The Dr. John Delony Show - I Was on OnlyFans and I Regret It

Episode Date: March 20, 2024

On this episode, we hear about: -       A woman trying to move forward from the guilt of her past -       A man wanting to improve his communication at home -       A woman struggling to like her best friend’s boyfriend Offers From Today's Sponsors 10% off your first month of Therapy at Better Help!   3 Free Months of Hallow  25% Off Thorne Orders  15% off the Apollo Wearables Up to $400 in savings on an Eight Sleep bundle!  20% off Organifi with code: DELONY Next Steps 📞 Ask John a Question!  click here! 📚 Get Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Take the Anxiety Test  📚Own Your Past, Change Your Future  ❓Questions for Humans Conversation Cards  💭John's Free Guided Meditation ❤️ Money & Marriage Event: http://ramseysolutions.com/getaway Listen to More From Ramsey Network 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💡 The Rachel Cruze Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights 💰 George Kamel 💼 The Ken Coleman Show 📈 EntreLeadership    Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy https://www.ramseysolutions.com/company/policies/privacy-policy

Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. My best friend is dating this guy. She thinks that they're doing well, but I can tell you that they're not doing very well. He is also my roommate. My husband and I are renting a room to him. I have to be around him all the time. Why don't you un-rent a room for me? Ta-da!

Oh my gosh, this is like my easiest call ever. Whoa! What's up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. I think my voice just cracked. Am I going through puberty, Kelly? What in the world? It's about time. So glad that y'all are with us, talking about your mental and emotional health, your marriage, your kids, your dating, whatever's going on. By the way, Kelly, hold on. I'm all over the place today. I just got a tutorial on dating apps. Amazing.

Why? Well, just because I need to get my learn on. And I was in a meeting and I was like, I don't really know what you're talking about. So this woman. Oh, that's right. Because yesterday when we were in the meeting, we were talking about them. And you and I are both like, it's been a while. Yeah, so Lauren walked me through them.

And she just showed me real time. Here's what guys say. Here's how they introduce themselves. It is. It is wild out on those streets. Yeah, it's not good. Yes. I think I'm just going to try to figure it out at my house because dang, Gina.

Yeah. If that's the option we're good yeah man so if you want to be on this show where I pretty much uh I know about nine percent uh give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291 or go to johndeloney.com slash ask A-S-K and thank you to everybody who's been subscribing and all the things the show spent some time at number one. We fell back to number two. Stinkin' Huberman.

That guy. Just amazing. What an amazing guy. But we're continuing to I'm continuing to be so grateful. So thank you so much for being in our gang. And let's go out to

Sioux Falls South Dakota and talk to Jenna Jenna what's up Jenna hi hi Dr. Jelonia I am a little bit nervous but thank you so much for taking my call I'm super nervous I don't know anybody from from South Dakota it feels it just sounds cold it's it is yesterday It is. Yesterday was like 13 degrees as a high, but on Monday, it was 64, I want to say, as a high for the day. So we don't know what we're doing up here. Yeah. That just sounds like pneumonia USA. Yeah. Wow. Well, I hope you're surviving. Clearly, you are surviving. I'm glad that you're doing well. Thanks for calling. Thank you.

All right. So what's up? Yeah. I will kind of get into a little men's hairstylist for almost four years now. And I decided last 2022, I wasn't happy with my career path and I decided to go back to school and go finish my nursing degree. And I graduate in May. And I'm super, super excited. And before I went back to school, I had just gotten out of a really, really toxic relationship. And I started working at a salon. And some of the girls were on OnlyFans and they were

telling me about how much extra money they were making. It sounded like a really, really good idea. I was single at the time. And so I went on OnlyFans and it did not last long. I immediately felt super guilty. Um, I was only on there a couple of weeks and I deleted it and I got off of it. But I now have been single for the last two years and I just, I still feel so guilty that I even was tempted to go on there and I even

thought it was a good idea. And so I guess how do I navigate that guilt so that I can be a good partner for when I do actually meet someone and settle down? Man. There's so much here. You and I could hang out for a while right right um i hope this isn't weird but i just like you you seem like somebody that i would want to hang out with

not a romantic way i'm an old married man but um i don't meet a lot of self-aware people anymore especially kelly but i don't meet a lot of self-aware people anymore. And a lot of people who are able to say, here's what I want to do. I'm going to make it happen even when it's hard. And by the way, here's some really stupid things I've done that violated. Here's the deal. At the end of the day, it violated my belief

in who I thought I was. And I hate that I did that. And here we are. Like that, that's a rare combination so good on you thank you good on you thank you um beneath all of it you feel it and i think you've probably felt this before only fans tell me if i'm wrong but you have this like ticker tape running through your life like under the movie that's your life, the little newsreel at the bottom is that you're unlovable. Where does that come from? Gosh, I really.

Feel free to tell me, no, you're an idiot. That's not true. Here's what, just for the audience, here's how I'm putting the dots together here. Number one, listening to you talk about your decision to do OnlyFans and listening to you talk about your job as a barber,

which for me is a place that I go to just drop my shoulders and have like real, one of the only places in the world where I have real communication. My barber Daniel is a guy I love, but it's a place where it gives me peace and to listen to you talk about your lack of you didn't like that person and so now you're going to nursing school and the way you're communicating about i need to do these things so that one day somebody will

be okay with me that tells me that underneath all of it, you find Jenna unlovable. Yeah. Where does that story come from? I never thought of it that way. Where does that come from? I've never thought about that, honestly. I come from a two-parent household.

Both my parents were great. I still have a great relationship with both my mom and dad. I lost my dad two years ago to cancer, which... So my dad passed, and then I was working in the salon, and then I decided to go on OnlyFans. So I really... I don't know. I've had a stirring of crappy boyfriends.

Yeah, sometimes our parents are amazing and we date somebody and they just, I've talked about this publicly. I've got some things that are lodged in my soul that I even think well-meaning girlfriends over the years have said, and it's just stuck with me in a way that has altered my behavior to such a degree that it, it will alter how my kids live. You know what I mean? Like it just, so yeah,

your parents can be amazing and you can subtly or very like directly get the message from romantic partners. Like you're not that good at love. We have to work really hard to be in relationship with you. You're kind of less than. Yeah. Right. That message can come there too.

I don't believe that if that means anything to you. It does. that if that means anything to you it does well and it was funny because my my mom knows everything and i'm smiling how did that conversation go uh not well mostly because she was it was sprung on her it was not meant I never wanted my mom to know about that but then she did and she kind of went down a rabbit hole

rightfully so because she questioned her parenting and she's like I failed you which I love my mother but she definitely went down a rabbit hole And she's like, I failed you, which I love my mother. Something awful. But yeah, she definitely went down a rabbit hole.

And so that was not a fun conversation. But we've moved on. Time's passed. And it's not like she doesn't still love me as her daughter. Was it your job to sing and dance, to perform for mom? Make sure she was okay? Oh, yeah. Okay.

Your mom can be an amazing woman who loves you and you love her. And who also hitched the entire performance of the household onto your tiny little 12-year-old shoulders. And that was too much. That was too much. Yeah. And when I say you feel unlovable, a better way to say that is you are worth being loved if you're performing up to snuff. And now that story, it's become a part of your nervous system. The story got disrupted because you did something that violated one of your core values.

And now you think, oh, I could never perform well enough to achieve that thing I've been trying to achieve my whole life. And that is to have somebody look at me and hold my face and say that they love me and mean it. And I need you to hear me say, that's not true. It's not true. So, um, before we got on,

they, uh, before we got on the air, we were just talking privately, um, me and Kelly and the gang back there. And I've got some things that I've done. I have a few things I've said to people over the years.

Like, all the way up to middle school, high school. Things I've done that, like, haunt me. I hate it. I hate that that person has a thought of John Maloney and they remember that. And I guess the good news is I've taken those things and learned from them the best I could like I used to be such an insane liar I lied all the time about everything I used to steal all the time I used to like fill in the blank man I was just a punk kid and now i'm almost pathological about telling the truth insanely so i'm so insanely about it's so insane about not picking up something that's not mine like crazy

so so in many ways your experience crossing your own boundary will reinforce the fact that Jenna will never do that again. Fair? Right. And I'm still haunted by it sometimes. And I think for you making peace with, I'm pretty awesome. I've accomplished a great thing. I took myself back to nursing school. I knocked it out. I've been buried by the sudden death of my dad. I'm coming back out of that fog. I've repaired some things with my mom. I'm going to have a great job. I'm going to be

around a bunch of smoking hot nurse practitioners. So game on, right? Like all the things, right? All that's true. And you've learned when someone's like like hey um can you go get me an extra prescription of adderall or xanax because i and you'll go nope i've crossed my boundaries before it ain't happening so that stuff's good and one day you're gonna have to sit down with somebody and you're gonna have some significant romantic interest in them and you're gonna say i spent a few weeks on only fans once and their eyes will get humongous or maybe maybe they'll be like oh man was that crazy or they may say i'm out and that's the risk of any relationship right right what have you learned about yourself yourself in the process? I, gosh, I learned that I am terrible in front of an internet audience.

Me too, Jenna, me too. I learned that not different opportunities are not always what people make it out to be. Like, for example, like my coworker brought that to my attention and told me all of her wonderful positive experiences on there and I genuinely believed I genuinely believed her and I didn't do the research behind it so I learned that you gotta do some research on some things and then yeah. There's a ton for those wondering there's a ton for those wondering there's a ton of exaggeration

going on in the OnlyFans market yes you make all of this it's not true like any industry there's a few people that make a bunch of money

and there's some people that do okay and then there's a bajillion people who are throwing things up all day long and they make nothing right and then the internet has them right forever people who are throwing things up all day long and they make nothing.

Right. And then the internet has them right forever. Yeah. And hear me say, in no way does that disqualify you from being loved, from being a great mom, from being an amazing wife someday. At all. In fact, I think it can make you highly compassionate towards a young daughter you're going to have someday

who thinks that she's got to perform for you. And you're going to say, nope, not in my house. I believe you and I love you all the time. Is that fair? Yeah, it is. Have you written 2021 Jenna a letter? No, I have not.

You need to do that. Because she's up in front of your face every single day asking you, do you forgive me? Do you forgive me? Do you forgive me? And you're trying to ignore her and she's just going to get louder and louder and louder. At some point you need to write her a letter that says I forgive you and I still love you.

Can you do that? 2021 Jenna was, yeah. 21 Jenna was what? I was going to say 2021 Jenna was just trying to do the right thing and was just trying to get over the grief of my dad the best I could. She was in a fog. Yeah.

Yeah. In 2024, Jenna is on a war path to go be a nurse and go keep people alive. Is that fair? Yeah. Yes. So here's the script moving forward. And I wish it was more complex than this.

It's just going to be something you have to practice and know is going to show up. And I think guilt and sometimes the things we're ashamed about that we've done, I think a lot of the challenge with dealing with that moving forward, five years, 10 years, 20 years down the road, is that we are caught off guard that it still shows up. And it's like when you're driving down the road, if you think every driver's a great driver and somebody cuts you off, it's like, it's

the end of time. Oh my! But if you're driving downtown in a city and people are cutting you off, you're just calm about it. Listen to the radio, because that's just how people drive down here, right? So knowing I'm good and I'm worth being loved

and I'm going to make somebody really, really happy as a partner one day. I'm going to make myself really happy. I'm going to be a great nurse. And I've done some really hard stuff in my life. And there's going to be random times when you're just going to feel super vulnerable and exposed because there's compromising photos of you floating around somewhere, buried in the recesses of the internets.

Right. And you'll go, ah, and then you can exhale and go, that was dumb, but I'm good now. I didn't want to be there. I'm good now.

Learned a lesson. I'm good now. Is that fair? Yeah. All your body's trying to do is to recall to keep you safe remember that time you did this and so all we're doing in the present and moving forward is letting our body know yeah i know and it will never happen again and it's not going to happen again and again i want you to hear me say this isn't about you know you awkwardly like dancing in front of an internet camera.

This is about you having a set of operating principles and about how you navigate the world. And in a moment of exhaustion and weakness and grief, you let a coworker talk you into something. They didn't talk you into it. You're a grownup. I mean, you did it, but they painted a picture of a situation and you fell for it. You went for it.

Yeah. All right. So no more. Say out loud, Jenna's a pretty amazing woman. Jenna's a pretty amazing woman. And Jenna's worth being loved. Jenna's worth being loved.

Do you believe that? Yes. Awesome. Awesome. Awesome. Awesome. I wish you the absolute best. Congratulations.

Send us a, a graduation, um, announcement. I won't buy you anything, but Kelly is known for sending out thousands of dollars to graduates. That's not true at all. Actually.

Sorry, Kelly. She doesn't have that kind of money. Man, I'm getting off the rails here. And I see how awesome you're staring at me. Kelly, you're beautiful. And Jenna, you're amazing too. We'll be right back. It's time to talk about Organifi. All right, here's one of my main life goals. I want to be as healthy as possible for as long as possible. I want to be that old semi balding guy in the back of the mosh pit.

And I also want to be that old guy dancing with his beautiful wife into my 80s. And I want to be able to roll around with my grandkids in some WWE style wrestling match into my 90s. And that's why right now I exercise, I work on my friendships, and I try to eat and drink things that only have safe, high quality, high integrity ingredients. And this is why I love Organifi. They're incredibly selective about what goes into their whole food blends. And Organifi gives you ingredients with integrity, plant-based, certified organic, vegan, dairy-free, soy-free, and glyphosate

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to save 20% off at checkout with code Diloni. That's Organifi, O-R-G-A-N-I-F-I dot com slash DELONI and code DELONI for 20% off. All right, we're back. Let's go out to Boise and talk to Taylor. What's up, Taylor? Hey, Dr. John. I appreciate you taking my call.

Of course, man. What's up? So to lay just a really quick context my wife and i um been married for uh about uh five and a half years we just welcomed our second child uh into the world about seven months ago and we also have a two and a half year old um hey can i just stop you right there yeah is your life just mayhem? Dude. Let's have another baby. It's going to be great.

Yeah, I'm going to be a great dad, and I'm going to be so good at being a husband. And then you go home, and your whole house has been knocked over by a tornado. Well, the go-home part is probably why I'm on the phone with you. Okay, bring it. So I work from home. I'm on the phone with you. So, um, okay, bring it. So, so, so I work from home. Um, I'm, I'm a software engineer, um, and I've worked from home since COVID. Uh, and, and so that's what three, four years now. Um, and, and that has that that's had its ups and downs. Right. Um, when, when, when, when we just had my oldest, it, it was okay because I like was able to come out, but, but,

but if I wasn't able to come out and help, wasn't the end of the world. But now that we have my seven month, my seven month old, um, it's really, it's, it's, it's really just been like building up. My wife has felt very overwhelmed as, as she should. Right. Um, it's really, it's, it's, it's really just been like building up. My wife has felt very overwhelmed as, as she should. Right. Um, but like, I'm up with my seven months old in the morning. I like make breakfast. I get everybody dressed like there since my seven month old has been born.

I, I did three weeks of paternity. Um, and since my seven month old has been born, I haven't worked more than five hours in a single day and it's starting to show, right? Like this is the first time ever I've gotten like poor, like poor performance reviews at work. I'm in like a leadership position. Like it's just, it's just a lot. Right. And then when I'm off work, my wife, like, and I can understand where she's coming from, right? Like, my wife wants me to be fully, fully, like, present and, like, take that responsibility off her. And it's just a hard position because I feel like I've been there even while I was in my workday. And she was in her workday as well, right?

But do you hear the language you're using, y'all are using very unsustainable language. Everything is on and off. Okay. I had all of this. Now it's your turn for all of this. Right. Right.

And imagine if you had a partnership in you and your partner, like owned a bunch of real estate He wouldn't be the ceo on monday through wednesday and you're the ceo thursday friday and saturday Y'all share that load all the time to differing degrees right So anytime somebody feels stuck like this and it's like we're in a bad pattern and we're heading down a road that neither of us Want to go down and we can't figure out how to stop it. I always want to,

you've heard me say this before on the show, like somebody has to stop the dance, turn the lights on, turn the music off, and just say, stop, stop, stop, stop. We have to stop. Yeah.

Why haven't you walked in and just said, hey, I'm going to start working at one of these WeWork places or I'm going to go, I've got to go to work. I have to leave here and go do my job because I'm being unethical. I'm going to go, I'm going to, I've got to go to work. I have to leave here and go do my job because I'm being unethical.

I'm stealing from my employer. So, um, so, so, so, so we've had conversations kind of around that and where, where, where, right. Because this is like built tension. Right. Um, and, and, and, and when we have these arguments and when we have these fights, like what it's landed on and what we've both decided is for better or for worse, if I was at an office, we feel like we would fight more. That's not true.

It's absolutely not true. Because here's what it's allowing. It's allowing your wife to not deal with the realities that of being a stay at home mom with two young kids and actually saying out loud, here's what I need. Here's the help I need to make this thing work. And it's allowing, it's forcing you to not, to be dishonest with your employer. So if you weren't there,

you had to be at a job eight to five, five days a week. Y'all would have to come up with some solutions for what's going on in your home. Right. Because you're about to be unemployed. Yeah. You know what I mean?

Yeah. I don't have a contract at my work that says, like, these are the working hours, right? That actually makes it worse, dude. It makes it worse. Because then it leaves you amorphous. But the workers, back in 2020 and 2021, when every worker was like, I want to work from home. I remember saying, y'all are thinking very short term

because your employer is not going to have a relationship with you, an accidental community. They're not going to see you on the coffee. They're not going to see you smiling because your kid just won in the baseball game or upset because one of your kids is sick. They're going to miss you on the coffee. They're not going to see you smiling because your kid just won in the baseball game or upset because one of your kids is sick. They're going to miss out on the whole relationship part. And that flexibility goes both ways.

And most employees did not think that through. I don't have any set hours. Cool. Well, they don't have any set standards either. It's just meet our standard. And if you don't, you can't work. Because I don't have any relationship with you. So I don't want you to feel like, well, I kind of got this wrapped up. You're telling me I'm just watching things slowly slide.

No, for sure. That is how I feel. And you're in a tech field. I mean, just look around. There is mass turnover happening because ai and people aren't talking about it but it is changing everything yeah no oh definitely me and my co-workers talk about it every day right and so if i'm you i'm putting in nine hours every day i'm becoming the most valuable both both in my job and in my leadership and relationally that I possibly can. It just seems so unattainable right now. Right. Like, I just don't know how to take that steps to do, cause that's what I want to do. Right. I came from like a background of like workaholic,

right. I chased startups. And then when we had my oldest that, that, that's not the father I wanted to be, right? You know, I was out 16, 18 hours, like, doing stuff. And I enjoyed that. But I also knew that that's not who I wanted to be as a dad. Sure. Right? But there's a happy medium. There's also seasons.

For sure. I just don't know how to take that step and step away. What it feels like is it feels like stepping away from my family and and and i just i i'm just at a loss right i just need you to hear me say that's not true you're not stepping away from your family you're actually going to provide and protect your family sounds like the biggest challenge here is you don't want to take on your wife is that true or or let me say it in a nicer way that that sounded combative you've you've got a woman that you're that you love and you're

watching her drown and there's probably some things you're thinking why don't you just do this and this and she won't or isn't and she hasn't had to because you're cutting one hour two hours three four hours out of your workday, plugging those gaps. Yeah. Yeah, that's true. How come you're scared to take on your wife? Not scared like she's going to hit you, but why the discomfort?

So when we have these conversations, it's, she, she feels like I'm calling her bad. She feels like I'm calling her a bad mom when I say I need more work time. Right. And I, and one, I'm, I'm terrified of conflict in general. Right. Like you made two humans, dude. So you better get comfortable. That's what you signed up for.

My goodness, yeah. Yeah, I'm definitely getting acquainted with conflict, but I don't like making her feel bad, right? That sounds so childish. No, it doesn't. But if somebody's with you and every bit of conflict, there is conflict here, every bit of hard conversation, let me say it like this.

So the great Terry Real, one of the greatest therapists I think ever, says that people lead a home sometimes from the one-up position. We're going to do this in our house. Like this is the way, right? The idiot way. It's just, it's a flexing moronic, stupid, big truck way of leading a house.

It's dumb. There's also the one down position, which is, hey, I've got to put in a full day's work every day. Otherwise, I'm not being a man of integrity. I'm going to lose my job. Oh, I guess I'm just the worst mom ever then because I need a little bit of extra help around here. See what I'm saying? That's a way to get everything I want and end every conversation or every disagreement by just throwing a nuclear bomb. Oh, I guess I just suck at this then. You married a terrible wife tonight. And's bullcrap dude you can't

move you can can't move anything forward in that way if someone's going to use that to end and weaponize every bit of marital conflict yeah and you're like i know dude thanks for telling me what i already know what am i supposed to do about it? Right. Yeah. And, and she doesn't go quite that far. Right. Like I'm over-exaggerating of course. No, no.

Right. Right. But, but, but, but, but I want the paint to paint the picture of, I understand where she's coming from. Right. Of she feels like she's drowning. Cause I feel like I'm drowning when I have the kids, right. Like on Saturday, like Sunday in, in the morning at night right and so I get the drowning and I get the feeling inadequate when I need to ask for help right right like like I understand all the places

of where she's coming from but like you're saying there that there is this train coming towards us and I see it and I've seen it for about three months now right like I like like I felt it it's super uncomfortable and and so it's somebody who loves his wife and loves his kids and wants to stay employed you have a responsibility to throw the brakes on the train and I think you have to start the conversation with, I have got child care for our two kids. You and I have to go away and talk because we got to do something new. We have a brand new marriage. But the way we're moving forward isn't sustainable. And I don't feel like I'm loving you well. I don't feel like I'm loving these kids well. And I don't feel like I'm

honoring with my employer what I told them I was going to do so I have to do something different will you come with me and if you notice my language all of that was an invitation none of it was accusational you're not doing this you've got to step up you've got to keep doing I'm just putting on the table that I can't keep living like this because I feel like I'm failing in every area. Yeah. And now you're starting to get, like you're starting to get data that yes, your feelings are now correct. You are failing in this area. Right.

And quite honestly, in the one area that makes all the rest of your life possible, and that's going out and making, like being a good employee so you can get paid, so you can have a house and food. Yeah. And for you, I think there's a toggle between working five to six hours a day and working 18 to 24.

There's also a toggle, hey, wife, the world changed overnight. There's now a new threat to my business, and so for the next four months, I'm going to have to put in some long, wild days. Similar to when I sat down with my wife in June and we said, okay, we got a book coming out. And I said, we on purpose. I wrote it. She didn't even read a draft.

I wrote it, but she had to carry the load while I was staying up all night and getting up at four in the morning to write. We went through that together. And it was a series, a season of several months. But you have to be able to say that stuff out loud. And here's the other scary part. You have to add into this,

wife, I love you. And I can't manage it if every conversation we have ends with you thinking you're the worst wife ever. I'm telling you, you're an amazing wife., I'm telling you you're an amazing wife. I'm telling you you're an amazing mom. I'm telling you that just my little bit of time with the kids makes me want to set myself on fire. I get it.

But I need you to stay with me during these hard conversations as we figure out a plan moving forward. And then the scary thing, brother, she gets to decide what happens next. But do you see how you've put it on the table, laid it out? You've acknowledged, I know where your body's going to feel like going, which is I you see how you've put it on the table, laid it out, you've acknowledged, I know where your body's going to feel like going, which is, I'm the worst, this whole thing's the worst. It's not true. But I can't make you not operate from there.

I'm asking you to stay with me. Yeah. How do I validate that I do think that she's a good mom, but I have these needs, though? You're assuming that's mutually exclusive. They're not. How do I validate that I do think that she's a good mom, but I have these needs though? Right? You're assuming that's mutually exclusive. They're not. I know they're not. I think she thinks that it's mutually exclusive.

You can't control that. I think the best you can do is to put it out on the table. The three worst words, Dr. John. I can't control that. I know. But here's what's happening. You're trying to control everything. You're trying to save people off the boat. And you're trying to throw life rafts out.

And you're trying to paddle the lifeboat away. And you're not doing any of it very well. And you're going to end up drowning. And the worst part about it is everyone who is relying on you is going to go with you so you have to open your hands to the things i can't control you cannot control how your wife responds to you saying um i'm about to get fired i got to change what i'm doing you can put on the table and, I'm looking you in the eye and telling you, I think you're an amazing mother. And I think you're an amazing wife. And I think we're in a wild season, but you can't control how she chooses to take that

information and process it. All you can say is I can't keep doing this. And my guess is she doesn't want to be doing it either. Yeah, I don't think she does. So walk me through. You tell her these things, and you sit down at a table. How does that end? Does she start crying and just get up and walk away, or does she say, this is really scary.

I'll stay with you. What do you got? No, no. How it goes is we'll have this conversation. We'll both acknowledge that things need to change. And where it ends is her saying, we'll try and do better about leaving you alone during work hours. Nope. That's on you. That's on you, Taylor. You have to sit down at this thing and have a proposal.

I'm going to start going to work. It's not fair for you. It's not fair for those kids. Think of it this way. I would not take a two-year-old to a funeral, to an open casket funeral. I would take them to a memorial service, but not an open casket funeral. Here's why. That kid can't process the fact that there is a body right there. I see granddad, but granddad's also not there. And in a twisted similar way, a two-year-old can't understand that when daddy goes through those doors in this private room, he is no longer with us. He is at work. He is at his office. Daddy's just through those doors. And I'm going to do

whatever I have to do, make mom crazy, dump something over, yell and scream. I'm going to do what I got to do because I want to see my dad. Yeah. That is how life goes. I know it is. I know. But you're asking a two-year-old or a seven-month-old

to do something that's impossible. And even one step further, your wife knows everything in my life would be easier because that man loves me and he's right there. I'll just stick my head in there real quick. That's a lot of pressure.

And so I think you have to sit down and say, I have found a place where I'm going to start going. Maybe it's Monday through Thursday. Eight to six. I will not be in the home. So what must be true for you to be whole and well? Do we need to get a teenager to come over and help play with the kids? Do we need to get a house cleaner?

Do we need to, what do we need to do? Like, let's figure this thing out. Do we need to have a, like a Tuesday, Thursday, Mother's Day out school for just four hours just so mom can breathe and go to the store? Go to the bathroom by herself without kids going, ma, ma, right? What do you need? Because this is going to be a reality. Otherwise, all of this goes away. Yeah.

And when somebody says, well, I guess I'll just try harder. That's not a solution at all, ever. It's never a solution. I agree. It definitely hasn't been working. It never works. It never works.

That is a shame conversation, a shame-induced conversation ender, right? It's just a way to get out of like, I'll just, I'm going to work harder and I'm going to do better. No, stop, stop. What actions for both of us are going to be different tomorrow morning when we wake up than they are today. I can't control you. What I can't control is myself. I'm going to start going to work. And you, dad, by the way, miss your kids. Miss them like crazy throughout the day. Wish you were home with them. Let that keep you off social media and help you get your work done with excellence so you can come home and be with them.

Let that drive you so you can come home and be with them, So you can create a life that you can be more present in. I hate leaving my kids, man. I hate it. And that's the way, that's the world we got right now. Think of this as a leadership moment, not to tell your family what to do, but to climb up on a ladder, turn all the lights on, and to start coming up with some actual tangible solutions to

some of these things. And by the way, sign a three-month lease at WeWork or whatever these places are. I don't know where they are. Sign a three-month lease. Give it a shot for 90 days. If it doesn't work, it doesn't work. Then we're going to recalibrate. And she says, well, I just need a house cleaner and I need to this, I need to this. Well, cool, we can't afford a house cleaner, so we can do this, and we can do this. Let's try it for 90 days and go from there. And yes, you have a two-year-old and a seven-month-old, you're going to have some really exhausting Saturday mornings and Sunday mornings and Saturday afternoons.

This is the chaos season, brother. I promise there's light on the other side of it. One day, and this is hard to believe, your kids will just go to the bathroom by themselves and you'll feel like you got your whole life back. It's amazing. That's not right now. Right now it's just madhouse. So you will, you'll put in all your hours and then you'll come home and you'll help. And you'll put in all your hours and you'll come home and do Saturday morning so mom can sleep in. That is part of your life. But you can't do it all. She can't either. Turn off the music, turn on the lights, brother.

Call anytime, man. We'll be right back. Hey, good folks. Let's talk about hallow. All right. I say this all the time. It's important to get away for times of prayer and meditation by yourself with no one else around. But one thing you might not think about though, is maintaining a sense of community when you pray or meditate. And this is especially if you don't consider yourself religious, if you question things, or if you've been burned by a church experience in the past, it's hard to want to get together with other people. And that's another reason why I love Hallow. You can personalize your prayer experience with Hallow and they give you three free months to do it.

You can pray or meditate by yourself, or you can connect with friends, with family, a prayer group, or some other community that you choose. And this way, you can share prayers, share meditations. You can even share journal reflections to grow in your faith together with others. And with Hallow, there are other ways you can personalize the app. They have downloadable offline sessions and links ranging from one minute up to an hour, and you can listen where it works for your schedule. You can choose your guide, your background music. You can create your own personal prayer plan and more. I've made it a personal point to begin my day every single day with the Hallow meditation

on the scripture of the day. It's a discipline and it's a practice. And here's what I'm learning. As with anything of importance and meaning, prayer takes intentionality, practice, and showing up even when I don't feel like it, and even I don't want to. This is discipline. Sometimes you do this by yourself. And sometimes you do this with a group and hallow helps you with both. Download the number one prayer app on planet earth hallow right now. And listen, viewers and listeners of this show get three free months. When you go to hallow.com slash Deloney, it's amazing. Three free months of the app. When you go to hallow.com slash Deloney, go right now and change your life. All right, let's go out to Jenny from the block in

New York, New York. What's up, Jenny? Hi. Hey, what's up? I'm a little starstruck. I read your book and I just like adore your book so much. So I'm a little nervous, but I'm going to stay strong. Stay strong, Jenny. Stay strong. Thank you. Thank you for saying something nice about my book. That, that, that makes my heart feel good. Thank you. All right. So how can I help? What's up? I am struggling a little bit right now. Um, my best friend is dating this guy and they are just like not she thinks that they're doing well but i can tell you that they're not doing very well and the the kicker is that he is also my roommate my husband and i are renting a room to him so i have to be around him all the time why don't you unrent a room to him. So I have to be around him all the time.

Why don't you un-rent a room from him? Ta-da! Oh my gosh, that's just like my easiest call ever. Why don't you just quit renting him a room? I know a little bit too much about his financial situation, and it's actually the reason why we decided to rent to him in the first place. How old is this dude? How old is he? 26.

Are you his mom? No. Why is his financial situation your responsibility? It's not. Especially when it's infecting your marriage. Yeah. And your friendship with your best friend. Yeah.

Oh my gosh. I'm so good at this job. I'm just kidding. I wish all the calls were this straightforward. Am I missing something? What am I missing? So like he works, I don't want to give too much information, but he works close by.

And if he like moved back in with his mom or what have you, there wouldn't be a way for him to work at the place where he works now. Again, that sounds like a really big case of that's his problem. Yeah. Well, I also don't want to lose my friendship over that it feels like i could i mean i have thought about just like giving him like a hey you got to be out by august kind of thing no like by next month like he's working at a job let's like play this out he's working at a job. Let's play this out. He's working at a job. He is a panda. He is an animal that can't mate on its own, can't find food on its own, can't survive on its own.

Right? He's working a job that is not sustainable financially. Right. In a living arrangement that makes no sense. He's renting a room from a married couple. Right. In a living arrangement that makes no sense. He's renting a room from a married couple. Right. His other option is his mommy, and he's 26. Like, this person's whole life, somebody has bailed him out of his unthought-through decisions

because, well, I want to work here. Well, that's cool, cool man you can't eat right and that's not your job and the longer you make it your job here's what's happening you're slowly growing to resent your best friend

you're slowly if you're not already there you don't like coming home to your own house yeah and that creates tension between you and your husband and that will begin to infect your marriage all because you're propping up some guy's lifestyle that's so straight like this whole thing is so strange i know know. I just, yeah. I just thought I was being nice, and I think I was a little too nice. I think you were being conflict avoidant. I don't think this ever was a good idea from the start, and you knew it.

Yeah. Is that fair? Yes, that's very true, yeah. All right, I'm going to ask you something I end up asking like 95% of the people who call. Where did you learn to think so little of your actual needs and wants? When he moved in, my parents were still living. It's their house. We're buying it from them.

And so when he first moved in, it was my parents' house. And I think my parents were thinking, like, okay, we're going to be out in a couple weeks, and that'll be your guys' problem. And I felt like I didn't really have a say in the matter, I guess. Have you ever had a say? No, you haven't. No. It has to start today. Here's why. How old are you now? I'm turning 25 next month. You're going to wake up and be 33 years old and you're going to realize you're living somebody else's life. Yeah. You're going to be working for a boss that you can't

stand and a job you don't like married to someone that you are just comfortable with but you don't even care about because you're doing things you're gonna have a kid that is going to a school like you're just gonna end up and you're gonna go what am i doing versus saying i'm 25 years old i'm gonna be a homeowner in new york i've got a great husband if my friend is only my friend because I let her Leech of an incompetent boyfriend live at our house so he can continue working in a job that can't sustain him If that's the only way she wants to be my friend. She is not my friend at all

Yeah, not even a little bit and now i've got to grieve that because she was for a while. But now her parasitic boyfriend has taken more of her heart than I have. I got to spend some time weeping over that because that's sad. Yeah. But I'm not going to lose my marriage over it. No. Never. You're about to. And I don't mean to say that too strongly but it's getting it's getting dicey fair yeah yeah yeah all right so practice with me how does this conversation go

um because it's going to happen this weekend hey Hey, I need to talk to you. You have until April 1st. That's way too long, but I see where you're going. I like it. I would preface it with, this is a very hard conversation, so I'm going to be very direct. And then, and listen, and say, we can circle back in a few days. We can talk logistics in a few days.

I just wanted to put this out there and let you know. We're not even going to talk about it. No, I'm going to, we're going back in a few days. We can talk logistics in a few days. I just wanted to put this out there and let you know. We're not even going to talk about it. No, I'm going to, we're going to end the conversation here, but I will circle back in a few days. Because the moment he hears that he's out of his house, he's in fight or flight. There's no listening.

There's no learning. There's no discussing. It is just war. Right. Okay. And you have proven to yourself over time that when confronted with that type of of war you you lose right yeah or you concede so i'm not going to engage i'm not going to do that

i'm not going to take have a three-point contest with stuff stuff curry he'll beat me every time i got to figure out something else because i'm not doing that. And so a very quick, I have a short, hard conversation to have with you. I need my house back with my husband. I'm going to ask you to move out by March 15th. And I know it's hard. I know it's frustrating. But by March 15th, I need you out. And we'll circle back in a couple of days.

We can talk logistics. Peace out. Okay. I'm not going to fight you. I'm not going to yell with you. I mean, whatever. And if he crosses lines and say, we're going to move out right now because I'm not going to have you harassing us or whatever. Is he unstable or he will respond frustrated but like an adult?

Yeah, he will respond respectfully and then probably cuss me out over the phone to someone else. But who wouldn't, right? You know who wouldn't? Well, I guess people who don't find themselves in this situation. Yeah. Right. It's just a whole ecosystem. So, yeah.

I want you to spend some time time privately thinking write this stuff down in a journal what do i want my home to feel like when i get home from work what do i want my home to feel like when me and my husband see each other at the end of a long day for the first time what i want my home to feel like when we wake up and then begin to ask what must be true the paint colors need to change do i need to get a new job do we need to stop using these disgusting towels we need to get all the roommates out like what must be true but right now you're living somebody else's life and it's time to stop because that train will end if you stop it soon enough and you begin to transform it then you take ownership if not it crashes and you're

forced to take ownership because everything you love and everything you're part of is ash. So let's just take the train. I don't know. How do you drive a train? Let's just take the wheel of your own car. Start driving. It's your life. It's you and your husband. You're all doing this thing together. And my guess is when you tell your husband, I'm going to have a hard conversation today, but I'm going to let him know he's got to be up March 15th. Your husband may go running into the street

screaming hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah. Maybe a whole bunch of hallelujahs. Is there a hallelujah song you could sing, Kelly?

No. No one wants to hear that. There would be no rejoicing. Oh, man. Jenny, take back your life. Take back your life. All right, we come back. We'll have a Am I the Problem?

Stay with us. Hey, what's up? Deloney here. Listen, you and me and everybody else on the planet has felt anxious or burned out or chronically stressed at some point. In my new book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, you'll learn the six daily choices that you can make to get rid of your anxious feelings and be able to better respond to whatever life throws at you so you can build

a more peaceful, non-anxious life. Get your copy today at johndeloney.com. All right, we're back. So am I the problem? What's up, Kelly? All right. So this is anonymous. I don't know who this one's from. Let's just throw a name out there. Let's go with Joe. Or Jill, because it's from a woman. Or Jill. Okay. My daughter goes by Joe, but I won't take that as an insult. Go ahead.

That's true. You're right. My bad. All right. My husband and I follow the Ramsey plan and have combined bank accounts. My husband will make quote-unquote jokes such as, what's ours is yours and what's mine is yours. When I tell him that's hurtful and he hurts my feelings, when he says stuff like that, he replies with,

well, apparently I can't joke with you since you don't know how to take a joke. Oh, man. This also happens when he makes other jokes, such as cultural jokes, etc., which I feel are derogatory to different races or genders. Am I the problem? No, your husband's an immature moron. Ta-da.

Now, man, this is gonna send me down a rabbit hole. I have friends of different genders different races different all kinds of anything you can imagine some of my closest friends and if out of context if you heard us talking and joking with each other it might be like people couldn't breathe those are my brothers and sisters and friends but somebody who just enters into a room mocking

other people because they're so insecure to enter that room on their own um ends up just drowning people so this isn't about like oh you can't even say jokes anymore no that's just this is who that dude is just can't yeah no you're not the problem it frustrating. It's frustrating because you're with a very immature person, but you're not the problem. You agree? 100%. Really? Yep. We never agree 100%.

Sometimes we do. Sometimes we do. Well, I am 100% in agreement. I'm glad you're around, Kelly. You make my heart feel big. Even though you got palm trees on your shirt. That's very emo Hawaiian. Is that a thing?

No, but I think we should make it a thing. I think it's a thing now. My Chemical Romance on the Beach. Love you guys. Bye.