The Dr. John Delony Show - I Shop To Make Myself Feel Better

Episode Date: August 16, 2023

On today’s show, we hear about: A woman who shops to make herself feel better A wife hiding her addiction from her husband A friend wondering how to navigate broken friend groups To pre-order John's new book Building a Non-Anxious Life click here. Enter The Ramsey Cash Giveaway for a chance to win $3,000!  https://bit.ly/TDJDSgvwy Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show.  Support Our Sponsors: BetterHelp DreamCloud Hallow Thorne Add products to your cart create an account at checkout Receive 25% off ALL orders Resources: Anxiety Test Own Your Past, Change Your Future Questions for Humans Conversation Cards Redefining Anxiety Quick Read John’s Free Guided Meditation Listen to all The Ramsey Network podcasts anytime, anywhere in our app. Download at: https://apple.co/3eN8jNq These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately. Learn more about your ad choices. https://www.megaphone.fm/adchoices Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. I have been abusing pain medication for over four years now. Prescription pain medication. My husband and my family don't know that I'm taking opioid pain medication. First of all, thank you for saying that out loud. I'm really proud of you. What in the world is going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show, where we take real calls from real people who are struggling with their mental health,

with their marriages, with daily decisions, daily choices, with their emotional health, with their kids, with a million things. All of us are going through nonsense in this world that's kind of gone a little mad. And this show is designed to be a light in the darkness. And my promise is I'm going to sit with you in the darkness and we're going to figure out the next step. We're going to create a path out of this thing. And it might be a long, long journey or it might be a light switch, but we're going to figure out how we can get some light back in the darkness. If you want to be on the show, go to

johndeloney.com slash ask, A-S-K, johndeloney.com slash ask, and huge news, pre-order from my brand new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life. If you've been ride or die with our show, you know I've been talking about this for a long, long time, The way we are handling mental health, chronic burnout, stress, all this stuff that we hear everywhere, all over the place, what we're doing is not working. And this book is a deep dive into what the problem is. And more importantly, what do we do next? What is the path out of here? In this book, I've distilled it down to make it as simple as possible. It's not a textbook. I am a super nerd. This is the least nerdy book I could write. It's not full of a million citations. It's not full of a million big, fancy, you know, PhD words. I tried to make this as simple as possible for moms and dads like you and like me who just want to do better for our

kids who want to have some peace in our lives. This book is for you. So go to johndeloney.com, 20 bucks for the pre-order and you get a whole bunch of other stuff, including an automatic download of a talk I gave recently on one of the chapters in the book, which I'm just super hyped about. So go to johndeloney.com and check it out. Okay. Right before we came on, you used to wrap houses when you were a kid. Yeah. We used to go for those that don't know what that means.

Toilet papering houses. Right. And just, just if you don't know what that means, you just get like five, 10 or me and my friend's case, 90 rolls of toilet paper and you throw them as high as you can up in the trees and they gravity

brings it down and you just keep throwing it back up until it's just covered just google wrapping houses or toilet papering houses it was amazing it was an art form back yeah and the best was if it would rain overnight oh and then the next morning your mom was like clean it up so incredible but so a friend of mine and i we had this like war going on my senior year of high school where pretty much every other weekend, one of us was doing, wrapping the other's house. And my crowning achievement was I forked his entire front yard, which means you take plastic forks and just in a row, the entire front yard, his parents were not pleased, as you can imagine. I figured it was free aeration. People pay for that. We would take them

and stick them in and snap them off. Oh, see, that's just mean. Because we were mean. That was just not cool. Because that ruins your lawnmower place. Well, it just shoots out your lawnmower like missile.

It was not cool, dude. We took it way too far. At least we did it. Now, I did have a friend of mine that did this to me. They went and got every, like, election sign. It was election season and put them all in our front yard. We used to do all the real estate signs.

Yeah. And put 5,000 within the real estate. I get it. They got upset. Yeah, but I did get in trouble when I put shaving cream on his yard and I killed part of his front yard. Oh, that's – His parents were pleased.

Nope, that's just the cost of doing business. That's what I figured. We went way, way, way too far one year, and we just kind of killed it for everybody. My two favorite moments, one time my dad, I was a kid, and I was asleep, and some teenagers were wrapping our house, and my dad woke me up, and he goes,

hey, get up, come here. And I didn't know what it was, and he goes, come here. And I could see something was up and he was crouched down and we snuck out the back door and I thought it was so cool, man. And he handed me the hose and he goes, on the count of three, and he had a huge bucket full of water. And he goes, one, two, and he started whistling and screaming and we ran around the house. And I thought I was the coolest guy of all time ever. And my other one was my dad had a great friend who's an attorney named Tim Power calling his name out on this show. Guys, awesome. Guys, awesome. Tim Power. To say we annihilated his house is the understatement.

I think we had an entire case of toilet paper, which back then was 90 rolls. It looked like it had a blizzard across his house. And as one that we left and I was pretty proud of myself, like, like that's going to be so awful to clean up. Like I wouldn't want to be them. We went home and there was literally no reason. This is unprovoked. This is just me and a couple of teenage buddies. Like let's just take a guy who's really great to us. And it's a good friend with my dad and let's just ruin his entire week And so we went in toilet paper at his house obnoxiously Next morning like at eight o'clock. I have a knock on my door And it's him it's tim power

I was like, oh you're dead you got busted and he goes Hey, man, i'm in a real bind. Can you help me out? And I was like, what happened? He goes, my house got like well done wrapped last night. I have this thing coming up. Can I hire you to go clean it up? And I was like, yes, you can. So I cleaned it up and he paid me a bunch of money. It was awesome. And I waited like five years, maybe even longer than that. In fact, Tim, this is it. This is me confessing. This is my confession. I'm just telling you. That was me.

That was me. And he paid for it. Quite impressive. It was good. It makes me sad that teenagers today, because of doorbell cameras and all that, won't get to do that. If you wrapped a house today, they would call the cops. Because it used to be, it wasn't like you did it to people you didn't like. It was people you liked.

It was your friends. Oh, it was so fun. And if you woke up in your house and had toilet paper, you were like, eh. It was so fun. We had police officers drive by. They'd honk the horn. They'd turn their lights on. I have run hidden bushes from police officers.

It's like a crowning achievement if your house gets TPed. It was. It was like a, oh, my God, I have friends. I got friends. People love me. Yeah. Yeah. Maybe I'll kiss somebody one day it's gonna happen kelly you keep wishing kelly it's coming all right let's go out to reno nevada and talk to is it lila lila what's up lila hi how are you doing doctor we are partying how about you um i'm okay kind of like nervous.

I can't believe I'm on the show. Don't be nervous at all. The show's not even that great. What's up? So I kind of like had a question. Maybe hopefully you can help me figure it out, how to kind of like control my feelings. I get, I feel like doubt easy.

Like if I text someone and they don't text me back i like i start imagining the wars um and i start shopping stuff randomly like whenever i feel like i'm not good enough i start buying stuff randomly it's not extremely like thousands of dollars but i don't like it like i buy stuff that i don't need and then i'm like i shouldn't like it. Like I buy stuff that I don't need. And then I'm like, I shouldn't buy it. Why did I buy it? And then I start like, kind of like making me feel even worse because like I'm spending money that there's no need. And so I like, I start feeling down and then I don't know. Yeah.

You almost get into that shame cycle, right? Where you buy something that you know you don't need, but it makes you feel a little bit better. And then you feel guilty that you bought it and then you feel ashamed when it shows up and then you get low and the only way to make you feel better is that you think is you go buy something else and the whole thing starts over again so it's like a circle and it never gets to the point to feel good sure and i'm like it's like i i listen a lot to your show and a lot of shows like um you know to self-improvement or minimalist and stuff like that.

And I'm like, I know I don't need this. But at the moment, I feel like, oh, this is what's going to make me happy. I know it doesn't. Yeah, well, I'm really, really grateful that you called. That means a lot. Let's back out a little bit. I'm going to talk more about feeling low. How long have you felt low?

It's not all the time. And that's another thing that I feel ashamed of. I'm married and my husband is amazing. He knows all this. Like I can talk to him about this kind of stuff and he's always there for me. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Hey. Okay.

I need you to hear me say this it's okay if you get down and it's okay to feel anxious you're not there's not something wrong with you you're not broken it doesn't mean you're a bad wife it doesn't mean you don't love your husband

it doesn't mean your husband's not great here's the deal it just simply means your body's trying to get your attention for some reason and what we want to do is we want to get to, what's my body trying to tell me? And you hear how there's no shame in that. There's no guilt in that. It's just pure curiosity.

I wonder why that is. And I would wonder, do you have some girlfriends in your life, some women in your life that you go do things with, that you hang out with? Or are you lonely? No, no, no, I do. Tell me about them. They're great. I'm not the one that if I had a problem, I'd call.

I usually just talk to my husband. But we hang out often, I call. I usually, I just talk to my husband. But we hang out like often, like at least, we have different friends, like, you know, work and outside of work and stuff like that. So, I hang out with. Do you have little ones? I'm sorry? Do you have kids?

Do you have little ones? Yeah, one. Tell me about them. She's good, she's great. You know, she's a kid. She have her moment, the patience. she's good, she's great she's a kid, she has her moments the patience, it's a little bit push but she's a great kid

she had a good hour so I remember it was a huge moment for me when I started tracking backwards for me, I think I've talked about this on the show all the time. I don't have a lot of impulse shopping sometimes, but not usually. Usually my issue is I go to junk food. I go to trash, like unhealthy food.

And it was such a revelation to me when I realized that almost every time I go, I'm either super exhausted, and there's a lot of real clear literature that suggests the more tired you are, the more hungry, and the poorer the food choices you make. But almost always, there was some sort of relational issue. I was frustrated with my wife. My kids were driving me crazy. I was super annoyed with somebody at work, and I found myself mindlessly grabbing junk food. And I'm sure I could go down a rabbit hole and figure out the physiology. I didn't really care what the physiology was. I just needed to know that the trigger had something to do with when my body felt exposed or lonely or disconnected from folks. So going along those same lines, I would ask you the times you can think back to when you

have felt the need to sit down and impulse shop to buy something. What usually starts that domino hits that first domino that just rolls the rest of them down. Um, if I can, like, if I, like, think about it, it's usually either, yeah, I'm stressed at work or I've had an argument with my husband or with my kids. Or I feel like, and I don't know why, like, I feel like if I had a friend and I text, you know, and if, I know everyone's busy, everyone had their life, but in my head it's like if they don't text me within a few hours, I was like, oh, are they mad at me? Did I do anything? And I'm like, and I keep going, like, I don't remember saying or doing anything, but I'm like, oh, but maybe I did and I didn't realize.

And then that's when I feel like the anxiety. And then I'm like, I just got online and I start just looking around on things to try to distract my mind. And then I end buying things that I don't need. And I just, you know, they look good. These look cool. I can do this with this. Yeah. Oh, of course.

I mean, man, you could talk yourself into rationalizing any of those things in the moment, right? So I want to back out and give you six categories I want you to look at in your life, okay? And you don't have to write these down because they'll be available when the show comes out. But the six categories I would line out for you is the first thing I would sit down and I would ask you to choose reality, to really be honest about the reality of several situations okay and you for any number of reasons and i'm sure you and i could talk for a long long long long time but you have in your disposition that you're going to make sure everybody sees a beautiful picture even if things are really hard behind that picture.

Is that true? Yes. Yes. I have a feeling that if your husband was really mean to you one day, nobody would ever, ever, ever know. Or if you were really, really exhausted and frustrated with your kid, no one would ever, ever know. Because you have become so gifted over the course of time, probably because with your kid, no one would ever, ever know. Because you have become

so gifted over the course of time, probably because you had to, at smiling and saying, oh, sure, it's fine. Everything's fine. Because you don't want to be a burden to anybody. And so I'd ask you to look at reality. Like, what is the state of your marriage for real? What's the state of your workplace for real? What's the state of your workplace for real? What's your state of your friendships for real being a parent your relationship with your parents? I want you to look at the landscape of the relationships in your life. That's number one And your workplace all that stuff number two is I want you to begin to choose Freedom to look for places where other people

are deciding what you do. That might be if you owe money to somebody, that might be in-laws that are making demands of you, that might be a calendar that is super full and out of control, that might be any number of things that other people are demanding of you. And you don't get to drive in the driver's seat of your own life.

The third one is connection. We talked about that earlier about relationships. You might be great on that one. Awesome. The fourth one is mindfulness. And we'll get there in a second. Really, mindfulness is simply the gap between that feeling I want to do this thing and actually doing it. Mindfulness is

I'm having this thought, but I'm not going to go through with it, right? And then the next one is belief. This idea that you've got to have something anchored into something bigger than you are? Do you have a faith, you have a faith belief system of any kind? Um, yeah, I mean, kind of, I'm not a hundred percent practice, but yeah. That's okay. Yeah. I'm not going to prescribe one to you. I'm just going to say you have to have some sense that I am not alone in the universe. I'm not, I'm not a balloon that somebody cut the string and I'm just floating off aimlessly all by myself because that body is going to always be anxious because it's going to be untethered no matter how how good it is And the last one is you got to choose health and healing that might be sleep That might be going to counseling for the first time and dealing with some childhood trauma that might be um

Any number of I got to deal with this nagging knee injury or back injury I just gotta I gotta get well and whole I gotta quit drinking 45 energy drinks in the morning before I go to work or whatever the thing is Here's here's the picture. I want you to have If your life is a cup And it's already filled to the brim with all these things. I just talked about your body's lonely You got a chaotic schedule. You got a bunch of demands on you all the time, your relationships aren't solid,

you're untethered, you're not well. Then when something happens, like your boss hollers at you or somebody cuts you off in traffic or your husband snaps at you, there's no place for that extra water to go when it gets poured into the glass and it just spills over everywhere. But if you keep the water in that glass really low,

then when life happens, when somebody pours water in it, it's got plenty of space to absorb that water, to capture that water, right? And so more practically speaking, how serious are you about stopping impulse shopping? How seriously do you just want to quit? 100%, like every time I bought something, I was like and I look, and I feel it's got better.

I used to, like, almost every month, I choose clothes. And now, like, I feel like, okay, it's been months now. But there's days that it's just, I look at it, and I said no, and then I go back to the website, and then I go back to the website and then I go back to the website and I keep like, no, I don't need it and then eventually I end up buying. So I would tell you, you're going to have to do what I had to do several years ago,

which is I had to give my debit card to my wife. I had to take it out of my possession because I didn't control myself. I couldn't control myself. And mine was always taking people to lunch. I got it. Let's go to lunch. Let's go to lunch. Let's go to lunch. I'll go get coffee. Let's go grab dinner. And so it wasn't shoes and shirts as much as it was. I was trying to buy connection with people because I didn't think people would

want to hang out with me just to hang out. And so I had to take radical steps. I disconnected Amazon prime. I didn't have access to it. I changed the code. I didn't have access. I couldn't get in. And I didn't have my debit card, so I couldn't just go buy things willy-nilly. I had some cash in my wallet, and that's what I used to spend. And when it was gone, it was gone. But there's some really easy steps you can take

to make it to where you can't just buy stuff. The harder thing will be being very mindful. When you get the impulse to stop and pull out a small little binder, a small little notebook that you might get at like Walgreens or something like that, and just write down, what is my body trying to protect me from? What is my body trying to numb out from? And probably what you're going to find

is you're having problems at work. You're exhausted. Your husband is amazing, but you could really use a lot of work at home with the kids because you're working full-time too. It can be any number of those things in those six categories, but your body's trying to just shut the system down because the glass is full. You can't take any more. And it just says, hey, let's throw this thing into neutral and we're going to head off this way and just buy some stuff. Somebody else might be cutting. Somebody else might get another drink and another drink and another drink. Somebody else might go to pornography. Somebody else might go to any number of things that we're going to do just to numb out. And I'll tell you the same thing I tell everybody, Lila. Hey, thank you so much for calling.

Hang on the line here. I'm going to send you a copy of my brand new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life. We didn't even mean to set it up this way, but it's almost just a perfect handoff for you. So I'm going to send you a copy of the book. But I tell everybody, you are worth not living a numbed out life. You are created for more than that. You're put here on earth for more than just to bandaid over how you feel, what you wanted, what you think, what you need, and just go, you're worth more than that. Your life is worth more than that.

Your marriage is worth more than that. Your time with your kids and your friends are worth more than that. Your time spent at work is worth more than that. So, Lila, I'll ask you, I'll ask everybody listening, don't settle for a numbed out life. It's worth the work to head into the storm and ask your body, what are you trying to protect me from? What are you trying to numb me out from? What are you trying to distract me from?

And I got to head right into the middle of the storm because that's where the light is. That's where the healing is. Thank you so, so much for the call, Lila. I'm so grateful that you called. I'm proud of you for calling. Hang on the line. We'll get you hooked up. Call anytime, anytime. Everybody, you're worth a peaceful, non-anxious life.

We'll be right back. All right, we're back. Let's go out to Baltimore, home of the wire, and talk to the great Melissa. What's up, Melissa? Hey, Dr. John. How are you? I'm great. How are you? Good. It's an honor to get to talk to you today. Thank you for calling. How can I help?

So I guess I'm going to cannonball in, start off saying something that I've never said out loud. And I guess I'll say it out loud to all 18 listeners. Okay. I'm going to stop you before you do it. Okay. This is kind of my rule of thumb. When anybody says, I've never said this before. Yeah.

I always want to stop them and make sure I'm the right guy okay am i the right guy i think so okay i think so if you're doing anything illegal i still have to hold you accountable for that is that cool that's cool nothing illegal okay all right so if you if you're if you're totally comfortable and for everybody listening anytime somebody, I've never told anybody this, but I need to tell you something, stop. Because if they tell you something, you might have to act on it, okay? So Melissa, I'm trusting you, and I promise I'll sit with you. Go for it.

I have been abusing pain medication for over four years now, prescription pain medication. I had a previous problem with it in my 20s. I ended up going to treatment. I was clean for five years. And then about 10 years ago, I was in a car accident and injured my spine pretty bad, ended up having to have spinal surgery and have been in pain management for about four years now. My husband and my family don't know that I'm taking opioid pain medication. I've never told them. I think because of the stigma of what happened when I was in my 20s, when I didn't have legitimate pain,

but I live with chronic pain every day of my life now. And I just, I, I'm ashamed, um, in a way, but at the same time, I feel justified a little bit, but I'm constantly beating myself up over it because I am constantly running out of my pain medication early and everything is great until that point. I have energy. I do well at work. I participate in my life. I can concentrate on things. But then as soon as that prescription runs out, everything comes crashing down. And it's like I just crawl into a black hole for as long as it is until the next time, you know, I am able to, to get my prescription refilled. Um, okay. Can I tell you a few things that are hard?

Yeah. Well, first of all, thank you for saying that out loud. I'm really proud of you. I would hug you if you were sitting here and I probably wouldn't say anything for the next five or 10 minutes. I just sit here with you. Thank you. How did that feel saying that out loud? Um, out of body kind of experience. You'll probably feel some instant relief and then the shame waters will slowly

start circulating back through and a little bit to fill up that space. I want you to know I'm proud of you. Okay. Just for saying that out loud. Here's some hard truths that you know, but it's just gotten a little bit hazy. Your family knows. They may not know exactly what, but they know. And that idea that you can focus and everything is better.

And I become more of a laser. That's the addiction talking again. Yeah. Cause it's not right. Cause I promise you, your colleagues are like, man, what is up?

I promise you. And so there's this moment. What, what, what made you say, I've got to, I've got to get, I've got to say this out loud. I've got to, I've got to do something different. Something happened. Nothing happened. I just feel like I've been doing this dance for a while where, you know, I find the gift of desperation to stop. And then I just don't have, you know, the willpower. And then I think of like the fact that I do have legitimate chronic pain, but I need help with holding myself accountable because obviously I'm not doing it. Well, and you can have chronic pain that's managed in different

ways than just throwing opioids at it, right? All right. So let's walk through this together. You call a meeting tonight with your husband and you take him out and you say, I have to have a hard conversation with you. And you say, I've been using for four years and we both know that I've got these prescriptions, but I'm burning through the prescriptions. I'm even getting some other ones from another doctor, from friends. I've reached a point where I can't control this. What happens then next? I fear that he would never look at me the same way again, because I think it's not so much the using, but the lying and

the hiding things and the betrayal that I think would really hit him harder than anything else. And I'm just terrified that if I have that conversation, if I, yeah, that he would never look at me the same way again and that it might end up ruining our marriage. What's the chances he reaches over, gets up from where he is and comes and hugs you and holds you so tight you can't hardly breathe? I honestly don't see that happening. Okay. What if you told him, I'm going to tell you something, and when it's over, it's going to be hard for you, but I need you to get up and come over and sit by me and just hug me and not say anything for a minute.

And if you told them I'm embarrassed about the lies, I'm embarrassed about the shame, but I'm sick. And we've been through this before and I got to go through it again. Yeah. I think it's probably writing all that stuff down and reading that out in some shape, form, or fashion. But one of the most common things I hear on the front end of somebody coming clean is, I'm afraid everybody's going to do X, Y, and Z. And it just doesn't always happen that way. Sometimes, yeah, people react poorly or they make it about them and all that.

Yeah. But sometimes they don't. And let me tell you this. You know me on, if you listen to the show, I'm always, dude, I want to go to the ends of the earth

to try to save marriages because I think marriage is a beautiful thing. But I'd rather your marriage, I'd rather y'all go separate ways than you die. And you know how this ends. And you got little ones too, right? I don't actually.

No kids? Okay, good. Yeah, no kids and not planning on kids. Okay. Just us. When you use before the pain, what were you duct taping over? Just general anxiety, just feeling, I don't know, a lack of self-confidence. You know, there wasn't anything, there wasn't any major event, any trigger.

I didn't have, you know, any trauma in my childhood. I mean, legitimately had a very good childhood and I have two loving parents who, you know, would do absolutely anything for me. How's your marriage? And I think it's just my marriage. All right. Let me say something really harsh. Okay. Yeah.

I question how strong the binding is in your marriage if you think you come to him in a moment of illness and he bails. Either that's the addiction talking or your marriage is not a secure bond. It's not a secure attachment. your attachment? I think it's more of the addiction talking because I mean, when I'm not having this kind of conversation and I just kind of think, think about it. I mean, he, he's always told me, you know, that he's in for the long haul. He's not, he's never going to leave me. You know, he believes in just marriage as an institution. And I just like, I don't, I don't think that he would actually leave. I think what I'm more afraid of is, like I said, him just never looking at me the same way again and just going through the motions and me not being able to so don't

dress rehearse tragedy you're dress rehearsing tragedy don't invent problems that haven't happened yet and try to solve them in the present yeah give him an opportunity to step up and give him a roadmap to what that looks like. Here's the truth. You've been through this before. Getting off this is brutal. Yeah. Going to AA again, which you got to do, is brutal.

Yeah. Going through this process will be very difficult, and you're worth every second of it. Have you listened to, if you haven't already, I would love for you to go listen to Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard and his co-host Monica, and the episode is called Day 7. Okay. Dax Shepard and his co-host Monica and the episode is called Day 7 and his claim to fame was 15 years

sobriety and he was a mentor for countless people he was a sponsor for countless people then he had an accident and he had to reckon with starting over because he used again and started hiding it

and it's one of the most beautiful heartbreaking hard but truly extraordinary pictures of what this actually looks like yeah that all sounds too familiar i want you to listen to the episode because his friend Monica holds him accountable and she says I love you in the same in the same conversation

and there's ownership and there's accountability and there's heartbreak and there's shame and there's forgiveness and the whole thing it's a beautiful picture of it in real time, but it really applies here. But I want you to remember two important things. Number one, secrets will kill you. Yeah.

Right? Yeah. So you got to have this conversation sooner rather than later. The second thing is you're worth being well and you're worth being sober. Will you commit to having this conversation with him? Yeah, I will. I have to. I know I have to.

I'm really proud of you. Thank you. So I want you to listen to that episode, Day 7. We'll see if we can find it and link it in the show notes. It's been a year or two since it came out. And feel free to give me a call. Feel free to have him give me a call on the back end after you have

this conversation, okay? You can both call into the show and talk to you both at the same time. I want you, when you sit down with him, to already have have a plan, like I'm going to a meeting in the morning. I don't want it to just be an open ended thing where he's kind of off untethered all of a sudden. And also, like I said, give him a path back. Tell him, I know I'm so full of shame right now. I can hardly keep my eyes open. I just need to know that you love me and will you hug me? Yeah. And tomorrow when we wake up, I would love it if you made breakfast and I'd love it if you drove me down to my meeting or I'd love it if we had coffee together and we didn't talk about it and then I'm going to go to the meeting and you ask me about how the meeting went.

I'm actually going to a meeting tonight. Good for you. So maybe after the meeting, you tell them and maybe after you get a sponsor tonight, you have to get somebody's number tonight. You got somebody you can call after the meeting. Cause it means it might be hard. It might go awful. Yeah. But it has to happen, right? It does. Cause yeah, I know, like you said, I know how this ends. Yeah. I've seen it happen to too many of my friends over the years. That's right. But on the other side of it, I've got some friends who are sober and their families are incredible and they laugh a lot and they're silly and funny and they have good marriages and they've got good jobs.

So there's light on the other side too. And make no mistake, I'm not going to sugarcoat it. Opioids are a demon, man. They will hang on your soul. They're tough. They're tough, tough, tough, tough. There's biochemical reasons for it. They're tough.

Got to have a group of people go with you. You're worth being well, my sister. I'm so, so proud of you. Call anytime. Have your husband call anytime. Y'all call together. I'll walk with you as long as you'll have me. Let me know how this conversation goes. Let me know how tonight's meeting goes. I'm so proud of you. We'll be right back. Hey, good folks. Let's talk about hallow. All right. I say this all the time. It's important to get away for times of prayer and meditation by yourself with no one else around. But one thing you might not think about though, is maintaining a sense of community when you pray or meditate. And this is especially if you don't consider yourself religious, if you question things, or if you've been burned by a church experience in the past, it's hard to want to get together with other people.

And that's another reason why I love Hallow. You can personalize your prayer experience with Hallow and they give you three free months to do it. You can pray or meditate by yourself, or you can connect with friends, with family, a prayer group, or some other community that you choose. And this way you can share prayers, share meditations. You can even share journal reflections

to grow in your faith together with others. And with Hallow, there are other ways you can personalize the app. They have downloadable offline sessions and links ranging from one minute up to an hour. And you can listen where it works for your schedule. You can choose your guide, your background music. You can create your own personal prayer plan and more.

I've made it a personal point to begin my day every single day with the hallow meditation on the scripture of the day. It's a discipline and it's a practice. And here's what I'm learning. As with anything of importance and meaning, prayer takes intentionality, practice, and showing up even

when I don't feel like it, and even I don't want to. This is discipline. Sometimes you do this by yourself, and sometimes you do this with a group, and Hallow helps you with both. Download the number one prayer app on planet earth, Hallow, right now. And listen, viewers and listeners of this show get three free months when you go to hallowed.com slash Deloney. It's amazing. Three free months of the app when you go to hallowed.com slash Deloney. Go right now and change your life. All right, let's roll out to Princeton, New Jersey and talk to the great and powerful Conrad.

What's up, Conrad? Hey, Dr. John. What up? Just rocking on to the break of dawn. Yeah, yeah. What's up, Conrad? Hey, Dr. John. What up? Just rocking on to the break of dawn. Yeah, yeah. What's up, man? How we doing? I'm doing all right.

All right. Let's get to it, dude. How can I help? So I'm really looking about how do I go about getting my friends back together or just to figure out how to navigate our lives

moving forward. I've had the same core group of friends for the last 15, 20 years, and I love them all. They're all amazing folks. But the past few years, there's been like a rift in the group and it all really came to a head a week ago. I was getting everyone together, just wanted to treat everybody to dinner and, you know, have a good time with everybody. And it was made clear that some folks didn't want to be there. They just flat out didn't want to be there if certain folks were coming along. So there's this huge rift between everyone.

I'm still friends with everyone, but it sort of put me in the middle of things. So I really want to respect my friends and their wishes to sort of grow as people, but respect the other folks involved at the same time, and I'm really struggling with it. Yeah, man. How old are you? 30 this year. 30 this year. Well, congratulations. You're almost dead now because you're really old.

Just kidding. I was going to lay it out. It's hard, man, but this is how it happens. This is how it happens. There's friendships that you look back on that mean everything. And we have 10 years, 15 years, 20 years of history, and we did everything together and they're gone. Or one friend hooks up with somebody else's wife or one friend gets divorced

or one friend, you find out abused their kid or one friend passes away one friend moves and the world of trying to hold it all together as a 30 year old becomes really hard if you've ever listened to this show i'm always talking about how hard it's the worst having kids i mean i'm a kid having kids is awesome making friends at 35 i don't do enough job i don't do a good enough job talking to how heartbreaking it is when your friendships change at 30. Yeah. It's sort of, I'm, cause I still talk to everyone. And it was like, you know, just this week we saw some folks and they were like, Oh,

do you still talk to someone? So, and it's like, I'm in this weird position cause it's like, yeah, we had dinner a couple of nights ago, but they're just not talking to you. Okay. Wait, well, why is that? Why is that a weird, why is that a weird position for you you know it's because

it sounds like you have positioned yourself as the wedding planner like a J-Lo movie and you're like it's your job

to make sure everybody's doing and it's your job to love well and be honest with people and to allow yourself to be loved. And so if they have riffs, cool, man. I'm still

going to hang out. And if they ever put you in a position to say, hey, if you're with them, you're not with me, then you got a choice to make. I mean, luckily I have a good friend of mine. When we were planning this whole thing, he said, listen, I just want to be up front with you.

I'm sort of growing as a person. I really don't want to, you know, hang out with these folks anymore. It's not my cup of tea. I'm not going to tell you who to hang out with. And like, I appreciated him being so up front with it, but it's like, it's when friends start asking about,

oh, what about this person? What about this person? And it's like, you know, I should just be honest with them and tell them. No, no, no. That person? What about this person? And it's like, I should just be honest with them and tell them. No, no, no. That's not your story to tell. I would just say that's the part I'm struggling with.

Yeah, they didn't make it. Yeah. You don't have to give an explanation. Oh, you're right. It is rough because it's like it's not the whole group. It's like, you know, a couple of folks and then everybody else. And it's just, I feel like I was always version like include folks and bring them into the force them to stay. That's different. There's something about including people who are on the margins, people who are on the outside,

people that you think would be great in the gang. There's another thing when people in the gang are like, hey, it's run its course for me. I'm out. And you're like, no, no, no, no. You got to stay. You got to stay. We're all going to.

That's a different story. That's you propping up your picture of what this is supposed to look like not honoring the person on the margins yeah i realize that sucks the way i just said that no no no you're right it's like um i love them and i care about them and i need to honor their wishes respect that they want to grow yeah and yeah or that they think that that's this guy just sucks right it's not even about gross I don't like that dude he always gets drunk and acts like an idiot

or always hits on my wife or whatever it's rough yeah um it's really respecting them and respecting their journey with it

um and you know there's no like bad blood there's no like somebody slept with somebody's wife or something like that

but it's just you know people grow as people and it's like i guess it's coming to terms with the idea that i had for the future and like you know oh we've got you know we'll work together and go through like all right having kids and doing all that and like sort of have those people going through it with you and accepting the idea that that picture that i built for myself is a little different now and that you know people are changing and I can't control that. One of my, one of my, one of my favorite people I've ever had the opportunity to be friends with. He was in my wedding. I was, I participated in his.

I had a bad situation, a housing situation, and I moved into his kitchen. Literally, he got rid of his kitchen table and moved my bed into his kitchen table, his kitchen. He's an amazing guy. And we went to, we were young knuckleheads. We went to a Blink-182 concert years ago, years ago. And then I went again recently, and I texted him a picture. I said, man, I miss this. And he goes, man, me too. Those were good times. And I tell you what, if I called him and said I really need some help, he would be here in no time. Because I love him.

He loves me. He loves my family. He's friends with my wife. I love his wife. We're connected. We always will be. But it's different now. He's an executive in some big fancy company. We live 17 hours away by car.

I'm a YouTuber, for God's sake. Right? So it happened. And if I could do anything to flip that, I would, because I missed the guy in my life. He's one of the greatest friends a guy could have. And I'm so excited for his professional opportunities and for him and his family and all the things. And I know he has the same for me. And so it's just making peace and grieving what was and making peace with what is. And then I've got to do

the hard, scary work of making friends in my local community. And that's terrible. But here we are, right? And that's just one dude, man. There's like multiple guys that like,

remember when, remember when, remember when. And here we are. And I wish it wasn't right around 30 when it all happens, but that's a pretty common time for people to have their first kid, people to have their first breakup, people to be like, hey, am I drinking anymore? Whatever the thing is, I don't go to church anymore.

I do go to church. I'm super Jesus freak. Whatever the thing is, it just happens around this time. Wow. Yeah, it's definitely a lot of things and sort of a new season of life. And I don't know, man.

Nobody really talks about it. They don't. I mean, it was the show, thankfully. But nobody talks about it. It's like, hey, things will change. I appreciate you calling. Here's what I would tell you to do. Next time somebody...

And bravo to him for having the courage to set a boundary, right? Like, hey, man, I'm just... If that guy's going to be here, I'm just going to bail. It's cool. You'll have a great time. Bravo to him for having the courage to set a boundary, right? Like, hey, man, I'm just, if that guy's going to be here, I'm just going to bail. It's cool. You'll have a great time. Bravo to him for not being a drama queen about it,

not causing a bunch of, if he comes, I'm out. And if you choose him, he didn't do that. He acted like a grownup, right? So bravo to him and bravo for you for respecting him. And I want you to to when that happens literally this is gonna sound cheesy put your hand on your body where you feel it is it in your chest is it in your shoulders like when your buddy's like hey i'm not gonna make it and you think of that room and only 80 of the gang gang is there, right? Feel that for a second and be like, man, I wish everybody would be there. It sucks. And then you blow it out and you put your hand

on your chest and you say, cool, I'm proud of you for making a decision. And I'm going to go ahead with the party. I'm going to do what I'm going to do. And that's the best you can do. And if somebody says, hey, have you seen so-and-so? Like, yeah, we grabbed dinner the other day. Oh, really? Why aren't they here? Ah, they didn't want to make it. They couldn't make it. There are things going on. That's all you got to do. You don't got to tell other people's stories, but it's mostly you come into terms with people have the right to come and go and they will come and go in your life and it hurts and it's hard and it's completely normal. And the one thing you can control is I am going to be a person that surrounds myself with friends and community.

It's the kind of guy I'm going to be. I'm going to have people. Even when I'm tired, even when I don't want to, I'm going to have people. I'm proud of you, brother. Thanks for calling, man. And thanks for reminding me. I need to talk more about that 28 to 33-year-old season when everybody kind of starts splintering and moving on. There's that sense of loss and, hey, let's keep the text threads going and the memes going, but it's all just not the same. Find some new buddies to invite into the fold and make sure you stay connected to the guy that stepped out. Sorry, the pictures are changing, man. As Blink-182 said, I guess this is growing up.

We'll be right back. Hey, what's up? Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious or burned out or chronically stressed at some point. In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life. Get your copy today at johndeloney.com.

All right, we are back. Listen, we have a new segment on the show. And if you've listened to this show for any period of time, you know we're always inventing new segments. Most of the time they last one segment. But we're going to give us what to go because I'm pretty hyped about this. So we've gotten several emails or calls and around this same theme. And so I'm calling on you listeners. I'm calling on you listeners, A, to pre-order the book,

johndeloney.com, shameless plug that I just feel kind of gross that I just did that. But go to johndaline.com, pre-order the book. And this new segment in honor of the great and powerful Taylor Swift is called I'm the Problem. Is it me? Question mark? I know she doesn't have a question mark, but alas. People write in and say, hey, am I the jerk? Am I the idiot? Is this my fault?

and so I would love to keep this thing going and instead of doing the lyrics of the day we're just going to end the show with am I the problem? and I think that would be a blast what do you say Kelly? just make sure you keep them short

keep them short okay yes because we can't do long ones since it's just in this last segment so keep them short and make sure you put in there am I the problem? and then also, after we read it

and we'll all talk about it, then we want our fans to go on to social and to reviews and tell us what they think. What they think. All right. So today,

the first installment, the first installment ever of am I the problem? Is it me? Question mark. Is from Kimberly Monks in Utah. Kim writes, am I the jerk?

My husband gets up early to ride his bike before work, usually between 3.40 and 4 a.m. ish. Yikes. He has a hard time waking up to his alarm. I'm already telling you no I usually wake up To wake him up

To tell him to turn his alarm off Then there's the snooze It takes me a lot longer to fall back asleep than he does So when his snooze keeps going off I've basically been awake the whole time I prefer to wake up around 5 to 5.30 For my workout He then gets upset with me and eventually firmly at,

he gets upset. He then gets upset with me for eventually firmly asking him to turn off his snooze or put his phone under his pillow or just get up. He interprets the experience as me yelling at him in the morning. You probably are. It is 4 a.m. And then he's in a bad mood and he just won't go

because he's a baby. We have serious communication issues, but I can't see how I'm in the wrong here. What a clown. He has slept on a blow-up mattress downstairs the past two nights. He'll show you because he doesn't like waking up mad., we'll take opinions from the booth. I think he wants to be a guy who wakes up at 4 a.m. or 3.40 to ride his bike, but he's not. And he is just a guy that

creates unnecessary noise at 3.40 to 4 a.m. And he likes to tell people, I got up early at 4 to ride my bike this morning. I'm a guy that gets up at 4.40 to 4 a.m. And he likes to tell people, I got up early at four to ride my bike this morning. I'm a guy that gets up at four. You're not. You're a guy that sets his alarm for four and then hits snooze and snooze and snooze.

And the woman you chose to share a bed with is like, God almighty, can we just sleep in like normal people? So no, I think he's the jerk. And I also think he's acting like a baby for being like, fine, I'm sleeping on my blowout mattress. I don't want to wake up mad. You don't want to wake up mad? Actually wake up and then get up. Then you wouldn't be mad. Or say, you know what, Jocko, 4.30 a.m., I concede it.

You win. You know who I'm not? David Goggins. I'm just not. So I'm going to sleep until 5.30, which is still way before all of Earth, and I'm going to sleep until 5.30, which is still way before all of earth. And I'm going to work out then. And then you don't have to be an idiot. And I realized saying someone's an idiot is harsh. But dude, you know what I know? Because this was me, homie. This was me.

I'm a bro who gets up at 4 a.m. and I run 48 miles and whatever. And then my sweet wife would just be like, hey, if you set your alarm at four, will you get up and actually go? And not just lay there and hit snooze and snooze and snooze and snooze until I want to stab you? Not in the back, but in the front so you'll feel it when you die. Like, am I crazy? What do you think?

Oh, he's 100% the jerk on this one. I would be putting my pillow over his face. And you listen to enough murder podcasts. They would never figure it out. Exactly. That's right. Jenna, what do you think?

Yeah, he's the problem, 100%. He's the problem. I can't believe he said that. I don't like waking up mad. I know, what a child. Well, maybe then don't hit snooze a thousand times. And by the way, Kimberly Monks, you are 100% are yelling. You know why?

Because every rational person would yell if every day of their life an alarm went off at 340 and then at 350 and then at 4 and then at 410 and then 420. Everyone would yell. Gandhi would start yelling at that time. Every major monks who have vows of silence, they've taken vows of silence for centuries. They would come out of the grave and be like, turn it off. You're exactly right.

He is the problem, not you. So congratulations. Our first inaugural, am I the problem? In this case, no, it's him. It's him. Hey, send these in. Go to johndeloney.com slash ask. Keep them brief and put in the headline, Am I the Problem?

Is it me? I'd love to hear it. And we're going to roll off the ending the show with lyrics of the day. And I'd love to have these, have more and more of these. Take care. Be kind to one another. Stay in school, don't do drugs, all that stuff. And hey, tell somebody today, look them in the eyes and tell them that you love them and you're grateful for them. I'll see you soon.