The Dr. John Delony Show - I Want Another Tattoo . . . My Husband Doesn’t Agree

Episode Date: June 18, 2025

On today’s episode, we hear about: ·       A wife who wants more tattoos, but her husband doesn’t agree ·       A father wondering how to set boundaries with his wife’s brother ·       A mom struggling to be more relaxed when it comes to her children Next Steps: 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test  📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future  ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards  💭 John's Free Guided Meditation  🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch  Connect With Our Sponsors: Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. Get 15% off with code DELONY at Bon Charge. Get up to 40% off with code DELONY at Cozy Earth.   Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe.  Go to Hallow for a 90-day free trial.  Visit Helix Sleep for special offers!  Get 20% off with code DELONY at Organifi.   Get 25% off your order at Thorne.    Go to Trainwell to get started! Explore More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights   🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💡 The Rachel Cruze Show 💰 George Kamel 🪑 Front Row Seat with Ken Coleman 📈 EntreLeadership   Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

How do my husband and I find common ground when I want more tattoos and he does not like them at all? And he does not have any and he does not like them. Dude, that's a great question. All right, so Wesley, why do you hate your wife? What in the world's going on? What's up? What's up? This is John with the Dr. John Delaney show taking your calls live from all over planet Earth. In a time of chaos and B-A-N-A-N-A-S is bananas. Taking your calls, man, N, A, N, A, S, is bananas. Taking your calls, man, trying to figure out

what's the next right move with my mental and emotional health, my marriage, my kids, whatever's going on in the world. Here's my promise, I'll sit with you and we'll figure out what's the next right move. All right, let's go out to Fort Worth 817 and talk to Anniston. What's up, Anniston?

Good morning, Dr. John, thanks for taking our call. Of course. to Fort Worth 817 and talk to Anniston. What's up Anniston? Good morning, Dr. John, thanks for taking our call. Of course. And I know I'm not supposed to do this, but we screwed up the phones. And so now we're doing this again. We're running it back forever. You, for all of you guys listening,

we had some great jokes, but I'm not going to remake them. All right, so I'm going to bring your husband on Anniston. Let's talk to Wesley. What's up Wesley, you here? Yes, sir. All right now we got you both look at us look figuring out how to Play do the Internet's we should have put this in chat should be T or something. All right So y'all doing well before we get going do y'all like each other? We love each other. We love each other gross Wesley good answer. All right

Well, first of all, I just wanted to say your podcast has led some very funny conversations with our 12 year old son. It's my phone. Well, my phone will automatically connect, obviously on my car. And I believe this was a couple of years ago, he got in and the title was,

I'm having a hard time loving my children. And so he just looked over at me and like rolled his eyes. He's like, really mom? And then the most recent one was my sexual past is haunting me. And he just looked at me and said, you listened to way worse stuff than the rap music that you won't let me listen to.

Well, that's when you should have said, hey, you didn't know your mom in college, buddy. Yeah. That's extremely true. Yeah. Well, that's when you should have said, Hey, you didn't know your mom in college, buddy. Yeah. So it's very true. Yeah. So that was his. Dude, Wesley with digs.

That's awesome. No, my son's now old enough now where his buddies will send him episode titles and be like, what's your dad do for a living, man? Yeah. Anyway, he goes, I don't know what you listen to, but this is way worse than the rap music that you don't let me listen to. Whatever. We're saving America, 12 year olds.

We are. He just, little does he know. I love it. That's awesome. All right. So what's that? Okay. So we, it's a funny, silly little question.

That means it's not funny or silly at all. This is awesome. No, it is. It is actually. it's a little battle we've been having. Uh, we're almost like what? 15 years this year. And so, um, how do my husband and I find common ground when I want more tattoos, just like Kelly shout out and he does not like them at all. And he does not have any, and he does not like them. Um. Ooh. And he does not have any and he does not like them.

Dude, that's a great question. All right, Wesley, why don't you love your wife? I'm totally kidding. All right. Okay, Jennifer. And let me just preface this. He is very supportive in every other way. I mean, the laundry does anyway. And so this is the one thing that I don't know

how to find common ground on this. All right, tell me what, Aniston, tell me, I keep wanting to call you Jennifer. That's so funny. Aniston, tell me what, what did tattoos mean to you? What did tattoos mean to you? The most recent one, I wanted to get

my husband's name and my two boys names in like Morris code. So it's not the handwriting, I just wanted it kind of in a different. And I think we kind of had a miscommunication on the placement. He does not want them on my arms. It was in Morris code. Of course there was a miscommunication. All right.

Yeah. So he wants them on your arms like sleeves and stuff. Oh, I would do a sleeve and a heartbeat. But I know that that's not, I know that that would be him giving in way too much. So I'm just trying to, I guess I'm wanting family ones, right? My kids stuff, stuff that means stuff. I'm past the stage of just going and getting them at two in the morning, right?

So these are like very like well thought out. Yeah, but go deeper than that. Like you can put pictures of your kids and your handsome parents husband on the wall, like, and you can stitch their names into pillows. Why do you wanna tattoo them on your body? Because like there's the family one, like what I have found personally is

when I started getting family members tattooed and I've got my kids tattooed on me, I've got all the names of the kids that we lost and miscarried, I got all that tattooed on me, but it was also kind of like a way I could just go get tattoos and be like, no, no, no, you don't understand, like it's for a family, like, you know what I mean? It gave me permission to kind of go do the thing that I really wanted to do anyway. That's true.

I just like them. But what about them? What do you think it announces to yourself and to the world? They make me feel good, I guess, but they give me... Like it make you feel cool, make you feel like hip? Maybe it gives me, cause like I kind of have low self-esteem so maybe it gives me like a little a little jump in my self-esteem or because I look at I'll see girls just with touching I'm like oh my gosh that's so pretty or I've just always liked, I don't know. That's a way deeper question than what I thought. Right. I think it is, it's a,

it is a self-esteem thing. I feel good when I get them. I like to look at them. I like the reminders of them. Do you like going into the, it's a little bit taboo to go into a tattoo shop and like the whole experience is cool. Like where I go, like I like all the people in there. They're all, I mean, it's just, it's a, it's just an experience. Well, I think it's fun.

It's a fun, um, yeah, it is that whole experience is fun to me. Um, and, and my husband, he doesn't have any and he like I've always joked with him. I'm like, man, I'd love if he'd be sleeved up, but I understand that he does not like them like that. And so we're, we've kind of got, he likes to call me a free spirit more. And he's, he thinks things through a little bit more than I do. That's where we get along so good. So.

All right. So Wesley, why do you hate your wife? I'm just kidding. than I do that's where we get along so good. So. All right, so Wesley. Why do you hate your wife? I'm just kidding. Like, what is it about tattoos that like you're like, I don't think they're beautiful. You don't need that. Like, tell me, tell me what they signal to you or what they mean to you. Gosh, because let's put this out there.

This is not about you trying to control your wife. I don't hear that at all. Oh, no. And this out there. This is not about you trying to control your wife. I don't hear that at all. Oh no. And this is deeper than that. It is. I just, our, our latest is more of a, you know, I just, the placement that she wanted on her, on her arm was just really, that was more of, I'm all on board with like a hundred percent with what she is the

reasons behind that she you know family or whatever and you kind of dug in a little deeper on that but I get all that and I commend her for the thought process of you know what she's getting why she wants to get it the way she thought it out I I just had, I just do not envision, maybe I can learn to get over it, right? But I don't, I just have a hard time with the placement of it on her arms.

Just don't see that being a positive thing for her, maybe us moving forward. Okay, so dig into that, because this isn't about her arm and even the placement. It's about, are you worried that people are gonna perceive her in a certain way and you know her to be different? Are you worried about what's gonna look like at dinner? Like, be honest about what you're worried about.

Yep, so, and you kind of said the word, I've always, and it's probably a fault of mine, honestly, is, is I do, I am somebody that through my life has really been dialed into perception and the way people perceive you. And, and you know, the, and it doesn't even mean that's who you are, right? If somebody may be perceiving you one way

and that's just what they think, but that's really not who you are. It's not what your heart is. It's not who you are as a person. And that's 100% true about her. If she were to get sleeved up on her arms, I'm sure there would be some perception out there of her from various people or from just people

we don't even know that wouldn't be true, right? But I've always, for whatever reason, a fault of mine has always been, or one of my things that I've always leaned on is, hey, perception is reality. And I mean, I just grew up, and I don't know if this helps you any, but I grew up really just super West Texas on a farm ranch. You know, and just everything was just very cut and dry black and white. You know, we didn't, we just didn't have any of that. Didn't do it. Nobody in my family did any of that. And so it's like, you know, you were, you were just taught

a certain way. And so, yes, I love her to death and, and yes, I support her and everything she does. And we have a great relationship. It's just on this subject. For sure the placement bothered me, bothers me maybe more than what, the fact that she may get another tattoo, right? Sure, of course, of course. But it sounds like it's less about her and more about you have a particular story about people who get tattoos all up and down their arms,

especially women. And then when she got home, you went, oh God, that story is now her. Or I don't want anyone with the story I've got, I've made up about people with tattoos. I don't want anyone saying that about my wife because I'm gonna have to kill them and bury them out in West Texas and they'll never find me.

Very possible. I would never do that. But yes, you're probably spot on with what you just said. Well, and here's the thing, Anderson, and this is like, I'm covered up in tattoo, like, and I've got more underneath my shirts. Here's the thing. This has driven me crazy since I was this total poser

wannabe metalhead, and like in high school, I would try to dress all cool and I'd wear Pantera shirts around and I'd wear black socks pulled up to my knee. Just a total clown. But if somebody called me on it like, dude, what are you doing? We're going to like Walgreens. I would then be like, oh bro, you're just going to judge me. And here's the thing. I clearly wanted people to look at me. Clearly wanted attention attention and I also wanted an opportunity to be indignant how dare you call me out for the what I'm wearing right and it's like why are you wearing that right so it's it's it's a weird thing of both and I don't like it I think it's a it's really

too I think it's a difference in our our personalities I guess and like I said earlier I think it's really too, I think it's a difference in our personalities, I guess. And like I said earlier, I think that's why we get along so good is I, to a certain point, right, I am respectful to people and all of that stuff. We teach our kids respect, blah, blah, blah. But I don't change who I am for other people. I don't care what other people think. I've always, I kind of dress weird in high school too and feathers and...

But Aniston, that's why a West Texas boy who still wears the same Justin boots and the same pants and he's had the same haircut since he was a third, three years old, that's why he fell in love with you. Because you were his wild girl that was going that you know what I mean like and that's why that's why you married him because you know oh this guy's gonna pay the light bill every month yeah right well and I don't know I always joke with him because he's about seven years older than me so I would say he's a different generation and I know and so I'm like and I think it is it's it's just it. I just don't know, because where do we,

because I was trying to explain to him, the last one that I wanted, I wanted it on my arm. That's not one that I wanted to put on my back that I can't see. And so I'm trying to explain that to him. And so where is, you know, is it a common, is it a fine common ground to him say, okay, well, you can get three more and that's it. No, I don't think that's where it's at because that's, that in my opinion is a recipe for

resentment. Yes. Because at some point it becomes, I've lost autonomy of my body. Yeah. And in a way that's gonna get me in trouble on the internet for saying this, part of me getting married was me saying this is ours. So it's a weird, it's a tension that exists.

This is my body, this is my autonomy. And I entered into a covenant with you that said till death do us part. So it's both and. But I did have some when I met him though. Of course, yes. And here's the thing, that said till death do us part. Mm-hmm. Right? So it's both and. But I did have some when I met him though. Of course, yes. And here's the thing, I want my wife to think I'm attractive.

I do. And she wants to be beautiful for me. It's both and, right? Yeah, I feel like it's just a tug of war. They make me feel pretty or I like them. Okay, stop right there. Stop right there. That's it.

Stop. That's all. That's what I want to hear. They make me feel beautiful. Period. Yeah. Exhale. They make me feel sexy when I'm out with you, Wesley, and you still have that blue and yellow

plaid shirt tucked in. He's not that country boy. He's West Texas, I know. But it makes me feel like I'm a little bit wild. We're at the Aaron Watson concert and the girls with the tattoos on their arms, they dance a little bit, they look like they're having a little bit more fun there, buddy. But the line is, I feel beautiful. And I think every guy married should want his wife

to feel as beautiful as possible. And Wesley, I want you, so, Aniston, I want you to address, the elephant in the room for me is, what does this outward expression by inking up my body, what am I trying to communicate to the world? What does this outward expression by inking up my body, what am I trying to communicate to the world and what am I hoping the world communicates back to me? Cause I may be out to lunch here, but Aniston you feel beautiful

and you want the world to think something of you. And my guess is Wesley has been trying in his West Texas way for all the years y'all been together to tell you those things. And it can often signal that you don't believe him. Oh. That he's been trying to tell you, I think you're beautiful. I think you're perfect just as you are.

I love that you're a little bit wild and also do you have to go that far? No, that's true. And here's the other side of it. Wesley, you've made up some incorrect stories about people who have tattoos, especially women There and so it's a it's a challenge every time Right. And so there's not a I was embarrassed to tell my wife and I grew up again I grew up listening to punk rock music and metalhead and Then when I started getting all tattooed up and I loved it and then I started I started traveling around in every city

I went to instead of going to bars where I can get myself in trouble, I just started getting tattoos. And so I kind of got over my skis on it. And then I made a mess and I had to get more tattoos to make it not so great, right? Anyway, like I remember telling my wife, this is how I've always envisioned myself. And she laughed and she was like, I totally see that.

Cause you've always thought you were this punk rock guy, but you were a nerd. You were a graduate school professor. Right? Yeah. But it was this, okay, now that I'm old, I'm gonna do it. And so it's not a, I guess what I'm gonna put out there, there's gonna be people who, by the way,

please God don't read the comments on this. Just don't do that to yourself. Oh no, I'm not. I'm not. There's gonna be people that say, how dare you? You can do whatever you want. You go girl. This is your life and whatever.. There's gonna be people that say, how dare you, you can do whatever you want, you go girl, this is your life and whatever. And there's some truth to that.

And Wesley, people are gonna tell you, you small-minded West Texas hillbilly, you don't understand, they're gonna tell you that. And then there's gonna be the other side that's like only these kind of loose women of the night get tattooed. They're gonna put that in the comments and they're gonna say,

Wesley, you go find yourself a nice Southern Baptist. You shouldn't have married a Methodist, right? And they're gonna do all that. Here's the deal, none of that crap matters. No. What I love to hear you, Aniston, is be honest at the table. This isn't about like, no, no,

I just wanna honor you guys with my kids and my husband. I want tattoos and this is like kind of awesome and it's cool and I wanna see it it like all that. I feel beautiful. And I like feeling a little bit edgy and I'm 42 and I feel like I'm losing my little bit of edginess and this allows me to stay in the game for another decade. Have those conversations and then Wesley be honest about I can't believe this but I just always assume that people got those were filled in the blank and that's not true and it's awkward it's weird for me. Right. And don't be afraid to say I think you're beautiful with like if she has blonde hair and she comes home dyed

it black you can be like you look beautiful but I think you're more beautiful the way God made you blonde hair and those both of those are okay. So ultimately, y'all make this call together. And I don't have a good, I don't have a good. I need an answer though. It's gonna be a little hard one, but it is. I think this is, but it's been good. So yeah.

I'll tell you how we navigate at my house. I would love for my wife to be completely sleeved up I think that would be that's that's in my head and I don't think she cares either one away. I She's just like wow you did that again. How much was that? I think she's more concerned about men if we put that in a in a Roth IRA what that would have been for our grandkids But Here's what she did. She is so thoughtful that she went and hired an artist and sat down and said, she's been all like reading and she reads a lot.

She's a writer. I have this picture in my head of this and this, and she commissioned an artist who drew an amazing thing and she got it in a very her tattoos down her arm like in very prominent place and so she's she still can't wrap her head that I walk into a tattoo shop and I'm like I don't know man let it rip what do you think she's like that's insane right yeah and she knows my husband thinks this will be beautiful. Yeah. It's both and.

And she's not sleeved up and she's very thoughtful about the ones that she gets, but she is willing to say, okay, let's see what I can do here. What's a middle ground I can find? I'm not going to go sleeved up all the way, it's just not me. And if we see somebody out who's all sleeved up, she'll be like, she'll nudge me and be like, there she is. Check that out. And so she's not trying to hide anything. And I'm not weird and gross and like, oh my gosh, look how hot she is. I'm not an idiot. But also she's like, okay, I'm going to do this, but I'm going to do it all the way the way I would do it thoughtfully.

Take some time. I'm going to hire an artist and get exactly as I want. I I'm gonna go in with a tattoo artist that we trust I have here with Kate here in Nashville like we're gonna do a great artist who's amazing and and That's just the way we found common ground there. And now I've committed like dude. I'm taking a break I'm gonna take some time off. Kelly's still cranking them out. God almighty She's got to make tattoos the amount of of cover-up you have to go through every day Kelly is tattoos. The amount of cover-up you have to go through every day, Kelly, is astounding to me. The whole studio back there is just a big poof of powder because she's so covered up. But we can see it. You're wearing that deep, deep V today. We can see that Old English right above your navel. If you're just listening, Kelly is... She went deep with the V today. You can see she didn't, anyway.

But Aniston Wesley, all I can say is, here's my final verdict, not giving one. But when we come back, we're gonna talk to a man whose brother-in-law just came out as transgender and he's trying to figure out what's the right way to set boundaries. All right, it's time for a quick word about my friends at Delete Me.

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It means the world. All right, Little Rock, Arkansas. Let's talk to Roberto. What's up, Robert? Hey, Dr. John, how are you this morning? I'm good, brother. What's up with you? Oh, not a whole lot.

Just, I've been watching your show for a couple years now and had something come up that I kind of needed some guidance on. I was really happy to hear that y'all would be willing to listen. Yeah, bring it man. What's up? All right. So my brother-in-law recently came out as trans and my wife wants to support him, but

I feel that the way that she wants to support them could cause my kids to be subjected to things that they can't really comprehend. And tell me about that. How does she want to support him? So, roughly a year ago, he made posts on Instagram showing that he enjoyed wearing women's clothes. And then roughly a month ago or so, he made a post on Facebook showing that coming out is trans. And so, I'm kind of wondering if he knows start, well, did he not give a new name?

Does she have a new name now that she wants to go by? Uh, no, that's the thing I'm saying. It's a little confusing to me because, uh, I, well, I say he, but she, uh, hasn't given a new name or anything. And I still call them, well, I'm not going to say the name out loud, but I still call them the same name and they respond to it. And we talk and we have a good relationship, you know, as, you know, brother-in-law to brother-in-law or sister-in-law.

Right now when you're talking to me, just know it's a confusing thing and nobody here on this phone call is going to beat you up for trying to figure out somebody you knew for a long time. One of my biggest challenges is when somebody makes a big change like this, that there's not grace for people trying to say the right thing and do the right thing and get the name right and get the gender expression right. Like that's hard. It's a mess. It's tough.

And so everybody needs to be compassionate on every side. So dude, I know you're doing your best to try to honor, honor your brother-in-law slash sister-in-law and the name is the same, but also the Instagram post, like I get it's all just messy. So just know I'm not going to beat you up for either way. Okay. I can hear in your your voice you're trying to do this right and you got some concerns to okay so same team here right yeah this is definitely new waters for me sure it's new waters for everybody

what is everybody do y'all live in the same community no we live less than an hour apart. Okay. How often do you see each other? We don't see, yeah, we don't see each other just a lot. Maybe like four times a year. Okay. Something like that.

So before we get to the kids part and all that, here's what I think would be a huge thing for your soul. Because I don't have a name and I don't have, I don't have good context. I'm trying to honor everybody here. You called in about your brother-in-law. So I'm not trying to name shame anybody. I'm just going to call him your brother-in-law. Okay.

Cause I don't have any other context here. I would, I would call your brother-in-law or if she prefers because she's just a lot of call this person and let's set up a lunch together. Like you drive half I'll drive half and here's what we're doing. We're just listening to the story because all you have right now is some phone calls and Instagram posts and what I want to do is put my eyes on you see how you're doing and let's get to the human being behind the the social media posts and behind all of the political rhetoric that's gone on the last eight years and still going on now does that make sense yeah it makes total sense because here's what's

happened I don't want to assume anything and I don't want to jump into anything that's right on either side you don't want to jump into anything. That's right. On either side. You don't want to just be like, alright, whatever. Because you're worried about your kids and, and I'll address that in a second, and you don't want to be not compassionate and even just a list of questions like, hey, how do I best love you? What do you want me to call you? Like,

please have some grace with me when I mess this up. Like, it's putting all that out on the table. Right? Because of the political landscape on both sides over the last decade or so, the moment somebody says a thing, they're instantly thrown into a group, right? Take transgender out. That's just such a third rail topic right now. The moment you buy a Tesla, well, it used to mean you were a super liberal,

now it means you're a super, right? We just are so intent on categorizing everybody instantly as fast as we possibly can to decide every single variable in their life. And my 20 plus years of sitting behind closed doors with countless people, it's way more complex than that. And so, getting at a table at a diner in Arkansas somewhere and saying, dude, tell me what's going on.

Tell me about your life and tell me about your journey. I'm just here to listen. It is a great place to start. That sounds like a good idea. I think, I think it's probably my, my best next action, I guess. Can I tell you what you're going to find out here? If, if this person sits down with you and you're like, man, this caught me off guard, and they drop their shoulders and say,

yeah, this is a big one, then you know you're talking to somebody who is graceful and compassionate and who has been hurting inside and extends you the same grace they wish people had extended them. If this person attacks you at the table, then you know, then that's the thing I'm more worried about.

You get what I'm saying? Right. And I think you just find a lot about out with a, sitting across the table from somebody. You don't have to do that. That's just what I would do in my, I'm thinking of my brother-in-law right now. That's what I would do.

Okay, so keep going. What does support look like? Your sister says, I want to support him. Tell me, I mean, your wife says, I want to do that. That's just what I would do. I'm thinking of my brother-in-law right now. That's what I would do. Okay, so keep going. What does support look like? Your sister says, I want to support him. Tell me, I mean, your wife says I want to support him. Like, tell me what your fears are about that. Well, just complete honesty. Yeah, just let it rip, let it rip. Particularly, I don't particularly believe

in the gender ideology movement. Sure. And it's not because religious reasons or anything. It's just personal reasons, kind of common sense. Sure. But I'm more libertarian in the sense that I do believe that they have the right to live however they want to live as long as they're not bothering someone else, you know, causing someone else, you know, major issues and, um, and the ground rules I would want to lay out. And I spoke with my wife

about this. It would be, you know, keep the cross-dressing to a very minimum when they come over to the house. And she wasn't too happy with that. And what would holding, A, what would that mean? And B, what would that accomplish for you? Well, there's a lot of things that I've had to either explain to the kids so far and their young kids. I'll say, you know, under six years old and there's a lot of things that I've had to explain to them.

And there's also a lot of things that I've had to tell them. That's not something that you should worry about right now. Give me an example. We'll talk about it in the future. Well, we were, we were driving in the truck and I was listening to some music and oh, there was a song. My daughter asked me, can you remember the name of the song at the moment? Oh, the midnight toker. And my daughter asked me, what is a midnight toker? And I'm like, maybe I shouldn't listen to this song in the car with my kids. It's legal in Little Rock.

You're good. You're good. Steve Miller. Yeah. Great song, but maybe it's something that they should listen to when they get a little bit older. But I just had to tell her, you know, that's something that you and I can talk about when you get older and just put it in the back of your mind,

don't worry about it, it's nothing important. So just so you know, what you did was you planted a seed and you fertilized the crap out of it. What's a midnight toker? What's a midnight toker? And what she also learned is that these kinds of questions aren't okay with that. And that means the first kid at school

that says something about toking, she's like, you know what a midnight toker is? And that's how one thing leads to another thing, which leads to come over at midnight tomorrow. Versus, have you ever heard of marijuana? What? You ever heard of marijuana? What? You ever heard of marijuana? No.

It's a plant people can smoke like a cigarette and it makes their brain all silly. Really? Yeah. They used to do it back and I'm just going to explain it and in our house we don't do that. Yeah. Do you get the difference? Yeah. Do you get the difference? Yeah.

And so there's a hundred percent chance that your kids will at some point be somewhere and see somebody with very masculine features that was a man at one point in their life now dressed like their mom. And there will be some confusion. Every house is different. I'm just going to tell you, my house, I want my kids to ask any and all of those questions while they're still with me. And so when somebody sits down at our house

who's transgender, which has happened, and they say, is that a guy wearing a dress? I can say, well, let's have that conversation. That happens sometimes. And here's the narrative. It's not me saying I approve of it. It's not me saying that, yeah, you can just make up whatever gender you want

on whatever day, it's not any of those things. It is saying, you're gonna run into these things in the world and I want to communicate to you. I will always be a better source than Google. And hear me say, I'm not gonna be responsible for the values you make in your house. If you're uncomfortable with anybody sitting at your table, you have a right to say,

I don't want this person at my table. Any and all of these choices we make just come with consequences, right? And in this case, it's you versus your wife or your brother-in-law. I think a lot of this smoke is cleared by sitting down and having a conversation and just exhaling and saying, dude, it's going to be weird if you show up at my house in a full dress, in full makeup, because I know you as my brother-in-law, we fixed the car

together, we've done these things together. And this person may say, all that stuff will still be true. I'll still be with the car. I'm still good at, you get what I'm saying? Yeah. Yeah. But I don't want you to get off this phone call with trying to import my set of values. Okay.

I want you to be- No, but you make a lot of good points. I feel like maybe I've, maybe I've got this preconceived notion already. And instead of just, you know, hitting his head on, I'd rather just, you know, push it to the side and just try and not, not deal with it or, you know, not bother with it, but I need to just, I need to go eat lunch. You know? Bro, if you... Have a conversation.

If all of us, myself included, would navigate the world like you did with what you just said, I think we'd have a radically different world. A radically different world. That may be the most courageous, brave, and heroic thing I've heard in a long time. Maybe I just need to go have lunch with them. Whoever they happen to be. Republicans, Democrats, people on the other end of the aisle, somebody who's identifying as transgender now

after being my brother-in-law for all these years, somebody who's as a previous caller, somebody who's covered up in tattoos, somebody who's not... somebody from California versus somebody from Texas, maybe I should just go have lunch with them. That's how we change this whole thing guys. That's how we get hope back. Thanks for the call brother Robert. You are the man, man Peter Pan Stan. It's been an honor to talk to you. Next up, we talk to a mom who's wondering if she is too protective of her kids. I've been on board with the benefits

of red light therapy for a long time. And that's why I'm excited to tell you about bond charge. Our lives are lived almost entirely inside under the harrowing glow of fluorescent lights, little screens, medium sized screens, and big screens, all of this stuff affects our mood, our sleep, our anxiety, and studies are showing it. And this is why I love Bond Charge.

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Go to bondcharge.com slash deloney and use coupon code deloney to save 15%. That's B-O-N-C-H-A-R-G-E bondcharge.com slash deloney and use coupon code deloney to save 15%. All right, Fresno, California. Let's talk to Kylie. What's up, Kylie? Hi. Hi. How are you doing?

I'm doing fantastic. What's up with you? Doing good. Just sitting in my garage, freezing my butt off. Freezing? In Fresno? It sure is. How cold is it?

As freezing as Fresno is. I have no idea. Like probably 60. That's like a deep summer sweat if you're from Montana. All right. So what's up? So basically my question is like, am I too hypervigilant with my kids? Whenever I go out of the house, basically, I just have like a slew of worst case scenarios running through my mind at all times. And am I right to do that? Is that just like the day and age that we're living in? Or do I need to do some things to make myself just stop and, I guess, live more in the moment

than trying to go through all these different scenarios. You've been running scenarios your whole life. When did that start? I don't know really. Probably, yeah, probably my whole life like you said. What did you need to do? What were you, what did you need to stay safe from as a kid?

Remember a whole lot of my childhood. Yep. I mean, but it wasn't like terrible. That's what people say when things weren't super great. I listened to the show a lot and I just heard myself saying that I've heard 50 other people say before. It just comes out like, I need to defend everybody. What did you need to stay safe from as a kid?

Honestly, nothing bad. I spent a lot of time with elderly relatives as a young kid and probably just like a defense mechanism of my parents not really being like 100% there all the time, but. Where were they? Working. So you spent a lot of time with aunts and uncles and grandparents? Yeah.

Were those good times? Yes, as far as I can remember, everything was good. Okay. Where were your parents working? My mom works in like real estate. My dad's a teacher, but like a CTE teacher. So he did like a lot of extracurricular stuff outside of like regular school hours. So he worked pretty long days also. Gotcha. How was college?

How was college? I didn't go to college. Well, I did like a couple of years of community college pretty off and on, but just started having babies at 22. And just been a stay at home mom ever since. How's your marriage? It's great. It's good. I love my husband.

So what do you, what do you want to protect your kids from? What are you scared of? Um, just like if I have to go to the park, hold on one second, hold on one second. I want you to really say it. What am I trying to the world? I guess I know, but there's some very recurring. There you go. What are the specifics?

Because you're going to, you don't say it out loud ever because you're afraid people can think you're crazy or they can take your kids away. And so you just keep bearing it and the loop gets louder and louder and louder. Just say it. What are some things you're scared of the pictures you have in your head? I'm getting kidnapped. Okay. Like my number one fear that keeps coming up over and over again.

That you're going to be at a park with them. So he's going to grab and over again. That you're going to be at a park with them, someone's going to grab them and take off? Yeah. And since I have three, like how am I going to chase somebody if they grab one of my kids and I have two other ones that I need to keep track of? What else? The other one that like really, that was like kind of a catalyst for me writing in the question is we went to Yosemite for the day and went for a hike and I like couldn't even look around because I was so glued to them.

Cause there were so many people there obviously. And then there was the fear of them like falling off of the side of the cliff. And then we got to this one point of the trail where it's like a really rushing river with the bridge and there's railing, but it's not like a super sturdy railing and I just, I couldn't breathe because I was picturing one of them falling off of the edge. And this is one of those things that's both very true, it's right. If you got three little knuckleheaded kids you should be worried about one of them flying off the edge.

That's a real fear. But I'm guessing you wouldn't be calling me if your body didn't respond as though every minute of that walk, one of your kids had fallen off. Yeah. Yeah. That's a good way to put it. Like I felt like it already happened, not that it was going to happen. Right. Like I felt like it already happened, not that it was going to happen. Right.

And so if you back out a little bit, we could dig through, let me, can I run through a few things and just, we're going to do real quick, play a 30 second anxiety roulette game? Okay. What's the state of your finances and your marriage? Marriage, good finances, we are very close to getting on top of, but in the past haven't always been great. Okay, what's your housing situation? We own our home, about to move pretty soon.

Where to? By a new home. Pretty close by, like one town over. Where are you moving? House is too small, we're upgrading. Okay, what about friends? Friends are- Who do you hang out with? I have a really good group of mom friends that I just recently started hanging out with and they've helped me get out of my shell.

Okay, hold on. That's not a really good group of mom friends. That's, I've just started spending some time with them women that I'm practicing trusting. Yeah. Is that fair? Yes. Okay. How recent? Two weeks or two years? Probably around a year. Okay.

All right. What's your sex intimacy life like? High level. Good. Good? Okay. What's the status of your health? Trying to get better.

What's the status of your health? Trying to get better. What's that mean? I just I've had kidney issues in the past and like that kind of keeps me on edge like thinking that I could be in the hospital any minute with another kidney infection, but Trying to drink more water exercise exercise more That honestly could be another factor with the anxiety thing and my kids getting hurt because I have a brittle bones disease and broke a lot of bones as a kid.

I'm laughing with you. Remember a minute ago when I said, tell me about your childhood? No, it was great, Except my bones would always break. I don't have any memories. I don't think about it because my parents never made me feel like that was something that limited me. Like I just forced my good cheerleading.

It doesn't matter. Your bones were breaking. Dude, you could give your kid like, you can do anything except my legs explode Right Yeah, what's the what's the nature of brittle bone disease? What's what's the actual diagnostic? It's called osteogenesis imperfecta. I have the least severe type. Oh good. So you're going to minimize that too. Oh cool I only mostly have a I mean compared to the people who have the most severe.

Alright good. I've got some weird... Wait, awesome. Here's all I want you to do. Okay, I'm going to send you a copy of Building a Non-Anxious Life, my book. Okay, I want you and your husband to follow the map in the book, okay? Okay. Here's my, I'm just guessing and only because I've just, I can't tell you how many people

with anxiety I've sat with over the years, countless, myself included. I'm going to make up something that may or may not have any validity to it, but I want to just give you an example of what I'm looking at, okay? If you're a little bitty kid who knows, hey, if a wrong step and my ankle just breaks or me swinging a baseball bat and my elbow may just break, right? Or my shoulder socket may just break. It's the least severe, I know, but it just happens. And mom and dad are gone all the time. And I'm looking at my elderly relatives that are amazing, they're great, they're caring,

but there's a little kid saying, where's my mom and dad, where's my mom and dad, where's my mom and dad? At any moment, my arm's gonna break. But as a recipe for a kid with a pretty finely tuned nervous system and a pretty cautious next step, you had to have that next step because you were in charge of you at a very young age.

Doesn't mean anyone was bad. It doesn't mean anybody didn't love you, yada yada. But that meant you were very unaware. My daughter has a peanut allergy and I didn't find this out until at the very end of her first grade year that they made her sit at a table all by herself. Could not believe it. But she has a very finely tuned, if I eat the wrong thing, I'm dead. And there's an anxiousness that's just wound into that, right?

That's real. That's just a reality that you live with that she lives with. And then you get married and then finances are tough. And then you start having babies and then your kidneys and then your body And then there's this and then I'm just gonna be on Instagram because I don't have a lot of people I got three young kids my husband's at work. I'm here by myself and and and and and and and and and Because here's what I promise if you hired two full-time security guards just to watch your kids That's spinning loop inside your head would just move to the next thing

That spinning loop inside your head would just move to the next thing. What if the fires get up to Fresno? We're going to get covered up with fires. And then your husband would get fire insurance and take the neighbors houses and like raise them to the ground and then put up a fire break and then it would move to the next thing. And then it would move to the next thing. You get what I'm saying? My guess is this has happened most of your life. Maybe not, but generally this doesn't come out of a vacuum. And the questions I want you to do is this, I want you to back

all the way out. Yes, it's right to be nervous that your kids are going to fall off a high like whatever at Yosemite, of course. It's not normal that you put some boundaries in for your kids, you take the right precautions and then you can look up and be awe inspired full of wonder too. Both things can be true. And right now it feels impossible because your body's just sounding every alarm it has all the time. Does that sound, you're telling me if I'm out to lunch or if you're like, oh God, you're hitting it right on the head. Get it right on the head. Okay. You have to listen to this promise I'm going to make you.

If you will head directly into these alarms, and by the way, you cannot go by yourself. You got to get a counselor, you got to get a couple of girlfriends that will walk with you. I have peace on the other side of this that I did not know was possible. Okay. I'm going to tell you something crazy. You know what I do at night? I just lay down and fall asleep. Can you imagine that? How is that possible? Right? You know what I do at night? I just lay down and fall asleep.

Can you imagine that? How is that possible? Right, exactly. You mean you don't like worry that someone's gonna break in through your kid's window? I can't even read a book. I read three pages and I just fall asleep. I'm out. Now I still have OCD.

I still go check the locks seven times. But then when I go in my room, I fall asleep and I'm kaput, comically kaput. I can't get my kids away from my presence because I'm not an anxious nuclear reactor anymore. I have just a peace that's about me. But the only way is going straight into those alarms. Now when I still have a fear of heights, it's a hilarious thing.

I'm not scared of fighting. I'm not scared of guns. I'm scared of heights and I don't know why. But when I'm with my son and we're walking somewhere really high, like for hiking on a ridge or we're doing something and I'll say, Hey, I need you to take care of your old man on this one. And he'll laugh and he'll like fake one fake like he's gonna fall off.

And then he walks really carefully with me. And I tell him, I need you to do this because it makes me, right? I am outsourcing this to you for a second. Please don't walk by that railing. And, but it's a funny thing now. It's not life or death. And I've been life or death.

I get it, man. It's like being betrayed by your own body, right? Yeah. Yeah, it's a nightmare Oh You're not crazy, can I tell you that Thank you, and I promise there's peace on the other end of this hang on the line I'm gonna send you building a non-anxious Life. It's my best selling book. I want you to read it.

I'll even send you a link to the audio book. I know your mom with three little kids, if you just want to put it in your headphones and go for a walk around the neighborhood, then you can do that. And there's questions at the end of every chapter that I want you and your husband to go through together. And it's just laying everything out.

What is my body trying to solve for right now? And it might be health and healing. It might be my body is constantly worried about my bones. So I need to make sure I go to the doctor on a regular basis. We can't afford that. Okay, we got to get our finances all that. You just follow the map there. Okay, but your anxiousness is right. And is there such thing as too hyper

vigilant? 1 million percent. Yes. Is there a chance kids get kidnapped? Yep. Is it nearly the prevalence that's in the media? Not even in the same universe. Do I let my kids play out in the yard and oh my son's 15 he rides the bike all over Nashville. Do I get nervous? Yeah, of course. Is he 15? Like, yes, he's just good. Go do his thing. Do I let my daughter go two miles away by herself? No. Do I let my daughter run around outside with some friends? Absolutely. Yes, I do. I do.

We're solving for peace here. Thank you for the call, Kylie. You're a brave, awesome mom. We're solving for peace here. Thank you for the call, Kylie. You're a brave, awesome mom. We'll be right back. Alright, it's time to talk about Helix. Summer is here. Sun's up earlier, school's out, so the kids are going bananas.

And if you're like me, your daily routine has exploded. And when that happens, what's the first thing that tanks? Sleep. So I'm gonna be real with you. When I'm not sleeping well, I'm short with my wife, I'm grumpy with my kids and at work, everything feels harder than it should.

Sleep isn't just about closing your eyes and resting. It's about being able to show up the next day as the kind of person you wanna be for yourself and for those who need you to show up for them. That's why I sleep on a Helix mattress. Before Helix, I tried all kinds of mattresses. They were too soft or too stiff, had memory foam that felt like quicksand, whatever it is, you name it, but Helix matched me with the perfect mattress based on how I sleep

and based on who I sleep next to. Yes, they've even got mattress options for couples who need different feels on the same bed. It's incredible. So get online and take the Helix Sleep Quiz just like I did. It takes less than two minutes and they'll match you with the perfect mattress that's just right for you. Plus right now my audience gets exclusive savings on the Helix Fourth of July sale, 27% off site wide. Go to helixsleep.com slash deloney and get 27% off. That's Helix, H-E-L-I-X, helixsleep.com slash deloney.

With Helix, better sleep starts right now. All right, Kelly, something cool happened. What's up? All right. So this guy asked to remain anonymous, so we'll respect that. He writes, I wanted to say thank you for taking the call from the young lady who went through a divorce at 24. A little behind the scenes.

We took a call very recently that just aired. She was 24, had gone through a divorce and was wondering how to tell people when she was dating. Oh yeah, I remember that call. Okay. Yeah, yeah. As a fellow 24 year old who's currently going through a divorce, after I found out about my spouse's infidelity with a coworker, this call helped immensely, helped me guide and helped guide me toward the next right steps. Allowing myself to go through this grieving process she mentioned,

once it was finalized, while using your advice on giving myself time to drop my shoulders, exhale and give myself some grace has been instrumental in helping me navigate the complicated emotions that are part of this journey. Also, being able to realize that I am not alone in this experience has helped me confront the stigma in the dating world that I have nothing to hide and it does not define me. It is just part of my story. Thank you again for being you and everything you do on the show. Dude, thanks Anonymous. That means the world, man. That means the world. Very cool. I don't even have anything to add to that. That was just awesome and nice and kind. And I wish you the best in your

new romantic dating adventures. Make good choices and don't swipe, just meet somebody in person. For God's sake, don't get near as many tattoos as Kelly has. It's too much. It's too much. Love you, bye.