The Dr. John Delony Show - I Picture My Husband With Other Women

Episode Date: November 4, 2024

On today’s episode, we hear about: ·     A wife struggling with inappropriate fantasies and thoughts ·     A daughter seeking the best way to have a hard conversation with her parents ·     A husband looking for advice on how to support his overwhelmed wife Next Steps: 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test 📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards 💭 John's Free Guided Meditation 🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show T-Shirts   Connect With Our Sponsors:  🌱 Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. 🌿 Get up to 40% off at Cozy Earth with code DELONY. 🔒 Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe. 😇 Go to Hallow for a 90-day free trial. 💤 Visit Helix Sleep for special offers. 🏥 Get 10% off select packages at Marek Health with code DELONY.  💪 Get 25% off your order at Thorne. 🥤 Get 20% off at Organifi with code DELONY.  ·      🏔️ Use code DELONY at Poncho Outdoors. Listen to More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights 🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💡 The Rachel Cruze Show 💰 George Kamel 💼 The Ken Coleman Show 📈 The EntreLeadership Podcast Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy https://www.ramseysolutions.com/company/policies/privacy-policy

Hey, what's up? The team at Ramsey Solutions is giving away $5,000 in the Ramsey Christmas Cash giveaway. Don't miss your chance to win some cash at RamseySolutions.com slash giveaway. Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney show. I am struggling with a decision that I know is morally wrong. The idea of him being with someone else is very attractive to me. I have talked to him about essentially having an open marriage.

Are you trying to outsource the sexual part of your relationship with somebody else? What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Delaney Show, What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Delaney Show, talking to you about your mental and emotional health and your relationships, whatever you got going on in your life. So grateful that you've joined us. You want to be on this show.

Here's what I do. I sit with hurting people. Are people just trying to figure out what's the next right move in my life, in my relationships, in my psychological life? Like, whatever you got going on in psychological life. That's not even a thing But I'll sit with you and we'll figure out what's the next right move give me a buzz at one eight four four six nine three Thirty two ninety one. It's one eight four four six nine three three two nine one or go to John Delaney comm slash ask K and we'll get you squared up. All right, let's go out to Seattle and talk to Dawn. Hey Dawn, what's happening?

Hey, how's it going? Doing good. How about you? Well, I'm doing okay. All right, so what's up? I'm talking to you, so Some would say not okay Excuse me. Well, I am struggling with a decision that I know is morally wrong. I am a new Christian. Okay. So I'm finding my path there. And I know that this is morally wrong, but I still want to, like, I feel like I still want to explore it. Okay. Like I feel like I still want to explore it. I feel like very turned on and very attracted about the idea of my husband being with another woman.

Okay. And you participate and you watching, you being there or just the idea of it happening? A little bit of all of the above. I don't know if I necessarily want to watch, but the idea of him being with someone else is very attractive to me. I've talked to him about potentially having an open marriage, but I don't want to bring another man into it. I have zero desire to be with anybody else.

The way you just said it's like, I don't want another man. Men are gross. A lot of them are. Hey, trust me. Must be honest. Yes, you're correct. So, so dig into this with me, okay? Okay. So jealousy can be a powerful, powerful aphrodisiac.

Okay. Is this about a sense of aliveness and jealousy and your heart rate would get up and there'd be this moment of like, oh, tell me more about it. What, like when you picture this in your mind or maybe you don't even picture it in your mind, but you go through the exercise of,

tell me about it. Well, I'm not sure if it's a jealousy thing or maybe it is once I describe it. It's also kind of the idea of another woman finds my husband attractive and wants to be with my husband attractive and wants to be with my husband. And that is a really big compliment to me because then I just kind of look at it as though, like, hey, someone else wants to be with my husband

and I am lucky enough that he chose me. And then I get to be with him all the time. And there's also a power dynamic where you get to give him permission. Oh. Like almost as you're, not as much as your control over him, as much as you're in control of the other woman's desire.

Oh, didn't even think about that. Because it sounds like your husband in this exchange is the variable. He's the pawn in the chess game. The chess match is actually between you and other women. Interesting. And this may be the most amazing conversation to have with a baby in the background. I was trying to keep him quiet. No, it's okay.

It happens. It's life. He's not even two. No, no, no. It makes this conversation even more rich because why not? Right. Exactly. So tell me about that.

Let me ask you this. Where do you feel powerless with other women in your life? Oh, with other women in your life? Oh, with other women specifically, that's gonna be, I feel like a little bit of that is my mom feeling powerless there, but that's not, I'm not quite sure if that's some of it. I'm not quite sure if that's some of it. Let's see, as far as powerless with other women. Let me ask you a deeper question.

Where do you feel powerless in your own sexuality? So that has been, I have felt pretty powerless since kids. Tell me about that. I've got a, yeah, I've got a three-year-old and I'm a two-year-old and my body of course is not the same. I had two C-sections, so then it's really not the same because I just, there's certain parts of my body that I'll, it'll just never be the way that it was. Um, and then I had a hysterectomy on top of that just this past

in fed, just this past year or yeah, earlier this year. Um, so my body keeps fluctuating, um, which then of course doesn't make me feel very good about myself, which then of course doesn't make me want to be intimate with him. And then I've had a lot of health issues as well, which bring me a lot of pain, which then of course makes me not want to be physical. Like like like vaginismus, like um, like intercourse pain or pain elsewhere? Mainly pain elsewhere. It'll hurt my back and my hips.

Okay. I've been in pain afterwards. And so then that makes me not want to be intimate. And then I also feel bad that I can't give that part of our marriage to my husband when back before kids and things like that, we were very physical all the time. So maybe I was wrong. Are you trying to outsource yourself? In what way?

What do you mean? Are you trying to outsource the sexual part of your relationship to somebody else? Sometimes. It's not that I don't want to. Like I enjoy sex with my husband. I actually enjoy our sex life when it is there. It's just, it's few and far between these days,

between just having kids and being in pain and all of these things and me not feeling very confident about my body. I then feel bad. And I feel like my husband's physical needs are not being met and that they should be met and that I'm, so because of that I'm okay with or at least I think I am. Intellectually. And I say it out loud.

Yeah. Yeah. So. In theory. Have you talked to him about not so much the threesome or not so much him being with another woman, like open marriage, polyamory, not that. Have you talked about, or not, not polyamory, that was the wrong word is, consensual non-monogamy, right?

Have you talked with him about what you just told me? I have, yes. I don't feel beautiful. I don't feel like I am the person that you deserve. I like being with you and I can imagine how it would be kind of erotic to be the puppet master for somebody else being with you. That sounds kind of like I'd be in control

and it would be cool because I feel out of control because I wanna be with you. My body is not participating right now. I haven't said it exactly like that and if I say it exactly like that it'll be perfect because you know you know what you're talking about so. But does that ring true? I don't want to put words in your mouth but does that ring true? No that you hit the nail on the head.

So what does what does what does he say? What does he say? What does he say? He says that he understands about the physical and about the pain, he gets it, because he's been with me from the beginning for all of this, and he understands. And the last thing he wants to do is cause me pain. You know, he doesn't want to see me cry after we've been intimate because I'm in so much pain, which has happened.

And he also then relates, I've told him that I don't feel great about my body and he said that he also relates because his body has also changed over the 10 years that we've been together and he doesn't feel very confident about his either. Okay. So I'll just say this kind of abruptly and boldly. I think that fantasies are actually really important and I think that They can be incredibly powerful if they are discussed among like you and your husband if y'all talk about them But there's a sense of curiosity and playfulness not a sense of oh my gosh Right, not a sense of judgment and how dare you.

Okay. So I think they can be very important. I will also tell you that reality will, if you think you have self doubt now, it will blow your world apart. You get what I'm saying? I do, yeah. And so I don't want you to beat yourself up

for thought crimes. And I don't want you to keep secrets from him. And my hope for all marriages and all relationships is that there can be some sort of playful, hey dude, I had a crazy dream last night. No, not with my old college roommate. Like, where is that? Right?

Like my hope is that people can have that conversation because it's not real, didn't happen. Right? Right. But the second order, I think in our current ethos and our current world, if you have a feeling Or if you have a fantasy if you have an idea that pops into your head as a resolution for a real-life Challenge or even forget the challenge. I just want to I want to feel powerful. I want to I want to experience

Whatever puppet mastering right? That it's somehow wrong to not do it. And I guess I've just sat in the ash of I thought this was a good idea. So much with so many different people, man. And so what you just told me was way, way more powerful than the idea of I wanna open up my marriage or I'm kind of turned on by the idea of having the kind of husband

that would be so desirable that other women would be with them and I get to be the gatekeeper. Like that fantasy is not uncommon by the way. And it's not, what do I say? It doesn't make you crazy or weird, but I'm way more compelled by the story underneath it say it doesn't make you crazy or weird. But I'm way more compelled by the story underneath it that you've lost your identity that you had as a woman because now your body is a factory, it's a machine to keep two kids

alive and you've lost your what you believe is Eros and womanhood and you've lost connection and you don't look like you used to. Your husband admits to you I'm kind of ashamed of how I look now that to me is My goodness, I wish you could see from where I'm sitting how rich that soil is for y'all to to build a new marriage from Because the marriage as you had it is over It's gone. Mm-hmm. It was awesome Because the marriage as you had it is over.

It's gone. It was awesome. And now the choice is, do you want to blow it up or do you want to create a new kind, a different kind of awesome? We get to pick that. And so my natural next question is, have you gone to a physical therapist and said, hey, I want to have lots and lots of

reckless wild sex and every time in this position, my legs hurt, my back hurts, I want to go down a rabbit hole and figure this out. Not for not to quote unquote please my man because I want it. Right. Not a physical therapist, but I am in like I'm in Cairo and who does She also does physical therapy like exercises and stuff. I'm in that three days a week working other therapies Not yet. Okay. How long I? Have been oh gosh

It's been probably five or six months, but about two months ago I got into a car accident which made it worse. So now I'm kind of starting over basically when I wasn't really making much progress to begin with. I would love for you to make an appointment if you can afford it, even if it means skipping a chiropractic appointment for a while with a physical therapist, a trained physical therapist in the area and fully lay out, here's my challenges. Okay.

I would love for you just to explore it. Okay. I would also love you and your husband to sit down and explore. Hey, I'm sure he's got fantasies too. He's lived in this house with you also. I think those, I think in a strange way, they can be, and by the way, you can abuse people with your fantasies too, right? You can be like, I'm just trying to tell you the truth.

Right, I remember I was sitting with a young married couple and the guy was like at the mall and he's like, dude, I would love to be with her. And I'd be like, you're an idiot, right? Like he was overly graphic and like just moronic. You can hit people over the head with quote unquote truth also, right? So I would love for y'all to sit down and say, okay, here we are. I don't feel good.

I don't like how I look. You don't like how you look. We got two kids all the time. My body is not my own right now for this season. What does friendship look like? What does laughter look like? What does laughter look like? What does intimacy look like? What does, okay, having traditional, regular,

reckless sex, it's off the table right now. What else can we do? How can we get creative and make the creativity part of the playfulness and part of the novelty? And I think it's exploring what does novelty look like, because novelty is important. What does novelty look like inside the bounds of this covenant you and I made that it's you and I ride or die till the end of time? Do you get what I'm saying? I do. I'm just taking it all in. Because it used to be a thing, I mean my

husband and I used to tease each other all the time and like kind of provoke, you know, provoke each other throughout the day for that buildup. It's that sense of aliveness. How do I get my heart rate up? Yep. And I think what the data tells me is the illusion is once a heart rate settles in inside of a marriage relationship, the only way to get my heart rate back up is to go seek it elsewhere, whether it's pornography, whether it is an extramarital affair or it's just big time flirting or it is fantasies that slowly possibly open the door to reality.

And I think the challenge, which I think is the best part, not the best part of being married, but one of the top parts is what kind of crazy adventure can two people go on that they are constantly trying to out heart rate raise each other? I like that heart rate raise. What an amazing adventure. That's awesome. But that means you'll have both have to be able to talk. And that's why I love the fact that you're already able to say, I've got this like weird

fantasy that makes no sense logically. Let's put on a table. And I needed I want to affirm you, every email blog, I mean, every blog you read, every sub stack you read, every everything's going to tell you to go do it. It's the new cool thing. And I just I think you're gonna blow it all up. Yeah, I'm not convinced. Well, and that's why I wanted to call

cause I'm not convinced it is the actual right quote unquote thing to do. It's a Xanax to cover up the fact that you love this man to the moon and back. I do. And you don't feel like you're enough. And then God bless America, come find out he doesn't feel like he's enough.

Yeah. And so I'm gonna outsource how I feel. I'm gonna feel a little powerful in the process and he's gonna go along with something he didn't wanna do cause he wants to love me. And then you're gonna be sitting in the ash going, what have we done? Cause you can't walk that one back

right But man you want to talk about some amazing erotic energy It's two people sitting down across the table being like well. We blew our lives up. We have two young kids. Oh Yeah, now we get to do it. We get to do whatever we want moving forward What is raising your heart rate look like in this season? What is you feeling alive in this season look like? Well, for me, it's sex with the lights off for a while because, you know, right? It's put on the table. And then it's like, all right, well, you used to send flirty text and they don't do it for me anymore.

But you know what does do it for me anymore? Just a note in my bag, in my briefcase. You look at me in the eyes and grabbing my face and saying, tonight I'm going to figure something out. It's going to be different, but I'll figure something out. You better come home ready. You know what I'm saying? Or calling and leaving awful things on his answering machine.

I don't know. You get to decide what it is. Right? Who knows what it is? Answering machine. I like how you said answering machine. I know, I'm 114 years old. That's awesome.

Yeah, I want you to show up on a pony with a letter, right? I don't know. But you all get to decide that. And underneath almost all of our fantasies is always a fear, is always a desire. And where I see marriage, the reason I have so much faith in marriage

is that when you have two people locked in into the curiosity over judgment, not just cramming each other's desire underwater or burying it or burying it in concrete or shaming somebody, but saying, that sounds nuts. Tell me more. Let's dig into that. All right. All right. I'll hear your dream. Gonna be all right. Let's do it. And I can feel my like, dude, I'm trying to feel like crazy jealous. I'm starting to get

angry. Like, why is that? Where's that? Digging into those conversations, that's intimacy. And everybody listening to this, talking about fantasies is not something you just wing at somebody. Talking about like, you had a crazy dream that did not include you and it was uncomfortable and weird and I didn't like it. Or I kind of was like, got my heart rate all up weird.

Oh my gosh, Tell me about that like There's a way to not weaponize that and to not be graphic and to not be overly Abusive with it What's a lean into curiosity and lean into fun and lean into huh, but I just want to Dawn I want to tell you, you're not crazy. I don't think you're nuts. I think your leap has an algorithm to it. It makes sense, but I want to reverse that algorithm.

I don't want to just blow your life up. I want you to look in the mirror and say, no, no, no. I'm still an amazing woman. It looks different now. My life is different. My body's different. My body's different. My heart's the same. I'm worth feeling well. I'm worth pursuing sex intimacy because I want it. My husband's worth that because I love him and I like it with him. So what

must be true? Let's move forward. Let's go start working through all of it and we can do this together. Thank you for that call, Don. It's pretty impressive, pretty amazing. Appreciate you calling and being open and vulnerable. I'm 100% sure that your vulnerability is gonna help a whole, whole lot of people. Don't blow your life up, kid. Thank you, y'all got a pretty amazing marriage ahead of ya. We'll be right back.

This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. All right, the month of November is all about gratitude. And most of us have a person we'd like to shout out for helping us along the way. I'd like to take a moment to shout out two people who have helped transform my life. The great Marilyn Fannin and the powerful Dr. Jean-Noel Thompson. Marilyn gave me a chance professionally when no one should have. And she brought me along and taught me poise

and professionalism and she challenged me. And Jean Noel taught me how to be a dad and a husband and a professional and how to balance the seemingly impossible weight of caring for a whole bunch of people all at the same time. Big time thanks to Marilyn and Jean Noel. And for all of you listeners, I know you have people in your life

that you are grateful for. And I hope that you stop and thank them at least every once in a while. But for all of us, there's one person that we often don't take time to think, ourselves. We don't always acknowledge that we're surviving, we're inching and moving forward, and most of us are grinding towards a better life,

better relationships, and hopefully a better world. And in a world where everything's gone bonkers, thinking ourselves is not easy. So here's my reminder. Thank the people in your life, including you. And sometimes we need more than just a thank you. We need some professional and thank you. We need some professional and personal help. We need to talk to someone who is trained to

help us discover true gratitude for ourselves and others, especially in the holiday season. And that's why I recommend my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is a hundred percent online therapy and you can talk with your therapist when it's convenient for your schedule. You get online and you fill out a short survey and you get matched with a licensed therapist and you can talk with your therapist when it's convenient for your schedule. You get online and you fill out a short survey and you get matched with a licensed therapist and you can switch therapists at any time for no extra cost. Let the gratitude flow this holiday season with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash deloney. That's betterhelp. H-E-L-P dot com slash deloney. Hey everybody, fall is here and that means no!

No pumpkin spice! Please, no more pumpkin spice. Fall means that I get to spend every waking moment in my flannel and soft denim shirts from Poncho, the world's best performance shirts for men. All Poncho shirts are great and their flannels and soft denims kind of remind me of when I was younger and I wanted to be in Soundgarden and Pearl Jam, but the real reason I love Poncho flannels and their denims is because they're super soft yet durable and they're incredibly comfortable. They have a little bit of stretch so they move with you not against you and they dry so quickly. And they have slim and regular

fits for different body types and you can wear these shirts for your outdoor adventures, for outdoor work, and off to dinner with your wife or to a concert with your friends. Poncho shirts will make amazing gifts for the men in your family this holiday season. Head to ponchooutdoors.com and check out all their styles. Enter code DELONI at checkout to get a free t-shirt or a hat with any purchase of a button down shirt. That's ponchooutdoors.com code DELONI. All right, let's go out to Sacramento, California

and talk to Lynn. Hey Lynn, what's going on? Hi Dr. John, thanks for taking my call. Hey Lynn, what's going on? Hi, Dr. John, thanks for taking my call. Of course, what's up? Well, my question is, my parents lived in our property and they've been with us for about a year. How exactly do I navigate setting a boundary with them

to move off of our property and also kind of maintain the integrity of our relationship as it can get a little rocky with my mom at times. You can't do both. Yes. You can keep your integrity. Or let me say this, integrity comes from the, I don't want to be too nerdy, it's integer, it's whole, right? So you can't both

Tell your parents I want you to not live on our property anymore Mm-hmm and also be responsible for the totality of that relationship because it's it's two of you or it's three of you Mm-hmm. What you can do is treat your mom and Is your dad involved too? That's my stuff dad. Yeah Okay, so you can treat both of them with dignity and respect. You can give them a timeline. You can put it all in writing. You can be very, very clear. But if they want to act like children and whiny babies and throw a fit, then they get

to do that too. Gotcha, because it's kind of what's happening. I set the boundary about a week ago and I expressed to them, my husband and I, the last few years has been really rough. Um, you know, we were taking care of my husband's dad for a while who had chronic, you know, he had kidney problems and we're doing dialysis for him for two years and then he passed unfortunately in the home. And then, um, a couple of months after that, my husband's mother got really sick. I quit my job, took care of her for four months in the home. And then she started doing better.

Thank God, miraculously, she's back doing so much better. But then my mom and stepdad show up and he, you know, my dad needed to have some medical procedures done to take care of some things. And we told them, yes, it's absolutely absolutely fine you can stay in the RV on our property until you get everything taken care of. Well that time has passed and it's been about a year now and my husband and I really just need a break. We need our space and I just can't emotionally cater to my mom like I used to when I was a kid. She's literally the only person

on the face of the planet I have a hard time setting a boundary with. So, it just makes it difficult. When you... For some reason, and I don't know why, the way you're using the phrase, I need to set a boundary, you need to set a boundary, that almost like... I don't know. I don't know that that's the right word here. I'm just I don't know why I'm just kind of stuck. I just keep looping on me. Mm-hmm. Let's get a little more businessy. Okay. Your parents need to move off your property.

Yes. And there's it's it doesn't need to be this I gotta set a boundary and there's this big like modern psychological intervention. Like I need my mom and dad to move off my property. They stayed for a year and I need to ask them what their plan is. So when you talk to them a week ago, what'd they say? Well, I expressed why and they said that they understood and the conversation seemed like it went really well.

I think the hardest thing I'm struggling with is my mom's reaction because she can be extremely childish. And she decided to take a picture of my stepdad while I guess he was in bed, I guess upset about me asking them to leave. And she sent me a picture and then she said, you broke his heart. Like a few hours after we'd had the conversation, which I had thought had gone really well and was very understood. Sure. Okay, so let's go to right that moment.

You get that text from your mom. You even described it to me as childish, right? It's what my 14 year old would do. Yes. And he's, it's not childish as though it's just very immature. I'm gonna send a picture to somebody. You see what I'm saying?

Like, okay, cool. So it happened. Yes. What can you control in that moment? My reaction. There you go. And so let me give you, let me give you, hold on, let me give you permission. You get to be really sad.

Yeah. It's not get to be really sad Yeah, it's not supposed to be like that. You gave your parents a year and You want parents that are rooting for you so hard That they're like dude. We've been here a year. We got to go. Y'all need your life back Y'all been caring for adults for the last five years You need a break Yeah, that's how supposed to be and you are supposed to be like no no no no y'all can keep living here been caring for adults for the last five years, you need a break. Yeah. That's how it's supposed to be.

And you are supposed to be like, no, no, no, no, no, y'all can keep living here. It's fine because they're so great to have around. That's the fantasy, right? Yeah, it is. So you get to be sad about that. And you don't have to respond. Yeah, I think I did respond and I said, you know, it was never intended to be that way and I'm really sorry.

Yeah. And the problem with that response, which is actually honest and good and whatever is it opens the door a little bit. Oh, you never intended to? Well, you did. So let's make it right. Right. And it's like, no, no, no, no, we're not going to make it right.

We are making it right. Did you give them a date? I told them that, you know, we wanted to have within the next month, you know, our own space and have you guys have a plan. But I know that, you know, they live full time in their RV. They are in very limited income. So they do have to save up a little bit and prep for where they're gonna go.

And that was the biggest thing for me asking them to leave is because I know that they really and truly don't have another home base to go to. But I just, it's just not really, I was getting to the point where I was feeling like, this isn't my responsibility because you're in dire straits financially. Like I've helped out as much as I can, but at some point, like there's just an end to that and I just can't keep Doing it for them because it's been like this off and on even in my previous marriage The same thing kind of happened, you know eight years ago

How old are they My stepdad is 70. My mom is 61. Yeah, I Don't want to be crass, but she's gotta go get a job. Yeah, and that's the thing, I've offered that, and she has got a lot of, and this is the thing that she likes to throw on my head to make me feel sorry for her, and I hate saying it like that,

but where it comes off from her is is that she's had a really traumatic life and gone through a lot of things. And so she just states like, I have social anxiety. I'm absolutely incapable of, she can't go to the grocery store by herself. Like she just, but she won't go to therapy. And, um, you know, it's, it's been a round and round circle to where she clings to my stepdad and like, he can't even leave the room without her like wondering where he's at needing him to be right there. She definitely needs a lot of like help you know therapy wise but she just hasn't made that a priority for herself. She likes to use

it as the the whole world hates me everyone's against me and I'm gonna sit in that. I'm sorry. me and I'm going to sit in that. I'm sorry. Yeah, it makes it really rough. I wish I had a better answer for you. I'm heartbroken for you. I'm sorry. Yeah, I think the path forward is if you and your husband have decided like it's time for you all to go, then what I would tell you is clear as kind.

Here's the date. Here's the date. Here's our expectation. And then I think it's worth you and your husband exploring what are we actually going to do? We going to evict them? Are we going to have their trailer towed off our property to a nearby place? Like what is the or what here? Because if there is no or what, if we're not gonna actually do that,

we're not gonna actually kick them off, then I'd go ahead and exhale and make peace. They may never leave. Or no, no, no, no, no, we're at a place we're gonna have them towed off of here. Okay, let them know that on this date, this is the drop dead date, we're gonna have your trailer towed.

I'll help you get a job, I'll help you with counseling, I'll help you with these other things, but I can't participate in this anymore. Yeah, sorry Lynn, I hate to have for you. You can control what you do, but you can't control the impact on the relationship. That's something you'll have to do together. And often when we draw, like you said, concrete boundaries boundaries or we make tough business decisions, other people make choices on their own. Thanks for the call. We'll be right back. November can be bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S. We have the normal November madness that comes with colder weather, family dynamics at the

holidays, figuring out Christmas plans, and why not this year we also have an election. So we all need an extra helping of peace. And one of the easiest ways to get that peace is with the help of Hallow, the number one prayer and meditation app in the world. I use Hallow every day and it's become something I truly value. And Hallow has thousands of guided prayers and meditations and countless ways you can learn about faith,

get answers to some of your hardest questions and help you grow closer to God. And this month, they have a special election week prayer challenge called One Nation Under God. And the guide for the challenge includes trusted spiritual leaders who will really help us connect with God during a truly divisive chaotic time. And where the media is probably going to continue to try to divide us, Hallow is here to remind us that we're all God's children and that politics of the day will not have the final say.

And be on the lookout for the upcoming Advent Prayer 25 Challenge that will make the lead up to Christmas truly special. So download the Hallow app and head over to Hallow.com slash Deloney and use the app for three months for free. That's three free months at Hallow.com slash Deloney. All right, let's go out to Minnesota and talk to Jose. Hey, Jose, what's up, man?

Hey, John. Thanks for having me on. You got it, brother. What's up? So I was calling because the question I have is how can I support my wife and help her find rest between being a full-time nurse and then raising kids? Are you a full-time nurse or she's a full-time nurse? She is.

She is. Okay. What do you do, man? I work for a fintech company, I work from home. Okay, so what's the question beneath this question? Well, I don't know, like she, you know, my wife, she works long hours and she's just really tired a lot, you know, she's, I feel like she's running on fumes most of the time. And I feel bad because I try to help

and sometimes I don't know how she wants to be helped or how to help her in general. So have you said, hey honey, I would love to help out around here and I don't know how to help. Can you give me a roadmap for the help that you need? Not like that, no. All right, what about your marriage

makes that question scary? Cause that seems like the most logical, that's actually like a FinTech question. Like what's the next test to run? Yeah, no, I don't know, I'm not sure. I mean, yeah, I guess I just haven't asked it like that. We've had conversations about like how I can help more, but I guess there's times where I feel,

I mean, there's times where I offer, you know, things on how to help, but then it's like not really received or it's kind of like- That's, that's, that was a nice way of saying, I like to tell her how this should be done Yeah, yeah, that's true. Yeah. So here's where I think you can get beneath it in above it at the same time. Okay And I don't know how that's logically possible, but I just made that up so go with me, okay It's not geographically possible

How old your little baby We have to so we have a four-year-old and a two-year-old. Okay, so graphically possible. How old's your little baby? We have two, so we have a four year old and a two year old. Okay, so, rest, drop your shoulders from your ears and rest assured that with a four year old and a two year old and two full time working parents, one working from home, one working in a helping profession, it's got its own secondary trauma attached to it.

So, exhale and know that you're not crazy, that your sex life has blown up. You feel like you've lost your best friend in the chaos of just diapers and exchanges and who's picking up what and I got to get this kid to what and this one needs to eat and can you pick up this on the way home? Like, you're not crazy. And also realize that she probably misses you too. Yeah. And there's something powerful

about a couple getting away from this madness, even if it's for two or three hours and calling out. And you can let her listen to this call because it sounds like you love her and you're trying to figure out how do I help, right? Yeah. And I want to applaud you before I start lecturing. I'm gonna listen to this call because it sounds like you love her and you're trying to figure out how do I help, right? Yeah. And I wanna applaud you before I start lecturing.

I wanna applaud you. What I did in your exact situation, we had one kid in several pregnancy losses, okay? What I did in your situation was I understood that I didn't know what was going on or how to. And so I figured the best way I could help my family was just to go make a bunch of. And so I figured the best way I could help my family was just to go make a bunch of money. And I figured the best gift I could give my wife

and my new kid was to not be around. And I want to applaud you for being a man who's not doing that. You're trying to figure ways to plug back in and it's like, you're trying to find a plug behind the bed and you're just like trying to find where the outlet is. and you're just like jamming it up against the sheetrock and it won't go into the outlet. I applaud you for not just dropping it and saying I'm just going to go without light for a while. Good for you. Yeah.

Okay. So I think there's great power and grieving and joy and excitement and fear all of those things together By y'all to get in a way and saying, okay Everything about our marriage is different now We don't have the same marriage we did now we have two kids Now we have to put sex on the calendar now if you put exercise in the calendar now we have to have like be more intentional about budgeting money Now we have to be more intentional about not taking the next promotion without talking

about it with each other or just taking overtime without talking about it with each other because every move we have affects three people, not just one. Yep. And here's the beautiful thing. Y'all get to pick what coming next looks like. And I think it's in this context where you sit down and you say, I knew how to love you. We dated for a while, we were married for a while. I knew how to love you.

And I want you to help me with the new roadmap to helping you feel loved. How can I best love you and these two kids in this wild new season? And by the way, as soon as you slowly get the handle of this, it's gonna change. Then one of your kids is gonna start elementary school and then the other kid is gonna just start smearin' cha-cha

on the walls just because why not, right? It's gonna continue to change and continue to change and continue to change. And that to me has become my favorite part of my marriage is the back to the drawing board. All right, we get to build the next one. All right, we get to build a new one. And it's exhausting sometimes.

I don't love it all the time, because I like consistency, but man, I've just come to love. All right, we've never been married with a high school kid. Yeah. What does that look like? What do you want it to look like? What do you want it to feel like?

And then reverse engineering it, which is your specialty and making it happen. That's amazing, right? But you have to be like and then reverse engineering it, which is your specialty and making it happen. That's amazing, right? But you have to be vulnerable and say, I don't know how. That's true. That's true. I don't know how. Well, and that can be scary for her.

And also, man, what a gift to have a husband that says, I want to be all in and I don't know how to do this next this next phase. Will you give me a roadmap back to your heart? Yeah. And by the the way here's mine I miss my wife yeah it's good is that fair no I think it is for sure okay yeah yeah absolutely I think it's been you know I mean it's we seem always so busy and we don't really get a ton of time together to have those type of conversations and so, you know, everything happened so fast.

Yes. We weren't expecting our first daughter. It wasn't planned or anything. So you know, part of you misses having, you know, that time with your significant other that you didn't really have. Jose, all of me misses that. Yeah, yeah, no think it's been a struggle. Okay. This is that yeah. Yeah No, it's it. Yeah, so it's hard. You know, it's a process to get

You know all in on the new season. Yes, and but you that's why I say you guys spend some time in grief I want you all to hold hands and look across the table and be like remember we just had sex all over the place Whatever. Remember we had all this we didn't have any money, but we felt like we had a million dollars. Remember we could just like watch the office until we fell asleep. Remember that? And now we have to like, you know, like I totally like it's okay to miss those days with all your guts. It's okay. you don't have to like hedge it. It doesn't mean you don't love your kids and you don't love the new world y'all are gonna create together.

In fact, I would say the more you pretend, it's like, well, you know, but now we've got these kids, we love them, we love, it's not honest. Right. And so almost like there'd be cool, I don't know if y'all have done this, and I don't mean this in a negative way, and do it with a smile on your face. Not like a funeral, but you know like a celebration of life when somebody's passed away and they

had like this, they're just fun and they're old and they had a great life and they're like, I want to have a dance, I want to have a celebration of life. I almost think you guys should have a celebration of before kids. Let's just put a marker in it. That was awesome Yeah, and now we get to create a different kind of awesome Yeah and Nobody in Hollywood tells you that the best sex you're gonna have is sex on a calendar

Right Yeah, and nobody tells you that the most intimate nine o'clock time together starts with a 630 a.m. emptying the dishwasher. Nobody tells you that. Nobody tells you that, that a peel the wallpapers off Friday night starts with a previous Sunday night. Hey, you want to go through the budget and the calendar for this week?

Like nobody tells you that. Right. Nobody tells you how caught off guard, erotic it is to watch your husband throw the diapers away and take the trash out. You know what I mean? Nobody tells you that stuff. And so it's a matter of sitting down saying,

what does intimacy look like to us now? Can we get to decide? I wanna commit to a date night. We don't have any money, cool. I'm gonna commit to a walk. Right? We don't have enough money for babysitters, cool. I want to, my son used to do this.

He used to get hired and he was like 10. And all he did was play with the four-year-old Or the three or whatever that how old the kid was in the house with the parents there with a mom or dad there But it was just enough To take the attention away Yep, right. Like let's figure it out Because I love you and you love me and let's build something rad in you Yeah

That's fair. That is for sure. Dude, I'm proud of you brother. And if nothing else, I think a final question I used to always ask, I do, I still do, ask every boss of mine is how do you want me to give you bad news or hard to hear news? Ask every one of my supervisors that how do you want me to tell you that and the most thoughtful supervisors have ever had have gone, huh? Well and they like top of their heads say Shoot me a text and let me know that we need to talk. I'd really do it in person I don't like to be surprised. I don't like to do this

Always come to me with a solution when you're coming to me with a problem. Like whatever their thing is, I work for them. And so I want to bring that to it. I think it's important here to say, hey, and this is new, cause this isn't like Jose. I was nervous to ask you how I can help.

I didn't know how to ask you how I could love you best in this season with two kids. It's chaos and you're working full time and all that. How do you want me to ask in the future when I'm unsure? Because I want to make sure I honor you with even how I ask, much less what I ask. And man, you guys are off to the races. If you have a four-year-old and a two-year-old,

your life should feel like it exploded because it did. The only question is, what world are you two going to build starting tomorrow? Because you all get to choose. You get to choose what happens next. Thanks for the call, my brother. We'll be right back.

Hey, it's Jelone from my friends at Helix, the makers of the best mattresses in the universe. I've spent most of my adult life on borrowed mattresses or some of the cheapest mattresses available or some other mattresses that over promised and under delivered and I've been hot, I've tossed and turned and I've struggled with sleep for most of my adult life. Sleeping on my Helix mattress has transformed my sleep. I'm getting into new levels of deep restorative sleep and they're super comfortable. Everyone in my home sleeps on a Helix mattress and now because I won't shut up about it,

my friends and my extended family are reaching out and getting Helix mattresses too. And listen, all my friends and family are different just like all of you are different. Everyone sleeps in their own unique way. So Helix has created different mattress models designed for side sleepers and stomach sleepers and back sleepers, models for everyone.

And if your spine needs some love and a little extra TLC, they have mattresses for you too. Plus Helix offers a hundred night trial and all Helix mattresses come with either a 10 or 15 year warranty. Just take the Helix Sleep Quiz online, just I did and you're going to find the perfect mattress for you and your sleep preference and it takes less than like 2 minutes. And here's the best part, right now Helix is offering my listeners early access to their

Black Friday sale. It's 25% off all mattress orders plus a free bedding bundle. Go to helixsleep.com slash deloney for details and to save 25%. That's helixsleep.com slash deloni for details and to save 25% That's helixsleep.com slash deloni with helix better sleep starts right now All right, we are back and Questions for humans editions are back questions for humans Thanksgiving and Christmas editions go pick them up and we got questions for humans friends Thanksgiving and Christmas editions, go pick them up. And we got Questions for Humans, Friends, Parents and Kids, and Couples, volume 3. Volume 3, all new questions for you this holiday season.

And we have a new Questions for Humans deck coming out in just a few weeks. So actually by the time you get this, they'll already know about Questions for Humans Intimacy Deck. Oh yeah! Oh yeah. Oh yeah. And listen, also, y'all know I work for Ramsey Solutions. We're giving away 500 bucks in weekly prizes over this new season with a grand prize of 5,000 bucks.

Just giving away cash for the holidays, because why not? Because we love you. Go to ramsysolutions.com slash giveaway. ramsysolutions.com slash giveaway. There's going to be a whole bunch of other holiday deals at ramsysolutions.com at the store. Check out all the questions for humans. All new friends, parents, couples decks, the intimacy deck, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's. Go check them out, ramsaysolutions.com slash giveaway or ramsaysolutions.com slash store. Thank you all so much for being with us today.

We love you, stay in school. Don't do drugs, make some plans for the holidays and live into them. And be nice during the election season. God help us all. Love you, bye.