The Dr. John Delony Show - I Was Dating a Married Woman

Episode Date: April 5, 2024

On this episode, we hear about: -       A man desperate to move on after a tumultuous dating relationship -       A woman wondering if she should warn her soon-to-be ex’s new girlfriend about his abuse -       A man feeling guilty that he prefers his wife to be away on business Next Steps 📝 We want to know what you think—take our show survey! https://ramsey.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_bEMr4fI8ChJQTRk?source=pd  📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or click here! 📚 Get Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Take the Anxiety Test  📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future  ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards  💭 John's Free Guided Meditation   Offers From Today's Sponsors   ·      10% off your first month of therapy at BetterHelp   ·      3 free months of Hallow  ·      25% off Thorne orders  ·      15% off the Apollo wearables ·      Up to $400 in savings on an Eight Sleep bundle  ·      20% Off on Organifi Products![KB1]    Listen to More From Ramsey Network   🎙️ The Ramsey Show   🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💡 The Rachel Cruze Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights 💰 George Kamel 💼 The Ken Coleman Show 📈 EntreLeadership Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy https://www.ramseysolutions.com/company/policies/privacy-policy

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. How do I feel less preferring with my wife when she is traveling on business than at home? And more importantly, how do I not transfer those feelings to my kids? She just kind of holds everyone to a standard that she doesn't hold herself to. So I guess the more important question is, why doesn't she like being at home? Right on, right on. This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. I'm so glad that you are with us hanging out, talking about your mental and emotional health, your families, your dating, your marriage relationships, your work health, your families, your dating, your marriage

relationships, your work relationships, your kids, schools, whatever's going on in your life. The people that are coming in and out of your life, the choices you have to make, the boundaries you have to put up, whatever you got going on in your life. That's what this show is about. Real people going through real hard stuff. I'm just trying to figure out what am I going to do next? If you want to be on the show, give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291. It's 1-844-693-3291 or go to johndeloney.com slash ask ASK. And listen, money and marriage getaway. This is an event that Rachel Cruz and I put on here in Nashville, Tennessee.

Last year, it was the best event I've ever been a part of. 100% will sell out. VIP has sold out. Platinum has sold out, but there are still some regular tickets left. I say like, oh, there's some regular tickets. It's a really intimate gathering. Here's the deal. Two and a half days, me and Rachel, built-in time to practice what you're learning, an off-the-charts date night that we have set up for you. It's only we can do it. It's super rad. Lots of Q&A so you can get questions answered.

One of the things that's important to folks is like, I want to see John in person. I want to ask him our question. That's what this is for. It's for you. If you leave this event and you didn't get your question answered, that'll be on you, not us. You can stay an extra day and make it a full on Music City vacation for you. Tickets are 799 bucks. That's so expensive. It is

way less than most marriage retreats. We priced it that way on purpose because we want it to be accessible to anybody who can cobble together that money and come out here to Nashville for a long weekend. So $799. Go to ramseysolutions.com slash getaway. G-E-T-A-W-A-Y. ramseysolutions.com slash getaway. All right, let's go out to Ontario, Canada, and talk to Alexander. Hey, Alexander, what's up?

Hey, Dr. John, how's it going? Good. How about you? I'm doing great. Pleasure to be on your show. I've been listening to you guys for months now, hours and hours at work, so it's awesome. Well, I appreciate the call, my man. What's up? How can I help? Dr. John, I am 36 years old, and I'm currently experiencing some feelings and emotions that I never thought I would be feeling at this age in my life. I'm having issues dealing with anxiety, cope with heartbreak,

feeling like I hate somebody, at the same time I love them, and it turns out that these feelings are towards a person that is kind of like imaginary on a way. Ooh, tell me about this. So last 2023, March, I made the mistake that I added a common friends of friends on Facebook. She's a female. She seemed very interesting because she was into motorcycle riding like me.

I'm a big time motorcycle guy. And she was into bodybuilding. And I found that very appealing. It was almost like looking at myself in the mirror in a weird way I guess um very attractive female and um shortly after that we started interacting so does that mean like you're a very attractive guy she looks just like me in the mirror and she is really hot which you know means I'm kind of hot too it's very beautiful all right. And so we started getting acquainted. To make a long story short, because I don't want to drag it, we ended up hanging out.

I asked her before we met if she had somebody. And, you know, her answer was a big red flag that I should have known then. She said, I do, but it's complicated. Somehow I discarded that, and I agreed to hang out with her. We did hang out. She told me a bit of her life story and her current situation. 34 years old, married to a guy that's almost 60. She's a firefighter.

I've had accounts for anything. Unfortunately, she opened up a little too much, and the process of getting to know her a little too quick. And she said, oh, I never done this before. But then she told me that she previously, years ago, had had an affair with a co-worker. But she knew that it was a mistake, so she cut that off, yada, yada. Started spending a little time with her. Ended up getting heavily involved with her.

We ended up spending riding motorcycles motorcycles going to the gym. We got to a point where she pretty much left her husband. He moved out. They had not divorced yet. She got me involved with her coworkers. Used to bring me to the fire hall, have dinners with them, take me to weddings, introduce me to her parents because they never really got to meet her husband. They didn't like him for X reason. But in the process of doing all of that, there was a lot of stress in their relationship,

if you can call it that. Mainly because I knew in the back of my head that the same way that she did that to her husband, most likely I was going to be the same guy that I was going to happen to. And I was trying to be understanding of it. Let me interrupt you, Alexander. Let me interrupt you, okay? Is that cool? Yeah. Yeah, go ahead.

Have you listened to this show for a long time? I have been listening to it since November last year, pretty much, which is when I found myself. Okay, so you know I'm pretty much a straight shooter. It's the best I can be, right? I know. That's why I'm calling you. Just to give me some tough love.

Well, you've talked to me about your whole story has had nothing to do with you. It's had everything to do with this other person. And this other person is somebody, I say this with all due respect, I just don't care about him right now. I care about you. I'm on the phone with you. And you're the guy who decided to get involved with the married woman. Yes, I am, unfortunately. So who do you hate slash love?

Is it her or is it you or is it both? It's a bit of both, John. I hate myself on our way and I feel a little lost because technically all the red flags were out there right from the beginning. I'm 36 years old, I should know better. And I still went ahead and pursued it and kind of gave her, gave her, you know,

a big piece of me because I invested so much time into this person. And at the same time, I'm struggling every day. I have myself having these small dialogues

throughout the day. Pretty much, I agree with myself. It's very strange. What are you arguing about? Pretty much. Let me do this. What are you arguing about? It's pretty much... Let me do this. What's your question?

My question is, how do I forgive myself for feeling guilty about, on the way, helping sabotage somebody's marriage? And how do I also stop thinking about somebody that wasn't fake? Because the person that I kind of fell in love with wasn't even real. Okay, now that's an instructive, deep question. Yeah. And that's hard. Yeah. So I'm, I'm everybody's welcome at my table. Okay. Yeah. The, the, everybody's like always,

what I would say, the, like the reason I'm leaning forward at that table is you sat down and you said, Hey, I need to know, like I lost trust in myself. I did something that I don't, I don't believe in. I know it wasn't right.

Um, is not, I violated my own core values. Yeah. And dude dude I'd reach over and I'd hug you if you were here because all of us have done stupid stuff every single person listening to this show has done stupid things

that violate their values and the question is how can I look in the mirror and look at myself again and often if you're not able to forgive yourself, that may be a clue as to how you got into this in the first place because you've never thought you were good enough,

and you thought that this relationship would solve something. What did you think it was going to solve? Are you lonely? I spend most of my life running away from relationship and self-sabotaging. Why? I don't know. I think it's a byproduct of coming from a broken home. But I come from that culture where we as men,

we don't really voice those things. I'm Spanish. I'm Dominican. And my father left my mom when I was very young. He moved to Canada while I was still back home. And I kind of spent most of my childhood dealing with my mother's wrath of being unhappy about the abandonment. And perhaps that somehow has something to do with me always running from relationships, self-sabotaging. But I'm not sure.

Okay, so here's the deal. Here's what you have to make the agreement you and I have to come to. What your old man did was wrong, right? Right? That's correct, yes. Okay, and the way your mother made you carry her broken relationship was wrong, right? Yes. Because you were the backstop of her anger and her rage,

which underneath anger and rage was her deep, profound grief. And she made her little boy carry that. That was wrong, right? Yeah. Okay. And you're a grown man responsible for your actions moving forward, right? Correct. Okay. It's all three. All three of those are true at the same time. You have deep hurt and deep scars all the way down to your nervous system. And you know right from wrong. Fair? I do. That's fair, yeah. Okay.

The path forward is, man, if you listen to this show, I give this advice almost every show and it can kind of be eye rolly you know what i mean kind of like huberman's always telling people to just go get sunlight in their eyes and it's really annoying until i started doing it and it changes everything so i i'm very similar i give the same advice a lot but i want you to circle back with a notebook or a journal, and I want you to write Alexander

the night he met her. I want you to write him a letter and say, here's why we're not going to do this. Okay? This isn't who we are. This is a violation. And then I want you to write an apology letter

to that Alexander. Yes. And when you're done with the apology letter, you're going to open your hands up and you're going to stop carrying this brick around your house, your neighborhood, because it's not helping anything. It's not helping you move forward.

Have you heard the difference from the great Brene Brown, the difference between guilt and shame. Guilt is I did something stupid. Shame is I am stupid. Guilt is, man, I, through my actions, I hurt somebody and I feel bad. Shame is I am bad. Guilt is good in this situation. I don't have a problem with you feeling guilty. But when you throw that brick in your backpack and you say, I'm going to carry this everywhere

because this is who I am. That's when you're making a conscious choice to drag down you and every relationship in the future you're going to have. I don't want that for you. I don't think you're a bad guy. I think you made a dumb decision and then you went on and on and on with it and you created a story in your mind to try to make it okay. Yeah, it's a lot in there, and it really is becoming a little physically tiring because I'm a little better now,

but I was having issues sleeping, and I would wake up arguing with this person, and I would wake up in the middle of the night, and my heart was beating so fast. Write a letter and let yourself apologize to yourself to a specific Alexander, the Alexander who met her that day. And he came home that night and he's like, man, she is beautiful. We met in person.

She's got this other person, but it's complicated. Write that Alexander. I want you to visualize that Alexander. See him. Sit across a table from him and write him a letter and say dear Alexander

I'm sorry because I knew this wasn't right and I violated it and we did it anyway and you know what we had some fun and it felt awesome

and I felt the wind in my hair I felt intimacy and touch it was wrong and I will never violate our core values again

yeah and this ends now wrong and I will never violate our core values again. Yeah. And this ends now. Yeah. Because if you wake up tomorrow and you choose to entertain that thought, so you can't help it, right? So that lightning bolt that zaps into your mind, I can't believe you did this.

You suck. You're a terrible, that lightning bolt. You can't help that. That just, that just zaps in there. Yeah. But if you choose to meditate on it and start spiraling out on it and go down the rabbit hole of, I know I'm this and this, and then this happened, I should never have, you do that brother. That's it. That part's a choice. Yeah. Okay? And if you begin to work away from that meditation, that thing pops in your mind, and you say out loud, I forgave that dude.

Or that's a good guy who did a dumb thing. You say it out loud to yourself in your own apartment. Over time, your body will stop trying to get your attention with those, because those images are to protect you from ever doing this again. Ah, you're not going to do this again.

Are you? No, man. That was the first time, and I don't know why I did that, but that will never happen again. Okay. It's over. Yeah. Be as active in your healing,

in your decision to not meditate on this. And by the way, you can't just empty it out. You got to have something to replace it. So when that thought comes in, you loser, like whatever the words, all that evil you talk to yourself, when that pops into your head, nope, I forgave that dude.

Replace it with, that guy's working at the food bank right now he's making it right yeah that guy is and have another story

to put in its place and say that story sometimes you have to say it out loud do you think you're irredeemable um I try to stay

positive and not do those things. No, no, no. That's just toxic positivity. That's just taking positive duct tape and putting it over the wound. Yeah, pretty much. I've been doing a whole lot of that. Yeah, don't do that, man. That's just, I mean, that's just, that's just like, it's like doing drugs, right?

It's like covering it up. It's not actually helping it. Yeah. And at the same time too, like we all get guilty of carry and all that. it's like doing drugs, right? It's like covering it up. It's not actually helping it. Yeah. And at the same time, too, like, we all get guilty of carry and all that. Like, I also feel

used and dismissed at the same time. You were. You were. It's a whole circle of things that I'm dealing all in one bag that I've never experienced before.

A little, you know, embarrassed by all of it because I thought that, you know, I'm old enough. I should know better. Did you learn something?

Yeah. Yeah. Okay. You learned something. We're done with it. Let's be really proactive about writing some letters to Alexander. Hey, don't do this, man. Then we're going to write a separate letter.

It's an apology letter. I'm sorry. Maybe write an imaginary, maybe write a third letter to her that you will absolutely never send to her that just says, hey, I violated my own, my own conscience here, my own set of values, and I'm sorry. And I feel used and you broke my heart and I allowed it and this never happens again I'm going to be a person of integrity and character period and you've got to choose to stop

carrying that cinder block around after you've started to do that work to answer the question you are redeemable I think you're a good guy that did something dumb but you can't sit at home and stew on it redeemable. I think you're a good guy that did something dumb. But you can't sit at home and stew on it and think on it and think on it and think on it.

You have to act. You have to go do something different, something towards healing. If you haven't already, you got to get off the internets, man. You got to go to a different gym. You got to be around different people. That's the only way your environment's going to change. I believe in you, my brother. I believe in you. Thank you so, so much for the call. Hang on the line.

I'm missing you a copy of Own Your Past, Change Your Future. It goes very in-depth into how to deal with those intrusive thoughts and how to make your move on. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. October is the season for wearing costumes, and if you haven't started planning your costume, seriously, get on it. I'm pretty sure I'm going to go as Brad Pitt because we have the same upper body, but whatever. Look, it's costume season. And if we're being honest, a lot of us hide our true selves behind masks and costumes more often than we want to. We do this at work. We do this in social settings.

We do this around our own families. We even do this with ourselves. I have been there multiple times in my life and it's the worst. If you feel like you're stuck hiding your true self behind costumes and masks, I want you to consider talking with a therapist. Therapy is a place where you can learn to accept all the parts of yourself, where you can be honest with yourself, and where you can take off the mask and the costumes and learn to live an honest, authentic life. Costumes and masks should be for Halloween parties,

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That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash deloney. All right, we're back. Let's go out to Manitoba and talk to Bailey. Hey, Bailey, what's up? Hi, Dr. John. How's it going? It's been better. Oh, no.

What's going on? Okay, I guess I'll just ask my question. So the question I wrote in is, do I tell the woman that my husband is having an emotional affair with that he's been abusing me for the last 10 years define abusing um verbal psychological emotional emotional and physical one time, um, financial, spiritual, like the whole nine yards. Are you still married to this, this jerk? I'm on my way out. Um, I, I,

it's taken me years of therapy to get to this point and I am walking out the door. I have about a month left before I can leave. Do you have a plan? Yes, I have a plan. Um, you have financial security. Yes. I am going to have to go into debt a little to do it, but I have a job and I am going to be able to take care of myself and my son. Are you filing for divorce? Yes. I'm in the process of coming up with a separation agreement for my son.

Does he know about this, that this is coming? Your husband? Yes. And so I did tell him and because of this additional person, because I've tried to exit a few times and there are a lot of that, that hasn't gone well, obviously. And, um, but now because of this other woman, he's being very agreeable because he wants to now go start a new life.

And I'm trying to use this as a way to get myself out. But I have this unbelievable amount of feeling of responsibility that I have to tell her, not out of revenge, not of anything. That's because I honestly think this woman is genuinely super nice, unaware, being manipulated, and has no clue what's going on. And from all outside appearances is like super religious, waiting for marriage, you know, like volunteering, super... Does she know that you're married? I don't think so.

Or that he's married? I don't think so. Or that he's married? I don't think so. And I get advice on both sides. Yeah. Tell and don't tell. Yeah. And I know I can't tell until I've got my agreement signed for my own security and my own safety. Okay, let me walk you through number one. I want you to in the agreement, I want you to get a dollar amount is a part of the agreement. Even if it's more than you and

him have already shaken hands on, that's going to allow you to transition without having to borrow money. It's not going to happen. I've already, because he's in debt. There's money that, because he's controlled our money, our entire relationship, and he's in debt. Do you have a home? Well, I'm going to be renting. Does he have a home?

No, we don't own our home. We rent. So it's literally like I'm breaking my lease to be able to leave. Does he have a job? Yes, but there's no savings. There's no nothing. And honestly, at this point, I had my, my mental health is too much of a priority. Like I need out and my whole house, like my whole life has burnt down. There's more than just my relationship. It's, it's so much bigger, but like, I just don't, um, I just don't know what to do about this person that I feel doesn't,

I don't want her to be in the same position as me. I get that. Um, I think you need to put your oxygen mask on first. I think you are worrying about things right now that are getting in the way of you solving more pressing, scary issues. I am working on all those issues. I know you are. I know you are. Yeah. But right now, you are in the middle of...

I know. I can hear it in you. Yeah. Like I'm having a... And nobody knows. Like this is a person who is well-loved outside of our home. Listen, listen, I was about to say, I was about to say what I hear in your voice is rage.

Oh, I'm so mad. I know. I can hear it. My anger, and I have nowhere to put it. There's nowhere. I can feel it in my body through the phone and you're in a different country than me. I can feel it. Okay. And so what I want to tell you is however you're experiencing and seeing the world right now, it's through a fog. It's through smoke. Mm-hmm. Okay?

It's as though you're running from a burning building and on the way out, holding your son, running for safety. You stop and you tell some woman out in the front corridor of that house, hey, you know who started this fire? Dude, get out of the house. Get out of the house. Okay. Get out of the house. Yeah. Is that fair? Yeah. If you can go before a month, I want you to go before a month. If he's put his hands on you once, he'll do it again.

Yeah, I know that. I know it's possible. Have you called the police? The first time that happened, I didn't. I highly regret that. And since then, he has, whenever he's gotten mad or gotten to that point, he, he does leave. Um, um, so I think, but I, that doesn't mean I'm not scared and I'm not aware of what can happen. Um, it's just that he hasn't shown me that. And it's been a while. It's probably been like four years since then, four or five years. Um, but yeah, it's still scary.

It's still inside me i know i know so let's get out let's get out okay um i am normally against what i would call the um bombing somebody okay and what i mean by that is um you know your your husband is having an affair with like i i don't i just don't see a lot of good that comes from that and it i can't imagine me doing that in a place that was anything other than well then if i'm gonna suffer you're gonna suffer too right and when you got kids involved the whole thing gets messy. But on the other hand, Oh, she may not even listen to what I have to say.

Like, well, in, in that. And what if she ends up being my, my, my son's new step mom? Like, I don't want to,

you, you are in a state of fight or flight and you are what if-ing every move you make. Right? And you're trying to guess the ramifications of every decision you make. That's why I want you to go get safe and let the smoke clear a little bit before you make other decisions. Okay. The chances of her becoming your child's stepmom are very, very slim. Statistically speaking.

I think I read the other day, maybe 10% of relationships that begin with affairs go on to have a long, like it's a very small amount. Okay? But right now, your insides are boiling. And I get a sense, there's a lot more to the story. You're not telling me. Is that fair? Yeah. Okay. Hey, you don't have to, I, I, I'm just trying to, I'm just trying to give myself context. My mom passed away last month. Um,

it's just like bombs after bombs, after bombs are falling on me. They just don't stop. That's right. Okay. Yeah. It's just like bombs after bombs after bombs are falling on me. They just don't stop. That's right. Okay. Yeah. If your current husband was acutely violent and volatile, let me say it this way.

I don't want to forgive what he's done. And I want you to move out of that house as fast as possible. Okay. But if he snapped four years ago, y'all worked through it and he has come up with some behavior modification that when he starts to lose his crap, he leaves. That's different than the escalation going the other way. See what I'm saying?

That he used to just yell. And then he started punching holes and now he's starting to grab me around the throat. Like it's starting to shift the other way. See what I'm saying? That he used to just yell and then he started punching holes and now he's starting to grab me around the throat. Like, it's starting to shift the other way. See what I'm saying? Yeah. His violence,

I mean, you're leaving. That's the right thing to do. If I felt somebody was in acute danger, just me, I'd have to say something. Mm-hmm. Outside of of I'm afraid of her like getting I don't want he's gonna start

controlling her money and he's gonna start talking to her mean and all that right now man you your health is important your son needs some a stable mom in the midst of a world that's been completely turned upside down. Yeah. And the fact that he's got some willing, good human being apparently waiting for him as soon as you leave, that would enrage me. Yeah.

Right? Yeah. But that's why you're dusting your sandals off and brushing your shoulders off and you're walking out that door anyway yeah and that was happening before I found that out that's one of the things that has come to light but yeah

yeah so keep these two words in your mind okay and in your heart as you move forward find peace In your mind, okay? And in your heart as you move forward. Find peace. For a season, let's seek peace.

And in a weird way, you might have to work three jobs so you have financial peace. Yeah. You might have to ask for help, which is uncomfortable, but then you're going to have peace. See what I'm saying? You might have to ask for help, which is uncomfortable, but then you're gonna have peace. See what I'm saying? Like, so peace isn't the path of least resistance. Sometimes it's super resistant. Sometimes it's super frustrating.

Sometimes it's super exhausting, but we're seeking the least amount of chaos. Okay, right now you're not safe. Let's worry about getting you safe. Right now your son's not safe. Let's get your getting you safe. Right now, your son's not safe. Let's get your son safe. Right now, y'all two are not settled in a home that every time you open the front door, your body doesn't go, whoa, here we go.

Right? I want the opposite. Yeah. When you can open your front door, even if it's to a tiny, tiny one-bedroom apartment and it's your tiny little one-bedroom apartment where you and your son live, and you can exhale, then we can start talking about protecting others. Okay.

Okay? Yeah. She's an adult, too. Yeah. Yeah. She's right. How does that land with you? I just, that makes sense. And I know that that's what it is.

And I can hear it in you. You feel like he's getting away with something. Don't you? I can hear it, man. I can't, I can't, he's going to get away. Even if this woman finds out and she decides, no, it's just going to move on to the next and the next. It's not so much that. I just feel like I want to protect someone else from being where I am. You want to give other people the thing that you didn't have.

And that was safety with that guy. Yeah. You can't do that. Okay. Or I mean, you can make announcements. You can't provide that assurance to others what you can do is for the first time in a long time seek it for yourself

and when you are anchored in right when you're anchored in and then you see this thing starting to come together you might reach out and say hey we're married. Or here's another one. Um, when things are settled, Hey, we just got divorced last month. Um, if you're going to be around my son, you and I are going to have to meet in person. Yeah. And that's about protecting your son. That's not about burning your husband down.

Yeah. And I don't want to burn him down because that's my safety as well. Cause you know, and I will have to co-parent with him going forward. So I don't. Forever. There's a safety element there as well. Well, there is, but also, but there is,

but also we're not going to be quiet just because we have to co-parent with him either. Yeah. I don't think I'm going to be able to learn to speak up until I'm out of this. I agree with you. That's why I say get out as fast as you can. Yeah.

Even if you got to go stay with a friend for the next 30 days until your apartment's ready or whatever, I don't know the situation, but whatever you got to do to get it to escalate, I mean, to accelerate this, let's do that. Okay. Okay. Let's get, let's find peace. Let's find peace. Yeah. Yep. That's needed. Okay. Yeah. How can I help you? Can I help you with financial peace university? Can I help you with like a financial program?

Can I help you with some books? Can I help you with some, what can I help you with? Well, I have your book. It was really helpful and it was great to read. And, um,

which one do you have? Yeah. Some finances. I haven't been allowed to touch in 10 years. All right, good. So here's what I'm gonna do. Which, which book of mine do you have? Yeah. Some finances. I haven't been allowed to touch in 10 years. All right, good. So here's what I'm gonna do. Which,

which book of mine do you have? Uh, I, I, I'm the anxiety book, like something, something in a beginner level. Okay.

So here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to send you, um, several things. I'm going to send you financial peace universities. It's called Ramsey plus, but what it is, it's, it's all the lessons on how to deal with money. Okay?

Okay. And I'm going to send it to you for free. So you don't have to pay for anything. Thank you. Also going to come with the EveryDollar app. So you can practice to start tracking your money. Because it's just a skill, right? It's just a skill you're going to have to practice.

And it's going to take you a while to figure it all out all out i'm also going to send you my book own your past change your future which is um a book on like here's what to do when everything's falling apart here's what to do next yeah okay and i'm going to send you as a fourth gift i'm going to send you my friend ken coleman's get clear assessment, walk you through. Here's some ways, here's some ideas for what might a job and or a career be for me. Cause you're about to be a single mom. Okay. And I know that phrase is scary, but that's, that's your reality. And it's right. You're leaving an abusive scumbag. So your move is right.

But I love you enough to tell you the data is scary on single momhood, right? Yep. Especially financially. So we're going to have to get a job. I came from a single mom, so. Yeah, you know, you've been there, you've lived it. I've lived it, yeah. Okay.

So we're going to pay extra attention to not just trying to cobble together a job, but how can I get a job and take care of this little boy and how can I build something into a career because I want to take care of him. I don't want to buck this statistical trend that suggests my net worth

is just going to fall through the floor. Yeah. Okay. And because you're coming from a place where everything was so controlled and so chaotic and such a zoo and such a mess, you may be able to buck the trend right out the gate.

Say, not on my watch. Right? Yeah. Is that fair? Maybe, yeah. Okay. Nothing about this is fair, but here's, if no one's told you, I believe in you. Okay? Okay.

The next year, the next two years are going to be very, very difficult. And I believe in you. Okay. Both things are true. Is that fair? Yeah, that's fair. I'll walk with you every step that I possibly can, okay? And I want you to call me anytime I can help, all right?

All right. Let's get you to call me anytime I can help. All right? All right. Let's get you to safety first and then we'll start talking about who we need to call and notify and all that kind of stuff. Cool? Yeah. Okay.

Hey, your bravery today has helped a whole bunch of people because there's people stuck in abusive situations right now. There's people who are on their way out the door and they're terrified and they don't know what steps to take. And because you were brave, now we got a map. Now we got a map. I believe in you. It's going to be hard,

but I believe in you. We'll be right back. I'm so proud that Thorne Supplements, my favorite supplements on the planet, have continued to partner with me and our show listeners for health, longevity, and just feeling good. Thorne is one of our longest standing partners on this show and it's because I trust them, I use them, I read their research papers,

and I know their products are great and that my fans will love them too. Here's the deal with supplements. There's so, so much garbage out in the marketplace. And other than my admitted gummy candy problem, I'm pretty freakish about what I put in my body. And that's why I trust my health and the health of my family with Thorne. Personally, I've been taking Thorne supplements for years and years, way before I was on the internets with these shows. And my wife and kids have been taking them as well. And here's what I take every single day.

I take the super EPA fish oil, the methylated B vitamins, creatine, phosphatidylserine, and more. I take Thorne for specific physiologic needs for me to keep my body and mind optimized and for overall longevity and health. And here's the cool thing. more. I take Thorne for specific physiologic needs for me to keep my body and mind optimized and for overall longevity and health. And here's the cool thing. We've set up an amazing opportunity for all of the listeners of the Dr. John Deloney show. 25% off everything in the Thorne store and not just on your first visit, but every time you make a purchase through our page and our account. This isn't a sale that's going to change from week to week. All you do is go online, create an account through my page,

and you'll get 25% off from here on out forever. It's that easy. Go to thorne.com slash you slash Deloney. That's thorne, T-H-O-R-N-E.com slash the letter U slash Deloney for 25% off everything in the store. I trust Thorne. My family trusts Thorne. And you can trust Thorne too. All right, let's go out to Philadelphia where he was born and raised and talk to Bill. Hey, Bill, what's up, man? Hey, Dr. John, how you doing?

Partying. What are you up to? Just enjoying the warm weather. Spring feels like it's finally coming. Man, I can't wait, dude. I can't wait. What's up? So my question was, how do I feel less preferring with my wife when she is traveling on business than at home? And more importantly, how do I not transfer those feelings to my kid? She traveled a lot? Not a ton, maybe a week or two a month. She's got some longer trips coming up. There's a phase coming next where she'd be home for a while and I'm kind of dreading that and almost looking forward to when she's gone for an extended period of time at about a month or so. So what is it about her being home that your body is starting

to revolt against? She just kind of holds everyone to a standard that she doesn't hold herself to, it doesn't seem like. Be specific. Be specific. What does that mean? You know, no one's allowed to eat on the couch, but then when the kids come downstairs the next morning, they see that she has chips bags on the couch, and they say, well, why does mommy get to eat on the couch and I don't get to eat on the couch? Or things are left out of place, and she's all upset about that,

but her stuff right next to it is also out of place, but that's not a big deal. So I guess the more important question is, why doesn't she like being at home? Yeah, that definitely seems to be a big part of it that she kind of like charges into the room, states everything that she's upset about and then charges out. Yeah. She doesn't want to be there. Why not? I don't know. She just seems very dissatisfied with a lot of things. So I've tried to pick up more and try to do more to try to take those burdens off of her, and it doesn't seem to ever move the ball. Have you sat down and said, why don't you like being here?

No, I don't think I've used that exact phrase. Okay. I think it's time for a turn all the lights on and turn the music off conversation. Okay. Like, we can't continue to be married like this because

it's very clear you don't want to be married like this? Because it's very clear you don't want to be here. So she often throws that at me. Like if she thinks there's a problem, she'll say, well, you're just going to leave. I'm like, no, I'm not going to leave. I'm not going anywhere. But she

throws that at me. Has she ever had an affair? No. Are you sure? 99 okay okay so let me let me rephrase that i don't think you sit down and say it's clear you don't want to be here because what you're doing is you're starting that interaction with with a with an accusation and then she's just going to respond with well well, you don't want to be here. So now everybody's walled up. I think the more honest way to start the conversation is to you go find childcare for the kids and

you can do it in your house, but your kids can't be there. Or you can go somewhere and do it. But I think sitting across the table and saying, I'm going to be as honest as I can with you, and I love you, and I'm 100% in on this marriage. And the thought of you being here for the next few months before you get on another travel kick

is making my body feel so anxious because I feel in my guts that you don't want to be here. Oh, so it's my fault. No, no, no. I'm talking about me. Here's how I feel. Yeah. He definitely throws that. Well, I must be the worst person in the whole world whenever we sort of talk about. And so it will probably be helpful on the front end to say these words. We have to have this conversation like adults. And so no bombing, no, oh, I guess I'm just, we're not going to do any of that. I need you just to stay with me and have this conversation.

Here's the deal. If she won't, then I hate to tell you this, but that in and of itself is an answer. Yeah. But I don't want to do that to my kids. It's being done to them right now. It's happening in real time. This conversation is not a, I want to protect my kids from something happening.

This conversation is, this is going to happen because I'm protecting them right now. But I'm worried that if I don't, if I do have that conversation, it does go the wrong way. Suddenly I'm not there protecting them all the time. It's a 50 50 or whatever other arrangement is it comes to. And then rather than them being safe 100% of times when they're protecting them they've got half the time with just this whirlwind around them they already have that whirlwind all around them and they're looking at you wondering why it's still there

yeah and i'm saying this because i love you i don't want you to use them as the reason you're not having a really hard conversation about the state of your marriage. Okay. Okay? Yeah. Keeping them around an unsafe person, giving them a ringside view

as to this is what love and marriage looks like with two people who are criticizing each other, who don't want to be in the same room with each other, your kids will feel your body three days out before she gets home. Begin to amp up and amp up and amp up and amp up. Yeah. The last like two hours before like they're going to bed, I know they're coming home or things like that.

It's just a matter of like, okay, get everything back up to the standard. And like the house is clean. Like I keep it running just fine. There might be a shoe out of place, but everything goes back into place before she walks in that door. This has nothing to do with cleanliness.

This has to do with somebody who does not want to be in this home. And she is forcing herself to be in this home for whatever, who knows what reasons. And her body is saying, get out. And all she can see is the negative, the negative, the negative, the negative, the negative. Yeah. I feel like she hasn't really been satisfied with anything for years. That's it.

And you haven't either. And somebody has to have the courage to say that because this ends in an affair. Or this ends with mom going on a trip and never returning. And there are kids spending the rest of their life wondering what was so bad about them that their mom left. Right now they're wondering what's so bad about them

that mom won't tell the truth. And what's so bad about them that dad gets all amped up every time mom's gonna like what is happening like they're already living it man yeah how old are they uh 13 11 and 6 yeah they know all three of them do they know yeah and that's that was kind of the tipping point when they started saying like asking when she was leaving again or being happy that she wasn't coming home for dinner because she had a late meeting or something like that.

That's when I said, okay, something else is wrong here. That's right. And you're the adult in the house, so it's your job to have to wade into that conversation. Yeah. yeah and I'll tell you on the other side of it multiple times in my marriage me personally I've gotten right to the edge and my wife and I have sat across from each other and said we cannot continue to be married the way we are

I'm still in if you are but a lot's got to change and both of us said game on let's fix this and I was real real scared to have that conversation but a lot's got to change. And both of us said, game on, let's fix this. And I was real, real scared to have that conversation. I thought the easiest thing to do would be to just start deciding stuff. Thank God I didn't. And if you sit down and she says,

well, actually, I've been seeing somebody, or actually, I haven't wanted to be married to you for a long time, or actually, all you're doing is revealing what is already felt inside that house in everybody's bones but hopefully she doesn't hopefully she says i've just been stuck i don't know a way out of this and you can say i don't either but i'm willing to take your hand and we'll go through the dark and find this thing out together hopefully she says i'm in you seem to think that she'll bail.

Do you think she's going to bail? No, I don't think she's going to bail because her dad bailed. And I don't, that's not something that she's going to do, but yeah. If she won't bail, then she's choosing a miserable life, right? Which means she can choose a not miserable life. When's the last time y'all slept together? Um, a couple of weeks ago.

Okay. When's the last time y'all went on a date and just hung out and laughed? Um, like maybe a week or two ago. Okay. Are y'all still friends? I don't know. I don't know if she even likes me anymore.

That's the question. I miss my friend. I miss my friend. I don't like being in a house where I feel like I'm the problem. I'm the annoying person. I don't know. Let me say this. I don't know an easy path this I don't know an easy path

I know avoidance is not it I know sitting down at the table and lobbing grenades is not going to help sitting down at the table and saying here's what I'm experiencing here's how I feel here's what I'm willing to do

are you in that's called vulnerability because she can stab you with that she can hurt you she looks you in the eye and says nope not doing that but doesn't sound like that's who she's going to be but she doesn't want to be there you don't want to be there your kids don't want to be there and somebody's got to say enough let's deal with this And that's the job of the two adults in the house. You got a 13 year old man. You got four summers left, three summers left. Not a lot. Time's ticking. It's going quick.

Let's have this conversation ASAP. And dude, if she wants to be on the show too, you want to both call in? I'd love that. That'd be awesome. I'll give you a whole episode if y'all want to do it. Somebody's got to say enough is enough is enough. I love you and I miss you. We got to do this whole thing different. I'm in if you are. Go get it, Bill. Let me know how it goes.

I'll be thinking about you guys. We'll be right back. Hey, what's up? Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious or burned out or chronically stressed at some point. In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build a more peaceful, non-anxious life. Get your copy today at johndeloney.com. All right, we're back. Hey, I got a follow-up from Chris from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania.

He was on a show that aired January 11th. So Chris wrote in and said he had an update and Taylor called him back and here's the update. Chris called for advice on helping him approach his brother about getting their drinking problem under control. When he approached him, he'd already stopped drinking. His brother had already stopped drinking and they had a great conversation. Chris handed him the letter. I think I told him to start to write a letter and he had planned on reading and asked to set up a weekly call. And now they talk every Friday. Call started as a check-in about sobriety. And now they're taking up to an hour, which is unusual for men in their family to be this chatty. It's unusual for any man to be on the phone for an hour. So well done.

And they also get together most weekends and now are headed towards a great renewed relationship. Dude, Chris, this is very similar to the last call we just took. Sometimes you have to wade right into a relationship that you care about and say, it can't continue like this. I'm worried about you, about us, about whatever's happening next. And I'm going to risk all of it. I'm going to put everything on the table because I love you that much. And I love us that much. And it doesn't always work out well. But in this one, it did. Chris, I'm proud of you. Good for you for loving your brother enough to turn all the lights on, turn the music off, write him a letter and say, we got to stop drinking. We got to start connecting. Good for you, my brother.

Good for you. Everybody out there, running and hiding just doesn't work. Doesn't work. If you want a relationship to be different, with dignity, respect, kindness, you got to head straight into the middle of it. I'm proud of you guys. I love y'all. See you soon.