The Dr. John Delony Show - I Want a Third Child (but My Husband Doesn’t)

Episode Date: July 18, 2025

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Big news! New dates for money and marriage getaway just dropped for Valentine's Day weekend 2026. Get tickets at ramsysolutions.com events to get away with your spouse in Nashville, Tennessee. My question is about when you have a different image of what the future looks like with your spouse. My husband and I have two children today. They're under the age of five. We feel extremely blessed and we're just kind of soaking it up together.

However, I would like a third child and he is a hard no. I think the true honest conversation is... What up? What up? This is John with the Dr. John Delaney show, taking you calls from all over the planet about your mental and emotional health and your marriages and your kids and whatever else you got going on in your life. Real people going through really tough stuff. Let's go out to Rockville, Maryland.

Dude, I should have been born in a place called Rockville Rockville, Maryland and I should have been born actually in Poserville and talk to Tara. What's up Tara? How we doing? Hi, dr. John. Thanks for taking my call. Of course. How are you? I'm good. I am big fan. I love what you're doing. You're you're the best. I appreciate you. What's up? So my question is about when you have a different image of what the future looks like with your spouse. Okay, tell me more. So specifically, my husband and I have two children today. They're under the age of five.

We feel extremely blessed and we're just kind of soaking it up together. However, I would like a third child and he is a hard no. And I know that it would be chaos and hardship to bring another kid into the family. But I also know it would be beautiful. I just don't want to push him to a place of resentment if we do take the plunge. So how have y'all talked about it? Well, for context, my husband has never really been a hard yes on anything. Like, I've kind of led us into the future on all of the big life steps from moving in together, getting married, pets, kids, all of it.

So whenever I bring it up, it's like a knee-jerk reaction. It's an absolute no. The two things he brings up, which are very valid points, are obviously the financial burden of another kid and then the fact that the first year of both kids' lives was just an extremely hard chapter on our marriage. So I haven't really pushed him past that. I think the first one I don't care about, I mean, I think about how our parents, they had nothing.

And when it comes to that kind of stuff, you figure it out. I'm not worried about the financial part of that. And I know that sounds callous and insecure, but parents have been quote unquote, figuring that out for centuries, for thousands. Like that is, that's less of an issue for me. I'd much rather give up a fancy car or fancy house or fancy fill in the blank than that. The second one is a much realer conversation. He's got a lived experience twice in the last five years. He's watched his wife suffer. He's felt his marriage go under water.

I think to have this conversation, there's going to have to be another picture painted of here's how this might be different. When you say, tell me about, I mean, when you say, when you say your marriage was really tough for the year after both kids, tell me about that. Both of our babies had colic reflux, you know, the whole nine. So it was just a really challenging chapter, taking care of them and navigating the new space together as parents. And I thought the second time around would be easier because we knew what we were doing, but it just still wasn't.

And I felt like he, you know, was a little bit not ready to take that plunge into kid too. And then I encouraged it. And now he loves both of our kids and he's so happy, so grateful that we did it. It's just, it was temporarily really hard. So like, while I know we'll overcome that hard chapter, I just worry, I know we'll overcome it.

I think it's the hesitancy for him. And I'm like you with the financial piece, but he's not. Like he really does care about the nice car the nice things and wants To have that money available to do those things. So I haven't pushed it I've just kind of sat with this for a year now and I just don't know that I'm okay closing that door and being done and so I think that's the true honest conversation and I think the true honest conversation. And I think the true honest conversation is, I want us both to sit down

and put both of our feelings on the table. And I think it helps for one person and it can be you in this moment to say, hey, I'm not leaving you and you're not leaving me. So we're anchored into this conversation. So let's explore this in a challenging way. And it might mean that you need to get a counselor just to have a neutral third party

to make sure everybody's hearing what the other person is saying. But I think it's fair to say, I have this very clear picture of 15 years from now, 20 years from now. And there's, I don't know, do you have sons or daughters right now? Daughters.

Okay, we have two daughters and a son sitting around a table or three daughters sitting around a table with their knuckleheaded boyfriends or fiancees or getting ready for college, whatever that world looks like. I have a very clear picture in my mind of that. And right now it feels- Yeah, I feel like I've my mind of that. And right now, it feels- Yeah, I feel like I've exactly said that actually.

And what does he say? I've said, I've said when I see our table, you know, years from now, I just, I feel like there's another person at the table and he's like, well, I don't, you know, I never saw myself having any more than two kids. And he's just closed off to the conversation. But I mean, as somebody who's convinced him to do many things, I can't really take that for a hard no, because I've seen him change his mind. Okay, well then have that conversation. What you don't want to do is ever have any partner, male or female, like in either of

you feel like they are being dragged through their own life. But it is a fair conversation to say, hey, I feel like I've pushed you on getting together, on getting married, on kid one, on kid two. And I feel like I've been right every time. And so I'm feeling like I want to keep pushing because I have this picture of our family and I see what a great dad you are.

I see how full you are with love and connection with these crazy daughters of ours. But also I feel like a fancy car is more important than this. And I mean, just put it on the table and have that conversation. I can't give you a 51-49 on this deal. I know that at some point, if he looks at you and for the first time in y'all's relationship together gives you a really hard no, then you have a decision to make.

Am I going to live in resentment and frustration and anger? Am I going to hold this against him? Or am I going to exhale and be really grateful for the family we have? Am I gonna be deceitful and not take birth control? Like you get to decide what your next steps are. My hope is that you choose to remain connected. And on the other side, if he chooses to say like, hey, the first year after each one of these kids was such a nightmare.

And if you brought on the table, we'll get some support help. We'll have a nanny, we'll have somebody move in with us, we will fill in the blank. I think the deeper conversation for me is, and tell me if I'm wrong, I heard a little bit of disdain in your voice. Like if it's a money thing and it's over a depreciating asset of a car sitting in the driveway, that's hard to stomach. Yeah, exactly I feel like anything financially related or materialistic is just not a good reason to do it and

You know to me there are more important things I guess if it is like a hard no that I shouldn't push I just struggle on how to be at peace with that and how to move forward and still stay connected like you suggested I mean you'll have to grieve that picture that you thought you were gonna have I mean it's and it's a sad season And it's not at it doesn't minimize I think we're sold that like grief is some zero right that To grieve something fully means you have to take love away from something else That doesn't mean you don't love and you're not super grateful for your two daughters

It's that you wanted to bring even more of that love and joy into the world and Exactly your partner said he didn't want that But it sounds like the real thing is you don't buy kind of like me you don't buy the financial argument and He doesn't regret one second. Now that the year, the year is the crummy years in the review mirror, he doesn't regret that. Yeah, that's what I keep pushing on. I'm like, I know we could do this. If, if, if you say, okay, I'm in, I know we would get through it. Okay, take, take the money off the table then and maybe even say, us saying we don't have enough money

simply isn't true. It's we are choosing to have nice cars, we're choosing to have a nice house, we're choosing to go on nice vacations. So that part's not true. Let's move that over because you and I are gonna disagree on that. Because I think having a third kid is more important

than driving the newest fanciest car. So let's move that over here. The real issue is, tell me about what we lost, what you lost, tell me about what you experienced in that year after baby one and that year after baby two. Cause I'm asking you, cause I wanna see if there's things that we could put into place so that the year after baby number three might be different. And maybe that's the case, but I think it's drilling down into what is this big no about

because it sounds like there's something else there. I don't know what that would be. But man, the year after are tough pregnancies or bad postpartum or almost separation or sleepless nights at the office and watching somebody's work performance fall down. Like those are all reasons to fear doing this again. I get that. Yeah, it's all valid. It's just I think I have been avoiding a real conversation with him on it so I think that this is going to push me to actually have a real sit down and not just a drive by, why don't we?

Yes. And I think, I think that also sends a message of seriousness to him. And do it off site, do it in the morning, do it like when like plan it like, Hey, I want to have a real heart, a real, not hard, but like a, let's have an honest conversation breakfast. Are you in? He'll be like, what? Good God, I got a mo. And you're like, no, no, no, I know.

I got childcare for the girls, but I want to take you out and talk to you about you talked about something serious with you. Yeah. And I want you to be direct about the money thing. That's just not true. Here's the bigger issue. And let's get into that. Does that sound fair? Yeah, no, it's definitely,

I think it's looming over my head and it's just, it has to happen. Yeah. And for whatever it's worth, you have to promise you won't weaponize this. You promise? Say I promise. Yeah, I will.

I promise. I would have made that exact same argument about kid number three and probably the only regret I have in my whole life. I've been mean to a few people and I wish I could have those back. The biggest, not Kelly. I never regret that. Probably the biggest regret I have is that we didn't have number three.

Wow. I did not understand. That's the place I don't wanna be. I know, but no, no, I'm the husband in this situation. I'm the guy that would have been like, hey, we don't have the money, we don't have this, we don't have that and like the first two would have been like, hey, we don't have the money. We don't have this. We don't have that. And like the first two were, you know, this challenge and that challenge.

Like I would have spun up some stories. I got to finish my other degree. I've got to do this. We need to like, I would have had a thousand different, different things. But now I have one nine year old and one 15 year old. Like I just am so overwhelmed by love when I walk in my house and just, I'm just so overwhelmed by it all about how awesome and blessed I am to have two healthy, fun, hilarious kids and a pretty amazing spouse.

And so yeah, and the third, I would just, in my mind, it would just quadruple the fun. Cause I think those things ROI, they don't, they don't just, it doesn't just add like a third more fun. It would add like 4x the fun. But anyway, awesome. My daughter made me a 50 point power presentation of not PowerPoint, but like she wrote a book and she stapled it together. It's a 50 point, um, treaties on why we need a third kid, a daughter.

And it's pretty cute actually. So we went to Walmart and got a fake baby and that's one of the hardest I've laughed ever when she found out that you can put diapers on a doll. It was a riot. Awesome. All right. We come back. We talked to a woman who is having an affair with her high school sweetheart

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to get the shirts for the men in your life. Trust me, Poncho Ultralight shirts are a summer essential for me and they will be a summer essential for you. Salt Lake City, Utah. Let's talk to Hannah. Hey Hannah, what's up? Hey, Dr. John. How we doing? I don't, not good.

Not good. That didn't sound good. What's up? That doesn't sound good. Me and my high school boyfriend have lived in the same town forever. We see each other once in a while over the last 40 years and we're both 60 and recently reconnected. Thought it was just going to be a conversation turned into him telling me how much he loves me still and has missed me over all these years and on and on

and on, and I got sucked in and feel the same way. And we're both married to somebody else. He's been married 40 years. I've only been married for eight to the man that I'm married to now. Um, he's very, very prominent in the state and in our city. So everybody knows him. His, one of his children has had cancer. He says he doesn't want to leave his wife.

He's not unhappy with his wife. Um, he doesn't dare leave his family, blow up his family because of this child. Oh, he's not a child. He's an adult that has had cancer needs to get into his five year mark, which is two more years and still sees me and calls me and tells me we have a visceral kind of love, which I agree with and don't know what to do. What do you think you should do?

I don't know. That's why I'm calling. I guess what I would tell you is it sounds as though you're being used as some sort of cocaine, if you will, as a distraction from the challenges of having a prominent job of having a sick kid of having a long 40-year marriages can get boring too But you are this side fantasy of this alternative life he might have had had he married you back when you are high school sweethearts and You get his heart rate up and you let him check out of his, the pressure of his

day to day life. And then he's also been very clear with like, this will go nowhere. For at least two years, which I don't know that I believe even the two year mark. I wouldn't believe a single word spoken. Okay. It's also very scary because I'm so invested. He also says he is. And I have been very suicidal for years of my life. Okay.

What is that? I attempted it five years ago. Didn't, didn't do a great job at that either. Just, it's just. So you're actively suicidal now? Um, I'm not going to say I'm not gonna say I'm not. Well if you are, I'm gonna have somebody come to your house today. No, I don't want anybody to come to my house.

I know, but I love you enough to not just hang up the phone on you. No, it's... No, I'm working through that with the therapist. They wanted to put me in the hospital a couple weeks ago. I wouldn't let them. So- What if that's what you need to do is to go to a hospital? I need to figure this problem out with this guy.

You know that you've got it figured out. How many times have you been married? You said the guy you're married to now. Have you been married in the past? Yes, this is my fourth. Your fourth husband, okay. Yes. And you want-

My last one was 22 years. Okay, why did y'all end up breaking up? He had lots and lots of girlfriends Okay. For the last 13 years of our marriage. What about the husband before him? We were married for five years. He was doing drugs and hiding it in our house

and I had no idea. I just packed up my kids and left. Tell me about the guy you're married to now. He's very calm, content. He's got agoraphobia, doesn't ever want to go do anything or go anywhere. He's going to be the 60 year old guy that turns 90 really quick when he retires. He'll just sit on the couch and not do anything.

So maybe this affair you're having with this other guy is kind of your way to check out of the life you have and the life you see coming right at you also, huh? Yeah. Yeah. 100% I agree with you on that. It's a way to go to a firework show without having to live with the reality of it all, right? Right. I'm content.

Yeah. I mean, well I was. Until a boyfriend came back in the picture. Yeah. Now, it's hard to get through every day. Yeah. I think the- Somebody's telling me they have a visceral love for me that- And I have a husband that said something else.

Yeah. Who would do anything for me? I know he would. Or he's a nice guy. But, and usually prominent folks in different communities are very good at wordsmithing, right? Yeah. He's an attorney. Yeah. So he's good at speaking and he, right? Yeah, he's an attorney. Yeah, so he's good at speaking and he knows how to say things and he knows how to say

the words to get somebody fired up. Yeah. And it may be that your current husband loves you to the moon and back, like you say, he'd do anything for you and he might not have the skill set to be a have a silver tongue and be able to You know Make you feel 16 again Yeah, but here's the thing I'm hearing you don't want to be you don't want to be this person No what person I I don't think it's in you to be cheating on a man that loves you.

It's wrong, I know. But I think the wrong is bigger than the morality. Of course that's wrong. You pledged your fidelity to somebody. I think it's bigger than that I think you know, it's wrong because you know, it's not real It's a distraction Because because here's the thing I had a visceral Love for my girlfriend who ended up being my wife. I skipped final exams to go be with her.

I skipped events. I just basically canceled things in my life. And so if there was a visceral love, regardless of like, if this was a movie, then regardless of position, regardless of whatever, he leaves you and you'll go happily ever after. And so what he's describing isn't what that actually is. No.

I'm afraid when he ends it, what I've also been redone. And that's where I'm not going to let you off the phone until I have a pretty firm commitment. Because you've also proven to yourself over the last 40 or 50 years that you can have painful things come into your life. Like when you found out the man that you loved was bringing drugs into your house. When you found out the man you loved was having multiple affairs. You found out that you can experience

really painful moments and painful breakups and you can keep going. You've been there before and it hurts. And it's hard. It is hard. It's your worst hard. I'm tired, I'm tired. I'm hard. But you're worth hard. I'm not. Oh, you are.

I've never felt worth anything. I don't care what you feel. I'm telling you the truth. Can we be honest and say Hannah's feelings always haven't been accurate over the course of her life? Yes. Yeah. Okay. So let's don't make permanent decisions based on a thermometer that we know doesn't always

have the right temperature in it. Okay. Because the evidence that sits before me is you're a 60 year old woman at the end of the third quarter, starting the fourth quarter of her life. You got a fourth husband who you love, but he's a bump on a log. And you'd like to see some kind of fire in him, at least for him to go take on the agoraphobia. He won't go anywhere. I know. But maybe you have't go anywhere. I know.

But maybe you have a counselor that can come to the house. Well, you started a counselor last week. Well, that's amazing. Step one. Yeah. In the same way that your body feels just alive when this other guy texts you, right? Yeah. The same way your body feels that way, his body feels on fire like that when he walks out of his house.

And he just has to learn in the same way you have to learn that that text message that you're getting isn't real. He's got to learn that his body screaming at him, you're not safe, you're not safe. That that that alarm's not real either. I mean, the alarm is real, but it's not telling the truth. Right. And I mean, if you see a counselor, then that's a step in the right direction. That's fantastic. Right.

I'd be really proud of a 60 year old man saying, I don't want to live the last 30 years of my life like this. That's awesome Well, he doesn't think he has anything wrong. Well, I know no six-year-old men does You're right you're right But at least he's going to try that's right, so let's flip this whole thing around for a second, okay? Okay. What if you end it?

What if I end my marriage? No, silly. What if you end this pretend affair? I've tried. I've tried. I've tried. It doesn't work. It doesn't stay. If I say I'm done, within a few days me that he can't do it anymore. Or he gets caught and found out

and he loses everything. And y'all both get dragged through the newspapers and through the internet. Yeah, that could happen. And let me just ask you a hard question. Do you want to be with a man who's in a 40 year marriage, that's child is dying from cancer? I mean, does that sound like a person who's an integrist that then leaves that situation to go have some side action with Hannah? Let me just say you're worth being loved more than that. I feel loved when I'm with him though. That's because it's, I know but it's because it's because it's fake, because it's safe. I mean it's it's an illusion

it like it's it There's no responsibilities. He's not gonna leave his dirty underwear on the floor. And he's not gonna be gone late all the time, all the time, all the time, all the time. And he's not having to go sit with, your kid getting interferon treatments in a cancer ward. I think what you feel is relief because your day in and day out life is hard.

You don't even like being in your own skin sometimes, right? Most of the time. Yeah, it's a relief. It is a relief. So the real challenge is how do I find relief and hang on to my values at the same time? I don't know the answer to that. I know, but that's the question. And stay alive.

That's right. That's the right. That's the question that you and your therapist work out together. I don't know how I could not see you. You can. You've done really tough stuff over the course of your life, haven't you? Yeah, I've been through some things. I bet you have.

You're probably one of the strongest women I know. I don't know about that. I bet you have. You're probably one of the strongest women I know. I don't know about that. I just, I get in the fight or flight and I just wanna leave. That's right. And so in the same way, your husband gets into fight, flight or freeze and he wants to freeze and he's teaching himself

that he's got to go sometimes. That's your new adventure. Is I'm not going to run from this. I'm actually going to sit in it. I'm going to feel it and it feels hot and it feels painful and then I'm going to go do the next right thing. Do you have any kids Hannah? I've got three grown boys who are very successful with families.

Okay. Do they know that you're struggling? No. Okay. I think it's time to let them know. Because they are not going to go have a conversation with your grandkids about how grandma died by suicide. We're not doing that.

Fair? We might do that. Hannah, we're not doing that. Fair? Okay. Which one of your sons you're gonna reach out to when we get off the phone here? One, two or three? Yeah.

I don't, maybe the oldest. I need a confirmation that you're gonna reach out and say that your mom is not doing okay. Okay. With your oldest, number one? Tell me, I promise you I'll call him the moment I get off the phone with him and tell him that I'm not doing okay.

And tell him I'm thinking about hurting myself. He doesn't need to know that. Hannah, either you're going to make that call or I'm going to send the authorities to your house within the next 15 minutes. I'll call him. Okay. Listen to me. Mm-hmm. I'm really grateful that you called. Okay? Thank you for talking to me. The world will be a worse place with you not in it. Okay? That's why you're gonna stay in it, right?

Yeah. I need you to hear me say, I mean, I need to hear you say, I'm going to stay alive in this world. I'm going to try. Nope. I'm going to stay alive in this world. I'm gonna stay alive in this world. Thank you for honoring me with that. Thank you for your help.

Alright. You're gonna call your boy right now? Yeah. Okay. I'm proud of you for making that phone call. Thank you. All right. Talk to you soon, okay?

Okay. Bye. We'll be right back. All right. It's time for a quick word about Delete Me. Does anyone else feel like our digital footprints are starting to feel more like digital trails leading bad guys right back to us? Right now scammers are using phishing attacks.

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for 20% off the annual plan. That comes out to less than nine bucks a month. That's joindeleteeme.com slash deloney. All right, let's go right down the street in Nashville, Tennessee and talk to Amanda. Hey Amanda, what's up? Hi Dr. John, how are you? I'm great, how are you? Doing well, thank you. Awesome, what's up? Okay, I wrote out my questions so I'm

just gonna read it to you and then you can ask any follow-up questions. Alright, perfect. Okay, my husband and I are having a hard time figuring out how to handle visits to his parents' house. They're not bad people but staying with them is really challenging. At Easter, for example, our room was 80 degrees, the house isn't very clean, and there's a lot of emotional tension during conversations. It just doesn't feel like an optimal environment, especially now that we have a two-year-old daughter. On top of that, they continue to push for a long time with our daughter, even though we've clearly communicated that we're not comfortable with

that right now. We've set the boundary, but they keep circling back to it. My husband is one of 10 kids and my in-laws have 23 grandchildren. My husband and I do not want to be labeled difficult like some of his other siblings, but we're both getting tired and anxious every time a visit comes up. How do we navigate this in a way that protects our daughter, respects our boundaries, and doesn't completely blow up family relationships? That's a great question. I think you have given yourself three variables that don't work together.

Okay. And so read your last sentence back to me. How do we navigate this in a way that protects our daughter? Okay, stop. Number one. Okay, so we got protect daughter, which is number one most important, right? Last sentence back to me. How do we navigate this in a way that protects our daughter? Okay, stop. Number one. Okay, so we got protect daughter, which is number one most important, right? Right.

All right, what's number two? Respects our boundaries. Okay, that is here's the house that we want to have, here's the family that we want to have, here's the emotional and for lack of better terms, the psychological, that's not really the right word there, but that like the tenor of our home. Okay, and what's the third one? Doesn't completely blow up family relationships. All right, you don't get to decide that one, which stinks.

So tell me if I'm wrong here, but there's probably out of 10 siblings, there's probably some pariahs, some people that have been labeled difficult and maybe you even heard your husband talk about how difficult they are. And then now that y'all are living in this, you're like, ooh, maybe they weren't so difficult after all.

Yeah, yeah, there's one sibling in particular that lives about 12 hours from his parents' house. And so, you know, obviously it's a big trek to get there to fly or drive. And we always wondered why his family did not stay with his parents, like his brother's family. So, I mean, I guess I always found myself just kind of wondering, but never actually

asking the question. And then now that we have relocated and stay with his parents, I'm like, I get that. Yeah. So for whatever it's worth, I love my parents and I have a good relationship with them. And I stay in a hotel, my family stays in a hotel whenever we travel. Okay. And I am, they've made comments before like, well, why don't y'all just, but they have a, they have a small place and it's a patio home and it's perfect for them.

And occasionally one of my kids will spend the night there, but like, A, I don't sleep well when I'm on the road and if I don't sleep, I'm just tough to be around. And so sleep is important thing for me. And it allows us to do our morning stuff and not everybody's got to share the same, but it's really, it's really a gift from us to them. And at the same time, it's a gift to ourselves so that we show up as good as we possibly can. Sure.

And there's been times when I stay at my other in-laws house, they've got a, they've got a big property. And so sometimes I will stay or me and my wife will stay in the camper in the back and the kids stay in the house, right? So it's all it to say is this, y'all get to decide what's best for your family. And then the adults in the room get to decide how they're gonna respond to your boundaries.

And if they respond to your boundaries by making accusations, by being ugly to you, by being rude to you, et cetera, then they may be opting for you guys not to come around so much. Right, right. And I- Yeah, that makes sense. I guess I don't, I don't,

if I get to be labeled the difficult person or whatever, then that's a choice that they are choosing and that is a label they are making. I don't have to wear that label. Right, right. I think the difficulty here is that the way that their house is now is the way that my husband was raised as far as just like the level of cleanliness and not running the heat and air like you know most families do and that kind of thing. So I guess that's kind of where my question comes from and he's be clear, he's not comfortable

staying there either, like physically comfortable. But it's just kind of one of those things where he's like, well, this is how I was raised. So if we stop staying here, it's gonna be this like big emotional conversation. And yeah, so we're just trying to navigate that. Yeah, I don't even think it's worth casting judgment on his parents.

That's how they've raised 10 kids. They raised one of the boys that you fell in love with, right? And so if people like their house hotter or people like their house colder, they get to do that. Y'all are the ones that get to have your own boundaries. And your boundaries don't require anything of anybody else. Now, if you say, hey, it's too hot here. Y'all don't ever run your air conditioner.

That's why we're not sleeping here. A, that wouldn't be the full truth. And B, yeah, that would be judging how they choose to have the house. I think a broader, simpler conversation is, dude, we like to spread out, it's more comfortable, it's just easier for everybody and we can come and go, we got a little baby in it, like,

it's just easier for all of us and this is what we find more comfortable when we travel, period. Right. And any more explanation like, well, tell me what you mean about comfort, I don't want to get into all that, I'm just choosing to not go down that road. It just, it's more comfortable for all of us.

And then we show up here bright eyed and ready to hang out. And I, maybe this is me, take this or leave it. I assume all good grandparents always want to have time with their new grandbaby. I get that. And I get them always wanting to ask and maybe now and maybe now and maybe now I get that and so I get that it's annoying also but I'm never going to knock a grandparent for wanting to spend more focused time with a grandkid and I don't ever knock parents for saying hey I'm uncomfortable with this for whatever reasons. Let me ask you is there safety reasons or is there abuse reasons? Like, why don't you want your grandparents, I mean your in-laws to be around your kid? There's not any abuse concerns or anything like that.

My husband is towards the end of the 10 kids, so his parents are older and not in great health. So, for instance, like they wouldn't be able to, you know, carry her anywhere. Oh, that kind of thing. Like just physically like picking up. So we didn't let them watch her independently when she was an infant because they couldn't get up and down off the floor, like that kind of thing. But my mother-in-law has, I've told my husband, I'm okay with her offering to watch our daughter it's

when she pushes past and I'm like oh no like thank you for offering you know no thank you when we keep pushing that's kind of the problem for me she did sit us down and have a long conversation about a lot of things and we have a long history with his parents but if you have questions about I can answer but she said we can't spend quality time with her if you're around. And kind of our way of working it out is when we're at their house or when they're at our house, if our daughter is like reading books with them or playing a game with them or doing puzzles, like we stay out of it.

Like I'm not interrupting and inserting myself. I'm like cooking or- Well, but hold on. I just fundamentally reject her inserting myself. I'm like cooking or- But hold on, I just fundamentally reject her premise entirely. Yeah, yeah, cause my parents don't say that. Like they spend quality time with her, with us there. I, if she said, hey, y'all need to go on a date.

Y'all get out of here so you can go on a date and I wanna spend some time with this baby. That's all that's good. But immediately when somebody says something like that, it makes me wonder what else is happening. Exactly. So yeah, y'all aren't crazy, but I will say this, this is your husband's conversation to have

with his parents. Yes, and he's had a lot of really tough conversations with them over the past year. Okay. You know, about a lot of really deep things. So I've been really proud of him for navigating that on our behalf. Amazing. You know?

Yep. My new coined phrase is, you're welcome to offer to step in, just don't ask me to step aside. Like you can offer to do something for our child. But if I say no, like that's where the conversation needs to end. That's right. And then you are going to have to not just quote, like hope isn't, hope is an action. It's a step we take.

A wish is, I just want this all to be different. Right. And so when you get that request and you say, oh, no, thank you. I appreciate the offer though. No, you need to leave that kid and you need to go, no, thank you. I appreciate the offer though. No, you need to leave that kid and you need to go. All right. I'm gonna go ahead and head out because hope is in action. Hope is taking the next right step. It's not just wringing your hands, like wishing that this situation is going to change itself somehow.

I think I've probably been doing more of the wishing. I know, I know. Than taking action. There you go. And taking action always comes at a cost, always. Right. And so I think it's just wrapping your head around, hey, we're not trapped in this and this and this.

We are gonna have to risk being labeled troublesome, annoying, blah, blah, blah, for the care of our kid. And I don't hear anything in you being like thinking that they're less than y'all. I don't hear that. I don't hear any like, they keep their house real hot and they keep their house real cold. People get to do that, right?

And I don't know, I keep my house real cold, they keep their house real cold. People get to do that, right? And I don't know. I keep my house real cold, but then I go get in a sauna and I keep my house real warm in the winter, then I go get in a cold plunge. And so, I mean, when they dig up my ashes years from now, when anthropologists dig us all up, they're like, that didn't make any sense, right? But so it is what it is.

And cleanliness standards, all that, y'all just get to opt to stay at a different place. That's all good. I'm not gonna judge it. It's just, that's for me and my house. We're gonna stay here. The next layer is, man, people are gonna make stories up about you for the rest of your life.

They're gonna judge this parenting or that parenting. Can't believe you don't give your kid a phone. I can't believe you don't give your kid like a little AI friend to carry around with them. Like whatever the thing that's coming down the road, that's just gonna be the rest of your life. And so getting some firm boundaries within yourself and within your marriage and kudos, your husband, dude,

shout out as a hero, him having some hard conversations. That's amazing, I'm proud of him. I'm really proud of him for that. So hope that helps the band and thank you so much for the call, we will be right back. Hey, it's Deloney for Hallow, the number one prayer app in the world. Life moves so fast. We're all juggling work, family, and a million other things. And in the chaos, we often forget to pause and reflect.

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Right now, when you sign up at halo.com slash Deloney, you get three months for free. That's halo, H-A-L-L-O-W dot com slash Deloney for three months for free. Hey, we are back. I'll take a quick moment to let you in on a followup from a call we took earlier in this show. We have a call from a woman who was

60 years old, is married in her fourth marriage and is having an affair with a prominent person in her city and her state. She also reported that she has been actively suicidal and was supposed to be hospitalized a few weeks ago. It was recommended she was hospitalized a few weeks ago. It was recommended she was hospitalized a few weeks ago. And so I want everyone to know a couple of things. One, I did not do a full suicide assessment over the phone. And so if you're thinking, oh, this is how you do that, I do ask very directly, are you

thinking about hurting yourself? Are you thinking about dying by suicide? And so hopefully you heard me do that with her. We did notify the authorities in her area and they are doing a wellness check as of now. And so I don't know what the end result of that will be and they won't call me and let us know. But my team did reach out.

It's never okay to not send somebody. And despite her saying, I'll make a phone call, despite her saying I'm not okay, here's what I know. 55 and older men especially, but women are trying to catch up here, is a very high risk population for dying by suicide. Isolation, loneliness, health issues, financial issues, and on and on and on. So it is a high risk category and I just don't play around with that. I never have and I never will. I've just been to too many situations where someone has died by suicide and I've just seen the aftermath. Also know that getting firm confirmations, you're not going to do this. That is important. I need you to say those words out loud.

And also in this situation I felt it was right to call there's a strong possibility. She's really angry with me There's a strong possibility that she says I hate you and gets online and says a bunch of mean stuff about all that All good. She's allowed to do that. But if she's alive to make those posts and get angry with me then I've've won, then I'm doing my thing. And hopefully she hung up the phone and called one of her oldest son, like she mentioned she was going to.

And she said she's had some suicidality for a lot of her adult life, so her son's probably dealt with this before. And it might be really frustrating. Who knows? It's not for me to figure out here. But I think it's just important for you all to know, always, always stop and ask the question,

are you thinking about hurting yourself? Are you thinking about dying by suicide? Are you thinking of killing yourself? However you wanna phrase it, but don't ever shy away from that question. And then the next questions usually are, do you have means to do that and do you have a plan? In this situation, I was pretty confident

that she wasn't messing around. And so I even skipped that and just said, I'm gonna hand this straight off to the authorities. So all I have to say is we're doing our part here to reach out and take care of folks. And I'm gonna ask that everybody, whether it's your parent, whether it's your neighbor, whether that's somebody who reaches out to you, let's all do our part.

Let's all do our part. Nobody's life is better off when someone we know and love dies. Thank you so much for being with us on the show and I look forward to talking to you guys next time. Love y'all. Bye.