family members, when they're telling a joke or saying something, I've stopped them and said, no, stop. Not in this house and especially not in front of my children. And it's been uncomfortable and it stopped. And then they got a choice to make. Do I want to be in relationship with a guy who doesn't want me saying those types of jokes around his kids? Does that make sense? And I know I'm making it sound very light and it's taken me a decade to get where I'm at now. So it's not easy. But it's really, really important. And here's some small potatoes.

My parents have a small house where they live. They live in kind of a patio home. And so when we go, we get a hotel. And it's better for all of us. We all get sleep. They all get sleep. And sometimes my kids will spend the night in their guest room. But it's just better for everybody.

And then they have their evenings. And then we've got it. So it works for our family. And they were, it wasn't weird when we said, hey, this is how we're going to do this. And they were great about it. And so sometimes it takes that mutual maturity on both sides. But, hey, here's going to be the best thing for our family. We're not gonna get there until midnight. So we're gonna go to a hotel and we're gonna stay here and it's got a pool here so we can burn off some energy. And so it just works for our family. You know what I'm saying? So we've just set up some boundaries along the way.

And I'm just grateful that my parents and my in-laws are great at having those conversations. But at the end of the day, your husband has to say, my kids and my wife are worth more than the fantasy of me trying to prop up a mother who abandoned me once. And I'm worried is going to abandon me again. And that's hard. No question about it. Hard. I'd love to see y'all get together and plan. Hey, what do we want the holidays to look like? What do we want our lives to look like? And then we're going to backfill that with the relationships that we have and those that we're going to have to marginalize. And if somebody is not respecting your vulgarity wishes, your drugs and alcohol and whatever world you all have constructed for yourselves, then it's up to you to put up boundaries and say,

that relationship is not going to be a part of our life anymore. And that's hard. And I'll say it again. And that's really hard. And there's freedom on the other side of that conversation, though. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. October is the season for wearing costumes.

And if you haven't started planning your costume, seriously, get on it. I'm pretty sure I'm going to go as Brad Pitt because we have the same upper body, but whatever. Look, it's costume season. And if we're being honest, a lot of us hide our true selves behind masks and costumes more often than we want to. We do this at work. We do this in social settings. We do this around our own families. We even do this with ourselves. I have been there multiple times in my life and it's the worst. If you feel like you're stuck hiding your true self behind costumes and masks, I want you to consider talking with a

therapist. Therapy is a place where you can learn to accept all the parts of yourself, where you can be honest with yourself and where you can take off the mask and the costumes and learn to live an honest, authentic life. Costumes and masks should be for Halloween parties, not for our emotions and our true selves. If you're considering therapy, I want you to call my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy. You can talk with your therapist anywhere

so it's convenient for just about any schedule. You just get online and you fill out a short survey and you'll be matched with a licensed therapist and you can switch therapists at any time for no additional cost. Take off the costumes and take off the masks with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Deloney. All right, we are back. Let's go to Dylan in Virginia. What's up, brother Dylan?

Nothing much. What's going on, John? How's your day going? Rocking on. Dudes, it is stunning. Beautiful outside here in Nashville today. So I'm doing great, man. How about you?

It's a little warm. I like the colder weather a little better, but I ain't complaining. Very cool, man. So what's up, brother? How can I help? So I am enrolled in becoming a full-time firefighter, and the whole process is going to be coming to a close here pretty soon, and I'll be on time. I'll be full-time on staff. Congrats, man.

Yeah. So I'm very excited about it, but obviously it's something that's totally different than anything I've ever done before. Yeah. And I want to get ahead of the curb and just knowing that there's going to be some hard things, some traumatic things that will be going on. I want to be sure I have tools going into that,

that can help me prepare for that. So when I do come in contact with, I know how to handle it a little better. So like even things just, so I can keep a good relationship with my wife, uh, make sure that, uh, our marriage stays strong and that communication is good through, uh, the hard times. I don't shut down or anything like that. So that's awesome, man. So what, what,

what about the time in the Academy has made you think, I'm probably going to need some tools. That's awesome, man. So what about the time in the academy has made you think, I'm probably going to need some tools? It's more so just from hearing. I've got a couple buddies who are firefighters and a couple that are EMTs. And just hearing them talk about how there's going to be some times where you might come up on a scene where there's uh death or um things of that nature i don't i've never run into that before so i don't know how i'm going to react to it gotcha um so i just i more so just want to kind of prepare myself with like either some tips or tools so i i know

that i will handle that properly when the time comes. Awesome, man. Well, dude, I wish every single fireman, police officer, every first responder would have your mindset going into this thing. I mean, it just puts you miles ahead of your compadres. That's incredible, and I'm proud of you. And do you have little ones, too? Me and my wife are trying, and hopefully in the future. It's going to be a little crazy if it

happens right at the time of, like, because I haven't started the academy yet. It's a couple months away. But just the government process and things like that. You mean the government isn't completely smooth and efficient in Virginia? That's strange. Okay, well,

so, on behalf of the little ones that are to come and your marriage, good for you, man. Good for you. Alright, I'm going to throw a bunch at you here, okay? I got my notepad ready. Oh, like a firefighter. Way to go. And I also want, stop me if you

have any further, like like digging to just you cut me off okay because i can talk a lot and talk too fast um okay so the first one here and i i brought some notes um kelly let me know this call was coming so i brought some notes here just to make sure i want to make sure i honored you and your profession and your colleagues across the country who are listening to this in the right way or somebody who happens to be married to a firefighter or to a police officer, to a veteran who's coming home or just about to leave, or to a nurse or to a surgeon or any of those folks who do this hard stuff for a living. So the first thing is you're already there mostly, okay? The first one is to understand discomfort and challenge and seeing

hard things is part of this job. A lot of times we enter into hard seasons and we expect it to be perfect or maybe not me or it shouldn't be this way. And a cornerstone of being a firefighter and slash EMS is you are called when the worst of the worst is happening, right? When there's been the multi-car pileup, when the person has passed out in the street and is or been hit by a motorcycle or has their house. I've sat in people's front yards and watched their house burn with them. And the firefighters are all around,

like that's that job, right? And so this may be a terrible way to live, but I expect people to be dishonest on occasion, to exaggerate things. I expect people to steal on occasions. Not everybody, but I expect that to happen sometimes. And my life doesn't end when it happens. I'm disappointed. I'm frustrated. I get angry, but my life doesn't end. And so hear me say this, okay? Expect to do CPR on somebody someday that

won't make it. And expect to do, like you'll roll out on a call and y'all will get there just a few minutes too late. And expect to respond to bur burn down homes and businesses. That is the job. The perfect endings are not the job. Showing up in people's worst mess is the job. And so we're creating an identity here. The identity is not that we're going to make things perfect. I'm the kind of guy who shows up in the worst of the worst. And when you frame it that way, you give your body an opportunity to live into that identity versus I'm someone who tries to solve everybody's problems or solve everyone's messes.

That's a recipe for disaster. I'm a guy who shows up when things are a mess. Period, full stop, okay? Number two, when you get calls, and you'll get the call out codes, right? That say, hey, this is EMS call. This is a car wreck. This is with the potential fire. This is a fire with potential victims. This is a multi-unit fire, right? You'll get your call outs, go all in. Where I see people get tripped up is when they get to a scene and they're timid,

or they think they can avoid something. I had a partner, she was a riot, dude. She was one of the funniest, awesome, greatest professionals ever. But she was like, I don't do dead bodies. And I used to be like, that's kind of what we do. Like we do that. And she's like, I know, I don't do that part. And she was like, she's still one of my closest friends. I love her. But she, um, that was always like part of the, of course she would eventually do it, but know that it don't tiptoe, be active when you show up, go all in and begin to prime yourself to go all in. And we often hedge like, uh, I'm going to, there's somebody who's passed away in that room over there. I'm going to kind of walk by and kind of do perfect, just go in and be a part of the solution to that challenge.

Okay, is that, you hear what I'm saying? Yeah. All right. Now, here's where things are going to get grindy. Okay. This is going to go against all popular wisdom. And this is something that I absolutely kick myself on a somewhat regular basis for not having done. Keep a journal or a record that is private and give people names.

I wish I had done this and I hadn't. The conventional wisdom as a crisis responder is to refer to victims of their homes by the call numbers, by their addresses, by their tag numbers. Give people names and write them down. And if you're a person of faith, write a quick prayer for that person and their family. If you're not a person of faith, write a quick prayer for that person and their family. If you're not a person of faith, write a quick well-meaning wish to that person, to their family, whenever possible, use their name. So to quote Van Der Kolk, your body is keeping a score of all of

these challenging situations you run up on, whether you want to believe it or not. And what secondary traumatic stress ultimately is, what burnout ultimately is, is when your body says, I can't keep carrying all of this. It's unprocessed. It's raw brick. And if you sit down and say, tonight off shift,

I went to two car wrecks. One had a young child who passed away. One had a mother who broke her leg. One had an older gentleman who was just shaken up really badly. And I'm going to give those kids a name. I'm going to write them down in my journal and just say, young boy, we're going to miss you. We love you. And I did the best that I possibly could for you. And I want you to lean in that level. And it's going to feel heavy at first, but your body will process the trauma there.

Okay, hear what I'm saying? Yes. And this will get cumbersome. The next one, number four, you got to have a gang. You got to have a band of brothers. The body processes trauma and secondary traumatic stress with and through other people. And here's the challenge for firefighters.

Your band has to include firefighters in it. That's your gang. And it has to involve people who are not firefighters at all, who have nothing to do with that profession. Okay? Yeah. I'd also recommend getting some sort of, at least initially, some sort of counselor you can check in with that will be confidential.

Unless you feel real safe with your unit and your captain that is not affiliated in any way with the firehouse, just somebody in your community. Here's what we're looking for. Someone you can be 100% honest with. Last night I was super scared. I saw a young child who had been burned and I can't sleep. You need to be able to say, yeah, go ahead.

Would that, would, what would, would it be a benefit to have that person? You'd be a hundred percent honest with your spouse or that be, would they be reserved for another type of support? So my next bullet point here on my notes is your wife is not a trash bin. Okay. So I've shown up to scenes that I will never tell my wife about. Okay.

She doesn't need that in her head. I don't need that in my head and it's there. I have been talking about scenes before And just hanging out with some guys That were like Have goatees and drink whiskey straight And go hunting Just like dudes who

Are very Like Stereotypical And I just said hey hey, one time, and I told him about part of a scene. And dude, I melted the room. And that's when I realized, oh, I'm part of a small group of people who does this.

Does that make sense? Yeah. And so what I did develop with my wife is a language, which is I saw some really hard stuff last night and it's haunting me right now. And I'm going to need a minute. And then I'm going to need a minute became, I need to go to the gym. I need to go hang out with my friends. I need to go for a run or a walk. I developed some activity-based behaviors on the back end of that minute, but I didn't come home and say,

hey, honey, guess what I saw last night? I just didn't do that, man. It wasn't fair to her. I feel so it would be kind of you would, I assume that it would be your house and your spouse is kind of a safe space and kind of a happy place. If you were to bring that stuff in, you would be almost tainting the atmosphere a little bit,

like your escape from it all. Well, it's less than – In a sense, maybe. No, think of it this way. Think of it as – you've probably heard me say the bricks in the backpack. Think about it like you're going to a scene and what a firefighter does is it runs in and helps carry people's bricks. And if you walk home and just toss that to your wife over breakfast, she can't carry that. She doesn't have the training.

She doesn't have the group of people in her life to carry that stuff. You know what I mean? It's a lot. And she will concoct a mixture of horror movies she's seen, Sons of Anarchy episodes she saw, and then what you just told. So it won't even be real. It'll be a myth and it will be a mess. And so sometimes some spouses want to hear that kind of stuff. Some don't. Mine does not. Mine does not. And the challenge that most find is either they use their

spouse as a trash bin, they come home and just dump it all out, or they say nothing to anybody. And neither of those options is wise. What my home is a safe place for me. Here's a good example. This is just a personal thing that happened the other day. I have a weird thing about traveling more than 24 hour drive from my kids. It's a strange thing. And we were planning our 20th anniversary this summer. Where are we going to go? And we could go here. We could go there.

We could go there. So we're trying to work on childcare. And my wife was, she's kind of making fun of me because she's like, oh, I guess we can't go there because it's just too far. And finally I said, hey, I've never told you this. Here's why. The number of times I had to call parents

and say your son or daughter probably is not going to make the night. You need to get on a plane right now. I made that call parents and say, your son or daughter probably is not going to make the night. You need to get on a plane right now. I made that call too much. And she looked at me and was like, we've been married for 20 years. Why are you just now telling me that? And I was like, I don't know. But I always just kept it to myself. Hey, what if instead of going to Seattle, what if we just went to North Carolina? What if we just vacationed in Texas where we live? It's cool. Let's just stay here.

I should have said my fears out loud and I didn't. And so for 10 years, 15 years, my wife has been thinking a certain thing about me that was wrong, but it's my own fault. I didn't speak it. I didn't say it out loud. Now, I didn't tell her about all of the weeping and the crying and the moms who showed up late. And I didn't bring her into that.

But I did tell her, hey, this is a thing I wrestle with. And I'm going to have to get over it too because I want to go to London and I want to go to Mexico. I want to do some cool stuff. And so I'm going to have to get over my hangups too. But that was the truth. My body's keeping tabs on that stuff. Does that make sense? Yeah.

All right. So here is, I got two more for you. Number five, watch out for shifting bell curves. A hundred percent of your professional day will be spent dealing with other people's issues and incidents that never happened to anybody. We all know somebody who knows somebody whose kid got in a car wreck and died. We all know somebody who knows somebody whose house burned down. We know somebody who knows somebody who, right? And some of us have firsthand knowledge. Most of us, most of the time will go through our lives and that will never happen to us.

A hundred percent of your day is dealing with people's houses on fire or in car wrecks or in cardiac arrest in a grocery store. And so what happens in real short order is you begin to see the world through that professional prism that every situation is a potential fire. Every situation is a potential car wreck. Every grocery store, someone might drop dead. And the tendency is to retreat out of your life. And the greatest thing you can do is to be around other people who do not share your profession. Make sure you are fishing.

Make sure you are going outside and playing catch. You have a softball league. Make sure you are working on cars. Whatever it is that you're a golfer. Don't be a golfer, dude. Don't be a golfer. But find things that ground you with other people. And what I would say is a healthy dose of reality.

Because you're going to get the gnarly dose of reality. Most of us walk through life not believing that one little spark can burn our whole house down. We should probably be shaken out of that stupor because we act dumb. Or the way I drive, like, dude, you're going to get yourself killed, right? I need to drive better. On the other side, fatal accidents, why common, are very rare, right? And your bell curve will shift. You hear what I'm saying?

Yeah. In the academy, you'll probably have some sessions on how not to bring this home. Pay close attention to those sessions. Because what you don't want to do is to become a panic monger for your young children or for your wife. All right, here's the last one. Your feelings are your feelings. Feel them. Period. Okay? Here's what I mean. Your feelings are your feelings. Feel them, period.

Okay, here's what I mean. I had times when I walked in on a scene and there were guts everywhere. It was a mess. And I wasn't grossed out. And on the way home, I thought, well, that's weird. I would have thought I would have been grossed out by what I just saw because it was insane. And then one day I walked into a scene and we were sitting with a mother who had four or five young children and her husband had taken his life in the bedroom of

one of the kids. And she went in to wake the kid up and found that scene and had to get husband down and out of the room before the toddler woke up. And I walked into that room to be with mom when she told her kids that daddy had died. And there was several social workers in the room, me and my partner in the room. I think there was even one. We took three of us that time because there were so many young kids. And it was the first time I ever walked out of a room. She started telling the kids and the oldest kid took off. Let me start crying. The youngest kid just started banging stuff. And I looked at my partner and said, I got to go. And she said, you can't go. And I said, I can't be in this room. I had a baby girl, I had a toddler.

And my body said, get out of this room in a way that it had never done it before. And it really hasn't since. And so why do I tell you that? Your body is gonna do things that other guys' bodies aren't gonna do. Now, when you're a fireman, you can't leave. You're there, right?

You leave when the scene's over. And we had multiple people there. so I was able to step out. And I waited until the whole thing was done, blah, blah, blah, blah. But here's what I'm telling you. Some guys in your unit are going to show up on a scene. They're going to be like, dude, that was crazy. That was awesome. And you're going to vomit all over the place. And that's okay. In some situations, you're going to leave and you're not scared at all. It wasn't even weird. And that's okay too, because you're going to think you're nuts. All I have to say is your feelings are your feelings. Own them. They're yours. Write them down and say, whew, I felt scared last night. I felt alive last night. I made jokes at a scene that

was kind of weird and kind of freaked myself out. That's part of the gig. Okay. Is that fair? Yeah. Don't get into a feeling comparison game with the people around you. You are you and you're uniquely made. Okay. It's how you're going to deal with those feelings, how I'm going to be whole, how I'm going to deal with health and taking care of myself on the back end. Cool. Yeah. So that was actually something that, uh, yeah, go ahead. I'm sorry. That was actually something that, uh, I had thought about is because I can only think through it mentally of like what, of what it like all this would be. And when I think about it, like it, it doesn't really bother me to the fore of like,

it freaks me out or anything like that. And it kind of was an odd feeling like, should I feel like I'm freaking out? Like, should this bother me? Like the thought of it. But that last one definitely made sense to me on that. It will get you at different times and different seasons. The only other time I ever walked out was when another tragedy happened

to a really young child and I had a really young child. Now I can walk into those situations with no problem. I mean, they're still awful and brutal and all that, but I can take care of business in those situations now. If I walked up on a scene with a 12-year-old little boy, I'd really struggle with that.

Because my body is highly tuned to the safety of a young 12-year- old little boy, I'd really struggle with that. Yeah. Right. Cause my body is highly tuned to the safety of a young 12 year old little boy. So be gracious with yourself in that process and know when I've got to step out and that will, that should, I mean, that's why you train so that you don't ever step out and you train and you train and you train and you train so that when you bought your body goes, Whoa, you become become, it goes into automated mode, right? I gotta follow my safety protocol. I gotta get in that house. Here's how we're gonna put the fire out.

Here's how we're gonna get the people out. You train so much so that it becomes automated so that you're not subject to your feelings. It's more when you're driving home or those quiet nights when you're at home, your wife's asleep and you're in the shower and that hot water's running down your neck and you say to yourself inside your own mind,

I can't believe I saw what I just saw or I can't believe I just pulled somebody out of that car or I can't believe fill in the blank. Feel those, feel those, feel those and then make sure you got people to talk about it with. I am so grateful for your service, my brother. We need more people like you out there. Thank you, Thank you for loving your community. We'll be right back. It seems like everybody's talking about how crazy the housing market is right now and how

powerless homebuyers feel. Mix that with the stress of moving and life change and job change, and you've got a tornado of anxiety fueling one of the biggest purchases you'll ever make. This is not a good idea. So if you're a new home buyer right now, my advice to you is to focus on what you can control, like the people you choose to help you in the home buying process. You need folks like my friends at Churchill Mortgage.

Churchill is a Ramsey-trusted provider that's been helping people with their home mortgages for decades. And their Home Buyer Edge program will help you skip a bunch of the stress. Here's how it works. Apply to become a Churchill-certified home buyer and cap your interest rate for 90 days.

Then you'll get a $5,000 seller guarantee to help your offer stand out. So go ahead, take a deep breath because Churchill has your back. Check them out at churchillmortgage.com slash Diloni and get the home buyer edge today. All right, hey, what's up? We're back and it's time.

I don't know why I'm yelling. This is kind of a low key chill show, but we're back and it is time for everybody's favorite segment. Facts are your friends. Now listen, I stumbled on this article back in 2019 and it came back up again recently and it's by the great Peter Atiyah. Peteratiyahmd.com. I'll link to it in the show notes. And he sends out a weekly newsletter after, sign up for his newsletter before mine. But get on his, he's just wise. But he wrote about conspiracy theories and he wrote an article on conspiracy theory theories. And if you've been in America the last, I don't know, a couple of years, there's been a wide range of conspiracy theories everywhere. So here's a couple of things he notes as why he thinks there's so many conspiracy theories that

have emerged. Number one, truth is hard to accept. The idea that a sad and lonely sick man could climb up in the library window and shoot a sitting president with all of the might of the U.S. government around and alter geopolitics, that our country is that fragile, or that 19 guys just got in a couple of airplanes and crashed them, and that's all it took to rattle this country to its core. He writes, it's better to have a compelling and elaborate story. We tend to believe that extraordinary events deserve extraordinary stories.

We're not okay with things being that simple. The second thing is, there's a history of genuine conspiracies, right? They've been real, like Watergate, et cetera. And here's what, he has an evolutionary purpose. He says, we're hardwired for survival purposes. A splash in the water or movement in the brush could be a rock in the wind, but better to assume a saber-toothed cat and a venomous snake.

It's far more likely to be nothing, but on the off chance we're wrong, we need vigilance to stay alive. And there's been some conspiracy theories, a few. The third one, we're significance junkies. We just want to make sense out of a confusing world, and we're willing to go along with just so stories if it helps our brains attach meaning to them. Now, I am somebody who is a big fan of, I don't know, data, rational thinking, logic, things like that. That's just like a fun thing for me.

We all have that one friend, logic, things like that. It's just like a fun thing for me. We all have that one friend, though, that would prefer to listen to the man with 17 YouTube followers out of the trunk of his car with a mobile microphone going, talking into like a Fisher-Price radio set. Guess what, everybody? I figured it out. Listen to this.

We all have that friend. My friend happens to be Rachel Cruz. So in studio, I've got my good friend, Rachel Cruz, and we're going to do this. How? John. This is the greatest set I've ever heard. Oh, my gosh.

Because you don't account for actual humans being greedy and evil in the midst of all of this. Here we go. Just listen to her during my talking about Dr. Atiyah's theories, I could feel it on you. I was like, Peter Schmider. I don't know who this man is. I don't know who this man is. I'm just kidding.

He's the smartest man on planet Earth. He's very smart. I know. All right. So let's rattle through some of these. Okay. Okay. And I'm not...

Okay, let me say this. I love conspiracy theories. Okay? Yes. I'm not like... I haven't written books. I'm not all... What's in my head, I will translate to you and I will tell you. I know not like, I haven't written books. Like I'm not all, like what's in my head,

I will translate to you and I will tell you. I know, but if it comes out of your head, then they'll know. If you get, like you can't like pop quiz me on like very, very specifics

of each one. Oh, these are all broad. I'm not, okay. These are all broad. Let's go broad. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. These are all broad. Yeah.

And the reason she doesn't write them down, because then they'll know. That's why. She just keeps it all in my head. I get certain apps on my phone because I'm like, certain countries own certain things. If she writes them down, they get outside the tinfoil.

Everywhere. Alright, number one. JFK. Oh, yeah. Total inside job. Total inside job? For sure. Have you been to the textbook? To Dallas, yes. And have you stood in that window? You're a gun guy, John.

Like, you appreciate— I've never stood in the window. That's part of the tour. You go by the window where he shot. You have to be a phenomenal sniper to be able to do that. Three shots in seven seconds in a gun that probably can't— it just, like, mechanically would be very difficult for that probably can't look. It just like mechanically would be very difficult for that to happen.

And to actually aim at a target like that. I mean, it looks nearly impossible. And then you don't even take into account CIA, the mob, Lyndon B. Johnson. Lyndon B. Johnson. We're on to you, Lyndon.

We're on to you, Lyndon. I don't know. Grassy Knoll. So I do Lyndon B. Johnson. I mean, all these things that come in. We're on to you, Lyndon. I don't know. Grassy Knoll. So I do believe there are multiple shooters. I do think Lee Harvey Walswold obviously had involvement. Okay.

But I just think stuff was happening. I just think there was stuff happening. Vietnam. I mean, there was a lot. The CIA wanted to go and assassinate Fidel Castro.

Okay. That's actually documented. Okay. There are actual documents on that. It's on the internet. There's probably like four different reasons why people would want him dead. Okay.

Versus some crazy guy that's like, I'm the best shooter in history and I have a magical gun that can reload even though that doesn't exist in the 60s and shoot three times. No. The grassy knoll. There was another.

Yes. Other things were happening. Moon landing. We're just like, we're not going to times. No, the grassy knoll. There was another, yes. Other, yes. Other things were happening. Moon landing. We're just like, we're not going to debate. Oh, wow. A moon landing.

I don't know if you're going to judge me. If it didn't happen, I wouldn't be shocked. Oh, why? Yeah. Height of the Cold War, the Soviet Union, when you look at all of the facts

going against, it's like, we had to beat it. $30 billion was put into NASA that year. $30 billion to do that. So if they didn't land on the moon, there would be like this uprise, like this idea of like, NASA, what do you do?

Or they funneled money into the secret alien operations. Questioning, question, questioning. And you look, and they had the technology, they did have the film technology to pull it off. Yes. In what, 1963, right? No, no, no, that was JFK. I don't remember the exact date, yeah, yeah.

69, thank you. What about the pictures, like, do you think there's actual probes on Mars right now? No, I'm not talking about current. Okay, you think we're there now? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, but that actual specific, yeah, it was just, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then you look at the pictures, though, and it is odd.

There's no stars. Like, there are a couple things. I'm like, they just missed details. So that's my thought, like, with that one. I think, okay, they got a group of Hollywood producers in there to do this. Like, well, guys, we had to nail this. We have to trick Earth. We have to trick the planet.

And of the people in the room, they were like, son of a, forgot the stars! Like, really? I just think the politics of the day. We had to do it. We had to beat the Soviet Union. I mean, there were things, and Kennedy, I mean, he went on a whole thing, right, about, yeah, all of it. And I just think that America...

He rallied us around something we could do together. Buzz, he's like punch people, I think. Like, in real life. Oh, they called do together. Now, Buzz, he's like punch people, I think, like in real life. Oh, they call them out? Yeah. Oh, yeah. So I don't want to be punched.

Hey, listen. Listen, it could have happened. Buzz is a huge listener of our show. But if we get to heaven and they're like, hey, actually, we did not land on the moon in 1969, I'd be like, I mean, I'm just not shocked. All right. Denver Airport. Oh, yeah. Denver Airport.

Okay, now we're starting to get real crazy. You're right. So you and I have talked, just hanging out, like, hey, John, you know there's like a thing under the Denver airport. Yeah, Denver airport. Okay. What's underneath the Denver airport for our listeners who'd have no idea? Okay, well, the Denver airport. So Denver had a full functioning airport very close to the city and it was fine. Sure, maybe a little small, but it was fine. So when you fly into Denver, you know you drive like 45 minutes to get to downtown Denver. I mean, it is out there.

Okay. And if you haven't been to Denver, there's these, they're small, but they're around the city. They're called the Rocky Mountains, which make making big things hard. That has nothing to do with continuing. It's actually, oh, no. That is not, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. We're not talking geography here. We are focused on facts.

They're our friends. So, yeah, so, no, the Denver airport one, this one is kind of, I get it. It sounds silly. But, again, I'm like, I mean, who knows? Okay, so what is it? So, it's the idea that the New World Order, which there is actually a plaque outside of the Denver airport, a statue. And literally at the bottom of the statue in the circle, it says dedicated to the new world order.

Like it really literally says that. So I'm like, I don't understand why people are like, oh, then I'm true. So the new world order, it's not like the Illuminati sort of, but it's the idea, the idea that there are a group of people across the world, powerful people that control everything, right? Like we think our elections, no, it's all controlled by this group of people, okay? So this is the theory. I'm not saying I believe it 100%.

This is the theory though. And so in order to control the world, and we can bring in biblical revelation too at the end time stuff, okay? That a mass genocide has to happen eventually to allow the world order to control the population because they can't control every person right now on the planet. There's too many. There's too many.

Absolutely. The Antichrist. I don't know. You can start to weave in some biblical stuff here. So the idea is that there has to be a mass genocide. So you go around the Denver airport today, okay? And the paintings, have you seen the paintings on the wall? No.

Are the creepiest, bizarre. It's some artist and they blame, they're like, it's art. I'm like, no, it's not. There are literal paintings, Google it, of a man, a huge man on a gas mask and coffins below him with children of different nations. Like different, like the American flag with different, yes, there's that photo. I mean, the most weird, bizarre, dark paintings are all over the Denver airport. So it's hints of painting of the mass genocide

because here's the conclusion. At the bottom of the Denver airport, there were all these tunnels when the construction was happening. There's footage, aerial footage, of these massive tunnels underneath the airport. So the theory is, is that is where the new world order is gonna go,

stay in these bunkers when the mass genocide happens so that they can't survive. Literally on this show, I take calls all over, people all over the world explain to me what's going on in their life. And one time, I think on the show, maybe twice, I've said the words, I don't really know what to say next. And this is number three. I don't have... We were at family dinner.

No, this was like, this one's been around for like 10 years. Yeah, yeah. And we were at a Ramsey family dinner. And I'm telling my family this, because I'm like, this is insane, y'all. The Denver airport is sketchy. And I'm telling them what I just told'm like, this is insane, y'all. The Denver airport is sketchy. And I'm telling them what I just told you.

And dad, Dave, was like, that is the stupidest thing I think I've ever heard. And I was like, because you're part of it. Dave Ramsey might be part of the New World Order. I was like, save me a bunker. Save me a bunker. Listen, one of the most important things about New World Orders is they wink at the world through their art and statues. And I didn't have any, I had no idea.

I would have thought, how ridiculous. Why is the airport though dedicated to the New World Order? Would it like, why would they put that there? I'm just curious. I thought the New World Order

was like a WWE group, like a worldwide wrestling group. Right? Aren't they wrestlers? Are they wrestlers? Why would they dedicate an airport? Real quick on these. Flat Earth?

I researched it. I don't believe it. I love that you were like, I got to spend some time with this one. There are a few documentaries I watch. So I was like, what if? What if? But I do think the world is around.

You could have been out serving the poor and you're like, nope. I have another use for that valuable hour of my life. I got to find out if this earth thing is real. Do you believe in any, John? Do you think anything in history has happened? Anything. That is not the truth of what was being told.

Absolutely. Yes. Okay. So it opens your mind to the idea that there are people that do things and they tell the public one thing and we're all like, okay, sure. Yes. That's what's happening. Yes. When actually other stuff was really happening.

I absolutely do. Okay. And I like them for fun. Yes. the idea that one guy could climb up in there and take out the president and alter world history. Yes. I don't want to live in that world. And so I-

It feels better to have. It feels better to say, no, no, no, there was a huge plot that everybody was in on it. They all knew what was happening. And then they've pacified the rest of us because we couldn't handle it. I have been in boardrooms when we've had hard conversations and nobody lied walking out, but everyone said, this conversation stays here. It has to, because

what's going on out there. They can't handle it. A friend of mine was, she was an attorney for a finance attorney. And when they were trying to make the Fed minutes public record, and she was like, God help us. They have to be able to have conversations in there that the general public cannot stomach. We don't need that made. And I believe that there's certain conversations that shouldn't be everywhere. Totally. Right? Yes. Yes. Yes. I like the idea that, okay, the CIA all got together and was like, we have to do this. It happened. Now let's move on. I like that version of the world better than, no, that guy could just go. The whole thing that we are dancing on is that flimsy, right?

Totally. It can be altered in that way. Totally. Absolutely. Absolutely. And so I like that. Yes. But for me, I'm like, it's a hard balance of withholding information.

Yes. For security, you know, and I get that. Like, I can be rational. I understand. But also when you're just lied to, when you're just lied to though, there's a part of me that the justice in that I hate. And I do think there are things that have happened in our history. Correct. That I'm like, it's just, if it's, and lied to for the benefit of other people. That if there are powerful people, greedy people, and they want what they want. Right. And in order to get that, it's like, well, we'll just do this, this, and this, so I can get more money or more power.

And that's where I think some of this can stem from. Last one. Yes. Don't go. Thumbs up or thumbs down. Because there's some I don't want to. I won't. Thumbs up or thumbs down.

Okay. Microchips. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. No, those are actually literally happening as we speak, though, for payment. Yes. People, yeah. Yeah, the BBC just reported it.

So what's different? You can get a microchip now. What's different than pulling it out of your pocket and waving it over than just waving it over? Because it's part of, it's, you can't, I can throw that over there. When it's implanted in you, John, it is part of you. Like, they literally. When's the last time you've left it over like that? Left my phone?

Mm-hmm. Like, what do you mean? What do you mean? Just walked away from it for 24 hours. 2011? 24 hours? Yeah, how many hours are we talking? See? Oh, man. Ah are we talking? Let's see.

Oh, man. Ah, stop. Mark of the Beast. Oh, yes. So that's my friend. Listen, are some conspiracy theories real? Yes. But, of course they are.

But listen, most of the time they're not. Most of the time there's a group of people trying to do the best they can i think with the data that they have and most of the time i have to look in the mirror and go do i really really think that they are implanting chips in something and i'm just going to put it in a soda i'm going to drink it and all of a sudden like they got me is that really how it's going to happen yeah i don't know probably not but the thing is do you believe that there's evil in the world though of course

so I'm like if evil people have enough power and enough sway then it shouldn't be shocking when evil stuff starts happening right

and then they hide it from us all you know where they hide it in the Denver airport ladies and gentlemen if you get one thing out of this segment at all listen they didn't land on the moon contrary to what Lloyd Christmas says in the Denver airport, ladies and gentlemen. If you get one thing out of this segment at all,

listen, they didn't land on the moon, contrary to what Lloyd Christmas says in Dumb and Dumber. And two, never fly to Denver. We'll be right back. Hey, what's up? Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious or burned out or chronically stressed at some point.

In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life. Get your copy today at johndeloney.com. All right, we are back. Hey, one quick, like, just a note at the end of that last segment. I want to read what Dr. Atiyah writes as he wraps it up. And I just feel 100% on this.

He writes, it's one thing to be skeptical of the effectiveness of a drug or a moon landing, but it's another thing to make a blanket statement, right? Without doing some serious homework. Yes, skepticism is the sine qua non of science, but it's intellectually dishonest and lazy to reject evidence that doesn't agree with your worldview without considering that you may be fooling yourself and others, right? This one's talking about that vaccines cause autism, which it's been clearly established that the guy who published that stuff was completely made it up. All of his findings have been invalidated and somehow that still hangs around as though it's a thing, right?

And so all I have to say is when you're faced with data or evidence of your particular pet conspiracy theory, maybe, maybe go, huh, maybe I was wrong. And I'm like, Rachel, she's a good friend. I love good conspiracy theory. It makes me happy. But as we wrap up today's show,

oh man, we have never had a song by this group. What a great group. The group is New Order. If you don't know New Order, they're so rad. They're old school. Song is called Truth and it goes like this. Oh, it's a strange day. In such a lonely way, I saw some children dance. I watched my life in a trance

and the people around me seem so glad to be here. Will my time pass so slowly on the day that I fear? And the noise that surrounds me pulls so loud in my head from the promise that healed us to the lies that I said. Oh, it's a strange day. It's such a lonely way. Some people look down on me. I know they like what they see.

Such a strange day. And it's always strange days right here on the Dr. John Deloney Show. See you later. Coming up on the next episode. Are y'all still married? We're still married, but legally only. They'll share a home?

We share a home. Okay. But he knows only because we were building a home. After we started building a home, he broke my fingers. I would have left him right then and there. My son was gonna be married the next day. I didn't know what to do. How did he break your fingers? He grabbed them, he got angry, grabbed them and crunched them.

What a scumbag, dude.