The Dr. John Delony Show - I Overheard My Mom Bad-Mouthing My Wife

Episode Date: August 11, 2025

On today’s episode, we hear about: -          A man who overheard his mom gossiping about his wife -          A young man wondering if he should start dating his ex . . . again -          A woman unsure when to disclose her checkered past to her boyfriend Next Steps: 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test  📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future  ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards  💭 John's Free Guided Meditation  🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch    Connect With Our Sponsors: Need to talk to someone? BetterHelp is virtual therapy when it’s convenient for you. Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. These are the BEST sheets and towels in the world. Get up to 40% off with code DELONY at Cozy Earth.   Getting lots of spam calls? DeleteMe can clean up your online presence for you. Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe.  Find peace every day. Hallow is the simplest way to slow down and get your head right for the day. Go to Hallow for a 90-day free trial.  I have Helix Midnight mattresses in EVERY bedroom in my house. Get 20% off when you visit Helix Sleep and take the sleep quiz to see what you need!  I took Thorne supplements way before I worked at Ramsey. Stoked that we can work together now! Get 25% off for LIFE at Thorne.    Head over to Poncho Outdoors to try the best outdoor performance shirt for yourself!   Explore More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights 🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💡 The Rachel Cruze Show 💰 George Kamel 🪑 Front Row Seat with Ken Coleman 📈 EntreLeadership   Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

I was doing some side work for my aunt. She had been calling me all day, and one of the times that she called, it ended up being a butt dial. I heard my wife's name, so it was an eight-minute conversation that I listened to. Damn, Gina, they did. They went after your wife. What's up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney show. Taking your calls from all over planet Earth,

real people going through real tough stuff. And my promise says I'll sit here with you. I've been sitting with hurting people for more than two decades trying to figure out what's the next right move. You want to be on the show? Go to John Deloney, D-E-L-O-N-Y. John Deloney.com slash ask.

A-S-K. So go out to Raleigh, North Carolina, and talk to Chris. What's up, Chris? Hey, Dr. John. How are you? I'm good, brother. What's up with you? Oh, man. I'm trying not to sweat my butt off out here. It's hot. It's hot. You want to keep your

butt. That's an important part of human anatomy. But, yeah, it is hot up there, dude. It's hot, hot, hot. What's up there, man? Well, I'll just kind of get right into my question. I was doing some side work, some extra work on the weekends, and I was working for my aunt. And she had been calling me all day just to kind of check in and see how the work was going. And one of the times that she'd called. It ended up being a butt dial and picked it up, said hello. And I heard my name and then I heard my wife's name in the background and realized it was a butt dial. And so I thought, okay, maybe I should hang up. But then hearing my name and my wife's name, I decided to listen. We've got to keep listening to this one. Yeah. Yeah. So it was an eight-minute conversation that I listened to. and it was basically my aunt and my mother talking about what my wife and I should do differently,

about how my wife should work more, about how she should just get over the mental illness that she deals with, and how she, you know, they're just better ways that she could parent our kids. Damn, Gina, they did. They went after your wife. They did, yeah. What an unfortunate but... I'm not real happy about it. No.

Did you say anything? So I didn't. So eventually what ended up happening is I heard somebody pick up the phone and say, oh, crap. And then they said, Chris, are you there? And I totally ignored it acting like I wasn't there. And then they hung up. And like five minutes later, they called back and like, hey, just checking in to see how things are going. And I acted like it was totally fine.

Oh, no, you didn't. Oh, okay. I did. Just because I've been through some things in life, and I know that my gut reaction is not the one that I should listen to. Me too. Me too. Good for you.

Good for you. Good for you. So I decided to write into the show and get your advice on it. There's a lot here, man. I guess first out of the bag, personally, and I'm sure there's different opinions on this, I don't think you're a bad guy for listening when you heard your name. I don't know.

I would have. I don't know if there's a right or wrong or maybe it's wrong, but I have a rule that whenever I pick up the phone and I hear somebody's butt dialed, I immediately hang up. Because I just, if you don't want to talk to me, I don't want to hear it. But if I pick up the phone and someone had butt dialed and I heard them say my name, I would definitely listen. So I guess maybe past right or wrong, you're human for having listened, okay? Okay. The bigger deal is it doesn't matter. You have that information now.

Right. And so I guess you have to deal with the fact that your aunt and your mom talking crap about you and talking crap about your wife, talking crap about your marriage. And I guess you get to decide what you do next. The only thing I would ask you is to continue to be a person of integrity and dignity and respect in your response. okay and what that means is don't pretend it didn't happen um if you choose to not associate with your aunt anymore or with your mom anymore at least be of the courage and the integrity to tell them why okay um or if you want to confront them and sit down and say hey i heard y'all talk about my wife like let's just be open about this and i mean well i i i

knowing your aunt, your mom, how would that go? Justification would be the immediate response. Tell me, what does that mean? This is. So they would be like, oh, well, we didn't mean it that way. That's not what we said. That's, you know, we don't mean any harm or ill will towards you or your wife. You know, we were just talking because we want what's best for you and we know how hard you work.

And we just feel like she could work harder. And these are things that I've heard before. sure from them okay um this is not the first time it's just this is the first time that i've happened to hear them talk about it when nobody else was around yeah so let's leave them out of this for a second and let's not them let them dictate what's the next right move for you so i'll ask you what's the next right move for you for you and your wife um the next right move would probably be to put up Well, my next right move would probably be to tell my wife that this happened. Okay.

So she doesn't even know that this happened. Okay. And that's kind of my way of protecting her because she does have a lot of mental health challenges going on. A lot of them surrounding self-worth. Okay. And for me to go and tell her these things would probably not be the best idea. Okay. After that.

Let me catch. Let me pause you right there. Tell me about, um, because here's the thing i'm not going to let two other people drop a bomb in my marriage and for you that marriage that bomb is a secret and somebody struggling with self-worth it can be incredibly attuned to their partner hiding something from them and they will backfill that what they perceive that gap to be that that secret that hole in the relationship with all kind of wild stories

and so in a way keeping secrets can be cruel at the same time let's use a totally different example let's say I'm going to take it away from your wife just to make it so I can be obnoxious let's say you had a buddy like a dude buddy named Dan okay

and let's say Dan was 400 pounds overweight and another couple of your buddies butt dialed you and heard you and they were just making fun of Dale he's so fat oh my gosh he's the fattest guy sick he's gross whatever and then you were with Dan and Dan said hey I want to call the guys and bring him over there would be a way you could say that to him

that he would get the picture that you wouldn't have to bury him and you could hurt him with the precise truth or you could very much tell him the truth without burying him you get what I'm saying yes and so I would recommend if you're especially if your wife's in a fragile emotional state or she's working like right in the middle of working on her mental health challenges. She got anxiety, depression, where she's struggling with? Yeah, anxiety and depression.

Okay. And she's getting ready to get tested for bipolar. Okay. Is she seeing somebody? She is. It's a once-a-month thing right now. We're looking to work our finances out so that she can go more often. Okay.

Make that a high priority. And I think there's a way to sit down and say, hey, listen, here's the deal. My aunt and my mom butt dialed me, and I'm not going to go into specific. but they said some ugly things about how I'm choosing to live my life and people I love and care about. So I'm putting up some boundaries. Oh my gosh, what did they say?

Did they say something about me? Like, I'm not getting any of the details. I don't want to go back and rehash all that, but I'm putting up some details because I heard some things that I didn't care for what they said. There's that or there is, they said that you need to get off your butt

and work more. You see what I'm saying? And one of those will tail spinner and one of those may be painful for her because she'll know by inference, but she will be spared the barbed wire of those details. Yeah. But there's a way to make yourself feel better

and almost empower yourself and unite with her against your aunt, your mother by being very specific. But, man, if she's in a delicate situation, she's getting bipolar. That tells me that she's really struggling right now, right? Yes, very much so. Yeah.

And does she know in the past that aunt and mom have said things about her or don't like how y'all are doing your deciding to live your lives no it's been more we set up boundaries when we first started having kids that um you know each of us would take the lead at our respect to family's houses and so um you know when we're over at her family's house she would be the one that kind of would lay the boundaries down with the with the in-laws and i would do the same thing with my family and so like if there was anything that happened that went wrong i would be the one of the one of the ones that would be the one of to take care of it at my house or at my parents' house and she would be the one to take care of it

at her parents' house and then we'd come together afterwards and talk about what happened and what needs to change and what would be different okay tell me how your wife so if my wife came home and said i overheard somebody saying something about you and us and it disgust me we're not hanging out with them anymore i would go stone insane until she finally told me what they said if i came home and told my wife hey this person said some gross stuff about me and you we're not hanging out with him anymore, I don't want to talk about it. My wife would never ask another question. She would say, like, I trust you to, if I don't need to hear it, I don't want to hear it.

How is your wife? Yeah. She like me or she like my wife? She would be like, that's fine. I don't need to hear it. Oh, that's awesome. Good for you, man. Then maybe that's, then maybe she's wise like my wife and not immature like me. But like, uh, that's where I would leave it, man.

I wouldn't go too deep on it. So what does boundaries mean for you all too? So as far as family goes, Yep. So we've already set up some pretty good boundaries with my family, just because this has happened before, again, just with them talking poorly about others. You know, so like if their family get-togethers,

we kind of take it on a moment-by-moment basis, and if it comes day of, and we just kind of get this feeling that today is not a good day, we're just, we're going to say, hey, today's not a good day for us. We're not coming over. you know we don't even do christmas with the family we don't do um we'll do thanksgiving every other year we kind of swap off with with the in-laws so there's already some pretty um some pretty good

firm boundaries in place um and they are tested they they they i won't say that they're that they're perfect but they are tested um but but we do our best to hold as as firm as we can with them very cool it if this was me i would probably sit down and talk to my mom about it unless my mom was someone who couldn't hear it or someone who's unstable. That's just me. And the reason I would do that is not to one-up my mom

or try to gain a power position. I would want to be honest about why the dynamic of our relationship is going to continue to further change. And I cannot control her. I cannot control aunt. You can't control what they're talking about. You can't control what they think about your wife and whatever. I can control

my calmness, I can control my honesty and my integrity, and I want to try to uphold that the best I can. Yeah. But I hate this for you, dude. Sorry, man. I appreciate it. Thank you. Yeah, it's a sucky situation. Yeah. But I mean, and unfortunately with technology, I mean, you accidentally get CCed on an email, you accidentally text the wrong person. I've done all three of these things, by the way. And that's where I've tried to develop a lot of grace. If I start reading an email that it's not for me, I just instantly delete it because I'm hoping that somebody does that for me someday.

Or if I, again, if somebody, if I pick up the phone and I clearly somebody's butt dial, I just, I stop it immediately because I know I have been talking about stuff and I've actually butt dialed people before and I just hope they'll treat me with grace too. So, but here we are, man. You heard your name called and you listen to it. And I think you've got to act on it. But taking care of your wife and being honest at the same time is a delicate balance. But there's a way to be honest with your wife and not weaponize the truth with all those jagged edges of what was said exactly.

And if your mom can hear it, maybe sit down and say, hey, mom, I heard this. And it breaks my heart. We're working really hard. And I love my wife. And I'm going to ask you not to talk about us, but she can do whatever she wants. And if you do stop going over there more, stop being around the family. family more, et cetera. I think it's worth being honest about it.

And it doesn't have to be a long, drawn-out conversation. You already know exactly what they're going to say. So it's more about you just standing up for yourself and standing up for your wife and remaining a person of dignity and respect. But thanks for the call, my brother. Appreciate you reaching out. That's a, geez, that's a bum deal, man. We come back.

A man asks how to handle his ex-fiancee wanting to date again. All right, it's time to talk about. Helix. Summer's here. The sun's up earlier. School's out, but we're already planning for the new school year. I cannot even believe that. And kids are bouncing off the wall. And if you're like me, everything in your life is just kind of chaos. It's chaos. And when that happens, what's the first thing that tanks are sleep? We stay up too late. We get up too early. I'm going to be honest with you. When I'm not sleeping well, I've got a short fuse with my wife. I can be grumpy with my kids, and everything just feels harder than it should. Listen, sleep isn't just about rest. It's about

showing up the next day as the kind of person you want to be, and it's the kind of person your friends and your colleagues and your family need you to be. And that is why I sleep on a Helix mattress. I've tried all kinds of mattresses, mattresses that were too soft, too stiff, they had weird memory foam stuff. Listen, I've tried them all, but Helix matched me with the perfect mattress based on how I sleep and how my wife sleeps. They've even got options for couples who need different feels on the same bed. It's incredible. I want you to take the Helix sleep quiz. I took it and it's great and it takes like two minutes and they're going to match you with the right mattress just for you. And right now, my audience gets early access to their Labor Day sale for 20% off site wide. Go to helixleep.com

slash Deloni and get 20% off your entire order. That's helix sleep.com slash deloni. With Helix, better sleep starts right now. All right, Jacksonville, Florida. Let's talk to Nate Dog. What's up, Nathan? Dr. John, how you doing, sir? Good, brother.

What's up with you, man? Man, I'm good. Nothing much. That's awesome. What's up? Yeah, so I, first of all, I mean, thank you so much for taking my call today. it's really an honor and a blessing to talk to you.

But I'm dealing with a little bit of grief here with the current situation I'm in. And so I'm wondering, you know, how do I go about building a new relationship with my partner and kind of come to terms with the wrongs that I've done in our past relationship? What happened? So it's definitely a unique situation. We were together for about four years, and we were engaged, and in March, she came to me and told me that she was not happy, and she didn't want to get married to me anymore. And a week later, she had a moving truck ready to move out of the apartment and move into her new apartment and told me that she didn't want any contact, no communication. And so I was trying to navigate as a single guy.

And three weeks later, she reached back out and said she had a change of heart and wanted to date again. And, you know, of course, I reached out and I wanted to make it work. And so we have been having some conversations and really deep talks about what happens and how we go from here. and I think we are reconnecting and we're in a better place emotionally. And I think that kind of... You still haven't told me what happened, though. What'd you do? I had gone to strip clubs and didn't tell her that they were strip clubs.

Did you tell her they weren't strip clubs? Yeah. Okay. I did. All right. So I lied about that. I was addicted to pornography. Okay.

And I lied about that and didn't tell her that I was struggling. Um, and so, um, hold that. I want you to exhale for a second. I want you to just sit in this for a second. Yeah. Yeah. Exhale for a second. Whew.

Tell me it doesn't feel better to be free of that. Yeah. It does. Okay. You don't have to, I mean, there's, there's millions of people who will hear this, right? But like, you don't have to hide from me. Okay. Yeah.

There's something about just saying it, dude. Okay. you were not who you wanted to be years ago I wasn't either none of us were and there's something about just exhaling and say it so we can get on to

how do we heal and build something new did you ever cheat on her no no sir okay and so did she find out about this while y'all were engaged no sir I came clean and

and just owned up to it all okay and how did she take that um it was it was tough at first. I think she was kind of confused on how she felt and she took a couple days to think about it. And this was, I came clean in December of 2024, kind of let it all on table. And, you know, she took some time to think about it and told me that she didn't want to

leave and she wanted to continue and press on with me. Okay, so what happened that finally she just said, I can't go through with this? I think the lies were bad for my character. I definitely think that... I know, but if she stayed for 18 more months, that tells me that you continue to lie about little stuff all the time anyway. Is that true? Yeah.

Okay. Because if she heard you and said, all right, you did this thing a couple years ago. I don't like it. You lied to me, but I'm all in. I'm staying. you and you're going to always tell me the truth you're like yep them all in cool 18 months later unless she's getting breadcrumbs of this dude is still the same guy he just circles the

truth doesn't come clean just always has kind of got a roundabout way of trying to gloss things over her just saying hey i can't trust this guy to anchor into and build a life with right yeah yeah you're like making amends for past mistakes if if 18 months ago you dumped it all on the table and said dude all those times i told you i was just like going to chilies i was actually a strip clubs and all those times i was doing xyz i was out smoking weed with my buddies and like if you were honest and poured it all out there then we're here and if you live in a state of deficit like i owe you now you'll never catch up because you're scorekeeping yeah right she'll feel she'll feel more like a mother than than a girlfriend, fiance, wife.

Yeah. But how do you rebuild your relationship? First and foremost, do you have to get over whatever it is about Nathan you don't like? Yeah. Like, you don't like you, dude. Why?

Just, I think I'm falling into the patterns of my biological father. Okay, let's leave him out of this. Did he bail on you? Yeah. All right, let's don't bring. him back to the table and start pointing fingers at him let's just deal with the dude in the mirror why don't you like you not who i want to be okay who do you want to be i want to be a good

husband one day i want to be honorable i want to be honest i want to be loyal and trustworthy okay what does what does being deceptive about things get you Now, if you have five beers and end up in the backseat of a car and everybody takes you to strip club and you just, like, go along with it and you lie the next day, that gets you out of trouble. I get that. But what is lying about work stuff and little stuff and where's the phone charger? Like, what does that get you on a day-to-day basis? I mean, it doesn't get me anywhere. but I think the reason why I struggle with it is

it's easier than having a longer conversation Well there's two sides to that One you're going to have a long conversation It's either going to be when she's moving out Or it's going to be done in tiny little chunks Like dude why'd you take the phone charger again That's one side. You're going to have that length of a conversation.

Yeah. The second one is a deeper one, which is, what are the things that you're continuing to do that are so bad that you think I need to risk blowing up relationships at work with friends, with my fiance? I've got to keep this part of me hidden. Yeah. I've just been I've been very very selfish especially this year what does that mean

honestly bro it sounds like a move tell me what that means well I mean just I I'm not very I mean I think a larger problem of this

you know that you know the lying has kind of led up to is, you know, I just, I'm not very emotionally available for her. You know, I'm not, I'm not thinking of her needs and, you know, it doesn't really matter her, or at least it did, you know, until this all happened. It didn't really matter where she was at. You know, she was my fiance and she was there and she wasn't going to leave. And I got in the state of just comfort and just normalcy that, you know, it didn't really matter what I did or if I needed to go above and beyond for, you know, it was just, it was, it was a constant.

And, you know, I think that's what really heard of the most is just that she could just tell that I didn't care. Is that true that you didn't care? Well, no, no, of course not. Of course I care about it. I don't think it easier. Where do you work? Don't tell me the office, but what kind of industry do you work in? I work in marketing. How much money do you make? $60,000. Is that a real number?

Is that a made-up number? No, it's a real number. Okay. Are you proud of that? Are you embarrassed by it? I'm proud of it. Okay. Do you drive a car you can't afford?

No, sir. Okay. Do you live in an apartment you can't afford? Right now I do. Okay. So here's what I want you to do. I want you to do. look at the places in your life where you are avoiding reality because that's another way of

lying to yourself okay if you make 60 grand and you drive a 60,000 dollar car you're lying to the world about this is how much money I have right if you live in a $3,000 a month apartment and you make 60 grand a year you're lying to your friends and family about how you're doing yeah I want you to take ownership with the skills you have you're clearly talented at your job or they wouldn't pay you 60 grand and this woman clearly loves you she keeps coming back and keeps coming back my guess is she sees something in you that you can't see in yourself is that fair definitely has she said that exact thing to you something very similar exactly and then literally it sounds this sounds silly but you're going to practice not lying anymore

and that means you're going to have to have all of your little bitty shortcomings exposed and rapid succession, it's going to feel like an exposed nerve, but then you're going to realize she's not leaving and you're not going to die. And that's how you're going to practice standing up on your own two feet. I appreciate the call, man. We're not going to go make amends. You've done that. You've told the truth. We're not going to live in deficit. But the only way to rebuild your relationship is to become somebody who is so concretely integris, that you never hide for you. yourself or anybody again through dishonesty and lies.

Thanks for the call, brother. We come back, a woman wants to know how to disclose her past with new dates. Everywhere we turn these days, everyone's talking about AI or our data privacy or hacking or whatever. Listen, right now, scammers are using fishing attacks. That's fishing with a pH. They try to trick you into giving them something important or precious, like your data, by pretending to know you. You might get an email, a text, or a phone call, and the person or the AI bot on the other end

sounds like someone who's trying to help you out and look out for you. They're not. With the new technological advancements, none of us can keep up, which means none of us is really safe. So what are we supposed to do? First, we're going to start controlling what we can.

We're going to learn how to be careful with our digital privacy online and offline, and we're going to sign up with Delete Me. I use and recommend Delete Me because they work in the background of my life to reduce my online presence. And that way, I don't have to worry about creepy data brokers having my information without me knowing it and selling it to God knows who. Delete Me is reviewed over tens of thousands of sites for me,

and they've removed my data from hundreds of them, which has saved me countless hours and a ton of stress. Stop the fishing attacks and the harassment and the other online threats before they even start and take control of your digital privacy with Delete Me. Go to join deleteme.com slash deloney today for 20% off their annual plan. That comes out to less than nine bucks a month. That's join delete me.com slash deloney. Go check them out.

Dayton, Ohio. Let's talk to Samantha. What's up, Samantha? Hey, Dr. John Deloney. Who are you? What's up? I'm doing great. How about you?

Better than I deserve, you know, partying. There you go. What's up? So I want to first say that you're not just a YouTuber, Dr. John, you are really doing God's work. You know, I for one have learned so much from you and the compassion you have for others. And sometimes when I hear your call or struggles, it's really humbled me and made me even more grateful to be the position that I'm in and show up better for the people of my life. So thank you so much for you and your staff. Thank you. I'm grateful that you are

taking what you hear on this show and putting it into the world, man. That's awesome. I feel like I have a third degree, a psychology degree after binge watching all of your YouTube podcast videos. I'm not smart enough to be a psychologist, but I appreciate it. What's up? Yeah, totally. So I don't know if I have a simple question, but I find myself in a position many times where it's hard to navigate and I really need some guidance so that I can put my best foot forward and be able to have a life with things that I can still dream about and have. Okay, let it rip. So from 2016 to 2017, I got 3DIs where I live.

I had to serve time for my third conviction. I am a convicted felon. So it has really impacted me, like, in a multitude of ways. So my years of schooling, having proper and well-paying study employment, and now the way I even show up to be in relationships. So when I share the sensitive information, I've often been rejected. It feels like I am constantly interviewing for a job that I'll never get. Kind of like when you're up to that and then your coach just benches you.

And I have really, really come a long way in these eight years. How can I have my past no longer, I can't say no longer dictate my future because it will forever dictate my future. But I just feel like I'm constantly rejected through by so many people, future potential employers, now even relationships. Sometimes I even find myself like, I don't know. Like I feel like I've been craving companionship for so long that maybe I should hold out for another month or two before I just even lay it.

I'm sick with my past. And before you ask me any questions about why I don't like myself or why can't I forgive myself, I really, really have, I have grace and I really have a lot of love for myself. I wasn't even going to ask you that one, but I'm glad that you've forgiven yourself. That's awesome. Are you sober now? I'm coming up on eight years sober in August.

Amazing. How often do you tell that story? When I'm in AA, when I feel like that good comfort and vulnerability with someone else that I can be vulnerable, I'll share it with them. Only very few close family members and friends know. It's not something that I like to talk about, but sometimes when I meet someone and I know they're struggling through something, I'll share about my past. But you walk around Not with the eight years of sobriety With the eight years of victories

With the eight Super Bowl championships you've won You walk around with the three you didn't win Yeah Why is that? I mean I would a teacher John I have a bastard's degree I can't use that anymore That's not true

That's not true In certain context that is factual that's not totally true and if you lead with i do recognize you have to check a box that says are you a convicted felon but if you lead a conversation with i've been sober for almost a decade and i was very ill made some bad choices a decade ago i'm going to tell you right now if people are holding me accountable for stuff I did a decade ago, I don't want to work for you. Right?

And I would tell you, if people don't want, I can't think of somebody that's in a better position to compassionately and empathetically sit with young people than you. I see that to myself all the time. Like the bad kids love me. I know, but you say that to yourself, but you don't walk through the world that way. Because as much as you say you,

forgiven yourself? You haven't. I feel like my community and where I'm from, they've really held it as a taboo. I grew up in a conservative Muslim home. So it's

something, like I had to lie about where I was going during that time. I lied and I said I went to Africa to teach for a year. Let me back out of that. Let's back out of that. We're going to be done with the offloading of responsibility. All right. I like that. I chose to lie to my family and community and tell them I went to Africa.

All right. Because I chose to be imprisoned by a story for the next decade, then deal with their ostracization back in 2017. Wow. Let's be honest. Is that fair? Yeah, that's so fair. prison over possible excommunication fair right fair yeah but this prison is locked on the inside out yeah i mean they locks on the inside if they do not want to be in your life because of choices

you made when you were struggling and let's be honest i always want to reiterate on the show if you get three DUIs in a row a you must be taken off the road correct you know that right absolutely and if you get three DUIs in a row then you've got demons that you are desperately trying to drown out which tells me with great compassion that's a hurting person there yeah and so if your community a decade later won't welcome you back in with open arms then I am going to as the great Jay Z one said, brush my shoulders off. And it's my job now to unlock my prison from the inside out and go find a community that will celebrate the decade of sobriety and going to war

with myself that I've endured. And that, my sister, is forgiveness. Now, when do I, like, share, like, see, I've reconnected with someone in my past. And he brought up a very triggering question. Is there anything about your past is going to like impact my future like how do I begin because I almost want to say bro with Google look up my first and last name and if you have any questions come back to me what kind of dating question I don't know I don't date anymore so I know I know I know I don't I haven't had a relationship since 2016 so why why have you not uh because I was at a place where I didn't even want to date myself.

Okay. That's a, that's a, that's a, I don't know. I didn't have my stuff together. Fair. Coming out is hard. Yeah. And, you know, not just reintegration society. It's like, what do you do for a living?

You're a teacher. I'm like, no, not a teacher anymore. So you work at, you know, a local restaurant. Yeah, I look at it. It's just a lot of questions that I just felt like you're, not Barbara Walters, why am I, why am I feeling like this is an interview on 60 minutes or whatever? It's annoying. Let's flip that whole thing around.

Why does, why have you given the proverbial Barbara Walters questions? You are, you are taking the questions people ask and the answers you would give if you were honest, and you are judging yourself and taking your judgments and putting them in their heads. All right. And maybe they are going to say judgmental things, and then great, they're opting out. Or back in 2018, they were right. Oh, my gosh, you did all this stuff and you can't even go in a classroom anymore. They should take you out of a classroom.

And they were right. They should take you out of that classroom. And after a decade of kicking butt, for you to go meet with an HR director of a small school district and it's not going to be possibly in Dayton in the big city but hey I'm just coming clean 10 years ago I was a mess here's my 10 year my seven year my eight year coin boom I'm sober I worked a plan I'm an amazing place I have a graduate degree I want to be a teacher again what's my path back well I went back into teaching um for two years two school years okay and it was in my best interest to not go back again um it was a very very

small school as you said um you know i had that courageous conversation with you know the director and whatnot but um i just felt like it was going to i felt like i was getting at a place where it was going to compromise my sobriety okay so i left teaching again i never wanted to be a teacher you know okay i'm sorry i misunderstood can i high you can i high five i never i never wanted to be a teacher thank you yeah like you you saw yourself going down a path again and you walked back That's awesome. So, you know, I guess I'm confused. Hmm.

I didn't want to be a teacher when I was 18 years old. It was something that was appropriate for a young girl. You either went into nursing or healthcare or education. Okay, so what do you want to do now? How old are you? I am 38 and a half-ish. All right, good. My mother.

Yeah. Went back to college. at the age of 42. Yeah, I love that story. Okay, you haven't even started. You're four years ahead of her. What do you want to do? I've always wanted to go into business and marketing.

What do you want to sell? I love startup companies. I like being a part of something brand new. None of that is a thing. What do you want to sell? Do you like it when you go get your hair done? Do you like it when you get a good cup of coffee? Do you like it when you open a new box of shoes?

Like, what do you want to sell to somebody to bring joy or light or help or support to their day? I guess I never thought about products and items. I thought about just working for a company. I know, but here's the problem with that. I've constantly been told what to do my entire life. I know. I know, but listen. I've never really just had like a free, like be a laden and do whatever I want.

That's why I'm trying to free you from it. The problem with the modern American workforce is that everybody wants to show up to a job and that job give me something instead of i want to be a part of a group a company a small business a solopreneurship i want to be about helping a customer with x get therapy get a roof get their plumbing fixed get new shoes get a million dollar car i don't care what the thing is but if you go to a company to solve you it will fail every time if you go to a company to say i'm giving all of myself as a part of this team so that we can help X, Y, or Z. Now you're talking about purpose.

And so what you're looking to do, you're running around, your community has abandoned you, your romantic relationships, you have created this world where you don't think you can be successful there, and you have created all these stories about yourself, and now you're putting all of your potential future on some company, you don't even care what they do, what they sell, anything that's going to turn to all. all your light switches on. And that doesn't exist. Do you get what I'm saying?

Oh, yeah. So I want you to ask, who do I want to go help? Do I want to help pet owners? Do I want to help? Like people who's got five tires, I don't care what it is. And then you show up to a place

and you begin putting all of you into it. Not the you that thinks you're broken down and unworthy because 10 years ago you were sick. and you made some bad choices 10 years ago. But the eight Super Bowl champion years later, you? I wouldn't say eight. I would see like a great three-year Tom Brady action. Whatever you want to say.

Five years after it was pretty rough. It was rough. You got eight years of sobriety. I'm counting it. But you sell it however you would sell. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. And if you haven't been sober for eight years,

then don't go around with that story either. If it's only been three, great. Say three. No, no, no. I'm just saying the, I'm thinking about just the entire time that I've been out. Okay. And what I've been doing. You have to decide I'm not going to judge me as harshly as my community has judged me.

All right. And you have to decide I'm not going to judge me as harshly as knuckleheaded people. I did not have three DUIs. I've never got a DUI. I have things from my past eight years ago, ten years ago, 15 years ago, 30 years ago that I'm not proud of. And that's what forgiveness is about. That's what making amends is about.

And that's what going to do the next right thing is about. So when do I share it? And is it just how I share it? I'm like, yo, listen, I just, I messed up. It is what it is. I can't see it is what it is, but there's not a date or time. If your body tells you this person's not safe, then don't go on a second date.

And also, don't be that weirdo who's like, Hi, my name is Samantha. I want to time I. Don't be that person either. No, the recovery talks was where I had the first few months right after I came out. I'm in recovery. I'm in recovery and everyone would be like,

what's that? And if that's the case, that's not your person. But you can also say that 10 years ago, man, I had a rough go. 20 years ago, I had a really rough go. Oh, yeah? Tell me about, dude, I went to jail. one time. What?

Oh, God. I don't want to talk about that. It's horrible. I know, but it's a part of your life. Here's the thing. I think people are going to distance themselves from you. They're going to flinch from you. Because you haven't fully metabolized what happened. And if you put it on the table with confidence as a, this is in my past and this is not a part of my future, people will lean into that. occasionally they won't and so be it forget them i'm going to hook you up in my buddy king coleman's book he has a book called find the work you're wired to do it's got a career assessment in it i want you to take that career assessment and then i want you to tenaciously and start knocking on doors having

coffee with people applying for jobs and just just like you did with that small school district be honest and say here i am and yes i got a pass but dude i've been eight years sober and i will be the best employee you have i'm going to start sure you're going to go out after it. I'm going to stop asking my job to solve all my world's problems, and instead, I'm going to bring myself fully to the service of finding, that helping somebody with a thing, a customer at the end, a person at the end, with support and help and love, and then it's going to be game on. Thank you so much for the call, Samantha. We'll be right back. I love poncho shirts, and they are back as a supporter of this show, and I'm super jazzed about it.

If you've seen me on stages across the country, maybe in the airport, on this show, or recently even when I was out fishing with my son in the Gulf, right? Or maybe you've even seen me mowing my yard out here in Nashville. I'm almost always wearing poncho shirts. Poncho makes the absolute best outdoor performance shirts for men, period. Whether they are sponsoring this show or not, I'm always wearing poncho because they're the best. Of course, I love their denim shirts and their insanely soft flannels. But now that it's super hot,

I'm wearing poncho's ultra-light shirts, too. They're really lightweight, they're breathable, yet they're tough enough to handle whatever chaos my day brings, and I'm talking everything from traveling to being up to my chest, fishing in the surf, or doing yard work. These shirts move with you, not against you. And they dry fast, and they don't cling or bunch up, and they come and slim a regular fit,

so you're not walking around town looking like a sausage link or a circus tent. Head over to poncho outdoors.com slash deloni and try them out for yourself. Right now, new customers get 10 bucks off their first purchase. Just sign up with your email. That's poncho outdoors.com slash deloni, and you got to trust me, poncho ultralight shirts are going to turn into a summer essential for you, too.

All right, we're back. Money and Marriage Question. Don't forget the November marriage retreat and the Valentine's Day marriage retreat with me and my friend, Rachel Cruz. It's a two-and-a-half-day weekend here, in Nashville, Tennessee. It's half a Thursday, all day, Friday, all day, Saturday,

or into the evening on afternoon on Saturday, and then you are free to go, enjoy Nashville, and just hang out in this great city. It is, so don't forget to go. You can check the show notes here. Go check it out. I would love to have you here. These events sell out every year,

and I'd love to have you guys come if y'all can get in. But we have an anonymous question box at Money and Marriage, and this year we've got a whole, whole bunch of questions, so I'm answering them now. Here's one of the questions. how do I help my husband forgive how I treated him the first 10 years? Year 25 was this year. I was a different person then.

Yeah, we all were. I get held to who I was after trauma and family pain. So I guess the crux of the deal here is you can't make your husband do anything. And you can't choose to force your husband to forgive you. you he doesn't have to and that's a heartbreaking thing to say but he doesn't he can continue to hold this over you um what you get to do is to decide i'm not going to be held to that anymore it's been 15 years you might sit down with him and say not you keep holding me to stuff that happened 10 years ago that's not helpful because now you're in a loop you'll have done that dance a million times

because he'll say well i have to because you we're not doing that but you can say you this happened last week this specific thing happened last month and this specific thing has been happening for the last year and i we're going to use i messages i feel uncomfortable i am choosing to be frustrated or angry or anxious in these moments i am asking for the following and that's the path you have to move forward i would love it if we could both agree to exhale on the first 10 years i've acknowledged it i've owned it i have um proven over the last 15 years and so i need some more context on what he's doing right is he like hoarding the money or still going through your text messages or like i don't know what's happening here but you get to i mean any number of things but

the the major overarching theme here is you can't make him um you can't help him forgive you other than become worthy of forgiveness meaning i've i have i don't i'm not that person anymore i don't do any of those things i don't ever lie i don't cheat i don't steal money i whatever was going on back you know 15 years ago so that's the best i can help you um but sitting down and saying i can't make you forgive me and I am going to choose to not live in a house where things that happened 15 years ago are still held over me in the following ways. You can draw a line. But thinking you can do things to make him change, that's a futile, futile way to live your life. We just can't make other people do things as much as we try. Hey, that's it. Kelly, what else you got? Anything else?

no no you're just looking like pleasant today you seem baffled by it it's a baffling thing well I'm happy is it because of all those showers after the skunk incident I've been telling you for months that if you shower regularly you just are happier people listening I shower regularly very regularly as a matter of fact daily Ben, I see you in the roof I see you in the roof of the last. Yeah, that what you don't see is the other engineer

who smelled too long and passed out under the desk. But alas. I don't know. I like joyful. But I like how you gave me a compliment and then right there you killed it. So, I appreciate that.

It makes me more comfortable. I know what to do more with that than I do the compliment. What, bath? Shower. No, you being mean versus a compliment. I'm never mean. We should in the show now. Love you guys.

Stay in school. Don't do drugs, except don't stay in school because it's summertime. But keep making good choices. Bye.