The Dr. John Delony Show - I Was a Victim of Sex Trafficking

Episode Date: July 23, 2021

The Dr. John Delony Show is a caller-driven show that offers real people a chance to be heard as they struggle with relationship issues and mental health challenges. John will give you practical advice on how to connect with people, how to take the next right step when you feel frozen, and how to cut through the depression and anxiety that can feel so overwhelming. You are not alone in this battle. You are worth being well—and it starts by focusing on what you can control. Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show. We want to talk to YOU!   Show Notes for this Episode   How can I help my son through his divorce? I was sex trafficked in a previous relationship. How do I tell my husband about this? https://burkefoundation.org/what-drives-us/adverse-childhood-experiences-aces/ Lyrics of the Day: "I Saw Red" - Warrant   As heard on this episode:  BetterHelp Redefining Anxiety John's Free Guided Meditation Ramsey+   tags: parenting, kids, divorce, family, trauma/PTSD, sexuality/intimacy, marriage, counseling/therapy   These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.`

Hey, on today's show, we talk about hard, hard stuff. So please watch out for the little ears in the room. Talk to a mom who's trying to love her son through his divorce. We talk to a woman who's experienced the depths of trauma and is trying to claw her way back. Stay tuned. What up, what up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney show. The show about your life, your challenges, the good stuff, the bad stuff, your mental health, your relationships, your families, your boundaries, your workplace, all of it. I'm here to walk alongside you.

It's one of the greatest honors of my life. People from all over the planet call in and say, hey man, I got nobody to talk to. Or I've tried to get some information from this person, from that person, and I just, can you help me out? Yes, and if I can't, we'll make it up as we go. And hey, by the way, this is the second attempt to record this episode.

We got into the last episode, and Ben Hill is pinch-hitting for James. It's true. Ben is more technically proficient than James by 100 miles, right? Oh, 100%. Yeah, no question. The one key feature, though, that we've discovered in recording, I don't know, we're up to almost 150 episodes here. One of the cornerstone practices of recording a podcast or a YouTube show is actually hitting the record button.

And you can turn all the microphones on and the music. It sounds all cool. Everybody back there, like Kelly's waving her arm. She's like, it's another show. None of that happens, by the way. She pretty much looks like she's reading a phone book. But everybody gets all excited. Ben, you forgot to hit the record button, man.

I did. I let you down, John. I admit that. You let down Earth. I let down everyone. But listen, here's what you've done bravely. You owned it. I let you down, John. I admit that. You let down Earth. I let down everyone. But listen, here's what you've done bravely. You owned it. I caught it.

So here's some inside baseball. We've done whole episodes where James didn't hit the record button. And I love talking about him because he's not here. It's so great. And he's going to edit all this out, which is even greater. It's so fun. But Ben, stepping in to pinch hit, says, hey, hey, hey, let's just stop everything. I forgot to hit the record button.

Can we do this again? Yes, we can. Yes, we can. Ben, you're a man of integrity. Glad you're recording. And if you're not, no one will even hear this. It'll be great. But listen, so glad you're taking care of the podcast.

And I'm so glad to all the listeners who are joining us today, whether you're in your car, you're by yourself, you're on a hike, you're on a walk, you're vacuuming, whatever it is you're doing, so glad you're with us. We're going to have a good time. We're going to have a tough time. We're going to walk alongside some folks. If you want to be on this show, give me a call at 1-844-693-3291. It's 1-844-693-3291. Leave a message. Kelly will

call you back or go to johndeloney.com slash ask. She might not call you back if she doesn't want to have you on the show or I don't even know what she's doing. So anyway, all right, let's go to Susie in Lubbock, Texas. Hey, Susie, what's going on? Hi, how are you? I'm doing all right. How about you? Oh, okay. Hanging in there.

Hanging in there. Is it awesome that you have called into easily the most professional, classy, clean podcast radio show on earth? It's pretty awesome, I think. It's super awesome. Absolutely. It feels like sometimes we're driving down the street in like a 1993 Chrysler minivan, and callers just have their thumb out,

and we're like, dumb and dumb, we're like, pick them up! So come on in, Susie, ride along with us. We're so glad you're here. What's that? Mock, yeah, yeah, pick them up! All right, Susie, so along with us. We're so glad you're here. What is that? Mock. Yeah. Yeah.

Pick them up. All right, Susie, so what's going on? Well, I have a bit of a family situation. I have a 24-year-old son that has been married about a year and a half, and his wife has left and filed for divorce. I feel like her family is really fueling it. They're definitely supporting it. And I'm struggling to know where my place is and how involved I should be,

how I can help my son, how I can encourage him. And I just, I just don't know what I can do to help. Yeah. Ugh, that's powerless and a scary feeling, huh? Totally. And tell me if I'm wrong, and just off the top of my head, it feels like there's two main hurts here, three main hurts. Number one, that's your little boy, and he's heartbroken and devastated,

and nobody likes to see their kid hurt, right? So that one's real, right? And then there's – That's the worst. Yeah, it's awful. And like, what do I do? How do I help this? And then there's this other thing, which is, man, how do you not turn into somebody who's whining and complaining and pointing fingers and blaming but everybody in your community out there in the you know west texas and eastern new mexico in that community

how's your son doing and now you're gonna have to tell the story and there's a part of you somewhere down there it's gonna feel like you screwed something up. Yeah. Like if you had done X, Y, and Z, then you would not have it. You're a mom of a divorced kid now. And there's like a, like a thing in your heart about that. Am I right? Well, I, I'm a, a divorced mom. So.

Oh no. Okay. That's a, that is a brick I struggle with. Yeah. And also you've been down this road before. Okay. That is a brick I struggle with. Yeah. And also, you've been down this road before. Yeah. Oh, man. Few things set our body response systems off more than break our hearts is when new wounds just peel back what we thought was healed scars, right?

Man. just peel back what we thought was healed scars right man so here's the sucky part and here's the honest as i can part um well actually before i do that before i just start yik yakin what does help look like when you say man how do i help what what do you imagine do you imagine coming in what are some things you can say and do that will hold this marriage together that will help them heal? What does help look like for you? Yes. Help to me is getting her to listen to me and just say stop it and just her stopping it.

That's what I want her to do is just stop it. You're my favorite person I've talked to today. That's so incredible. Do you have that kind of relationship with her? You know, I thought that I did. I honestly thought that I did. And that's part of the hurt is that she has decided that she won't talk to me. She does not want to talk to me and told me, I will not sit down and talk to you.

So can I flip that around for a second? Yes. I bet she can't talk to you. So can I flip that around for a second? Yes. I bet she can't talk to you. I bet she can't. Whether, and I say that, she could, right? She could stand up, be strong, take the next step and all those, you know, things. She could be a disciplined person, a person of character and integrity and have that conversation. She could.

But my guess is her family has drawn a thick line, which is them or us. And my guess is in her 23 or 24 year old little heart and mind, she doesn't have the words or tools to stare at somebody who she knows has been down this road before. Y'all probably talked about this, about your divorce, about your, y'all probably had those conversations before. Man, she's got a wheelbarrow full of monkeys that she's carrying around. And I don't know that she's got the ability, the tools, or the cognitive capacity, character,

or what you're going to say. I don't know that she can have that conversation with you. And that's one of those things that you're going to carry around with you until you decide to let that go. Because there's a part of you that is, yeah, you just said it. You're hurt by her. Don't give that power to her. You can have your heart broken by her.

You can be frustrated by her. Don't let her hurt you because I don't think she's being intentional. I think she's staring down the barrel of a whole bunch of stuff, right? Yes. So why is she leaving your son?'s hard yeah i know it's it's yeah i mean it sound like it's like hey man just put the broom down i know it's not that easy right um but if every time you think if she would just if you could switch that and catch yourself and say i'm heartbroken that she can't maybe one day will. But I would look at it as a matter of capacity and ability, not as a matter of character.

It might be character, but that's not going to get anybody anywhere. You know what I mean? Why is she walking out on your son? Well, you know, they're young and probably, well, they're not mature. And he will admit. Wait, what? Hold on. Yeah.

24-year-old married couple's not mature? What are you talking about? With a one-year-old. How dare you, Susie? I got married when I was 24, and I was the wisest guy ever. That was part of the problem, actually. I knew everything when I was 24 and young and married. And I didn't have a one-year-old.

Jeez Louise. Okay. So they're immature, like all 24-year-olds are. And if you're 24 and listening to this, yes, you. Yeah, right there through. Man, Caitlin's running the video monitor today, and she's like, what, me? Yes, Caitlin, you. Right. Oh, manperienced, you know, he went out partying one too many times with the guys. Not his finest moment, not something he should have been doing, but I don't believe it's something that they can't work through. And so I guess that's where

I'm struggling. Did he cheat on her? Because I want to fix it. No. Okay. There's been no infidelity, no drug use, no abuse, just. An idiotic 24-year-old being an idiotic 24-year-old. Yes. Okay. Not that it excuses it, but I get what you're saying.

Yeah. Again, I think it's something that can be fixed and can be worked through, but she's insisting that it can't, and she's done. And that breaks my heart because they have a one-year-old. Absolutely. And it changes all of their lives. Forever. Forever. And that little baby's life forever, too. And so I feel like, okay, I know he's grown. I know she's grown.

But because I'm the parent and because I've been there, I feel like as parents and as a family, we should be encouraging them to go to counseling, encouraging them to work it out, not to walk away. But so her side of the family is like, no, be done with him and walk away. And that's what I'm, that breaks my heart too. Yeah. So you can't, nothing you can do can help her side of the family. Right. You can't, can't change the way they talk to her. You can't change their views on marriage.

You can't change their views on your son. Right. And if they called me, they would probably tell me about some rambunctious guy that's running the street at night, hanging out with his buddies while his wife's home caring for a newborn, right? They'd tell me that. That'd be their story, right? Yeah.

And it would be true also, right? So it's both. It's all of it. I'm with you. I don't think that's a reason to cash in on a marriage, but I also don't know how many times she's met with them. If they've gone to, I don't know any of that kind of stuff, right? And every single couple on the planet, I don't care how well parents think they know their kids, there's always stuff behind closed doors.

Always. You know that better than anybody, right? Yeah. Here's the hard part for you. You are in a relationship with this woman for the rest of your life. She is the mother of your grandchild, right? Any ill will you harbor towards her, any poison you put out into the water or into the air will be drank and breathed up by your grandkid.

And that's how trauma moves through family generations and generations and generations. One, because one parent just pops up and says, I'm getting divorced, right? That lights the forest fire. And then resentment, disdain, anger, ugliness, running people down, being pissed off all the time. That's what fuels that fire for generations. And so what you're going to have to do in short order is decide in your soul, I'm not going to go to war with his ex-wife. I can't control her as much as I want to. I can love the crap out of my son.

And what does that look like? That looks like, man, this is a severe, severe consequence, but he needs to get his life in order, right? He's got a little baby. He's going to have to stop running in the streets. And those are some conversations you can have with him now is he's going to heal and go, what now? Because the temptation is going to be to double down on that. That's the only community he's got left. That's the only connection he's got left, right? You're going to have to really be there for him to walk alongside him there. So your help, if you, the way I see it, your help is going to be helping him heal, helping him be a man of character that's going to contribute to whatever arrangement some court is going to decide for their family.

Making sure that he never, ever talks bad about that woman in front of his kid because that's just going to be running down that kid's mom. And that he's going to have to grow up real, real fast. When I hear help, that's what I hear. I don't know that you can stop this train that's already left the station. I think you can help this thing stay on the tracks. And I know that feels so powerless. Have you called her parents? Yes. How did that go? Not well. Tell me about it. They just said they support her decision and they're not going to encourage her to stay in a relationship where she's not happy. So that's where they stand.

Okay. Even though I pleaded with them, I would never. I love her and I have only tried to encourage her even through this whole thing. I've reached out to her to tell her I love her. I'm not going to stop praying. I want the best. I never want her to be mistreated by anyone ever. Even if it's your own son.

Exactly. And I wanted them both, you know, to get healing, that they could do this. But her parents told me that they don't support her staying with him. What happened with your divorce? Give me a quick synopsis of that. Oh, gosh. My divorce was the reason we got divorced or just the process itself. We were married 11 years, and it was an on-again, off-again relationship before we got married.

We had good years and a lot of bad years. We weren't kind to one another in the end and just could never get on the same page. Who ultimately left who? Neither. It was sort of a mutual, but my husband is the one who actually filed for divorce. Is there anything about what just happened with your son that you see in your ex-husband? Yes. The unwillingness to talk about it.

The unwillingness to actually have the hard conversations, make the changes, stick it out, even though it's not fun. So part of you thinks that at some level, how old was he when y'all got divorced? How old was my son? 10. 10. So you had a 10-year-old little boy in your house. And whether you thought it or not, you had a mission. I'm going to raise a different kind of man.

Right? However misguided or opportunistic or whatever, I'm going to raise a different kind of man. One that fill in the blank. I need you to be at peace with your soul that you didn't fail anything. Okay? Even though you're watching history repeat itself in real time. Susie sentencing Susie to a lifetime of more punishment won't keep this marriage together. It won't keep you well and whole.

It won't help your relationship with your son, and he needs you right now. I need Susie to be really kind and forgiving to Susie. Why are you laughing? That's hard. I know. I know. It's way harder to be kind to myself than it is to someone else. It is. It's way harder because you know what you think and you know your attitudes, you know your judgments and you know your whatever. But I need you to be kind to Susie. And when you treat Susie with dignity and respect, the same dignity and respect you would hope that they'll treat your grandkid or your son or your daughter-in-law, then you can talk openly and honestly with your son about, hey, what's

happened has happened. You can learn one thing. You got to change your life. Because your son's got some major growing up to do. Major growing up to do. And the hardest part of any parent who has adult kids is that you can't make him change. You just can't.

You can love him and encourage him. You can double down on connecting with him. Invite him over for lunch, have coffee with him, write him letters, make sure you're texting him, all those things. But he's going to decide I'm not going to go with my buddies anymore. I'm going to get a job and clean my crap up. As far as his ex-wife, it sounds like that ship has sailed. If I'm you, I would leave no stone unturned.

What does that mean? That means I would write her a letter. That's the only way you can get to her now. And let her know that you love her and care about her. And you're really honored to have her in your family. You'd love it if she stayed. You're going to be a great grandmother to their baby. You're never going to say something negative about her.

Put all that in writing for her, and tell her that you're not going to give up on your son. You're going to keep pushing on him, and prodding on him, and doing every motherly thing you can to get him to change his life and turn that crap around. But instead of telling her what she needs to be doing right now, we all know that. We all know.

We all also know that we don't know what went on behind closed doors and we know that, man, at some point she's going to cut off relationships with everybody. And you're playing a long game now with your grandkid. And your grandkid's mom.

And your grandkid's dad. Hate that for you, Susie. I know it's heartbreaking. Start with being kind to Susie. Start with doubling down on loving your son. And sometimes loving means wringing his little neck. Reach out and let that mom know you support her, you love her, you're going to be a great grandma.

Love to see them back together. And by the way, somebody out in West Texas says, hey, what happened? Hell, I'm not going to talk about it. Let's talk about other things. You don't have to tell any of this story that you don't want to. You're a grown woman, Susie. You can do what you want to. You don't have to tell the story to anybody.

Whew, man. All right, let's take a quick break, and we'll be right back on the Dr. John Deloney Show. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. All right, October is the season for wearing costumes and masks, and if you haven't started planning your costume yet, get on it.

I'm pretty sure I'm going as Brad Pitt in Fight Club era because, I mean, we pretty much have the same upper body, but whatever. All right, look, it's costume season. And let's be honest, a lot of us hide our true selves behind costumes and masks more often than we want to. We do this at work. We do this in social setting. We do this around our families. We even do this with ourselves. I have been there multiple times in my life and it's the worst. If you feel like you're stuck hiding your true self, I want you to consider talking with a therapist.

Therapy is a place where you can learn to accept all the parts of yourself, where you can learn to be honest with yourself and you can take off the mask and the costumes and learn to live an honest, authentic, direct life. Costumes and masks should be for Halloween parties, not for our emotions and our true selves. If you're considering therapy, I want you to call my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy, and you can talk with your

therapist anywhere so it's convenient for your schedule. You just fill out a short online survey and you get matched with a licensed therapist. Plus, you can switch therapists at any time for no additional cost. Take off the costumes and take off the masks with BetterHelp. Visit BetterHelp.com slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Deloney. All right, and we are back. Let's go to Liz in Charleston South Carolina hey Liz what's going on hi Dr. John thank you so much for taking my call hey thank you for giving me a shout what's going

on um I was calling to ask how do I have the conversation with my husband. Hey, do me a favor before you, before you go, two things, talk directly on the phone and I can already hear there's something really close to the surface. Are you okay? Yeah. Take a deep, deep breath for me and just hold it and now let it out. Is where you're calling from safe? Yes. Cool. I promise to be safe too. And I will only make fun of Ben in the controller.

That's it. You got it? Okay. All right, cool. Okay. So how do you have the conversation and that's um keep going that i am a survivor of sex trafficking um

i just Um, I just, I'm. So are you married and your husband doesn't know? Correct. Okay. Um. How long have you been married? Um, a little under a year. How long did y'all date before then?

Um, since 2018, summer of 2018. I see. Y'all been together for a while. How old are you? Yeah. I'm 28. 28. Okay. You like this guy? Yes. A lot. Is he super good looking? Yes. He is for real? Are you just saying that? Sometimes you talk to somebody and you're like, hey, is your husband good looking? And she's like, oh my gosh, yes. And you see him and you're like, nope, no he's not. He for real is?

Man. How'd you meet him? We go to the gym together. Oh, gross. You were at the gym just flexing and he was doing tricep extensions looking at you? Yeah, pretty much. Hey, totally side conversation. I know we're in the middle of a heavy thing. How do you meet somebody at a gym?

How does that happen? Who made the first move? This is one of life's great mysteries to me. Inadvertently me, I thought... That's so ridiculous, Liz. I said I was going to laugh at you, but I lied. What do you mean, inadvertently? I thought he was, we were leaving the gym at the same time, and I thought he was asking me for my phone number,

but he was actually talking to the person behind me. That's the most preposterous. So you just walked up to this super hot guy leaving the gym, and you handed him your number, and you're like, oh, were you just asking for this? Yeah, he was actually talking to the guy behind him because they were going to work out together. Listen, Liz, that may be one of the greatest moves I've ever heard of.

I've heard of crazy moves. That's legit. I've never heard of that one where you just walk up to a stranger, and you're like, oh, hey, you were just asking for my number. Here it is. That's a baller move. And then he clearly was like, okay. Yeah. And then he called you or texted you or whatever?

Yeah. Ladies and gentlemen, that's how the Jim date is born. And that could have gone sideways, but it didn't. So now you ended up with a marriage. All right. Yeah. Okay. Thank you for solving life's great mystery.

I will now give you free advice on whatever your challenges are. How about that? It's a good trade. Okay. Thank you. So you're with this guy. Let's reverse engineer this. You've been with him for a couple of years.

He's awesome. He's wonderful. You care about him. You love him. You married him. You are building a life with him. And you've got this big, deep, um, that was abusive in every single way you could think of. Um, and it just like tiny little things just kept escalating and escalating. And tell me what that means. Before Iating. And tell me what that means. Before I knew it. Tell me what that means.

Um, it, it means like, that's huge. I guess the way he like introduced this to me was that he was like, well, I just want to have a threesome and of course like being in a relationship and wanting to

um make your partner happy that's kind of how that started and then just slowly your boundaries just got pushed further and further in little increments, right? Yeah. And before I knew it, he reached out to an escort service and started pimping me out through their service. And ultimately, how were you able to transition out of that? I ran away. I mean, like, he had told me that the only way I was ever going to get out is that if we, like, essentially both, he was going to, like, kill me and then take himself out.

Sure. And so for, for the, the person listening, wondering how does this happen? I would, and it's easy to think I would just do this or I would, I would just,

but I'll let you know is there are power dynamics at play in these situations. There is really challenging, really tough psychological things that happen, physical things that happen when you're in a highly abusive and toxic relationship. And you just said it perfectly. Suddenly you wake up and one day you're highly uncomfortable with the next step, but it will keep you safe today. And then you become highly uncomfortable with the next step,

but nobody's going to get hit. And it's easy to say, hey, I'll just call so-and-so, but not if somebody's got your cell phone, right, or they're paying for your bill. It's not one of those things that you just wake up one day and you're flipping through Netflix and someone's like, hey, I got an idea. It's not how it works, right? And so I want everyone listening to this to understand the physiological, the psychological, the biological pathway. The way this works is not a simple, oh my gosh, just, it's not.

Right. And then suddenly, yeah, you find yourself underwater and that water comes up around you and you're chained to the floor and all of a sudden you're drowning. Right. And you ran away. Tell me about what that looked like. Um, I knew he had to be in another city about two hours away from where we were living. Um, so that I had about a five to six hour window, um, to pack up my dogs and all anything I could fit in my car and take with me. So I did.

I dropped my dogs off at a hotel and told them what was going on, that I was running away from an abusive relationship, and I just needed a place to drop my dogs off while I tried to get as much of my things out of my house as I could. Can we pause right there? Just again for the listener, if you have never been trapped in an abusive or traumatic relationship, often I've seen people who will hold their dog or their cat in a way that it's like holding like holding a life raft right these weren't just your dogs these were your last last thread connected to reality right yeah this is the only safe thing

you've got so i again i'm trying to i'm trying to play by play this for the listener um man you think like just leave your dogs and run man that's all's all I got, right? Yeah. And when you're in a fire, you hang on to that teddy bear with all you got, right? Okay, so you've dropped your dogs off. You run away. Where did you go? I stayed at the hotel long enough to get my things. I actually broke into a storage facility and wound up calling the owner once I got a hold of them because I lived in the middle of nowhere and they don't just like sit at the

facilities um it was like hey this is what I'm doing I left my dogs, he would find a way to like hold, hold that over me and of course know that I'd be protective of them and threatened to hurt them. And so fast forward, did you end up going to the police? Did you end up going to a care shelter? How did you get to a place where you started dating again?

You started going to the gym again. Tell me about that journey. Yeah, I moved back home to my parents. Did you talk to them about all this uh i talked to them about the abuse but i've never actually told them the extent of it okay um i don't i don't know like part of me doesn't want to put that on them even though like you know they're my parents and that's what they're there for but i i guess it's the same thing of like now feeling the need to tell my husband like i don't want to keep this like huge secret from

him but at the same time like how do i dump something that big on him or anyone i care about because they First and foremost, man, I'm so sorry. You've got one beautiful, precious life. Somebody stole a big chunk of yours, and I'm sorry. And I know that doesn't make it go away. I know that doesn't make it better. But right now, when you're just sitting there in a pool and don't have any water in it,

and you just got your face in your hands, I want you to know I'm sitting there right next to you. It sucks. I hate that. Hate that. So the demon of abuse, the reason abuse is so evil, besides the power dynamics and the actual pain that that abuse

causes is it weaponizes the only thing that makes us whole that makes us people which is relationships the only thing that makes us able to function our hearts literally beat right to make them right and your brain is going to do everything it can to protect you from that ever happening again right and so it's going to create all universes for you that you live in and can navigate and it's going to really build a nice big concrete bunker around what happened and drop into the ocean and only you know it's there. Except everyone around you knows something's there, they just don't have any clue as to what it is, right? Yeah. And so at some point, sooner rather than later,

you're going to have to choose wholeness and connection over secrets. You know that, right? Yeah. It sounds like you're there. Have you ever told this to anybody? Have you ever met with a counselor or a trauma psychologist? Have you ever worked through what actually happened? I tried to meet with a counselor one time and I don't know. I don't know if I just didn't click with her or what.

Hey, I'm going to stop you right there. Okay? This is the third person you've told me about that's not your abuser, and it's the third apology you've made for your interaction with that person. And a hallmark of an abused person is somebody who thinks every relational inconsistency, every relational issue is their fault. They screwed something up. And so if nothing else you get from this phone call is, you hang up the phone, and for the rest of your life, you stand six inches taller. You got me?

Yeah. You're a strong, brilliant, beautiful, brave woman. Period. Okay? Okay. So it may be that you didn't click with it. Maybe the counselor sucked. Maybe this is a big, like if you haven't worked with people who do trauma,

they don't, you know, you take special classes for this in grad school, right? This isn't just part of the curriculum, right? And it may be that you don't want to burden your parents, but it may be they're the only ones that can walk alongside you. Maybe you don't want to burden your husband. That's what he signed up for. Now, this is big, right? He didn't know these secrets were coming, but he said for better or worse.

Sickness and health, right? So, you went and saw a counselor. What was her response? I'm just shaking my head here because I can only feel it coming. She pretty much told me that I sounded like I was over the situation and that I was fine. So one day, when you don't have any more video games to play, just reach out to whatever licensing board is in that community or that state and file on her or him for being a terrible, unethical counselor. Because that person doesn't have the right to see any more people.

Okay. Because that person is going to hurt other people. Good. Sounds like you're good, man. Shake it off. All right. High five. Wow.

Are you over it now? No no i was being sarcastic um i know clearly oh man so here so here's what you've got ahead of you you've got a number of um challenging sessions with a trauma therapist, whether that's EMDR, whether that's more adult-centered, trauma-focused cognitive behavioral therapy, whatever that looks like, relational therapy, you've got some work to do here, okay?

And my promise is the theft of your life won't come back. Those years that were stolen from you, the innocence that was taken from you, that won't come back, those years that were stolen from you, the innocence that was taken from you, that won't, those will be there. Those happen. But what can happen, think of it this way. You know, those bricks that are in your backpack now that you carry into every relationship, every room. And even when you're just peacefully laying there on the couch watching TV, sometimes your heart will just spin up on you. Or you'll see some guy in a mall who reminds you of some way somebody looked at you. Whatever the thing is, I want you to know those bricks that you're carrying

around that literally bend you over and lean you down. They make you crouch over because you're so exhausted. And every relationship you go into, you go in looking up at it, right? You go in apologetically. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to. I'm so, oh, it's probably me. You can take those bricks out and you're going to stand six inches taller. And here's the beautiful part.

You can redeem that stuff. The bricks become the pathway that you walk on. And equally as important, it becomes the pathway your kids walk on, your neighbors walk on, making meaning of this thing and grieving it and healing from it. And I'm telling you right now, you can heal. You can grieve it hard and you can heal, but you got to have other people in your life, right? Yeah. So my recommendation on this is yes, you've got to tell your husband. Does he know you were in a really abusive relationship in the past? Yes.

Okay. To what extent? He knows that my ex was physically abusive as far as hitting me. I have a burn mark on my arm that he knows he did that. He knows that he raped me. So he knows this is like an evil guy. By the way, is this guy in jail? Oh, yeah. He's dead. Okay.

That's another call, Liz. Yeah. Hey, and here's another weird thing that most people don't know. That probably messed you up, didn't it? It did. Yep. People think that, oh, that guy who was evil and hurt me is dead. Hooray. That's not how that works either, right? There's a part of you that's a whole other trauma, right? Yeah. So here's what you, I'm not going to say to your husband, you you do but that's not the point of this call you owe this to you i want you to sleep all night and i want you to laugh from your guts and i want you not to have to scan every room for who's coming next for Liz. And that's what healing looks like. Okay.

I want you to be able to eat a whole meal. I want you to be able to your husband to say some freaky thing and be like, Hey, you want to try this in the bedroom? And I don't want every alarm you have to go off. I want you to be able to go. All right, weirdo.

You know what I mean? I want you to be able to engage him in that way. And I know you do too. And so the healing starts. Here's the thing. You've told him more than you think you have, right? Now you feel this big, giant, deep, dark secret. And it is, it's a big secret, right?

And he's going to be understandably shaken to his core, right? Yeah. He is going to be. He's going to be frustrated. He's probably going to say, why didn't you tell me? Why did you lie to me? All that stuff is fair. And he already knows a big chunk of it.

He knows that you stared evil in the eye. he just doesn't know how far evil dragged you down the road right and so here's my recommendation my recommendation is you let him know hey i'm gonna go do some hard trauma work i have to right if you look at the aces aces it's aE-S, it's a trauma scale, 1 to 10. My guess is you are really high on that ACEs score. It's a score out of 10. You can get online and take just a – we'll link one in the show notes. You can get online and get the ACEs scores.

Nadine Burke Harris, Dr. Harris out of – I think she's out of San Francisco, really remarkable physician and researcher. But it's really revolutionized trauma response. It's 10 questions. It's simple. And what I'll tell you is if you have four of the 10, your likelihood of cancer and heart disease and stroke is exponentially higher. And then you go five.

So we're not just talking about, hey, I'm in a bad mood. I'm talking about your body starts to dissolve itself, right? And then you get up to six, seven, eight. So here's, I'm telling you that I want you to treat this like a medical condition. You've got, cause it is, you've got, it is a heart issue. It's a, it's a soul issue, but it's a medical condition. I want you to let your husband know, Hey, I told you I was in an abusive relationship, a dark, ugly, messy one. There's more to it that I've just got to work through. And I am not in a place where I can talk to you about it. I promise I will.

And I promise you I'm going to do the hard work to heal. And at some point, y'all will be in couples therapy together too, as y'all walk through this. But this is a big enough deal that I want you to have some healing and strategies under your belt, some breathing techniques, some relational techniques, some connection techniques before you lay this out. And I think it would be healthy to have another counselor or another person in the room with you, whether it's a therapist, a psychologist, or the like. I have been in these rooms when a wife finally tells a husband something, nothing this serious, this traumatic, but some pretty tough stuff. And it's just good to have other people in the room. It adds a, right? And there's just a level of safety in that room okay so the the truth telling starts today the truth telling starts this weekend with hey you know how evil this was it's worse all right there's stuff i'm coming to terms with that i was a part of that i got dragged through

that um i'm still messing with and I've got to go see somebody. Y'all got a budget for this. This is going to be a part of your life for a season. And I want you to find a good trauma counselor in your area. Okay. And be very specific about that. What a lot of trauma victims like your experience, especially sex trafficking,

sexual abuse, they become very, very strong and very, very good at being who, what they need to be to be safe in a certain situation. Because you've been in a lot of unsafe situations, fair? Yes. Yeah. So your superpower is contortionism, right? Psychological.

You can become whatever you need to be to be safe in a situation, do whatever you got to do to get out of that room alive, right? Psychological. You can become whatever you need to be to be safe in a situation. Do whatever you got to do to get out of that room alive, right? Yeah. Now, the hard part is learning how to be vulnerable again. And you're just going to have to get somebody to walk alongside you. Do you promise you'll do that for Liz? Yes. Okay.

You're at a point where you can't do this by yourself. And fast forward a year, fast forward six months, you go do some really hard trauma work, some scary, but with a great professional, some good trauma healing. You learn some skills, how to take back control of your body, right? And then fast forward to your husband's in this room and y'all have this conversation. You've got a therapist that

you trust in there or two. I've been a part of one. There was two of us in there. And you have this conversation with your husband. In your heart of hearts, what's he going to do? Hug me and cry? That's exactly right. I think he's going to hug you until you can't, until you got to say, hey, I got to breathe, right? Yeah. Sounds like a guy that loves you to the moon and back. He fell for your stupid, hey, I thought you asked for my number line for crying out loud. the moon and back.

He fell for your stupid, hey, I thought you asked for my number line for crying out loud, right? Sounds like you won the lottery, this guy. I want you to love Liz as much as he does, okay? Okay. And I want you to recognize you're going to have to learn new skills to do that. You're a brave woman.

Thanks for being vulnerable with a million strangers that you don't know and walking people through. Man, it reminds me of this old quote. It's attributed to 50 different people, but be nice to everybody. Because behind smiles and behind their eye crinkles, everyone's fighting battles that you have no idea they're in war. Right? I know I butchered that quote, but you don't know if the person next to you who had a rough boyfriend once, you don't know the depths of hell that she may have traveled.

Thanks for being brave, Liz. So grateful you escaped. I'm so grateful that you had people along the way, the hotel owner, the people who said, you're safe here. Pets are safe here. So glad you met a guy who loves you for who you are. So glad you've been brave to talk to him about your abuse thus far. And you're going to take the next step

and begin a healing journey. Good for you. Good for you. Good for you. And by the way, if you are married to somebody, if you've been dating somebody who's experienced deep, deep trauma, if they ever had the courage to come tell you what's experienced deep, deep trauma, if they ever had the courage

to come tell you what's going on, what happened, man, the first response is always, I love you, and a hug. And that's about it. Questions come later. Discussions come later. How come? That's all later. The best thing to say in that moment is

nothing but weep with them sit with them hug them if that's safe and don't let go thank you so much for your call is hey you know what i'm going to wrap up today's show um so i asked i don't even know where it is i think I threw it on the floor I thought I had it what did I do with it ah here it is to wrap up today's show I asked Ben

the fill in producer hey grab me some lyrics to a song. And I did. And he did. There's a little-known secret here at Ramsey Solutions. I think the worst band in the history of music is Smashing Pumpkins, for a hundred reasons. And what band did Ben pull up?

Well played, Ben. I see what you did Ben pull up? Well played, Ben. I see what you did here. You know what? I'm not even going to use your Smashing Pumpkin lyrics. I'm going to go with the ones I had. How do you like them apples? Oh. Off the Cherry Pie record back in the 90s or something.

Warrant. Really came through for me. It's a song called I Saw Red and it goes like this. Ooh, it must be magic how inside your eyes I see my destiny. Every time we kiss, I feel you breathe your love so deep inside of me.

And if the moon and stars should fall, they'd be easy to replace. I would lift you up to heaven and you would take their place. Plot twist. But when I saw red, oh, then I saw red. When I opened up the door, I saw red. My heart just spilled onto the floor.

And I didn't need to see his face. I saw yours. I saw red. And then I closed the door. One of the greatest lines in 90s metal, I don't think I'm going to love you anymore. Way to go, Janie Lane and Warren. This has been the Dr. John Deloney Show. you